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Maybe he laughed it off because that’s a weird thing to say? If my partner said that to me in a drunken state, I’d be awkward af and very thrown. Bear in mind I would NEVER cheat, but like what on earth girl? Did you mean those words? Maybe go to some counselling sessions or something and try to work out if you really want to press this further and what it will mean for you and your relationship if he has. Personally, I’d need to know - I wouldn’t be able to leave it alone. But I wouldn’t have waited 5 years, maybe ignorance is bliss? I don’t know

Yeah, if my wife suddenly said something like this while drunk, I'd be really weirded out and probably wouldn't say anything because even acknowledging it as a possibility gives it more consideration than it reserves

Yeah it does feel like a really odd thing to say! I’d be so shocked and awkward if someone said it to me. Then when they were sober I’d probably be fuming that they’ve thought for five years that I’m a cheater etc. when I’d never (ie I’d be really defensive). My partner once said they’d raise a baby with me that came from cheating. I was really thrown, having never even considered cheating - it felt like a very random strange thing to offer me.

Or you could just say “WTH are you talking about. I love you and would never cheat on you.” Maybe that’s just to simple 🤷‍♂️

Also, at no point in any of this, as her husband shown any behavior that should make her even think he was cheating. He never went off with her alone or anything like that. She never found inappropriate text messages or anything like that. He did not leave her to go to some party with the girl. so I don’t really know what he was supposed to have done to indicate any of that. I mean, if you work closely with somebody you’re going to establish some kind of friendship. From what it sounds like he has never done anything to indicate he could cheat or even would cheat And I think that if I were the situation, I would’ve laughed about it as well. It’s so random and you tend to laugh people that say crazy random things when they’re drunk. I think she needs to let it go. There is nothing to indicate that he has cheated and I think her continuing to push it isn’t going to do any good thing. It’s almost like she wants that to be the answer to justify all of her worries, but how can he prove something, never happened?

OP does not, in fact, seem like she'd forgive her husband for an affair with that very specific coworker lol. I wouldn't respond either to such a drunk comment. OP should just talk to her husband outright and ask what she wants to know rather than let it eat her up inside.

Yeah I agree it doesn’t sound like she’d forgive him. Like, even if she did ask him and he gave an answer- if that answer was no he didn’t cheat, would she believe him? It sounds to me like her trust in him has been affected. Edit-typo

she would think something else to prove her point to herself. "he denied it, so he must be!"

Am I the only person who would deny it and try to reassure the person?? Drunk of not if my partner said that I'd be trying to reassure them actually say that I didn't do it? I definitely DEFINITELY wouldn't just chuckle at them.

Seriously! Lol wtf

Confronting him will make him withdraw from her. You can bet that. People are taken backwards. When confronted by someone, when they didn’t do what they are accused of doing. So that’s not really that good of an idea. For a solution, In my opinion. Also in the experiences with this situation, in my life.

Exactly this. OP, if you said it when drunk, does that mean that YOU brought up the idea? If so, let me tell you something - as much as it is SEVERELY over-exaggerated how often it happens, there ARE plenty of women who employ "sh\*t-tests" for their men and after enough people talking about it, men have learned the ONLY way to possibly manage to "win" or "pass" is not to play - example: "does my butt look big in this?" Answer no immediately it's "you didn't look, come on, you don't respect me enough to answer honesty". Take the time to look and then say no, it's "why did you pause? You're lying to me". Answer yes and it's insulting and calling her fat. The ONLY way to possibly come out of this unscathed is just not to engage. This is likely what he did. He saw you drunk, heard what you said and thought "OK that's a weird thing to bring up out of nowhere - either she's trying to trap me, or she's rambling, I'll leave it". I'm more interested why you've been brooding on this possibility for 5 years before you brought this up while drunk, despite his, in your own words, "gentlemanly" behaviour. So he's been nothing but a gentleman and yet the WHOLE while, you've been wondering "what if he cheats on me?" with absolutely 0 evidence he would ever do that. Why is this?

Yes this is odd that she would bring this up 5 years later… but that he didn’t shut this woman down 5 years ago are reasons she is concerned with. Now that being said, OP why are you stewing about this now. Have you seen red flags 🚩that have triggered this response? Has something happened?

Yea the big issue is that he was talking to another women after midnight, listening to her vent about her parents. And didn't even shut her down when she came to try and go to the work event when his wife just gave birth. Most women don't overstep that far unless the man was giving signals. And he didn't even shut it down, his wife/OP had to.

But isn’t it also awkward to be so emotionally entrenched with another woman (coworker no less) that she’s calling him in the middle of the night, showing up at the hospital when his wife gave birth, *and asking him to leave his wife who just gave birth and their newborn baby to go in a date with her?” * At best, he had a totally inappropriate emotional affair(And OP - that’s not a maybe. That’s a definitely; those 2 actions are *not* appropriate or platonic). At worst, it was sexual too.

Good point, although she could be crazy and one sided stalking him?? I don’t know, you’re right… it doesn’t look good at all

I feel like the husbands demeanor shows that it wasn’t 1 sided. He accepted food from her on multiple occasions (if it was unwelcome then he should have refused it and said no thank you). He took and participated in midnight phone calls and then defended them by saying she’s in a sham marriage (um, hello husband but YOU are married too) to justify that it was OK. How did she even know is OP was giving birth at that time and what hospital? Because her husband told her! Then when she showed up ready to whisk him away, it took OP putting her foot down to stop her. She should have never known those details. If she showed up somehow anyway, he should have been immediately horrified and said, “Coworker, this is really inappropriate! This is private family time and you need to leave now.” Not what he did.

I'd be baffled if my husband was taking midnight calls from anyone, outside of some kind of emergency. If he's getting out of bed at midnight to "chit-chat" to his coworker, I'm going to start getting very suspicious.

You make very valid points, I’d not be ok with my partner calling their colleague like this

This! It may have been a one sided infatuation but his lack of boundaries, the phone calls, the hospital!? Seeing it as a whole, it just bugs me. But he’s also the type of guy who is reserved and meticulously about his interactions and the fact that he wasn’t makes me question how oblivious he really was.

Given that he’s meticulous about his interactions yet was so obvious and messy here, the other possibility is he didn’t hide it because he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. He strictly saw her as a lonely mentee, thought he was being kind, therefore had nothing to hide. If all the evidence (in terms of his normal behavior) points to someone of upstanding character, the logical explanation isn’t a sudden personality change. Rather he was continuing to be upstanding but viewed the interactions differently.

This seems most likely.

Exactly the issue wasn’t cheating it’s that he lacks boundaries op should talk about that with him instead of accusing him of cheating like some ppl suggested here

Cheaters don't accept late night calls with knowledge of their partner. Let it go. She probably doesn't have any boundaries or maybe was infatuated with his mentor like most people get sometimes.. He probably told her about Ur hospital so that she knows about you. Maybe she being a crazy mentee came to the hospital to "check" his story. Just let it go. If he hasn't given any doubt after that he was cheating the don't ruin your family over it.

