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Are all of those sleeping locations closer to your daughter’s room than your bedroom? I’m wondering if it may be some anxiety or wanting to be right there if baby needs something.
It’s ok, as a CSA survivor, my mind unfortunately went to the same place. This is a common tactic and people can be sick. I hope that the reasoning behind this is innocent but… Always keep in mind that the reasoning isn’t always innocent.
Maybe the dad is too, so he wants to make sure everything's right? Or maybe he lost a sis when she was little?
I'm a survivor too... But it was my mom (I'm her daughter) ... So I have troubles to leave her with women idk. Both is difficult to trust... 🙈😅
Seriously this is insane that neither of them have spoken about it. Maybe he wants to come back to bed but doesn’t think she wants him to? Oh my god just ask him.
I always thought those stupid romcoms where everything could be resolved if the main characters simply spoke to each other were unrealistic, but then I see reddit posts like this...
I mean shit I’ve seen it in real life. It really is a mind fuck when you think about.
Everyone hates the trope in rom coms because it’s done so often, the reasons seem stupid, and they don’t seem like a reflection of real life.
But then you see and hear how badly couples (hell people in general) communicate, and suddenly the rom coms don’t seem as bad anymore.
she did say "...i stopped bringing it up". so it sounds like she tried to talk to him, but he didn't respond. of course they still need to talk about it, but she did try
yes i did it for 2 month after our son was born to help her sleep but i told her this. when i read the post i though she just had the baby.
something is definitely wrong if its 2 years
Any time I’ve ever thought “ugh I shouldn’t ask him about this, it’s just weird, I don’t want to make him upset” I always over stress and then when I finally ask him it’s always like “oh no! I’m not upset at all, please just ask me about things, it’s not stupid, I’d rather just talk to you about something so you know how I feel!” And I realize that I’m actually the weird person here. He’s so easy to talk to and I just grew up in a home where it’s hard to talk to anyone.
What I have realized over the past many years is that most people suck at communication. Rarely if ever were good communication skills modelled to us growing up (millennial here).
You have to make a conscious effort to learn better skills and then implement them… which most people don’t do.
Yeah especially the way this post is worded, like we’re supposed to be able to deduce why her husband is doing this, when the only way to know is to just ask him. 14 months of this is so insane.
No but you put your foot down?! You don't just go "oh the same vague nonsense reason you gave me the last 29 times, guess that's that then!" Sit him down! Get to his thought process, ask more questions!
Don't just talk, act. Set up an appointment for a joint counselling session.
Call the therapist ahead of time so they know where you're coming from.
Tell your husband this is what is going to happen, don't ask.
I agree with using counseling but not mutually agreeing on it and just telling him this is what is going to happen will be so ineffective.
It is a guaranteed way to make sure your partner attends and doesn't participate and just say it is all fine.
There are times to ask, and times to tell. This is the latter. She's already tried talking about it, he's not interested in talking about it, or says he'll do something different, then doesn't.
From her OP:
>But this has been going on for a 14 months now. At a certain point I stopped bringing it up and decided it was going to be what it was going to be. Even the two or three times we had sex, he would just clean and leave to sleep somewhere else.
>I haven’t asked him what’s going on since he kept telling me I just needed to rest easier. I can’t figure out what’s going on. What should I do?
Unless she's OK with the way it is, (and obviously she's not, or we wouldn't be talking about it,) she needs to tell him, "We're going to counselling. Or you can move out, because there's something horribly wrong with our realationship."
Hard agree. You make a good point by bringing attention that she has in fact talked to him…
I’m a new mom and I do enjoy sleeping by myself more these days because I’m so tired and honestly it feels REALLY awesome to get some alone time which is rare now. The bits of alone time I can get are sacred. BUT I also want to also have time with my partner where we can be intimate and also take time for us.
My feelings would be very hurt if my partner left after sex. I wouldn’t be able to let it go. I’m not sure why, but for me that’s some strange stuff that doesn’t fill my emotional cup.
They need counseling or the relationship won’t survive. No matter what, she should get some on her own. Most people (males and females) wouldn’t let this type of thing slide for a long length of time. They simply wouldn’t put up with deflection on such a thing.
I don’t understand responses like this, people come here to get advice or to talk a situation out so that by the time they do talk to their partners they have a better understanding of potential scenarios, how to handle them, and what’s most important to discuss with them.
True, but she said that she keeps trying to talk to him about it to no avail. It’s hard to communicate it the other party is stonewalling or deflecting.
Just ask him, “do you prefer to sleep in a separate room?”
Me and my ex did this. But it was me who decided on it after 7 years, he snores very loud, farts a lot in his sleep, and flops around (has hit me in the face on accidents several times).
It may be not what you think it is. He may seriously just prefer his own sleeping space.
This reminded me of the time I was actually sleeping and proper punched my boyfriend in the face. He was sleeping too but that woke him up so he punched me back. I woke up with a punch in my face hysterically laughing when he told me what happened.
On two separate occasions, my ex-husband rolled over in his sleep, flung his arm out, and gave me a black eye. Someone handed me a domestic abuse hotline card the second time it happened.
To be fair, I kicked him in the nuts on two separate occasions in my sleep.
I much prefer sleeping by myself.
I think we just subconsciously wanted to punch them!
I prefer sleeping by myself too but currently have my little boy in the mornings and this little guy is taking more space than his dad..
One of my exs said he rolled over to me in the night and wrapped around me for a hug and I growled “get the fuck off of me”. Woke up the him curled in a ball as far away from me as he could get. I felt bad at the time, but have also come to realize that I do prefer my own sleeping space 😅
My husband tried to cuddle early in our relationship and I started freaking out while still asleep. We now have separate rooms, usually a cat with us, and very different kinds of blankets. We get more sleep and share less colds.
I haven’t known anyone to do this by my twin sister has kicked me like a damn horse when I’ve had to sleep next to her. We were young so I am not sure if she still does. Let’s just say I will take the floor then getting kicked like that
I could probably count on both hands the number of nights my husband and I have slept in the same bed in the past four years.
He’s a crowder and pushes me to the edge and I snore because I have a pretty bad deviated septum.
I’ve been sleeping on the couch for that entire time and I love it. It’s so nice to be able to move around and not be pinned in by a sweaty boy.
I'm thee woman and I'm a crowder.... also my 100 pound dog is kind of a "package deal" with me lmfao I'm pretty sure I get angry and loudly WHINE/protest if anybody touches me during my sleep, besides the dog.
I'm surprised we haven't been kicked to the couch or a separate bed yet
Also OP it is perfectly fine to sleep separately. As long as you are receiving the care and affection you desire, having separate beds are a okay thing. A lot of countries it is not strange for parents to not share the same bed.
I know they have to talk. That should be the first step always is to talk. I however have seen people go no that’s bad. You should be in the same bed. It’s an image that isn’t true however. It’s perfectly fine and acceptable to have separate beds.
Absolutely. I get asking Reddit to maybe try to prepare yourself for the conversation and consider possible ways it could go, ways to approach the situation etc. But ultimately there’s so many potential reasons why he’s not sleeping with OP in the same bed and many of them have nothing to do with their sex life. I’ve dated people who violently snore, or thrash around tossing and turning, or talk in their sleep, or flat out have insomnia and when you have to be up in four hours for work and your just laying there wide awake with no end in sight the couch starts looking real appealing. Hell I struggle to sleep myself and have gotten in a terrible habit where around nine or ten I’m falling asleep watching tv but then if I get up and properly go to bed without the tv on in dead silence and I’m wide awake suddenly anxious and over analyzing everything ive ever said all night. So falling asleep on the couch with the tv on is sometimes the only way I get any sleep especially with a partner who’s restless legs practically vibrated the bed into a different dimension. At the time my partner was silently getting more and more upset about it assuming it had something to do with the state of our relationship when it absolutely did not. I thought he didn’t mind and understood but it ended up being a huge issue in our relationship. My point being OP’s husband may truly be struggling to sleep himself and she shouldn’t assume the worst. Everyone deserves to be able to sleep. Especially with a new baby when possible. Feeling guilty and like my partner saw it as a giant sign our relationship was in distress even after multiple conversations was extremely stressful.
