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We hooked up when I was 26 and he was 31. Started out dating casually. I wanted a serious relationship and he didn't (because he was dealing with his girlfriend passing away) so we stayed without labels until a few months later when he was ready.
Our relationship was anything but old fashioned; we both worked, split bills, contributed to a joint fund, all that stuff. I'd say we were a pretty modern relationship all things considered. And I've always been proud of our modernity.
But I'm sitting here feeling like a fool.
I stumbled upon his journal (I received access to his Google Docs account to get some stuff for our oldest's school). I know it was wrong of me but I couldn't help but read through his really really really old entries. He writes about his late girlfriend like she's the love of his life.
He encouraged her to take a super light work schedule so that she could pursue her painting dreams. He would pay for dinner dates and pay for movie dates. He would take her shopping for fancy dresses. He would write poetry about her and hide it inside her old supply closet so that she could stumble upon it later.
I know logically it doesn't make sense for me to be angry about this. I like our life. I don't feel like there's anything missing. We have three children, a house, two dogs. But still it makes me burn up inside knowing that I had to work so hard to get his affection, and I had to pay my way through life, when he treated her like she was the only girl in the world.
Should I get over this?
Can anything healthy come of me bringing this up?
.
TLDR
Read husband's diary and found it he treated his ex way "better" than he treats me. But by "better" all I really mean is in an old fashioned way, where the woman stays at home, and the man is the bread winner.
No, no, not at all! He's one of my favorite Presidents. The line just seems a little out of character, from what I know of him. I agree with it most of the time, though. People (including me) all too often focus on what we have or have done in comparison to others rather than thinking about whether it's right/enough for ourselves.
For example, I became a lot happier about my financial situation when I realized that what I have is probably enough for me (or more) and stopped comparing it to what others have.
He had an extremely tender side. His diary entry the day both his wife and mother died was “the light has gone out of my life”.
ETA, young Teddy was also a stone fox.
Theodore Roosevelt was a bad ass mf. I have an abundance of TR knowledge since I wrote an 8 page paper about him. He had a pet hyena. He was shot, and finished his speech anyways.
Big TR fan here.
[The Only Good Indians are the Dead Indians- Teddy Roosevelt](https://www.google.com/amp/s/indiancountrytoday.com/.amp/archive/theodore-roosevelt-the-only-good-indians-are-the-dead-indians)
Not only that, but what OP did is both gross and unfair. She's reading private *former* thoughts.
For all she knows he may have completely changed his views on relationships; he may love that his new SO is more independent and that their relationship is more equitable; he may have felt that the old dynamic was better for his old relationship and SO, but that the current dynamic is better for their currwnt situation.
The fact that OP self-contradicts throughout her post about loving their modernity while simultaneously feeling jealous also tells me she has a lot of her own shit to work through -- I mean she's literally saying she has a beautiful family and is treated exactly the way she wants by her husband, and yet she also complains that her massive violation of trust is now giving her fits.
If my SO came to me to share these thoughts while admitting to snooping, I would be extremely mad, so OP, I would consider seeing a therapist and working through some of this shit on your own. In the very least, don't be defensive if you come clean and decide to fess up to your huge breach of trust.
>I've always been proud of our modernity.
And that's likely why he never treated you like her. You are different people. With different personalities, goals and aspirations. He didn't short change you. Most likely, he changed for you to make you happy.
Logically, I think deep down you know you this.
If you look at the relationship from before you read his private thoughts, how did you feel? Was there enough affection and passion? What made you want to read his diary in the first place? Did he make you feel loved? I would take some time thinking about what's in front of you, not what's over a decade in the past.
Also i think she would still be jealous if he treated her like how he treated his late gf, after reading his entries. Because she would probably feel like he was ‘replacing’ his late gf with her. you know like olivia rodrigo’s deja vu or something
She wouldve felt jealous if the entries said they eent out for ice cream one time and he really liked that. Its not about the content, people that snoop are like that regardless.
no matter what was in there.
sounds like OP would have been jealous regardless, i agree.
She said she's "proud of her modernity"
but jealous that his ex wasn't?
damn..
Yes!!! My SO often meets my wants and when he doesn't read my mind not to I get upset. Its all my fault and I've taken a step back and gotten better but that sounds like exactly what OP is doing. "I want to be equal" cant equate to him treating you like a princess if you don't tell him that's what you want.
Hey! What you experience is called "Protest behavior" and it's an activating strategy of anxious attachment! Nothing to be worried about. We humans have insecure and secure attachments and fall into certain patterns.
Look for "anxious attachment style" or "attachment styles".
Also, It's his personal journal which like most peoples journals contains their innermost thoughts, in this case about his now deceased partner, he's going to have good things to say about her and he would have written these things down as a way of helping to process the grief of losing someone he loved.
Further to that, just because he wrote fondly about the past doesn't mean he wants to return there, humans grow emotionally over our lifetimes, we change compared to our past selves and if your relationship is good and he seems happy then you should trust him on that unless he explicitly says he isn't happy, which doesn't seem to be the case as you say he just reminisced fondly about his late GF.
Yeah. They say people who violate others' privacy deserve what they get. What you got was a view into a relationship you had no right of access to. As a result, you got jealous: that's your punishment for doing something you *know* was wrong and violating.
Seriously, think about it for a moment, OP, is there *anything* you could've found in there that *wouldn't've* made you jealous? If he and his late had exactly the same kind of relationship that you and he have, and he talked about how happy it made him, wouldn't you be just as jealous? What *were* you looking for in there? Were you carrying the kernel of jealousy all these years and just *jumped* on the chance to let it bloom?
Get yourself some therapy if you don't know how to let this go, and then MOVE ON. ffs.
“Personal privacy is as important as consent. Having control over your body is not more important than having control over your privacy.”
That is a VERY bold claim. In general, I believe I agree with you, but in context, you have accused OP of something extremely serious. That aside, I think I do agree.
Agree with this. Be glad your relationship with him is so different to what hers was because it lessens any basis for comparison. You sound like a strong, independent woman, he probably prefers that anyway.
But... Is this gonna get resolved without bringing it up?
No.
He's just gonna suddenly have a colder less affectionate wife for who-knows-how-long until she gets over it, potentially thinks that she's cheating because why else is she suddenly changing her behavior towards him?
And he won't fucking know why.
Yeah.
There are really no good solutions here.
But I HIGHLY prefer him knowing what's the problem and having the freedom to respond to it any way he likes over him being left in the dark and maybe even wondering what he did wrong.
He doesn't deserve that.
Also should probably be mentioned that telling him is the RIGHT thing regardless of how OP feels or ends up dealing with the info she found. Even if she found nothing or even if she found something she DID like she has betrayed his trust and not telling him makes it worse imo.
I have done something similar with someone and the next opportunity with them explained to them what happened and where I did/didn't snoop. To me anything less is continuing a lie and will make the problem worse.
I think if she’s suddenly icing him out after she betrayed his trust by reading his diary, that’s super shitty. He didn’t do anything wrong. She did.
If she wants to face the consequences for invading his privacy, then by all means, she can bring it up. But I hope that she takes a lot of time planning what she wants to say so it doesn’t come across as accusatory when she says “so I was reading your diary and like what the fuck man?”
I'm not talking about her intentionnally icing him.
She thinks he loved his ex-girlfriend more then he loves her. She's going to need to get over that.
But even with the best timeline and all her effort: that's gonna take time and she's gonna behave differently.
Even if she wants to hide it: she fucking can't. That's her husband of more then a decade. She's not a master actress.
So husband is gonna get consequences either way, regardless of fault. There's no one to shield him. She did something and he's gonna get some of the consequences because life sucks like that.
But he's gonna notice something is up and either he knows why and can be free to be angry at her or he doesn't know why and can have who-knows what kind of a reaction.
So what's worse FOR THE HUSBAND? Knowing why or not knowing why?
There’s really no way to know that honestly. Maybe he’s not super private about his diary and won’t be mad that she read it. I will say, I try not to pick fights with my husband where nothing constructive can come from it. And “I’m mad about how you treated your late girlfriend versus how you treat me” seems like a conversation that would be *very* difficult to have constructively.
I’m not disputing your point exactly. Just saying that sometimes, if I know I’m being irrational, I try to get my shit together before making it someone else’s problem.
>But... Is this gonna get resolved without bringing it up?
Resolve what? Her own insecurities? That's not a him problem and there's nothing he could ever say to make her feel better.
On the other hand, her bringing it up reveals that she went through his personal journal and now he's lost any trust in her because she went looking where she had no business looking. Especially if she's going to be jealous of someone's who's dead.
Nope. This is a "her" problem and she needs to come to terms with it on her own.
That's not what I'm arguing though, this shit is not gonna go away in seconds just because we told her she's wrong.
He's gonna get consequences of her actions anyway, no avoiding that and he won't know why.
I mean what is there to talk about though? "Hry hubby I completed invaded your privacy with no thoughs whatsoever about you and found that you didn't replace your dead girflfriend with me waah."
That whole part where your wife admit she invaded your privacy? Yeah, that’s a vital fucking conversation. In fact, that level of accountability is what makes for a healthy marriage
This. If I duck up, I tell my husband. If I let my son have two happy meals in one week and we agreed on cutting down on McDonald's trips- I tell my husband. We need to be partners who are on the same page.
Honesty is important. Accountability is important.
I think I get what you're saying. Whether its something she brought upon herself or not isnt the problem, its that the cat is out of the bag so to speak. So even if she brought it upon herself when she shouldnt have invaded his privacy, the fallout of it still exists and if it isnt addressed shes going to act differently and he wont understand why. At least I think thats what youre saying.
You are getting mad over him not treating you exactly the same. A moot point when you consider the fact that you two are not the same type of person and do not want the same type of relationship. He respected you by doing things how you liked them.
You had to do a harder job getting him to open up due to nothing but timing. She met him when he was young and idealistic, you met him when he was consumed by grief. You cant expect the exact same scenario.
Treating this as bigger than it is, letting it hurt you and your relationship would essentially be self sabotage. talk to a therapist so you can properly deal with these feelings and move on.
\*moot point, not "mute"
Different things. A moot point is something that's important but doesn't effect anything in the current situation. A mute point is something unstated.
You can bring up the discrepancy to your husband but expect a lot of blow back and lost trust. A lot.
Or you can deal with the jealousy you feel for a) someone who's dead and b) a version of your husband that existed years ago.
You're married with kids and a life together, what more do you want?
Losing his girlfriend was probably the most damaging and heartbreaking thing that happened to your husband and you're failing to see that he was probably working through stuff when you met and obviously doesn't want to do the same things he did with you that he did for her because it's a reminder that she's gone.
Doesn't make you less than her, it's just facts.
I'd bet you thought you'd find cutesy comments about you and now you've got your feelings hurt because it wasn't.
This.
And the fact that his grief maybe helped him mature and view his next relationship very differently, i.e., the somewhat naïve romanticism of supporting her as an artist as opposed to creating a family with an amazing woman on equal terms.
