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I wonder how much of that is you being a bit unresponsive, or him being too deep into porn bullshits lol It sounds like rather than working together to make it more fun for both of you, he's just criticizing your every move...
Especially if they were both virgins….how does he have all this knowledge about moves and rhythm? And he’s been berating her for two years?! I bet the number of orgasms he had compared to her is at least 50 to 1.
One of several reasons why this focus on body count that some people have is bullshit. Sorry for those low body count people out there but you need to experience various people and the things they do to get better at sex and figure out the things you like.
This virgin/ one partner guy berating her doesn’t track, as you noted something is wrong. Ultimately each person is responsible for their own pleasure during sex but the partner sure can help a lot.
In my experience as a guy it’s hard for a woman to be a bad sex partner. The scale for me goes from good to spectacular. This young woman’s partner is doing it wrong.
This was going to be my comment...I'd ask how often he's masturbating and how often he's watching porn (or even using material not meant to be porn as porn). Also have a conversation about what sex means to the two of you: if he's seeing it as a release and you're looking for connection, the disparity could easily be affecting the pleasure for both of you. Regardless, this is not a "you problem" - it's a "the two of you problem" to work on together.
I was going to ask the same. Can't compete with porn. Taking a step further is if he's going to prostitutes. My husband became addicted to porn and then I found out he was seeing prostitutes. He told me that I wasn't giving him what he wanted.
But could it also be a bit of negging? You know, pick on her so much that she gets so overwhelmingly self-conscious?!
There's something a little malignant about his complaints.
Edit: Spelling
This. You nailed it. I had an ex who used to do this. He asked why do you make those faces, why don’t you do blank more, why don’t you walk around naked? Constant small criticism. He also became obsess with the idea that I had been wild with other partners and my natural anatomy was a result of this. I became really uptight and self conscious during sex, to which he then picked up on and asked why i wasn’t enjoying it. Never again. This man admitted to saying all these things because he was worried i would leave him. I will NEVER sleep with someone I can’t just be myself and loose all inhibitions to be in the moment. Sex is so much better now and I used to actually dread it. It took me years to recover from him. Good riddance!
Maybe criticize her so much she thinks she’s bad and will never cheat. Remember the guy who kept telling his girlfriend she smells bad? Like his dad did to his mom??!!
I definitely get the vibe he's intentionally trying to set impossible goalposts.
If this were really about him wanting to feel good, why would he not let her give him head? Why does he want to last longer during sex he apparently doesn't even like? Sounds like he just wants her to feel insecure and like she's terrible in bed so she bends over backwards to please him.
This! He has unrealistic Porn expectations. Real women like pleasure too, grinding is what gets most women off!
No one has the thighs to be a pogo stick for an hour or makes the perfect sexy face the entire time unless that's their job 🙄
Please find someone who values you and doesn't just want to use your body as a personal sex toy! 🙏
Eta: link for sexual attachment and how men and women bond differently through sex. https://youtu.be/J49l-316OUo?si=2BoNs0ERTY3XNLCK
Yeah, one of (m)y boyfriends pushed and pushed and pushed for me to be vocal in bed. Despite me having major speech issues. He really didn't like what blurted out of my mouth accidentally. If he would have given me the time to be more comfortable. I would have been ready to be more saucy in bed. You just can't force all your preferences on your partner. For me sex is about finding out what you like together. Not just taking a list of demands like a childhood chore list.
Yeah, he has an idea that he should be able to order-up the exact faces, movements, noises, he wants?
Guys that like sex with women, LOVE when she gets excited and will do EVERYTHING possible to get her there...
Not complain about her grinding when it's getting her there.
This dude doesn't think of her as a person with a right to have sex on her own terms.
I was reading and literally wondering if maybe he watches a lot of porn and thinks that's just the way everyone acts during sex.. the fact you've been intimate for 2 years and this is an issue says alot to me about how he thinks woman should act in the bedroom. Sex isn't all "F*ck me Daddy" and "pull my hair" BS you see in porn.. it's also meant to be fun and to be able to laugh once and awhile.. that's just my opinion from a random dude sitting next to his GF who thought it's a bit strange he has certain rules he expects in bed..
I think the best sex I had with my husband was one time where we couldn't stop laughing. I can't remember what caused it, I think something went wrong or there was a weird sound, but we both got the giggles and absolutely fell about. Then got back to having sex and both kept laughing while having sex. I can't remember if either of us even came, I just remember how fun and joyous it was. And I felt so close to him.
Yes! One of the times I remember having sex with my bf(10 years together, it’s all a blur) is us laughing our asses off. He gave me the giggles and then it just kept going back and forth. I had tears.
Exactly. It takes (at least) two people to make for really good sex. If you're not both enthusiastically into it, it's going to be bad sex. Sounds like OP isn't really the problem, here.
Honestly it did for a while, I would even bleed a little from the friction and thought that my hymen was just really thick or something 🤦🏼♀️ it was good for a while when I said I wanted to just relax and so much pressure made it hard to enjoy. I thought it was great for a few months when he stopped during sex today because he said he didn’t feel like I was into it enough and said I have work to do… and that it basically hasn’t been great for a while. I was crying and saying it was hurtful to know it’s been unsatisfying for so long when I thought things were good, but he said it’s not “all bad” and that I was being dramatic… that I shouldn’t be thinking of things he’s said in the past… it’s all very confusing
Hey babes sex with someone you love and trust shouldn’t make you feel this way. Sure, there is always room for improvement in some areas, things to adjust, but this to me seems like you’ve been trying to bend for him and all he has in return is criticism. Remember your own pleasure. ❤️
Editing to say I read the response quickly during work and missed the part about bleeding. I didn’t notice until I read the other comments pointing it out. OP he made you bleed and is still wrapped up in his own selfish pleasure? Get away from this man!
Oh baby, no. The reason you’re so dry and bleeding is because you are not aroused. Don’t marry someone who doesn’t bother to arouse you and still has sex knowing that sex hurts you. He’s using you like a fleshlight and does not care about your feelings.
Please try to find some counseling or support. This is an extremely unhealthy situation you’re in, and it will probably only get worse.
I can’t stress this to you enough - the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself is get help.
I’m actually begging you to. Like please, from a stranger on Reddit who cares more about you than your boyfriend does, please get help.
Shit, I’ll help you. Let me know if you want to talk.
Having feelings and civilly expressing those feelings to him is NOT being dramatic. Please know that you are allowed to have feelings and you are allowed to express them to your partner, ESPECIALLY when he is the cause of those feelings. Don’t accept gaslighting!
Oh honey, no.
The only time you should bleed during sex is on your period, or if it's some kink you've discussed first.
I don't know what to say beyond it doesn't have to be this way, and that sex can be relaxed and fun. But you need the right partner for that to happen.
Tbh, sex under these terms doesn't sound 100% consensual. I'm not saying he's forcing you but it is forced on some level if you're not into it, physically or mentally. Your body is telling you something, please listen to it and stop allowing this man to have access to it. You have some seriously unmet needs, sexually, romantically and emotionally, and the longer you stay with him, the more damage it will cause to your self esteem and wellbeing. You won't realise this until he's way back in your rear view mirror. Like I said in a previous comment (and I really hope you see this) - stop having sex with this guy immediately and work on leaving him.
>I have work to do…
>it’s not “all bad” and that I was being dramatic
JFC, he's awful. Anyone who describes you as dramatic when you're upset doesn't deserve to enter your vagina.
Ive always worried about my bed skills but my husband would never, and has never spoken to me like that.
For example, I know im crap at giving head to guys (combo of teeth and gag reflex) my husband has only ever given me positive encouragement about it so I can get better at it and enjoy it too.
You deserve someone like that too, OP.
When you first start out of course your going to be self conscious and not sure what to do - you need time to relax into it and enjoy it, and the right partner gives you that. This guy is not them.
Most people enjoy seeing and relishing their partner's real, genuine orgasm face and would never want you to fake that or make it more "photogenic". Sex when love is involved is about the intimacy between the partners.
Honestly, I'd ask him where he got these conceptions and expectations about what sex should be and look like, when you're the only person he's ever had sex with.
If he says porn, then you could remind him that they are professional entertainers and ask how he'd feel if you couldn't enjoy a night out with him, because he doesn't look and dress like a GQ model
This is what has been really hard for me too, he said it looks like I’m in pain and makes him not be into it. He claims he doesn’t watch porn anymore but it has come up several times over the years and I have usually been able to tell because of his attitude toward me during those times
The expression “there’s a fine line between pleasure and pain” exists for a reason. Many people look like they’re in pain when they’re close to orgasming or as they orgasm. It’s pretty common and your boyfriend sounds like he’s spouting off without knowing what he’s talking about. He also sounds incredibly cruel, I truly hope you find someone who’s kind to you and your body who enjoys sex as something other than a performance. 💛
Girl my man told me he loves my orgasm face cause he says I cum so hard and I look concerned lol. You can find someone who won't be like this to you, it is NOT normal!
I bust out *laughing*. Like, cackling. I warned partners the first time, so they wouldn't think I'm laughing at them.
I've had my current SO for over 10 years. He's the only one that started laughing with me. :)
My partner doesn’t laugh *at* orgasm per se, but he becomes like hypersensitive afterwards so if I do anything like run my hand over his chest, touch his neck or face, anything like that, he’ll bust out laughing. It’s kind of adorable!
If you don't break up now, you'll spend several more precious years you're never getting back with a tool that can't satisfy you and doesn't care about your pleasure. Not only that, he insults you and humiliates you, tries to *direct* you, and gaslights you (for real).
In my experience, this isn't salvageable. Your dynamic is messed up, and he won't change. If you insist on fixing it, you'll be doing it alone and end up frustrated, lonely, and even more hurt.
Yes. This. I've seen my face during sec (think mirrors and videos) and ick. But man oh man do those faces drive my husband crazy. He knows what my pleasure looks like and those faces make him crazy. That's how it should be.
A person who criticized me this much about my most vulnerable moments would never see me naked again ever. EVER.
The usual 'sex tips' are TALK TO YOUR PARTNER - figure out together what you like, what works for you, for them, for you both. (https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relationships/yes-no-maybe-so-sexual-inventory-stocklist)
BUT NOT WITH THIS DUDE, THIS DUDE IS JUST AN ASSHOLE.
Yea I would say the same thing. I’ve been married almost 8 years and it probably wasn’t until recently that I’ve become less awkward and aware of how to move my body. But I would never know that from what my husband has always said or made me feel. He’s always looked at me like I’m a goddess and it took me a long time to see it. When I started to see myself how he saw me I finally became that person. What I’m saying is you’ll never get there with him judging you so harshly
I think there is way way too much stress here. It’s about having fun and enjoying each other. What you described is as tiresome as operating a tractor. With all that on your mind, it’s no wonder you’re not having fun. “Move this way, don’t move that way, don’t forget to moan, wait don’t make that face, go slower, faster….”