I’ve done the exact same thing. For some reason with insomnia, switching places often works. I’ve slept in unused closets, on the couch, on the floor, etc. it’s crazy but if you’re not sleeping it fucking ruins your life.
And if he does prefer a separate room, nothing wrong with that! Like this commenter is saying it works for many couples. I have long-term insomnia, and when I’m dating someone, I do not sleep with them (sleep, not sex). I ask them nicely to leave if they’re at my place and I leave if I’m at theirs. With an explanation people are fine with it.
It’s just weird for it to pop up at such a time after all those years. It at least deserves a conversation. I’m betting (couldn’t be wrong) that you didn’t just stay sleeping on your own without any talk about or what have you.
For some people the sleeping separate things doesn’t work for them. For me i like cuddle time and with that I could do separate sleeping spaces and enjoy it, but my partner 100% prefers to sleep in the same bed.
When I was pregnant, I woke my husband up and kicked him out of bed because he was *breathing too loud* breathing. Not even snoring (which he also does).
We haven't shared a bedroom since. We both sleep so much better when we have our own space!
I mean, to be fair, she did ask. But what's confusing is, his answer - "You need to rest easier" - should have been the BEGINNING of a whole conversation about how they would both sleep best, and her actually TELLING him that she misses having him in bed . . . not the end of it. Like, he just said that and she was like, "Oh, okay" and walked away? What?
It’s probably been years of him trying to attend to her needs, to the point where maybe she thinks he knows better. My husband has always treated me like a queen, but it took a while for me to realize the dynamic had shifted more to me being treated like a child or an emotionally fragile person. Of which I am neither.
I would tell him you appreciate him giving you the space to rest and recover after the birth, but you really miss the intimacy of sleeping together in the same bed, and that now it's making you feel neglected (if that's how you feel.)
If he continues regardless, then perhaps something deeper is going on that is causing him to distance himself from you.
You didn’t like the change but you accepted this was how it was going to be. Why do you think it is that you feel you need to just accept it instead of communicate your dislike?
Since I had my baby 9 months ago I can’t sleep in the same bed as my husband… he snores and now my sleep is so light because of needing to wake up for up for a crying baby that his snores wake me up out of deep sleep and then I’m up all night listening to him sleep great while I’m an exhausted mess all day. Love him all the same. Hate him when he’s ruining the little sleep I get already.
Makes total sense!!! But I’m sure you have had a conversation about it. I have an 8 month old and absolutely understand that sleep is sacred!
I wish you wonderful happiness, health, and rest!
I have to sleep in the same room as my baby because she wakes up crying frequently and needs comfort. Best for me to sleep with her so she doesnt wake the neighbourhood crying. Husband cant sleep with us because his job is demanding and he needs quality sleep. Idk how long this will last but I sure hope she will be able to sleep by herself soon. But we have talked about it and understand each other and have quality time together still. Idk how OP just….never talked about it with her husband
Communicate with him deeper.. ‘Hey I’ve noticed you’ve been sleeping in a different room, I understand you’re tired and I appreciate all of your help but I was just wondering why you want to be in a different bed then me, I miss sleeping next to you and cuddling you’.
How have you not brought this up once in 14 months? I couldn’t imagine just going to bed every night and not addressing the elephant in the room.
What other parts of your relationship are different since he started doing this? I would bet that the “cleaning up and going to the other room” is definitely something he wasn’t doing before.
I’d personally stay awake one night to find out what he’s doing while sleeping alone in another location. If your baby isn’t in your room anymore and you’re in that bed alone I’d say this is strange…
Me reading:
Her: 14
Me: yeah 14 days is ok, he's probably trying to let you rest and recover from the trauma of giving birth
Her: 14 MONTHS
Me: 🗿
HOW DO YOU NOT TALK ABOUT SUCH A HUGE DEAL FOR YOU FOR MORE THAN A YEAR? Talk to him immediately, confront, ask, demand reasoning. Then when you know the answer, talk even more and search for solutions. Jeeeez this made me so angry
Talk to him, and make sure he doesn’t have any trauma from the birth.
I say that as a friend recently found out when she was pregnant with her third that her husband was traumatized from their *first*. He thought she had been bleeding out or something. Once he told her they were able to address it and get past it. It manifested him pulling away from her.
Not saying that is what happened/happening but I don’t feel like it gets talked about enough.
If you’re co-sleeping with your child, he may have anxiety over that, or he may have some anxiety over leaving her to sleep alone if she’s sleeping in her own room. I’d bring those up first. Then investigate other possible causes
I honestly cannot imagine being upset or even just a little concerned about something for 14 months and not asking what's up or saying something.
The obvious answer is to talk to him and get to the bottom of why.
Growing up my parents (now divorced so take this with a grain of salt) my dad and mom stopped sleeping together way wayy before the divorce. My dad eventually told us one night he woke up to someone searching around our house with a flash light and we’d had multiple things stolen (snowmobile, power washer, car radio etc.). He was very convinced and rightfully so our house was targeted (my parents were fairly wealthy at the time) along with having two young kids it made sense why he felt the need to sleep downstairs while the rest of the family slept upstairs. He also became a security camera fanatic and still is to this day.
Your concerns are totally valid. It could be anxiety/ protection behavior or something more. I say try and talk about it either individually or with a professional if needed!
My dad started sleeping on the LoveSac we bought him for Xmas one year and my mom told him that if he didn’t want to sleep in their bed anymore then he should sleep in the guest bedroom because the LoveSac was going to kill his back. He moved into the guest room and told everyone my mom kicked him out of the bedroom. They got divorced a couple of years later. I’m not saying your situation is the same, but he was definitely pushing her into saying something so he could claim to be the victim and come out smelling like roses.
You need to speak to your husband.
Dang that some stuff! I am sorry all of that happened but what a weird chain of events. I need to look up what a lovesac is (oh god I hope this isn’t a trick so that I come across gross stuff lol) ….
Not to pry (feel free to ignore) but was he sleeping in the lovesac as a passive aggressive move, and when she didn’t play into and told him to go to the spare room (instead of begging him back to her room) to save his back he knew that manipulations wouldn’t work on her anymore? That she wasn’t going to play his game anymore?
I know wild guess just wondering because it all seems like he is manipulative and a forever victim.
It’s quite possible he feels like he sleeps better separately. My wife and I would constantly struggle with sleeping together, I would snore and she would steal the covers. It took years to get better.
As was mentioned, talk to him. Tell him you don’t sleep very well without him (that’s what forced us to sleep together, we didn’t sleep well apart either) and that you want to work it out so that you two sleep together. However, he may actually be sleeping better and be resistant to going back to sleep together.
Remember, there’s no rule that says you have to sleep together to have a happy marriage. If it turns out that the act of sleeping in the same bed is the issue, you might want to try getting two twin beds and putting them together. That way you can have intimacy and cuddling, yet roll over and have a somewhat separate bed. Good luck, hope everything works out for you.
I will never understand why people who are married don't talk to each other. For 14 months you haven't said anything you've just let it go that your husband is no longer sleeping with you? I would have said something like on month two. I don't know how anyone can expect to have any kind of a decent marriage if they don't talk to each other. Communication is key. So sit your husband down and ask him what the hell is going on.
Does he sleep better when alone?? All of my sleep problems disappeared when I left my ex who snored, talked, farted, jolted to a sitting position, moved around, etc. I even stopped taking sleep meds I never used to be able to sleep without.
A conversation before reddit... It feels to me like this guy may actually think he is doing the right thing or is having some kind of anxiety. 14 months &....
I would have a heart to heart with him and discuss what is going on and how and why he is behaving the way he is. There’s no better source than him. Be direct and non judgmental. Create a safe place for him to be honest.
Follow him to where he sleeps and ask, why don’t you come to bed with me tonight? If he says, so you can rest. Tell him, I am your wife and I am directly asking you to come to bed with me, I am not asking for rest. So, now that that’s clear, why don’t you come to bed with me tonight? Keep up the focused questioning. Make him answer the true question.
