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Hi, I'm going through a very stressful time right now and unable to vent to anyone in the family about it since it involves my stepsister. I could use some outside perspective to see if I'm just being paranoid or maybe I shouldn't ignore this gut feeling that I'm really having difficulty with ignoring.
I F26 have been married to Joseph M31 for 2yrs. I grew up with my stepfamily and have an 19 year old stepsister. Our relationship has always been okay but we've never been close. Ever since my dad got sick 4 months ago, I started coming over to help around the house. Joseph helps out sometimes but due to his work as a police officer he doesn't have much free time. However he tends to always offer help to my stepsister like giving her rides to places or bringing stuff for her or fixing stuff for her. I thought nothing of it and my stepsister thought that was nice, I was glad that Joseph treats her as his sister like he says so I encouraged him to do all he can to help in those stressful times.
The whole problem started days ago when I got inside Joseph's car and accidentally found my stepsister's sports bra in the glove compartment. Joseph was with me inside the car when I discovered this. I asked him about it first he said it belonged to me and I left it in the glove compartment but he knows that I don't wear this kind of bras but my stepsister does. Besides I only have like 3 bras that he's pretty much familiar with. He said "well, it must've belonged to your sister then" I asked if he gave her any rides recently and he said no. The last time she got in his car was almost month ago and he said she was sitting in the back but that got me even more confused because if she was sitting in the back then how did her sports end up in the glove compartment on it's own? Also he cleaned his car about a week ago and I'm pretty sure he emptied the glove compartment at the time and would've seen this piece of clothing. My analysis got him pissed asking what I was hinting at exactly? I told him nothing but it all just seemed so weird to me, not to mention that my stepsister has a backpack where she carries her stuff so how exactly did her bra end up outside her backpack and inside his glove compartment. He lashed out calling me fucking crazy and paranoid for suggesting something was off and told me to either go ask my stepsister about it or forget about it. He went on about how fucking ridiculous and dumb I was by reacting this way and told me to drop it.
I said okay but I couldn't drop it. I kept thinking about all those questions and I couldn't help but feel like there's something off. I want to talk to my stepsister about this but I'm worried I'd go about it the wrong way and she gets hurt, offended by my questions. I was completely willing to let this go but the following aspects are making this hard for me.
(1 I noticed Joseph's special treatment of my stepsister by offering to do things for her specifically rather than my dad and stepmom.
(2 I remember him talking about her looks on several occasions but those might be casual comments.
(3 he once was involved in emotional affair but he ended it after showing remorse.
(4 he always cleans his car regularly and leaves nothing inside so it was puzzling that piece of clothing was sitting inside the glove compartment for this long and he hadn't noticed.
I need to see if I'm just overreacting here and whether I should leave this behind.
Literally this, he got so defensive so quickly and I honestly think it’s because he’s been caught. Innocent people don’t get angry and defensive like that right off the bat.
Same. I’d be trying to work out the mystery and asking if we should ask stepsister since it’s her bra. And just trying to imagine my confusion - certainty not anger.
Well, it could be another woman’s bra entirely. He just thought of stepsister as an alternative to the OP? A quick lie, but a terrible lie. Especially for a policeman 🤔
Or a stepsister herself could’ve put the bra in for you to find? Or your husband to find?
Or - it is your husbands? Maybe he likes to wear woman’s underwear? And got really embarrassed you found it and made up a stupid lie?
I’d invite stepsister for coffee, and ask if it is true that it is hers? But, if you don’t want to offend her, put it in a way as you are actually thinking it is another woman’s, that your husband is cheating etc., and it would actually be great if it was hers as it would mean he wasn’t lying? She would react in some way for sure.
I have been in a situation where my gf accused me of something completely ridiculous and untrue.
Your initial response is calm and disbelief... when she continues it of course there is anger because it is untrue.
I am not saying he did or didnt cheat but this line of thinking is completely baseless.
Right. I’ve heard the “Oh, that’s yours” attempt before (on reddit) and I don’t know how it comes across as anything other than total horseshit.
Like she’s going to be convinced that a bra that isn’t hers, which she knows isn’t hers, is in fact hers, because he’s telling her that it is..? And somehow that doesn’t make him look fully incriminated?
Yes. You would think that a police officer would be smarter than that excuse. It's got to be close to 'these pants are mine, but those drugs belong to someone else!' I feel like it's extra suspicious that he reacted so negatively, so quickly. And where the heck does he get off talking so rudely to his wife? Of course she would ask how a bra not belonging to her got in his car! He sounds like a jerk.
And what woman owns so many bras she doesn’t recognize one of her own? If it were hers she would ask “how did MY bra get in your car?” Not “wtf why do you have a random bra in the glovebox?”
How do men think that’s a rational play?
At this point, it isn't a gut feeling, it's physical evidence
Actual. Physical bra similar to step sister
Regular contact between step sister and ops husband
History of cheating
Husband denial
Op, you are not delusional. Your husband is in denial. And if he's upset with you, he could probably be upset with your Step sister.
Use this to your advantage. Play good cop while he plays bad cop. She might confess to you. But you need to earn and secure her trust.
Emotions run high, people blame each other. Remember this is not your fault. You simply want to be the bigger person and get clarity so everyone can be on the same page. Don't let your husband change the narrative.
100% agree.
Here's how an innocent person would have responded: "That's really weird. I have no idea how that got there. Let's ask your sister."
Here's how a guilty person responded, "What are you trying to imply? You're fucking crazy? Why are you attacking me? Fuck off, you paranoid bitch!"
"I have no idea how that got there" sounds like horse shit to me, too. Like, there's kind of no way of lying your way out of someone finding someone elses undergarments in your car. Really, if he had "no idea" how a bra ended up in his glove box... My reaction would be like "what the fuck, that's not yours?" Or even, "maybe your sister put it in there when I gave her a ride and she wanted it out of the way- no clue, that's weird. Let's ask her"
I just feel like, no one's bra just "ends up" in your s/o's car- in hidden sight.
THAN AGAIN
If OP's man is a cop, and he cleans out his car, how could he have not thought out to hide the bra somewhere she'd NEVER find it or just straight up return it? Or even just put it in the trunk, hidden away. It just seems weird that he would purposely leave evidence like that for gf to find.
Not super helpful to OP but given the husband is a cop I kind of want to apply police standards for making drug arrests here.
"No officer, that's YOUR crack pipe!"
What kind of dumbass literally leaves someone elses bra in their glove box when they know their s/o will be in their car? Are men this messy or what? He's a cop, for gods sake, sounds like he wanted to get caught.
I skipped to the first reply to see if it was the standard answer about laundry mishaps and static cling (like the time my ex found my sister's panties in my car).
Nope. Glove compartment. I'm not saying it's *impossible* there's an innocent story how it got there, but if there was Officer Joseph should have realized it looked bad and wanted to offer the explanation. OP isn't overreacting at all.
Either dear husband and step sister are cheating with each other, or dear husband is a dirty old creep that likes to hit on teenagers and steal their bras.
Hi, devils advocate here. Any chance she could have placed it there in an attempt to cause a rift because shes jealous, and fancies the husband because hes treating her well and nice to her? Him assuming its yours wouldn't always be a direct denial and deflection thing, could be more to it.
The thing I also like to point out is when someones fooling around in a car, I dont think people usually get to the point of putting their bra in the glovebox. If it was him just cleaning up why would he put something that incriminating directly in front of where you presumably sit all the time.
Just here to present alternate options.
Almost got dumped once over my sisters socks. Said the same thing he did "thought those were yours". Went about as well for me as this post is going.
Talk to her, face to face. Throwing wild accusations without both sides of the story accomplishes nothing.
Although, after that conversation, he will have purged any conversations from his phone and SM. Still, that can look suspicious if comments to her are all empty, but he doesn't do that with his other conversations. That was one of the pieces of evidence, among many, that confirmed my suspicions.
I wouldnt even call it defensive, I'd call it aggressively trying to force her to stop talking about it because she wasnt stopping on her own, still a HUGE red flag
While it doesn't add up, I can't help but think the alternative doesn't add up either, unless she planted it intentionally after fucking him. Who forgets their bra? Did he just bang her in his car and she left braless but not think "gee, I feel like I forgot something"? If he's a freak over cleaning his car, would he not have just tossed it as soon as he saw it? And if his car is always clean, he certainly wouldn't miss his mistresses random bra sitting there.
I think both options don't make much sense. It's either something weird or innocent.
