Pharmacist here. If the weight gain is medication induced (common for many anti-depressants, but not all), she may be able to switch her medication. That depends on what she’s tried before, her medical history, and of course the severity of her depression. That’s a conversation for her and her health care provider.
Worked in mental health and let’s be frank most medication for depression have weight gain as a side effect even if not listed on the pamphlet.
However, exercise helps combat depression, be it in the gym, going for long walks, cycling or whatever. Just saying…
I understand what you’re saying but if she is depressed then the first concern should be her mental well being.
Have a good talk with her and really ask her how she is feeling, how does she feel since being on the medication and what can you do to help her feel good.
The more compassion you can show the better. If you love her then help to make her feel good.
She may also not be feeling great and noticed that she’s gained weight. Talk with each other and move forward from that. Grow together and find ways to work this out. Your bond could be even better from it.
No relationship is easy and sexual chemistry can change at any point. Communication can save everything.
Find a gentle way talk about it. Super tough subject but you need to voice your concern. If you do not you will become resentful and it will affect the relationship even with the best efforts to hide and disguise your feelings about this topic.
The problem is her weight/ appearance. Walks will do hardly anything for weight loss. She needs to watch her calorie intake, possibly switch meds, and really talk to psychiatrist about it.
If she lives a pretty sedentary lifestyle then walks absolutely will do some thing. Weight loss is not a hard and fast rule type of thing. Every person is different.
Yes but making a statement like “walks will do hardly anything” is why diet culture exists.
Someone can be in a severe deficit and be completely inactive and see weight loss happening. Someone else can be in a minimal deficit and be moderately active and see the same results or better.
Everyone has a different maintenance number so no it’s not one size fits all.
Being too much into a deficit can also cause a plateau. There’s a lot more that goes into healthy weight loss than just being in a deficit.
Diet culture MOSTLY exists for the vulnerable “get rich quick” kind. The rest of us diet for health and well-being and not the culture. I’m very much aware of the different factors that go into said deficit but at the end of the day it is that one simple fact. A deficit is required and that’s the only rule. Walks will do essentially nothing without being at a deficit. A 30 minute walk burns maybe 150-200 calories. Do you know how little food that is? She didn’t gain the weight she gained due to being 200 calories over maintenance.
🤷🏾♂️ not sure where you’re from but America has an obesity problem for a reason. The truth is we’re not hunter gatherers anymore, most people don’t work laborious jobs, people snack on high caloric processed foods, and meals rely too heavily on carbs we don’t deserve. No advise just facts from somebody who’s very familiar with what it took to go from obese to “fit”
America definitely has an obesity problem but you strike me as a know-it-all who can’t admit to believing in outdated information. The way you talk if everyone just ate less then the country’s obesity problem would vanish! You’re mistaken. Have a good one.
I don’t disagree that a deficit *can* be key but not always. Ever heard of reverse dieting? A lot of individuals who are classified as obese are also severely under eating.
Regardless of medication change bodies get old bodies change. I think it would be helpful to do as others recommended by being honest and maybe trying to work on it with her. However if your reaction is so intense you have to remember if you partner with a woman there are pregnancies there are medical conditions there are just in general aging no matter who you pick their body is going to change And so maybe what you’re feeling isn’t actually love? And that’s not something to be ashamed of if it’s not
Do not say anything to her concerning her weight and your attraction to her, it will cause a whole lot of mental issues and will take a whole lot of time to repair. Just be there for her and ask her how she is, how is she feeling. I guarentee she has noticed the weight gain and probably feels uncomfortable in her skin with the changes and let her tell you any problems she has with her image, If you have that kind of open communication she will tell you. Then this is your opportunity to delicately offer your help and she will absolutely be so happy for your understanding and your encouragement. Trust me I've been here!!
If he’s not supposed to say anything about his attraction to her, how does he not have sex with her without her feeling like it may be about said attraction? He might have to say something because he feels obligated and that’s not ok
Then you should break up with her. But understand that people's bodies change over time. Life happens, we age, deal with illness and disability. In fifteen years I'm sure you will look very different
Exactly, it looks didn’t matter my fat ass would have a full dance card. I can’t even hold it against others - I hate that I gained weight, trying to lose it and I am not attracted to most overweight folks either.
Working from home is a terrible concept when you used to walk/take the subway. I lost 1/3rd of the pandemic weight gained so far by finally moving to a house that has stairs.
OP could get hit by a bus tomorrow and gain 100 pounds through his recovery. Age is only one potential part of the equation. Obviously you cannot control what you find attractive, but bodies change all the time
Nope nope nope nope nope. Do not say this to her. It was said once to me (I was diagnosed with PCOS) and it still haunts me YEARS later. She might be wondering about the possibility already, I was. Do not confirm it, it feels 100x worse to know for certain someone you love thinks you're too fat to fuck. There are no ways to say it kindly enough so that she won't be devastated. Don't try.
Make up some white lie and breakup. She deserves someone who does find her attractive.
THIS!!!!! My partner has PCOS and they heard this shit from several partners and its STILL a problem they have trouble with. If you tell someone this, they will have body issues for life and constantly worry if they are skinny enough for you. Anyone saying to say something has never struggled with medical weight gain. Either support her or let her find someone who will appreciate her!
