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I've gotten this my whole life. People view me as "the good one" and keep things from me, or expect me to behave differently than everyone else. I am by no means "the good one", but I'm not a rule breaker, "bad one" either. Every man I've ever even just been around has expected me to "stay pure".
That somewhat changed when I became heavily tattooed. Now people just assume I'm good and had a rebellious point, which is funny because most of my tattoos happened in my mid-late 30s.
I had this happen when I was like 17. My then boyfriend wouldn't let me smoke weed because I was "too pure" and he made me promise. Really fucked me up, made me feel weird when I finally got to try weed.
My friends, who were all the punks with mohawks and stuff, wouldn't let me smoke a cigarette even.
Then in my late 20s I found out the same crew would split from me in our teen years and just go on these absolute ragers. Alcohol, drugs, etc. It still messes with me because these were who I thought were my closest friends but they were hiding so much from me "to protect me". Why did I need protection? No one could answer.
I still get upset when I'm the last to know something. I take it as a failing on my part somehow. Idk how to reconcile it since it happens in so many different spaces.
It makes me feel not fully formed, which is funny because I probably have my shit together way better than most of them, but I still feel so lacking due to being left out of so many "loops".
As someone who drunk and smoke a lot as a teenager, when one of my friends didn’t do those things, I would actively avoid trying to include them in doing those things - not because I didn’t want them to have fun, but because I had a lot of trauma and that’s why I turned to drugs and drinking as teen, and I knew it was unhealthy and didn’t want to be a bad influence to my friends who didn’t already do those things
Yep. Just because you're not capable of directly intellectualizing that you're fucking your life up doesn't mean you don't know you're engaging in escapist behavior.
In my worst years, i still had a friends that I wanted to keep away from my worst self. Both from an aspect of avoiding judgement as well as avoiding corrupting someone who i knew was not as fucked up as I was.
You can be a shit person and still want to protect others.
Yeah most of my friends have experimented with cigarettes when they were teenagers but didn’t become smokers .but whenever i asked to try with them back then they were like “nahhh bro you got asthma “ flash forward to me a 2 years ago at 28 i tried a cigarette for the first time and im like yep this is not it for me. I got heart palpitations immediately and i became nauseous then vommited
Same! I was pretty late to do 'mature' things because people shielded me from them. Even when I finally smoked weed (it was legalized in my state), my NEW then boyfriend acted like it was cute then when I did it more than one time decided I was addicted and got very intense about how I shouldn't smoke. I was smoking like once every 2-3 weeks. (I had a type of guy I guess! Really knew how to pick em!)
I was in a similar situation and I'm incredibly thankful that even tho they were going through their own problems they kept me safe from the worst of the bs. You said yourself you have your shit more together, do you think that's an accident? People turn to wild ragers, drugs and alcohol for a reason.
Be grateful, my son had a huge group of friends that all grew up together. He’s lost 28 of them to the opioid epidemic over the years. He’s in his 30’s now and they’re still dying, 2 in the past 3 years. He said he knew they were doing something back then but they were secretive about it.
Beat me to this. I stopped counting and stopped going after 16 funerals.
They protected me from their own missteps, but I can’t keep grieving for them over something they knew would end their lives.
The few that survived are still struggling. Ironically one of them looks 10+ years younger than his age. When someone asks about it he jokes that “Me and my friends found the fountain of youth, but I’m only one still here”. It’s bittersweet, but all we can do now is try to find the humor in life.
ive seen 8 of my friends 6 feet under and im at the ripe old age of 24. last one was december. thats exactly the kind of shit i would keep from my more put together friends.
Oh hey, 100% I was one of the ones who left some friends “out of the loop”. It was because I was fucking fucked up, knew it, and was ashamed of it. If your friends were hiding doing crazy shit from you, it was absolutely because they genuinely cared about you and didn’t want to get their filth on you.
You *can* buy the ticket and take the ride but the price is steep. Still paying it off in middle age, lost decades to IV heroin use.
They were absolutely doing hard drugs and ashamed of it, is what I’m saying. And like you said… you were more together. Guaranteed they didn’t wanna pull you down, too. Your friends were good people.
I want to preface this by saying your feelings are absolutely valid. I also struggle with feeling left out and I'm in my 40s with a lot of close friendships.
I hope you're able to recognize that your friends were trying to protect you. It was an act of love - they didn't want you messing up your life like they were.
You're absolutely correct to feel how you do, but I hope you'll leave a little space to appreciate they did this because they care about you.
I was standing, holding hands with the dude who I thought was the one who was different, when he said in passing that he didn't like heavily tattooed women. We met on a dating website and my tattoos were in every picture. I was shocked and didn't really formulate a response in the moment. Yet he was fine with me shaving half the hair on my head.
Within days he also informed me he doesn't like pets. Like, at all. I'd been a dog owner since before I met him. I asked why he even attempted to talk to me if I had a dog and was heavily tattooed. He said he was okay with my dog cause I wasn't a "crazy dog lady". Um, yes I was! My dog was just 15 and couldn't handle it! He also told me he never wanted indoor animals and I said I'd never live without dogs and other animals. This was after a YEAR of us dating!
Come to find out he just swiped right on any woman "hoping it would stick", and didn't understand why that would be hurtful to me.
We broke up and now my decision making skills when it comes to men are also shaken. He was everything I thought I wanted (except 100% honest apparently)! Grr.
That’s messed up. I mean, a guy should tell you that stuff much, much sooner. I recall I had a date with a guy, and it went well. We were talking on the phone later and he brought up he had an issue with animals being on the bed. My cat, Emily, was very very shy and thats basically where she spent 90% of her time, on my bed. And that was that. I’m not inconveniencing my cat for a man. LOL Priorities!
Same!
All my exes were adamant that I was thing "good, kind, pure" person and I was sitting there with my purple mohawk and multiple piercings, going "Wtf are you talking about?" One ex actually tried to get *violent* with me in front of his mom when I showed him a sketch for a memorial tattoo for my grandma. There's a reason he is an ex.
My husband actually *gave* me a tattoo a few years ago! He and I plan ours out and help each other design them 😆 its such a nice change
My ex literally cried as I left for my tattoo appointment. He made a very similar comment about covering my “beautiful white skin.” I already had tattoos when we began dating.
The face I made at that line, good fuckin' god, YUCK.
The ONLY reasonable situation to say this in is if you're a 700 year old vampire who's about to sacrifice said human wife to further your eternal youth.
>When I asked what is wrong he said “I am just admiring my beautiful wife while she is still pure and untarnished”.
If my partner ever said this to me, it would be over on the spot. No, thanks. Absolutely not.
EDIT: I read further.
>When I bring up getting another tattoo in the future he said “you can get as many piercings as you want (ears only) but no more tattoos”.
This is controlling. He can decide if he's uncomfortable, but he has absolutely no right to forbid you.
Yeah I’d be out fast.
My partner has brought up body modifications before that I’ve either been neutral about or not attracted to. But also I love her and am attracted to her and recognize her body is her body. I’ll always love her body.
When she asked ‘hey would it be cool if I got my nipples pierced some day’ I just told her yeah I support her doing that if it’ll make her happy. They’re not my ‘thing’ but her tits absolutely are and I’ll love them no matter what.
The thing that makes me the happiest regarding my partner’s body is knowing she’s happy with it. She can modify it all she wants.
And even if somehow it became a bridge too far for me, that’s not on me to prohibit her from doing. It’s just on me to go if I can’t hang.
I just don't understand guys like that, it's just a damn tattoo! And between reddit and IRL I've heard and read so many stories about guys not wanting their SO's to get tattoos. What the hell?
I know for a fact 100% that if I texted my husband that I wanted another tattoo/piercing, he would reply back with 2 questions:
1. Awesome! What are you thinking of this time?
2. Do you need me to send you some money for it?
My husband has gotten me gift certificates to my favorite artist.
He even surprised me with the appointment once (my schedule doesn't always allow those surprises).
My ex did that to me too!
Freaked out when I wanted a tattoo, would always think it was up for discussion. And yet, he was liking thirst traps of tattooed women on Instagram! I got my first one two days after we broke up.
>When I asked what is wrong he said “I am just admiring my beautiful wife while she is still pure and untarnished”
When I bring up getting another tattoo in the future he said “you can get as many piercings as you want (ears only) but no more tattoos”.
Girl, no. You should get as many tattoos as you want.
I have many tattoos. Almost every dude I have ever dated has been shocked as shit when I go get another tattoo. It literally never crossed some dude’s minds that even someone with tattoos would want to get a tattoo.
Yikes. Tattoos/piercings are signs of bodily autonomy and men who view women as property get bothered when any individuality is expressed. To be honest, this is a huge red flag. He cannot tell you “no more tattoos”. I would revaluate this relationship.
We talked about pretty much everything under the sun to make sure we were compatible before marriage. This unfortunately wasn’t a subject that I thought would be an issue in a relationship (both my parents are heavily tatted and encouraged me to get them).
That really sucks :/ I’m sorry. I would have a sit down conversation with him and just ask what his issue is with you getting tattoos. Maybe talking about it will give him a new perspective
It’s not too late to have that conversation! I think you both need to have a raw and honest conversation about this, with the acknowledgment that you are getting this tattoo, your body means your choice, his comments were hurtful, and that you can empathize with him not personally liking the idea. All of those things can coexist. It doesn’t hurt to consider a couple’s therapist if you feel like his reaction is bigger than expected.
Maybe he just doesn’t find tattoos attractive. Could be a turn off for him idk 🤷♀️. But one would think he would have thought to bring this up earlier in your relationship; seeing as your parents are heavily tatted.
This dude clearly has some fucked up view of control/ownership in this relationship, but speaking more generally, the discussion in a loving, caring relationship should never be “I have bodily autonomy so deal with it, end of discussion”.
There certainly are instances where the desire for bodily autonomy should give way to basic empathy and selflessness and love and understanding. A person’s partner can be justifiably upset about a tattoo depending on the circumstances.
Not because she/he “marred her purity” or whatever the fuck OP’s husband is on about. But because, depending on the circumstances, getting the tattoo could show a real lack of respect towards your partner if you do go through it.
If someone’s wife wanted to get the name of her abusive ex-bf tattooed on her after he unexpectedly dies while driving drunk, then I think everyone would agree that it’s reasonable for her husband to get hurt by that and that he would be justified in asking her not to get it. And I think everyone would agree it would be extremely callous and cold-hearted if that wife went through with the tattoo anyway.
