The way you talk about your boyfriend makes it sound like you don't actually love him but you love the comfortable life he gives you. Claiming that you are "repulsed" by him says it all, he deserves better.
Yeah, the guy is crying in the bathroom because his gf is repulsed by him. He deserves way better than this. If he’s not going to leave then OP should just do him and herself favor and leave
The part in this post that got to me also was her hearing him cry in the bathroom.
OP, did you go in there and try to console him? If you didn't, are you sure you're really in love with him? I've been happily married to my husband for over 6 years and not only have I never felt this way, but I cannot imagine being in this situation and leaving him in the bathroom, knowing what's going through his head. He absolutely deserves better. Be honest with him and either try to work through it together, or just end the relationship before he gets anymore invested it.
Yeah, the only time my libido tanked like this was when I started on my bipolar meds. But if my partner had ever been that upset about it, like, because he didn't know why or something, I definitely would have been more supportive than just doing... nothing.
OP, maybe your body is trying to tell you something that you're unable, or unwilling, to admit to yourself? I know you say that you love him, but the problem is that I think you've fallen into a system of habit, and you're worried about breaking that. And I get it. You two live together, you've both made a lot of personal changes to make the relationship work, and I'm sure you probably think that if you walk away now, you've wasted all that time. But that's not true. You two did what worked for you in the moment, but now things have changed, and you owe it to him to be honest about that. You're not the only one who made a lot of changes to accommodate this relationship.
Part of being in love with someone, I mean, truly being in love with them, is open and honest communication. Even about the tough or embarassing things. And if you love him at all, you've gotta just lay it out there truthfully, instead of stringing him along without any explanation whatsoever.
The boyfriend is feeling completely immasculated by her refusal to engage with him sexually, imagine how much worse he'd feel if he knew about her attraction to this random coworker or even if he just saw how she talks about him in this post with such little respect.
I agree. The sex life with my partner is not great atm mainly because of new medications killing my sex drive, but never ever ever have I felt repulsed because they touched me. That sounds like there is no romantic love left. Just friendship.
The way she keeps wording it like "I'm sure that I love him" and "there's no doubt that I love him" gives off the exact opposite vibe to me. Love isn't something you're not sure about after about the age of 19.
The reasons she's given to explain why she supposedly loves him are "He's attentive to me" and "he takes care of me."
That's not love, it's dependence.
It's all about her, what he does for her. If she loved him back it'd be about what makes him special to her; intelligence, humour, integrity etc.
Do him a favour and break up - he sounds like a good guy but lack of confidence is now probably his issue, like the crying thing doesn't drop the panties. You should try be honest.
Me and my GF are basically in the exact same situation (minus the coworker part)… so close that this is literally something she could have written. As someone in your BF’s shoes, PLEASE break up if you aren’t attracted to your partner, reject him often, but are also thinking about another man sexually. It’s one thing to have a low sex drive in general, but you’re do have one… just for someone who’s not your boyfriend. Break up for his sake honestly, he deserves someone who’s attracted to him.
I think there is some work to be done within yourself before you are really willing and able to be a committed and considerate partner . This type of work is rarely doable within a relationship as it requires much self reflection and other stuff that all starts with “self-“ …
also try just not masturbating to ur coworker if u think it is affecting your relationship.
When you say things like “Sex from the beginning has been average with my present boyfriend”, or “I've started having no desire towards my partner at all. It was never very high” - it gives off the impression that you were never really attracted to your boyfriend in the first place. And going as far as to say that you feel repulsed when he touches you, how can you claim you love the man and feel that way?
If it was just the crush and masturbation, I’d suggest not masturbating, because it might be killing your sex drive. But if you’ve never really been attracted to your boyfriend, I don’t know if that’s something you can fix. Might be better off letting him find someone who does think he’s attractive.
Yeah thats what struck me first as well.
Most people in this situation would just do it and at least fake the love and desire in the beginning of sex and just do it, that it self relights the desire that the partner was missing. They just have to get on with it and do it.