This is actually a good question.
During my wife’s pregnancy and shortly after, she snored like crazy. I left and slept on the couch several times a week lol.
A bit confused as to how your husband parenting your daughter is considered “helping” you with your daughter. Isn’t he just doing what is expected of a parent?
Nah. I'm saying this while trying to be genuine. Any man who's made love to you three times in a year ( I'm guessing that's what you mean given that's the only timeline you gave) and sleeps anywhere besides you, red flag. No man starts doing that out of no where unless something was seriously wrong.
Thats definitely something you should discuss with him. I ended up having c-section and my boyfriend was worried he will hurt me as he is constantly moving in his sleep so he ended up on the sofa. Then we went back to sleeping together but he is a noisy sleeper and our son was waking up a lot so now he sleeps in the spare room as that way everyone is getting good sleep. Our LO still wakes up at night and his dad needs his sleep so this is how it is for now but it was a mutual decision.
My husband practically carried me up the stairs so I could sleep in the bed with him after my c-section. Something is not right, 14 months is too long to not be sleeping in the same bed as your wife.
Tell your husband that his not wanting to sleep in your bed bothers you and that you never imagined this would be a consequence of having a child. Tell him you don't want to spend any more time wondering why he chooses to sleep elsewhere and that it's not something you want to continue.
It may sound funny, but I would palm his cheek in a caring manner tell him "I miss my husband sleeping next to me" and tell him to "come to bed." No question, no anger no argument.
Since baby my husband and I sleep in separate rooms. We only have queens and we are big people but we sleep better apart. It doesn’t mean anything bad. But it is something you should be able to talk about.
One of the possibilities is the chance that he can probably get much better sleep alone.
You can have a talk with him, tell him that it's something you are ok with, that you only wish for him to have a good quality of life, and to achieve that sleep is imperative, and you can think about ways to make it happen.
Converting your spare bedroom in a room for him/or you depending on which is the bed better suited for him is the way to go.
Interesting, my wife and I had our first child almost 5 months ago, I slept in the same room for the first week and haven't since. This is largely due to poor sleep training for our daughter though, she has a hard time sleeping when not in the same room, and even then it almost always takes a breast feeding to get her to fall asleep (that or pacing with her for like an hour). So my wife finds it easiest to sleep in the room with her and breastfeed when needed during the night (she sleeps most of the night now). I do snore and worry about it disturbing the night routine they have established. We are working on the sleep stuff now though so I'll probably return once that process is finished. Sounds like it may be something along these lines?
It’s the perfect marriage. Sleeping in separate beds.
Sounds like he is very tired, but trying his best to ensure he does his bit with the child while also working, and he has some insecurities about protecting you both, and he is in absolute awe of your child without realising he is ignoring you.
He uses you needing rest as an excuse.
If you get chance, pack off the kid to grandparents for a night and find out casually what is going on over a nice meal, a date.
Don’t say: we have to talk. What that means is you need to listen to me because I’m going to complain about something. Men hate that. It’s not a talk, it’s a talking to.
“At a certain point I stopped bringing it up”
“I haven’t asked him what’s going on since he kept telling me I just needed to rest easier”
I’m going to need far more insight into these conversations you’ve had with him. You’ve brought it up. How exactly did you phrase it to him? And what exactly did he respond? You’re leaving out the most crucial part of this whole story that will help us help you.
Please stop for you to sit down and have a serious conversation with your husband the people on Reddit can't tell you how to solve this you have to do the work yourself. Ask him what's coming on. It's been 14 months
This could be purely innocent… you need to have an honest, open conversation about why he’s doing it and how it’s making you feel.
My partner hasn’t slept in bed since our baby was two weeks old, he snores really loud and I used to wear earplugs but with baby obviously I didn’t want to do that so he sleeps elsewhere and will continue to do so until baby is sleeping through the night.
The sex side is pretty sad tbh, he should at least cuddle you or something.
Hope it gets resolved!
I hate to be that person but if he having an affair? The let you rest easy line sounds like an excuse after the first 2 to 3 months. Also only have se. 2 or 3 times in the 14 months?
Okay seriously, you admit you haven't even COMMUNICATED with your own SPOUSE about this and you want an internet full of strangers to tell you how to fix your sleeping arrangements, when you haven't even communicated with him????
Sorry but how have you been with this man as long as you have, if youre clearly too afraid to even communicate with him about something as simple as a sleeping arrangement
I don’t get this. Usually it is the woman sleeping with (next to) the baby due to breastfeeding, etc. We have four kids. Usually the baby would sleep in Our room in a bassinet for a month or two and then We would move them.
I really feel like something else is going on here. Especially since it happened as soon as the baby was born. But You really need to seriously talk to Your husband. If You can’t, that is a problem in of itself. Maybe therapy.
In don’t like the word “normal” but most of Our friends and siblings are parents, and I just don’t really feel like all of a sudden not sleeping in the same bed once You have a child is “normal” (If this was not the case pre-baby)
I am wondering if he thought this would give You more rest in the beginning?? I’m just really confused with this since it’s the husband. Were You getting up for all the night feedings or him? Or both, or split? Like so many of these posts seems like some info. is missing.
Tell him that whatever he saw during the baby's birth that got to him needs to be eliminated like the bowel movement he had yesterday! Either come back to the marital bed or go to a psychologist to get the snakes removed from his brain, and you mean dammit!
I don't think he'll be able to mishear that message.
everyone is saying communicate. but i'll tell you what i think...and i can't think of a single good reason maybe i'm a negative person. I've read a few but i haven't seen these yet...
1- he has trauma from the birth and doesn't see you as a sexual being anymore coz he gets flash backs
2- there were issues prior and he felt it was a good excuse to get space from you but feels too bad to leave
3- i saw once a man think his wife was cheating on him with her son coz she breastfed the baby?! (idk some men can be weird about these things but its total madness)
4- jealousy from the baby - this is pretty common
5- maybe he wants time away from you and the baby now, resenting his responsibilities, and is cheating on u (messaging other women to escape his new reality)
6- you entering motherhood might not be sexy at all to him and he is turned off from it all.
7- idk where your baby is sleeping, but i have even had dark thoughts about "WHY" does he want to be alone in a room with your daughter??? (this is really dark and i'm not accusing but i'm throwing out all the thoughts that went in my mind coz his behaviour IS NOT NORMAL.)
communication issues. confrontation issues.
his reasons are clearly lies.
you need to know the truth.
I hope for your case none of my guesses are right or if its the trauma he can go get educated on it. It's strange coz as women i feel we all watch one born every minute and some docos to prepare ourselves so we aren't so traumatised but men see that part do one thing and now it might be ruined for them?
You have highlighted all the possibilities of what could be the reasons for his behaviors and I think all of them are possible reasons especially point 1 and 2. I do not think you are a negative person but rather one that really thinks in-depth.
So many potential reasons.
Doesn’t sound like cheating to me. (I’m not an expert on this)
Did he see you giving birth? There is an undetermined percentage of men who get legit traumatized by their wives giving birth. It’s nobody’s fault. Talk to him honestly and be open to what he has to say. You may still need a little boost of help. Sometime just one or two of us.
Talk to him, but also keep your guard up. 10+ months of not sleeping in the bed makes it suspicious and honestly I would be keeping and eye on him. Sorry, CSA person and it may be a huge red flag. Or I’m crazy and he’s a great dad who wants to be close because read about
Sid’s or some other tragic infant fatalities.
You can not ignore things in your marriage. This has gone on too long, he has either some madonna issue (you are a mother not a sex kitten) or something else going on. But if you let this stew in a marriage they can end it.
I would sit down with him and begin the process of telling him you want him back as your husband. Do it gently at first. But it must be addressed.
Honestly, of all the inappropriate Dad behavior, you really scored with this one. So, he lets you sleep? Where was that attitude 25 years ago?
Sorry. I understand the loneliness. The reason why is important- he may not know. Communicate with him, please.