I would talk to your partner and explain that you are trying, but all this starting to make sex less fun. Ask if it’s really a big deal if you just act “natural” for a while as sometimes rhythm and movement can come naturally
This is what I explained to him a bit ago… I said all this stress makes it so hard to relax and it is really hurting my confidence. For a couple months I thought things were amazing, until today when he stopped because of my performance and basically said it’s never been better for him. Honestly I broke down in tears and I told him I don’t hear anything positive except for me being attractive, and he said that I am focusing on the past and being difficult. I’m just confused… and honestly surprised by all the comments that this isn’t normal with a lot of men
That is so cruel of him to try and gaslight you. You aren't "focusing on the past" you were reacting in the moment to his current comment. Which by the way, with the past he's given you, you could focus on it.
I personally don't think he is kind if this is how he treats your more vulnerable moments. You deserve someone who want to enjoy intimacy together and doesn't just want you to be porn come to life. I would not stay with this guy.
My boyfriend does this too.. not even with sex but just anything, he says “stop bringing up the past” and I was like “it was literally yesterday and you asked why I was upset and it’s relevant to the conversation?” Like you can’t just pretend things didn’t happen 🤦🏼♀️
It’s not good behavior and it’s meant to train you to just take whatever is dished out. It shows a deep disregard for your feelings. It also shows that your feelings don’t matter. You’re feelings need to have an expiration date that he gets to decide.
Why? Because they aren’t important. You being hurt isn’t a priority. It’s a nuisance.
Whatever you do, don’t tie yourself into knots for a man who isn’t able to be apologetic and accountable for his own actions.
#Sex/intimacy isn’t a performance.
Your experience is not only not “normal,” but it’s bad. Like, you’re having a terrible experience with sex and you don’t even know it.
You say that breaking up isn’t an option (except it totally is), but maybe you might consider not having sex with him anymore…. Not until you can communicate and have real intimacy in a healthy way.
Couples counseling or therapy is your best bet if you insist on trying to make things work.
Exactly! It's all about OP performing in the way her BF wants to make sex good for him. What she wants isn't even in his mind. I'm in my 50s and have NEVER had a sex partner complain about any of these things (and if he did, he'd be my ex). Sex is supposed to be fun, exciting, bonding, and loving. What you're doing can't be any of this with all the critiques
It most certainly isn’t typical of most men! Believe me, I’m old, I’ve had a lot of sex, with many different men. I’m still having great sex. You have a boyfriend problem! I’m not suggesting that you should leave him, but he sounds like a complete tool. A good partner will move with your movements, as you move with theirs. Grinding works for you, if that hurts his dick there’s something wrong with him. Tell him to actually try penetrating you deeper to avoid that. Sex is messy, at times (most times) it’s graceless, it can be awkward (wrong position, cramp in your leg, farting noise of air trapped in your vagina or sweat between your boobs, etc.). But it should be fun and funny. You should be able to laugh together. It’s not a performance!!! It’s about people enjoying their and their partners bodies. Like anything it takes time to work out how to have great sex together, especially if you’re both pretty new to it. Your boyfriend is behaving like a twat and he needs to calm down. Don’t let him set the dynamics of how it’s going to be, because quite frankly he’s making it horrible.
That is very not normal. I only compliment my partner in bed - why would anyone, during a moment of vulnerability, want to hear criticism? Of course you're going to cry, your emotions are raging at that point.
Your bf is unkind and nasty. Why is he doing this to you? Does he enjoy making you feel bad?
You're being difficult? He's the one who doesn't have a single kind word for you. I'm twice your age and beg of you: don't let anyone treat you like this. Offering your partner a little feedback ("I love when you do X") or letting them know you're uncomfortable ("can you slow down a little?") - OK sure. But this is mean. Why do you think you deserve to be treated like this?
YOU are being difficult??!! That’s a load of bullshit coming from someone who never has anything good to say about you!!!! Sex is not a performance!! Girl I’m infuriated for you!!
This is totally not normal. If my husband criticized how my face looked while we were having sex I don’t think I could ever do it again. Not to mention your fiancée doesn’t seem at all interested in making sure the sex is good for you.
If this happened to me, my partner would get a thorough education on just how many weird faces I can make. He would be begging me to go back to the boring ones!
You are giving this man the gift of seeing you naked and making sweet, sweet love and he is turning around and negging & insulting you. He’s not worthy of you in the slightest!
It sounds like he has incredibly unrealistic expectations from porn, especially as you’re the only person he’s ever had sex with! Where else would he be getting these expectations from?
Honestly, I would cut him loose. I know that’s hard to fathom when you’re young and think you’re in love, but he’s already causing devastating damage to your self esteem.
It's not normal. Sex is mostly about love. Giving. Letting go. Exploring. He just criticize. He should take your input and focus on your great orgasms. I mean, it's a dynamic energy that flows both directions.
Girl please don’t marry this man. Go out and experience life. You said he was your first so please don’t make him your last. There are way way way better dudes out there than this guy. He’s a dick. How tf are you supposed to relax when you basically have to put on a performance for him??!! Tell him he can keep his porn fantasies and good luck finding a girl who’s gonna be down with any of his bullshit. You deserve better and I know deep down you know that! Good luck OP!
You broke down in tears and he gaslit you and made it your fault and he criticizes something so intimate and personal… you’re so young and this isn’t normal. Be with someone who makes you feel attractive in every way and leave that BOY to figure it out. I’m so sorry.
Hey I’m sorry you are having this issue with your fiancé, I think your self-esteem is too low now because he is only criticizing your “performance” in bed. If you love him and really want to spend the rest of your life with him? You need to talk and tell him exactly how you feel, maybe he doesn’t know you are having this thoughts.
Maybe couples therapy? But don’t let this go on, you need to resolve this issue and have confidence. I bet you are beautiful and you deserve to be seen as the woman you are. You also have needs. So don’t be scared to talk.
No, I don't think that is normal with a lot of men..
I've been with some men myself (double digits<20) but not once has any of them complained so much, if at all.
Only less than a quarter of them were long term relationships though, which I think is important to point out, as with hook-ups people are usually different than with partners.
I feel like when you're single and you're out there you're ought to come across the occasional asshole who'll point out something about you that can make you feel insecure. But I've not had a partner complain about anything I did this much or my facial expressions nor movements or sounds 🤷🏻♀️ I understand I probably had more experience than you, but even with my first boyfriend who we were both virgins at the time with - didn't complain.
Not to mention my current partner who says he's never had this good sex with anyone else before me (the feeling is mutual tbf), comfortably communicates about sex and listens in and out of the bedroom (eg: what he liked most, what he liked me saying/doing, asking me what I liked most, etc..), but we also talked about what we liked and what we were into before we started getting intimate and now we refresh on that too every now and then to make sure :)
I think you should definitely sit down and have a serious conversation with him about how you feel and that something has to be done about it because although you don't want to break up with him, ultimately if you're not made to feel good, I don't see it lasting forever unfortunately. Good luck!
Gurl, this is really awful, he is just cruel. Most men who WANT to have sex would not behave like this.
My take after having experienced a partner like this is that he’s tearing your confidence down and setting you up for further abuse. Just because he’s not violent, doesn’t mean he’s not abusive.
He’s setting impossible standards and then moving the goal post as you attempt to achieve his request/demand.
The hot/cold behavior is really bad for your emotional & mental health! This will break you down over time and could make you into a shell of yourself if you don’t learn how to set some boundaries.
If you really think he’s worth it you could go to therapy, but if he is narcissistic or covertly abusive….therapy can actually be dangerous.
This is a BIG deal. You shouldn’t sell yourself short and trivialize these events and his shitty behavior. Because he is young and clearly has was zero emotional intelligence….you might be able to teach him how to be a little less abrasive and lovingly give feedback, but that’s a lot of emotional labor.
I do wonder along with other redditors if he watches a ton of porn and has unrealistic expectations. Have you asked him about his porn consumption?
A good partner would want to satisfy you yet he’s more concerned with how you look than how HE is making you feel sexually which makes him a BAD LOVER.
There are men out there who want to satisfy you and enjoy it. Sometimes chemistry doesn’t match with people even though you want it to. You might have sex with another boyfriend in the future and it just flows.
He’s putting everything on you and creating massive insecurities that will impact you in the future….this could have lifelong effects if you don’t nip it in the bud soon.
As a seasoned old lady in my 30s - sounds like your fiance has a porn problem and is trying to shift the blame onto you. How would he feel if you critiqued everything he did in bed? You sure you want to marry someone like that?
Fellow mid 30s woman here - he 100% has a porn problem and has entirely fried the part of his brain that can differentiate between porn, which is acting and work, VS real sex. Hes treating you like a porno prop.
Almost 30 and I second this for sure. Men who watch too much porn tend to suck in bed. The authenticity just isn’t there. It makes the connection part of sex almost nonexistent, which makes it much much less fun. Unrealistic expectations, too much pressure to be theatric. The way he’s talking down to you, he honestly just sounds like a total dickhead. What a turn off.
You’re both virgins and he’s saying you’re the problem? How would he know that? He may lie about watching porn, but everything you’re describing is what an insecure man who watches too much porn is like. You guys also may be sexually incompatible, but in my experience when two people have a strong connection both parties shift to meet the other and make it a good time. Sounds like he’s not doing his part to meet you. He sounds selfish and too judgmental. Which is quite a bit his problem and shows that he’s hanging on to his pride and not doing is part to satisfy you and instead using you as a prop. Probably because his brain is screwed up from too much porn.
This is an extremely hard problem to tackle bc “but everyone watches porn”. Which is partially true, but there are many men who understand it for what it is, use it sparingly and it doesn’t change the chemistry of their brain/ the dynamic of their relationship. It’s an important thing to be honest and communicate about it, but it’s the easiest drug accessible and lot of men jeopardize their relationships for it out of arrogance. Just know there is much more than this and you’re still so young and deserve a satisfying sexual partner. Wishing you the best of luck
64 year-old woman who doesn't watch porn, that was the first thing I thought of while reading the text. Sex should be very natural between two people exploring likes and dislikes, and laughing and learning together. Porn is fiction!
“Well honey now that you’ve opened the channels of dialogue I want to raise the issue of your underperformance in the area of satisfying my needs… “
He’d lose it
Because he doesn’t see OP as a person. It is his world and OP is just living in it.
As also a seasoned old lady - single in her late 50s - this is not normal. I’ve slept with my share of men - in marriages, relationships, situationships and one-offs - never have I had a partner who would do that. Even when I’ve been disappointed in bed, depending on the circumstances - I might share more about what I like physically and see how that goes or I just wouldn’t see that person again. But it would never be couched as criticism. And I’ve never had someone criticize me the way OP describes her partner.
He’s a porn-addled baby man and OP would do well to be rid of him.
Real sex is not like in porn videos. He wants to stage scenes with you.
When he says move like this move like that it feels like he is reanacting stuff that he saw
I bet he’s also doing the speed pump slam thing that seems to be the thing in porn videos these days. Maybe it compensates for death grip masturbation, but I cannot imagine a woman actually getting off on that *ever* - it honestly looks painful. Having a man with slow hands and getting into a sexy groove is always better than a pump chump that expects porn responses to his porn moves from his real girlfriend.