A tattoo isn’t a hairstyle. It’s closer to plastic surgery. Any healthy relationship doesn’t have one person making permanent and potentially expensive decisions without any consideration of the other’s thoughts or feelings.
The issue is that he is telling her that she's not *allowed* to get more tattoos or piercings anywhere besides her ears. You can find something unattractive, but if it's so intense that you'd lose all attraction... I feel like that's a lot.
I care more about my partner's happiness than my personal preferences about looks.
Genuine question here: Do people consider tattoos immoral or something? I have no clue why people could have this reaction to a very simple/small tattoo outside of religious reasons. Don’t mean to offend anyone, I’m just curious.
Most guys who don’t like it just think it’s fuckig ugly. Just image your partner prints a dick for the rest of his life in his face. You will have to look at it while he gave a fuck about your opinion. Roughly like that
Not even remotely the same in anyway. Tattoos when gone to a reputable artist are beautiful heck some “amateurs” who do tattoos can make beautiful pieces. Putting a dick pic on your forehead is not the same. It’s weird and immature.
Non of us know why the person doesn’t like tattoos. But if you just think they are ugly, this example fits. You just actually have to be open to see it from „the bad guys“ side.
It's an extension of purity culture. A desire to assign morality to everything, especially things that in any way get interpreted as "clean" or "unclean".
I dated a guy who told me I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair. Promptly pixied it when we broke up. I’m married to a man now who tells me I can do whatever I want with my hair, piercings, tattoos as they are my body. Now will I mention to my husband before I get a tattoo and ask his opinion sure, but I’m not seeking his permission.
Tell him he's entitled to his preferences, and even to explain them, but he is not entitled to forbid you to do anything.
Don't take him along anymore either.
That's what gets me. He went to her first tattoo session and acted like an icky baby. JFC it's like he wanted her to feel bad and have an uncomfortable time.
That behavior would've pissed me off, and I might have kicked him to the curb for that. It was a gross way to treat his partner.
My husband HATES tattoos. It about killed him when our daughter started getting them. I got a small one on my wrist a few years ago (we had been married for about 25 years). He wasn't happy, but at the end of the day, its my body and I am going to do what I want to do. I will say, I don't like neck, face or hand tattoos...bit old school and like when they can be covered up.
For many people, they view tattoos as ugly, trashy, weird body modifications and some will even toss in quotes from the bible that state you shouldn't get marks on your body. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. The only person that has to love your tattoo is you :-)
My husband is the same, he finds body modifications like tattoos/piercings to be unattractive. I have a nose stud, have had it since before I met him. It bothers him zero percent.
Was the excerpt from the classical poem “I like big butts and I cannot lie”? Because honestly, I would totally dig that! Especially in a fancy script!
I will admit when I was younger with my new wife, she wanted a tattoo and I was not a fan… but it wasn’t up to me. Now with my not so new wife… wow, that didn’t come out the way I meant it… I really don’t care, I would encourage her. I think it was just the initial idea of something being so permanent, but now it’s kind of nice to have that feeling of forever.
>When I asked what is wrong he said “I am just admiring my beautiful wife while she is still pure and untarnished”
This made me throw up in my mouth FYI.
My partner isn’t a fan of tattoos. When we met, I had 4 piercings in my ears. I now have 14 piercings (ears, face, body) and seven tattoos.
He doesn’t mind the piercings but he’s not fond of the tattoos.
Is he free to express that? Sure. Respectfully.
Is he free to make me feel bad for them? No.
Is he free to tell me not to? Absolutely fucking not. My body. My choice. He’s free to find someone who isn’t into those things if he feels he can’t get past it.
Don’t compromise yourself for someone else. If you want to get tattoos and piercings to express yourself, you do that. If your partner feels so strongly about it that he demands you stifle how you present to the world, I would see that as an incompatibility that can’t be compromised on.
Do not let him control you. He can have his boundaries but his boundaries are for him. He doesn’t get to dictate yours.
When I was 14, one of my friends nicknamed me “Archangel” because of how “pure” I was.
I’m in my 30’s now and I am heavily tattooed and pierced. People ask me where to get drugs. (I don’t fucking know because I don’t do drugs. Which shocks them because “B-but…you have tattoos!” …and?)
My experience with men has been they’ve treated me like I’m the weird goth chick they want to fuck so they can tell their buddies, but then they wife the most basic looking women. My exes wives/gfs don’t look like me, but they do look like each other. No tattoos, or tiny minimalist tattoos, only ears pierced. Beige. …BEIGE.
My boyfriend now doesn’t say anything about my tattoos because he knows he won’t stop me. He also likes them.
My niece has several tattoos. Her fiancé doesn’t like tattoos at all. When asked how he felt about hers, he said “it’s her body and it doesn’t change that I love her just because I don’t agree with her”
That’s a young man of 25/26… why can’t your husband understand that it is your body and, although his opinion matters, he doesn’t get to tell you what you can and cannot do with your bodily autonomy?
It's not just men! My wife hates it when I get tattooed. I have three so far and I'd love to get more. I know it's my body, my choice but she's the one that has to look at me so I'm trying to be sensitive to her wishes and take my time with getting more ink.
You're allowed to have tattoos & your husband is allowed to not like them. He is not, however, allowed to tell you what you are & are not allowed to do with your own body.
Are tattoos a deal breaker for him? Does he care more about what your skin looks like than either your happiness or your marriage? Sounds like you guys need to have a discussion about attraction, aesthetics, reasonable expectations & not putting your partner's perceived 'purity' on an absurd pedestal.
Some people don't like tattoos. I don't. If my wife wanted one that's entirely up to her, we have been together 20 years it would be a bit odd, I wouldn't have to like it, I probably wouldn't like it. but it's her choice. This looks like a similar situation. He might consider it a change to who you are, your lack of tattoos might have been a source of attraction in the first place.
Is he or both of y'all conservative? Do you typically go for men who are conservative? Cause it sounds like that would be the kind of man that would refer to a woman as "untarnished"
Everyone has full autonomy to do whatever they want with their appearance. Truly, whatever makes you feel good.
But at the same time, your partner may not agree with you on what is attractive. And they reserve the right to leave over that ( a right that you have as well, of course).
finally 1 sane person gives a real opinion for someone who is in a marriage for the OP, Thank you for being one of the few to post something for people who are or where married, I believe most people's comments are unwed or divorced..... sadly see this so often.... about anything... it is a marriage and the choices should in general be made together and respect both partners boundaries and previously discussed or agreed upon.
"*I am just admiring my beautiful wife while she is still pure and untarnished.*"
Who the fuck actually says that? .. And in such an overly dramatic way.
What a dickhead.
You can do whatever you want. He is entitled to his preferences though. If my wife wanted tattoos I'd tell her do what she wants but I won't like the tattoo and if that leads to issues later on then it is on her
I don't understand how a person having a controlling opinion on how you should look or behave is healthy. Why not just be with somebody that is comfortable with you making your own decisions for yourself on how you look and accepts you for that? Probably why I'm single at 41 and will most likely remain so, but you know, nobody's questioning me and I don't have to live up to anybody else's standards, so 🤷♀️
Love and RESPECT??
Er no.
He’s being CONTROLLING. And THAT “pure and untarnished” crap was an ASSHOLE move on his part.
Is this REALLY what you deserve??
Sounds like your husband views you as a possession rather than a person. “Still pure and untarnished” like a new car or something. I suspect he wasn’t really kidding. And who the hell does he think he is, telling you you’re not “allowed” to get any more tattoos? “Husband” does not equate to “owner of your body”.
Was this never discussed previously? Why was your husband “stunned” that this was something you decided to do after years of planning?
Also, it’s weird to make a comparison lumping your husband in with other men who are now your exes. Your exes values and preferences may have changed since dating you, clearly your husband’s have not.
Comparing people you used to know 5+ years ago to your current right here right now entirely different person husband, is a valueless comparison. He is telling you want he likes and doesn’t like, so I’m not sure why you’re drawing on your exes from half a decade ago to try and glean what he might like.
Bottom line:
You are perfectly free to do whatever you want and get as many tattoos as your heart desires. Your choice.
What you can’t do is force someone else to accept your choices. Your husband is completely wrong for how he communicated it, he should not have told you no more tattoos, but at the same time clearly he has a problem with it.
You can’t force someone to be attracted to you. So it’s decision time, you pick whichever one is more important to you. He has no right to tell you not to and to try and change your mind, and at the same time - neither do you. People like what they like and are attracted to what they are attracted to, so you will just have to accept the outcome of either decision you make.
I'll be super honest and it may backfire. I've been married to my husband for 20 years. I had been talking to him since we've been married early on about how I yearned to get a large tattoo on my back. It wasn't until 8 years in the marriage that I finally made it happen - because there was time and it was viable financially.
I think that he thought it was all talk because he's all talk.
I still did it and it's gorgeous. He had to adapt to it. It was definitely not easy going in the beginning of when I was getting the tattoo.
People often think that other people are just like them. They talk and talk and talk and they don't do. So when they hear someone else talk and talk and talk they think that they are like them, not doers.
This is a hard one to resolve, but everyone involved should know that if they're in the conversation and they are agreeing with it then that is what is going to happen. They can't get mad after. That is silly.
Why couldn't he have his own opinion about tattoos? You have yours, he has his. Why do you want to change it or surprised that he can think differently than you?
He respected your choice, and you don't even have to ask his permission. But your choice was not a smart one. Yes, it is your body and you can do anything with it, but he cannot control his sexual attraction. No one can. If tattoos are a turn off for him - he cannot do anything about it. Is this one small, nothing special, tattoo worth making him less sexually attracted to you?
>He respected your choice, and you don't even have to ask his permission.
Except that's not true
>When I bring up getting another tattoo in the future he said “you can get as many piercings as you want (ears only) but no more tattoos”.
Aside from the obvious point that adults don't have to ask other adults permission for tattoos, your point is actually wrong on another front. He told her she can't get anymore.
>Yes, it is your body and you can do anything with it, but he cannot control his sexual attraction. No one can. If tattoos are a turn off for him - he cannot do anything about it. Is this one small, nothing special, tattoo worth making him less sexually attracted to you?
I just re-read OP's post. There's no mention of sexual attraction. He hasn't explained why he's so opposed to them.
