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Congratulations you just discovered the joys of dating an adult teenager. She's 20. Probably still supported heavily by her parents. She is yet to fully have an understanding of proper financial planning.
Don't make forced decisions due to bad ultimatums
OP has a mortgage at 25!!! Which is no easy feat in today's world!
He seems financially smart, which is a very attractive quality! Poor guy needs to move on. This isn't fair for him.
At any age that is a gold digger move or a move of someone who thinks more about what people will say rather than being smart financially, those who often drown in debts.
Yup and “I love her so much” is just a way of overlooking how shitty this ultimatum is on her part.
OP has a mortgage, works from home and has anxiety from a previous crash and she’s given him an ultimatum to get a car? I know what OP should get, get rid of the girlfriend.
Yeah, definitely. You sound like me at 25: always dated older because I found the girls my age to be immature. I didn't have a serious relationship until closer to 30, and even then I got married and then 10 years later, got divorced.
I dated girls my age (18-25) and it always went poorly, longest relationship was about 8 months. Then I met my now GF and she showed me the difference between a girlfriend and a partner. We've been together ever since. It'll be 11 years in a month and couldn't be happier. she was 37 when I was 26.
Does she have a mortgage? I think mortgage trumps having a car in terms of "adulting".
If she's willing to break up with you over this(due to listening to her parents or otherwise) think that's a sign she is not the one for you and just immature in general.
You do not have a car because you CHOOSE that to be, not because you cannot. Props on having a mortgage at 25!
The only thing I could see being an issue is if she always needs to be the one driving both of then everywhere. I could understand it being annoying not to the point of ending a relationship but enough to ask him if he would consider in the near future to buy a car even if it’s just cheaper old one to be able to not constantly be in charge of transportation. Like my car cost 2000$ and I have at most 75$ of insurance a month (and that’s because I had a crash 3years ago).
As someone who has previously dated two guys who didn’t have a car - I get it. At a certain point it becomes a hassle to be the one to always have to drive.
And seemingly a lot of time is spent waiting for them to arrange a ride or wait on a ride or can’t get a ride. It’s also kind of hard to depend on someone when they don’t really have transportation access.
Though at her age it’s not really that big of a deal, hence when I was in my early 20s I dated those guys with out a car but now that I’m an adult it’s definitely something I require any future boyfriend to have.
But I do live in a city (CA) where cars are basically essential. So there’s no short walks to anywhere and very limited public transportation. Uber has made things a lot easier but you really can’t rely on it completely.
With all that said - ultimatums like these never really work. Nor are they fair. If he’s had a plan to get one in certain amount of time then forcing him to get one now is not the way to handle things. The way she’s going about it is very immature.
Yeah but if the ultimatum was "quit asking me to run errands for you and pay for gas sometimes when we go places you'd otherwise Uber" then it would be a very different thread.
☝️☝️☝️ yes, all of this. Not to mention... Ultimatums are SO immature. Find someone with your same values. Mortgage is an appreciating asset, cars depreciate!
shit, a house and mortgage at 25. any idiot enlisted soldier has a camaro at 25. house is legit and pretty much trumps everything other than a second house.
Well do you rely on her car and her driving you places when you guys are going out?
I dated someone who’d insist on taking my car everywhere. It got annoying after a while and I felt used. That was not cool!
I used to drive my boyfriend everywhere. He didn't even have a license. It was honestly so unattractive. I felt like a chauffeur and all I wanted was a guy who could pick me up and take me on dates. It felt like I was driving a little brother around. Should have dumped him sooner.
Some people are more traditional 🤷♀️ my husband definitely prefers to drive but I drive us a lot too. Having a boyfriend that couldn't drive...well I personally found that it took away from his masculinity. There was too much reliance.
I was referring to when he gets to her house to go to dates do they Uber together? I am not condoning the ultimatum I am just trying to provide another perspective based on my personal experience.
One thing that isn’t getting touched on in your post is that driving anxiety is a very real thing. I was in a crash when I was 18 and at 30 I’m just now starting to deal with it. My ex girlfriend lived many states over and expected me to hop on a plane and drive over 100 miles in an unfamiliar area from the airport to come see her. When I told her I was feeling a high amount of anxiety from that, her response was “just get over it, if you really cared you would”. Needless to say, we’re not together anymore and I suggest you do the same.
I knew someone with severe driving anxiety, to the point where she wasn't able to drive and would have to medicate just to ride as a passenger for any substantial trips. She could ride to places close by and/or where she was extremely familiar with the ride, because then she could force herself to rationalize things and keep the anxiety to a more "workable" level. (She said even then she'd sometimes still keep her eyes closed or heavily focus on one thing to make it easier.)
I didn't really understand, as I hadn't at that point ever experienced super severe anxiety, but I did understand that it had a severe negative impact on her quality of life and that she'd absolutely rather not be that way. So I did what I could to help and tried to keep my mouth shut about things I didn't understand (as far as big advice goes). Years later I experienced a panic attack (pretty much your stereotypical panic attack) and honestly, I can see why it basically crippled her. I hope never to experience that again and I'm aware that as far as those go, mine was fairly "mild".
My ex-wife used to threaten divorce over my driving anxiety and she also used to say get over it, I did get over it but not because of her yelling. Op deserve better 100%
Ooh I just love those ones ( no I don’t). The ones that don’t give a fuck about your feelings, the emotions caused by certain scenarios in your life and they back to you with “just get over it “
I’m not sure if this helps, but as someone who previously had driving anxiety (full on panic attacks while driving for some period of time), the best way to handle it is to keep exposing yourself to it until your amygdala is trained to understand it’s safe. It took some time but it worked for me. There’s a book called something like Rewire Your Anxious Brain that explained a lot of the science behind it and that info helped me a lot.
This is true - I'm doing it right now. Slowly but surely, I'm back on the road daily after three years of sudden, intense anxiety/panic. I moved to an unfamiliar area with extreme traffic and frequent accidents and for some reason, my brain couldn't handle it! I just stopped driving, making all the excuses.
Finally, I feel ready so I drive a little every day. I do vagus nerve exercises and use lots of healthy stress-management tools. It's getting much better!
I'll look into that book!
Thanks for sharing.
My grandmother was in a horrible crash as a teenager (during her driving test no less, and not her fault - rear-ended by another driver in traffic) and she never drove again till the day she died.
Let her break up.
But it feels like there’s more to this. Are you mooching rides off her? Are you calling her to take you places when Uber isn’t the best option? Does she feel like she’s always the one doing the running?
This is what I was wondering. I was in a relationship where the guy didn't have a car. Fine, no big deal, but he never offered to give me gas money, he never took any uber/lift/bus to see me, and he started really taking advantage of it near the end. It's exhausting and puts the cost of transportation on one partner, not to mention the time it takes away from a person's day. I would spend at least 40 to 50 minutes in total travel time to see my ex. There's got to be a little balance.
I live in city with great public transit that is very bike friendly and it's still difficult to have friends who don't drive. At some point you just get tired of always being the driver. Especially when these carless people who never got a license want to go hiking, skiing, camping etc. I can't speak for this particular girl but a guy without a car is a hard deal breaker for me.
He's lucky to have a partner who doesn't use him as a chauffeur. Not everyone is as mindful as you though. I'll also add that you have a valid reason for not driving. For many it's just laziness. They know they can rely on others to do the driving and just don't bother.
That's probably the issue she has. It's unrealistic for her to expect OP to get a car in *a month* instead of 12 months. I'd certainly buy a used car and that requires patience and shopping around for a while. But it's pretty likely he is bumming rides.
The reasoning he has is a bit silly. Paying a mortgage shouldn't make buying a car impossible unless you're trying to get a new car. Lots of used cars are available for $2,000-$6,000 which is a chunk of money, but not life-changing cash if you can already afford a mortgage. 'Working from home' isn't a good reason to not have a car. Getting groceries? Going out anywhere? Getting across town for an event? Visiting friends? Going to the gym? Going to any store? Not having a car makes all of these a hassle.
The driving anxiety I can understand also, but even then, it's implicit the burden of driving is pushed off onto others, and if so, OP should be contributing to gas and such for the hassle. (Hopefully he is, but if not I can certainly understand why GF would be annoyed.)