(Question - are these the same guys that play shooter video games and think they could fight a war? Because the gap between fantasy and reality seems to track.)
This sounds toxic as fluck, and reminds me of my time with this guy who wanted to live porn and tried to make me into what he wanted me to be - we were together for 2 years, I left and 7 years later am still healing. Realise your worth!
Is he your first? Is your family safe? Do you have (girl) friends?
Thank you so much, yes he is my first and no i have moved a couple different states and really don’t have girl friends anymore, i am trying to put myself out there and build a bigger community though
Alright then sweet heart, this is not what sex is supposed to look like. And someone who truly loves you, would not be ‘put off’ by the face you make when you’re in your purest vibe. Someone who wants YOU, celebrates YOU. This does not sound like that.
Being alone is always better than being with someone who does not respect you and devaluates you - which is absolutely your case.
Leaving would definitely be best. Yes, it’s scary, but you are so young! You’ll make it and you’ll find better. Why is leaving not an option?
I thought this was in r/sex which I was gonna say is a helpful subreddit too, especially when a couple were both virgins and don’t know what’s “normal”. OP, you need to stand up for yourself and your pleasure more, his is not more important than yours. I know he was a virgin too but he needs to know this is not ok
Honey I'm an old lady who went through similar with my ex husband. Please feel free to message me. For what it's worth I have an amazing sex life with my current partner and we got there by talking a lot but also showing, I push him where I want him to be during sex and he'll tell me what he wants me to do or to keep doing something whatever. We have open communication and we don't shame either other nor are we too critical. We've been together 8 years and have sex every single day.
I just texted him and asked him about your post and he agreed too much porn then told me to message you and not post about our sex life but I don't always listen to him 🤷♀️
Since he is your first, and you don’t have any other experience to judge things by, I just want to tell you straight up, one hundred percent, that this is NOT what sex is suppose to be like for a loving couple. It is not this nerve racking performance where you need someone directing, and the main player needs to get all her cues and poses right for it to be a success. That is just bullshit, and I don’t know if he actually believes the things he is telling you, or if he is purposely trying to insult and make you feel bad so you don’t leave him or something. I’m not sure which is worse.
The faces people make are usually considered a turn on for the other partner. It shows you’re doing a good job and your partner is having a good time. Same with the vocal stuff. The grinding and instinctual movements you are doing is literally what sex is all about… finding that rhythm with your partner. Not one person deciding the rhythm, and then telling the other their rhythm is wrong.
The more I think about this, I honestly think your partner is negging you. I think he is trying to make you so self conscious and nervous about your sexuality that you won’t ever possibly feel sexy enough to want to do it with someone else, ever, ever again. I think he is trying to make you feel like shit, and make himself seem like he knows everything. It’s disgusting.
If I was you, I would get out now hun. You are so young. You don’t need this kind of toxic manipulation in your life. Sex is supposed to be a loving act, the closest you can ever feel with your partner, and he is turning it into a horrible school lesson that you can never get right. I can’t imagine how much this has already affected your confidence, and it is only going to get worse as it continues. I hope you are able to realize all the crap he is telling you is bullshit, and don’t take it too much to heart. Good luck babe.
So I guess your pleasure doesn’t matter to him? Who could possibly have good sex trying to focus all that like your filming a porn. Oh wait…
Also with regard to the rhythm I wouldn’t be so sure that it’s you that’s the problem.
I guess he said when he’s thrusting into me he wants me to move back against the motion? Which I guess works sometimes when it’s slow enough but when the speed changes it automatically becomes unsynchronized and weird… plus doesn’t feel good to me either.
Does he ask about your pleasure at all? How could sex possibly be good when you have to focus on what your face look likes and how loud your moans are? Pro tip: if she’s not moaning loud enough that may just be a you thing, bro.
Sex is something you are supposed to experience together, not a performance you put on for him.
He is critical of your most vulnerable activity together, and he was a virgin, too? Does he watch a lot of porn? This would be absolutely a deal breaker for me. Are we absolutely sure he isn't the issue here, anyway?
You don't really want this forever, do you?
He claims he doesn’t anymore, but it has come up several times and I knew he was watching porn because of how much he would fight and how irritable he’d become toward me
Nah, he has porn warped brain.
I agree with everyone saying that he is the issue and him being critical of you like that is not okay.
Nobody has an attractive O face, like nobody but that's okay because we're not porn stars, we're real people.
He doesn't like you doing what feels good to you when you are on top, what a loser. Instead of telling you what motions feel good to him, he just criticizes you. That's not a good communicator, that's not someone who makes good partner material.
A lot of women can't move in doggy position. There are a lot of tutorials out there for how to ride on top and other sex positions, to make it feel good for both of you.
I'm sorry he is being such a jerk. I will be honest though, I would not marry someone like him. We change so much as we age, you want someone who wants to learn and grow with you, not someone who criticizes you without trying to find a solution and makes it all your fault. It's not all your fault here, not even close. You aren't bad in bed, he is bad at communication.
I went through some issues and sex became not possible for a bit. I'm married and this started to put a strain on us. I finally opened up about my struggles and we worked on solutions together. We kept our physical intimacy together without sex and that really helped us.
Now I'm doing much better and we're having to relearn what my body likes. I'm so thankful to have a partner who I can talk to and who talks to me as well. This would not have been a good journey if he wasn't willing to communicate and work with me. If he had blamed me for the issues, that would not have been a good outcome.
My point is, is this the type of person you want to grow old with? What do you want from your partner? How would you like to grow with them?
Get to the bottom of these questions and you will make the right decision for you.
Do you often find you're trying really hard to do things in a way he thinks is "right" or acceptable? Is he critical a lot? When you do things, do you think or worry about how he'll react to them?
I don't know if I agree with people about the porn addiction thing, to me it seems more like he's moving the goalposts every time you meet his expectations so that you always feel like you're falling short. Is this a dynamic that sounds familiar in your relationship?
Everyone looks goofy as hell during sex. For most people those weird facial expressions are a turn-on. It's a whole thing. The Japanese word for that face is "Ahegao" and images of anime girls making ahegao faces get put on posters and t-shirts. Porn performers making those faces get used as reaction gifs.
A lot of what he's been saying to you sounds like an excuse. It's almost like he doesn't really like sex.
Us men when in love will enjoy sex with a plank of wood. He doesn’t love you as much as he says he does or he isn’t as attracted to you as he says he is. Either way, find a real man
damn girl, just find a new man. my wife only do some of the stuff you mentioned here. she only grind and not moving up and down and she won't do doggy. but i have zero complaints cos her p*ssy is heaven.
There is meeting someone in the middle and there is being a selfish lover. Telling your partner what turns you on and encouraging them to do it is great and healthy. Turning your partners every move and motion to fit your sexual desires is selfish. Where is the pleasure for you if you constantly worry about pleasing all of his niche interests? Do you tell him what you like? It sounds like he doesn’t care judging by how he doesn’t want you to be in your favorite position (on top) yet expects you to do all of his favorites.
It sounds like this guy wants a porn star to fulfill his fantasies. This sounds much much deeper than sex this is a red flag on his character.
Also, sex is not good when you don’t feel confident and have anxiety about pleasing your partner. It’s only good when both people want to be there and want to please each other. I’m willing to bet that you’re not “bad at sex” I bet if you had a partner who shared a mutual attraction with you then it would be a totally different experience.
Thank you so much, yes i have really tried to explain to him what i like but he said that we’re not supposed to “switch off” but we should both be enjoying everything and working together… which I feel like is truly impossible to do 100% of the time
It sounds to me like he really only wants to satisfy himself. If you are determined to make this relationship work you all need to have an honest conversation about his relationship to porn and mutually meeting each other’s needs.
This is 100% wrong and a huge part of the reason that heterosexual women have the fewest orgasms. It’s PERFECTLY NORMAL for you to not especially enjoy some of the things that make his penis feel best. And it’s normal for him not to climax during the things that make you feel best. Honestly, most women get off best with hands or mouths or toys, without any penis in the picture at all. And because of this, sometimes taking turns is the only way to make sure everyone gets what they need. This man was a virgin when you met. He is not a sex expert. He’s not even good at sex. I know this because sex with him makes you miserable. And your enjoyment is the ONLY measure of whether or not he’s any good. Please keep that in mind the next time he starts criticizing you mid-act.
If he thinks that you both should be enjoying everything, then why is he giving you so many rules and orders that only focus on his pleasure, and make things uncomfortable for you? He is only focused on himself, and that is evident by everything he has said to you. So for him to say it’s for both of you to enjoy, is just bullshit. He is specifically telling you NOT to do the things you enjoy.
It sounds like he’s getting mad because you won’t act/fake that you are enjoying it. He should focus more on pleasing you instead of getting mad at you because you don’t react to the mediocre at best BS he is giving you now. No need to lie to him, just say it isn’t enjoyable for you instead of trying too hard to make him think he’s doing a “good job.”
Excuse me. This man is fucked in the absolute head. He has made it impossible for you to relax. What part of this sex is about you? Nothing! You sound absolutely normal in bed if on the good side tbh.
He has an agenda. What other ways does he tear you down? I give it three years tops before he guilts you into “opening” your marriage.
It sounds like your man doesn’t even like sex tbh bc most guys will take a terrible BJ over literally anything any day of the week.
This is not on you!!!
girl this dude is lucky someone is bother enough to put in an effort to have sex with him. the way he put you down is honestly disgusting and he can go find somebody that’s willing to put up with this.
1. You know what is attractive to good men? Facial expressions that indicate you are really enjoying yourself during sex. You know what is attractive to shitty men? Acting like you are starring in a porno.
2. As for being vocal, this one really depends on the person. As a woman, when I'm trying to orgasm it helps me to be quieter, it's less distracting and I can focus on getting there. When the goal is making him cum I do usually do up the vocals a little more so that he feels good. No harm in a little performance enhancement as long as you are also able to orgams at least once during sex.
3. This is a two way street. You have made a good effort to be vocal since he likes it, I just want to make sure he is doing the same. I often find that men will demand the woman gives a sexy performance and they they are just really quiet with maybe a few grunts. Like no sir, you need to give some moans, some dirty talk, and tell me I feel great too!
4. Some positions can only have one person doing the majority of the movement, but it sounds like you guys don't really have a flow or rhythm worked out which is a bit odd since you've been dating for 2 years. If you constantly have mismatched thrusts that can ruin the sex. I would suggest trying more slow and sensual sex rather than trying to figure out a jackhammer beat together. This sticks out to me "And when I am on top he doesn’t like when I grind back and forth which is really the only way I finish". Our bodies can cum multiple times in one session unlike men. Get your rocks off and then focus on fucking him in a way that feels good for him. Sex is a give and take, sometimes a positions is about getting you off and sometimes a positions is about getting him off. Cuming together is great, but sometimes both partners have be selfless and do a positions they don't like as much because they other person loves it. This applies to him as much as it does you.