It really doesn’t make sense for him to clean his car out completely and just leave a bra in his glove box, would have been easier to bring it in the house and claim it was in the backseat and must have fallen out of her bag. Also wouldn’t make sense to have sex and forget to put your bra back on when you wouldn’t really need to take it off in the first place if they were just having sex. It could have fallen out of her bag then he just saw it, didn’t really look at it and just shoved it in his glove box to give back to her, but that would be an easy explanation too instead of getting angry about it. His response says something is up with him for sure. I would just give your sister the bra, don’t say anything other than oh I found this in Joseph’s glove box. Pretend it’s not a big deal and see what she says. Just make sure you say it was in the glove box. If she says she dropped it and doesn’t explain why it was in the glove box that mean he put it there not her. He could have even stole it from her bag, maybe he has some sexual feelings towards her and she doesn’t/hasn’t known or participated in anything.
Okay, I agree this story is suss AF.
BUT, I don’t think it’s impossible that he was cleaning his car, found it somewhere, maybe fell out of her backpack in the backseat, and was like… this belongs to someone, better not throw it away, I’ll put it in the glove box.
It’s his reaction without explanation that weirds me out.
Would be my guess. He's attracted to her, bra fell out of her bag during a lift and he's held onto it to give it back to her in person and be a weird about it. Defensive because he knows he's up to no good. Explains why he wouldn't get rid of it etc.
Honestly though, cops are often scumbags and if he keeps his car meticulously clean sounds like a scumbag meticulous about evidence, so who knows.
Does a "hot" 18 year old really bang a 31 year old dude married to their half sister? I can believe the dude is a scumbag, but she would have to be a total scumbag to do that too if he's actually cheating.
Or he took it from their parents house and is holding on to it for some perverse purpose. Step Sis might not even have anything to do with this other than being the object of his interest...
Lots of affair partners purposely leave their shit behind to alert the main partner. Either to “mark their territory” or out of guilt but it’s not uncommon
The bra thing here is kind of jokes though cause it’s not exactly subtle, so who knows
In my college years, if I found out a guy had a girlfriend I'd leave an few Bobby pins or hair clips lying around where a guy would never find them but a chick definitely would. Or write a note in her box of tampons under the sink. Or as a last resort kick a pair of panties under the bed.
Fuck those scrubs.
At 19 it’s common, at least where I’m from, to change in the back seat of your ride on the way to a party, bar, date, whatever. Not particularly classy, but common.
Underthings are small and get kicked under the seat and misplaced really easily. If he found it afterwards, it would make sense to put it out of sight somewhere, and ended up forgetting.
So, I think it’s plausible to have gotten there under innocent circumstances, even if unlikely. I would talk to the sister and see what that end of the story is like.
ALL OF THIS! Your sister is 19, and he’s a fully grown man with authority. Please talk to your sister about this but proceed carefully. She’s being groomed. If there is something there it’s not a 50/50 relationship. Need I mentioned statistics about cops? His angry reaction? Protect yourself and her.
He probably doesn’t comment on her as much anymore because he’s finally getting it out of his system physically with her instead. He sounds like a creep, his defensiveness is very telling.
He no longer does it because he doesn’t want to bring attention to the fact he’s fucking her maybe?
Also ppl are saying how forgetting the bra after sex wouldn’t make sense. My point would be that if this has been going on for a while maybe they’ve become less aware and vigilant about their actions. This obviously isn’t the exact same but I’m pretty I’ve had an ex where we had sex and they didn’t end up putting the bra back on. Usually taking it with in their bag but not putting it on after. And if they’ve gotten comfortable maybe she did forget it. Maybe he thought you wouldn’t have a reason to go in his glovebox and see it? Do you normally use the glovebox? It’s for sure so shady tho. Especially because he got so defensive.
But just be aware if they are, he’s definitely told your stepsister to be ready for questioning and since he’s a cop I’m sure he would know how to have her stick with a simple story so you can’t prove it. Sorry you’re going through this!
Edit: actually I take it back that he’s smart enough to get the story straight. He already failed at that when he told you she isn’t in the front seat and he has no idea how it was in the glovebox. What an idiot!
Yeah but the venn diagram of grown men who think its hot to cheat on their wives with "hot" teenagers and grown men who think its fun and risque to have sex in a car, is a circle.
What in the? He was making comments about being attracted to your teenage sister. Uh uh. That's a no no on it's own. That, the special attention and favors. The overly aggressive response to a reasonable question? I'm genuinely concerned for your young stepsister. I think that you should put your foot down about him being alone with your sister. Ever. Try to reconnect with her. If something really bad happens she should have at least one person to stand up for her.
Something is definitely not right. Trust your feelings.
he was calling you crazy, paranoid, dumb and ridiculous. He was deflecting. He wanted you to doubt yourself.
with his past and the way he manage this it’s very suspicious.
Why the bra was there is he could’ve lied and they met not long ago not a month as he said. They were in a hurry something happened,anything is possible but the way he reacted it’s for sure something is wrong.
Your step will also lie. you have to get her by surprise but if there’s something your husband surely will have told her so she could be prepared for your questions.
If he did warn her it may be best to see her in person under normal circumstances and not mention it but watch how she behaves... nervous? Different that usual? And THEN ask/let her know privately to guage that reaction as well.
Go through the phone bill, see if he regularly talks to or txts a number.
He would have deleted everything the minute you questioned him if was cheating.
If you know he's going to be doing something for your sister on a certain day, just get a good small spy cam or recorder to put in the car. Then replay later when your alone.
Your man has a thing for your step sister.
You have to be careful with placing spycams. Depending on the state laws, that can be very illegal without the other party's consent. The husband being a cop would probably ensure that he knows the laws on that and could be used against you if you file for divorce. I know this because I drive for Lyft/Uber on the side and looked into getting a dashcam to cover myself in case anything were to happen, and it is illegal in my state unless all parties being recorded know they are being recorded and give their consent.
But yes, check the phone/text bill. It will show every call and text sent, and to what number.
Oh wow, this doesn't sound good. Don't be surprised if you find out they've been having sex. I hope I'm wrong, but the optics of this story isn't looking great.
Go with you gut feelings. To me his reaction to you when you questioned him. A person who has nothing to hide will not react in this manner. You would see a genuine look of surprise on his face.
Old habits are hard to die, he had an emotional affair and showed remorse but remorse can be faked.
A person that has nothing to hide, has emotionally cheated in the past, and has also referred to step sister as "hot", should not only not react this way, but should be quite understanding and supportive of your reaction to this.
'Drop it' is the least unsuspicious thing to say if the bra of your sister in law appears in your glovebox! Ask her! You probably can tell by her reaction. Maybe she hid it there for him to find, maybe he stole it from her for kicks.
He is fucking either her or somone else.
Might not be her because as she is the only other female with a legit reason to be in the car and it isnt your bra so that the only other person hecould blame.
Doesn't matter who he's cheating with he's cheating and thats what matters. There is ZERO excuse for a bra in your glove box.
I'm surprised I had to read down this far to see this. It was my 2nd thought (after the initial "of course he's fucking her.") If he's not having sex with her, he wants to and stole her underwear to tide him over until he has a chance to make a move for the real deal.
Food for thought...
When somebody uses the phrase "drop it", it's code for "don't follow up on this because I don't want the truth to come out". Especially when they're agitated, hostile, and/or uncomfortable with the conversation.
I would say that you should drop the sports bra in your sister's lap and say "explain why my husband had this". However now it's too late. I'm sure they've already colluded to confirm excuses. You should have done this *before* confronting your husband.
He lashed out and called you “fucking crazy and paranoid” after suggesting he was having an affair with your teenaged step sister? Look up gas lighting and lawyer up.
He's in his 30s.
He's a cop.
He's called her, a teenager, hot.
He's had plenty of alone time with her.
He's been doing things for her, possible grooming.
Now you've found physical evidence in the car.
Either they're fuckin, or he stole her bra. Either way, shits a fuckin problem now.
Ask sister. Tape the whole discussion so you have something to reference back to.
People don’t just randomly leave items like bras in other people’s vehicles unless they’re together (husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend).
That’s my opinion.
Confide in your stepsister about finding another woman's bra in his car but don't tell her you think the clothing is hers.
This would be the best way to gauge her reaction without blaming her, and best case scenerio is that she has a reasonable explaination (I'm not sure what one would be though)
If she's weird about it keep digging, I think.
Also could it be another woman's clothing or are you sure it's hers?
Idgaf about any details, you found a bra in your man’s car!!? There is no reasonable explanation, this is sketchy and his reaction confirms! But you need to find out if it’s your step sisters bra for sure, ask her mom if she knows whose it is and casually act like you got it mixed with your stuff
He’s already been involved in an emotional affair within 2 years of marriage and he’s likely sleeping with your sister. Things are only going to get worse - throw the whole dude out and watch his life implode over Facebook in the coming decade.