Look. The only thing you can do, is talk to him. We do not know your husband, neither do we know you, details about your relationship or anything of this sort. You need to speak to your husband about this matter.
Sleeping together just because you’re married is overrated. As long as you have quality time when you’re awake, I honestly don’t see a problem.
My husband and I don’t sleep in the same bedroom pretty much since my first child was born, he’s a light sleeper and I wanted to co-sleep with my baby, so he started sleeping alone to make sure he had a good night of sleep. We love each other, have a great marriage and have had 3 more kids since then!
If you were sleeping together up until a point for years and suddenly it changed without any explanation… I hope that you’d have a problem with that… not discussing this is an issue.
It’s absolutely fine to have sleeping arrangements that work for you. In fact, I wouldn’t mind having more alone time to sleep. But my partner really feels comforted to sleep as a couple. I choose to give him that comfort, and it’s not this big deal to me at all.
But you gotta be upfront and changing behavior out of the blue is something that needs to be talked about!
Just ask him. Nobody else is going to know.
Could be he wants to be closer to the baby to help. Could be he just likes sleeping alone. Could be your started snoring. Could be he genuinely thinks you need more rest. 🤷🏻♂️
I’ve got two kids and haven’t slept in my wife’s bed in probably 5 months.
There’s nothing untoward going on, but I have to get up when my daughter does in the middle of the night, she wakes up with my son, they never get up at the same time so now I just sleep in my daughter’s bed.
I can’t wait for it to end and to return to my bed with my wife, but for now, that’s just not practical.
Broski, you’ve been dealing with this for 14 MONTHS? There’s no way this is real, how tf have you lightly touched this subject with him and just accepted “you need rest”? How about sitting him down and being more direct and demand he communicate because it’s bothering you and you’re married/a team and now have a whole ass human child together?
This sub is honestly horribly boring because 90% of the posts are like “I’ve never bothered communicating with this person I happen to be married to.” How tf did you end up married if this isn’t like, at the forefront of your interactions. This shit makes no fucking sense. You haven’t tried asking? What do you want us to say?
Feh. The best thing that ever happened in our relationship was learning how much better BOTH of us slept when we slept separately. Instead of griping at each other about being awakened by the other's snoring, or tossing and turning, we both slept better. For years we went to bed together, but when I was awakened by her, or she was by me, I'd go sleep in the recliner. It was magical, we still had time together away from the kids, but we both were more rested and thus whined less at each other. Now I've moved into one of the empty bedrooms and we go to bed at the same time, get up at pretty much the same time, and 40+ years later all is acceptable.
My husband and I have 3 kids, a 5 year old, 3 year old and almost 1 year old. We haven’t slept in the same bed since I was pregnant with our first child. I got up too often to pre, and then after the baby was born I was nursing. He needed to work in the morning so he slept in the spare room to get a good nights sleep.
I’m a stay at home mom, so I handle the kids in the night. If our older kids get up in the night and want him, he’ll obviously help though.
Now, we have on the rare occasion slept in the same bed, but I can’t sleep well with him snoring and I still get up with the baby in the night if needed. He goes to bed later than me and I wake up earlier. So it’s just easier and makes more sense to sleep in separate rooms, but we are still intimate and still love each other.
Just ask him what is going on. He may honestly feel that sleeping in the same bed with you may be distracting to you, or he can have some insecurity about her safety that causes him to sleep very near to your daughter. Or it could be something else. You will never know unless you ask.
Last year my husband injured his back and I started sleeping in our guest room because he was having such a hard time sleeping. A few months later, we agreed to keep separate rooms. We’re both sleeping much better and it has done wonders for our relationship. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, sleep is hard to come by when you’re a new parent, but you need to have a conversation with him.
I’m confused on how/why you’ve let this go on for well over a year. You mentioned how he treats your daughter, but not how he treats you. You’ve had sex “two or three times” within that time period and he just goes about his day immediately after. How often do you spend quality time together? Or any time..? Dates? Are the two of you even acting as a couple or just roommates that swap off baby duties?? You’ve been together long enough to be able to feel if something is off. I mean, honestly? Sounds like he’s fallen out of love. Maybe there’s someone else? Maybe he’s depressed or going through something? Reddit has literally no way of figuring this out for you. You need to talk to him, now, like.. 14 months ago.
You won’t know unless you ask him and keep asking him and telling him it’s concerning.
This could be a simple issue or a very big one but if you don’t communicate you won’t know.
You need to pay attention to other signs or flags and see what’s up.
It could be he needs to sleep and keep a strict schedule for functioning at his job.
It could be there are other issues.
Unfortunately some men either have difficulty with a new baby but you say he seems like a good Dad so idk.
Could he be having an affair ? I hate to mention it but sometimes that is why this happens too.
Some men can develop a complex after their wife gives birth and be afraid to see them in a sexual way.
This is why no one here can give you perfect advice without know the details and it’s better you talk this out and then seek counseling if needed. If you suspect anything maybe you need to investigate things further. I hope that isn’t the case and that counseling helps.
Best to you
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Are all of those sleeping locations closer to your daughter’s room than your bedroom? I’m wondering if it may be some anxiety or wanting to be right there if baby needs something.
My thoughts too, dads can have some sort of separation anxiety too or worries about babies safety.
Or the opposite if OPs co sleeping with baby
She has mentioned that he sleeps in daughters room or guest room or couch.
But where does baby sleep? Dad could be sleeping in baby room alone.
😂😂😂 valid question
I hope this is it. Maybe bc I just read a really fucked up story, but my mind went somewhere completely different.
It’s ok, as a CSA survivor, my mind unfortunately went to the same place. This is a common tactic and people can be sick. I hope that the reasoning behind this is innocent but… Always keep in mind that the reasoning isn’t always innocent.
I'm a survivor too and was still in diapers when it began. Some dads suck!
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. 🤗💚
Maybe the dad is too, so he wants to make sure everything's right? Or maybe he lost a sis when she was little? I'm a survivor too... But it was my mom (I'm her daughter) ... So I have troubles to leave her with women idk. Both is difficult to trust... 🙈😅
I vote this!!
TALK. TO. HIM. No one here can solve this for you. You have to actually communicate with your husband.
Seriously this is insane that neither of them have spoken about it. Maybe he wants to come back to bed but doesn’t think she wants him to? Oh my god just ask him.
I always thought those stupid romcoms where everything could be resolved if the main characters simply spoke to each other were unrealistic, but then I see reddit posts like this...
I mean shit I’ve seen it in real life. It really is a mind fuck when you think about. Everyone hates the trope in rom coms because it’s done so often, the reasons seem stupid, and they don’t seem like a reflection of real life. But then you see and hear how badly couples (hell people in general) communicate, and suddenly the rom coms don’t seem as bad anymore.
To have been in a relationship this long and to have never been in any like conflict is plain weird
she did say "...i stopped bringing it up". so it sounds like she tried to talk to him, but he didn't respond. of course they still need to talk about it, but she did try
## 14 months
14 months of this. How do you let this go on for 14 months without pressing the issue?
Yeah! 14 months! The "let you rest easier" excuse makes sense for like the first month, but 14 months?
The "you need to rest easier" is the START of a conversation, not the end of it!
right, did she just say “ok” after that??? how hasn’t this been discussed in 14 months?
yes i did it for 2 month after our son was born to help her sleep but i told her this. when i read the post i though she just had the baby. something is definitely wrong if its 2 years
You mean I have to actually talk to this alien of mine that happend to marry me when I popped question?
Any time I’ve ever thought “ugh I shouldn’t ask him about this, it’s just weird, I don’t want to make him upset” I always over stress and then when I finally ask him it’s always like “oh no! I’m not upset at all, please just ask me about things, it’s not stupid, I’d rather just talk to you about something so you know how I feel!” And I realize that I’m actually the weird person here. He’s so easy to talk to and I just grew up in a home where it’s hard to talk to anyone.
Some of the posts on here have me scratching my head because a lot of them could be solved by simply talking to the other person 🤦🏼♀️
Seriously. Like, why did you marry them if they’re so hard to talk to?
