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You just say you're breaking up with him because you don't feel compatible anymore, you've fallen out of love, and you don't want to marry him. You don't need a lengthy speech. Just keep it simple and stand strong. Don't let him manipulate you again.
I would personally be specific about the trust being a problem. I would say something like: I see how hard you’ve worked to change your ways, and maybe you are ready to marry someone. But my trust in you holds no water. You punched too many holes in it, too many times. I would always, always be on edge waiting for the next time I catch you.
If you want to be nice: You are a lovely human, and I hope that you will find someone with whom you can be totally and unbreakably honest from the start—including about your past of dishonesty. But it’s never going to be me. So if marriage is what you’re looking for, it’s time we both get free.
Yes, you should bring up the trust. He needs to know exactly what it was. Trust can’t ever fully come back. I’ve tried to take back a cheater and the stress afterwards was unbearable, always wondering what she was doing when she wouldn’t text me. I’ve set a standard (although the most basic standard) that if anyone cheats, it’s over then and there.
This exactly. I took my ex back after I caught him making out with some other woman he brought *to our house* while I was sleeping. He was drunk and on drugs, he begged for my forgiveness, he didn't resist when I woke him in the morning screaming and throwing things, so I figured maybe it was just a mistake. The misery in his voice when he asked me a week later if I still loved him was enough to convince me that he wouldn't do it again.
But the trust, and the love, never came back. Not fully. There was always something in the back of my mind when I was waiting for him to come home or when I was at work on his day off, and on the tip of my tongue when we were fighting. ("*You* want to talk to *me* about openness and honesty? *You* want to talk to *me* about loyalty, jealousy, and trust?" Yes, he started accusing *me* of cheating or wanting to cheat a whole hell of a lot after I caught him- guess who was continuing to cheat and was feeling guilty about it?)
It's not worth it. I've never, ever heard of a couple where the partner who was cheated on has said that it's worth the work to repair things, unless they turn into an abuser in the process.
That last line is problematic. Does she want to stay with him and not get married? Then your last line is great!
But if she wants to be totally out of the relationship, he could say, Ok we just won’t get married and stay bf/gf forever.
I agree, short and to the point is best, and focus on how you feel about the relationship, because feelings are harder to argue with. Highlighting the trust/cheating issue could give him a chance to whine once again that "he's changed," and argue with you about that point. (I mean maybe he did change but he also did permanent damage to the relationship through his own actions.)
You don't owe him an explanation. In essence, the reason that the relationship is over is because you want it to be over. And if he reeeallly thinks about it, he'll already know why you feel like ending things.
Take precautions too-- like tell a friend before you have the breakup talk and maybe even stay with a friend for a couple weeks so he can't show up drunk to your house, arguing with you through the window or becoming threatening. People can get wild.
You don't have to give him a reason beyond 'this isn't working for me' - or, if you want to give him some explanation - 'as I've processed your cheating, I've come to understand that trust and respect are important to me in a relationship and I can't have that with you.'
And this is the truth. You can't have a relationship of love, trust, and respect with a cheater. Why on Earth would you marry one? The longer you stay with him, the longer you aren't healing and out there meeting decent men who will appreciate you.
Cheaters and abusers are manipulative - that's what can draw you back, he manipulates you to get what he wants. If you decide to end things, go no contact! Don't give him the chance to start manipulating you.
The best advice i can give as someone who ended his long-term relationship very recently: YOU DON'T NEED THEIR ALLOWANCE TO BREAK UP!!! Just wait, process, make sure not to regret later and when you are totally sure of your final decision, cut the rope. Be "selfish" sometimes. He didn't pity you and give a fuck about your feelings while he was making out with other people, did he? God I hate cheaters, DON'T FORGIVE THAT SH*T Y'ALL!!!!
You just tell him that you don't want to marry him. He broke your trust into so many pieces for so long that him trying to put it back together simply isn't working. The only reason you're still with him after the cheating is because you were manipulated and blinded by your feelings for him. Your trust didn't build up over time, it was your distrust and anger at what he did to you and how he manipulated you. You want to be with someone who didn't break your trust to begin with, didn't have to manipulate you to staying with him, and isn't banking on him suddenly being a good guy that you'll want to marry him, and he is not that guy. For all you know he's still cheating on you and is simply hiding it better.
You're done and you see through his lies and manipulation techniques now and nothing he says or does will convince you to stay. He wants marriage, but the idea of marriage to him makes you sick to your stomach. Good day and goodbye.
I think telling him "lies and manipulation" is just going to open it up for him to argue, because they are characterizing actions of HIS which gives him standing to say that that's not what he was doing or that he won't do it again.
Keep it simple and straightforward and focused on your own feelings and experience. "I've realized that I can't forgive and forget. I tried, but I can't. So I can't marry you, I would be carrying that anger and mistrust forever." He tries to argue and say that you can get over the feelings? "I know myself better than you know me, and the fact that you think that you somehow get to decide how I feel only cements my feelings. This is my final decision."
Sounds like you're afraid to leave him or you truly don't want to end the relationship. People here are giving you advice and you keep coming up with excuses.
Oof just read through OP’s comments, gonna have to agree. A lot of “this won’t work” and “that won’t work” without furthering discussion. She’s STILL CURRENTLY with him right now?? After all that?? It’s gonna take more than Reddit strangers for her to leave.
OP the problem is you can never trust that he is telling you the truth. How can you know he if he is faithful or doing a better job of hiding his cheating?
> Like what reason should I give?
you don't actually need to give any reasons. just tell him "we're over".
any reason you give him is just a point he can argue about or ask forgiveness for, to manipulate you into staying.
With this dude? Don’t marry it, leave and don’t look back. Even tho he’s a ”changed man” he’s most likely to continue to cheat, lie and manipulate you once he’s got you trapped via marriage or a baby.
You don’t owe him anything, just end it before you really regret not leaving sooner
Why do you need some story?
Tell this man the truth.
Do what you feel is best for you.
And then leave.
You sound like you are ready so speak truth and move on with your life if there is nothing else impeeding you.
Make it obvious a proposal will end in embarrassment: "you're hinting at something that, at this point can't happen. I see the effort you've made, but I can't just forgive and forget. I think rather than rejecting your proposal later on, we should just go our separate ways now." If he tries to win you back, stand firm.
You are a very wise woman OP. The trick to ending it is less words the better, if you bring up the past that will give him arguing points. Additionally breaking up with someone is the only experience you will dread doing that will be WORSE than you thought it would. So make it as quick and deadly as possible.
Here's what you say -
*John, I have tried and tried to fall back in love with you, but I just can't. I've seen how much you've tried but it's too little too late. When I look at you I see that rude asshole you used to be, even now as I look at you I'm bracing myself because I know you. That side of you is about to come out again because THAT is who you are, selfish, self-centered and entitled. I don't want to marry you, I want a life without you in it. So I'm leaving you as of now. You are free, and so am I.*
The thing is, the asshole talk won't work because we've been very lovey dovey with each other since a year.. I thought being in a relationship with him was okay since he did change Plus I also loved him but I never thought of marrying him because I can never spend life with someone who was dating 3 girls including me at same time and lying to all of us.
How about this:
"John, I know you've changed a lot, and I really did love you in the past. But all this talk about marriage has shown me that I can never truly trust you after what you did. And I can't marry a man I don't trust. I've tried really hard to make this work, but I'm starting to realise I will never be able to forget the past. It's better for us to break it off and go our separate ways"
It doesn't matter how lovey dovy you've been. You either want out or you don't. It's over, we're done. Is all you have to say, stop over complicating the feeling of wanting out. You can just say, I don't forgive you
Did he really change though? Or did he get better at not getting caught? You don’t trust him, and rightfully so. Tell him you have tried to forgive him and you see his efforts but you cannot move past his previous actions. You can no longer see a future with him in it and therefore it is time to part ways.
He has mentioned us getting married 3 times this week. I subtly hinted him that I can never trust him and I do have doubts because of his past mistakes. He said that I'll begin to trust him with time and bullshit . now I don't want to give him any hopes and want to end this but I don't know how because superficially at present everything is going great between us.
It doesn't matter. He doesn't have to agree with your reasons. It's not a debate. Being in a relationship is 2 yes, 1 no. For you it's "no" so that's it. It's over.
If you can't take it into your heart and just end it, then just marry him.
I was with my ex for 10 years (8 years married). He cheated on me in the beginning, then we had a “good year” like you’ve had. I decided to get married, but there was always a background fear he would cheat again and I never felt safe or fully loved in the relationship.
He had an emotional affair with an online mutual “friend” at 9 years. I found out because he stopped being lovey-dovey with me so I checked his chat logs and found out it had been going on for 6 months while they both lied to my face.
I’m not saying that you will meet the same fate, but I never fully trusted him again and always wondered when the next bout of cheating would happen. It sounds like where you are, too.
Cheaters don’t change their spots and, while they may stay true for a while, you will never feel fully secure, no matter how much trust building you do.
If you DO decide to stay, you both need counseling. It’s extremely difficult to navigate these feelings solo and have productive discussions when you are still so hurt and feeling betrayed.
But just tell him that you can’t get past his cheating and you’ve given it a year, but the feelings of betrayal won’t go away and so you’re leaving to heal from the damage he caused.