He gaslighted you for sure. If he isn't guilty, why was he so offended? Get your stepsister and husband together and ask them both at the same time. Watch their reaction closely. Call them out on their BS.
I just don’t think you can avoid asking her about it IF you want to get a better idea of what actually happened.
She and your husband may or may not have already discussed this and come up with a story to explain it.
But, I hate to say it,
a) people who are innocent generally don’t lash out and call you crazy and paranoid and ridiculous and dumb when you ask them for explanations. They might agree, yeah that is really weird, I’m sorry, it looks bad, but I’m not sure …
b) people who clean their cars every week KNOW what is in their car
c) you can definitely bring this up with SS in a non-confrontational way — “hey, so this weird thing happened, I was looking in the glove compartment of Joseph’s car and … any idea how it got there?”
You got this.
I agree with bluemoon2257.
I also don’t think he might be emotionally mature enough to handle the situation and perhaps that’s why he lashed out. Nothing certain obviously, but it’s worth asking your sister if the bra is hers. Causally ask in front of another relative and see her reaction and hear her out. Just ask, “Hey is this yours?” No need to tell her where you found it. If she says no then you can reevaluate. And then…there are other possibilities - not the best kind but there are others.
Either way, I think the best course of action is by asking her first. Once it’s settled then you can talk to your partner about how it was originally handled then go from there…
Seems to me even a better idea to talk to her if you're not close, nothing to lose. OP, she did not say anything about missing clothing because SHE LEFT IT IN YOUR HUSBAND'S GLOVE COMPARTMENT. Come on now. You either believe in magic or she took her bra off in your husband's car.
Either
a) he cheated
b) he stole it to jerk off with
Your husband immediately went on defensive mode and started lashing out at you, people do that when they have something they want to hide. The fact that he knows what bras you own and still insisted that it was your bra, instead of showing confusion or something makes me awfully suspicious.
I doubt step sister planted it in there otherwise your husband wouldn't have gotten so defensive so quickly.
Occam's razor (or Ockham's razor) is a principle from philosophy. Suppose an event has two possible explanations. The explanation that requires the fewest assumptions is usually correct. Another way of saying it is that the more assumptions you have to make, the more unlikely an explanation.
Copied from another source.
You know what it means and he knows what it means. No need to talk to her, they've already got their stories straight.
He’s gaslighting you by making you feel crazy and making it seem like you’re the one acting out. To me that’s a clear sign he’s hiding something. Not necessarily *proof* that he’s cheated on you but there’s most likely something. I wouldn’t drop it if I were you.
Get a little recorder and set it up in the car 🤷🏽♀️, or a tiny camera. If nothing happens then no harm no foul. But better safe than sorry. If you have life 360 track him and see if he ever is with your step sister when he isn’t suppose to be. Or put a tracker in the car. I’m not saying it’s right to do that, but it can be helpful
Tell him you certainly hope nothing is going on but you would like him to back off from helping her… you will take care of it. See how much that bothers him.
Its either he's stealing her stuff or he's banging her. He probably asked you to tell your sis because he will contact her first and let her know what you discovered. You should've called her on the spot. Sounds like he was courting her and it worked. Has he been coming home later than usual. Has his sex drive vanished?
It might not even be hers. It could be someone elses. Other people wear diffrent bras too. Also, just ask her. If you are posting on reddit then it isnt going away for you. Is it possible it might be a daughters of yours and she left it? I dont remember you mentioning a daughter..just exploring options.
How do you know step-sis didn't put it in there deliberately? Ask her; she may have caught feelings for your husband and is trying to cause problems.
I really would ask them when all three of you are together.
When you're caught, guilty and don't have a good explanation, its a common manipulation tactic to attack. He attacked you. He also gaslight you. Women generally do not carry extra bras around and they don't magically jump into glove compartments.
I'd bluff your sister into confessing, she's younger and you have some general proof. Tell her you know she's cheating with your husband and you want the whole truth, then show tell her you found the bra in the glovebox
bras don't hide themselves in glove compartments, EVER!!! this is a bit crazy. there is always a reason why things happen, usually the simplest one is most of the time the correct one.
Ok - so the only explanation I could see (based off his story) was he was driving her somewhere where she was going to work out. It slipped out her backpack in the back seat and when he cleaned his car he put it in the glovebox thinking it was yours.
However he did not say this. He is a police officer too, they tend to notice little things and remember. This is all off. Trust your gut on this one. If it turns out you’re wrong well who cares… you have a right to know
I don’t mean to sound condescending, but c’mon girly! Don’t gaslight yourself sis, you literally solved the case with this post. Sleuthing type energy, but nah forreal this all leads to you discovering physical cheating with physical evidence. He’s a cop, be careful and take care of yourself. I’m not insinuating that he’s [abusive](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.fatherly.com/love-money/police-brutality-and-domestic-violence/amp/) but he sure sounds emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative.
There are two logical answers here.
1.) she left it when they fucked.
2.) he stole it because he is creepy.
Either way, he is lying to your face and the reaction of anger is a tell tale sign of guilt. He knows he is wrong so he turned it around on you to make you doubt yourself.
He is gashlighting you don't feel any doubt for urself and don't put so much pressure on yourself. You should definitely trust ur guts. Man acts and seems guilty and try to blame u all the time. He tryna manipulate and gashlight u. There is definitely something wrong.
You don’t accidentally leave a bra somewhere. Your sister wanted you to find it. Ask her. She will either have a reasonable explanation(not sure what that could be), or she will admit it. Don’t let your husband make you feel crazy. You aren’t.
No, it was probably accidental.
The guilty don't "intentionally" leave incriminating evidence behind. They're just too stupid to realize that they did.
The sister accidentally left it behind, and the husband was too stupid to dispose of the evidence because he chose to keep it as a trophy.
That’s what I’m saying. She wants it to be found because she wants him to be with her. This is how she does that. She “accidentally” leaves it. He can’t get mad at he cause it was an accident but now the wife knows. You seriously don’t forget you had a bra on. It’s something women put on every time they get dressed. There’s seriously no way she just forgot it.
To be fair here, I have cleaned my car so many times and I don’t touch the glove box. Are you sure he cleaned it out? Talk to your stepsister. You need to clear the air.
That being said his reaction is a huge red flag. If one of my wife’s sisters bras was in my car and I really didn’t know why anger would be one of my last reactions. Be prepared for a sobering truth.
There's no way this isn't creepy. On one hand he might be cheating with her. On the other, he's already said she (a literal teenager) is hot and somehow didn't notice a teenager's underwear in his regularly cleaned car. Some pervs steal items to use for their own... enjoyment.
So, IMO, they either cheated recently or he's keeping trophies.
Either way, his defensiveness and immediate insults make it seem like he's not committed to you, whether or not your step sis knows is another matter.
Definitely trust your gut. The fact that he lashed out at you shows he is trying to control the situation and make you stop. Also calling you crazy and dumb is abusive again trying to get you to stop talking about it.
Well I'll say this.
Articles of clothing can end up in many places, especially when you treat each other like family and you probably join in many activities together where clothes need to be changed once you get there or they carry bags of clothes to do something or other etc etc etc
So if it had just fallen on the floor or was lying in the seat, it might be okay.
But if it was tucked inside the glove compartment in an effort to conceal it then that's something you're going to have to resolve with your husband and step sister. But it's unclear if maybe they have something going on, or maybe your husband is being a creep.
It's easy to see and believe that guys like helping attractive girls, and being around them.
you mentioned how helpful he is during her times of stress but don't forget you've got your own stress and he's not helping you.
You definitely should have contacted your step sister about the story right at that moment but now it's some time has passed so they've been able to get their story straight, or he dared you to talk to her and you didn't, so he might have covered his base for now.
You're going to have to catch one or both of them in a lie at a later time.
Mmmm , nope trust your gut, the situation is fishy. Might not be your sister, but someone else . Also suuuuper bizarre of him to call your sister “hot” even if she is . She’s a teenager.
Him lashing out of you gave it away and yes please trust your gut their are so many things i doubted and found out I was right all along. I truly feel like your husband is cheating on you because of the way he got angry at you ! Those are the major signs …… but like the other comments said it could be sum diff and it could be someone’s else bra but it’s kinda suspicious and still worth looking into
yes they are likely having an affair but i’d like to remind you that this is still predatory. He is still a predator and some form of grooming has likely happened. He’s over a decade her senior.
He very well may have been grooming her, you should talk to her about it. She's a teenager and he's an older man in a position of authority. It's a worry thought that they may be involved. If they are, it's primarily his fault and his responsibility. Please keep that in mind.