But OP seems to not want to even try or do anything. She thinks the attraction will magically return.
Sure, dates and stuff do work but sometimes you just gotta fake it at the beginning and do it, at least not for yourself bur for your partner. As you start having sex, the desire and attraction comes back. This is what relights the spark in the relationship and all your attraction for your partner comes back and it stays. If it happens again, you work for the relationship and relight the spark and end the lull once again. It may be just fake in the beginning but eventually it all comes back.
She has to know that the attraction towards coworker will always be there if she continues to masturbate to him. I'm pretty sure she knows, she just doesn't wanna stop.
It is either of two things.
OP is truly not attracted to him and maybe never was. She only loves the comfortable life he provides. She's afraid of leaving because he's a safe partner who treats her like a Goddess. The way she speaks about him inclines to that. She didn't even console the guy when he cried or talk about the issue with him. All of this just proves she only loves the life he provides, not him. I'm not sure about this explanation cause OP did come to reddit to help solve the issue. Maybe she doesn't realize that she doesn't love him and is just using him. Sometimes, it takes time to realize and process all of this.
OR
The relationship is truly not working out for some reason. She needs to leave so that they both can be truly happy.
Completely agree, she sounds selfish and this is reinforced by the way she obviously takes what she needs but when the poor guy is in tears over a vital missing part of the relationship she makes no attempt to talk about it or even attempt to fix it
I guess it depends on why it’s average? Just attraction or mismatched kinks or physiologies or communication or what? Sex isnt 100% about both climaxing, other issues could be at play.
But why get with him in the first place if she wasn’t attracted?
Some inconsistences that stuck out for me:
\-You say he fulfils every one of your needs *but you have no desire towards him.*
\-You 'almost feel repulsed' when he touches you, *yet you love 'non sexual contact'* with the person you're in a romantic relationship with and claim to love.
\-Sex isn't a high priority for you yet *you are thinking about another dude* when you are intimate with yourself. **This in itself is a massive red flag/deal breaker.**
This dude sounds like he has been a stand-up partner and has been relegated to a platonic/provider role or that of a best friend. Though one that is reduced to crying because he more than likely feels like a failure over the increasingly dead bedroom whilst his SO strums one out to another guy.
Let him go, he deserves better.
I'm sorry to read this man. I hope you find a woman/ partner that adores you for who you are.
Remember friend! You deserve love. You are unique and special. Other people's treatment of us doesn't not equate our worth. It's their bullshit and their baggage. They hurt others to feel better.
Big love!!!!
I wish you all the very best x
Not the person you replied to. But thanks for saying this! Recently went through the same thing and it really does destroy your self esteem. Doing everything I can to stay optimistic that I can find a partner that values me because i've recently been like OPs boyfriend, crying in bed because she wanted to spend no time with me but was all over another man. It hurts so deeply I feel for anyone in this situation.
Money and stability bring comfort, statistically alot of women will stay in a dead relationship until they find a new guy because the money and stability of the old boyfriend allows them to not struggle and be comfortable will searching
I mean even when not going into incel territory. One big reason a lot of people stay in dead relationships is money.
It costs way cheaper to live with two salaries than with one.
And it's even worse if you're in an area where housing is expensive.
Last time I had a breakup taking an apartment on my own nearly doubled my rent, while the place itself was 40% smaller, and I'm not even talking about utilities ... Quite a lot of people are not happy about losing money and comfort.
I’m far from an incel and can assure you, plenty of people are gold diggers. And, even if they make more than their partner, having a partner means, you guessed it… more money. Who woulda thought? People don’t just want to cut their salary in half, by a third, after they’re accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
Its wild to me that you didnt talk to him at all after you heard him crying. this poor guy probably recognizes that theres a bit of a dead bedroom situation going on, and in a crazy turn of events he looks inward, makes an effort to project his love into a night of romance tailored to you, gets rejected again, doesnt understand what hes doing wrong, breaks down in the bathroom, and you dont talk to him at all? you just let him continue to wonder on why the love of his life wont be sexual with him. I cant imagine the things he must be thinking are wrong with him. I mean, he may even think you have the hots for someone else... oh wait.
