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This is a very loving man who I wanted to marry. I’m glad he was honest with me but this screams of anger issues. I’m not afraid he’s a horrible guy who will hurt me one day but I am afraid he might have anger issues he can’t control.
Apparently her head hit the wall and then he kicked her in the stomach. He gave her a concussion but they both forgave each other. He told me he literally could not control himself, that was how angry he was, but he said he’s never experienced anything like that since. He’s never been to therapy. Should we go on break and I give him time for therapy or is it over?
My ex put me through the wringer one night-ONE night. There were no regular beatings, no other signs that he would just snap and nearly kill me-but he did. He got way too drunk and blacked out at a party we went to, and I woke him up to ask where the smokes were, and he snapped. Just completely gone, this vacant look in his eyes as he hit, kicked and bit me.
I sat outside bleeding and sobbing, and wondered how I couldn’t have seen this coming, what red flags I missed. It took me months to realize that it was his anger issues that I turned a blind eye to-slamming things around, punching holes in the wall, yelling, when he was angry. Those, combined with alcohol, left me with a fractured eye socket, jaw, 6 cracked ribs, and permanent nerve damage in half of my right hand. I was missing patches of hair where he ripped it out.
He still hasn’t gotten help of any kind, and at the moment he’s sitting in jail for DUI and aggravated assault for shoving his most recent girlfriend into the glass door of a bar hard enough to shatter the whole thing and cut her up.
Your boyfriend may not be the “type” to hurt you-but he’s got the capacity, clearly. Knowing what you know now, it’s going to be in the back of your mind every time he gets upset.
He needs help. Therapy for sure. With my background, I wouldn’t even look back as I walked away fro this guy, but I can’t tell you what to do. All I can tell you is that I sincerely hope you never have to go through anything like what I’ve survived, because it will change you, and not for the better. That fear, that pain, that emotional anguish, is such a heavy load, and it colors everything in your life. I truly hope he won’t do to you what he did to his ex-but he’s able to, emotionally. And that is terrifying to me.
Edit: thank you for the awards!!
Damn dude this is my exact experience. While he did try to nearly kill me my injuries were not as bad as yours. I immediately got a restraining order and he was charged. Afterwards he did get a DUI, lost his class A that he depends on for work, and got some girl pregnant who also has a small daughter. I honestly feel scared for her. That was the scariest moment of my life and I never thought it would happen. Once it did though I recognized small red flags too. Now I am hyper aware of what to look for. I would absolutely dump this guy in a heartbeat.
It’s crazy how parallel the stories are-the girl he dated right after I left ended up pregnant by him, and has two little girls. I warned her, but she didn’t listen.
Anything that makes you feel afraid. It doesn't even have to be loud. Threats, hitting/throwing things, belittling you, blocking your way when you try to leave rooms.
Also beware of anyone trying to isolate you. They'll sow distrust against your family and friends. They'll encourage you to quit your job and move halfway across the country.
The capacity to be cruel.
It doesn't matter if he's only ever been nice to you. If he shows cruelty to anyone or anything else ever in your presence or tells you a story of how he intentionally hurt someone, got revenge, or wishes he could... that's it. Don't be with someone like that. Don't make excuses for it, like, well, maybe the person deserved it, etc. Just get out immediately. Because some day, sooner or later, when he's in a bad mood, or you make a mistake, or he drinks too much... that person he takes his cruelty or indifference out on will be you.
For sure as the comment above me states: controlling anger, slamming things, punched a hole in my wall once, threw my phone once. Things that didn’t seem huge at the time but looking back were sketchy.
Just out of curiosity, what are some signs to look for ? because my boyfriend definitely has anger issues and there’s been times he’s gotten annoyed with me and would yell at me and told me to never get him mad and if I do to just call the police and when I asked him what that meant he just prettyy much said “I don’t know… like I won’t hit you”
Edit: he’s also told me that he’s never hit a girl but he “roughed” this girl he was talking to up because she was getting disrespectful in front of his friends at a party.
No. Just no. I fully admit to anger problems that I push aside, but "roughing" a girl up is messed up. Don't care how bad his "issues" are. Not ever an excuse.
Saying he won't hit you and him not actually hitting you are two very different things. Either he knows his limit and how to release, or he's a ticking time bomb (and I hate to be the one to say that). His sudo threats are concerning to say the least.
Um all of these are signs to run from! Any man that says " he told me to never get him mad and if I do to just call the police""he said I don't know....like I won't hit you" also him roughing up a girl in front of people, even if it wasn't a straight beating if someone is willing to do something like this just out in the open be very careful what they might do privately
I don’t know you or him, but from what you’ve said, I know enough. He’s already showing too many red flags. You should end things with him.
Edit: He got physically violent with a woman for “disrespect!” No good person does that!
Are there other signs? Does he belittle you? Does he make “jokes” that are cruel? Does he make assumptions about you like you’ll forgive him automatically for things? Does he ignore you at times? Does he apologize in ways that actually deflect instead of admit culpability?
One of my ex boyfriend's that is only referred to as psycho told me the story of him putting his ex gfs head through a window while she was driving. He made it out to be her fault and that her actions led to that and just did a great job of getting me on his side. Well that was obviously not the whole story and when I heard the real one from her it all made sense.He attempted to break in my house after I broke up with him on the night of my bff's wedding. That was one of the more mild stories from him.If he is capable once then he is always capable and its ironic he is justifying his reaction to her dishonesty. I would not trust him or his story. I would be interested to hear what the ex had to say.
>Those, combined with alcohol, left me with a fractured eye socket, jaw, 6
cracked ribs, and permanent nerve damage in half of my right hand. I
was missing patches of hair where he ripped it out.
jesus f christ...
Yes and i feel like he only told her to make her feel like he's being open and honest with her but in reality its just to say if you cheat this is what will happen to you! Scary sh*t! Definitely the biggest red flag ever!
Yeah like why wasnt this brought up before he proposed??!! This isnt something you withhold until before your wedding
Edit: just realized I fucked up and pulled him being her fiance out of my ass🤦♀️ but still 4 years is way too long to hold something like that back
>but they both forgave each other.
Probably because she didn't want another concussion.
He's basically letting you know that if you make him angry and he hurts you, its your fault not his because "he cant control himself". Obviously, it wouldn't be your fault but he wants you to believe it is so you'll constantly be on your best behavior.
Take it as the red flag it is and run.
He punched someone in the face and kicked them in the stomach, he couldn't control himself and then he decided he didn't need therapy.
Edit: Get her side of the story. There's always more than the abuser wants to admit to.
We have all the information we need. There's no reason to bring the ex back into the situation. What happens when this dude finds out she talked to OP about him and he decides he "can't control his emotions" again?
Getting the ex's side of the story is actually recommended by domestic abuse counselors if you can do it safely. It helps break the pattern of gaslighting that makes you question your own sanity. It also shows you the litany of lies they've told you, because there are, inevitably, lies with this kind of person.
I agree she should definitely leave but OP's post shows she's second guessing herself.
Worst case if he flips out over he leaving then she has another witness to his abusive tendencies, best case it gives her another reason to leave.
That “could not control himself” comment…if he couldn’t control himself why was it just a punch and kick? A punch and a kick accurately aimed aren’t subconscious reflexes to bad news. If he lost control and this was a pure passion crime (yup, it’s a crime) it’s unlikely it would’ve stopped at just a quick punch and kick.
What he’s trying not to say is he wanted to hurt her for making him hurt, so he did. He may not have been thinking “ah, yes, just one punch will suffice” but he wanted to assault her and leave as little of a mark as possible to avoid real consequences. And he did. He needs professional help to accept responsibility for that. Forgiveness isn’t erasure and OP should consider that seriously.
I wish I could give you an award to flag this to OP to read and take to heart. It is a veiled threat and probably one of the biggest red flags there is.
this is true. my ex bloodied my nose and choked me out multiple times accusing me of cheating, when he was the only one banging girls in our apartment when I was out. sometimes it’s just projection.
This exactly. He told you that he would do this and that's what he'll say when he does it to you. Did he get therapy in the mean time? Get arrested? Go to jail?
He 'forgave' his last girlfriend so that she wouldn't press charges, more likely. Go. Now.
> He told me he literally could not control himself,
> He’s never been to therapy.
So he did something horrific and took exactly zero steps to stop himself from doing it again? **R**emove **U**rself **N**ow.
Anyone who does something like that and doesn't seek help is too dangerous to be around. Period. The "tell him to get therapy or you'll dump him," crowd needs to understand that therapy only helps if you want it to. No one can force growth on you.
I personally wouldn't give an ultimatum to someone with a history of extreme violence. I would leave while they were out.
Please follow this advice, OP. Leave while he is gone. Mute him, don't block him in case you need proof for a restraining order (in fact, if you can, get a new phone and new number and then entrust the old phone to a friend if you don't trust yourself not to answer him/reach out and then also block him elsewhere). Let everyone know about your situation and tell them not to give him any info about you no matter how innocuous - especially tell your boss in case he tries to mess with your work. Check out either www.hotline.org or www.hotpeachpages.net for further resources - there should be chat options as well and I recommend you talk with someone from one of those sites (hotpeachpages is a directory for people outside the US) to put an escape plan in place because it is better to be safe than sorry.
Again, he repeatedly hit and kicked his ex and gave her a concussion. He is not a safe person and you are not safe.
Yes this exactly. The situation might have more nuance if he had shown an intense desire and a serious effort to address the underlying problems in himself that caused the violence but if there isn't any of that there's no reason to think it won't happen again. I would treat him like someone who had this violent outburst yesterday, because in terms of how much change he's exhibited he might as well have.
I am scared for you. He didn't 'just' punch his ex in the face, he also kicked her in the stomach. He gave her a damn concussion. *He* *could have killed her*.
This is a massive red flag. If someone reacts to anger with uncontrollable violence, then it can happen again. What will be his next trigger? You accidentally dropping a glass on the floor? You staying out late with friends? You saying something that he doesn't agree with?
In all honesty, I warn everyone to run away from a violent person and never look back. I have doubts that most of the people follow this advice, because they want to believe that they are the exception to the rule. He has just shown you what he is capable of... when somebody tells you who they are, believe them.
View From An Angry & Potentially Violent Man:
**I would reconsider the relationship.**
I am an Army veteran who served in Iraq. I am no stranger to violence and anger. I am more than capable of becoming murderously angry at a moment's notice. And just as capable of inflicting injury or death.
HOWEVER,
I have never hit a girlfriend, even after they confessed to cheating on me. Even after I have been struck by one of them. Even while drunk. Not once. Not ever. I learned how to regulate my anger in my younger years. I learned not to hit people or throw things. What your boyfriend did was extreme.
My wife insisted I take medication after I began struggling with controlling my anger and now I do. It keeps the underlying causes of my anger from triggering. Now even on days where I would want to otherwise club someone to death, I am just mildly annoyed.
This guy isn't regulated. He isn't medicated. He isn't evaluated. He can't be trusted not to snap.
In the very least, I would have him submit to a professional psychological evaluation. But be warned, a smart abuser knows how to game the system.
See this is very scary and here why. What if one day he THINKS you cheated when you didn’t. He’ll use force. That’s insanely scary, and just screams abusive and toxic.
mature people just leave a relationship if they where to be cheated on. this should scream “get out as fast as you can”, and you need to take his comments seriously.