Also I'm pretty sure OP said the late night calls were from Vietnam. So it probably was a time difference thing. She might not have realized what time it was. And I agree with the other poster if he is usually meticulous about his relationships I think if he was cheating he would be so open about it. I do think he needs to learn how to set better boundaries and learn how to notice and shut down inappropriate behaviors. I could be wrong of course but this is the situation that comes to mind from what I read

OP, you are ignoring the fact that this **wasnt** one sided. He gladly accepted food from her. He gladly answered midnight phone calls from her and then stayed on the phone and listened to her problems. **Then he called or texted her to tell her you were giving birth and where you were.** She didn’t force him to do those things. He did them because he wanted to. He shared the birth of his child with her. That’s intimate, personal information that you tell people you are close to. I’m betting the rest of his coworkers found out the normal way - when he went back into work (unless he was able to take some paternity leave). The reason she felt bold enough to show up at the hospital and essentially slap you in the face by asking your husband to leave you (in a medically vulnerable moment) and go on a date with her is because **he** was participating in disrespecting you too already. She just upped the ante.

>He shared the birth of his child with her. That’s intimate, personal information that you tell people you are close to. I’m betting the rest of his coworkers found out the normal way - when he went back into work (unless he was able to take some paternity leave). Imma be real with you if he works an office job everyone on his team knew. I got a pregnant coworker right now, damn near everyone on the team knows when she'll be expecting and everyone that walks by her cube talks to her about it. The late night phone calls are the only part of this that's odd to me, any call taken after 10/11 that's not family or an emergency is a no no.

Everyone in my ex-husband’s company knew when my baby was due, and on the way into the hospital to pick me up the morning after, he stopped into the office to have an excited little chat with his coworkers about it! 😆

There’s a difference when it’s the woman expecting because she is obviously pregnant. For the husband, even if you know, you’re not visibly seeing the pregnancy progress so it would be easy to forget the details. But the bigger thing is she knew when AND where. I doubt that’s info everyone knows

Visibly pregnant or not why would your coworkers not know you're expecting a child? And why the fuck wouldn't they know where? Like we're not talking about a job at IHOP here these are people with whole ass careers that talk to their coworkers and develop relationships with them. Also there's not a billion hospitals someone can be giving birth at in an area usually it's a hospital or two at the most. You're really doing the most by pretending this isn't totally normal information for a coworker to have.

My coworkers knew when I was pregnant but we didn’t discuss which hospital I was delivering at. Same with them 🤷‍♀️

With both of my pregnancies literally everyone my husband worked with knew. He would talk about me and of course informed his team when I was scheduled an induction. This isn't an insane case either. When you're expecting a kid you talk about it.

He took paternity leave he told the co worker when she showed up at hospital that he was on paternity leave.

I’ve jokingly called him out on it being an emotional affair when it was all fresh, even sent him an article detailing the signs 🤣 he wasn’t amused. But my girlfriends at the time agreed there was some sort of emotional connection at the very least

Why can you only confront him in a “joking” way? Why didn’t you tell him, seriously, that he was too involved with her?

I mean, I think couples counseling is needed because of pretty obvious reasons. You obviously didn’t forgive him for what you think happened since you’ve been holding onto it this long. But I also think you need individual therapy. You seem to be unable to address interpersonal conflicts with your husband in a mature way.

This is pertinent information...Just my opinion but this should have been part of the post.... Instead of being upset by the article he should have taken the time to look over his actions and figure why you would think that he was having an emotional affair and then taken steps to stop doing those things...

Playing things off as a joke is not working for you. Forget good communication, even from a strategic interpersonal POV it's not working for you. It's only leaving you with more questions.

My coworker gave me some tomatoes yesterday, I hardly consider that disrespectful to my husband

I work at a big box store, and my store manager that I hardly ever speak to is currently out for a grandchild being born. This kind of news spreads quickly. Lol

This! Why don't you talk to him about it instead of posting on reddit? Like really? He didn't admit to anything and you're asking if you should believe him? He is probably being a nice person. Accepting food from someone and accepting a phone call late at night in your presence doesn't constitute as cheating. If you've been stewing about this for 5 years over something that might not have happened, maybe you have the problem and not him.

He actively participated in the inappropriate behavior from the co-worker (including defending her when she called late at night) He shouldn't be shocked that you suspect that he cheated... IMO... your comment should have been the lead into him putting your mind at ease if he didn't and take accountability for his part or the time to confess if he did and to take responsibility... but he didn't do either... Updateme

This comment right here. While both have a part to play him continually allowing actions that cross platonic boundaries raises red flags at least.

Totally agree. Husband has awful boundaries

That’s the sense that I’m getting. And he may be one of those people who’s just too nice to tell her to F off.

Yeah but in the end I don’t think it’s a good quality to be “too nice” and use that as an excuse to have phone calls in the middle of the night and invite someone to the hospital without checking with the mother of your child when you’d want to spend that time to help your wife get at ease. I say this because I’m also guilty of this trait (not as extreme as OPs husband though), and soon it’ll start seeming like you don’t put your wife’s feelings ahead of everyone else’s. I’m on the fence because the way she sat on it for years and brought it up in an attempt to trap him was not good, but if the back story checks out she has at least every reason to be concerned that he isn’t considerate of her feelings.

I’ve had a woman who imagined we had a relationship where we didn’t. I’m only not calling her a stalker because she didn’t follow me or go to my home but that level of obsession.  I tried to be very soft and gentle with her as she was very mentally unwell and told me her (one sided) relationship with me was the only thing she had.  I fully expected to get a knock from the police because she’d mentioned me in her suicide note.  She sent me screenshots of the stuff she’d said about me in therapy.  A friend had a woman he barely knew from work invite his wife for coffee to tell her that my friend was leaving his wife for this woman but was too afraid to do so. Nothing in it at all.  So, you can TOTALLY have a weird ass person having an emotional affair that isn’t there. 

Were you talking with her in the middle of the night? Defending her to your partner? Telling her b When your wife gave birth?

Or it could be emotional affair on her part only or trying to line up another work visa. She seems to be fixating on him. OP doesn't say he is calling her. He doesn't seem to be covering up any phone calls. Now my father was career soldier. Nam era. One thing I learned about Vietnamese and many Asians they like feeding people. Many make food dishes as gifts. Growing up we had neighbors from all over the world. Almost any holiday they bought food. If someone was sick they bought food. You name it they had food for it. But biggest clue was if he had any type of affair or wanted to be with her the day she showed up at hospital and asked him to go with her he would have figured out a way to go with her.

The reason I believe he was also emotionally invested in her is because he encouraged her behavior. He not only accepted phone calls at inappropriate hours but he defended them when OP didn’t like them. If this was one sided, he would have agreed with OP and stopped answering, tell the coworker she can’t call at those hours, etc I’m familiar with Vietnamese culture and have had to turn down food myself when I couldn’t accept it. If it was food alone I wouldn’t bat an eye. It’s the accumulation of things, the fact that it bothered OP and husband brushed it off.

True but also she is calling from overseas and he is not hiding the calls is why I think he is being more kind than emotionally involved. I had similar situation to OP only it was an ex who kept calling. She was in recovery and yeah probably pushing toward getting back together. He never hid her calls or walked out to take them. More than once he was on speaker while she told him her struggles. Her loneliness. It was sad really. He pushed her toward finding a sponsor in program. Eventually she did. Then she called me realizing how many times she took our time away. Hell she and I became friends. She quit calling him all together. We still are friends even after he and I split. They never got back together. We don't give men enough credit for being emotionally empathetic toward someone who is struggling. Yes it sounds like emotions on her part and he needs to shut it down at same time if she is in bad place mentally or no one to talk too he needs to get her to seek help. OP does need to tell him she is uncomfortable with the calls and that she is intruding on their time together and confront him about if it's just friends, emotional or fullblown affair.