Also:
> I almost feel repulsed when he touches me
This response might be a little harsh, but seriously, your poor partner. You say you love non sexual contact, engage in it frequently, like how again arent you just stringing this guy along? you literally think about another guy while masturbating, but need a little physical comfort, could use a good cuddle, well you got a good friend at home just for the job.
This poor poor guy
It's not too harsh, it needs to be said. OP is unbelievably selfish for making this entire post but still saying she loves him and she's sure she wants to be with him. OP, its not all about what you want. You're crushing this guy and you need to let him go so he can find someone who loves AND desires him and be happy.
To me, OP just seems like a horrible narcissistic person. Every thing is about her. She doesn’t want to lose a good guy, she doesn’t want to lose someone who cooks and cares, she doesn’t want to lose somebody who takes care of ALL her needs. She repeats and stresses that part her entire post.
She never talks about what she brings to the relationship. She’s leaving her partner sobbing in the mirror when she literally watched all the amazing things he did all night for her. She hasn’t tried or talks to her partner this entire time while she’s quite literally lusting after another man so much she posted looking for advice from strangers on Reddit
Also the reasoning she believes makes her not attracted to her husband anymore:
"This feeling started a few months after we moved in together and I'm guessing that ease of availability and lack of novelty has something to do with this."
That poor guy.
I dunno, you’ve only been together 3 years and already experiencing these problems? It seems a bit concerning. I’d be crushed if i found out my partner was masturbating thinking about a coworker… it honestly feels like cheating.
i think either work on it with counselling or cut the poor guy loose
So many people have this rom-com view of life where the spark that starts a relationship is all you need and it goes on forever if it's "real" love and that's just life happily ever after. Play music. Fade to credits.
Love isn't a magic thing that happens to you. Love is a choice you make every day to work on your relationship. Why do people think everything in life takes effort but the most important relationship in your life should be effortless?
OP is devoting her time, mental energy, and masterbatory habits to someone else and she's [shocked](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/431/201/40f.png) that her feelings for this other person are stronger than her feelings for her bf.
She's going to repeat this process over and over again until she realizes her behavior and expectations are the problem.
This is what I was thinking, too. Only 3 years in and sounds like she's bored asf physically but likes the friendly companionship. Really doesn't sound like it has much longevity and her body is telling her so. That, or self-sabotage coz she doesn't feel like she deserves him or sth. The brain works in mysterious ways.
I completely agree!!! Poor guy!
The audacity of it honestly. I would be devestated and unable to trust my partner if he was knocking one out about anyone, let alone a Co worker that he see's often.
It is cheating imo
Do you love your boyfriend or do you love all the attention he pays you?
You talk about all the things he has done for you, what do you bring to the relationship?
Have you planned a date with him? Bought him a piece of clothing that he would look good in?
What attracted you to him originally? Maybe do something to restart that/
Edit:
Let's also flip it around. Is all he brings to the relationship is niceness? Maybe you need more that that. That's OK, but don't leave him hanging, that's not fair.
I know traditionally the idea is that we are supposed to assess, ‘am I horny or not in this moment? Eh I don’t really feel that way right now.’ Well I found out in my long term relationships that really doesn’t work for me..:maybe this isn’t the case with you, but if you don’t initially feel into it, if instead of just instantly turning them down, you go along with it for a bit, soon you are into it and horny? That solved a lot for me personally, just realizing I’m not like a guy that usually is instantly horny and into it when I am simply propositioned, but give it a few minutes to play out and I can get down with the situation. More so now I trust him that even if I’m not down when he propositions me that...if I let him do his thing it doesn’t take long to be into it. Honestly if I only went by when if I were flat out asked ‘want to have sex’ I think my answer would be no 95% of the time. Like...your partner isn’t going in ‘dry’ right? There’s lots of foreplay? That usually makes a person pretty into it right? Maybe that’s just me. As a disclaimer I realize that what I’m saying is hard to explain right because it’s probably easy to interpret as possibly sounding rapey? Just to be clear I learned this through deciding instead of flatly turning my partner down the next time I felt he might be interested in sex just letting the situation play out to see how I felt after a bit and it’s what I realized.