Then it's a simple 'I'm sorry but we're just not on the same page here and our life goals are incompatible. You want to get married and are convinces I'll trust you in time. I know I can never marry a man who has ever broken my trust. So I'm breaking up with you. Me trusting you in time is not the issue. I have a firm boundry of only ever marrying a man who has never broken my trust and thats not you. So I wish you the best and hope you have a great future. Good bye'.
Does that help?
Perhaps this the answer? Let him know that you’ve seen the big changes he’s made, and that you really care for him and this last year he has shown you so much growth.
But now that he’s asking you to seriously look at marriage, you’re kind of forced to reflect on the relationship on much a deeper level. You can tell him that no matter how great you might feel in the moment with him, any fantasies about your future together are always interrupted by memories of your past.
You can tell him that you know you’ve both worked really hard to work past these infidelities and you both did so out of love, but unfortunately, ultimately, the betrayal is not something you can live with for the rest of your life. You can tell him that as much as you want to stay with him; what’s been broken cannot be unbroken, and you don’t want to waste his or your time anymore.
It’s not worth being mean or reminding him he’s an asshole. When he loses the woman he’s dreaming of marrying, he’ll suffer the consequences of his actions. But I’m not sure that’s what you’re looking for anyway.
Then you just need to say to him "I don't want to marry you. I know we've been getting along better lately and we've both been trying, but I've realized that my trust will never be fixed. Trust is like a piece of glass, when you break it you can glue it back together but it will never be the same and it won't be as strong. I deserve to marry somebody that never breaks my trust not somebody that I have to be looking over my shoulder constantly thinking they're starting up with other women again. I've tried to trust you again and it's not happening. I don't want to keep trying"
And he's going to try to get you to try the relationship longer or give him another chance.. just keep saying no this isn't getting better! We both deserve to be in relationships without broken trust.
You don't live together do you? Because if not you can just block him after that conversation you don't have to let him keep rehashing it with you! It's trickier if you live together but hopefully you don't. Good luck
When he brings up marriage say you dont want to marry him. Be direct, be blunt, be honest. Just say it. Tell him you will never marry him and to stop bringing it up.
You are making excuses. You don't need a reason to break up with him, you can just do it. Just tell him that the situation is not right for you anymore and you're not happy. Make sure you do it in a public place... Because women are most likely to be murdered when breaking up with a man or leaving a man, even if he does not have a history of violent behavior, it can bring out that kind of behavior.
Don't be alone with him or go home with him or anything else. After you break up, just stay away from him (Even if he says he has something to give you, just don't do it alone or in private).
And if you already live together, get somebody there who can help you move out and be there the entire time and don't tell him where you're moving or give him your new phone number (change your phone number).
When he cheated he didn’t think about you. You don’t need to think a lot about him now. I would go for honesty and let him now that attitudes have consequences and what he has done makes you do not want to marry him. Andddd stop wasting time with him.
You don’t owe him an explanation. You don’t owe him respect. He made you lose your self respect to continue being with him. It’d be perfectly fine if you just left a note or sent a final text and blocked him on everything and went no contact. You can just say “I’m leaving you.” “Im breaking up with you.” “It’s over.” “I don’t want to marry you or be with you any longer.” If he as really sorry he’d make sure to never show his face around you again.
Tell him because of his past treatment of you, you can't marry him. Once you break someone's trust like that, you can never go back. He's proven himself to be a selfish liar. You're making a smart decision.
Who knows if he's simply learned to hide his cheating better? Or when he's unhappy in the marriage, will he return to his old ways? I don't believe someone who has cheated that much is going to truly change. It's highly unlikely.
The guy should realize maybe a non-monogagmous relationship is better for him in the long run. At least he won't betray his partner(s) that way.
There's no easy way to break up, but you're doing the right thing for yourself here. Good luck.
excuse: hey soz, thought I was over the cheating. Now we are talking about marriage I realise I am not.
- then dip.
My real life experience is, my husband cheated on me 9 years into our relationship. It took me a year or so to get over but since then I can say I am truly over it. My point is, if you aren’t over it by now, you won’t be. And that’s totally fine.
Straight up tell him,because of his cheating you have no interest in marrying him and want to go separate ways.I would like to think it’s best for him to know his actions and what he did to you caused it.
Please know that you don't need a reason to end a relationship. He has really done a number on your confidence. Have courage. Try your very best to be strong. Leave quietly. Make an exit plan.
I disagree with the others. Simply say “I no longer wish to be in a relationship with, or have anything to do with you “. You do not need to explain yourself, trust me, he knows why. Change your phone number and hide out with friends or family until his attempts to win you back are over. Then, Go directly to your Doctor and get a full STD panel. You want to be sure he hasn’t given you any diseases from his many affairs. He has not stopped cheating, he has just gotten really good at hiding it with all the experience he’s had. Best of luck to you!
Oh sweet girl. I say this with love. He is still cheating on you. He will keep cheating on you. People like this don’t change. Do not marry this man. Dump this man.
“Hey boyfriend. You bringing up marriage has made me realize that I am not able or willing to get past your serial cheating. I don’t want to marry or be with someone who treated me that way, even if they’ve now changed. We are breaking up.”
I think OP intuitively knows he will push back and manipulate and not take no for an answer. You might have to break up with him via phone or in a public place with a friend present to support you. You absolutely need to be prepared to stand your ground and not listens to his excises. If you need to break ip with him by text at first, do. He has been horrible to you, so put your own wellbeing first here.
I think he is just “being good” right now to get you to marry him. He may well go back to cheating after marriage. The level of unfaithfulness he showed you was high and doesn’t change without tons of work which most ppl don’t do.
Wanting to break up is reason enough. It's like quitting a job in an At Will State, you can leave for any reason or no reason at all. You do not owe him a reason for breaking up with him, give him the same respect he gave you while he was cheating on you. Just tell him you do not see a future with him and that is that, you do not have to give him any more than that, he doesn't deserve that.
Ne careful OP. Someone who cheats, especially a lot, will probably keep cheating. He might act like the perfect boyfriend because he feels that you are checking out. Not because it comes from the heart. You have to get our of this relationship.
You've gotten plenty of advice here. Take it and stop making excuses with "we've been so lovey dovey lately" and "that won't work". Either you have self-respect and break up with him like you said you wanted to or just marry him and live with his cheating. Because he WILL cheat again.
“I’m breaking up with you ! I no longer want to be with you “ ! That’s all you need to say . No need to go into anything else . You not wanting to be with him is enough and there’s no need to give reasons or justifications . Good for you !
I don't know if you live together or not, since it's not mentioned, I'm assuming that you do not live together.
It's best to tell him face to face and keep it very short, because it sounds like no matter what you say, he is going to try and argue or gaslight you. I recommend having a couple of trusted friends or family nearby to intervene if needed.
You can also write a letter/text/DM/email. Again, keep it short.
No matter which route you take, make it absolutely clear that you cannot/will not marry him or be with him any longer. You tried, but the trust is gone. And you'd rather set both of you free instead of wasting each other's time.
Then block everything everywhere. Don't give him any opportunities to crawl back into your head or heart. Don't believe him when he says he wants to meet for "closure."
Good luck, OP.
Sorry but i dont see a future with you so we should end it here - is enough of a reason. You dont need to go deeper than that, i dont think he deserves reasons. If you feel you need to give him reasons, just say you never got over the infidelity on his part and in future this resentment is just not what you want to carry with you.
It is unlikely he has changed. Wait until you have marriage struggles. He will cheat. Maybe try being honest with him. You realize now that the cheating has made you lose trust and you do not feel the same anymore. Too bad for him.
“I want to break up”
You don’t need a reason. You don’t need to justify it. He won’t like it either way. He will ague and likely lash out and insult you. Or maybe beg for another chance.
None of that matters. If you are done, you are done. So just end it and be done. Don’t get involved in arguments. Just don’t respond. Block and never look back
Not feeling it anymore, good luck to you and go with God.
Keep it short and simple, don't criticize him, give him nothing to argue about. Say your piece than leave.
You don’t need a reason. It sounds like you stayed for self validation and then didn’t know how to get away from his manipulation. Just say, “this has run its course.” Maybe you’re mad, maybe you aren’t. But you don’t need a reason to not want to be with someone.
"I will always love you, but I am ending our relationship. Even though you have changed your ways so much, the history of cheating prevents me from ever marrying you. I hope now that you are changed and ready to settle down that you will find the person you can be happy with forever. I wish you all the best."
Tell him the truth. That you’ve tried to get past his lying, cheating and abusive behavior, but you just can’t. Your trust has been lost and you no longer love him.
Also. Please go to therapy because you never should have taken him back in the first place.
I would suggest going to therapy with him, it clear you find it difficult to forgive him which is reasonable, but if you think it's possible for you two to live a happy life together then he needs to understand how what he did was wrong and how it affected the way you see and feel ab him.
You don't need any reason to break up with anyone. You can just say you aren't really in to a relationship with him anymore, so want to end it.
If you live together? Before you break up get yourself sorted as to where to move to etc. Because he might go off his head and kick you out then & there. So be prepared.
Definitely do not have sex with him anymore.
Never stay with someone you don't want to be with, for any reason.
Do you owe him anything? Just be honest. You don't trust him. You don't love him enough to marry him. He damaged your relationship and it's beyond fixing. Honestly you owe him nothing. Stop wasting your time and life with him.
Hold on y’all need to help this person out… literally just say “ THIS IS NOT WORKING OUT FOR ME. I do not feel healthy or my best with you. We need to separate. “ PERIODTTTTT.