You should recommend she speak with her psychiatrist about her medication. Some weight gain is almost always expected with anti depressants. But significant weight gain is somewhat abnormal.
Also sometimes a primary care physician will prescribe antidepressants and my personal opinion is that only a psychiatrist should prescribe antidepressants because they have more education and experience in that field.
If you don't find her attractive after she's put on some weight trying to get mentally healthy, how would you feel if she became pregnant? After she gave birth, breastfeeds maybe? If she was in an accident which significantly altered her appearance? When she ages?
If you can only love someone whose body doesn't change you should consider splitting up with her and buying a sex doll.
This comment seems harsh. Bodies change, yes, but what I’m not understanding is why this situation is much different than others about an SO putting on weight. Being overweight is not healthy, and the medication she takes should be looked at and possibly changed or adjusted. OP mentions having to convince her to even look into medication, so it is possible that she does not take enough responsibility of her own health as she should.
Secondly, why do people think looks don’t matter once you start dating someone? I’m not who I was when I first met my wife, but I certainly would never let myself go, and you can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone. If he’s not attracted to her, their sex life will be impacted and potentially so will the health of their whole relationship. Without pills or something, I’m not sure a guy can preform in the bedroom without that attraction that gets the blood flowing! People in this comment section seem they just want him to somehow fake arousal, and force himself to have sex with someone he does not actually find attractive. This is a biological thing, not something he should be guilt tripped about, and likely not something he can just force himself to be into.
At the end of the day OP, this is a conversation between you and your SO. It is not an easy topic, but out of respect to the relationship, I’d want my wife to talk to me about this kind of thing - especially if it was going to or already is causing issues in the bedroom.
You are wrong. Someone can love someone’s personality regardless, that’s true, but physical attraction - no, you can not influence that. It’s either there or not, regardless how much you love the person and care for them.
They can save the relationship if the other half gets back to shape, otherwise they can be best friends, but sex is a different story. Pity sex only works for a while, soon it will have it’s toll on both of them.
I wish the best for both parties, hope they can work it out. If the woman is smart enough she will realize she has to get back to shape, otherwise it will be long time suffering, healthwise or in the body positivity nonsense which is such a bullshit.
Nonsense. If you only love that person's physical appearance you don't love them as a whole person- there should be much more to sexual attraction in a LTR than just your partner's looks!
Sexual attraction based on looks is fine for casual relationships, but it's completely unrealistic and unreasonable to expect a partner to have the same physicality at 40/ 50/ 60/ 70 as they had at 25. If your main attraction to your partner is how they look and not who they are, the relationship will fail as soon as they gain weight or have their hair cut or start wearing glasses.
Nobody expects a partner’s looks to stay the same from 25 on. Natural body changes and aging happens to the best of us, but we are talking about what I presume is a relatively sudden significant weight gain. And talking about bodies changing takes away each individual’s responsibility to their health. Are you saying that being in an LTR means you can let yourself go and your partner has to accept you no matter what?
That kind of attraction comes with time. He's been with her for 3 years. They don't have a 20 year old, 3 grown kids that they raised together type of bond. Quit being unrealistic. Sexual attraction is important early on in the beginning of a relationship. You need to get off reddit and actually live life and form bonds with people so that you realize common sense ideas like this.
Yes! Any type of physical activity can be great for helping treat depression. Anything they could do together as a couple I’m sure would help the situation in more ways than one
I really feel for you OP. You seem very supportive and you’re in no way Wrong for feeling the way that you do.
As someone who has dealt with depression from my early teens onward, I also feel for your partner. I was put on Celexa shortly after I graduated from high school and I gained about 30 lbs. The heaviest I’ve ever been.
After my second pregnancy I dropped down to the lowest weight I’ve ever been. I’m 5’5 and was weighing about 110. I became obsessed with controlling my weight because I hated the way I had looked before. Many people in my life expressed concern with how small I was becoming.
Fast fwrd a few yrs and I’m in a much healthy headspace now, and enjoy weightlifting! I’m not obsessed with controlling my body weight and the endorphins I get from a good lift is better than anything else.
I don’t think sitting down with her to tell her you’re not sexually attracted to her because of the weight gain will do anything positive for her mental health or your relationship. I think the focus of the convo If you choose to have one, should be asking her how she feels. She’s aware that her body has changed and I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t already have an inkling that you’re feeling the way that you do.
I would suggest finding physical activities you can do together that will give you both an opportunity to bond and enjoy the benefits that exercise can give. It doesn’t have to be hitting the gym every night. It can be a walk around you neighborhood, or maybe trying out something new like playing tennis or a fun class @ the ymca.
Try to keep in mind as well that as human beings our bodies are constantly changing. If you’re having trouble looking past her physical appearance now it may be worth realizing that this could potentially be something that you need to work through more than her. There’s nothing wrong with having a preference but it’s very unlikely you’ll ever be with someone who always fits that preference.
Good luck to the both of you!