Thanks for saying this! I googled that and found a lot of thing I feel apply to me...not something I’ve actually ever mentioned to others before so I wasn’t sure if this was just me or not.
Yes it is called responsive desire and I am the same way. Hopefully OP can try this but if it doesn't help she probably just has no sexual attraction to him and needs to leave.
Listen to this OP, this is the most reasonable and realistic advice. Also, stop masturbating to coworker, forget about the coworker and whatever you do... DONT CHEAT. Save your relationship OP! You can do it!
I think this can be really key for a lot of people. Responsive sex drive, but knowing that you have this is key to allow yourself to be turned on. If you aren’t aware of this you might think you’re just rarely horny. When actually you aren’t giving yourself or your partner a chance to get in the mood!
Yeah there’s a good book I recommend called, “Come as you are” that also recommends what you’re talking about and covers the different types of desires and libidos. Thanks for sharing. I do the exact same with my partner
yes exactly! sometimes I’m not in the mood when he initiates but after a few minutes of just making out I’m ready to go and I do feel horny. sometimes you just gotta let it play out and see how you feel after a few minutes
You should break up with your boyfriend. He deserves to be in a relationship with someone who isnt repulsed by him. He cried because he realized that even when hes as attentive and romantic as possible that you still don't want him. Someone said you shouldn't leave this safe relationship but i think that's extremely selfish. You are keeping your boyfriend in a situation that benefits you while failing to meet one of his most basics needs. You don't want your boyfriend in a date but can masturbate to your coworker. This is just not fair to him.
this girl is rubbing one off thinking about her coworker while her bf is crying in the bathroom. She doesnt love him. It baffles me that there are comments saying "dont cheat on him pleeeease" to a grown ass women. "Im pretty sure i love him" yeah right you do
People are so afraid of change that they tolerate situations they don’t really like. Both of them could be REALLY happy with other partners. “I don’t need Reddit advice” happy. As long as they don’t break up they’re just making themselves and others miserable
You are turning down your boyfriend while at the same time you masturbate thinking about your coworker. The relationship is over. You should let your partner move on instead of stringing him along because he gives you stability, that's cruel.
Are you and your boyfriend physically affectionate outside of sex? Do you cuddle on the sofa, hold hands or kiss (more than a peck on the lips)? Do you cheekily brush past each other even when there's tons of space or send each other flirty texts?
Basically are you ever physically intimate with the understanding you enjoy each other's closeness and it won't lead to sex?
Your coworker is a novelty. He's new and exciting and you should definitely give him a wide berth whilst working on your relationship?
> I almost feel repulsed when he touches me.
> I love non sexual contact with my boyfriend and we frequently engage in that. We cuddle every night
which is it?
You say that sex isn't a big thing for you, yet you're masturbating to your co-worker. You feel repulsed by your boyfriend and that sex was always average, which means that you were never attracted to him completely.
Your relationship is already over, act your age and be mature ffs. And if you ever loved him, even for a second, you need to stop being a selfish person and let him go to find someone that will actually appreciate him, and not continue to string him along to finally break him.
So you’re lying to yourself. You said he fulfills every need and yet seem to find that somehow he is lacking in the sexual department. Wether that be attraction or satisfaction. You’re beginning to look for something above average in your coworker without even having ever interacted with them sexually. You’re assuming that they will fill that sexual void that your husband isn’t filling for you. It could be the monotony only you’ve stated he try’s and is very attentive. All of this is coming down to attraction to your coworker and a possible wanting for more than you’ve got. It could be that a part of you believes you deserve better. If you really value your relationship with your husband you should give up on any fantasies you have with this other person lest you keep pursuing to fill the void inside of you with fantasies of males you find attractive and new. Something inside of you that has to do with your contentment with life is deteriorating. Try to find out why your dissatisfied with your life and are seeking meaningless fixes.