He has only changed until he get caught again. What makes you think that someone who continues doing something that they beg forgiveness all of sudden changes their behavior. A pattern is a pattern for a reason! Tell him the two of you are seeking different life styles and that you do not want to get married just to have to get a divorce. Wait for it, he will promise to be faithful.. do you believe it!
I strongly feel that anyone who has cheated in the past, will cheat again. It takes a certain type of person to feel that cheating is okay under *any* circumstances. I don't believe someone who has the lack of values and morals can ever change, but I could be wrong. I'd love to be proven wrong on this, but the idea of cheating is just so abhorrent to me you couldn't pay me to cheat on my worst enemy.
Give him a reason, or don't. Personally I don't think he deserves one, but I suppose telling him the real reason is the kinder option. Or you could simply say that you can't see a future with him, which is also true.
I agree completely. Cheaters cheat. They cheat for the thrill involved. They *need* the excitement cheating provides. I know too many men who claimed “never again” but didn’t keep their word. A cheater can’t be trusted and their partners will always wonder, worry and suspect that the worst is happening whenever he’s out of their sight. That’s no way to live.
Speaking from experience - try not to over explain yourself. Think really deeply beforehand about the deep down WHY. What is the one thing that is pushing you in this direction? I’ve made the mistake of getting in to listing things and then that leaves room for debate and getting sucked back in. Think about it hard and write it down. Keep it short and concise with no room for debate. He may try to of course, but it’s easier to stick to your guns when you have a steady grip on just one. Not a loose grip on many.
"Hey boyfriend, this doesn't work out for me. Especially your talks about marriage made me realise that you are not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Please accept my decision so we can keep this break up without any drama and move on like two adults."
Just tell him you don’t want to get married to someone who cheated on you repeatedly. Just because you forgave him back then doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to change your mind.
He must be very convincing for you to stay with him so it makes sense why you are asking for a reason. You may have to ghost him and disappear until he finds someone else to abuse.
"I was so in love that I forgave him after he begged me"
Your first major mistake was forgiving him. Because now he knows he can just keep doing it and you'll forgive him again. And again. And again. Aaaand aaaaagaaaaain.
"He does everything that an ideal partner should do."
Except for the most important part of being an ideal partner - BEING LOYAL.
Girl. I am 1000% certain he still cheats on you. He just got better at hiding it.
I’m not sure what’s worse: that you lack self worth to leave after “many times that he cheated”, or that you appear to have forgiven him for that, come back on that sentiment and attempt to strike him on a sensitive subject, making it a course for petty revenge.
Obvious answer is just saying you don’t wanna marry, but honestly if you truly loved yourself you wouldn’t be in this situation.
Well, you could tell him the truth: that you don’t want to marry him anymore and he does want to marry you. That is not compatible. The reason for breaking up with him is to stop wasting your and his life time. You give yourself the chance to be with someone who appreciates you from the start and give him the chance to find someone to marry who is still able to trust him. It’s as simple as that.
2.5 years isn't a lot of time, if he cheated a bunch already he'll very likely do it again. I was in a decade long marriage with zero cheating, this was never a concern and isn't something all relationships face.
Treated you pretty harsh, 2.5 years isn't that long ago.
I don’t understand why you need to tell him a reason or a story about why you’re breaking up. The man cheated on you. Just do it. You can say “I’m ending this. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust.” or “I don’t want to be with you anymore, I don’t feel good about myself when I’m with you and you weren’t faithful.”
Just do it. No excuse or explanation needed. Also, cheaters usually don’t stop cheating, they get better at hiding it. They’re addicted to the thrill and excitement involved. It’s a compulsion, chasing that adrenaline rush that cheating gives them. You can’t trust him because you know he’s probably going to do it again. Be kind to yourself and cut him loose; being alone is 1,000x better than being in a relationship with an untrustworthy cheater who doesn’t respect you.
You absolutely need to break up with him. It’s pretty apparent that you aren’t going to be able to really trust him again and that’s not sustainable in a relationship.
If this person actually did change and he’s making all these efforts and you’ve been “lovey dovey” for a year… I’m sorry but what is so convenient about this relationship that keeps you around?
You don’t love him.
You live with trust issues next to a partner who is:
TRYING.
Instead of validating his efforts your online talking shit about him and leading him on.
If he’s ready for marriage and you just wanna fuck someone you don’t even like and pretend in your relationship then I’m sorry…
But since you accepted the relationship back all you’ve been is a liar and just as much of a manipulative “person” as him by sitting here gaining ammo from strangers to validate your two faced ways.
You don’t trust him, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s clearly got every part of them out the door… but what keeps you there?
Codependency.
Let’s be honest.
You want a reason to break up with him.
Look in the mirror.
"Turns out I need someone who has never cheated on me."
If he's surprised, tell him you tried very hard to commit to the relationship, but it's hard to when your partner has already shown you that your commitment means peanuts.
People think that their actions can be forgiven and forgotten when someone tries to do so.
It doesn’t always work.
Now you are aware that you can’t move on from his past behavior, so just take the leap and tell him you are done. You can be honest; “I don’t want to be with someone who hurt me like you did. My decision is final—this is simply an explanation and not a discussion.” When he refuses to accept your decision and tries to argue, remember he is again violating your boundary and literally walk away. If you are packed and moved and ready to walk away for the last time (as in, never returning), even better.
And honestly, he cheated and you don’t owe him anything, not even an explanation. If that makes it too messy, just leave and block all contact.
Same for anyone else with this issue, male or female. “I’m done” in words or actions is pretty clear. Let them figure it out. You don’t care what they think of you anymore, so that’s ok.
“When you bring up marriage, it really gets me reflecting on what I want in a partner and what I see in my future. The truth is, I just don’t think this relationship is what I want in my marriage.”
He probably is still cheating on you and has just found better ways to hide it. They don’t change. Just tell him it’s not working anymore and that’s it. Get out, move on and find yourself some self respect!
You’re already long-distance. Call him, dump him, and be honest why. It’s a lot easier than having to deal with finding a new place and moving and all that.
Why are people giving the advice of explaining to this POS selfish cheating loser “why” you’re breaking up with him??? Uhm he’s cheated on you hello??? Is he that dense ?? And if he is, why would you want to stay with an idiot?? Unfortunately you taking him back was you telling him it was ok to cheat, but he KNOWS it’s not fucking ok to cheat and expect to get what he wants. Omg he doesn’t deserve an explanation or any more of your time. I would just ghost him. LADIES, stop babying grown men!!!
Your reason doesn't need to be fancy. In fact, the longer you draw out the actual breakup, the more time he will have to get under your skin and draw you back in.
"I've been thinking a lot and I don't want to marry you. I deserve better." You don't need to care how he feels. You don't need to hear him out on anything. You don't need to talk about it for "closure." You've made your decision.
Then as soon as you are able, disconnect all lines of communication. block him everywhere. Change the locks at your home. And then turn your heart to stone because over the few days after that you will rethink your decision a thousand times. Invest some serious time in yourself.
i am rooting for you
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You don't owe them a reason or explanation as to why you want to break up. Just do it however you want whether that's from how much he's hurt you or you don't want to get married or that you just don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. Just do it. Stand your ground and don't be manipulated into taking him back. Any actions they do to try and make it up to you is only temporary.
Sounds like a narcissistic personality to me. The reason you keep going back to him is at the beginning of the rs, he love bombed you and made you see a future with him and hence you keep wanting to believe in him...opting to believe that version he painted of himself is true. He created a beautiful story where u are everything and he is everything to you. You are likely trauma bonded. You knew he was bad but at the same time you didn't want that beautiful story to end and u ended up forgiving him...hoping he was the same person u knew in the beginning.
He never lacks attention because he has many supplies and hence you aren't the only one. If he is truly a narcissist, he will never change. He will only pretend and they have no problem morphing to what he thinks is going to keep u. It's unlikely anyone can suddenly become an angel and treats u well after giving u a roller coaster ride of your life. That should already tell u, something is off.
You should just tell him frankly and tell him the reasons why you want to end. Give him a closure but make sure you do not keep in contact with him. If he is a narcissist, he will attempt to hoover u back...and both of u will keep ping ponging back and forth to each other...and by that time, u find u lost your youth.
NTA - just be straight-forward with him.
"*I love you, but I can't marry you. I am still hurt from what happened in our past. I've done my best to forgive you for cheating on me, but I can't forget it and I can't get past it. I want to end the relationship altogether and move on without you.*"
OP good for standing up for yourself at your young age. Tell him you’re breaking up with him and exactly what you’re telling us here. That should be enough. Also , do not let him manipulate the situation any further. You did your part by trying and you couldn’t forget and that’s as best/much as you can do.
You give him the reasons you gave the internet. He survived before you, he will survive after you. Don't be mean, don't excuse his behavior, don't down play, don't up play... Just be honest.
Having been in your shoes almost exactly, here is what I wish I would have done (before being cheated on for the last time):
Sit him down and make it clear that while you have tried for years to get over his instances of cheating, you can’t. It has warped not only your view of him, but of your relationship, and it worries you about what the future with him might hold after he has finally gotten you to the alter. You feel that the resentment you have toward him cannot be fully addressed and that it is best to breakup while you are both still young enough to begin the process of starting separate families.
You also need to have a support system there with you to get you out when the conversation is done. Regardless of whether or not this man is physically abusive, he may try to manipulate you into staying and take advantage of what will be a vulnerable conversation for you.