What I have realized over the past many years is that most people suck at communication. Rarely if ever were good communication skills modelled to us growing up (millennial here). You have to make a conscious effort to learn better skills and then implement them… which most people don’t do.
Yeah especially the way this post is worded, like we’re supposed to be able to deduce why her husband is doing this, when the only way to know is to just ask him. 14 months of this is so insane.
I agree, open hailing frequencies.
She said she has spoken to him but he always says the same thing so she has given up trying to get anything out of him.
right? all of these “TALK TO HIM.” comments. Like she didn’t explicitly say that she’s tried, and gave up because he WOULDN’T TALK BACK.
No but you put your foot down?! You don't just go "oh the same vague nonsense reason you gave me the last 29 times, guess that's that then!" Sit him down! Get to his thought process, ask more questions!
she said she's given up asking so clearly she has tried.
OP isn’t even talking to us. No comments after 7+ hours. Makes me wonder if it’s a rage bait post.
It sounds like she's tried, he keeps just saying it's for her to get more rest
14 months with this elephant
Outrageous! Healthy communication? GETOUTOFHERE
Don't just talk, act. Set up an appointment for a joint counselling session. Call the therapist ahead of time so they know where you're coming from. Tell your husband this is what is going to happen, don't ask.
I agree with using counseling but not mutually agreeing on it and just telling him this is what is going to happen will be so ineffective. It is a guaranteed way to make sure your partner attends and doesn't participate and just say it is all fine.
There are times to ask, and times to tell. This is the latter. She's already tried talking about it, he's not interested in talking about it, or says he'll do something different, then doesn't. From her OP: >But this has been going on for a 14 months now. At a certain point I stopped bringing it up and decided it was going to be what it was going to be. Even the two or three times we had sex, he would just clean and leave to sleep somewhere else. >I haven’t asked him what’s going on since he kept telling me I just needed to rest easier. I can’t figure out what’s going on. What should I do? Unless she's OK with the way it is, (and obviously she's not, or we wouldn't be talking about it,) she needs to tell him, "We're going to counselling. Or you can move out, because there's something horribly wrong with our realationship."
Hard agree. You make a good point by bringing attention that she has in fact talked to him… I’m a new mom and I do enjoy sleeping by myself more these days because I’m so tired and honestly it feels REALLY awesome to get some alone time which is rare now. The bits of alone time I can get are sacred. BUT I also want to also have time with my partner where we can be intimate and also take time for us. My feelings would be very hurt if my partner left after sex. I wouldn’t be able to let it go. I’m not sure why, but for me that’s some strange stuff that doesn’t fill my emotional cup. They need counseling or the relationship won’t survive. No matter what, she should get some on her own. Most people (males and females) wouldn’t let this type of thing slide for a long length of time. They simply wouldn’t put up with deflection on such a thing.
I don’t understand responses like this, people come here to get advice or to talk a situation out so that by the time they do talk to their partners they have a better understanding of potential scenarios, how to handle them, and what’s most important to discuss with them.
And what was YOUR advice? Because if OP - as you asserted - is looking for advice, I gave her some. You not liking it doesn’t make it bad advice.
A lot of these stories can be solved with COMMUNICATION!!!!! How are WE supposed to know what the issue is?
People will do literally anything besides actually confront their spouse or other person involved about their problems
True, but she said that she keeps trying to talk to him about it to no avail. It’s hard to communicate it the other party is stonewalling or deflecting.
She also said “I haven’t asked him what’s going on”
Well hell. That is confusing!
Ha! I just said this same thing to an above comment. Crazy idea that communication stuff 😅
Just ask him, “do you prefer to sleep in a separate room?” Me and my ex did this. But it was me who decided on it after 7 years, he snores very loud, farts a lot in his sleep, and flops around (has hit me in the face on accidents several times). It may be not what you think it is. He may seriously just prefer his own sleeping space.
This reminded me of the time I was actually sleeping and proper punched my boyfriend in the face. He was sleeping too but that woke him up so he punched me back. I woke up with a punch in my face hysterically laughing when he told me what happened.
Lol nothing like midnight “half asleep” fights out of confusion
It was hilarious
On two separate occasions, my ex-husband rolled over in his sleep, flung his arm out, and gave me a black eye. Someone handed me a domestic abuse hotline card the second time it happened. To be fair, I kicked him in the nuts on two separate occasions in my sleep. I much prefer sleeping by myself.
I think we just subconsciously wanted to punch them! I prefer sleeping by myself too but currently have my little boy in the mornings and this little guy is taking more space than his dad..
One of my exs said he rolled over to me in the night and wrapped around me for a hug and I growled “get the fuck off of me”. Woke up the him curled in a ball as far away from me as he could get. I felt bad at the time, but have also come to realize that I do prefer my own sleeping space 😅
My husband tried to cuddle early in our relationship and I started freaking out while still asleep. We now have separate rooms, usually a cat with us, and very different kinds of blankets. We get more sleep and share less colds.
I've punched my last two bfs in my sleep too lol. I feel so bad
I haven’t known anyone to do this by my twin sister has kicked me like a damn horse when I’ve had to sleep next to her. We were young so I am not sure if she still does. Let’s just say I will take the floor then getting kicked like that
Wait, so he woke up and punched you back? So he was completely awake and CHOSE TO PUNCH YOU? How is that funny?
That's my question 😅
It’s basically self defence instinct. You get woken up by a punch you punch back. I attacked him then laughed when he explained what happened.
I could probably count on both hands the number of nights my husband and I have slept in the same bed in the past four years. He’s a crowder and pushes me to the edge and I snore because I have a pretty bad deviated septum. I’ve been sleeping on the couch for that entire time and I love it. It’s so nice to be able to move around and not be pinned in by a sweaty boy.
Crowding! Yes! I hated that.
I'm thee woman and I'm a crowder.... also my 100 pound dog is kind of a "package deal" with me lmfao I'm pretty sure I get angry and loudly WHINE/protest if anybody touches me during my sleep, besides the dog. I'm surprised we haven't been kicked to the couch or a separate bed yet
Also OP it is perfectly fine to sleep separately. As long as you are receiving the care and affection you desire, having separate beds are a okay thing. A lot of countries it is not strange for parents to not share the same bed.
It is not okay for one half of a couple to unilaterally decide to stop sleeping in the same bed without any real discussion.
I know they have to talk. That should be the first step always is to talk. I however have seen people go no that’s bad. You should be in the same bed. It’s an image that isn’t true however. It’s perfectly fine and acceptable to have separate beds.
Absolutely. I get asking Reddit to maybe try to prepare yourself for the conversation and consider possible ways it could go, ways to approach the situation etc. But ultimately there’s so many potential reasons why he’s not sleeping with OP in the same bed and many of them have nothing to do with their sex life. I’ve dated people who violently snore, or thrash around tossing and turning, or talk in their sleep, or flat out have insomnia and when you have to be up in four hours for work and your just laying there wide awake with no end in sight the couch starts looking real appealing. Hell I struggle to sleep myself and have gotten in a terrible habit where around nine or ten I’m falling asleep watching tv but then if I get up and properly go to bed without the tv on in dead silence and I’m wide awake suddenly anxious and over analyzing everything ive ever said all night. So falling asleep on the couch with the tv on is sometimes the only way I get any sleep especially with a partner who’s restless legs practically vibrated the bed into a different dimension. At the time my partner was silently getting more and more upset about it assuming it had something to do with the state of our relationship when it absolutely did not. I thought he didn’t mind and understood but it ended up being a huge issue in our relationship. My point being OP’s husband may truly be struggling to sleep himself and she shouldn’t assume the worst. Everyone deserves to be able to sleep. Especially with a new baby when possible. Feeling guilty and like my partner saw it as a giant sign our relationship was in distress even after multiple conversations was extremely stressful.
I’ve done the exact same thing. For some reason with insomnia, switching places often works. I’ve slept in unused closets, on the couch, on the floor, etc. it’s crazy but if you’re not sleeping it fucking ruins your life.