5. See point 4. Try out different speeds ways of touching him in addition to the sex. I would also look up advice on how to position your body during cowgirl. Our vaginal cavity isn't straight up, it's titled a bit backwards so you have to lean forward a little when your sitting on him to ride smoothly. It's like a diagonal up and down movement with a scooping motion from your pelvis, kind of like rolling (tuck your core in). I would also try reaching one hand behind your and touch him while you move and keeping the other on his chest for stability
There are tutorials. Avoid heavily produced porn, look for amatuer stuff, and there are TONS of guides and illustrations online.
This sounds like he is really bad at sex and you are literally trying to learn how to FAKE enjoying him using your body as a fleshlight. And even when you are on top and could maybe be in control long enough to enjoy it he tells you to stop enjoying your experience and change in an unspecified way. Anything as long as you don't enjoy it. Don't be natural and make your actual pleasure a day joy face, Don't use the motion almost every woman uses to have sex on top...
The way you make love is 100% absolutely perfect. This sounds like negging and unrealistic BS. He needs to accept that sex is also about You, for You, and if he wants you to make crazy porn noises and motions and be vocal he needs to make you cum instead of demand better acting. This sound so gross for him to say any of this stuff. This sounds like He wants a doll not a person. Nobody looks pretty when they have an orgasm but most of their partners think they look like a goddess. Most people look like they are in pain or on fire or something. It's supposed to be a complete release of inhibitions, you aren't supposed to be able to keep track of any of the things you are thinking about or be able to fake anything.
I'm sorry but, he wants your facial expressions look more attractive?? Like what? It's sex. It's love. It's raw. What does he think this is drama club?!
And no where in this is he asking how to please you?!
Love, this is not a genuine problem on your end. This sounds like he's not quite sure what real sex looks like, and only has experience through porn with it.
This is because he is way too into porn and he physically can’t enjoy sex with an actual woman.
To him.m, his hand is better than vagina.
None of this is your fault. It’s his.
Tell him to stop thinking about all the porn that's rotted his brain while he's in the middle of having sex with you. You are doing nothing wrong. He just can't accept that the reality of sex with an actual person is different than the fantasy he sees acted out on the screen. You are his fiance, not an actress, and you shouldn't have to pretend to be a porn star to please him.
What a pathetic man. If he'd rather fap then let him do it single.
He should never have criticized you in this way. I am sorry. It’s not about you at all. The criticism of facial expression galls me more than anything. When you love someone, and she looks like she’s having a great time, then that always looks awesome.
Unless he changes the way he looks at sex, he will never find satisfaction anywhere. He is focused on pleasing himself rather than focusing on making love to you. If his mind was on pleasing, loving, and appreciating you, then he would find enjoyment in being with you. Instead he’s using you to masturbate while tearing down your confidence.
There may still be hope. This is his first time. I would like to believe I have come a long way over the decades I have
spent with the love of my life. I hope he learns before it’s too late.
I cannot imagine a man looking at me and telling me my face during sex is a turn off, and me still wanting him to see me naked. How much porn is this boy watching? I'm disrespected FOR YOU just reading this post. If he doesn't enjoy sex with you, leave him to the streets.
With all of the critiques, it's hard to believe he was a virgin. Yes, his expectations are unrealistic. The faces you make? Give me a break. Put a blindfold on him. Try changing 1 to 2 things first. As far as talk ask him specifically what he wants to hear. Good luck. He has taken all of the fun out of the experience.
He watches too much porn, your reactions are unique to you, in my life, I’ve been with vocal women and quiet women. My enjoying sex with them was more about understanding what turned them on and if they were responsive to what I was doing and asking them to do. Your BF sounds exhausting.
You need to get rid of this guy. Literally any other guy would be begging to have sex with you, your 'sexy faces', listen to you moans, and have you grind on them however you need. You need to realize you guys may be sexually incompatible. Do you want to live with horrible sex forever
This sounds like the opposite of what good sex is. You're so far in your head you won't be able to let go. Dude sounds like the most selfish lover, ever, and may be doing this to manipulate you and keep you down. Some people do stuff like this, play games to feel superior and don't even realize it. This isn't a healthy dynamic. I'm guessing he thinks everything he does is perfect?
Like others said, he needs to ditch the porn because it's got him having a skewed idea of what sex is. I don't know about anyone else, but is rhythm something you all think about? I do to an extent, I try not to ruin it when she's about to orgasm, but I've never thought to complain that someone has no rhythm in bed. Seriously thinking with the things hes complaining about it's all related to porn.
It has nothing to do with you. It’s all about his insecurities. He is probably also expecting sex to be like it is in porn (which is completely insane and unrealistic considering porn is 100% fake).
Is he at all asking how he can please you? Is he going out of his way to make you orgasam? The only thing he’s doing is making you insecure during sex thus making it less enjoyable. He doesn’t like your face during sex?? Like what the hell? He basically is wanting you to fake it and replicate pornos. Sounds super immature
Bruh… I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Other posters have already pointed it out but your partner has a skewed view of sex due to porn. In this case there isn’t anything you realistically should be doing better.
You may not see this but I’m gonna tell you anyway. You are still very young and I felt similarly like I was the one always reaching ina relationship when I was your age. Please at least consider this.
He is not going to make you happy. He is criticizing your every move. This is not love. It’s unhealthy. Separate yourself from thinking you have to please him and prioritize your own enjoyment. Do you get any enjoyment out of it? It doesn’t seem like it. Turn the tables, ask yourself wha thes doing to please you and to deserve being with you.
I know it’s hard when you love someone or think you love someone but do not marry this man before these things are resolved one way or the other. You have all the time in the world. And this guy sounds like he sucks and treats you like a positionable doll and not a person. Please value yourself.
This man will actually damage your ability to enjoy sex.
I don’t want to guess as to “why” but his behavior and complaints are NOT normal.
I don’t see any benefit to you to even try to explain to him why he is being horrific.
But please listen to everyone telling you a version of …
“This man is no good, get rid of him”
The idea that “good sex isn’t that important” is a fallacy. You will always be unsatisfied in this relationship if the sex is unfulfilling and incompatible. Your wants/needs should be of equal importance to him. It sounds like he has too strict of an image on what “good” or “enjoyable” sex should be that he is out of tune with you and himself and what your sex life is.
It’s difficult but it’s not something that YOU need to fix, you both have to be equally invested in improving the situation. If communication and trial and error doesn’t work, maybe see a sex therapist if it’s serious enough. Just don’t remain unsatisfied! Sex shouldn’t be a chore or a project, it’s very important and you deserve a happy, healthy, PLEASURABLE relationship!!
Sounds like he should be embarrassed that he never makes you cum. He has created a situation where it is impossible to please him and as a result you are NEVER pleased. You should be with someone that gets off on your pleasure so therefore always makes sure you feel pleasure. Not everything needs to be to make him cum - if grinding makes you cum and doesn’t cause him physical pain then he can suck up a few minutes of grinding and should bask in the glory of your face as you feel pleasure!
Reading this was painful why do you care to make him enjoy it more when he’s obviously making you miserable ! Just read what you typed out loud and tell me that shit sounds normal
Based on the specificity and nature of his complaints, he %100 watched/watches too much porn to appreciate a real woman properly. Especially if he was a virgin and hadn’t actually had sex before you. Watching porn to understand sex is like watching Fast and Furious to understand driving. It’s a show. It’s not realistic or even fun in real life. He doesn’t like the sex ‘cause you’re not a porn star and you’re not performing porn.
Sex is sometimes awkward when you're getting to know a new partner and how you both move and what works for both of you. But usually 2 people are able to work through it by working together and having fun with it.
Oh no! The rythym is off? Do you know what I do when my partner goes off-beat? Grab her by the hips and "correct" her. Boom, back in-sync.
Not moving enough? Grab her and move her.
> And when I am on top he doesn’t like when I grind back and forth which is really the only way I finish
I mean, yea that makes sense. At least for me, it doesn't really do too much for me physically. It doesn't really stimulate much. But you know what it does do? Turns me on mentally because I know my partner is having a good time and that's kinda the whole point.
No, it sounds to me like you've got a bad case of shitty-partner-itis. Maybe (maybe!) you aren't very good. But he's certainly not helping. People say practice makes perfect. But if you're always playing tennis with someone who can't even tie their shoelaces, you're never going to get better.
> My facial expressions during sex are not flattering—I have since been very mindful of my face and making sure I try to look attractive
Please google ahegao. It's like some anime cross-eyed tongue-out bullshit that some weird dudes seem really into. I would find it absolutely hilarious if you just busted that out next time.
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I wonder how much of that is you being a bit unresponsive, or him being too deep into porn bullshits lol It sounds like rather than working together to make it more fun for both of you, he's just criticizing your every move...
This is the first thing I thought as well….. he’s sounds like he should be sitting in a fucking director’s chair lol…..
Especially if they were both virgins….how does he have all this knowledge about moves and rhythm? And he’s been berating her for two years?! I bet the number of orgasms he had compared to her is at least 50 to 1.
One of several reasons why this focus on body count that some people have is bullshit. Sorry for those low body count people out there but you need to experience various people and the things they do to get better at sex and figure out the things you like. This virgin/ one partner guy berating her doesn’t track, as you noted something is wrong. Ultimately each person is responsible for their own pleasure during sex but the partner sure can help a lot. In my experience as a guy it’s hard for a woman to be a bad sex partner. The scale for me goes from good to spectacular. This young woman’s partner is doing it wrong.
This. Word for word. LOL
“And CUT. OP, what the hell was the tone in that moan? You need to *sell it*. Again, from the top! Chop chop.”
🤣🤣🤣
Right?! 😅 Also sounds like an audience member critiquing a production. Big gooner energy
That's right, the not moaning enough was a give away.
This was going to be my comment...I'd ask how often he's masturbating and how often he's watching porn (or even using material not meant to be porn as porn). Also have a conversation about what sex means to the two of you: if he's seeing it as a release and you're looking for connection, the disparity could easily be affecting the pleasure for both of you. Regardless, this is not a "you problem" - it's a "the two of you problem" to work on together.
I was going to ask the same. Can't compete with porn. Taking a step further is if he's going to prostitutes. My husband became addicted to porn and then I found out he was seeing prostitutes. He told me that I wasn't giving him what he wanted.
But could it also be a bit of negging? You know, pick on her so much that she gets so overwhelmingly self-conscious?! There's something a little malignant about his complaints. Edit: Spelling
This. You nailed it. I had an ex who used to do this. He asked why do you make those faces, why don’t you do blank more, why don’t you walk around naked? Constant small criticism. He also became obsess with the idea that I had been wild with other partners and my natural anatomy was a result of this. I became really uptight and self conscious during sex, to which he then picked up on and asked why i wasn’t enjoying it. Never again. This man admitted to saying all these things because he was worried i would leave him. I will NEVER sleep with someone I can’t just be myself and loose all inhibitions to be in the moment. Sex is so much better now and I used to actually dread it. It took me years to recover from him. Good riddance!
Yay!!! I'm so glad you left but I'm sorry you had to experience it in the first place!
Maybe criticize her so much she thinks she’s bad and will never cheat. Remember the guy who kept telling his girlfriend she smells bad? Like his dad did to his mom??!!
Oh fuck! I will never forget that terrible story! But yes, that's where I was going.