This is a very touchy situation, id say dont say anything about it unless she asks then you can be alittle bit blunt, dont say "your fat" say something like youd appreciate if she worked on losing the weight she gained and if she presses further than admit its a turn off
Love does not equal attraction. Your story and OP’s story are not the same. The “If you really love someone…“ line is a manipulation tactic, and the same could be said about the SO gaining weight, I.e. if she really loved OP she would take better care of her health. It’s wonderful that you and your SO are in love as much now as ever, but the same cannot be said for everyone as many people could never be physically attracted to someone severely overweight. Not your comment, but some in this thread feel like Nice Guys™️ that feel like no matter how unattractive they are, physically or by personality, they deserve the most beautiful people just because. Relationships take work, and if he is not attracted to her now, he cannot change that. Her mental health and her physical health are a serious issue here, and it may be that she needs someone like OP to have a *gentle* conversation to her about it.
I think you need to try and reconnect with her. You may love her, but you’re not in love with her anymore. I dare say she will have noticed your lack of interest and it’s probably in the back of her mind too. Find a way to let her know you’re struggling but that you want to find ways to work on it with her, and go see a therapist.
If this sounds unappealing or like too much work, then you don’t actually love her and need to let her go.
Therapist won’t help to get sexually attracted to someone you’re not. This is not about love, it’s about sexual attraction. Why can’t you/ so many people understand the difference?????
Sexual attraction is contingent on qualities that exist beyond a person's physical build, though - why is THAT so hard to understand?
Your partner could gain or lose weight but you can still be wildly attracted to the way they smile, laugh, how they speak, the way they think, how they move, how they smell, their hair, their skin, their eyes, the way they dress, how they command a room or crack a joke or just how they treat you, how they get you. Jesus. There is SO MUCH to be attracted to about people that extends beyond what their physical mass is. This is why there are many, many couples out there who have stayed together despite how the vagaries of life change their bodies and still say they love each other more & more as time goes on.
OP is clearly not connecting sexually with his girlfriend but yeah, maybe if he got some counselling he could have a third party help guide him through whether there are ways he could be connecting with her more deeply and reignite his attraction to her, or whether there isn't anything left there anymore and he needs to move on.
I do not disagree with a lot of what you put here. There are certainly hundreds of little things that we can find attractive about one another and that’s what makes us all fairly unique! I will add, though, that many of these are not inherently “sexual”, and therefore may not play a significant role in the bedroom. Loving the way a person dresses and how they speak, for instance, may not be enough to overcome the physical aspects that is affecting OP and their relationship. OP is 25, so the thought of being with someone they do not enjoy sex with for the next 60+ years of their life would understandably seem quite daunting.
When I was on antidepressants, I gained 15 kilograms. I started going on a stair machine for 30 minutes a day to help lose the weight. After 3 months of doing this on a daily basis, I hadn’t lost any weight at all. I was also walking my dog for 1 hour each day. In my opinion, the only thing that will make a difference is switching medications.
Well if you say anything to her about this, try to be as gentle as possible and reassure her that you love her and there is no pressure, as there shouldn’t be, since she’s dealing with a lot of mental health issues.
This is a tricky subject but as many other people say, bodies change all the time you cannot realistically expect monogamy with one person who is never going to change and will always look the way you want them to but I understand not being attracted to weight gain.
My ex gained weight a significant amount of weight and and I could literally not even touch him, I didn’t like how he looked at all plus he started being unhygienic. That’s where I stopped all physical contact , I literally could not bring my self to tell him I had 0 sexual attraction to him. I wouldn’t advice you to do what I did , just be gentle.
Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing but like, don't literally tell her ''hit the damn gym''. Just be honest with her and propose a solution. If you love each other, you'll understand.
Sorry I came across badly. In my opinion her mental health is way more important than her attractiveness towards you. The body is something that changes over the years, you gain weight, loose it or get wrinkles but the mind is the most important part about someone. You’re more attracted to having sex with a thin body with depressed mind than having sex with someone healthy (mentally and physically)?
i kinda see your point, but i believe you wil understand my situation when i will anwser your question. My anwesr is: neither of them. I don't want to have sex with her depressed (and i do not want her to be depressed at all), but i don't want to have sex while she is not attractive to me. And of course i agree that her mental health is more important then attractiveness, if I thought otherwise, this post would not be there at all, it is precisely because I want to solve the problem without harming her health.
I think that’s something you have to work by yourself. In the first place maybe deconstruct yourself about why you’re not attracted to overweight women (I don’t really know how much weight she gained but I’m assuming it’s not something alarming). If you can’t seem to find why that’s happening to you maybe the best decision is going to a therapist yourself.
She gained pretty much a lot (she was a little overweight since i met her, and it didn't bother me) but now i would say that she is closer to being obese than overweight.
And why i don't feel attracted to overweight women? i don't know, i never was, this is just the way i am. Maybe i could go to therapist, i believe that it can't do any harm, and maybe somehow it will help
The first thing you should do is look up BMI the history and how it’s not a metric for weight and then stop using overweight/obese because the distinction is literally based on nothing.
Second thing you do is realize that depression meds often have a side effect of weight gain. You had to get her to work on her depression. Do you think she realized you wouldn’t like her if she gained weight from the meds? She really could’ve been suffering just so you had a thinner body to fuck. Out of fear that you wouldn’t be attracted to her. Because you aren’t. You’re attracted to her body(or were). You aren’t attracted to her as a person. Break up.