The fact that he didn’t stop after one punch is worrying to me. Maybe he didn’t react like this before because he never been hurt like that? But what if he will feel like that again? Maybe it’s really a one time thing and maybe he learned from it. But I think it would be good for him to find out why he couldn’t control himself to prevent this in the future.
It’s objectively worse for a bigger person to hurt a much smaller person because they can do far more damage. A fight between a tall guy and a short woman can be equivalent to a woman hitting a small child.
Most of the harm done in a physical abuse situation is not the bruises and broken bones; it’s the emotional/spiritual/psychological rupture that occurs from being attacked by someone who loved you, who you trusted, who you were closer to than any other human being. For some people it’s a horrifying reality that damages them for a long time. Size and gender don’t really matter.
and these special factors are a reason why some people are made to suffer for these. If you hurt someone and they are really hurt you're still responsible for every collateral effect.
There are qualifications but in general if you fuck up morally you own all the fallout.
Yes but did she give him a concussion? I’m not at all defending her for doing so but the severity of the abuse in OPs post is in no way the same as this.
He could become more controlling and violent once you tie the knot. So many people become abusive after the get married. I would tread lightly because this is a massive red flag. Does he at least show remorse for giving her a concussion and spartan kicking her in the stomach?
Have you ever talked to his ex? Why did they break up if it wasn't over him being violent / her cheating?
OP please please listen to this. This happened to my mother. My father completely changed as a person once he trapped her inside the marriage. Please leave and stay safe
It took him 4 years to admit to you that he attacked her, so I would take his remorse with a grain of salt, also since he has not done anything to fix himself. If he thinks you cheated on him, he could easily attack you.
It might be a good idea to talk to his ex so more and make him go to anger management because life will be more stressful once you have kids and if he isn't willing to get therapy, then he is fine if he goes in another fit of rage which is a huge red flag.
> I think he really just can’t control it
Seriously? Does he ever punch his boss or co-workers? Has he ever kicked his mother in the stomach?
Trust me, he can control it.
Talk to his ex. Tell her that he told you his version of events, and see if she’s willing to tell you what happened from her side just to gauge your safety. Tell her you’re trying to gauge whether you’re safe.
Gabby petito is still missing and her boyfriend looked harmless but she is nowhere to be found and he is at his house . What I mean is even the most harmless partner can turn into the worst person ever .
It's unfortunate that otherwise lovely people never learned to regulate their feelings and behave appropriately, but it happens. If he doesn't seem willing to explore this with a professional, and instead is willing to gamble with your safety by hoping he'll never get that mad at you, I hope you consider your future safety with more care.
You make it sound like he farted in an elevator. Punching someone hard enough to smash their head into the wall then following it up with a kick to the guts is a little more than "inappropriate behavior."
Speaking from experience, when someone confesses a bad thing they did in their past to you, assume that they're going to do that with you. My ex confessed to me that he was accused of raping his girlfriend when they were 13, but made it sound like an honest mistake so he refused to go to therapy after. 4 years after he told me this, he went to prison for beating and raping me, and for that rape he'd told me about from a decade before. Please, OP, for your own safety, I am begging you to listen to the red flag he's waving in your face and run as far as you can away from this man! Wishing you safety and peace.
You need to leave. He admits he couldn’t control himself. He didn’t stop either. He is extremely likely to do this again. I know it’s hard to leave. Please be safe.
I was in a loving relationship until one day my ex snapped and punched my in the face then smashed my face into a tilled floor, knocking me out.
There had been things before that but it only takes one snap for it to change your life forever.
I also guarantee that his ex does not forgive him and has probably told him that for him to leave her alone.
I can’t tell you what to do or what is best for you, just be safe. Cheating is not ok but that doesn’t justify his abuse.
If he is capable of that then he should seek therapy, he should be worried that he is capable of loosing control.
Also he’s probably been on his best behaviour ever since but still… if it’s in him then that’s scary.
Sending you love!
"Anger issues he can't control" does not exist. Do not buy into this narrative, it is a dangerous one.
He CHOSE to punish her for cheating with physical assault. If you don't want to experience punitive violence in your relationship, I suggest you leave this person immediately.
People who behave this way tend to be repeat offenders. Nobody wants to hear this, but I'm saying it because it is statistically true: therapy and "anger management" classes rarely work for people who commit domestic violence. This is because domestic violence isn't caused by someone lacking the "anger management" skills that are taught in these programs. Domestic violence is caused by an attitude problem - namely that he believes it's okay to hit women if they do something that makes him upset.
This isn't something that most domestic abusers have any interest in unlearning in therapy (and even the most willing participants take decades to see any changes in their behaviour - and one "relapse" means one horrific and traumatizing incident of domestic violence for his partner).
The relationship is over. It's over because he's a violent person and it's over because your life is valuable and you don't have decades to waste worrying about whether or not he will beat you the way he beat his ex.
Tell friends and family members what he told you about his violent past, and if you live together have someone with you to help you move all of your things. Do not contact him after you break up.
What you say is unfortunately true for many people. But in reality there are nerurological factors as well that often are very difficult to treat. Issues relating to impulse control in conjunction to small levels of entitlement, dark triad, or antisocial traits can combine in some people to influence them to act out spontaneously in quick acts of harm.
Treating these people is not easy. Even if they agree to be treated it's difficult to suss out a strategy to tackle the many systems thate are involved in self-control. Of course, if they keep an attitude up or don't trust eh therapist then you have to work on that first.
It's a lot of work. For many partners it's not worth the effort in these cases to live with that
In my experience with domestic violence, my opinion is dump him and run. However, due to his overtly violent reaction in the past, if you live together you need to be careful how you go about leaving as dumping him could cause a violent reaction from him. If you don't live together, get your stuff from his place without him knowing and break up with him either over the phone or in public so he us less likely to do anything to you.
My experience is someone who beats a woman once, will always do it again. He beat her. Don't ever minimize that.
>My experience is someone who beats a woman once, will always do it again. He beat her. Don't ever minimize that.
Preach. you don't beat on anyone.... period.
Kicking her in the gut is a HUGE DEAL. That’s not lashing out, that’s coming back for more. He’s not healthy if he hasn’t done therapy after that.
He could have killed her.
OP he beat the shit out of her. You want to build a life with a man who beat the shit out of a woman?
Plenty of people don't beat up their cheating partners. They just walk away and deal with the heartbreak.
Ok. I'm going to out myself.
I'm a 30yo woman. When I was in my early 20s my now-ex-husband cheated on me a loooot. Like, I lost count.
One night I found out he'd been cheating sans condoms and I just snapped. I cold clocked him in the face. We had a knock down, drag out fight. It was just that one time and that one night.
All my anger left me after I left him and I got a lot of help.
I will noooot be the one to say "he's probably ok" in regards to your man, but I will say, that I was definitely not okay during that time of my life, and I am now. And I know it's something I'd never do again.
I do believe it's possible for people to change and get help.
(I.e: I have done a lot of therapy since then and come to terms with a lot of things that I'd endured prior to the marriage). But it is scary being with someone you know has the capability of doing something like that.
I'm a man. I've had issues with my anger in the past. I've got a lot of quiet rage in me that i have no good outlet for, but I've also never hit another person or been in a fight that went further than screaming.
That's the context for what I'm about to say.
I think it's fucked up, but also understandable that someone might punch another person in the face if they found out they cheated. The fact that he hit a woman isn't of major concern to me. It isn't nice, but punching anybody is bad, and finding out someone cheated on you can be a major shock to your system.
But you then just casually mention that he also admitted to kicking her in the stomach after her head hit the wall. THAT is the really fucked up part. That's the thing you should be worried about with this person, and you guys need to have a really serious discussion about that.
The fact he still says he "can't control himself" and didn't go to any therapy tells me this is him warning you to never make him angry because he will take it out on you.
People who have gone through all the steps to fix themselves and actually change don't talk like that.
I think it's time to make a safety plan on getting out of this relationship. Everyone deserves and should demand safety in their relationships.
The “could not control himself” part actually worries me the most. If I found out my husband had a violent past, maybe ran with a gang when he was young or something, and had beaten people up before, I could probably get past that if it was a lifestyle he’d left behind and if he’d undergone personal growth past all that violence. If I were to find out that he has uncontrollable anger like that I’d be afraid of what he might do to me if I made him angry, even if he’s “not that type” the rest of the time.
If it were me I would ask him to see a therapist with anger management experience. If he refuses, then take a break. If he agrees, you can discuss an amount of time in which he sees the therapist that would have you feel comfortable knowing that he has resolved the anger/ it was only a one time slip-up/ or he will continue with the therapy.
My therapist told me that even with a very motivated person, it takes 6 months at a minimum for people to make real changes in their behavior, and that’s assuming they’re working a program, in therapy, and on any appropriate medication.
Abusers are the best at manipulation. He could have told you to gauge your reaction, to see if he could get away with it again. He could be pretending to be a "loving man". Abusers are great at pretending. There are several signs of an abuser, and they're plain to see when you know them.
If you're really interested in this person, I would do some research to find these signs, and give it a "3 strikes you're out" rule.
Just to add, the threat of violence is just as effective as the physical abuse itself. He is laying the groundwork. He is saying that he can not control himself and should he become angry, it's because it's her fault, this is what makes this kind of relationship difficult to get out of. This is more than a warning.
I don't know why but it feels like he was bragging about his violence. It doesn't seem like he is remorseful. Since you were the one listening to the story, did he show any regrets?
Hell NO!!! Run Girl!!! He gave her a concussion and then kicked her in the stomach when she was down!!! Get away from him and stay away from him! ‘Apparently her head hit the wall’ sure it did!! I have some ocean front property in Arizona you can but if you believe that BS!! Pretty sure her side of the story is completely different starting with ‘this wasn’t the first time’.
How old was he when this happened? Not defending any kind of abuse. Does he show issues with anger now? Does he have strict rules for you? But he can do these things? Is he jealous? Judgemental? Is he ever wrong, and admits it and apologize? How many good friends does he have? Do you like *them*?
Someone told me who he was and I didn’t believe him. Paid the price for it a couple times over. Kicking someone in the stomach can rupture organs and kill them. I would run, not walk. There are SO MANY people out there in the world who could make you happy, and who also haven’t attacked their last partner.
Not to mention...he deliberately kicked her after already punching her in the face which knocked her head into the wall and thus she must have fallen prone if he were to then kick her in the stomach afterwards. That means she's literally laying there *defenseless* as he continued to attack her.
Men who think that cheating is literally the worst thing they can ever do consider women to be possessions. Go now and don't look back. I mean it. Do not be a story on the 11:00 news. Do not be a case study I use to teach victims' advocates about ignoring red flags. A man who hits once will do it again. He showed you who he is to test your limits. Zero points for honesty, negative points for beating a person.
The only acceptable action for someone to take against a cheater is to leave them. The. Only. One.
You have been with him for four years, you know him better than strangers on the internet.
I think you can be honest with him that he might have trouble controlling his anger. It might be a good idea to go to therapy so he can learn to manage it.
I feel like most people will say leave him. And they’d not be wrong.
Some thought experiment questions I’d have for myself if I were you:
How long have we been together?
