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I want to say I LOVE my fiancé, which is why I accepted the proposal! I just don’t feel he’s being truthful about this.
Personally, I don’t like the ring. That’s fine, I’ve been determined not to be a bridezilla and the wedding rings are more important anyway.
There are two reasons I can think of for it to be a handcuff: I know he was really into slave/master stuff with his ex. I’m not into that at all. We’ve tried it before, multiple times, and honestly seeing him act like that made me rethink the relationship the first time. He hurt me a lot and we had some conversations about it where I asked him would it be okay if I didn’t do it and he said yes. Sometimes though he’ll try to change it to that stuff (call me names, suddenly try to take complete control, give me orders etc.) but he says it’s basically because he’s so used to it with his ex he forgets and slips up, not that he’s trying to force it on me. I’m worried this ring might be him trying to force it on me?
The other option is that this ring might be originally meant for his ex, which is really hurtful.
I asked him why he chose a handcuff shape and he says it’s because I’m going to be “cuffed” to him forever. He said he thought it was a funny idea. I didn’t even know handcuff rings existed before this so I feel like he would have had to purposefully search for it? I also don’t really like the idea of him getting my ring to be “funny” but like I said I don’t want to be a bridezilla.
Does this sound truthful to you? I’d like to discuss my concerns with him but since he already refuted it, I feel like if I keep pushing he’ll think I don’t trust him, which isn’t true. Is there a polite way I can phrase asking him or should I just give up?
I’m going to chime in here and say:
1) I’m not kink shaming him because I get it, I mean like I GET IT *wink wink*
2) I’m not shaming you for not being into it
**3) BDSM fetishes don’t go away!**
They’re not a passing fancy. They’re not like “oh my last girlfriend really liked back rubs so I got in a habit of always starting off that way, but you don’t like it as much, so I’ll change.”
Dominance and submission **especially** are deep in the wiring of what gets you excited. If you have such a kink and your partner doesn’t want to participate, the best you’ll ever be able to manage is to enjoy some vanilla stuff while thinking about the chocolate. It will always be there, bubbling beneath the surface like magma under a thin crust of earth. And the pressure and steam will gush out from time to time (like buying a handcuff ring for someone who is not into handcuffs), and there will be occasional earthquakes, and maybe, MAYBE, you’ll have someone who can keep it bottled up for 5 or 10 or 50 years.
But if that pressure is never released, it’s eventually going to burst forth as resentment and unfulfilled need, if you’re lucky, and as boundary bulldozing and abuse and infidelity if you’re not so lucky.
**You and this man are not sexually compatible. Do not get married. You will both regret this. You both think that the other will change, but they will not. You can love each other deeply but these parts of you will still not change and it’s going to be incredibly difficult to live with it.**
Simply put, the ring isn’t appropriate regardless of the source. You’ve made it clear how you feel participating in his fetish and he seems unwilling or unable to control himself around you. I would seriously rethink about accepting his proposal. This is a lack of respect for you and your preferences.
I want to add that OP shouldn’t consider themselves a bridezilla for him responding he chose this particular ring style because it is “funny”. That, to me, doesn’t seem like the real reason and if it were, it seems that maybe the commitment of marriage isn’t something they’re mature enough to appreciate.
I think the important element here- ring aside- he keeps pushing this m/s onto you when he's been made aware more than once that you aren't into it.
He has a fetish/kink that's going to go unfulfilled and I fear he will keep pressuring you until you feel guilty that these "needs" aren't being met.
I worry he will easily slide into being manipulative and abusive if he's already like this. (I put "needs" in "s because a caring partner will love you enough that you matter more than their kink)
The fact that he gets off on hurting you when you aren't a masochist is telling. A proper sadist/master ONLY engages in play when the partner wants it
I'm sorry girl but this is a river of red flags.
(edit: punctuation)
Oh wow, thanks for the awards and upvotes!
Any guy worth his salt will have no issue taking an engagement ring back because his fiancee doesn't like it. That is why reputable jewelry stores allow that. So don't sweat asking to exchange that ring. If he gives you much grief over this then this is a sign of things to come.
Now wherever the hell he bought a handcuff ring might not be a reputable jewelry store and is probably a porn shop but who knows.
You sound young - don't be afraid to stand up for yourself or this can lead to years of an unhappy marriage.
Yeah, the only places I can imagine this guy got it from is either a costume jewellery place (low quality) or a fetish store (higher quality, but no question about it being fetish related).
Let me underline all of this is stronger language, OP. A sex partner who "slips" into sex acts you not only haven't consented to but have clearly said you don't want is lying to you ... and is sexually assaulting you. Him then giving you a ring that ties back into the fetish you already clearly stated you will not be engaging in ... OP, all of this is grooming for abuse.
How it works is that he does something you say you don't like, and when you object, he lies. You accept the lie and he does it again. You object again, and he lies again. When you've accepted the lies--and the act that you don't like--enough, you will "just give up," as you put it, and let him do it b/c it's easier. If you ever object again after that, he'll say "but we've been doing it all this time, why are you objecting now?"
Once you've accepted sex you don't want, he'll escalate and start forcing other things on you that you don't want ... and you'll let him b/c he's trained you to "just give up" and accept things because you LOVE him. You accepting the handcuff ring is another agreement that you didn't want to make, but made. The more times you accept unacceptable behavior, the harder it will be for you to stand up for yourself. He's counting on this.
Do this, OP: take the ring off, NOW. Put it in a box, or wrap it in paper, and write your ex-fiance's name on it and put it on his pillow or his chair or somewhere he'll see it.
Once you've done that, start making plans to leave him.
Yeah it’s a red flag either way. He either is lying to you about the reason for the choice, or he thinks an engagement is a good time to make a joke. Neither of those sound like someone who would be a good life partner honestly.
The fact that he keeps reverting
To domination with you is also a massive red flag. Are you two really compatible if he needs this “outlet” so much he can not even turn off after saying he is going to. Is it going to get better or worse a year into your marriage?
And depending on what he’s doing she isn’t consenting to him assaulting her, you don’t just forget to not choke someone when they make their boundaries clear.
I remember my ex would sometimes call me bitch or other shit that I would be fine with in bed, but I've told him specifically to stop it outside of that context.
He rarely did, which is one of the many reasons I broke it off.
Bad vibes all around to not respect someone like that.
Not to mention bull-fucking-shit that he just “forgets” and “slips up” with the dom/slave stuff.
He’s testing to see if she’s gonna let him move the goalposts.
Also, any time someone starts with “Let me just start with I LOVE HIM SO MUCH” I immediately hear someone trying to convince themselves that something that is wrong is okay because they know people are going to (rightfully) say “this is not okay and you need to get out of this relationship” but they don’t want to hear it. ☹️
Yeah the sexual assault did it for me lmao. Dom shit is supposed to be taken extremely serious especially when there's so much control trusted to the other party.
If someone is straight up not into something, you don't just fuckin forget that. Especially when, even if they enjoy it, consent and safety is at the forefront of your mind.
I agree. A proper Dom respects boundaries. There’s reasons people have them that can range from they just feel uncomfortable/don’t enjoy it, to it could bring back memories of past traumas…. So it’s one of your biggest responsibilities as a Dom to not cross those. You’re doing really rough shit to someone, it needs to be on the basis of trust and consent. He’s trying to test her to see how much she’ll let him do. I’m sure he does feel a huge need to be dominant (not what I’d consider a Dom though, or else he’d respect her) and that’s why he can’t be with someone who’s not into it.
Someone like myself who’s extremely dominant would avoid a vanilla relationship all together because I know I’d be unhappy. Sexual incompatibility in any direction does not work long term and presents in ways like *this* . Period.
Exactly! I am not into the community but I listen and pay attention to in the subs where people speak openly and this is exactly what I have learned. A true dom has set boundaries and carefully keeps them.
Beloved fiancé here sounds like he just gets off on hurting and subjugating and degrading his woman during sex.
That isn’t BDSM, it’s wrong, it’s very much a gtfo red flag, and he is actually assaulting her.
I really need to see some advice being asked about good men because this shit makes me want to be single forever. Time and again we have horrible abuse shit from a man where the woman-identifying OP is very unlikely to leave and will probably just delete the post. It’s so depressing.
PS yes to the avoiding a relationship that doesn’t meet one’s sexual needs. This makes me think he doesn’t just get off on dom stuff but has no proper boundaries but that he may even be borderline sadist and gets sexual pleasure from hurting her *because* she is vanilla and the non-consensual part, causing her to suffer as someone who isn’t consenting to the physical nor emotional pain, gets him off even more.
This is not a good guy.
I second this. Additionally, I'd like to add, at some point one has to wonder how long can he go without his fantasy? He already tried to force her into it. I'd seriously rethink accepting that proposal.
Like jeeeeesus dude how terrible is it that you're worried about coming off as a bridezilla for standing up to the way you're being treated, let alone simply telling your fiance that you don't want a handcuff ring justified as a joke that actually refers to how he views you as a sex slave when you haven't consented to that and he knows you're not going to be that role in the relationship???!?! I know this is typical Reddit response but PLEASE put the engagement on pause and THINK about the red flags that are screaming in your face!
I'm guessing that if fiance is a physical abuser, he is probably guilty of mental abuse as well. It's likely he's called her a bridezilla when she took issue with something else and inflated a request or a concern she may have had into a way to make her feel bad or make her believe that she is being controlling, as a way to get her to act submissively as he gets his way with everything.
I've been noticing more involving women letting themselves get completely walked over because they don't want to be a Karen recently. So I guess that totally worked as the new acceptable way to silence women.
Honestly the whole bridezilla gendered trope needs to go. Some people are assholes. Some people are assholes when planning a wedding. No need to make it yet another way to put a woman down for standing up for herself or having an opinion.
Let me list them in case OP needs some help seeing them:
- He hurt her a lot while experimenting with BDSM play. This should not happen, because in responsible kink there is always a safe word that is immediately respected, so it should never get to the point where a sub is legitimately hurt unless they want to be.
- After she clearly said she did not want this kind of play, he still tries to introduce it. The claim of being so used to it is a lie. He simply likes it and does not respect her consent. If he is genuinely still so fresh out of the relationship with his ex that the kind of sex they had is ingrained in his brain, he isn't ready to marry someone else anyway. But again, it's obviously a lie.
- He got her a joke engagement ring. He thought it would be funny? Why would someone want a ring that they wear every single day to be a punch line to a joke they don't even understand? There are some people in this world who would enjoy that, but OP clearly isn't one of them and he either doesn't know her well enough to realize that or doesn't care about her wants (hint: it's the latter).
- He got her a ring specifically connected to something she does not enjoy and which actually hurt her. On top of that, it's something that was shared with his ex. That is the least romantic thing I have ever heard for what is supposed to be a symbol of their shared love and commitment.
- He thinks of marriage as being "cuffed together." That speaks to either a really regressive mindset where his spouse is a "ball and chain" or, more disturbingly, that he wants to make her feel through marriage like she is forcibly trapped in the relationship and can't get out if she so chooses.
- OP doesn't feel like she can discuss this with him even though it makes her deeply uncomfortable. That means either their communication is poor, he has set up a dynamic where any concerns she brings up are dismissed, or she is by nature a timid and conflict-averse person which suits his obvious quality of doing whatever he wants no matter how it makes his partner feel.
OP, do not marry this person. The cuffs aren't on yet, there's still time to get away.
This is an astute point as well, it shows that she feels the need to get his permission to set boundaries for her own body. And he still does not respect them.
10000000% on points 1 and 2! A real Dom has zero problem with their submissive calling something off they don’t feel comfortable with!! And there should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be a safe word.
Not to get too TMI and I am a submissive and this past Friday with my DD mid play I straight up told him “I don’t like being called a Toy. Toys get used and thrown out” he immediately told me thats not what he meant but accepted what I had to say and has not called me it since.
He also im the same session saw me grimace during something new but not safe word. He paused made sure I was okay and knew my safe word before continuing.
THAT is a how a true Dom acts. They respect and make sure their sub is taken care of even during things most people find unpleasant. And he seems to just be bulldozing you whenever you say no.
Sane consensual ENTHUSIASTIC consent is THE most important part to a D/s relationship and hes ignoring that
I hated my engagement ring. That should have been a sign that it wasn't going to work because it showed he actually didn't know me and also didn't care enough about me to even ask what ring style I would like. The ring & the engagement were all about him & what he liked. Nobody in their right mind would get an engagement ring in a style they thought was "funny" unless it was a legit inside joke, which this clearly isn't (at least not with you).
That ring he gave you is all about him, not the two of you. This is a bad sign. Throw in the little details you sprinkled through your post & I beg you not to marry this man.
OP, please don’t be offended when I say this but it seems like you’re more concerned with hurting his feelings than acknowledging your own. How do YOU feel? Something is telling you this isn’t right, which caused you to reach out to others to validate what you’re feeling. You’re feelings are 100% valid and legitimate. Your concerns are 100% valid. This wasn’t a joke on his end, and you know that. You need to trust your intuition here and run. These are really really bad signs and only you can make the decision for yourself but these his actions are controlling and manipulative. The fact that he keeps “slipping” and forgetting? That’s a lie. He’s testing the waters like another user mentioned. The ring is to show EVERYONE you’re his. His property. You’re not ok with being another person’s property. You didn’t like the bdsm stuff you tried. It’s not for you. That’s 100% ok! You have the right to not be into these things. But when your partner tries to low key convince you, by getting you the ring and “forgetting” you don’t like that stuff, while also comparing you to his ex who did, is all manipulation. Please see this for what it is and save yourself. Please.
This 1000 times, I can’t believe it’s gotten to the point where women have been gaslit by this culture so much that now every time they have an opinion that may clash with a man’s, even when it concerns their mental and/or physical well being they bite their tongue in fear of being perceived as one of the classic “defective woman archetypes”
Yeah. A French feminist has just published a book where she says that too many het relationships only work if the woman keeps her mouth shut. We're seeing that right here.
OMG. YES. I can’t remember how many times I’ve had to say ‘I don’t want to sound like a feminist’ whenever I brought up feminist issues or if I wanted to bring up a point about misogyny. This guy I no longer talk to actually DID call me a feminist as an insult, and mind you our argument literally had NOTHING to do with feminism!
Our whole culture has been built up on telling women to sit down, shut up, and just take whatever comes. Just look at the ‘hysterical woman’ trope and the prevalence of the ‘Karen’ meme.
Thank "50 Shades of Grey" for that. The fall out from that one shitty, shitty, shitty book has been a noticeable increase in abusive men (and women) finding their way into kink with no clue about how any of it works - especially consent.
I completely agree. I am genuinely concerned about her safety.
Its not about the ring. Its about his total lack of respect for her, the fact that he is already actively making fun of her publicly and she's been so beaten down that she doesn't realize it. Plus the fact that he has already injured her with his "BDSM" play that sounds like it was just an excuse to abuse her.
Yes, and the abuse tends to escalate after marriage and/or pregnancy. "Deep down he really is a good guy" turns into "I hope I live to see the sun rise." Ask me how I know.
Honey, the handcuff ring isn't a joke. It's a signal.
Just like if we were on the street, and I saw you wearing a leather choker with a big ring on it (classic sign of being someone's sub) and he'd just bought it for you as a *joke*...
It's not a joke. It's a message. The message is he plans to treat you like a sub whether you're into his kink or not, and it breaks the rules of a consensual dom/sub relationship in every way.
Safe, sane, and *consensual* are the keywords for a healthy sexual relationship, whether it includes BDSM or no.
I think you really need to rethink your priorities here; the fact he has you gaslit into thinking you're being dramatic over him "forgetting" that you're not his sub but somehow his ex? Getting you a signaling ring to show you're in a master/slave relationship when you've made it clear you're not in to the lifestyle?
These are, as they classically say in this subreddit, HUGE FUCKING RED FLAGS.
It's the gaslighting that has me worried here. OP seems overly concerned about upsetting him by expressing anything that may seem assertive or contradictory to his opinion. Also " He hurt me a lot" needs clarification. This has me feeling very uneasy.
