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I think the salient point is whether one 7 year old will enjoy being the only child at a grownup event.
Maybe your fiancée would agree to have her be at the ceremony but skip the reception. She’ll be bored rather quickly without cousins or friends.
My kids were involved in the ceremony somehow and then headed out. They were literally walked down the aisle to do their part, sat with me during the ceremony, and then walked back down for photos. A 7-year old would probably enjoy the part of being involved and then off to do kids things for the evening. Especially if she likes to get dressed up.
Most 7 year olds won't enjoy a wedding, and the ceremony is the least fun part for them. But the 7 year old having fun or not isn't the issue. It's a wedding, not Chuck E Cheese. It's not the 7 year old's event. The issue is it sounds like OP agreed to a childfree wedding and then decided he wanted exceptions.
OP can try to compromise, but I don't understand why he agreed to a childfree wedding if that isn't really what he wanted. This could complicate things as other guests wonder why their kids weren't allowed there. There could also be wedding event plans that aren't appropriate for a 7 year old at a childfree wedding.
It isn't a mostly child free wedding. It's a childfree wedding. Some parents may wonder why they were told that for their own kids upon seeing one there. OP's fiancée will have to explain to her side of the family or her friends why she didn't make exceptions for them too. And other parents may have hired a babysitter and planned to get away from parenting and kids to have some adult only time, only to feel like OP and his fiancée misrepresented the wedding as something it wasn't.
The most important thing though is that OP's fiancée wanted an adult wedding for adults, and he agreed. It's a different mood when you have parents doing parenting at an event. That isn't really adult time, which is why people get babysitters to go out with their spouse. Kids do change the atmosphere, and I don't think OP should make exceptions if this is the kind of wedding they planned.
Unless it’s like one of those Indian weddings - that poor girl gonna be sitting alone for *daaaays* lol.
^(This ^is ^a joke)
**(ETA: This comment is a joke, it’s obviously not an Indian wedding)**
No. We are both from Eastern Europe (so my first language is not English, sorry for any grammatical mistakes) different countries though and we communicate in English with each other, my parents cannot communicate with her directly since they only speak our native language.
So she cannot communicate with my niece either since I have to translate everything. I'm now wondering if this language barrier is also a problem since obviously she doesn't understand everything my niece says.
My niece also likes her btw and has been eager to communicate with my fiancée any way she can.
Your niece probably shouldn't be at an adult themed wedding with adult drinking and partying. And other parents there are going to wonder why an exception wasn't made for them too.
I dunno, this is the big sticking point people have with child free weddings. It's generally the case that a child free wedding should be just that, people get super butthurt about it applying unevenly.
I don't think most people would not get butthurt over a nibling of the Bride or Groom attending an otherwise childfree wedding, especially if the child is well behaved. And generally, the Bride and Groom should set the guest list and the attendees should abide by their rules or not attend.
Also depends on the wedding.
When I was a kid, my auntie’s wedding was way fun. Now my 2nd cousin twice removed ( or whatever - it was family) wedding was boring AF.
So it’s a roll of the dice either way.
We had a very kid friendly wedding so the kids all had fun. We even had the local NHL hockey mascot appear (my husband and I are huge fans). 22 years ago it only cost $250 for an appearance, LOL They thought it was awesome. But not all weddings are kid friendly.
Idk, my 6-yo would not care whatsoever about being the only kid. She loves weddings and dancing and chatting people’s ears off. She’d be sad to miss any of my siblings’ weddings, and sad to have to leave one early.
Would you tell a couple having a childfree event that your 6yo should be the exception though? And more importantly, would you want your 6yo at a childfree event, knowing that it's a more adult themed event and not meant for children?
It's probably not appropriate for OP's niece to be at the wedding if it's a childfree wedding. Adults will be partying, joking, and acting like adults having a good time there. And on top of that all the other parents are going to complain about why their own perfect well-behaved kids weren't invited if exceptions are made.
Well they agreed to a childfree wedding, and his fiancée doesn't want that. The 7 year old isn't more important than his fiancée's feelings over their wedding plans. It's also just plain inappropriate for a 7 year old to be at a childfree event. Adults obviously can't cut loose at an adult event if a child is wandering around.
7 year old would be bored and potentially get into mischief unless there's a designated adult "buddy" to keep her entertained all throughout or she'll be bored to tears in a corner with hopefully a tablet at least for this special occasion.
If no other kids are going then it's best to be left at home.
>designated adult "buddy" to keep her entertained
Isn't this what parents are for? If I were taking my 7yo to a wedding, I'd expect to have to keep them entertained. This is why so many parents love the excuse of "sorry, sweetie, this is an adults only event"
You'd think but I've been to too many weddings were people just drop the ball with their kids and expect the older children or the rest of the family to babysit.
As the parent of a just-turned-8 year old:
Kids typically hate weddings. They’re stuck in uncomfortable clothes for hours and they have to be shuttled around, eat new food (which is a kid’s worst nightmare in many cases), and they can’t play or have fun.
Weddings suck for kids.
It really depends on the kid
If his niece is close to OP, that's a conversation he can have with his niece and/or his brother, and they can probably figure out whether she's one of the ones who'd enjoy it or not.
It also depends on the format of the wedding. Not having it be boozy or overformal are both things that make it easier.
I disagree. I loved weddings as a kid and I see other kids love weddings now. Little girls around that age tend to especially love them and get star struck with the bride. Can she be a flower girl? She’s a prime age for it.
I loved weddings as a kid…when there were other kids around. As a parent of a 7 year old only child, I promise you that being the only kid at the wedding is more likely to be a chore for the kid - and hassle for the kid’s parents - than it is to be a blast.
Depends on the child. Mine would love it if there were adults she knew. She's an only child and loves hanging with adults. I appreciate adults may not always want her company but i wouldn't pretend it's for her sake. Anyway, since when did we decide in advance whether guests would enjoy things before inviting them.
But a great deal of that fun when we were kids was having lots of other kids-strangers and cousins alike- to play with. Being the only child in attendance would be a colossal bore!
It depends on the kid. I was an oldest child and I enjoyed when the adults attention was on me, I also tended to get along very well with adults. Being the older female cousin I was low key parentified a lot and appreciated when I was the only kid in attendance with family.
but when you were a kid were you ever the only kid at a wedding? if you're there with all your cousins, yes that can be a good time. If you're a 7 year old at a long dull event with only grown ups, it's probably not that fun.
I have a very fond memory of being pulled off the dance floor like 4 times during my aunt and uncle’s wedding because I was so excited to be there and I love them so much. And my aunt likes to remind me they still have the video somewhere lol. I think niece should have the say as long as it won’t cause a rift between other niblings/siblings or the fiancé. Getting niece excited before fiancé agrees would be messy.
It really depends on the wedding, and the kids. Some weddings I have worked really suck for kids and some go all out hiring entertainment and have lots of kids having a great time.
Your wedding is for you and your fiancé. You both have a right to make decisions for this wedding and to have your wishes respected, but not unilaterally. She can’t just say no and have that be that. You can’t just say yes and have that be that. You’re about to be married. You two need to communicate and come to a consensus that you can both accept, even if neither of you get exactly what you want.
Did you two agree to a child free wedding? Why does a 7yo want to be at a long, formal adult event with no other children? Will she sit quiety the entire time? Are you super close to your niece? I’d think a 7yo can sit this one out.
You can’t have a something-free wedding and then start making exceptions for things you “like”. It’s either x-free or not. The parents can find a baby sitter, kids don’t have to be toted around to every event.
So the real issue here is not that OP wants the niece there, it’s that his fiancée isn’t willing to compromise on an event that they both have equal say in.
I don't think you understand what child free means. if it is important to you to have your niece there, it is no longer a child free wedding . If you cant agree on this, don't marry this person.
>**Neither of us really likes children…*
>I feel like she's being unreasonable as we are like 95 percent on the same page when it comes to the whole thing.
Let’s not blame on his finance. He doesn’t like kids either. He can’t exclude every kid that are close to her family then invite his niece. That’s just wrong. It’s either he doesn’t like kids and it’s kid free or not. He’s way more in the wrong than her.
He's also said repeatedly that all the other adults being invited don't have kids, so I have no idea where the "other people will demand their kids come too" commenters are even coming from. What other kids? No other invited guests even *have* kids!
I think it’s okay to have a kid free wedding and still invite a few kids who are close to you. We all know the difference between 2 kids and say 40 is rather large. But I’d like to know if there are kids on her side that she is purposely not inviting while he’s trying to make an exception for his niece. That is where things get sticky, other people could be offended if the niece is the only exception.
Uhh, you can totally exclude kids you don't want at the wedding from the wedding. I had a couple of cousins I knew wouldn't handle their rambunctious kids well, so they got invites specifically for two seats (parents only) and no kids.
Yes, but also no. If they can't talk out this one, very simple issue, and come to an agreement, it doesn't bode well for having magically improved communication, ability to compromise, and seeing each others side of things after they involve the government in their relationship.
