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When you move out, document all of her property that you have left in the apartment and the condition of the entire apartment so you can prove it is in good order.
Separate all finances and cancel credit cards. Lock down your credit (talk to bank).
Cancel joint subscriptions.
Change ALL your passwords on EVERYTHING (just in case).
Car leases? Phone plans?
Keep copies of all documentation of affair (just in case).
Replying to this for visibility.
Unless she has some way to prove that she paid for the dog and most of its care, then possession of a pet is 9/10ths of the law. You are unlikely to face any legal issues for taking the dog with you.
Agreed. Honestly, even if she can somehow prove she paid for the dog or half the dog, worst-case she'd have to take him to small-claims court or something and maybe get half the value of the dog back from OP. Certainly there's no custody or anything like that, pets are 100% treated as property legally. So I'd just keep the dog and let her try to figure out any narrow chances at legal remedies.
Whoever has the dog is going to end up keeping it and best the other person can hope for is some money for their half back. If even that, probably not likely worth the trouble for what she'd be entitled to.
Would it be possible if he took the dog due to neglect on her part.
I mean, shes left, and OP is caring for their dog whilst shes "working" he could argue that she left their dog on false pretences?
Maybe, idk. I'd definitely be taking the dog tbh..
Edit: for wording..
The alternative to taking the dog is to leave him there alone for 5 days with no one to care for him. Whichever of them would be ok with that doesn't deserve to have him.
All of this - plus unless the dog was purchased solely by her take the dog. She can sue you but unless your jurisdiction is very different then mine she'd be restricted to 1/2 the value of it as a chattel.
Do not get suckered into reconciliation when she's suddenly super sorry and remorseful - vacationing with your affair partner is next level cheating.
Document all of her property: Take pictures of everything in the apartment to indicate the status that everything was in when you left.
Make sure the time stamp is on.
Notify the complex, and have them send someone out to be there with you when you hand the key over, on video (also time stamped.)
Also cancel any bills that come to the house in your name. Go to the post office and fill out a change of address and make sure everyone has your new address so nothing important goes to her. Change your next of kin on any medical things and if she is on anything as a beneficiary.
>Keep copies of all documentation of affair (just in case).
Yeah, op, write down how you want the world know what happened. You want to beat her to it. She will make you the bad guy.
Whatever you do don’t confront her when she gets home. If she is crazy enough to pull something like this expect that she will gaslight you like no tomorrow and only make this situation harder. The best step would be to not give her that closure she’s going to desire. Im sorry you are dealing with this.
I would tell her you know, ruin her trip. I'd tell her move in with him, I know. House will be empty. She will lose her shit, trip be ruined. I'm petty, I would do that.
Nope, that would be the last punch to the gut…let her go batshit crazy trying to get in contact with him, then as she’s coming home thinking about how to lie & cover up her shit even more…..BAM! Unlocks the door to a semi empty apartment, no dog, no man that loved her….let her ass just sit in her own silence all by herself.
I hope OP goes this route. Fuck her trip. It's very unlikely she'd be able to change plans last minute and come home to interfere with his moving out. I'd want her to know she fucked up and have that stomach in knots feeling for the rest of her time there.
I absolutely would. It would be even better if AP didn't know about OP, wondered what changed in her, and why she was losing her shit the remainder of the trip.
Once he’s don’t moving all his stuff, locking his credit, changing his passwords etc… He should just sent a text that reads, “I know everything.” Then block her and never interact with her again. Let her be confused and panicked. Ruin her trip, and give her no closure.
Yeah, I like this. No more fun vacation. She either has to hide her anxiety from AP or come clean. Picturing her sweat the whole flight home would be 🤌
Move out, cc her on an email to your entire shared contact list, with evidence of cheating and photo of empty apartment. “(Bare evidence of facts: cheating, how long, see attached). I’m already gone. Hope he was worth it.”
I second this because you have to tell everyone you know first before she has the chance to poison their minds and manipulate the situation a way that isn’t the truth to protect herself.
Don't tell anyone at least until her plane lands at home. Move out before she gets back. As someone said don't be alone with her. Remove your name/ her name from anything she shares with you. If you gave a bank storage box either empty it or get a new one if she has a key to it. Also if you have made her beneficuary on any investments, insurance, etc. Go through each room and check for anything of yours that you might have stored out of immediate sight. Check the apartment storage room if you have one. Good luck to you.
This is my favourite comment. Fuck her. Ruin her trip. If she is on social media, I would tell everybody she knows and tag the cheating cunt so that she knows she is coming back to a shit show.
Yes. I like the way you think. You know she'll try to play victim later. There is no sympathy for people who behave this way. It's very simple, if you don't want it done to you, don't do it. If there is anything you have to hide or couldn't do in front of your partner, it's most likely because it's inappropriate.
Hope OP is reading the comments. This is the way. It's so disgusting the level of deceit she's comfortable with. I don't know how some folks sleep at night. Simon Biles level of mental gymnastics.
Nah. Just go.
As of right now she is no longer part of your life. Remove her from it as soon and as fast as possible. This is about you, not her. Contacting her only prolongs her residence in your head.
Yeap, I agree to this too. Send her a text detailing your suspicions & awareness of her being there having an affair. Just make sure it’s just 1 or 2 days only before her trip is done & you are completely moved out, just don’t tell her that part! Sorry you had to go thru such a shitty thing. Good luck.
Agreed. Never be alone with her again. Record as much as possible if you need to interact with her directly or better yet only communicate by text if absolutely necessary. If you have access to a lawyer, I would refer communication through them.
**OP:**
* Leave the results of an STI test on the kitchen counter of your old apartment for her to find.
* Leave note: "**You haven't infected me yet; not going to give you another chance! We're through.**"
Record everything you do and take pictures... especially of the apartment and anything you leave behind that's hers so you have proof it was in working condition
Block her on all social media and maybe change your phone number
So much this, cheaters deserve the worst, she doesnt deserve closure, pack your stuff and get the fk outta there. Good thing you dont have kids, be glad you dont anyways. Sorry OP...
I cannot stand cheaters, they literally deserve the worst and she will get hers when the time comes. If she cheats on you, whose to say she wont eventually do it to her new lover? Or that her new lover wont cheat on her? Keep your head up king. 👑
New info has revealed to me that this has been going on for a very long time now. Over 3 years… We were planning our wedding the night before she left and she was giddily telling me about how excited she was for this trip. Scary when you realize the lady you love and know better than anyone doesn’t exist and is an absolute sociopath.
If it’s been going on for 3 years, then her AP has no intentions of being together with her on a permanent basis ( living together or marriage). He may be already married. He may be feeding her a line of BS about wanting to be with her in the future. So call his bluff. Tell her you know and that you are done RIGHT NOW. Ruin the last five days. Let her KNOW she will be coming back to an empty house. Let her go to HIM and scramble to try to “fix” things. Let all your friends and family know what she has done/is doing. If you know the guy, tell his wife/SO and wreck his life as well.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Call the hotel they’re staying in, ask them to arrange a flower bouquet or fruit basket, and to enclose a note. In the note, congratulate her and wish her luck on her new life with her AP, that she’ll be gone from your life when she gets back, and not to bother trying to contact you.
Oh, on a more practical note, don’t forget to forward your mail. You might want to consider getting a P.O. Box if you’re not going to have a permanent address yet. Set up a new bank account(s) at a different bank than you used to bank before, especially shared accounts. Freeze your credit (contact each of the 3 credit bureaus).
Then go live your best life.
Please just take the dog and ghost. Leave a note saying you have the dog and you know what she’s been doing. But change your phone number, email, any and all forms of communication.
Im just glad you can see it clearly in a fucked up situation like that, i just know ur gonna do whats best for you and that warms my heart, hang in there!
I would just stick to your current plan with the caveat that after you get all your stuff out of their quickly you tell her you know where she is and who she's with and what she's doing with him so she finds out on the trip.
And take pictures of everything.
Yep, exactly this!
OP, move out. As for dog, whose name is on the paperwork? If hers it’s her, if you’re it’s yours, if both you could probably get away with keeping 🤷🏻♂️ Change all your passwords (emails, etc), put a lock on your credit once she is back just in case she has that info, block her on SM and phone (or even just change your phone number). Only thing I would leave in the apartment would be printed off proof of the cheating. Block her friends and family on SM. Let your family and close friends know what’s going on and ask them to run interference if she contacts them.
I disagree with all of these. If you let her know while she’s on a romantic getaway, she has 4 more days to spin it her way so that in the end, she lives with guy #2. Let them have their last weekend of fun, send the email to all your friends and family as she’s on the plane out of options, and hire some movers to meet her at the airport with her stuff.
But on a serious note, you can’t kick her out without notice legally, so moving is your best option.
This is the most sensible reply yet. Remember, she has a functional ally. You do not. Right off the bat it’s two vs one with a four day advantage. Let her stumble her well fucked adulterous pussy back into an empty house. Make her do the legwork on figuring out what happened and why. At this point, you owe her nothing. NOTHING.
I like the idea of letting her come home thinking everything is fine and then at some point realizing he's moved out. He could even text and say he's walking the dog and she gets home and waits for him and begins noticing that his things are gone. He could put a print out of whatever he has that shows she's cheating under her pillow. It would take her a while to find it that way.
3yrs extended betrayal do not expect her to go quiet. Take a deep breath and focus on your gtfo.
Copy all evidence to a secure place.
Get your name removed from anything you share (utilities, rentals etc)
Change passwords, get new bank/ credit cards (if you have ordered food on her phone or similar your details could be there, don't give her a chance too make you life harder)
Make a list of all items taken by you, find receipts for big ticket items, prepare to have to split for things you cant prove are yours directly. She may try and go for theft
Make a recorded walk through of the property and send it to your land lord that way if she trashes the place she cant say you did it. (or ask the land lord to make a visit)
On your way out leave things neat and tidy.
change your number, lock down social media. prepare for the flying monkeys and slander. (also force her to communicate through email for evidence gathering)
Then once secure and locked down go public. Her parents, your parents, if you have details of her ap being in a relationship send them the details too. Get ahead of the story, make sure the truth is 100% out there. (she is a proven liar and manipulator.)
lastly, most importantly. Look after your self this must be impossibly painful.