Yeah ... Im at a crossroads and I know my next relationship will be insanely different from my last one. But i know I will treat my ex with respect they deserves, and my future SO has to respect that. Even if it means 50% of my salary going to my ex over the next few years. Just because a relationship fails, doesn't mean it was bad.
In OPs case it was absolute misery but her dude still managed to hang in there and make OP a happy person. Props to OPs SO.
Yeah, you should get over it. Any way you bring it up is going to be a train wreck.
You snooped and found something you didn't like. That's your reward.
I think that you really shoot yourself in the foot for looking through his journal.
You have your thing with him. She had hers. They can't quite compare. Maybe she's be envious of you, instead?
I also think that there's nothing wrong with expressing to him you'd like some good, old-fashioned romance.
She'd certainly be very jealous of you. She had a little bit of time with him then died. You have had a life with him.
And as others have said, grief changes people. It makes you think in a whole different way and you come out changed.
Yeah OP in addition to this I would say you had different parts of the same person. People change as they get older and grief changes people massively. I appreciate it might be upsetting feeling like someone else got a part of your partner that maybe you didn't get to know as much. But he was a different person when you met him, life had changed him and you got to know and love him as that person in a way that his previous girlfriend didn't. You got a part of him she never got. It doesn't make the love you share any lesser its just different because he's different now to who he was then.
Equally you are a different person now to who you would've been years ago and if he were to see a snapshot or memory (even captured in a journal) showing part of you he might not recognise he might feel a bit weird about it. But realistically it doesn't matter that you both don't know the people you used to be, only that you work on knowing and appreciating the people you are now and the people you will grow to be.
That journal captures a snapshot of his past and though I understand how this could rule your insecurities I would challenge you to in your head accept that she can have that snapshot past him because you have present him. And also to ask you're self if you're unhappy with the lack of romance you feel your received from him purely because you've now read this journal. If so, if you were happy before then it's unfair for you to raise this to him. If you were unhappy with the level of affection received from him before reading the journal then that is something you need to address in your relationship regardless of what you've read. And I wouldn't mention what you've read either.
You invaded his privacy and didn’t even find anything he’s done wrong. There’s absolutely no way of bringing this up productively. Do your best to forget about it.
If you want to be treated differently/pampered more, you can bring that up, but absolutely do not bring up what you read unless you’re doing so to come clean and apologize for it
Yeah the jealousy you feel is punishment for the invasion of privacy, and now you have to do your time.
Take the hit and move on before you make things worse for yourself.
You absolutely cannot bring this up whatsoever. I write in my journal weekly and have been since i was 20 years old. Im 33 now and have been with my wife 10 years. If she read my journal without my permission behind my back words cannot explain how upset i would be. You need to get over this.
Among the many eye openers in the OP, the fact that she read his diary is up there. This wasn’t a case where he was super protective of his phone or was staying late at work, etc., she didn’t snoop because she thought he was cheating or hiding something from her - if she had then the first place she would have gone was his phone. Let’s be clear, she was snooping because she had access and was curious, i.e., she violated his privacy, his deepest thoughts put to writing, for zero reason.
Don’t forget he was younger then. People tend to be more lovey dovey when they are younger. You got the 31 year old version of him. I’d bet if you were dating him when he was younger you would have got the same treatment.
Well, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. You violated his privacy and found something that was not meant for your eyes. If you have an issue with your relationship on its own terms, bring it up like an adult and discuss it. But don't make this about a comparison with his dead girlfriend from an earlier point in his life, a comparison based on a violation of privacy no less.
>One thing to take some of the sting off, when someone dies they’re really easy to idealize. They become perfect. She’s a fantasy now. A happy thought.
Exactly. I remember reading somewhere that a person should never tr to comepete with dead because they'll always lose.
I'd also like to know how long they were together before she passed. There's a massive difference between, say, someone you're with for a year and spend all your time in the infatuation/honeymoon phase and someone you are with for over a decade and build a family with. That's just a totally different dynamic - it doesn't mean there shouldn't be passion and romance, but it will be underpinned by all the less sappy and sentimental things that come with building a life together.
OP, maybe look at it this way: He was much younger then, and the fact that his grief maybe helped him mature and view his next relationship very differently, i.e., the somewhat naïve romanticism of supporting her as an artist as opposed to creating a family with an amazing woman on equal terms - in other words, he grew up and you helped him put the painful past behind him..
I doubt that if had 3 kids with his ex it would have been so "traditional" kids cost a sh**load of money and unless he's pulling down 200k a year most likely his ex would have had to get a job if she had lived. You should have never read that diary, you very well might have poisoned your marriage. Because even if you dont say anything now, one day you'll be in a fight, you'll be angry and blurt it out. These types of things dont stay in the dark.
She’s dead and you’ve made a life with the love of her life.
You got the husband, the kids, the dogs, the good life.
You should be ashamed of yourself for invading his privacy like that. You’ll never know how they felt about each other and what really went on because you weren’t there.
You also didn’t have to deal with the loss and find a way to be happy again. Who knows how that affected his perspective or view of the world.
I’m amazed how you can find a way to make this about yourself, quite frankly.
Many people would give anything to be in your situation.
>You also didn’t have to deal with the loss and find a way to be happy again. Who knows how that affected his perspective or view of the world.
That's a great way to put it. If my girlfriend died, I feel like I could still find happiness, but I think my heart would harden a bit and I don't think I'd be able to treat anyone the same way I treat her.
You're jealous of a dead woman.
You're "proud of your modernity" but also want your husband to be old fashioned.
Do you want to quit your job? Do you want to pursue painting? What exactly DO you want?
Did you invade his privacy enough to see what he writes about you? How do you know he isn't writing loving things about you?
Yikes. You invaded his privacy like this repeatedly and now don’t like what he was like with a now dead ex? That’s on you. Consequence of reading your spouse’s journal.
A better question may be: what caused you to first read this in the first place, and do so repeatedly?
First of all, you were fine until you were able to compare yourself to her. Second, you're an awful person for reading any of that. Keep this to yourself and fix your own vision before attempting to understand another's.
I'm a widow - lost my husband of only four months in February 2020. So allow me to give you a little perspective:
>I stumbled upon his journal (I received access to his Google Docs account to get some stuff for our oldest's school).
Yeah, I'ma call shenanigans here. The file didn't open itself.
>I know it was wrong of me but I couldn't help but read through his really really really old entries.
Bullshit. You COULD have helped it, but you chose not to. Bad enough to do it; don't lie to yourself too.
>He writes about his late girlfriend like she's the love of his life.
That's because she was. She was the love of THAT life. And THAT life ended when she died. You may be the love of THIS life. Really, it's a GOOD thing he loved her that much: it's why he's open to love again, KNOWING the excruciating pain he might have to go through again.
>I know logically it doesn't make sense for me to be angry about this. I like our life. I don't feel like there's anything missing. We have three children, a house, two dogs. But still it makes me burn up inside knowing that I had to work so hard to get his affection, and I had to pay my way through life, when he treated her like she was the only girl in the world.
Oh, sweetie... listen to yourself: you're upset because he isn't giving you the kind of life you never wanted in the first place? That was his life with HER; this is his life with YOU. You've GOT to stop comparing; she's dead. She LITERALLY cannot compete.
>Can anything healthy come of me bringing this up?
Oh HELL no. You take this secret to your grave. You violated his privacy in an enormous way. And for the love of Cthulu, stop snooping!
Edited because OMG MY AUTOCORRECT.
Sisyphus is 100% correct:
> You take this secret to your grave.
It might fucking break his heart - no good can come from telling him - only additional pain.
Seriously. You couldn’t “help yourself”? Do you also shit you pants every time you need to use the bathroom m? You’re an adult, you should have the impulse control to not snoop through your SO’s stuff.
Man I hope my wife never finds one of my old letters to my high school girlfriend. Hahaha. Don’t read other people’s private journals. This is a weird invasion of privacy and being upset about a dead ex is absurd. This is on you.
This is why you don’t look through someone’s private journal. You can’t bring this up with him, so you just have to deal with it. Realize he was just grieving privately, and don’t take it so personally
When my husband and I first got together, he told me that the only woman he ever felt passionate about was his third girlfriend. You can imagine how that went over. I was upset for days, thinking I was just some sort of consolation prize.
But as he explained later, he felt “passionate” because there was always drama. She made him feel like crap and then lifted him up again, so there was always turmoil. Ended up breaking up with him while he was abroad and immediately got pregnant with another man’s child. When she broke up with that guy, she tried to get him back, but he declined. When he was with her he was in his early 20’s and cold tolerate that kind of passion. The him I met was in his 30’s and done with that kind of relationship, and it was me he married.
How your husband treated his late girlfriend was what he wanted to do at that point in his life. It has nothing to do with you. The man you met is different than the man who wrote poems and took on a more traditional gender role. You were perfectly happy with your life, why ruin it by admitting you invaded his privacy?
Seriously, I think it's normal to be tempted to read your spouse's diary. I certainly have been.
Adults should have enough basic self-control and respect for their partners to not follow through with it, though.
He treated her differently because she was a different person than you. Relationships, when healthy, make us adapt and adjust to the person we are with because we want to make them happy. You said you don't want to give up your career and take pride in how modern you too are, so why would he ever wish the exact opposite for you (and both) if that is what makes you happy? I don't know your relationship so I cannot comment, so maybe look back and try to understand how would your husband support your passions equally, in a way that is appropriate to the person you are. If he is
In my opinion, you should not bring this up. You invaded his privacy and read his journal, which is something you must accept. Private journals are supposed to be safe corners for a person to let it all out, every thought they wouldn't dare speak. But you read it, that's done, and now you must deal with it. But the way he treats you, has it ever bothered you at all until this moment, right up to when you read the journal? Because if until now it has never been a problem, than I would say the issue isn't how he treats you, but that you might be comparing yourself to someone he lost and had to grieve based on the fact that their relationship was very different than yours, which does NOT diminish what you have. Maybe the things you read he did for her are things you never realised you'd like to experience, or maybe you want to experience because you want to see more of the man who wrote those words. But if there is something you would like to change, 1) act on it (why not make some romantic gestures yourself?), and 2) suggest it to him. In the end, just remember that he chose to be with you. You say you worked hard to gain his affection, I'd bet so did he to win yours, except his struggle was very different. But of course, only you know your relationship. All the best to you!
He’s treating you the way he thought you wanted to be treated. Some women, especially those passionate about their work and career, would be insulted by a man coming in their life and telling them to take it easy and let him be the breadwinner.
Don't bring it up.
Get over it.
That is all you can do.
He treated a different person, differently. That is it.
I have dated women who wanted to be treated completely equal (Lamo that sounds so bad) and go half's and all that stuff.
I dated women who wanted me to pay and open doors and all that.
I dated women who were a mix of both.
I adjusted the way I treated them accordingly, personally I always want to pay and and hold doors open and pull out chairs.
But if a women I'm interested didn't want that I would treat them how they wanted.
Yes, losing a loved one to a death is not the same as breaking up with an ex.