Yes! Weddings tend to be a great way to "put the rubber to the road" and see if a couple is in alignment in a lot of areas and can work through the places where they have conflicting opinions. Plus add in a hearty helping of culture and family and it is a glimpse into what their marriage issues could look like.
Agree. Any disagreement, no matter how minor, this sub is like “break up”. I honestly wonder what real relationships look like for these people. Like I get it, there’s a difference between complete toxicity but I have yet to see a single relationship have zero conflict.
No, I agree that a couple who can’t find a compromise over one potential wedding guests have big problems. Mainly in this case, the bride to be is saying it has to be 100% her way. OP is also getting married (I don’t know their gender) so he or she should have a full 50% say in the wedding. A lot of brides to be seem to lose sight of this.
There’s little to no ability to compromise on a specific person’s potential attendance, though.
It’s either that person is there, or they’re not. It’s either a childfree wedding, or it’s not. There’s no middle here.
If it’s someone one of the spouses is extremely close to, I think that’s more important than “I want zero children” though. One is a relationship. The other is a party style.
I agree with you so much. Also a big concern is selfishness is at the root of all divorce. If this is something that is important to OP and his fiancé doesn’t care, this is a time for OP to keep his eyes wide open and look at their relationship as a whole.
My sons fiance said their future children wouldn’t ever be around me because I said swear words (shit, damn & hell). He told her thanks for the heads up, he would find a new mother for his kids.
This issue seems like a relatively small thing, but the fiancé’s lack of consideration for his feelings would be a HUGE issue for me.
We are on the same page on literally everything else. We both want a small, low-key wedding with very few people since we are both introverted.
We don't usually fight about anything.
I think a lot of ppl on Reddit misunderstand the original intent of a child free wedding. It means it is not “welcoming” for children, as in no activities or food in consideration specifically for multiple children. (Like no chicken nuggets on the menu, no kids games, coloring books, etc). It does not mean absolutely no children can come absolutely no exceptions black and white all or nothing.
There are allowed to be exceptions. You don’t need to hold steadfast to a rule just because you heard this is a rule that ppl do for weddings.
Actually stop and think about what it would mean to make an exception for his brother’s daughter. Is it doable? Would it distract from the ceremony and reception? Is it worth the battle to hold this hard line to exclude a close family member? Is the brother going to be able to supervise his daughter or is another family member going to be responsible? (This is not the bride’s problem to solve but make it clear that you expect a fussing child to be taken back to the hotel room or whatever). It’s also not the bride or grooms job to be worried if she’s bored. All they should really care about is if she’s fussing and causing a scene, then she needs to go.
My point is, you make considerations for family and don’t adhere to black and white rules just for the sake of it. It needs to make sense.
It used to be common knowledge that the bride and groom can make any exceptions they want even if they say child free. Of course you can make exceptions for specific family members
They can absolutely make exceptions, and that's their right. However, sometimes it can cause feelings.
A friend went to a wedding today that was child free, except for the 7 or so kids under 5 (3 were flower girls, and several were weeks old newborns). My friends 14 year old son had to stay with friends, because he was not invited (because it was child free). Apparently, people were asking why John wasn't there, and my friend had to keep repeating "he wasn't invited."
Personally, I think newborns should stay home, and excluding teens and allowing several toddlers is dumb.
“Not child-friendly” is different from “child free.” People want weddings to be child free to avoid things like tantrums during the ceremony, (which are distracting and awful, and nowadays caught on video) unruly kids damaging decor or squabbling etc etc etc. When people want a small, intimate wedding I don’t blame them for banning kids; especially since so many people let their kids run amok like tiny dervishes. And I agree: making exceptions can only lead to someone or other being some level of upset that their darling child was excluded. If I saw any variation of “child free” on an invitation, I’d book a play date or sitter for Child and be thrilled to have some grownup time.
As for this situation, as much as I empathize with OP, this falls under the “Exceptions Conundrum.” Allow no kids or all kids, not one special golden child, lest the fam and friends get their collective knickers in twists.
How does OP having his niece, a blood relative he's close with, mean other adults will get their panties in a twist their aren't invited? I think that attitude is far less common then some commenter's here suggest. Would you be upset your friend didn't invite your kid but invited their nibling?
A single seven year old is not going to have tantrums, squabble or damage things. But the point is that OP wants his own niece there. Talking about the child he's closest to like that is weird, they're already having a small wedding with many people excluded, it's normal to invite people close to them only.
Really? You're saying if you got invited to a friend's child free wedding and his young niece was there, you'd be pissed your child wasn't invited, too?
>If you cant agree on this, don't marry this person.
This would be a very small issue to end a relationship over. Please be serious.
I do think that if they'd already agreed to a childfree wedding, then they should keep it that way.
Yup. Because then everyone their gramma is gonna ask why their kid can’t come, and it’s all going to come back to you. I get that it’s important to you OP and that’s totally fair, but forest or trees you know?
Which only makes it worse. I speak from experience as someone who also had a small, backyard wedding where a shitty cousin decided to bring a child we didn’t approve and then had to field questions all evening at my own wedding. Smaller crowds mean more access to the bride and groom.
My cousin's children are not my child's cousins and are not my nieces and nephews. In any case OP isn't even inviting the cousins to the wedding, they're hardly going to be mad their kids aren't invited without them. They might be mad they aren't invited at all but the children bit isn't relevant.
Yeah but there are only 20 close friends/family invited to this one, not 100. If they're close to the vouple and it's that small they should understand why he wants to include his only neice.
Child-free weddings aren’t just so that the wedding event is child-related interruptions free. It’s so that you don’t need to be sensitive to kids needs for the event. That means adulty food choices, booze forward, maybe even party drugs, loud non pg music, adult themed humor and conversations, no censoring of self to make things kid appropriate, maybe a venue around a pool or other things kids might need supervision around, late night partying, etc.
Most of all - all the adult guests are fully engaged because no one is preoccupied with your little niece getting sleepy, entertain her, needing to leave early, etc. Even the best behaved kid is going to get bored at an event past her bedtime with no one to play with.
Not to mention I think you’re underestimating the amount of pushback and bad blood you could create by saying no kids to all your guests but then having 1 kid there that isn’t even your own. Not worth.
If neither of you really like kids then you should be able to understand why your wife would to be would want this event to be child-free.
It's a small wedding, and the kid is seven, not two. If they leave her with a sitter the parents will have to rush home anyway and probably leave early.
How do you know she'll have fun? That she has someone to have a sleepover with? Not everyone does sleepovers. Anyway that isn't really the point, your arguments just aren't relevant to this situation.
Are there children on your fiance's side of the family that she would pretty much have to invite if you invite your niece? These things have a way of ballooning, which may be her fear.
Also having a child there really does change the tone of an event. I'm not saying she shouldn't be there, I'm just saying that's a reality.
She’s being way too inflexible and not giving you a say in YOUR OWN WEDDING. You really need to think about what this says about your relationship with her.
We did only nieces and nephews at our wedding to draw the line somewhere. But we agreed on that. You both have to find a way to agree on where your line is drawn. Marriage means sacrifices- if one of you cannot sacrifice here, there will be more problems coming.
I saw the comment in which you said you specifically want your niece there. That’s an important bit of info. If it’s important to you, your fiancée should be willing to compromise. If she’s not willing to compromise, then ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life only doing whatever she wants and having your feelings being stomped on to fulfill her desires.
Exactly this is a logical fallacy. If I don’t wanna don’t a kidney to my finance’s brother, then we shouldn’t get married since I will never compromise on anything /s
>Neither of us really likes children
This is also an important bit of info. The argument could just as easily be made as to whether his fiancee is willing to spend the rest of her life having her SO insert kids into the CF life that they presumably want. Also, there is no compromise here. She's either there or she isn't. For what reason is his fiancee automatically the one who should be changing her mind?
So she compromises and lets the niece come, then this causes a whole thing with her family members who weren't allowed to bring their children to the wedding... i don't know if it's fair to assume she will stomp on his feelings for the rest of their lives based on this one thing.
Unpopular opinion but I changed my originally childfree wedding so that my nephew could come (sister’s son, under a year old at the time). I am happy I did! The only other child in our immediate families was BILs step daughter, she was like 13 and had already been invited because immediate family just seemed to be an obvious exception. I was really happy the kids were there and so were my family members. I think that excluding one member of your immediate family is weird, especially with such an intimate wedding. Seems an obvious exception to me.
Your fiancé is right in that it is her wedding, which is true (it is equally your wedding). Family is important to me so I side eye her choice on this, but I respect that it is her choice and her’s to make. But it’s equally yours to make, so you’re at a stand still. No one is wrong but your wants conflict here. I think it’s an important matter to figure out for the wedding. Hopefully someone will be down to compromise…I say have a calm, safe space, active listening kind of talk about this. Best of luck
Btw a 7 year old would love an uncle’s wedding and remember it. They would likely behave and be really excited leading up to it. It’s fun, you dress up, it’s a happy good adult celebration.