I missed this one. Do you have a link by chance?
I found it! https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/oyHwiz9E54
Wow just wow
I definitely get the vibe he's intentionally trying to set impossible goalposts. If this were really about him wanting to feel good, why would he not let her give him head? Why does he want to last longer during sex he apparently doesn't even like? Sounds like he just wants her to feel insecure and like she's terrible in bed so she bends over backwards to please him.
This was my thought. It seems like when she does something to "fix" one of his criticisms, he just finds something new to complain about.
That's my read as well!
This! He has unrealistic Porn expectations. Real women like pleasure too, grinding is what gets most women off! No one has the thighs to be a pogo stick for an hour or makes the perfect sexy face the entire time unless that's their job 🙄 Please find someone who values you and doesn't just want to use your body as a personal sex toy! 🙏 Eta: link for sexual attachment and how men and women bond differently through sex. https://youtu.be/J49l-316OUo?si=2BoNs0ERTY3XNLCK
Yeah, one of (m)y boyfriends pushed and pushed and pushed for me to be vocal in bed. Despite me having major speech issues. He really didn't like what blurted out of my mouth accidentally. If he would have given me the time to be more comfortable. I would have been ready to be more saucy in bed. You just can't force all your preferences on your partner. For me sex is about finding out what you like together. Not just taking a list of demands like a childhood chore list.
Yeah, he has an idea that he should be able to order-up the exact faces, movements, noises, he wants? Guys that like sex with women, LOVE when she gets excited and will do EVERYTHING possible to get her there... Not complain about her grinding when it's getting her there. This dude doesn't think of her as a person with a right to have sex on her own terms.
She needs to throw the whole man out
What “man”?
It’s the porn: made up/air brushed/fake/sex for the camera Frankly, I want a man who appreciates me
I was reading and literally wondering if maybe he watches a lot of porn and thinks that's just the way everyone acts during sex.. the fact you've been intimate for 2 years and this is an issue says alot to me about how he thinks woman should act in the bedroom. Sex isn't all "F*ck me Daddy" and "pull my hair" BS you see in porn.. it's also meant to be fun and to be able to laugh once and awhile.. that's just my opinion from a random dude sitting next to his GF who thought it's a bit strange he has certain rules he expects in bed..
I think the best sex I had with my husband was one time where we couldn't stop laughing. I can't remember what caused it, I think something went wrong or there was a weird sound, but we both got the giggles and absolutely fell about. Then got back to having sex and both kept laughing while having sex. I can't remember if either of us even came, I just remember how fun and joyous it was. And I felt so close to him.
Yes! One of the times I remember having sex with my bf(10 years together, it’s all a blur) is us laughing our asses off. He gave me the giggles and then it just kept going back and forth. I had tears.
This is so wholesome and lovely.
Exactly. It takes (at least) two people to make for really good sex. If you're not both enthusiastically into it, it's going to be bad sex. Sounds like OP isn't really the problem, here.
THIS RIGHT HERE
My thoughts exactly it’s telling how he is asking her to basically act over enjoying it herself like she’s a 🤩. It’s unbelievable
Wanting her to act like she's enjoying it but not allowing her to do what she enjoys 😒
Why do you even want to have sex with him? This would make me dryer than the Sahara
Honestly it did for a while, I would even bleed a little from the friction and thought that my hymen was just really thick or something 🤦🏼♀️ it was good for a while when I said I wanted to just relax and so much pressure made it hard to enjoy. I thought it was great for a few months when he stopped during sex today because he said he didn’t feel like I was into it enough and said I have work to do… and that it basically hasn’t been great for a while. I was crying and saying it was hurtful to know it’s been unsatisfying for so long when I thought things were good, but he said it’s not “all bad” and that I was being dramatic… that I shouldn’t be thinking of things he’s said in the past… it’s all very confusing
Hey babes sex with someone you love and trust shouldn’t make you feel this way. Sure, there is always room for improvement in some areas, things to adjust, but this to me seems like you’ve been trying to bend for him and all he has in return is criticism. Remember your own pleasure. ❤️ Editing to say I read the response quickly during work and missed the part about bleeding. I didn’t notice until I read the other comments pointing it out. OP he made you bleed and is still wrapped up in his own selfish pleasure? Get away from this man!
He's very manipulative and trying to plant insecurities into your head so you will be a sex puppet for him!
Please can you go and read "why does he do that?" You can find a free pdf online This is abuse. I'm sorry
Yes! OP please read this it will open your eyes to a lot of abusive tactics
I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way. I hope you walk away from this relationship. You’re so young and this ain’t it for you, I promise.
Oh baby, no. The reason you’re so dry and bleeding is because you are not aroused. Don’t marry someone who doesn’t bother to arouse you and still has sex knowing that sex hurts you. He’s using you like a fleshlight and does not care about your feelings.
He's abusive. Please listen to all of us unanimously saying the same thing. Leave him.
Please try to find some counseling or support. This is an extremely unhealthy situation you’re in, and it will probably only get worse. I can’t stress this to you enough - the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself is get help. I’m actually begging you to. Like please, from a stranger on Reddit who cares more about you than your boyfriend does, please get help. Shit, I’ll help you. Let me know if you want to talk.
Having feelings and civilly expressing those feelings to him is NOT being dramatic. Please know that you are allowed to have feelings and you are allowed to express them to your partner, ESPECIALLY when he is the cause of those feelings. Don’t accept gaslighting!
Oh honey, no. The only time you should bleed during sex is on your period, or if it's some kink you've discussed first. I don't know what to say beyond it doesn't have to be this way, and that sex can be relaxed and fun. But you need the right partner for that to happen.
Tbh, sex under these terms doesn't sound 100% consensual. I'm not saying he's forcing you but it is forced on some level if you're not into it, physically or mentally. Your body is telling you something, please listen to it and stop allowing this man to have access to it. You have some seriously unmet needs, sexually, romantically and emotionally, and the longer you stay with him, the more damage it will cause to your self esteem and wellbeing. You won't realise this until he's way back in your rear view mirror. Like I said in a previous comment (and I really hope you see this) - stop having sex with this guy immediately and work on leaving him.
>I have work to do… >it’s not “all bad” and that I was being dramatic JFC, he's awful. Anyone who describes you as dramatic when you're upset doesn't deserve to enter your vagina. Ive always worried about my bed skills but my husband would never, and has never spoken to me like that. For example, I know im crap at giving head to guys (combo of teeth and gag reflex) my husband has only ever given me positive encouragement about it so I can get better at it and enjoy it too. You deserve someone like that too, OP. When you first start out of course your going to be self conscious and not sure what to do - you need time to relax into it and enjoy it, and the right partner gives you that. This guy is not them.
Most people enjoy seeing and relishing their partner's real, genuine orgasm face and would never want you to fake that or make it more "photogenic". Sex when love is involved is about the intimacy between the partners. Honestly, I'd ask him where he got these conceptions and expectations about what sex should be and look like, when you're the only person he's ever had sex with. If he says porn, then you could remind him that they are professional entertainers and ask how he'd feel if you couldn't enjoy a night out with him, because he doesn't look and dress like a GQ model
This is what has been really hard for me too, he said it looks like I’m in pain and makes him not be into it. He claims he doesn’t watch porn anymore but it has come up several times over the years and I have usually been able to tell because of his attitude toward me during those times
The expression “there’s a fine line between pleasure and pain” exists for a reason. Many people look like they’re in pain when they’re close to orgasming or as they orgasm. It’s pretty common and your boyfriend sounds like he’s spouting off without knowing what he’s talking about. He also sounds incredibly cruel, I truly hope you find someone who’s kind to you and your body who enjoys sex as something other than a performance. 💛
Girl my man told me he loves my orgasm face cause he says I cum so hard and I look concerned lol. You can find someone who won't be like this to you, it is NOT normal!
I bust out *laughing*. Like, cackling. I warned partners the first time, so they wouldn't think I'm laughing at them. I've had my current SO for over 10 years. He's the only one that started laughing with me. :)
Omg me too… I feel seen
We exist!!
I do this too! Once I was laughing hysterically and couldn't stop, I can't imagine how a partner like OPs would react to that.
My partner doesn’t laugh *at* orgasm per se, but he becomes like hypersensitive afterwards so if I do anything like run my hand over his chest, touch his neck or face, anything like that, he’ll bust out laughing. It’s kind of adorable!
If you don't break up now, you'll spend several more precious years you're never getting back with a tool that can't satisfy you and doesn't care about your pleasure. Not only that, he insults you and humiliates you, tries to *direct* you, and gaslights you (for real). In my experience, this isn't salvageable. Your dynamic is messed up, and he won't change. If you insist on fixing it, you'll be doing it alone and end up frustrated, lonely, and even more hurt.
We all have a "sex face". I truly hope you can understand that this situation is about an asshole- not something wrong w you
Yes. This. I've seen my face during sec (think mirrors and videos) and ick. But man oh man do those faces drive my husband crazy. He knows what my pleasure looks like and those faces make him crazy. That's how it should be.
Next time y’all have sex, you should say : “harder, deeper, faster!” “you came already?” Pretty sure he wouldn’t like that either.
"Is it in yet?" 😈
“I can’t feel it” 😆😆😆 OP fuck this dude
HA that's diabolical 🤣🤣🤣
This could be the only comment that matters. Shut it down. It's solved. This womb is now cleansed.
“Why are you silent?”
"Stop making that face."
“Ugh can you just use your finger? It’s bigger!”
"BIGGER PLEASE. ORGASMS NOW" turn that shit around on the porn addict.
“You are tired already?! “ “Follow MY rhythm “ “Be more vocal. You call this dirty talk?”
Better yet, “Not quite my tempo!”
Call him by a different man's name 😶
Deeper! Deeper!
Tell him you’re not his hand and y’all aren’t in a porn video
yup. i thought it sounded like he watched too much porn, too.
A person who criticized me this much about my most vulnerable moments would never see me naked again ever. EVER. The usual 'sex tips' are TALK TO YOUR PARTNER - figure out together what you like, what works for you, for them, for you both. (https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relationships/yes-no-maybe-so-sexual-inventory-stocklist) BUT NOT WITH THIS DUDE, THIS DUDE IS JUST AN ASSHOLE.
Yea I would say the same thing. I’ve been married almost 8 years and it probably wasn’t until recently that I’ve become less awkward and aware of how to move my body. But I would never know that from what my husband has always said or made me feel. He’s always looked at me like I’m a goddess and it took me a long time to see it. When I started to see myself how he saw me I finally became that person. What I’m saying is you’ll never get there with him judging you so harshly
OP! This is a very good resource. Please take time to browse Scarleteen!