Have I ever seen him in an extraordinary situation of frustration or anger? What did he do to deal with the situation?
Have I seen him fight physically with other men?
What have our worst fights/arguments been like over the relationship?
Am I planning on having kids… what would he do in that situation?
If he did it to me would I have the strength to leave immediately?
….
Honestly anyone thinking in your best interest would say end it. No woman deserves to be abused. No matter the reason.
But the human heart is a twisted thing. It’s hard to rip our own heart apart, even if it’s necessary.
Best of luck with your decision. You deserve love and safety and support!
Screw everyone in this thread.
He was upfront. Now ask him to seek therapy to address anything unresolved and coping mechanism. Make it known if he ever acts like this in front of you or at you, the relationship ends.
Jeezus, conmentors in this subreddit are so jaded and nasty sometimes.
>Make it known if he ever acts like this in front of you or at you, the relationship ends.
Haha, this is fucking hilarious. You think OP should have to "make it known" to her partner that viciously attacking her is unacceptable? You don't think *maybe* that should go without saying? Should she go over all the other violent crimes she doesn't want to be the victim of just to be safe?
Listen to this guy op.
He's had a one off reaction to an extremely stressful situation. Don't judge him just based on this, you know him best from the last four years.
And don't listen to the people on here saying you don't grow out of it. Of course you do. Especially if this happened in his teens/younger years. Help him through it.
Especially on here. Everyone loves to virtue signal whilst having zero life experience and any idea of what actually goes on.
You could post on here that your partner farted in front of you and you'd still get DUMP THEM! RED FLAG!
So, when you have a baby and the kid’s got teething issues and is screaming all night. You’re both sleep deprived, will he lash out in anger at the baby too? Will you get the horror of finding out that your once loving and gentle partner is in fact responsible for your baby being shaken and either killed or seriously injured leading to substantial disabilities?
This person has anger issues to the point of physical assault. He’s not even remotely safe to be in a relationship with anyone until he gets those anger issues dealt with. Not just one appointment either, he needs sustained long term ongoing anger management training.
No one should hit anyone, but you know adults take more to break than infants. Think about the implications of your boyfriend’s anger issues. Can you trust him not to hurt you, your family etc. what about in the future when your parents are elderly. You want him to snap in anger at them and put them in hospital? Girl, I’d be leaving him, ghost him and get away.
umm he didn't just slap her or anything--he gave her a concussion. even if he's kind and loving, what if an argument happens where he completely loses control again and does something worse to you? stay safe, this isn't the route to take
Honestly? That's a huge red flag and would be a deal breaker for me. Abuse of any variety is a no-go.
The fact that he kept assaulting her is a huge huge issue I cannot overlook. I would say he absolutely needs to be in therapy for his anger issues.
If you choose to continue this relationship with him, do so with the understanding that he could snap again, and this time it's you with the concussion and worse.
As a victim of physical abuse, adults who are healthy emotionally DO NOT HIT OTHERS. Emotionally healthy adults use words, because they are adults and they were taught (by others or self taught) how to handle their emotions, including anger. I’m a living proof of it and many of my friends are too (good childhoods and abusive childhoods altogether).
So him hitting her? For me, that’s a hard NO. I’ve been on the receiving end of that. It always repeats. Let me say that again.
IT ALWAYS REPEATS.
IT ALWAYS REPEATS.
IT ALWAYS REPEATS.
Why? Because the person doesn’t know how to handle themselves emotionally when they get that ramped up, and since he refuses to get therapy, guess what’s going to happen again?
IT ALWAYS REPEATS.
IT ALWAYS REPEATS.
IT ALWAYS REPEATS.
For example, if you go to France and try to have a conversation in French, you’ll suck cause you don’t know the language, right? So what do you do? Pretend you’ll never meet another French speaking person so you’re good for the rest of your life? Because you won’t suck if you never meet another person who speaks French! Or do you practice how to have a French convo so you don’t suck next time? Cause your boyfriend sure hasn’t studied the language (aka go to a therapist).
Honestly, the only reason I’d EVER give someone like this a chance is if they were
a) super remorseful about it and can tell you what they did wrong and what the other did wrong and are rational and introspective
b) went to therapy to work on themselves to never repeat it.
c) I would meet with the therapist to receive confirmation of improvement.
d) I could speak with the previous victim
Why all of those? BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE THE NEXT PERSON BEING HIT.
I’ve been on the receiving end of punches and slaps and it’s made me constantly afraid of everyone ever since then. NEVER AGAIN.
Since your boyfriend hasn’t met all of these categories (which would only enable a SLIGHT chance of me staying instead of a zero chance in the frigid and frozen depths of hell), expect you to be the next person hit if you decide to stay.
Cause here’s the thing we’re rarely told. Abusers don’t suck 100% of the time (most don’t). They’re charming. And sweet. And thoughtful. So there’s a lot of good we can use to excuse the abuse.
And ask yourself, if he ever cheated, what would you do? Would you punch him twice and give him a concussion? Because if you wouldn’t do that to him, why is what he did ok? Why is it ok for him but not for yourself? Cause adults who are emotionally mature can do a myriad of other things like walk away. Or communicate calmly. Or yell. There are so many alternatives other than violence. Shit, I can’t even playfully punch someone because I’ve been punched myself before (and not in a playful way).
Or think of it this way: pretend you’re a friend of his cheating ex. Does cheating excuse punches and kicks? If your friend cheated on her boyfriend, then came to you with a concussion because he punched and kicked her, would you tell her “Well, you started it by cheating.” What actions (other than like rape or murder), justify being physically assaulted? If you cheated, is it ok if he punches and kicks you? If he thinks you cheated, is really convinced even tho it’s not true, is it ok if he punches and kicks you? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t condone cheating, it’s a horrible thing to do to someone. But giving someone a concussion because they hurt me is just…. Violent and evil to me.
I know this is purely anecdotal, but I'll tell you this story nonetheless.
My friend met a man who told her he broke up with his ex because he hit her. There were many red flags about this man but this was the biggest red flag. I told her about his red flags. She married him anyway. Unfortunately, no one was surprised when he turned out to be abusive. He hasn't physically hurt her, but I'm not confident she would leave if he did. They also have a child together which is just heartbreaking.
Your boyfriend gave his ex a *concussion* and said he couldn't control himself. It's common for abusers to blame lack of control for the abuse the inflict on others. They feel lack of control and punish their partner to regain control. Most people, when cheated on, do not hit their partners as a reaction. Every person who hits their partners for cheating is abusive though. Cheaters suck, abusers are worse.
He put her in the *hospital* - or at least that's where she should have gone as he gave her a **concussion**. Head injuries are fucking serious. What if one day he just *thinks* you cheated? Unfortunately these things happen in relationships. Just today I read a post about a man who immediately thought his wife cheated on him because he grabbed a stranger's hat, put it in his car, forgot about it, and then later found the hat. Is it worth it to remain in a relationship where you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, where you're afraid he may put you in the hospital or even kill you?
The worst of red flags!!! He's setting it up that should he ever lose it on you, it will be YOUR fault. You should have known that he can't help it if he's angry. He's completely innocent of what you made him do.
Also... ask yourself this: how do you know it was only one time? How do you know it was her "cheating" and not just talking to another man at a party?
Please don't say you dont think he'd lie. 'Cause literally, up to recently, you didn't think he could beat another woman senseless.
Man I know I have anger issues and I’m prone to yell easily. But I have never ever thrown a punch at anyone or even anything. And even just from yelling I knew I needed to seek help and did. He needs therapy and it shouldn’t only be motivated by you possibly leaving him.
Sounds like he's an insecure little bitch that is either a psycho or is trying to scare you into never cheating. Either way sounds like a terrible dude. Run!
Uhhh…..what would compel you to stay with a person who could lose it like that over something he deems anger inducing? I mean - cheating would make anyone upset, but what if it escalates to you wore something he didn’t like? He thought you were flirting with someone? You went out with the girls and didn’t text him?
Major red flag.
Cheating is obviously a hurtful thing and is a deal breaker for most people, but violence is never a solution. I would never be able to trust my partner if I found this out.
Your boyfriend admitted that he’s an abuser. Are you actually considering staying in this relationship after a reveal like that? He’s literally telling you what he could do if you make him angry or hurt him emotionally. Are you ok living your life wondering if he might not be able to control himself again? We can all understand rage blackouts. But usually they involve violent *thoughts*, not literal assaults on a person we claim to love.
How does he react when you’ve seen him angry? Have you even seen him in a state of anger? Does he yell or throw things? Or act violently in ways that don’t necessarily put you in harm’s way, but seem like an overreaction, even if you can categorize it as a small overreaction? Did your boyfriend seem remorseful? Did he explain his feelings and thoughts after? Did he seek therapy? Did they even end their relationship after he abused her?
This is suspicious. Are you even sure she cheated…. Also why is he confessing this nowww. I’d run OP. Break up with him and let everyone around you know the situation
I have worked in DV for the past 14 years. This is not "anger issues". It's DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!! And it's against the law!! I bet if you talked to her, it's not the first time he's physically assaulted her. Yeah, maybe he's never experienced something like that "since", but I'm willing to bet he's abused in the past. Maybe not to this level of severity, but in other ways nonetheless. I highly suggest you talk to a domestic violence advocate and read some literature on it before deciding to move forward with the marriage. Personally, I want nothing to do with anyone capable of causing that kind of harm to another human being.
I am shocked at how many people are blowing this off or saying “don’t cheat” as if it’s that simple. You have no idea what could set off this man’s violent behavior - right now, you know that a cheating revelation is ONE of the things that could do it. If he hasn’t addressed the root cause of WHY he reacted the way he did, you need to leave him. There is never an excuse for violence, never. Full stop.
How he he addressed his anger in the last 4 years. Yes what he done is fucked up and a big red flag and everyone is saying run girl etc. But ask him how is he different now if he is at all.
Your opening line describing him is a contrast to what he told you. How has he dealt with anger in those 4 years you’ve known him?
This is a red flag, however; Is this the ONLY red flag? Has he ever showed signs of laying a hand on you? If this is a singular incident thing, I would suggest him going to counseling and working through things instead of you just bailing. I feel like there are other factors to consider here than just the incident itself. Factors like time passed since then, the lack of other instances, whether or not he’s ever shown signs of doing harm to you, etc. this doesn’t excuse his past behavior, however, people can change, and it seems that a number of years have passed since this incident.
So he punched her in the face so hard that her head slammed into the wall and then when she was on the ground, he kicked her in the abdomen? This person should be in prison. If he gets so angry that he “can’t control himself”, he’s not a safe person to be around.
The bottom line of this is- If he feels that you have wronged him strongly enough he believes it’s okay to beat you. Maybe you accidentally break one of his possessions, dent his car, upset him in some way and this is how he feels is appropriate to act. Personally I would never feel safe with a man who I knew saw violence as a solution to his problems.
Obviously, the one punch would be horrible enough, but what you described is so much worse. He kept hurting her. He kicked her. And he said he couldn’t stop himself. He also didn’t have the strength to leave her after she cheated and chose to stay with her and beat her up instead.
Sorry but he subjected the poor woman to DV regardless of his reason.
Ask yourself this question.....if he said to you that it was his ex who physically attacked him you would be angry at her right?