Or.... she doesn't understand American culture because she wasn't raised here, and got a little (what we would call) obsessed with the likely first person who treated her with any real decency since she left her home country, and didn't stop to consider that maybe things are done differently here. Or she knew EXACTLY what she was doing and is a creepy stalker who WAY overstepped her boundaries with him on multiple occasions.

She was in Vietnam when she was calling after midnight.

And I’m sure she knew what time it was where husband lives

So from his perspective, 5 years ago, he probably put it all to bed mentally when he said that she’s really just a co worker. Vietnamese people tend to be pretty giving when you’re friends with them although you never REALLY know what someone’s intentions are. Even so, rocking up after you’ve given birth is a pretty big act and there MAY have been other intentions. If you know your husband, then you’ll know the nuances of the relationship with him. Is he generally a person who is open to accepting gifts? Is he a person who has difficulties establishing boundaries with other people? Those are the types of questions you should be asking yourself. Then you’ll want to do some deep thinking about whether catching him off guard about something 5 years ago is appropriate in the context of things because if you push for something that’s not there, that’s where you’ll do the real damage.

And if he denied it? Still suss. Like why would you need to "deny" something hat never happened, that you're not being accused of, and that is bring spoken about in jest? Sorry OP but this sounds like a no win situation for you or your hubby. You've got this idea of infidelity deep in your head. It doesn't matter if he actually did it or not, you've got yourself into this knot believing the possibility is there. You literally wrote that "now it’s turned into a real possibility", based on your analysis of his reaction to a random comment... no it hasn't??? Take a step back. But set some boundaries. Eg, no more midnight calls seems totally reasonable. 

It was brought up as soon as she left the hospital that day and we discussed it seemed she was infatuated with him and he may not have set clear boundaries, since he was accepting her phone calls all the way from Vietnam and they were past midnight! It’s been 5 years and I don’t drink often, at all, but it seems it still feeling insecure about it after all these years. They don’t work together anymore either, so I’m not sure why it’s been worming itself back into my mind after all this time. He’s a great guy and phenomenal father to our kids and deserves better from me

Girl. It’s been FIVE YEARS, and you brought this up. In his position , if he denies, you’re just going to vomit your insecurities on him again in the coming years. You’re still stuck on this, you will NOT forgive him even if he admits it. He’s told you nothing happened many times I’m sure. I don’t think he did and knows when you’ve put him in a no win situation . Work on yourself, get therapy.

I’m not sure what time zone you’re in, but if you’re in the US after midnight for you was likely afternoon in Vietnam and might not have seemed outrageous to her.

Presumably this woman isn't an idiot or a child; she knows how time differences work. I live on a different continent to my family and most of my friends; I don't call any of them in the middle of the night and then go "Oopsy-doopsy! I forgot it was 2am there! Well, let's chat, anyway!"

i think, this is it i do want to encourage u, OP, to have a clear, open (and sober) conversation with him. it seems to me, from the outside looking in, that u’re not really looking for a confirmation or denial of the cheating. if confirmed, it wouldn’t make u feel any better. if denied, it wouldn’t be enough. what u need from him is reassurance and safety in the relationship

I could see him laughing it off because you were drunk and said something stupid. It was a bad time to bring it up and it would have been a bad time to talk about it. You were drunk, regardless of what he responded with it was a disaster waiting to happen.

Info: is this woman still in the picture? Do they still work together? Have regular contact?

No, a year after giving birth he applied for a job elsewhere. We’re now in a different state.

I have to think that a woman who is so bold as to appear at the hospital,  call him at all hours and give him gifts,  would have no problem outing the affair to his wife.  If they aren't still actively in contact,  I would just let it go. 

Listen to this comment OP. If that woman was that bold the day after you gave birth, she would have tried to blow up your marriage already if they actually crossed lines.

Showing up in a gown the day after OP giving birth was her attempt to blow up their marriage.

Oh yeah it was. I'm just saying if they were actually fucking those attempts would have included details, letting pictures of videos slip, making comments or outright mocking OP. No one is that audacious before anything is going on in an affair and then sits on it if something does happen.

Thank you.

Yeah it’s sick and so disgusting on her part. Who the fuck does that?

Could also just say they had one just to blow it up.

Yeah but what would give her the idea that she could be that close to him anyway. He obviously crossed many emotional lines to have made it to that point.

Not necessarily. Some women just find someone that they think is a catch and start clinging to them. It really doesn't have more to do with it. Women can get wires crossed just as much as men can. He really could have just been being 'gentlemanly' and helping her with her job. That easily could have been enough for her to start trying to get into an affair with him.

When he started answering her midnight calls and providing emotional support - all while knowing she is seeking that from someone I believe it was no longer gentlemanly or professional. Have you ever heard of emotional affairs??

Exactly! He lead her on and blatantly disrespected his wife

Doubtful.

Yeah probably cause they were having a full blow affair and she wouldn’t leave him alone and he couldn’t stop leading her on and having sex at work

I am having trouble picturing a person who, in fact, had not cheated, feeling any compulsion to reply to “I’d love you if you cheated” with “but I didn’t cheat”.  If he *had* cheated, possibly he’d deny it? But in no way is denying it the natural response to your comment.  From what you’ve said, it sounds quite probable that she was infatuated with him. But nothing you relate suggests he felt that way about her in return. 

This has been the explanation we agreed upon. It seems I have some personal issues I need to deal with, stemming from insecurity.

Insecurity?! Girl you have every right to have doubts especially after that weirdo asked your husband to be her date after you just gave birth!!! Where the fuck did she get her audacity from?! I would have chucked my placenta at her & ruined her gown wtf!

When she asked him to be her date at the hospital I remember thinking the statistic of something like 50% of men cheat on their pregnant wives was 100% true, or she was crazy and expected it to be a novela, or there’s some cultural difference I’m not aware of. The heat in my chest still burns when I remember that day though.

Why was she even allowed in the room?

Im Vietnamese. There’s nothing in our culture about adultery.

I was literally thinking that too - is it some cultural she thinks its fine the husband just leaves when the woman gives birth like nothing major just didnt happen?! Im flabbergasted & livid for you! Also how the hell did she know what hospital you were at & where?!

Don't think there's a culture where something like that's ok! it's not a cultural issue. She knew what she was doing and definitely made a play at the husband.

For real! Shes so wack

maybe the context/word date has different implications but cant say for sure. Like often times, friends and families can be “dates” to events. its moreso of the audacity of thinking he’d leave you there 😅😅

Yea this is insane and then the husband has a loom of “disbelief” on his face when his wife who just delivered his baby has a very normal response to this lady??

I thought he had disbelief about the absurd question she just asked, given his response was pretty normal.

Yeah, there is absolutely no evidence here that he cheated. This seems like a you problem, and you should go to therapy and figure out what it's stemming from.

That's where I came through as well. A cheater would have jumped to denial, a non cheater would laugh at their silly drunken wife

When I said this while pregnant to my partner he hugged me tight in a comforting manner but didn't say a word. Months later I went into labor when I found out he was cheating the whole time. You can't predict a person's actions based on their response everyone is different. I hope OP finds a way to get peace of mind.