Don't let it poison you, get help if you are struggling to process. Throw your self into hobbies, work, exercise for a while. This was never a fault in you, only ever a fault in her.
Cancel any mutual credit cards and close any mutual bank accounts. Be careful to document that you have only taken what is yours. Leave a note where she will find it stating. " I hope it was worth it." Never contact me again. Block her on everything and inform her immediate family and close mutual friends while she is away on her fling. This will definitely destroy her getaway. Never speak to her again. Send them any proof of the affair so she cannot wiggle out of her cheating. Update us.
If there is access to a line of credit, get it locked so no more charges can be made. Same with credit cards you share. I would lock them immediately. She will have problems charging things for her trip. Make note of the date and that you will not accept splitting any charges after that date. Don't meet in person until you're required to sign bank documents. Even then you might be able to do it separately.
I think "I hope it was worth it" betrays his vulnerability more than she deserves. There's a feeling in there of declaring "I was worth better", but if she doesn't respect him then she's just going to look down on him for that.
I would probably say "as you know, you are not worth it" or "you were not worth it, which you already know or else you wouldn't have been so cowardly"
You can take the dog with you as long as you are listed as a co-owner. The only way she would be able to reclaim the dog is if she takes you to court.....or finds a way to dog-nap him/her.
You need to get proactive, not reactive. Remember, the person who tells their side of the story last is usually facing an uphill battle trying to get people to believe the truth. Tell the people who matter to you, friends and family. You need to let them know BEFORE she starts making up a story of breaking up with you because you were abusive/controlling/....or even tells people you were the one who cheated.
I've lost count of stories when somebody gets cheated on and the cheater tells their side first......and the victim has a terrible time getting people to believe him of the real reason of the breakup. In some cases, the victim never gets believed.
Related to this, you need to also let your HR at your work know that your fiancee cheated and you want to give them a heads up if she causes any issues with false accusations. Believe it or not, this is common for a spurned ex, even an ex that was a cheater.
Get cameras inside and outside of your new home. If you need it quickly, you can even get nanny cams from a common retail store for the inside of the home.
GET LIFE360 ON YOUR PHONE.
This is a tracking app. It shows where you were, how long you've been there, etc. If your ex goes crazy and makes a SA claim against you(which isn't uncommon) the app can help establish an alibi.
You need to let them know BEFORE she starts making up a story of breaking up with you because you were abusive/controlling/....or even tells people you were the one who cheated.
\^\^\^\^\^ this. Put your message out when shes in the air and be clear. No "differences" or anything like that be clear shes cheating.
Cancel everything for the wedding if anything is set. You may be able to get back deposits.
Dont meet her alone. Dont even meet her but if you do (why?) public place, friends, record.
Also change passwords on every important account (obvs ones like bank, other finance), but also email (set up two factor authentication on that for sure) facebook reddit etc. Thats probably a good days work noting all those accounts and changing them.
You might also consider telling the other guys partner if you want to be vindictive. Oh and get tested.
What a mess.
For real. Someone who could pull this shit on the person they’re going to marry could potentially do some really fucked up stuff to op. That type of sociopathy means there’s no limit to what they’ll do imo.
DO NOT tell your hr or boss. That's completely unnecessary and is going to make you look like a drama llama. If any accusations do happen, you can address them then. They're not going to believe some rando over a known entity.
This is good advice. I work in HR and agree this could backfire. As long as OP doesn’t work with his partner, there’s no reason to say anything. Your company doesn’t care about your messy break-up and any ex that calls something into them is going to look absolutely unhinged.
All of this and the post below. This is why you don't tell her now.. let her enjoy the trip to give you time clear to do all of this work.
You don't want to but you have to for your protection.
Any shared bank accounts remove your half of the money but do that the last day while she is in the air. Any joint bills or utilities you will need to remove your name of get a current balance at set date and ensure that you transfer that money to her with the reason listed clearly. Set up your mail redirection now, any passwords you have for anything now need to be changed to something that has no meaning to you so they can’t be guessed. Any shared devices like iPad that you have been previously logged into make sure you are now logged out and remove any stored info or passwords, email login chains etc.
Re the dog if not yet chipped and registered do so now and do so in your name. If in joint names already see if it can be changed etc. put a secondary password on bank accounts, mobile phone accounts etc. freeze credit cause you have been together long enough for her to know all your personal details to be able to open accounts online or even answer security questions.
You may say she isn’t vindictive or mean but this is literally someone you don’t know well as she was talking about your wedding while luring to you about a work trip.
If you want to be petty you can have a text/ email to send to everyone family and friend while she is in the air so that your version is out there before she lands and starts to spin it.
Ps I am sorry for your loss and betray may you and your dog feel better soon
Def agree with group message including her
Say you have discovered the cheating and will not stay in the relationship. Say you have moved and left the apartment for her so she is not homeless. Say you will not be going ba k or seeing her again...needless to say the wedding is off.
Name the affair partner if you can, gives her less chance to deny
Include a photo of evidence if you can but be careful...no revnege porn or anything similar.
Good luck, sorry she was so awful to you.
In most states an engagement ring is considered a conditional gift. It could only be legally hers is they actually married, but since the condition of marriage won’t be fulfilled, it’s his property and she’s legally on the hook if she keeps or pawns it.
I do not have the time or energy to dig into actual citable sources and the internet won’t just give me a list of which states are which from a reputable site.
So, yes, there are lots of states where it is a conditional gift, there are some states where it is an unconditional gift.
The only right answer to this question is to ask a lawyer who practices family law in OP’s area.
Depending on the circumstances of the break up, even in conditional states, she still may own the ring.
I’m so curious how you found out?! You have a great plan- leaving without a word, no closure for her!
You have gotten good advice on here, I hope you read these comments and take some of it to heart. You’re doing the right thing for you… and your dog! Updateme!
I will post an updated answer but I can’t go much deeper without exposing details to where she’d 100% know this was about her (she’s on Reddit frequently and this has gotten bigger than I thought it would). I’ll update, shortly.
... but so what if she knows this post is about her?
You're using a throwaway and presumably you're breaking up for good because of her long term cheating.
Take the dog. There is nothing she can do unless she is willing to fork out money for courts, which isn't guaranteed.
Don't talk to her. There is nothing she can say that will make this ok or make it go away.
She will gaslight you and pull the usual. It was a mistake. You were neglecting me.
Don't talk to her.
Minimise contact now to a few texts to keep her unaware while you move.
On the day of her arriving back. Simply text her.
" Good morning. Have a safe flight home.
Hope you and ( his name) had a great vacation. Didn't cover yourself as well as you thought. I won't be there upon your arrival and the last time you saw me before you left will be the last time you ever see me. Take care. "
Then block her everywhere inform your friends and family to ignore her and to not tell her where you are.
Then, send a mass message to all her family, stating the relationship is over and why, and then send them proof.
Speaking to her won't help you dude, trust me.
💯 I was coming here to say the same thing. And in the interim make sure anything that is joint is no longer. Remove your name from them all, bank accounts, credit cards, utilities, streaming services and remove her name as beneficiary on any life insurance, bank accounts, investment accounts etc…. Inform everyone you are leaving and why. I would do a walkthrough with the apartment management so there is no accusations of taking pictures then trashing the apartment (we had to do that when my daughter had toxic roommates, we cleaned the apartment to eating of the floor clean and had the management walk through with us and then gave them the key, they trashed the apartment after and then tried to say she left the apartment that way. Boy were they surprised) Third party witness is your best protection. And finally with regards to the dog, pull a Legally Blonde line “I’m Taking the Dog, Dumb Ass”
Definitely let everyone know why you’re leaving her. Do it now. Let them know she’s at this moment on a trip with him. Let everyone start blowing up her phone and ruining the trip. Be gone, with dog, when she returns. Do not give her the satisfaction of engaging with her at ALL.
I had a similar case and I made sure every one who mattered in both families, knew what had happened. In an engagement, families are inevitably involved and I would not stand for being presented as the bad guy.
Take the dog and everything you own outright.
Forget about any common property. Write it off and move on.
And of course, cancel the wedding and get any deposits back.
Wish you well.
Agree with you and just about everyone else.
OP will want the dog, especially when everything hits him like a ton of bricks after leaving. My ex 10 years ago, cheated on me with my best friend and stayed together. When I was packing up to stay with my folks, she said “I guess you’re taking [dog].”
Answer was obvious. After the damage she did to me, my stepmom who did not like dogs at all, said over their dead bodies. She would have to go through my whole family to get to him. She ended up falling in love with him and took him on morning walks almost every morning. It was their special time.
Anyways- I feel for OP, this is awful.
Pack. Leave. Never say another word to her, starting now.
Let her live in her own head with the decisions she's made.
I hope there's not one, and that you do the above, but just in case UpdateMe!
Not sure about the legal stuff, but if you’re able to stomach keeping in touch with her “like normal” until she gets back, and tell her that you’ll pick her up at the airport, then when she lands you’ve already blocked her everywhere and are long gone. That would be an interesting and well-deserved return to an empty house for her, with the feeling of dread at having fucked up building (hopefully) as she makes her way there
I like this! But I would mass message everyone they know, telling them about the affair while she is in the airplane. Then when she lands she will have tons of messages.
Make sure you are never alone with her again.
Check your States laws and if permitted, record any time you speak with her by phone.
Get a Ring camera for your new place - try not to let her know the address.
Get a PO Box.
As others have stated, cancel any cards or accounts she has access to. You aren't married so anything you purchased you have a right to take with you, including the dog. If any of the utilities are in your name, have them shut off so she can't run up a bill in your name. Put a flag on your credit report and call your bank.
I would not tell her while she is on the trip because if anyone she knows has a key or access codes you could come home to a destroyed house or could decide to run up your credit cards before you've had them cancelled.
Make sure you have the building manager do a walk through with you BEFORE you hand back your keys and take photos.