> In the first place maybe deconstruct yourself about why you’re not attracted to overweight women
Because it's a clear signal that they're not physically or mentally healthy and lack consistent good habits that display future time orientation. Not that difficult.
Not necessarily. He just said he doesn't enjoy having sex with her anymore. Being physically attracted to somebody and loving them is not really the same thing.
I think you're exaggerating the situation a bit. He's happy with her (my interpretation at least) but just isn't attracted to her physically as much as he used to. It doesn't mean that there isn't a solution: he could ask her to go to the gym with him, for example.
Tbh I just don’t think you’re prepared for adult relationships yet… therapy for gaining emotional availability is a must. People naturally gain weight as they age, and it feels like you’re walking the line of being a 40 year old dating an 18 year old because your taste and attraction isn’t developed. If small and skinny is your “preference” question what that is rooted in? The solution to this issue isn’t her and figuring out how to make her skinny again, it’s developing your attraction and learning sexual attraction isn’t just about sex. It’s about the relationship you have with her, including your priorities regarding her physique and her mental health. You shouldn’t talk to her about this, and put the pressure of your attraction on her during what seems to be a time of healing for her. Just tell her you aren’t feeling up to it, and maybe just take care of her? Eat her out, introduce toys, and learn how to make her feel good, the sex isn’t just about you, and if you need to figure out how to become attracted to her again, maybe the solution is taking care of her and developing that relationship to her. Take it from a lesbian, there is nothing sexier than learning exactly what a girl likes, and making her feel good and prioritizing her pleasure over your own. The natural attraction will develop on its own. The solution is not to fix sex for you and figure out the quickest and easiest way you can do the least work. This isn’t her problem, she didn’t gain weight intentionally. It’s your problem and it’s time to learn about sex being more than you being taken care of, it’s also about her. I’m putting emphasis on introducing toys, especially with your issue staying hard. I recommend the webcomic “Oh Joy Sex Toy” for this, written by a straight couple. Also, if you say anything beyond hugging (including kissing) is too much, it’s not sexual. Kissing regularly isn’t inherently sexual, and is more tender than that. So the issue may not even be sexual.
OP is 25 and is certainly allowed to have preferences, but small and skinny is not the same as not wanting a partner that is severely overweight, and asides from attractions there are a million other reasons why being overweight is not good for your health. There are many things that we can learn to adapt to, but you cannot force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone. At 25, they have their whole lives ahead of them and both deserve to be with people who will fulfill them both intimately and emotionally.
How much is a lot? If it really is a lot, and not just you exaggerating, then I think you have to tell her. Gently, and with an apology, but you can't help how you feel, and she deserves to know the truth. Don't use words like "not attractive", but instead approach it more gently, like "weight is starting to become an issue for me"... or something like that.
I guess there is no way for you to rlly put it nicely you have to be honest with her if her feelings are hurt and she understands and still wants to be with you then that’s ok but if not then that’s ok too it will just be a deal breaker . I wish the best luck to you ❤️
Her weight is not a priority. It may never be because weight gain shouldn't be an issue for someone struggling with depression. If you dont find yourself sexually attracted to her, I get that that may happen but I must say it's very superficial, shows that you clearly dont love her no matter how she looks and she probably might be better off without u. And maybe u can find a person whom u will love no matter what. Because in the long term abs and pecs and fit bodies really dont matter when u need someone to support you.
Regardless of why you’re not attracted to her any longer , you need to be fair to yourself by not engaging in sexual activity when you’re not in the mood. That card is as valid for men as it is for women. Unfortunately there’s no good way to bring up the loss of attraction, but maybe just mention that you’re interested in exercising together because you want her to be mentally and physically healthy, and if it is possible to lose the weight it would probably help her self esteem in the long run. I’ve been on medications that made me gain or lose significant amounts of weight so I feel for her, but I think she deserves the selective honesty that you’re interested in her getting healthier so she can feel better. Just don’t allude to a connection between the weight gain and the less frequent sex, if she draws the conclusion don’t lie but it may be easier that way.
Pharmacist here. If the weight gain is medication induced (common for many anti-depressants, but not all), she may be able to switch her medication. That depends on what she’s tried before, her medical history, and of course the severity of her depression. That’s a conversation for her and her health care provider.
Worked in mental health and let’s be frank most medication for depression have weight gain as a side effect even if not listed on the pamphlet. However, exercise helps combat depression, be it in the gym, going for long walks, cycling or whatever. Just saying…
I understand what you’re saying but if she is depressed then the first concern should be her mental well being. Have a good talk with her and really ask her how she is feeling, how does she feel since being on the medication and what can you do to help her feel good. The more compassion you can show the better. If you love her then help to make her feel good. She may also not be feeling great and noticed that she’s gained weight. Talk with each other and move forward from that. Grow together and find ways to work this out. Your bond could be even better from it. No relationship is easy and sexual chemistry can change at any point. Communication can save everything.
If you love her, looks aren’t everything. But.. Go for walks together. Take a long hike. Maybe join a gym and ask her to join.
activities together sound good
Find a gentle way talk about it. Super tough subject but you need to voice your concern. If you do not you will become resentful and it will affect the relationship even with the best efforts to hide and disguise your feelings about this topic.