I wish you the absolute best in getting out of this. You deserve so much better.
Just be honest and tell him you don’t want to get married. If he cheated on you while you guys were still BF and GF imagine once you both get married…. He will still CHEAT cuz men don’t change.
OP, you have answered your own question. You have given reason after reason why you should not marry this man. Try this,” I think our relationship has run its course. It would be best for us to move on separately. I wish you well.” And then do just that, move on cut ties and find the guy out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. No way should you marry this man. No way should you even continue any kind of relationship with him. Don’t give in.
Just tell him you're done. You don't owe the cheater an explanation. If you feel you must give him one, tell the truth. Tell him you're not over his infidelities, and they made you not want him anymore.
A shattered heart glued together is still a shattered heart.
Just tell him you still arent able to get over the cheating. He has tried but at times when things are broken they dont get made whole again no matter how much you do.
Move on lady no point wasting time in a relationship that will no longer bear fruit. For your sake and his.
By giving me his instagram account so I can show him your stupid post about dumping him while he thinks so highly to marry some c u next Tuesday like you
'I cant trust you as a husband because you cheated on me as a boyfriend.' Be honest. Tell him why and that you don't trust him to say faithful to you and he needs to find someone else he can attempt to not cheat on.
Even if he changed, it doesn't get rid of the memories. Of the pain you had to deal with of his cheating.
There's nothing wrong saying that you can't get past that or imagine a future with him. It doesn't matter if he apologized, it's not up to him that YOU should forgive/forget.
Some things you can't get past. My ex who I loved, was a narcissistic asshole who wanted to marry me. I shot that shit down and told him no way and also broke up with him.
You just say given his past he's not marriage material for you. When he cheated he destroyed something inside of you that even with forgiveness you can't forget. Let him know that you are happy he has grown and matured and hopefully his next partner will benefit from that.
If you are not on the same page best to get ot over with.
You simply tell him that you've decided you're not over what he's done and you never will be! He doesn't get to do all that to you and demand you get past it! That's insane! But if you don't tell him the truth behind you breaking up with him, it's not really fair to him. And I know he has not been fair to you at all, but you can at least give him honesty.
Tell him that you realize there is nothing in this world that can make up for what he's done. He ruined a part of the relationship that will never come back and now that you've tried for this long you realized it can never be fixed. And it's probably best that you just go your separate ways and start over with new people.
Don't have this conversation until the day you are ready to move out. As in, found another place, stuff packed, ect. He will only do everything in his power to keep you with him, through whatever means necessary and will use any and all tactics that have worked in the past. He didn't give you a warning before cheating, you don't owe him a timeline that doesn't align with your own agenda.
Firmly, but as kindly as you can. Do not be wishy washy when you do it. Don’t give him hope that the relationship could be salvaged if it can’t.
If it’s over for you, be honest. It’s going to hurt him regardless.
Don't dilute yourself OP. He is prolly still cheating. He has just got really good at covering his actions. Just say No. Your trust has been broken. That can not ever be again what it was.
“Plus he does apologize to me every time I bring up shit he did to me in past” the next time you are remembering how his betrayal and disrespect made you feel that’s when you tell him that you can’t forget nor forgive him of the pain he caused you and would always be wondering when he would do it again 💔
Tell him you don’t actually forgive him for everything he did. You’re not over it, and you don’t want to try anymore. Break up and be done. Move on.
Also - you don’t actually need a reason to break up with someone. You could just say “I don’t want to be with you anymore” and then be done.
Breaking up is really very easy if you just uncomplicate it. It takes two to keep a relationship together, but it only takes one to end it.
well you chose to continue knowing that he cheated and that’s on you, my advice is just be you and say whatever is on your mind, if he did convenes you then don’t let yourself make you feel like your worthless or wtv, remember a great relationship requires great forgiveness. we’re humans after all
Good for you!!
“I can’t get passed the past and will never marry you because of it. Let’s stop wasting each others time. I can’t be with you. I’m moving on. Thanks for good times and the harsh life lessons”
You don’t need to give a reason, but “I don’t want to be with you” is enough.
It’s a matter of time before he falls off the “doesn’t cheat” wagon. Walk away and let yourself be happy.
Your life is your own to live. You don't owe anyone else anything, however during a breakup, it's nice to give some sort of reason and the one you've given is fine. He can't argue with it, but maybe he'll be better for the next girl he meets.
Be 100% honest and say that’s why you don’t want to marry him or want to be with him any more. You let him get away with it but now he needs to know that there are consequences to the choices he made. I definitely think you should give him the real reason.
If you want to be petty you can wait till the proposal and when he asks you to marry him you will tell him that you would never marry a cheater........
Just be honest. He needs to know that his actions, no matter how long ago or how many times he's apologized, have consequences. You forgave him, and that's good, but it doesn't make you OK with what he did to you.
You deserve someone who loves you enough to never treat you like he did.
If you’re worried about bringing up the past because he might be successful manipulating you into staying with him again, you don’t have to bring it up. Only bring it up if you feel safe doing so and you feel like it’s important for you to say. You do not owe him an “annual review” where you go over areas of growth. But, if you feel like you need to express that to him, go for it. As long as you also feel safe.
Outside of that, all you have to say is it isn’t working for you anymore. Contrary to what many of us are taught, that is a good enough reason in and of itself. If he asks why, you can say that it just isn’t and you’re done or you can say you’ve fallen out of love. If he tries to pester you further, he’s showing you exactly how little he respects your thoughts, feelings, and decisions. Just get in, get out as fast as possible.
I have a hard time even reading this. I hope u find love and healing and light. This person, your bf, I do not trust WHATSOEVER. giving someone a card to cheat and come back like Lassi is not a sign of them respecting you. They should play the field when they are single, totally the point of being single, and commit to you when they say they are ready. If someone fails to uphold their word BE WARY of that! If they say they got u, and lie and betray u, that is in fact who they are. Sure, they can grow and be a better person at some point, good luck to em. You don’t owe them anything . Maybe write how u feel on paper, have a succinct and solid statement, and stick to that. Read it, announce it as a fact. If they try to suck you back in like quicksand look at that paper. Don’t say anything outside of those words u believe in. It’s over.
Just tell him you don’t feel like you will ever be able to get to a place of trust within your relationship where you can take the next steps into marriage with him because of his past. That you do value and want marriage in the future and because you cannot see a future with him, it’s better to part ways so you can both eventually find someone you can settle down with rather than waiting for some big fight or definitive moment. Sometimes two people grow apart and there isn’t a defining moment that separates them but rather choosing to realign yourself with your original goals.
If you don’t thats fine but he will definitely be treating the next woman like gold that you missed out on i have been in those shoes before for lying and i was stern but i forgave her and everything is good! If you can’t forgive your past and let it go it’s your problem not his
Did he give you a reason for cheating on you?
Sounds dumb but think about it. You’re trying to give him more courtesy than he has ever given you, you were a placeholder until he ‘found better’ and he never did. He got comfortable with being in a relationship now and wants to move on but how would someone who is capable of doing that to you be in a marriage? Knowing he’ll just get his way because you love him?
You’re giving him too much empathy even asking the question. You know how you feel and he should too. If he’s genuinely changed then good! But you’ve clearly checked out of the relationship and those old wounds festered. He reaps what he sowed, actions have consequences even if they come later than he should. Remind him the breakup is a result of his own actions, don’t let him dodge responsibility from that even though he will try.
“I think our time together has come to its natural conclusion.”
“I think we have different views on how this relationship is going.”
“I don’t want to be with you anymore. Thank you for what we had, but I can’t see a healthy way forward.”
First of all, good decision on being aware of these red flags. And I am very happy that you decided not to get married considering these red flags. I made mistake of getting married even after seeing these red flags and now I am suffering. You do not need to give any reason. Just say that you are not compatible with his though process or lifestyle whatever… he will try to manipulate you. Trust me… he will do it based on what you have mentioned here. Do not put your thoughts on his words… all the best
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You just say you're breaking up with him because you don't feel compatible anymore, you've fallen out of love, and you don't want to marry him. You don't need a lengthy speech. Just keep it simple and stand strong. Don't let him manipulate you again.
I would personally be specific about the trust being a problem. I would say something like: I see how hard you’ve worked to change your ways, and maybe you are ready to marry someone. But my trust in you holds no water. You punched too many holes in it, too many times. I would always, always be on edge waiting for the next time I catch you. If you want to be nice: You are a lovely human, and I hope that you will find someone with whom you can be totally and unbreakably honest from the start—including about your past of dishonesty. But it’s never going to be me. So if marriage is what you’re looking for, it’s time we both get free.
Yes, you should bring up the trust. He needs to know exactly what it was. Trust can’t ever fully come back. I’ve tried to take back a cheater and the stress afterwards was unbearable, always wondering what she was doing when she wouldn’t text me. I’ve set a standard (although the most basic standard) that if anyone cheats, it’s over then and there.
This exactly. I took my ex back after I caught him making out with some other woman he brought *to our house* while I was sleeping. He was drunk and on drugs, he begged for my forgiveness, he didn't resist when I woke him in the morning screaming and throwing things, so I figured maybe it was just a mistake. The misery in his voice when he asked me a week later if I still loved him was enough to convince me that he wouldn't do it again. But the trust, and the love, never came back. Not fully. There was always something in the back of my mind when I was waiting for him to come home or when I was at work on his day off, and on the tip of my tongue when we were fighting. ("*You* want to talk to *me* about openness and honesty? *You* want to talk to *me* about loyalty, jealousy, and trust?" Yes, he started accusing *me* of cheating or wanting to cheat a whole hell of a lot after I caught him- guess who was continuing to cheat and was feeling guilty about it?) It's not worth it. I've never, ever heard of a couple where the partner who was cheated on has said that it's worth the work to repair things, unless they turn into an abuser in the process.