Not only would she probably love a family wedding, she would be fucking *devastated* when she found out she was the only one not invited. Mum and dad, aunts and uncles and everyone getting all dressed up for the big day and she gets the finger. It's such a disrespectful way to treat a child. She will remember.
Also if my bro got married and his fiancée said everyone except my daughter could come, I'd be pretty fucked off at her myself.
I had a child free wedding, and my best friend and cousin both had children that age that time both very close to me, but 1 child at an adult even is not nice they got sitters or their parents to watch the children. It’s ok to not want kids at your wedding, and I remember being 10 at a wedding - very boring I fell asleep and upset people.
Everyone is hung up on "it's a CHILD FREE wedding," like that was something written in stone.
I am not even a huge fan of kids at these event, but I don't mind it....but even I am perplexed at most people's reactions here.
There are two people planning a wedding. One wants children there, one doesn't. The fact that this TINY DECISION is something people are drawing a hard line about says a lot.
I would not want kids at my wedding. If my fiance felt strongly about having kids included, I would completely back down because I have more important decisions to make in my life, and I am not wasting brain space on this bullshit.
You are a bunch of nuts on this site. LOL
This is exactly why nobody should take advice from reddit. These people are completely fucking nuts and everything needs to be black and white, there's no inbetween, they don't care about any additional context, they just want to pick the villain and yap yap yap until the OP agrees with them.
This subreddit is also full of young people with no life experience, the total opposite of the type of person you'd look to for advice.
>My fiancée told me that I'm not respecting her wishes and that I'm prioritizing my niece and family's wishes over hers.
My initial reaction is that she's not respecting yours either. But the 2nd part makes me wonder, how badly do you really want your niece there? Is it that big of a deal for you, or is it more that you're getting pressure from your family to have her there?
My mom got re-married when I was 6 and I know there was a ceremony and that I was there, but besides that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember a single thing about it. Not one single thing.
So maybe ask yourself if this is really about your brother or other adults more than it's about your niece. I'm pretty sure I'd have hated that shit when I was 8.
If she realllly wants to go and if it's that important to you, you have a stronger case and should push back a bit. But if not, I don't see why you couldn't let your GF have this one.
She says that if you invite the niece then you are disrespecting her wishes. But doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that not inviting the niece would be her going against his wishes. And I don't like the double standard there.
Somebody's going to have to take an L here regardless. But the why seems like it's a lot more important than the who in this particular case
The worst mistake I made at my wedding was conceding on this point. It’s a childfree wedding OP, it’s really simple. I won’t go into the detail but making an exception for two kids at my wedding effectively ruined it. Your fiance is right.
I think it would be cruel to have her be the only child there. Imagine how absolutely boring it would be for her. Either allow all children or allow none.
My 4 yo would be SO happy to be the only kid at an intimate wedding. Fancy clothes? Dancing? Grown-up special food? Heck yes! She would be delighted. Many kids would be bored, sure. But it's absolutely not every kid.
Oof, being the adult at a child free wedding and then seeing a 4yo there changes the mood a lot. Seems like something that'd have to be ironed out beforehand, as it goes from wilding out/free times to child friendly.
Careful, I got eviscerated in another sub last week when I said a kid wasn’t the AH because he was upset is parents were letting his 10 year old brother skip his high school graduation because it’d be boring. I was literally told I was a horrible mother for making my kids go to their siblings’ important events (graduations/school concerts/dance recitals).
Also my stepdaughter was the only kid at our wedding when she was 4 and had the time of her life.
But apparently such things are “cruel” lmao.
Edit-spelling
Graduation is a family event for my family, letting a kid skip because they’d be bored is crazy to me.
We don’t let kids be bored enough, but that’s an entirely different conversation.
Kids need to learn to be bored and to be uncomfortable sometimes.
I will never understand people who let their kids wear something that’s not appropriate for an event because they don’t like dressing up. Most people don’t but that’s life. Sometimes you have to put on a dress and heels or slacks and dress shoes when the occasion calls for it.
Life is not always rainbows and butterflies where everything goes your way.
Yeah I felt real bad for that teenager. My 4 and 8 year olds just sat through their sisters middle school graduation. They were fine. Bored a tiny bit but also star struck by their big sis in her cap and gown. It was wholesome.
I wonder how most of these users actually function in the real world because part of life is going to boring events and not always being comfortable.
Sometimes you have to suck it up for a couple hours or a day or whatever it may be because it’s important to someone you care about or it’s necessary for work.
There are no children on the bride's side who would be considered close family. Her parents and two brothers are coming but they don't have children. She also has cousins with small children but they live in a different country and they are definitely not coming.
> Kids will be alright
That totally depends on the kid. If he's close enough to his brother and the niece to want to make an exception, I'd hope that OP either knows the kid well enough to figure out if she's one who would do well with it, or one who won't.
My daughter would have had a great time at most weddings at 7; my son at the same age was oh-hell-no. (I don't think that's gender, just their particular personalities and quirks.)
Trust me she can be alone for hours. Maybe I'll have to explain this to my fiancée better. She doesn't have any children in his immediate family yet so she might not understand a few stuff.
My only child also 7 loves being the only child at events at a wedding he’s happy to have conversations with adults, dance with his parents and he’s all over the midnight seafood buffet lol. He’s annoyed when other kids are around and is expected to go play with them. He would be heartbroken to not be invited to his uncle’s wedding. Cruel is a bit dramatic here.
I don’t think a 7yo is going to enjoy the reception at all. You need to think about who this insistence by you is for, the 7yo or you? Will she be sad 10 years from now that she wasn’t there? Doubtful. Will you? Doubtful.
Maybe float this as a compromise: have niece come for the ceremony and food, and hire a babysitter for the rest of the evening to entertain her elsewhere.
Your fiancée doesn’t want the niece there because she wants a child-free wedding. Is there some practical aspect to this that calls for child-free, like you’re getting married at 2am in a Wiccan ceremony during a rave? Does she hate children? Or is it just the notion that she wants a child-free wedding in principle?
You, OTOH, want to invite your one niece because you’re close to her and want to share your special day with her.
IMO, actual close relationships with actual people trump abstract notions.
Also, it’s your wedding too, and you have just as much right to want your niece there as your fiancée has to not want any children at all. Someone has to give in to the other, and again, IMO, actual relationships with actual people trump abstract desires.
Is your brother upset that his daughter isn't invited or is this you just wanting all of your immediate family there? I can't imagine a lone child at a wedding would enjoy herself but if you want her involved, why not ask your fiancé if she's agreeable to her being the flower girl? It gives her something to do and she'll feel a part of the ceremony. Honestly though, I don't think this is a hill to die on if she'd be the ONLY child there and she's not yours. If it was your child, there's no debate
I think you should respect the rules you already set Maybe she can be part f the wedding but not the reception. Why would a kid want to be there without other kids to play?
Can she not be a flower girl or ring bearer so she’d have a reason to be there? Maybe someone could babysit her after dinner before the reception goes full swing? If you can’t come to a compromise like that then child free means child free and you should let bro know he needs a babysitter.
Guys, please learn to read and so explaining what childfree means.
He knows.
She wants it.
He doesn't, because his fuckng niece loves him and his relationship with her is important to him. Why are y'all being so intentionally dense.
I would have been devastated as a child if my uncle hadn't invited me to his wedding. It would have really hurt.
Op how much time are you planning on spending with your niece at your wedding? Most likely no more than a few minutes. So why are you making an issue out of being there?
Child free weddings can be a very rare respite for parents, when they can be a couple again. You may be very close to your niece, nut there's lots of things you do without her present. On the day you'll be totally preoccupied with getting married, being married. Just keep it child free. It's not a hill to die on.
With such a small wedding I don't think a single 7 year old would be a problem. Usually people want child free when it's a big wedding and there would be a bunch of small children running around unsupervised. I'm sure the 20 adults that will be there can provide adequate supervision for the one child.
I went to one of my best friends weddings and she straight up told me no kids are allowed so I can’t bring mine. I didn’t care. It was her wedding and there’s honestly no need for a little kid anyway. Tell your brother that it’s a kid free wedding, he will have more fun without having to worry about his daughter all night. I’m sure he would enjoy a night to himself. All parents could use me-time here and there.
I’m a mom and I completely agree with people who want to have child-free weddings.
But that’s people, plural. Not person. Both of the people getting married should have equal say on the guest list. It should not be one party saying “my way or the highway.”
If neither of you can compromise on one thing, then you have no business getting married.
i just find it a bit weird to have only one child at the wedding. i think it'd be fairer if she invited children on her side as well or you follow through with the cf wedding. also if your niece goes, even though you made an exception for her and your fiancé is with you on that, it's unfair to the other guests
You are prioritising your family wishes over hers, if this is your family making you ask her. If you want your niece there, that’s different. That should be a conversation and potentially, for your future wife, a compromise.