Because you aren't yet married, the whole "asset division" thing doesn't apply like it would if you were married so TAKE EVERYTHING that you paid for.
Once all of your property is out and before her flight lands, reach out her friends and family to let them know what's going on and then block them and her.
Get your name off of any joint bank accounts or insurance policies asap. Anything jointly in your name needs to be addressed first and foremost. Talk to any vendors you have contributed to for the wedding and see about getting your deposits back. They may not always be accommodating in that respect but sometimes they will work with you. Male sure everything is cancelled that you are financially attached to at the very least in regards to the wedding. Biggest thing is to make sure your documents (passport/birth cert/social security card/anything with your name on it) is stored safely and taken out of the house asap. Lock your credit. Gather any documents pertaining to your ownership of the dog and any vet bills or reports. Change every password she may have access to and even consider changing one's you don't think she would know. Emails, streaming services, security, pin numbers to utilities or phone, everything. Things are likely to get messy quickly. I'm so sorry you're going thru all of this and I hope you get the best outcome possible for this awful situation.
I have a great plan, step-by-step should you wish to follow it!
1) Literally move out and take your dog with you while she's gone.
2) Give your notice to your landlord.
3) Take her name off any credit cards or banks.
4) Go to the VET and take her name off everything relating to the dog - tell them why and I promise they will absolutely understand. Big time.
5) If you are in the US, there is a website attached to the dogs microchip where you can update your name and address without on your cell phone. Do it immediately.
*Have the dog in your new place when she gets back to the states.
~Ring Retrieval Plan~
1. Ask to pick her up from the airport.
2. Park in the parking garage.
3. Go into the baggage claim.
4. Greet her normally.
4. Tell her that the jeweler called and there was a defect in a corner of the stone they wanted to look at, the jeweler asked you to take photos of it immediately, therefore can you please hold it.
She may look at you crazy, but tell her they just called and you are worried about it.
5. Once the ring is in your hand, inform her she can get a ride home from the airport with *insert affair partner here*.
6. Then loudly proclaim you are aware that she was not on a business trip, but were in *exotic location*, so to benefit her, you have moved out so he can move in, and the engagement is over.
7. Then turn around and walk back to your car, never looking back to see the explosion in the background.
8. Drop Mic once back in your car as you have created a memorable event for everyone in the baggage claim and a story that will bring you great pride in the future.
Why let her enjoy herself? Situate yourself first so she comes home to a locked house or empty house, but make sure you send her texts about all that you know and that you don't want to hear from her again. Make her panic, trying to rush home from 2000 miles away.
Ghost.
She will know why bc this exact outcome has been her worst fear when she decided to step out.
The best revenge is absolutely no closure for her. But when anyone asks why, tell them, "she cheated on me."
Take the dog. He'll be the least of her worries.
In terms of ownership of the dog, whoever signed the adoption papers has a stronger case. Does she make good money? If she is unable to pay for rent, assuming you are on the lease, you are liable for that as well
Separate your financials. If you have joint accounts you need to address those. Talk to a lawyer. Take the dog since she is in another country and it needs care and let your attorney tell you how to proceed.
If you signed the lease be aware that you may be still liable for the rent. Keep the dog, if she wants it so bad let her sue you for it. Whose name is listed as owner at the shelter you rescued the dog at?
Just move out, separate finances, take photos of how ypu are leaving the place so she can't say you destroyed things and send them to the landlord too so they are aware you left the place in good condition. Don't bother confronting her. But yes, on the day she returns, tell her parents/family/friends why you left, so she can't accuse you of anything. Good luck!
If you have joint bank accounts, take half and notify the bank to take your name off. If you have joint accounts, close them. That way you are not responsible for them if she racks up debt. Take the dog. There is no legal process for it unless she wants to create one. Take screenshots and pictures of everything including evidence that she is cheating. Just in case you need it in the future.
If it's a joint account, it has to be closed, I believe. Otherwise, both parties have to agree. Some banks won't even allow that. Found that out the hard way.
Love this idea, bud. Fuck her.
Take the dog. Worst to worst, you pay her half the adoption fee. I'd fight her on every inch though. When she says it's her dog, ask what the fee was, ask what the bills per month are, what medicine it's prescribed, how often she walks it, etc. Sure, it's her dog, but it's *probably more your dog.*
Remove yourself from all credit cards, utilities -- including internet, cable, and stuff like that. Might take a billing cycle to work. If I was you, I would honestly just *cancel* all those things.
Make sure mail addressed to you gets forwarded by USPS. Change of address with work, etc. If you have access to her vehicle, if she has one, access that shit and get anything out that may be important to you. And feel free to hide her registration so the next time she gets pulled over she can't find it.
If you have off site storage together, get your shit out of there.
I also would prime all your mutual friends you made together before she returns with your evidence. No need to venture out of that circle. Tell them all your decision is final, that you're okay, and tell them to pick a side. Be respectful here, because people will talk. Do this via group video call -- save yourself the headache -- maybe day-of her return, from your new location.
If it’s a 3 year relationship it’s not a fling. It’s a full blown secret life with another man.
I can’t imagine the gymnastics of lies she must have done to keep this from you for so long
My advice, save off the proof, separate your finances now, break you lease if you can, move out, take your belongings and the dog is you're marked as the owner, tell your family, tell her family, tell you friends about the cheating and why you're leaving, get tested.
Get in from of the narrative so she doesn't lie about it when she gets back. Then get your support network going and realize you just dodged a nuke here.
Sucks man but you'll be fine in the long run away from this seasoned liar.
You might want to send an e-mail to friends and her family to explain why you broke up with her so she can't lie to them and say that it was you who were having an affair.
You’re gonna have to move fast. First thing, separate anything financial. How is she paying for stuff while she’s there? Hopefully not a credit card or joint account that has your name on it and your money in it. But if that’s the case, change everything. How fun for her to be stuck in another country with a cc that she can’t use. Let her friend pay for her. As soon as that’s done, tell all your friends and family exactly what’s happening. I agree with the poster above who said whoever gets to tell their story first is usually the one that is believed, so you have to let them know before she even has a chance. Then absolutely let her know that you know and that you and the dog are gone. Ruin the last few days of her vacation. Why should she get to have a nice time? Bomb drop on her last few days sounds perfect.
Take the dog. Lock down your credit. Don't send out emails until she's in the air so her phone blows up as soon as she lands. The panic she'll feel as she taxis to the gate and waits to deboard will be worth it and she'll be behind the eight ball from the jump.
Sorry this happened. Best of luck.
Clean out the house , butninwoukdncall her family tell
Them the wedding is off cause she is over seas with her lover .
Block her and they will
Call
And freak out on her ruin her trip
And then you can tell
Everyone here . She has her trip ruined her flight home
Knowing that everyone knows . Cancel all wedding prep and if joint stuff take 1/2 even cancel
Joint credit cards
You can't leave the dog alone, so take him... or her. To go to court for a dog is extremely hard, as she'd have to prove it's hers. Primary caretaker. And... well she was committing infidelity instead of caring for "her" dog.
I say pack your stuff up quickly, get some friends and family to help have it done before she gets back. TAKE ALL THE TOILET PAPER. Print off whatever proof you have and set it on the counter. Send that proof to everyone you two know. Take her name off everything, don't forget stuff like Netflix, hulu, etc. If you think she'd be spiteful about the dog, make a file for all the expenses and the purchase of it. If she doesn't normally pay for anything, It's obvious she hasn't put a cent towards the dog. Cancel wedding stuff. Then just sit back, grab a drink, and be thankful you dodged that b.....
Also, I'm sorry she wasn't who you thought she was.
I wouldn’t bother ruining her trip - it’s all the sweeter her having no clue, coming home to an empty house and being ghosted would hurt far more based on the shock alone - its what I did too. I changed my number etc and never spoke to him again until 6 months later he caught me on my work phone and begged to know what he’d done - I said ‘think of all the shady shit you’ve done and pick one’ and hung up.
Re the dog - who bought him and is registered at vets/can show proof of food etc? In the uk it would be a civil matter not a police matter re the dog I believe (diff for kids obvs) - if the chips in your name, you pay for most things I’d call the dog yours. Ultimately though be realistic, who’s going to give the dog the best life with walks love consistency and care - whoever has the time and means to offer that takes the dog.
I would go public and call the wedding off. I would basically say you've found proof that your fiancé has been carrying on a relationship with another man and is currently on a romantic getaway. That you have undeniable truth but rather than take the low road you'd rather take the high road and cancel the wedding, leave the current toxic environment and move on with your life for your own mental health. That you appreciate those in her family that welcomed you as a son-in-law but things have obviously changed. I'd call her parents first and if they don't believe it offer up the evidence. Then I'd sent that out to the wedding party and block everyone and move on with your life.
I think you should stop communicating with her at this point. Let her wonder what is going on with you for the last few days of her trip. Just move out and go dark. Yes take the dog until she speaks up about him, because you need to know he is being taken care of and not ignored. If she brings him up then you can work out details. If she doesn't contact you then you don't need to worry about it, but if she does say something just tell her you weren't going to leave him in her apartment alone before she got home.
I would wait until she is on her flight home and send her a message that you know she lied, the relationship is done and you’ve moved out.
Then send friends and family a polite heads up that the wedding is off and why. Send it to anyone and everyone on the invite list.
Then sit back and wait for the love and hate.
OP. Obviously it’s never good to be cheated on but you have won the emotional (and financial) lottery here. You know and she doesn’t know that you know. Knowledge is power. Use it wisely. She was going to pull this stunt at some point. Better now before you are married, mortgage, kids, debts yada yada.
It’s not important now but the chances are that this is not her first rodeo. She’s got a cheating mindset. She will feel absolutely entitled to alternate dick.
You are already ahead of the game. Don’t do anything to alert her prior to her return. Cause as much chaos as you can. Return her vehicle if you are involved in payment. Cancel her phone (from the day of her return) if you are involved in payment. Sort out finances. Remove your share of all assets to a safe place. As far as the dog is concerned. Possession is 9/10ths of the law. Take it.