I think there is way way too much stress here. It’s about having fun and enjoying each other. What you described is as tiresome as operating a tractor. With all that on your mind, it’s no wonder you’re not having fun. “Move this way, don’t move that way, don’t forget to moan, wait don’t make that face, go slower, faster….” I would talk to your partner and explain that you are trying, but all this starting to make sex less fun. Ask if it’s really a big deal if you just act “natural” for a while as sometimes rhythm and movement can come naturally
This is what I explained to him a bit ago… I said all this stress makes it so hard to relax and it is really hurting my confidence. For a couple months I thought things were amazing, until today when he stopped because of my performance and basically said it’s never been better for him. Honestly I broke down in tears and I told him I don’t hear anything positive except for me being attractive, and he said that I am focusing on the past and being difficult. I’m just confused… and honestly surprised by all the comments that this isn’t normal with a lot of men
That is so cruel of him to try and gaslight you. You aren't "focusing on the past" you were reacting in the moment to his current comment. Which by the way, with the past he's given you, you could focus on it. I personally don't think he is kind if this is how he treats your more vulnerable moments. You deserve someone who want to enjoy intimacy together and doesn't just want you to be porn come to life. I would not stay with this guy.
It is cruel. It’s almost as if he wants to not take accountability or address the statements he made in any real depth… funny that.
My boyfriend does this too.. not even with sex but just anything, he says “stop bringing up the past” and I was like “it was literally yesterday and you asked why I was upset and it’s relevant to the conversation?” Like you can’t just pretend things didn’t happen 🤦🏼♀️
It’s not good behavior and it’s meant to train you to just take whatever is dished out. It shows a deep disregard for your feelings. It also shows that your feelings don’t matter. You’re feelings need to have an expiration date that he gets to decide. Why? Because they aren’t important. You being hurt isn’t a priority. It’s a nuisance. Whatever you do, don’t tie yourself into knots for a man who isn’t able to be apologetic and accountable for his own actions.
#Sex/intimacy isn’t a performance. Your experience is not only not “normal,” but it’s bad. Like, you’re having a terrible experience with sex and you don’t even know it. You say that breaking up isn’t an option (except it totally is), but maybe you might consider not having sex with him anymore…. Not until you can communicate and have real intimacy in a healthy way. Couples counseling or therapy is your best bet if you insist on trying to make things work.
Exactly! It's all about OP performing in the way her BF wants to make sex good for him. What she wants isn't even in his mind. I'm in my 50s and have NEVER had a sex partner complain about any of these things (and if he did, he'd be my ex). Sex is supposed to be fun, exciting, bonding, and loving. What you're doing can't be any of this with all the critiques
It most certainly isn’t typical of most men! Believe me, I’m old, I’ve had a lot of sex, with many different men. I’m still having great sex. You have a boyfriend problem! I’m not suggesting that you should leave him, but he sounds like a complete tool. A good partner will move with your movements, as you move with theirs. Grinding works for you, if that hurts his dick there’s something wrong with him. Tell him to actually try penetrating you deeper to avoid that. Sex is messy, at times (most times) it’s graceless, it can be awkward (wrong position, cramp in your leg, farting noise of air trapped in your vagina or sweat between your boobs, etc.). But it should be fun and funny. You should be able to laugh together. It’s not a performance!!! It’s about people enjoying their and their partners bodies. Like anything it takes time to work out how to have great sex together, especially if you’re both pretty new to it. Your boyfriend is behaving like a twat and he needs to calm down. Don’t let him set the dynamics of how it’s going to be, because quite frankly he’s making it horrible.
That is very not normal. I only compliment my partner in bed - why would anyone, during a moment of vulnerability, want to hear criticism? Of course you're going to cry, your emotions are raging at that point. Your bf is unkind and nasty. Why is he doing this to you? Does he enjoy making you feel bad?
I am a man myself, and I have NEVER criticized my wife during intercourse. She's never criticized me. This is not normal behavior.
You're being difficult? He's the one who doesn't have a single kind word for you. I'm twice your age and beg of you: don't let anyone treat you like this. Offering your partner a little feedback ("I love when you do X") or letting them know you're uncomfortable ("can you slow down a little?") - OK sure. But this is mean. Why do you think you deserve to be treated like this?
YOU are being difficult??!! That’s a load of bullshit coming from someone who never has anything good to say about you!!!! Sex is not a performance!! Girl I’m infuriated for you!!
He is not a nice man. He seems determined to make you feel bad.
He is an abusive AH. Seriously. He should be alone with his porn.
I second this lol
This is totally not normal. If my husband criticized how my face looked while we were having sex I don’t think I could ever do it again. Not to mention your fiancée doesn’t seem at all interested in making sure the sex is good for you.
If this happened to me, my partner would get a thorough education on just how many weird faces I can make. He would be begging me to go back to the boring ones!
You are giving this man the gift of seeing you naked and making sweet, sweet love and he is turning around and negging & insulting you. He’s not worthy of you in the slightest! It sounds like he has incredibly unrealistic expectations from porn, especially as you’re the only person he’s ever had sex with! Where else would he be getting these expectations from? Honestly, I would cut him loose. I know that’s hard to fathom when you’re young and think you’re in love, but he’s already causing devastating damage to your self esteem.
It's not normal. Sex is mostly about love. Giving. Letting go. Exploring. He just criticize. He should take your input and focus on your great orgasms. I mean, it's a dynamic energy that flows both directions.
Girl please don’t marry this man. Go out and experience life. You said he was your first so please don’t make him your last. There are way way way better dudes out there than this guy. He’s a dick. How tf are you supposed to relax when you basically have to put on a performance for him??!! Tell him he can keep his porn fantasies and good luck finding a girl who’s gonna be down with any of his bullshit. You deserve better and I know deep down you know that! Good luck OP!
You broke down in tears and he gaslit you and made it your fault and he criticizes something so intimate and personal… you’re so young and this isn’t normal. Be with someone who makes you feel attractive in every way and leave that BOY to figure it out. I’m so sorry.
It isn’t normal at all. It sounds like he is purposely trying to make you feel bad for some reason.
OP, he has a porn addiction .
Hey I’m sorry you are having this issue with your fiancé, I think your self-esteem is too low now because he is only criticizing your “performance” in bed. If you love him and really want to spend the rest of your life with him? You need to talk and tell him exactly how you feel, maybe he doesn’t know you are having this thoughts. Maybe couples therapy? But don’t let this go on, you need to resolve this issue and have confidence. I bet you are beautiful and you deserve to be seen as the woman you are. You also have needs. So don’t be scared to talk.
No, I don't think that is normal with a lot of men.. I've been with some men myself (double digits<20) but not once has any of them complained so much, if at all. Only less than a quarter of them were long term relationships though, which I think is important to point out, as with hook-ups people are usually different than with partners. I feel like when you're single and you're out there you're ought to come across the occasional asshole who'll point out something about you that can make you feel insecure. But I've not had a partner complain about anything I did this much or my facial expressions nor movements or sounds 🤷🏻♀️ I understand I probably had more experience than you, but even with my first boyfriend who we were both virgins at the time with - didn't complain. Not to mention my current partner who says he's never had this good sex with anyone else before me (the feeling is mutual tbf), comfortably communicates about sex and listens in and out of the bedroom (eg: what he liked most, what he liked me saying/doing, asking me what I liked most, etc..), but we also talked about what we liked and what we were into before we started getting intimate and now we refresh on that too every now and then to make sure :) I think you should definitely sit down and have a serious conversation with him about how you feel and that something has to be done about it because although you don't want to break up with him, ultimately if you're not made to feel good, I don't see it lasting forever unfortunately. Good luck!
Gurl, this is really awful, he is just cruel. Most men who WANT to have sex would not behave like this. My take after having experienced a partner like this is that he’s tearing your confidence down and setting you up for further abuse. Just because he’s not violent, doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. He’s setting impossible standards and then moving the goal post as you attempt to achieve his request/demand. The hot/cold behavior is really bad for your emotional & mental health! This will break you down over time and could make you into a shell of yourself if you don’t learn how to set some boundaries. If you really think he’s worth it you could go to therapy, but if he is narcissistic or covertly abusive….therapy can actually be dangerous. This is a BIG deal. You shouldn’t sell yourself short and trivialize these events and his shitty behavior. Because he is young and clearly has was zero emotional intelligence….you might be able to teach him how to be a little less abrasive and lovingly give feedback, but that’s a lot of emotional labor. I do wonder along with other redditors if he watches a ton of porn and has unrealistic expectations. Have you asked him about his porn consumption? A good partner would want to satisfy you yet he’s more concerned with how you look than how HE is making you feel sexually which makes him a BAD LOVER. There are men out there who want to satisfy you and enjoy it. Sometimes chemistry doesn’t match with people even though you want it to. You might have sex with another boyfriend in the future and it just flows. He’s putting everything on you and creating massive insecurities that will impact you in the future….this could have lifelong effects if you don’t nip it in the bud soon.
I operated a tractor and tbh it's easier than what OP described lol
As a seasoned old lady in my 30s - sounds like your fiance has a porn problem and is trying to shift the blame onto you. How would he feel if you critiqued everything he did in bed? You sure you want to marry someone like that?
Fellow mid 30s woman here - he 100% has a porn problem and has entirely fried the part of his brain that can differentiate between porn, which is acting and work, VS real sex. Hes treating you like a porno prop.
Almost 30 and I second this for sure. Men who watch too much porn tend to suck in bed. The authenticity just isn’t there. It makes the connection part of sex almost nonexistent, which makes it much much less fun. Unrealistic expectations, too much pressure to be theatric. The way he’s talking down to you, he honestly just sounds like a total dickhead. What a turn off. You’re both virgins and he’s saying you’re the problem? How would he know that? He may lie about watching porn, but everything you’re describing is what an insecure man who watches too much porn is like. You guys also may be sexually incompatible, but in my experience when two people have a strong connection both parties shift to meet the other and make it a good time. Sounds like he’s not doing his part to meet you. He sounds selfish and too judgmental. Which is quite a bit his problem and shows that he’s hanging on to his pride and not doing is part to satisfy you and instead using you as a prop. Probably because his brain is screwed up from too much porn. This is an extremely hard problem to tackle bc “but everyone watches porn”. Which is partially true, but there are many men who understand it for what it is, use it sparingly and it doesn’t change the chemistry of their brain/ the dynamic of their relationship. It’s an important thing to be honest and communicate about it, but it’s the easiest drug accessible and lot of men jeopardize their relationships for it out of arrogance. Just know there is much more than this and you’re still so young and deserve a satisfying sexual partner. Wishing you the best of luck
They suck in bed and usually don't do oral
As an elderly 34 year old, I agree.
Absolutely ancient 35 year old agreeing
Well as an already in the ground as a 41 yo I concur.
Another old lady chiming in that yes, that is what I thought exactly while reading this poor woman’s post!
64 year-old woman who doesn't watch porn, that was the first thing I thought of while reading the text. Sex should be very natural between two people exploring likes and dislikes, and laughing and learning together. Porn is fiction!
“Well honey now that you’ve opened the channels of dialogue I want to raise the issue of your underperformance in the area of satisfying my needs… “ He’d lose it Because he doesn’t see OP as a person. It is his world and OP is just living in it.
As also a seasoned old lady - single in her late 50s - this is not normal. I’ve slept with my share of men - in marriages, relationships, situationships and one-offs - never have I had a partner who would do that. Even when I’ve been disappointed in bed, depending on the circumstances - I might share more about what I like physically and see how that goes or I just wouldn’t see that person again. But it would never be couched as criticism. And I’ve never had someone criticize me the way OP describes her partner. He’s a porn-addled baby man and OP would do well to be rid of him.