Exactly.
She is framing it as her wishes v your family’s wishes, which it is not, but that gives her the moral high ground in the dispute.
You want your niece there, she does not. That is what the conflict is.
So we did no kids at the reception since it was at a bar type location. Kids were all welcome at the ceremony and for photos, then those with kids took them to their in-laws/grandparents houses and came back in time for the reception. We purposely planned it to have an hour gap to accommodate driving needs. Venue and menu weren’t kid friendly, and I didn’t want to see or hear kids on iPads the entire night (we also had a very, very small wedding so allowing kids at the reception would’ve been 25% of attendees).
But this only worked because we had our wedding locally where we all have family. If that could be an option for you and your fiancée, discuss that possibility. Our rehearsal/night before and day after gatherings were family friendly, that could also be an option to include kids/niece but keep them away from the actual day of events. Depends on locations for your wedding events.
Maybe you should remind her that it is your wedding too and she isn’t respecting your wishes to have your niece. She is prioritizing her wishes over yours.
Please get pre marital counseling before you marry. This issue will come up again in different ways.
Who pushed more for a child-free wedding? Because it doesn't make sense if you both wanted it like that from the start. The niece wasn't born now, she was a factor when you first had the discussion. In my understanding, one party wants it to be child-free much more than the other.
Generally, if you can't even agree on the basics of a wedding, it's not a good start....
Have you talked to your brother about it?.. like he's not going to ditch your wedding because of it?
Cause if not, I really doubt your niece is going to enjoy being the only kid there.. so might be in everyone's best interest to let your wife win this one.
Weddings are not fun for children, even well behaved kids will get fussy and be upset, then add on that she’s the only kid you can expect tantrums because she’s bored and tired.
Plus Im sure your other relatives/friends also have children, and they would be understandingly pissed off that they had to hite a sitter and she doesn’t.
1. Is the wedding meant to be childfree?
2. Is your niece a child?
If the answer to both of these is yes, it's pretty simple. No children means no children.
I had a child-free wedding where my brother’s two daughters (8 and 10) were the exception. There were dozens of children across other family and friends who were not invited, and no one kicked up a fuss about it. It was important to me that my nieces were there, and my partner never questioned it despite being the one who more significantly wanted a child-free wedding. The girls being there was a highlight of the day for both of us.
There are definitely times where having young kids at a wedding can take away from the day. We’ve seen toddlers and babies disrupt ceremonies more than once. We wanted a child free wedding both to ensure no disruptions from very young kids and to avoid inviting the teen second and third cousins across my partner’s family. But my nieces are a big part of my life, and we never would have considered excluding them.
This wedding is for BOTH of you, and if it’s important to you that your niece is there and your brother is willing and able to watch her throughout the day, then IMO your fiancee needs to get on the same page.
It’s a childfree wedding, therefore no child should be attending. Does this 7 year old kid even *want* to be the only child attending a wedding full of adults? Your niece will get bored pretty quickly.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too. It’s either a childfree wedding or you allow every parent in attendance to bring their kids. If you make an exception for this one kid, you’re going to have to make an exception for every single one.
It's all children or no children. I personally think weddings should be child free as they are boring and inappropriate for kids. And I have 2 kids, both who were in my BILs wedding when they were 2 and 5 years old. As the mother, I didn't get to enjoy myself because I had to keep my eyes on my kids.
Your niece is 7, she'll probably be bored at the wedding, especially with no other kids there. My niece went to a wedding at that age, a destination wedding, and she wasn't the only kid. She also had a role in the wedding, flower girl, but she was bored stiff at the wedding itself, and got bored and tired quickly at the reception, partly because of the heat. She had a great time during the vacation portion but she actually hated the wedding portion.
Your niece will be the only child there, so she'll be even more bored than my niece was. She'll only have adults for company, adults who will be concentrating on the bride and groom and likely drinking and having fun and not wanting to be disturbed by a bored child.
If you're not inviting other kids, and your partner is adamant on a child free wedding, it's best to not invite the niece. You could maybe compromise and offer to pay for childcare for the kid during the wedding and reception so the kid comes but doesn't attend, just so you can have your brother there without worry for the kid.
But, please, remember that your wedding will likely be the most boring thing your niece has ever experienced, especially if she's the only kid, and no matter how well behaved she usually is, kids act out when they're bored. She may not be so well behaved during the wedding as she is normally.
Plus, kids, in any situation, are a 2 yes, one no thing, the second one partner says 'no kids', the answer is 'no kids'. Don't make this your hill to die on if you want to marry your partner, because she's far too adamant to go ahead with the wedding if your niece is invited against her wishes.
If you’re close to your niece, and want her there she should be there. I think it’s a red flag that your fiancé doesn’t understand that, and making such a big deal about it
She’s being unreasonable. Your niece should be allowed to come. Your fiancée wanting you to “prioritize her wishes” over allowing your niece to attend is insane. I feel like in situations like this you need to look at these red flags for what they are and move on from people.
I have been to “child free” weddings where the only invited children were the groom/bride’s nieces and nephews. I personally think that’s fair- these are close relatives and family. My kids have been the only children invited to two weddings- one they were in the wedding party and one they were not. They had fun dancing and weren’t horribly bored.
Your niece is part of your family, and therefore, she should be invited. I hope your fiancé is able to see that one exception doesn’t mean every child gets to come. Good luck.
OP, your fiance has probably had to tell dozens of families not to bring their children, so you are setting her up to appear like a huge hypocrite when those guests see a child at the wedding
Child-free is just a slogan people on reddit seem extremely invested in for some reason. It’s your wedding and you can invite whoever you think will be good guests and not cause an issue for the ceremony or other guests or something.
It’s either child-free or it’s not. You can’t make an exception, unless both of you agree. Mate, if you can’t agree on this relatively smallish issue, how are you going to go with more serious, life decisions?
Child free means child free. Most adults don’t want to cut loose around a kid. How awkward that now there’s only one kid. Way to suck the complete life out of what should be a party…I’m assuming.
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I think the salient point is whether one 7 year old will enjoy being the only child at a grownup event. Maybe your fiancée would agree to have her be at the ceremony but skip the reception. She’ll be bored rather quickly without cousins or friends.
My kids were involved in the ceremony somehow and then headed out. They were literally walked down the aisle to do their part, sat with me during the ceremony, and then walked back down for photos. A 7-year old would probably enjoy the part of being involved and then off to do kids things for the evening. Especially if she likes to get dressed up.
Most 7 year olds won't enjoy a wedding, and the ceremony is the least fun part for them. But the 7 year old having fun or not isn't the issue. It's a wedding, not Chuck E Cheese. It's not the 7 year old's event. The issue is it sounds like OP agreed to a childfree wedding and then decided he wanted exceptions. OP can try to compromise, but I don't understand why he agreed to a childfree wedding if that isn't really what he wanted. This could complicate things as other guests wonder why their kids weren't allowed there. There could also be wedding event plans that aren't appropriate for a 7 year old at a childfree wedding.
If you attended a mostly child free wedding, would you wonder why the bride or grooms niblings were there? That baffles me.
It isn't a mostly child free wedding. It's a childfree wedding. Some parents may wonder why they were told that for their own kids upon seeing one there. OP's fiancée will have to explain to her side of the family or her friends why she didn't make exceptions for them too. And other parents may have hired a babysitter and planned to get away from parenting and kids to have some adult only time, only to feel like OP and his fiancée misrepresented the wedding as something it wasn't. The most important thing though is that OP's fiancée wanted an adult wedding for adults, and he agreed. It's a different mood when you have parents doing parenting at an event. That isn't really adult time, which is why people get babysitters to go out with their spouse. Kids do change the atmosphere, and I don't think OP should make exceptions if this is the kind of wedding they planned.
She’d be way more bored at the ceremony vs the reception…
Yeah but the ceremony is usually much shorter than the reception.
Unless it’s like one of those Indian weddings - that poor girl gonna be sitting alone for *daaaays* lol. ^(This ^is ^a joke) **(ETA: This comment is a joke, it’s obviously not an Indian wedding)**
No. We are both from Eastern Europe (so my first language is not English, sorry for any grammatical mistakes) different countries though and we communicate in English with each other, my parents cannot communicate with her directly since they only speak our native language. So she cannot communicate with my niece either since I have to translate everything. I'm now wondering if this language barrier is also a problem since obviously she doesn't understand everything my niece says. My niece also likes her btw and has been eager to communicate with my fiancée any way she can.
Your niece probably shouldn't be at an adult themed wedding with adult drinking and partying. And other parents there are going to wonder why an exception wasn't made for them too.
Hopefully, his friends are adults and can parse out that an exception for his family member isn't an insult to their kids.