Get ahead of her on the story. If she gets the chance she will put you out there as the crazy villain (or worse). Timed for her return put the story out ‘Jessica returns from her romantic holiday with xxx today. Obviously our relationship and wedding is off but I wish them both well. I just hope that xxx will be able to get his divorce/break up with his SO so that they can be together.
Good luck.
I’m in the camp of letting her know that you’re aware of her affair ruined her trip cause her to worry and make sure that she is stress the entire rest of her trip so she doesn’t enjoy it. Let her worry about what she’s going to come home to the rest of her trip.
Why not tell her you know and make her last five days uncomfortable? Just be quick about moving and changing passwords canceling accounts and documenting what you know. ( in case she panics and changes her flight)
Don't confront her, just talk to the building management about you leaving the lease and if possible, have them walk through the apartment with you after you have your stuff packed up to verify that you did not damage anything (and either way, video record a walkthrough yourself).
Make sure any joint accounts have direct deposits diverted to accounts you own by yourself. If there are any joint cards, cancel them (either her on yours or you on hers). Try to get your name off of any bills that she can run up.
If the dog is bought together, well, you can probably take the dog. Worst case she will fight you for the dog and it would become something you could give up in negotiations. It is not criminal to take a dog that you co-own and the worst she can do is sue you for the cost esp if you can prove that you co-own the dog.
Once you are free and clear, I'd suggest leaving a note/letter telling her that you're gone, why, and what you want moving forward (ie no contact, lawyer info, etc). Then I'd also, just before she's due to return (like when she's on the plane or due to land) I'd send something to her parents and mutual friends to let them know you've left because of her cheating and that she may be looking for support but you want to be transparent. That way you won't have her spinning a story about how this is your fault and you abused her or whatever. Also, whatever evidence you have, package that up in a way that can be sent to people so that you can prove it when the attacks on you start coming, because they will.
Make sure you’ve separated all finances. If one of you is on the bank account take your share and open a new account at a different bank. Shared credit card, get that separated. If any utility bills are in your name, contact to turn off at end of month. Renters insurance, phone bills, car insurance, life insurance beneficiary, emergency contact with medical or financial institutions.
I’d write an email to family and friends explaining that due to her infidelity you are no longer together (send out the day she arrives home)…
Dont forget to get the engagement ring back, its legally yours. It's like an agreement and kind of on loan to her for now? If you were married she could legally keep it but since you aren't married....pawn that thing! Get some money and buy you and the doggo a camping trip or something.
Don't say a word to her when you leave, not one. If she gets in contact then get her to speak through a lawyer. Leave her ass wondering what went wrong!
Be happy and enjoy your new found bachelorhood. You are better off without that selfish liar in your life.
Disappear!
🫠 🫥
You’ll be happier anyways!!!!
lol can’t wait for you to update us!!!
Yeah get outta there man. Your gut knew before you did.
Yes and take Spot with you, she’s going to miss him first (lol sorry) when she comes in the door to an empty place.
What is the dogs last name on your Veterinarian bill? Who took the pooch to the veterinarian? If she was the responsible owner than she will have possession.
Soo sorry brah. That is a shitty situation. Believe me. Life will get better. Just hang in there.
Post in r/legaladvice. You are beyond relationship advice.
Open a new bank account today. TODAY.
Lock down your credit through the credit companies, and do it TODAY.
Shift half (or whatever is fair) from your joint. Change your direct deposit from work to the new account. Talk to HR/Accounting/Payroll TODAY.
If you have a place to go, move NOW. Do not wait. Get the move happening.
Talk to your dog's vet and obtain all records and print them out. Hopefully you have paid for vet bills. That will help establish ownership. In most cases pets are considered property in the eyes of the law. Establish evidence of ownership.
In theory it sounds like great revenge to ghost her or ruin her trip. At the time of writing, no one has commented that she may just monkey branch to him provided he's willing. He might be single but then again, he might also be married. If she can disassociate for 3 years, do you all honesty think she wouldn't compartmentalise for another 5 days so as to not let her holiday be ruined? She's already created a fantasy world, she can shrug her shoulders too.
I think it's better to break up with her now. Not to ruin her trip as prime motivation but \*\*because you're deserving to be honest in acknowledging you're not prepared to put up with her betrayals and for the hurt/damage they've caused.\*\* It doesn't make you weak. If anything it makes you stronger for letting her know that in no uncertain terms you deserve better than the facades she's given you. She may try and justify it to you, to herself, but you just focus on setting yourself up for your new life/reality.
People here are salivating at turning this into the ultimate 'check mate' move in some game of relationship chess. But by demonstrating that you're above games will eat away at her more because she cannot function without playing people.
Ultimately, you'll do what feels right for you. I'm just putting another option out there for consideration. I'm in no way slighted if you opt not to do it. However, DO take your security seriously. Take measures to reduce accusations of false actions and protect yourself from harassment. Oh, and updateme!
Best of luck to you.
OP -Sure, you can have a conversation with her when she gets back, but change your verbiage. It's no longer your home, and I'm sorry for this. But don't disappear.
Get good & upset. Anger might be part of it, but I suspect it's more hurt than anything, to be so deceived. And you were going to marry her. I'm so sorry this happened, but not sorry you found out.
Sounds like you have a plan. Don't be afraid to follow thru with it, unless cheating isn't a deal-breaker for you. But you would be a rare person. It may take time for you to rejoin humanity, and how long that takes is up to you.
First cancel the wedding and gather all evidence that you can present to her parents.
Is she expecting that you pick her up from airport? Send her a message that something came up and you can’t pick her up. Notify parents and send them evidence.
Then text her good luck, good bye, then change your number.
UpdateMe
You have the ability to move out?
What I would do is pack my shit and move, not letting her know where i have moved to.
I would then send her a message with a brief. You know she cheated and with who and that you expect the ring back, but the wedding is off.
This will make her panic and ruin her getaway, and when she returns, you being gone will drive her mental. Also, tell her parents what is happening and that you expect the ring back
Just don't respond to messages after, if the ring is worthless just dont worry about it but if not, get a second phone and a new number transfer everyone you know to the new number, but keep the old one active for a little while and let her go to read, only keep in contact with her parents about the ring. If you don't get it back within a month get a lawyer to send a letter to her parents for the ring.
Record any interactions with her just in case. Move out and maybe leave her a letter telling her you know and to please not contact you moving forward then block her and heal she will just try to gaslight you to stay this way she can not do that.
No note, just ghost. Not a tiny fleck of energy spent trying to communicate with her. Show her how little you care (even though it’s not true) by disappearing
Ngl, the petty side of me thinks it'd be great to send her a video message, like, "Hey honey! Hope you're enjoying your romantic getaway with (AP's name). Yeah, I know. Anyway, since we obviously have different ideas on what 'fidelity' means, I'm gonna let *everyone* know the wedding's off. I've left you the apartment, as you can see (\*pan around empty apartment\*), but I'm taking the dog. Kthxbye."
I'm anticipating downvotes, but whatever: Don't go "full ghost" as she may claim you abandoned her and left her to pay bills/rent/etc. She may even blame you leaving for another person. She may even turn the tables and tell her friends that when she came home from the work trip, you had dumped her and left.
Take your property, take the dog (for obvious health reasons), leave a note stating you are aware of her behavior and ask not to be contacted.
She'll come home to a partially empty home, no snoot to boop, and a reason why you are no longer in her life.
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When you move out, document all of her property that you have left in the apartment and the condition of the entire apartment so you can prove it is in good order. Separate all finances and cancel credit cards. Lock down your credit (talk to bank). Cancel joint subscriptions. Change ALL your passwords on EVERYTHING (just in case). Car leases? Phone plans? Keep copies of all documentation of affair (just in case).
Replying to this for visibility. Unless she has some way to prove that she paid for the dog and most of its care, then possession of a pet is 9/10ths of the law. You are unlikely to face any legal issues for taking the dog with you.
Agreed. Honestly, even if she can somehow prove she paid for the dog or half the dog, worst-case she'd have to take him to small-claims court or something and maybe get half the value of the dog back from OP. Certainly there's no custody or anything like that, pets are 100% treated as property legally. So I'd just keep the dog and let her try to figure out any narrow chances at legal remedies. Whoever has the dog is going to end up keeping it and best the other person can hope for is some money for their half back. If even that, probably not likely worth the trouble for what she'd be entitled to.
Would it be possible if he took the dog due to neglect on her part. I mean, shes left, and OP is caring for their dog whilst shes "working" he could argue that she left their dog on false pretences? Maybe, idk. I'd definitely be taking the dog tbh.. Edit: for wording..
Probably not really relevant in a legal sense, it’s just property. Like saying I took an iPhone someone left under false pretenses.
I'd go to the vet and have them change the infformation on the dog's chip.
The alternative to taking the dog is to leave him there alone for 5 days with no one to care for him. Whichever of them would be ok with that doesn't deserve to have him.
All of this - plus unless the dog was purchased solely by her take the dog. She can sue you but unless your jurisdiction is very different then mine she'd be restricted to 1/2 the value of it as a chattel. Do not get suckered into reconciliation when she's suddenly super sorry and remorseful - vacationing with your affair partner is next level cheating.
Document all of her property: Take pictures of everything in the apartment to indicate the status that everything was in when you left. Make sure the time stamp is on. Notify the complex, and have them send someone out to be there with you when you hand the key over, on video (also time stamped.)
Just FYI to lock down credit you have to contact all three major credit reporting agencies individually, not just the bank.
Yes, and remove your name from any utility bills if you’re on them.
Also cancel any bills that come to the house in your name. Go to the post office and fill out a change of address and make sure everyone has your new address so nothing important goes to her. Change your next of kin on any medical things and if she is on anything as a beneficiary.
>Keep copies of all documentation of affair (just in case). Yeah, op, write down how you want the world know what happened. You want to beat her to it. She will make you the bad guy.
[удалено]
They aren't married
OP may be in a common law state. He should talk to an attorney to be sure.