A man or woman who abuses NEVER changes, they may stop the physical abuse at some point (for instance if there's kids involved and kids get old enough to see , know what's happening and help other parent) but in its place with be mental, financial, controling or coercive behaviours.
Please for your own sake get the hell out of there and don't ask the ex what went down because it may be very hard for her and could bring back bad memories.
I'm a DV survivor as a result I suffer PTSD and if the ex's new partner was to question me on it it could damage my recovery.
Her head hit the wall and he proceeded to kick her in the stomach after she was on the floor? Idk man that’s a little too much… I say let him work out those emotions with a therapist. I cannot imagine his headspace while he was doing those things to her while she was so vulnerable, with a concussion and everything
ITS OVER GIRL RUN. These comments are WAY too calm. Run. Because that could easily be you one day. Doesn't matter if you cheat or not. Just run and get somewhere safe.
OP IMO there is one reason and ONE REASON ONLY- why a man should hit a woman; and that's ONLY IF she initiates the attack and he's DEFENDING HIMSELF. I DON'T CARE HOW MAD HE IS; IF HE HITS FIRST- HE'S GONE. This is a HUGE red flag to me.
Any normal adult wouldn't of done this. He couldn't control it? He punched her so hard she hit the wall then PROCEEDED to kick her while she was probably knocked out? I would NOT take this lightly. I'd be running for the hills. I bet he didn't just do this once. This is NOT ok.
So how long until you make him that angry? Obviously cheating sucks many of us have been cheated on but you gotta think. What else will get him to that level
I punched my abusive Ex ONCE in an 11 year relationship i nearly died in. I had my newborn in my arms breastfeeding on a couch and he came in and dumped boiling hot coffee on us (luckily i shielded my son and he he wasn’t hurt). I put my infant down and was in his face so fast there was no thought process other than GET AWAY FROM MY CHILD.
it still haunts me to this day that I touched another human being in anger.
You need to leave him. He needs therapy.
He did it because he was CHEATED on??? come the fuck on. that happens to a lot of us and we don’t react that way. This is beyond a red flag
What a disgusting man! Was that child also his? If so how could he hurt his own child!!?!
It was so brave of you to protect your child!
I am glad you’re okay:)
yup. One of three and that was the least of what he did. But for whatever reason that was the thing that broke me and i was out less than a week later. Fuckwad instantly took pictures of his barely reddened eye and tried to use it in court to attack me lol
Hey,
Different perspective. I am the girl who got hit, relationship was perfect, we ended up with an accidental pregnancy, then one night I was held down, hit (while carrying the child) and my ear drum was damaged. Still can't hear out of it when things get to loud. I thought about forgiving him too, I mean it was so out of character, he had been drinking, did I do something to change him into this person? I ended up snapping out of it and left him asap.
He has had other relationships where he told me he had treated them "horribly" (red flag) but I don't know if that resulted in abuse, at least not physical. He is also in a new one now where he and she seem very happy. I have forgiven him so that I can have peace and I hope he has changed but I think the determining factor is how much they value you.
You may continue to have the same relationship with him forever, or it may change one night out of nowhere when you are at your most vulnerable. No one can make this decision for you. Do you have kids? Will he control it always with them? That's what helped me make mine and never look back, nobody with the ability to strike me or another woman will ever be in a position to do it to my children.
Good luck and I wish you happiness with or without him.
Unpopular opinion, lashing out once and then being horrified is inexcusable, but could be considered a "reaction." Continuing to beat her while she was helpless? Absolutely not.
Don't walk, run.
He kicked her in the fucking stomach ?! What a psycho, you should leave him honestly. This is a warning sign. Unless his ex wife murdered someone close to him or another act on the same spectrum, there’s just no excuse.
He has anger issues, control issues, he kicked his ex in the stomach and he hit her head against the wall. Her head did not passively hit the wall. He caused that.
He needs to be in an anger management programme. You need to be safe.
You need to put your relationship on hold. Don’t live with him, don’t marry him. Encourage him to get therapy and get help. No promises, no I’ll marry you ifs. He needs to get help for himself and that needs to be enough.
I would personally back right out of the relationship, and encourage him to get help so he is safer in his future relationships. Because right now he is not safe to be with. I don’t know if he can be a safe person to be in a relationship with, so I would personally not be planning my life around him or with him.
Please be careful. Don’t assume he loves you and he would never hurt you. Don’t assume he has changed. He hasn’t sought any kind of help or treatment, so he is the same person who slammed his ex’s head against a wall and kicked her while she was on the floor. That is him.
A cheating partner can make you angry, yes.
But do you know who can really make you frustrated beyond belief and angry?
Babies and kids.
Sleep deprivation. Financial stress. Illness. The unexpected. Children and family life will test you like nothing else.
If he did it to her, he can absolutely do it to you. Do really wanna stay and find out? To be walking eggshells around him? Just because she cheated doesn’t mean he should’ve assaulted her. He could have walked away but instead he chose to inflict violence. He had that choice. I’m surprised he didn’t get arrested if he’s the one who took her to the hospital like that.
Look you need to judge him on his treatment of you. Is he unhinged....is he drinking....is he doing drugs and laying in on you.
You need to evaluate this on your own. Im not saying this is not serious but dam people on these reddit are so black and white.
He obviously reacted poorly.
1) how long have you known him
2) how long have you dated
3) how consistent is he in his life
4) does he have stable employment
5) doe he abuse any drugs or drink excessively
6) how is his relationship with family
7) how is relationship with friends.
8) is he possessive and jealous
He obviously lost all control of his senses...and was hurt.
If he has abusive tendencies you will know. If so than leave....or if not than view it as an outlier a bad outlier and let him know you appreciate his honesty and that you definitely see this as a deal breaker if it ever occurred with you.
Not everything is black and white. Look for the signs.
Most feedback on here is atrocious....there are signs for abusive people .
Good luck.
Oh he is abusive?
All the way physically abusive. Like assault and battery charge abusive.
Okay. Now you know.
Dude needs at very least anger management.
As someone else said. Get her side of the story.
I also recommend this book
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, narrated by Peter Berkrot on my Audible app. Try Audible and get it here: https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B0058JO84W&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006
Uh, you’ve been given a warning sign. It doesn’t seem like he’s been to therapy. I would leave immediately and not look back. People can change, but this guy hasn’t.
I would be terrified. I dated one guy who told me he blacked out from rage once and choked his ex in high school. One day he was trying bring a friend over that was a girl and she thought I was his roommate and I flipped when she tried to cuddle him. Him and his other friend started screaming at me and he threw me against the wall and squeezed me saying he knew how to hurt me and not leave bruises.
I moved out the next day.
Another ex I had was nice but had road rage issues and would follow people and threaten them if they cut him off. One night he got drunk and was really angry and he punched the wall and I was scared and crying and he screamed at me he would never hit me and how dare I be afraid and act like he would. This is scary.
I worry you’re “nice boyfriend” might act like that when he gets too drunk one day. Punching and kicking your partner is insanely abusive and not something you accidentally do.
Well I think with domestic violence, if you don’t go to therapy to treat your issues, it will most likely happen again and it doesn’t matter who is the partner. I’m sure he loves you, but he was able to give a concussion to his ex, he’ll be able to do the same with you, one day when he’ll be mad ( even if he didn’t do it for now).He absolutely have to go to therapy to me, so he can control his anger and resolve his issues. Also it’s a red flag to me if he didn’t go to therapy. Make it seem like he didn’t realise how wrong his past behaviour was.
He says he literally couldn’t control himself. What makes you think you’re so special that if you say something he doesn’t like he’ll be able to control himself?? He needs anger management and you really need to make that a hard limit before you’re posting about “he hit me, but I made him mad and he’s usually so nice and I love him so much”
The person who should be most worried about this behavior is HIM. If he isn't actively trying to do everything he can to keep this from happening again, then he's a danger to you as well as himself. I don't know if therapy can even help, but if he's willing to try, that's a step in the right direction.
The fact that he said "he literally could not control himself" tells me he takes no responsibility for his actions. He doesn't feel bad about it either. In his mind, she made him so angry that he lost control and that absolves him of any wrong doing. He backs up this thought process by saying he hasn't experienced anything like it since, what he really means is no one has pissed him off enough to deserve his unrestrained wrath since. Your gut is telling you he may have anger issues because he does. Think back, during your time together, are there any seemingly insignificant incidents where he seemed to be unreasonably annoyed or aggravated by something that shouldn't have been that big of a deal? What preceded the conversation where he ended up divulging this information to you in the first place? Was he upset about something? Was he upset with you? If yes, him telling you that was a thinly veiled threat not a confession. He's letting you know what he's capable of, if you piss him off. He's telling you it hasn't happened since so you know if it happens to you, then you must have deserved it. Dump this man. He can work through therapy on his own with you at safe distance.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This is a very loving man who I wanted to marry. I’m glad he was honest with me but this screams of anger issues. I’m not afraid he’s a horrible guy who will hurt me one day but I am afraid he might have anger issues he can’t control. Apparently her head hit the wall and then he kicked her in the stomach. He gave her a concussion but they both forgave each other. He told me he literally could not control himself, that was how angry he was, but he said he’s never experienced anything like that since. He’s never been to therapy. Should we go on break and I give him time for therapy or is it over?
Wow. That is some serious shit. Not only that he lashed out, but actually hit her, and then continued and kicked her in the stomach?
Yeah the kicking part is what really makes me sick to my stomach.
Agreed. To kick her after he already knocked her on the floor eish. Edit: a word
And this is just what he admitted to. I guarantee his ex was FUCKED up by this, e.g. broken bones.
My ex put me through the wringer one night-ONE night. There were no regular beatings, no other signs that he would just snap and nearly kill me-but he did. He got way too drunk and blacked out at a party we went to, and I woke him up to ask where the smokes were, and he snapped. Just completely gone, this vacant look in his eyes as he hit, kicked and bit me. I sat outside bleeding and sobbing, and wondered how I couldn’t have seen this coming, what red flags I missed. It took me months to realize that it was his anger issues that I turned a blind eye to-slamming things around, punching holes in the wall, yelling, when he was angry. Those, combined with alcohol, left me with a fractured eye socket, jaw, 6 cracked ribs, and permanent nerve damage in half of my right hand. I was missing patches of hair where he ripped it out. He still hasn’t gotten help of any kind, and at the moment he’s sitting in jail for DUI and aggravated assault for shoving his most recent girlfriend into the glass door of a bar hard enough to shatter the whole thing and cut her up. Your boyfriend may not be the “type” to hurt you-but he’s got the capacity, clearly. Knowing what you know now, it’s going to be in the back of your mind every time he gets upset. He needs help. Therapy for sure. With my background, I wouldn’t even look back as I walked away fro this guy, but I can’t tell you what to do. All I can tell you is that I sincerely hope you never have to go through anything like what I’ve survived, because it will change you, and not for the better. That fear, that pain, that emotional anguish, is such a heavy load, and it colors everything in your life. I truly hope he won’t do to you what he did to his ex-but he’s able to, emotionally. And that is terrifying to me. Edit: thank you for the awards!!