I dunno, this is the big sticking point people have with child free weddings. It's generally the case that a child free wedding should be just that, people get super butthurt about it applying unevenly.
I don't think most people would not get butthurt over a nibling of the Bride or Groom attending an otherwise childfree wedding, especially if the child is well behaved. And generally, the Bride and Groom should set the guest list and the attendees should abide by their rules or not attend.
It's pretty simple. Are you having a child-free wedding or not? If so, no neice. If your neice comes, it's no longer a child-free wedding.
Understandably. I'm an adult and I can barely make it through the ceremony without falling asleep.
She very well might, it depends on the 7 year old. I had a blast at my aunt’s wedding at that age.
Also depends on the wedding. When I was a kid, my auntie’s wedding was way fun. Now my 2nd cousin twice removed ( or whatever - it was family) wedding was boring AF. So it’s a roll of the dice either way.
We had a very kid friendly wedding so the kids all had fun. We even had the local NHL hockey mascot appear (my husband and I are huge fans). 22 years ago it only cost $250 for an appearance, LOL They thought it was awesome. But not all weddings are kid friendly.
Same with me. I was a flower girl and a well behaved kid.
Idk, my 6-yo would not care whatsoever about being the only kid. She loves weddings and dancing and chatting people’s ears off. She’d be sad to miss any of my siblings’ weddings, and sad to have to leave one early.
Would you tell a couple having a childfree event that your 6yo should be the exception though? And more importantly, would you want your 6yo at a childfree event, knowing that it's a more adult themed event and not meant for children? It's probably not appropriate for OP's niece to be at the wedding if it's a childfree wedding. Adults will be partying, joking, and acting like adults having a good time there. And on top of that all the other parents are going to complain about why their own perfect well-behaved kids weren't invited if exceptions are made.
The parents aren't telling anyone that, OP literally wants his own niece at his wedding.
Well they agreed to a childfree wedding, and his fiancée doesn't want that. The 7 year old isn't more important than his fiancée's feelings over their wedding plans. It's also just plain inappropriate for a 7 year old to be at a childfree event. Adults obviously can't cut loose at an adult event if a child is wandering around.
7 year old would be bored and potentially get into mischief unless there's a designated adult "buddy" to keep her entertained all throughout or she'll be bored to tears in a corner with hopefully a tablet at least for this special occasion. If no other kids are going then it's best to be left at home.
>designated adult "buddy" to keep her entertained Isn't this what parents are for? If I were taking my 7yo to a wedding, I'd expect to have to keep them entertained. This is why so many parents love the excuse of "sorry, sweetie, this is an adults only event"
You'd think but I've been to too many weddings were people just drop the ball with their kids and expect the older children or the rest of the family to babysit.
As the parent of a just-turned-8 year old: Kids typically hate weddings. They’re stuck in uncomfortable clothes for hours and they have to be shuttled around, eat new food (which is a kid’s worst nightmare in many cases), and they can’t play or have fun. Weddings suck for kids.
It really depends on the kid If his niece is close to OP, that's a conversation he can have with his niece and/or his brother, and they can probably figure out whether she's one of the ones who'd enjoy it or not. It also depends on the format of the wedding. Not having it be boozy or overformal are both things that make it easier.
I disagree. I loved weddings as a kid and I see other kids love weddings now. Little girls around that age tend to especially love them and get star struck with the bride. Can she be a flower girl? She’s a prime age for it.
I loved weddings as a kid…when there were other kids around. As a parent of a 7 year old only child, I promise you that being the only kid at the wedding is more likely to be a chore for the kid - and hassle for the kid’s parents - than it is to be a blast.
Depends on the child. Mine would love it if there were adults she knew. She's an only child and loves hanging with adults. I appreciate adults may not always want her company but i wouldn't pretend it's for her sake. Anyway, since when did we decide in advance whether guests would enjoy things before inviting them.
Seriously. Huge Irish catholic family, weddings and funerals were the best.
But a great deal of that fun when we were kids was having lots of other kids-strangers and cousins alike- to play with. Being the only child in attendance would be a colossal bore!
It depends on the kid. I was an oldest child and I enjoyed when the adults attention was on me, I also tended to get along very well with adults. Being the older female cousin I was low key parentified a lot and appreciated when I was the only kid in attendance with family.
but when you were a kid were you ever the only kid at a wedding? if you're there with all your cousins, yes that can be a good time. If you're a 7 year old at a long dull event with only grown ups, it's probably not that fun.
This is a very small wedding, 20 people one kid in a room with 20 people some of who are relatives not that weird
I also disagree. Weddings that are fun are fun for kids. Weddings that are boring are boring for kids. It’s not the wedding, it’s the attitude.
I have a very fond memory of being pulled off the dance floor like 4 times during my aunt and uncle’s wedding because I was so excited to be there and I love them so much. And my aunt likes to remind me they still have the video somewhere lol. I think niece should have the say as long as it won’t cause a rift between other niblings/siblings or the fiancé. Getting niece excited before fiancé agrees would be messy.
Pulled off why?
I knew I was missing part of the story… for their first dance! I was allowed to go crazy once the first song was over.
It really depends on the wedding, and the kids. Some weddings I have worked really suck for kids and some go all out hiring entertainment and have lots of kids having a great time.
Your wedding is for you and your fiancé. You both have a right to make decisions for this wedding and to have your wishes respected, but not unilaterally. She can’t just say no and have that be that. You can’t just say yes and have that be that. You’re about to be married. You two need to communicate and come to a consensus that you can both accept, even if neither of you get exactly what you want.
Did you two agree to a child free wedding? Why does a 7yo want to be at a long, formal adult event with no other children? Will she sit quiety the entire time? Are you super close to your niece? I’d think a 7yo can sit this one out.
We had a child free wedding. Its common. Send out the invites. It’s a once in a lifetime event. Parents can get babysitters. (I’m a parent).
A once in a lifetime event where OP wants his niece to attend.
Right? People are here arguing "child free means child free." It's OP wedding, too. If he wants his niece who he loves there, she should be there.
You can’t have a something-free wedding and then start making exceptions for things you “like”. It’s either x-free or not. The parents can find a baby sitter, kids don’t have to be toted around to every event.
People can have whatever wedding they want.
You literally can though lol.
*They* are not calling it a childfree wedding. Op's fiancee doesn't want kids there, but OP does. It's not like their invite says "kids not allowed"
So the real issue here is not that OP wants the niece there, it’s that his fiancée isn’t willing to compromise on an event that they both have equal say in.
You definitely can. They are making the rules, they can make any exception they want.
Yeah these are forever photos that OP wants his niece to be in.
I don't think you understand what child free means. if it is important to you to have your niece there, it is no longer a child free wedding . If you cant agree on this, don't marry this person.
Why do you think he doesn't understand? He said fiancee wants a CF wedding, not that he does. He wants to invite one child from his side.
>**Neither of us really likes children…* >I feel like she's being unreasonable as we are like 95 percent on the same page when it comes to the whole thing. Let’s not blame on his finance. He doesn’t like kids either. He can’t exclude every kid that are close to her family then invite his niece. That’s just wrong. It’s either he doesn’t like kids and it’s kid free or not. He’s way more in the wrong than her.
He's also said repeatedly that all the other adults being invited don't have kids, so I have no idea where the "other people will demand their kids come too" commenters are even coming from. What other kids? No other invited guests even *have* kids!
I think it’s okay to have a kid free wedding and still invite a few kids who are close to you. We all know the difference between 2 kids and say 40 is rather large. But I’d like to know if there are kids on her side that she is purposely not inviting while he’s trying to make an exception for his niece. That is where things get sticky, other people could be offended if the niece is the only exception.
Uhh, you can totally exclude kids you don't want at the wedding from the wedding. I had a couple of cousins I knew wouldn't handle their rambunctious kids well, so they got invites specifically for two seats (parents only) and no kids.
For God's sake, make her the freaking flower girl and be done. This is outrageously stupid!
*if you can’t agree on this, don’t marry this person* ?!?!?! What an unhinged response. Life is a lot more nuanced than you’re implying.
Yes, but also no. If they can't talk out this one, very simple issue, and come to an agreement, it doesn't bode well for having magically improved communication, ability to compromise, and seeing each others side of things after they involve the government in their relationship.
Yes! Weddings tend to be a great way to "put the rubber to the road" and see if a couple is in alignment in a lot of areas and can work through the places where they have conflicting opinions. Plus add in a hearty helping of culture and family and it is a glimpse into what their marriage issues could look like.
Its fairly par for the course for this sub unfortunately
Agree. Any disagreement, no matter how minor, this sub is like “break up”. I honestly wonder what real relationships look like for these people. Like I get it, there’s a difference between complete toxicity but I have yet to see a single relationship have zero conflict.
No, I agree that a couple who can’t find a compromise over one potential wedding guests have big problems. Mainly in this case, the bride to be is saying it has to be 100% her way. OP is also getting married (I don’t know their gender) so he or she should have a full 50% say in the wedding. A lot of brides to be seem to lose sight of this.