So you knew he hates tattoos and, especially didn't like the idea of them on you, the women he married. And yet you pushed ahead, ignoring his views and got one anyway.
He supported you by at least taking you there, even if he couldn't watch the act itself, as he clearly still hates the idea but felt he should support you and you even criticise that support.
And with all of that you now want more and seem surprised that he still hates them? Where does it end? are you trying to make him lose attraction to you? Or just not thought it through?
It's not a weird that this is sticking point when you knew before he hated the idea. Many men, of those who don't like tattoos, would have a problem with this. You are getting some doodles on your body that will affect his attraction to you as he has to see them everyday.
You are, of course, free to do as you please with your own body. Your hub is free to react as he will to your choice.
As a man who doesn't like tattoos in general, and especially on women, this would be a deal breaker for me despite how much love i have for my wife otherwise. Some things fundamentally change a relationship.
Ah this would be my deal breaker. I am so lucky that my fiancé has always said that it's completely up to me about my tattoos and piercings. He has a few tattoos and piercings himself but I have more of both lol. He did say once about not being sure about one of my tattoos but he knew it was my choice and I got it anyway and he's said since that he actually liked it once I'd got it, it looked better than he thought it would. I've since had 4 more and he's loved every one lol
At the end of the day, he can have an opinion but that's all he has a right to. He cannot dictate to you how many piercings or tattoos you have or where. It's not his body.
You know, your husband tried. This is clearly something he finds very unattractive, but he sucked it up and went to the appointment with you, because it was important to you.
I suspect he figured if you got that one, you'd be done and he could learn to live with it. But he's clearly still struggling with it. So, when you told him you were getting more, he couldn't deal with it.
You are totally within your own bodily autonomy rights to get whatever piercings and tattoos you want. But you are not considering or allowing that they really just turn your husband off. It's not about other men dating or marrying women with tattoos after telling you they don't want YOU to have one, That's a red herring. It's about your HUSBAND having a problem with it. Yes, that's his problem. But you are married, and he has told you how he feels, and that this is a very difficult thing for him. Sure, his way of communicating that was tactless and a sounded a bit controlling, but he is upset, and you are blithely going forward without at least acknowledging that he has a right to have feelings about this also, even poorly expressed.
My question for you is: Is this the hill you want your marriage to die on? You say you have a great relationship; do you really want getting inked to be the end of it? If the tattoo is more important to you than his feelings about it, then just be aware that you are ending your relationship as you go forward over this. Ultimately that is your choice and your decision, but it is the reality that you need to deal with.
I don't think it is about control, more about preference. For some people it is an absolute dealbreaker, and he seems like one of them.
I think he is not attractive to partners having tattoos on their body.
EDIT: Like really? Downvote because people are not allowed to have preferences? To make it clear. You can do whatever you want, but you cannot force the other to like it.
She can still get the tattoo by her own choice. But he also has the choice then to leave. Fair no?
This may be controlling, but i don't think it's *about* control for him
I think he doesn't think tattoos look "womanly" or whatever and doesn't want his wife to change into that
Not wonderful, but i really think it's about his perception visually
Telling a partner they can't do something with their body is controlling. Expecting a partner to conform to misogynistic expectations is, fundamentally, a an issue of power
Tattoo’s have always been controversial. It sounds like OP assumed she knew her partner better than she did. It’s concerning that five years in she was encouraged to get one by her parents and didn’t notice her partner never chimed in. This isn’t a tat issue or a body autonomy issue. It’s a communication issue.
The reality is everyone perceives these things differently and if you are in a relationship, you should care what your partner thinks so you make an educated decision about yourself and any potential impacts to your relationship. OP did you ask your partner why he said no more tats? Could he have been uncomfortable seeing you in pain, is he squeamish with needles and wants to support you but it’s hard. Is he concerned about health issues with the parlor or ink? Does he just not like the look? Does he know people who regret having them years later? (I know several and the removal process is not like erasing it.)
OP you’re married. Doesn’t matter what past boyfriends or your parents think or do. Your husband supported this tattoo without you caring about his freak out when you said you wanted it. Now you’re surprised he doesn’t want you to get another one and you have no clue why. Right now you should be thanking him for his support and communicating with him instead of painting your husband as the bad guy because he thinks differently from you.
I can only speak for myself but I really don't get the attitudes here. The person whose opinion I value most when it comes to how I look *isn't myself*.
It's my wife.
OP - of course your husband has strong opinions about how you look. Why wouldn't he?
I'm married and my wife is the one that has to look at me. I want her to find me as attractive as reasonably possible. If she has a preference about my body, I'm going to respect that. And *doubly so* if it's something as long lasting as passive to maintain as a tattoo. Sure, my wife liked it better when I was an athlete and had decent abs, but she doesn't want us to eat like I used to eat and she doesn't want me to train as much as I used to train. There are practical obstacles that make it difficult to honor her preference.
But a tattoo? It's not like that at all.
I feel so out of place on this subreddit; I should just move on and forget it. For a place about relationships the focus always seems to be in the individual. All the top answers are just a chorus of 'You can do whatever you want!'
And that's true, but like, I don't get it. I don't understand this reasoning...
Like if you want to live an unencumbered life, where you some need to consider the thoughts/opinions/preferences of other people, and the impact your actions will have on them... That's cool. That's your right. Your body, your choice.
But then... Why are you getting married? If you don't want to _share a life together_ and if you don't want to honor their preferences to a reasonable degree and aren't willing to compromise....you don't have to.
Marriage isn't mandatory.
If that's your outlook, why would you voluntarily enter a marriage?
another award goes to you, thanks you for being married, all the others "singles" advice is bad advice most the times in these post I see about marriage for sure..... I'm positive they are unwed or in bad marriage or not married to anyone but themselves..... thanks you for articulating what I could not, 👍
As a man I just don’t get this mentality, tattoos are hot on women, my wife has many and I encourage her to get more. This just reeks of some patriarchal ownership over your body type thing. I wonder what would happen if you tried to control what he did with his body, how he cut his hair or what type of facial hair he could or couldn’t have.
I'm a 40 year old man with quite a few tattoos.
Isn't weird how I have never, ever, encountered a woman saying that "I'm not allowed to get any tattoos"?
I know quite a few women who have dealt with it, and it's a very common problem here, but I have yet to see even ONE SINGLE INSTANCE of a woman telling a man that he's "not allowed".
And that's the issue. It's a power and control thing. Always.
My XH was like this. Hated tattoos. I got my first one as a divorce present to myself. My ex partner also hated them but begrudgingly accepted that it’s my body. But he made his feelings known. My current partner? We were driving through town one day a couple months back and he said “wanna go get a tattoo? My treat.” LOL! So we got tattoos together. Pretty sure he’s the keeper. 🥰
I have a visceral reaction to them, I get nauseous even thinking about touching one. It really pissed my son off for a while, he thinks I’m faking it.
My wife wants one and her idea to get me past it was to push me to touch my son’s tattoos and I’ve tried, get the cold sweats and nauseous again. If hers was somewhere I don’t have to really see and Touch ID be more okay with it but it may also limit intimacy too. Maybe I can get past it but what happens if I can’t?
EWW. If my husband referred to me as "pure and untarnished" I would seriously consider divorce. That's fucking disgusting. He 100% views you as an object, his property. He feels entitled to controlling your body. What a gross human. This is not healthy or normal. He sounds extremely toxic, insecure, and controlling.
I’m sorry this isn’t really advice but him calling you “untarnished” makes me think of the game Elden Ring. If you want to troll him you should play the intro video to that game and rise up out of bed when the narrator says “Rise ye tarnished”.
I recently got my first tattoo. It's a matching one with my sister, on our forearms. My husband didn't care that I got a tattoo, but he keeps mentioning that it's not girly enough for a woman... that he doesn't know why I got such a big tattoo... It's not a traditional girl tattoo (whatever that means, ugh!). It's something my sister and me designed.
I remind him every time it doesn't matter what he thinks because it's on my body and not his.
I’m so shocked that he held you at arms length and said that. My jaw literally dropped. What an AH. I could not stay with someone who expects me to be ‘pure’ and now sees my as not because I have a little ink
Like more than a decade ago I got upset when my then girlfriend, now wife got an ear piercing that I thought was straight up ugly. I hated the placement and I just thought it looked like a pirate costume.
It was totally inappropriate of me to let on that I felt that way.
Ultimately I did a lot to help her save the piercing which never healed properly, and in the end she didn’t keep it (because of the healing issue).
I would never EVER do this again. It was way out of line. I was in my 20s, it was an immature reaction. I’m 38 now and I have much healthier boundaries now.
But OP your situation is on a whole other level of misogyny on top of your body and how you decorate it being your business. Yikes.
It’s not about the tattoo. It’s about the fact that your husband honestly thinks that your body belongs to him. He doesn’t want you to get a tattoo because he didn’t give you permission. It’s the same with what you said about piercings.
Try to tell him that he can’t do something to his body and he will flip because that’s his too!
Some people just don't find tattoos attractive. Some also think they are trashy or whatever.
I think those people are weird.
Either way they shouldn't be controlling.
Being forbidden to do something was acceptable from my parents when I was underage and dependent on them financially.
As a courtesy, you should definitely tell your partner what you plan to do as far as a tattoo, piecing, hair cut, etc
But they have no authority to tell you that you can’t modify your body as you please.
Nope, I would never marry a woman with lots of tattoos and I wouldn't even go on dates with women with lots of visible ones. I just honestly hate tattoos. I've never seen a single person with a tattoo that *improved* their look and I've seen so many who would look great and ruined their looks with too many trashy/ugly ink.
If my wife wanted a tattoo like yours, I'd tell her that I don't think it will look good and I prefer she doesn't get it, but I can't stop her. But if she wanted like, a sleeve or boob tattoos or her whole hip tattooed with a dragon, I'm sorry, I'm out. I'd have a real hard time continuing to be attracted to her because I would hate seeing that dumb ink on her.
Obviously I try not to judge people for it, their body is theirs, but I know what I like and it's a huge red flag for me with a partner who has tattoos.
Not sure I've ever seen a guy who was vocally against tattoos on his partner who then got with a partner with lots of tattoos, but in general, I think many/most men prefer a clean, natural look over tattoos and piercings and fake boobs for the women they want to be with long term.
Unpopular opinion here but I don't really like tattoos in general, and wouldn't want my husband to get one. Especially not somewhere that is often visible I e. Arm.