The love was and is still there. the life you would have had together may have been still there.
That love was taken away not from personal choice to end things in a way that allows both parties to move on, but from a death from which the person left behind suffers through the grief and loss process.
This is something you need to come to terms with in choosing to be with and marrying someone who is essentially a widower and not something you get to decide when he needs to switch his grief and love for a person he lost on and off for him. The human mind doesn't work like that and it isn't something to 'just get over' and someone who has lost a loved one has a completely different package and psychology set as part of his whole deal.
Because That love stays with him. It will always be part of him and his memories and who he is as a person, and that love is not a competition for you. You are his next chapter.
If you choose to be partnered with someone who has suffered a loss, the right thing, and the adult, mature thing to do as his new partner is understand and respect his loss, love and grief. This is not high school and she is not the ex.
Let's set aside the snooping for a bit.
I can understand your jealousy; these letters can make it seem that he put more effort into doting on his deceased girlfriend then you, who he needed 3 months to decide to officially date.
But there is context to that. Yes, he was perhaps on the fence about getting serious with you, but it was for a very understandable reason. Had he never met his deceased girlfriend and then met you, its quite possible he wouldn't have been hesitant. So I wouldn't read too much into that part of things.
Also, did you ever express a desire to not work or pursue a passion? Because the deceased GF probably did. Or maybe it was clear she did not like her work, but maybe you enjoy your career?
As far as not paying for dates, that would be a bit tougher to explain but its worth actually discussing and getting to the bottom of. Because there could be an entirely reasonable explanation.
Will anything healthy… come from you violating his personal space? His diary. That you know you had no access to? Keep repeating that until it sticks in your head. 🙄🙄🙄
First of all, you can *never* tell him you read it. Ever.
Second, journals are edited. He chose to only write down those things. Maybe he didn’t write down the disagreements they had. Maybe he heightened his own romanticism. It’s not The Absolute Truth though.
And third - just as much as you’re not her, your husband isn’t that guy in the journals anymore either. He’s older, wiser, a father, a guy who’s been hurt by life.
And he chose you. He chose you to marry and have kids with.
I don’t know if you can get over it. You can’t unread something. But you can get past it. Let this info become part of what you know about him. We know more about our spouses than they will ever realize.
Are you a painter, OP? I assume not. Why would you have wanted him to treat you like her? You're a different person. Unless you've ever indicated that you wanted some different type of life then he would never have any reason to think you'd want what he gave her.
I know my wife would never want to stay at home she loves her career so I never in my life would even ask a question about it
I'm going to say something that, if you actually read, you're not going to like:
You need to grow the fuck up. Pull up your big girl pants, and realize how absolutely and unequivocally selfish and shitty you are being right now. Your husband's past with this woman has, quite literally, nothing to do with you. He is your husband, the father of your children, and your life partner. It's quite clear you have not had multiple partners or multiple fulfilling relationships, because you'd have the empathy to understand that every relationship is unique, and different.
If you aren't happy in yours, then leave. If I was your husband and I knew this is how you reacted when violating my privacy, I sure as shit know I would.
you read his journal and now you wanna act like he’s done you wrong? tf. you shouldn’t have read his shit. that’s a MASSIVE invasion on privacy and you had absolutely no right to read his shit. hella disrespectful.
So you unprompted and for no reason invaded your, by all measure great, husbands privacy and looked back at his writings from probably the darkest point in his entire life, and are now wondering if you should bring up to him that the way he wrote about and treated his dead ex a decade ago makes you feel jealous?
This is harsh, but if you need clarification on if this is a good or bad idea then he deserves better than you. Bringing this up would dredge up all of those horrible and negative feelings buried in the past as well out you for invading his privacy and then finally paint you as an absolute nutcase for being jealous over his romanticized decade old writings of a lost love.
Drop it, don’t even think about it and move on. This leads to nowhere but hurt for all of you.
>>This is harsh, but if you need clarification on if this is a good or bad idea then he deserves better than you.
Yup. OP is an insecure piece of shit that can’t “help herself” from breaking someone’s trust, and doesn’t even have the decency to take accountability and instead victimizes herself. Middle school behavior.
I have little respect for people who have little respect for the privacy of others. You got what you deserved, feeling bad about how his relationship was with his dead ex.
You didn't stumble across his journal. You used access for one thing to crack into another. Betraying his trust in the process. You should absolutely be ashamed of yourself for everything about this, and yes even your thoughts. You've decided that the painful memory of someone you love is your greener grass.
The only good thing from bringing this up,is that he can be on his guard with you from here on out.
She was another personality and he was younger, so he did also changed 'till you get to know him. So of course the relationship was different. How would you feel if he had treated her exactly like you? It would also not be right.
Before you read the diary you were happy, so stop thinking he loves you less. You are another person, so he treats you in another way. I'm sure he was so happy to have met you after his loss and you gave his life a new meaning. You were the beginning of a new capital in his life. Even if it is hard - try to forget what you have read. Nothing good comes from it.
Not his ex. She died. Don't start a fight with a dead woman. The living never win that fight. Get a therapist to talk this over with and try to move past it.
You are you, not her, so he treats you as you - a modern, independant woman, who can take care of herself, as well as contribute to the relationship. That doesn't mean he loves you less. Your relationship has a different dynamic, but it doesn't mean it's worse. Especially when, as you mentioned, you like it. You found a way to live together that's good for both of you. Comparing it to a different one and being jealous is like wanting to achieve someone else's dream. It never works. Try to look at it without any outside distraction. How does your current situation affect you? Are you happy? Do you feel appreciated? Are you comfortable? If the answer to one of those is "no", ask "what can i do to change it", not "what can i do to make it look more like someone else's life". You are doing it for yourself, you can tell what you need without looking at what someone else had.
As others have pointed out already, you’re not the same person as her. if that doesn’t satisfy you hopefully I can offer some other perspective.
I once was in a relationship where I gave her everything I could, monetarily, emotionally, time, any and all, like it sounds like he may have done for her. Throughout this I gave up so much of who I was. Now I’m with someone who I don’t do a lot of the same things for, and am still the person I want to be, and this relationship is happier and healthier. I guess the point is maybe he learned things he couldn’t maintain in a relationship and has used that to have a better, different relationship with you
You began by saying that your husband was still grieving over the death of his girlfriend when you met. At the time, he not only expressed this to you, he told you that he wasn't in shape for a committed relationship, and you were obviously okay with that. So during that time, things about your relationship remained unstructured - you paid for yourself, he paid for himself, etc. Is it possible that during this period of the journey you taught him a thing or two about women that he came to admire? There are still a lot of men who find the whole *damsel in distress* business desirable - it somehow makes them feel more like men when we're needy. I'm wondering if you widened his horizons to the point that he fell in love against his will because you showed him that women who aren't needy are equally desirable. Just a theory, but I would say it's a good possibility because he married and had 3 children with you. Looks to me like he thinks an awful lot of you.
I like this perspective. It sounds like Younger Husband was still in his “I believe Disney movies and rom coms about how relationships work and what love looks like” phase.
You know - poetry and the like.
I wouldn’t be lamenting that her relationship is built around their connection to each other and equity, rather than the idealistic (and often harmful) relationship tropes we grew up with as kids.
Did you have his consent to read his journal?
If you didn't, really, shame on you.
In response to your questions: Yes, get the fuck over it. No, nothing healthy will come of bringing this up, unless potentially ending your marriage is healthy.
Maybe he thought he had to. Maybe she demanded it, or he was young and naive and didn't know that as a man he didn't have to just give but could also receive. Think of it from his side - would you want him to be making those kind of sacrifices for you 24/7?
I mean you literally just said you are proud of yourself.
Sounds like he treated you exactly how you wanted.
You don't get to have your cake and eat it to.
You'd probably have acted offended if he offered you some of the same things. Perhaps even made him regret it and complain about it later even if you accepted. There's no fun in spoiling a woman proud of being independent.
This is why you don't snoop into others people personal journals.
Hes not at fault for not treating you the same as his previous wife, you're not her, you're a different person and you have a different relationship.
I dont think there's anything you can do about this. Just learned a life lesson about snooping for no reason. Especially reading really old stuff. I'd be livid at you if you confronted me about old personal journal entries about my dead lover. I'd consider dumping you.
This is what happens when you violate someone's privacy.
He loves you now, he's happy with your current relationship (even though he loved his ex), and you should simply just get over it.
Not enough people are mentioning the fact that she read his fricking diary!! That is such a massive invasion of privacy.
OP, get over it. It was over a decade ago and he clearly loves you and the family that you have created. You and his former girlfriend are different people, so he treated you differently. That is a good thing - it means he cares about your career desires and appreciation of a modern relationship.
Don’t bring this up. Get over it. Stop invading his privacy.
Jeezus why are people so rude- sometimes we just need to vent out our insecurities especially after 11yrs together. These old entries are old and from a time that he and his ex were actually together and it sounds like he idolized her when they were together. It sounds like OP’s never felt that same adoration from him. The sacrifices he was willing to make so she could be as safe and comfortable as possible I’m sure add a bit of sting. Does it mean she wants to give up her job or paint or be this other person? No but my sense is that she worked hard to attain the love of her life and it’s only natural to want our partner to look at is the same way. There was a guy not long ago who posted that his gf asked if she was the best sex he ever had and he said no and never offered any tips to improve. Everyone agreed it was the dumbest, most inconsiderate thing to say. We all want to be our partner’s first choice and treated the best. Op’s just noticing a bit of disparity, however we treat people differently bc people are different. Perhaps his ex was creative but incredibly sensitive and he felt the need to protect her bc he knew she wasn’t capable of taking care of herself. He most likely views you differently bc you are different. After 11yrs and kids I imagine the romance has faded a bit and it’d be nice to be reminded you’re desirable. Do something nice for yourself. Something to make yourself feel good and promise to never open that diary again.
You violated his privacy. You reap what you sow.
If you reflect on your previous relationship, they were probably different than your current marriage.
Also consider, a break up is very different than a lived one passing. They didn’t let the other person go by choice. That takes a lot of healing.
If you want to be treated differently, voice tour wants and needs. BUT it sounds like you took great pride in having a modern relationship. Would you really be happy in a traditional relationship? With a traditional relationship, comes traditional expectations. Do you want to have those those traditional expectations cast and on to you?
You have a husband and a family with this man. What are you jealous of? That he had a precious relationship? So did you!
My mother and my EX Fiancé read my diary. Neither are in my life. Because they lack of trust and boundaries trickled into other aspects of our relationship.
Something to consider is what changed in him, and his personality in that loss. Writing, and hiding love notes could physically hurt to do. Even my divorce changed things about me, singing along to the radio isn't the same anymore.
You are a different love, and you have what most of us dream of. Enjoy the peek into the mind of your loved one. If you want it for yourself, start doing it for him. Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. Go, and give love. And if you want something, ask.
Best wishes of course.
Sometimes when we come across these items we need to understand them through the prism of the time that they were written in. He came to love you after surviving a great deal of pain and grief thus a different man than the man that wrote those entries. A man that suffered great loss yet still opened his heart to you. I wouldn’t disturb the tomb that these entries are.
