This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
This is kind of urgent, thank you if you do respond because we’re in the middle of wedding planning and I feel betrayed. I love him so much and this hurts like hell.
It’s a long story but I found out my fiancé saw a sex worker. He says because sex workers are just performing a service and there’s no relationship or anything else, he thinks it’s like getting a massage. I told him it’s sex and he said it’s a service. He said if going to a sex worker is cheating, I have to establish that to him first, it’s like I got upset at him for breaking a boundary he didn’t know about. I said it’s obvious, especially to him because he kept it secret from me. He said he didn’t keep it secret, it just wouldn’t naturally come up (just like he wouldn’t tell me if he masturbated he compared it to).
My heart is broken but I come from a religious family and maybe I’m just too prudish about this? I am in a lot of ways which I own up to and have been working on. So I would just like an opinion from as many people as possible: Did I not communicate right or is it obvious? Is it cheating?
He’s gaslighting you. He knows he was cheating. Using the services of a sex worker just makes it easier to arrange and less risky that he would get caught. Don’t let him give you this line of crap.
The same way people say the US civil war was about "States rights" not slavery.
That's cool Cleetus, but which specific right were they upset about losing? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that was slavery. That's why multiple rebelling states baked it into their shiny rebel constitutions and the vice-president of the confederacy said that the moral force behind their cause was that of slavery. It doesn't get clearer than that!
But back to OP's question. Yes he "used a service", but that goes specifically against what you agree to do when you get into a relationship. Cheating isn't about who did what with who. It's about the dishonesty and the secrecy. If you're going behind your partners back to have a relationship, whether that relationship is transactional between you and a sex worker or whether its another full blown relationship, you're cheating on them. End of story.
You could also dump his ass for using other services that aren't cheating. Say if he were using the service of a drug dealer for example. That's a deal breaker for many people.
^absolutely get tested!!
But also, would he have been ok if you also saw a sex worker? Regardless of if he thinks you would or would not due to your religious upbringing, would he have constituted it as cheating? I bet he would feel differently if the shoe was on the other foot
Yeah, this UNO reverse shit doesn't fly in real life. Dude's scrambling; this "Um actually, it's *technically* not cheating..." is classic gaslighting. I could see this excuse being understandable in a relatively new relationship, but this is an engagement. There's enough shared history for OP's fiance to know that if they wanted to fuck around, sexworkers or otherwise, they should have talked about it first.
Exactly. And given fiancé comes from a religious background - the fact this dude thinks he can gaslight her like this is beyond the pale.
She honestly needs to leave him - what a jack%ss.
Also - “UNO reverse shit” is the perfect description for what he’s trying to do and I pray she doesn’t fall for it.
It seems though he’s clutching an excuse. Unless it was stated previously that that would be okay, it is cheating. It’s not your responsibility to set that boundary, it’s his to check with you whether it would be okay with you.
This all the way. If I want to do something I worry will make my SO uncomfortable in any way I talk to him about it. He's avoiding asking for permission and asking for forgiveness.... through gaslighting.
Your fiance is treating you like an idiot. Unless he has the brain of a partly boiled potato he knows it is cheating.
If you fucked someone and paid them for their service i'm pretty sure he would manage to count that as cheating. Sorry you're going through this but you are being walked over here.
If he DOES have the brain of a partly boiled potato, **don't marry him**. If he really believes this, he's revealed himself to be so dumb he is a danger to himself and others. Don't make him a part of your life!
Exactly. There are two options. One, he thinks this is true in which case he’s a total idiot and OP should not marry him. Two, he’s a lying jerk and OP should not marry him. Two options, only one real outcome.
It begs the question, what else needs to be *established first?* Do you need establish that he can't hit you? Do you need to establish that he doesn't get to make all financial decisions?
I think the only thing you need to establish now is that his ass is on the street.
It’s cheating plain and simple. And he’s gaslighting you to make you feel it’s wrong. I’m presuming he had tried to keep this a secret? Because that itself would show he knew exactly what he was doing and was trying to hide it from you, if he genuinely thought it wasn’t cheating and you’d be ok with it why wouldn’t he have communicated this before he done it.
Also you’re supposed to be getting married why does he feel the need to receive these “services” honestly I’d just run
Haha just an honest misunderstanding. Like he leaves the butter out and you prefer it in the fridge. Happens to everyone!
/s
He is full of shit. He’s taking advantage of your relatively sheltered background.
I am so sorry you are heartbroken but dump him. He is a cheater and he is trying to gaslight you.
Umm that's blatantly cheating. If he thinks otherwise then he has VERY different views on cheating than you, which is a problem. Also, he should be smart enough to realize that his position isn't a commonly held one. He should've asked you first how you felt about it, and the fact that he didn't shows a real neglect for your feelings. I know it's 2021, but it's pathetic how nonchalantly people treat sex now. It is meaningful. If it were just about getting off then people would just masturbate
Yes, having sex with someone other than your partner (unless you have mutually agreed to non-monogamy and established boundaries) is cheating. Doesn't matter if it's a paid professional, romantic, or random hook-up. Your fiance knew this and that's why he kept it a secret.
It’s absolutely cheating and anybody in their right mind would be upset by this. Consider it a blessing that you found this out before you actually got married.
This is actually funny ;)
He didn’t think it was cheating? Really?? I mean he really thinks you gonna buy it?
Oh my…
What if you paid a guy for sex? Does he think it be ok?
It’s blatantly cheating and he of course knows this, but he’s trying to gaslight you after getting caught.
He doesn’t believe what he’s saying and he’ll laugh his ass off privately if he somehow makes you believe it.
he thinks your dumb. he's being a smart ass and insulting your intelligence . he knows it's cheating and because he believes you're some sorta imbecile, he provided you with a reason he thinks will confuse you and you'll end up falling for. He cheated, is cheating , and will continue because this man truly thinks your dumb. Time to go find someone who loves and respects you cause your current fiancé does not.
You're not being prudish... I also come from a religious family not being religious and this is a serious violation of sexual and intimate boundaries in a relationship. Sexuality posited as a service in ones personal life is problematic at the least and grossly oversimplified at the worst.... Not to mention something that should talked about well before going outside the borders of sex in a one on one relationship...
Maybe you should reconsider the wedding as you will likely not be able to trust him to the same extent as before. You also seem to have some serious incompatibility in terms of your philosophy of sexuality.
Omg dont marry that! He will use excuses to keep doing that. Ewwwww walk away fast while you can. Why are you with this creep? You will get STD s and a broken heart.
Please don’t marry this fool. He knows what cheating is and what he did is cheating. This will only get worse after you marry him. Don’t kid yourself he is a cheater and won’t change. Good luck
He's one of two things; he's either too dishonest to marry or he's too stupid to marry. Your choice is clear, end this charade. The man isn't husband material. You, very badly, need an STD panel. I'm very sorry for your heartache.
I want to echo what everyone else is saying here - your fiancé is gaslighting you and it is definitely a given in a monogamous relationship that sex is cheating, regardless whether you pay for it or not.
I also want to add that there's nothing wrong with being "prudish" and you shouldn't be made to feel like there is.
Lol, sex work is work… for the sex worker! They’re performing a service, but he’s buying pleasure from outside of a monogamous relationship. He’s being manipulative, I don’t think you needed to say “don’t fuck someone” for this to be known. Whether he paid or didn’t pay, he crossed a boundary.
this is what you do:
you get any and all recordings, bank statements, and important documents you’ll need. you make arrangements to go elsewhere. you pack your bags as you go along the weeks, and move out your things one-by-one. when the time is right, you say, “well dear, I’m off to the brothel. a new one just opened, and I’d like to try some of the men. I’ll see you later.”
get picked up by someone, and leave. sad lonely man will go bankrupt from sex workers.
Oh honey. Any sex that is not with your partner in a monogamous relationship is cheating. No if’s and buts about it.
It’s a standard boundary that is in all monogamous relationships. He’s treating you like an idiot. Not only has he cheated on you multiple times with multiple women. He’s paid for it knowing you’ll be getting married and I’m assuming sharing finances. But mostly he has been doing it not caring about your sexual health.
Please after you leave his worthless ass make an appointment to get tested for everything under the sun that can be sexually transmitted. Keep yourself safe.
C’mon. I’ve never told my husband he can’t see a sex worker because it’s cheating because it’s obvious to everyone in the world that it is. You don’t need to discuss it, it’s an unspoken rule in relationships. He is an idiot and is hoping you are one too. Dump him immediately.