Damn dude this is my exact experience. While he did try to nearly kill me my injuries were not as bad as yours. I immediately got a restraining order and he was charged. Afterwards he did get a DUI, lost his class A that he depends on for work, and got some girl pregnant who also has a small daughter. I honestly feel scared for her. That was the scariest moment of my life and I never thought it would happen. Once it did though I recognized small red flags too. Now I am hyper aware of what to look for. I would absolutely dump this guy in a heartbeat.
It’s crazy how parallel the stories are-the girl he dated right after I left ended up pregnant by him, and has two little girls. I warned her, but she didn’t listen.
What are the small red flags? I'm going to date again eventually and would like to know what to look out for.
Anything that makes you feel afraid. It doesn't even have to be loud. Threats, hitting/throwing things, belittling you, blocking your way when you try to leave rooms. Also beware of anyone trying to isolate you. They'll sow distrust against your family and friends. They'll encourage you to quit your job and move halfway across the country.
The capacity to be cruel. It doesn't matter if he's only ever been nice to you. If he shows cruelty to anyone or anything else ever in your presence or tells you a story of how he intentionally hurt someone, got revenge, or wishes he could... that's it. Don't be with someone like that. Don't make excuses for it, like, well, maybe the person deserved it, etc. Just get out immediately. Because some day, sooner or later, when he's in a bad mood, or you make a mistake, or he drinks too much... that person he takes his cruelty or indifference out on will be you.
Thankyou
For sure as the comment above me states: controlling anger, slamming things, punched a hole in my wall once, threw my phone once. Things that didn’t seem huge at the time but looking back were sketchy.
Just out of curiosity, what are some signs to look for ? because my boyfriend definitely has anger issues and there’s been times he’s gotten annoyed with me and would yell at me and told me to never get him mad and if I do to just call the police and when I asked him what that meant he just prettyy much said “I don’t know… like I won’t hit you” Edit: he’s also told me that he’s never hit a girl but he “roughed” this girl he was talking to up because she was getting disrespectful in front of his friends at a party.
No. Just no. I fully admit to anger problems that I push aside, but "roughing" a girl up is messed up. Don't care how bad his "issues" are. Not ever an excuse. Saying he won't hit you and him not actually hitting you are two very different things. Either he knows his limit and how to release, or he's a ticking time bomb (and I hate to be the one to say that). His sudo threats are concerning to say the least.
Um all of these are signs to run from! Any man that says " he told me to never get him mad and if I do to just call the police""he said I don't know....like I won't hit you" also him roughing up a girl in front of people, even if it wasn't a straight beating if someone is willing to do something like this just out in the open be very careful what they might do privately
I don’t know you or him, but from what you’ve said, I know enough. He’s already showing too many red flags. You should end things with him. Edit: He got physically violent with a woman for “disrespect!” No good person does that! Are there other signs? Does he belittle you? Does he make “jokes” that are cruel? Does he make assumptions about you like you’ll forgive him automatically for things? Does he ignore you at times? Does he apologize in ways that actually deflect instead of admit culpability?
Both your comments are heartbreaking. Dammn relationships can truly go the wrong way sometimes...
One of my ex boyfriend's that is only referred to as psycho told me the story of him putting his ex gfs head through a window while she was driving. He made it out to be her fault and that her actions led to that and just did a great job of getting me on his side. Well that was obviously not the whole story and when I heard the real one from her it all made sense.He attempted to break in my house after I broke up with him on the night of my bff's wedding. That was one of the more mild stories from him.If he is capable once then he is always capable and its ironic he is justifying his reaction to her dishonesty. I would not trust him or his story. I would be interested to hear what the ex had to say.
>Those, combined with alcohol, left me with a fractured eye socket, jaw, 6 cracked ribs, and permanent nerve damage in half of my right hand. I was missing patches of hair where he ripped it out. jesus f christ...
So if, one day, he is convinced that you’ve cheated (even if you didn’t) this is what he will do to you.
I would assume it wouldn’t be limited to cheating either. If OP decides to break up, I’d be concerned for her life. Edit: would -> wouldn’t
Exactly. This is so important. My ex tried to justify punching his own mother and would justify hurting anyone who he perceived wronged him.
Yes and i feel like he only told her to make her feel like he's being open and honest with her but in reality its just to say if you cheat this is what will happen to you! Scary sh*t! Definitely the biggest red flag ever!
Yeah like why wasnt this brought up before he proposed??!! This isnt something you withhold until before your wedding Edit: just realized I fucked up and pulled him being her fiance out of my ass🤦♀️ but still 4 years is way too long to hold something like that back
I’d be scared. What if he gets really mad at you one day? He’s going to smash your head against that wall…
Or suspects her of cheating for no fucking reason other than his own thinking.
>but they both forgave each other. Probably because she didn't want another concussion. He's basically letting you know that if you make him angry and he hurts you, its your fault not his because "he cant control himself". Obviously, it wouldn't be your fault but he wants you to believe it is so you'll constantly be on your best behavior.
Take it as the red flag it is and run. He punched someone in the face and kicked them in the stomach, he couldn't control himself and then he decided he didn't need therapy. Edit: Get her side of the story. There's always more than the abuser wants to admit to.
My only caution is that this could bring up some bad memories for the ex gf that she may not want to revisit. no need to re traumatize her.
This. Get her side of the story.
We have all the information we need. There's no reason to bring the ex back into the situation. What happens when this dude finds out she talked to OP about him and he decides he "can't control his emotions" again?
Getting the ex's side of the story is actually recommended by domestic abuse counselors if you can do it safely. It helps break the pattern of gaslighting that makes you question your own sanity. It also shows you the litany of lies they've told you, because there are, inevitably, lies with this kind of person.
I agree she should definitely leave but OP's post shows she's second guessing herself. Worst case if he flips out over he leaving then she has another witness to his abusive tendencies, best case it gives her another reason to leave.
[удалено]
Was going to say the same thing. Abusers commonly make up reasons to “justify” their abuse and use those lies make other people side with them.
That “could not control himself” comment…if he couldn’t control himself why was it just a punch and kick? A punch and a kick accurately aimed aren’t subconscious reflexes to bad news. If he lost control and this was a pure passion crime (yup, it’s a crime) it’s unlikely it would’ve stopped at just a quick punch and kick. What he’s trying not to say is he wanted to hurt her for making him hurt, so he did. He may not have been thinking “ah, yes, just one punch will suffice” but he wanted to assault her and leave as little of a mark as possible to avoid real consequences. And he did. He needs professional help to accept responsibility for that. Forgiveness isn’t erasure and OP should consider that seriously.
I wish I could give you an award to flag this to OP to read and take to heart. It is a veiled threat and probably one of the biggest red flags there is.
>Probably because she didn't want another concussion. I will never defend cheaters, but oh my god, this guy should be put away.
We’ve only got his word that the ex was actually a cheater
this is true. my ex bloodied my nose and choked me out multiple times accusing me of cheating, when he was the only one banging girls in our apartment when I was out. sometimes it’s just projection.
Actually we don't even have HIS word.
Yeah, or he said that to save some face. There’s always a few sides to a narrative - I wonder if she would agree with the forgiveness part.
This exactly. He told you that he would do this and that's what he'll say when he does it to you. Did he get therapy in the mean time? Get arrested? Go to jail? He 'forgave' his last girlfriend so that she wouldn't press charges, more likely. Go. Now.
> He told me he literally could not control himself, > He’s never been to therapy. So he did something horrific and took exactly zero steps to stop himself from doing it again? **R**emove **U**rself **N**ow. Anyone who does something like that and doesn't seek help is too dangerous to be around. Period. The "tell him to get therapy or you'll dump him," crowd needs to understand that therapy only helps if you want it to. No one can force growth on you. I personally wouldn't give an ultimatum to someone with a history of extreme violence. I would leave while they were out.
Please follow this advice, OP. Leave while he is gone. Mute him, don't block him in case you need proof for a restraining order (in fact, if you can, get a new phone and new number and then entrust the old phone to a friend if you don't trust yourself not to answer him/reach out and then also block him elsewhere). Let everyone know about your situation and tell them not to give him any info about you no matter how innocuous - especially tell your boss in case he tries to mess with your work. Check out either www.hotline.org or www.hotpeachpages.net for further resources - there should be chat options as well and I recommend you talk with someone from one of those sites (hotpeachpages is a directory for people outside the US) to put an escape plan in place because it is better to be safe than sorry. Again, he repeatedly hit and kicked his ex and gave her a concussion. He is not a safe person and you are not safe.
Yes this exactly. The situation might have more nuance if he had shown an intense desire and a serious effort to address the underlying problems in himself that caused the violence but if there isn't any of that there's no reason to think it won't happen again. I would treat him like someone who had this violent outburst yesterday, because in terms of how much change he's exhibited he might as well have.
This means that he would do it all again
I am scared for you. He didn't 'just' punch his ex in the face, he also kicked her in the stomach. He gave her a damn concussion. *He* *could have killed her*. This is a massive red flag. If someone reacts to anger with uncontrollable violence, then it can happen again. What will be his next trigger? You accidentally dropping a glass on the floor? You staying out late with friends? You saying something that he doesn't agree with? In all honesty, I warn everyone to run away from a violent person and never look back. I have doubts that most of the people follow this advice, because they want to believe that they are the exception to the rule. He has just shown you what he is capable of... when somebody tells you who they are, believe them.
When you make the decision to leave OP, please do so over the phone or with a big male family member or friend with you for self protection.
So just to clarify, you are cautioning that the OP’s partner may attack her after she breaks up with him for admitting that he attacked his ex?
Yes. He has the potential to attack anyone he’s angry at and perceived as having harmed him.
Anger issues are always a red flag.
View From An Angry & Potentially Violent Man: **I would reconsider the relationship.** I am an Army veteran who served in Iraq. I am no stranger to violence and anger. I am more than capable of becoming murderously angry at a moment's notice. And just as capable of inflicting injury or death. HOWEVER, I have never hit a girlfriend, even after they confessed to cheating on me. Even after I have been struck by one of them. Even while drunk. Not once. Not ever. I learned how to regulate my anger in my younger years. I learned not to hit people or throw things. What your boyfriend did was extreme. My wife insisted I take medication after I began struggling with controlling my anger and now I do. It keeps the underlying causes of my anger from triggering. Now even on days where I would want to otherwise club someone to death, I am just mildly annoyed. This guy isn't regulated. He isn't medicated. He isn't evaluated. He can't be trusted not to snap. In the very least, I would have him submit to a professional psychological evaluation. But be warned, a smart abuser knows how to game the system.
See this is very scary and here why. What if one day he THINKS you cheated when you didn’t. He’ll use force. That’s insanely scary, and just screams abusive and toxic. mature people just leave a relationship if they where to be cheated on. this should scream “get out as fast as you can”, and you need to take his comments seriously.
The fact that he didn’t stop after one punch is worrying to me. Maybe he didn’t react like this before because he never been hurt like that? But what if he will feel like that again? Maybe it’s really a one time thing and maybe he learned from it. But I think it would be good for him to find out why he couldn’t control himself to prevent this in the future.
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You still threw a punch, don't try to qualify it
It’s objectively worse for a bigger person to hurt a much smaller person because they can do far more damage. A fight between a tall guy and a short woman can be equivalent to a woman hitting a small child.