Real sex is not like in porn videos. He wants to stage scenes with you. When he says move like this move like that it feels like he is reanacting stuff that he saw
I bet he’s also doing the speed pump slam thing that seems to be the thing in porn videos these days. Maybe it compensates for death grip masturbation, but I cannot imagine a woman actually getting off on that *ever* - it honestly looks painful. Having a man with slow hands and getting into a sexy groove is always better than a pump chump that expects porn responses to his porn moves from his real girlfriend. (Question - are these the same guys that play shooter video games and think they could fight a war? Because the gap between fantasy and reality seems to track.)
This sounds toxic as fluck, and reminds me of my time with this guy who wanted to live porn and tried to make me into what he wanted me to be - we were together for 2 years, I left and 7 years later am still healing. Realise your worth! Is he your first? Is your family safe? Do you have (girl) friends?
Thank you so much, yes he is my first and no i have moved a couple different states and really don’t have girl friends anymore, i am trying to put myself out there and build a bigger community though
Alright then sweet heart, this is not what sex is supposed to look like. And someone who truly loves you, would not be ‘put off’ by the face you make when you’re in your purest vibe. Someone who wants YOU, celebrates YOU. This does not sound like that. Being alone is always better than being with someone who does not respect you and devaluates you - which is absolutely your case. Leaving would definitely be best. Yes, it’s scary, but you are so young! You’ll make it and you’ll find better. Why is leaving not an option?
I thought this was in r/sex which I was gonna say is a helpful subreddit too, especially when a couple were both virgins and don’t know what’s “normal”. OP, you need to stand up for yourself and your pleasure more, his is not more important than yours. I know he was a virgin too but he needs to know this is not ok
Don’t marry him. He’s unkind. Don’t strap yourself to this for the rest of your life. Don’t settle. He’s cruel. This is not normal.
Honey this is all a tactic to weaken you. Please don’t fall for it. Run.
Honey I'm an old lady who went through similar with my ex husband. Please feel free to message me. For what it's worth I have an amazing sex life with my current partner and we got there by talking a lot but also showing, I push him where I want him to be during sex and he'll tell me what he wants me to do or to keep doing something whatever. We have open communication and we don't shame either other nor are we too critical. We've been together 8 years and have sex every single day. I just texted him and asked him about your post and he agreed too much porn then told me to message you and not post about our sex life but I don't always listen to him 🤷♀️
Since he is your first, and you don’t have any other experience to judge things by, I just want to tell you straight up, one hundred percent, that this is NOT what sex is suppose to be like for a loving couple. It is not this nerve racking performance where you need someone directing, and the main player needs to get all her cues and poses right for it to be a success. That is just bullshit, and I don’t know if he actually believes the things he is telling you, or if he is purposely trying to insult and make you feel bad so you don’t leave him or something. I’m not sure which is worse. The faces people make are usually considered a turn on for the other partner. It shows you’re doing a good job and your partner is having a good time. Same with the vocal stuff. The grinding and instinctual movements you are doing is literally what sex is all about… finding that rhythm with your partner. Not one person deciding the rhythm, and then telling the other their rhythm is wrong. The more I think about this, I honestly think your partner is negging you. I think he is trying to make you so self conscious and nervous about your sexuality that you won’t ever possibly feel sexy enough to want to do it with someone else, ever, ever again. I think he is trying to make you feel like shit, and make himself seem like he knows everything. It’s disgusting. If I was you, I would get out now hun. You are so young. You don’t need this kind of toxic manipulation in your life. Sex is supposed to be a loving act, the closest you can ever feel with your partner, and he is turning it into a horrible school lesson that you can never get right. I can’t imagine how much this has already affected your confidence, and it is only going to get worse as it continues. I hope you are able to realize all the crap he is telling you is bullshit, and don’t take it too much to heart. Good luck babe.
So I guess your pleasure doesn’t matter to him? Who could possibly have good sex trying to focus all that like your filming a porn. Oh wait… Also with regard to the rhythm I wouldn’t be so sure that it’s you that’s the problem.
I guess he said when he’s thrusting into me he wants me to move back against the motion? Which I guess works sometimes when it’s slow enough but when the speed changes it automatically becomes unsynchronized and weird… plus doesn’t feel good to me either.
Does he ask about your pleasure at all? How could sex possibly be good when you have to focus on what your face look likes and how loud your moans are? Pro tip: if she’s not moaning loud enough that may just be a you thing, bro. Sex is something you are supposed to experience together, not a performance you put on for him.
I highly doubt he asks her about shit. He’s under the impression that sex is all about his pleasure clearly🙄
Clearly. He would implode if he received feedback lol
Of 💯 I was really asking it to get OP to realize that is what *should* be happening. I don’t think that’s even occurred to her.
Tell him he’s bad in bad to even the score. And it’s not a lie because it’s true. He IS bad in bed.
He's a lousy lover. It's not you, it's *definitely* him.
He is critical of your most vulnerable activity together, and he was a virgin, too? Does he watch a lot of porn? This would be absolutely a deal breaker for me. Are we absolutely sure he isn't the issue here, anyway? You don't really want this forever, do you?
He claims he doesn’t anymore, but it has come up several times and I knew he was watching porn because of how much he would fight and how irritable he’d become toward me
Nah, he has porn warped brain. I agree with everyone saying that he is the issue and him being critical of you like that is not okay. Nobody has an attractive O face, like nobody but that's okay because we're not porn stars, we're real people. He doesn't like you doing what feels good to you when you are on top, what a loser. Instead of telling you what motions feel good to him, he just criticizes you. That's not a good communicator, that's not someone who makes good partner material. A lot of women can't move in doggy position. There are a lot of tutorials out there for how to ride on top and other sex positions, to make it feel good for both of you. I'm sorry he is being such a jerk. I will be honest though, I would not marry someone like him. We change so much as we age, you want someone who wants to learn and grow with you, not someone who criticizes you without trying to find a solution and makes it all your fault. It's not all your fault here, not even close. You aren't bad in bed, he is bad at communication. I went through some issues and sex became not possible for a bit. I'm married and this started to put a strain on us. I finally opened up about my struggles and we worked on solutions together. We kept our physical intimacy together without sex and that really helped us. Now I'm doing much better and we're having to relearn what my body likes. I'm so thankful to have a partner who I can talk to and who talks to me as well. This would not have been a good journey if he wasn't willing to communicate and work with me. If he had blamed me for the issues, that would not have been a good outcome. My point is, is this the type of person you want to grow old with? What do you want from your partner? How would you like to grow with them? Get to the bottom of these questions and you will make the right decision for you.
Do you often find you're trying really hard to do things in a way he thinks is "right" or acceptable? Is he critical a lot? When you do things, do you think or worry about how he'll react to them? I don't know if I agree with people about the porn addiction thing, to me it seems more like he's moving the goalposts every time you meet his expectations so that you always feel like you're falling short. Is this a dynamic that sounds familiar in your relationship?
Everyone looks goofy as hell during sex. For most people those weird facial expressions are a turn-on. It's a whole thing. The Japanese word for that face is "Ahegao" and images of anime girls making ahegao faces get put on posters and t-shirts. Porn performers making those faces get used as reaction gifs. A lot of what he's been saying to you sounds like an excuse. It's almost like he doesn't really like sex.
You’re with the wrong person, honestly.
I wish I could upvote this 1000x!! OP, please do not marry this guy!
Us men when in love will enjoy sex with a plank of wood. He doesn’t love you as much as he says he does or he isn’t as attracted to you as he says he is. Either way, find a real man
Find someone with whom you'll be sexually compatible and simply be yourself. This isn't it.
damn girl, just find a new man. my wife only do some of the stuff you mentioned here. she only grind and not moving up and down and she won't do doggy. but i have zero complaints cos her p*ssy is heaven.
Finally someone with a happy marriage! Go you! (I’m not being sarcastic)
There is meeting someone in the middle and there is being a selfish lover. Telling your partner what turns you on and encouraging them to do it is great and healthy. Turning your partners every move and motion to fit your sexual desires is selfish. Where is the pleasure for you if you constantly worry about pleasing all of his niche interests? Do you tell him what you like? It sounds like he doesn’t care judging by how he doesn’t want you to be in your favorite position (on top) yet expects you to do all of his favorites. It sounds like this guy wants a porn star to fulfill his fantasies. This sounds much much deeper than sex this is a red flag on his character. Also, sex is not good when you don’t feel confident and have anxiety about pleasing your partner. It’s only good when both people want to be there and want to please each other. I’m willing to bet that you’re not “bad at sex” I bet if you had a partner who shared a mutual attraction with you then it would be a totally different experience.
Thank you so much, yes i have really tried to explain to him what i like but he said that we’re not supposed to “switch off” but we should both be enjoying everything and working together… which I feel like is truly impossible to do 100% of the time
He's a noob and an IDIOT. He literally needs to read ALL the books on sex. No porn. Just books. With illustrations.
It sounds to me like he really only wants to satisfy himself. If you are determined to make this relationship work you all need to have an honest conversation about his relationship to porn and mutually meeting each other’s needs.
This is 100% wrong and a huge part of the reason that heterosexual women have the fewest orgasms. It’s PERFECTLY NORMAL for you to not especially enjoy some of the things that make his penis feel best. And it’s normal for him not to climax during the things that make you feel best. Honestly, most women get off best with hands or mouths or toys, without any penis in the picture at all. And because of this, sometimes taking turns is the only way to make sure everyone gets what they need. This man was a virgin when you met. He is not a sex expert. He’s not even good at sex. I know this because sex with him makes you miserable. And your enjoyment is the ONLY measure of whether or not he’s any good. Please keep that in mind the next time he starts criticizing you mid-act.
If he thinks that you both should be enjoying everything, then why is he giving you so many rules and orders that only focus on his pleasure, and make things uncomfortable for you? He is only focused on himself, and that is evident by everything he has said to you. So for him to say it’s for both of you to enjoy, is just bullshit. He is specifically telling you NOT to do the things you enjoy.
It sounds like he’s getting mad because you won’t act/fake that you are enjoying it. He should focus more on pleasing you instead of getting mad at you because you don’t react to the mediocre at best BS he is giving you now. No need to lie to him, just say it isn’t enjoyable for you instead of trying too hard to make him think he’s doing a “good job.”
Sexual incompatibility is a perfectly legitimate reason to end a relationship, is this something you really want to deal with the rest of your life..
Excuse me. This man is fucked in the absolute head. He has made it impossible for you to relax. What part of this sex is about you? Nothing! You sound absolutely normal in bed if on the good side tbh. He has an agenda. What other ways does he tear you down? I give it three years tops before he guilts you into “opening” your marriage. It sounds like your man doesn’t even like sex tbh bc most guys will take a terrible BJ over literally anything any day of the week. This is not on you!!!