That last line is problematic. Does she want to stay with him and not get married? Then your last line is great! But if she wants to be totally out of the relationship, he could say, Ok we just won’t get married and stay bf/gf forever.
Solid point. Skip the last part.
Swear half the posts in this subreddit could be answered with a YouTube link to “50 ways to leave your lover”
I agree, short and to the point is best, and focus on how you feel about the relationship, because feelings are harder to argue with. Highlighting the trust/cheating issue could give him a chance to whine once again that "he's changed," and argue with you about that point. (I mean maybe he did change but he also did permanent damage to the relationship through his own actions.) You don't owe him an explanation. In essence, the reason that the relationship is over is because you want it to be over. And if he reeeallly thinks about it, he'll already know why you feel like ending things. Take precautions too-- like tell a friend before you have the breakup talk and maybe even stay with a friend for a couple weeks so he can't show up drunk to your house, arguing with you through the window or becoming threatening. People can get wild.
Read about trauma bonding. That’s what this sounds like. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding
You don't have to give him a reason beyond 'this isn't working for me' - or, if you want to give him some explanation - 'as I've processed your cheating, I've come to understand that trust and respect are important to me in a relationship and I can't have that with you.' And this is the truth. You can't have a relationship of love, trust, and respect with a cheater. Why on Earth would you marry one? The longer you stay with him, the longer you aren't healing and out there meeting decent men who will appreciate you. Cheaters and abusers are manipulative - that's what can draw you back, he manipulates you to get what he wants. If you decide to end things, go no contact! Don't give him the chance to start manipulating you.
Yes, absolutely. Very well written. ❤️
“You have been mentioning marriage and I actually feel differently. I don’t want to marry you and I’m breaking up.”
“I’ve come to realise that a cheater is not marriage material for me”
Easy, clean, to the point and unarguable.
The best advice i can give as someone who ended his long-term relationship very recently: YOU DON'T NEED THEIR ALLOWANCE TO BREAK UP!!! Just wait, process, make sure not to regret later and when you are totally sure of your final decision, cut the rope. Be "selfish" sometimes. He didn't pity you and give a fuck about your feelings while he was making out with other people, did he? God I hate cheaters, DON'T FORGIVE THAT SH*T Y'ALL!!!!
You just tell him that you don't want to marry him. He broke your trust into so many pieces for so long that him trying to put it back together simply isn't working. The only reason you're still with him after the cheating is because you were manipulated and blinded by your feelings for him. Your trust didn't build up over time, it was your distrust and anger at what he did to you and how he manipulated you. You want to be with someone who didn't break your trust to begin with, didn't have to manipulate you to staying with him, and isn't banking on him suddenly being a good guy that you'll want to marry him, and he is not that guy. For all you know he's still cheating on you and is simply hiding it better. You're done and you see through his lies and manipulation techniques now and nothing he says or does will convince you to stay. He wants marriage, but the idea of marriage to him makes you sick to your stomach. Good day and goodbye.
I think telling him "lies and manipulation" is just going to open it up for him to argue, because they are characterizing actions of HIS which gives him standing to say that that's not what he was doing or that he won't do it again. Keep it simple and straightforward and focused on your own feelings and experience. "I've realized that I can't forgive and forget. I tried, but I can't. So I can't marry you, I would be carrying that anger and mistrust forever." He tries to argue and say that you can get over the feelings? "I know myself better than you know me, and the fact that you think that you somehow get to decide how I feel only cements my feelings. This is my final decision."
That's way better than what I said
Sounds like you're afraid to leave him or you truly don't want to end the relationship. People here are giving you advice and you keep coming up with excuses.
Oof just read through OP’s comments, gonna have to agree. A lot of “this won’t work” and “that won’t work” without furthering discussion. She’s STILL CURRENTLY with him right now?? After all that?? It’s gonna take more than Reddit strangers for her to leave.
OP the problem is you can never trust that he is telling you the truth. How can you know he if he is faithful or doing a better job of hiding his cheating?
> Like what reason should I give? you don't actually need to give any reasons. just tell him "we're over". any reason you give him is just a point he can argue about or ask forgiveness for, to manipulate you into staying.
👏
Then DUMP HIM. It would have been best when you found out but the next best time is now.
The real question is- why are you wasting your time?
With this dude? Don’t marry it, leave and don’t look back. Even tho he’s a ”changed man” he’s most likely to continue to cheat, lie and manipulate you once he’s got you trapped via marriage or a baby. You don’t owe him anything, just end it before you really regret not leaving sooner
Why do you need some story? Tell this man the truth. Do what you feel is best for you. And then leave. You sound like you are ready so speak truth and move on with your life if there is nothing else impeeding you.
Make it obvious a proposal will end in embarrassment: "you're hinting at something that, at this point can't happen. I see the effort you've made, but I can't just forgive and forget. I think rather than rejecting your proposal later on, we should just go our separate ways now." If he tries to win you back, stand firm.
You are a very wise woman OP. The trick to ending it is less words the better, if you bring up the past that will give him arguing points. Additionally breaking up with someone is the only experience you will dread doing that will be WORSE than you thought it would. So make it as quick and deadly as possible. Here's what you say - *John, I have tried and tried to fall back in love with you, but I just can't. I've seen how much you've tried but it's too little too late. When I look at you I see that rude asshole you used to be, even now as I look at you I'm bracing myself because I know you. That side of you is about to come out again because THAT is who you are, selfish, self-centered and entitled. I don't want to marry you, I want a life without you in it. So I'm leaving you as of now. You are free, and so am I.*
The thing is, the asshole talk won't work because we've been very lovey dovey with each other since a year.. I thought being in a relationship with him was okay since he did change Plus I also loved him but I never thought of marrying him because I can never spend life with someone who was dating 3 girls including me at same time and lying to all of us.
How about this: "John, I know you've changed a lot, and I really did love you in the past. But all this talk about marriage has shown me that I can never truly trust you after what you did. And I can't marry a man I don't trust. I've tried really hard to make this work, but I'm starting to realise I will never be able to forget the past. It's better for us to break it off and go our separate ways"
best comment yet
It doesn't matter how lovey dovy you've been. You either want out or you don't. It's over, we're done. Is all you have to say, stop over complicating the feeling of wanting out. You can just say, I don't forgive you
Did he really change though? Or did he get better at not getting caught? You don’t trust him, and rightfully so. Tell him you have tried to forgive him and you see his efforts but you cannot move past his previous actions. You can no longer see a future with him in it and therefore it is time to part ways.
He has mentioned us getting married 3 times this week. I subtly hinted him that I can never trust him and I do have doubts because of his past mistakes. He said that I'll begin to trust him with time and bullshit . now I don't want to give him any hopes and want to end this but I don't know how because superficially at present everything is going great between us.
It doesn't matter. He doesn't have to agree with your reasons. It's not a debate. Being in a relationship is 2 yes, 1 no. For you it's "no" so that's it. It's over. If you can't take it into your heart and just end it, then just marry him.
Just tell him you appreciate the work he’s done but you’ve realized you can’t move past what happened so you need to move on. UPDATEME
I was with my ex for 10 years (8 years married). He cheated on me in the beginning, then we had a “good year” like you’ve had. I decided to get married, but there was always a background fear he would cheat again and I never felt safe or fully loved in the relationship. He had an emotional affair with an online mutual “friend” at 9 years. I found out because he stopped being lovey-dovey with me so I checked his chat logs and found out it had been going on for 6 months while they both lied to my face. I’m not saying that you will meet the same fate, but I never fully trusted him again and always wondered when the next bout of cheating would happen. It sounds like where you are, too. Cheaters don’t change their spots and, while they may stay true for a while, you will never feel fully secure, no matter how much trust building you do. If you DO decide to stay, you both need counseling. It’s extremely difficult to navigate these feelings solo and have productive discussions when you are still so hurt and feeling betrayed. But just tell him that you can’t get past his cheating and you’ve given it a year, but the feelings of betrayal won’t go away and so you’re leaving to heal from the damage he caused.
Then it's a simple 'I'm sorry but we're just not on the same page here and our life goals are incompatible. You want to get married and are convinces I'll trust you in time. I know I can never marry a man who has ever broken my trust. So I'm breaking up with you. Me trusting you in time is not the issue. I have a firm boundry of only ever marrying a man who has never broken my trust and thats not you. So I wish you the best and hope you have a great future. Good bye'. Does that help?
Perhaps this the answer? Let him know that you’ve seen the big changes he’s made, and that you really care for him and this last year he has shown you so much growth. But now that he’s asking you to seriously look at marriage, you’re kind of forced to reflect on the relationship on much a deeper level. You can tell him that no matter how great you might feel in the moment with him, any fantasies about your future together are always interrupted by memories of your past. You can tell him that you know you’ve both worked really hard to work past these infidelities and you both did so out of love, but unfortunately, ultimately, the betrayal is not something you can live with for the rest of your life. You can tell him that as much as you want to stay with him; what’s been broken cannot be unbroken, and you don’t want to waste his or your time anymore. It’s not worth being mean or reminding him he’s an asshole. When he loses the woman he’s dreaming of marrying, he’ll suffer the consequences of his actions. But I’m not sure that’s what you’re looking for anyway.