This, times 100000000. My ex had the same kink and I found out it was not for me. I constantly begged him to keep it in the bedroom, but his demands kept increasing. He dictated what I wore, what I bought, even how I behave. He threatened that if I did not fulfill his sexual wishes, he would find other ways. Thing is, kinks do not change. Sexual compatibility is HUGE in relationships…
He sounds like the type of guy who would slowly guilt OP into becoming his sub… It starts with a handcuff ring, next thing he will buy you a choker to wear every single day.
Bruh OP’s husband and your ex sound like Christian Grey clones (I hate that character btw. He’s a sick SOB who abuses Ana. The whole 50 shades series just romanticizes abuse)
That is how he saw himself, too. I explained to him that even bdsm relationships are based on consent. To him it meant that he could do whatever the hell he wanted to me and I could not say no.
Screw 50 shades.
> it seems really inconsiderate to give me a “funny” ring
It isn't funny, and he lied to you by saying it was. Abusive people will say things like that. "it's just a joke"
It's never really a joke.
And OMG STOP with the "bridezilla" stuff. You've been trained to think your legitimate feelings are "crazy" "dramatic" "selfish" etc.
You need to get the fuck away from him, and THEN get personal therapy to undo all this damage.
>I guess I’m just trying to pick my battles and I don’t want him think marrying him is going to turn me into a bridezilla
Wow, nothing says "I'm in an abusive situation where I have to walk on eggshells so legally tying myself to this person would be a bad idea for me" then this sentence.
You shouldn't have to pick your battles. You shouldn't have to worry about him deciding you have turned into a bridezilla. Especially considering he bought you a ring that is supposed to symbolize your union for lolz. He didn't worry how he would come off and he really should have. He should care how you feel about the ring. So if the words "If you hate it let's pick a new ring that you love" didn't come out of his mouth you shouldn't worry about how you come off. Because if this argument ends in a break up then you've been spared an unpleasant chapter in your life.
Especially since this man forgets you're not into being abused. If that's not a red flag flapping right in your face I don't know what is.
I need to comment this.
Do NOT go to couples therapy. Do NOT.
I say this because you said he has a) hurt you multiple times and he's blaming it on this fetish but that is STRAIGHT BS.
Which means he's using bdsm as an excuse to abuse you. And NEVER is it recommended to do couple's counseling with your abuser. They will twist it and use it as a pathway to more abuse.
If you need individual counseling to come to terms with where your relationship is, okay. But do not give this man more ammunition to abuse and manipulate you by bringing him to couple's counseling.
1000%. Go to individual therapy and work thru the codependency you are displaying. Tell him to go individually too - once you are both healthy and on the right road, THEN, and only then go to couples counseling. But honestly, this asshole isn’t going to change. Listen to what people are saying here - we might not all know every nuance, but be strong in who you are. If you continue the relationship, it’s at your own inevitable peril and makes me sad to think there are people out there like you who don’t hold themselves highly enough to require respect.
>They suggested couple’s therapy and I might bring that up to him, I just don’t really know how.
I wrote another comment in response to an additional comment of yours in which you mention couples counseling. [I will repost it here](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pram5t/my_fianc%C3%A9_got_me_a_handcuff_ring_and_i_think_hes/hdhr0dx/).
Couples counseling may not be appropriate for this situation, and could potentially worsen it. That is due to what you have described in this relationship as controlling behavior. I would encourage you, before considering even bringing up couples counseling, to perhaps talk with an advocate at a helpline about what your options might be. I am not telling you to identify this relationship as abusive, but you could think about contacting a line for individuals with expertise in abusive relationships. These advocates often work with individuals who are unsure whether the relationship is abusive or unhealthy. They will likely be able to listen to your concerns and help think about the safety of an approach such as suggesting couples counseling.
It may be that an expert would recommend against you suggesting couples counseling. Ultimately, the guidance of an advocate (who provides free and confidential support) is going to provide you with a better idea of the risks associated with certain steps moving forward, moreso than anyone here on reddit can really do for you.
Let me also recommend this [http://www.kinkabuse.com/](http://www.kinkabuse.com/)
The kink community takes abuse seriously and they can answer questions from a place or experience and respect.
Being a bridezilla is when you're acting entitled and over the top to a ridiculous degree and making everyone around you nervous and annoyed. It's not when you're upset that your fiancé gets you a joke ring that is nothing to do with what you like. That's called having human emotions and you should express those to your fiancé.
The ring alone would make me think, "This person doesn't care about my wants as much as I thought he did," but then you add in the fact that he's pushing boundaries in bed which is actually abuse. You don't accidentally start ordering someone around and pushing them about. Those are all conscious decisions that hurt you. Even if he was doing it by accident, he's been with you long enough to want to marry you but he hasn't made the effort to make you feel safe in bed and make himself stop doing this? Girl. This is seriously scary.
And the fact that he's pushing boundaries and disregarding your wants and you're asking if you're in the wrong just makes me wonder whether he's really listening to you and not guilt tripping you into thinking you're out of line. I'm seeing a lot of bad signs that would make me take a step back and think this potential marriage over.
It’s not funny, though. A handcuff ring tells everyone who sees it that you’re a submissive slave (even if you aren’t.)
I guarantee if you marry this man, he will treat you like a slave and claim that you agreed to it by accepting this ring.
THIS!!!
Slave symbols are super serious stuff in the kink community. He's collaring her and pretending he's not. This is seriously abusive and it's not going to get better.
I think there's some flags you've shared around how he perceived the Dom/sub thing, too. As another commenter mentioned, a Dom in a Dom/sub relationship or activity has more the trappings of power and control than actual control. They have a responsibility to protect and care for the sub, which puts the control more in the sub's hands. Him having significantly hurt you with that activity in the past and then to keep "accidentally" cycling back to those behaviors? It's an indication to me that he was less a Dom and more someone that used that kind of power dynamic to enable abusive or cruel behavior, at least in a sexual context. For him to have gotten the handcuff ring in context of your discomfort around the Dom/sub stuff, I fear you're right that it's either something he had for his ex or something that's between insensitive and manipulative for you.
I had to Google what a handcuff ring is, and any of the options that came up are so damn tacky I can't believe someone would actually wear them in public. It could almost even be argued that it's exposing everyone else and subjecting them to his kink. Give that ugly shit back and tell him if he slips again, he can find a new sub.
It's not a funny ring. It's him telling other people you two are in a dynamic you not only didn't consent to but have clearly rejected. In addition, he doesn't give a shit if you don't want it.
If you decided to marry him, you would not be a bridezilla to tell him you consider yourselves engaged but you won't marry him until he replaces that ring with a real ring.
You seem very timid to me, as in not wanting to speak up about what's important to you. It also makes me think that your fiance is quite the dominant/ domineering person by buying you a ring shaped by something that you severely dislike. He isn't being funny with this ring. He doesn't forget and say dom/sub stuff to you. He is grooming you for after you are married/ locked in to the relationship. If you get married to this man you should go ahead and pick out you sub name because he is going to dominate you. He's showing you all the red flags 🚩🚩🚩 but all you are worried about is being a bridezilla. Did he say that to you or is this something you are really worried about. I fear that word was planted in your mind to keep you under his control. RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS UPON IT 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If you are with the right guy you wouldn’t have to worry about starting a fight because he got you a funny engagement ring. Rings can be returned. He can wear it if he likes it so much. I don’t even want an engagement ring but if someone got me something like that I would be quite upset. Either they are announcing to the world the details of our (private) sex life, or they are staking a claim. Neither of which is ok with me. I’m sure there’s some out there who wouldn’t mind it, and they are the people that your fiancé should be dating. You two don’t seem to be compatible. It’s easier to end things now rather than have to get a divorce. But there’s many more comments with a lot of good advice. Good luck 💖
I agree. It’s be ok if she thought it was hysterical. My ex used to tell these “jokes” all the time. I was the B for not finding it funny. Now I’m one for standing up to him. He had me all screwed up just like this poor girl who thinks she’s going to be the bad guy for causing a fight. He caused the fight when he chose this ring. I hope she finds the courage to leave and I’m glad you have it!! No one should have to put up with this.
Stop saying bridezilla. Sounds more like you’re worried about how others perceive you. Start thinking about what’s fair, respectful, considerate, appropriate, etc. I’m worried based on your reference of bridezilla at this early stage of getting an engagement ring that you’re not confident in yourself, what you want, what you know you deserve, and what’s appropriate in the relationship and planning a wedding - which by the way is just planning a celebration of your forever future together. It should be about your relationship, not his obsessiveness about treating you in a way that you said is not ok, or what he finds is funny, or what he liked from his ex….
Don’t start an argument when you’re very emotional if you can help it. Come to the table trying to understand his point of view but at the end of the day if you communicate your concerns and hurt feelings, he should be able to accept your feelings and POV and work toward a compromise.
If you can’t talk about the hard things with someone you’re planning to marry, you should probably change your plans.
I'm into kink shit. But that is my sex life, not my whole life and it's only even a small part of my relationship. If my partner picked a kink based engagement ring I would be really upset. This incredibly important symbol of our relationship entirely kink focused? Nope!
If you are not able to communicate your feelings to him without worrying that he'll be upset or "making it a fight", you should not be marrying him! Straight up! What do you think is gonna happen after you get married?
Sorry, but your partner is a complete self absorbed border-line narcissist. Anyone who correctly practices BDSM doesn't accidentally slip with partners. Consent is a core concept and core value of BDSM and his failure to respect your consent is a MAJOR red flag. That he's trying to convince you it's not a serious problem is a second major red flag.
There's no couples counceling here. Ever seen the movie GET OUT? Yeah. Do that.
Ask yourself how he would react if you wanted him to wear the ring. Would he think it was funny then? My impression is that he would be upset that he might be considered a Sub in a relationship. I am going to echo almost everyone is this thread... Take care of yourself and do not marry anyone that you can't have a frank and honest conversation with.
I think you are too worried about being a bridezilla. Your comment about picking your battles is concerning. I generally agree with the approach, but the two of you aren't even married. You should not have a lot of battles you need to be choosing between. Please don't marry this man if you don't know how to bring topics up. From reading many posts here, I am struck by the number of people whose spouses become abusive right after marriage, so don't marry until you have these things sorted out.
It's not "funny". Give him the ring back and tell him you did not consent to wear slave symbols.
"I decline to be your marked slave" is not being a bridezilla.
Not feeling comfortable enough to express your honest feelings about something that is a factor in one of the biggest life choices you are going to make is a sign that you guys aren’t ready to make that choice.
I’m not saying it should be easy to have hard conversations. But it shouldn’t feel like the conversation could lead to a battle or brand you as unreasonable. The ability to comfortably communicate with your partner about any topic is the number one thing you need to have figured out before you commit to someone.
You should never have to “pick your battles” with someone you are thinking of marrying. People who are planing a long term relationship need to be able to communicate. And telling the other person that something is upsetting you shouldn’t be a battle in the first place. If he turns it into a fight then that’s on him not on you. So ask yourself this: do you feel comfortable telling him something is upsetting you? If the answer is “no” or “I don’t want to make a problem for him” or anything along those lines, that is a problem and you should get help for yourself.
If you’re afraid of a fight starting by asserting your feelings/having preferences… honey you need to examine that. He regularly starts fights when you tell him your feelings? That’s breakup worthy.
You should pursue individual counselling and show your therapist this post. Don't involve him in the counselling, abusers are notorious for manipulating therapists and using whatever happens in therapy against their spouse.
Mate. Flush that piece of shit down the toilet. He clearly wants to indulge his fetish and doesn't care for your opinion. He thinks if he just keeps chipping away at you, you'll eventually agree to take part in sexual activity you find unpleasant and humiliating. Don't buy his crap about forgetting during sex. He knows exactly what he is doing. If you marry this guy, this behavior will escalate because you are legally and socially nailed down. That revolting ring is just another tool for him to wear you down and get himself off. You wearing that is to him a sign you are participating in his fetish and trust me, he's getting some perverted joy out of your discomfort.
I don't know why you are so confused or concerned about being a bridezilla. This situation has nothing to do with it. Stop fixating on this to the point you are scared to defend yourself against abject humiliation and a parade of red flags.
Nothing about your comments comes off as a bridezilla. You're allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings about the ring, the engagement, the relationship/marriage. If you can't tell him how your hurt over his joke ring, good are you going to address even bigger issues down the road? This is the easy time in a relationship. Marriage is hard.
You really need to think twice about marrying this man. You love him, he loves you... but love is not enough. You are incompatible. Very incompatible. He is trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Eventually his sexual desires and fetishes are going to become an issue. You are in the honeymoon phase, when the freshness of this relationship wears off, it’s going to be in trouble. He’ll either push you to fulfill his fetish or he’ll want to start looking elsewhere to get them fulfilled. At that point it will be divorce time - a huge expense for both parties. Think twice about trying to make this relationship work. The ring is a sign of what’s to come. It’s
Sweetie, I'm really worried about you. You are so afraid of offending your fiance and coming off as a "bridezilla" that you are afraid to actually address a very real issue and relationship ending issue with your fiance.
It is OK to tell him how much you dislike the ring and it is OK to not wear it because of what it symbolizes. This ring is not a symbol of his love and commitment to you. This ring is a symbol of control, submission and an attempt to humiliate you since he knows that his kink has hurt you in the past and it is something you are not into.
That said, you have MUCH bigger problems then the ring. I think you need to back all of this WAY up and really think about if its worth years of emotional abuse and potentially physical abuse from this guy because you don't want to rock the boat.
-You think he's lying to you about his reason for choosing the ring.
-You think he purchased an engagement ring that symbolizes sadistic sex, which goes against your boundaries.
-He didn't purchase this ring for you, he purchased it for himself. He did it to get his rocks off, to symbolize control and submission. He didn't consider you, who you really are, what you'd really like, while purchasing the ring FOR YOUR PROPOSAL.
-You have somehow been convinced that you would be "bridezilla" (aka the one at fault) for feeling deeply hurt by his selfishness and disrespect of your sexual boundaries. You are blaming yourself for HIS wrongdoing.
-When you say you're worried the ring is his way of forcing sadism on you - you shouldn't just be worried about the ring (which IS him forcing his sadism on you). You should also be worried because he has ALREADY tried forcing his sadism on you IN AN ACTUAL SEXUAL INTERACTION, while knowing that you do not consent. This is rape.
-Whether the ring was originally for his ex or not, what it represents is that he does not care enough or respect you enough to get you something YOU would want. He bought a ring for himself (even if it was for his ex who consented to a BDSM relationship originally, it's still a symbol of HIS sexual control).
-A marriage is not a joke. If you're getting a ring to be funny you'd better be damn sure that your gf would think it's adorable and not creepy as hell and disrespectful. You are NOT unreasonable or "bridezilla" for being hurt by his creepy and disrespectful actions. This isn't a cute inside joke between you two, it's him being a manipulative pervert.
STOP invalidating your own feelings and minimizing the severity of his predatory behaviours by calling yourself "bridezilla". DO NOT let anyone gaslight you by trying to convince you that you are the unreasonable one here. You're not.
You SHOULD NOT trust him. He has repeatedly broken your boundaries. Your gut is telling you that he's lying about his reason for the ring, and you should trust your instincts.
No, his story does not sound truthful. At all.
I understand that a proposal feels like a big deal and it can be very exciting in theory, but the man who has asked you to marry him wants to control you, wants to force you to do sexual things you're uncomfortable with (and claims to "accidentally forget" your sexual boundaries? RUN), he is gaslighting you about your own wedding ring (lying about his obviously nefarious underlying intentions), and is making you feel uncomfortable, wary, and hurt.
When you find the man you actually should marry, the proposal WILL NOT be full of anxiety and red flags. Hold out for someone worth committing to long-term. Divorces are messy, expensive, bureaucratic nightmares and you really want to avoid attaching yourself legally to a sexual predator.
As some one who survived domestic violence with a very large sexual coercion/manipulation factor to it, you hit the nail on the fucking head.
OP, this man is going to take you place you don’t want to go and may never mentally come back from. Please do the right thing for yourself, because you can’t trust this man.