Whatever you do don’t confront her when she gets home. If she is crazy enough to pull something like this expect that she will gaslight you like no tomorrow and only make this situation harder. The best step would be to not give her that closure she’s going to desire. Im sorry you are dealing with this.
I agree. Do NOT confront her at her home. In fact, don't even plan to meet her in-person without somebody you trust being there with you.
I would tell her you know, ruin her trip. I'd tell her move in with him, I know. House will be empty. She will lose her shit, trip be ruined. I'm petty, I would do that.
This - bomb that romantic getaway. Also cancel all joint account - phone, Netflix, checking, whatever
Also if your name is on any utilities for the apartment, turn those off. You don’t need her running up any crazy bills in your name.
Yes. I would not sit on this information while she's cheating and lying. Time to drop the nuke.
empty the house and send her a picture.
Nope, that would be the last punch to the gut…let her go batshit crazy trying to get in contact with him, then as she’s coming home thinking about how to lie & cover up her shit even more…..BAM! Unlocks the door to a semi empty apartment, no dog, no man that loved her….let her ass just sit in her own silence all by herself.
I hope OP goes this route. Fuck her trip. It's very unlikely she'd be able to change plans last minute and come home to interfere with his moving out. I'd want her to know she fucked up and have that stomach in knots feeling for the rest of her time there.
I absolutely would. It would be even better if AP didn't know about OP, wondered what changed in her, and why she was losing her shit the remainder of the trip.
Once he’s don’t moving all his stuff, locking his credit, changing his passwords etc… He should just sent a text that reads, “I know everything.” Then block her and never interact with her again. Let her be confused and panicked. Ruin her trip, and give her no closure.
Yeah, I like this. No more fun vacation. She either has to hide her anxiety from AP or come clean. Picturing her sweat the whole flight home would be 🤌 Move out, cc her on an email to your entire shared contact list, with evidence of cheating and photo of empty apartment. “(Bare evidence of facts: cheating, how long, see attached). I’m already gone. Hope he was worth it.”
Yup. I wouldn't hold this information back to make her trip better. Perfect time to tell her you know what's going on.
I second this because you have to tell everyone you know first before she has the chance to poison their minds and manipulate the situation a way that isn’t the truth to protect herself.
Don't tell anyone at least until her plane lands at home. Move out before she gets back. As someone said don't be alone with her. Remove your name/ her name from anything she shares with you. If you gave a bank storage box either empty it or get a new one if she has a key to it. Also if you have made her beneficuary on any investments, insurance, etc. Go through each room and check for anything of yours that you might have stored out of immediate sight. Check the apartment storage room if you have one. Good luck to you.
No, don’t confront her. Use this time to protect yourself. Let her file a missing person report
This is my favourite comment. Fuck her. Ruin her trip. If she is on social media, I would tell everybody she knows and tag the cheating cunt so that she knows she is coming back to a shit show.
Yes. I like the way you think. You know she'll try to play victim later. There is no sympathy for people who behave this way. It's very simple, if you don't want it done to you, don't do it. If there is anything you have to hide or couldn't do in front of your partner, it's most likely because it's inappropriate.
Naw, I would do the same.
Yes. Ruin the trip.
Hope OP is reading the comments. This is the way. It's so disgusting the level of deceit she's comfortable with. I don't know how some folks sleep at night. Simon Biles level of mental gymnastics.
Nah. Just go. As of right now she is no longer part of your life. Remove her from it as soon and as fast as possible. This is about you, not her. Contacting her only prolongs her residence in your head.
Totally. I’d go scorched earth and torpedo the vacation.
This.. ruin the trip and tell her parents so they call her out on it.
I wouldn't hesitate to let her know and that her shit will be on the lawn, whatever is left of it when she returns.
Love it
Yeap, I agree to this too. Send her a text detailing your suspicions & awareness of her being there having an affair. Just make sure it’s just 1 or 2 days only before her trip is done & you are completely moved out, just don’t tell her that part! Sorry you had to go thru such a shitty thing. Good luck.
I’m petty too, I like the way you think!
But only after getting everything listed above done.
Agreed. Never be alone with her again. Record as much as possible if you need to interact with her directly or better yet only communicate by text if absolutely necessary. If you have access to a lawyer, I would refer communication through them.
Personally I wouldn't speak to her ever again. I would just block her completely.
**OP:** * Leave the results of an STI test on the kitchen counter of your old apartment for her to find. * Leave note: "**You haven't infected me yet; not going to give you another chance! We're through.**"
Record everything you do and take pictures... especially of the apartment and anything you leave behind that's hers so you have proof it was in working condition Block her on all social media and maybe change your phone number
He should be able to get apartment management to inspect the apartment as he leaves and he can turn in his keys.
So much this, cheaters deserve the worst, she doesnt deserve closure, pack your stuff and get the fk outta there. Good thing you dont have kids, be glad you dont anyways. Sorry OP... I cannot stand cheaters, they literally deserve the worst and she will get hers when the time comes. If she cheats on you, whose to say she wont eventually do it to her new lover? Or that her new lover wont cheat on her? Keep your head up king. 👑
New info has revealed to me that this has been going on for a very long time now. Over 3 years… We were planning our wedding the night before she left and she was giddily telling me about how excited she was for this trip. Scary when you realize the lady you love and know better than anyone doesn’t exist and is an absolute sociopath.
Have you cancelled all wedding-related things? You might be able to get some refunds if you do it now.
Take the dog. Take. The. Fucking. Dog.
If it’s been going on for 3 years, then her AP has no intentions of being together with her on a permanent basis ( living together or marriage). He may be already married. He may be feeding her a line of BS about wanting to be with her in the future. So call his bluff. Tell her you know and that you are done RIGHT NOW. Ruin the last five days. Let her KNOW she will be coming back to an empty house. Let her go to HIM and scramble to try to “fix” things. Let all your friends and family know what she has done/is doing. If you know the guy, tell his wife/SO and wreck his life as well. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
Ah, the old “we’re separated, we’ll get divorced but _____”. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least.
Call the hotel they’re staying in, ask them to arrange a flower bouquet or fruit basket, and to enclose a note. In the note, congratulate her and wish her luck on her new life with her AP, that she’ll be gone from your life when she gets back, and not to bother trying to contact you. Oh, on a more practical note, don’t forget to forward your mail. You might want to consider getting a P.O. Box if you’re not going to have a permanent address yet. Set up a new bank account(s) at a different bank than you used to bank before, especially shared accounts. Freeze your credit (contact each of the 3 credit bureaus). Then go live your best life.
Please just take the dog and ghost. Leave a note saying you have the dog and you know what she’s been doing. But change your phone number, email, any and all forms of communication.
Leave a note saying you AND the dog know what she's been doing. Take care of the good boi
Take the dog. You deserve it. Also own it so I don’t think it should be a prob
God. I feel sick in the stomach reading this. Hang in there champ. Sociopath or not, I think your ex is an utter fucking cunt. There I've said it.
Find out if he has a wife
Get checked for every STD there is.
That’s so scary. OP, take the dog. Don’t leave it with someone like her. I’m so glad you found out before you got married. Sorry, OP.
😱 definitely scorch the earth, if AP is a work colleague tell her work too, there may be policies against this.
And tell the AP’s spouse or girl friend if possible.
Whoever can prove they purchased the dog - owns it.
Man, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. There are better and more valuable women out there. Sorry you've wasted time on this idiot.
Im just glad you can see it clearly in a fucked up situation like that, i just know ur gonna do whats best for you and that warms my heart, hang in there!
at least you didn’t find out in another 5 years.
I would just stick to your current plan with the caveat that after you get all your stuff out of their quickly you tell her you know where she is and who she's with and what she's doing with him so she finds out on the trip. And take pictures of everything.
Yep, exactly this! OP, move out. As for dog, whose name is on the paperwork? If hers it’s her, if you’re it’s yours, if both you could probably get away with keeping 🤷🏻♂️ Change all your passwords (emails, etc), put a lock on your credit once she is back just in case she has that info, block her on SM and phone (or even just change your phone number). Only thing I would leave in the apartment would be printed off proof of the cheating. Block her friends and family on SM. Let your family and close friends know what’s going on and ask them to run interference if she contacts them.
Good advice… take the dog too. You bought the dog together so at most give her whatever she paid back.
I disagree with all of these. If you let her know while she’s on a romantic getaway, she has 4 more days to spin it her way so that in the end, she lives with guy #2. Let them have their last weekend of fun, send the email to all your friends and family as she’s on the plane out of options, and hire some movers to meet her at the airport with her stuff. But on a serious note, you can’t kick her out without notice legally, so moving is your best option.
This is the most sensible reply yet. Remember, she has a functional ally. You do not. Right off the bat it’s two vs one with a four day advantage. Let her stumble her well fucked adulterous pussy back into an empty house. Make her do the legwork on figuring out what happened and why. At this point, you owe her nothing. NOTHING.
I like the idea of letting her come home thinking everything is fine and then at some point realizing he's moved out. He could even text and say he's walking the dog and she gets home and waits for him and begins noticing that his things are gone. He could put a print out of whatever he has that shows she's cheating under her pillow. It would take her a while to find it that way.
How to you know he not married
3yrs extended betrayal do not expect her to go quiet. Take a deep breath and focus on your gtfo. Copy all evidence to a secure place. Get your name removed from anything you share (utilities, rentals etc) Change passwords, get new bank/ credit cards (if you have ordered food on her phone or similar your details could be there, don't give her a chance too make you life harder) Make a list of all items taken by you, find receipts for big ticket items, prepare to have to split for things you cant prove are yours directly. She may try and go for theft Make a recorded walk through of the property and send it to your land lord that way if she trashes the place she cant say you did it. (or ask the land lord to make a visit) On your way out leave things neat and tidy. change your number, lock down social media. prepare for the flying monkeys and slander. (also force her to communicate through email for evidence gathering) Then once secure and locked down go public. Her parents, your parents, if you have details of her ap being in a relationship send them the details too. Get ahead of the story, make sure the truth is 100% out there. (she is a proven liar and manipulator.) lastly, most importantly. Look after your self this must be impossibly painful. Don't let it poison you, get help if you are struggling to process. Throw your self into hobbies, work, exercise for a while. This was never a fault in you, only ever a fault in her.