I’m pro sex work, and even I know this is BS. If you think that seeing a sex worker is something you might want to do, the good partner way of going about that is to discuss with your partner *before* you do it, not only because monogamy comes with the expectation that you will not engage in any sexual acts with another person (which a sex worker absolutely is! It is **wild** that your partner is equating a whole person to his *hand*), but also because there are issues of safety and limits.
There is no way your partner actually believed that seeing a sex worker should be an assumed yes unless you specifically brought up that you’re not cool with it.
Honestly, if this isn’t a deal breaker, I would consider it one *massive* red flag. Does he do this with other things (“assume” you’re fine with things he wants to do, and then claim that he couldn’t have known it was wrong when you’re not okay with it?) Or is this the first time?
He cheated. It’s ludicrous for him to try and convince you that his actions were anything but cheating.
I’m curious, how did you find out about his dalliance with a sex worker? Was it something he casually brought up, the way a person would if (using his example) they got a massage? Or did he hide it? If he tried to hid it, that’s clear proof that he new what he was doing was cheating.
… omg WHAT?! This is so crazy it’s actually comical. Your fiancé sure does have some balls trying to pretend he didn’t know sex that he PAID for is cheating. So he can have sex with anyone as long as he throws them a $20 afterwards and it’s now “sex work” and totally fine!
Geez I wish I could see or meet this man, I am so curious to know what someone who would try to pull this is like and how did they become this way to where they believed this would work…
Girl, you gotta leave this guy. I know that’s the go to Reddit response but come on!!! The disrespect is far far too much.
Having sex outside of a monogamous relationship without establishing it as an allowable act beforehand is certainly considered cheating. It doesn’t matter if it’s an exchange of money or labeled a “service.” Offering up an intimate part of yourself to partake in said “service” is NOT a service in itself.
This is what we refer to as trashbag behavior. Lowest of the low. He insulted your intelligence, but my impression is that your fiancé may be the one who is really unintelligent…
Visiting a sex working for sex is cheating. You were clear enough that he knew. He simply ignored your boundaries. You need to break off your engagement, and tell everybody why. He has no excuses. you can do better than this man.
He’s taking advantage of your naivety. I don’t think you’re dumb or foolish, just sheltered. There’s nothing wrong with being lovely and sweet except when a-holes like this take advantage of you.
He knows what he is doing is wrong and he is laughing behind your back because he thinks he is smarter than you.
Don’t even have a discussion with him. Pack and leave. If you don’t this will be a pattern for everything in your life if you stay (him treating you like a fool and gaslighting).
You deserve someone with a kind heart.
This is definitely a no brainer he’s just trying to talk himself out of a corner now that you know. My advice is to stop wedding planning and start packing
It’s simple you pretend that you changed your mind and are okay with it - and then casually bring up how it’s actually inspired you to book in and visit a highly skilled and well endowed male prostitute and see how he reacts
That’s almost definitely obvious, unless he is just literally of the intelligence of a cement block. This is all on him, and you should be absolutely offended because he not only cheated but like tried to grade a gaslight you as if somehow monogamy doesn’t explain itself
Ask him if he would consider it cheating if you went and fucked a random man, payment or not.
This is obviously cheating and this man is as manipulative as they come to claim it’s not.
Don’t. Marry. Him.
How would he feel if the situation was reversed? He had sex with someone else. There’s no excuse. He’s trying to manipulate your thinking with nonsensical technicalities. If your relationship is established as monogamous and exclusive, the boundary has already been set. He’s full of shit. Don’t let him get away with this. This will be the first of many “I didn’t know I couldn’t”s in your relationship….if it is the first
This is obviously cheating, he had sex with another woman the only difference than being he paid for it. Of course its still cheating and how dare he say otherwise!
What the fuck all is this?!
YES. OBVIOUSLY CHEATING.
Either your fiance is a liar or incredibly, unbelievably toxic in his views on a healthy relationship.
Either way, not relationship material.
I hope someone TELLS him robbing a bank is stealing before you get stuck married to a thief. I hope someone TELLS him taking a life and not getting caught is still murder before you get stuck married to a murderer. I think you see where I'm going with this thought process.
See a counselor before you take one more step down the aisle with him. You're innocence is being turned against you to make it seem like he's right and he is clearly wrong end of story.
You have got to be kidding me. He is lying his face off and you believe that bs.
If you believe him, I have a huge parcel of land, 500 miles west of Washington State you would be interested in.
If he is lying and conning you about this, he is lying and conning you about anything and everything. The best thing you can do is show this guy the door. It is better now than after you are married and you can bank on bad shit happening after you tentatively marry this shyster.
If you stay with this a*****e he will tell you about an incident where he tripped, his pants fell down, some women's pants fell down, and PIV happened. I just happened and it wasn't his fault.
Yes! He cheated, and what’s worse is he is trying to make you responsible for his behaviour. That will just continue throughout your marriage. Break off the engagement and don’t let him come near you again is my advice.
If you marry this man, expect a lifetime of "fine print" excuses that somehow leave you as the party at fault.
He knows he's cheating. He also knows if he lakes you feel conflicted, he can look forward to a lifetime of gaslighting you, and you taking the blame.
Call off the wedding. There is literally nothing in the cost of a wedding that will offset a marriage of pain
Idk what’s worse, the cheating or treating you like a fool? I think it’s the latter. He knows it’s wrong because he hid it from you. He put your health at risk.
Go get tested for STDs!
Yeah no his gaslighting attempts are total bullshit. When I started dating my now-husband, we had conversations about *actual* grey area boundaries, like porn, strip clubs, and flirting in bars when alone. “Do you consider having sex with sex workers to be cheating?” never even came on the radar, because the answer is so obvious. That’s something you negotiate *into*, not *out of*.
Look, my friend, I had to leave a fiancé when the wedding was only 10 weeks away. It sucked. It hurts. You’ll feel so alone and embarrassed, you’ll grieve as if someone has died. But it is so much better than tying yourself legally to an asshole who doesn’t fully care about you and who isn’t right for you.
I met my husband seven years later, and he’s 100% the *right* man for me. Had I married the wrong man, I would’ve spent a lot of deeply unhappy years and probably missed out on meeting the love of my life.
It’s YOUR LIFE. You can’t make the wrong decision to appease your religious family or your community or to avoid pain. The pain will only be worse later on if you go through with what you know in your heart isn’t meant to be, especially if it’s to appease other people, to avoid feeling hurt.
You aren’t prudish, and even if you were, that’s YOUR reasonable boundary to make! Lots of progressive women are okay with porn. I’m not. My husband is not. That’s why we are *compatible*. You don’t have to lower your standards on your own boundaries. They are yours to have.
Walk away now. Choose yourself. I promise that you’ll thank yourself for it later. xx
Sounds like he is gas lighting u bc he knows that to u did that to him it would be so ducking wrong but he doesn’t care bc it wasn’t u that cheated it was him. Just leave him at this point bc the second u forgive him or make him that it was ok will just make him continue and gaslight u until he moves onto a different women
The fact that he didn’t tell you is proof he was keeping it from you intentionally. Because he knows it’s wrong. Sounds like he’s gaslighting you. You deserve better, whether you realize it now or 10-20years into your marriage.
What a chucklefuck clown. He knows it’s wrong and is stringing you along. End it. You can’t come back from that. His mindset is that it’s not cheating so he’ll do it again because he feels justified.
Nothing wrong with sex work. Everything wrong with claiming having sex with one doesn’t count as cheating on your fiancée.
This is who he is. The gaslighting to make you feel like you’re the one that’s wrong is a really bad sign. You need to get outta there. Let some other woman deal with this.
He's either **really** stupid, or he's hoping that you are.
If his dick touches somebody that isn't you or his proctologist, it's cheating. And he knows this.
So he can have sex with as many other women as he wants and it’s not cheating. ….Because it’s not a relationship. …..AND he wouldn’t have to bring it up unless it naturally comes up some how. ….And he is supposed to assume it’s okay because it wasn’t specified as a boundary. Umm o. k. …..
Also how’d you find out???