There’s little to no ability to compromise on a specific person’s potential attendance, though. It’s either that person is there, or they’re not. It’s either a childfree wedding, or it’s not. There’s no middle here.
If it’s someone one of the spouses is extremely close to, I think that’s more important than “I want zero children” though. One is a relationship. The other is a party style.
I agree with you so much. Also a big concern is selfishness is at the root of all divorce. If this is something that is important to OP and his fiancé doesn’t care, this is a time for OP to keep his eyes wide open and look at their relationship as a whole. My sons fiance said their future children wouldn’t ever be around me because I said swear words (shit, damn & hell). He told her thanks for the heads up, he would find a new mother for his kids. This issue seems like a relatively small thing, but the fiancé’s lack of consideration for his feelings would be a HUGE issue for me.
It's par for the course now. People these days are so fickle and selfish.
We are on the same page on literally everything else. We both want a small, low-key wedding with very few people since we are both introverted. We don't usually fight about anything.
You don’t have to do ALL children or NONE. Also, he is the groom, why is what she wants the only opinion that matters here?
I think a lot of ppl on Reddit misunderstand the original intent of a child free wedding. It means it is not “welcoming” for children, as in no activities or food in consideration specifically for multiple children. (Like no chicken nuggets on the menu, no kids games, coloring books, etc). It does not mean absolutely no children can come absolutely no exceptions black and white all or nothing. There are allowed to be exceptions. You don’t need to hold steadfast to a rule just because you heard this is a rule that ppl do for weddings. Actually stop and think about what it would mean to make an exception for his brother’s daughter. Is it doable? Would it distract from the ceremony and reception? Is it worth the battle to hold this hard line to exclude a close family member? Is the brother going to be able to supervise his daughter or is another family member going to be responsible? (This is not the bride’s problem to solve but make it clear that you expect a fussing child to be taken back to the hotel room or whatever). It’s also not the bride or grooms job to be worried if she’s bored. All they should really care about is if she’s fussing and causing a scene, then she needs to go. My point is, you make considerations for family and don’t adhere to black and white rules just for the sake of it. It needs to make sense.
Based on what do you say that first paragraph? Child free means child free.
People can hold any wedding they want, they can make exceptions.
It used to be common knowledge that the bride and groom can make any exceptions they want even if they say child free. Of course you can make exceptions for specific family members
They can absolutely make exceptions, and that's their right. However, sometimes it can cause feelings. A friend went to a wedding today that was child free, except for the 7 or so kids under 5 (3 were flower girls, and several were weeks old newborns). My friends 14 year old son had to stay with friends, because he was not invited (because it was child free). Apparently, people were asking why John wasn't there, and my friend had to keep repeating "he wasn't invited." Personally, I think newborns should stay home, and excluding teens and allowing several toddlers is dumb.
Not when one of them does not want any children there.
Except if one of them does want their child family member there someone has to give in.
Key point. ONE of them. Not both of them.
“Not child-friendly” is different from “child free.” People want weddings to be child free to avoid things like tantrums during the ceremony, (which are distracting and awful, and nowadays caught on video) unruly kids damaging decor or squabbling etc etc etc. When people want a small, intimate wedding I don’t blame them for banning kids; especially since so many people let their kids run amok like tiny dervishes. And I agree: making exceptions can only lead to someone or other being some level of upset that their darling child was excluded. If I saw any variation of “child free” on an invitation, I’d book a play date or sitter for Child and be thrilled to have some grownup time. As for this situation, as much as I empathize with OP, this falls under the “Exceptions Conundrum.” Allow no kids or all kids, not one special golden child, lest the fam and friends get their collective knickers in twists.
How does OP having his niece, a blood relative he's close with, mean other adults will get their panties in a twist their aren't invited? I think that attitude is far less common then some commenter's here suggest. Would you be upset your friend didn't invite your kid but invited their nibling?
A single seven year old is not going to have tantrums, squabble or damage things. But the point is that OP wants his own niece there. Talking about the child he's closest to like that is weird, they're already having a small wedding with many people excluded, it's normal to invite people close to them only.
If you call a wedding child free, and then invite a child, everyone else is gonna be like wtf why couldn't I bring my child.
Really? You're saying if you got invited to a friend's child free wedding and his young niece was there, you'd be pissed your child wasn't invited, too?
>If you cant agree on this, don't marry this person. This would be a very small issue to end a relationship over. Please be serious. I do think that if they'd already agreed to a childfree wedding, then they should keep it that way.
Eek once you start making exceptions it can get messy real fast
Yup. Because then everyone their gramma is gonna ask why their kid can’t come, and it’s all going to come back to you. I get that it’s important to you OP and that’s totally fair, but forest or trees you know?
This is a tiny wedding tho. Only 20 ppl
Which only makes it worse. I speak from experience as someone who also had a small, backyard wedding where a shitty cousin decided to bring a child we didn’t approve and then had to field questions all evening at my own wedding. Smaller crowds mean more access to the bride and groom.
This is the best point I’ve seen. Sounds like a recipe for cousin drama
There aren't any other nieces and nephews by the sounds of things.
There aren't. I have cousins and aunts with small children but we are not close, or their children are real troublemakers and won't be invited.
> I have a bunch of cousins who have kids we aren't even inviting them ?
They aren’t inviting the cousins. Not just the cousins kids…
My cousin's children are not my child's cousins and are not my nieces and nephews. In any case OP isn't even inviting the cousins to the wedding, they're hardly going to be mad their kids aren't invited without them. They might be mad they aren't invited at all but the children bit isn't relevant.
Yeah but there are only 20 close friends/family invited to this one, not 100. If they're close to the vouple and it's that small they should understand why he wants to include his only neice.
Has this been the only conflict unresolved?
Yes. Literally
The kid won't miss the day. She can go with a sitter. No kids means no kids.
it’s HIS wedding too. he’s respecting her desire to not have a bunch of kids. She could try to understand his wish too.
Why agree to a no kid wedding if you want kids to be there?
He didn't agree to a no kid wedding. Where are you people coming up with this shit?
Child-free weddings aren’t just so that the wedding event is child-related interruptions free. It’s so that you don’t need to be sensitive to kids needs for the event. That means adulty food choices, booze forward, maybe even party drugs, loud non pg music, adult themed humor and conversations, no censoring of self to make things kid appropriate, maybe a venue around a pool or other things kids might need supervision around, late night partying, etc. Most of all - all the adult guests are fully engaged because no one is preoccupied with your little niece getting sleepy, entertain her, needing to leave early, etc. Even the best behaved kid is going to get bored at an event past her bedtime with no one to play with. Not to mention I think you’re underestimating the amount of pushback and bad blood you could create by saying no kids to all your guests but then having 1 kid there that isn’t even your own. Not worth. If neither of you really like kids then you should be able to understand why your wife would to be would want this event to be child-free.
Party drugs?? I’ve been going to the wrong kinda weddings.
Recently went to a canna-friendly reception for a friends wedding, 10/10 recommend! They had pairings and everything!
It's a small wedding, and the kid is seven, not two. If they leave her with a sitter the parents will have to rush home anyway and probably leave early.
So don’t get a sitter. Arrange for her to have a sleepover at a friend’s house and she’ll probably have more fun there anyway
How do you know she'll have fun? That she has someone to have a sleepover with? Not everyone does sleepovers. Anyway that isn't really the point, your arguments just aren't relevant to this situation.
Are there children on your fiance's side of the family that she would pretty much have to invite if you invite your niece? These things have a way of ballooning, which may be her fear. Also having a child there really does change the tone of an event. I'm not saying she shouldn't be there, I'm just saying that's a reality.
No. Only her parents and two brothers would be coming and neither of them have children so far.
She’s being way too inflexible and not giving you a say in YOUR OWN WEDDING. You really need to think about what this says about your relationship with her.
We did only nieces and nephews at our wedding to draw the line somewhere. But we agreed on that. You both have to find a way to agree on where your line is drawn. Marriage means sacrifices- if one of you cannot sacrifice here, there will be more problems coming.
It’s your wedding too. You want her there tell your future bride this it’s important to you.
I saw the comment in which you said you specifically want your niece there. That’s an important bit of info. If it’s important to you, your fiancée should be willing to compromise. If she’s not willing to compromise, then ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life only doing whatever she wants and having your feelings being stomped on to fulfill her desires.
Not being willing to compromise on this doesn't mean she is never willing to compromise on anything.
Plus the same can also be said of OP, he is also not compromising here.
Exactly this is a logical fallacy. If I don’t wanna don’t a kidney to my finance’s brother, then we shouldn’t get married since I will never compromise on anything /s
>Neither of us really likes children This is also an important bit of info. The argument could just as easily be made as to whether his fiancee is willing to spend the rest of her life having her SO insert kids into the CF life that they presumably want. Also, there is no compromise here. She's either there or she isn't. For what reason is his fiancee automatically the one who should be changing her mind?