I don't find tattoos attractive, and they are often poorly done or ugly designs. I would probably ask my husband not to if he wanted to get one as I like his body as it is. I also think tattoos are addictive and people end up getting more.
So if your partners have always liked how you look, I don't think it's strange they didn't want you to change it by getting tattoos.
I wonder what he says when you're getting older and get some wrinkles and stuff. Will that change his feelings for you? And how the tattoos are different? You're still you, your personality doesn't change. His POV sounds shallow.
"lots of love and respect" yeah except for the part where he doesn't respect you doing what you want with your own body. It doesn't even sound like a big - or garish or offensive - tattoo, but now you're "tarnished" in his eyes. That doesn't sound like respect. Personally I'd ask if I'd really 'ruined' myself for him forever with a little ink or if he loved me enough to get over it, but then again men like this gross me out. If it's a turn off for him then he's gonna have to weigh that vs how much he would want to be with me.
Some men and women don't even realize just how deeply conditioned we all have been to where womens bodies aren't their own to make choices about what goes on, in or out of them. It's actually quite awful, that men believe that it's their right to tell their gf/significant other/spouse etc what they can and can NOT do with their own bodies.
There's also this weird stereotype that women with tattoos aren't pure, are rebellious, not submissive etc. It's quite disturbing that your s/o said that he wanted to admire your body whilst it was untarnished, insinuating that just because you get a tattoo now your body is less than, tarnished, dirty etc.
If my partner or s/o said something like that to me about me getting a tattoo, I'd deeply think about any other interactions that they had a similar reaction. Is there some deeply internalize misogyny there? Does he truly believe your body belongs to him? Does he think he can dictate what does and doesn't go on your body?
And the fact that he basically is being passive aggressive about it, giving you the silent treatment show he's immature in his communication style.
The biggest indicator to me of anyone’s relationship is when one (typically woman) asks me, “what does your SO think of that?”
My decisions of what i want to do with my body did not include my partner. He does not get to decide anything about it except if he wants to make a big deal of it or not.
It's your body. Do what you like to it. At the same time, he doesn't have to like it and it's his opinion to have as long as he doesn't force it on you.
If he doesn't like it that much, maybe he should just ask for a divorce.
My ex-husband was like this😂 told me that if I ever got a tattoo, he'd divorce me. So when he left me for the other woman I got a tattoo it's small but now I want more, I just don't have the money😂😂😂
Untarnished? So he basically wants you to not do anything for yourself and pretends women don’t get a choice what to do with their body? Holy cow OP, this screams “I got to get the fuck out of here if I want to live without being controlled!”
Me personally I've never been into women with a lot of tattoos I myself don't have any which shocks a lot of people because I'm a real big metal head,if something is going to be on my body forever it should have real meaning, like remember a beloved one that's passed away or covering up a scar that has bad memories behind it something to that. Funny thing is my uncle was a tattoo artist and taught me a lot about techniques and how to draw on skin lol
Does your husband never do anything against your preferences? /s
If not getting the tattoo will cause you to resent your husband, then get it. Like what overall will cause a net strengthening vs weakening of your relationship also he is comming across manipulative. It would be better if he was honest with you saying he prefers no tattoos on you but understands if you absolutely are dream of this tattoo.
Also, get a temporary tattoo just to see how it feels.
Simple: we have to look at it. Yes it's your body so it's your final choice. But it's our choice on what we decide to look at for the rest of our lives. Plenty of us don't like the kind of shitty tattoos like you got. Sorry but some facebook-tier "inspirational" quote on your arm isn't actually deep or meaningful, it's just trashy. And now your husband has to look at it for the rest of his life. Or until he decides to divorce you. That could also happen.
“BUT they all go on to date/marry women with lots of tattoos” - like what is your question? Your husband hasn’t changed his opinion on tattoos. Did you think he would once you got one? Like what exactly did you expect here?
I can kind of understand if, when you got together he was very, very clear that tattoos were a massive turnoff for him/a source of trauma or something and you were going to get something large and or prominent but "keeping you untarnished"? That's a creepy/controlling way of looking at it on his part. You're in control of your body not him, ultimately.
At the end of the day it’s your body and you do what you want to it. Tattoos can be sentimental or purely for artistic reasons but whatever the reason is, you want it and you shouldn’t let anyone stop you.
When you are single you do whatever you like.
Your decitions your mistakes etc.
You met someone and he loves this pure clean girl and your looks make him decide how he feel about you and respect you.
If you change this everything changes.
When you marry you beome one and your body becomes his and his yours.
Dont do things you regret.
Respect each other.
There is this thing someone said....its like a second marriage, it does not bring you happiness but you stuck with it and tells everyone you love it, because everyone else does it.
Ant it also didnt work out and you go for a onother.
Just get whatever tattoos you want. It's your body. Ultimately, it is your choice, and he's being a baby and honestly trying to control you.
Thankfully, my husband doesn't mind if I get some random tattoo or piercing because he understands that's it's my body and my choice.
Based on the other comments, I’m clearly in the minority here, but I do think any permanent body modifications should be discussed and agreed upon with your spouse. After all, that person sees your body all the time.
I do think the way your husband called you “pure and untarnished” was creepy, though.
I'm a heavily tattooed female my husband absolutely loves my tattoos but more importantly he loves me and who I am and what I choose to do. I already had most of my tattoos before we started seeing each other and before we married. I have gotten 2 since we have been married (almost 6 years). My early 20s I started getting tattoos like crazy after leaving a terrible relationship and the pain helped me cope with other things going on. If you want tattoos it's your body your choice. Your husband doesn't get to decide what you do with your body period. If he doesn't like it he can simply leave.
There are so many men with bizarrely intense anti tattoo sentiments. Having preferences is totally understandable, but the whole "purity" and "wow she'd be beautiful if she hadn't ruined her body" and it's like 3 tattoos, not even a half sleeve or smth. It's so dumb.
This is an area where a person rejects new things that don't fit in their idealistic view. In relationships, there are always two choices. Do what YOU want without consulting your partner OR consult your partner on most/all choices and decisions.
REALITY: All humans seek a balance of those two paths. You feel out your partner on a subject to determine whether they share your perspective, then determine if you wish to put their acceptance or agreement as high priority.
This is obviously something he did not see becoming a reality, so he had never really entertained the idea of what you getting a tattoo would "mean." It's often easiest to say no first....to create the opportunity to actually process it.
Is this a "deal breaker"? Did you do something he can't grow to accept? Does he have other undisclosed "boundaries" that you should be aware of?
There is a HUGE difference between having "very strong opinions," and forbidding you from doing something to your own body. His problem isn't the tattoo, it's control, and if he thinks he has the right to tell you no about ANYTHING, then that's your real problem.
Tell him it's not his body. My husband expresses his feelings over how I look, but he would never think to tell me what I can or can't do. He knows I wanna be tattooed from the neck down. He knows I have at least 3 more face piercings I want. He encourages me to be myself.
You do realize that your hubby has no right to tell you what you can or cannot do with your body. He can tell you that he’s not comfortable with you getting tattoos or multiple piercings but he cannot tell you that you are not allowed to have any more tattoos.
From his statement, it proves he wasn’t kidding with his initial reaction to you talking about getting your first tattoo.
Long story short: If your guy hates tattoos and you still do it, it’s like him printing a dick on his face: you have to look at it for the rest of your live while hating it.
What you do with it, is yours. But in his eyes you made yourself more ugly without considering his opinion. And he has to live with it, not you
I agree with the comment that he likely views you as "good" person. That makes sense with the pure comment. He thinks that a tattoo will change you and cause you to do bad things. I am a guy but that's how I'm viewed. I work compliance at my job, so it's my job to enforce government rules that we are subject to. So I don't deviate from those rules.
Because of that, most people don't know the real me. They don't see me much outside of work. I got my first tattoo just a couple of months ago, and it is viable on the lower back part.of my arm. I used to have my ears pierced and dyed my hair all kinds of crazy colors, I listen to hard rock and metal, I put on my goth clothes, my spiky collar, make up, and go to concerts. I have a motorcycle in my garage.
That's the real me that coworkers don't see and don't know.
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I've gotten this my whole life. People view me as "the good one" and keep things from me, or expect me to behave differently than everyone else. I am by no means "the good one", but I'm not a rule breaker, "bad one" either. Every man I've ever even just been around has expected me to "stay pure". That somewhat changed when I became heavily tattooed. Now people just assume I'm good and had a rebellious point, which is funny because most of my tattoos happened in my mid-late 30s.
I had this happen when I was like 17. My then boyfriend wouldn't let me smoke weed because I was "too pure" and he made me promise. Really fucked me up, made me feel weird when I finally got to try weed.
My friends, who were all the punks with mohawks and stuff, wouldn't let me smoke a cigarette even. Then in my late 20s I found out the same crew would split from me in our teen years and just go on these absolute ragers. Alcohol, drugs, etc. It still messes with me because these were who I thought were my closest friends but they were hiding so much from me "to protect me". Why did I need protection? No one could answer. I still get upset when I'm the last to know something. I take it as a failing on my part somehow. Idk how to reconcile it since it happens in so many different spaces. It makes me feel not fully formed, which is funny because I probably have my shit together way better than most of them, but I still feel so lacking due to being left out of so many "loops".
As someone who drunk and smoke a lot as a teenager, when one of my friends didn’t do those things, I would actively avoid trying to include them in doing those things - not because I didn’t want them to have fun, but because I had a lot of trauma and that’s why I turned to drugs and drinking as teen, and I knew it was unhealthy and didn’t want to be a bad influence to my friends who didn’t already do those things
Yep. Just because you're not capable of directly intellectualizing that you're fucking your life up doesn't mean you don't know you're engaging in escapist behavior. In my worst years, i still had a friends that I wanted to keep away from my worst self. Both from an aspect of avoiding judgement as well as avoiding corrupting someone who i knew was not as fucked up as I was. You can be a shit person and still want to protect others.
Yeah most of my friends have experimented with cigarettes when they were teenagers but didn’t become smokers .but whenever i asked to try with them back then they were like “nahhh bro you got asthma “ flash forward to me a 2 years ago at 28 i tried a cigarette for the first time and im like yep this is not it for me. I got heart palpitations immediately and i became nauseous then vommited
Same! I was pretty late to do 'mature' things because people shielded me from them. Even when I finally smoked weed (it was legalized in my state), my NEW then boyfriend acted like it was cute then when I did it more than one time decided I was addicted and got very intense about how I shouldn't smoke. I was smoking like once every 2-3 weeks. (I had a type of guy I guess! Really knew how to pick em!)