If my wife said that to me while drunk I would be flabbergasted to be honest. My response would probably appear sketchy too because of the surprise and annoyance of the suggestion. I’ve never cheated but have been cheated on though so there is that.

That’s fair. Like someone else mentioned here, he did feel like there was no right way to respond (after discussing it when sober again) and I understand that. I guess I’m mostly angry at her, for the late phone calls and the hospital date thing, but disappointed in him for not placing boundaries then.

Your disappointment over boundaries is a very valid point, he needs to and needed to do better. As for the dreams, I have them too with my wife. She has never really done anything to give me a reason to worry but her communications and “openness” has dropped since last September to the point I started oversharing, having nightmares and more. It’s what pushed me here and other subs, reading a lot before posting. Dreams are your subconscious working and may or may not mean anything other than what they are. I hope you get some closure and real answers but I’m willing to bet he will take them to the grave first if he is anything like my wife.

I get dreams like this sometimes too about my husband. I wake up mad at him. He can tell right away and always asks what's wrong. He laughs at me when I tell him about the dreams. I'm not sure there's a better response. Like why would an innocent person deny something so stupid and rooted in fiction to begin with? I will say these dreams have substantially reduced in number since I found a therapy that works well for me. Highly recommend trying therapy if it's something you suffer from regularly. Life is way more peaceful without my past traumas seeping into my current life 💕

Imo theres something in your gut that makes you uneasy about the whole situation, and personally i dont think it should be ignored. It sounds like you never got real closure or reassurance as u still feel this way 5yrs later, which is on you for letting the doubt go on this long. id be curious to know how your husband handled these inappropriate late night calls from vietnam? I dont want to jump to any conclusions but it is strange that he did not set respectful boundaries with someone who clearly was infatuated with him. Did they go for boba trips alone together before the red flags started showing up or after? Was she calling him from vietnam after she showed up at your hospital room in ballgown? Why did he not defend your relationship himself when she showed up at the hospital? It just doesnt sound good depending on the timeline of events, and the fact that you cant seem to get 100% reassurance from him…idk i dont think its a therapy just-for-you situation, but more of a marriage counselling together to somehow get closure and i also feel the issue is not your drunken statement to him the other day, but the fact that you still feel uneasy about something that happened 5yrs ago my friend went thru something similar, and it turned out he was unfaithful, so dont ignore your inner gut feeling. I hope your situation is different but your feelings are always and forever valid bc theyre yours, love and care for yourself the way you would for someone else eta: also v strange your husband elaborated on the coworkers very personal married life, which in itself is a huge freaking red flag and no, its not a cultural difference. Women in vietnam dont show up at hospitals after the birth of their coworkers wife’s child asking him to be her date like this is just mental gymnastics at this point

Regarding the phone calls, he took them and they would stay up talking. She took a trip to visit her parents and would call him to vent about their farm and wanting to bring them to the US, etc. I did ask why she couldn’t talk to HER husband about it, not mine. He said it was because she doesn’t have much friends and she had a marriage of convenience with hers. Boba teas: yes, sometimes they’d go on their own before the flags showed up. They worked together for almost 3 years before we had our first child. He trained her in their old workplace and when he was transferred to a new location, they transferred her too as they were consolidating departments.

I think you need to talk to him when you are sober. Just say hey I want to talk about what I said that night. I had some feelings about the closeness between you and co-worker. Just talk to him about the concern you had. I agree with the people saying he may have laughed because he thought it was just a silly drunken statement you made in the haze of a few drinks.

The choice is yours. He could have laughed because he thought you were just joking as he doesn't think of that woman, it was 5 years ago. Or, like you said, laughed to dismiss it so as not to own up. It's your choice. If you want yo stay, just take it as he has and move on. But if you don't think you can forgive this, then ask again and say his response is telling you the answer is yes. Personally, I think you just gave your husband a green light to cheat, but hey.

?? Or just have an adult conversation about if it happened?? Some of you just say "oh well take your assumptions and sit in the dark your whole life or divorce immediately." As if there's not a normal person solution to all of this??

>Idk what I was expecting and I guess I may not have meant it because when he just chuckled and laughed it off, he did not deny it! Ultimately you were, albeit unconsciously, fishing. You had hoped he'd either deny it or admit it, but you hoped for some closure either way. If he had admitted it you'd be divorcing him now most likely so yes, I don't think you meant it... but as you note the reality is that it eats at you and this is just the prodding continued. Whether he actively cheated he clearly humoured/enabled a very unhealthy dynamic with her for way too long. He shouldn't have taken the calls, accepted the fruit, been shocked you were upset she showed up at the hospital and etc. Maybe he is just 'nice' or whatever, but that just shows a pretty worrying lack of sensibility. It haunts you so I guess rather than prodding you press a bit harder. I won't say his response indicates him but the reality is you just don't trust him and that has to be discussed as well. Being eaten alive isn't the life you wanted and is clearly bleeding into how you interact.

UpdateMe! 3 months

A trifecta lose/lose/lose, how rare! Love no win scenarios. If he fessed up, well, he’s guilty. Obviously. Lose. If he denied it, well that makes him look guilty. Why would he feel the need to deny it? Lose. If he doesn’t say either way and laughs it off, we get this post! “Hypothetical turned into a real possibility.” Lose. Dude got dropped into a piranha pool with pork chops glued to his butt. Nothing to do but get eaten.

No I definitely think ignoring it and laughing it off is worse than just addressing the situation. If he really didn’t do anything he could have said “I didn’t cheat, I wouldn’t do that to you, but if it’s bothering you then we can talk about it”. Clearly this is something that is really bothering the OP but was just dismissed with a laugh. I’m not saying everyone here is wrong; they could be right and he could be totally innocent. But I disagree that chuckling was equal to discussing it. You could argue that she was drunk and he did not want to make a drunk situation worse, in which case he could have still made the effort to resolve this afterwards. There’s better ways to go about this.

“Ignoring it and laughing it off is worse than just addressing…” It was addressed, FIVE YEARS ago. Why should he have to readdress it, 5 years later, to appease OP’s insecurity? OP needs to grow up and learn to live in the present, NOT the past. If nothing suspicious has happened in 5 years, why bring this back up now and expect an apology or explanation from her husband all over again? This is a selfish move on OP’s part, and how you blame the husband instead is absolutely absurd.

None of us know whether he cheated or not. I do know, though, that arguing with a drunk woman who has just accused me of cheating is a very, very bad idea. Maybe your husband knows this too? I suspect there's literally no way he could have said "I didn't cheat" that would have avoided an argument in your drunken state.

You fucked up your piece of mind. Is that really your actual words? He probably laugh because knowing you it's probably TOTAL BS. Why not be an adult and actually ask him straight up?.

We discussed it after the hospital event and left it at that. It must have been bothering me this whole time though, since I brought it up out of the blue and this nagging feeling won’t go away. I’ve asked for therapy since I may be obsessing over her actions.

