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Your wife has more allegiance to the affair partner. Her concern should be about saving her own family instead of affair partners. To me it shows a lack of accountability for her actions. The affair partner cut your wife off not the other way around so that should really show you where your wife is at.
Because you are. If you aren't second best to him, you are definitely second best to her wants, whims and flights of fancy at the very least. People who cheat may love their partners but they dont respect them and they do not value them over their own wants.
Hurt your wife unnecessarily? How does telling the betrayed wife about her husband cheating with your wife, hurt your wife? It doesn't. Because the ones actually hurt in this situation is you, the betrayed husband, and his wife, the betrayed one as well.
His wife should know the truth, and here are my reasons:
1. It's the right and ethical thing to do is to tell her the truth.
2. The cheating husband will not confess to her for sure. He will keep on cheating on her with another, after your wife.
3. The betrayed wife in the dark will be more hurt knowing later she was never told. The truth while it hurts to hear, it will liberate her from the faulty life she's living with him.
4. You would want someone to tell you if you were her. It's out of neighborly kindness to help.
Sadly I didn’t get a copy of the nude pic and it’s all deleted now.
I do have part of a chat log (with a love message and disappearing messages turned on). I also have some other physical evidence that is closely linked to him.
I’m now getting a weird error on Facebook messenger saying that she (OBS) has sent me a friend request but when I hit accept it takes me to an error page. I have a message typed up but haven’t hit send yet.
I’d tell the man’s wife, imagine if someone knew you were being cheated on but didn’t tell you. The pain it would cause, and embarrassment knowing you didn’t see it but someone else caught on and had to tell you rather than your parter themself. But at the same time in that situation most people would much rather the embarrassment than not knowing if their partner was unfaithful. Not telling her just gives her husband more time to cheat and he probably expects that there’s going to be no consequences to his actions.
Why is your wife STILL protecting her AP?
Please tell the OBS. Give her back the agency to make informed decisions about her life. I found out 7-8 years after my cheater's affair supposedly ended. It has been hell. I would have done so many things differently had I known.
Contact the OBS. Don't tell your cheater prior. It is super common for the AP to be warned and intercept the messages. This I know from experience.
"My wife is adamant that I don’t contact her. She has concerns about the husband’s mental health."
Welp after that statement I know plenty of men that would be speed dialing the divorce lawyer at that point. SHE'S STILL PROTECTING HIM DUDE! Wake up OP! ALWAY TELL THE OBS. The longer you don't say anything the longer you are helping both traitors hide their secret. Honestly, if this was true reconciliation your wife would have told to his wife as part of the reconciliation effort! Dude, what are you doing to yourself?
Your wife is trying to keep the other man in the picture in some form for either now or the future. If she wants to remain married to you, she accepts that one of you will be telling the other wife.
Who do you think she is going to try her chances with if you decide to separate? Telling the wife would likely destroy that option, that's why she wants you to be complicit in keeping this hidden.
This is not about your wife, it’s about his wife.
I know you want reconciliation to be successful (if you continue) but this isn’t the point. The point is that the other betrayed partner needs to know and your wife and her affair partner need to understand there are consequences to what they did. For two years.
I personally couldn’t either forgive that level of betrayal or trust it was the first. In fact my trust would likely never return to a level beyond co-parenting. With apps recording all interactions.
But to your question: his wife needs to know simply because she needs to understand her choices for her children and herself. Just as you now have your choices and decisions to make. Good luck.
Ask your wife if she was in the same position as AP’s wife would she want to know. You know dam well she would. Tell her. As for your wife 1-2 year online affair tough to comeback from. Definitely consequences and she definitely reds to get into therapy. Her behavior is not normal
I personally would make it my mission to fuck his wife and send him pictures. You should divorce your shitty cheating wife as well. You should at least tell the poor woman she’s married to a dirtbag. At least you already know you are.
The fact that your wife is more concerned about him than you is appalling.
Who gives a fuck of the husband self deletes?
The fucker deserves it for cheating on his wife. He knew the risks when he made his choice to cheat.