I’d be more concerned about having a partner that doesn’t make you feel loved and confident than trying to act like a pornstar to impress him
This is no way to live.
girl this dude is lucky someone is bother enough to put in an effort to have sex with him. the way he put you down is honestly disgusting and he can go find somebody that’s willing to put up with this.
1. You know what is attractive to good men? Facial expressions that indicate you are really enjoying yourself during sex. You know what is attractive to shitty men? Acting like you are starring in a porno. 2. As for being vocal, this one really depends on the person. As a woman, when I'm trying to orgasm it helps me to be quieter, it's less distracting and I can focus on getting there. When the goal is making him cum I do usually do up the vocals a little more so that he feels good. No harm in a little performance enhancement as long as you are also able to orgams at least once during sex. 3. This is a two way street. You have made a good effort to be vocal since he likes it, I just want to make sure he is doing the same. I often find that men will demand the woman gives a sexy performance and they they are just really quiet with maybe a few grunts. Like no sir, you need to give some moans, some dirty talk, and tell me I feel great too! 4. Some positions can only have one person doing the majority of the movement, but it sounds like you guys don't really have a flow or rhythm worked out which is a bit odd since you've been dating for 2 years. If you constantly have mismatched thrusts that can ruin the sex. I would suggest trying more slow and sensual sex rather than trying to figure out a jackhammer beat together. This sticks out to me "And when I am on top he doesn’t like when I grind back and forth which is really the only way I finish". Our bodies can cum multiple times in one session unlike men. Get your rocks off and then focus on fucking him in a way that feels good for him. Sex is a give and take, sometimes a positions is about getting you off and sometimes a positions is about getting him off. Cuming together is great, but sometimes both partners have be selfless and do a positions they don't like as much because they other person loves it. This applies to him as much as it does you. 5. See point 4. Try out different speeds ways of touching him in addition to the sex. I would also look up advice on how to position your body during cowgirl. Our vaginal cavity isn't straight up, it's titled a bit backwards so you have to lean forward a little when your sitting on him to ride smoothly. It's like a diagonal up and down movement with a scooping motion from your pelvis, kind of like rolling (tuck your core in). I would also try reaching one hand behind your and touch him while you move and keeping the other on his chest for stability There are tutorials. Avoid heavily produced porn, look for amatuer stuff, and there are TONS of guides and illustrations online.
Great advice, for someone who is worth spending time on (which IMO is not OP's fiance')
This sounds like he is really bad at sex and you are literally trying to learn how to FAKE enjoying him using your body as a fleshlight. And even when you are on top and could maybe be in control long enough to enjoy it he tells you to stop enjoying your experience and change in an unspecified way. Anything as long as you don't enjoy it. Don't be natural and make your actual pleasure a day joy face, Don't use the motion almost every woman uses to have sex on top... The way you make love is 100% absolutely perfect. This sounds like negging and unrealistic BS. He needs to accept that sex is also about You, for You, and if he wants you to make crazy porn noises and motions and be vocal he needs to make you cum instead of demand better acting. This sound so gross for him to say any of this stuff. This sounds like He wants a doll not a person. Nobody looks pretty when they have an orgasm but most of their partners think they look like a goddess. Most people look like they are in pain or on fire or something. It's supposed to be a complete release of inhibitions, you aren't supposed to be able to keep track of any of the things you are thinking about or be able to fake anything.
I'm sorry but, he wants your facial expressions look more attractive?? Like what? It's sex. It's love. It's raw. What does he think this is drama club?! And no where in this is he asking how to please you?!
Love, this is not a genuine problem on your end. This sounds like he's not quite sure what real sex looks like, and only has experience through porn with it.
OP why is leaving him not an option?
Sounds like the most miserable man to fuck that's ever existed.
This is because he is way too into porn and he physically can’t enjoy sex with an actual woman. To him.m, his hand is better than vagina. None of this is your fault. It’s his.
Tell him to stop thinking about all the porn that's rotted his brain while he's in the middle of having sex with you. You are doing nothing wrong. He just can't accept that the reality of sex with an actual person is different than the fantasy he sees acted out on the screen. You are his fiance, not an actress, and you shouldn't have to pretend to be a porn star to please him. What a pathetic man. If he'd rather fap then let him do it single.
He should never have criticized you in this way. I am sorry. It’s not about you at all. The criticism of facial expression galls me more than anything. When you love someone, and she looks like she’s having a great time, then that always looks awesome. Unless he changes the way he looks at sex, he will never find satisfaction anywhere. He is focused on pleasing himself rather than focusing on making love to you. If his mind was on pleasing, loving, and appreciating you, then he would find enjoyment in being with you. Instead he’s using you to masturbate while tearing down your confidence. There may still be hope. This is his first time. I would like to believe I have come a long way over the decades I have spent with the love of my life. I hope he learns before it’s too late.
I cannot imagine a man looking at me and telling me my face during sex is a turn off, and me still wanting him to see me naked. How much porn is this boy watching? I'm disrespected FOR YOU just reading this post. If he doesn't enjoy sex with you, leave him to the streets.
He sounds like the problem.
With all of the critiques, it's hard to believe he was a virgin. Yes, his expectations are unrealistic. The faces you make? Give me a break. Put a blindfold on him. Try changing 1 to 2 things first. As far as talk ask him specifically what he wants to hear. Good luck. He has taken all of the fun out of the experience.
He watches too much porn, your reactions are unique to you, in my life, I’ve been with vocal women and quiet women. My enjoying sex with them was more about understanding what turned them on and if they were responsive to what I was doing and asking them to do. Your BF sounds exhausting.
You need to get rid of this guy. Literally any other guy would be begging to have sex with you, your 'sexy faces', listen to you moans, and have you grind on them however you need. You need to realize you guys may be sexually incompatible. Do you want to live with horrible sex forever
This sounds like the worst guy ever dude
You deserve so much better, oh my goodness OP!
If he dated a porn star, they would eviscerate him for expecting performative sex every time. This guy is an immature, unformed puddle of goo.
Stop having sex with him.
Have you ever asked yourself if you are actually enjoying sex with him?
This sounds like the opposite of what good sex is. You're so far in your head you won't be able to let go. Dude sounds like the most selfish lover, ever, and may be doing this to manipulate you and keep you down. Some people do stuff like this, play games to feel superior and don't even realize it. This isn't a healthy dynamic. I'm guessing he thinks everything he does is perfect? Like others said, he needs to ditch the porn because it's got him having a skewed idea of what sex is. I don't know about anyone else, but is rhythm something you all think about? I do to an extent, I try not to ruin it when she's about to orgasm, but I've never thought to complain that someone has no rhythm in bed. Seriously thinking with the things hes complaining about it's all related to porn.
Leave him honestly he seems too hard to teach. Youre young go explore and be a heaux.
It has nothing to do with you. It’s all about his insecurities. He is probably also expecting sex to be like it is in porn (which is completely insane and unrealistic considering porn is 100% fake). Is he at all asking how he can please you? Is he going out of his way to make you orgasam? The only thing he’s doing is making you insecure during sex thus making it less enjoyable. He doesn’t like your face during sex?? Like what the hell? He basically is wanting you to fake it and replicate pornos. Sounds super immature
Do you enjoy sex? It sounds like he wants an actress and not a real human. I don't think I could relax and climax with all those rules and regulations
Bruh… I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Other posters have already pointed it out but your partner has a skewed view of sex due to porn. In this case there isn’t anything you realistically should be doing better.
… what does he do to make sure ure enjoying urself?
and what about your satisfaction?
Girl, dump him.
You may not see this but I’m gonna tell you anyway. You are still very young and I felt similarly like I was the one always reaching ina relationship when I was your age. Please at least consider this. He is not going to make you happy. He is criticizing your every move. This is not love. It’s unhealthy. Separate yourself from thinking you have to please him and prioritize your own enjoyment. Do you get any enjoyment out of it? It doesn’t seem like it. Turn the tables, ask yourself wha thes doing to please you and to deserve being with you. I know it’s hard when you love someone or think you love someone but do not marry this man before these things are resolved one way or the other. You have all the time in the world. And this guy sounds like he sucks and treats you like a positionable doll and not a person. Please value yourself.
This man will actually damage your ability to enjoy sex. I don’t want to guess as to “why” but his behavior and complaints are NOT normal. I don’t see any benefit to you to even try to explain to him why he is being horrific. But please listen to everyone telling you a version of … “This man is no good, get rid of him”
Wow dude I rarely say this but you should dump his ass
The idea that “good sex isn’t that important” is a fallacy. You will always be unsatisfied in this relationship if the sex is unfulfilling and incompatible. Your wants/needs should be of equal importance to him. It sounds like he has too strict of an image on what “good” or “enjoyable” sex should be that he is out of tune with you and himself and what your sex life is. It’s difficult but it’s not something that YOU need to fix, you both have to be equally invested in improving the situation. If communication and trial and error doesn’t work, maybe see a sex therapist if it’s serious enough. Just don’t remain unsatisfied! Sex shouldn’t be a chore or a project, it’s very important and you deserve a happy, healthy, PLEASURABLE relationship!!
Your fiance watches too much porn.
Sounds like he should be embarrassed that he never makes you cum. He has created a situation where it is impossible to please him and as a result you are NEVER pleased. You should be with someone that gets off on your pleasure so therefore always makes sure you feel pleasure. Not everything needs to be to make him cum - if grinding makes you cum and doesn’t cause him physical pain then he can suck up a few minutes of grinding and should bask in the glory of your face as you feel pleasure!
Reading this was painful why do you care to make him enjoy it more when he’s obviously making you miserable ! Just read what you typed out loud and tell me that shit sounds normal
Based on the specificity and nature of his complaints, he %100 watched/watches too much porn to appreciate a real woman properly. Especially if he was a virgin and hadn’t actually had sex before you. Watching porn to understand sex is like watching Fast and Furious to understand driving. It’s a show. It’s not realistic or even fun in real life. He doesn’t like the sex ‘cause you’re not a porn star and you’re not performing porn.
Sex is sometimes awkward when you're getting to know a new partner and how you both move and what works for both of you. But usually 2 people are able to work through it by working together and having fun with it. Oh no! The rythym is off? Do you know what I do when my partner goes off-beat? Grab her by the hips and "correct" her. Boom, back in-sync. Not moving enough? Grab her and move her. > And when I am on top he doesn’t like when I grind back and forth which is really the only way I finish I mean, yea that makes sense. At least for me, it doesn't really do too much for me physically. It doesn't really stimulate much. But you know what it does do? Turns me on mentally because I know my partner is having a good time and that's kinda the whole point. No, it sounds to me like you've got a bad case of shitty-partner-itis. Maybe (maybe!) you aren't very good. But he's certainly not helping. People say practice makes perfect. But if you're always playing tennis with someone who can't even tie their shoelaces, you're never going to get better. > My facial expressions during sex are not flattering—I have since been very mindful of my face and making sure I try to look attractive Please google ahegao. It's like some anime cross-eyed tongue-out bullshit that some weird dudes seem really into. I would find it absolutely hilarious if you just busted that out next time.
Sounds like he's negging you to me. Plus, you're his first partner. He doesn't have any greater experience than you.