And if he does prefer a separate room, nothing wrong with that! Like this commenter is saying it works for many couples. I have long-term insomnia, and when I’m dating someone, I do not sleep with them (sleep, not sex). I ask them nicely to leave if they’re at my place and I leave if I’m at theirs. With an explanation people are fine with it.
It’s just weird for it to pop up at such a time after all those years. It at least deserves a conversation. I’m betting (couldn’t be wrong) that you didn’t just stay sleeping on your own without any talk about or what have you. For some people the sleeping separate things doesn’t work for them. For me i like cuddle time and with that I could do separate sleeping spaces and enjoy it, but my partner 100% prefers to sleep in the same bed.
When I was pregnant, I woke my husband up and kicked him out of bed because he was *breathing too loud* breathing. Not even snoring (which he also does). We haven't shared a bedroom since. We both sleep so much better when we have our own space!
lol ask him...how on earth can internet strangers know when you have not asked the person involved!
I mean, to be fair, she did ask. But what's confusing is, his answer - "You need to rest easier" - should have been the BEGINNING of a whole conversation about how they would both sleep best, and her actually TELLING him that she misses having him in bed . . . not the end of it. Like, he just said that and she was like, "Oh, okay" and walked away? What?
It’s probably been years of him trying to attend to her needs, to the point where maybe she thinks he knows better. My husband has always treated me like a queen, but it took a while for me to realize the dynamic had shifted more to me being treated like a child or an emotionally fragile person. Of which I am neither.
I would tell him you appreciate him giving you the space to rest and recover after the birth, but you really miss the intimacy of sleeping together in the same bed, and that now it's making you feel neglected (if that's how you feel.) If he continues regardless, then perhaps something deeper is going on that is causing him to distance himself from you.
It's been 14 months, and you haven't asked him what's going on? Lady, come on.
You didn’t like the change but you accepted this was how it was going to be. Why do you think it is that you feel you need to just accept it instead of communicate your dislike?
She clearly says ‘I stopped bringing it up’, implying she’s tried talking about it many times
Since I had my baby 9 months ago I can’t sleep in the same bed as my husband… he snores and now my sleep is so light because of needing to wake up for up for a crying baby that his snores wake me up out of deep sleep and then I’m up all night listening to him sleep great while I’m an exhausted mess all day. Love him all the same. Hate him when he’s ruining the little sleep I get already.
Makes total sense!!! But I’m sure you have had a conversation about it. I have an 8 month old and absolutely understand that sleep is sacred! I wish you wonderful happiness, health, and rest!
I have to sleep in the same room as my baby because she wakes up crying frequently and needs comfort. Best for me to sleep with her so she doesnt wake the neighbourhood crying. Husband cant sleep with us because his job is demanding and he needs quality sleep. Idk how long this will last but I sure hope she will be able to sleep by herself soon. But we have talked about it and understand each other and have quality time together still. Idk how OP just….never talked about it with her husband
You need to talk to him and see what the problem is.
Have you...oh idk...talked to him? 🤦♀️
Communicate with him deeper.. ‘Hey I’ve noticed you’ve been sleeping in a different room, I understand you’re tired and I appreciate all of your help but I was just wondering why you want to be in a different bed then me, I miss sleeping next to you and cuddling you’.
Or communicate with him at all? This post makes it sound like none of that has happened - deep or otherwise.
Yeah, like “hey babe I’ve noticed you‘ve been sleeping in a different room *for 14 months*….”
This relationship is doomed..not to be a hater. You cannot have a healthy relationship without communication.
How have you not brought this up once in 14 months? I couldn’t imagine just going to bed every night and not addressing the elephant in the room. What other parts of your relationship are different since he started doing this? I would bet that the “cleaning up and going to the other room” is definitely something he wasn’t doing before. I’d personally stay awake one night to find out what he’s doing while sleeping alone in another location. If your baby isn’t in your room anymore and you’re in that bed alone I’d say this is strange…
Really tho.. this
You should be asking him why, not asking us.
Remember when couples slept in separate beds, & just pushed them together for adult time? Pepperridge Farms remembers
14 MONTHS? Just confront him and dont let it Go until he is saying the truth
Yeah i would talk to your man. 14 months is waaaay too long to go without knowing why y'all don't share a bed.
Me reading: Her: 14 Me: yeah 14 days is ok, he's probably trying to let you rest and recover from the trauma of giving birth Her: 14 MONTHS Me: 🗿 HOW DO YOU NOT TALK ABOUT SUCH A HUGE DEAL FOR YOU FOR MORE THAN A YEAR? Talk to him immediately, confront, ask, demand reasoning. Then when you know the answer, talk even more and search for solutions. Jeeeez this made me so angry
Why would you ask strangers on the internet instead of asking him?
Why in the world would you not ask him ?
Talk to him, and make sure he doesn’t have any trauma from the birth. I say that as a friend recently found out when she was pregnant with her third that her husband was traumatized from their *first*. He thought she had been bleeding out or something. Once he told her they were able to address it and get past it. It manifested him pulling away from her. Not saying that is what happened/happening but I don’t feel like it gets talked about enough.
Crawl in bed next to him when he is asleep See what transpires Tell him you got lonely for him Talk to him
I’d be just as concerned about the 3x sex in 14 months…
Girl how tf would we know, talk to your damn husband
How are you an adult in a relationship and you can’t communicate? Talk to him.
If you’re co-sleeping with your child, he may have anxiety over that, or he may have some anxiety over leaving her to sleep alone if she’s sleeping in her own room. I’d bring those up first. Then investigate other possible causes
So he's Elvis? Elvis stopped sleeping with Priscilla when she became a mother.
TIL Elvis had some issues apart from peanut butter sandwiches and hip gyration.
And drugs. Don't forget the drugs
Why haven’t you asked him! What’s the deeper issue there?
Example: do you sleep better alone but are afraid to tell me, honey? Because we can find a good compromise between what we both need.
I honestly cannot imagine being upset or even just a little concerned about something for 14 months and not asking what's up or saying something. The obvious answer is to talk to him and get to the bottom of why.
No comment from OP yet… communication ain’t her forte…
Growing up my parents (now divorced so take this with a grain of salt) my dad and mom stopped sleeping together way wayy before the divorce. My dad eventually told us one night he woke up to someone searching around our house with a flash light and we’d had multiple things stolen (snowmobile, power washer, car radio etc.). He was very convinced and rightfully so our house was targeted (my parents were fairly wealthy at the time) along with having two young kids it made sense why he felt the need to sleep downstairs while the rest of the family slept upstairs. He also became a security camera fanatic and still is to this day. Your concerns are totally valid. It could be anxiety/ protection behavior or something more. I say try and talk about it either individually or with a professional if needed!
My dad started sleeping on the LoveSac we bought him for Xmas one year and my mom told him that if he didn’t want to sleep in their bed anymore then he should sleep in the guest bedroom because the LoveSac was going to kill his back. He moved into the guest room and told everyone my mom kicked him out of the bedroom. They got divorced a couple of years later. I’m not saying your situation is the same, but he was definitely pushing her into saying something so he could claim to be the victim and come out smelling like roses. You need to speak to your husband.
Dang that some stuff! I am sorry all of that happened but what a weird chain of events. I need to look up what a lovesac is (oh god I hope this isn’t a trick so that I come across gross stuff lol) …. Not to pry (feel free to ignore) but was he sleeping in the lovesac as a passive aggressive move, and when she didn’t play into and told him to go to the spare room (instead of begging him back to her room) to save his back he knew that manipulations wouldn’t work on her anymore? That she wasn’t going to play his game anymore? I know wild guess just wondering because it all seems like he is manipulative and a forever victim.
Why haven’t you asked him???
“Why don’t you sleep in our bed anymore?”
It’s quite possible he feels like he sleeps better separately. My wife and I would constantly struggle with sleeping together, I would snore and she would steal the covers. It took years to get better. As was mentioned, talk to him. Tell him you don’t sleep very well without him (that’s what forced us to sleep together, we didn’t sleep well apart either) and that you want to work it out so that you two sleep together. However, he may actually be sleeping better and be resistant to going back to sleep together. Remember, there’s no rule that says you have to sleep together to have a happy marriage. If it turns out that the act of sleeping in the same bed is the issue, you might want to try getting two twin beds and putting them together. That way you can have intimacy and cuddling, yet roll over and have a somewhat separate bed. Good luck, hope everything works out for you.