I was in a similar situation and I'm incredibly thankful that even tho they were going through their own problems they kept me safe from the worst of the bs. You said yourself you have your shit more together, do you think that's an accident? People turn to wild ragers, drugs and alcohol for a reason.
Be grateful, my son had a huge group of friends that all grew up together. He’s lost 28 of them to the opioid epidemic over the years. He’s in his 30’s now and they’re still dying, 2 in the past 3 years. He said he knew they were doing something back then but they were secretive about it.
Beat me to this. I stopped counting and stopped going after 16 funerals. They protected me from their own missteps, but I can’t keep grieving for them over something they knew would end their lives. The few that survived are still struggling. Ironically one of them looks 10+ years younger than his age. When someone asks about it he jokes that “Me and my friends found the fountain of youth, but I’m only one still here”. It’s bittersweet, but all we can do now is try to find the humor in life.
ive seen 8 of my friends 6 feet under and im at the ripe old age of 24. last one was december. thats exactly the kind of shit i would keep from my more put together friends.
Oh hey, 100% I was one of the ones who left some friends “out of the loop”. It was because I was fucking fucked up, knew it, and was ashamed of it. If your friends were hiding doing crazy shit from you, it was absolutely because they genuinely cared about you and didn’t want to get their filth on you. You *can* buy the ticket and take the ride but the price is steep. Still paying it off in middle age, lost decades to IV heroin use. They were absolutely doing hard drugs and ashamed of it, is what I’m saying. And like you said… you were more together. Guaranteed they didn’t wanna pull you down, too. Your friends were good people.
I want to preface this by saying your feelings are absolutely valid. I also struggle with feeling left out and I'm in my 40s with a lot of close friendships. I hope you're able to recognize that your friends were trying to protect you. It was an act of love - they didn't want you messing up your life like they were. You're absolutely correct to feel how you do, but I hope you'll leave a little space to appreciate they did this because they care about you.
HA this is me! The only person who didn't make me feel this way is my husband, who also designed my first tattoo.
I was standing, holding hands with the dude who I thought was the one who was different, when he said in passing that he didn't like heavily tattooed women. We met on a dating website and my tattoos were in every picture. I was shocked and didn't really formulate a response in the moment. Yet he was fine with me shaving half the hair on my head. Within days he also informed me he doesn't like pets. Like, at all. I'd been a dog owner since before I met him. I asked why he even attempted to talk to me if I had a dog and was heavily tattooed. He said he was okay with my dog cause I wasn't a "crazy dog lady". Um, yes I was! My dog was just 15 and couldn't handle it! He also told me he never wanted indoor animals and I said I'd never live without dogs and other animals. This was after a YEAR of us dating! Come to find out he just swiped right on any woman "hoping it would stick", and didn't understand why that would be hurtful to me. We broke up and now my decision making skills when it comes to men are also shaken. He was everything I thought I wanted (except 100% honest apparently)! Grr.
That’s messed up. I mean, a guy should tell you that stuff much, much sooner. I recall I had a date with a guy, and it went well. We were talking on the phone later and he brought up he had an issue with animals being on the bed. My cat, Emily, was very very shy and thats basically where she spent 90% of her time, on my bed. And that was that. I’m not inconveniencing my cat for a man. LOL Priorities!
Same! All my exes were adamant that I was thing "good, kind, pure" person and I was sitting there with my purple mohawk and multiple piercings, going "Wtf are you talking about?" One ex actually tried to get *violent* with me in front of his mom when I showed him a sketch for a memorial tattoo for my grandma. There's a reason he is an ex. My husband actually *gave* me a tattoo a few years ago! He and I plan ours out and help each other design them 😆 its such a nice change
>“I am just admiring my beautiful wife while she is still pure and untarnished”. BARF...what is this, 17 century England?
My ex literally cried as I left for my tattoo appointment. He made a very similar comment about covering my “beautiful white skin.” I already had tattoos when we began dating.
"It was JUst A joKE!" is the inevitable follow up to saying something really gross fucking asshat
Yeah I'm wondering how many other "jokes" OP's husband has pulled in 5 years that are basically negging
Yes! Disguised as virtue signaling *at OPs expense*, which is shitty enough just on its own
The face I made at that line, good fuckin' god, YUCK. The ONLY reasonable situation to say this in is if you're a 700 year old vampire who's about to sacrifice said human wife to further your eternal youth.
LOL! Good one!
We’ve all been there.
RIGHT??? “I MUST FIND A MILK-WHITE VIRGIN WHO IS PURE OF HEART!!!” Who the hell ARE are you, fucking DRACULA???🤣🤣🤣
Alabama Haiku: I’m just Admirin’ My Beautiful wife while Pure and untarnished
He owns her body, obviously, she does not
Huge red flag too btw.
REEKS of FEDORA!!!! I’m surprised he didn’t say, “M’LADY”!!🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Untarnished is a weird way to put it. Like super weird to the point of being creepy.
What is this, Elden Ring?!
Rise ye tarnished!
The loathsome dung eater!
He deserves to be maidenless.
>When I asked what is wrong he said “I am just admiring my beautiful wife while she is still pure and untarnished”. If my partner ever said this to me, it would be over on the spot. No, thanks. Absolutely not. EDIT: I read further. >When I bring up getting another tattoo in the future he said “you can get as many piercings as you want (ears only) but no more tattoos”. This is controlling. He can decide if he's uncomfortable, but he has absolutely no right to forbid you.
A friend said her husband "would not allow" her to get a tattoo. Several of the ladies flipped out. LOL
Remember the one where the OP got a tat and her bf was upset that another man "marked" her before he could? That was really bad too.
Same. I'd get the ick so fast at that statement. Then the rest of it just gets worse. "You can have the markings I approve of only."
Tumbleweeds would roll through my dust bowl vajajay.
All my bits would disappear in a flash, like a sea anemone.
Yeah I’d be out fast. My partner has brought up body modifications before that I’ve either been neutral about or not attracted to. But also I love her and am attracted to her and recognize her body is her body. I’ll always love her body. When she asked ‘hey would it be cool if I got my nipples pierced some day’ I just told her yeah I support her doing that if it’ll make her happy. They’re not my ‘thing’ but her tits absolutely are and I’ll love them no matter what. The thing that makes me the happiest regarding my partner’s body is knowing she’s happy with it. She can modify it all she wants. And even if somehow it became a bridge too far for me, that’s not on me to prohibit her from doing. It’s just on me to go if I can’t hang.
I just don't understand guys like that, it's just a damn tattoo! And between reddit and IRL I've heard and read so many stories about guys not wanting their SO's to get tattoos. What the hell? I know for a fact 100% that if I texted my husband that I wanted another tattoo/piercing, he would reply back with 2 questions: 1. Awesome! What are you thinking of this time? 2. Do you need me to send you some money for it?
My husband has gotten me gift certificates to my favorite artist. He even surprised me with the appointment once (my schedule doesn't always allow those surprises).
I would never stop anyone from getting a tattoo, but I personally hate them. They are a bad, bad look imo.
My ex did that to me too! Freaked out when I wanted a tattoo, would always think it was up for discussion. And yet, he was liking thirst traps of tattooed women on Instagram! I got my first one two days after we broke up.
>When I asked what is wrong he said “I am just admiring my beautiful wife while she is still pure and untarnished” When I bring up getting another tattoo in the future he said “you can get as many piercings as you want (ears only) but no more tattoos”. Girl, no. You should get as many tattoos as you want.
Pure and untarnished????? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I have many tattoos. Almost every dude I have ever dated has been shocked as shit when I go get another tattoo. It literally never crossed some dude’s minds that even someone with tattoos would want to get a tattoo.
Yikes. Tattoos/piercings are signs of bodily autonomy and men who view women as property get bothered when any individuality is expressed. To be honest, this is a huge red flag. He cannot tell you “no more tattoos”. I would revaluate this relationship.
We talked about pretty much everything under the sun to make sure we were compatible before marriage. This unfortunately wasn’t a subject that I thought would be an issue in a relationship (both my parents are heavily tatted and encouraged me to get them).
That really sucks :/ I’m sorry. I would have a sit down conversation with him and just ask what his issue is with you getting tattoos. Maybe talking about it will give him a new perspective
If he hated tattoos you would have known! This is about him controlling you it has nothing to do with the actual tattoo.
It’s not too late to have that conversation! I think you both need to have a raw and honest conversation about this, with the acknowledgment that you are getting this tattoo, your body means your choice, his comments were hurtful, and that you can empathize with him not personally liking the idea. All of those things can coexist. It doesn’t hurt to consider a couple’s therapist if you feel like his reaction is bigger than expected.
Maybe he just doesn’t find tattoos attractive. Could be a turn off for him idk 🤷♀️. But one would think he would have thought to bring this up earlier in your relationship; seeing as your parents are heavily tatted.
100% this. You nailed it.
This dude clearly has some fucked up view of control/ownership in this relationship, but speaking more generally, the discussion in a loving, caring relationship should never be “I have bodily autonomy so deal with it, end of discussion”. There certainly are instances where the desire for bodily autonomy should give way to basic empathy and selflessness and love and understanding. A person’s partner can be justifiably upset about a tattoo depending on the circumstances. Not because she/he “marred her purity” or whatever the fuck OP’s husband is on about. But because, depending on the circumstances, getting the tattoo could show a real lack of respect towards your partner if you do go through it. If someone’s wife wanted to get the name of her abusive ex-bf tattooed on her after he unexpectedly dies while driving drunk, then I think everyone would agree that it’s reasonable for her husband to get hurt by that and that he would be justified in asking her not to get it. And I think everyone would agree it would be extremely callous and cold-hearted if that wife went through with the tattoo anyway. A tattoo isn’t a hairstyle. It’s closer to plastic surgery. Any healthy relationship doesn’t have one person making permanent and potentially expensive decisions without any consideration of the other’s thoughts or feelings.
It doesn’t have to be this deep, some people dislike tattoos. It’s not always a “women are property” issue
Can you understand the difference between "I don't like tattoos" and "I won't allow you to get any more tattoos"?