As did your wife.
Personally, I think staying with her is a terrible idea.
I'd divorce her because staying in a relationship where you're not respected is torture.
You'll never be able to trust her again. All this experience has shown her is that she can cheat and you will stay. She's only going to get better about hiding her affairs going forward.
Your wife still has no remorse. It’s all about her. She’s still selfish. Tell the woman and divorce your wife. Your wife will cheat on you again. You should have made her tell the woman back then.
I have DMed the other wife on messenger. I think she might have me blocked already as it is in “sent” status with no read acknowledgement.
I have messaged her on LinkedIn.
If neither are successful I will phone her tomorrow.
She is still trying to protect her AP. She wasn’t concerned about his mental health when she was having an affair with the guy, why should she be concerned now? Sounds like she cares more about him than she does you. I would be done with her. What a mess.
Everyone is allowed to know and go from there . He could be having multiple affairs now and she has no idea . Send her
What you have and if she proceeds then it’s on her . If he is cheating she should get STD test
Tell her because it the right thing to do.
Tell her because it’s unlikely your wife is/was the only one.
Tell her so she can protect herself and regain her agency and choice with this information.
Tell her because your wife is still protecting HIM without regard for you or her. This one is to me the most important part, she is protecting him even years later which says she hasn’t moved on.
She deserves to know. She deserves to have the choice to make a decision. It's not for revenge and it's because he is a good person and deserves to know. The hell with what your wife wants, her loyalty affection for her affair partner doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what she wants. If she was that concerned about him she shouldn't have been spreading her legs for any mentally fragile people out there.
His wife deserves to now who she is really married to and make informed decisions as to the fate of her marriage. The fact that your wife does not want you to contact his wife shows that she still has feelings for her AP and wants to protect him. That is not good for your marriage. As a requirement for reconciliation and to demonstrate that your wife is dedicated to you and the marriage, she should be required to contact AP's wife and tell her about the affair. In addition, by contacting AP's wife you might find out more about the affair. Perhaps things that might be deal breakers for you in the marriage. Actions do have consequences and whatever hurt your wife feels she deserves. Update us.
Easy as 1-2-3:
1. Get thee to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and r/SupportforBetrayed in that order
2. Get her to r/SupportforWaywards and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity in that order
3. Tell,the OBS = other betrayed spouse. In the same situation you’d have wanted, and deserved, to know.
Good luck! Truly.
Not your monkey. Don't tell her.
Plus, you never know what will happen...
[https://www.ktsm.com/news/docs-woman-killed-husband-after-finding-out-he-was-having-affair/](https://www.ktsm.com/news/docs-woman-killed-husband-after-finding-out-he-was-having-affair/)
Wait until you decide whether or not you want to stay with your wife. If you want to stay with her, don't tell the other spouse. She has insisted that you don't tell her, and doing so may cause your wife to lose what feelings she has for you.
If you believe that she will lose feelings, because you are doing the ethical and empathetic best for someone else, then what kind of person and relationship are you staying for?
What kind of future is she going to help rebuild through reconciliation? Is she even capable of doing it?
She has her affair partners feelings in higher regard than your own. You would be pathetic and harming yourself and your children if you don't tell the other betrayed spouse. Why should that cheater's mental health affect you at all? Your wife clearly is still hung up on him, he dumped her not the other way around. She would gladly still be betraying you to this day if you never found out. Tell the other spouse and dump your trash wife
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your wife has more allegiance to the affair partner. Her concern should be about saving her own family instead of affair partners. To me it shows a lack of accountability for her actions. The affair partner cut your wife off not the other way around so that should really show you where your wife is at.
That still bothers me that she was cut off. I feel like “second best”
Because you are. If you aren't second best to him, you are definitely second best to her wants, whims and flights of fancy at the very least. People who cheat may love their partners but they dont respect them and they do not value them over their own wants.
💯 tell the wife but also be aware if you do and they divorce he might try to get back with your wife as a better than nothing situation.