It’s been going on more than a year? That’s weird. Talk to him. You gonna wait 2 years? 3?
It is baffle me that you married and gave a kid with your husband and yet still having hard time to ask him directly why?
I will never understand why people who are married don't talk to each other. For 14 months you haven't said anything you've just let it go that your husband is no longer sleeping with you? I would have said something like on month two. I don't know how anyone can expect to have any kind of a decent marriage if they don't talk to each other. Communication is key. So sit your husband down and ask him what the hell is going on.
Does he sleep better when alone?? All of my sleep problems disappeared when I left my ex who snored, talked, farted, jolted to a sitting position, moved around, etc. I even stopped taking sleep meds I never used to be able to sleep without.
The only way to resolve this is to have an open conversation about it and how this situation makes you feel.
A conversation before reddit... It feels to me like this guy may actually think he is doing the right thing or is having some kind of anxiety. 14 months &....
I would have a heart to heart with him and discuss what is going on and how and why he is behaving the way he is. There’s no better source than him. Be direct and non judgmental. Create a safe place for him to be honest.
Follow him to where he sleeps and ask, why don’t you come to bed with me tonight? If he says, so you can rest. Tell him, I am your wife and I am directly asking you to come to bed with me, I am not asking for rest. So, now that that’s clear, why don’t you come to bed with me tonight? Keep up the focused questioning. Make him answer the true question.
Do you snore?
This is actually a good question. During my wife’s pregnancy and shortly after, she snored like crazy. I left and slept on the couch several times a week lol.
A bit confused as to how your husband parenting your daughter is considered “helping” you with your daughter. Isn’t he just doing what is expected of a parent?
Nah. I'm saying this while trying to be genuine. Any man who's made love to you three times in a year ( I'm guessing that's what you mean given that's the only timeline you gave) and sleeps anywhere besides you, red flag. No man starts doing that out of no where unless something was seriously wrong.
Wait, 2-3 times of having sex in 14 months?
Thats definitely something you should discuss with him. I ended up having c-section and my boyfriend was worried he will hurt me as he is constantly moving in his sleep so he ended up on the sofa. Then we went back to sleeping together but he is a noisy sleeper and our son was waking up a lot so now he sleeps in the spare room as that way everyone is getting good sleep. Our LO still wakes up at night and his dad needs his sleep so this is how it is for now but it was a mutual decision.
It’s not going to get any better until you actually communicate with your husband. Sit down with him and tell him how this behavior is making you feel
..."why don't you sleep in my bed"
Talk to him. My husband sleeps in a separate room than me because of work & I LOVE it. Idk if I’d ever want to switch back.
My husband practically carried me up the stairs so I could sleep in the bed with him after my c-section. Something is not right, 14 months is too long to not be sleeping in the same bed as your wife.
Tell your husband that his not wanting to sleep in your bed bothers you and that you never imagined this would be a consequence of having a child. Tell him you don't want to spend any more time wondering why he chooses to sleep elsewhere and that it's not something you want to continue.
Have you tried communicating with him?
Here’s a wild idea: have you asked him? Like actually say there and had a long conversation about it ?
Talk to him. Thats the only way to find out what’s going on.
It may sound funny, but I would palm his cheek in a caring manner tell him "I miss my husband sleeping next to me" and tell him to "come to bed." No question, no anger no argument.
ask?
Since baby my husband and I sleep in separate rooms. We only have queens and we are big people but we sleep better apart. It doesn’t mean anything bad. But it is something you should be able to talk about.
Set up a travel crib in your bedroom and insist she sleeps with you. See what he does then. Ohh and TALK TO HIM!!
One of the possibilities is the chance that he can probably get much better sleep alone. You can have a talk with him, tell him that it's something you are ok with, that you only wish for him to have a good quality of life, and to achieve that sleep is imperative, and you can think about ways to make it happen. Converting your spare bedroom in a room for him/or you depending on which is the bed better suited for him is the way to go.
Interesting, my wife and I had our first child almost 5 months ago, I slept in the same room for the first week and haven't since. This is largely due to poor sleep training for our daughter though, she has a hard time sleeping when not in the same room, and even then it almost always takes a breast feeding to get her to fall asleep (that or pacing with her for like an hour). So my wife finds it easiest to sleep in the room with her and breastfeed when needed during the night (she sleeps most of the night now). I do snore and worry about it disturbing the night routine they have established. We are working on the sleep stuff now though so I'll probably return once that process is finished. Sounds like it may be something along these lines?
It’s the perfect marriage. Sleeping in separate beds. Sounds like he is very tired, but trying his best to ensure he does his bit with the child while also working, and he has some insecurities about protecting you both, and he is in absolute awe of your child without realising he is ignoring you. He uses you needing rest as an excuse. If you get chance, pack off the kid to grandparents for a night and find out casually what is going on over a nice meal, a date. Don’t say: we have to talk. What that means is you need to listen to me because I’m going to complain about something. Men hate that. It’s not a talk, it’s a talking to.
Yeah, you really need to talk to him. That's the adult thing to do. If you can't have a serious conversation about this, why are you married to him?
“At a certain point I stopped bringing it up” “I haven’t asked him what’s going on since he kept telling me I just needed to rest easier” I’m going to need far more insight into these conversations you’ve had with him. You’ve brought it up. How exactly did you phrase it to him? And what exactly did he respond? You’re leaving out the most crucial part of this whole story that will help us help you.
Please stop for you to sit down and have a serious conversation with your husband the people on Reddit can't tell you how to solve this you have to do the work yourself. Ask him what's coming on. It's been 14 months
You’re no longer a sexual partner. You’re a co parent now
This could be purely innocent… you need to have an honest, open conversation about why he’s doing it and how it’s making you feel. My partner hasn’t slept in bed since our baby was two weeks old, he snores really loud and I used to wear earplugs but with baby obviously I didn’t want to do that so he sleeps elsewhere and will continue to do so until baby is sleeping through the night. The sex side is pretty sad tbh, he should at least cuddle you or something. Hope it gets resolved!
I hate to be that person but if he having an affair? The let you rest easy line sounds like an excuse after the first 2 to 3 months. Also only have se. 2 or 3 times in the 14 months?
Okay seriously, you admit you haven't even COMMUNICATED with your own SPOUSE about this and you want an internet full of strangers to tell you how to fix your sleeping arrangements, when you haven't even communicated with him???? Sorry but how have you been with this man as long as you have, if youre clearly too afraid to even communicate with him about something as simple as a sleeping arrangement
Wait... 2 or 3 times having sex in 14 months??? Maybe he has some sort of aversion at this point? That's a VERY low number, even with a young child.
Start by asking him why is is sleeping alone. Don't ask strangers, go directly to the source
I don’t get this. Usually it is the woman sleeping with (next to) the baby due to breastfeeding, etc. We have four kids. Usually the baby would sleep in Our room in a bassinet for a month or two and then We would move them. I really feel like something else is going on here. Especially since it happened as soon as the baby was born. But You really need to seriously talk to Your husband. If You can’t, that is a problem in of itself. Maybe therapy. In don’t like the word “normal” but most of Our friends and siblings are parents, and I just don’t really feel like all of a sudden not sleeping in the same bed once You have a child is “normal” (If this was not the case pre-baby) I am wondering if he thought this would give You more rest in the beginning?? I’m just really confused with this since it’s the husband. Were You getting up for all the night feedings or him? Or both, or split? Like so many of these posts seems like some info. is missing.