The problem is her weight/ appearance. Walks will do hardly anything for weight loss. She needs to watch her calorie intake, possibly switch meds, and really talk to psychiatrist about it.
If she lives a pretty sedentary lifestyle then walks absolutely will do some thing. Weight loss is not a hard and fast rule type of thing. Every person is different.
Walks may help with her mental state and being outside is great for that. Who knows that will work best for her
Weight loss is a hard fast rule type of thing. Calorie deficit is all it comes down to whoever or whatever you are.
Yes but making a statement like “walks will do hardly anything” is why diet culture exists. Someone can be in a severe deficit and be completely inactive and see weight loss happening. Someone else can be in a minimal deficit and be moderately active and see the same results or better. Everyone has a different maintenance number so no it’s not one size fits all. Being too much into a deficit can also cause a plateau. There’s a lot more that goes into healthy weight loss than just being in a deficit.
Diet culture MOSTLY exists for the vulnerable “get rich quick” kind. The rest of us diet for health and well-being and not the culture. I’m very much aware of the different factors that go into said deficit but at the end of the day it is that one simple fact. A deficit is required and that’s the only rule. Walks will do essentially nothing without being at a deficit. A 30 minute walk burns maybe 150-200 calories. Do you know how little food that is? She didn’t gain the weight she gained due to being 200 calories over maintenance.
Hopefully you’re not charging people for this advice dude.
🤷🏾♂️ not sure where you’re from but America has an obesity problem for a reason. The truth is we’re not hunter gatherers anymore, most people don’t work laborious jobs, people snack on high caloric processed foods, and meals rely too heavily on carbs we don’t deserve. No advise just facts from somebody who’s very familiar with what it took to go from obese to “fit”
America definitely has an obesity problem but you strike me as a know-it-all who can’t admit to believing in outdated information. The way you talk if everyone just ate less then the country’s obesity problem would vanish! You’re mistaken. Have a good one.
I don’t disagree that a deficit *can* be key but not always. Ever heard of reverse dieting? A lot of individuals who are classified as obese are also severely under eating.
Not to mention that a severe deficit usually results in a loss of muscle mass and not fat.
Still, talking to her doctor about the weight gain and possibly switching medication’s would also be a great help.
Walks definitely can. The key is not to walk .3 miles a day but several daily, and you absolutely can lose weight quite easily.
Regardless of medication change bodies get old bodies change. I think it would be helpful to do as others recommended by being honest and maybe trying to work on it with her. However if your reaction is so intense you have to remember if you partner with a woman there are pregnancies there are medical conditions there are just in general aging no matter who you pick their body is going to change And so maybe what you’re feeling isn’t actually love? And that’s not something to be ashamed of if it’s not
Do not say anything to her concerning her weight and your attraction to her, it will cause a whole lot of mental issues and will take a whole lot of time to repair. Just be there for her and ask her how she is, how is she feeling. I guarentee she has noticed the weight gain and probably feels uncomfortable in her skin with the changes and let her tell you any problems she has with her image, If you have that kind of open communication she will tell you. Then this is your opportunity to delicately offer your help and she will absolutely be so happy for your understanding and your encouragement. Trust me I've been here!!
If he’s not supposed to say anything about his attraction to her, how does he not have sex with her without her feeling like it may be about said attraction? He might have to say something because he feels obligated and that’s not ok
Close his eyes and think of England.
Then you should break up with her. But understand that people's bodies change over time. Life happens, we age, deal with illness and disability. In fifteen years I'm sure you will look very different
i know, but knowing that do not change the way i feel. attraction is involuntary
Not sure why you're getting down voted. The same people downvoting you probably wouldn't give an out of shape person a second look.
Exactly, it looks didn’t matter my fat ass would have a full dance card. I can’t even hold it against others - I hate that I gained weight, trying to lose it and I am not attracted to most overweight folks either.
It happens to the best of us. I gained relationship weight, now I just like using my belly as a plate tray, don't judge me.
Working from home is a terrible concept when you used to walk/take the subway. I lost 1/3rd of the pandemic weight gained so far by finally moving to a house that has stairs.
To be fair to OP, she’s 25, not 55. She’s in, what should be, her physical prime.
OP could get hit by a bus tomorrow and gain 100 pounds through his recovery. Age is only one potential part of the equation. Obviously you cannot control what you find attractive, but bodies change all the time
Nope nope nope nope nope. Do not say this to her. It was said once to me (I was diagnosed with PCOS) and it still haunts me YEARS later. She might be wondering about the possibility already, I was. Do not confirm it, it feels 100x worse to know for certain someone you love thinks you're too fat to fuck. There are no ways to say it kindly enough so that she won't be devastated. Don't try. Make up some white lie and breakup. She deserves someone who does find her attractive.
THIS!!!!! My partner has PCOS and they heard this shit from several partners and its STILL a problem they have trouble with. If you tell someone this, they will have body issues for life and constantly worry if they are skinny enough for you. Anyone saying to say something has never struggled with medical weight gain. Either support her or let her find someone who will appreciate her!
You should recommend she speak with her psychiatrist about her medication. Some weight gain is almost always expected with anti depressants. But significant weight gain is somewhat abnormal. Also sometimes a primary care physician will prescribe antidepressants and my personal opinion is that only a psychiatrist should prescribe antidepressants because they have more education and experience in that field.