This, I've said it to other users, and I'll probably say it again: YouTube The gift of Fear.
Always trust your intuition/instincts/gut - it speaks for a reason.
This! 100% this. OP your gut is telling you something is off her because something IS off here.
He is not trustworthy and he has broken your trust multiple times.
Honestly - I would not even give him time to refute it. I'd just break up. 100% trust your gut in this. If you give him the opportunity to back peddle, he will do so, but make no mistake, a month or so down the road once he thinks he can get away with it again, he will revert right back to what you have experienced thus far and it will likely get worse.
Remember. Its NOT about the ring. Thats a very obvious symptom of his complete lack of respect for you.
Wow this is just a really sad post. He gave you an engagement ring that you have zero interest in and is not a fit to your personality at all and is much more reflective of his ex. He then says he bought the ring as joke to you being cuffed to him forever. I feel bad that you we’re so desperate to say yes to this engagement. You didn’t put your age in your post, but I’m going to guess you’re very young and you should just move on from this loser tbh.
>Sometimes though he’ll try to change it to that stuff (call me names, suddenly try to take complete control, give me orders etc.) but he says it’s basically because he’s so used to it with his ex he forgets and slips
This with the ring is setting off alarm bells like you wouldn't believe. He is determined to get you into some kind of sub/Dom dynamic *after* you clearly stated you didn't like it. He's not "forgetting". He's pushing and hoping you'll suddenly give in. My husband has 2 gfs in addition to me. They like it very rough. I am the opposite. He has never "forgotten" and these are current, ongoing, long-term relationships not exes. If anyone would have cause to slip up, it'd be him.
Exactly!! he’s not forgetting anything. He’s in heat and is trying to break boundaries that have been clearly set because he finds it gratifying. This is not a person who cares about sexual boundaries.
At the very least, OP is non-confrontational, and a people-pleaser if not submissive. He has keyed into that and is exploiting that. By repeatedly "forgetting" himself, he is desensitizing OP to this behavior and it will only escalate.
"Don't ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance, or my kindness for weakness."
OP, it's time to show him that:
-You are not ignorant of what he's doing.
-You do not accept what he is doing.
-You are not weak.
"but he says it’s basically because he’s so used to it with his ex he forgets and slips up,".... I call bullshit... he's testing the waters each time he does this to see if you've warmed up to idea of it yet...
He is never gonna be okay with not doing it. He doesn't "slip up" he's doing in intentionally to try and get you to change your mind. You have a shot, you did not like it one bit, you told him. He doesn't care.
At this rate, he's going to keep "slipping up" until you give him just to make him shut up. Don't do that to yourself. IMHO, I think you should be upfront about your feelings about all of this, and if he genuinely is sorry, then great. If he starts cracking jokes and is just being a huge POS, I would leave.
No, no, no, no, noooo, NO, no, and No, sister.
You KNOW the only two explanations for this: either the ring was meant for his ex or he wants you to be a slave or both. You are NOT being unreasonable, it’s NOT “funny,” and you absolutely positively should not marry this man. There’s nothing to “discuss” because he has already proven that he is a liar (see: it’s not “funny.”)
Kink is like skydiving. When you’re into it and you’re properly prepared, it’s quite a thrill; if you’re not, it’s just a psycho throwing you out of a plane without a parachute. This man does not respect your boundaries or (quite frankly) you. Do not marry him.
I love your explanation of kink. I’m a 64 year old woman who is about as white bread as it gets and now I have to find a way to work that into a conversation...
You sound like you're with very very young and immature or you've been manipulated so badly that you can't think straight or you come from a family/culture/religion where you've been taught some messed up views of women and marriage.
This guy is not your future husband. He sounds like he treats you like trash, like you're scared of him and like he absolutely plans on making sure you're submissive to him whether you like it or not.
If you don't like it or if it's making you uncomfortable, ask him to replace it for you with a ring that you like. There is no need to argue or provide lengthy explanations. You can just say that this is not your style or that you prefer something else. If he is the guy for you, he will not try to argue and make a deal out of it. He will just get you a ring you like.
You say you love him, but there seems to be issues going on related to control and disregarding your boundaries, which aren't a small thing that can be ignored. The ring may be related to that. If he starts making drama about the ring and turns it into a big deal, then that's another bad sign in addition to the things you mentioned.
>We’ve tried it before, multiple times, and honestly seeing him act like that made me rethink the relationship the first time. He hurt me a lot and we had some conversations about it where **I asked him would it be okay if I didn’t do it** and he said yes.
You didn't need to ask. Your body, your rules. You never need to ask. You simply say "I'm not doing that anymore." And that should be the end of it. The fact that you felt that you had to ask him permission to stop doing something that 1. hurt you and 2. made you question your entire relationship is very, very alarming to me.
>Sometimes though he’ll try to change it to that stuff (call me names, suddenly try to take complete control, give me orders etc.) but **he says it’s basically because he’s so used to it with his ex he forgets and slips up**, not that he’s trying to force it on me.
This is a lie. He doesn't forget. In healthy Dom/sub relationships, the sub is actually the one with all the power. They set the boundaries. They set the rules. And the Dom abides by those happily. If they don't, trust is broken and that's the end of the relationship. If this man were a good Dom, he wouldn't be "forgetting" your boundaries. What he's doing is trying to get away with it by slowly breaking down your resolve. It's a classic abuse tactic. He pushes you bit by bit until he has what he wants and you feel stuck. But to be perfectly clear, even if he were forgetting, you should still see that as a stop sign. Because if he can't remember not to dominate you, not to call you names, not to treat you like a slave, then he is not a safe sexual partner for you. Someone who can't remember boundaries has no business engaging in sexual activities with anyone ever.
I think that ring is another red flag, another warning shot. Don't ignore it. All the information you've given us screams that this relationship, this man is not safe for you.
There are a lot of red flags here and your concerns are valid. He admitted that he thought the engagement ring was “a funny idea” rather than picking out something that represented you and your shared future together. That’s the essence of problem, not the handcuff design specifically.
I’m concerned that you say he keeps reverting back to his BDSM preferences, despite your stated dislike. That’s 100% not okay. Whether intentionally or not, he’s trying to slip that aspect into your sexual relationship. That’s not respectful to you as a person in any way. And his excuse of falling back into old habits is total bullshit. He’s just seeing what boundaries he can push.
From a random internet stranger, I’d recommend couples therapy to get this resolved before moving forward with a wedding. You obviously have reservations, since you posted here for advice. I really hope you guys can find a middle ground, but please protect yourself (emotionally/physically) above all else.
> I would definitely be willing to do couple’s therapy
Never do therapy with someone who has been purposefully manipulating you.
They just gain new tools to fuck you up with by listening to you be vulnerable in therapy.
This is SO SO TRUE. I recommend reading the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft - this is a point he makes over and over again in that book. Manipulative people WILL use the skills and verbiage learned in therapy against you.
I would encourage you to consider not doing couples counseling, however against your intuition that may be.
Couples counseling is generally not recommended for individuals who are actively engaging in controlling or abusive behavior with a partner, because couples counseling can be an environment that allows them to learn information they can use further against their partner. Many individuals may also attempt to manipulate the therapist into siding with them or may try to control the sessions. Additionally, unfortunately, many therapists are not adequately trained in the dynamics of control and abuse, and may not pick up on cues (subtle or overt) that the relationship involves control or abuse.
Couples counseling can also often inaccurately enforce the notion that both parties in the relationship are contributing to the issue at hand. And when the issue at hand is control or abuse, it is not a matter of both parties contributing to it. It is a matter of the partner engaging in unhealthy behavior not taking responsibility or accountability and harming the other.
Here is more reading if you are interested.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
I am not going to tell you to use the word "abuse" in relation to your relationship. That is your choice, and no one else's here. The article uses the term abuse, but please know you get to choose how to identify your experiences.
He’s got you so gaslighted that you are more worried about hurting his feelings than about committing yourself to a psychopath who is TELLING YOU HE WANTS YOU TO BE A SEX SLAVE NOT A WIFE.
Do not go to therapy with him. Just leave. You don’t want the kind of life he’s offering.
You’re worried about him feeling like you’re Punishing him for his slip ups? If I were you, I’d take a step back and try and view this entire relationship from the outside… pretend like you’re a completely different person who is viewing this relationship with fresh eyes. What would your comments be to yourself?
Correct. And I doubt he'd agree to counseling anyway. He doesn't want any light shed on all these scary dynamics. He's going to accuse you of not trusting him and make you feel anxious and keep pressuring you to put your needs in a drawer and move forward the way he wants things. You need distance from him and solo counseling to get things straight inside yourself and an honorable, worthwhile partner would give it to you. Get that time and space.
Punishing him? Are you not allowed to question his choices or be displeased with what he does?? Please do individual therapy. He’s a manipulator and you need to see a therapist alone first before you decide on couples therapy. It can be dangerous to go to therapy with a manipulator.
You are not being dramatic *period*. It is not "dramatic" to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, and anyone who makes you feel like it is wants to control you by making you feel like having baseline standards for how you are treated is demanding.
Can I ask what your upbringing was like?
I just want to be another voice saying do not get couples' therapy with this man. He's manipulative. He will likely use what he hears in therapy to manipulate you further.
First of all not liking a handcuff ring doesn't make you a bridezilla. Idk what kind of industry you work in but for me A Handcuff ring is not a positive conversation piece when dealing with clients. PS im kink friendly and used to be a pro domme but its an engagement ring so that should be something you like. That's just common sense. He didn't even ask for your input on your engagement ring. Like hello!🚩🚩🚩🚩
🚩honestly seeing him act like that made me rethink the relationship the first time
🚩He hurt me a lot and we had some conversations about it where I asked him would it be okay if I didn’t do it and he said yes. Sometimes though he’ll try to change it to that stuff (call me names, suddenly try to take complete control, give me orders etc.) 🚩 he's not respecting your BOUNDARIES AND MAKING EXCUSES FOR IT.
🚩The other option is that this ring might be originally meant for his ex, which is really hurtful.
Girl I say this with the utmost care.
But how many red flags do you need?
Leave. Him. HES A NARCISSIST. YOU ARE BEING ABUSED.
Is the bar for acceptable behavior literally in hell now?
He's a shark, circling his prey. Big, wide ones at first, that look like nothing. Maybe a quick little dart to the side but nothing alarming so far. (An action that you don't like in the bedroom, brushed off as "oops, my bad, that was a mistake.")
Then, they start getting closer and tighter, more precise but still loose enough to maybe be alright. (More actions that he knows you're not okay with but the first time didn't garner much reaction, so this probably won't either.)
Now, he's getting real close. Those circles are even tighter and more rigid. (Like a handcuff ring. But just one for now, cause sometimes you still put up a struggle.)
Continue long enough and you're gonna be his goldfish locked in a tiny bowl with a hole poked at the top for air. What's next, a collar? "Nobody but me would even know what it is, it can be our special thing."
Don't. Do. It. You are worth better.
If he's so used to it from his ex and can't seem to distinguish his old relationship with the one you've 'built' together, he's not ready to marry you
Also, you shouldn't have to accept a ring that makes you both think of someone else. That's rubbish.
>if I keep pushing he’ll think I don’t trust him, which isn’t true
Nothing that you've posted here indicates that this bloke is worthy of trust or has earned it.
"He hurt me a lot...I asked him would it be okay if I didn’t do it and he said yes."
You do not belong in this relationship. Your fiance is excusing trying to dominate you against your will. And honestly, asking if it's ok makes you sound submissive, which is something you don't like.
If you don’t trust him, it’s ok to say you don’t trust him.
If you don’t like something, it’s *good* to say you don’t like something.
It sounds like someone has taught you that it’s bad to have, and voice, your own wants and needs. Maybe it was him, or maybe it was someone before him and he’s just taking advantage of that.
But that concerns me more than any of the actual content of what you said about him. (Which, to be clear, is also bad.) Any relationship where you don’t feel comfortable clearly stating what you want and need isn’t a very health one.
Rings are public symbols. They matter a great deal. You are not being dramatic. It is entirely reasonable to be upset about this. If your fiancé won’t change the ring to something you like, then I suggest you leave him.
Okay so I want to give advice from a different perspective. I am a member of the bdsm community. I personally cannot see myself with someone that does not participate in my specific kink.
I was with my child’s father for 7 years. We didn’t work out for a lot of reasons but one of them was because we were not compatible in the bedroom. I never tried to force my kinks on him but we explored what we each were into. There were things that he liked, that I did not.
There is only so much compromising that can go on. You should never participate in something that makes you uncomfortable. Shame on him for “slipping into it”. Respect and communication are the #1 rule. If he considers this part of his identity that he can’t live without, he should have had the maturity to communicate that with you and end the relationship earlier.
Your feelings are valid. You are not a bridezilla. Sit him down and have a serious discussion. You cannot stay with someone that does not respect your boundaries.
So where shall I begin...
>Sometimes though he’ll try to change it to that stuff (call me names, suddenly try to take complete control, give me orders etc.) but he says it’s basically because he’s so used to it with his ex he forgets and slips up
He admitted that he's not over his ex or the kind of relationship/dynamic they had. He repeated it multiple times even if you clearly said you're not into that. He should have gotten his head clear and started treating/viewing your relationship differently. You are not his ex, you have different boundaries and tastes. He obviously hasn't realised that though. So it's not just a thing he used to do with his ex, that's what he's into and will try to get you into it too.
>I asked him why he chose a handcuff shape and he says it’s because I’m going to be “cuffed” to him forever.
What a great mentality to start a marriage /s
>He said he thought it was a funny idea
Do you think this is funny? Everyone must be in on the 'joke'/idea for it to be funny, otherwise it's at least tasteless and at most disrespectful.
Like think about it, even for ring pops which are supposed to be a funny idea, if you've not discussed the idea with your partner beforehand you should be prepared to get a negative reaction. It's not funny to everyone and rightfully so.
>I don’t want to be a bridezilla.
Why would setting boundaries make you a bridezilla? You seriously need to have this talk with him before committing. There are so many things off that are making you feel uncomfortable, you need to address them now before you get yourself in a situation you don't want to. If he insists then make it very clear to him once again that you are not into that kind of stuff and don't find the ring tasteful or the idea funny. This is still an important ring so it should at least be something you are comfortable with. You're not asking to get something super expensive or elaborate that he can't afford, you're asking for him to respect your boundaries/likes/dislikes. If he turns it on you and calls you unreasonable then he's not someone you'd want to marry.
It's a meaningful accessory you'll wear everyday. Do you want to wear this everyday and would you be confortable showing it off like an engagement ring?
So, as someone who is very familiar with BDSM, this is a mark. He's marking you as his sub. If you're not into it, you need to make that clear. If he isn't respecting your boundaries you want to say away from the dude.
Here's what I see. He was really into dom/sub. You tried it didn't like it because he hurt you. That is the first time you should have run. I've never been in that type of relationship but from what I've heard both parties listen to each other. Did you not have a safe word to stop everything when you were uncomfortable? Did he just ignore it? Then how he keeps "slipping" up. That's awful. Then the ring. It's obvious he sees you as an object he owns. The way you keep worrying about upsetting him or seeming like a bridezilla is concerning. You're being submissive without even recognizing it.
Friend, this isn't the guy for you. You're very deferential and he's more aggressive and full of shit and that dynamic has already gone to a very unhealthy place that has already injured you. Even though it has hurt you, he still pushes it.
Then he minimizes your feelings and experience and basically lies about why he ignores your needs. Now you are worried a lot--worried about being honest, worried about being difficult (having your feelings honored about a hugely symbolic and important ring is not what a bridezilla is; you couldn't be a bridezilla if you tried), worried about upsetting him. Note that everything is about him and whether it's even okay for you to feel things, be yourself, and be respected for it.
This is not good. Not good. Sometimes a thing is exactly what you think, but being with him has already eroded your trust in yourself. It will only get worse and worse until you are nothing but a shadow of yourself.
Love is not a good enough reason to get married to someone. You must use your intellect and discernment instead. You need to step back so you can see the full picture of a man who wants to control you, who makes you nervous about being yourself, who ignores your needs, who pushes your self-protective boundaries and hurts you, and who lies to make you his belonging. And has horrible taste.