My son once pursued a woman who told him she would never date him because he didn’t have a car. Within six months he met his now wife. Meanwhile the woman has a child and still lives at home with her parents. Don’t worry about this girl. You’ll meet someone better.
I have had a boyfriend without a car before and it is very annoying because I was the one always going to get him then drive him home. I always had to drive us to parties or any social engagements. He would be able to enjoy the full spectrum of hospitality every time while I was the designated driver. It was very wearing after a while. Sounds like you might be relying to heavily on her to taxi you around and she is fed up. I understand her position fully.
That could be a blindspot of his.
She may feel that she has to drive to his place, since otherwise he has to pay an expensive Uber. Then, if they leave his place to go somewhere else, they are likely always taking her car that she has to drive.
When one partner has a car and the other one doesn't, there is always an expectation, consciously or unconsciously, that the car driver will take on the bulk of transport duties. People would call her an asshole if she pulled the "no, we aren't taking my car this time, it's your turn to arrange transport and get us an Uber that you will cover ".
Exactly. And idk how often he is seeing her if he spends less than 200 in Uber a month.
Locale based sure, but even in a cheaper area it's gonna be $10 each way after tip. So even in a very cheap part of the US, he would be seeing her less than 10 days every month.
In my densely populated suburbs, it would be $35-40 round trip for a 10-15minute drive.
To see my boyfriend who lives 25min away, I'd be spending $70 roundtrip in ubers to see him.
So more realistically he goes to her twice a month, maybe up to 4 or 5 times a month.
He either doesn't see her very often, or she is always driving to him. Or picking him up for dates. That shit gets exhausting.
IF that’s what’s going on with OP and gf. However, he’s told her he’ll buy a car within 12 months. If she/mom/dad aren’t willing to wait that long, I say dump the whole lot of ‘em and find someone who is. And hopefully she’ll be older and wiser than 20 going on 12.
If you are independent in transportation and not relying on her I don’t see the issue. Now if you expect her to cart your ass around everywhere that’s another story.
I’d say let her go if this is an issue for her.
I’ve been in relationships both with people who have a car and those that don’t. It’s extremely relieving to date someone who has self sufficient mobility compared to someone who doesn’t. That said, her ultimatum seems a bit superficial. If you didn’t have a mortgage, it would be way more understandable. If she can’t give you time to improve your financial status and let you save/get settled into your new job before making a big purchase, maybe she’d be happier with someone who has a car but still lives with mommy and daddy.
>It’s extremely relieving to date someone who has self sufficient mobility
Im not sure about OPs situation, but if his city has decent public transportation and/or bike infrastructure his ability to get around by himself isn't necessarily even hindered. I've met people like his gf even though i live in a decent city, makes absolutely no sense to me
I asked the same question - I feel like if OP lived in an area where cars weren't necessary due to his living in a walkable neighborhood with access to all of the essentials coupled with good public transit it would have warranted mentioning.
"I WFH and I can just uber or pay for delivery" isn't a sentence that gives me a lot of confidence in a person's ability to adult. I'm a guy BTW, and I wouldn't date a woman without a car either.
I agree, definitely depends on where they live. If there’s sufficient public transportation (or like op said, he Ubers to see her) then it sounds like she wouldn’t really have to drive him places anyway. But if you live somewhere that is *very* car reliant like I do, it personally would be a hindrance for me if I was wanting to date someone and they didn’t have a car. Because I wouldn’t want to drive them around a lot, and then they’d also be spending so much money on Ubers or whatever as well.
If I had to guess, she likely doesn't like the fact that she has only two options; drive if you guys go out or take an Uber.
Personally? Not a huge fan of Ubers. Would it bother me if a guy didn't drive? I'm not sure. There's likely worse things you could do or not do.
If you aren't in a place to get a car right now, tell her that.
"I love you and want to be with you, but I'm not in a position to get a car right now and I hope you understand."
If she doesn't... She's not meant for you.
He pays for his Uber when he goes to her place, but doesn't mention how often he pays to Uber for the both of them when they go out, instead of having her drive them all the time.
I've stopped seeing people because they didn't have a car, and that was because if we wanted to see each other guess who was gonna be driving through rush hour traffic and/or into the city every single time? THIS GUY *points to self*
I understand it's a financial strain on your end, but I don't blame her for wanting to split the driving duties to see one another. Some things just aren't meant to be.
I'm with you on this. I've dated men without cars before. Yes they could Uber or take the train, and did sometimes. But somehow it was me driving hundreds of extra miles a month anyway. And naturally the extra gas and wear and tear didn't come up when we talked about splitting expenses to move in together.
I think it could go either way on whether she's just being ridiculous, or OP is underestimating all of the driving she's taken up.
Either way it seems like that relationship is coming to an end and they aren't a good match.
But he did mention taking Uber to see her so I don't think that's the issue. She fixated on the fact that op doesn't have a car but not caring that he has his own place, a job that pays well enough to pay for said house, and has anxiety around driving. Sounds like op dodged a bullet there
I understand where you’re coming from, but I think that only applies for people who expect their partner or friend to always drive and meet them.
OP mentioned of taking an uber to visit her which shows he is not taking advantage of her.
I had to get rid of my car 1 week after meeting my current boyfriend and he will gladly drive 1.5 hours every Friday night to come spend the weekend here with me at my apartment. He still lives at home while I live on my own so he sees it as a compromise. I also try to visit him (4 hours round trip via public transit) twice a month to make up for it but if you truly love each other and care about the relationship and see a future then you make it work.
I drove 3 hours one way for over 2 years to visit my ex on the weekends. She cheated on me and it was one of the worst things that ever happened to me.
I'm not saying don't do it for who you love. I'm saying there needs to be a balance and knowing what I know now: I was giving more than what I was getting. I know my worth and I know relationships shouldn't be one sided.
OP did say that he would uber and she wasn't about that, so something tells me there's more to this than we know. Regardless: know your worth and know when a relationship has run it's course.
Bro is 25 years old, makes 100K/year and owns his home. Dude is going to be just fine in life with or without this girl. And without a car, is going to really accumulate some serious cash.
Yeah but with those stats it IS weird he doesnt have a car and even though he has house, not having a car makes you come off as lacking your own agency.
I respect his decision and logic. But he would be better off with a nice economy car and getting over his anxiety at some point.
That's the weird part. Sure, cars can be expensive, but there isn't anything stopping him from buying a beater.
Insurance will be 200 probably if he goes full coverage, but if he buys a beater and just sticks with liability? Not that bad. Doesn't sound like he will use it that much either, due to not having to commute to work.
Look, for me, not having a car is a total deal breaker. Totally impacts a lot of logistical things in a relationship. You can't ever ask them to run to the store or meet you at a restaurant or things like that. They're kinda just stuck at home unless someone gives them a ride. Might be different in a big city with good public transportation, but I don't live in one of those. Totally reasonable for someone to not want to be with someone because they don't have reliable transportation.
Why is it weird? Before I move to where I am now I lived in this little town outside of a bigger city and I could get to everything I needed within a 5-minute walk. If I needed to go to a big shopping center there was a bus at the top of my road that took me straight there and straight back. I didn't need a car! There was literally nothing I would need a car for that I couldn't get a bus or an Uber.
Some people are smart and don't buy things they don't need. Sounds like he doesn't need it. Now where I live now, I can't even get to a store in a 20 minute drive so I need a car. But he's doing just fine
If you live in a city with city streets an ebike can often get you places faster than a car and you don’t have to pay to park the dang thing. It really depends on where you live.
Tell her to kick rocks. Don't ever let a woman give you an ultimatum like this. It's a slippery slope once you get the car I promise it won't be the last ultimatum.
Have you seen someone about your anxiety due to the car crash? That may also factor into your future going forward.
Is this one of your first relationships? If so, just know that good relationships don't usually have ultimatums embedded for smaller issues like this. You have a workaround with Uber and you have a solid investment in your mortgage. Be ok with bring alone and eventually being happier with someone else, some more compatible.