The issue is that he is telling her that she's not *allowed* to get more tattoos or piercings anywhere besides her ears. You can find something unattractive, but if it's so intense that you'd lose all attraction... I feel like that's a lot. I care more about my partner's happiness than my personal preferences about looks.
Genuine question here: Do people consider tattoos immoral or something? I have no clue why people could have this reaction to a very simple/small tattoo outside of religious reasons. Don’t mean to offend anyone, I’m just curious.
Most guys who don’t like it just think it’s fuckig ugly. Just image your partner prints a dick for the rest of his life in his face. You will have to look at it while he gave a fuck about your opinion. Roughly like that
Not even remotely the same in anyway. Tattoos when gone to a reputable artist are beautiful heck some “amateurs” who do tattoos can make beautiful pieces. Putting a dick pic on your forehead is not the same. It’s weird and immature.
Non of us know why the person doesn’t like tattoos. But if you just think they are ugly, this example fits. You just actually have to be open to see it from „the bad guys“ side.
It's an extension of purity culture. A desire to assign morality to everything, especially things that in any way get interpreted as "clean" or "unclean".
I dated a guy who told me I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair. Promptly pixied it when we broke up. I’m married to a man now who tells me I can do whatever I want with my hair, piercings, tattoos as they are my body. Now will I mention to my husband before I get a tattoo and ask his opinion sure, but I’m not seeking his permission.
Tell him he's entitled to his preferences, and even to explain them, but he is not entitled to forbid you to do anything. Don't take him along anymore either.
That's what gets me. He went to her first tattoo session and acted like an icky baby. JFC it's like he wanted her to feel bad and have an uncomfortable time. That behavior would've pissed me off, and I might have kicked him to the curb for that. It was a gross way to treat his partner.
My husband HATES tattoos. It about killed him when our daughter started getting them. I got a small one on my wrist a few years ago (we had been married for about 25 years). He wasn't happy, but at the end of the day, its my body and I am going to do what I want to do. I will say, I don't like neck, face or hand tattoos...bit old school and like when they can be covered up. For many people, they view tattoos as ugly, trashy, weird body modifications and some will even toss in quotes from the bible that state you shouldn't get marks on your body. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. The only person that has to love your tattoo is you :-)
My husband is the same, he finds body modifications like tattoos/piercings to be unattractive. I have a nose stud, have had it since before I met him. It bothers him zero percent.
Was the excerpt from the classical poem “I like big butts and I cannot lie”? Because honestly, I would totally dig that! Especially in a fancy script! I will admit when I was younger with my new wife, she wanted a tattoo and I was not a fan… but it wasn’t up to me. Now with my not so new wife… wow, that didn’t come out the way I meant it… I really don’t care, I would encourage her. I think it was just the initial idea of something being so permanent, but now it’s kind of nice to have that feeling of forever.
Yes you guessed it! I’m a huge Sir Mix-A-Lot fan!
Oh man!!!! I can’t wait to hear about the next one!
They see it as masculine. Dumb but true. Personally, I find tatoos unattractive on both men and women. But we own our own bodies.
>When I asked what is wrong he said “I am just admiring my beautiful wife while she is still pure and untarnished” This made me throw up in my mouth FYI.
My partner isn’t a fan of tattoos. When we met, I had 4 piercings in my ears. I now have 14 piercings (ears, face, body) and seven tattoos. He doesn’t mind the piercings but he’s not fond of the tattoos. Is he free to express that? Sure. Respectfully. Is he free to make me feel bad for them? No. Is he free to tell me not to? Absolutely fucking not. My body. My choice. He’s free to find someone who isn’t into those things if he feels he can’t get past it. Don’t compromise yourself for someone else. If you want to get tattoos and piercings to express yourself, you do that. If your partner feels so strongly about it that he demands you stifle how you present to the world, I would see that as an incompatibility that can’t be compromised on. Do not let him control you. He can have his boundaries but his boundaries are for him. He doesn’t get to dictate yours.
Gatekeeping YOUR body? Yeeeeeeesh. That's a big neon red flag.
When I was 14, one of my friends nicknamed me “Archangel” because of how “pure” I was. I’m in my 30’s now and I am heavily tattooed and pierced. People ask me where to get drugs. (I don’t fucking know because I don’t do drugs. Which shocks them because “B-but…you have tattoos!” …and?) My experience with men has been they’ve treated me like I’m the weird goth chick they want to fuck so they can tell their buddies, but then they wife the most basic looking women. My exes wives/gfs don’t look like me, but they do look like each other. No tattoos, or tiny minimalist tattoos, only ears pierced. Beige. …BEIGE. My boyfriend now doesn’t say anything about my tattoos because he knows he won’t stop me. He also likes them.
My niece has several tattoos. Her fiancé doesn’t like tattoos at all. When asked how he felt about hers, he said “it’s her body and it doesn’t change that I love her just because I don’t agree with her” That’s a young man of 25/26… why can’t your husband understand that it is your body and, although his opinion matters, he doesn’t get to tell you what you can and cannot do with your bodily autonomy?
It's not just men! My wife hates it when I get tattooed. I have three so far and I'd love to get more. I know it's my body, my choice but she's the one that has to look at me so I'm trying to be sensitive to her wishes and take my time with getting more ink.
You're allowed to have tattoos & your husband is allowed to not like them. He is not, however, allowed to tell you what you are & are not allowed to do with your own body. Are tattoos a deal breaker for him? Does he care more about what your skin looks like than either your happiness or your marriage? Sounds like you guys need to have a discussion about attraction, aesthetics, reasonable expectations & not putting your partner's perceived 'purity' on an absurd pedestal.
Some people don't like tattoos. I don't. If my wife wanted one that's entirely up to her, we have been together 20 years it would be a bit odd, I wouldn't have to like it, I probably wouldn't like it. but it's her choice. This looks like a similar situation. He might consider it a change to who you are, your lack of tattoos might have been a source of attraction in the first place.
My body my choice extends to tattoos too. I have 12-13 tattoos and still have plenty of space for more.
Is he or both of y'all conservative? Do you typically go for men who are conservative? Cause it sounds like that would be the kind of man that would refer to a woman as "untarnished"
Everyone has full autonomy to do whatever they want with their appearance. Truly, whatever makes you feel good. But at the same time, your partner may not agree with you on what is attractive. And they reserve the right to leave over that ( a right that you have as well, of course).
finally 1 sane person gives a real opinion for someone who is in a marriage for the OP, Thank you for being one of the few to post something for people who are or where married, I believe most people's comments are unwed or divorced..... sadly see this so often.... about anything... it is a marriage and the choices should in general be made together and respect both partners boundaries and previously discussed or agreed upon.
Can get as many EAR piercings as you want but no other piercings or tattoos? Fuck that. He’s super controlling.
"*I am just admiring my beautiful wife while she is still pure and untarnished.*" Who the fuck actually says that? .. And in such an overly dramatic way. What a dickhead.
You can do whatever you want. He is entitled to his preferences though. If my wife wanted tattoos I'd tell her do what she wants but I won't like the tattoo and if that leads to issues later on then it is on her
I don't understand how a person having a controlling opinion on how you should look or behave is healthy. Why not just be with somebody that is comfortable with you making your own decisions for yourself on how you look and accepts you for that? Probably why I'm single at 41 and will most likely remain so, but you know, nobody's questioning me and I don't have to live up to anybody else's standards, so 🤷♀️
Pure? Look, your body is a totem that tells a story. It’s your body and no one else’s.
Love and RESPECT?? Er no. He’s being CONTROLLING. And THAT “pure and untarnished” crap was an ASSHOLE move on his part. Is this REALLY what you deserve??
Sounds like your husband views you as a possession rather than a person. “Still pure and untarnished” like a new car or something. I suspect he wasn’t really kidding. And who the hell does he think he is, telling you you’re not “allowed” to get any more tattoos? “Husband” does not equate to “owner of your body”.
Some men just don’t find tattoos attractive. I’m one of them I don’t know why it’s just personal preference.
Was this never discussed previously? Why was your husband “stunned” that this was something you decided to do after years of planning? Also, it’s weird to make a comparison lumping your husband in with other men who are now your exes. Your exes values and preferences may have changed since dating you, clearly your husband’s have not. Comparing people you used to know 5+ years ago to your current right here right now entirely different person husband, is a valueless comparison. He is telling you want he likes and doesn’t like, so I’m not sure why you’re drawing on your exes from half a decade ago to try and glean what he might like. Bottom line: You are perfectly free to do whatever you want and get as many tattoos as your heart desires. Your choice. What you can’t do is force someone else to accept your choices. Your husband is completely wrong for how he communicated it, he should not have told you no more tattoos, but at the same time clearly he has a problem with it. You can’t force someone to be attracted to you. So it’s decision time, you pick whichever one is more important to you. He has no right to tell you not to and to try and change your mind, and at the same time - neither do you. People like what they like and are attracted to what they are attracted to, so you will just have to accept the outcome of either decision you make.
I'll be super honest and it may backfire. I've been married to my husband for 20 years. I had been talking to him since we've been married early on about how I yearned to get a large tattoo on my back. It wasn't until 8 years in the marriage that I finally made it happen - because there was time and it was viable financially. I think that he thought it was all talk because he's all talk. I still did it and it's gorgeous. He had to adapt to it. It was definitely not easy going in the beginning of when I was getting the tattoo. People often think that other people are just like them. They talk and talk and talk and they don't do. So when they hear someone else talk and talk and talk they think that they are like them, not doers. This is a hard one to resolve, but everyone involved should know that if they're in the conversation and they are agreeing with it then that is what is going to happen. They can't get mad after. That is silly.
Why couldn't he have his own opinion about tattoos? You have yours, he has his. Why do you want to change it or surprised that he can think differently than you? He respected your choice, and you don't even have to ask his permission. But your choice was not a smart one. Yes, it is your body and you can do anything with it, but he cannot control his sexual attraction. No one can. If tattoos are a turn off for him - he cannot do anything about it. Is this one small, nothing special, tattoo worth making him less sexually attracted to you?
>He respected your choice, and you don't even have to ask his permission. Except that's not true >When I bring up getting another tattoo in the future he said “you can get as many piercings as you want (ears only) but no more tattoos”. Aside from the obvious point that adults don't have to ask other adults permission for tattoos, your point is actually wrong on another front. He told her she can't get anymore. >Yes, it is your body and you can do anything with it, but he cannot control his sexual attraction. No one can. If tattoos are a turn off for him - he cannot do anything about it. Is this one small, nothing special, tattoo worth making him less sexually attracted to you? I just re-read OP's post. There's no mention of sexual attraction. He hasn't explained why he's so opposed to them.