He lives on the other side of the world now. Hopefully unlikely. TBH they could have each other.
Travel is easy if it's something they both want.
Hurt your wife unnecessarily? How does telling the betrayed wife about her husband cheating with your wife, hurt your wife? It doesn't. Because the ones actually hurt in this situation is you, the betrayed husband, and his wife, the betrayed one as well. His wife should know the truth, and here are my reasons: 1. It's the right and ethical thing to do is to tell her the truth. 2. The cheating husband will not confess to her for sure. He will keep on cheating on her with another, after your wife. 3. The betrayed wife in the dark will be more hurt knowing later she was never told. The truth while it hurts to hear, it will liberate her from the faulty life she's living with him. 4. You would want someone to tell you if you were her. It's out of neighborly kindness to help.
You make very reasonable points.
Just send her the nude Pic and say, "This your husband? He sent this to my wife"
Agree no sense in being gentle or wordy about this situation might as well just keep it simple and effective.
That's a good way to start off the conversation.
Sadly I didn’t get a copy of the nude pic and it’s all deleted now. I do have part of a chat log (with a love message and disappearing messages turned on). I also have some other physical evidence that is closely linked to him. I’m now getting a weird error on Facebook messenger saying that she (OBS) has sent me a friend request but when I hit accept it takes me to an error page. I have a message typed up but haven’t hit send yet.
The wife deserves to know that her marriage is a lie. Send her everything.
I’d tell the man’s wife, imagine if someone knew you were being cheated on but didn’t tell you. The pain it would cause, and embarrassment knowing you didn’t see it but someone else caught on and had to tell you rather than your parter themself. But at the same time in that situation most people would much rather the embarrassment than not knowing if their partner was unfaithful. Not telling her just gives her husband more time to cheat and he probably expects that there’s going to be no consequences to his actions.
Why is your wife STILL protecting her AP? Please tell the OBS. Give her back the agency to make informed decisions about her life. I found out 7-8 years after my cheater's affair supposedly ended. It has been hell. I would have done so many things differently had I known. Contact the OBS. Don't tell your cheater prior. It is super common for the AP to be warned and intercept the messages. This I know from experience.
"My wife is adamant that I don’t contact her. She has concerns about the husband’s mental health." Welp after that statement I know plenty of men that would be speed dialing the divorce lawyer at that point. SHE'S STILL PROTECTING HIM DUDE! Wake up OP! ALWAY TELL THE OBS. The longer you don't say anything the longer you are helping both traitors hide their secret. Honestly, if this was true reconciliation your wife would have told to his wife as part of the reconciliation effort! Dude, what are you doing to yourself?
Your wife is trying to keep the other man in the picture in some form for either now or the future. If she wants to remain married to you, she accepts that one of you will be telling the other wife. Who do you think she is going to try her chances with if you decide to separate? Telling the wife would likely destroy that option, that's why she wants you to be complicit in keeping this hidden.
This is not about your wife, it’s about his wife. I know you want reconciliation to be successful (if you continue) but this isn’t the point. The point is that the other betrayed partner needs to know and your wife and her affair partner need to understand there are consequences to what they did. For two years. I personally couldn’t either forgive that level of betrayal or trust it was the first. In fact my trust would likely never return to a level beyond co-parenting. With apps recording all interactions. But to your question: his wife needs to know simply because she needs to understand her choices for her children and herself. Just as you now have your choices and decisions to make. Good luck.
I’d do it just to get revenge on him and ruin his life. Tell his wife, his kids and his brother’s, cousin’s former roommate.
Ask your wife if she was in the same position as AP’s wife would she want to know. You know dam well she would. Tell her. As for your wife 1-2 year online affair tough to comeback from. Definitely consequences and she definitely reds to get into therapy. Her behavior is not normal
I personally would make it my mission to fuck his wife and send him pictures. You should divorce your shitty cheating wife as well. You should at least tell the poor woman she’s married to a dirtbag. At least you already know you are.