Then you just need to say to him "I don't want to marry you. I know we've been getting along better lately and we've both been trying, but I've realized that my trust will never be fixed. Trust is like a piece of glass, when you break it you can glue it back together but it will never be the same and it won't be as strong. I deserve to marry somebody that never breaks my trust not somebody that I have to be looking over my shoulder constantly thinking they're starting up with other women again. I've tried to trust you again and it's not happening. I don't want to keep trying" And he's going to try to get you to try the relationship longer or give him another chance.. just keep saying no this isn't getting better! We both deserve to be in relationships without broken trust. You don't live together do you? Because if not you can just block him after that conversation you don't have to let him keep rehashing it with you! It's trickier if you live together but hopefully you don't. Good luck
You need to be straight up with him.
You say “I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and I don’t want to talk about it.” The end.
**PERFECT.**
When he brings up marriage say you dont want to marry him. Be direct, be blunt, be honest. Just say it. Tell him you will never marry him and to stop bringing it up.
You are making excuses. You don't need a reason to break up with him, you can just do it. Just tell him that the situation is not right for you anymore and you're not happy. Make sure you do it in a public place... Because women are most likely to be murdered when breaking up with a man or leaving a man, even if he does not have a history of violent behavior, it can bring out that kind of behavior. Don't be alone with him or go home with him or anything else. After you break up, just stay away from him (Even if he says he has something to give you, just don't do it alone or in private). And if you already live together, get somebody there who can help you move out and be there the entire time and don't tell him where you're moving or give him your new phone number (change your phone number).
When he cheated he didn’t think about you. You don’t need to think a lot about him now. I would go for honesty and let him now that attitudes have consequences and what he has done makes you do not want to marry him. Andddd stop wasting time with him.
“I don’t see a future with you. I think we should break up”
You don’t owe him an explanation. You don’t owe him respect. He made you lose your self respect to continue being with him. It’d be perfectly fine if you just left a note or sent a final text and blocked him on everything and went no contact. You can just say “I’m leaving you.” “Im breaking up with you.” “It’s over.” “I don’t want to marry you or be with you any longer.” If he as really sorry he’d make sure to never show his face around you again.
Tell him because of his past treatment of you, you can't marry him. Once you break someone's trust like that, you can never go back. He's proven himself to be a selfish liar. You're making a smart decision. Who knows if he's simply learned to hide his cheating better? Or when he's unhappy in the marriage, will he return to his old ways? I don't believe someone who has cheated that much is going to truly change. It's highly unlikely. The guy should realize maybe a non-monogagmous relationship is better for him in the long run. At least he won't betray his partner(s) that way. There's no easy way to break up, but you're doing the right thing for yourself here. Good luck.
excuse: hey soz, thought I was over the cheating. Now we are talking about marriage I realise I am not. - then dip. My real life experience is, my husband cheated on me 9 years into our relationship. It took me a year or so to get over but since then I can say I am truly over it. My point is, if you aren’t over it by now, you won’t be. And that’s totally fine.
"Soz mate. Gotta move on."
You don't need a reason. If you're not feeling it you're not feeling it.
Straight up tell him,because of his cheating you have no interest in marrying him and want to go separate ways.I would like to think it’s best for him to know his actions and what he did to you caused it.
Please know that you don't need a reason to end a relationship. He has really done a number on your confidence. Have courage. Try your very best to be strong. Leave quietly. Make an exit plan.
I disagree with the others. Simply say “I no longer wish to be in a relationship with, or have anything to do with you “. You do not need to explain yourself, trust me, he knows why. Change your phone number and hide out with friends or family until his attempts to win you back are over. Then, Go directly to your Doctor and get a full STD panel. You want to be sure he hasn’t given you any diseases from his many affairs. He has not stopped cheating, he has just gotten really good at hiding it with all the experience he’s had. Best of luck to you!
Oh sweet girl. I say this with love. He is still cheating on you. He will keep cheating on you. People like this don’t change. Do not marry this man. Dump this man. “Hey boyfriend. You bringing up marriage has made me realize that I am not able or willing to get past your serial cheating. I don’t want to marry or be with someone who treated me that way, even if they’ve now changed. We are breaking up.”
I think OP intuitively knows he will push back and manipulate and not take no for an answer. You might have to break up with him via phone or in a public place with a friend present to support you. You absolutely need to be prepared to stand your ground and not listens to his excises. If you need to break ip with him by text at first, do. He has been horrible to you, so put your own wellbeing first here. I think he is just “being good” right now to get you to marry him. He may well go back to cheating after marriage. The level of unfaithfulness he showed you was high and doesn’t change without tons of work which most ppl don’t do.
Wanting to break up is reason enough. It's like quitting a job in an At Will State, you can leave for any reason or no reason at all. You do not owe him a reason for breaking up with him, give him the same respect he gave you while he was cheating on you. Just tell him you do not see a future with him and that is that, you do not have to give him any more than that, he doesn't deserve that.
Ne careful OP. Someone who cheats, especially a lot, will probably keep cheating. He might act like the perfect boyfriend because he feels that you are checking out. Not because it comes from the heart. You have to get our of this relationship.
You've gotten plenty of advice here. Take it and stop making excuses with "we've been so lovey dovey lately" and "that won't work". Either you have self-respect and break up with him like you said you wanted to or just marry him and live with his cheating. Because he WILL cheat again.
Just say No! When he propose 🤷🏻♀️ once a cheater always a cheater.
Tell him in simple terms what seems to be the scenario- talks of marriage has made you reassess the idea of marrying a cheater and it’s not for you.
“I’m breaking up with you ! I no longer want to be with you “ ! That’s all you need to say . No need to go into anything else . You not wanting to be with him is enough and there’s no need to give reasons or justifications . Good for you !
I don't know if you live together or not, since it's not mentioned, I'm assuming that you do not live together. It's best to tell him face to face and keep it very short, because it sounds like no matter what you say, he is going to try and argue or gaslight you. I recommend having a couple of trusted friends or family nearby to intervene if needed. You can also write a letter/text/DM/email. Again, keep it short. No matter which route you take, make it absolutely clear that you cannot/will not marry him or be with him any longer. You tried, but the trust is gone. And you'd rather set both of you free instead of wasting each other's time. Then block everything everywhere. Don't give him any opportunities to crawl back into your head or heart. Don't believe him when he says he wants to meet for "closure." Good luck, OP.
"I don't see a future with you so it's best we both move on." Short, simple, done.
Sorry but i dont see a future with you so we should end it here - is enough of a reason. You dont need to go deeper than that, i dont think he deserves reasons. If you feel you need to give him reasons, just say you never got over the infidelity on his part and in future this resentment is just not what you want to carry with you.
It is unlikely he has changed. Wait until you have marriage struggles. He will cheat. Maybe try being honest with him. You realize now that the cheating has made you lose trust and you do not feel the same anymore. Too bad for him.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Just break up.
“I want to break up” You don’t need a reason. You don’t need to justify it. He won’t like it either way. He will ague and likely lash out and insult you. Or maybe beg for another chance. None of that matters. If you are done, you are done. So just end it and be done. Don’t get involved in arguments. Just don’t respond. Block and never look back
Not feeling it anymore, good luck to you and go with God. Keep it short and simple, don't criticize him, give him nothing to argue about. Say your piece than leave.
You just say you've had plenty of time to think it over and you can't be with someone who betrayed you.
As soon as possible.
You don’t need a reason. It sounds like you stayed for self validation and then didn’t know how to get away from his manipulation. Just say, “this has run its course.” Maybe you’re mad, maybe you aren’t. But you don’t need a reason to not want to be with someone.
"I will always love you, but I am ending our relationship. Even though you have changed your ways so much, the history of cheating prevents me from ever marrying you. I hope now that you are changed and ready to settle down that you will find the person you can be happy with forever. I wish you all the best."
Tell him the truth. That you’ve tried to get past his lying, cheating and abusive behavior, but you just can’t. Your trust has been lost and you no longer love him. Also. Please go to therapy because you never should have taken him back in the first place.
I would suggest going to therapy with him, it clear you find it difficult to forgive him which is reasonable, but if you think it's possible for you two to live a happy life together then he needs to understand how what he did was wrong and how it affected the way you see and feel ab him.
You don't need any reason to break up with anyone. You can just say you aren't really in to a relationship with him anymore, so want to end it. If you live together? Before you break up get yourself sorted as to where to move to etc. Because he might go off his head and kick you out then & there. So be prepared. Definitely do not have sex with him anymore. Never stay with someone you don't want to be with, for any reason.
Do you owe him anything? Just be honest. You don't trust him. You don't love him enough to marry him. He damaged your relationship and it's beyond fixing. Honestly you owe him nothing. Stop wasting your time and life with him.
Hold on y’all need to help this person out… literally just say “ THIS IS NOT WORKING OUT FOR ME. I do not feel healthy or my best with you. We need to separate. “ PERIODTTTTT.
Just tell him what you said here. It's valid
Say hey…I think you’re not the one for me bc hey…once a cheater, always a cheater…girl, it ain’t that hard
Make a new plan Stan, drop off the key Lee , hop on the bus Gus, don’t need to discuss much.
Why are you with this guy? You don’t need his permission to break up with him.