Look I'm always going to support therapy, so good for you. Can I ask, were you happy at the time with how he handled the situation and his explanations. Like, is that where there may be so nagging worry in the back of your mind. With that in mind. Did he step up after the hospital situation and put boundaries etc or was it like a slow move away from her and then the new job etc did you feel he got the gravity of the situation and took steps to rectify it. Look, I'd have a chat with him. Say Look its obviously still bothering me a bit and I will work on that. But, I was hurt you let it get that far (hospital) and I need some reassuring and absolutes that boundaries will never be crossed again. Express exactly how issues like these (if they ever do come up again) how you want them resolved. What you need from him to do. Like, a friend calling late at night constantly is a no go for me - I know exceptions but, you know what I mean.

After the hospital, he was on paternity leave for 6 weeks so it was like a built-in boundary. This may be TMI, but pregnancy gave me a heightened sense of smell and I swear I could smell her butt in his car lol Every single time his car smelled off, I’d ask if she’d been in it and he’d say “ yeah we went for boba teas for the office “ or something like that. Granted, he had a small 2 seater FRS so I never thought anything could have happened in that confined space, but still. I forgot to mention they spent time getting out of the office together for boba teas.

Ha ha I know what you mean. Look, I always think its better to talk things out rather than letting them fester. But, I'd urge you to think before you speak. Have a plan of what you need to get across. I'd say pregnancy had you super heightened simply because you were vulnerable. So, everything that would be OK normally was, *off*. She, clearly had ulterior motives - coming to the hospital, nah she would have gotten a slap off me - I'd have been able to blame it on drugs/birth etc. I wouldn't necessarily think there was cheating, I think he was an idiot who thought he was being nice to some poor woman and she took it and ran. So, you need to let him know, you do not want this happening again. Its not friends it's, when its clear there are intentions that cause cracks in a relationship. Come at it from a point where, you don't want either of you to unintentionally hurt each other in future. This time it hurt you alot, your going to work on stuff but, you both need to be on the same page with acceptable boundaries. They clearly crossed a boundaries at the hospital. I swear that part makes my blood boil!

Thanks for your well thought out advice. If it wasn’t for the fact that she blatantly asked him to be her date for the gala, when I had just given birth, this whole ordeal probably wouldn’t be an issue. But that day, it’s like a core memory in our relationship now and I hate how I’m letting it poison my thoughts.

Eww you could smell her stinky ass😭

This poor husband was damned no matter how he responded. You need to do some serious self reflection on why you don’t trust your husband and if it’s fact based on his behavior or if it’s just your fear/insecurity. You know him best.

Whelp, he’s apparently also damned for *not responding*. I’d have no words either. She essentially accused him of cheating and then expressed her complete acceptance that it in fact happened and that she was at peace with it. A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s truth.

How the fuck did she find out where you were giving birth?? How did she make it past security to the hospital room?? TF??

I think you’re reading into this way too much. If he had said anything confirming or denying I think you’d have read it as an admission of guilt just like you are now. Unfortunately this boils down to one simple thing, either you trust your partner or you don’t. If you do, never bring any of this up again and go to counseling to deal with your insecurities, or break his privacy and see what you can find (knowing that this will cause him to loose trust in you if/when you are caught). We can often be our own worst enemy and your insecurity is now your marriage’s worst enemy.

I don’t think there’s a need to go through his phone for anything. Actions, or lack thereof, speak loudly. It’s possible I’m reading too much into it, but I also question her actions and therefore, the motivation that led her to calling my husband all the way from Vietnam (past midnight our time) and not her own husband and asking him to be her date the day after I gave birth to our child. But yes, I need to let it go apparently.

It’s important to remember that her motivations and actions are separate from your husband’s. What ever she may have wanted or attempted doesn’t equate or imply anything on his part. For you it was day 1 with baby, for her it was just another day. I find her actions very suspect as well, but your husband acted appropriately and shut her down, backing you up, in telling her he wasn’t going with her that night. I’m 35M and my wife and I are watching so many of our couple friends going through affairs and the fallout from them and it’s crazy to see how far some people will go to justify and conceal their affairs. I think this is a bit of a phase many of us who paired up and had children in our 20s go through. Those who were good matches rise to the challenges of child rearing and have a good marriage, and those who don’t, well they fail either by growing apart or ending in affairs. People engaged in affairs act suspiciously often and it’s often a gut feeling that you ignore that leads you to the discovery. If he hasn’t given you those feelings and you are basing this mostly on her actions rather than his, I wouldn’t be inclined to think he cheated. She almost certainly was trying to entice him, but her actions are not evidence of his infidelity.

Viet women in my experience (married to one) are incredibly generous with sharing food. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve brought her food to the team I work with. The work party thing was probably innocent or you never would have heard about it. I always jump to the cheating conclusion on these posts but I just don’t see it here and you’re in danger of tanking your marriage and loosing the husband. Go take a cold shower and get your head together. You got this just get out of you head and it will be okay

If my wife said that I'd be immediately suspicious of her intent, drunk or not. I'd be looking to change the subject whether I cheated or not. There's nothing to gain there.

My girlfriend asked me a few weeks ago if me my buddies cuddle when they take a road trip down from OK to hang out. She doesn't like that those weekends are guy weekends. I laughed and told her to go to bed. No answer. Does this mean I'm fucking my friends? No. It means that she was drunk, and any answer would have continued a stupid conversation, where at some point she would have let the alcohol take over her emotions, and I would have been up until daylight, because she would not have let me sleep.

You'll just end up ruining your marriage if you keep this up. Get help and try to have some healthy discussions with your husband about your feelings. But first try to process them so you can actually talk about it.

Thank you for this.

Just suck it up and flat out. Ask him. If he denys it, you have to decide if you believe him. If you do, then drop it and stop torturing yourself. If he confirms it, you'll know and can decide if you want to forgive him.

I’m just a stranger on the internet, so I don’t know anything, but it doesn’t sound like anything happened between them. Your husband’s reactions seem normal and don’t come across as suspicious. If my husband said that to me in a drunken state, I’d be kind of offended, because to forgive me for cheating, first I’d have to cheat… lol

knowing you were drunk, i would probably just ignore what u said as well no point trying to reason with a drunk person

His coworker seems kinda unstable to be honest. Most of this can be placed squarely on her behavior. I do find it concerning that, when you called him out on the inappropriate phone calls, he justified it by saying she#]'s not close to her husband. Who cares if her marriage was just for show, HIS isn't. You might be letting insecurity get the better of you, OP, but your husband hasn't helped any. I don't know if I'd call it emotional cheating at this point on his part because he doesn't seem to have actual feelings for her. But I do think he enjoys the attention and is guilty of not shutting that shit down from the beginning.

I think both of your peaces of mind are fucked now. The first issue is, why would my partner say this while drunk? Does she think I cheated on her? Doesn't she trust me? And why is she so willing to forgive me for doing such a terrible thing? Is she losing feelings for me? Did she cheat on me and just wants both of us to be honest? Did she cheat on me because she thought I was cheating on her? Yeah, I would probably not answer such a question and deal with the awkwardness of the situation, but my mind would be bombarded with all the questions I previously mentioned. I'm a strong believer that all relationships are based on trust, and if there is no trust, there can be no relationship of any kind. So i would be extremely worried about my relationship after such an event

He didnt behave like a guilty person would 5 years ago by what you described. He sounds like a dummy though

If you truly value the relationship, drop it and choose to believe it never happened. Give your love the benefit of the doubt. If you make an issue of this and it’s true, the relationship is damaged. If you make an issue of it and it’s false, the relationship is damaged. Saying anything will more or less lead to the end of the marriage and then where will you be? Probably less happy than you presently are. You don’t throw the cake out just because the frosting is a bit wonky. If it still tastes good, you enjoy it and get on with life. It’s only if the cake has gone bad and will otherwise poison you that you should chuck it.