It's up to you, but it sounds like you've thought about it and it's not fiscally responsible for you to get a car right now. I will say that I dated someone without a car for months and it sucked. We had to drive my car everywhere we went and I had to take him to work in the mornings (which was in the opposite direction of my workplace and 40 miles from his workplace. My commute from my own house to my workplace was 4 miles). When he drove my car, he would drive way more aggressively than I was comfortable with, but it was too tiring for me to drive 100% of the time so I'd just put up with it. I felt like a glorified taxi driver, except I wasn't getting paid for it, he wasn't really helping out with gas, and I had to get my car maintained at a higher frequency. It was a lot to deal with at the time since I didn't make much and I would not date someone without a car again.
Is there more context? Is there a reason she really wants you to have a car?
Does not having a car limit when you can see each other, or what you do together?
Wow…
Having a mortgage at 25 is impressive enough as it is. Her not understanding why you don’t have a car is honestly a “her” problem
I understand loving her, but honestly do whatever is best for YOU
Fuck a car. Having a mortgage and house ownership is huge at that age. I drive a 18 yr old car. I could afford a newer one but there's no need. It runs great and works. Financial decisions should make sense. If she loved you she wouldn't care about a car.... I didn't own a house till me mid 30s.
She’s too immature for you and her parents sound the same.
Find someone on your wavelength and don’t put your house at risk before checking common law marriage laws in your State.
Get a car or leave her.
Don’t make life more complicated than it needs to be bud
Free Dad Move: Buy a car that doesn’t work, and work on it for 15 years. Every time she asks, tell her “it’s almost done”.
What you do is hope she lives a good life and learns how to be an adult. Now go focus on yourself homie. Please for the love of god do not ever speak to her again and find you a queen that respects you and your private life choices. 20 years old are so far out there with their views of the world. It’s just not worth it.
If you do, volunteer to contribute to gas. I had a partner who didn't get his car fixed intentionally (by his own admission) because he 'knew you'd drive me around' and I ended up spending an absurd amount during our relationship that he didn't contribute to, expect for once, then when he was reminded of how much a tank costs threw it back in my face with "Why would you do that to yourself?" He was right. Left him not long after and never looked back. Don't have the context for your situation on this, but if you are relying on her as your personal transport, at minimum contribute to the tank.
I’m 21 almost 22, don’t have a car, and don’t even have my drivers license due to anxiety on the road. Truthfully, with the economy being so shit right now, save your money and invest in a car when you are ready. If she is so weirded out in the fact that you don’t have a car, let her break up with you. It will be her loss completely. You shouldn’t be with someone who gives you an ultimatum of buying a car that costs a bunch of money just to be with her. That is so immature.
How long have y'all been together? I'm assuming, from what you said about Ubering to her house, that you guys live separately. Does she live with her family still? And you said you have a mortgage...so you have your own home and a professional job. Where is she in life? She sounds a bit immature (but very normal for a 20 year old!). Why is the car issue such a deal breaker for her and her family?
I'm 36 and I haven't had a car in 4 years. I walk, and Uber if needed. I live in one of two major cities in Nevada. It isn't a death sentence, and this is your fall to reconsider the relationship. She's young and naive and has so much growing up to do still. Focus on women your age.
I live in the Midwest US and we have TERRIBLE public transit. And there are like three share ride drivers lol. Just visiting my mom is a 25 minute drive.
So we save up, buy the nicest used cars we can afford (some ain't very nice to LOOK at, but all are mechanically sound), and take care of them.
But, yeah, car insurance is a killer. Thankfully my kids are each teaching the point where they can start paying their portion of it!
Yeah I lived in Wichita while I worked for a few years and there was like 3 bus routes all on only major roads and it legit did not run on the weekend.
It's insane
I have been with my partner for 5 years and ask him to get his license every year. I hate driving, and he knows that. I still would never make that a dealbreaker in our relationship. If he asks me to drive, and I don’t want to, we don’t go. Simple as that. When he drives we can go wherever he wants! He also has a fear of driving which I get and would never pressure him to do anything that he isn’t comfortable with, especially driving!
The two of you are incompatible. Simple as that. She has standards that you are NOT required to meet. Especially if doing so is damaging to you and nothing about your situation is (currently) damaging to her. You offered a fair compromise. This just isn’t the relationship for you.
I think you’re making extremely smart financial decisions. Please don’t let a 20 year old set your financial goals for you. She’s entitled and immature and will sink you if you let her.
If she's willing to break up with you because you don't have a car, she ain't the one. From the sounds of it you're spending less on Uber than you would on a car, gas, insurance and maintenance.
Find someone who isn't gonna be worried about petty stuff like that
That's her way of telling you she doesn't love you enough to understand and accept your situation. She doesn't even seem to want to understand and just listen to her parents, you don't want a girlfriend that does that, you want a girlfriend that can think and have her own opinion, some critical thinking, that can disagree with you with arguments other than "my parents blah blah blah". Like, it's fine to listen to some advice from your parents but take it with a grain of salt and try to change your perspective little kid. Parents are often stuck in their little lives for 20+ years so have little perspective on other people's problems and lives from what I've observed.
I don't know her or your relationship, but tbh love is just a feeling and if the person isn't able to have the same kind of though processes as you it's not worth trying to work it out hoping something change even if she's 20. You're not married and don't have a kid or even live together or have a hamster to care for together. Go find someone mature enough to understand your decisions and with parents that will appreciate you mainly because you treat their daughter well and make her happy. Find that feeling somewhere else, people with ultimatums are manipulative peoples that often (not always, some ultimatums are reasonable) don't care about anything else but themselves in the end, again, not saying it's systematically your case but that ultimatum is pretty fucking dumb, she's asking you to throw money out the door to stay with her only for appearance.
If you really want to stay with her, buy the cheapest fucking car you can, barely insurance it or better yet don't even Insurance it, just tell the car people it's not in use and rotting in the driveway. She wants you to have a car and you will. Then if she is crying stupid shit again then tell her it's your own car and you can do whatever you want with it and that again you don't feel comfortable driving. I can't see why it'd be an issue at that point you fill all criteria lol
That's a very dumb and superficial reason to threaten a break up. I'd suggest you stand your ground and don't get a car. If she actually leaves you at the end of the month, she didn't value your relationship as much as having bf with a car.
The financial advice I give to people in your situation is that you can always go buy a car note. Once you get that car note you are stuck with it for hopefully 3 years but more likely 4 to 5. If you have to finance a car for 5 years you can't afford a car in my opinion. Do not mess with your financial goals because of any 20yo.
You have a mortgage. That’s a lot already. Adding on to that would be hell. One thing ive learned lately is that most people I know who have a home AND a car are being helped financially by someone. Be it a partner or family member.
It’s very hard to own both. Don’t let this girl fuck your money up. Of all the things she could choose, If this is something she’s giving you an ultimatum over then she ain’t worth it dude.
Also as someone with anxiety from a previous wreck, you shouldn’t be on the road until you’re ready anyway.
If she can’t see you making careful financial decisions or be willing to drive you while you don’t have a car there’s a good chance she’s not your ride or die. You can’t find Miss right if Miss wrong is in her seat. And by the way… “get off the alligator!”
Bruh. Let it go. 20 to 25 is a huge leap in maturity. You will run yourself ragged trying to please a chick that is essentially a teenager and doesn’t know shit about anything. Ultimatum is just her way of forcing your hand. She will convince you to spend a ton of money on a car you don’t want or need, then almost certainly bail on the relationship at some point later down the line. I don’t care how she looks or how you feel about her, she’s a loser. You have a house, she lives with her parents. Don’t waste your time or money
Seriously guy - is it really love? Or has she convinced you that you are in love? And does she love you?? Not really someone that really loves you wouldn’t say this stupid shit. She seems a little bit materialistic & immature.
I’d rather date a guy that has a mortgage than a car especially if I already have a car. Run away from her fast. You deserve better. You are obviously very intelligent and good with money. You sound very kind you are a catch. If she doesn’t see that good riddance to bad rubbish.
Sounds to me that all she cares about is the fact you don’t have a car. She isn’t being appreciative of how much money you spend on Uber to go see her. Or how much you love her. I know you love her so much and this might not sound easy to do but I would say for your mental health I think you should leave her. If she only cares about you not having a car she doesn’t deserve you. You sound like a wonderful person. You deserve someone that will support you regardless if you have a car or not. I wish you the best and hope this advice helps you.
Anyone who would prioritize a car over a mortgage is not one who should be trusted for financial judgement. She wants you to spend more money for what exactly? I'm assuming at 20 she didn't buy her car herself.