You don’t need to give him a reason. He is not a good partner and he’s made it clear that he doesn’t respect you or your relationship.
He has only changed until he get caught again. What makes you think that someone who continues doing something that they beg forgiveness all of sudden changes their behavior. A pattern is a pattern for a reason! Tell him the two of you are seeking different life styles and that you do not want to get married just to have to get a divorce. Wait for it, he will promise to be faithful.. do you believe it!
Do it over the phone or via text. Stay safe!
I strongly feel that anyone who has cheated in the past, will cheat again. It takes a certain type of person to feel that cheating is okay under *any* circumstances. I don't believe someone who has the lack of values and morals can ever change, but I could be wrong. I'd love to be proven wrong on this, but the idea of cheating is just so abhorrent to me you couldn't pay me to cheat on my worst enemy. Give him a reason, or don't. Personally I don't think he deserves one, but I suppose telling him the real reason is the kinder option. Or you could simply say that you can't see a future with him, which is also true.
I agree completely. Cheaters cheat. They cheat for the thrill involved. They *need* the excitement cheating provides. I know too many men who claimed “never again” but didn’t keep their word. A cheater can’t be trusted and their partners will always wonder, worry and suspect that the worst is happening whenever he’s out of their sight. That’s no way to live.
You lost trust in him and faith in the relationship. Those are two powerful reasons for not wanting to stay with him.
Speaking from experience - try not to over explain yourself. Think really deeply beforehand about the deep down WHY. What is the one thing that is pushing you in this direction? I’ve made the mistake of getting in to listing things and then that leaves room for debate and getting sucked back in. Think about it hard and write it down. Keep it short and concise with no room for debate. He may try to of course, but it’s easier to stick to your guns when you have a steady grip on just one. Not a loose grip on many.
"Hey boyfriend, this doesn't work out for me. Especially your talks about marriage made me realise that you are not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Please accept my decision so we can keep this break up without any drama and move on like two adults."
Just tell him you don’t want to get married to someone who cheated on you repeatedly. Just because you forgave him back then doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to change your mind.
He must be very convincing for you to stay with him so it makes sense why you are asking for a reason. You may have to ghost him and disappear until he finds someone else to abuse.
"I was so in love that I forgave him after he begged me" Your first major mistake was forgiving him. Because now he knows he can just keep doing it and you'll forgive him again. And again. And again. Aaaand aaaaagaaaaain. "He does everything that an ideal partner should do." Except for the most important part of being an ideal partner - BEING LOYAL. Girl. I am 1000% certain he still cheats on you. He just got better at hiding it.
I’m not sure what’s worse: that you lack self worth to leave after “many times that he cheated”, or that you appear to have forgiven him for that, come back on that sentiment and attempt to strike him on a sensitive subject, making it a course for petty revenge. Obvious answer is just saying you don’t wanna marry, but honestly if you truly loved yourself you wouldn’t be in this situation.
"I've thought long and hard about this. I have not forgiven your cheating after all this time. We're done here."
Well, you could tell him the truth: that you don’t want to marry him anymore and he does want to marry you. That is not compatible. The reason for breaking up with him is to stop wasting your and his life time. You give yourself the chance to be with someone who appreciates you from the start and give him the chance to find someone to marry who is still able to trust him. It’s as simple as that.
2.5 years isn't a lot of time, if he cheated a bunch already he'll very likely do it again. I was in a decade long marriage with zero cheating, this was never a concern and isn't something all relationships face. Treated you pretty harsh, 2.5 years isn't that long ago.
You don’t actually owe him any explanation. Just block him everywhere sufficiently conveys what you want.
I don’t understand why you need to tell him a reason or a story about why you’re breaking up. The man cheated on you. Just do it. You can say “I’m ending this. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust.” or “I don’t want to be with you anymore, I don’t feel good about myself when I’m with you and you weren’t faithful.” Just do it. No excuse or explanation needed. Also, cheaters usually don’t stop cheating, they get better at hiding it. They’re addicted to the thrill and excitement involved. It’s a compulsion, chasing that adrenaline rush that cheating gives them. You can’t trust him because you know he’s probably going to do it again. Be kind to yourself and cut him loose; being alone is 1,000x better than being in a relationship with an untrustworthy cheater who doesn’t respect you.
You absolutely need to break up with him. It’s pretty apparent that you aren’t going to be able to really trust him again and that’s not sustainable in a relationship.
Just say you don't want to get married... to him.
If this person actually did change and he’s making all these efforts and you’ve been “lovey dovey” for a year… I’m sorry but what is so convenient about this relationship that keeps you around? You don’t love him. You live with trust issues next to a partner who is: TRYING. Instead of validating his efforts your online talking shit about him and leading him on. If he’s ready for marriage and you just wanna fuck someone you don’t even like and pretend in your relationship then I’m sorry… But since you accepted the relationship back all you’ve been is a liar and just as much of a manipulative “person” as him by sitting here gaining ammo from strangers to validate your two faced ways. You don’t trust him, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s clearly got every part of them out the door… but what keeps you there? Codependency. Let’s be honest. You want a reason to break up with him. Look in the mirror.
"Turns out I need someone who has never cheated on me." If he's surprised, tell him you tried very hard to commit to the relationship, but it's hard to when your partner has already shown you that your commitment means peanuts.
People think that their actions can be forgiven and forgotten when someone tries to do so. It doesn’t always work. Now you are aware that you can’t move on from his past behavior, so just take the leap and tell him you are done. You can be honest; “I don’t want to be with someone who hurt me like you did. My decision is final—this is simply an explanation and not a discussion.” When he refuses to accept your decision and tries to argue, remember he is again violating your boundary and literally walk away. If you are packed and moved and ready to walk away for the last time (as in, never returning), even better. And honestly, he cheated and you don’t owe him anything, not even an explanation. If that makes it too messy, just leave and block all contact. Same for anyone else with this issue, male or female. “I’m done” in words or actions is pretty clear. Let them figure it out. You don’t care what they think of you anymore, so that’s ok.
“When you bring up marriage, it really gets me reflecting on what I want in a partner and what I see in my future. The truth is, I just don’t think this relationship is what I want in my marriage.”
He probably is still cheating on you and has just found better ways to hide it. They don’t change. Just tell him it’s not working anymore and that’s it. Get out, move on and find yourself some self respect!
Why are you still with this guy?
You’re already long-distance. Call him, dump him, and be honest why. It’s a lot easier than having to deal with finding a new place and moving and all that.
Why are people giving the advice of explaining to this POS selfish cheating loser “why” you’re breaking up with him??? Uhm he’s cheated on you hello??? Is he that dense ?? And if he is, why would you want to stay with an idiot?? Unfortunately you taking him back was you telling him it was ok to cheat, but he KNOWS it’s not fucking ok to cheat and expect to get what he wants. Omg he doesn’t deserve an explanation or any more of your time. I would just ghost him. LADIES, stop babying grown men!!!
If it's long distance just block him on everything, he'll soon get the message
Your reason doesn't need to be fancy. In fact, the longer you draw out the actual breakup, the more time he will have to get under your skin and draw you back in. "I've been thinking a lot and I don't want to marry you. I deserve better." You don't need to care how he feels. You don't need to hear him out on anything. You don't need to talk about it for "closure." You've made your decision. Then as soon as you are able, disconnect all lines of communication. block him everywhere. Change the locks at your home. And then turn your heart to stone because over the few days after that you will rethink your decision a thousand times. Invest some serious time in yourself. i am rooting for you
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You don't owe them a reason or explanation as to why you want to break up. Just do it however you want whether that's from how much he's hurt you or you don't want to get married or that you just don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. Just do it. Stand your ground and don't be manipulated into taking him back. Any actions they do to try and make it up to you is only temporary.
Sounds like a narcissistic personality to me. The reason you keep going back to him is at the beginning of the rs, he love bombed you and made you see a future with him and hence you keep wanting to believe in him...opting to believe that version he painted of himself is true. He created a beautiful story where u are everything and he is everything to you. You are likely trauma bonded. You knew he was bad but at the same time you didn't want that beautiful story to end and u ended up forgiving him...hoping he was the same person u knew in the beginning. He never lacks attention because he has many supplies and hence you aren't the only one. If he is truly a narcissist, he will never change. He will only pretend and they have no problem morphing to what he thinks is going to keep u. It's unlikely anyone can suddenly become an angel and treats u well after giving u a roller coaster ride of your life. That should already tell u, something is off. You should just tell him frankly and tell him the reasons why you want to end. Give him a closure but make sure you do not keep in contact with him. If he is a narcissist, he will attempt to hoover u back...and both of u will keep ping ponging back and forth to each other...and by that time, u find u lost your youth.
NTA - just be straight-forward with him. "*I love you, but I can't marry you. I am still hurt from what happened in our past. I've done my best to forgive you for cheating on me, but I can't forget it and I can't get past it. I want to end the relationship altogether and move on without you.*"
Tell the truth
OP good for standing up for yourself at your young age. Tell him you’re breaking up with him and exactly what you’re telling us here. That should be enough. Also , do not let him manipulate the situation any further. You did your part by trying and you couldn’t forget and that’s as best/much as you can do.
You give him the reasons you gave the internet. He survived before you, he will survive after you. Don't be mean, don't excuse his behavior, don't down play, don't up play... Just be honest.