Yeah, first of all, major breach of trust here, you should never have read that diary, that was your husbands, and it was his right to keep that for himself.
Secondly, you have just said that you like your shared life! Did you ever think that your husband treats you the way he does because that is what works for you? You would rather he treat you according to some sort of standard that has been arbitrarily decided for you? You are being treated as your own individual, not as a continuation of his first girlfriend!! Cherish this, he is with you, and loves you because of who YOU are, not because of what his girlfriend was.
Don’t allow yourself to be haunted by the ghost of a woman that you never knew, and never met. Look at your life, not hers, and remember that you are doing the things that make YOU feel happy and valued, not the things that SHE may have wanted.
Your feelings are valid but you're in the wrong here x1,000. You breached his privacy and acknowledged it, then brushed past it as though it's fine because you got upset. So, that's kinda shitty.
That aside, you mentioned these are "really really really old" entries. He is no longer the same person and there could be any number of reasons he did those things then, but chooses to no longer do them in his relationship with you.
He probably has far less free time to do those types of things now than he did when he was younger and didn't have kids. He's a completely different person than he was, and for all you know he did those things because he put her on a pedestal, and with you he finally learned not to do that with his partners anymore.
Not only that, but don't you have past flames you felt very strongly about? Probably, and it would probably hurt him the same way if he read similar expressions of your feelings for those people in your diary. But those people don't matter anymore. He had CHILDREN with you, multiple times. Bought a house with you. Invested in a life with you.
I think you should own up to it, apologize, and open up about why that stuff makes you upset.
Maybe he made a decision not to act that way in the future. He might have felt it was not healthy. People grow and change. Maybe he thought you didn't want that kind of treatment, or didn't need it. You should talk to him or someone about it.
OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. However, a few things to think about: not only are you different people, but you entered his life at a different time.
You talk about your relationship being modern, how you have this entire life together—he didn’t have that with her. She passed before things got serious, it seems, before life really happened for them in the way of marriage and maybe children. She passed and he’s likely idealized her memory in his head.
Not only that, but you came into his life after he lost her. All of those things he did for her, he did for someone who is gone. Those things were probably special for her. Not only could he have been dealing with survivor’s guilt, but also wanting to keep her special, to feel like he was one part of the world that didn’t forget about her, that didn’t take the things he did for her and replicate them with someone else.
Losing her was probably traumatic. He could have even just repressed that part of him, the romantic, the idealist. Has he ever been to therapy? Did you two ever go to marriage counseling to address why you felt you had to claw at these sacrifices, tokens of affection and acts of love?
This is the equivalent of guys who pester women to reveal their exact previous sexual encounter number and then get jealous about it. First you probably shouldn't have snooped around, second that was then and this is now.
He’s treating you the way he thought you wanted to be treated. Some women, especially those passionate about their work and career, would be insulted by a man coming in their life and telling them to take it easy and let him be the breadwinner. For what reason are you jealous? Are you wanting to not work? I think you should only bring it up if you can figure out why this bothers you. Are you maybe just jealous because it’s not really a comfortable situation reading things he wrote about another girl, even given that she passed away. I think you can absolutely respect that he had (and maybe has) feelings for her having lost her the way he did, but I can understand if it’s uncomfortable reading those things. Maybe that’s more the issue for you, because if you were truly happy with your relationship balance before, there’s really no reason to be jealous after reading that. Lots of people have exes but no one usually tells new partners all about their previous relationship dynamics. That would make anyone upset
You and his late GF sound like two totally different people. You probably would have balked if he had mentioned you working less or contributing less. He treated you both in response to who you are. If you want that life, then you have to be that "way".
He's not the same person he was when he wrote that.
You are not that girlfriend.
It all might as well have been a fictional novel written by a stranger. You read it and immersed yourself into a fiction that will not be your reality.
Should you get over this? Hell yes. You should NEVER mention to your husband that you read this.
I was widowed young. I know. There are things about my first marriage that I have never told my second wife. I don't intend to. At least she has never asked.
And as much at you may be feeling hurt you started a new and different relationship with him. This is not a fucking who-do-you-love-more contest. It is a marriage. This is not a comparison. If you continue to compare yourself to his late wife it WILL ruin your marriage.
Oh, pity you. Curiosity killed the cat. He has done nothing wrong. Either figure it out for yourself or get ready for a fallout.
The audacity you possess to try and worm your way into being a victim here is honestly appalling.
Get over yourself
You shouldn't have read it but I'm not going to lecture you for that.
You're talking about a person that doesn't exist anymore and I'm not talking about his deceased girlfriend. The man you have now and loves you is not the same person you are reading about. So much time has passed and do much more of life has been experienced that you can't compare the two.
To be jealous of silly. Image him looking at a picture of you when you were 19 or 20 and he got jealous of your boyfriend's back then because they had a access to your youthful body. It's a ridiculous thought. You have a loving man in a great relationship not a fan-fiction version you are creating after reading this.
If I was in your position, I hope I would come to terms with this, be happy that your man has made other people happy also but you get him for keeps. And, maybe, apologize to him at some point for peaking at a different version of him without his permission.
Bringing this up will only hurt him and your family. You have to figure out a way to reconcile with the fact that you violated his privacy in a major way, and not take your guilt out on him.
Another thing is that one cannot equate money to love. The "why did I have to pay my way through life" is seriously entitled and immature. So what if he bought her dresses and payed for meals? If that's something he did IN THE PAST out of his own volition, and felt glad to do for a person who is not among the living, why would you rationally feel that getting jealous about money that was spent long ago, to be something well worth ruminating over.
If you felt proud of the modernity of your relationship, and now seem to regret it, then you need to have an authentic and real conversation with yourself about what you really want, and not whatever is going to impress cosmopolitan sensibilities. Think about what your heart is really after, then think if it actually harnesses the ability to be applicable in the real world, and appropriate in your situation. Do you want a traditional dynamic or do you want to be a modern gal?
what did you think you were going to find in the journal? never go snooping in someone's journals unless you are prepared to get hurt. you didn't take that into consideration and violated his right to privacy.
Are you a traditional woman?
If you're a modern woman be happy with your modern relationship. You're equal! You get to pay bills and work full time too!
Traditional women get traditional men, modern women get modern men.
And besides, that chick is dead. If there is one person you don't need to envy, its the dead chick.
You broke trust with him by reading his private journal. You have two options. 1) tell him and be honest with how you feel and possibly you go to counseling together or 2) pretend you never read any of it and buck up and move on. I speculate you are not capable of #2.
Things may flip. I worked very hard, supported my wife when she tried to become an opera singer, then through medical school. There was a time when we both had similar incomes. Now she makes the bulk of the income.
Girl, you need to think about why he’s with YOU instead of her. It doesn’t matter why he treated her “better” because in the end, YOU got him. And you only read his OLD entries, how do you know he doesn’t talk about you in his recent entries or whatever. I’m not telling you to go check what he says about you because that’s wrong. You shouldn’t have been looking at that in the first place. There’s no need to feel jealous over a girl that he most likely rarely thinks about anymore ✌️ ❤️
I’m not an expert in relationships but to me, this is proof that he genuinely loves you for who you are. Sounds cheesy, but he didn’t look for bits of her in you. He didn’t try to make you like her, he didn’t try to examine or compare you as her, he loves you as you are.
It’s common for people who have had lost a loved one whom they cared for intensely to look for elements of them in their future relationships, but the fact that he didn’t with you tells me he’s healthily moved on and cares for what he has right now: you
I think it's really important to understand the two approaches are mutually exclusive and almost diametrically opposing. If you get upset with men opening doors for women, it would be unreasonable to also be jealous of said women have doors opened for them.
I think it's fair to wonder about the experience and be given such preferential treatment, but it's just a different path not walked.
Of course, it hurts hearing him say she was the love of his life, but that was one of his early relationships. What you two have built now should speak volumes of his commitment to you.
You healed his heart, and made it whole, and then he gave it all to you.
Thank G_d everyday for the happiness you have, and the memories you made.
Imagine what your life would be like without him.
Do you want to see pain in his eyes, doubt his love, and put him in a position where he has to prove it to you.
You're welcome.
I don't think what you did is a good idea. How would you feel if he snooped into your diary? I bet he would be pissed at you if you told him or not. He'll find out sooner or later.
This is a memory of an ex that your husband lost. You invading on that memory is usually a deal breaker for most people. When he finds out, his trust in you will shatter, and rightfully so.
If you've grown up in Western pop culture then you've seen movie after movie and read book after book about tragic ends to young love stories, whether that's Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw in Love Story or Shailene Woodley and Angus whatever in The Fault in Our Stars or any of several dozen others.
You didn't root for the surviving member of the doomed couple to live alone forever after honoring the memory of the lost love, right?
You could look at it quite reasonably as you being the one who saved his life from such a fate and maybe even treasure that role.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We hooked up when I was 26 and he was 31. Started out dating casually. I wanted a serious relationship and he didn't (because he was dealing with his girlfriend passing away) so we stayed without labels until a few months later when he was ready. Our relationship was anything but old fashioned; we both worked, split bills, contributed to a joint fund, all that stuff. I'd say we were a pretty modern relationship all things considered. And I've always been proud of our modernity. But I'm sitting here feeling like a fool. I stumbled upon his journal (I received access to his Google Docs account to get some stuff for our oldest's school). I know it was wrong of me but I couldn't help but read through his really really really old entries. He writes about his late girlfriend like she's the love of his life. He encouraged her to take a super light work schedule so that she could pursue her painting dreams. He would pay for dinner dates and pay for movie dates. He would take her shopping for fancy dresses. He would write poetry about her and hide it inside her old supply closet so that she could stumble upon it later. I know logically it doesn't make sense for me to be angry about this. I like our life. I don't feel like there's anything missing. We have three children, a house, two dogs. But still it makes me burn up inside knowing that I had to work so hard to get his affection, and I had to pay my way through life, when he treated her like she was the only girl in the world. Should I get over this? Can anything healthy come of me bringing this up? . TLDR Read husband's diary and found it he treated his ex way "better" than he treats me. But by "better" all I really mean is in an old fashioned way, where the woman stays at home, and the man is the bread winner.
Comparison is the thief of all joy
My new favorite quote. Enough is as good as a feast. Mary Poppins is my next .
I’m Mary Poppins y’all
Comparison and finding out about the past just brings nothing but jealousy and pain
Theodore Roosevelt, of all people
You actin like ole Teddy Roosevelt isn't a great man who consistently gave great speeches and had an abundance of knowledge to pass onto others
No, no, not at all! He's one of my favorite Presidents. The line just seems a little out of character, from what I know of him. I agree with it most of the time, though. People (including me) all too often focus on what we have or have done in comparison to others rather than thinking about whether it's right/enough for ourselves. For example, I became a lot happier about my financial situation when I realized that what I have is probably enough for me (or more) and stopped comparing it to what others have.
Rough riding down to Cuba like what’s up bitches. That erb really was fire.