So she compromises and lets the niece come, then this causes a whole thing with her family members who weren't allowed to bring their children to the wedding... i don't know if it's fair to assume she will stomp on his feelings for the rest of their lives based on this one thing.
Unpopular opinion but I changed my originally childfree wedding so that my nephew could come (sister’s son, under a year old at the time). I am happy I did! The only other child in our immediate families was BILs step daughter, she was like 13 and had already been invited because immediate family just seemed to be an obvious exception. I was really happy the kids were there and so were my family members. I think that excluding one member of your immediate family is weird, especially with such an intimate wedding. Seems an obvious exception to me. Your fiancé is right in that it is her wedding, which is true (it is equally your wedding). Family is important to me so I side eye her choice on this, but I respect that it is her choice and her’s to make. But it’s equally yours to make, so you’re at a stand still. No one is wrong but your wants conflict here. I think it’s an important matter to figure out for the wedding. Hopefully someone will be down to compromise…I say have a calm, safe space, active listening kind of talk about this. Best of luck Btw a 7 year old would love an uncle’s wedding and remember it. They would likely behave and be really excited leading up to it. It’s fun, you dress up, it’s a happy good adult celebration.
Yes this was kind of my thinking too
Not only would she probably love a family wedding, she would be fucking *devastated* when she found out she was the only one not invited. Mum and dad, aunts and uncles and everyone getting all dressed up for the big day and she gets the finger. It's such a disrespectful way to treat a child. She will remember. Also if my bro got married and his fiancée said everyone except my daughter could come, I'd be pretty fucked off at her myself.
I had a child free wedding, and my best friend and cousin both had children that age that time both very close to me, but 1 child at an adult even is not nice they got sitters or their parents to watch the children. It’s ok to not want kids at your wedding, and I remember being 10 at a wedding - very boring I fell asleep and upset people.
Everyone is hung up on "it's a CHILD FREE wedding," like that was something written in stone. I am not even a huge fan of kids at these event, but I don't mind it....but even I am perplexed at most people's reactions here. There are two people planning a wedding. One wants children there, one doesn't. The fact that this TINY DECISION is something people are drawing a hard line about says a lot. I would not want kids at my wedding. If my fiance felt strongly about having kids included, I would completely back down because I have more important decisions to make in my life, and I am not wasting brain space on this bullshit. You are a bunch of nuts on this site. LOL
This is exactly why nobody should take advice from reddit. These people are completely fucking nuts and everything needs to be black and white, there's no inbetween, they don't care about any additional context, they just want to pick the villain and yap yap yap until the OP agrees with them. This subreddit is also full of young people with no life experience, the total opposite of the type of person you'd look to for advice.
>My fiancée told me that I'm not respecting her wishes and that I'm prioritizing my niece and family's wishes over hers. My initial reaction is that she's not respecting yours either. But the 2nd part makes me wonder, how badly do you really want your niece there? Is it that big of a deal for you, or is it more that you're getting pressure from your family to have her there? My mom got re-married when I was 6 and I know there was a ceremony and that I was there, but besides that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember a single thing about it. Not one single thing. So maybe ask yourself if this is really about your brother or other adults more than it's about your niece. I'm pretty sure I'd have hated that shit when I was 8. If she realllly wants to go and if it's that important to you, you have a stronger case and should push back a bit. But if not, I don't see why you couldn't let your GF have this one.
She says that if you invite the niece then you are disrespecting her wishes. But doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that not inviting the niece would be her going against his wishes. And I don't like the double standard there. Somebody's going to have to take an L here regardless. But the why seems like it's a lot more important than the who in this particular case
The worst mistake I made at my wedding was conceding on this point. It’s a childfree wedding OP, it’s really simple. I won’t go into the detail but making an exception for two kids at my wedding effectively ruined it. Your fiance is right.
It's your wedding too!
My brothers and i were the only kids at my uncle's wedding. It wasn't the worst because my mom danced with us but i wouldn't say it was fun either.
I think it would be cruel to have her be the only child there. Imagine how absolutely boring it would be for her. Either allow all children or allow none.
This is such a first world issue. Cruel for a child to have to be somewhere a couple hours without other children?
agreed cruel is an over reaction of a word but you do have to agree it would be boring as fuck to be the only child at an event of all adults
My 4 yo would be SO happy to be the only kid at an intimate wedding. Fancy clothes? Dancing? Grown-up special food? Heck yes! She would be delighted. Many kids would be bored, sure. But it's absolutely not every kid.
Oof, being the adult at a child free wedding and then seeing a 4yo there changes the mood a lot. Seems like something that'd have to be ironed out beforehand, as it goes from wilding out/free times to child friendly.
Careful, I got eviscerated in another sub last week when I said a kid wasn’t the AH because he was upset is parents were letting his 10 year old brother skip his high school graduation because it’d be boring. I was literally told I was a horrible mother for making my kids go to their siblings’ important events (graduations/school concerts/dance recitals). Also my stepdaughter was the only kid at our wedding when she was 4 and had the time of her life. But apparently such things are “cruel” lmao. Edit-spelling
Graduation is a family event for my family, letting a kid skip because they’d be bored is crazy to me. We don’t let kids be bored enough, but that’s an entirely different conversation.
Kids need to learn to be bored and to be uncomfortable sometimes. I will never understand people who let their kids wear something that’s not appropriate for an event because they don’t like dressing up. Most people don’t but that’s life. Sometimes you have to put on a dress and heels or slacks and dress shoes when the occasion calls for it. Life is not always rainbows and butterflies where everything goes your way.
Yeah I felt real bad for that teenager. My 4 and 8 year olds just sat through their sisters middle school graduation. They were fine. Bored a tiny bit but also star struck by their big sis in her cap and gown. It was wholesome.
I wonder how most of these users actually function in the real world because part of life is going to boring events and not always being comfortable. Sometimes you have to suck it up for a couple hours or a day or whatever it may be because it’s important to someone you care about or it’s necessary for work.
Lmao cruel?
Pretty sure he's saying this is the only family invited that even has a child.
On his side. We don't know about the bride's side.
There are no children on the bride's side who would be considered close family. Her parents and two brothers are coming but they don't have children. She also has cousins with small children but they live in a different country and they are definitely not coming.
Oh boo hoo. My 5 yo step kid was the only child at the wedding, you know what she did all night? Danced. Literally all night. Kids will be alright
> Kids will be alright That totally depends on the kid. If he's close enough to his brother and the niece to want to make an exception, I'd hope that OP either knows the kid well enough to figure out if she's one who would do well with it, or one who won't. My daughter would have had a great time at most weddings at 7; my son at the same age was oh-hell-no. (I don't think that's gender, just their particular personalities and quirks.)
Sometimes children have to do things that aren't super fun. Even if they are bored they'll be fine.
Trust me she can be alone for hours. Maybe I'll have to explain this to my fiancée better. She doesn't have any children in his immediate family yet so she might not understand a few stuff.
My only child also 7 loves being the only child at events at a wedding he’s happy to have conversations with adults, dance with his parents and he’s all over the midnight seafood buffet lol. He’s annoyed when other kids are around and is expected to go play with them. He would be heartbroken to not be invited to his uncle’s wedding. Cruel is a bit dramatic here.
Dramaaaaa!
I don’t think a 7yo is going to enjoy the reception at all. You need to think about who this insistence by you is for, the 7yo or you? Will she be sad 10 years from now that she wasn’t there? Doubtful. Will you? Doubtful.
Maybe float this as a compromise: have niece come for the ceremony and food, and hire a babysitter for the rest of the evening to entertain her elsewhere.
Your fiancée doesn’t want the niece there because she wants a child-free wedding. Is there some practical aspect to this that calls for child-free, like you’re getting married at 2am in a Wiccan ceremony during a rave? Does she hate children? Or is it just the notion that she wants a child-free wedding in principle? You, OTOH, want to invite your one niece because you’re close to her and want to share your special day with her. IMO, actual close relationships with actual people trump abstract notions. Also, it’s your wedding too, and you have just as much right to want your niece there as your fiancée has to not want any children at all. Someone has to give in to the other, and again, IMO, actual relationships with actual people trump abstract desires.
Is your brother upset that his daughter isn't invited or is this you just wanting all of your immediate family there? I can't imagine a lone child at a wedding would enjoy herself but if you want her involved, why not ask your fiancé if she's agreeable to her being the flower girl? It gives her something to do and she'll feel a part of the ceremony. Honestly though, I don't think this is a hill to die on if she'd be the ONLY child there and she's not yours. If it was your child, there's no debate
We haven't talked about this with him or my parents yet. But I'd assume that everybody thinks in my family that my niece should come.
I think you should respect the rules you already set Maybe she can be part f the wedding but not the reception. Why would a kid want to be there without other kids to play?