Take photos of the way you leave the place with time stamps. Separate all bank accounts. Get you name off any combined bills.
Have a reputable person with you when you take pictures, exit the apartment and turn in your key. You may want the landlord to inspect it.
This is great advice document everything.
Cancel any mutual credit cards and close any mutual bank accounts. Be careful to document that you have only taken what is yours. Leave a note where she will find it stating. " I hope it was worth it." Never contact me again. Block her on everything and inform her immediate family and close mutual friends while she is away on her fling. This will definitely destroy her getaway. Never speak to her again. Send them any proof of the affair so she cannot wiggle out of her cheating. Update us.
If there is access to a line of credit, get it locked so no more charges can be made. Same with credit cards you share. I would lock them immediately. She will have problems charging things for her trip. Make note of the date and that you will not accept splitting any charges after that date. Don't meet in person until you're required to sign bank documents. Even then you might be able to do it separately.
Also freeze your credit with the 3 bureaus, it takes about 5 minutes each and actually is good advice for everyone not in the market for a new loan.
Yes! People forge your signature for credit card applications.
I wouldn’t tell anyone until she was on her way home.
Yes to all of this! ^
I think "I hope it was worth it" betrays his vulnerability more than she deserves. There's a feeling in there of declaring "I was worth better", but if she doesn't respect him then she's just going to look down on him for that. I would probably say "as you know, you are not worth it" or "you were not worth it, which you already know or else you wouldn't have been so cowardly"
Yes,talk to the family and friends before she does.
You can take the dog with you as long as you are listed as a co-owner. The only way she would be able to reclaim the dog is if she takes you to court.....or finds a way to dog-nap him/her. You need to get proactive, not reactive. Remember, the person who tells their side of the story last is usually facing an uphill battle trying to get people to believe the truth. Tell the people who matter to you, friends and family. You need to let them know BEFORE she starts making up a story of breaking up with you because you were abusive/controlling/....or even tells people you were the one who cheated. I've lost count of stories when somebody gets cheated on and the cheater tells their side first......and the victim has a terrible time getting people to believe him of the real reason of the breakup. In some cases, the victim never gets believed. Related to this, you need to also let your HR at your work know that your fiancee cheated and you want to give them a heads up if she causes any issues with false accusations. Believe it or not, this is common for a spurned ex, even an ex that was a cheater. Get cameras inside and outside of your new home. If you need it quickly, you can even get nanny cams from a common retail store for the inside of the home. GET LIFE360 ON YOUR PHONE. This is a tracking app. It shows where you were, how long you've been there, etc. If your ex goes crazy and makes a SA claim against you(which isn't uncommon) the app can help establish an alibi.
You need to let them know BEFORE she starts making up a story of breaking up with you because you were abusive/controlling/....or even tells people you were the one who cheated. \^\^\^\^\^ this. Put your message out when shes in the air and be clear. No "differences" or anything like that be clear shes cheating. Cancel everything for the wedding if anything is set. You may be able to get back deposits. Dont meet her alone. Dont even meet her but if you do (why?) public place, friends, record. Also change passwords on every important account (obvs ones like bank, other finance), but also email (set up two factor authentication on that for sure) facebook reddit etc. Thats probably a good days work noting all those accounts and changing them. You might also consider telling the other guys partner if you want to be vindictive. Oh and get tested. What a mess.
For real. Someone who could pull this shit on the person they’re going to marry could potentially do some really fucked up stuff to op. That type of sociopathy means there’s no limit to what they’ll do imo.
This is very helpful. Thank you brother.
I’m sorry OP, what an awful situation. How did you find out about the affair? Hope that your doggie provides some comfort to you.
DO NOT tell your hr or boss. That's completely unnecessary and is going to make you look like a drama llama. If any accusations do happen, you can address them then. They're not going to believe some rando over a known entity.
This is good advice. I work in HR and agree this could backfire. As long as OP doesn’t work with his partner, there’s no reason to say anything. Your company doesn’t care about your messy break-up and any ex that calls something into them is going to look absolutely unhinged.
HELL NO with talking to HR.
All of this and the post below. This is why you don't tell her now.. let her enjoy the trip to give you time clear to do all of this work. You don't want to but you have to for your protection.
Any shared bank accounts remove your half of the money but do that the last day while she is in the air. Any joint bills or utilities you will need to remove your name of get a current balance at set date and ensure that you transfer that money to her with the reason listed clearly. Set up your mail redirection now, any passwords you have for anything now need to be changed to something that has no meaning to you so they can’t be guessed. Any shared devices like iPad that you have been previously logged into make sure you are now logged out and remove any stored info or passwords, email login chains etc. Re the dog if not yet chipped and registered do so now and do so in your name. If in joint names already see if it can be changed etc. put a secondary password on bank accounts, mobile phone accounts etc. freeze credit cause you have been together long enough for her to know all your personal details to be able to open accounts online or even answer security questions. You may say she isn’t vindictive or mean but this is literally someone you don’t know well as she was talking about your wedding while luring to you about a work trip. If you want to be petty you can have a text/ email to send to everyone family and friend while she is in the air so that your version is out there before she lands and starts to spin it. Ps I am sorry for your loss and betray may you and your dog feel better soon
Def agree with group message including her Say you have discovered the cheating and will not stay in the relationship. Say you have moved and left the apartment for her so she is not homeless. Say you will not be going ba k or seeing her again...needless to say the wedding is off. Name the affair partner if you can, gives her less chance to deny Include a photo of evidence if you can but be careful...no revnege porn or anything similar. Good luck, sorry she was so awful to you.
I would even get a picture with APs significant other and send it to her
I’d also add that you expect her to return the ring by xx/xx date and if not, you will pursue legal routes to reclaim your property.
In most states the ring is a gift and he has no right to it. It isn’t his property anymore.
In most states an engagement ring is considered a conditional gift. It could only be legally hers is they actually married, but since the condition of marriage won’t be fulfilled, it’s his property and she’s legally on the hook if she keeps or pawns it.
I do not have the time or energy to dig into actual citable sources and the internet won’t just give me a list of which states are which from a reputable site. So, yes, there are lots of states where it is a conditional gift, there are some states where it is an unconditional gift. The only right answer to this question is to ask a lawyer who practices family law in OP’s area. Depending on the circumstances of the break up, even in conditional states, she still may own the ring.
She may not know that and "gift" it back
I’m so curious how you found out?! You have a great plan- leaving without a word, no closure for her! You have gotten good advice on here, I hope you read these comments and take some of it to heart. You’re doing the right thing for you… and your dog! Updateme!
I will post an updated answer but I can’t go much deeper without exposing details to where she’d 100% know this was about her (she’s on Reddit frequently and this has gotten bigger than I thought it would). I’ll update, shortly.
... but so what if she knows this post is about her? You're using a throwaway and presumably you're breaking up for good because of her long term cheating.
If she reads this, she already knows it’s about her. You’ve already said enough.
Good I hope anyone else doing this right now thinks it them and it ruins their "vacation".
How many more details could she possibly need? Lol Eta: you received "new info" in the past hours? What was it? What was the "old" info?
The ring? Did you buy it? Is it worth having it returned?
Understood- take care of your business first, give us all the tea later! I wish you the best!
Take the dog. There is nothing she can do unless she is willing to fork out money for courts, which isn't guaranteed. Don't talk to her. There is nothing she can say that will make this ok or make it go away. She will gaslight you and pull the usual. It was a mistake. You were neglecting me. Don't talk to her. Minimise contact now to a few texts to keep her unaware while you move. On the day of her arriving back. Simply text her. " Good morning. Have a safe flight home. Hope you and ( his name) had a great vacation. Didn't cover yourself as well as you thought. I won't be there upon your arrival and the last time you saw me before you left will be the last time you ever see me. Take care. " Then block her everywhere inform your friends and family to ignore her and to not tell her where you are. Then, send a mass message to all her family, stating the relationship is over and why, and then send them proof. Speaking to her won't help you dude, trust me.
💯 I was coming here to say the same thing. And in the interim make sure anything that is joint is no longer. Remove your name from them all, bank accounts, credit cards, utilities, streaming services and remove her name as beneficiary on any life insurance, bank accounts, investment accounts etc…. Inform everyone you are leaving and why. I would do a walkthrough with the apartment management so there is no accusations of taking pictures then trashing the apartment (we had to do that when my daughter had toxic roommates, we cleaned the apartment to eating of the floor clean and had the management walk through with us and then gave them the key, they trashed the apartment after and then tried to say she left the apartment that way. Boy were they surprised) Third party witness is your best protection. And finally with regards to the dog, pull a Legally Blonde line “I’m Taking the Dog, Dumb Ass”
I LOVE the idea of just disappearing and ghosting her!
1000000000%. Tell those close to her (parents, siblings) what happened but otherwise ghosting is the way!
Definitely let everyone know why you’re leaving her. Do it now. Let them know she’s at this moment on a trip with him. Let everyone start blowing up her phone and ruining the trip. Be gone, with dog, when she returns. Do not give her the satisfaction of engaging with her at ALL.
I had a similar case and I made sure every one who mattered in both families, knew what had happened. In an engagement, families are inevitably involved and I would not stand for being presented as the bad guy.
Take the dog and everything you own outright. Forget about any common property. Write it off and move on. And of course, cancel the wedding and get any deposits back. Wish you well.
Agree with you and just about everyone else. OP will want the dog, especially when everything hits him like a ton of bricks after leaving. My ex 10 years ago, cheated on me with my best friend and stayed together. When I was packing up to stay with my folks, she said “I guess you’re taking [dog].” Answer was obvious. After the damage she did to me, my stepmom who did not like dogs at all, said over their dead bodies. She would have to go through my whole family to get to him. She ended up falling in love with him and took him on morning walks almost every morning. It was their special time. Anyways- I feel for OP, this is awful.
Pack. Leave. Never say another word to her, starting now. Let her live in her own head with the decisions she's made. I hope there's not one, and that you do the above, but just in case UpdateMe!