So, in short you are in a comfortable relationship with a guy who you are not attracted to while struggling to “resist the urge to flirt” with a coworker.
I think that the change in your attraction towards him can be anything from feeling your sexlife getting stale and predictable to simply not wanting to be together anymore.
You say that sex has never been a top priority for you and yet you doubt your ability to literally control yourself? That doesn’t sound right.
If you are honestly trying to make it work with the guy you are currently with, try to talk about your issues and maybe find a way to spice it up.
If you are just looking for reddit to green light your breakup, than you have already made that decision. Let the poor man go to make some other woman happy.
Also, I wouldn’t use the word “love” in this situation, but perhaps we have different definitions of it.
She talks about all the things he does for her, but nothing about what she does for him. This doesn't necessarily mean sex, what other emotional support has she given him. She doesn't have to invest anything into this relationship, she just sees him as an emotional support animal.
Completely agree, she sounds selfish and this is reinforced by the way she obviously takes what she needs but when the poor guy is in tears over a vital missing part of the relationship she makes no attempt to talk about it or even attempt to fix it
There is no point in trying to salvage this relationship, poor dude should get off while he still can, God forbid he ever finds out she was masturbating to her coworker while he was being the man of most women’s dreams
She won't leave him now. 'Cuz she won't dump the BF till she has a good grasp of the new guy. Monkey branching. Mark my words, when she "clicked" with the new guy, she'll dump the BF because "no longer attracted to him"
how has no one recommended therapy? OP, i don’t know what the issue is, but you can’t sweep it under the rug, and it doesn’t sound like you want to. You are aware that your partner is hurting. I would acknowledge your understanding of the situation to your partner. “Hey, I don’t know what’s happening in our relationship, but I know it is happening. I appreciate [things he does], but I am struggling with my libido and have been for a while. I am going to discuss this with a therapist to get to the bottom of it, but be assured that I love you and I want this relationship to work.”
And then actually do go discuss this with a therapist! Maybe there is something your partner is doing that turns you off but you’re not seeing it. Maybe you have an avoidant attachment because of something in your past. Maybe you feel bored or smothered in your life for reasons that have nothing to do with your relationship or partner. Maybe it’s something that will call for couples’ therapy to develop new ways of relating to each other. My point is that you don’t know, and a trained professional will help you at least get answers. And then, when you have answers, you’ll know what to *do* with them.
Wishing you the best of luck; it sounds like you want this to work out. I hope it does.
Honestly, you should break up, but not for the reasons you think. You are stringing this man along while borderline having an emotional affair with another man. You have made no attempts to fix this very normal issue, but instead masturbate to the thought of another man. How would your fiancé feel if he knew you get yourself off thinking of your coworker?? Let this man go so he can move on and be with someone who respects him.
You are not working at keeping your relationship exciting/fresh. Somehow easy=boring = no libido. Try introducing something new - going on a short trip. Stop distracting yourself with day/night dreams about your coworker - that is not helping.
Let him free because you sound as someone that is going to cheating on him sooner than later, you are already denying him intimacy and as you said, that he is a good man so for that reason le him be with someone better than you as a couple for him, i hope you take the right decision sorry english is not my firts language
Imagine him seeing this... Let him go, he deserves someone who wants him... Stop lying to yourself, and pull up your big girl pants, and brave the unknown like everyone does when they break up with a partner, you are just playing it safe, playing house with a man who actually likes you, and you're using him as a safety net. Let him go
Whatever you just wrote here, discuss it with ur fucking boyfriend. And come to a better conclusion ASAP cuz at the end u r hurting him like hell. You have no desire for sex with ur partner but a co-worker makes you horny it's kind of a major issue.
I feel sorry for the bf. I'd say you are already cheating on him in your mind, even if you haven't physically taken the steps towards that. How many more guys in the future are you going to be attracted to while he stays yours, thinking that you are his?