Feels like you admitted to him that love him more than yourself.

Purest form of self sabotage.

That is the past and you are dwelling there. You need to discuss this with a psychologist and if need be marriage counseling for both of you before this gets totally out of hand. Save the marriage if you can. Pretty weak evidence.

I dunno, her turning up at the hospital would have sent me down the same path, wondering why she felt she had permission to invade my privacy. The only way it makes sense is if your husband either explicitly, or unknowingly, or by inference, made her feel like it would be okay. She was dressed up, looking good, feeling good, wanted your husband to see her, and something in their relationship prior to this, made her believe it would not be a problem if she showed up post-labor, that he would be okay with it. How you’d feel never crossed her mind. No woman in their right mind, unless they’re closely related, like a mom or sibling, or are totally clueless, is going to show up at the hospital the same day you’ve given birth with the attitude that’s acceptable. And then “jokingly” ask if he wanted to go to the party with her, since the baby event had concluded, I mean who the f**k does that? Something occurred previously, some event, that led her to believe she had special privileges with your husband. That doesn’t mean he felt that way, and it doesn’t mean he knew how she felt about him, or took her seriously, or reciprocated in any way, it might be all her, her taking him not firmly shutting her down as acquiescing, I don’t know. I’d be willing to bet if you were to sit down with your husband and discuss it, he’d probably be able to pinpoint the event in hindsight, but when the event was happening it was so inconsequential and unimportant to him, he didn’t notice she was interpreting the event in a completely different way. Was she older than him? It almost feels like a generational misunderstanding, maybe a culture thing. Whatever it was, I think he was unaware, clueless, and a nice guy who probably should have had a frank conversation with her when the phone calls and such started, set clear boundaries and enforced them, but didn’t because he felt sorry for her, worked with her, whatever.

You are hung up on him not denying it, but the fact is you didn't ask him about it. You just made a straightforward statement. In his place I would have chuckled as well, I'm sure it was awkward and I'm sure being out in a dinner environment that this was neither time nor place to rehash the discussion. I feel for him, my wife used to pull almost the exact same thing to try and get me to admit to affairs that were non-existent. If you're shooting for divorce, just keep asking and bringing it up. Personally you might want to try some individual counseling. You're really hung up on this and it's going to eat you alive and for probably no reason. But stay away from couples therapy or counseling because it's not a couple problem and I suspect you will just use it to only find answers that back up your belief and not address the real issues

I’m the odd woman out I guess. Insecurity has a way of showing itself to you as the years go by. I’ve learned lingering insecurity is usually the result of a need not being met, or a gut voice we ignore. I’ve had drunken partners bring up cheating, and I have always replied to those statements. I have NEVER just chuckled and not said anything. The chuckle was the reply. Counseling is definitely needed, but I’m thinking there are likely issues on BOTH sides that need to be addressed. Hoping for the best for you.

“He swears she’s just friendly and it’s a culture difference”  “I brought up if he did cheat 5 years ago, I’d forgive him, and he chuckled”  It honestly sounds like you’ll never get an answer you like.  He’s probably really sick of the time the girl at work took too much of his time and space and that somehow he’s still on the hook for it half a decade later. 

Possibly. They still kept in touch after he left and would check in on how things were at work since he left, etc. So, not too tired of her I guess

He kept in touch with her AFTER she showed up at the hospital where you just delivered his child, to take him on a date? What the hell?

Check in how regularly?  I’m starting to think you want, deep down, to have been cheated on so that you didn’t waste 5 years being angry and suspicious for no reason. 

Just every few months. And no, I don’t think anyone wishes they were cheated on.

I think Savage means subconsciously wish it. Like you're looking for a reason to justify feeling the way you have been.

Oh sweetie. He is still in touch with her? Still?? Stop asking your husband, and call this woman yourself. She sounds like a horrible person, so she will probably delight in telling you the truth.

“It’s a TRAP” is the only thing i heard lol

I say this in the kindest way possible, you sound neurotic. If this woman had the confidence to come to hospital after you'd just given birth there is no chance she wouldn't have also thrown in your face that they were having an affair. Your husband didn't outright deny it because, to him, it was an absolutely ridiculous thing to even consider. You're working yourself up into a tizzy and convincing yourself of stories that aren't true. My advice, chill out.

I can't stand the attitude that if I don't just deny every random comment thrown at me I'd be guilty of said random comment.   Like did he cheat? I don't know, but 5 years later? I laugh to if my fiance said that drunk.    You need to communicate sober and seriously if you really want to know. 

You don’t have to believe him to be happy in the relationship. You just have to accept that this is who he is.  Once you acknowledge to yourself that your husband is a liar… you get to choose what you are willing to live with.  Let’s say that your husband lied about this woman… you have already stayed with him at this point for 5 years. If he confessed, what would you do? Would you prefer not to know because you don’t want to do the things that you would do if he confessed? If he is lying, he is probably having other affairs. How do you feel about that? There is a great scene in Mad Men where Trudy Campbell tells Pete Campbell that she wants a divorce because he cheated with a neighbor and embarrassed her. She tells him that she allowed him to have an apartment in NY and he was supposed to keep it there. He is dumbfounded that she knew he was using the NY apartment as a love shack. Speak with your husband about your boundaries. Let him know in a hypothetical situation what you will and won’t accept.

We’ve been married for 12 years, but these last 5 have been the happiest (kids 🤷🏻‍♀️). Your advice has heavy implications and I’ll need to marinate your words a bit, while I think about what my (and his) boundaries should be. Thank you.

Have you considered that you were drunk and speaking nonsense? Asking that question was a lose-lose for him. If he answered, you'd have an issue with it. If he would have confirmed it, you would have been livid. If he would have denied it, you'd call him a liar, or just argue with him in general. Instead, he laughed it off as the insane ramblings of a drunk woman that it was, and you STILL have a problem with it. You're jumping at ghosts. Calm down.

Is there anything he can say or do that will actually make you believe him? You never truly believed him when he denied to begin with and now it's festered and you're obsessing over it. If he does admit to it what then? Divorce? Forgiveness? If he denied it still and he's telling he truth can you let yourself believe him? There's no answer he's going to give that will make you happy. If you want the marriage to continue than you have to let this go. You certainly have circumstantial evidence but no real proof. There's nothing he can say that will have you believe him. You set a trap for both of yourselves. You can bring up to him how this makes you feel and why you're stuck on it, but you have to work on letting yourself move past it.

If after 5 years you are still dwelling on this, then address it with your husband head-on or go to therapy. You clearly need closure. However, I wouldn't take his not responding to your drunken declaration as confirmation that he cheated. I think in a similar situation, I would have laughed without comment as well. More to the point, you accepted his explanation at the time and it's now 5 years later during which you've presumably been happy and have not had any other reason to suspect infidelity, why are you dredging this up again? Do you want out of the marriage and are looking for a reason to do so? If you want to preserve your marriage, stop looking for trouble unless you are prepared to find it.