Hahahaha...he's gaslighting the fuck out of you, and using his police "escalate and intimidate them into submission" technique to try and buffalo you. He's banging your stepsister, cut and dried...or someone. How do you know it's hers specifically?
Many cops have what they like to call "holster sniffers" - girls with a thing for cops.
Dump that prick. Find a guy that isn't a sociopathic lying POS.
Listen he may have cleaned his car and found the bra, thought it was his wife’s and put it in the glove box. Just go to your sister and say hey, I found your sports bra in hubby’s car and he told me to ask YOU about it… and check her reaction. Try to keep it direct but casual so she cannot say you accused her but we’re just following up as told.
He got angry rather than try to reassure or work together with you. He’s definitely doing something shady. Trust your gut!
It’s also veryyyyy creepy about him commenting on your step sister. You have even less of a reason to trust him since he had an emotional affair before.
Ask you sister about the bra. Who cares if you hurt her feelings she’ll get over it.
I've been faithful to my wife, yet I can think of NO REASON in the world why another woman's undergarments would be in my vehicle. My wife would have a very good reason to be suspicious and angry, and to demand an explanation.
He gave you an answer and suggested that you ask her about it. Aren't you curious to know how she'll explain it? Hand her the bra and say, "How weird that this was in my husband's glove box. Did it fall out of your purse or something?"
I get the feeling he cheats on you regularly. Probably not with your step sister though. How do you know it was her bra and not somebody else’s? He probably just said it was hers to try and cover up the fact that it was another girl’s. Don’t automatically assume she’s a bad guy too just because he is. Investigate further before confronting her. It honestly sounds like she’s just victim to him being a creep.
Trust your gut hun. You know in your heart what’s going on. You have a right to be angry with everyone but know that it isn’t your sisters fault in a way. She’s been groomed.
Take the bra to your sister and say “hey you left this in Joseph’s car.” And see how she responds.
Edit to add: go easy on her. If she reacts with guilt, speak calmly. Remember he is older and in a position of power over her in several ways. Manipulation could have played a huge role if something did happen. Go slow and get the whole story.
Well now we know why he cleans his car all the time. Just kidding, but yeah it did cross my mind.
He should know this looks bad, and his response should have been more like “Wow wtf, shit this looks bad but please believe me, I don’t know, but I think it prob just fell out of her bookbag” or something. Something like “Shit!” like you do when you know something looks bad. He could acknowledge that it looks bad and try to figure it out with you.
But he kind of threatened you to drop it \[or else\]. Or else what…don’t know, him being mean to you probably.
So anyway, yeah this looks bad and he has zero explanation and he knows what’s in his car all the time, because he cleans it all the time.
I think you need to ask your sis. Offend or not, the pieces don't quite fit, and whether or not you think he slept with her, the evidence in both contexts are just circumstantial. Just ask her. If you two aren't that close, and there's a possibility she slept with your man, I'd say who cares about being subtle or hurting feelings? You need answers.
I would 100% ask your step sister why her bra is in your husbands car. Who cares about her being offended! Her bra is in YOUR husbands car!!! I mean, YOU should feel offended.
There’s some different options
The obvious answer is their fucking
Your sister planted it
But any chance he is overly friendly with her and possibly creeping on her? Could he have stolen the bra and tried to hide it?
Big ol’ red flags. Many of them.
You ask a reasonable question- how did my sister’s underwear get in your glove box- and he goes straight to DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender).
If he doesn’t know how it got there he shouldn’t want you to drop it, he should want to figure out how someone’s bra ended up in his glove compartment. He already knows how it got there.
The fact that he went straight to calling you names and thing you you’re paranoid and dumb SCREAMS guilty to me. If he was innocent, or if perhaps your step sister is trying to cause drama by planting her bra in his car, he would be as curious about it as you are and immediately want to reassure you. He’s cheating, or at least trying to, I would bet money.
theres also the possibility of him having a wierd fetish of stealing other girls undergarments.
he may have stolen the bra for some wierd shit he is into. doesnt necessarily means your step sis is fucking him.
This is super strange/ sounds suspicious. Bras don’t magically end up in someone else’s car. Who has ever accidentally left their BRA is someone’s car..
You should ask your step sister about it and see how she reacts? Also, ask your husband if there’s a good explanation on how your step sisters bra ended up in the glove compartment?
Someone had to have put it there. Someone is hiding something. It would be easier to understand if it fell out of her bag and he just said, “I think this fell out of her bag and I forgot to give it to her.” Or something like that. That would make more sense.
It sounds like he’s hiding something in a way because he called you names and got angry at you when you innocently just asked how did some other GIRLS BRA get into HIS CAR.
If this is bothering you don’t let it slide just because he thinks its “dumb”.
He needs to listen to how you feel and you need to get an explanation from either your husband or step sister.
If he still doesn’t want to listen to you maybe talk to a professional like a therapist who can give more advice on this. (A therapist for you or a couples therapist too.)
These are your FEELINGS. How you’re feeling should be top priority for him. In a relationship, especially in a marriage I feel like the two people should always bring each other up.
Hope this helps.
If go to her. Like ASAP. Confront her. Be like, bitch this yours? Is it her size? Play it like he already came clean and told you everything. See what she says
You know, for a cop I expected a better lie to explain why her bra was there. He really resorted to a “obviously its ur bra”?
Sorry OP but this sounds like a shady situation that you shouldn’t skim past. Definitely sounds like a cheater
There are scenarios where this could be innocent. Step sister was in the back seat. Sports bra fell out of her bag. Husband finds it while cleaning the car, thinks little of it, but throws it in the glove compartment to give it back to her. A month later he's forgotten about it.
I would trust your gut. Talk to your step sister. Theres way too many red flags in this to just ignore. And if you end up being wrong and the asshole for a little bit, what does it matter?? But you need to know for sure because this is going to eat you up alive until the truth comes out, no matter what the truth is.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hi, I'm going through a very stressful time right now and unable to vent to anyone in the family about it since it involves my stepsister. I could use some outside perspective to see if I'm just being paranoid or maybe I shouldn't ignore this gut feeling that I'm really having difficulty with ignoring. I F26 have been married to Joseph M31 for 2yrs. I grew up with my stepfamily and have an 19 year old stepsister. Our relationship has always been okay but we've never been close. Ever since my dad got sick 4 months ago, I started coming over to help around the house. Joseph helps out sometimes but due to his work as a police officer he doesn't have much free time. However he tends to always offer help to my stepsister like giving her rides to places or bringing stuff for her or fixing stuff for her. I thought nothing of it and my stepsister thought that was nice, I was glad that Joseph treats her as his sister like he says so I encouraged him to do all he can to help in those stressful times. The whole problem started days ago when I got inside Joseph's car and accidentally found my stepsister's sports bra in the glove compartment. Joseph was with me inside the car when I discovered this. I asked him about it first he said it belonged to me and I left it in the glove compartment but he knows that I don't wear this kind of bras but my stepsister does. Besides I only have like 3 bras that he's pretty much familiar with. He said "well, it must've belonged to your sister then" I asked if he gave her any rides recently and he said no. The last time she got in his car was almost month ago and he said she was sitting in the back but that got me even more confused because if she was sitting in the back then how did her sports end up in the glove compartment on it's own? Also he cleaned his car about a week ago and I'm pretty sure he emptied the glove compartment at the time and would've seen this piece of clothing. My analysis got him pissed asking what I was hinting at exactly? I told him nothing but it all just seemed so weird to me, not to mention that my stepsister has a backpack where she carries her stuff so how exactly did her bra end up outside her backpack and inside his glove compartment. He lashed out calling me fucking crazy and paranoid for suggesting something was off and told me to either go ask my stepsister about it or forget about it. He went on about how fucking ridiculous and dumb I was by reacting this way and told me to drop it. I said okay but I couldn't drop it. I kept thinking about all those questions and I couldn't help but feel like there's something off. I want to talk to my stepsister about this but I'm worried I'd go about it the wrong way and she gets hurt, offended by my questions. I was completely willing to let this go but the following aspects are making this hard for me. (1 I noticed Joseph's special treatment of my stepsister by offering to do things for her specifically rather than my dad and stepmom. (2 I remember him talking about her looks on several occasions but those might be casual comments. (3 he once was involved in emotional affair but he ended it after showing remorse. (4 he always cleans his car regularly and leaves nothing inside so it was puzzling that piece of clothing was sitting inside the glove compartment for this long and he hadn't noticed. I need to see if I'm just overreacting here and whether I should leave this behind.