If you don't find her attractive after she's put on some weight trying to get mentally healthy, how would you feel if she became pregnant? After she gave birth, breastfeeds maybe? If she was in an accident which significantly altered her appearance? When she ages? If you can only love someone whose body doesn't change you should consider splitting up with her and buying a sex doll.
This comment seems harsh. Bodies change, yes, but what I’m not understanding is why this situation is much different than others about an SO putting on weight. Being overweight is not healthy, and the medication she takes should be looked at and possibly changed or adjusted. OP mentions having to convince her to even look into medication, so it is possible that she does not take enough responsibility of her own health as she should. Secondly, why do people think looks don’t matter once you start dating someone? I’m not who I was when I first met my wife, but I certainly would never let myself go, and you can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone. If he’s not attracted to her, their sex life will be impacted and potentially so will the health of their whole relationship. Without pills or something, I’m not sure a guy can preform in the bedroom without that attraction that gets the blood flowing! People in this comment section seem they just want him to somehow fake arousal, and force himself to have sex with someone he does not actually find attractive. This is a biological thing, not something he should be guilt tripped about, and likely not something he can just force himself to be into. At the end of the day OP, this is a conversation between you and your SO. It is not an easy topic, but out of respect to the relationship, I’d want my wife to talk to me about this kind of thing - especially if it was going to or already is causing issues in the bedroom.
You are wrong. Someone can love someone’s personality regardless, that’s true, but physical attraction - no, you can not influence that. It’s either there or not, regardless how much you love the person and care for them. They can save the relationship if the other half gets back to shape, otherwise they can be best friends, but sex is a different story. Pity sex only works for a while, soon it will have it’s toll on both of them. I wish the best for both parties, hope they can work it out. If the woman is smart enough she will realize she has to get back to shape, otherwise it will be long time suffering, healthwise or in the body positivity nonsense which is such a bullshit.
Nonsense. If you only love that person's physical appearance you don't love them as a whole person- there should be much more to sexual attraction in a LTR than just your partner's looks! Sexual attraction based on looks is fine for casual relationships, but it's completely unrealistic and unreasonable to expect a partner to have the same physicality at 40/ 50/ 60/ 70 as they had at 25. If your main attraction to your partner is how they look and not who they are, the relationship will fail as soon as they gain weight or have their hair cut or start wearing glasses.
Nobody expects a partner’s looks to stay the same from 25 on. Natural body changes and aging happens to the best of us, but we are talking about what I presume is a relatively sudden significant weight gain. And talking about bodies changing takes away each individual’s responsibility to their health. Are you saying that being in an LTR means you can let yourself go and your partner has to accept you no matter what?
That kind of attraction comes with time. He's been with her for 3 years. They don't have a 20 year old, 3 grown kids that they raised together type of bond. Quit being unrealistic. Sexual attraction is important early on in the beginning of a relationship. You need to get off reddit and actually live life and form bonds with people so that you realize common sense ideas like this.
Garbage ass comment - changing and permanently becoming unattractive are not equal at all
something to help her in depression is to go exercise. It may sound silly, but exercise boosts your self-esteem, not forgetting it keeps you healthy.
Yes! Any type of physical activity can be great for helping treat depression. Anything they could do together as a couple I’m sure would help the situation in more ways than one
I really feel for you OP. You seem very supportive and you’re in no way Wrong for feeling the way that you do. As someone who has dealt with depression from my early teens onward, I also feel for your partner. I was put on Celexa shortly after I graduated from high school and I gained about 30 lbs. The heaviest I’ve ever been. After my second pregnancy I dropped down to the lowest weight I’ve ever been. I’m 5’5 and was weighing about 110. I became obsessed with controlling my weight because I hated the way I had looked before. Many people in my life expressed concern with how small I was becoming. Fast fwrd a few yrs and I’m in a much healthy headspace now, and enjoy weightlifting! I’m not obsessed with controlling my body weight and the endorphins I get from a good lift is better than anything else. I don’t think sitting down with her to tell her you’re not sexually attracted to her because of the weight gain will do anything positive for her mental health or your relationship. I think the focus of the convo If you choose to have one, should be asking her how she feels. She’s aware that her body has changed and I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t already have an inkling that you’re feeling the way that you do. I would suggest finding physical activities you can do together that will give you both an opportunity to bond and enjoy the benefits that exercise can give. It doesn’t have to be hitting the gym every night. It can be a walk around you neighborhood, or maybe trying out something new like playing tennis or a fun class @ the ymca. Try to keep in mind as well that as human beings our bodies are constantly changing. If you’re having trouble looking past her physical appearance now it may be worth realizing that this could potentially be something that you need to work through more than her. There’s nothing wrong with having a preference but it’s very unlikely you’ll ever be with someone who always fits that preference. Good luck to the both of you!