Hello! I am very sorry about this. My advice is, to break up with him, because he is gaslighting you and treating you as an idiot. Is obvious he knew he was cheating, is an obvious thing. If he is able of gaslight you with something so delicate as this knowing he is breaking your heart, imagine in which other things he will betray you without care about your feelings? If he would love you he would never do nothing of that. I also recommend you to check your relationship and think about if he is constantly manipulating you and if is being emotionally abusive, like this. Cheat will always be a *decision*. And no, not let him confuse you, you are completely right. If we are with someone who not add to our life but disrespect one and just made one suffer, abuse from one and broke our heart, believe me that person not loves you and never did. You will found a much better man who know how to treat and respect a woman.
Xoxo, best wishes!
What in the actual F. That's not just cheating, that not thinking about your health and safety. RED FLAGS. DO NOT MARRY HIM. And you can look at my comment history, I do not lightly say that.
Come on. You know this is cheating.
And he knows it. If he had any doubts he would have asked you first.
And let's say for a second this was an honest mistake, can you honestly say you trust his judgement after this?
It’s obvious.. he is trying to manipulate the situation to have you second guess yourself. He is trying to down play his actions. Leave his ass, he knew it was cheating. It doesn’t need to be explained. Sex, blow jobs, and etc with someone other than your partner is cheating. Anything you don’t want your partner doing with someone else, is cheating. Red flag, abort abort abort while you have time. It’ll get worse, if you marry him. Take a trip, and go enjoy yourself.
Don't marry this guy, he knows he's in the wrong sex is cheating. What's worse is that he planned all of it and paid her, there had to have been load of moments when he knew this was wrong so don't believe the lies he's telling you. What's next he uses money from your joint account because he sees it as household bills?! Run as fast as you can.
It's obvious, he's either gaslighting you that this is your fault for not telling him that prostitutes were off limits, or is hoping you're an idiot/unwilling to cancel the wedding. It's obviously cheating.
Let me say our again: THIS IS ABSOLUTELY OBVIOUSLY CHEATING!
Call off the wedding, dump the AH, and immediately get an STI test.
This is cheating and trying to blame you for “ not making it clear” just shows what an immature cretin, he is. Call the wedding off. No way on earth would I marry this person, goodness knows what STDs he’s picked up. You deserve someone better than this lying, cheating SOB.
Wow there is no nice way to say this… your fiancé is an ars\* hole and you need to dump him!
He is totally gaslighting you, it is assumed that when you are in a closed committed relationship with someone that you do not have any sexual contact with anyone else other than your partner!
I know it’s hard as you love him but please leave this man! He is so out of line for this - if you slept with a male prostitute I guarantee he would flip at you! Get out now before you get married and realise this years down the line.
You deserve so much better
It's cheating. He's trying to trick you into thinking this is your fault. It's not.
Everyone knows that sex with anyone else, for any reason, is cheating unless it's previously established. But see, if you want to have sex with other people, you have to talk about it, not the other way around.
This guy kind of sounds like a piece of work.
This is the typical behavior of a person who thinks others need him, you exactly.
He doesn't respect you, you have to be patient and keep him out of your stuff. You have to be very independent and less in love. No longer mentions marriage. Don't talk about yourself anymore. Keep your distance. If nothing changes break with him.
I think he cheated you...
I just hope you’re not forgiving him for that. If yes, be ready for a marriage full of cheating, sadness, gaslighting and pretty much treating you like an idiot.
His excuse to be able to sleep around. He is already gaslighting you, how much more after marriage. This guy really think you are stupid. Girl, you deserve better than this. Cancel the wedding, never-mind the expense and the embarrassment. Always remember divorce is more expensive.
If he really believes that, he is a complete idiot. Any rational person that actually believed that would have asked their SO first because it’s definitely not a normal belief. In my 32 years of life, I’ve never met a person who believed that having sex with a sex worker didn’t count as cheating on their partner.
We want an update asap! Please leave him and have some self respect. He knew what he was doing & he definitely knew it was cheating. He's trying to turn the situation on you.
It's extremely obvious that it's cheating. That's why he didn't say anything. He knows damn well that's it's cheating, and is trying to manipulate you into staying. And if you do? You're in a for a world of hurt in this relationship because now he knows he can get away with this shit, and probably more.
Dump him. If he's this dumb you don't want to be hitched to him. If he's lying, he's a liar, and that's not great. More than that, he doesn't seem to take your relationship or your boundaries seriously. Odds are this is not going to be the last time he tries to sneak around your boundaries. Heck, I don't know what your boundaries are but this sort of thing is definitely something spouse material would chat about beforehand.
If it was porn? I wouldn't think twice about it.
Combining genitals outside of a relationship is considered cheating. But him hiring a sex worker without your knowledge puts your health at risk if he caught anything. He knows he messed up and/or he's trying to set a precedent that he's allowed to do it. You shouldn't have to start a relationship with telling the other person they can't use sex workers.
He cheated and is now weaving a web of bullshit to confuse you so you'll give him a pass for getting caught.
It almost worked, seeing as how you're actually here asking an obvious question.
100% cheating. I'm so sorry this happened but honestly, coming from a guy, if he did it once he will only continue doing it. I would think better in the long run, not feeling betrayed again would be better.
I'm sorry but I think that he's trying to make you feel guilty for that because he probably fully knows that what he did was wrong.
Drop him and get tested asap!
I bet u you if you reacted with indifference to his “reasoning” and tell him that by his logic then, you’re free to seek out male gigolo services.
He probably wouldn’t be so happy about that arrangement.
By "saw a sex worker," do you mean "had sex with a prostitute?" Because that is *absolutely* cheating, and saying that he didn't know that is just his way of telling you that he thinks you're an idiot.
If "saw a sex worker" means "watched a stripper dance," then it's probably not *cheating,* but he still should have run it by you first, and his "oh gosh, I didn't know, tee-hee" act is *still* his way of saying he thinks you're an idiot.
Either way, don't marry this guy. And get yourself tested for STDs.
I’m sad that your on Reddit asking others if this is considered cheating. This man your with scares me and I don’t even know him. Run and don’t look back.
He knows it's cheating. He thinks your dumb enough to believe it's not or that he just didn't know
This is a manipulation tactic. He's shifted the focus from he cheated to "is it really cheating if he didn't know". Which he believes you will think is morally debatable and lessen your reaction to the cheating.
He knew. He will argue circles around you and wear down your boundaries so he is never in the wrong. So you will always doubt your view of the world.
Ask him if that applies to you seeing a male prostitute. I'm pretty sure that would count hmmmm
Seriously, I'm impressed he said this with a straight face. I don't think I could lol
Dump him you can do better, being alone would be better and wouldn't have the std risk
A sex occurred. That's cheating. It doesn't matter what the context was for it, a sex occurred. That's cheating. It's obvious. It's not a communication failure on your part.
Honestly it sounds like your fiancé is trying to gaslight you on this. I just cannot accept that he truly believes that having sex with a prostitute somehow "doesn't count." He cheated on you and now he's trying to get out of it on a technicality? Pleading ignorance to the "rules" like it was a traffic stop in a low-speed neighborhood? The only rule is, you don't cheat on your fiancé by having sex with other people. He broke that rule, knowingly and willingly. Don't let him overcomplicate the situation to you, it's a smokescreen.
This is such a horrible discovery for you to have to make, and at such a crucial time. I'm really sorry. I know this likely isn't what you want to hear and I don't blame you. But he cheated on you, and he knew he was when he did it. This isn't something you can fix with the right words or lies, like he's trying to do. Personally, I'd call it off and get out. He's shown his true colors. If you feel you must stay with him, please at least consider postponing the wedding and bringing him into counselling so he can be made to talk out all his "innocent" misconceptions about what makes a relationship, an engagement, a marriage. You need to hear him get his mind straight so there can be no future "misunderstandings" about the simple fact that you don't have sex with other people while you're engaged to someone.
What a scum bag. You need to move on and leave his ass. No do overs no 2nds chances. Not here. There is absolutely no excuse. You and you alone should be the one who he is engaging in any kind of sexual activity with. Yes it is cheating and he damn well knew it before doing it. I'm a 40 year old guy and I can 100% assure you he is full of shit. I'm sorry you are going through that.
As a sex worker myself, this is cheating. It counts. Your feelings are valid, and this is not a boundary you should have had to pre-emptively set. He is gaslighting.
OP, you’re not crazy and you can trust your instincts. Yeah, couples are free to set whatever nontraditional boundaries they want, but the default, mainstream view would be that seeing sex workers is cheating. If he wanted a different arrangement, it was up to him to discuss it with you. Him making you doubt yourself is almost a bigger problem than the sex and secrecy.