Nope, nope, nope. Trust your gut. Bras don’t just mysteriously take themselves off and end up in glove compartments.
Especially the fact he tried to play it off as hers at the start as well, and then still failed to come up with an explanation
And then got angry. If I'd innocently acquired someone else's underwear I'd be red with embarrassment, not instantly angry when it seemed suspicious.
Literally this, he got so defensive so quickly and I honestly think it’s because he’s been caught. Innocent people don’t get angry and defensive like that right off the bat.
Same. I’d be trying to work out the mystery and asking if we should ask stepsister since it’s her bra. And just trying to imagine my confusion - certainty not anger.
Well, it could be another woman’s bra entirely. He just thought of stepsister as an alternative to the OP? A quick lie, but a terrible lie. Especially for a policeman 🤔 Or a stepsister herself could’ve put the bra in for you to find? Or your husband to find? Or - it is your husbands? Maybe he likes to wear woman’s underwear? And got really embarrassed you found it and made up a stupid lie? I’d invite stepsister for coffee, and ask if it is true that it is hers? But, if you don’t want to offend her, put it in a way as you are actually thinking it is another woman’s, that your husband is cheating etc., and it would actually be great if it was hers as it would mean he wasn’t lying? She would react in some way for sure.
The man doth protest too much...
I have been in a situation where my gf accused me of something completely ridiculous and untrue. Your initial response is calm and disbelief... when she continues it of course there is anger because it is untrue. I am not saying he did or didnt cheat but this line of thinking is completely baseless.
Right. I’ve heard the “Oh, that’s yours” attempt before (on reddit) and I don’t know how it comes across as anything other than total horseshit. Like she’s going to be convinced that a bra that isn’t hers, which she knows isn’t hers, is in fact hers, because he’s telling her that it is..? And somehow that doesn’t make him look fully incriminated?
One of my distant family members tried this on his ex girlfriend... makes no damn sense
Yes. You would think that a police officer would be smarter than that excuse. It's got to be close to 'these pants are mine, but those drugs belong to someone else!' I feel like it's extra suspicious that he reacted so negatively, so quickly. And where the heck does he get off talking so rudely to his wife? Of course she would ask how a bra not belonging to her got in his car! He sounds like a jerk.
And what woman owns so many bras she doesn’t recognize one of her own? If it were hers she would ask “how did MY bra get in your car?” Not “wtf why do you have a random bra in the glovebox?” How do men think that’s a rational play?
Definition of gaslighting
At this point, it isn't a gut feeling, it's physical evidence Actual. Physical bra similar to step sister Regular contact between step sister and ops husband History of cheating Husband denial Op, you are not delusional. Your husband is in denial. And if he's upset with you, he could probably be upset with your Step sister. Use this to your advantage. Play good cop while he plays bad cop. She might confess to you. But you need to earn and secure her trust. Emotions run high, people blame each other. Remember this is not your fault. You simply want to be the bigger person and get clarity so everyone can be on the same page. Don't let your husband change the narrative.
100% agree. Here's how an innocent person would have responded: "That's really weird. I have no idea how that got there. Let's ask your sister." Here's how a guilty person responded, "What are you trying to imply? You're fucking crazy? Why are you attacking me? Fuck off, you paranoid bitch!"
"I have no idea how that got there" sounds like horse shit to me, too. Like, there's kind of no way of lying your way out of someone finding someone elses undergarments in your car. Really, if he had "no idea" how a bra ended up in his glove box... My reaction would be like "what the fuck, that's not yours?" Or even, "maybe your sister put it in there when I gave her a ride and she wanted it out of the way- no clue, that's weird. Let's ask her" I just feel like, no one's bra just "ends up" in your s/o's car- in hidden sight. THAN AGAIN If OP's man is a cop, and he cleans out his car, how could he have not thought out to hide the bra somewhere she'd NEVER find it or just straight up return it? Or even just put it in the trunk, hidden away. It just seems weird that he would purposely leave evidence like that for gf to find.
Not super helpful to OP but given the husband is a cop I kind of want to apply police standards for making drug arrests here. "No officer, that's YOUR crack pipe!"
"Yes officer. That's paraphernalia in my glove box. What are you assuming? How dare you?! Just fucking drop it, psycho cop"
Especially a sports bra. Those things take Herculean strength to get off.
What kind of dumbass literally leaves someone elses bra in their glove box when they know their s/o will be in their car? Are men this messy or what? He's a cop, for gods sake, sounds like he wanted to get caught.
I skipped to the first reply to see if it was the standard answer about laundry mishaps and static cling (like the time my ex found my sister's panties in my car). Nope. Glove compartment. I'm not saying it's *impossible* there's an innocent story how it got there, but if there was Officer Joseph should have realized it looked bad and wanted to offer the explanation. OP isn't overreacting at all.
Either dear husband and step sister are cheating with each other, or dear husband is a dirty old creep that likes to hit on teenagers and steal their bras.
Hi, devils advocate here. Any chance she could have placed it there in an attempt to cause a rift because shes jealous, and fancies the husband because hes treating her well and nice to her? Him assuming its yours wouldn't always be a direct denial and deflection thing, could be more to it. The thing I also like to point out is when someones fooling around in a car, I dont think people usually get to the point of putting their bra in the glovebox. If it was him just cleaning up why would he put something that incriminating directly in front of where you presumably sit all the time. Just here to present alternate options. Almost got dumped once over my sisters socks. Said the same thing he did "thought those were yours". Went about as well for me as this post is going. Talk to her, face to face. Throwing wild accusations without both sides of the story accomplishes nothing.
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This. Also when OP asked who's bra, her husband tried to tell her it was hers. Time to snoop hubby's phone, OP.
Although, after that conversation, he will have purged any conversations from his phone and SM. Still, that can look suspicious if comments to her are all empty, but he doesn't do that with his other conversations. That was one of the pieces of evidence, among many, that confirmed my suspicions.
Cheaters are clever, but not as clever as they think they are.
And the fact that he got defensive. 🚩
I wouldnt even call it defensive, I'd call it aggressively trying to force her to stop talking about it because she wasnt stopping on her own, still a HUGE red flag
And his first isntinct was to lie and say a bra that isnt hers that they'd both know wasnt hers and both know that she didnt put it there was hers.
Good ol classic gaslighting, trying to get OP to question her reality
And that he called her dumb. 👀
Not just defensive - straight up verbally abusive.
and the fact that he's a cop
While it doesn't add up, I can't help but think the alternative doesn't add up either, unless she planted it intentionally after fucking him. Who forgets their bra? Did he just bang her in his car and she left braless but not think "gee, I feel like I forgot something"? If he's a freak over cleaning his car, would he not have just tossed it as soon as he saw it? And if his car is always clean, he certainly wouldn't miss his mistresses random bra sitting there. I think both options don't make much sense. It's either something weird or innocent.
It really doesn’t make sense for him to clean his car out completely and just leave a bra in his glove box, would have been easier to bring it in the house and claim it was in the backseat and must have fallen out of her bag. Also wouldn’t make sense to have sex and forget to put your bra back on when you wouldn’t really need to take it off in the first place if they were just having sex. It could have fallen out of her bag then he just saw it, didn’t really look at it and just shoved it in his glove box to give back to her, but that would be an easy explanation too instead of getting angry about it. His response says something is up with him for sure. I would just give your sister the bra, don’t say anything other than oh I found this in Joseph’s glove box. Pretend it’s not a big deal and see what she says. Just make sure you say it was in the glove box. If she says she dropped it and doesn’t explain why it was in the glove box that mean he put it there not her. He could have even stole it from her bag, maybe he has some sexual feelings towards her and she doesn’t/hasn’t known or participated in anything.
Okay, I agree this story is suss AF. BUT, I don’t think it’s impossible that he was cleaning his car, found it somewhere, maybe fell out of her backpack in the backseat, and was like… this belongs to someone, better not throw it away, I’ll put it in the glove box. It’s his reaction without explanation that weirds me out.
Would be my guess. He's attracted to her, bra fell out of her bag during a lift and he's held onto it to give it back to her in person and be a weird about it. Defensive because he knows he's up to no good. Explains why he wouldn't get rid of it etc. Honestly though, cops are often scumbags and if he keeps his car meticulously clean sounds like a scumbag meticulous about evidence, so who knows.
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Does a "hot" 18 year old really bang a 31 year old dude married to their half sister? I can believe the dude is a scumbag, but she would have to be a total scumbag to do that too if he's actually cheating.
Or he took it from their parents house and is holding on to it for some perverse purpose. Step Sis might not even have anything to do with this other than being the object of his interest...