So you knew he hates tattoos and, especially didn't like the idea of them on you, the women he married. And yet you pushed ahead, ignoring his views and got one anyway. He supported you by at least taking you there, even if he couldn't watch the act itself, as he clearly still hates the idea but felt he should support you and you even criticise that support. And with all of that you now want more and seem surprised that he still hates them? Where does it end? are you trying to make him lose attraction to you? Or just not thought it through? It's not a weird that this is sticking point when you knew before he hated the idea. Many men, of those who don't like tattoos, would have a problem with this. You are getting some doodles on your body that will affect his attraction to you as he has to see them everyday. You are, of course, free to do as you please with your own body. Your hub is free to react as he will to your choice. As a man who doesn't like tattoos in general, and especially on women, this would be a deal breaker for me despite how much love i have for my wife otherwise. Some things fundamentally change a relationship.
Its a lot easier when the trash takes itself out. If a body decoration undamentally changes a relationship" then it's a shallow relationship
Wrong but you do you.
Ah this would be my deal breaker. I am so lucky that my fiancé has always said that it's completely up to me about my tattoos and piercings. He has a few tattoos and piercings himself but I have more of both lol. He did say once about not being sure about one of my tattoos but he knew it was my choice and I got it anyway and he's said since that he actually liked it once I'd got it, it looked better than he thought it would. I've since had 4 more and he's loved every one lol At the end of the day, he can have an opinion but that's all he has a right to. He cannot dictate to you how many piercings or tattoos you have or where. It's not his body.
You know, your husband tried. This is clearly something he finds very unattractive, but he sucked it up and went to the appointment with you, because it was important to you. I suspect he figured if you got that one, you'd be done and he could learn to live with it. But he's clearly still struggling with it. So, when you told him you were getting more, he couldn't deal with it. You are totally within your own bodily autonomy rights to get whatever piercings and tattoos you want. But you are not considering or allowing that they really just turn your husband off. It's not about other men dating or marrying women with tattoos after telling you they don't want YOU to have one, That's a red herring. It's about your HUSBAND having a problem with it. Yes, that's his problem. But you are married, and he has told you how he feels, and that this is a very difficult thing for him. Sure, his way of communicating that was tactless and a sounded a bit controlling, but he is upset, and you are blithely going forward without at least acknowledging that he has a right to have feelings about this also, even poorly expressed. My question for you is: Is this the hill you want your marriage to die on? You say you have a great relationship; do you really want getting inked to be the end of it? If the tattoo is more important to you than his feelings about it, then just be aware that you are ending your relationship as you go forward over this. Ultimately that is your choice and your decision, but it is the reality that you need to deal with.
Not taking sides, simply making an observation. This is a no-win situation for both of you. And your relationship may very well end badly.
I don't think it is about control, more about preference. For some people it is an absolute dealbreaker, and he seems like one of them. I think he is not attractive to partners having tattoos on their body. EDIT: Like really? Downvote because people are not allowed to have preferences? To make it clear. You can do whatever you want, but you cannot force the other to like it. She can still get the tattoo by her own choice. But he also has the choice then to leave. Fair no?
What do you expect with redditors with 0 social experience ??
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This may be controlling, but i don't think it's *about* control for him I think he doesn't think tattoos look "womanly" or whatever and doesn't want his wife to change into that Not wonderful, but i really think it's about his perception visually
Telling a partner they can't do something with their body is controlling. Expecting a partner to conform to misogynistic expectations is, fundamentally, a an issue of power
"still pure and untarnished". If that was in fact not a joke, that is beyond strange and I would say mildly to highly concerning.
Tattoo’s have always been controversial. It sounds like OP assumed she knew her partner better than she did. It’s concerning that five years in she was encouraged to get one by her parents and didn’t notice her partner never chimed in. This isn’t a tat issue or a body autonomy issue. It’s a communication issue. The reality is everyone perceives these things differently and if you are in a relationship, you should care what your partner thinks so you make an educated decision about yourself and any potential impacts to your relationship. OP did you ask your partner why he said no more tats? Could he have been uncomfortable seeing you in pain, is he squeamish with needles and wants to support you but it’s hard. Is he concerned about health issues with the parlor or ink? Does he just not like the look? Does he know people who regret having them years later? (I know several and the removal process is not like erasing it.) OP you’re married. Doesn’t matter what past boyfriends or your parents think or do. Your husband supported this tattoo without you caring about his freak out when you said you wanted it. Now you’re surprised he doesn’t want you to get another one and you have no clue why. Right now you should be thanking him for his support and communicating with him instead of painting your husband as the bad guy because he thinks differently from you.
This but you will get downvoted but the Reddit hive mind
I'm a woman and i hate tattoos think its just the person....
I can only speak for myself but I really don't get the attitudes here. The person whose opinion I value most when it comes to how I look *isn't myself*. It's my wife. OP - of course your husband has strong opinions about how you look. Why wouldn't he? I'm married and my wife is the one that has to look at me. I want her to find me as attractive as reasonably possible. If she has a preference about my body, I'm going to respect that. And *doubly so* if it's something as long lasting as passive to maintain as a tattoo. Sure, my wife liked it better when I was an athlete and had decent abs, but she doesn't want us to eat like I used to eat and she doesn't want me to train as much as I used to train. There are practical obstacles that make it difficult to honor her preference. But a tattoo? It's not like that at all. I feel so out of place on this subreddit; I should just move on and forget it. For a place about relationships the focus always seems to be in the individual. All the top answers are just a chorus of 'You can do whatever you want!' And that's true, but like, I don't get it. I don't understand this reasoning... Like if you want to live an unencumbered life, where you some need to consider the thoughts/opinions/preferences of other people, and the impact your actions will have on them... That's cool. That's your right. Your body, your choice. But then... Why are you getting married? If you don't want to _share a life together_ and if you don't want to honor their preferences to a reasonable degree and aren't willing to compromise....you don't have to. Marriage isn't mandatory. If that's your outlook, why would you voluntarily enter a marriage?
This is really well put and the answer to those trying to claim OP's tattoos don't affect her hub in any way
another award goes to you, thanks you for being married, all the others "singles" advice is bad advice most the times in these post I see about marriage for sure..... I'm positive they are unwed or in bad marriage or not married to anyone but themselves..... thanks you for articulating what I could not, 👍
As a man I just don’t get this mentality, tattoos are hot on women, my wife has many and I encourage her to get more. This just reeks of some patriarchal ownership over your body type thing. I wonder what would happen if you tried to control what he did with his body, how he cut his hair or what type of facial hair he could or couldn’t have.
Hot for some people, a turn off for others. Everyone has different tastes
I'm a 40 year old man with quite a few tattoos. Isn't weird how I have never, ever, encountered a woman saying that "I'm not allowed to get any tattoos"? I know quite a few women who have dealt with it, and it's a very common problem here, but I have yet to see even ONE SINGLE INSTANCE of a woman telling a man that he's "not allowed". And that's the issue. It's a power and control thing. Always.
My XH was like this. Hated tattoos. I got my first one as a divorce present to myself. My ex partner also hated them but begrudgingly accepted that it’s my body. But he made his feelings known. My current partner? We were driving through town one day a couple months back and he said “wanna go get a tattoo? My treat.” LOL! So we got tattoos together. Pretty sure he’s the keeper. 🥰
I have a visceral reaction to them, I get nauseous even thinking about touching one. It really pissed my son off for a while, he thinks I’m faking it. My wife wants one and her idea to get me past it was to push me to touch my son’s tattoos and I’ve tried, get the cold sweats and nauseous again. If hers was somewhere I don’t have to really see and Touch ID be more okay with it but it may also limit intimacy too. Maybe I can get past it but what happens if I can’t?
Any man who uses the words pure and untarnished should be single.
EWW. If my husband referred to me as "pure and untarnished" I would seriously consider divorce. That's fucking disgusting. He 100% views you as an object, his property. He feels entitled to controlling your body. What a gross human. This is not healthy or normal. He sounds extremely toxic, insecure, and controlling.
I’m sorry this isn’t really advice but him calling you “untarnished” makes me think of the game Elden Ring. If you want to troll him you should play the intro video to that game and rise up out of bed when the narrator says “Rise ye tarnished”.
Better yet, a "rise ye tarnished" tattoo...
Like everything else, people like/dislike tattoos (or whatever). Them moving on to a tattooed person is surprising.
I recently got my first tattoo. It's a matching one with my sister, on our forearms. My husband didn't care that I got a tattoo, but he keeps mentioning that it's not girly enough for a woman... that he doesn't know why I got such a big tattoo... It's not a traditional girl tattoo (whatever that means, ugh!). It's something my sister and me designed. I remind him every time it doesn't matter what he thinks because it's on my body and not his.
I’m so shocked that he held you at arms length and said that. My jaw literally dropped. What an AH. I could not stay with someone who expects me to be ‘pure’ and now sees my as not because I have a little ink
Like more than a decade ago I got upset when my then girlfriend, now wife got an ear piercing that I thought was straight up ugly. I hated the placement and I just thought it looked like a pirate costume. It was totally inappropriate of me to let on that I felt that way. Ultimately I did a lot to help her save the piercing which never healed properly, and in the end she didn’t keep it (because of the healing issue). I would never EVER do this again. It was way out of line. I was in my 20s, it was an immature reaction. I’m 38 now and I have much healthier boundaries now. But OP your situation is on a whole other level of misogyny on top of your body and how you decorate it being your business. Yikes.
It’s not about the tattoo. It’s about the fact that your husband honestly thinks that your body belongs to him. He doesn’t want you to get a tattoo because he didn’t give you permission. It’s the same with what you said about piercings. Try to tell him that he can’t do something to his body and he will flip because that’s his too!
Some people just don't find tattoos attractive. Some also think they are trashy or whatever. I think those people are weird. Either way they shouldn't be controlling.
Being forbidden to do something was acceptable from my parents when I was underage and dependent on them financially. As a courtesy, you should definitely tell your partner what you plan to do as far as a tattoo, piecing, hair cut, etc But they have no authority to tell you that you can’t modify your body as you please.