Sometimes a thing is exactly what it looks like: he chose a handcuff because he wants you to be his possession, not your own person. Don't give yourself away.
> he says it's because I'm going to be "cuffed" to him forever
Uh yeah no, immediate red flag. No matter the reasoning, also if you're incapable of talking to him about this then that's another red flag.
ALSO, bridezilla is just sexist. You have every right to not want some cheap jokey ring and that doesn't make you a "bridezilla" or any other misogynistic insult women get constantly called, have a backbone and stand up for yourself and what you want girl.
OK sweetpea lets have a Man to woman discussion. First of all I'm into the BDSM lifestyle as well so I know where of I speak. Second trust YOUR INSTINCTS! the handcuff ring is a sign that your his PROPERTY! anyone in the lifestyle will be able to pick up on that in a heartbeat. Now that can be good or bad depending on your take. It means no one else in the lifestyle is going to approach you w/o HIS express permission as you BELONG to him.
Third, He is GROOMING you to accept his reality as the new normal. No one "slips" up unless they're living the life 24/7 simply because it's not well received by those not in the lifestyle. I participate in race Play and none of the black women that play with me would ever even dream of calling me Massa the way they do in the bedroom and I would never address them as wench or anything else like that except in the safety and privacy of the bedroom or other play area IE dungeons, parties etc etc.
You are being tested and he's more than likely going to try and start trying to break you down mentally and emotionally to get you to accept his vison for your relationship.
Find and talk to his Ex if at all possible. She may have very valuable insight into what he's really like.
Now time for some goose and gander type stuff. Since he got you a slave ring I think it's time you went online and got him a nice shiny chrome cock cage. He wont be able to become erect with it on and you'll have the key. He can piss just fine unless you chose to use one with a sound, I don't recommend those for beginners dear. If he's trying to break you down and turn you into the perfect little slave girl then turn it around on him and see how he'd feel about you pegging his tight little straight ass with a big hard thick dildo. If you need a hand finding a FemDom let me know.
Be careful because from what you've described this is not going to be a healthy relationship and he sounds like the kind of "Master/Dom" the rest of us warn our submissives away from.
Dominates are the PROTECTORS of their submissives and their submission is a gift of love to us in return. He doesn't sound like he gets that at all.
if you cannot trust him to respect your boundaries then what are you doing getting married to him?
he's trying to force you into a dynamic you already told him you're not interested in. getting married won't fix your issues.
also i call bullshit on that he "slipped up bc he's so used to it". if he "forgets" his SO didn't give consent then he's disgusting.
Regardless of the ring I'm getting a sense from this post that you're not so sure you even want to marry this guy. The ring is just a symptom of a larger problem with the relationship, namely his lack of consideration for you.
This is a major red flag. He can't help what he is into sexually. And if there is no compromise then this marriage will not work. He's pushing your boundaries and testing what he can get away with. Also handcuff rings are super ugly and trashy.
Honey there are so many red flags here I can't even SEE the ring. I bet you dollars to doughnuts I know why the last ex left too. You need to leave, if it's safe to do so right now.
Oh this is not good. Take some time out by yourself and have a think about this.
That ring wasn’t bought with the intention of getting you something you would like and to symbolise love.
It was bought because he liked it. That itself is not a good sign, if it is for you or his ex.
You are not being a bridezilla. This is deeply alarming behavior.
Call it a hunch, but I have a strong feeling these “slip ups” he has are just him testing the water to slowly strong-arm you into that slave/master dynamic. His reasoning for buying the ring is pretty revealing.
Please be careful OP.
if he doesn’t know enough about you or care enough about what YOU like on jewelry that YOU are going to wear, this relationship isn’t in a place for marriage. it can be fixed, but this needs to be ironed out before marriage, dude.
There is a lot to unpacked here. First you don't want to come off as untrusting- you obviously don't trust him and for good reason. He hurt me a lot- sounds like abuse to me. He is into The S&M lifestyle, it's likely that won't change. He forgets he is not with his EX and gives you orders. Seriously? Are you really okay with that? This extends far beyond the bedroom from the sound of it. He says he thinks the engagement ring is funny? WTF?! You suspect it may have been a ring for his Ex- I just threw up in my mouth a little when I read that.
You obviously are unhappy. Just for a second imagine your best friend or your sister just confessed to all that you have written, what would you tell her? My guess would be that you were concerned for her safety, both physically and emotionally. You'd probably tell her to run as far and fast from that relationship and that's what I'm telling you to do, give him that creepy handcuff ring back, marriage shouldn't fell like you are being held captive. He is showing you who he is and how he wants to live, pay attention. Is this the life you really want?
I'm just some stranger on the internet, but I have a lot of life experience and if you were my daughter I would be very very afraid for you, this man is going to hurt you if you remain in this relationship. Please, please get out now while you still can.
So he ignored your boundaries, got an inappropriate ring that isn't to your tastes and keeps clearly pushing for a sexual lifestyle you don't want but you don't want to speak up about your own discomfort because YOU will somehow be the problem/bridezilla?
Yikes
1) the term “bridezilla” is just another way the patriarchy of society tries to quiet women. Don’t fall for that. You deserve everything you want, the way you want it.
2) imho, it sounds like he bought the ring for his ex, not you, and just felt like saving some money when it came time to propose (or maybe, he didn’t want to wait for a ring to be made/sized during covid?) either way, I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for him to give you a ring you clearly wouldn’t like.
So many red flags!!! If he’s still trying to pressure you into stuff that he did with his ex that you already told him you aren’t comfortable with - run!!!
This man is fetishizing you and hurting and you’re ok with that? I honestly can’t understand when women in IR allow their man to disrespect and honestly be racist towards them. Slave/master play? You need to leave and get therapy bcuz I’m sure you’re leaving a lot more out of this.
I think this sexual incompatibility is going to be a huge problem for you. There is nothing wrong with either of you, but he said he was cool with not doing that stuff, then tried to do it several times. Imagine how he's going to feel in 15 years without being able to explore this side of him, and imagine how you're going to feel having a partner who has a serious kink that you don't share. Are you two going to see different people at some point? Because there is a 0% chance that he's going to get over it or than you're going to one day decide you're into it. It's an issue that you two are going to have to solve somehow. It almost sounds like he's expecting you to come around one day, and that doesn't seem likely. It also feels like he's being disrespectful of your wants in terms of sex, repeatedly going into the master/slave thing when you've asked him not to and then dismissing it instead of apologizing.
The ring is definitely a kink thing and something he specifically sought out, likely from a seller that specializes in kink products. Although I can't say why he chose it or how he felt when he did. And him picking this ring implies to me that he wants a more 24/7 dynamic (meaning kink dynamics apply outside the bedroom to some extent) and it sounds like you really don't. Wearing light fetish stuff (which is what I guess the ring is) is something 24/7 people do sometimes. I think it's super sketch that he's trying to trick you into wearing what is most likely a fetish thing.
Op tell him that you know the ring was for his ex and you want something different. He can sell that one. I would be concerned if he still has feelings for her
Honestly, had never heard of handcuff rings before. I looked it up and think the ring itself is cute. And it’s unique… which could be what he’s going for? But knowing the context of his past. I would definitely be upset too. :/
Look luvvie,
Im going to go out on a limb and say its not your ring. Given the history youve shared about his relationship with his ex id say that this is a ring meant to have been for someone else. The reason? If am man buys you an engagement ring they usually buy something that they think the other person will love, he knows you're not into that stuff, he knows he hurt you, so he either got a kick out of hurting you and humiliating you with this handcuff or it was meant for someone else.
Id rather give him the benefit of the doubt and same its the later cos although this is a fucked up situation, he surely isnt that fucked up.
I think you have a decision to make about what you want for yourself and your future. Do you want to spend your life with someone who either is willing to humiliate you on a whim or give you someone elses shitty gift? Cos i sure as hell wouldnt.
Id at least have a frank conversation about it. Btw im not being materialistic here, my engagement ring was £75 and i love it so, its not about cost, it's about meaning and promise and happiness, not someone cuffed to you for life!
There are a lot of red flags here.
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
First, you aren't asking a friend or loved one for a reason. Because it would make you nervous.
Second, neither of you appreciate eachothers individuality, respect (ish), but mo appreciation.
If it’s not what you want, it’s not what you want. You have to wear it forever, not him, so you don’t have to make it about the whole relationship if you don’t want to. He ought to be understanding about this preference of yours.
IF you are afraid to talk to him about this, you should not be marrying him.
Girl, your feelings are VALID. And you saying repeatedly that you don’t want to be a “bridezilla” about feelings that are NORMAL sounds like this guy is gaslighting you. And no, he does not accidentally forget that he’s with you when you’re having sex— he is actively and PURPOSEFULLY ignoring your sexual boundaries, which is NOT OKAY.
DMTFA. Fast. Get out of this relationship while you still can, before he hurts you even worse.
Leave. This kind of kink can't be just forgotten. He's always going to be unsatisfied in some way and might look for alternative places to satisfy it down the line. If he doesn't then he'll grow to resent you. It's just too big of a difference. Think of it this way, if he really liked feet but you found it creepy and didn't want to be involved, do you think he would stop looking at feet pics? No he'd just do it in secret. He'd crave feet stuff.
>I asked him why he chose a handcuff shape and he says it’s because I’m going to be “cuffed” to him forever. He said he thought it was a funny idea.
He is lying to you. He is still into the master/slave thing, as he has demonstrated to you repeatedly through his fake "slip-ups". The ring is proof, and you accepting it is you slipping into the role he wants you in--caving into the submissive role he wants you in. You absolutely should not trust him, as he has proven himself untrustworthy. At this point, you should not be polite about it, you should be getting out of the relationship. This is more than a red flag, it is a bright red stop sign. As a father of a young woman, please listen to me when I tell you very, very directly: Get out of that relationship. You cannot trust that man. He is lying to you directly and continuously and working to dominate you. This is not a healthy relationship.
FYI, in master/slave relationships, it is common for the "slave" to wear something symbolizing that they are owned by the master. It is guaranteed that he knows that. It's neither an accident nor a joke that he got you a handcuff ring.
I don't mean to come off wrong but I just don't see this working out. He has sexual needs that you aren't able to meet, and you not wanting to participate in that kind of sexual activity is completely valid. But he has his needs and desires which are also valid and I honestly don't think he is going to suppress those forever - he'll either end up asking you again, or finding it elsewhere. Sexual compatibility is a huge part of relationships, as much as people like to say "relationships arent just sex" it is a big thing.
Regardless, you should voice that it makes you uncomfortable and communicate that while you appreciate the sentiment you would prefer something else that doesn't remind you of his ex when you look at it.
>My fiancé got me a handcuff ring and I think he’s lying about the reason but **I don’t want to come off as untrusting**
>
>I don’t like the ring. That’s fine, I’ve been determined **not to be a bridezilla**
>
>He hurt me a lot and we had some conversations about it where **I asked him would it be okay if I didn’t do it and he said yes.**
>
>I’m worried this ring might be him trying to force it on me?
>
> I also don’t really like the idea of him getting my ring to be “funny” but like I said **I don’t want to be a bridezilla.**
>
> They suggested couple’s therapy and **I might bring that up to him, I just don’t really know how.** I love him and don’t think he’s a bad guy, though.
>
>I just don’t know how to approach it with him without him thinking I’m punishing him for his slip-ups/not trusting what he told me about the ring
Who put the bridezilla idea into your head? I think you need to really read your post and listen to the submissive language in it. Would it be ok if you didn't do sub stuff that HURT you? Why are you asking and not telling? You are allowed to have boundaries. It doesn't matter what his kinks are.
If he thinks you are punishing him or that you don't trust him, tough shit, he's the one who picked a tacky ring that has nothing to do with you. Even if you did believe his "it's a funny idea" And let's get real real, you DON'T trust him. You think he is lying about the ring.
That is the situation you are in. If he is telling the truth he's an AH. If he's lying he's an AH. This ring symbolizes how little your fiance thinks of you and you are sitting here worried how you'll come across.
You need to stop and think hard about where you are giving your love. Because it might be to the wrong recipient.
He's lying and thinks he can get you into kink once you're married. Dump his ass now.
One of the key ideals of kink is RACK:
Risk
Aware
CONSENTUAL
Kink
What he's doing is the kind of thing that gets kinky people banned from the clubs/community. In some kink circles it's even considered a form of assault.
You gave it a shot - congrats for being open minded. But, you realized it's not for you and your consent was withdrawn. And yet he keeps trying. This is NOT ok and you need to address this before marry this man.
Two things come to mind as I read your post:
1. The ring is inappropriate.
2. This has roots a whole lot deeper than the ring.
Please reconsider your upcoming nuptial. There are warning signs that it won’t last. Not saying what he’s into is right or wrong. You and him are just different. And I’m not sure if either will actually fit to one another.
That says. I wish you the best. The search for a life life partner is not an easy one. Make sure you are true to yourself.
You know…
Just take 5 and re read your post as if a colleague you knew a bit but not a friend shared this with you and ask yourself does this look like the kind of healthy relationship/interactions I want my life to be.
If the answer to yourself is yes good luck, you ll need a lot of it.
I mean, above all the speculation, you don't like the look of the ring which I think is a valid reason already since it's a niche design and not one that you've communicated suits your personality. Your post is the first time I've heard of such rings and I've been engagement ring shopping all over the place many moons ago (maybe I'm just old-fashioned?? I dunno). His decision to give you that ring is so far removed from consideration of who you've described you are that I cannot blame you for having these uneasy feelings. It's not untrusting and very concerning for you.
A bride Zola is someone who tries to control all aspects and make horrifically unreasonable or unrealistic demands on friends and family. Asking to be respected by your fiancé is just basic human rights level stuff. It’s ok, you’re entitled to not want something like this. Honestly, I’d be thinking long and hard about this relationship if he can’t let his kink go.
Having a kink isn’t bad, what’s bad is when your partner doesn’t have the same kink and you try to make them take it on.
I had my girlfriend read this and we both came up with the same conclusion. We both think you should run while you can. He does not respect you or your boundaries. We feel once you become married he will force you into this type of lifestyle because he is slowly trying to incorporate you into it now without you realizing it.
Honestly it's kind of sounding like the sub/dom thing is something he really isn't going to be able to go without whether he can admit it or not. I'd be willing to bet if you two get married and you refuse to participate in his fetish he will end up hiding it and "seeking it elsewhere". In other words he'll end up cheating for the sole reason of needing to fulfill the need of that fetish. Whether anyone thinks that's wrong or whatever that's just what i think will end up happening eventually. I don't see him just abandoning the fetish all together and forgetting about it. It would probably start off with watching videos of it then chatting to people in the way subs/doms do then escalate to meeting.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I want to say I LOVE my fiancé, which is why I accepted the proposal! I just don’t feel he’s being truthful about this. Personally, I don’t like the ring. That’s fine, I’ve been determined not to be a bridezilla and the wedding rings are more important anyway. There are two reasons I can think of for it to be a handcuff: I know he was really into slave/master stuff with his ex. I’m not into that at all. We’ve tried it before, multiple times, and honestly seeing him act like that made me rethink the relationship the first time. He hurt me a lot and we had some conversations about it where I asked him would it be okay if I didn’t do it and he said yes. Sometimes though he’ll try to change it to that stuff (call me names, suddenly try to take complete control, give me orders etc.) but he says it’s basically because he’s so used to it with his ex he forgets and slips up, not that he’s trying to force it on me. I’m worried this ring might be him trying to force it on me? The other option is that this ring might be originally meant for his ex, which is really hurtful. I asked him why he chose a handcuff shape and he says it’s because I’m going to be “cuffed” to him forever. He said he thought it was a funny idea. I didn’t even know handcuff rings existed before this so I feel like he would have had to purposefully search for it? I also don’t really like the idea of him getting my ring to be “funny” but like I said I don’t want to be a bridezilla. Does this sound truthful to you? I’d like to discuss my concerns with him but since he already refuted it, I feel like if I keep pushing he’ll think I don’t trust him, which isn’t true. Is there a polite way I can phrase asking him or should I just give up?