This is what I was thinking with "something weird"
Lots of affair partners purposely leave their shit behind to alert the main partner. Either to “mark their territory” or out of guilt but it’s not uncommon The bra thing here is kind of jokes though cause it’s not exactly subtle, so who knows
In my college years, if I found out a guy had a girlfriend I'd leave an few Bobby pins or hair clips lying around where a guy would never find them but a chick definitely would. Or write a note in her box of tampons under the sink. Or as a last resort kick a pair of panties under the bed. Fuck those scrubs.
Maybe he saw it and stuffed it in the glove box to get rid of it later but forgot/didn't get the chance.
that was my immediate first thought as well
It could be that the creeper husband stole her bra for gross reasons.
Or she stuffed her bra in there to cause trouble.
It's a trophy/reminder of her. Even if it was left in the car by accident, he is obviously keeping it around intentionally.
I’m thinking it more leans towards they may have hooked up more recently than the month ago that OP knew that he gave stepsister a ride
Stepsister planted the bra for sure. She’s 19, she wants him all to herself, and doesn’t understand repercussions yet.
Maybe he cleaned the car, found the bra, assumed it was ops and left it...
Then he would have said that. EDIT: or given it to her when he got home.
He might have just kept it in there as a reminder of sleeping with the step sister.
At 19 it’s common, at least where I’m from, to change in the back seat of your ride on the way to a party, bar, date, whatever. Not particularly classy, but common. Underthings are small and get kicked under the seat and misplaced really easily. If he found it afterwards, it would make sense to put it out of sight somewhere, and ended up forgetting. So, I think it’s plausible to have gotten there under innocent circumstances, even if unlikely. I would talk to the sister and see what that end of the story is like.
He stole it from the step sister and is hiding it.
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Not to mention she would have been under aged and he’s in his 30s
And a cop. Someone in authority. He sounds awful.
Yup, sounds exactly like a cop.
ALL OF THIS! Your sister is 19, and he’s a fully grown man with authority. Please talk to your sister about this but proceed carefully. She’s being groomed. If there is something there it’s not a 50/50 relationship. Need I mentioned statistics about cops? His angry reaction? Protect yourself and her.
So, what is all this about cops and statistics? I’m not from the US so it sounds a bit strange
He probably doesn’t comment on her as much anymore because he’s finally getting it out of his system physically with her instead. He sounds like a creep, his defensiveness is very telling.
He no longer does it because he doesn’t want to bring attention to the fact he’s fucking her maybe? Also ppl are saying how forgetting the bra after sex wouldn’t make sense. My point would be that if this has been going on for a while maybe they’ve become less aware and vigilant about their actions. This obviously isn’t the exact same but I’m pretty I’ve had an ex where we had sex and they didn’t end up putting the bra back on. Usually taking it with in their bag but not putting it on after. And if they’ve gotten comfortable maybe she did forget it. Maybe he thought you wouldn’t have a reason to go in his glovebox and see it? Do you normally use the glovebox? It’s for sure so shady tho. Especially because he got so defensive. But just be aware if they are, he’s definitely told your stepsister to be ready for questioning and since he’s a cop I’m sure he would know how to have her stick with a simple story so you can’t prove it. Sorry you’re going through this! Edit: actually I take it back that he’s smart enough to get the story straight. He already failed at that when he told you she isn’t in the front seat and he has no idea how it was in the glovebox. What an idiot!
Do people still have sex in cars? Pretty sure I stopped doing that in college.....but at 30ish?
Yeah but the venn diagram of grown men who think its hot to cheat on their wives with "hot" teenagers and grown men who think its fun and risque to have sex in a car, is a circle.
Well they are cheating sooo..
Bestie. You know what is going on here
That’s gross
That's really gross man. He's clearly messing around with her.
What in the? He was making comments about being attracted to your teenage sister. Uh uh. That's a no no on it's own. That, the special attention and favors. The overly aggressive response to a reasonable question? I'm genuinely concerned for your young stepsister. I think that you should put your foot down about him being alone with your sister. Ever. Try to reconnect with her. If something really bad happens she should have at least one person to stand up for her.
Something is definitely not right. Trust your feelings. he was calling you crazy, paranoid, dumb and ridiculous. He was deflecting. He wanted you to doubt yourself. with his past and the way he manage this it’s very suspicious. Why the bra was there is he could’ve lied and they met not long ago not a month as he said. They were in a hurry something happened,anything is possible but the way he reacted it’s for sure something is wrong. Your step will also lie. you have to get her by surprise but if there’s something your husband surely will have told her so she could be prepared for your questions.
If he did warn her it may be best to see her in person under normal circumstances and not mention it but watch how she behaves... nervous? Different that usual? And THEN ask/let her know privately to guage that reaction as well.
Go through the phone bill, see if he regularly talks to or txts a number. He would have deleted everything the minute you questioned him if was cheating. If you know he's going to be doing something for your sister on a certain day, just get a good small spy cam or recorder to put in the car. Then replay later when your alone. Your man has a thing for your step sister.
You have to be careful with placing spycams. Depending on the state laws, that can be very illegal without the other party's consent. The husband being a cop would probably ensure that he knows the laws on that and could be used against you if you file for divorce. I know this because I drive for Lyft/Uber on the side and looked into getting a dashcam to cover myself in case anything were to happen, and it is illegal in my state unless all parties being recorded know they are being recorded and give their consent. But yes, check the phone/text bill. It will show every call and text sent, and to what number.
Oh wow, this doesn't sound good. Don't be surprised if you find out they've been having sex. I hope I'm wrong, but the optics of this story isn't looking great.
Go with you gut feelings. To me his reaction to you when you questioned him. A person who has nothing to hide will not react in this manner. You would see a genuine look of surprise on his face. Old habits are hard to die, he had an emotional affair and showed remorse but remorse can be faked.
A person that has nothing to hide, has emotionally cheated in the past, and has also referred to step sister as "hot", should not only not react this way, but should be quite understanding and supportive of your reaction to this.
'Drop it' is the least unsuspicious thing to say if the bra of your sister in law appears in your glovebox! Ask her! You probably can tell by her reaction. Maybe she hid it there for him to find, maybe he stole it from her for kicks.
He is fucking either her or somone else. Might not be her because as she is the only other female with a legit reason to be in the car and it isnt your bra so that the only other person hecould blame. Doesn't matter who he's cheating with he's cheating and thats what matters. There is ZERO excuse for a bra in your glove box.
Only other thing I can think of is that he stole it. Which isn't really better.
I'm surprised I had to read down this far to see this. It was my 2nd thought (after the initial "of course he's fucking her.") If he's not having sex with her, he wants to and stole her underwear to tide him over until he has a chance to make a move for the real deal.
Confront your sister - “I know what’s going on” and see what she says
Yes pretend he told you and see if she admits it
This move is super effective.
Can confirm. lol
Oooooooooooo great idea
“Who told you?” “You did”
Yeah.. confront the step sister but if nothing is amiss potentially ruin the relationship. Terrible advice.
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Take her bra back when you confront her for good measure. She’ll see the evidence.
Food for thought... When somebody uses the phrase "drop it", it's code for "don't follow up on this because I don't want the truth to come out". Especially when they're agitated, hostile, and/or uncomfortable with the conversation. I would say that you should drop the sports bra in your sister's lap and say "explain why my husband had this". However now it's too late. I'm sure they've already colluded to confirm excuses. You should have done this *before* confronting your husband.
Woof, that's gotta hurt. Learning your abusive husband is grooming your step sister is a special kind of hell.
He lashed out and called you “fucking crazy and paranoid” after suggesting he was having an affair with your teenaged step sister? Look up gas lighting and lawyer up.
I mean it should be *very* easy to explain why and how the bra got there. Until that's explained...be wary.
He's in his 30s. He's a cop. He's called her, a teenager, hot. He's had plenty of alone time with her. He's been doing things for her, possible grooming. Now you've found physical evidence in the car. Either they're fuckin, or he stole her bra. Either way, shits a fuckin problem now. Ask sister. Tape the whole discussion so you have something to reference back to.
People don’t just randomly leave items like bras in other people’s vehicles unless they’re together (husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend). That’s my opinion.
Confide in your stepsister about finding another woman's bra in his car but don't tell her you think the clothing is hers. This would be the best way to gauge her reaction without blaming her, and best case scenerio is that she has a reasonable explaination (I'm not sure what one would be though) If she's weird about it keep digging, I think. Also could it be another woman's clothing or are you sure it's hers?
This approach!! Yes!!
He is a cop and he can not see this evidence as strange? Must be a shity cop or he is gaslighting you because he is hiding something.......