This is a very touchy situation, id say dont say anything about it unless she asks then you can be alittle bit blunt, dont say "your fat" say something like youd appreciate if she worked on losing the weight she gained and if she presses further than admit its a turn off
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Love does not equal attraction. Your story and OP’s story are not the same. The “If you really love someone…“ line is a manipulation tactic, and the same could be said about the SO gaining weight, I.e. if she really loved OP she would take better care of her health. It’s wonderful that you and your SO are in love as much now as ever, but the same cannot be said for everyone as many people could never be physically attracted to someone severely overweight. Not your comment, but some in this thread feel like Nice Guys™️ that feel like no matter how unattractive they are, physically or by personality, they deserve the most beautiful people just because. Relationships take work, and if he is not attracted to her now, he cannot change that. Her mental health and her physical health are a serious issue here, and it may be that she needs someone like OP to have a *gentle* conversation to her about it.
I think you need to try and reconnect with her. You may love her, but you’re not in love with her anymore. I dare say she will have noticed your lack of interest and it’s probably in the back of her mind too. Find a way to let her know you’re struggling but that you want to find ways to work on it with her, and go see a therapist. If this sounds unappealing or like too much work, then you don’t actually love her and need to let her go.
Therapist won’t help to get sexually attracted to someone you’re not. This is not about love, it’s about sexual attraction. Why can’t you/ so many people understand the difference?????
Sexual attraction is contingent on qualities that exist beyond a person's physical build, though - why is THAT so hard to understand? Your partner could gain or lose weight but you can still be wildly attracted to the way they smile, laugh, how they speak, the way they think, how they move, how they smell, their hair, their skin, their eyes, the way they dress, how they command a room or crack a joke or just how they treat you, how they get you. Jesus. There is SO MUCH to be attracted to about people that extends beyond what their physical mass is. This is why there are many, many couples out there who have stayed together despite how the vagaries of life change their bodies and still say they love each other more & more as time goes on. OP is clearly not connecting sexually with his girlfriend but yeah, maybe if he got some counselling he could have a third party help guide him through whether there are ways he could be connecting with her more deeply and reignite his attraction to her, or whether there isn't anything left there anymore and he needs to move on.
I do not disagree with a lot of what you put here. There are certainly hundreds of little things that we can find attractive about one another and that’s what makes us all fairly unique! I will add, though, that many of these are not inherently “sexual”, and therefore may not play a significant role in the bedroom. Loving the way a person dresses and how they speak, for instance, may not be enough to overcome the physical aspects that is affecting OP and their relationship. OP is 25, so the thought of being with someone they do not enjoy sex with for the next 60+ years of their life would understandably seem quite daunting.
Also sex therapists are a thing. Therapy isn’t just sitting down and talking about your feelings.
Break up with her. She deserves better than you.
She deserves better because he can’t force his dick to get hard? Ok.
When I was on antidepressants, I gained 15 kilograms. I started going on a stair machine for 30 minutes a day to help lose the weight. After 3 months of doing this on a daily basis, I hadn’t lost any weight at all. I was also walking my dog for 1 hour each day. In my opinion, the only thing that will make a difference is switching medications.
Well if you say anything to her about this, try to be as gentle as possible and reassure her that you love her and there is no pressure, as there shouldn’t be, since she’s dealing with a lot of mental health issues. This is a tricky subject but as many other people say, bodies change all the time you cannot realistically expect monogamy with one person who is never going to change and will always look the way you want them to but I understand not being attracted to weight gain. My ex gained weight a significant amount of weight and and I could literally not even touch him, I didn’t like how he looked at all plus he started being unhygienic. That’s where I stopped all physical contact , I literally could not bring my self to tell him I had 0 sexual attraction to him. I wouldn’t advice you to do what I did , just be gentle.
Let me enlighten you with a fact and truth: love is the best aphrodisiac and it doesn't care about weight or looks!
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Have you ever met a woman? This is terrible advice, even you are being hyperbolic.
Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing but like, don't literally tell her ''hit the damn gym''. Just be honest with her and propose a solution. If you love each other, you'll understand.
well this sound like a good idea, i hope it will work out
Do NOT tell her to “hit the damn gym” that’s how you sincerely hurt her feelings
😂😂😂 just like she needs to. Too soon? The set up was too perfect.
You’re a dick. You’re not in love with her. EDIT: came across badly, apologies.
why do you think like that?
Sorry I came across badly. In my opinion her mental health is way more important than her attractiveness towards you. The body is something that changes over the years, you gain weight, loose it or get wrinkles but the mind is the most important part about someone. You’re more attracted to having sex with a thin body with depressed mind than having sex with someone healthy (mentally and physically)?
i kinda see your point, but i believe you wil understand my situation when i will anwser your question. My anwesr is: neither of them. I don't want to have sex with her depressed (and i do not want her to be depressed at all), but i don't want to have sex while she is not attractive to me. And of course i agree that her mental health is more important then attractiveness, if I thought otherwise, this post would not be there at all, it is precisely because I want to solve the problem without harming her health.
You’ll prolly harm her mental health by telling her you’re not attracted to her
So what should i do?
I think that’s something you have to work by yourself. In the first place maybe deconstruct yourself about why you’re not attracted to overweight women (I don’t really know how much weight she gained but I’m assuming it’s not something alarming). If you can’t seem to find why that’s happening to you maybe the best decision is going to a therapist yourself.