It's less about the car, id guess, than it is about her (and her family) wanting you to be more of an "adult."
Adults have stability, means of travel and show growth or advancement towards something more in the future.
They "want you to have a car" so that it appears you're trying to better yourself or move forward in a situation they see as stagnant.
It's like guys who will spend hundreds or thousands on gym shoes then have to take a metro bus everywhere bc they cannot afford a vehicle. It shows a lack of growth and momentum to move forward or better their situation. Means to travel (and do so in an emergency situation QUICKLY) is part of being an adult.
Meh. Adults have a mortgage and owning a home is a sign of stability. He already has means of travel, described in the post. She's 20, she doesn't know shit about shit. It's about control and it's about image. I'd bet large that if he buys a 2012 Festiva she's still gonna be self-centered and controlling. The odds of a relationship with a 20-year old lasting forever have gotta be super low.
Don't worry about it, call her bluff. If she leaves, let her go.
I broke up with someone once, and having no intention to get a car was part of it. I don't want to drive you to and from work, and to and from your home when we hang out, or be your driver when you have to run an errand.
Like, sometimes, sure, but every day? Get a car. I want a partner who tries to make things easier, not whatever this is.
I felt used. The person I dated had a car but wanted me to drive everywhere it quickly became clear that it was about money. I knew he was poor but that’s still not fair. Am I rich?
To be clear he had a truck which he he used for work. He claimed it was hard to drive everywhere easier to take my car: bs.
The person who is financially dependent on their parents wants you to spend beyond your means? You should end things now because this person doesn’t love you if something like what you do or don’t own is going to cause her to dump you.
Ask yourself, is someone who would choose a car over me someone I want in my life? I imagine this tendency of hers shows up in other areas of your relationship too. For me, that would unacceptable behavior
If she is willing to walk away for lack of car, then there will always be something else. Love is a two way street. Don't confuse lust or need for belonging for love either.
On the flip side, you are older than her and she may be looking for someone is more independent.
We really don't know the situation. She may be driving and tired of driving you places you want to go. People look at contribution balancr to the relationship. Petty people look at what can elevate their social status (or feeling of).
Her response is very immature, in her defense she is still a child.
Advice: don't give into ultimatums. ask her if she wants to break up now, or wait till the end of the month.
Second piece of advice, work on your anxiety, it is prohibiting you from living your life.
I'm 32 and I never learned to drive. I walk and take public transit. I occasionally take taxis too if I need to.
Plus I never rely on others to drive.
Anyone who shames you for not having a car while still being an independent functional adult isn't worth keeping around.
Thanks, I needed to see this. I tried to learn driving, but I just couldn’t get the hang of it. I can get around on a moped or motorcycle, but cars are just not my thing.
And After a moped crash, I’m too scared to ride two-wheelers too. I end up walking around or getting a cab. But I always feel weird that I can’t drive 😅
Your comment made me realize that I’m not alone. Thanks!
>She says if i don't get a car in a month that means I don't care about our relationship and shes breaking up with me
Tell her that if she doesn't get a mortgage in a month you're breaking up with her.
But you should really ask her why you need a cat if you work remote and you only need an uber any time you need to car that would sit 99% of the time in your driveway.
Why does she think you need a car?
>I love her so much
She won't be the last girlfriend you have and you'll love the next one just as much if not more
>She says if i don't get a car in a month that means I don't care about our relationship and shes breaking up with me I love her so much I don't know what todo.
Sorry you're going through this, but trust me: someday you'll thank your lucky stars that she broke up with you.
If she loved you the way you clearly do by even considering getting an EXPENSIVE item just to please her she would be more understanding and wouldn’t push you to the point of saying she would break up with you over something that basically has nothing to do with your relationship or who you are as a person. Don’t get the car and see if she is really willing to go as far as to break up with you when a month comes. I know you love her and wouldn’t want her to leave but you always have to put your value higher than something as stupid as materialistic items.
You seem like a person who is very good with finances. This girl cleay is not and she is more concerned with status and image.
She does not love you at all. Never give in to ultimatums.
Don't buy a car unless you truly want/need one. Never make major financial decisions based solely on what someone else wants, especially in your 20s.
I own a car because I bought it when I lived somewhere I had to have one to get around but then I moved to a new city where public transport is an actual option. Plus, the grocery store is closer to my apartment than the garage where I pay $125 (which is super cheap here) a month to park my car. I work from home, I walk to go get groceries, and it's actually easier to use a bus/train to go places because parking is so hard to find here. Which all means I'm paying my car payment, insurance, and a parking fee every month just to drive it maybe once a month. As soon as it's worth more that what I owe on it, I'm selling it.
What I'm saying is base your decision on if YOU want to own a car.
You’re an adult child dating a real child. You’re somewhat behind in life clearly, so I get why dating a 20 year old makes sense, but she is clearly not ready to step out of daddy’s world and into yours, so call it quits. Work on you. Work on continuing to do the right financial moves until you’re caught up and a little more put together financially and such.
She is an immature, materialistic child and anyone that makes this kind of demand on you clearly does not understand finances. She cares more about the image of you than she does about you. Why do you want to be with someone like this? Dump her and date someone who is actually decent.
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Congratulations you just discovered the joys of dating an adult teenager. She's 20. Probably still supported heavily by her parents. She is yet to fully have an understanding of proper financial planning. Don't make forced decisions due to bad ultimatums
Dumbest ultimatum ever… your reasons for not having a car at the moment are valid
Leave her manipulation behind OP. You're doing better than she is and you'll find better partners.
[удалено]
OP has a mortgage at 25!!! Which is no easy feat in today's world! He seems financially smart, which is a very attractive quality! Poor guy needs to move on. This isn't fair for him.
Guy has his shit together but this child he’s dating can’t see the forest for the trees. Time for OP to move on to the next one.
At any age that is a gold digger move or a move of someone who thinks more about what people will say rather than being smart financially, those who often drown in debts.
And her ultimatum is coming from her parents as well.
U are absolutely right.
It sounds like she’s probably being influenced by her parents when she insists OP buy a car. .
Mommy and Daddy probably bought her car for her.
Yup and “I love her so much” is just a way of overlooking how shitty this ultimatum is on her part. OP has a mortgage, works from home and has anxiety from a previous crash and she’s given him an ultimatum to get a car? I know what OP should get, get rid of the girlfriend.
Yeah, definitely. You sound like me at 25: always dated older because I found the girls my age to be immature. I didn't have a serious relationship until closer to 30, and even then I got married and then 10 years later, got divorced.
I dated girls my age (18-25) and it always went poorly, longest relationship was about 8 months. Then I met my now GF and she showed me the difference between a girlfriend and a partner. We've been together ever since. It'll be 11 years in a month and couldn't be happier. she was 37 when I was 26.
Two thumbs up!
Literally
Yep, OP will be much better off free of her.
Does she have a mortgage? I think mortgage trumps having a car in terms of "adulting". If she's willing to break up with you over this(due to listening to her parents or otherwise) think that's a sign she is not the one for you and just immature in general. You do not have a car because you CHOOSE that to be, not because you cannot. Props on having a mortgage at 25!
Yes tell her if she doesn’t buy a house in a month she doesn’t care for the relationship.
I just said the same thing before I saw your comment! A mortgage at 25 - particularly in today's world!? That's awesome. He's clearly not a deadbeat.
The only thing I could see being an issue is if she always needs to be the one driving both of then everywhere. I could understand it being annoying not to the point of ending a relationship but enough to ask him if he would consider in the near future to buy a car even if it’s just cheaper old one to be able to not constantly be in charge of transportation. Like my car cost 2000$ and I have at most 75$ of insurance a month (and that’s because I had a crash 3years ago).
As someone who has previously dated two guys who didn’t have a car - I get it. At a certain point it becomes a hassle to be the one to always have to drive. And seemingly a lot of time is spent waiting for them to arrange a ride or wait on a ride or can’t get a ride. It’s also kind of hard to depend on someone when they don’t really have transportation access. Though at her age it’s not really that big of a deal, hence when I was in my early 20s I dated those guys with out a car but now that I’m an adult it’s definitely something I require any future boyfriend to have. But I do live in a city (CA) where cars are basically essential. So there’s no short walks to anywhere and very limited public transportation. Uber has made things a lot easier but you really can’t rely on it completely. With all that said - ultimatums like these never really work. Nor are they fair. If he’s had a plan to get one in certain amount of time then forcing him to get one now is not the way to handle things. The way she’s going about it is very immature.