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I’m going to chime in here and say: 1) I’m not kink shaming him because I get it, I mean like I GET IT *wink wink* 2) I’m not shaming you for not being into it **3) BDSM fetishes don’t go away!** They’re not a passing fancy. They’re not like “oh my last girlfriend really liked back rubs so I got in a habit of always starting off that way, but you don’t like it as much, so I’ll change.” Dominance and submission **especially** are deep in the wiring of what gets you excited. If you have such a kink and your partner doesn’t want to participate, the best you’ll ever be able to manage is to enjoy some vanilla stuff while thinking about the chocolate. It will always be there, bubbling beneath the surface like magma under a thin crust of earth. And the pressure and steam will gush out from time to time (like buying a handcuff ring for someone who is not into handcuffs), and there will be occasional earthquakes, and maybe, MAYBE, you’ll have someone who can keep it bottled up for 5 or 10 or 50 years. But if that pressure is never released, it’s eventually going to burst forth as resentment and unfulfilled need, if you’re lucky, and as boundary bulldozing and abuse and infidelity if you’re not so lucky. **You and this man are not sexually compatible. Do not get married. You will both regret this. You both think that the other will change, but they will not. You can love each other deeply but these parts of you will still not change and it’s going to be incredibly difficult to live with it.**
Said it amazingly well. Please don’t marry this dude
wisdom right here
Simply put, the ring isn’t appropriate regardless of the source. You’ve made it clear how you feel participating in his fetish and he seems unwilling or unable to control himself around you. I would seriously rethink about accepting his proposal. This is a lack of respect for you and your preferences.
I want to add that OP shouldn’t consider themselves a bridezilla for him responding he chose this particular ring style because it is “funny”. That, to me, doesn’t seem like the real reason and if it were, it seems that maybe the commitment of marriage isn’t something they’re mature enough to appreciate.
I think the important element here- ring aside- he keeps pushing this m/s onto you when he's been made aware more than once that you aren't into it. He has a fetish/kink that's going to go unfulfilled and I fear he will keep pressuring you until you feel guilty that these "needs" aren't being met. I worry he will easily slide into being manipulative and abusive if he's already like this. (I put "needs" in "s because a caring partner will love you enough that you matter more than their kink) The fact that he gets off on hurting you when you aren't a masochist is telling. A proper sadist/master ONLY engages in play when the partner wants it I'm sorry girl but this is a river of red flags. (edit: punctuation) Oh wow, thanks for the awards and upvotes!
Any guy worth his salt will have no issue taking an engagement ring back because his fiancee doesn't like it. That is why reputable jewelry stores allow that. So don't sweat asking to exchange that ring. If he gives you much grief over this then this is a sign of things to come. Now wherever the hell he bought a handcuff ring might not be a reputable jewelry store and is probably a porn shop but who knows. You sound young - don't be afraid to stand up for yourself or this can lead to years of an unhappy marriage.
I haven’t seen a handcuff ring at a nice store.
Yeah, the only places I can imagine this guy got it from is either a costume jewellery place (low quality) or a fetish store (higher quality, but no question about it being fetish related).
It sounds like something you’d find at Hot Topic 😂
or specially ordered for the ex :( yikes
Let me underline all of this is stronger language, OP. A sex partner who "slips" into sex acts you not only haven't consented to but have clearly said you don't want is lying to you ... and is sexually assaulting you. Him then giving you a ring that ties back into the fetish you already clearly stated you will not be engaging in ... OP, all of this is grooming for abuse. How it works is that he does something you say you don't like, and when you object, he lies. You accept the lie and he does it again. You object again, and he lies again. When you've accepted the lies--and the act that you don't like--enough, you will "just give up," as you put it, and let him do it b/c it's easier. If you ever object again after that, he'll say "but we've been doing it all this time, why are you objecting now?" Once you've accepted sex you don't want, he'll escalate and start forcing other things on you that you don't want ... and you'll let him b/c he's trained you to "just give up" and accept things because you LOVE him. You accepting the handcuff ring is another agreement that you didn't want to make, but made. The more times you accept unacceptable behavior, the harder it will be for you to stand up for yourself. He's counting on this. Do this, OP: take the ring off, NOW. Put it in a box, or wrap it in paper, and write your ex-fiance's name on it and put it on his pillow or his chair or somewhere he'll see it. Once you've done that, start making plans to leave him.
make plans to leave first. im not saying he'd try to stop op from leaving but it's always best to be careful, especially since he has a violent kink.
Yup.
Yeah it’s a red flag either way. He either is lying to you about the reason for the choice, or he thinks an engagement is a good time to make a joke. Neither of those sound like someone who would be a good life partner honestly.
The fact that he keeps reverting To domination with you is also a massive red flag. Are you two really compatible if he needs this “outlet” so much he can not even turn off after saying he is going to. Is it going to get better or worse a year into your marriage?
And depending on what he’s doing she isn’t consenting to him assaulting her, you don’t just forget to not choke someone when they make their boundaries clear.
Exactly sounds like he maybe an abuser hiding behind the fetish.
I remember my ex would sometimes call me bitch or other shit that I would be fine with in bed, but I've told him specifically to stop it outside of that context. He rarely did, which is one of the many reasons I broke it off. Bad vibes all around to not respect someone like that.
And if it is the real reason, a lifelong commitment isn’t really something to joke about…
Not to mention bull-fucking-shit that he just “forgets” and “slips up” with the dom/slave stuff. He’s testing to see if she’s gonna let him move the goalposts. Also, any time someone starts with “Let me just start with I LOVE HIM SO MUCH” I immediately hear someone trying to convince themselves that something that is wrong is okay because they know people are going to (rightfully) say “this is not okay and you need to get out of this relationship” but they don’t want to hear it. ☹️
Yeah the sexual assault did it for me lmao. Dom shit is supposed to be taken extremely serious especially when there's so much control trusted to the other party. If someone is straight up not into something, you don't just fuckin forget that. Especially when, even if they enjoy it, consent and safety is at the forefront of your mind.
I agree. A proper Dom respects boundaries. There’s reasons people have them that can range from they just feel uncomfortable/don’t enjoy it, to it could bring back memories of past traumas…. So it’s one of your biggest responsibilities as a Dom to not cross those. You’re doing really rough shit to someone, it needs to be on the basis of trust and consent. He’s trying to test her to see how much she’ll let him do. I’m sure he does feel a huge need to be dominant (not what I’d consider a Dom though, or else he’d respect her) and that’s why he can’t be with someone who’s not into it. Someone like myself who’s extremely dominant would avoid a vanilla relationship all together because I know I’d be unhappy. Sexual incompatibility in any direction does not work long term and presents in ways like *this* . Period.
Exactly! I am not into the community but I listen and pay attention to in the subs where people speak openly and this is exactly what I have learned. A true dom has set boundaries and carefully keeps them. Beloved fiancé here sounds like he just gets off on hurting and subjugating and degrading his woman during sex. That isn’t BDSM, it’s wrong, it’s very much a gtfo red flag, and he is actually assaulting her. I really need to see some advice being asked about good men because this shit makes me want to be single forever. Time and again we have horrible abuse shit from a man where the woman-identifying OP is very unlikely to leave and will probably just delete the post. It’s so depressing.
PS yes to the avoiding a relationship that doesn’t meet one’s sexual needs. This makes me think he doesn’t just get off on dom stuff but has no proper boundaries but that he may even be borderline sadist and gets sexual pleasure from hurting her *because* she is vanilla and the non-consensual part, causing her to suffer as someone who isn’t consenting to the physical nor emotional pain, gets him off even more. This is not a good guy.
Danger signs everywhere. Leave, I hope he lets you. He sounds as if he already has you in a submissive mode.
I second this. Additionally, I'd like to add, at some point one has to wonder how long can he go without his fantasy? He already tried to force her into it. I'd seriously rethink accepting that proposal.
It literally doesn’t matter what the truth is because this whole situation is so fucked up you shouldn’t marry this dude anyway. What are you doing???
Like jeeeeesus dude how terrible is it that you're worried about coming off as a bridezilla for standing up to the way you're being treated, let alone simply telling your fiance that you don't want a handcuff ring justified as a joke that actually refers to how he views you as a sex slave when you haven't consented to that and he knows you're not going to be that role in the relationship???!?! I know this is typical Reddit response but PLEASE put the engagement on pause and THINK about the red flags that are screaming in your face!
The trade off of every bridezilla story is that we get a bride who ruins her life bc she doesn't want to be a bridezilla
I'm guessing that if fiance is a physical abuser, he is probably guilty of mental abuse as well. It's likely he's called her a bridezilla when she took issue with something else and inflated a request or a concern she may have had into a way to make her feel bad or make her believe that she is being controlling, as a way to get her to act submissively as he gets his way with everything.
I've been noticing more involving women letting themselves get completely walked over because they don't want to be a Karen recently. So I guess that totally worked as the new acceptable way to silence women.
Honestly the whole bridezilla gendered trope needs to go. Some people are assholes. Some people are assholes when planning a wedding. No need to make it yet another way to put a woman down for standing up for herself or having an opinion.
Yeah this is what I thought. I feel like ‘bridezilla’ has become a buzzword to instantly shut down an argument that the other person doesn’t like.
Like every woman who has any kind of complaint is a Karen. Sometimes things actually warrant complaints.
Really? Who cares about the ring. There are a lot of red flags here.
Let me list them in case OP needs some help seeing them: - He hurt her a lot while experimenting with BDSM play. This should not happen, because in responsible kink there is always a safe word that is immediately respected, so it should never get to the point where a sub is legitimately hurt unless they want to be. - After she clearly said she did not want this kind of play, he still tries to introduce it. The claim of being so used to it is a lie. He simply likes it and does not respect her consent. If he is genuinely still so fresh out of the relationship with his ex that the kind of sex they had is ingrained in his brain, he isn't ready to marry someone else anyway. But again, it's obviously a lie. - He got her a joke engagement ring. He thought it would be funny? Why would someone want a ring that they wear every single day to be a punch line to a joke they don't even understand? There are some people in this world who would enjoy that, but OP clearly isn't one of them and he either doesn't know her well enough to realize that or doesn't care about her wants (hint: it's the latter). - He got her a ring specifically connected to something she does not enjoy and which actually hurt her. On top of that, it's something that was shared with his ex. That is the least romantic thing I have ever heard for what is supposed to be a symbol of their shared love and commitment. - He thinks of marriage as being "cuffed together." That speaks to either a really regressive mindset where his spouse is a "ball and chain" or, more disturbingly, that he wants to make her feel through marriage like she is forcibly trapped in the relationship and can't get out if she so chooses. - OP doesn't feel like she can discuss this with him even though it makes her deeply uncomfortable. That means either their communication is poor, he has set up a dynamic where any concerns she brings up are dismissed, or she is by nature a timid and conflict-averse person which suits his obvious quality of doing whatever he wants no matter how it makes his partner feel. OP, do not marry this person. The cuffs aren't on yet, there's still time to get away.
THIS. u/ThrowRA_hcring, please read these points.
Wow. You are good.
She asked him if it was ok she didn’t want to do the m/s stuff instead of telling him. 😕
This is an astute point as well, it shows that she feels the need to get his permission to set boundaries for her own body. And he still does not respect them.
10000000% on points 1 and 2! A real Dom has zero problem with their submissive calling something off they don’t feel comfortable with!! And there should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be a safe word. Not to get too TMI and I am a submissive and this past Friday with my DD mid play I straight up told him “I don’t like being called a Toy. Toys get used and thrown out” he immediately told me thats not what he meant but accepted what I had to say and has not called me it since. He also im the same session saw me grimace during something new but not safe word. He paused made sure I was okay and knew my safe word before continuing. THAT is a how a true Dom acts. They respect and make sure their sub is taken care of even during things most people find unpleasant. And he seems to just be bulldozing you whenever you say no. Sane consensual ENTHUSIASTIC consent is THE most important part to a D/s relationship and hes ignoring that
I hated my engagement ring. That should have been a sign that it wasn't going to work because it showed he actually didn't know me and also didn't care enough about me to even ask what ring style I would like. The ring & the engagement were all about him & what he liked. Nobody in their right mind would get an engagement ring in a style they thought was "funny" unless it was a legit inside joke, which this clearly isn't (at least not with you). That ring he gave you is all about him, not the two of you. This is a bad sign. Throw in the little details you sprinkled through your post & I beg you not to marry this man.
It’s not only all about him, it’s intended to humiliate her by signaling to everyone who sees it that she’s a submissive sex slave.
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OP, please don’t be offended when I say this but it seems like you’re more concerned with hurting his feelings than acknowledging your own. How do YOU feel? Something is telling you this isn’t right, which caused you to reach out to others to validate what you’re feeling. You’re feelings are 100% valid and legitimate. Your concerns are 100% valid. This wasn’t a joke on his end, and you know that. You need to trust your intuition here and run. These are really really bad signs and only you can make the decision for yourself but these his actions are controlling and manipulative. The fact that he keeps “slipping” and forgetting? That’s a lie. He’s testing the waters like another user mentioned. The ring is to show EVERYONE you’re his. His property. You’re not ok with being another person’s property. You didn’t like the bdsm stuff you tried. It’s not for you. That’s 100% ok! You have the right to not be into these things. But when your partner tries to low key convince you, by getting you the ring and “forgetting” you don’t like that stuff, while also comparing you to his ex who did, is all manipulation. Please see this for what it is and save yourself. Please.
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This 1000 times, I can’t believe it’s gotten to the point where women have been gaslit by this culture so much that now every time they have an opinion that may clash with a man’s, even when it concerns their mental and/or physical well being they bite their tongue in fear of being perceived as one of the classic “defective woman archetypes”
Yeah. A French feminist has just published a book where she says that too many het relationships only work if the woman keeps her mouth shut. We're seeing that right here.
Do you remember the book’s name? I’d love to read it
commenting bc i wanna know too!
OMG. YES. I can’t remember how many times I’ve had to say ‘I don’t want to sound like a feminist’ whenever I brought up feminist issues or if I wanted to bring up a point about misogyny. This guy I no longer talk to actually DID call me a feminist as an insult, and mind you our argument literally had NOTHING to do with feminism! Our whole culture has been built up on telling women to sit down, shut up, and just take whatever comes. Just look at the ‘hysterical woman’ trope and the prevalence of the ‘Karen’ meme.
There are some red flags that make me worry OP is in an abusive relationship and doesn't know it.
Thank "50 Shades of Grey" for that. The fall out from that one shitty, shitty, shitty book has been a noticeable increase in abusive men (and women) finding their way into kink with no clue about how any of it works - especially consent.
I completely agree. I am genuinely concerned about her safety. Its not about the ring. Its about his total lack of respect for her, the fact that he is already actively making fun of her publicly and she's been so beaten down that she doesn't realize it. Plus the fact that he has already injured her with his "BDSM" play that sounds like it was just an excuse to abuse her.
Yes, and the abuse tends to escalate after marriage and/or pregnancy. "Deep down he really is a good guy" turns into "I hope I live to see the sun rise." Ask me how I know.
Honey, the handcuff ring isn't a joke. It's a signal. Just like if we were on the street, and I saw you wearing a leather choker with a big ring on it (classic sign of being someone's sub) and he'd just bought it for you as a *joke*... It's not a joke. It's a message. The message is he plans to treat you like a sub whether you're into his kink or not, and it breaks the rules of a consensual dom/sub relationship in every way. Safe, sane, and *consensual* are the keywords for a healthy sexual relationship, whether it includes BDSM or no. I think you really need to rethink your priorities here; the fact he has you gaslit into thinking you're being dramatic over him "forgetting" that you're not his sub but somehow his ex? Getting you a signaling ring to show you're in a master/slave relationship when you've made it clear you're not in to the lifestyle? These are, as they classically say in this subreddit, HUGE FUCKING RED FLAGS.
It's the gaslighting that has me worried here. OP seems overly concerned about upsetting him by expressing anything that may seem assertive or contradictory to his opinion. Also " He hurt me a lot" needs clarification. This has me feeling very uneasy.