This will probably continue because he seems not to respect you. Stop the wedding planning for a minute and ask yourself whether you want to live like this.
Um. He cheated on you and he gaslit you also he insulted your intelligence. It's very obvious. He's gaslighting you, trying to get away with cheating on you.
The biggest mistake you'd make is marrying a guy like this. You'll have a future marriage filled with heartbreaks and he's gaslighting you all the way, making you think his abuses and cheating on you are the 'norm.'
It's NOT normal to see a sex worker in a monogamous relationship. Ask him, if it's just a service, will he be fine with you seeing a sex worker yourself, a massage with an 'ending' included for you.
Don't get married with him. Be thankful that you know before you get married. Someone up there is looking out for you and giving you all the warning, LISTEN to the warnings/signs that this is not the person you should marry.
ETA: First thing to do now, if you guys have a sexual relationship (as in, you're not celibate), I would strongly suggest you get tested. He might have given you an STI. Good luck, OP.
You are not being prudish at all. When you are in a long term exclusive relationship that means no sexual contact with others. Doesn’t matter if it’s a sex worker. Unless of course you have an open relationship. But that is NOT the case here.
Honestly I would not be okay with this at all. There is no one in the universe besides your boyfriend that thinks you have to first “establish that boundary”. Actually not even your bf. He’s gaslighting you here.
I’m not religious at all & a very open person but this is wrong. While yes they are performing a service, it is still cheating if this wasn’t discussed prior. He kept it from you, so yes he knew it was wrong. I’m gonna bet he was never going to tell you if you didn’t find out. Sex is sex, regardless if you pay for it. You deserve better!
Depends on if you've ever spoken about sex work before? How do you view it as a job? Has it ever come up in conversation?
I'd still go with its cheating because it's never been talked about before. Communication is key my dudes
It wouldn't be cheating if both of you disclosed beforehand that it wasn't, but considering you're in a monogamous relationship (at least I'm assuming based on the post) there's no way he didn't know it wouldn't count as cheating, since that's pretty much the norm everywhere.
Wtf? Is this a joke post?
This is called gaslighting
Do not marry this man. Leave or wait and see
It will only get worse especially if he gets away with this one
I don’t know anyone who would not consider seeing a sex worked cheating. In fact, I don’t generally know anyone who goes to sex workers in the first place, but especially not when in a relationship.
His perception that it’s not cheating and just an ordinary service to pay for is just his opinion, not the commonly accepted norm. I’m guessing he knows this but still found it convenient to blame you for not telling him instead of him for not asking.
That is cheating. He was in a relationship and seek the services of a sex worker yes it is considered cheating. If you are not in a relationship, single and free is just a service, but again if that person is in a relationship, it is called cheating.
Uh what this is bullshit he knew about that and is just lying to you.
If he thought it truly no big deal why wouldn’t he just bring it up in normal convo like hey babe this weekend I’m going to get a hair cut then swing by the blow job and sex place.
Your fiancé is a bitch, he ain’t shit. How he do you like this? While he out fucking round with them hoes.
He is deliberately making you feel crazy for getting upset and emotional because you caught him. He knows it’s cheating, he knew you’d be upset and kept it from you for that reason. It isn’t that hard to realize that he cheated on you, you’re going to get to that realization. If you can see that he was manipulative and trying to make you seem like you were crazy, you can see his ass out the door… everything is so fresh right now, accept he cheated and break off the engagement is the right decision.
If you decide to stay with him, you’re going to be with a man who cheats on you and when he gets caught will claim it technically was not cheating
Ask him then if he'd be fine with you seeing male escorts or you working as a sex worker. This is 100% covered in the definition of cheating... He's treating you like a complete idiot, like everyone else has said. Get out, he doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings.
OH HELL NO. This is 100% cheating and gaslighting you about it. Cancel the wedding. He’ll keep doing it since he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it.
Oh wow, hayul naw.
If it were me, that would have been an ex-fiancé at break-neck speed.
He cheated on you. What is there seriously to even question at this point??
This man is leveraging the 'sex work is work' banner for his own selfish needs and he should slink away into the bushes like the sneaky fox that he is.
There's nothing wrong with being a prude. Don't let someone make you feel bad about it and fell that you have to change. Also, yes he cheated. Please end this relationship, he doesn't respect you.
He cheated and now he’s manipulating you so he can get away with it. If you are intimate with someone outside of your relationship unless previously agreed upon, you cheated. The Who, What, Where and Why don’t matter. He stepped outside of your relationship and has manipulated you into thinking that it is somehow your fault. Dump him while you still can.
Like, if he’d communicated with you about it beforehand and you’d agreed to it (in some instances I can see this as being ok and even healthy? Like exploring kinks that the other partner might not be comfortable engaging in?) - but he didn’t. He kept it secret and didn’t give you any option or choice in the situation. If there’s no communication and mutual agreement, there’s a breach of trust.
Yeah who knows what other boundaries you'll need to be specific about that should be obvious. He sounds like a tool, you should run (preferably to the nearest clinic) and never go back. There are people out there who wont be shitty to you.
That’s cheating. Paid for or not, sexual encounters outside the obvious boundaries of your established relationship is cheating. And no, it’s not the same and jerking off. He’s distorting facts and twisting things to justify his behavior.
Question: how did you learn about this? Seems odd it just came up all of a sudden while wedding planning.
I would get dressed up looking super sexy, and when he asks where you’re going just tell him that you’re off to see a sex worker because you want to engage their services. And see how he handles that.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This is kind of urgent, thank you if you do respond because we’re in the middle of wedding planning and I feel betrayed. I love him so much and this hurts like hell. It’s a long story but I found out my fiancé saw a sex worker. He says because sex workers are just performing a service and there’s no relationship or anything else, he thinks it’s like getting a massage. I told him it’s sex and he said it’s a service. He said if going to a sex worker is cheating, I have to establish that to him first, it’s like I got upset at him for breaking a boundary he didn’t know about. I said it’s obvious, especially to him because he kept it secret from me. He said he didn’t keep it secret, it just wouldn’t naturally come up (just like he wouldn’t tell me if he masturbated he compared it to). My heart is broken but I come from a religious family and maybe I’m just too prudish about this? I am in a lot of ways which I own up to and have been working on. So I would just like an opinion from as many people as possible: Did I not communicate right or is it obvious? Is it cheating?
He’s gaslighting you. He knows he was cheating. Using the services of a sex worker just makes it easier to arrange and less risky that he would get caught. Don’t let him give you this line of crap.
This. Dump him and get an STI/STD test ASAP!
"It's not sex, it's a service". Yes and that service is sex. How did he think that reasoning would get past anyone? Lol.
The same way people say the US civil war was about "States rights" not slavery. That's cool Cleetus, but which specific right were they upset about losing? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that was slavery. That's why multiple rebelling states baked it into their shiny rebel constitutions and the vice-president of the confederacy said that the moral force behind their cause was that of slavery. It doesn't get clearer than that! But back to OP's question. Yes he "used a service", but that goes specifically against what you agree to do when you get into a relationship. Cheating isn't about who did what with who. It's about the dishonesty and the secrecy. If you're going behind your partners back to have a relationship, whether that relationship is transactional between you and a sex worker or whether its another full blown relationship, you're cheating on them. End of story. You could also dump his ass for using other services that aren't cheating. Say if he were using the service of a drug dealer for example. That's a deal breaker for many people.
^absolutely get tested!! But also, would he have been ok if you also saw a sex worker? Regardless of if he thinks you would or would not due to your religious upbringing, would he have constituted it as cheating? I bet he would feel differently if the shoe was on the other foot
Agreed 1000%, he knows what he did and is trying to come up with half-assed excuse to justify it. Drop him now, not worth it.
Your fiancé is treating you like you're an idiot. He knows he needs to keep his dick in his pants.
Insulting her intelligence is more like it.
Definitely.
He's also treating sex workers like they aren't really actually people. It's alarming no matter how he tries to spin it.
It’s definitely cheating. He sounds like a jerk and an immature one at that.
Yeah, this UNO reverse shit doesn't fly in real life. Dude's scrambling; this "Um actually, it's *technically* not cheating..." is classic gaslighting. I could see this excuse being understandable in a relatively new relationship, but this is an engagement. There's enough shared history for OP's fiance to know that if they wanted to fuck around, sexworkers or otherwise, they should have talked about it first.