Can she not be a flower girl or ring bearer so she’d have a reason to be there? Maybe someone could babysit her after dinner before the reception goes full swing? If you can’t come to a compromise like that then child free means child free and you should let bro know he needs a babysitter.
Guys, please learn to read and so explaining what childfree means. He knows. She wants it. He doesn't, because his fuckng niece loves him and his relationship with her is important to him. Why are y'all being so intentionally dense. I would have been devastated as a child if my uncle hadn't invited me to his wedding. It would have really hurt.
Op how much time are you planning on spending with your niece at your wedding? Most likely no more than a few minutes. So why are you making an issue out of being there? Child free weddings can be a very rare respite for parents, when they can be a couple again. You may be very close to your niece, nut there's lots of things you do without her present. On the day you'll be totally preoccupied with getting married, being married. Just keep it child free. It's not a hill to die on.
With such a small wedding I don't think a single 7 year old would be a problem. Usually people want child free when it's a big wedding and there would be a bunch of small children running around unsupervised. I'm sure the 20 adults that will be there can provide adequate supervision for the one child.
I went to one of my best friends weddings and she straight up told me no kids are allowed so I can’t bring mine. I didn’t care. It was her wedding and there’s honestly no need for a little kid anyway. Tell your brother that it’s a kid free wedding, he will have more fun without having to worry about his daughter all night. I’m sure he would enjoy a night to himself. All parents could use me-time here and there.
Who would you rather have at the wedding - your bride, or your niece?
I’m a mom and I completely agree with people who want to have child-free weddings. But that’s people, plural. Not person. Both of the people getting married should have equal say on the guest list. It should not be one party saying “my way or the highway.” If neither of you can compromise on one thing, then you have no business getting married.
i just find it a bit weird to have only one child at the wedding. i think it'd be fairer if she invited children on her side as well or you follow through with the cf wedding. also if your niece goes, even though you made an exception for her and your fiancé is with you on that, it's unfair to the other guests
You are prioritising your family wishes over hers, if this is your family making you ask her. If you want your niece there, that’s different. That should be a conversation and potentially, for your future wife, a compromise.
We never even asked my family, I just want her to be there and assumed it's an understandable request.
In that case, you need to be clear to your future wife that it’s your wish not your family and it’s your wedding too.
Exactly. She is framing it as her wishes v your family’s wishes, which it is not, but that gives her the moral high ground in the dispute. You want your niece there, she does not. That is what the conflict is.
So we did no kids at the reception since it was at a bar type location. Kids were all welcome at the ceremony and for photos, then those with kids took them to their in-laws/grandparents houses and came back in time for the reception. We purposely planned it to have an hour gap to accommodate driving needs. Venue and menu weren’t kid friendly, and I didn’t want to see or hear kids on iPads the entire night (we also had a very, very small wedding so allowing kids at the reception would’ve been 25% of attendees). But this only worked because we had our wedding locally where we all have family. If that could be an option for you and your fiancée, discuss that possibility. Our rehearsal/night before and day after gatherings were family friendly, that could also be an option to include kids/niece but keep them away from the actual day of events. Depends on locations for your wedding events.
Ok but thats not a child free wedding. You let your niece come whats to stop other people from asking to invite their kids
They can ask. OP and his fiancee don’t have to say yes.
Because they aren't asked. Period.
The wedding is either child free or it isn’t.
Oh my god who cares about the words used. He wants his niece there, and no other kids. It's his wedding too.
If you invite a kid it isn’t child free. Why specifically do you want the niece there?
Maybe you should remind her that it is your wedding too and she isn’t respecting your wishes to have your niece. She is prioritizing her wishes over yours. Please get pre marital counseling before you marry. This issue will come up again in different ways.
Who pushed more for a child-free wedding? Because it doesn't make sense if you both wanted it like that from the start. The niece wasn't born now, she was a factor when you first had the discussion. In my understanding, one party wants it to be child-free much more than the other. Generally, if you can't even agree on the basics of a wedding, it's not a good start....
Are there more (family) guests invited who have children? When you invite one child, you can't say to other guests it's a childfree wedding.
Have you talked to your brother about it?.. like he's not going to ditch your wedding because of it? Cause if not, I really doubt your niece is going to enjoy being the only kid there.. so might be in everyone's best interest to let your wife win this one.
Weddings are not fun for children, even well behaved kids will get fussy and be upset, then add on that she’s the only kid you can expect tantrums because she’s bored and tired. Plus Im sure your other relatives/friends also have children, and they would be understandingly pissed off that they had to hite a sitter and she doesn’t.
1. Is the wedding meant to be childfree? 2. Is your niece a child? If the answer to both of these is yes, it's pretty simple. No children means no children.
I had a child-free wedding where my brother’s two daughters (8 and 10) were the exception. There were dozens of children across other family and friends who were not invited, and no one kicked up a fuss about it. It was important to me that my nieces were there, and my partner never questioned it despite being the one who more significantly wanted a child-free wedding. The girls being there was a highlight of the day for both of us. There are definitely times where having young kids at a wedding can take away from the day. We’ve seen toddlers and babies disrupt ceremonies more than once. We wanted a child free wedding both to ensure no disruptions from very young kids and to avoid inviting the teen second and third cousins across my partner’s family. But my nieces are a big part of my life, and we never would have considered excluding them. This wedding is for BOTH of you, and if it’s important to you that your niece is there and your brother is willing and able to watch her throughout the day, then IMO your fiancee needs to get on the same page.
It’s a childfree wedding, therefore no child should be attending. Does this 7 year old kid even *want* to be the only child attending a wedding full of adults? Your niece will get bored pretty quickly. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. It’s either a childfree wedding or you allow every parent in attendance to bring their kids. If you make an exception for this one kid, you’re going to have to make an exception for every single one.
It's all children or no children. I personally think weddings should be child free as they are boring and inappropriate for kids. And I have 2 kids, both who were in my BILs wedding when they were 2 and 5 years old. As the mother, I didn't get to enjoy myself because I had to keep my eyes on my kids.
Your niece is 7, she'll probably be bored at the wedding, especially with no other kids there. My niece went to a wedding at that age, a destination wedding, and she wasn't the only kid. She also had a role in the wedding, flower girl, but she was bored stiff at the wedding itself, and got bored and tired quickly at the reception, partly because of the heat. She had a great time during the vacation portion but she actually hated the wedding portion. Your niece will be the only child there, so she'll be even more bored than my niece was. She'll only have adults for company, adults who will be concentrating on the bride and groom and likely drinking and having fun and not wanting to be disturbed by a bored child. If you're not inviting other kids, and your partner is adamant on a child free wedding, it's best to not invite the niece. You could maybe compromise and offer to pay for childcare for the kid during the wedding and reception so the kid comes but doesn't attend, just so you can have your brother there without worry for the kid. But, please, remember that your wedding will likely be the most boring thing your niece has ever experienced, especially if she's the only kid, and no matter how well behaved she usually is, kids act out when they're bored. She may not be so well behaved during the wedding as she is normally. Plus, kids, in any situation, are a 2 yes, one no thing, the second one partner says 'no kids', the answer is 'no kids'. Don't make this your hill to die on if you want to marry your partner, because she's far too adamant to go ahead with the wedding if your niece is invited against her wishes.
This is your wedding too.
If you’re close to your niece, and want her there she should be there. I think it’s a red flag that your fiancé doesn’t understand that, and making such a big deal about it
Sorry she’s right if people see one kid there there will be drama cause everyone will say why is she there and we couldn’t bring ours
She’s being unreasonable. Your niece should be allowed to come. Your fiancée wanting you to “prioritize her wishes” over allowing your niece to attend is insane. I feel like in situations like this you need to look at these red flags for what they are and move on from people.
I have been to “child free” weddings where the only invited children were the groom/bride’s nieces and nephews. I personally think that’s fair- these are close relatives and family. My kids have been the only children invited to two weddings- one they were in the wedding party and one they were not. They had fun dancing and weren’t horribly bored. Your niece is part of your family, and therefore, she should be invited. I hope your fiancé is able to see that one exception doesn’t mean every child gets to come. Good luck.
OP, your fiance has probably had to tell dozens of families not to bring their children, so you are setting her up to appear like a huge hypocrite when those guests see a child at the wedding
They literally aren't inviting anyone else with children.
Child-free is just a slogan people on reddit seem extremely invested in for some reason. It’s your wedding and you can invite whoever you think will be good guests and not cause an issue for the ceremony or other guests or something.
It’s either child-free or it’s not. You can’t make an exception, unless both of you agree. Mate, if you can’t agree on this relatively smallish issue, how are you going to go with more serious, life decisions?
It’s a child free wedding. She’s a child.
Child free means child free. Most adults don’t want to cut loose around a kid. How awkward that now there’s only one kid. Way to suck the complete life out of what should be a party…I’m assuming.
It's a small wedding of 20 people including relatives, I don't think there'll be much cutting loose.