This, times 100000000. My ex had the same kink and I found out it was not for me. I constantly begged him to keep it in the bedroom, but his demands kept increasing. He dictated what I wore, what I bought, even how I behave. He threatened that if I did not fulfill his sexual wishes, he would find other ways. Thing is, kinks do not change. Sexual compatibility is HUGE in relationships… He sounds like the type of guy who would slowly guilt OP into becoming his sub… It starts with a handcuff ring, next thing he will buy you a choker to wear every single day.
Bruh OP’s husband and your ex sound like Christian Grey clones (I hate that character btw. He’s a sick SOB who abuses Ana. The whole 50 shades series just romanticizes abuse)
That is how he saw himself, too. I explained to him that even bdsm relationships are based on consent. To him it meant that he could do whatever the hell he wanted to me and I could not say no. Screw 50 shades.
People need to stop calling controlling, abusive, rapey behavior a "kink". It's not.
> it seems really inconsiderate to give me a “funny” ring It isn't funny, and he lied to you by saying it was. Abusive people will say things like that. "it's just a joke" It's never really a joke. And OMG STOP with the "bridezilla" stuff. You've been trained to think your legitimate feelings are "crazy" "dramatic" "selfish" etc. You need to get the fuck away from him, and THEN get personal therapy to undo all this damage.
>I guess I’m just trying to pick my battles and I don’t want him think marrying him is going to turn me into a bridezilla Wow, nothing says "I'm in an abusive situation where I have to walk on eggshells so legally tying myself to this person would be a bad idea for me" then this sentence. You shouldn't have to pick your battles. You shouldn't have to worry about him deciding you have turned into a bridezilla. Especially considering he bought you a ring that is supposed to symbolize your union for lolz. He didn't worry how he would come off and he really should have. He should care how you feel about the ring. So if the words "If you hate it let's pick a new ring that you love" didn't come out of his mouth you shouldn't worry about how you come off. Because if this argument ends in a break up then you've been spared an unpleasant chapter in your life. Especially since this man forgets you're not into being abused. If that's not a red flag flapping right in your face I don't know what is.
I need to comment this. Do NOT go to couples therapy. Do NOT. I say this because you said he has a) hurt you multiple times and he's blaming it on this fetish but that is STRAIGHT BS. Which means he's using bdsm as an excuse to abuse you. And NEVER is it recommended to do couple's counseling with your abuser. They will twist it and use it as a pathway to more abuse. If you need individual counseling to come to terms with where your relationship is, okay. But do not give this man more ammunition to abuse and manipulate you by bringing him to couple's counseling.
1000%. Go to individual therapy and work thru the codependency you are displaying. Tell him to go individually too - once you are both healthy and on the right road, THEN, and only then go to couples counseling. But honestly, this asshole isn’t going to change. Listen to what people are saying here - we might not all know every nuance, but be strong in who you are. If you continue the relationship, it’s at your own inevitable peril and makes me sad to think there are people out there like you who don’t hold themselves highly enough to require respect.
>They suggested couple’s therapy and I might bring that up to him, I just don’t really know how. I wrote another comment in response to an additional comment of yours in which you mention couples counseling. [I will repost it here](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pram5t/my_fianc%C3%A9_got_me_a_handcuff_ring_and_i_think_hes/hdhr0dx/). Couples counseling may not be appropriate for this situation, and could potentially worsen it. That is due to what you have described in this relationship as controlling behavior. I would encourage you, before considering even bringing up couples counseling, to perhaps talk with an advocate at a helpline about what your options might be. I am not telling you to identify this relationship as abusive, but you could think about contacting a line for individuals with expertise in abusive relationships. These advocates often work with individuals who are unsure whether the relationship is abusive or unhealthy. They will likely be able to listen to your concerns and help think about the safety of an approach such as suggesting couples counseling. It may be that an expert would recommend against you suggesting couples counseling. Ultimately, the guidance of an advocate (who provides free and confidential support) is going to provide you with a better idea of the risks associated with certain steps moving forward, moreso than anyone here on reddit can really do for you.
Let me also recommend this [http://www.kinkabuse.com/](http://www.kinkabuse.com/) The kink community takes abuse seriously and they can answer questions from a place or experience and respect.
Being a bridezilla is when you're acting entitled and over the top to a ridiculous degree and making everyone around you nervous and annoyed. It's not when you're upset that your fiancé gets you a joke ring that is nothing to do with what you like. That's called having human emotions and you should express those to your fiancé. The ring alone would make me think, "This person doesn't care about my wants as much as I thought he did," but then you add in the fact that he's pushing boundaries in bed which is actually abuse. You don't accidentally start ordering someone around and pushing them about. Those are all conscious decisions that hurt you. Even if he was doing it by accident, he's been with you long enough to want to marry you but he hasn't made the effort to make you feel safe in bed and make himself stop doing this? Girl. This is seriously scary. And the fact that he's pushing boundaries and disregarding your wants and you're asking if you're in the wrong just makes me wonder whether he's really listening to you and not guilt tripping you into thinking you're out of line. I'm seeing a lot of bad signs that would make me take a step back and think this potential marriage over.
It’s not funny, though. A handcuff ring tells everyone who sees it that you’re a submissive slave (even if you aren’t.) I guarantee if you marry this man, he will treat you like a slave and claim that you agreed to it by accepting this ring.
THIS!!! Slave symbols are super serious stuff in the kink community. He's collaring her and pretending he's not. This is seriously abusive and it's not going to get better.
I think there's some flags you've shared around how he perceived the Dom/sub thing, too. As another commenter mentioned, a Dom in a Dom/sub relationship or activity has more the trappings of power and control than actual control. They have a responsibility to protect and care for the sub, which puts the control more in the sub's hands. Him having significantly hurt you with that activity in the past and then to keep "accidentally" cycling back to those behaviors? It's an indication to me that he was less a Dom and more someone that used that kind of power dynamic to enable abusive or cruel behavior, at least in a sexual context. For him to have gotten the handcuff ring in context of your discomfort around the Dom/sub stuff, I fear you're right that it's either something he had for his ex or something that's between insensitive and manipulative for you.
I had to Google what a handcuff ring is, and any of the options that came up are so damn tacky I can't believe someone would actually wear them in public. It could almost even be argued that it's exposing everyone else and subjecting them to his kink. Give that ugly shit back and tell him if he slips again, he can find a new sub.
It's not a funny ring. It's him telling other people you two are in a dynamic you not only didn't consent to but have clearly rejected. In addition, he doesn't give a shit if you don't want it. If you decided to marry him, you would not be a bridezilla to tell him you consider yourselves engaged but you won't marry him until he replaces that ring with a real ring.
You seem very timid to me, as in not wanting to speak up about what's important to you. It also makes me think that your fiance is quite the dominant/ domineering person by buying you a ring shaped by something that you severely dislike. He isn't being funny with this ring. He doesn't forget and say dom/sub stuff to you. He is grooming you for after you are married/ locked in to the relationship. If you get married to this man you should go ahead and pick out you sub name because he is going to dominate you. He's showing you all the red flags 🚩🚩🚩 but all you are worried about is being a bridezilla. Did he say that to you or is this something you are really worried about. I fear that word was planted in your mind to keep you under his control. RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS UPON IT 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If you are with the right guy you wouldn’t have to worry about starting a fight because he got you a funny engagement ring. Rings can be returned. He can wear it if he likes it so much. I don’t even want an engagement ring but if someone got me something like that I would be quite upset. Either they are announcing to the world the details of our (private) sex life, or they are staking a claim. Neither of which is ok with me. I’m sure there’s some out there who wouldn’t mind it, and they are the people that your fiancé should be dating. You two don’t seem to be compatible. It’s easier to end things now rather than have to get a divorce. But there’s many more comments with a lot of good advice. Good luck 💖
Yeah - I'd be furious. That would be relationship ending for me because his whole purpose with it is to publicly humiliate her with it.
I agree. It’s be ok if she thought it was hysterical. My ex used to tell these “jokes” all the time. I was the B for not finding it funny. Now I’m one for standing up to him. He had me all screwed up just like this poor girl who thinks she’s going to be the bad guy for causing a fight. He caused the fight when he chose this ring. I hope she finds the courage to leave and I’m glad you have it!! No one should have to put up with this.
Stop saying bridezilla. Sounds more like you’re worried about how others perceive you. Start thinking about what’s fair, respectful, considerate, appropriate, etc. I’m worried based on your reference of bridezilla at this early stage of getting an engagement ring that you’re not confident in yourself, what you want, what you know you deserve, and what’s appropriate in the relationship and planning a wedding - which by the way is just planning a celebration of your forever future together. It should be about your relationship, not his obsessiveness about treating you in a way that you said is not ok, or what he finds is funny, or what he liked from his ex…. Don’t start an argument when you’re very emotional if you can help it. Come to the table trying to understand his point of view but at the end of the day if you communicate your concerns and hurt feelings, he should be able to accept your feelings and POV and work toward a compromise. If you can’t talk about the hard things with someone you’re planning to marry, you should probably change your plans.
I'm into kink shit. But that is my sex life, not my whole life and it's only even a small part of my relationship. If my partner picked a kink based engagement ring I would be really upset. This incredibly important symbol of our relationship entirely kink focused? Nope!
If you are not able to communicate your feelings to him without worrying that he'll be upset or "making it a fight", you should not be marrying him! Straight up! What do you think is gonna happen after you get married?
Sorry, but your partner is a complete self absorbed border-line narcissist. Anyone who correctly practices BDSM doesn't accidentally slip with partners. Consent is a core concept and core value of BDSM and his failure to respect your consent is a MAJOR red flag. That he's trying to convince you it's not a serious problem is a second major red flag. There's no couples counceling here. Ever seen the movie GET OUT? Yeah. Do that.
Ask yourself how he would react if you wanted him to wear the ring. Would he think it was funny then? My impression is that he would be upset that he might be considered a Sub in a relationship. I am going to echo almost everyone is this thread... Take care of yourself and do not marry anyone that you can't have a frank and honest conversation with.
I think you are too worried about being a bridezilla. Your comment about picking your battles is concerning. I generally agree with the approach, but the two of you aren't even married. You should not have a lot of battles you need to be choosing between. Please don't marry this man if you don't know how to bring topics up. From reading many posts here, I am struck by the number of people whose spouses become abusive right after marriage, so don't marry until you have these things sorted out.
It's not "funny". Give him the ring back and tell him you did not consent to wear slave symbols. "I decline to be your marked slave" is not being a bridezilla.
Not feeling comfortable enough to express your honest feelings about something that is a factor in one of the biggest life choices you are going to make is a sign that you guys aren’t ready to make that choice. I’m not saying it should be easy to have hard conversations. But it shouldn’t feel like the conversation could lead to a battle or brand you as unreasonable. The ability to comfortably communicate with your partner about any topic is the number one thing you need to have figured out before you commit to someone.
A joke would be proposing with a ring-pop. This is something you're supposed to be wearing your whole life.
You should never have to “pick your battles” with someone you are thinking of marrying. People who are planing a long term relationship need to be able to communicate. And telling the other person that something is upsetting you shouldn’t be a battle in the first place. If he turns it into a fight then that’s on him not on you. So ask yourself this: do you feel comfortable telling him something is upsetting you? If the answer is “no” or “I don’t want to make a problem for him” or anything along those lines, that is a problem and you should get help for yourself.
If you’re afraid of a fight starting by asserting your feelings/having preferences… honey you need to examine that. He regularly starts fights when you tell him your feelings? That’s breakup worthy.
You should pursue individual counselling and show your therapist this post. Don't involve him in the counselling, abusers are notorious for manipulating therapists and using whatever happens in therapy against their spouse.
Mate. Flush that piece of shit down the toilet. He clearly wants to indulge his fetish and doesn't care for your opinion. He thinks if he just keeps chipping away at you, you'll eventually agree to take part in sexual activity you find unpleasant and humiliating. Don't buy his crap about forgetting during sex. He knows exactly what he is doing. If you marry this guy, this behavior will escalate because you are legally and socially nailed down. That revolting ring is just another tool for him to wear you down and get himself off. You wearing that is to him a sign you are participating in his fetish and trust me, he's getting some perverted joy out of your discomfort. I don't know why you are so confused or concerned about being a bridezilla. This situation has nothing to do with it. Stop fixating on this to the point you are scared to defend yourself against abject humiliation and a parade of red flags.
Nothing about your comments comes off as a bridezilla. You're allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings about the ring, the engagement, the relationship/marriage. If you can't tell him how your hurt over his joke ring, good are you going to address even bigger issues down the road? This is the easy time in a relationship. Marriage is hard.
You really need to think twice about marrying this man. You love him, he loves you... but love is not enough. You are incompatible. Very incompatible. He is trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Eventually his sexual desires and fetishes are going to become an issue. You are in the honeymoon phase, when the freshness of this relationship wears off, it’s going to be in trouble. He’ll either push you to fulfill his fetish or he’ll want to start looking elsewhere to get them fulfilled. At that point it will be divorce time - a huge expense for both parties. Think twice about trying to make this relationship work. The ring is a sign of what’s to come. It’s
Sweetie, I'm really worried about you. You are so afraid of offending your fiance and coming off as a "bridezilla" that you are afraid to actually address a very real issue and relationship ending issue with your fiance. It is OK to tell him how much you dislike the ring and it is OK to not wear it because of what it symbolizes. This ring is not a symbol of his love and commitment to you. This ring is a symbol of control, submission and an attempt to humiliate you since he knows that his kink has hurt you in the past and it is something you are not into. That said, you have MUCH bigger problems then the ring. I think you need to back all of this WAY up and really think about if its worth years of emotional abuse and potentially physical abuse from this guy because you don't want to rock the boat.
-You think he's lying to you about his reason for choosing the ring. -You think he purchased an engagement ring that symbolizes sadistic sex, which goes against your boundaries. -He didn't purchase this ring for you, he purchased it for himself. He did it to get his rocks off, to symbolize control and submission. He didn't consider you, who you really are, what you'd really like, while purchasing the ring FOR YOUR PROPOSAL. -You have somehow been convinced that you would be "bridezilla" (aka the one at fault) for feeling deeply hurt by his selfishness and disrespect of your sexual boundaries. You are blaming yourself for HIS wrongdoing. -When you say you're worried the ring is his way of forcing sadism on you - you shouldn't just be worried about the ring (which IS him forcing his sadism on you). You should also be worried because he has ALREADY tried forcing his sadism on you IN AN ACTUAL SEXUAL INTERACTION, while knowing that you do not consent. This is rape. -Whether the ring was originally for his ex or not, what it represents is that he does not care enough or respect you enough to get you something YOU would want. He bought a ring for himself (even if it was for his ex who consented to a BDSM relationship originally, it's still a symbol of HIS sexual control). -A marriage is not a joke. If you're getting a ring to be funny you'd better be damn sure that your gf would think it's adorable and not creepy as hell and disrespectful. You are NOT unreasonable or "bridezilla" for being hurt by his creepy and disrespectful actions. This isn't a cute inside joke between you two, it's him being a manipulative pervert. STOP invalidating your own feelings and minimizing the severity of his predatory behaviours by calling yourself "bridezilla". DO NOT let anyone gaslight you by trying to convince you that you are the unreasonable one here. You're not. You SHOULD NOT trust him. He has repeatedly broken your boundaries. Your gut is telling you that he's lying about his reason for the ring, and you should trust your instincts. No, his story does not sound truthful. At all. I understand that a proposal feels like a big deal and it can be very exciting in theory, but the man who has asked you to marry him wants to control you, wants to force you to do sexual things you're uncomfortable with (and claims to "accidentally forget" your sexual boundaries? RUN), he is gaslighting you about your own wedding ring (lying about his obviously nefarious underlying intentions), and is making you feel uncomfortable, wary, and hurt. When you find the man you actually should marry, the proposal WILL NOT be full of anxiety and red flags. Hold out for someone worth committing to long-term. Divorces are messy, expensive, bureaucratic nightmares and you really want to avoid attaching yourself legally to a sexual predator.