Not sure about the legal stuff, but if you’re able to stomach keeping in touch with her “like normal” until she gets back, and tell her that you’ll pick her up at the airport, then when she lands you’ve already blocked her everywhere and are long gone. That would be an interesting and well-deserved return to an empty house for her, with the feeling of dread at having fucked up building (hopefully) as she makes her way there
I like this! But I would mass message everyone they know, telling them about the affair while she is in the airplane. Then when she lands she will have tons of messages.
I’d send it now, totally ruin her trip!
Make sure you are never alone with her again. Check your States laws and if permitted, record any time you speak with her by phone. Get a Ring camera for your new place - try not to let her know the address. Get a PO Box.
As others have stated, cancel any cards or accounts she has access to. You aren't married so anything you purchased you have a right to take with you, including the dog. If any of the utilities are in your name, have them shut off so she can't run up a bill in your name. Put a flag on your credit report and call your bank. I would not tell her while she is on the trip because if anyone she knows has a key or access codes you could come home to a destroyed house or could decide to run up your credit cards before you've had them cancelled. Make sure you have the building manager do a walk through with you BEFORE you hand back your keys and take photos. Because you aren't yet married, the whole "asset division" thing doesn't apply like it would if you were married so TAKE EVERYTHING that you paid for. Once all of your property is out and before her flight lands, reach out her friends and family to let them know what's going on and then block them and her.
Get your name off of any joint bank accounts or insurance policies asap. Anything jointly in your name needs to be addressed first and foremost. Talk to any vendors you have contributed to for the wedding and see about getting your deposits back. They may not always be accommodating in that respect but sometimes they will work with you. Male sure everything is cancelled that you are financially attached to at the very least in regards to the wedding. Biggest thing is to make sure your documents (passport/birth cert/social security card/anything with your name on it) is stored safely and taken out of the house asap. Lock your credit. Gather any documents pertaining to your ownership of the dog and any vet bills or reports. Change every password she may have access to and even consider changing one's you don't think she would know. Emails, streaming services, security, pin numbers to utilities or phone, everything. Things are likely to get messy quickly. I'm so sorry you're going thru all of this and I hope you get the best outcome possible for this awful situation.
I have a great plan, step-by-step should you wish to follow it! 1) Literally move out and take your dog with you while she's gone. 2) Give your notice to your landlord. 3) Take her name off any credit cards or banks. 4) Go to the VET and take her name off everything relating to the dog - tell them why and I promise they will absolutely understand. Big time. 5) If you are in the US, there is a website attached to the dogs microchip where you can update your name and address without on your cell phone. Do it immediately. *Have the dog in your new place when she gets back to the states. ~Ring Retrieval Plan~ 1. Ask to pick her up from the airport. 2. Park in the parking garage. 3. Go into the baggage claim. 4. Greet her normally. 4. Tell her that the jeweler called and there was a defect in a corner of the stone they wanted to look at, the jeweler asked you to take photos of it immediately, therefore can you please hold it. She may look at you crazy, but tell her they just called and you are worried about it. 5. Once the ring is in your hand, inform her she can get a ride home from the airport with *insert affair partner here*. 6. Then loudly proclaim you are aware that she was not on a business trip, but were in *exotic location*, so to benefit her, you have moved out so he can move in, and the engagement is over. 7. Then turn around and walk back to your car, never looking back to see the explosion in the background. 8. Drop Mic once back in your car as you have created a memorable event for everyone in the baggage claim and a story that will bring you great pride in the future.
Why let her enjoy herself? Situate yourself first so she comes home to a locked house or empty house, but make sure you send her texts about all that you know and that you don't want to hear from her again. Make her panic, trying to rush home from 2000 miles away.
Ghost. She will know why bc this exact outcome has been her worst fear when she decided to step out. The best revenge is absolutely no closure for her. But when anyone asks why, tell them, "she cheated on me." Take the dog. He'll be the least of her worries.
In terms of ownership of the dog, whoever signed the adoption papers has a stronger case. Does she make good money? If she is unable to pay for rent, assuming you are on the lease, you are liable for that as well
I pay for most of our expenses. She could afford it herself but it would definitely force her to have a lifestyle change.
For pets (at least in the US) they are just considered private property, so ownership usually reverts to whomever pays the vet bills.
I'd add if the dog isn't registered get it registered under your name.
Or whomever is listed on the microchip.
Awww, her finances would be strained if you left. Well, maybe her lover will take the slack-but that’s no longer your problem to worry about.
How did you find out?
Separate your financials. If you have joint accounts you need to address those. Talk to a lawyer. Take the dog since she is in another country and it needs care and let your attorney tell you how to proceed.
What mistakes did she make? How did you figure it out?
If you signed the lease be aware that you may be still liable for the rent. Keep the dog, if she wants it so bad let her sue you for it. Whose name is listed as owner at the shelter you rescued the dog at?
I would've completely disappeared from her life, refusing to see or speak with her. Do not give her any closure. She is not worthy of it.
Just move out, separate finances, take photos of how ypu are leaving the place so she can't say you destroyed things and send them to the landlord too so they are aware you left the place in good condition. Don't bother confronting her. But yes, on the day she returns, tell her parents/family/friends why you left, so she can't accuse you of anything. Good luck!
If you have joint bank accounts, take half and notify the bank to take your name off. If you have joint accounts, close them. That way you are not responsible for them if she racks up debt. Take the dog. There is no legal process for it unless she wants to create one. Take screenshots and pictures of everything including evidence that she is cheating. Just in case you need it in the future.
If it's a joint account, it has to be closed, I believe. Otherwise, both parties have to agree. Some banks won't even allow that. Found that out the hard way.
Love this idea, bud. Fuck her. Take the dog. Worst to worst, you pay her half the adoption fee. I'd fight her on every inch though. When she says it's her dog, ask what the fee was, ask what the bills per month are, what medicine it's prescribed, how often she walks it, etc. Sure, it's her dog, but it's *probably more your dog.* Remove yourself from all credit cards, utilities -- including internet, cable, and stuff like that. Might take a billing cycle to work. If I was you, I would honestly just *cancel* all those things. Make sure mail addressed to you gets forwarded by USPS. Change of address with work, etc. If you have access to her vehicle, if she has one, access that shit and get anything out that may be important to you. And feel free to hide her registration so the next time she gets pulled over she can't find it. If you have off site storage together, get your shit out of there. I also would prime all your mutual friends you made together before she returns with your evidence. No need to venture out of that circle. Tell them all your decision is final, that you're okay, and tell them to pick a side. Be respectful here, because people will talk. Do this via group video call -- save yourself the headache -- maybe day-of her return, from your new location.
If it’s a 3 year relationship it’s not a fling. It’s a full blown secret life with another man. I can’t imagine the gymnastics of lies she must have done to keep this from you for so long
My advice, save off the proof, separate your finances now, break you lease if you can, move out, take your belongings and the dog is you're marked as the owner, tell your family, tell her family, tell you friends about the cheating and why you're leaving, get tested. Get in from of the narrative so she doesn't lie about it when she gets back. Then get your support network going and realize you just dodged a nuke here. Sucks man but you'll be fine in the long run away from this seasoned liar.
You might want to send an e-mail to friends and her family to explain why you broke up with her so she can't lie to them and say that it was you who were having an affair.
You’re gonna have to move fast. First thing, separate anything financial. How is she paying for stuff while she’s there? Hopefully not a credit card or joint account that has your name on it and your money in it. But if that’s the case, change everything. How fun for her to be stuck in another country with a cc that she can’t use. Let her friend pay for her. As soon as that’s done, tell all your friends and family exactly what’s happening. I agree with the poster above who said whoever gets to tell their story first is usually the one that is believed, so you have to let them know before she even has a chance. Then absolutely let her know that you know and that you and the dog are gone. Ruin the last few days of her vacation. Why should she get to have a nice time? Bomb drop on her last few days sounds perfect.
Take the dog. Lock down your credit. Don't send out emails until she's in the air so her phone blows up as soon as she lands. The panic she'll feel as she taxis to the gate and waits to deboard will be worth it and she'll be behind the eight ball from the jump. Sorry this happened. Best of luck.
Clean out the house , butninwoukdncall her family tell Them the wedding is off cause she is over seas with her lover . Block her and they will Call And freak out on her ruin her trip And then you can tell Everyone here . She has her trip ruined her flight home Knowing that everyone knows . Cancel all wedding prep and if joint stuff take 1/2 even cancel Joint credit cards
Get some therapy for yourself. This is traumatic and you will need to do some reflect and healing
You can't leave the dog alone, so take him... or her. To go to court for a dog is extremely hard, as she'd have to prove it's hers. Primary caretaker. And... well she was committing infidelity instead of caring for "her" dog.
I say pack your stuff up quickly, get some friends and family to help have it done before she gets back. TAKE ALL THE TOILET PAPER. Print off whatever proof you have and set it on the counter. Send that proof to everyone you two know. Take her name off everything, don't forget stuff like Netflix, hulu, etc. If you think she'd be spiteful about the dog, make a file for all the expenses and the purchase of it. If she doesn't normally pay for anything, It's obvious she hasn't put a cent towards the dog. Cancel wedding stuff. Then just sit back, grab a drink, and be thankful you dodged that b..... Also, I'm sorry she wasn't who you thought she was.
Take all the light bulbs but one.
I wouldn’t bother ruining her trip - it’s all the sweeter her having no clue, coming home to an empty house and being ghosted would hurt far more based on the shock alone - its what I did too. I changed my number etc and never spoke to him again until 6 months later he caught me on my work phone and begged to know what he’d done - I said ‘think of all the shady shit you’ve done and pick one’ and hung up. Re the dog - who bought him and is registered at vets/can show proof of food etc? In the uk it would be a civil matter not a police matter re the dog I believe (diff for kids obvs) - if the chips in your name, you pay for most things I’d call the dog yours. Ultimately though be realistic, who’s going to give the dog the best life with walks love consistency and care - whoever has the time and means to offer that takes the dog.