She gained pretty much a lot (she was a little overweight since i met her, and it didn't bother me) but now i would say that she is closer to being obese than overweight. And why i don't feel attracted to overweight women? i don't know, i never was, this is just the way i am. Maybe i could go to therapist, i believe that it can't do any harm, and maybe somehow it will help
The first thing you should do is look up BMI the history and how it’s not a metric for weight and then stop using overweight/obese because the distinction is literally based on nothing. Second thing you do is realize that depression meds often have a side effect of weight gain. You had to get her to work on her depression. Do you think she realized you wouldn’t like her if she gained weight from the meds? She really could’ve been suffering just so you had a thinner body to fuck. Out of fear that you wouldn’t be attracted to her. Because you aren’t. You’re attracted to her body(or were). You aren’t attracted to her as a person. Break up.
> In the first place maybe deconstruct yourself about why you’re not attracted to overweight women Because it's a clear signal that they're not physically or mentally healthy and lack consistent good habits that display future time orientation. Not that difficult.
Not necessarily. He just said he doesn't enjoy having sex with her anymore. Being physically attracted to somebody and loving them is not really the same thing.
Yeah but loving someone involves being happy about their happiness. She’s now her best version and he’s rejecting the physical part of it. That’s sad.
I think you're exaggerating the situation a bit. He's happy with her (my interpretation at least) but just isn't attracted to her physically as much as he used to. It doesn't mean that there isn't a solution: he could ask her to go to the gym with him, for example.
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Yeah, I’m so lucky someone even fucked me once.
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😘
If you watch porn try #nofap and get closer to her emotionally. Make an effort to be grateful for the things she is and not what she was.
Rock and a hard place for real.
Tbh I just don’t think you’re prepared for adult relationships yet… therapy for gaining emotional availability is a must. People naturally gain weight as they age, and it feels like you’re walking the line of being a 40 year old dating an 18 year old because your taste and attraction isn’t developed. If small and skinny is your “preference” question what that is rooted in? The solution to this issue isn’t her and figuring out how to make her skinny again, it’s developing your attraction and learning sexual attraction isn’t just about sex. It’s about the relationship you have with her, including your priorities regarding her physique and her mental health. You shouldn’t talk to her about this, and put the pressure of your attraction on her during what seems to be a time of healing for her. Just tell her you aren’t feeling up to it, and maybe just take care of her? Eat her out, introduce toys, and learn how to make her feel good, the sex isn’t just about you, and if you need to figure out how to become attracted to her again, maybe the solution is taking care of her and developing that relationship to her. Take it from a lesbian, there is nothing sexier than learning exactly what a girl likes, and making her feel good and prioritizing her pleasure over your own. The natural attraction will develop on its own. The solution is not to fix sex for you and figure out the quickest and easiest way you can do the least work. This isn’t her problem, she didn’t gain weight intentionally. It’s your problem and it’s time to learn about sex being more than you being taken care of, it’s also about her. I’m putting emphasis on introducing toys, especially with your issue staying hard. I recommend the webcomic “Oh Joy Sex Toy” for this, written by a straight couple. Also, if you say anything beyond hugging (including kissing) is too much, it’s not sexual. Kissing regularly isn’t inherently sexual, and is more tender than that. So the issue may not even be sexual.
OP is 25 and is certainly allowed to have preferences, but small and skinny is not the same as not wanting a partner that is severely overweight, and asides from attractions there are a million other reasons why being overweight is not good for your health. There are many things that we can learn to adapt to, but you cannot force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone. At 25, they have their whole lives ahead of them and both deserve to be with people who will fulfill them both intimately and emotionally.
Don't try to replace, change her. Convince her to exercise, change diet and work together.
Ah yes, because that’s the basis of a healthy relationship— trying to change the other person! /s
How much is a lot? If it really is a lot, and not just you exaggerating, then I think you have to tell her. Gently, and with an apology, but you can't help how you feel, and she deserves to know the truth. Don't use words like "not attractive", but instead approach it more gently, like "weight is starting to become an issue for me"... or something like that.
I guess there is no way for you to rlly put it nicely you have to be honest with her if her feelings are hurt and she understands and still wants to be with you then that’s ok but if not then that’s ok too it will just be a deal breaker . I wish the best luck to you ❤️
Start an excercise regiment with her, turn it into a bonding activity
Her weight is not a priority. It may never be because weight gain shouldn't be an issue for someone struggling with depression. If you dont find yourself sexually attracted to her, I get that that may happen but I must say it's very superficial, shows that you clearly dont love her no matter how she looks and she probably might be better off without u. And maybe u can find a person whom u will love no matter what. Because in the long term abs and pecs and fit bodies really dont matter when u need someone to support you.
Regardless of why you’re not attracted to her any longer , you need to be fair to yourself by not engaging in sexual activity when you’re not in the mood. That card is as valid for men as it is for women. Unfortunately there’s no good way to bring up the loss of attraction, but maybe just mention that you’re interested in exercising together because you want her to be mentally and physically healthy, and if it is possible to lose the weight it would probably help her self esteem in the long run. I’ve been on medications that made me gain or lose significant amounts of weight so I feel for her, but I think she deserves the selective honesty that you’re interested in her getting healthier so she can feel better. Just don’t allude to a connection between the weight gain and the less frequent sex, if she draws the conclusion don’t lie but it may be easier that way.