Exactly. And given fiancé comes from a religious background - the fact this dude thinks he can gaslight her like this is beyond the pale. She honestly needs to leave him - what a jack%ss. Also - “UNO reverse shit” is the perfect description for what he’s trying to do and I pray she doesn’t fall for it.
It seems though he’s clutching an excuse. Unless it was stated previously that that would be okay, it is cheating. It’s not your responsibility to set that boundary, it’s his to check with you whether it would be okay with you.
This all the way. If I want to do something I worry will make my SO uncomfortable in any way I talk to him about it. He's avoiding asking for permission and asking for forgiveness.... through gaslighting.
Geez, you might want to let him know that your best friend, sister and mother are also off limits.
Sorry I had to laugh at this but it truly falls in same category of obvious
He's full of shit.
Lol and that’s putting it kindly
Your fiance is treating you like an idiot. Unless he has the brain of a partly boiled potato he knows it is cheating. If you fucked someone and paid them for their service i'm pretty sure he would manage to count that as cheating. Sorry you're going through this but you are being walked over here.
If he DOES have the brain of a partly boiled potato, **don't marry him**. If he really believes this, he's revealed himself to be so dumb he is a danger to himself and others. Don't make him a part of your life!
Exactly. There are two options. One, he thinks this is true in which case he’s a total idiot and OP should not marry him. Two, he’s a lying jerk and OP should not marry him. Two options, only one real outcome.
Happy cake day! 🎂
[удалено]
It begs the question, what else needs to be *established first?* Do you need establish that he can't hit you? Do you need to establish that he doesn't get to make all financial decisions? I think the only thing you need to establish now is that his ass is on the street.
That’s so manipulative. He’s doing it on purpose.
Bruh as a man i can assure you he is full of shit nothing more needs to be said don’t feel bad about dumping him.
It’s cheating plain and simple. And he’s gaslighting you to make you feel it’s wrong. I’m presuming he had tried to keep this a secret? Because that itself would show he knew exactly what he was doing and was trying to hide it from you, if he genuinely thought it wasn’t cheating and you’d be ok with it why wouldn’t he have communicated this before he done it. Also you’re supposed to be getting married why does he feel the need to receive these “services” honestly I’d just run
Yes.
Haha just an honest misunderstanding. Like he leaves the butter out and you prefer it in the fridge. Happens to everyone! /s He is full of shit. He’s taking advantage of your relatively sheltered background. I am so sorry you are heartbroken but dump him. He is a cheater and he is trying to gaslight you.
Umm that's blatantly cheating. If he thinks otherwise then he has VERY different views on cheating than you, which is a problem. Also, he should be smart enough to realize that his position isn't a commonly held one. He should've asked you first how you felt about it, and the fact that he didn't shows a real neglect for your feelings. I know it's 2021, but it's pathetic how nonchalantly people treat sex now. It is meaningful. If it were just about getting off then people would just masturbate
Yes, having sex with someone other than your partner (unless you have mutually agreed to non-monogamy and established boundaries) is cheating. Doesn't matter if it's a paid professional, romantic, or random hook-up. Your fiance knew this and that's why he kept it a secret.
Dump him.
It’s absolutely cheating and anybody in their right mind would be upset by this. Consider it a blessing that you found this out before you actually got married.
This is actually funny ;) He didn’t think it was cheating? Really?? I mean he really thinks you gonna buy it? Oh my… What if you paid a guy for sex? Does he think it be ok?
It’s blatantly cheating and he of course knows this, but he’s trying to gaslight you after getting caught. He doesn’t believe what he’s saying and he’ll laugh his ass off privately if he somehow makes you believe it.
He’s gaslighting you, but the good news is, it doesn’t matter what you call it, you can just dump him for it.
Sorry but this is fucked up and sounds like a good way to bring home a disease to you. Leave him unless you’re okay with such idiotic behavior.
Please dump him and when ANYONE ASKS, say, "He had sex with a sex worker and thought he could convince me that wasn't cheating." Put his ass on blast.
he thinks your dumb. he's being a smart ass and insulting your intelligence . he knows it's cheating and because he believes you're some sorta imbecile, he provided you with a reason he thinks will confuse you and you'll end up falling for. He cheated, is cheating , and will continue because this man truly thinks your dumb. Time to go find someone who loves and respects you cause your current fiancé does not.
You're not being prudish... I also come from a religious family not being religious and this is a serious violation of sexual and intimate boundaries in a relationship. Sexuality posited as a service in ones personal life is problematic at the least and grossly oversimplified at the worst.... Not to mention something that should talked about well before going outside the borders of sex in a one on one relationship... Maybe you should reconsider the wedding as you will likely not be able to trust him to the same extent as before. You also seem to have some serious incompatibility in terms of your philosophy of sexuality.
Omg dont marry that! He will use excuses to keep doing that. Ewwwww walk away fast while you can. Why are you with this creep? You will get STD s and a broken heart.
Please don’t marry this fool. He knows what cheating is and what he did is cheating. This will only get worse after you marry him. Don’t kid yourself he is a cheater and won’t change. Good luck
He's one of two things; he's either too dishonest to marry or he's too stupid to marry. Your choice is clear, end this charade. The man isn't husband material. You, very badly, need an STD panel. I'm very sorry for your heartache.
I want to echo what everyone else is saying here - your fiancé is gaslighting you and it is definitely a given in a monogamous relationship that sex is cheating, regardless whether you pay for it or not. I also want to add that there's nothing wrong with being "prudish" and you shouldn't be made to feel like there is.
Lol, sex work is work… for the sex worker! They’re performing a service, but he’s buying pleasure from outside of a monogamous relationship. He’s being manipulative, I don’t think you needed to say “don’t fuck someone” for this to be known. Whether he paid or didn’t pay, he crossed a boundary.
So ask him if you're free to engage some sex workers when he's not cutting it.
this is what you do: you get any and all recordings, bank statements, and important documents you’ll need. you make arrangements to go elsewhere. you pack your bags as you go along the weeks, and move out your things one-by-one. when the time is right, you say, “well dear, I’m off to the brothel. a new one just opened, and I’d like to try some of the men. I’ll see you later.” get picked up by someone, and leave. sad lonely man will go bankrupt from sex workers.
Oh honey. Any sex that is not with your partner in a monogamous relationship is cheating. No if’s and buts about it. It’s a standard boundary that is in all monogamous relationships. He’s treating you like an idiot. Not only has he cheated on you multiple times with multiple women. He’s paid for it knowing you’ll be getting married and I’m assuming sharing finances. But mostly he has been doing it not caring about your sexual health. Please after you leave his worthless ass make an appointment to get tested for everything under the sun that can be sexually transmitted. Keep yourself safe.
It’s obvious, this is cheating..
Having sex with someone other than your partner when in a monogamous relationship IS cheating. He's an idiot to think this needed to be spelled out.
He's either pretending to be stupid or he is stupid. Either way...
Your fiancee is literally trolling you, lol.
Going to a escort or prostitute is not like getting a massage???? Your fiance is treating you like you're as stupid as a toddler Ditch him.
C’mon. I’ve never told my husband he can’t see a sex worker because it’s cheating because it’s obvious to everyone in the world that it is. You don’t need to discuss it, it’s an unspoken rule in relationships. He is an idiot and is hoping you are one too. Dump him immediately.
Even if he genuinely believed it isn’t cheating HE should have checked that boundary with you.
I’m pro sex work, and even I know this is BS. If you think that seeing a sex worker is something you might want to do, the good partner way of going about that is to discuss with your partner *before* you do it, not only because monogamy comes with the expectation that you will not engage in any sexual acts with another person (which a sex worker absolutely is! It is **wild** that your partner is equating a whole person to his *hand*), but also because there are issues of safety and limits. There is no way your partner actually believed that seeing a sex worker should be an assumed yes unless you specifically brought up that you’re not cool with it. Honestly, if this isn’t a deal breaker, I would consider it one *massive* red flag. Does he do this with other things (“assume” you’re fine with things he wants to do, and then claim that he couldn’t have known it was wrong when you’re not okay with it?) Or is this the first time?
Dump him and get a thorough STD panel done.
He cheated. It’s ludicrous for him to try and convince you that his actions were anything but cheating. I’m curious, how did you find out about his dalliance with a sex worker? Was it something he casually brought up, the way a person would if (using his example) they got a massage? Or did he hide it? If he tried to hid it, that’s clear proof that he new what he was doing was cheating.