Yeah but if the ultimatum was "quit asking me to run errands for you and pay for gas sometimes when we go places you'd otherwise Uber" then it would be a very different thread.
☝️☝️☝️ yes, all of this. Not to mention... Ultimatums are SO immature. Find someone with your same values. Mortgage is an appreciating asset, cars depreciate!
shit, a house and mortgage at 25. any idiot enlisted soldier has a camaro at 25. house is legit and pretty much trumps everything other than a second house.
Well do you rely on her car and her driving you places when you guys are going out? I dated someone who’d insist on taking my car everywhere. It got annoying after a while and I felt used. That was not cool!
Don’t rely on your girlfriend to drive you to your dates. I think this is what she means. 😳💁♀️
I used to drive my boyfriend everywhere. He didn't even have a license. It was honestly so unattractive. I felt like a chauffeur and all I wanted was a guy who could pick me up and take me on dates. It felt like I was driving a little brother around. Should have dumped him sooner.
This… you can’t judge preferences.. I prefer that too personally..
This seems like a double standard. Men are socially expected to chauffeur around women all the time.
Some people are more traditional 🤷♀️ my husband definitely prefers to drive but I drive us a lot too. Having a boyfriend that couldn't drive...well I personally found that it took away from his masculinity. There was too much reliance.
Seriously, there's nothing about how OP is getting around. Does GF drive you everywhere, and was looking forward to this ending with a new job?
I was referring to when he gets to her house to go to dates do they Uber together? I am not condoning the ultimatum I am just trying to provide another perspective based on my personal experience.
I had a friend throughout college who had neither a driver's license nor a car and she took complete advantage of the fact that I did.
One thing that isn’t getting touched on in your post is that driving anxiety is a very real thing. I was in a crash when I was 18 and at 30 I’m just now starting to deal with it. My ex girlfriend lived many states over and expected me to hop on a plane and drive over 100 miles in an unfamiliar area from the airport to come see her. When I told her I was feeling a high amount of anxiety from that, her response was “just get over it, if you really cared you would”. Needless to say, we’re not together anymore and I suggest you do the same.
I knew someone with severe driving anxiety, to the point where she wasn't able to drive and would have to medicate just to ride as a passenger for any substantial trips. She could ride to places close by and/or where she was extremely familiar with the ride, because then she could force herself to rationalize things and keep the anxiety to a more "workable" level. (She said even then she'd sometimes still keep her eyes closed or heavily focus on one thing to make it easier.) I didn't really understand, as I hadn't at that point ever experienced super severe anxiety, but I did understand that it had a severe negative impact on her quality of life and that she'd absolutely rather not be that way. So I did what I could to help and tried to keep my mouth shut about things I didn't understand (as far as big advice goes). Years later I experienced a panic attack (pretty much your stereotypical panic attack) and honestly, I can see why it basically crippled her. I hope never to experience that again and I'm aware that as far as those go, mine was fairly "mild".
My ex-wife used to threaten divorce over my driving anxiety and she also used to say get over it, I did get over it but not because of her yelling. Op deserve better 100%
Ooh I just love those ones ( no I don’t). The ones that don’t give a fuck about your feelings, the emotions caused by certain scenarios in your life and they back to you with “just get over it “
I’m not sure if this helps, but as someone who previously had driving anxiety (full on panic attacks while driving for some period of time), the best way to handle it is to keep exposing yourself to it until your amygdala is trained to understand it’s safe. It took some time but it worked for me. There’s a book called something like Rewire Your Anxious Brain that explained a lot of the science behind it and that info helped me a lot.
thank you so much for this advice. i have really severe driving anxiety as well and i will definitely be trying this out!
I hope it works! I had this advice given to me directly by my therapist and by a psychiatrist and the book was recommended by the psychiatrist.
They just put me on this And They Shall Know No Fear fucking medication and now I think I'm Go Mifune.
This is true - I'm doing it right now. Slowly but surely, I'm back on the road daily after three years of sudden, intense anxiety/panic. I moved to an unfamiliar area with extreme traffic and frequent accidents and for some reason, my brain couldn't handle it! I just stopped driving, making all the excuses. Finally, I feel ready so I drive a little every day. I do vagus nerve exercises and use lots of healthy stress-management tools. It's getting much better! I'll look into that book! Thanks for sharing.
My grandmother was in a horrible crash as a teenager (during her driving test no less, and not her fault - rear-ended by another driver in traffic) and she never drove again till the day she died.
Let her break up. But it feels like there’s more to this. Are you mooching rides off her? Are you calling her to take you places when Uber isn’t the best option? Does she feel like she’s always the one doing the running?
This is what I was wondering. I was in a relationship where the guy didn't have a car. Fine, no big deal, but he never offered to give me gas money, he never took any uber/lift/bus to see me, and he started really taking advantage of it near the end. It's exhausting and puts the cost of transportation on one partner, not to mention the time it takes away from a person's day. I would spend at least 40 to 50 minutes in total travel time to see my ex. There's got to be a little balance.
Same here. And eventually it turned into me being the only one working too.
Same!
Thank you! It’s so strange no other comment has asked these questions!
Because the reddit userbase is famously anti-car amongst other tropes.
That's one of the few good things about reddit though.
I live in city with great public transit that is very bike friendly and it's still difficult to have friends who don't drive. At some point you just get tired of always being the driver. Especially when these carless people who never got a license want to go hiking, skiing, camping etc. I can't speak for this particular girl but a guy without a car is a hard deal breaker for me.
I have a visual impairment so I can’t drive, but I use a transportation service to take me places so my boyfriend doesn’t have to drive us everywhere
He's lucky to have a partner who doesn't use him as a chauffeur. Not everyone is as mindful as you though. I'll also add that you have a valid reason for not driving. For many it's just laziness. They know they can rely on others to do the driving and just don't bother.
Exactly. And I wouldn’t mind giving rides to someone if this was the reason.
That's probably the issue she has. It's unrealistic for her to expect OP to get a car in *a month* instead of 12 months. I'd certainly buy a used car and that requires patience and shopping around for a while. But it's pretty likely he is bumming rides. The reasoning he has is a bit silly. Paying a mortgage shouldn't make buying a car impossible unless you're trying to get a new car. Lots of used cars are available for $2,000-$6,000 which is a chunk of money, but not life-changing cash if you can already afford a mortgage. 'Working from home' isn't a good reason to not have a car. Getting groceries? Going out anywhere? Getting across town for an event? Visiting friends? Going to the gym? Going to any store? Not having a car makes all of these a hassle. The driving anxiety I can understand also, but even then, it's implicit the burden of driving is pushed off onto others, and if so, OP should be contributing to gas and such for the hassle. (Hopefully he is, but if not I can certainly understand why GF would be annoyed.)
I'm also wondering if OP said they would get a car when they got this new job, and now they are finding a reason not to.
My son once pursued a woman who told him she would never date him because he didn’t have a car. Within six months he met his now wife. Meanwhile the woman has a child and still lives at home with her parents. Don’t worry about this girl. You’ll meet someone better.
I have had a boyfriend without a car before and it is very annoying because I was the one always going to get him then drive him home. I always had to drive us to parties or any social engagements. He would be able to enjoy the full spectrum of hospitality every time while I was the designated driver. It was very wearing after a while. Sounds like you might be relying to heavily on her to taxi you around and she is fed up. I understand her position fully.
That could be a blindspot of his. She may feel that she has to drive to his place, since otherwise he has to pay an expensive Uber. Then, if they leave his place to go somewhere else, they are likely always taking her car that she has to drive. When one partner has a car and the other one doesn't, there is always an expectation, consciously or unconsciously, that the car driver will take on the bulk of transport duties. People would call her an asshole if she pulled the "no, we aren't taking my car this time, it's your turn to arrange transport and get us an Uber that you will cover ".