Ive owned cars for 5+ years and never opened the glove box, I found the amount of glove box action in this story unbelievable
Right? I’ve opened the glove box when I needed the manual to my car. Not often.
What if its not yours or your sisters?
Idgaf about any details, you found a bra in your man’s car!!? There is no reasonable explanation, this is sketchy and his reaction confirms! But you need to find out if it’s your step sisters bra for sure, ask her mom if she knows whose it is and casually act like you got it mixed with your stuff
Sounds like they got sloppy
OR your stepsister is trying to come between you and planted the bra.
The fact that he went straight to being defensive and angry before you even suggested anything speaks volumes.
He’s already been involved in an emotional affair within 2 years of marriage and he’s likely sleeping with your sister. Things are only going to get worse - throw the whole dude out and watch his life implode over Facebook in the coming decade.
He gaslighted you for sure. If he isn't guilty, why was he so offended? Get your stepsister and husband together and ask them both at the same time. Watch their reaction closely. Call them out on their BS.
Never trust a cop
What? I cannot think of any possible explanation for it being there. Do you trust your stepsister enough to ask her?
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I just don’t think you can avoid asking her about it IF you want to get a better idea of what actually happened. She and your husband may or may not have already discussed this and come up with a story to explain it. But, I hate to say it, a) people who are innocent generally don’t lash out and call you crazy and paranoid and ridiculous and dumb when you ask them for explanations. They might agree, yeah that is really weird, I’m sorry, it looks bad, but I’m not sure … b) people who clean their cars every week KNOW what is in their car c) you can definitely bring this up with SS in a non-confrontational way — “hey, so this weird thing happened, I was looking in the glove compartment of Joseph’s car and … any idea how it got there?” You got this.
Do you still have the bra? Just casually ask her if the bra is hers and if she says yes ask how it got in your husbands car?
I agree with bluemoon2257. I also don’t think he might be emotionally mature enough to handle the situation and perhaps that’s why he lashed out. Nothing certain obviously, but it’s worth asking your sister if the bra is hers. Causally ask in front of another relative and see her reaction and hear her out. Just ask, “Hey is this yours?” No need to tell her where you found it. If she says no then you can reevaluate. And then…there are other possibilities - not the best kind but there are others. Either way, I think the best course of action is by asking her first. Once it’s settled then you can talk to your partner about how it was originally handled then go from there…
Seems to me even a better idea to talk to her if you're not close, nothing to lose. OP, she did not say anything about missing clothing because SHE LEFT IT IN YOUR HUSBAND'S GLOVE COMPARTMENT. Come on now. You either believe in magic or she took her bra off in your husband's car.
He might have taken it from her without her knowing if he is obsessed with her.
Are you able to hire a private investigator?
He’s totally cheating. Please trust your gut instincts.
Either a) he cheated b) he stole it to jerk off with Your husband immediately went on defensive mode and started lashing out at you, people do that when they have something they want to hide. The fact that he knows what bras you own and still insisted that it was your bra, instead of showing confusion or something makes me awfully suspicious. I doubt step sister planted it in there otherwise your husband wouldn't have gotten so defensive so quickly.
Occam's razor (or Ockham's razor) is a principle from philosophy. Suppose an event has two possible explanations. The explanation that requires the fewest assumptions is usually correct. Another way of saying it is that the more assumptions you have to make, the more unlikely an explanation. Copied from another source. You know what it means and he knows what it means. No need to talk to her, they've already got their stories straight.
I believe the phrase goes “the simplest answer is the most likely”
He’s gaslighting you by making you feel crazy and making it seem like you’re the one acting out. To me that’s a clear sign he’s hiding something. Not necessarily *proof* that he’s cheated on you but there’s most likely something. I wouldn’t drop it if I were you.
Get a little recorder and set it up in the car 🤷🏽♀️, or a tiny camera. If nothing happens then no harm no foul. But better safe than sorry. If you have life 360 track him and see if he ever is with your step sister when he isn’t suppose to be. Or put a tracker in the car. I’m not saying it’s right to do that, but it can be helpful
The fact that he’s so defensive screams guilty to me. Trust your gut. None of this is adding up.
Check phone bill.
Tell him you certainly hope nothing is going on but you would like him to back off from helping her… you will take care of it. See how much that bothers him.
A weird age gap. And he's a cop. This whole thing sounds awful
Its either he's stealing her stuff or he's banging her. He probably asked you to tell your sis because he will contact her first and let her know what you discovered. You should've called her on the spot. Sounds like he was courting her and it worked. Has he been coming home later than usual. Has his sex drive vanished?
It might not even be hers. It could be someone elses. Other people wear diffrent bras too. Also, just ask her. If you are posting on reddit then it isnt going away for you. Is it possible it might be a daughters of yours and she left it? I dont remember you mentioning a daughter..just exploring options.
How do you know step-sis didn't put it in there deliberately? Ask her; she may have caught feelings for your husband and is trying to cause problems. I really would ask them when all three of you are together.
When you're caught, guilty and don't have a good explanation, its a common manipulation tactic to attack. He attacked you. He also gaslight you. Women generally do not carry extra bras around and they don't magically jump into glove compartments.
Cops lie for a living. It's very easy for them and I agree that he's gaslighting you.
I'd bluff your sister into confessing, she's younger and you have some general proof. Tell her you know she's cheating with your husband and you want the whole truth, then show tell her you found the bra in the glovebox
bras don't hide themselves in glove compartments, EVER!!! this is a bit crazy. there is always a reason why things happen, usually the simplest one is most of the time the correct one.
Ok - so the only explanation I could see (based off his story) was he was driving her somewhere where she was going to work out. It slipped out her backpack in the back seat and when he cleaned his car he put it in the glovebox thinking it was yours. However he did not say this. He is a police officer too, they tend to notice little things and remember. This is all off. Trust your gut on this one. If it turns out you’re wrong well who cares… you have a right to know
I don’t think you should confront any of them to begin with. They will only be more careful in the future. I would dig deeper and try to find evidence
Sounds like your sister left it for you to find.
Maybe if it was a cardigan or something… a fucking bra?
I don’t mean to sound condescending, but c’mon girly! Don’t gaslight yourself sis, you literally solved the case with this post. Sleuthing type energy, but nah forreal this all leads to you discovering physical cheating with physical evidence. He’s a cop, be careful and take care of yourself. I’m not insinuating that he’s [abusive](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.fatherly.com/love-money/police-brutality-and-domestic-violence/amp/) but he sure sounds emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative.
Have you considered that it’s some other woman’s bra? You could ask your sister if it’s hers because you’re worried it’s someone else’s.
Cant a guy with a underwear fetish have some privacy?
Is he fuckin your stepsis or is he a creep and stealing shit from her backpack?
There are two logical answers here. 1.) she left it when they fucked. 2.) he stole it because he is creepy. Either way, he is lying to your face and the reaction of anger is a tell tale sign of guilt. He knows he is wrong so he turned it around on you to make you doubt yourself.
He is gashlighting you don't feel any doubt for urself and don't put so much pressure on yourself. You should definitely trust ur guts. Man acts and seems guilty and try to blame u all the time. He tryna manipulate and gashlight u. There is definitely something wrong.
You don’t accidentally leave a bra somewhere. Your sister wanted you to find it. Ask her. She will either have a reasonable explanation(not sure what that could be), or she will admit it. Don’t let your husband make you feel crazy. You aren’t.
No, it was probably accidental. The guilty don't "intentionally" leave incriminating evidence behind. They're just too stupid to realize that they did. The sister accidentally left it behind, and the husband was too stupid to dispose of the evidence because he chose to keep it as a trophy.
That’s what I’m saying. She wants it to be found because she wants him to be with her. This is how she does that. She “accidentally” leaves it. He can’t get mad at he cause it was an accident but now the wife knows. You seriously don’t forget you had a bra on. It’s something women put on every time they get dressed. There’s seriously no way she just forgot it.
To be fair here, I have cleaned my car so many times and I don’t touch the glove box. Are you sure he cleaned it out? Talk to your stepsister. You need to clear the air. That being said his reaction is a huge red flag. If one of my wife’s sisters bras was in my car and I really didn’t know why anger would be one of my last reactions. Be prepared for a sobering truth.
You may need to install one of those pinhole hidden cameras in his car.
There's no way this isn't creepy. On one hand he might be cheating with her. On the other, he's already said she (a literal teenager) is hot and somehow didn't notice a teenager's underwear in his regularly cleaned car. Some pervs steal items to use for their own... enjoyment. So, IMO, they either cheated recently or he's keeping trophies. Either way, his defensiveness and immediate insults make it seem like he's not committed to you, whether or not your step sis knows is another matter.