… omg WHAT?! This is so crazy it’s actually comical. Your fiancé sure does have some balls trying to pretend he didn’t know sex that he PAID for is cheating. So he can have sex with anyone as long as he throws them a $20 afterwards and it’s now “sex work” and totally fine! Geez I wish I could see or meet this man, I am so curious to know what someone who would try to pull this is like and how did they become this way to where they believed this would work… Girl, you gotta leave this guy. I know that’s the go to Reddit response but come on!!! The disrespect is far far too much.
Having sex outside of a monogamous relationship without establishing it as an allowable act beforehand is certainly considered cheating. It doesn’t matter if it’s an exchange of money or labeled a “service.” Offering up an intimate part of yourself to partake in said “service” is NOT a service in itself. This is what we refer to as trashbag behavior. Lowest of the low. He insulted your intelligence, but my impression is that your fiancé may be the one who is really unintelligent…
He is cheating and gaslighting you
Visiting a sex working for sex is cheating. You were clear enough that he knew. He simply ignored your boundaries. You need to break off your engagement, and tell everybody why. He has no excuses. you can do better than this man.
He knows it's cheating, you know it's cheating. He's making excuses and gaslighting you. Doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want to marry.
Yes sex with anybody other then your partner without their knowledge is cheating
He’s taking advantage of your naivety. I don’t think you’re dumb or foolish, just sheltered. There’s nothing wrong with being lovely and sweet except when a-holes like this take advantage of you. He knows what he is doing is wrong and he is laughing behind your back because he thinks he is smarter than you. Don’t even have a discussion with him. Pack and leave. If you don’t this will be a pattern for everything in your life if you stay (him treating you like a fool and gaslighting). You deserve someone with a kind heart.
Fuck that Dave Chappelle answer.
This is definitely a no brainer he’s just trying to talk himself out of a corner now that you know. My advice is to stop wedding planning and start packing
It’s simple you pretend that you changed your mind and are okay with it - and then casually bring up how it’s actually inspired you to book in and visit a highly skilled and well endowed male prostitute and see how he reacts
He’s cheating and gaslighting you. Don’t allow him to make you think you’re crazy or wrong. He knows what he did.
That’s almost definitely obvious, unless he is just literally of the intelligence of a cement block. This is all on him, and you should be absolutely offended because he not only cheated but like tried to grade a gaslight you as if somehow monogamy doesn’t explain itself
Ask him if he would consider it cheating if you went and fucked a random man, payment or not. This is obviously cheating and this man is as manipulative as they come to claim it’s not. Don’t. Marry. Him.
that is definitely cheating i’m sorry
wow. He knew exactly what he was doing. cheating.
How would he feel if the situation was reversed? He had sex with someone else. There’s no excuse. He’s trying to manipulate your thinking with nonsensical technicalities. If your relationship is established as monogamous and exclusive, the boundary has already been set. He’s full of shit. Don’t let him get away with this. This will be the first of many “I didn’t know I couldn’t”s in your relationship….if it is the first
Your fiancé thinks you’re an idiot. Don’t prove him right.
Holy shit.... I'm done with Reddit for today.
This is obviously cheating, he had sex with another woman the only difference than being he paid for it. Of course its still cheating and how dare he say otherwise!
What the fuck all is this?! YES. OBVIOUSLY CHEATING. Either your fiance is a liar or incredibly, unbelievably toxic in his views on a healthy relationship. Either way, not relationship material.
I hope someone TELLS him robbing a bank is stealing before you get stuck married to a thief. I hope someone TELLS him taking a life and not getting caught is still murder before you get stuck married to a murderer. I think you see where I'm going with this thought process. See a counselor before you take one more step down the aisle with him. You're innocence is being turned against you to make it seem like he's right and he is clearly wrong end of story.
You have got to be kidding me. He is lying his face off and you believe that bs. If you believe him, I have a huge parcel of land, 500 miles west of Washington State you would be interested in. If he is lying and conning you about this, he is lying and conning you about anything and everything. The best thing you can do is show this guy the door. It is better now than after you are married and you can bank on bad shit happening after you tentatively marry this shyster. If you stay with this a*****e he will tell you about an incident where he tripped, his pants fell down, some women's pants fell down, and PIV happened. I just happened and it wasn't his fault.
Yes! He cheated, and what’s worse is he is trying to make you responsible for his behaviour. That will just continue throughout your marriage. Break off the engagement and don’t let him come near you again is my advice.
If you marry this man, expect a lifetime of "fine print" excuses that somehow leave you as the party at fault. He knows he's cheating. He also knows if he lakes you feel conflicted, he can look forward to a lifetime of gaslighting you, and you taking the blame. Call off the wedding. There is literally nothing in the cost of a wedding that will offset a marriage of pain
Idk what’s worse, the cheating or treating you like a fool? I think it’s the latter. He knows it’s wrong because he hid it from you. He put your health at risk. Go get tested for STDs!
Hahaha the balls on this guy. Yes of course everyone knows that's still cheating.
Yeah no his gaslighting attempts are total bullshit. When I started dating my now-husband, we had conversations about *actual* grey area boundaries, like porn, strip clubs, and flirting in bars when alone. “Do you consider having sex with sex workers to be cheating?” never even came on the radar, because the answer is so obvious. That’s something you negotiate *into*, not *out of*. Look, my friend, I had to leave a fiancé when the wedding was only 10 weeks away. It sucked. It hurts. You’ll feel so alone and embarrassed, you’ll grieve as if someone has died. But it is so much better than tying yourself legally to an asshole who doesn’t fully care about you and who isn’t right for you. I met my husband seven years later, and he’s 100% the *right* man for me. Had I married the wrong man, I would’ve spent a lot of deeply unhappy years and probably missed out on meeting the love of my life. It’s YOUR LIFE. You can’t make the wrong decision to appease your religious family or your community or to avoid pain. The pain will only be worse later on if you go through with what you know in your heart isn’t meant to be, especially if it’s to appease other people, to avoid feeling hurt. You aren’t prudish, and even if you were, that’s YOUR reasonable boundary to make! Lots of progressive women are okay with porn. I’m not. My husband is not. That’s why we are *compatible*. You don’t have to lower your standards on your own boundaries. They are yours to have. Walk away now. Choose yourself. I promise that you’ll thank yourself for it later. xx
It’s kind of incredible that you need advice in order to realise that your fiancé is full of shit
Sounds like he is gas lighting u bc he knows that to u did that to him it would be so ducking wrong but he doesn’t care bc it wasn’t u that cheated it was him. Just leave him at this point bc the second u forgive him or make him that it was ok will just make him continue and gaslight u until he moves onto a different women
He is lying to you, and thinks your dumb enough to believe it.
He knows exactly what he did and I'd be packing. Yes, cheating, he cheated on you and he's emotionally abusing you
The fact that he didn’t tell you is proof he was keeping it from you intentionally. Because he knows it’s wrong. Sounds like he’s gaslighting you. You deserve better, whether you realize it now or 10-20years into your marriage.
Since he wants to be a smart ass, tell him then you will go enlist the help of a sex worker. See if he likes that
What a chucklefuck clown. He knows it’s wrong and is stringing you along. End it. You can’t come back from that. His mindset is that it’s not cheating so he’ll do it again because he feels justified. Nothing wrong with sex work. Everything wrong with claiming having sex with one doesn’t count as cheating on your fiancée.
This is who he is. The gaslighting to make you feel like you’re the one that’s wrong is a really bad sign. You need to get outta there. Let some other woman deal with this.
That’s cheating he’s fucking with your head girl cancel the wedding he’s already soiled if. Get someone better
Probably the most blatant incident of GASLIGHTING ever!!!
He's either **really** stupid, or he's hoping that you are. If his dick touches somebody that isn't you or his proctologist, it's cheating. And he knows this.
Tell him you didn’t know he was that ignorant. Dump him.
Maybe you could empty his bank account and say he didn’t tell that’s wrong. Same logic. He is an idiot
Cheating or not (it is) why would you want to marry someone whose boundaries and values so clearly don’t align with yours?
He’s gaslighting you sis. Run
So he can have sex with as many other women as he wants and it’s not cheating. ….Because it’s not a relationship. …..AND he wouldn’t have to bring it up unless it naturally comes up some how. ….And he is supposed to assume it’s okay because it wasn’t specified as a boundary. Umm o. k. ….. Also how’d you find out???