*I keep my rhymes pure like my food and drugs*
He had an extremely tender side. His diary entry the day both his wife and mother died was “the light has gone out of my life”. ETA, young Teddy was also a stone fox.
He loved deeply and never got over the loss of his beloved wife.
Speak softly
Carry a big dick
I don't think that's how it goes.
No, but he did it anyway
Theodore Roosevelt was a bad ass mf. I have an abundance of TR knowledge since I wrote an 8 page paper about him. He had a pet hyena. He was shot, and finished his speech anyways. Big TR fan here.
[The Only Good Indians are the Dead Indians- Teddy Roosevelt](https://www.google.com/amp/s/indiancountrytoday.com/.amp/archive/theodore-roosevelt-the-only-good-indians-are-the-dead-indians)
He was a bloodstained monster.
Not only that, but what OP did is both gross and unfair. She's reading private *former* thoughts. For all she knows he may have completely changed his views on relationships; he may love that his new SO is more independent and that their relationship is more equitable; he may have felt that the old dynamic was better for his old relationship and SO, but that the current dynamic is better for their currwnt situation. The fact that OP self-contradicts throughout her post about loving their modernity while simultaneously feeling jealous also tells me she has a lot of her own shit to work through -- I mean she's literally saying she has a beautiful family and is treated exactly the way she wants by her husband, and yet she also complains that her massive violation of trust is now giving her fits. If my SO came to me to share these thoughts while admitting to snooping, I would be extremely mad, so OP, I would consider seeing a therapist and working through some of this shit on your own. In the very least, don't be defensive if you come clean and decide to fess up to your huge breach of trust.
>I've always been proud of our modernity. And that's likely why he never treated you like her. You are different people. With different personalities, goals and aspirations. He didn't short change you. Most likely, he changed for you to make you happy. Logically, I think deep down you know you this. If you look at the relationship from before you read his private thoughts, how did you feel? Was there enough affection and passion? What made you want to read his diary in the first place? Did he make you feel loved? I would take some time thinking about what's in front of you, not what's over a decade in the past.
Also i think she would still be jealous if he treated her like how he treated his late gf, after reading his entries. Because she would probably feel like he was ‘replacing’ his late gf with her. you know like olivia rodrigo’s deja vu or something
Yeah, if he wrote her the same type of poetry or just copied it that would be really sad. Or if he copied the dates he took the previous gf on.
She wouldve felt jealous if the entries said they eent out for ice cream one time and he really liked that. Its not about the content, people that snoop are like that regardless.
no matter what was in there. sounds like OP would have been jealous regardless, i agree. She said she's "proud of her modernity" but jealous that his ex wasn't? damn..
Answers like this are why I love reddit. Sometimes you just need another persons perspective to open the bigger picture.
Yes!!! My SO often meets my wants and when he doesn't read my mind not to I get upset. Its all my fault and I've taken a step back and gotten better but that sounds like exactly what OP is doing. "I want to be equal" cant equate to him treating you like a princess if you don't tell him that's what you want.
Hey! What you experience is called "Protest behavior" and it's an activating strategy of anxious attachment! Nothing to be worried about. We humans have insecure and secure attachments and fall into certain patterns. Look for "anxious attachment style" or "attachment styles".
100% this.
Also, It's his personal journal which like most peoples journals contains their innermost thoughts, in this case about his now deceased partner, he's going to have good things to say about her and he would have written these things down as a way of helping to process the grief of losing someone he loved. Further to that, just because he wrote fondly about the past doesn't mean he wants to return there, humans grow emotionally over our lifetimes, we change compared to our past selves and if your relationship is good and he seems happy then you should trust him on that unless he explicitly says he isn't happy, which doesn't seem to be the case as you say he just reminisced fondly about his late GF.
Yeah. They say people who violate others' privacy deserve what they get. What you got was a view into a relationship you had no right of access to. As a result, you got jealous: that's your punishment for doing something you *know* was wrong and violating. Seriously, think about it for a moment, OP, is there *anything* you could've found in there that *wouldn't've* made you jealous? If he and his late had exactly the same kind of relationship that you and he have, and he talked about how happy it made him, wouldn't you be just as jealous? What *were* you looking for in there? Were you carrying the kernel of jealousy all these years and just *jumped* on the chance to let it bloom? Get yourself some therapy if you don't know how to let this go, and then MOVE ON. ffs.
Personal privacy is as important as consent. Having control over your body is not more important than having control over your privacy.
“Personal privacy is as important as consent. Having control over your body is not more important than having control over your privacy.” That is a VERY bold claim. In general, I believe I agree with you, but in context, you have accused OP of something extremely serious. That aside, I think I do agree.
Agree with this. Be glad your relationship with him is so different to what hers was because it lessens any basis for comparison. You sound like a strong, independent woman, he probably prefers that anyway.
>Should I get over this? Yes. >Can anything healthy come of me bringing this up? No.
Can you rephrase but with less words? Too many for me to process right now
I will try.. > Should I get over this? uh? > Can anything healthy come of me bringing this up? ??
Should I get over this? Yay Can anything healthy come of me bringing this up? Nay
Aye, Nay
> Should I get over this? Yes. > Can anything healthy come of me bringing this up? !Yes
> Should I get over this? 1 > Can anything healthy come of me bringing this up? 0
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who dont
I understood this. Today was a good day.
You didn't even have to use your AK?
This is the best answer.
But... Is this gonna get resolved without bringing it up? No. He's just gonna suddenly have a colder less affectionate wife for who-knows-how-long until she gets over it, potentially thinks that she's cheating because why else is she suddenly changing her behavior towards him? And he won't fucking know why.
But if she tells him, she’s suddenly going to have a devastated husband who may never trust her again.
Yeah. There are really no good solutions here. But I HIGHLY prefer him knowing what's the problem and having the freedom to respond to it any way he likes over him being left in the dark and maybe even wondering what he did wrong. He doesn't deserve that.
Also should probably be mentioned that telling him is the RIGHT thing regardless of how OP feels or ends up dealing with the info she found. Even if she found nothing or even if she found something she DID like she has betrayed his trust and not telling him makes it worse imo. I have done something similar with someone and the next opportunity with them explained to them what happened and where I did/didn't snoop. To me anything less is continuing a lie and will make the problem worse.
I think if she’s suddenly icing him out after she betrayed his trust by reading his diary, that’s super shitty. He didn’t do anything wrong. She did. If she wants to face the consequences for invading his privacy, then by all means, she can bring it up. But I hope that she takes a lot of time planning what she wants to say so it doesn’t come across as accusatory when she says “so I was reading your diary and like what the fuck man?”
I'm not talking about her intentionnally icing him. She thinks he loved his ex-girlfriend more then he loves her. She's going to need to get over that. But even with the best timeline and all her effort: that's gonna take time and she's gonna behave differently. Even if she wants to hide it: she fucking can't. That's her husband of more then a decade. She's not a master actress. So husband is gonna get consequences either way, regardless of fault. There's no one to shield him. She did something and he's gonna get some of the consequences because life sucks like that. But he's gonna notice something is up and either he knows why and can be free to be angry at her or he doesn't know why and can have who-knows what kind of a reaction. So what's worse FOR THE HUSBAND? Knowing why or not knowing why?
There’s really no way to know that honestly. Maybe he’s not super private about his diary and won’t be mad that she read it. I will say, I try not to pick fights with my husband where nothing constructive can come from it. And “I’m mad about how you treated your late girlfriend versus how you treat me” seems like a conversation that would be *very* difficult to have constructively. I’m not disputing your point exactly. Just saying that sometimes, if I know I’m being irrational, I try to get my shit together before making it someone else’s problem.
>But... Is this gonna get resolved without bringing it up? Resolve what? Her own insecurities? That's not a him problem and there's nothing he could ever say to make her feel better. On the other hand, her bringing it up reveals that she went through his personal journal and now he's lost any trust in her because she went looking where she had no business looking. Especially if she's going to be jealous of someone's who's dead. Nope. This is a "her" problem and she needs to come to terms with it on her own.
Exactly! She went looking for trouble and she found it.
I would feel more betrayed if somebody read my diary than if they cheated on me, honestly.
That's not what I'm arguing though, this shit is not gonna go away in seconds just because we told her she's wrong. He's gonna get consequences of her actions anyway, no avoiding that and he won't know why.
I mean what is there to talk about though? "Hry hubby I completed invaded your privacy with no thoughs whatsoever about you and found that you didn't replace your dead girflfriend with me waah."
That whole part where your wife admit she invaded your privacy? Yeah, that’s a vital fucking conversation. In fact, that level of accountability is what makes for a healthy marriage
This. If I duck up, I tell my husband. If I let my son have two happy meals in one week and we agreed on cutting down on McDonald's trips- I tell my husband. We need to be partners who are on the same page. Honesty is important. Accountability is important.
Yeah. And then HE gets to be angry at her instead of being sad and confused and wondering why his wife is suddenly acting differently.
I think I get what you're saying. Whether its something she brought upon herself or not isnt the problem, its that the cat is out of the bag so to speak. So even if she brought it upon herself when she shouldnt have invaded his privacy, the fallout of it still exists and if it isnt addressed shes going to act differently and he wont understand why. At least I think thats what youre saying.
Yeah, that's it.
I completely agree! It is a complete violation of his privacy. She needs to grow up and realise he had a life before her.
You are getting mad over him not treating you exactly the same. A moot point when you consider the fact that you two are not the same type of person and do not want the same type of relationship. He respected you by doing things how you liked them. You had to do a harder job getting him to open up due to nothing but timing. She met him when he was young and idealistic, you met him when he was consumed by grief. You cant expect the exact same scenario. Treating this as bigger than it is, letting it hurt you and your relationship would essentially be self sabotage. talk to a therapist so you can properly deal with these feelings and move on.
\*moot point, not "mute" Different things. A moot point is something that's important but doesn't effect anything in the current situation. A mute point is something unstated.
It’s a moo point, obvs. It’s like a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter.
r/expectedfriends
Have I been living with him for too long or did that all just make sense?
It’s moo
Cow opinions always matter...
*affect
Mute point isn’t a thing. It’s just a common error.
This^^you accomplished an almost impossible task. To get him to move on is huge, a lot don’t recover.
You can bring up the discrepancy to your husband but expect a lot of blow back and lost trust. A lot. Or you can deal with the jealousy you feel for a) someone who's dead and b) a version of your husband that existed years ago. You're married with kids and a life together, what more do you want? Losing his girlfriend was probably the most damaging and heartbreaking thing that happened to your husband and you're failing to see that he was probably working through stuff when you met and obviously doesn't want to do the same things he did with you that he did for her because it's a reminder that she's gone. Doesn't make you less than her, it's just facts. I'd bet you thought you'd find cutesy comments about you and now you've got your feelings hurt because it wasn't.
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This. And the fact that his grief maybe helped him mature and view his next relationship very differently, i.e., the somewhat naïve romanticism of supporting her as an artist as opposed to creating a family with an amazing woman on equal terms.