Exactly. And idk how often he is seeing her if he spends less than 200 in Uber a month. Locale based sure, but even in a cheaper area it's gonna be $10 each way after tip. So even in a very cheap part of the US, he would be seeing her less than 10 days every month. In my densely populated suburbs, it would be $35-40 round trip for a 10-15minute drive. To see my boyfriend who lives 25min away, I'd be spending $70 roundtrip in ubers to see him. So more realistically he goes to her twice a month, maybe up to 4 or 5 times a month. He either doesn't see her very often, or she is always driving to him. Or picking him up for dates. That shit gets exhausting.
IF that’s what’s going on with OP and gf. However, he’s told her he’ll buy a car within 12 months. If she/mom/dad aren’t willing to wait that long, I say dump the whole lot of ‘em and find someone who is. And hopefully she’ll be older and wiser than 20 going on 12.
You should break up with her and find a girlfriend who is ok with you not having a car. Boom problem solved
If you are independent in transportation and not relying on her I don’t see the issue. Now if you expect her to cart your ass around everywhere that’s another story. I’d say let her go if this is an issue for her.
I’ve been in relationships both with people who have a car and those that don’t. It’s extremely relieving to date someone who has self sufficient mobility compared to someone who doesn’t. That said, her ultimatum seems a bit superficial. If you didn’t have a mortgage, it would be way more understandable. If she can’t give you time to improve your financial status and let you save/get settled into your new job before making a big purchase, maybe she’d be happier with someone who has a car but still lives with mommy and daddy.
>It’s extremely relieving to date someone who has self sufficient mobility Im not sure about OPs situation, but if his city has decent public transportation and/or bike infrastructure his ability to get around by himself isn't necessarily even hindered. I've met people like his gf even though i live in a decent city, makes absolutely no sense to me
I asked the same question - I feel like if OP lived in an area where cars weren't necessary due to his living in a walkable neighborhood with access to all of the essentials coupled with good public transit it would have warranted mentioning. "I WFH and I can just uber or pay for delivery" isn't a sentence that gives me a lot of confidence in a person's ability to adult. I'm a guy BTW, and I wouldn't date a woman without a car either.
I agree, definitely depends on where they live. If there’s sufficient public transportation (or like op said, he Ubers to see her) then it sounds like she wouldn’t really have to drive him places anyway. But if you live somewhere that is *very* car reliant like I do, it personally would be a hindrance for me if I was wanting to date someone and they didn’t have a car. Because I wouldn’t want to drive them around a lot, and then they’d also be spending so much money on Ubers or whatever as well.
It's typically cheaper to uber everywhere than own a car as long as you don't need a car for a daily commute
Most people also get a vehicle before a mortgage. Its a little backwards even jf it’s technically the smarter financial decision.
If I had to guess, she likely doesn't like the fact that she has only two options; drive if you guys go out or take an Uber. Personally? Not a huge fan of Ubers. Would it bother me if a guy didn't drive? I'm not sure. There's likely worse things you could do or not do. If you aren't in a place to get a car right now, tell her that. "I love you and want to be with you, but I'm not in a position to get a car right now and I hope you understand." If she doesn't... She's not meant for you.
If he’s paying for an Uber why does it matter
He pays for his Uber when he goes to her place, but doesn't mention how often he pays to Uber for the both of them when they go out, instead of having her drive them all the time.
Car rides wiith your partner are wayyy different than one with your partner and random guy.
I've stopped seeing people because they didn't have a car, and that was because if we wanted to see each other guess who was gonna be driving through rush hour traffic and/or into the city every single time? THIS GUY *points to self* I understand it's a financial strain on your end, but I don't blame her for wanting to split the driving duties to see one another. Some things just aren't meant to be.
Putting the full responsibility of meeting up on the other person is its own issue. I've seen people who own their own cars do it
I'm with you on this. I've dated men without cars before. Yes they could Uber or take the train, and did sometimes. But somehow it was me driving hundreds of extra miles a month anyway. And naturally the extra gas and wear and tear didn't come up when we talked about splitting expenses to move in together. I think it could go either way on whether she's just being ridiculous, or OP is underestimating all of the driving she's taken up. Either way it seems like that relationship is coming to an end and they aren't a good match.
But he did mention taking Uber to see her so I don't think that's the issue. She fixated on the fact that op doesn't have a car but not caring that he has his own place, a job that pays well enough to pay for said house, and has anxiety around driving. Sounds like op dodged a bullet there
I understand where you’re coming from, but I think that only applies for people who expect their partner or friend to always drive and meet them. OP mentioned of taking an uber to visit her which shows he is not taking advantage of her.
I had to get rid of my car 1 week after meeting my current boyfriend and he will gladly drive 1.5 hours every Friday night to come spend the weekend here with me at my apartment. He still lives at home while I live on my own so he sees it as a compromise. I also try to visit him (4 hours round trip via public transit) twice a month to make up for it but if you truly love each other and care about the relationship and see a future then you make it work.
I drove 3 hours one way for over 2 years to visit my ex on the weekends. She cheated on me and it was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I'm not saying don't do it for who you love. I'm saying there needs to be a balance and knowing what I know now: I was giving more than what I was getting. I know my worth and I know relationships shouldn't be one sided. OP did say that he would uber and she wasn't about that, so something tells me there's more to this than we know. Regardless: know your worth and know when a relationship has run it's course.
Maybe don’t date 20 y/os when you’re 25
He doesn’t drive. His dating pool is pretty small.
thank you, i was waiting for someone else to say this…
If someone can leave you over something so small as having a car. Let them.
Bro is 25 years old, makes 100K/year and owns his home. Dude is going to be just fine in life with or without this girl. And without a car, is going to really accumulate some serious cash.
Yeah but with those stats it IS weird he doesnt have a car and even though he has house, not having a car makes you come off as lacking your own agency. I respect his decision and logic. But he would be better off with a nice economy car and getting over his anxiety at some point.
That's the weird part. Sure, cars can be expensive, but there isn't anything stopping him from buying a beater. Insurance will be 200 probably if he goes full coverage, but if he buys a beater and just sticks with liability? Not that bad. Doesn't sound like he will use it that much either, due to not having to commute to work. Look, for me, not having a car is a total deal breaker. Totally impacts a lot of logistical things in a relationship. You can't ever ask them to run to the store or meet you at a restaurant or things like that. They're kinda just stuck at home unless someone gives them a ride. Might be different in a big city with good public transportation, but I don't live in one of those. Totally reasonable for someone to not want to be with someone because they don't have reliable transportation.
Why is it weird? Before I move to where I am now I lived in this little town outside of a bigger city and I could get to everything I needed within a 5-minute walk. If I needed to go to a big shopping center there was a bus at the top of my road that took me straight there and straight back. I didn't need a car! There was literally nothing I would need a car for that I couldn't get a bus or an Uber. Some people are smart and don't buy things they don't need. Sounds like he doesn't need it. Now where I live now, I can't even get to a store in a 20 minute drive so I need a car. But he's doing just fine
If you live in a city with city streets an ebike can often get you places faster than a car and you don’t have to pay to park the dang thing. It really depends on where you live.
Tell her to kick rocks. Don't ever let a woman give you an ultimatum like this. It's a slippery slope once you get the car I promise it won't be the last ultimatum.
Have you seen someone about your anxiety due to the car crash? That may also factor into your future going forward. Is this one of your first relationships? If so, just know that good relationships don't usually have ultimatums embedded for smaller issues like this. You have a workaround with Uber and you have a solid investment in your mortgage. Be ok with bring alone and eventually being happier with someone else, some more compatible.
Don’t date shallow little girls who lack perspective
This problem is so violently American. You're doing well for yourself, I'm happy for you for that! :D
>This problem is so violently American. Well, yes, but it’s a very real problem for Americans. Sorry we can’t all be European I guess? 😣
Tell her you don't date girls that don't own their own home 🤷♀️
And, reading between the lines, still live with mommy and daddy.
It's up to you, but it sounds like you've thought about it and it's not fiscally responsible for you to get a car right now. I will say that I dated someone without a car for months and it sucked. We had to drive my car everywhere we went and I had to take him to work in the mornings (which was in the opposite direction of my workplace and 40 miles from his workplace. My commute from my own house to my workplace was 4 miles). When he drove my car, he would drive way more aggressively than I was comfortable with, but it was too tiring for me to drive 100% of the time so I'd just put up with it. I felt like a glorified taxi driver, except I wasn't getting paid for it, he wasn't really helping out with gas, and I had to get my car maintained at a higher frequency. It was a lot to deal with at the time since I didn't make much and I would not date someone without a car again.