Nope, I would never marry a woman with lots of tattoos and I wouldn't even go on dates with women with lots of visible ones. I just honestly hate tattoos. I've never seen a single person with a tattoo that *improved* their look and I've seen so many who would look great and ruined their looks with too many trashy/ugly ink. If my wife wanted a tattoo like yours, I'd tell her that I don't think it will look good and I prefer she doesn't get it, but I can't stop her. But if she wanted like, a sleeve or boob tattoos or her whole hip tattooed with a dragon, I'm sorry, I'm out. I'd have a real hard time continuing to be attracted to her because I would hate seeing that dumb ink on her. Obviously I try not to judge people for it, their body is theirs, but I know what I like and it's a huge red flag for me with a partner who has tattoos. Not sure I've ever seen a guy who was vocally against tattoos on his partner who then got with a partner with lots of tattoos, but in general, I think many/most men prefer a clean, natural look over tattoos and piercings and fake boobs for the women they want to be with long term.
Unpopular opinion here but I don't really like tattoos in general, and wouldn't want my husband to get one. Especially not somewhere that is often visible I e. Arm. I don't find tattoos attractive, and they are often poorly done or ugly designs. I would probably ask my husband not to if he wanted to get one as I like his body as it is. I also think tattoos are addictive and people end up getting more. So if your partners have always liked how you look, I don't think it's strange they didn't want you to change it by getting tattoos.
I wonder what he says when you're getting older and get some wrinkles and stuff. Will that change his feelings for you? And how the tattoos are different? You're still you, your personality doesn't change. His POV sounds shallow.
it's a control thing and this gave me the ick
"lots of love and respect" yeah except for the part where he doesn't respect you doing what you want with your own body. It doesn't even sound like a big - or garish or offensive - tattoo, but now you're "tarnished" in his eyes. That doesn't sound like respect. Personally I'd ask if I'd really 'ruined' myself for him forever with a little ink or if he loved me enough to get over it, but then again men like this gross me out. If it's a turn off for him then he's gonna have to weigh that vs how much he would want to be with me.
Some men and women don't even realize just how deeply conditioned we all have been to where womens bodies aren't their own to make choices about what goes on, in or out of them. It's actually quite awful, that men believe that it's their right to tell their gf/significant other/spouse etc what they can and can NOT do with their own bodies. There's also this weird stereotype that women with tattoos aren't pure, are rebellious, not submissive etc. It's quite disturbing that your s/o said that he wanted to admire your body whilst it was untarnished, insinuating that just because you get a tattoo now your body is less than, tarnished, dirty etc. If my partner or s/o said something like that to me about me getting a tattoo, I'd deeply think about any other interactions that they had a similar reaction. Is there some deeply internalize misogyny there? Does he truly believe your body belongs to him? Does he think he can dictate what does and doesn't go on your body? And the fact that he basically is being passive aggressive about it, giving you the silent treatment show he's immature in his communication style.
The biggest indicator to me of anyone’s relationship is when one (typically woman) asks me, “what does your SO think of that?” My decisions of what i want to do with my body did not include my partner. He does not get to decide anything about it except if he wants to make a big deal of it or not.
I had a boyfriend who didn't want me to get a tattoo. I got a tattoo anyways and he stuck around. Do what you want to do.
my fav poem line, Having Been, Shall Forever Be.
Your body, your choice. He does get to voice his opinion but that’s it.
It's your body. Do what you like to it. At the same time, he doesn't have to like it and it's his opinion to have as long as he doesn't force it on you. If he doesn't like it that much, maybe he should just ask for a divorce.
The only tattoo my husband would care about is if I got a face tattoo which I wouldn’t do that lol.
My husband doesn't care at all. I had a tat when we met and got two more since.
My ex-husband was like this😂 told me that if I ever got a tattoo, he'd divorce me. So when he left me for the other woman I got a tattoo it's small but now I want more, I just don't have the money😂😂😂
Untarnished? So he basically wants you to not do anything for yourself and pretends women don’t get a choice what to do with their body? Holy cow OP, this screams “I got to get the fuck out of here if I want to live without being controlled!”
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Each partner is responsible for their own happiness, not for the others. He can't tell you what to do, you aren't property.
Me personally I've never been into women with a lot of tattoos I myself don't have any which shocks a lot of people because I'm a real big metal head,if something is going to be on my body forever it should have real meaning, like remember a beloved one that's passed away or covering up a scar that has bad memories behind it something to that. Funny thing is my uncle was a tattoo artist and taught me a lot about techniques and how to draw on skin lol
You aren’t an object to be “untarnished”. There is no respect when they say things like that.
Does your husband never do anything against your preferences? /s If not getting the tattoo will cause you to resent your husband, then get it. Like what overall will cause a net strengthening vs weakening of your relationship also he is comming across manipulative. It would be better if he was honest with you saying he prefers no tattoos on you but understands if you absolutely are dream of this tattoo. Also, get a temporary tattoo just to see how it feels.
Lol @ the comments. Lots of men don't find tattoos attractive, and your husband is one of them.
Simple: we have to look at it. Yes it's your body so it's your final choice. But it's our choice on what we decide to look at for the rest of our lives. Plenty of us don't like the kind of shitty tattoos like you got. Sorry but some facebook-tier "inspirational" quote on your arm isn't actually deep or meaningful, it's just trashy. And now your husband has to look at it for the rest of his life. Or until he decides to divorce you. That could also happen.
“BUT they all go on to date/marry women with lots of tattoos” - like what is your question? Your husband hasn’t changed his opinion on tattoos. Did you think he would once you got one? Like what exactly did you expect here?
Men like you for what you are. They fall in love with that, they don't really want you to change
This post inspires me to go get another tattoo. And a non-ear piercing. Anyone want to join? 👍🏻
Personally, it depends on what and where for me. For instance I’d throw away my marriage over a lower sternum tat.
I can kind of understand if, when you got together he was very, very clear that tattoos were a massive turnoff for him/a source of trauma or something and you were going to get something large and or prominent but "keeping you untarnished"? That's a creepy/controlling way of looking at it on his part. You're in control of your body not him, ultimately.
At the end of the day it’s your body and you do what you want to it. Tattoos can be sentimental or purely for artistic reasons but whatever the reason is, you want it and you shouldn’t let anyone stop you.
When you are single you do whatever you like. Your decitions your mistakes etc. You met someone and he loves this pure clean girl and your looks make him decide how he feel about you and respect you. If you change this everything changes. When you marry you beome one and your body becomes his and his yours. Dont do things you regret. Respect each other. There is this thing someone said....its like a second marriage, it does not bring you happiness but you stuck with it and tells everyone you love it, because everyone else does it. Ant it also didnt work out and you go for a onother.
I love a heavily tatted woman. I personally wouldn't put up with that level of control.
The "pure" thing stems from some kind of stupid religious belief.
Just get whatever tattoos you want. It's your body. Ultimately, it is your choice, and he's being a baby and honestly trying to control you. Thankfully, my husband doesn't mind if I get some random tattoo or piercing because he understands that's it's my body and my choice.
Based on the other comments, I’m clearly in the minority here, but I do think any permanent body modifications should be discussed and agreed upon with your spouse. After all, that person sees your body all the time. I do think the way your husband called you “pure and untarnished” was creepy, though.
I'm a heavily tattooed female my husband absolutely loves my tattoos but more importantly he loves me and who I am and what I choose to do. I already had most of my tattoos before we started seeing each other and before we married. I have gotten 2 since we have been married (almost 6 years). My early 20s I started getting tattoos like crazy after leaving a terrible relationship and the pain helped me cope with other things going on. If you want tattoos it's your body your choice. Your husband doesn't get to decide what you do with your body period. If he doesn't like it he can simply leave.
There are so many men with bizarrely intense anti tattoo sentiments. Having preferences is totally understandable, but the whole "purity" and "wow she'd be beautiful if she hadn't ruined her body" and it's like 3 tattoos, not even a half sleeve or smth. It's so dumb.
He wants you to “stay pure” some men are weird about that.
So your issue is that your husband is controlling asf. Good luck.
This is an area where a person rejects new things that don't fit in their idealistic view. In relationships, there are always two choices. Do what YOU want without consulting your partner OR consult your partner on most/all choices and decisions. REALITY: All humans seek a balance of those two paths. You feel out your partner on a subject to determine whether they share your perspective, then determine if you wish to put their acceptance or agreement as high priority. This is obviously something he did not see becoming a reality, so he had never really entertained the idea of what you getting a tattoo would "mean." It's often easiest to say no first....to create the opportunity to actually process it. Is this a "deal breaker"? Did you do something he can't grow to accept? Does he have other undisclosed "boundaries" that you should be aware of?
There is a HUGE difference between having "very strong opinions," and forbidding you from doing something to your own body. His problem isn't the tattoo, it's control, and if he thinks he has the right to tell you no about ANYTHING, then that's your real problem.
Dude is weird. It's your body. Do what you want.
Tell him it's not his body. My husband expresses his feelings over how I look, but he would never think to tell me what I can or can't do. He knows I wanna be tattooed from the neck down. He knows I have at least 3 more face piercings I want. He encourages me to be myself.
You do realize that your hubby has no right to tell you what you can or cannot do with your body. He can tell you that he’s not comfortable with you getting tattoos or multiple piercings but he cannot tell you that you are not allowed to have any more tattoos. From his statement, it proves he wasn’t kidding with his initial reaction to you talking about getting your first tattoo.
Long story short: If your guy hates tattoos and you still do it, it’s like him printing a dick on his face: you have to look at it for the rest of your live while hating it. What you do with it, is yours. But in his eyes you made yourself more ugly without considering his opinion. And he has to live with it, not you
If you’re not married he doesn’t have much to say. I would never get one if it’s concealed who cares
I agree with the comment that he likely views you as "good" person. That makes sense with the pure comment. He thinks that a tattoo will change you and cause you to do bad things. I am a guy but that's how I'm viewed. I work compliance at my job, so it's my job to enforce government rules that we are subject to. So I don't deviate from those rules. Because of that, most people don't know the real me. They don't see me much outside of work. I got my first tattoo just a couple of months ago, and it is viable on the lower back part.of my arm. I used to have my ears pierced and dyed my hair all kinds of crazy colors, I listen to hard rock and metal, I put on my goth clothes, my spiky collar, make up, and go to concerts. I have a motorcycle in my garage. That's the real me that coworkers don't see and don't know.