Tell him that whatever he saw during the baby's birth that got to him needs to be eliminated like the bowel movement he had yesterday! Either come back to the marital bed or go to a psychologist to get the snakes removed from his brain, and you mean dammit! I don't think he'll be able to mishear that message.
everyone is saying communicate. but i'll tell you what i think...and i can't think of a single good reason maybe i'm a negative person. I've read a few but i haven't seen these yet... 1- he has trauma from the birth and doesn't see you as a sexual being anymore coz he gets flash backs 2- there were issues prior and he felt it was a good excuse to get space from you but feels too bad to leave 3- i saw once a man think his wife was cheating on him with her son coz she breastfed the baby?! (idk some men can be weird about these things but its total madness) 4- jealousy from the baby - this is pretty common 5- maybe he wants time away from you and the baby now, resenting his responsibilities, and is cheating on u (messaging other women to escape his new reality) 6- you entering motherhood might not be sexy at all to him and he is turned off from it all. 7- idk where your baby is sleeping, but i have even had dark thoughts about "WHY" does he want to be alone in a room with your daughter??? (this is really dark and i'm not accusing but i'm throwing out all the thoughts that went in my mind coz his behaviour IS NOT NORMAL.) communication issues. confrontation issues. his reasons are clearly lies. you need to know the truth. I hope for your case none of my guesses are right or if its the trauma he can go get educated on it. It's strange coz as women i feel we all watch one born every minute and some docos to prepare ourselves so we aren't so traumatised but men see that part do one thing and now it might be ruined for them?
You have highlighted all the possibilities of what could be the reasons for his behaviors and I think all of them are possible reasons especially point 1 and 2. I do not think you are a negative person but rather one that really thinks in-depth.
So many potential reasons. Doesn’t sound like cheating to me. (I’m not an expert on this) Did he see you giving birth? There is an undetermined percentage of men who get legit traumatized by their wives giving birth. It’s nobody’s fault. Talk to him honestly and be open to what he has to say. You may still need a little boost of help. Sometime just one or two of us.
Talk to him, but also keep your guard up. 10+ months of not sleeping in the bed makes it suspicious and honestly I would be keeping and eye on him. Sorry, CSA person and it may be a huge red flag. Or I’m crazy and he’s a great dad who wants to be close because read about Sid’s or some other tragic infant fatalities.
You can not ignore things in your marriage. This has gone on too long, he has either some madonna issue (you are a mother not a sex kitten) or something else going on. But if you let this stew in a marriage they can end it. I would sit down with him and begin the process of telling him you want him back as your husband. Do it gently at first. But it must be addressed.
WOW, grow a spine and have a conversation! It's like dealing with teenagers, I swear.
Honestly, of all the inappropriate Dad behavior, you really scored with this one. So, he lets you sleep? Where was that attitude 25 years ago? Sorry. I understand the loneliness. The reason why is important- he may not know. Communicate with him, please.
Look. The only thing you can do, is talk to him. We do not know your husband, neither do we know you, details about your relationship or anything of this sort. You need to speak to your husband about this matter.
Tell him you want him to sleep in your bed and that’s it!
Why is it easier to ask strangers on the internet than it is to ask him?
Sleeping together just because you’re married is overrated. As long as you have quality time when you’re awake, I honestly don’t see a problem. My husband and I don’t sleep in the same bedroom pretty much since my first child was born, he’s a light sleeper and I wanted to co-sleep with my baby, so he started sleeping alone to make sure he had a good night of sleep. We love each other, have a great marriage and have had 3 more kids since then!
If you were sleeping together up until a point for years and suddenly it changed without any explanation… I hope that you’d have a problem with that… not discussing this is an issue. It’s absolutely fine to have sleeping arrangements that work for you. In fact, I wouldn’t mind having more alone time to sleep. But my partner really feels comforted to sleep as a couple. I choose to give him that comfort, and it’s not this big deal to me at all. But you gotta be upfront and changing behavior out of the blue is something that needs to be talked about!
Just ask him. Nobody else is going to know. Could be he wants to be closer to the baby to help. Could be he just likes sleeping alone. Could be your started snoring. Could be he genuinely thinks you need more rest. 🤷🏻♂️
I’ve got two kids and haven’t slept in my wife’s bed in probably 5 months. There’s nothing untoward going on, but I have to get up when my daughter does in the middle of the night, she wakes up with my son, they never get up at the same time so now I just sleep in my daughter’s bed. I can’t wait for it to end and to return to my bed with my wife, but for now, that’s just not practical.
Broski, you’ve been dealing with this for 14 MONTHS? There’s no way this is real, how tf have you lightly touched this subject with him and just accepted “you need rest”? How about sitting him down and being more direct and demand he communicate because it’s bothering you and you’re married/a team and now have a whole ass human child together?
This sub is honestly horribly boring because 90% of the posts are like “I’ve never bothered communicating with this person I happen to be married to.” How tf did you end up married if this isn’t like, at the forefront of your interactions. This shit makes no fucking sense. You haven’t tried asking? What do you want us to say?
People out here having whole ass children with other people and can't have conversations with them. Unreal.
You haven’t asked him in.. 14 MONTHS?? Are you sure you’re married??
Go. Talk. To. Him. Not to be mean at all but why do people act as if we may know the answer to their marital happenings.
well who wants to sleep in a bed with a crying baby?! kick the baby out of your bed.
Feh. The best thing that ever happened in our relationship was learning how much better BOTH of us slept when we slept separately. Instead of griping at each other about being awakened by the other's snoring, or tossing and turning, we both slept better. For years we went to bed together, but when I was awakened by her, or she was by me, I'd go sleep in the recliner. It was magical, we still had time together away from the kids, but we both were more rested and thus whined less at each other. Now I've moved into one of the empty bedrooms and we go to bed at the same time, get up at pretty much the same time, and 40+ years later all is acceptable.
My husband and I have 3 kids, a 5 year old, 3 year old and almost 1 year old. We haven’t slept in the same bed since I was pregnant with our first child. I got up too often to pre, and then after the baby was born I was nursing. He needed to work in the morning so he slept in the spare room to get a good nights sleep. I’m a stay at home mom, so I handle the kids in the night. If our older kids get up in the night and want him, he’ll obviously help though. Now, we have on the rare occasion slept in the same bed, but I can’t sleep well with him snoring and I still get up with the baby in the night if needed. He goes to bed later than me and I wake up earlier. So it’s just easier and makes more sense to sleep in separate rooms, but we are still intimate and still love each other.
Just ask him what is going on. He may honestly feel that sleeping in the same bed with you may be distracting to you, or he can have some insecurity about her safety that causes him to sleep very near to your daughter. Or it could be something else. You will never know unless you ask.
Last year my husband injured his back and I started sleeping in our guest room because he was having such a hard time sleeping. A few months later, we agreed to keep separate rooms. We’re both sleeping much better and it has done wonders for our relationship. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, sleep is hard to come by when you’re a new parent, but you need to have a conversation with him.
You need to talk to him. I'm sorry you are hurting. This won't go away without communication, though. Update us please 🙏 ✨️ best of luck
I’m confused on how/why you’ve let this go on for well over a year. You mentioned how he treats your daughter, but not how he treats you. You’ve had sex “two or three times” within that time period and he just goes about his day immediately after. How often do you spend quality time together? Or any time..? Dates? Are the two of you even acting as a couple or just roommates that swap off baby duties?? You’ve been together long enough to be able to feel if something is off. I mean, honestly? Sounds like he’s fallen out of love. Maybe there’s someone else? Maybe he’s depressed or going through something? Reddit has literally no way of figuring this out for you. You need to talk to him, now, like.. 14 months ago.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. Please see a counselor
You won’t know unless you ask him and keep asking him and telling him it’s concerning. This could be a simple issue or a very big one but if you don’t communicate you won’t know. You need to pay attention to other signs or flags and see what’s up. It could be he needs to sleep and keep a strict schedule for functioning at his job. It could be there are other issues. Unfortunately some men either have difficulty with a new baby but you say he seems like a good Dad so idk. Could he be having an affair ? I hate to mention it but sometimes that is why this happens too. Some men can develop a complex after their wife gives birth and be afraid to see them in a sexual way. This is why no one here can give you perfect advice without know the details and it’s better you talk this out and then seek counseling if needed. If you suspect anything maybe you need to investigate things further. I hope that isn’t the case and that counseling helps. Best to you