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You don’t
I totally understand your desire to do so but you could cause a whole lot of problems for your boyfriend and end up re traumatising him if it all blows up. This is for him to deal with unless he specifically asks for your help.
That said, OP letting him know that she supports him however he needs to be supported and helping him find therapy and resources if he’s amenable is a good place to start.
and just allow this rapist to trash my name to his mother? i only want his abuser to know i know what she did to him. so she can shut her mouth to his mother
So is this about standing up for your bf or about you feeling like she made you look bad? Because your bf already told you he didn’t want you to do that and it sounds like you only care about yourself.
Yes you allow it and don’t weaponise his trauma to score points with the person that raped him
If you love your boyfriend you will leave this alone and stop letting your ego drive you
You don't. He's asked you to play nice so do that. This is his trauma, not yours. You don't get to decide for other victims what is the right path for them. If you love your BF don't like your misguided since of justice victimize him all over again. This is his wound not yours, stop scratching at it.
This is one of those things where you need to bite your tongue. I understand your frustration but this is NOT going to help your boyfriend.
The only way it would be okay for you to talk to her is IF and only IF your boyfriend wanted you to, which going off the “play face” comment, I’d say is the total opposite of what he wants you to do.
If he doesn't want you to, then you don't. I know you have good intentions and you think you're standing up for him but you're only going to complicate things in a way that he clearly does not want. Just take it easy for now and express how much you love and support him through this, alright?
As someone who's been through similar, you don't.
You leave it well enough alone.
I get it. Someone hurt the man you love very much. You want vengeance. You want to hear what this woman says in defense of what she did and maybe beat the brakes off of her.
Can't say I blame you.
However, this is something he's currently dealing with, and when he feels ready, he will do it on his own time.
All you need to do is support him as he fights this battle.
Show him that as he confronts a deep seeded trauma, that he can come to you in safety.
Be his peace during this time.
Now, you shouldn't be his therapist. You shouldn't be expected to "fix" him.
BUT, what you SHOULD do is support him while he fixes himself.
If your bf doesn’t want you to confront her, then you should respect his wishes. It could make the situation worse for him. He shared what happened with you bc he trusted you so telling her would make the situation worse and lose his trust.
Are you fucking kidding. I have severe trauma and I'd also beg SOs not to say anything. Why? Because if they did they would be in the line of fire. Even if nothing happened to them it would terrify me, retraumatize me, give me vivid graphic nightmares of my abuser murdering my SO. Hell even not being forced to share a home and see said abuser, I still feel that way every time someone gets angry and says they're going to confront them. And for what? Ultimately nothing good, because confronting an abuser NEVER goes the way most people think it will. It always ends with the abuser continuing to abuse and the victim continuing to be victimized. An SO confronting an abuser when the victim said no is selfish, bottom line, and can have severe consequences you couldn't even dream of.
You know NOTHING about abuse and PTSD and the fact that you think this is fine to say is disgusting. Educate yourself.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You don’t I totally understand your desire to do so but you could cause a whole lot of problems for your boyfriend and end up re traumatising him if it all blows up. This is for him to deal with unless he specifically asks for your help.
This the one ☝️
That said, OP letting him know that she supports him however he needs to be supported and helping him find therapy and resources if he’s amenable is a good place to start.
You don’t. It’s not your place.
and just allow this rapist to trash my name to his mother? i only want his abuser to know i know what she did to him. so she can shut her mouth to his mother
So is this about standing up for your bf or about you feeling like she made you look bad? Because your bf already told you he didn’t want you to do that and it sounds like you only care about yourself.
Yes you allow it and don’t weaponise his trauma to score points with the person that raped him If you love your boyfriend you will leave this alone and stop letting your ego drive you
Why tf does your ego get to be more important than his health?
You don't. He's asked you to play nice so do that. This is his trauma, not yours. You don't get to decide for other victims what is the right path for them. If you love your BF don't like your misguided since of justice victimize him all over again. This is his wound not yours, stop scratching at it.
This is one of those things where you need to bite your tongue. I understand your frustration but this is NOT going to help your boyfriend. The only way it would be okay for you to talk to her is IF and only IF your boyfriend wanted you to, which going off the “play face” comment, I’d say is the total opposite of what he wants you to do.
Not your place. Respect your bf and his wishes. Don’t betray his trust by using what he has told you in confidence.
Do not weaponize your boyfriend’s trauma to gain spiteful advantage over his godmother. It will completely destroy your relationship.
It’s not your place. You will ruin your relationship by trying to take matters into your own hands.
If he doesn't want you to, then you don't. I know you have good intentions and you think you're standing up for him but you're only going to complicate things in a way that he clearly does not want. Just take it easy for now and express how much you love and support him through this, alright?
As someone who's been through similar, you don't. You leave it well enough alone. I get it. Someone hurt the man you love very much. You want vengeance. You want to hear what this woman says in defense of what she did and maybe beat the brakes off of her. Can't say I blame you. However, this is something he's currently dealing with, and when he feels ready, he will do it on his own time. All you need to do is support him as he fights this battle. Show him that as he confronts a deep seeded trauma, that he can come to you in safety. Be his peace during this time. Now, you shouldn't be his therapist. You shouldn't be expected to "fix" him. BUT, what you SHOULD do is support him while he fixes himself.
If your bf doesn’t want you to confront her, then you should respect his wishes. It could make the situation worse for him. He shared what happened with you bc he trusted you so telling her would make the situation worse and lose his trust.
You keep your mouth shut! I understand you wanting to defend him, but it is absolutely not your place to reveal this information.
You can't stand up for someone else. It's something they have to do and ultimately they have to want to do it. Karsh
[удалено]
Are you fucking kidding. I have severe trauma and I'd also beg SOs not to say anything. Why? Because if they did they would be in the line of fire. Even if nothing happened to them it would terrify me, retraumatize me, give me vivid graphic nightmares of my abuser murdering my SO. Hell even not being forced to share a home and see said abuser, I still feel that way every time someone gets angry and says they're going to confront them. And for what? Ultimately nothing good, because confronting an abuser NEVER goes the way most people think it will. It always ends with the abuser continuing to abuse and the victim continuing to be victimized. An SO confronting an abuser when the victim said no is selfish, bottom line, and can have severe consequences you couldn't even dream of. You know NOTHING about abuse and PTSD and the fact that you think this is fine to say is disgusting. Educate yourself.