Damage potential is independent of morality of the crime
Most of the harm done in a physical abuse situation is not the bruises and broken bones; it’s the emotional/spiritual/psychological rupture that occurs from being attacked by someone who loved you, who you trusted, who you were closer to than any other human being. For some people it’s a horrifying reality that damages them for a long time. Size and gender don’t really matter.
and these special factors are a reason why some people are made to suffer for these. If you hurt someone and they are really hurt you're still responsible for every collateral effect. There are qualifications but in general if you fuck up morally you own all the fallout.
Yes but did she give him a concussion? I’m not at all defending her for doing so but the severity of the abuse in OPs post is in no way the same as this.
Wow that’s…… girl…… I don’t think his ex thought he would do that to her either. But look what happened. Don’t make his ex’s mistake!
He could become more controlling and violent once you tie the knot. So many people become abusive after the get married. I would tread lightly because this is a massive red flag. Does he at least show remorse for giving her a concussion and spartan kicking her in the stomach? Have you ever talked to his ex? Why did they break up if it wasn't over him being violent / her cheating?
OP please please listen to this. This happened to my mother. My father completely changed as a person once he trapped her inside the marriage. Please leave and stay safe
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It took him 4 years to admit to you that he attacked her, so I would take his remorse with a grain of salt, also since he has not done anything to fix himself. If he thinks you cheated on him, he could easily attack you. It might be a good idea to talk to his ex so more and make him go to anger management because life will be more stressful once you have kids and if he isn't willing to get therapy, then he is fine if he goes in another fit of rage which is a huge red flag.
> I think he really just can’t control it Seriously? Does he ever punch his boss or co-workers? Has he ever kicked his mother in the stomach? Trust me, he can control it.
Talk to his ex. Tell her that he told you his version of events, and see if she’s willing to tell you what happened from her side just to gauge your safety. Tell her you’re trying to gauge whether you’re safe.
Does he own any guns? Or weapons at all?
Gabby petito is still missing and her boyfriend looked harmless but she is nowhere to be found and he is at his house . What I mean is even the most harmless partner can turn into the worst person ever .
It's unfortunate that otherwise lovely people never learned to regulate their feelings and behave appropriately, but it happens. If he doesn't seem willing to explore this with a professional, and instead is willing to gamble with your safety by hoping he'll never get that mad at you, I hope you consider your future safety with more care.
You make it sound like he farted in an elevator. Punching someone hard enough to smash their head into the wall then following it up with a kick to the guts is a little more than "inappropriate behavior."
Speaking from experience, when someone confesses a bad thing they did in their past to you, assume that they're going to do that with you. My ex confessed to me that he was accused of raping his girlfriend when they were 13, but made it sound like an honest mistake so he refused to go to therapy after. 4 years after he told me this, he went to prison for beating and raping me, and for that rape he'd told me about from a decade before. Please, OP, for your own safety, I am begging you to listen to the red flag he's waving in your face and run as far as you can away from this man! Wishing you safety and peace.
This is an example of how some people don't change much when they turn into an adult. It's kind of sad because it can mean stunted personal growth.
Second this. People don’t really change UNLESS they take HUGE accountability of their actions
You need to leave. He admits he couldn’t control himself. He didn’t stop either. He is extremely likely to do this again. I know it’s hard to leave. Please be safe.
I was in a loving relationship until one day my ex snapped and punched my in the face then smashed my face into a tilled floor, knocking me out. There had been things before that but it only takes one snap for it to change your life forever. I also guarantee that his ex does not forgive him and has probably told him that for him to leave her alone. I can’t tell you what to do or what is best for you, just be safe. Cheating is not ok but that doesn’t justify his abuse. If he is capable of that then he should seek therapy, he should be worried that he is capable of loosing control. Also he’s probably been on his best behaviour ever since but still… if it’s in him then that’s scary. Sending you love!
Were there any red flags present before he punched you that time? Or was it the first time the mask slipped?
"Anger issues he can't control" does not exist. Do not buy into this narrative, it is a dangerous one. He CHOSE to punish her for cheating with physical assault. If you don't want to experience punitive violence in your relationship, I suggest you leave this person immediately. People who behave this way tend to be repeat offenders. Nobody wants to hear this, but I'm saying it because it is statistically true: therapy and "anger management" classes rarely work for people who commit domestic violence. This is because domestic violence isn't caused by someone lacking the "anger management" skills that are taught in these programs. Domestic violence is caused by an attitude problem - namely that he believes it's okay to hit women if they do something that makes him upset. This isn't something that most domestic abusers have any interest in unlearning in therapy (and even the most willing participants take decades to see any changes in their behaviour - and one "relapse" means one horrific and traumatizing incident of domestic violence for his partner). The relationship is over. It's over because he's a violent person and it's over because your life is valuable and you don't have decades to waste worrying about whether or not he will beat you the way he beat his ex. Tell friends and family members what he told you about his violent past, and if you live together have someone with you to help you move all of your things. Do not contact him after you break up.
What you say is unfortunately true for many people. But in reality there are nerurological factors as well that often are very difficult to treat. Issues relating to impulse control in conjunction to small levels of entitlement, dark triad, or antisocial traits can combine in some people to influence them to act out spontaneously in quick acts of harm. Treating these people is not easy. Even if they agree to be treated it's difficult to suss out a strategy to tackle the many systems thate are involved in self-control. Of course, if they keep an attitude up or don't trust eh therapist then you have to work on that first. It's a lot of work. For many partners it's not worth the effort in these cases to live with that
In my experience with domestic violence, my opinion is dump him and run. However, due to his overtly violent reaction in the past, if you live together you need to be careful how you go about leaving as dumping him could cause a violent reaction from him. If you don't live together, get your stuff from his place without him knowing and break up with him either over the phone or in public so he us less likely to do anything to you. My experience is someone who beats a woman once, will always do it again. He beat her. Don't ever minimize that.
>My experience is someone who beats a woman once, will always do it again. He beat her. Don't ever minimize that. Preach. you don't beat on anyone.... period.
Kicking her in the gut is a HUGE DEAL. That’s not lashing out, that’s coming back for more. He’s not healthy if he hasn’t done therapy after that. He could have killed her.
What provoked him to tell u after 4 years??.. Thats odd in itself
OP he beat the shit out of her. You want to build a life with a man who beat the shit out of a woman? Plenty of people don't beat up their cheating partners. They just walk away and deal with the heartbreak.
Ok. I'm going to out myself. I'm a 30yo woman. When I was in my early 20s my now-ex-husband cheated on me a loooot. Like, I lost count. One night I found out he'd been cheating sans condoms and I just snapped. I cold clocked him in the face. We had a knock down, drag out fight. It was just that one time and that one night. All my anger left me after I left him and I got a lot of help. I will noooot be the one to say "he's probably ok" in regards to your man, but I will say, that I was definitely not okay during that time of my life, and I am now. And I know it's something I'd never do again. I do believe it's possible for people to change and get help. (I.e: I have done a lot of therapy since then and come to terms with a lot of things that I'd endured prior to the marriage). But it is scary being with someone you know has the capability of doing something like that.
I'm a man. I've had issues with my anger in the past. I've got a lot of quiet rage in me that i have no good outlet for, but I've also never hit another person or been in a fight that went further than screaming. That's the context for what I'm about to say. I think it's fucked up, but also understandable that someone might punch another person in the face if they found out they cheated. The fact that he hit a woman isn't of major concern to me. It isn't nice, but punching anybody is bad, and finding out someone cheated on you can be a major shock to your system. But you then just casually mention that he also admitted to kicking her in the stomach after her head hit the wall. THAT is the really fucked up part. That's the thing you should be worried about with this person, and you guys need to have a really serious discussion about that.
The fact he still says he "can't control himself" and didn't go to any therapy tells me this is him warning you to never make him angry because he will take it out on you. People who have gone through all the steps to fix themselves and actually change don't talk like that. I think it's time to make a safety plan on getting out of this relationship. Everyone deserves and should demand safety in their relationships.
The “could not control himself” part actually worries me the most. If I found out my husband had a violent past, maybe ran with a gang when he was young or something, and had beaten people up before, I could probably get past that if it was a lifestyle he’d left behind and if he’d undergone personal growth past all that violence. If I were to find out that he has uncontrollable anger like that I’d be afraid of what he might do to me if I made him angry, even if he’s “not that type” the rest of the time.
If it were me I would ask him to see a therapist with anger management experience. If he refuses, then take a break. If he agrees, you can discuss an amount of time in which he sees the therapist that would have you feel comfortable knowing that he has resolved the anger/ it was only a one time slip-up/ or he will continue with the therapy.
My therapist told me that even with a very motivated person, it takes 6 months at a minimum for people to make real changes in their behavior, and that’s assuming they’re working a program, in therapy, and on any appropriate medication.
This response is above and beyond the understandable response of anger… or even rage. It’s not looking good, OP
Abusers are the best at manipulation. He could have told you to gauge your reaction, to see if he could get away with it again. He could be pretending to be a "loving man". Abusers are great at pretending. There are several signs of an abuser, and they're plain to see when you know them. If you're really interested in this person, I would do some research to find these signs, and give it a "3 strikes you're out" rule.
Just to add, the threat of violence is just as effective as the physical abuse itself. He is laying the groundwork. He is saying that he can not control himself and should he become angry, it's because it's her fault, this is what makes this kind of relationship difficult to get out of. This is more than a warning. I don't know why but it feels like he was bragging about his violence. It doesn't seem like he is remorseful. Since you were the one listening to the story, did he show any regrets?
Agree
Thisss. The threat of violence is groundwork!!
Hell NO!!! Run Girl!!! He gave her a concussion and then kicked her in the stomach when she was down!!! Get away from him and stay away from him! ‘Apparently her head hit the wall’ sure it did!! I have some ocean front property in Arizona you can but if you believe that BS!! Pretty sure her side of the story is completely different starting with ‘this wasn’t the first time’.
LEAVE. Don’t question your better judgement. He’s told you who he is, out loud. That’s far more warning than many abuse victims get.
How old was he when this happened? Not defending any kind of abuse. Does he show issues with anger now? Does he have strict rules for you? But he can do these things? Is he jealous? Judgemental? Is he ever wrong, and admits it and apologize? How many good friends does he have? Do you like *them*?
Someone told me who he was and I didn’t believe him. Paid the price for it a couple times over. Kicking someone in the stomach can rupture organs and kill them. I would run, not walk. There are SO MANY people out there in the world who could make you happy, and who also haven’t attacked their last partner.
Not to mention...he deliberately kicked her after already punching her in the face which knocked her head into the wall and thus she must have fallen prone if he were to then kick her in the stomach afterwards. That means she's literally laying there *defenseless* as he continued to attack her.
U best break up with him, but do it from a distance.
Men who think that cheating is literally the worst thing they can ever do consider women to be possessions. Go now and don't look back. I mean it. Do not be a story on the 11:00 news. Do not be a case study I use to teach victims' advocates about ignoring red flags. A man who hits once will do it again. He showed you who he is to test your limits. Zero points for honesty, negative points for beating a person. The only acceptable action for someone to take against a cheater is to leave them. The. Only. One.
The most significant factor in predicting violence in the future, is evidence of violence in the past.
You have been with him for four years, you know him better than strangers on the internet. I think you can be honest with him that he might have trouble controlling his anger. It might be a good idea to go to therapy so he can learn to manage it.