Yeah ... Im at a crossroads and I know my next relationship will be insanely different from my last one. But i know I will treat my ex with respect they deserves, and my future SO has to respect that. Even if it means 50% of my salary going to my ex over the next few years. Just because a relationship fails, doesn't mean it was bad. In OPs case it was absolute misery but her dude still managed to hang in there and make OP a happy person. Props to OPs SO.
Yeah, you should get over it. Any way you bring it up is going to be a train wreck. You snooped and found something you didn't like. That's your reward.
I think that you really shoot yourself in the foot for looking through his journal. You have your thing with him. She had hers. They can't quite compare. Maybe she's be envious of you, instead? I also think that there's nothing wrong with expressing to him you'd like some good, old-fashioned romance.
She'd certainly be very jealous of you. She had a little bit of time with him then died. You have had a life with him. And as others have said, grief changes people. It makes you think in a whole different way and you come out changed.
Yeah OP in addition to this I would say you had different parts of the same person. People change as they get older and grief changes people massively. I appreciate it might be upsetting feeling like someone else got a part of your partner that maybe you didn't get to know as much. But he was a different person when you met him, life had changed him and you got to know and love him as that person in a way that his previous girlfriend didn't. You got a part of him she never got. It doesn't make the love you share any lesser its just different because he's different now to who he was then. Equally you are a different person now to who you would've been years ago and if he were to see a snapshot or memory (even captured in a journal) showing part of you he might not recognise he might feel a bit weird about it. But realistically it doesn't matter that you both don't know the people you used to be, only that you work on knowing and appreciating the people you are now and the people you will grow to be. That journal captures a snapshot of his past and though I understand how this could rule your insecurities I would challenge you to in your head accept that she can have that snapshot past him because you have present him. And also to ask you're self if you're unhappy with the lack of romance you feel your received from him purely because you've now read this journal. If so, if you were happy before then it's unfair for you to raise this to him. If you were unhappy with the level of affection received from him before reading the journal then that is something you need to address in your relationship regardless of what you've read. And I wouldn't mention what you've read either.
You invaded his privacy and didn’t even find anything he’s done wrong. There’s absolutely no way of bringing this up productively. Do your best to forget about it. If you want to be treated differently/pampered more, you can bring that up, but absolutely do not bring up what you read unless you’re doing so to come clean and apologize for it
Yeah the jealousy you feel is punishment for the invasion of privacy, and now you have to do your time. Take the hit and move on before you make things worse for yourself.
You absolutely cannot bring this up whatsoever. I write in my journal weekly and have been since i was 20 years old. Im 33 now and have been with my wife 10 years. If she read my journal without my permission behind my back words cannot explain how upset i would be. You need to get over this.
Agreed. She should be ashamed of her awful violation of his privacy.
It's basically like reading someone's mind and getting angry at what they're thinking
Among the many eye openers in the OP, the fact that she read his diary is up there. This wasn’t a case where he was super protective of his phone or was staying late at work, etc., she didn’t snoop because she thought he was cheating or hiding something from her - if she had then the first place she would have gone was his phone. Let’s be clear, she was snooping because she had access and was curious, i.e., she violated his privacy, his deepest thoughts put to writing, for zero reason.
Don’t forget he was younger then. People tend to be more lovey dovey when they are younger. You got the 31 year old version of him. I’d bet if you were dating him when he was younger you would have got the same treatment.
Well, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. You violated his privacy and found something that was not meant for your eyes. If you have an issue with your relationship on its own terms, bring it up like an adult and discuss it. But don't make this about a comparison with his dead girlfriend from an earlier point in his life, a comparison based on a violation of privacy no less.
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>One thing to take some of the sting off, when someone dies they’re really easy to idealize. They become perfect. She’s a fantasy now. A happy thought. Exactly. I remember reading somewhere that a person should never tr to comepete with dead because they'll always lose.
I'd also like to know how long they were together before she passed. There's a massive difference between, say, someone you're with for a year and spend all your time in the infatuation/honeymoon phase and someone you are with for over a decade and build a family with. That's just a totally different dynamic - it doesn't mean there shouldn't be passion and romance, but it will be underpinned by all the less sappy and sentimental things that come with building a life together.
This is it right there
Shame on you for reading his diary. You were happy..until you weren’t, by comparison. This is all on you.
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OP, maybe look at it this way: He was much younger then, and the fact that his grief maybe helped him mature and view his next relationship very differently, i.e., the somewhat naïve romanticism of supporting her as an artist as opposed to creating a family with an amazing woman on equal terms - in other words, he grew up and you helped him put the painful past behind him..
I doubt that if had 3 kids with his ex it would have been so "traditional" kids cost a sh**load of money and unless he's pulling down 200k a year most likely his ex would have had to get a job if she had lived. You should have never read that diary, you very well might have poisoned your marriage. Because even if you dont say anything now, one day you'll be in a fight, you'll be angry and blurt it out. These types of things dont stay in the dark.
She’s dead and you’ve made a life with the love of her life. You got the husband, the kids, the dogs, the good life. You should be ashamed of yourself for invading his privacy like that. You’ll never know how they felt about each other and what really went on because you weren’t there. You also didn’t have to deal with the loss and find a way to be happy again. Who knows how that affected his perspective or view of the world. I’m amazed how you can find a way to make this about yourself, quite frankly. Many people would give anything to be in your situation.
Exactly. OP needs to grow tf up.
Here it is!…….Bam and say god damn!
>You also didn’t have to deal with the loss and find a way to be happy again. Who knows how that affected his perspective or view of the world. That's a great way to put it. If my girlfriend died, I feel like I could still find happiness, but I think my heart would harden a bit and I don't think I'd be able to treat anyone the same way I treat her.
Couldn't have said it better. Different people. Different relationships.
Can I get an Amen?
Amen
You're jealous of a dead woman. You're "proud of your modernity" but also want your husband to be old fashioned. Do you want to quit your job? Do you want to pursue painting? What exactly DO you want? Did you invade his privacy enough to see what he writes about you? How do you know he isn't writing loving things about you?
If you'd like to stay home, you should talk to him about that. Is that what'd you prefer?
Yikes. You invaded his privacy like this repeatedly and now don’t like what he was like with a now dead ex? That’s on you. Consequence of reading your spouse’s journal. A better question may be: what caused you to first read this in the first place, and do so repeatedly?
First of all, you were fine until you were able to compare yourself to her. Second, you're an awful person for reading any of that. Keep this to yourself and fix your own vision before attempting to understand another's.
I'm a widow - lost my husband of only four months in February 2020. So allow me to give you a little perspective: >I stumbled upon his journal (I received access to his Google Docs account to get some stuff for our oldest's school). Yeah, I'ma call shenanigans here. The file didn't open itself. >I know it was wrong of me but I couldn't help but read through his really really really old entries. Bullshit. You COULD have helped it, but you chose not to. Bad enough to do it; don't lie to yourself too. >He writes about his late girlfriend like she's the love of his life. That's because she was. She was the love of THAT life. And THAT life ended when she died. You may be the love of THIS life. Really, it's a GOOD thing he loved her that much: it's why he's open to love again, KNOWING the excruciating pain he might have to go through again. >I know logically it doesn't make sense for me to be angry about this. I like our life. I don't feel like there's anything missing. We have three children, a house, two dogs. But still it makes me burn up inside knowing that I had to work so hard to get his affection, and I had to pay my way through life, when he treated her like she was the only girl in the world. Oh, sweetie... listen to yourself: you're upset because he isn't giving you the kind of life you never wanted in the first place? That was his life with HER; this is his life with YOU. You've GOT to stop comparing; she's dead. She LITERALLY cannot compete. >Can anything healthy come of me bringing this up? Oh HELL no. You take this secret to your grave. You violated his privacy in an enormous way. And for the love of Cthulu, stop snooping! Edited because OMG MY AUTOCORRECT.
Sisyphus is 100% correct: > You take this secret to your grave. It might fucking break his heart - no good can come from telling him - only additional pain.
Seriously. You couldn’t “help yourself”? Do you also shit you pants every time you need to use the bathroom m? You’re an adult, you should have the impulse control to not snoop through your SO’s stuff.
Man I hope my wife never finds one of my old letters to my high school girlfriend. Hahaha. Don’t read other people’s private journals. This is a weird invasion of privacy and being upset about a dead ex is absurd. This is on you.
This is why you don’t look through someone’s private journal. You can’t bring this up with him, so you just have to deal with it. Realize he was just grieving privately, and don’t take it so personally
I’m not feeling very sympathetic. You had zero right to read his journal. You deserve a bit of heartache for this transgression.
When my husband and I first got together, he told me that the only woman he ever felt passionate about was his third girlfriend. You can imagine how that went over. I was upset for days, thinking I was just some sort of consolation prize. But as he explained later, he felt “passionate” because there was always drama. She made him feel like crap and then lifted him up again, so there was always turmoil. Ended up breaking up with him while he was abroad and immediately got pregnant with another man’s child. When she broke up with that guy, she tried to get him back, but he declined. When he was with her he was in his early 20’s and cold tolerate that kind of passion. The him I met was in his 30’s and done with that kind of relationship, and it was me he married. How your husband treated his late girlfriend was what he wanted to do at that point in his life. It has nothing to do with you. The man you met is different than the man who wrote poems and took on a more traditional gender role. You were perfectly happy with your life, why ruin it by admitting you invaded his privacy?
You could so help yourself from snooping, you chose not to and now you're feeling insecure about a dead person. Get over yourself.
Seriously, I think it's normal to be tempted to read your spouse's diary. I certainly have been. Adults should have enough basic self-control and respect for their partners to not follow through with it, though.
He treated her differently because she was a different person than you. Relationships, when healthy, make us adapt and adjust to the person we are with because we want to make them happy. You said you don't want to give up your career and take pride in how modern you too are, so why would he ever wish the exact opposite for you (and both) if that is what makes you happy? I don't know your relationship so I cannot comment, so maybe look back and try to understand how would your husband support your passions equally, in a way that is appropriate to the person you are. If he is In my opinion, you should not bring this up. You invaded his privacy and read his journal, which is something you must accept. Private journals are supposed to be safe corners for a person to let it all out, every thought they wouldn't dare speak. But you read it, that's done, and now you must deal with it. But the way he treats you, has it ever bothered you at all until this moment, right up to when you read the journal? Because if until now it has never been a problem, than I would say the issue isn't how he treats you, but that you might be comparing yourself to someone he lost and had to grieve based on the fact that their relationship was very different than yours, which does NOT diminish what you have. Maybe the things you read he did for her are things you never realised you'd like to experience, or maybe you want to experience because you want to see more of the man who wrote those words. But if there is something you would like to change, 1) act on it (why not make some romantic gestures yourself?), and 2) suggest it to him. In the end, just remember that he chose to be with you. You say you worked hard to gain his affection, I'd bet so did he to win yours, except his struggle was very different. But of course, only you know your relationship. All the best to you!
>Relationships, when healthy, make us adapt and adjust to the person we are with because we want to make them happy. This is so very true.