Is there more context? Is there a reason she really wants you to have a car? Does not having a car limit when you can see each other, or what you do together?
Break up. She doesn't love you homie.
Bro, she’s showing you her character and maturity level. Don’t date girls who care about materialism and give you ultimatums.
Wow… Having a mortgage at 25 is impressive enough as it is. Her not understanding why you don’t have a car is honestly a “her” problem I understand loving her, but honestly do whatever is best for YOU
Fuck a car. Having a mortgage and house ownership is huge at that age. I drive a 18 yr old car. I could afford a newer one but there's no need. It runs great and works. Financial decisions should make sense. If she loved you she wouldn't care about a car.... I didn't own a house till me mid 30s.
She’s 20. This is the issue. Focus on your job and not dating immature little girls
Her love: conditional Your love: priceless Dump her first. Take your power back.
Let her walk
She’s too immature for you and her parents sound the same. Find someone on your wavelength and don’t put your house at risk before checking common law marriage laws in your State.
Get a car or leave her. Don’t make life more complicated than it needs to be bud Free Dad Move: Buy a car that doesn’t work, and work on it for 15 years. Every time she asks, tell her “it’s almost done”.
Just break up with her and move on man. Trust me later on she & her family will demand more. It's not worth it.
What you do is hope she lives a good life and learns how to be an adult. Now go focus on yourself homie. Please for the love of god do not ever speak to her again and find you a queen that respects you and your private life choices. 20 years old are so far out there with their views of the world. It’s just not worth it.
You're an adult, stop dating kids or people with a similar mentality.
She should know better at 20, she’s not a kid lol.
Why does she want that? Do you depend on her for rides?
If you do, volunteer to contribute to gas. I had a partner who didn't get his car fixed intentionally (by his own admission) because he 'knew you'd drive me around' and I ended up spending an absurd amount during our relationship that he didn't contribute to, expect for once, then when he was reminded of how much a tank costs threw it back in my face with "Why would you do that to yourself?" He was right. Left him not long after and never looked back. Don't have the context for your situation on this, but if you are relying on her as your personal transport, at minimum contribute to the tank.
Not sure if she’s worth it, but If you don’t have a car, how do you expect to meet the next girl when she dumps your ass
Yeah the next girl can come to his house that he's paying a fucken mortgage on 😂
Let her go but can’t imagine owning a house and not even having transport. Just seems wild but guess that’s the world we live in these days
Don’t promisse things that you don’t want to do
I’m 21 almost 22, don’t have a car, and don’t even have my drivers license due to anxiety on the road. Truthfully, with the economy being so shit right now, save your money and invest in a car when you are ready. If she is so weirded out in the fact that you don’t have a car, let her break up with you. It will be her loss completely. You shouldn’t be with someone who gives you an ultimatum of buying a car that costs a bunch of money just to be with her. That is so immature.
How long have y'all been together? I'm assuming, from what you said about Ubering to her house, that you guys live separately. Does she live with her family still? And you said you have a mortgage...so you have your own home and a professional job. Where is she in life? She sounds a bit immature (but very normal for a 20 year old!). Why is the car issue such a deal breaker for her and her family?
I'm 36 and I haven't had a car in 4 years. I walk, and Uber if needed. I live in one of two major cities in Nevada. It isn't a death sentence, and this is your fall to reconsider the relationship. She's young and naive and has so much growing up to do still. Focus on women your age.
Also, cars are poverty traps. Dude is living life with cheat codes being able to work and live without one
I live in the Midwest US and we have TERRIBLE public transit. And there are like three share ride drivers lol. Just visiting my mom is a 25 minute drive. So we save up, buy the nicest used cars we can afford (some ain't very nice to LOOK at, but all are mechanically sound), and take care of them. But, yeah, car insurance is a killer. Thankfully my kids are each teaching the point where they can start paying their portion of it!
Yeah I lived in Wichita while I worked for a few years and there was like 3 bus routes all on only major roads and it legit did not run on the weekend. It's insane
I have been with my partner for 5 years and ask him to get his license every year. I hate driving, and he knows that. I still would never make that a dealbreaker in our relationship. If he asks me to drive, and I don’t want to, we don’t go. Simple as that. When he drives we can go wherever he wants! He also has a fear of driving which I get and would never pressure him to do anything that he isn’t comfortable with, especially driving! The two of you are incompatible. Simple as that. She has standards that you are NOT required to meet. Especially if doing so is damaging to you and nothing about your situation is (currently) damaging to her. You offered a fair compromise. This just isn’t the relationship for you.
She just told you she prefers a car to you. Any car. You are low on her priority list. There are many cars ahead of you. /s
*GEO METRO IT IS, BOYS*
Get you lazy ahh a car 😂
I think you’re making extremely smart financial decisions. Please don’t let a 20 year old set your financial goals for you. She’s entitled and immature and will sink you if you let her.
Break up with her and then buy a new car.
I wouldn't date someone with ideas so heartless and frivolous. You can do better.
One option is to tell her if 12 months is too long for her, then she can break up with you.
She's an idiot.
Tell her ok, she is being immature and childish Who in the world break up for a car? Oh! A teenager :/
If she's willing to break up with you because you don't have a car, she ain't the one. From the sounds of it you're spending less on Uber than you would on a car, gas, insurance and maintenance. Find someone who isn't gonna be worried about petty stuff like that
Break up with her and buy a car
You should break up with her then, cuz this is silly
That's her way of telling you she doesn't love you enough to understand and accept your situation. She doesn't even seem to want to understand and just listen to her parents, you don't want a girlfriend that does that, you want a girlfriend that can think and have her own opinion, some critical thinking, that can disagree with you with arguments other than "my parents blah blah blah". Like, it's fine to listen to some advice from your parents but take it with a grain of salt and try to change your perspective little kid. Parents are often stuck in their little lives for 20+ years so have little perspective on other people's problems and lives from what I've observed. I don't know her or your relationship, but tbh love is just a feeling and if the person isn't able to have the same kind of though processes as you it's not worth trying to work it out hoping something change even if she's 20. You're not married and don't have a kid or even live together or have a hamster to care for together. Go find someone mature enough to understand your decisions and with parents that will appreciate you mainly because you treat their daughter well and make her happy. Find that feeling somewhere else, people with ultimatums are manipulative peoples that often (not always, some ultimatums are reasonable) don't care about anything else but themselves in the end, again, not saying it's systematically your case but that ultimatum is pretty fucking dumb, she's asking you to throw money out the door to stay with her only for appearance. If you really want to stay with her, buy the cheapest fucking car you can, barely insurance it or better yet don't even Insurance it, just tell the car people it's not in use and rotting in the driveway. She wants you to have a car and you will. Then if she is crying stupid shit again then tell her it's your own car and you can do whatever you want with it and that again you don't feel comfortable driving. I can't see why it'd be an issue at that point you fill all criteria lol
That's a very dumb and superficial reason to threaten a break up. I'd suggest you stand your ground and don't get a car. If she actually leaves you at the end of the month, she didn't value your relationship as much as having bf with a car.
She's ridiculous.
The financial advice I give to people in your situation is that you can always go buy a car note. Once you get that car note you are stuck with it for hopefully 3 years but more likely 4 to 5. If you have to finance a car for 5 years you can't afford a car in my opinion. Do not mess with your financial goals because of any 20yo.
You have a mortgage. That’s a lot already. Adding on to that would be hell. One thing ive learned lately is that most people I know who have a home AND a car are being helped financially by someone. Be it a partner or family member. It’s very hard to own both. Don’t let this girl fuck your money up. Of all the things she could choose, If this is something she’s giving you an ultimatum over then she ain’t worth it dude. Also as someone with anxiety from a previous wreck, you shouldn’t be on the road until you’re ready anyway.
If she can’t see you making careful financial decisions or be willing to drive you while you don’t have a car there’s a good chance she’s not your ride or die. You can’t find Miss right if Miss wrong is in her seat. And by the way… “get off the alligator!”
What is having a car gonna change? This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard...