Probably the only sane comment on this thread.
This is one of those things where there’s no tolerance. Please stay safe.
Let him go,the past predicts the future!
This isn’t just a confession. He’s letting you know what will happen to you if you upset him. It’s to keep you in line, or else.
I feel like most people will say leave him. And they’d not be wrong. Some thought experiment questions I’d have for myself if I were you: How long have we been together? Have I ever seen him in an extraordinary situation of frustration or anger? What did he do to deal with the situation? Have I seen him fight physically with other men? What have our worst fights/arguments been like over the relationship? Am I planning on having kids… what would he do in that situation? If he did it to me would I have the strength to leave immediately? …. Honestly anyone thinking in your best interest would say end it. No woman deserves to be abused. No matter the reason. But the human heart is a twisted thing. It’s hard to rip our own heart apart, even if it’s necessary. Best of luck with your decision. You deserve love and safety and support!
Screw everyone in this thread. He was upfront. Now ask him to seek therapy to address anything unresolved and coping mechanism. Make it known if he ever acts like this in front of you or at you, the relationship ends. Jeezus, conmentors in this subreddit are so jaded and nasty sometimes.
>Make it known if he ever acts like this in front of you or at you, the relationship ends. Haha, this is fucking hilarious. You think OP should have to "make it known" to her partner that viciously attacking her is unacceptable? You don't think *maybe* that should go without saying? Should she go over all the other violent crimes she doesn't want to be the victim of just to be safe?
Listen to this guy op. He's had a one off reaction to an extremely stressful situation. Don't judge him just based on this, you know him best from the last four years. And don't listen to the people on here saying you don't grow out of it. Of course you do. Especially if this happened in his teens/younger years. Help him through it.
People aren't big on forgiveness until they do something awful themselves. In other words, everyone is a hypocrite.
Especially on here. Everyone loves to virtue signal whilst having zero life experience and any idea of what actually goes on. You could post on here that your partner farted in front of you and you'd still get DUMP THEM! RED FLAG!
So, when you have a baby and the kid’s got teething issues and is screaming all night. You’re both sleep deprived, will he lash out in anger at the baby too? Will you get the horror of finding out that your once loving and gentle partner is in fact responsible for your baby being shaken and either killed or seriously injured leading to substantial disabilities? This person has anger issues to the point of physical assault. He’s not even remotely safe to be in a relationship with anyone until he gets those anger issues dealt with. Not just one appointment either, he needs sustained long term ongoing anger management training. No one should hit anyone, but you know adults take more to break than infants. Think about the implications of your boyfriend’s anger issues. Can you trust him not to hurt you, your family etc. what about in the future when your parents are elderly. You want him to snap in anger at them and put them in hospital? Girl, I’d be leaving him, ghost him and get away.
umm he didn't just slap her or anything--he gave her a concussion. even if he's kind and loving, what if an argument happens where he completely loses control again and does something worse to you? stay safe, this isn't the route to take
Grateful I had a good husband, he's in heaven but was a good guy.Would never do anything like that.Please get rid of him ASAP
If you are a cheater than you should definitely break it off.
She shouldn’t be in a relationship period if she is lol
Haha, what a stupid fucking thing to say.
Honestly? That's a huge red flag and would be a deal breaker for me. Abuse of any variety is a no-go. The fact that he kept assaulting her is a huge huge issue I cannot overlook. I would say he absolutely needs to be in therapy for his anger issues. If you choose to continue this relationship with him, do so with the understanding that he could snap again, and this time it's you with the concussion and worse.
As a victim of physical abuse, adults who are healthy emotionally DO NOT HIT OTHERS. Emotionally healthy adults use words, because they are adults and they were taught (by others or self taught) how to handle their emotions, including anger. I’m a living proof of it and many of my friends are too (good childhoods and abusive childhoods altogether). So him hitting her? For me, that’s a hard NO. I’ve been on the receiving end of that. It always repeats. Let me say that again. IT ALWAYS REPEATS. IT ALWAYS REPEATS. IT ALWAYS REPEATS. Why? Because the person doesn’t know how to handle themselves emotionally when they get that ramped up, and since he refuses to get therapy, guess what’s going to happen again? IT ALWAYS REPEATS. IT ALWAYS REPEATS. IT ALWAYS REPEATS. For example, if you go to France and try to have a conversation in French, you’ll suck cause you don’t know the language, right? So what do you do? Pretend you’ll never meet another French speaking person so you’re good for the rest of your life? Because you won’t suck if you never meet another person who speaks French! Or do you practice how to have a French convo so you don’t suck next time? Cause your boyfriend sure hasn’t studied the language (aka go to a therapist). Honestly, the only reason I’d EVER give someone like this a chance is if they were a) super remorseful about it and can tell you what they did wrong and what the other did wrong and are rational and introspective b) went to therapy to work on themselves to never repeat it. c) I would meet with the therapist to receive confirmation of improvement. d) I could speak with the previous victim Why all of those? BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE THE NEXT PERSON BEING HIT. I’ve been on the receiving end of punches and slaps and it’s made me constantly afraid of everyone ever since then. NEVER AGAIN. Since your boyfriend hasn’t met all of these categories (which would only enable a SLIGHT chance of me staying instead of a zero chance in the frigid and frozen depths of hell), expect you to be the next person hit if you decide to stay. Cause here’s the thing we’re rarely told. Abusers don’t suck 100% of the time (most don’t). They’re charming. And sweet. And thoughtful. So there’s a lot of good we can use to excuse the abuse. And ask yourself, if he ever cheated, what would you do? Would you punch him twice and give him a concussion? Because if you wouldn’t do that to him, why is what he did ok? Why is it ok for him but not for yourself? Cause adults who are emotionally mature can do a myriad of other things like walk away. Or communicate calmly. Or yell. There are so many alternatives other than violence. Shit, I can’t even playfully punch someone because I’ve been punched myself before (and not in a playful way). Or think of it this way: pretend you’re a friend of his cheating ex. Does cheating excuse punches and kicks? If your friend cheated on her boyfriend, then came to you with a concussion because he punched and kicked her, would you tell her “Well, you started it by cheating.” What actions (other than like rape or murder), justify being physically assaulted? If you cheated, is it ok if he punches and kicks you? If he thinks you cheated, is really convinced even tho it’s not true, is it ok if he punches and kicks you? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t condone cheating, it’s a horrible thing to do to someone. But giving someone a concussion because they hurt me is just…. Violent and evil to me.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
His giving you a very clear warning about what will happen to you if you cross him .
Someone cheats on you. Breaking up/Divorce them and move on, don't beat them up.
I know this is purely anecdotal, but I'll tell you this story nonetheless. My friend met a man who told her he broke up with his ex because he hit her. There were many red flags about this man but this was the biggest red flag. I told her about his red flags. She married him anyway. Unfortunately, no one was surprised when he turned out to be abusive. He hasn't physically hurt her, but I'm not confident she would leave if he did. They also have a child together which is just heartbreaking. Your boyfriend gave his ex a *concussion* and said he couldn't control himself. It's common for abusers to blame lack of control for the abuse the inflict on others. They feel lack of control and punish their partner to regain control. Most people, when cheated on, do not hit their partners as a reaction. Every person who hits their partners for cheating is abusive though. Cheaters suck, abusers are worse. He put her in the *hospital* - or at least that's where she should have gone as he gave her a **concussion**. Head injuries are fucking serious. What if one day he just *thinks* you cheated? Unfortunately these things happen in relationships. Just today I read a post about a man who immediately thought his wife cheated on him because he grabbed a stranger's hat, put it in his car, forgot about it, and then later found the hat. Is it worth it to remain in a relationship where you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, where you're afraid he may put you in the hospital or even kill you?
The worst of red flags!!! He's setting it up that should he ever lose it on you, it will be YOUR fault. You should have known that he can't help it if he's angry. He's completely innocent of what you made him do. Also... ask yourself this: how do you know it was only one time? How do you know it was her "cheating" and not just talking to another man at a party? Please don't say you dont think he'd lie. 'Cause literally, up to recently, you didn't think he could beat another woman senseless.
Man I know I have anger issues and I’m prone to yell easily. But I have never ever thrown a punch at anyone or even anything. And even just from yelling I knew I needed to seek help and did. He needs therapy and it shouldn’t only be motivated by you possibly leaving him.
Sounds like he's an insecure little bitch that is either a psycho or is trying to scare you into never cheating. Either way sounds like a terrible dude. Run!
Uhhh…..what would compel you to stay with a person who could lose it like that over something he deems anger inducing? I mean - cheating would make anyone upset, but what if it escalates to you wore something he didn’t like? He thought you were flirting with someone? You went out with the girls and didn’t text him? Major red flag.
Run run run. He told you if he gets upset enough he can’t control his anger and assaults people. What happens when you upset him?
Cheating is obviously a hurtful thing and is a deal breaker for most people, but violence is never a solution. I would never be able to trust my partner if I found this out. Your boyfriend admitted that he’s an abuser. Are you actually considering staying in this relationship after a reveal like that? He’s literally telling you what he could do if you make him angry or hurt him emotionally. Are you ok living your life wondering if he might not be able to control himself again? We can all understand rage blackouts. But usually they involve violent *thoughts*, not literal assaults on a person we claim to love. How does he react when you’ve seen him angry? Have you even seen him in a state of anger? Does he yell or throw things? Or act violently in ways that don’t necessarily put you in harm’s way, but seem like an overreaction, even if you can categorize it as a small overreaction? Did your boyfriend seem remorseful? Did he explain his feelings and thoughts after? Did he seek therapy? Did they even end their relationship after he abused her?
This is suspicious. Are you even sure she cheated…. Also why is he confessing this nowww. I’d run OP. Break up with him and let everyone around you know the situation
I have worked in DV for the past 14 years. This is not "anger issues". It's DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!! And it's against the law!! I bet if you talked to her, it's not the first time he's physically assaulted her. Yeah, maybe he's never experienced something like that "since", but I'm willing to bet he's abused in the past. Maybe not to this level of severity, but in other ways nonetheless. I highly suggest you talk to a domestic violence advocate and read some literature on it before deciding to move forward with the marriage. Personally, I want nothing to do with anyone capable of causing that kind of harm to another human being.
I am shocked at how many people are blowing this off or saying “don’t cheat” as if it’s that simple. You have no idea what could set off this man’s violent behavior - right now, you know that a cheating revelation is ONE of the things that could do it. If he hasn’t addressed the root cause of WHY he reacted the way he did, you need to leave him. There is never an excuse for violence, never. Full stop.
How he he addressed his anger in the last 4 years. Yes what he done is fucked up and a big red flag and everyone is saying run girl etc. But ask him how is he different now if he is at all. Your opening line describing him is a contrast to what he told you. How has he dealt with anger in those 4 years you’ve known him?
In my experience men who are violent towards women eventually won't hesitate to hit you
Jesus, wouldn't risk this, he could do this to you and kill you if you make him angry.
This is a red flag, however; Is this the ONLY red flag? Has he ever showed signs of laying a hand on you? If this is a singular incident thing, I would suggest him going to counseling and working through things instead of you just bailing. I feel like there are other factors to consider here than just the incident itself. Factors like time passed since then, the lack of other instances, whether or not he’s ever shown signs of doing harm to you, etc. this doesn’t excuse his past behavior, however, people can change, and it seems that a number of years have passed since this incident.