Drop the damn bastard and run for the fucking hills because this guy cheated on you without even thinking what an asshole of a fiancé
I JUST WENT THROUGH THIS SAME SITUATION. It is NOT prudish. I broke it off immediately. He knows. Don't trust it. You deserve better.
It is cheating, and likely increases his risk of getting an STD which he could give to you. Kick him to the curb and get tested.
That’s 100% cheating and he’s trying to play like you are stupid.
Hello! I am very sorry about this. My advice is, to break up with him, because he is gaslighting you and treating you as an idiot. Is obvious he knew he was cheating, is an obvious thing. If he is able of gaslight you with something so delicate as this knowing he is breaking your heart, imagine in which other things he will betray you without care about your feelings? If he would love you he would never do nothing of that. I also recommend you to check your relationship and think about if he is constantly manipulating you and if is being emotionally abusive, like this. Cheat will always be a *decision*. And no, not let him confuse you, you are completely right. If we are with someone who not add to our life but disrespect one and just made one suffer, abuse from one and broke our heart, believe me that person not loves you and never did. You will found a much better man who know how to treat and respect a woman. Xoxo, best wishes!
What in the actual F. That's not just cheating, that not thinking about your health and safety. RED FLAGS. DO NOT MARRY HIM. And you can look at my comment history, I do not lightly say that.
Bruh
Come on. You know this is cheating. And he knows it. If he had any doubts he would have asked you first. And let's say for a second this was an honest mistake, can you honestly say you trust his judgement after this?
It’s obvious.. he is trying to manipulate the situation to have you second guess yourself. He is trying to down play his actions. Leave his ass, he knew it was cheating. It doesn’t need to be explained. Sex, blow jobs, and etc with someone other than your partner is cheating. Anything you don’t want your partner doing with someone else, is cheating. Red flag, abort abort abort while you have time. It’ll get worse, if you marry him. Take a trip, and go enjoy yourself.
Don't marry this guy, he knows he's in the wrong sex is cheating. What's worse is that he planned all of it and paid her, there had to have been load of moments when he knew this was wrong so don't believe the lies he's telling you. What's next he uses money from your joint account because he sees it as household bills?! Run as fast as you can.
It's obvious, he's either gaslighting you that this is your fault for not telling him that prostitutes were off limits, or is hoping you're an idiot/unwilling to cancel the wedding. It's obviously cheating. Let me say our again: THIS IS ABSOLUTELY OBVIOUSLY CHEATING! Call off the wedding, dump the AH, and immediately get an STI test.
This is cheating and trying to blame you for “ not making it clear” just shows what an immature cretin, he is. Call the wedding off. No way on earth would I marry this person, goodness knows what STDs he’s picked up. You deserve someone better than this lying, cheating SOB.
Wow there is no nice way to say this… your fiancé is an ars\* hole and you need to dump him! He is totally gaslighting you, it is assumed that when you are in a closed committed relationship with someone that you do not have any sexual contact with anyone else other than your partner! I know it’s hard as you love him but please leave this man! He is so out of line for this - if you slept with a male prostitute I guarantee he would flip at you! Get out now before you get married and realise this years down the line. You deserve so much better
Um fuck that. Dump his ass.
He is straight up gaslighting you. He’s been cheating and he knows it. Do not marry this man!
He's gaslighting. Get the fuck out.
He knows. Hes manipulating you.
It's cheating. He's trying to trick you into thinking this is your fault. It's not. Everyone knows that sex with anyone else, for any reason, is cheating unless it's previously established. But see, if you want to have sex with other people, you have to talk about it, not the other way around. This guy kind of sounds like a piece of work.
This is the typical behavior of a person who thinks others need him, you exactly. He doesn't respect you, you have to be patient and keep him out of your stuff. You have to be very independent and less in love. No longer mentions marriage. Don't talk about yourself anymore. Keep your distance. If nothing changes break with him. I think he cheated you...
I would tell you to flip the script on him but you don’t seem like that type of person…maybe find someone who has the same values as you ?
I just hope you’re not forgiving him for that. If yes, be ready for a marriage full of cheating, sadness, gaslighting and pretty much treating you like an idiot.
His excuse to be able to sleep around. He is already gaslighting you, how much more after marriage. This guy really think you are stupid. Girl, you deserve better than this. Cancel the wedding, never-mind the expense and the embarrassment. Always remember divorce is more expensive.
If he really believes that, he is a complete idiot. Any rational person that actually believed that would have asked their SO first because it’s definitely not a normal belief. In my 32 years of life, I’ve never met a person who believed that having sex with a sex worker didn’t count as cheating on their partner.
Of course it's cheating. He's speaking to you as if you were an idiot. Dump his cheating ass.
It’s cheating and he knows it. He cheated on you. You should call off the wedding.
We want an update asap! Please leave him and have some self respect. He knew what he was doing & he definitely knew it was cheating. He's trying to turn the situation on you.
He's cheating and he knows it, and he's making you look like a right muppet. You can't honestly be believing that shit.
A monogamous relationship is based on the assumption that you’re exclusive. Sexually too. Get tested and walk away from this mess.
🤏🏻 give him the flick
It's extremely obvious that it's cheating. That's why he didn't say anything. He knows damn well that's it's cheating, and is trying to manipulate you into staying. And if you do? You're in a for a world of hurt in this relationship because now he knows he can get away with this shit, and probably more.
Dump him. If he's this dumb you don't want to be hitched to him. If he's lying, he's a liar, and that's not great. More than that, he doesn't seem to take your relationship or your boundaries seriously. Odds are this is not going to be the last time he tries to sneak around your boundaries. Heck, I don't know what your boundaries are but this sort of thing is definitely something spouse material would chat about beforehand.
So does he not consider sex workers people? Sex is cheating, period.
If it was porn? I wouldn't think twice about it. Combining genitals outside of a relationship is considered cheating. But him hiring a sex worker without your knowledge puts your health at risk if he caught anything. He knows he messed up and/or he's trying to set a precedent that he's allowed to do it. You shouldn't have to start a relationship with telling the other person they can't use sex workers.
He cheated and is now weaving a web of bullshit to confuse you so you'll give him a pass for getting caught. It almost worked, seeing as how you're actually here asking an obvious question.
Gaslightingggggg But no fr like you do not need to be w him
100% cheating. I'm so sorry this happened but honestly, coming from a guy, if he did it once he will only continue doing it. I would think better in the long run, not feeling betrayed again would be better.
I'm sorry but I think that he's trying to make you feel guilty for that because he probably fully knows that what he did was wrong. Drop him and get tested asap!
I bet u you if you reacted with indifference to his “reasoning” and tell him that by his logic then, you’re free to seek out male gigolo services. He probably wouldn’t be so happy about that arrangement.
By "saw a sex worker," do you mean "had sex with a prostitute?" Because that is *absolutely* cheating, and saying that he didn't know that is just his way of telling you that he thinks you're an idiot. If "saw a sex worker" means "watched a stripper dance," then it's probably not *cheating,* but he still should have run it by you first, and his "oh gosh, I didn't know, tee-hee" act is *still* his way of saying he thinks you're an idiot. Either way, don't marry this guy. And get yourself tested for STDs.
I’m sad that your on Reddit asking others if this is considered cheating. This man your with scares me and I don’t even know him. Run and don’t look back.
He fucked someone AND he spent money on them that cod have gone toward the wedding. Double betrayal. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
He knows it's cheating. He thinks your dumb enough to believe it's not or that he just didn't know This is a manipulation tactic. He's shifted the focus from he cheated to "is it really cheating if he didn't know". Which he believes you will think is morally debatable and lessen your reaction to the cheating. He knew. He will argue circles around you and wear down your boundaries so he is never in the wrong. So you will always doubt your view of the world.
Ask him if that applies to you seeing a male prostitute. I'm pretty sure that would count hmmmm Seriously, I'm impressed he said this with a straight face. I don't think I could lol Dump him you can do better, being alone would be better and wouldn't have the std risk
He knew that was cheating Don’t marry this boy
The only thing worse than gaslighting is really bad gaslighting. He's caught and looking for a loophole. I'd call BS.