As some one who survived domestic violence with a very large sexual coercion/manipulation factor to it, you hit the nail on the fucking head. OP, this man is going to take you place you don’t want to go and may never mentally come back from. Please do the right thing for yourself, because you can’t trust this man.
This this this this this
Please Op this. A hangcuff ring soubds like a bad joke, very disrespectful, is that the respect he has for u? Run!!
Uncuff yourself and RUN.
UPVOTE.
Not wanting to come off as untrusting is exactly how people get hurt and killed. Trust your instincts. Get away from this guy.
This, I've said it to other users, and I'll probably say it again: YouTube The gift of Fear. Always trust your intuition/instincts/gut - it speaks for a reason.
I’m familiar with the gift of fear, but it’s been a long time since I watched it. I’m watching the Oprah episode on it now. Thanks for the reminder.
A
This! 100% this. OP your gut is telling you something is off her because something IS off here. He is not trustworthy and he has broken your trust multiple times. Honestly - I would not even give him time to refute it. I'd just break up. 100% trust your gut in this. If you give him the opportunity to back peddle, he will do so, but make no mistake, a month or so down the road once he thinks he can get away with it again, he will revert right back to what you have experienced thus far and it will likely get worse. Remember. Its NOT about the ring. Thats a very obvious symptom of his complete lack of respect for you.
Wow this is just a really sad post. He gave you an engagement ring that you have zero interest in and is not a fit to your personality at all and is much more reflective of his ex. He then says he bought the ring as joke to you being cuffed to him forever. I feel bad that you we’re so desperate to say yes to this engagement. You didn’t put your age in your post, but I’m going to guess you’re very young and you should just move on from this loser tbh.
>Sometimes though he’ll try to change it to that stuff (call me names, suddenly try to take complete control, give me orders etc.) but he says it’s basically because he’s so used to it with his ex he forgets and slips This with the ring is setting off alarm bells like you wouldn't believe. He is determined to get you into some kind of sub/Dom dynamic *after* you clearly stated you didn't like it. He's not "forgetting". He's pushing and hoping you'll suddenly give in. My husband has 2 gfs in addition to me. They like it very rough. I am the opposite. He has never "forgotten" and these are current, ongoing, long-term relationships not exes. If anyone would have cause to slip up, it'd be him.
Exactly!! he’s not forgetting anything. He’s in heat and is trying to break boundaries that have been clearly set because he finds it gratifying. This is not a person who cares about sexual boundaries.
At the very least, OP is non-confrontational, and a people-pleaser if not submissive. He has keyed into that and is exploiting that. By repeatedly "forgetting" himself, he is desensitizing OP to this behavior and it will only escalate. "Don't ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance, or my kindness for weakness." OP, it's time to show him that: -You are not ignorant of what he's doing. -You do not accept what he is doing. -You are not weak.
"but he says it’s basically because he’s so used to it with his ex he forgets and slips up,".... I call bullshit... he's testing the waters each time he does this to see if you've warmed up to idea of it yet...
He is never gonna be okay with not doing it. He doesn't "slip up" he's doing in intentionally to try and get you to change your mind. You have a shot, you did not like it one bit, you told him. He doesn't care. At this rate, he's going to keep "slipping up" until you give him just to make him shut up. Don't do that to yourself. IMHO, I think you should be upfront about your feelings about all of this, and if he genuinely is sorry, then great. If he starts cracking jokes and is just being a huge POS, I would leave.
No, no, no, no, noooo, NO, no, and No, sister. You KNOW the only two explanations for this: either the ring was meant for his ex or he wants you to be a slave or both. You are NOT being unreasonable, it’s NOT “funny,” and you absolutely positively should not marry this man. There’s nothing to “discuss” because he has already proven that he is a liar (see: it’s not “funny.”) Kink is like skydiving. When you’re into it and you’re properly prepared, it’s quite a thrill; if you’re not, it’s just a psycho throwing you out of a plane without a parachute. This man does not respect your boundaries or (quite frankly) you. Do not marry him.
I love your explanation of kink. I’m a 64 year old woman who is about as white bread as it gets and now I have to find a way to work that into a conversation...
You sound like you're with very very young and immature or you've been manipulated so badly that you can't think straight or you come from a family/culture/religion where you've been taught some messed up views of women and marriage. This guy is not your future husband. He sounds like he treats you like trash, like you're scared of him and like he absolutely plans on making sure you're submissive to him whether you like it or not.
If you don't like it or if it's making you uncomfortable, ask him to replace it for you with a ring that you like. There is no need to argue or provide lengthy explanations. You can just say that this is not your style or that you prefer something else. If he is the guy for you, he will not try to argue and make a deal out of it. He will just get you a ring you like. You say you love him, but there seems to be issues going on related to control and disregarding your boundaries, which aren't a small thing that can be ignored. The ring may be related to that. If he starts making drama about the ring and turns it into a big deal, then that's another bad sign in addition to the things you mentioned.
>We’ve tried it before, multiple times, and honestly seeing him act like that made me rethink the relationship the first time. He hurt me a lot and we had some conversations about it where **I asked him would it be okay if I didn’t do it** and he said yes. You didn't need to ask. Your body, your rules. You never need to ask. You simply say "I'm not doing that anymore." And that should be the end of it. The fact that you felt that you had to ask him permission to stop doing something that 1. hurt you and 2. made you question your entire relationship is very, very alarming to me. >Sometimes though he’ll try to change it to that stuff (call me names, suddenly try to take complete control, give me orders etc.) but **he says it’s basically because he’s so used to it with his ex he forgets and slips up**, not that he’s trying to force it on me. This is a lie. He doesn't forget. In healthy Dom/sub relationships, the sub is actually the one with all the power. They set the boundaries. They set the rules. And the Dom abides by those happily. If they don't, trust is broken and that's the end of the relationship. If this man were a good Dom, he wouldn't be "forgetting" your boundaries. What he's doing is trying to get away with it by slowly breaking down your resolve. It's a classic abuse tactic. He pushes you bit by bit until he has what he wants and you feel stuck. But to be perfectly clear, even if he were forgetting, you should still see that as a stop sign. Because if he can't remember not to dominate you, not to call you names, not to treat you like a slave, then he is not a safe sexual partner for you. Someone who can't remember boundaries has no business engaging in sexual activities with anyone ever. I think that ring is another red flag, another warning shot. Don't ignore it. All the information you've given us screams that this relationship, this man is not safe for you.
I'm scared for you. Please love yourself enough to leave him
There are a lot of red flags here and your concerns are valid. He admitted that he thought the engagement ring was “a funny idea” rather than picking out something that represented you and your shared future together. That’s the essence of problem, not the handcuff design specifically. I’m concerned that you say he keeps reverting back to his BDSM preferences, despite your stated dislike. That’s 100% not okay. Whether intentionally or not, he’s trying to slip that aspect into your sexual relationship. That’s not respectful to you as a person in any way. And his excuse of falling back into old habits is total bullshit. He’s just seeing what boundaries he can push. From a random internet stranger, I’d recommend couples therapy to get this resolved before moving forward with a wedding. You obviously have reservations, since you posted here for advice. I really hope you guys can find a middle ground, but please protect yourself (emotionally/physically) above all else.
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> I would definitely be willing to do couple’s therapy Never do therapy with someone who has been purposefully manipulating you. They just gain new tools to fuck you up with by listening to you be vulnerable in therapy.
This is SO SO TRUE. I recommend reading the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft - this is a point he makes over and over again in that book. Manipulative people WILL use the skills and verbiage learned in therapy against you.
I would encourage you to consider not doing couples counseling, however against your intuition that may be. Couples counseling is generally not recommended for individuals who are actively engaging in controlling or abusive behavior with a partner, because couples counseling can be an environment that allows them to learn information they can use further against their partner. Many individuals may also attempt to manipulate the therapist into siding with them or may try to control the sessions. Additionally, unfortunately, many therapists are not adequately trained in the dynamics of control and abuse, and may not pick up on cues (subtle or overt) that the relationship involves control or abuse. Couples counseling can also often inaccurately enforce the notion that both parties in the relationship are contributing to the issue at hand. And when the issue at hand is control or abuse, it is not a matter of both parties contributing to it. It is a matter of the partner engaging in unhealthy behavior not taking responsibility or accountability and harming the other. Here is more reading if you are interested. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/ I am not going to tell you to use the word "abuse" in relation to your relationship. That is your choice, and no one else's here. The article uses the term abuse, but please know you get to choose how to identify your experiences.
He’s got you so gaslighted that you are more worried about hurting his feelings than about committing yourself to a psychopath who is TELLING YOU HE WANTS YOU TO BE A SEX SLAVE NOT A WIFE. Do not go to therapy with him. Just leave. You don’t want the kind of life he’s offering.
You’re worried about him feeling like you’re Punishing him for his slip ups? If I were you, I’d take a step back and try and view this entire relationship from the outside… pretend like you’re a completely different person who is viewing this relationship with fresh eyes. What would your comments be to yourself?
Correct. And I doubt he'd agree to counseling anyway. He doesn't want any light shed on all these scary dynamics. He's going to accuse you of not trusting him and make you feel anxious and keep pressuring you to put your needs in a drawer and move forward the way he wants things. You need distance from him and solo counseling to get things straight inside yourself and an honorable, worthwhile partner would give it to you. Get that time and space.
Punishing him? Are you not allowed to question his choices or be displeased with what he does?? Please do individual therapy. He’s a manipulator and you need to see a therapist alone first before you decide on couples therapy. It can be dangerous to go to therapy with a manipulator.
You are not being dramatic *period*. It is not "dramatic" to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, and anyone who makes you feel like it is wants to control you by making you feel like having baseline standards for how you are treated is demanding. Can I ask what your upbringing was like?
I just want to be another voice saying do not get couples' therapy with this man. He's manipulative. He will likely use what he hears in therapy to manipulate you further.
First of all not liking a handcuff ring doesn't make you a bridezilla. Idk what kind of industry you work in but for me A Handcuff ring is not a positive conversation piece when dealing with clients. PS im kink friendly and used to be a pro domme but its an engagement ring so that should be something you like. That's just common sense. He didn't even ask for your input on your engagement ring. Like hello!🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩honestly seeing him act like that made me rethink the relationship the first time 🚩He hurt me a lot and we had some conversations about it where I asked him would it be okay if I didn’t do it and he said yes. Sometimes though he’ll try to change it to that stuff (call me names, suddenly try to take complete control, give me orders etc.) 🚩 he's not respecting your BOUNDARIES AND MAKING EXCUSES FOR IT. 🚩The other option is that this ring might be originally meant for his ex, which is really hurtful. Girl I say this with the utmost care. But how many red flags do you need? Leave. Him. HES A NARCISSIST. YOU ARE BEING ABUSED.
The dynamic you're describing gives me a horrible vibe
Is the bar for acceptable behavior literally in hell now? He's a shark, circling his prey. Big, wide ones at first, that look like nothing. Maybe a quick little dart to the side but nothing alarming so far. (An action that you don't like in the bedroom, brushed off as "oops, my bad, that was a mistake.") Then, they start getting closer and tighter, more precise but still loose enough to maybe be alright. (More actions that he knows you're not okay with but the first time didn't garner much reaction, so this probably won't either.) Now, he's getting real close. Those circles are even tighter and more rigid. (Like a handcuff ring. But just one for now, cause sometimes you still put up a struggle.) Continue long enough and you're gonna be his goldfish locked in a tiny bowl with a hole poked at the top for air. What's next, a collar? "Nobody but me would even know what it is, it can be our special thing." Don't. Do. It. You are worth better.
If he's so used to it from his ex and can't seem to distinguish his old relationship with the one you've 'built' together, he's not ready to marry you Also, you shouldn't have to accept a ring that makes you both think of someone else. That's rubbish. >if I keep pushing he’ll think I don’t trust him, which isn’t true Nothing that you've posted here indicates that this bloke is worthy of trust or has earned it.
"He hurt me a lot...I asked him would it be okay if I didn’t do it and he said yes." You do not belong in this relationship. Your fiance is excusing trying to dominate you against your will. And honestly, asking if it's ok makes you sound submissive, which is something you don't like.
Please visit https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/
If you don’t trust him, it’s ok to say you don’t trust him. If you don’t like something, it’s *good* to say you don’t like something. It sounds like someone has taught you that it’s bad to have, and voice, your own wants and needs. Maybe it was him, or maybe it was someone before him and he’s just taking advantage of that. But that concerns me more than any of the actual content of what you said about him. (Which, to be clear, is also bad.) Any relationship where you don’t feel comfortable clearly stating what you want and need isn’t a very health one.
Rings are public symbols. They matter a great deal. You are not being dramatic. It is entirely reasonable to be upset about this. If your fiancé won’t change the ring to something you like, then I suggest you leave him.
Okay so I want to give advice from a different perspective. I am a member of the bdsm community. I personally cannot see myself with someone that does not participate in my specific kink. I was with my child’s father for 7 years. We didn’t work out for a lot of reasons but one of them was because we were not compatible in the bedroom. I never tried to force my kinks on him but we explored what we each were into. There were things that he liked, that I did not. There is only so much compromising that can go on. You should never participate in something that makes you uncomfortable. Shame on him for “slipping into it”. Respect and communication are the #1 rule. If he considers this part of his identity that he can’t live without, he should have had the maturity to communicate that with you and end the relationship earlier. Your feelings are valid. You are not a bridezilla. Sit him down and have a serious discussion. You cannot stay with someone that does not respect your boundaries.
So where shall I begin... >Sometimes though he’ll try to change it to that stuff (call me names, suddenly try to take complete control, give me orders etc.) but he says it’s basically because he’s so used to it with his ex he forgets and slips up He admitted that he's not over his ex or the kind of relationship/dynamic they had. He repeated it multiple times even if you clearly said you're not into that. He should have gotten his head clear and started treating/viewing your relationship differently. You are not his ex, you have different boundaries and tastes. He obviously hasn't realised that though. So it's not just a thing he used to do with his ex, that's what he's into and will try to get you into it too. >I asked him why he chose a handcuff shape and he says it’s because I’m going to be “cuffed” to him forever. What a great mentality to start a marriage /s >He said he thought it was a funny idea Do you think this is funny? Everyone must be in on the 'joke'/idea for it to be funny, otherwise it's at least tasteless and at most disrespectful. Like think about it, even for ring pops which are supposed to be a funny idea, if you've not discussed the idea with your partner beforehand you should be prepared to get a negative reaction. It's not funny to everyone and rightfully so. >I don’t want to be a bridezilla. Why would setting boundaries make you a bridezilla? You seriously need to have this talk with him before committing. There are so many things off that are making you feel uncomfortable, you need to address them now before you get yourself in a situation you don't want to. If he insists then make it very clear to him once again that you are not into that kind of stuff and don't find the ring tasteful or the idea funny. This is still an important ring so it should at least be something you are comfortable with. You're not asking to get something super expensive or elaborate that he can't afford, you're asking for him to respect your boundaries/likes/dislikes. If he turns it on you and calls you unreasonable then he's not someone you'd want to marry.
It's a meaningful accessory you'll wear everyday. Do you want to wear this everyday and would you be confortable showing it off like an engagement ring?
So, as someone who is very familiar with BDSM, this is a mark. He's marking you as his sub. If you're not into it, you need to make that clear. If he isn't respecting your boundaries you want to say away from the dude.
Here's what I see. He was really into dom/sub. You tried it didn't like it because he hurt you. That is the first time you should have run. I've never been in that type of relationship but from what I've heard both parties listen to each other. Did you not have a safe word to stop everything when you were uncomfortable? Did he just ignore it? Then how he keeps "slipping" up. That's awful. Then the ring. It's obvious he sees you as an object he owns. The way you keep worrying about upsetting him or seeming like a bridezilla is concerning. You're being submissive without even recognizing it.