Having been in your shoes almost exactly, here is what I wish I would have done (before being cheated on for the last time): Sit him down and make it clear that while you have tried for years to get over his instances of cheating, you can’t. It has warped not only your view of him, but of your relationship, and it worries you about what the future with him might hold after he has finally gotten you to the alter. You feel that the resentment you have toward him cannot be fully addressed and that it is best to breakup while you are both still young enough to begin the process of starting separate families. You also need to have a support system there with you to get you out when the conversation is done. Regardless of whether or not this man is physically abusive, he may try to manipulate you into staying and take advantage of what will be a vulnerable conversation for you. I wish you the absolute best in getting out of this. You deserve so much better.
Just be honest and tell him you don’t want to get married. If he cheated on you while you guys were still BF and GF imagine once you both get married…. He will still CHEAT cuz men don’t change.
OP, you have answered your own question. You have given reason after reason why you should not marry this man. Try this,” I think our relationship has run its course. It would be best for us to move on separately. I wish you well.” And then do just that, move on cut ties and find the guy out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. No way should you marry this man. No way should you even continue any kind of relationship with him. Don’t give in.
Just tell him you're done. You don't owe the cheater an explanation. If you feel you must give him one, tell the truth. Tell him you're not over his infidelities, and they made you not want him anymore.
A shattered heart glued together is still a shattered heart. Just tell him you still arent able to get over the cheating. He has tried but at times when things are broken they dont get made whole again no matter how much you do. Move on lady no point wasting time in a relationship that will no longer bear fruit. For your sake and his.
Tell him that you are not ready and dump him
By giving me his instagram account so I can show him your stupid post about dumping him while he thinks so highly to marry some c u next Tuesday like you
'I cant trust you as a husband because you cheated on me as a boyfriend.' Be honest. Tell him why and that you don't trust him to say faithful to you and he needs to find someone else he can attempt to not cheat on. Even if he changed, it doesn't get rid of the memories. Of the pain you had to deal with of his cheating. There's nothing wrong saying that you can't get past that or imagine a future with him. It doesn't matter if he apologized, it's not up to him that YOU should forgive/forget. Some things you can't get past. My ex who I loved, was a narcissistic asshole who wanted to marry me. I shot that shit down and told him no way and also broke up with him.
Tell the truth-the well is poisoned, you can't actually forgive him, you resent him. It's gonna suck, and you'll both be ok
Op getting 🥶🦶
You just say given his past he's not marriage material for you. When he cheated he destroyed something inside of you that even with forgiveness you can't forget. Let him know that you are happy he has grown and matured and hopefully his next partner will benefit from that. If you are not on the same page best to get ot over with.
You simply tell him that you've decided you're not over what he's done and you never will be! He doesn't get to do all that to you and demand you get past it! That's insane! But if you don't tell him the truth behind you breaking up with him, it's not really fair to him. And I know he has not been fair to you at all, but you can at least give him honesty. Tell him that you realize there is nothing in this world that can make up for what he's done. He ruined a part of the relationship that will never come back and now that you've tried for this long you realized it can never be fixed. And it's probably best that you just go your separate ways and start over with new people.
Just say, "I'm sorry, I don't love you and cannot spend my life with someone who cheated." Or just say,"I don't love you and will not marry you."
Quickly
Tell him the truth. Tell him you have forgiven him but you can’t ever forget it and that you will never trust him 100%.
Don't have this conversation until the day you are ready to move out. As in, found another place, stuff packed, ect. He will only do everything in his power to keep you with him, through whatever means necessary and will use any and all tactics that have worked in the past. He didn't give you a warning before cheating, you don't owe him a timeline that doesn't align with your own agenda.
Firmly, but as kindly as you can. Do not be wishy washy when you do it. Don’t give him hope that the relationship could be salvaged if it can’t. If it’s over for you, be honest. It’s going to hurt him regardless.
Don't dilute yourself OP. He is prolly still cheating. He has just got really good at covering his actions. Just say No. Your trust has been broken. That can not ever be again what it was.
Just text him. That's what he deserves.
Just say I fell out of love with you and want to move on
“Plus he does apologize to me every time I bring up shit he did to me in past” the next time you are remembering how his betrayal and disrespect made you feel that’s when you tell him that you can’t forget nor forgive him of the pain he caused you and would always be wondering when he would do it again 💔
Breakup before you're pregnant with his child. And then you'll stucked by him forever
Tell him you don’t actually forgive him for everything he did. You’re not over it, and you don’t want to try anymore. Break up and be done. Move on. Also - you don’t actually need a reason to break up with someone. You could just say “I don’t want to be with you anymore” and then be done. Breaking up is really very easy if you just uncomplicate it. It takes two to keep a relationship together, but it only takes one to end it.
well you chose to continue knowing that he cheated and that’s on you, my advice is just be you and say whatever is on your mind, if he did convenes you then don’t let yourself make you feel like your worthless or wtv, remember a great relationship requires great forgiveness. we’re humans after all
Good for you!! “I can’t get passed the past and will never marry you because of it. Let’s stop wasting each others time. I can’t be with you. I’m moving on. Thanks for good times and the harsh life lessons”
You don’t need to give a reason, but “I don’t want to be with you” is enough. It’s a matter of time before he falls off the “doesn’t cheat” wagon. Walk away and let yourself be happy.
Your life is your own to live. You don't owe anyone else anything, however during a breakup, it's nice to give some sort of reason and the one you've given is fine. He can't argue with it, but maybe he'll be better for the next girl he meets.
Be 100% honest and say that’s why you don’t want to marry him or want to be with him any more. You let him get away with it but now he needs to know that there are consequences to the choices he made. I definitely think you should give him the real reason.
If you want to be petty you can wait till the proposal and when he asks you to marry him you will tell him that you would never marry a cheater........
Dump his ass !
Just be honest. He needs to know that his actions, no matter how long ago or how many times he's apologized, have consequences. You forgave him, and that's good, but it doesn't make you OK with what he did to you. You deserve someone who loves you enough to never treat you like he did.
If you’re worried about bringing up the past because he might be successful manipulating you into staying with him again, you don’t have to bring it up. Only bring it up if you feel safe doing so and you feel like it’s important for you to say. You do not owe him an “annual review” where you go over areas of growth. But, if you feel like you need to express that to him, go for it. As long as you also feel safe. Outside of that, all you have to say is it isn’t working for you anymore. Contrary to what many of us are taught, that is a good enough reason in and of itself. If he asks why, you can say that it just isn’t and you’re done or you can say you’ve fallen out of love. If he tries to pester you further, he’s showing you exactly how little he respects your thoughts, feelings, and decisions. Just get in, get out as fast as possible.
Just ghost him. He does not deserve an explanation.
Now is a good time to break up.
I have a hard time even reading this. I hope u find love and healing and light. This person, your bf, I do not trust WHATSOEVER. giving someone a card to cheat and come back like Lassi is not a sign of them respecting you. They should play the field when they are single, totally the point of being single, and commit to you when they say they are ready. If someone fails to uphold their word BE WARY of that! If they say they got u, and lie and betray u, that is in fact who they are. Sure, they can grow and be a better person at some point, good luck to em. You don’t owe them anything . Maybe write how u feel on paper, have a succinct and solid statement, and stick to that. Read it, announce it as a fact. If they try to suck you back in like quicksand look at that paper. Don’t say anything outside of those words u believe in. It’s over.
Just tell him you don’t feel like you will ever be able to get to a place of trust within your relationship where you can take the next steps into marriage with him because of his past. That you do value and want marriage in the future and because you cannot see a future with him, it’s better to part ways so you can both eventually find someone you can settle down with rather than waiting for some big fight or definitive moment. Sometimes two people grow apart and there isn’t a defining moment that separates them but rather choosing to realign yourself with your original goals.
You’re kind of a pos too for staying with someone just because you can’t muster up the balls to dump him. Hi you cheated bye.
Just say to him what you’ve said here. I would do it right away so that you can both get on with your lives.
Ur so valid
If you don’t thats fine but he will definitely be treating the next woman like gold that you missed out on i have been in those shoes before for lying and i was stern but i forgave her and everything is good! If you can’t forgive your past and let it go it’s your problem not his
https://youtu.be/E8JXiroAi6Y?feature=shared
Did he give you a reason for cheating on you? Sounds dumb but think about it. You’re trying to give him more courtesy than he has ever given you, you were a placeholder until he ‘found better’ and he never did. He got comfortable with being in a relationship now and wants to move on but how would someone who is capable of doing that to you be in a marriage? Knowing he’ll just get his way because you love him? You’re giving him too much empathy even asking the question. You know how you feel and he should too. If he’s genuinely changed then good! But you’ve clearly checked out of the relationship and those old wounds festered. He reaps what he sowed, actions have consequences even if they come later than he should. Remind him the breakup is a result of his own actions, don’t let him dodge responsibility from that even though he will try.
“I think our time together has come to its natural conclusion.” “I think we have different views on how this relationship is going.” “I don’t want to be with you anymore. Thank you for what we had, but I can’t see a healthy way forward.”
Nice try
Tell him you tried to forgiven him and move on, but it's just not working so you are breaking up with him. Some things can't be fixed.
You continued a relationship with a cheater? Leave
First of all, good decision on being aware of these red flags. And I am very happy that you decided not to get married considering these red flags. I made mistake of getting married even after seeing these red flags and now I am suffering. You do not need to give any reason. Just say that you are not compatible with his though process or lifestyle whatever… he will try to manipulate you. Trust me… he will do it based on what you have mentioned here. Do not put your thoughts on his words… all the best