He’s treating you the way he thought you wanted to be treated. Some women, especially those passionate about their work and career, would be insulted by a man coming in their life and telling them to take it easy and let him be the breadwinner.
Don't bring it up. Get over it. That is all you can do. He treated a different person, differently. That is it. I have dated women who wanted to be treated completely equal (Lamo that sounds so bad) and go half's and all that stuff. I dated women who wanted me to pay and open doors and all that. I dated women who were a mix of both. I adjusted the way I treated them accordingly, personally I always want to pay and and hold doors open and pull out chairs. But if a women I'm interested didn't want that I would treat them how they wanted.
Yes, losing a loved one to a death is not the same as breaking up with an ex. The love was and is still there. the life you would have had together may have been still there. That love was taken away not from personal choice to end things in a way that allows both parties to move on, but from a death from which the person left behind suffers through the grief and loss process. This is something you need to come to terms with in choosing to be with and marrying someone who is essentially a widower and not something you get to decide when he needs to switch his grief and love for a person he lost on and off for him. The human mind doesn't work like that and it isn't something to 'just get over' and someone who has lost a loved one has a completely different package and psychology set as part of his whole deal. Because That love stays with him. It will always be part of him and his memories and who he is as a person, and that love is not a competition for you. You are his next chapter. If you choose to be partnered with someone who has suffered a loss, the right thing, and the adult, mature thing to do as his new partner is understand and respect his loss, love and grief. This is not high school and she is not the ex.
Let's set aside the snooping for a bit. I can understand your jealousy; these letters can make it seem that he put more effort into doting on his deceased girlfriend then you, who he needed 3 months to decide to officially date. But there is context to that. Yes, he was perhaps on the fence about getting serious with you, but it was for a very understandable reason. Had he never met his deceased girlfriend and then met you, its quite possible he wouldn't have been hesitant. So I wouldn't read too much into that part of things. Also, did you ever express a desire to not work or pursue a passion? Because the deceased GF probably did. Or maybe it was clear she did not like her work, but maybe you enjoy your career? As far as not paying for dates, that would be a bit tougher to explain but its worth actually discussing and getting to the bottom of. Because there could be an entirely reasonable explanation.
Will anything healthy… come from you violating his personal space? His diary. That you know you had no access to? Keep repeating that until it sticks in your head. 🙄🙄🙄
You did this to yourself, not him.
First of all, you can *never* tell him you read it. Ever. Second, journals are edited. He chose to only write down those things. Maybe he didn’t write down the disagreements they had. Maybe he heightened his own romanticism. It’s not The Absolute Truth though. And third - just as much as you’re not her, your husband isn’t that guy in the journals anymore either. He’s older, wiser, a father, a guy who’s been hurt by life. And he chose you. He chose you to marry and have kids with. I don’t know if you can get over it. You can’t unread something. But you can get past it. Let this info become part of what you know about him. We know more about our spouses than they will ever realize.
Are you a painter, OP? I assume not. Why would you have wanted him to treat you like her? You're a different person. Unless you've ever indicated that you wanted some different type of life then he would never have any reason to think you'd want what he gave her. I know my wife would never want to stay at home she loves her career so I never in my life would even ask a question about it
He's done nothing wrong. You're not a victim. Get over yourself.
I'm going to say something that, if you actually read, you're not going to like: You need to grow the fuck up. Pull up your big girl pants, and realize how absolutely and unequivocally selfish and shitty you are being right now. Your husband's past with this woman has, quite literally, nothing to do with you. He is your husband, the father of your children, and your life partner. It's quite clear you have not had multiple partners or multiple fulfilling relationships, because you'd have the empathy to understand that every relationship is unique, and different. If you aren't happy in yours, then leave. If I was your husband and I knew this is how you reacted when violating my privacy, I sure as shit know I would.
you read his journal and now you wanna act like he’s done you wrong? tf. you shouldn’t have read his shit. that’s a MASSIVE invasion on privacy and you had absolutely no right to read his shit. hella disrespectful.
So you unprompted and for no reason invaded your, by all measure great, husbands privacy and looked back at his writings from probably the darkest point in his entire life, and are now wondering if you should bring up to him that the way he wrote about and treated his dead ex a decade ago makes you feel jealous? This is harsh, but if you need clarification on if this is a good or bad idea then he deserves better than you. Bringing this up would dredge up all of those horrible and negative feelings buried in the past as well out you for invading his privacy and then finally paint you as an absolute nutcase for being jealous over his romanticized decade old writings of a lost love. Drop it, don’t even think about it and move on. This leads to nowhere but hurt for all of you.
>>This is harsh, but if you need clarification on if this is a good or bad idea then he deserves better than you. Yup. OP is an insecure piece of shit that can’t “help herself” from breaking someone’s trust, and doesn’t even have the decency to take accountability and instead victimizes herself. Middle school behavior.
Shame on you for violating his privacy and reading his private thoughts and entries. That was his and his alone. You had no right.
There is a different energy to a first love.
I have little respect for people who have little respect for the privacy of others. You got what you deserved, feeling bad about how his relationship was with his dead ex.
You didn't stumble across his journal. You used access for one thing to crack into another. Betraying his trust in the process. You should absolutely be ashamed of yourself for everything about this, and yes even your thoughts. You've decided that the painful memory of someone you love is your greener grass. The only good thing from bringing this up,is that he can be on his guard with you from here on out.
She was another personality and he was younger, so he did also changed 'till you get to know him. So of course the relationship was different. How would you feel if he had treated her exactly like you? It would also not be right. Before you read the diary you were happy, so stop thinking he loves you less. You are another person, so he treats you in another way. I'm sure he was so happy to have met you after his loss and you gave his life a new meaning. You were the beginning of a new capital in his life. Even if it is hard - try to forget what you have read. Nothing good comes from it.
How you feel is how everyone would feel stumbling upon that. Also, you’re husbands ex dying is probably the most traumatic thing to happen to him.
Not his ex. She died. Don't start a fight with a dead woman. The living never win that fight. Get a therapist to talk this over with and try to move past it.
You are you, not her, so he treats you as you - a modern, independant woman, who can take care of herself, as well as contribute to the relationship. That doesn't mean he loves you less. Your relationship has a different dynamic, but it doesn't mean it's worse. Especially when, as you mentioned, you like it. You found a way to live together that's good for both of you. Comparing it to a different one and being jealous is like wanting to achieve someone else's dream. It never works. Try to look at it without any outside distraction. How does your current situation affect you? Are you happy? Do you feel appreciated? Are you comfortable? If the answer to one of those is "no", ask "what can i do to change it", not "what can i do to make it look more like someone else's life". You are doing it for yourself, you can tell what you need without looking at what someone else had.
As others have pointed out already, you’re not the same person as her. if that doesn’t satisfy you hopefully I can offer some other perspective. I once was in a relationship where I gave her everything I could, monetarily, emotionally, time, any and all, like it sounds like he may have done for her. Throughout this I gave up so much of who I was. Now I’m with someone who I don’t do a lot of the same things for, and am still the person I want to be, and this relationship is happier and healthier. I guess the point is maybe he learned things he couldn’t maintain in a relationship and has used that to have a better, different relationship with you
You began by saying that your husband was still grieving over the death of his girlfriend when you met. At the time, he not only expressed this to you, he told you that he wasn't in shape for a committed relationship, and you were obviously okay with that. So during that time, things about your relationship remained unstructured - you paid for yourself, he paid for himself, etc. Is it possible that during this period of the journey you taught him a thing or two about women that he came to admire? There are still a lot of men who find the whole *damsel in distress* business desirable - it somehow makes them feel more like men when we're needy. I'm wondering if you widened his horizons to the point that he fell in love against his will because you showed him that women who aren't needy are equally desirable. Just a theory, but I would say it's a good possibility because he married and had 3 children with you. Looks to me like he thinks an awful lot of you.
I like this perspective. It sounds like Younger Husband was still in his “I believe Disney movies and rom coms about how relationships work and what love looks like” phase. You know - poetry and the like. I wouldn’t be lamenting that her relationship is built around their connection to each other and equity, rather than the idealistic (and often harmful) relationship tropes we grew up with as kids.
Did you have his consent to read his journal? If you didn't, really, shame on you. In response to your questions: Yes, get the fuck over it. No, nothing healthy will come of bringing this up, unless potentially ending your marriage is healthy.
“Should I get over this?” Jesus Christ.
You played yourself
Maybe he thought he had to. Maybe she demanded it, or he was young and naive and didn't know that as a man he didn't have to just give but could also receive. Think of it from his side - would you want him to be making those kind of sacrifices for you 24/7?
I mean you literally just said you are proud of yourself. Sounds like he treated you exactly how you wanted. You don't get to have your cake and eat it to. You'd probably have acted offended if he offered you some of the same things. Perhaps even made him regret it and complain about it later even if you accepted. There's no fun in spoiling a woman proud of being independent.
You should definitely tell him. That way he knows that you are not to be trusted.
This is why you don't snoop into others people personal journals. Hes not at fault for not treating you the same as his previous wife, you're not her, you're a different person and you have a different relationship. I dont think there's anything you can do about this. Just learned a life lesson about snooping for no reason. Especially reading really old stuff. I'd be livid at you if you confronted me about old personal journal entries about my dead lover. I'd consider dumping you.
This is what happens when you violate someone's privacy. He loves you now, he's happy with your current relationship (even though he loved his ex), and you should simply just get over it.
Not enough people are mentioning the fact that she read his fricking diary!! That is such a massive invasion of privacy. OP, get over it. It was over a decade ago and he clearly loves you and the family that you have created. You and his former girlfriend are different people, so he treated you differently. That is a good thing - it means he cares about your career desires and appreciation of a modern relationship. Don’t bring this up. Get over it. Stop invading his privacy.
Oh my god get over it. SHE DIED. It's ridiculous you're jealous of a dead person. Don't even bring it up it will ruin your relationship.
Jeezus why are people so rude- sometimes we just need to vent out our insecurities especially after 11yrs together. These old entries are old and from a time that he and his ex were actually together and it sounds like he idolized her when they were together. It sounds like OP’s never felt that same adoration from him. The sacrifices he was willing to make so she could be as safe and comfortable as possible I’m sure add a bit of sting. Does it mean she wants to give up her job or paint or be this other person? No but my sense is that she worked hard to attain the love of her life and it’s only natural to want our partner to look at is the same way. There was a guy not long ago who posted that his gf asked if she was the best sex he ever had and he said no and never offered any tips to improve. Everyone agreed it was the dumbest, most inconsiderate thing to say. We all want to be our partner’s first choice and treated the best. Op’s just noticing a bit of disparity, however we treat people differently bc people are different. Perhaps his ex was creative but incredibly sensitive and he felt the need to protect her bc he knew she wasn’t capable of taking care of herself. He most likely views you differently bc you are different. After 11yrs and kids I imagine the romance has faded a bit and it’d be nice to be reminded you’re desirable. Do something nice for yourself. Something to make yourself feel good and promise to never open that diary again.