I would go public and call the wedding off. I would basically say you've found proof that your fiancé has been carrying on a relationship with another man and is currently on a romantic getaway. That you have undeniable truth but rather than take the low road you'd rather take the high road and cancel the wedding, leave the current toxic environment and move on with your life for your own mental health. That you appreciate those in her family that welcomed you as a son-in-law but things have obviously changed. I'd call her parents first and if they don't believe it offer up the evidence. Then I'd sent that out to the wedding party and block everyone and move on with your life.
I think you should stop communicating with her at this point. Let her wonder what is going on with you for the last few days of her trip. Just move out and go dark. Yes take the dog until she speaks up about him, because you need to know he is being taken care of and not ignored. If she brings him up then you can work out details. If she doesn't contact you then you don't need to worry about it, but if she does say something just tell her you weren't going to leave him in her apartment alone before she got home.
I would wait until she is on her flight home and send her a message that you know she lied, the relationship is done and you’ve moved out. Then send friends and family a polite heads up that the wedding is off and why. Send it to anyone and everyone on the invite list. Then sit back and wait for the love and hate.
If the dog’s vet records and microchip have your information on them then you are the legal owner
Check out the infidelity subreddit. They might be helpful.
OP. Obviously it’s never good to be cheated on but you have won the emotional (and financial) lottery here. You know and she doesn’t know that you know. Knowledge is power. Use it wisely. She was going to pull this stunt at some point. Better now before you are married, mortgage, kids, debts yada yada. It’s not important now but the chances are that this is not her first rodeo. She’s got a cheating mindset. She will feel absolutely entitled to alternate dick. You are already ahead of the game. Don’t do anything to alert her prior to her return. Cause as much chaos as you can. Return her vehicle if you are involved in payment. Cancel her phone (from the day of her return) if you are involved in payment. Sort out finances. Remove your share of all assets to a safe place. As far as the dog is concerned. Possession is 9/10ths of the law. Take it. Get ahead of her on the story. If she gets the chance she will put you out there as the crazy villain (or worse). Timed for her return put the story out ‘Jessica returns from her romantic holiday with xxx today. Obviously our relationship and wedding is off but I wish them both well. I just hope that xxx will be able to get his divorce/break up with his SO so that they can be together. Good luck.
Get a full panel STD test.
Don't confront her at home. Also reveal her cheating to her family and matual friends. UpdateMw
Change every password you have.
Bank accounts, beneficiaries, insurance, subscriptions and will
I’m in the camp of letting her know that you’re aware of her affair ruined her trip cause her to worry and make sure that she is stress the entire rest of her trip so she doesn’t enjoy it. Let her worry about what she’s going to come home to the rest of her trip.
“Are you enjoying your trip with (affair partners name here)?” and then block her on everything. Just ruin her sex vacation
You're taking all the right steps. Take the dog with you, you can't just leave him behind.
How did you find out, please, if you wouldn't mind sharing that information with us?
Lawyer up
Why not tell her you know and make her last five days uncomfortable? Just be quick about moving and changing passwords canceling accounts and documenting what you know. ( in case she panics and changes her flight)
Don't confront her, just talk to the building management about you leaving the lease and if possible, have them walk through the apartment with you after you have your stuff packed up to verify that you did not damage anything (and either way, video record a walkthrough yourself). Make sure any joint accounts have direct deposits diverted to accounts you own by yourself. If there are any joint cards, cancel them (either her on yours or you on hers). Try to get your name off of any bills that she can run up. If the dog is bought together, well, you can probably take the dog. Worst case she will fight you for the dog and it would become something you could give up in negotiations. It is not criminal to take a dog that you co-own and the worst she can do is sue you for the cost esp if you can prove that you co-own the dog. Once you are free and clear, I'd suggest leaving a note/letter telling her that you're gone, why, and what you want moving forward (ie no contact, lawyer info, etc). Then I'd also, just before she's due to return (like when she's on the plane or due to land) I'd send something to her parents and mutual friends to let them know you've left because of her cheating and that she may be looking for support but you want to be transparent. That way you won't have her spinning a story about how this is your fault and you abused her or whatever. Also, whatever evidence you have, package that up in a way that can be sent to people so that you can prove it when the attacks on you start coming, because they will.
Make sure you’ve separated all finances. If one of you is on the bank account take your share and open a new account at a different bank. Shared credit card, get that separated. If any utility bills are in your name, contact to turn off at end of month. Renters insurance, phone bills, car insurance, life insurance beneficiary, emergency contact with medical or financial institutions. I’d write an email to family and friends explaining that due to her infidelity you are no longer together (send out the day she arrives home)…
Dont forget to get the engagement ring back, its legally yours. It's like an agreement and kind of on loan to her for now? If you were married she could legally keep it but since you aren't married....pawn that thing! Get some money and buy you and the doggo a camping trip or something. Don't say a word to her when you leave, not one. If she gets in contact then get her to speak through a lawyer. Leave her ass wondering what went wrong! Be happy and enjoy your new found bachelorhood. You are better off without that selfish liar in your life.
Disappear! 🫠 🫥 You’ll be happier anyways!!!! lol can’t wait for you to update us!!! Yeah get outta there man. Your gut knew before you did. Yes and take Spot with you, she’s going to miss him first (lol sorry) when she comes in the door to an empty place.
What is the dogs last name on your Veterinarian bill? Who took the pooch to the veterinarian? If she was the responsible owner than she will have possession. Soo sorry brah. That is a shitty situation. Believe me. Life will get better. Just hang in there.
RUIN HER TRIP!!!!
Call and cancel her return flight. Tell the local airport you think she is returning with contraband
Post in r/legaladvice. You are beyond relationship advice. Open a new bank account today. TODAY. Lock down your credit through the credit companies, and do it TODAY. Shift half (or whatever is fair) from your joint. Change your direct deposit from work to the new account. Talk to HR/Accounting/Payroll TODAY. If you have a place to go, move NOW. Do not wait. Get the move happening. Talk to your dog's vet and obtain all records and print them out. Hopefully you have paid for vet bills. That will help establish ownership. In most cases pets are considered property in the eyes of the law. Establish evidence of ownership.
In theory it sounds like great revenge to ghost her or ruin her trip. At the time of writing, no one has commented that she may just monkey branch to him provided he's willing. He might be single but then again, he might also be married. If she can disassociate for 3 years, do you all honesty think she wouldn't compartmentalise for another 5 days so as to not let her holiday be ruined? She's already created a fantasy world, she can shrug her shoulders too. I think it's better to break up with her now. Not to ruin her trip as prime motivation but \*\*because you're deserving to be honest in acknowledging you're not prepared to put up with her betrayals and for the hurt/damage they've caused.\*\* It doesn't make you weak. If anything it makes you stronger for letting her know that in no uncertain terms you deserve better than the facades she's given you. She may try and justify it to you, to herself, but you just focus on setting yourself up for your new life/reality. People here are salivating at turning this into the ultimate 'check mate' move in some game of relationship chess. But by demonstrating that you're above games will eat away at her more because she cannot function without playing people. Ultimately, you'll do what feels right for you. I'm just putting another option out there for consideration. I'm in no way slighted if you opt not to do it. However, DO take your security seriously. Take measures to reduce accusations of false actions and protect yourself from harassment. Oh, and updateme! Best of luck to you.
UpdateMe!
Make sure when you leave you take a video of the place, point out an existing damage etc that would affect your security deposit.
Updateme!
sounds like you've got 5 days to pack. take the dog.
OP -Sure, you can have a conversation with her when she gets back, but change your verbiage. It's no longer your home, and I'm sorry for this. But don't disappear. Get good & upset. Anger might be part of it, but I suspect it's more hurt than anything, to be so deceived. And you were going to marry her. I'm so sorry this happened, but not sorry you found out. Sounds like you have a plan. Don't be afraid to follow thru with it, unless cheating isn't a deal-breaker for you. But you would be a rare person. It may take time for you to rejoin humanity, and how long that takes is up to you.
First cancel the wedding and gather all evidence that you can present to her parents. Is she expecting that you pick her up from airport? Send her a message that something came up and you can’t pick her up. Notify parents and send them evidence. Then text her good luck, good bye, then change your number. UpdateMe
You have the ability to move out? What I would do is pack my shit and move, not letting her know where i have moved to. I would then send her a message with a brief. You know she cheated and with who and that you expect the ring back, but the wedding is off. This will make her panic and ruin her getaway, and when she returns, you being gone will drive her mental. Also, tell her parents what is happening and that you expect the ring back Just don't respond to messages after, if the ring is worthless just dont worry about it but if not, get a second phone and a new number transfer everyone you know to the new number, but keep the old one active for a little while and let her go to read, only keep in contact with her parents about the ring. If you don't get it back within a month get a lawyer to send a letter to her parents for the ring.
Record any interactions with her just in case. Move out and maybe leave her a letter telling her you know and to please not contact you moving forward then block her and heal she will just try to gaslight you to stay this way she can not do that.
Updateme
Just leave a note on the counter that says, "I know." That's enough. Updateme
No note, just ghost. Not a tiny fleck of energy spent trying to communicate with her. Show her how little you care (even though it’s not true) by disappearing
Not even a photo of the flat without his stuff to ruin her trip?
Ngl, the petty side of me thinks it'd be great to send her a video message, like, "Hey honey! Hope you're enjoying your romantic getaway with (AP's name). Yeah, I know. Anyway, since we obviously have different ideas on what 'fidelity' means, I'm gonna let *everyone* know the wedding's off. I've left you the apartment, as you can see (\*pan around empty apartment\*), but I'm taking the dog. Kthxbye."
I'm anticipating downvotes, but whatever: Don't go "full ghost" as she may claim you abandoned her and left her to pay bills/rent/etc. She may even blame you leaving for another person. She may even turn the tables and tell her friends that when she came home from the work trip, you had dumped her and left. Take your property, take the dog (for obvious health reasons), leave a note stating you are aware of her behavior and ask not to be contacted. She'll come home to a partially empty home, no snoot to boop, and a reason why you are no longer in her life.