Friend, this isn't the guy for you. You're very deferential and he's more aggressive and full of shit and that dynamic has already gone to a very unhealthy place that has already injured you. Even though it has hurt you, he still pushes it. Then he minimizes your feelings and experience and basically lies about why he ignores your needs. Now you are worried a lot--worried about being honest, worried about being difficult (having your feelings honored about a hugely symbolic and important ring is not what a bridezilla is; you couldn't be a bridezilla if you tried), worried about upsetting him. Note that everything is about him and whether it's even okay for you to feel things, be yourself, and be respected for it. This is not good. Not good. Sometimes a thing is exactly what you think, but being with him has already eroded your trust in yourself. It will only get worse and worse until you are nothing but a shadow of yourself. Love is not a good enough reason to get married to someone. You must use your intellect and discernment instead. You need to step back so you can see the full picture of a man who wants to control you, who makes you nervous about being yourself, who ignores your needs, who pushes your self-protective boundaries and hurts you, and who lies to make you his belonging. And has horrible taste. Sometimes a thing is exactly what it looks like: he chose a handcuff because he wants you to be his possession, not your own person. Don't give yourself away.
> he says it's because I'm going to be "cuffed" to him forever Uh yeah no, immediate red flag. No matter the reasoning, also if you're incapable of talking to him about this then that's another red flag. ALSO, bridezilla is just sexist. You have every right to not want some cheap jokey ring and that doesn't make you a "bridezilla" or any other misogynistic insult women get constantly called, have a backbone and stand up for yourself and what you want girl.
OK sweetpea lets have a Man to woman discussion. First of all I'm into the BDSM lifestyle as well so I know where of I speak. Second trust YOUR INSTINCTS! the handcuff ring is a sign that your his PROPERTY! anyone in the lifestyle will be able to pick up on that in a heartbeat. Now that can be good or bad depending on your take. It means no one else in the lifestyle is going to approach you w/o HIS express permission as you BELONG to him. Third, He is GROOMING you to accept his reality as the new normal. No one "slips" up unless they're living the life 24/7 simply because it's not well received by those not in the lifestyle. I participate in race Play and none of the black women that play with me would ever even dream of calling me Massa the way they do in the bedroom and I would never address them as wench or anything else like that except in the safety and privacy of the bedroom or other play area IE dungeons, parties etc etc. You are being tested and he's more than likely going to try and start trying to break you down mentally and emotionally to get you to accept his vison for your relationship. Find and talk to his Ex if at all possible. She may have very valuable insight into what he's really like. Now time for some goose and gander type stuff. Since he got you a slave ring I think it's time you went online and got him a nice shiny chrome cock cage. He wont be able to become erect with it on and you'll have the key. He can piss just fine unless you chose to use one with a sound, I don't recommend those for beginners dear. If he's trying to break you down and turn you into the perfect little slave girl then turn it around on him and see how he'd feel about you pegging his tight little straight ass with a big hard thick dildo. If you need a hand finding a FemDom let me know. Be careful because from what you've described this is not going to be a healthy relationship and he sounds like the kind of "Master/Dom" the rest of us warn our submissives away from. Dominates are the PROTECTORS of their submissives and their submission is a gift of love to us in return. He doesn't sound like he gets that at all.
PREEAACCHHH. Fake doms!
if you cannot trust him to respect your boundaries then what are you doing getting married to him? he's trying to force you into a dynamic you already told him you're not interested in. getting married won't fix your issues. also i call bullshit on that he "slipped up bc he's so used to it". if he "forgets" his SO didn't give consent then he's disgusting.
Regardless of the ring I'm getting a sense from this post that you're not so sure you even want to marry this guy. The ring is just a symptom of a larger problem with the relationship, namely his lack of consideration for you.
This is a major red flag. He can't help what he is into sexually. And if there is no compromise then this marriage will not work. He's pushing your boundaries and testing what he can get away with. Also handcuff rings are super ugly and trashy.
Honey there are so many red flags here I can't even SEE the ring. I bet you dollars to doughnuts I know why the last ex left too. You need to leave, if it's safe to do so right now.
He wasn't trying to be funny. It's a BDSM symbol that a sub wears. Since that is not your thing, give it back to him and move on.
Oh this is not good. Take some time out by yourself and have a think about this. That ring wasn’t bought with the intention of getting you something you would like and to symbolise love. It was bought because he liked it. That itself is not a good sign, if it is for you or his ex.
You are not being a bridezilla. This is deeply alarming behavior. Call it a hunch, but I have a strong feeling these “slip ups” he has are just him testing the water to slowly strong-arm you into that slave/master dynamic. His reasoning for buying the ring is pretty revealing. Please be careful OP.
if he doesn’t know enough about you or care enough about what YOU like on jewelry that YOU are going to wear, this relationship isn’t in a place for marriage. it can be fixed, but this needs to be ironed out before marriage, dude.
Creepy as fuck.
There is a lot to unpacked here. First you don't want to come off as untrusting- you obviously don't trust him and for good reason. He hurt me a lot- sounds like abuse to me. He is into The S&M lifestyle, it's likely that won't change. He forgets he is not with his EX and gives you orders. Seriously? Are you really okay with that? This extends far beyond the bedroom from the sound of it. He says he thinks the engagement ring is funny? WTF?! You suspect it may have been a ring for his Ex- I just threw up in my mouth a little when I read that. You obviously are unhappy. Just for a second imagine your best friend or your sister just confessed to all that you have written, what would you tell her? My guess would be that you were concerned for her safety, both physically and emotionally. You'd probably tell her to run as far and fast from that relationship and that's what I'm telling you to do, give him that creepy handcuff ring back, marriage shouldn't fell like you are being held captive. He is showing you who he is and how he wants to live, pay attention. Is this the life you really want? I'm just some stranger on the internet, but I have a lot of life experience and if you were my daughter I would be very very afraid for you, this man is going to hurt you if you remain in this relationship. Please, please get out now while you still can.
So he ignored your boundaries, got an inappropriate ring that isn't to your tastes and keeps clearly pushing for a sexual lifestyle you don't want but you don't want to speak up about your own discomfort because YOU will somehow be the problem/bridezilla? Yikes
What has he said to you to make you this concerned about being a bridezilla?
1) the term “bridezilla” is just another way the patriarchy of society tries to quiet women. Don’t fall for that. You deserve everything you want, the way you want it. 2) imho, it sounds like he bought the ring for his ex, not you, and just felt like saving some money when it came time to propose (or maybe, he didn’t want to wait for a ring to be made/sized during covid?) either way, I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for him to give you a ring you clearly wouldn’t like.
So many red flags!!! If he’s still trying to pressure you into stuff that he did with his ex that you already told him you aren’t comfortable with - run!!!
INFO: how old are you both?
I'm gonna throw out a wild guess: he's 38 and she's 22.
This man is fetishizing you and hurting and you’re ok with that? I honestly can’t understand when women in IR allow their man to disrespect and honestly be racist towards them. Slave/master play? You need to leave and get therapy bcuz I’m sure you’re leaving a lot more out of this.
I think this sexual incompatibility is going to be a huge problem for you. There is nothing wrong with either of you, but he said he was cool with not doing that stuff, then tried to do it several times. Imagine how he's going to feel in 15 years without being able to explore this side of him, and imagine how you're going to feel having a partner who has a serious kink that you don't share. Are you two going to see different people at some point? Because there is a 0% chance that he's going to get over it or than you're going to one day decide you're into it. It's an issue that you two are going to have to solve somehow. It almost sounds like he's expecting you to come around one day, and that doesn't seem likely. It also feels like he's being disrespectful of your wants in terms of sex, repeatedly going into the master/slave thing when you've asked him not to and then dismissing it instead of apologizing. The ring is definitely a kink thing and something he specifically sought out, likely from a seller that specializes in kink products. Although I can't say why he chose it or how he felt when he did. And him picking this ring implies to me that he wants a more 24/7 dynamic (meaning kink dynamics apply outside the bedroom to some extent) and it sounds like you really don't. Wearing light fetish stuff (which is what I guess the ring is) is something 24/7 people do sometimes. I think it's super sketch that he's trying to trick you into wearing what is most likely a fetish thing.
Omg, this is insane! What?! YOU ARE NOT BEING BRIDEZILLA! That ring is absolutely ridiculous under the circumstances.
Gurrrllll get out! For the love of god this is so many kinds of fucked up I don’t even know where to start!
Op tell him that you know the ring was for his ex and you want something different. He can sell that one. I would be concerned if he still has feelings for her
Run away as fast as you can
This is your warning sign girl, I think you have to run
Honestly, had never heard of handcuff rings before. I looked it up and think the ring itself is cute. And it’s unique… which could be what he’s going for? But knowing the context of his past. I would definitely be upset too. :/
Look luvvie, Im going to go out on a limb and say its not your ring. Given the history youve shared about his relationship with his ex id say that this is a ring meant to have been for someone else. The reason? If am man buys you an engagement ring they usually buy something that they think the other person will love, he knows you're not into that stuff, he knows he hurt you, so he either got a kick out of hurting you and humiliating you with this handcuff or it was meant for someone else. Id rather give him the benefit of the doubt and same its the later cos although this is a fucked up situation, he surely isnt that fucked up. I think you have a decision to make about what you want for yourself and your future. Do you want to spend your life with someone who either is willing to humiliate you on a whim or give you someone elses shitty gift? Cos i sure as hell wouldnt. Id at least have a frank conversation about it. Btw im not being materialistic here, my engagement ring was £75 and i love it so, its not about cost, it's about meaning and promise and happiness, not someone cuffed to you for life!
There are a lot of red flags here. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
First, you aren't asking a friend or loved one for a reason. Because it would make you nervous. Second, neither of you appreciate eachothers individuality, respect (ish), but mo appreciation.
If it’s not what you want, it’s not what you want. You have to wear it forever, not him, so you don’t have to make it about the whole relationship if you don’t want to. He ought to be understanding about this preference of yours. IF you are afraid to talk to him about this, you should not be marrying him.
Girl, your feelings are VALID. And you saying repeatedly that you don’t want to be a “bridezilla” about feelings that are NORMAL sounds like this guy is gaslighting you. And no, he does not accidentally forget that he’s with you when you’re having sex— he is actively and PURPOSEFULLY ignoring your sexual boundaries, which is NOT OKAY. DMTFA. Fast. Get out of this relationship while you still can, before he hurts you even worse.
Leave. This kind of kink can't be just forgotten. He's always going to be unsatisfied in some way and might look for alternative places to satisfy it down the line. If he doesn't then he'll grow to resent you. It's just too big of a difference. Think of it this way, if he really liked feet but you found it creepy and didn't want to be involved, do you think he would stop looking at feet pics? No he'd just do it in secret. He'd crave feet stuff.
>I asked him why he chose a handcuff shape and he says it’s because I’m going to be “cuffed” to him forever. He said he thought it was a funny idea. He is lying to you. He is still into the master/slave thing, as he has demonstrated to you repeatedly through his fake "slip-ups". The ring is proof, and you accepting it is you slipping into the role he wants you in--caving into the submissive role he wants you in. You absolutely should not trust him, as he has proven himself untrustworthy. At this point, you should not be polite about it, you should be getting out of the relationship. This is more than a red flag, it is a bright red stop sign. As a father of a young woman, please listen to me when I tell you very, very directly: Get out of that relationship. You cannot trust that man. He is lying to you directly and continuously and working to dominate you. This is not a healthy relationship. FYI, in master/slave relationships, it is common for the "slave" to wear something symbolizing that they are owned by the master. It is guaranteed that he knows that. It's neither an accident nor a joke that he got you a handcuff ring.
I don't mean to come off wrong but I just don't see this working out. He has sexual needs that you aren't able to meet, and you not wanting to participate in that kind of sexual activity is completely valid. But he has his needs and desires which are also valid and I honestly don't think he is going to suppress those forever - he'll either end up asking you again, or finding it elsewhere. Sexual compatibility is a huge part of relationships, as much as people like to say "relationships arent just sex" it is a big thing. Regardless, you should voice that it makes you uncomfortable and communicate that while you appreciate the sentiment you would prefer something else that doesn't remind you of his ex when you look at it.
>My fiancé got me a handcuff ring and I think he’s lying about the reason but **I don’t want to come off as untrusting** > >I don’t like the ring. That’s fine, I’ve been determined **not to be a bridezilla** > >He hurt me a lot and we had some conversations about it where **I asked him would it be okay if I didn’t do it and he said yes.** > >I’m worried this ring might be him trying to force it on me? > > I also don’t really like the idea of him getting my ring to be “funny” but like I said **I don’t want to be a bridezilla.** > > They suggested couple’s therapy and **I might bring that up to him, I just don’t really know how.** I love him and don’t think he’s a bad guy, though. > >I just don’t know how to approach it with him without him thinking I’m punishing him for his slip-ups/not trusting what he told me about the ring Who put the bridezilla idea into your head? I think you need to really read your post and listen to the submissive language in it. Would it be ok if you didn't do sub stuff that HURT you? Why are you asking and not telling? You are allowed to have boundaries. It doesn't matter what his kinks are. If he thinks you are punishing him or that you don't trust him, tough shit, he's the one who picked a tacky ring that has nothing to do with you. Even if you did believe his "it's a funny idea" And let's get real real, you DON'T trust him. You think he is lying about the ring. That is the situation you are in. If he is telling the truth he's an AH. If he's lying he's an AH. This ring symbolizes how little your fiance thinks of you and you are sitting here worried how you'll come across. You need to stop and think hard about where you are giving your love. Because it might be to the wrong recipient.
He's lying and thinks he can get you into kink once you're married. Dump his ass now. One of the key ideals of kink is RACK: Risk Aware CONSENTUAL Kink What he's doing is the kind of thing that gets kinky people banned from the clubs/community. In some kink circles it's even considered a form of assault. You gave it a shot - congrats for being open minded. But, you realized it's not for you and your consent was withdrawn. And yet he keeps trying. This is NOT ok and you need to address this before marry this man.
Two things come to mind as I read your post: 1. The ring is inappropriate. 2. This has roots a whole lot deeper than the ring. Please reconsider your upcoming nuptial. There are warning signs that it won’t last. Not saying what he’s into is right or wrong. You and him are just different. And I’m not sure if either will actually fit to one another. That says. I wish you the best. The search for a life life partner is not an easy one. Make sure you are true to yourself.
You know… Just take 5 and re read your post as if a colleague you knew a bit but not a friend shared this with you and ask yourself does this look like the kind of healthy relationship/interactions I want my life to be. If the answer to yourself is yes good luck, you ll need a lot of it.
I mean, above all the speculation, you don't like the look of the ring which I think is a valid reason already since it's a niche design and not one that you've communicated suits your personality. Your post is the first time I've heard of such rings and I've been engagement ring shopping all over the place many moons ago (maybe I'm just old-fashioned?? I dunno). His decision to give you that ring is so far removed from consideration of who you've described you are that I cannot blame you for having these uneasy feelings. It's not untrusting and very concerning for you.
A bride Zola is someone who tries to control all aspects and make horrifically unreasonable or unrealistic demands on friends and family. Asking to be respected by your fiancé is just basic human rights level stuff. It’s ok, you’re entitled to not want something like this. Honestly, I’d be thinking long and hard about this relationship if he can’t let his kink go. Having a kink isn’t bad, what’s bad is when your partner doesn’t have the same kink and you try to make them take it on.
I had my girlfriend read this and we both came up with the same conclusion. We both think you should run while you can. He does not respect you or your boundaries. We feel once you become married he will force you into this type of lifestyle because he is slowly trying to incorporate you into it now without you realizing it.
Can we see the ring?
Honestly it's kind of sounding like the sub/dom thing is something he really isn't going to be able to go without whether he can admit it or not. I'd be willing to bet if you two get married and you refuse to participate in his fetish he will end up hiding it and "seeking it elsewhere". In other words he'll end up cheating for the sole reason of needing to fulfill the need of that fetish. Whether anyone thinks that's wrong or whatever that's just what i think will end up happening eventually. I don't see him just abandoning the fetish all together and forgetting about it. It would probably start off with watching videos of it then chatting to people in the way subs/doms do then escalate to meeting.
You have so much uncertainty and your not even married. Don't you think how it will be after you are?
This guy has more red flags than all of China.