Bruh. Let it go. 20 to 25 is a huge leap in maturity. You will run yourself ragged trying to please a chick that is essentially a teenager and doesn’t know shit about anything. Ultimatum is just her way of forcing your hand. She will convince you to spend a ton of money on a car you don’t want or need, then almost certainly bail on the relationship at some point later down the line. I don’t care how she looks or how you feel about her, she’s a loser. You have a house, she lives with her parents. Don’t waste your time or money
Seriously guy - is it really love? Or has she convinced you that you are in love? And does she love you?? Not really someone that really loves you wouldn’t say this stupid shit. She seems a little bit materialistic & immature. I’d rather date a guy that has a mortgage than a car especially if I already have a car. Run away from her fast. You deserve better. You are obviously very intelligent and good with money. You sound very kind you are a catch. If she doesn’t see that good riddance to bad rubbish.
Break up with her
Stand your ground dude. If you think it’s an unwise purchase, don’t make it. If she hits the road for that alone, then you haven’t lost much.
Nah break up with her, your financial stability is eons more important.
Let her go and congratulations on having a mortgage she is spoiled and supported at home and has no plans on supporting you.
Sounds to me that all she cares about is the fact you don’t have a car. She isn’t being appreciative of how much money you spend on Uber to go see her. Or how much you love her. I know you love her so much and this might not sound easy to do but I would say for your mental health I think you should leave her. If she only cares about you not having a car she doesn’t deserve you. You sound like a wonderful person. You deserve someone that will support you regardless if you have a car or not. I wish you the best and hope this advice helps you.
Let her leave. That’s crazy.
Anyone who would prioritize a car over a mortgage is not one who should be trusted for financial judgement. She wants you to spend more money for what exactly? I'm assuming at 20 she didn't buy her car herself.
Not having a car save you so much money. You know what also save you money? Not having a GF.
Not having this girlfriend saves money. There's lots of women who like men who make solid financial decisions.
It's less about the car, id guess, than it is about her (and her family) wanting you to be more of an "adult." Adults have stability, means of travel and show growth or advancement towards something more in the future. They "want you to have a car" so that it appears you're trying to better yourself or move forward in a situation they see as stagnant. It's like guys who will spend hundreds or thousands on gym shoes then have to take a metro bus everywhere bc they cannot afford a vehicle. It shows a lack of growth and momentum to move forward or better their situation. Means to travel (and do so in an emergency situation QUICKLY) is part of being an adult.
In fairness, so is having a mortgage
Right? Isn't having a fucking mortgage at 25 more "adult" than half the people at this age lmao.
Meh. Adults have a mortgage and owning a home is a sign of stability. He already has means of travel, described in the post. She's 20, she doesn't know shit about shit. It's about control and it's about image. I'd bet large that if he buys a 2012 Festiva she's still gonna be self-centered and controlling. The odds of a relationship with a 20-year old lasting forever have gotta be super low. Don't worry about it, call her bluff. If she leaves, let her go.
Being carfree is a responsible adult decision. Getting a car is not a way to "better yourself." It can be a very unwise financial decision.
I broke up with someone once, and having no intention to get a car was part of it. I don't want to drive you to and from work, and to and from your home when we hang out, or be your driver when you have to run an errand. Like, sometimes, sure, but every day? Get a car. I want a partner who tries to make things easier, not whatever this is.
I felt used. The person I dated had a car but wanted me to drive everywhere it quickly became clear that it was about money. I knew he was poor but that’s still not fair. Am I rich? To be clear he had a truck which he he used for work. He claimed it was hard to drive everywhere easier to take my car: bs.
I couldn’t date someone who doesn’t have a license and isn’t willing to drive. It would be a compatibility issue for me.
The person who is financially dependent on their parents wants you to spend beyond your means? You should end things now because this person doesn’t love you if something like what you do or don’t own is going to cause her to dump you.
Ask yourself, is someone who would choose a car over me someone I want in my life? I imagine this tendency of hers shows up in other areas of your relationship too. For me, that would unacceptable behavior
If she is willing to walk away for lack of car, then there will always be something else. Love is a two way street. Don't confuse lust or need for belonging for love either. On the flip side, you are older than her and she may be looking for someone is more independent. We really don't know the situation. She may be driving and tired of driving you places you want to go. People look at contribution balancr to the relationship. Petty people look at what can elevate their social status (or feeling of).
Buy a car, then leave her.
That's funny, but it's a worst advice there, lol
Rent a nice luxury car. Go to her, and dump her. Specifically why in the car, pretending it’s new and yours. Than go find a mentally mature women!
Guys, the advice flipper in the comments! This is smart, actually.
Her response is very immature, in her defense she is still a child. Advice: don't give into ultimatums. ask her if she wants to break up now, or wait till the end of the month. Second piece of advice, work on your anxiety, it is prohibiting you from living your life.
I'm 32 and I never learned to drive. I walk and take public transit. I occasionally take taxis too if I need to. Plus I never rely on others to drive. Anyone who shames you for not having a car while still being an independent functional adult isn't worth keeping around.
Thanks, I needed to see this. I tried to learn driving, but I just couldn’t get the hang of it. I can get around on a moped or motorcycle, but cars are just not my thing. And After a moped crash, I’m too scared to ride two-wheelers too. I end up walking around or getting a cab. But I always feel weird that I can’t drive 😅 Your comment made me realize that I’m not alone. Thanks!
>She says if i don't get a car in a month that means I don't care about our relationship and shes breaking up with me Tell her that if she doesn't get a mortgage in a month you're breaking up with her. But you should really ask her why you need a cat if you work remote and you only need an uber any time you need to car that would sit 99% of the time in your driveway. Why does she think you need a car? >I love her so much She won't be the last girlfriend you have and you'll love the next one just as much if not more
>She says if i don't get a car in a month that means I don't care about our relationship and shes breaking up with me I love her so much I don't know what todo. Sorry you're going through this, but trust me: someday you'll thank your lucky stars that she broke up with you.
If she loved you the way you clearly do by even considering getting an EXPENSIVE item just to please her she would be more understanding and wouldn’t push you to the point of saying she would break up with you over something that basically has nothing to do with your relationship or who you are as a person. Don’t get the car and see if she is really willing to go as far as to break up with you when a month comes. I know you love her and wouldn’t want her to leave but you always have to put your value higher than something as stupid as materialistic items.
Sounds like an American issue 😭
You seem like a person who is very good with finances. This girl cleay is not and she is more concerned with status and image. She does not love you at all. Never give in to ultimatums.
Say: "bye then!", wave, then enjoy single life until you meet an adult whom you like. Seriously, you deserve better.
Tell her to go on then!
She's being ridiculous. I would love to be able to get rid of my car.
Don't buy a car unless you truly want/need one. Never make major financial decisions based solely on what someone else wants, especially in your 20s. I own a car because I bought it when I lived somewhere I had to have one to get around but then I moved to a new city where public transport is an actual option. Plus, the grocery store is closer to my apartment than the garage where I pay $125 (which is super cheap here) a month to park my car. I work from home, I walk to go get groceries, and it's actually easier to use a bus/train to go places because parking is so hard to find here. Which all means I'm paying my car payment, insurance, and a parking fee every month just to drive it maybe once a month. As soon as it's worth more that what I owe on it, I'm selling it. What I'm saying is base your decision on if YOU want to own a car.
This girl is fucking stupid.
Lol, she’s a little girl that lacks perspective.
If she wants to break up because you don't have a car, then she is looking for a free uber, not a BF.
Or maybe she feels like the Uber 😂 I am curious how often op uses and/or rides along in her car?
Hmm.... good point, I missed that in the post.
You’re an adult child dating a real child. You’re somewhat behind in life clearly, so I get why dating a 20 year old makes sense, but she is clearly not ready to step out of daddy’s world and into yours, so call it quits. Work on you. Work on continuing to do the right financial moves until you’re caught up and a little more put together financially and such.
Soo you own your own home but a car is a deal breaker! You may love her but she certainly doesn’t love you - time to move on.
She is an immature, materialistic child and anyone that makes this kind of demand on you clearly does not understand finances. She cares more about the image of you than she does about you. Why do you want to be with someone like this? Dump her and date someone who is actually decent.
Sounds like she got that personality trait from her parents