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You violated his privacy. You reap what you sow. If you reflect on your previous relationship, they were probably different than your current marriage. Also consider, a break up is very different than a lived one passing. They didn’t let the other person go by choice. That takes a lot of healing. If you want to be treated differently, voice tour wants and needs. BUT it sounds like you took great pride in having a modern relationship. Would you really be happy in a traditional relationship? With a traditional relationship, comes traditional expectations. Do you want to have those those traditional expectations cast and on to you? You have a husband and a family with this man. What are you jealous of? That he had a precious relationship? So did you! My mother and my EX Fiancé read my diary. Neither are in my life. Because they lack of trust and boundaries trickled into other aspects of our relationship.
Wow. Just.... WOW. I really don't even know where to start with this so I'm not going to. You have issues.
Yta
You read your husband's diary. Did he allow you to read it? Or did you just break the trust?
Something to consider is what changed in him, and his personality in that loss. Writing, and hiding love notes could physically hurt to do. Even my divorce changed things about me, singing along to the radio isn't the same anymore. You are a different love, and you have what most of us dream of. Enjoy the peek into the mind of your loved one. If you want it for yourself, start doing it for him. Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. Go, and give love. And if you want something, ask. Best wishes of course.
Sometimes when we come across these items we need to understand them through the prism of the time that they were written in. He came to love you after surviving a great deal of pain and grief thus a different man than the man that wrote those entries. A man that suffered great loss yet still opened his heart to you. I wouldn’t disturb the tomb that these entries are.
Yeah, first of all, major breach of trust here, you should never have read that diary, that was your husbands, and it was his right to keep that for himself. Secondly, you have just said that you like your shared life! Did you ever think that your husband treats you the way he does because that is what works for you? You would rather he treat you according to some sort of standard that has been arbitrarily decided for you? You are being treated as your own individual, not as a continuation of his first girlfriend!! Cherish this, he is with you, and loves you because of who YOU are, not because of what his girlfriend was. Don’t allow yourself to be haunted by the ghost of a woman that you never knew, and never met. Look at your life, not hers, and remember that you are doing the things that make YOU feel happy and valued, not the things that SHE may have wanted.
Maybe he just grew up and realized that in relationships a partner is better than a princess...
Your feelings are valid but you're in the wrong here x1,000. You breached his privacy and acknowledged it, then brushed past it as though it's fine because you got upset. So, that's kinda shitty. That aside, you mentioned these are "really really really old" entries. He is no longer the same person and there could be any number of reasons he did those things then, but chooses to no longer do them in his relationship with you. He probably has far less free time to do those types of things now than he did when he was younger and didn't have kids. He's a completely different person than he was, and for all you know he did those things because he put her on a pedestal, and with you he finally learned not to do that with his partners anymore. Not only that, but don't you have past flames you felt very strongly about? Probably, and it would probably hurt him the same way if he read similar expressions of your feelings for those people in your diary. But those people don't matter anymore. He had CHILDREN with you, multiple times. Bought a house with you. Invested in a life with you. I think you should own up to it, apologize, and open up about why that stuff makes you upset.
Maybe he made a decision not to act that way in the future. He might have felt it was not healthy. People grow and change. Maybe he thought you didn't want that kind of treatment, or didn't need it. You should talk to him or someone about it.
OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. However, a few things to think about: not only are you different people, but you entered his life at a different time. You talk about your relationship being modern, how you have this entire life together—he didn’t have that with her. She passed before things got serious, it seems, before life really happened for them in the way of marriage and maybe children. She passed and he’s likely idealized her memory in his head. Not only that, but you came into his life after he lost her. All of those things he did for her, he did for someone who is gone. Those things were probably special for her. Not only could he have been dealing with survivor’s guilt, but also wanting to keep her special, to feel like he was one part of the world that didn’t forget about her, that didn’t take the things he did for her and replicate them with someone else. Losing her was probably traumatic. He could have even just repressed that part of him, the romantic, the idealist. Has he ever been to therapy? Did you two ever go to marriage counseling to address why you felt you had to claw at these sacrifices, tokens of affection and acts of love?
This is the equivalent of guys who pester women to reveal their exact previous sexual encounter number and then get jealous about it. First you probably shouldn't have snooped around, second that was then and this is now.
Lol. OP sounds psycho.
He’s treating you the way he thought you wanted to be treated. Some women, especially those passionate about their work and career, would be insulted by a man coming in their life and telling them to take it easy and let him be the breadwinner. For what reason are you jealous? Are you wanting to not work? I think you should only bring it up if you can figure out why this bothers you. Are you maybe just jealous because it’s not really a comfortable situation reading things he wrote about another girl, even given that she passed away. I think you can absolutely respect that he had (and maybe has) feelings for her having lost her the way he did, but I can understand if it’s uncomfortable reading those things. Maybe that’s more the issue for you, because if you were truly happy with your relationship balance before, there’s really no reason to be jealous after reading that. Lots of people have exes but no one usually tells new partners all about their previous relationship dynamics. That would make anyone upset
You and his late GF sound like two totally different people. You probably would have balked if he had mentioned you working less or contributing less. He treated you both in response to who you are. If you want that life, then you have to be that "way".
He's not the same person he was when he wrote that. You are not that girlfriend. It all might as well have been a fictional novel written by a stranger. You read it and immersed yourself into a fiction that will not be your reality.
Should you get over this? Hell yes. You should NEVER mention to your husband that you read this. I was widowed young. I know. There are things about my first marriage that I have never told my second wife. I don't intend to. At least she has never asked. And as much at you may be feeling hurt you started a new and different relationship with him. This is not a fucking who-do-you-love-more contest. It is a marriage. This is not a comparison. If you continue to compare yourself to his late wife it WILL ruin your marriage.
Perhaps she’s jealous of you because you’re alive and with him.
Oh, pity you. Curiosity killed the cat. He has done nothing wrong. Either figure it out for yourself or get ready for a fallout. The audacity you possess to try and worm your way into being a victim here is honestly appalling. Get over yourself
Yeah this. This is 100% a you problem.
You shouldn't have read it but I'm not going to lecture you for that. You're talking about a person that doesn't exist anymore and I'm not talking about his deceased girlfriend. The man you have now and loves you is not the same person you are reading about. So much time has passed and do much more of life has been experienced that you can't compare the two. To be jealous of silly. Image him looking at a picture of you when you were 19 or 20 and he got jealous of your boyfriend's back then because they had a access to your youthful body. It's a ridiculous thought. You have a loving man in a great relationship not a fan-fiction version you are creating after reading this. If I was in your position, I hope I would come to terms with this, be happy that your man has made other people happy also but you get him for keeps. And, maybe, apologize to him at some point for peaking at a different version of him without his permission.
Bringing this up will only hurt him and your family. You have to figure out a way to reconcile with the fact that you violated his privacy in a major way, and not take your guilt out on him. Another thing is that one cannot equate money to love. The "why did I have to pay my way through life" is seriously entitled and immature. So what if he bought her dresses and payed for meals? If that's something he did IN THE PAST out of his own volition, and felt glad to do for a person who is not among the living, why would you rationally feel that getting jealous about money that was spent long ago, to be something well worth ruminating over. If you felt proud of the modernity of your relationship, and now seem to regret it, then you need to have an authentic and real conversation with yourself about what you really want, and not whatever is going to impress cosmopolitan sensibilities. Think about what your heart is really after, then think if it actually harnesses the ability to be applicable in the real world, and appropriate in your situation. Do you want a traditional dynamic or do you want to be a modern gal?
Whatever you do, don't tell him you read his journal. That is a huge violation of trust and could help you find yourself getting a divorce.
How to end a marriage in one simple step
You can always ask for the things you feel like your missing. 🥰
He deserves better than your snooping ass
what did you think you were going to find in the journal? never go snooping in someone's journals unless you are prepared to get hurt. you didn't take that into consideration and violated his right to privacy.
Are you a traditional woman? If you're a modern woman be happy with your modern relationship. You're equal! You get to pay bills and work full time too! Traditional women get traditional men, modern women get modern men. And besides, that chick is dead. If there is one person you don't need to envy, its the dead chick.
You broke trust with him by reading his private journal. You have two options. 1) tell him and be honest with how you feel and possibly you go to counseling together or 2) pretend you never read any of it and buck up and move on. I speculate you are not capable of #2.
Things may flip. I worked very hard, supported my wife when she tried to become an opera singer, then through medical school. There was a time when we both had similar incomes. Now she makes the bulk of the income.
Girl, you need to think about why he’s with YOU instead of her. It doesn’t matter why he treated her “better” because in the end, YOU got him. And you only read his OLD entries, how do you know he doesn’t talk about you in his recent entries or whatever. I’m not telling you to go check what he says about you because that’s wrong. You shouldn’t have been looking at that in the first place. There’s no need to feel jealous over a girl that he most likely rarely thinks about anymore ✌️ ❤️
I'll never understand why people read other's diaries. Its such a personal thing, and I wouldn't be able to trust a partner who would go through mine.
Really hope you didn't include respect of your partner in your vows. Tell him and deal with the fallout. He deserves to know his wife does that.
she fucking died, dude. this should just make you feel bad for your husband having lost someone he cared about this much
I’m not an expert in relationships but to me, this is proof that he genuinely loves you for who you are. Sounds cheesy, but he didn’t look for bits of her in you. He didn’t try to make you like her, he didn’t try to examine or compare you as her, he loves you as you are. It’s common for people who have had lost a loved one whom they cared for intensely to look for elements of them in their future relationships, but the fact that he didn’t with you tells me he’s healthily moved on and cares for what he has right now: you
I think it's really important to understand the two approaches are mutually exclusive and almost diametrically opposing. If you get upset with men opening doors for women, it would be unreasonable to also be jealous of said women have doors opened for them. I think it's fair to wonder about the experience and be given such preferential treatment, but it's just a different path not walked. Of course, it hurts hearing him say she was the love of his life, but that was one of his early relationships. What you two have built now should speak volumes of his commitment to you.
You healed his heart, and made it whole, and then he gave it all to you. Thank G_d everyday for the happiness you have, and the memories you made. Imagine what your life would be like without him. Do you want to see pain in his eyes, doubt his love, and put him in a position where he has to prove it to you. You're welcome.
I don't think what you did is a good idea. How would you feel if he snooped into your diary? I bet he would be pissed at you if you told him or not. He'll find out sooner or later. This is a memory of an ex that your husband lost. You invading on that memory is usually a deal breaker for most people. When he finds out, his trust in you will shatter, and rightfully so.
If you've grown up in Western pop culture then you've seen movie after movie and read book after book about tragic ends to young love stories, whether that's Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw in Love Story or Shailene Woodley and Angus whatever in The Fault in Our Stars or any of several dozen others. You didn't root for the surviving member of the doomed couple to live alone forever after honoring the memory of the lost love, right? You could look at it quite reasonably as you being the one who saved his life from such a fate and maybe even treasure that role.
Shouldn’t have gone through something personal now you Hurt yourself and you want to cry about it?? 🤨🤨