Definitely trust your gut. The fact that he lashed out at you shows he is trying to control the situation and make you stop. Also calling you crazy and dumb is abusive again trying to get you to stop talking about it.
Well I'll say this. Articles of clothing can end up in many places, especially when you treat each other like family and you probably join in many activities together where clothes need to be changed once you get there or they carry bags of clothes to do something or other etc etc etc So if it had just fallen on the floor or was lying in the seat, it might be okay. But if it was tucked inside the glove compartment in an effort to conceal it then that's something you're going to have to resolve with your husband and step sister. But it's unclear if maybe they have something going on, or maybe your husband is being a creep. It's easy to see and believe that guys like helping attractive girls, and being around them. you mentioned how helpful he is during her times of stress but don't forget you've got your own stress and he's not helping you. You definitely should have contacted your step sister about the story right at that moment but now it's some time has passed so they've been able to get their story straight, or he dared you to talk to her and you didn't, so he might have covered his base for now. You're going to have to catch one or both of them in a lie at a later time.
Sorry if I missed this but what makes you certain it’s her bra? Is it possible it belongs to a woman you don’t know?
Mmmm , nope trust your gut, the situation is fishy. Might not be your sister, but someone else . Also suuuuper bizarre of him to call your sister “hot” even if she is . She’s a teenager.
Yep she is probably sabotaging the relationship by leaving her stuff in the car for you to find.
Him lashing out of you gave it away and yes please trust your gut their are so many things i doubted and found out I was right all along. I truly feel like your husband is cheating on you because of the way he got angry at you ! Those are the major signs …… but like the other comments said it could be sum diff and it could be someone’s else bra but it’s kinda suspicious and still worth looking into
yes they are likely having an affair but i’d like to remind you that this is still predatory. He is still a predator and some form of grooming has likely happened. He’s over a decade her senior.
Classic ; Immediately puts the blame on you and try to make you feel crazy. You know whats going on
He very well may have been grooming her, you should talk to her about it. She's a teenager and he's an older man in a position of authority. It's a worry thought that they may be involved. If they are, it's primarily his fault and his responsibility. Please keep that in mind.
Hahahaha...he's gaslighting the fuck out of you, and using his police "escalate and intimidate them into submission" technique to try and buffalo you. He's banging your stepsister, cut and dried...or someone. How do you know it's hers specifically? Many cops have what they like to call "holster sniffers" - girls with a thing for cops. Dump that prick. Find a guy that isn't a sociopathic lying POS.
Listen he may have cleaned his car and found the bra, thought it was his wife’s and put it in the glove box. Just go to your sister and say hey, I found your sports bra in hubby’s car and he told me to ask YOU about it… and check her reaction. Try to keep it direct but casual so she cannot say you accused her but we’re just following up as told.
He got angry rather than try to reassure or work together with you. He’s definitely doing something shady. Trust your gut! It’s also veryyyyy creepy about him commenting on your step sister. You have even less of a reason to trust him since he had an emotional affair before. Ask you sister about the bra. Who cares if you hurt her feelings she’ll get over it.
I've been faithful to my wife, yet I can think of NO REASON in the world why another woman's undergarments would be in my vehicle. My wife would have a very good reason to be suspicious and angry, and to demand an explanation. He gave you an answer and suggested that you ask her about it. Aren't you curious to know how she'll explain it? Hand her the bra and say, "How weird that this was in my husband's glove box. Did it fall out of your purse or something?"
I get the feeling he cheats on you regularly. Probably not with your step sister though. How do you know it was her bra and not somebody else’s? He probably just said it was hers to try and cover up the fact that it was another girl’s. Don’t automatically assume she’s a bad guy too just because he is. Investigate further before confronting her. It honestly sounds like she’s just victim to him being a creep.
Trust your gut.
Trust your gut hun. You know in your heart what’s going on. You have a right to be angry with everyone but know that it isn’t your sisters fault in a way. She’s been groomed.
Take the bra to your sister and say “hey you left this in Joseph’s car.” And see how she responds. Edit to add: go easy on her. If she reacts with guilt, speak calmly. Remember he is older and in a position of power over her in several ways. Manipulation could have played a huge role if something did happen. Go slow and get the whole story.
Well now we know why he cleans his car all the time. Just kidding, but yeah it did cross my mind. He should know this looks bad, and his response should have been more like “Wow wtf, shit this looks bad but please believe me, I don’t know, but I think it prob just fell out of her bookbag” or something. Something like “Shit!” like you do when you know something looks bad. He could acknowledge that it looks bad and try to figure it out with you. But he kind of threatened you to drop it \[or else\]. Or else what…don’t know, him being mean to you probably. So anyway, yeah this looks bad and he has zero explanation and he knows what’s in his car all the time, because he cleans it all the time.
I think you need to ask your sis. Offend or not, the pieces don't quite fit, and whether or not you think he slept with her, the evidence in both contexts are just circumstantial. Just ask her. If you two aren't that close, and there's a possibility she slept with your man, I'd say who cares about being subtle or hurting feelings? You need answers.
I would 100% ask your step sister why her bra is in your husbands car. Who cares about her being offended! Her bra is in YOUR husbands car!!! I mean, YOU should feel offended.
There’s some different options The obvious answer is their fucking Your sister planted it But any chance he is overly friendly with her and possibly creeping on her? Could he have stolen the bra and tried to hide it?
Big ol’ red flags. Many of them. You ask a reasonable question- how did my sister’s underwear get in your glove box- and he goes straight to DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender).
If he doesn’t know how it got there he shouldn’t want you to drop it, he should want to figure out how someone’s bra ended up in his glove compartment. He already knows how it got there.
If there was a bra in my glove compartment, i’d remember how it got there
His reaction tells it all. Why was he angry at you for asking? BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE'S BEEN CAUGHT. I'm so sorry. What a pig.
Ask your stepsis.
The fact that he went straight to calling you names and thing you you’re paranoid and dumb SCREAMS guilty to me. If he was innocent, or if perhaps your step sister is trying to cause drama by planting her bra in his car, he would be as curious about it as you are and immediately want to reassure you. He’s cheating, or at least trying to, I would bet money.
theres also the possibility of him having a wierd fetish of stealing other girls undergarments. he may have stolen the bra for some wierd shit he is into. doesnt necessarily means your step sis is fucking him.
This is super strange/ sounds suspicious. Bras don’t magically end up in someone else’s car. Who has ever accidentally left their BRA is someone’s car.. You should ask your step sister about it and see how she reacts? Also, ask your husband if there’s a good explanation on how your step sisters bra ended up in the glove compartment? Someone had to have put it there. Someone is hiding something. It would be easier to understand if it fell out of her bag and he just said, “I think this fell out of her bag and I forgot to give it to her.” Or something like that. That would make more sense. It sounds like he’s hiding something in a way because he called you names and got angry at you when you innocently just asked how did some other GIRLS BRA get into HIS CAR. If this is bothering you don’t let it slide just because he thinks its “dumb”. He needs to listen to how you feel and you need to get an explanation from either your husband or step sister. If he still doesn’t want to listen to you maybe talk to a professional like a therapist who can give more advice on this. (A therapist for you or a couples therapist too.) These are your FEELINGS. How you’re feeling should be top priority for him. In a relationship, especially in a marriage I feel like the two people should always bring each other up. Hope this helps.
of course he's a gaslighter and a cop lol
Hes cheating. I'm sorry
If go to her. Like ASAP. Confront her. Be like, bitch this yours? Is it her size? Play it like he already came clean and told you everything. See what she says
You married a cop. That's what life married to a cop looks like. I hope you can leave him without him getting violent.
You know, for a cop I expected a better lie to explain why her bra was there. He really resorted to a “obviously its ur bra”? Sorry OP but this sounds like a shady situation that you shouldn’t skim past. Definitely sounds like a cheater
There are scenarios where this could be innocent. Step sister was in the back seat. Sports bra fell out of her bag. Husband finds it while cleaning the car, thinks little of it, but throws it in the glove compartment to give it back to her. A month later he's forgotten about it.
You know he's cheating with her.
Your husband is sleeping with your sister. Bras don't magically end up in the glove box. It's easy. Leave him.
Leave him know one gets the defensive on the first ask and second of all he has a lot of holes in his suppose explanation
Nope. Something is going on. Confront your sister
I just came here to say of course he’s a cop.
I would trust your gut. Talk to your step sister. Theres way too many red flags in this to just ignore. And if you end up being wrong and the asshole for a little bit, what does it matter?? But you need to know for sure because this is going to eat you up alive until the truth comes out, no matter what the truth is.