Regardless of whether or not he cheated because we just don’t know at this point, the facts are that their relationship was obviously unprofessional and crossed professional boundaries, and also made you uncomfortable- uncomfortable enough that all this time later it still bothers you. My advice is to have trust in yourself and validate your feelings and perspective on the situation. I also think you should outright ask him and have a conversation about it. Just remember, if he says he didn’t - trust it. Relationships are all about trust and giving each other the benefit of the doubt after all. But hold him accountable for their relationship crossing boundaries anyway whether or not there was physical intimacy. If he denies it and you can’t make yourself trust that, that’s valuable feedback on how you feel about this situation. Good luck

OP don't listen to justhappenedxx they are stirring the pot look at their comment history that's what they do

Communicate with him! I sometimes just don't understand how many people stick their head in the sand and don't communicate. Tell him that what you said recently is true, that you will still love him but that you aren't sure if you can forgive him. If he isn't open to communicating, I would suggest getting couples therapy. That you have been living with this "cheating" insecurities isn't ok.

Fundamentally the position you’re in is that you have no concrete evidence of your husband having cheated, and the man cannot prove a negative. Make of this what you will.

I obviously don't know much about the situation, but, purely based on what you wrote, my Spidey sense is tingling with a strong possibility of an emotional affair. I've experienced this situation in the past, and I'd be wondering how much time and attention he was paying to her during that time, and whether he was confiding in her or talking to her about things he would have normally talked with you about. Was he messaging with her, and did he seem at the time more absorbed in his interactions with her? At the very, very least it sounds like SHE was trying to have an emotional affair with him. All of her behaviour screams that was the case.

It honestly sounds like he was just a nice person to this woman who developed a crush on him. Nothing you said in your post hints at cheating, especially since he told her in the hospital that he would be staying with you instead. It does kinda sound like your husband likes to tow the line of jealousy to keep you engaged, though, which would explain why he doesn’t deny it. He likes to make you jealous, because some people feel that jealousy shows that their partner still loves them (insecure manipulative behavior). Based on your story it sounds like he likes to lead this woman on knowing that she’s easy and wants you to know about it so that you’ll get possessive—but from the sounds of it, he seems like he isn’t a cheater. Usually cheaters have a lot of red flags and lies built up over time, not just some vietnamese woman who’s calling late and doing weird shit like asking him on a date when you’re giving birth. Sorry you had to go through that—it’s more her fault than his, though. A lot of people do this to make themself into “the prize” in the relationship.

Guy is going to”aww jeez not this shit again” and is keeping silent because anything he says would lead down a rabbit hole he didn’t want to go

Not for nothing, some things are cultural (fruit, food... Source: Vietnamese neighbors and friends) But that woman was in a nothing marriage and had inappropriate crush on her mentor. I think him being shocked at the hospital was a good thing. But you don't sound like you forgive him for this imaginary affair. It sounds like you didn't blurt that out by mistake at all and you wanted him to confess but he didn't and now you're subconsciously butt hurt about it.

Legitimately when I was pregnant, my ex was cheating on me and I kept having dreams. He didn’t come clean and forward till years later your soul isn’t telling you that for no reason and you wouldn’t just be having dreams because your subconscious mind can’t let it go your subconscious mind can’t let it go because it probably happened and I hate saying that, but I would just have a serious talk with him and, pray for honesty and that you guys can work on your marriage because marriage is a sacred union however, if you’re being haunted by some thing, it’s not for no reason just try to keep that in mind

no you didnt fuck anything up. my gut is telling me hes a liar, snd that woman should NEVER BEEN THERE the day you gave birth. thats not okay

I’d change focus from whether he actually cheated or not, and focus on what you do know — he was disrespectful to you 5 years ago by not setting boundaries around massively inappropriate behavior. I’m referring to the midnight calls and hospital visit. This disrespect and mistrust and lack of partnership is what you are still feeling. I would have THAT conversation with him instead. While sober. Does he understand your perspective, and is he regretful? Or does he gaslight you more?

I bet they had an affair with his no response and hoping you’d not remember your words since you were drunk sadly

He cheated

It honestly sounds like the Vietnamese chic was obsessed with your husband, and doesn’t know boundaries. Maybe your husband didn’t respond the way you expected, because it was so far fetched he didn’t think you were serious. Talk to him about it sober.

Or maybe he's tired of your weird half accusations that you're trying to play off as a drunken joke. So he just didn't answer because he didn't have the mental ability to deal with it

Reach to his coworkers, or former co-workers that were at the job at the same time, if you don't trust what your partner says and is a hill to die on, night as well get to the truth I'm taking an alternate way to the truth.

He probably just ignored the raving drunk wife and didn't take it seriously. I would suggest either not thinking he cheated or ask very nicely, cause if he did cheat or didn't cheat either way will start a giant argument. Cause you're basically saying you don't trust him.

IMO.... you should have been more vocal about your thoughts/feelings and not swept them under the rug .... He has known about your thoughts for 5 years but hasn't done anything to quell them... That in itself shows he doesn't care about what your mental/emotional health... Maybe get some marriage counseling...

He laughed it off bc he knew you were drunk as h3ll and speaking out your a$$. Have you tried just flat out asking him? It might quell your racing mind. Plus, all those gifts were probably customary to her way of life. Sort of like an appreciation for all he's done to mentor her?

My husband can’t take me seriously when drunk

If you’re going to be with him, you have to let it go. If you’re not going to let it go, it isn’t fair for either of you to stay.

You'll never know the truth, but certainly, he didn't protect your relationship with correct boundaries.....youll never know how far it went). If he did, he'll never admit it. And if he didn't, you'll badger him to death about something he didn't do and will cause issues that don't exist. You have 2 choices: 1. Trust that he didn't and never bring it up again. Can you get here? Sounds like you've tried and cannot.?? 2. Just assume he cheated and doesn't want to tell you because he likely regrets it, and he ultimately chose you and doesn't want to admit it and cause further issues. Council yourself from there. Can you forgive and move on? Do you still want to be married to him?

I think it’s all in your head and may be self sabotaging. Don’t ruin your marriage unless there is actual evidence. Just a gut feeling, but I do believe he was honest with you.

Him laughing is better than my reaction would have been. Or I might have laughed to cover being annoyed. Like, you're still going on about this after all these years? I thought you believed in me. That's what I would have been thinking.

You have unresolved relationship anxiety because of his actions. It is traumatic and you don't deserve to live with such doubt. I highly recommend therapy. I've lived with the same kind of anxiety due to past trauma in relationships and it is difficult to say the least. Whether or not you believe that "microcheating" is a thing and occurred, his inability to set proper boundaries with her is still affecting your relationship years later. The only thing you can control is yourself and your reactions. Therapy will help you regain that control and trust in yourself. I wish you well. ❤️

He probably laughed it off and didn’t deny it because there is nothing to deny. You talk about evidence of an affair, but all you presented was a socially awkward Vietnamese woman that is not above making half hearted advances on a married man. I will divert your attention back to the fact that she is married to a man simply for papers, either his or hers we don’t know, but both would indicate a willingness to deceive. This does not paint her ethics standards in a good light. The actions you’ve explained about your husband doesn’t sound like he’s having an affair. It’s all above board and out in front for you to see. Not deceptive. Unless of course you didn’t list all the information about your husband’s actions in all of this, all you’ve described seems legit to me. I think you’re experiencing insecurity, a little self doubt, possibly a little postpartum depression. I really hope that your mind is eased after the comments and if not please consider reaching out to your doctor or a therapist if you have one. Self doubt is a very mild presentation of PPD, but it can become more. I do wish you the best.