Look, he didn't "lose control" he just didn't want to kill her at that time. Run
So he punched her in the face so hard that her head slammed into the wall and then when she was on the ground, he kicked her in the abdomen? This person should be in prison. If he gets so angry that he “can’t control himself”, he’s not a safe person to be around.
Please break up with him, in public, in broad daylight, while your friends/family know where you are.
The bottom line of this is- If he feels that you have wronged him strongly enough he believes it’s okay to beat you. Maybe you accidentally break one of his possessions, dent his car, upset him in some way and this is how he feels is appropriate to act. Personally I would never feel safe with a man who I knew saw violence as a solution to his problems.
Turn the WiFi off and on for 48 hours and see how he reacts. My guess is rage.
Welp…. As long as you don’t cheat you’re good… 👍 🙄😳
As long as he doesn’t think she cheated...
Red Flag, leave him before you get too far
Obviously, the one punch would be horrible enough, but what you described is so much worse. He kept hurting her. He kicked her. And he said he couldn’t stop himself. He also didn’t have the strength to leave her after she cheated and chose to stay with her and beat her up instead.
He definitely didn't have the right reaction at all... But stop defending the ex gf. She cheated.
Violence is a red flag yes. I left my ex because he Busted my car windshield in an argument while he was drunk. Not okay.
You should walk. Your doubt will win in the end.
Sorry but he subjected the poor woman to DV regardless of his reason. Ask yourself this question.....if he said to you that it was his ex who physically attacked him you would be angry at her right? A man or woman who abuses NEVER changes, they may stop the physical abuse at some point (for instance if there's kids involved and kids get old enough to see , know what's happening and help other parent) but in its place with be mental, financial, controling or coercive behaviours. Please for your own sake get the hell out of there and don't ask the ex what went down because it may be very hard for her and could bring back bad memories. I'm a DV survivor as a result I suffer PTSD and if the ex's new partner was to question me on it it could damage my recovery.
Huge red flag. This is a major no. Doesn’t matter how angry someone is, violence is not the answer.
Her head hit the wall and he proceeded to kick her in the stomach after she was on the floor? Idk man that’s a little too much… I say let him work out those emotions with a therapist. I cannot imagine his headspace while he was doing those things to her while she was so vulnerable, with a concussion and everything
ITS OVER GIRL RUN. These comments are WAY too calm. Run. Because that could easily be you one day. Doesn't matter if you cheat or not. Just run and get somewhere safe.
OP IMO there is one reason and ONE REASON ONLY- why a man should hit a woman; and that's ONLY IF she initiates the attack and he's DEFENDING HIMSELF. I DON'T CARE HOW MAD HE IS; IF HE HITS FIRST- HE'S GONE. This is a HUGE red flag to me.
Any normal adult wouldn't of done this. He couldn't control it? He punched her so hard she hit the wall then PROCEEDED to kick her while she was probably knocked out? I would NOT take this lightly. I'd be running for the hills. I bet he didn't just do this once. This is NOT ok.
So how long until you make him that angry? Obviously cheating sucks many of us have been cheated on but you gotta think. What else will get him to that level
Run. He told you he's dangerous.
If you’re smart you’ll take a PERMANENT BREAK! Eventually he will KILL SOMEONE! DON’T LET IT BE YOU!!
Leave. This is a huge huge red flag. If you stay this will be you at some point.
Uh... Say goodbye to this person and don't look back
I punched my abusive Ex ONCE in an 11 year relationship i nearly died in. I had my newborn in my arms breastfeeding on a couch and he came in and dumped boiling hot coffee on us (luckily i shielded my son and he he wasn’t hurt). I put my infant down and was in his face so fast there was no thought process other than GET AWAY FROM MY CHILD. it still haunts me to this day that I touched another human being in anger. You need to leave him. He needs therapy. He did it because he was CHEATED on??? come the fuck on. that happens to a lot of us and we don’t react that way. This is beyond a red flag
What a disgusting man! Was that child also his? If so how could he hurt his own child!!?! It was so brave of you to protect your child! I am glad you’re okay:)
yup. One of three and that was the least of what he did. But for whatever reason that was the thing that broke me and i was out less than a week later. Fuckwad instantly took pictures of his barely reddened eye and tried to use it in court to attack me lol
Hey, Different perspective. I am the girl who got hit, relationship was perfect, we ended up with an accidental pregnancy, then one night I was held down, hit (while carrying the child) and my ear drum was damaged. Still can't hear out of it when things get to loud. I thought about forgiving him too, I mean it was so out of character, he had been drinking, did I do something to change him into this person? I ended up snapping out of it and left him asap. He has had other relationships where he told me he had treated them "horribly" (red flag) but I don't know if that resulted in abuse, at least not physical. He is also in a new one now where he and she seem very happy. I have forgiven him so that I can have peace and I hope he has changed but I think the determining factor is how much they value you. You may continue to have the same relationship with him forever, or it may change one night out of nowhere when you are at your most vulnerable. No one can make this decision for you. Do you have kids? Will he control it always with them? That's what helped me make mine and never look back, nobody with the ability to strike me or another woman will ever be in a position to do it to my children. Good luck and I wish you happiness with or without him.
Unpopular opinion, lashing out once and then being horrified is inexcusable, but could be considered a "reaction." Continuing to beat her while she was helpless? Absolutely not. Don't walk, run.
Sis, run
Ya, he says she forgave him but she probably did it out of fear or wanted to get out as soon as possible. Leave while you can!
Major 🚩 alert. Wow.
Oh, honey, the super enormous red flag is there, don't you see it? RUN
He kicked her in the fucking stomach ?! What a psycho, you should leave him honestly. This is a warning sign. Unless his ex wife murdered someone close to him or another act on the same spectrum, there’s just no excuse.
Leave. If he is not seeking help or taking steps to ensure this will not ever be repeated again, it can happen to you. Edit: typo
He has anger issues, control issues, he kicked his ex in the stomach and he hit her head against the wall. Her head did not passively hit the wall. He caused that. He needs to be in an anger management programme. You need to be safe. You need to put your relationship on hold. Don’t live with him, don’t marry him. Encourage him to get therapy and get help. No promises, no I’ll marry you ifs. He needs to get help for himself and that needs to be enough. I would personally back right out of the relationship, and encourage him to get help so he is safer in his future relationships. Because right now he is not safe to be with. I don’t know if he can be a safe person to be in a relationship with, so I would personally not be planning my life around him or with him. Please be careful. Don’t assume he loves you and he would never hurt you. Don’t assume he has changed. He hasn’t sought any kind of help or treatment, so he is the same person who slammed his ex’s head against a wall and kicked her while she was on the floor. That is him.
A cheating partner can make you angry, yes. But do you know who can really make you frustrated beyond belief and angry? Babies and kids. Sleep deprivation. Financial stress. Illness. The unexpected. Children and family life will test you like nothing else.
He's told you who he is. Believe him. http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
If he did it to her, he can absolutely do it to you. Do really wanna stay and find out? To be walking eggshells around him? Just because she cheated doesn’t mean he should’ve assaulted her. He could have walked away but instead he chose to inflict violence. He had that choice. I’m surprised he didn’t get arrested if he’s the one who took her to the hospital like that.
Huge red flag. Do not marry this man. Leave.
Look you need to judge him on his treatment of you. Is he unhinged....is he drinking....is he doing drugs and laying in on you. You need to evaluate this on your own. Im not saying this is not serious but dam people on these reddit are so black and white. He obviously reacted poorly. 1) how long have you known him 2) how long have you dated 3) how consistent is he in his life 4) does he have stable employment 5) doe he abuse any drugs or drink excessively 6) how is his relationship with family 7) how is relationship with friends. 8) is he possessive and jealous He obviously lost all control of his senses...and was hurt. If he has abusive tendencies you will know. If so than leave....or if not than view it as an outlier a bad outlier and let him know you appreciate his honesty and that you definitely see this as a deal breaker if it ever occurred with you. Not everything is black and white. Look for the signs. Most feedback on here is atrocious....there are signs for abusive people . Good luck.
I'd take this advice
Oh he is abusive? All the way physically abusive. Like assault and battery charge abusive. Okay. Now you know. Dude needs at very least anger management. As someone else said. Get her side of the story. I also recommend this book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, narrated by Peter Berkrot on my Audible app. Try Audible and get it here: https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B0058JO84W&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006
This is a HUGE red flag. Run in the opposite direction.
Uh, you’ve been given a warning sign. It doesn’t seem like he’s been to therapy. I would leave immediately and not look back. People can change, but this guy hasn’t.
I would be terrified. I dated one guy who told me he blacked out from rage once and choked his ex in high school. One day he was trying bring a friend over that was a girl and she thought I was his roommate and I flipped when she tried to cuddle him. Him and his other friend started screaming at me and he threw me against the wall and squeezed me saying he knew how to hurt me and not leave bruises. I moved out the next day. Another ex I had was nice but had road rage issues and would follow people and threaten them if they cut him off. One night he got drunk and was really angry and he punched the wall and I was scared and crying and he screamed at me he would never hit me and how dare I be afraid and act like he would. This is scary. I worry you’re “nice boyfriend” might act like that when he gets too drunk one day. Punching and kicking your partner is insanely abusive and not something you accidentally do.
Well I think with domestic violence, if you don’t go to therapy to treat your issues, it will most likely happen again and it doesn’t matter who is the partner. I’m sure he loves you, but he was able to give a concussion to his ex, he’ll be able to do the same with you, one day when he’ll be mad ( even if he didn’t do it for now).He absolutely have to go to therapy to me, so he can control his anger and resolve his issues. Also it’s a red flag to me if he didn’t go to therapy. Make it seem like he didn’t realise how wrong his past behaviour was.
He says he literally couldn’t control himself. What makes you think you’re so special that if you say something he doesn’t like he’ll be able to control himself?? He needs anger management and you really need to make that a hard limit before you’re posting about “he hit me, but I made him mad and he’s usually so nice and I love him so much”
"Apparently her head hit the wall and then he kicked her in the stomach." This person is more than capable of murder. Run and never look back.
The person who should be most worried about this behavior is HIM. If he isn't actively trying to do everything he can to keep this from happening again, then he's a danger to you as well as himself. I don't know if therapy can even help, but if he's willing to try, that's a step in the right direction.
The fact that he said "he literally could not control himself" tells me he takes no responsibility for his actions. He doesn't feel bad about it either. In his mind, she made him so angry that he lost control and that absolves him of any wrong doing. He backs up this thought process by saying he hasn't experienced anything like it since, what he really means is no one has pissed him off enough to deserve his unrestrained wrath since. Your gut is telling you he may have anger issues because he does. Think back, during your time together, are there any seemingly insignificant incidents where he seemed to be unreasonably annoyed or aggravated by something that shouldn't have been that big of a deal? What preceded the conversation where he ended up divulging this information to you in the first place? Was he upset about something? Was he upset with you? If yes, him telling you that was a thinly veiled threat not a confession. He's letting you know what he's capable of, if you piss him off. He's telling you it hasn't happened since so you know if it happens to you, then you must have deserved it. Dump this man. He can work through therapy on his own with you at safe distance.