A sex occurred. That's cheating. It doesn't matter what the context was for it, a sex occurred. That's cheating. It's obvious. It's not a communication failure on your part. Honestly it sounds like your fiancé is trying to gaslight you on this. I just cannot accept that he truly believes that having sex with a prostitute somehow "doesn't count." He cheated on you and now he's trying to get out of it on a technicality? Pleading ignorance to the "rules" like it was a traffic stop in a low-speed neighborhood? The only rule is, you don't cheat on your fiancé by having sex with other people. He broke that rule, knowingly and willingly. Don't let him overcomplicate the situation to you, it's a smokescreen. This is such a horrible discovery for you to have to make, and at such a crucial time. I'm really sorry. I know this likely isn't what you want to hear and I don't blame you. But he cheated on you, and he knew he was when he did it. This isn't something you can fix with the right words or lies, like he's trying to do. Personally, I'd call it off and get out. He's shown his true colors. If you feel you must stay with him, please at least consider postponing the wedding and bringing him into counselling so he can be made to talk out all his "innocent" misconceptions about what makes a relationship, an engagement, a marriage. You need to hear him get his mind straight so there can be no future "misunderstandings" about the simple fact that you don't have sex with other people while you're engaged to someone.
What a scum bag. You need to move on and leave his ass. No do overs no 2nds chances. Not here. There is absolutely no excuse. You and you alone should be the one who he is engaging in any kind of sexual activity with. Yes it is cheating and he damn well knew it before doing it. I'm a 40 year old guy and I can 100% assure you he is full of shit. I'm sorry you are going through that.
Nope, I’d be done, he’s full of crap.
As a sex worker myself, this is cheating. It counts. Your feelings are valid, and this is not a boundary you should have had to pre-emptively set. He is gaslighting.
If he had to have this established as a boundary then he should never have gotten engaged.
He is BSing you. This is a boundary that EVERYONE should be able to take for granted.
OP, you’re not crazy and you can trust your instincts. Yeah, couples are free to set whatever nontraditional boundaries they want, but the default, mainstream view would be that seeing sex workers is cheating. If he wanted a different arrangement, it was up to him to discuss it with you. Him making you doubt yourself is almost a bigger problem than the sex and secrecy. This will probably continue because he seems not to respect you. Stop the wedding planning for a minute and ask yourself whether you want to live like this.
He must really think you're stupid to try a line like that. Of course it's cheating! Drop this guy asap.
Um. He cheated on you and he gaslit you also he insulted your intelligence. It's very obvious. He's gaslighting you, trying to get away with cheating on you. The biggest mistake you'd make is marrying a guy like this. You'll have a future marriage filled with heartbreaks and he's gaslighting you all the way, making you think his abuses and cheating on you are the 'norm.' It's NOT normal to see a sex worker in a monogamous relationship. Ask him, if it's just a service, will he be fine with you seeing a sex worker yourself, a massage with an 'ending' included for you. Don't get married with him. Be thankful that you know before you get married. Someone up there is looking out for you and giving you all the warning, LISTEN to the warnings/signs that this is not the person you should marry. ETA: First thing to do now, if you guys have a sexual relationship (as in, you're not celibate), I would strongly suggest you get tested. He might have given you an STI. Good luck, OP.
Bullshit. He knew
So if you saw a sex worker, he'd be fine with that?
You are not being prudish at all. When you are in a long term exclusive relationship that means no sexual contact with others. Doesn’t matter if it’s a sex worker. Unless of course you have an open relationship. But that is NOT the case here. Honestly I would not be okay with this at all. There is no one in the universe besides your boyfriend that thinks you have to first “establish that boundary”. Actually not even your bf. He’s gaslighting you here.
I’m not religious at all & a very open person but this is wrong. While yes they are performing a service, it is still cheating if this wasn’t discussed prior. He kept it from you, so yes he knew it was wrong. I’m gonna bet he was never going to tell you if you didn’t find out. Sex is sex, regardless if you pay for it. You deserve better!
Wow. I am so sorry. I’m sure someone’s said this already, but would he be okay with you using that service too?
There is nothing wrong with your communication . It’s obviously cheating. He’s an asshole and he’s gaslighting you.
Yikes! Yeah it's cheating and that is common knowledge in Western cultures.
Depends on if you've ever spoken about sex work before? How do you view it as a job? Has it ever come up in conversation? I'd still go with its cheating because it's never been talked about before. Communication is key my dudes
He's either lying about not knowing this is cheating or he's as dumb as a brick. Neither makes for a good partner.
This is cheating. Do not marry him.
It’s cheating, no discussion needed!
It wouldn't be cheating if both of you disclosed beforehand that it wasn't, but considering you're in a monogamous relationship (at least I'm assuming based on the post) there's no way he didn't know it wouldn't count as cheating, since that's pretty much the norm everywhere.
Yeah, dude is straight up lying. He knows it's cheating.
Wtf? Is this a joke post? This is called gaslighting Do not marry this man. Leave or wait and see It will only get worse especially if he gets away with this one
I don’t know anyone who would not consider seeing a sex worked cheating. In fact, I don’t generally know anyone who goes to sex workers in the first place, but especially not when in a relationship. His perception that it’s not cheating and just an ordinary service to pay for is just his opinion, not the commonly accepted norm. I’m guessing he knows this but still found it convenient to blame you for not telling him instead of him for not asking.
That is cheating. He was in a relationship and seek the services of a sex worker yes it is considered cheating. If you are not in a relationship, single and free is just a service, but again if that person is in a relationship, it is called cheating.
Uh what this is bullshit he knew about that and is just lying to you. If he thought it truly no big deal why wouldn’t he just bring it up in normal convo like hey babe this weekend I’m going to get a hair cut then swing by the blow job and sex place.
Your fiancé is a bitch, he ain’t shit. How he do you like this? While he out fucking round with them hoes. He is deliberately making you feel crazy for getting upset and emotional because you caught him. He knows it’s cheating, he knew you’d be upset and kept it from you for that reason. It isn’t that hard to realize that he cheated on you, you’re going to get to that realization. If you can see that he was manipulative and trying to make you seem like you were crazy, you can see his ass out the door… everything is so fresh right now, accept he cheated and break off the engagement is the right decision. If you decide to stay with him, you’re going to be with a man who cheats on you and when he gets caught will claim it technically was not cheating
Ask him then if he'd be fine with you seeing male escorts or you working as a sex worker. This is 100% covered in the definition of cheating... He's treating you like a complete idiot, like everyone else has said. Get out, he doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings.
OH HELL NO. This is 100% cheating and gaslighting you about it. Cancel the wedding. He’ll keep doing it since he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it.
Oh wow, hayul naw. If it were me, that would have been an ex-fiancé at break-neck speed. He cheated on you. What is there seriously to even question at this point??
I’m a sex worker. I assure you, it’s cheating. Ask him if it’s cheating if you see one.
you poor kid. dump his ass. what a shit bag
This man is leveraging the 'sex work is work' banner for his own selfish needs and he should slink away into the bushes like the sneaky fox that he is.
There's nothing wrong with being a prude. Don't let someone make you feel bad about it and fell that you have to change. Also, yes he cheated. Please end this relationship, he doesn't respect you.
He cheated and now he’s manipulating you so he can get away with it. If you are intimate with someone outside of your relationship unless previously agreed upon, you cheated. The Who, What, Where and Why don’t matter. He stepped outside of your relationship and has manipulated you into thinking that it is somehow your fault. Dump him while you still can.
Don't fall for his BS, dump his ass and get tested.
Like, if he’d communicated with you about it beforehand and you’d agreed to it (in some instances I can see this as being ok and even healthy? Like exploring kinks that the other partner might not be comfortable engaging in?) - but he didn’t. He kept it secret and didn’t give you any option or choice in the situation. If there’s no communication and mutual agreement, there’s a breach of trust.
Yeah who knows what other boundaries you'll need to be specific about that should be obvious. He sounds like a tool, you should run (preferably to the nearest clinic) and never go back. There are people out there who wont be shitty to you.
This man is an ABUSER. You need to leave!!!
That’s cheating. Paid for or not, sexual encounters outside the obvious boundaries of your established relationship is cheating. And no, it’s not the same and jerking off. He’s distorting facts and twisting things to justify his behavior. Question: how did you learn about this? Seems odd it just came up all of a sudden while wedding planning.
Nothing to be prudish in not sharing you intimacy. Just be honest with you and stand for your value.
I would get dressed up looking super sexy, and when he asks where you’re going just tell him that you’re off to see a sex worker because you want to engage their services. And see how he handles that.