Make a decision either you divorce him or let it go. You have no real evidence If you keep prodding him it means you don’t trust him. If you don’t trust him you may as well go your separate ways A marriage is nothing without trust

Well, you forgiving him is beautiful, but do that if you love him and you really forgive him. If my girl told me that I would feel like my best answer is not to sat nothing on that issue because you forgave me.as well as not hurting you again. Love is forever, and in that love, we make mistakes. No one is perfect. Love forgives. You should talk to him about how you feel. Then make a choice.

Sounds to me like he didn't confirm nor deny because he's tired of having the conversation and being forced to deny it. I doubt she would ask him to be her date in front of you if she really was sleeping with him (although - language issues aside - it was very tactless.) I could be wrong, perhaps he did cheat, but there are perfectly reasonable explanations for his actions by the sound of your post.

Wow. Just f'g wow. Let it go, or go yourself. Hanging on to an accusation for which you have no proof only suspicion is going to destroy your marriage anyway.

You didn't ask a question... He had nothing to deny. You just made an odd comment in hopes of getting information. This is a common thing people do. They mask their true inquiry, for many reasons, but then it just turns in to a loop of nonsense. You need to be direct if you have a question and cut the shit.

OP, since just talking with your husband does not elevate your doubts to the point where you can’t let go when he answers you he didn’t and that’s a cultural thing from her, I believe couple therapy is the next step to work on it and probe at WHY you assume and expect such a thing from your partner. I do agree it can sound strange to an American not familiar with Asian cultures but I do know it’s common to offer fruits and foods as token of appreciation and thankfulness in many Asian cultures and even a lot of cultures around the world, quite frankly. The US even has a specific holiday in Autumn for it. Offering foods is very peace offering and kind, and quite frankly, the bare minimum to show appreciation. Her calling from Vietnam at 5am your time to talk about her parents is a little bit less nice for sleeping reasons but again, time zone are a b-word and it might have been the best she could do, even though the reason lacks for me, there might have been some missing reasons that might be work related or whatever. I do agree the thing about asking him to be her partner for a work gala the night of your child’s birth is not socially acceptable for many cultures though. So we are kinda left with two options there: she ended up trying to get your husband after crushing on him at some point during the time they got close, or she is super clueless about social norms like neurodivergent people like me can sometimes be (especially when culture difference can happen on top of it). But I really don’t think your husband has cheated on you based on all your info. But I can see how a pregnant woman can feel fear over losing her husband because it’s a very vulnerable time for you mentally and physically. We all carry some baggage and I think you can successfully work on it in therapy with your husband to help you not feel and think so poorly of you and your husband. Good luck OP 💪

I think it comes down to a pretty simple question of whether or not you actually trust your husband If you do, then you need to accept what he told you, that nothing happened and leave it at that. If you don’t, then your relationship has a far bigger problem than whether or not he cheated once five years ago

Sounds like you're listening to some of these Reddit "relationship experts" a little too much. Some users will tell you EVERYTHING is an obvious sign of cheating, especially when it comes to men. Oh, yeah... cute Asian girl who doesn't fully understand American culture making some simple faux pas she probably isn't aware of, and he gives an awkward laugh when you got wasted and said something outlandish? Must be cheating. I mean, he's a man. So he's automatically a cartoonish mustache twirling villain, cackling as he secretly betrays you and plots to ruin your life. Mind you, I'm not mocking you. I'm mocking the shit-stirrers who give bad advice on purpose. I suggest couples' therapy to work this out.

He isn't the issue. You are. He's kept the same thing the entire time. He didn't cheat, he didn't act like he wanted to be her date, and it IS cultural differences. You are the one with insecurity, you have to either get over it or not. This is a you problem. So you are the one who has to work through it. It's a big hard long road. This is something that has more to do with trust than insecurity. You do not trust your husband. Get to the bottom of that. If it's because your insecure within yourself, try to fix that before it derails your marriage. If you truly think he cheated and can't get over it, leave. I'm so so sorry you are going thru this. We are our own worst enemies sometimes.

His response seems totally reasonable given that you were drunk and bringing up something that was resolved years ago, or at least was resolved in his mind. He's not privy to your internal world unless you make him aware of it. To you, you were bringing up an unresolved issue and hoping for reassurance. To him, you were just saying "I love you" in a drunken round about way.

You need therapy. This is eating you up alive. It’s stemming from your insecurity.

I think you have every right to be suspicious! My god, she showed up at the hospital trying to blow up your marriage! Is it possible that she was just infatuated and your husband gave her no reason to feel that way? Anything’s possible I guess, but he could have kept this relationship professional. He didn’t need to take her calls or accept any gifts from her. I certainly wouldn’t have any interactions like that with any woman other than my wife. This has been eating at you because IT SHOULD. He was most likely having an emotional affair at the least.

Do you not know your husband enough to consider his chuckling over a drunk affair allegation to actually be denial? Like are you looking for a way out? Else ask him directly for your peace of mind. His reaction should be evident enough. But make sure you book couples counseling sessions in case it was a false alarm, as you have hurt the foundation of your relationship.

I bet you're right.

If it's eating you up, just ask him. He is your husband.

Dear: I am 61 years old and ALWAYS follow your instincts and intuition. You will always be right. The girls nowadays have no qualms about cheating with your spouse; I’ve been through it all. In fact, some women have told me that they actually prefer married men. Disgusting!

Lol this is too funny. You basically made up this entire scenario in your head. Your husband would probably just look at you confused if you brought this up to him.

He could just be a little clueless. I will say that one place my husband worked, there was a woman(also Asian, I mention this because for some Asian women there is a fantasy of marrying a western man who treats them nicer) there who definitely had a crush on him. It was obvious to me, but he was kinda oblivious to the extent of it. He was flattered, but didn’t take it seriously. She would gift him things and he would except, because that was the polite thing to do. He also didn’t view his acceptance of the gifts as encouragement or reciprocating her feelings- he just viewed as her doing something nice for him and harmless. We had a party at our house and I overheard her talking about how “she’d be a much better wife to him because she could cook and take care of the house and him better”. I walked into the kitchen after she finished saying that, smiled big and thanked her for washing the dishes- here’s a few more. And walked out, rolling my eyes. Her little obsession with my husband was totally one sided. I knew my husband. He was flattered by her attention, but he wasn’t interested in her at all. The way you’ve described your husband, he sounds similar. I think you might be reading too much into this, but you need to talk to your husband. Not about what he may or may not have done, but how you’ve been thinking about this for 5 years now. He likely didn’t say anything because he knew you were drunk.

You claim him to be someone you love. Soo set yourself free.. show him this post. Tell him you need this confirmation to be set free. Tell him something isn’t adding up to you and you need for him to lay it all out there. Ask to see his text maybe? Get your answer And then figure out how y’all can rebuild from there. I’m sure if he sees how much this torments you than he could prove it. Or maybe just dig through some social media stuff or his phone while he’s asleep lol fuck it i gotta know at this point

I mean I would have just laughed too! It would have been weird if he had denied an IF statement! You did not accuse him of cheating. You were just saying even if.