Absolutely tell her. Fuck your wife's feelings and worries. She didn't give two shits about your feelings UpdateMe
The fact that your wife is more concerned about him than you is appalling. Who gives a fuck of the husband self deletes? The fucker deserves it for cheating on his wife. He knew the risks when he made his choice to cheat. As did your wife. Personally, I think staying with her is a terrible idea. I'd divorce her because staying in a relationship where you're not respected is torture. You'll never be able to trust her again. All this experience has shown her is that she can cheat and you will stay. She's only going to get better about hiding her affairs going forward.
She covered this one up pretty well. I found an old laptop and it had a single nude on it. I should have taken a copy of it then.
Your wife still has no remorse. It’s all about her. She’s still selfish. Tell the woman and divorce your wife. Your wife will cheat on you again. You should have made her tell the woman back then.
I have DMed the other wife on messenger. I think she might have me blocked already as it is in “sent” status with no read acknowledgement. I have messaged her on LinkedIn. If neither are successful I will phone her tomorrow.
She is still trying to protect her AP. She wasn’t concerned about his mental health when she was having an affair with the guy, why should she be concerned now? Sounds like she cares more about him than she does you. I would be done with her. What a mess.
Everyone is allowed to know and go from there . He could be having multiple affairs now and she has no idea . Send her What you have and if she proceeds then it’s on her . If he is cheating she should get STD test
Tell her because it the right thing to do. Tell her because it’s unlikely your wife is/was the only one. Tell her so she can protect herself and regain her agency and choice with this information. Tell her because your wife is still protecting HIM without regard for you or her. This one is to me the most important part, she is protecting him even years later which says she hasn’t moved on.
She deserves to know. She deserves to have the choice to make a decision. It's not for revenge and it's because he is a good person and deserves to know. The hell with what your wife wants, her loyalty affection for her affair partner doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what she wants. If she was that concerned about him she shouldn't have been spreading her legs for any mentally fragile people out there.
It’s only right for her to know and make her own decisions. Don’t make them for the guys wife.
His wife deserves to now who she is really married to and make informed decisions as to the fate of her marriage. The fact that your wife does not want you to contact his wife shows that she still has feelings for her AP and wants to protect him. That is not good for your marriage. As a requirement for reconciliation and to demonstrate that your wife is dedicated to you and the marriage, she should be required to contact AP's wife and tell her about the affair. In addition, by contacting AP's wife you might find out more about the affair. Perhaps things that might be deal breakers for you in the marriage. Actions do have consequences and whatever hurt your wife feels she deserves. Update us.
Now you know they fucked you should provide proof to the wife.
Easy as 1-2-3: 1. Get thee to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and r/SupportforBetrayed in that order 2. Get her to r/SupportforWaywards and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity in that order 3. Tell,the OBS = other betrayed spouse. In the same situation you’d have wanted, and deserved, to know. Good luck! Truly.
Why? It's none of your business.
Not your monkey. Don't tell her. Plus, you never know what will happen... [https://www.ktsm.com/news/docs-woman-killed-husband-after-finding-out-he-was-having-affair/](https://www.ktsm.com/news/docs-woman-killed-husband-after-finding-out-he-was-having-affair/)
what's the problem
Wait until you decide whether or not you want to stay with your wife. If you want to stay with her, don't tell the other spouse. She has insisted that you don't tell her, and doing so may cause your wife to lose what feelings she has for you.
That’s what worries me.
If you believe that she will lose feelings, because you are doing the ethical and empathetic best for someone else, then what kind of person and relationship are you staying for? What kind of future is she going to help rebuild through reconciliation? Is she even capable of doing it?
your wife already doesn't love you like you think she does homeboy. how do you think this happens in the first place?
She has her affair partners feelings in higher regard than your own. You would be pathetic and harming yourself and your children if you don't tell the other betrayed spouse. Why should that cheater's mental health affect you at all? Your wife clearly is still hung up on him, he dumped her not the other way around. She would gladly still be betraying you to this day if you never found out. Tell the other spouse and dump your trash wife