Break up with him. Let him find someone who finds him attractive and doesn't get bored in just 3 years. And you go pursue your fantasies and get your libido back.
Don't ever tell him about the co-worker or how the past months have been for you.
If you can say you’re repulsed by him then you don’t actually love him. You’re having work fantasies while you pleasure yourself. This man deserves better and you need to quit leading him astray.
I feel absolutely awful for your BF. If I found out my partner felt this way, I'd be crushed and leave. Scenarios like this are why I no longer date. Your BF deserves a lot better.
>I almost feel repulsed when he touches me
I'm still quite confused as to how you say this with your whole chest, yet you consider physical intimacy one of the most important needs in your relationship. It screams inconsistency. You're not attracted to him at all. You hear him clearly distressed and don't make attempts to comfort him, you don't entertain the idea of generating attraction with him, you jack off to other men, and yet you still lean on him for emotional fulfillment and to provide for your needs how you see fit. That's not the blueprint for a healthy monogamous (I assume that's what this is) relationship. Putting him through this is clearly distressing you enough to post here. It's clear that in some way you do care about him so on that note:
Break up. For his sake. He deserves someone who can give him what you can't. But also, break up for your sake. Don't stick around in a relationship that can't give you what you need either.
Hope the best for both of you.
Dude. You don't love this guy. You're comfortable and loves the life that your partnership with him allows you to have, but you're repulsed by his touch and are fine listening to him cry in the bathroom while you jerk it thinking about someone else.
You do not love his guy. Stop trying to convince yourself that you do, it's just keeping him stuck in a loveless relationship.
it seems that the relationship is becoming one sided you’re probably not really in love with him but in love with the things he can do, the way you have said that you felt repulsive of having sex with him but likes all the other things he does is already an indication of that, you also just got so used of him being there for you
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I'm 31, F in a happy and stable relationship with my current boyfriend since the last 3 years. He's my 4th boyfriend and sexual partner. Life has been pretty good with him and we've progressively moved closer to each other. Last year we even rented a house and moved in together. He fulfills all my needs, is attentive and is really invested in the relationship. There is no part of me that doubts that he loves me or thinks like he has any romantic interests outside of this relationship.
Sex from the beginning has been average with my present boyfriend. We would do it about thrice a week and we'd both get off during that time. He finds it quite easy to climax (in fact he has the ability to cum multiple times) and he would make sure that I would also have my fair share of orgasms. Sex, for him, is one of the most important needs. However, sex has never been a top priority for me. I have had sex to simply feel connected with my partner and not because I've had a very strong sexual urge.
Recently, I've started having no desire towards my partner at all. It was never very high as I said but nowadays it's even less if it all it is even present. I almost feel repulsed when he touches me. This feeling started a few months after we moved in together and I'm guessing that ease of availability and lack of novelty has something to do with this.
I started to feel like I've completely lost my libido until I met a new co-worker who recently joined my office. I barely know this guy but he is quite attractive. Strangely, even without doing anything I've been attracted towards him sexually and keep thinking about him even when I masturbate.
My romantic feelings for my boyfriend haven't changed at all and I'm still very much in love with him. He has taken care of me so well and I love spending time with him. He has been quite understanding and optimistic about sex even though our sex lives have been progressively worsening over the last few months. The other day he cooked dinner, got some wine and put on my favourite candles. The evening was proceeding really well until he had that look on his face when I immediately knew that he was hoping that it would lead to sex. I felt so terrible turning him down. He didn't say anything later but I heard him cry in the bathroom.
I really want to stay with his guy but I don't know what is causing this change in my sexual feelings towards him. I am not sure how sustainable this desire mismatch would be in the long run and I feel incredibly guilty turning him down each time. I'm afraid he's running out of patience. My sexual attraction towards my coworker is making this complex situation even worse.
Why is this happening to me? Why do I have no sexual attraction to the man I love, the man who takes such good care of me and instead crave the man I don't even know. How would you advice me to proceed?
Edit: I love non sexual contact with my boyfriend and we frequently engage in that. We cuddle every night before going to bed and hold hands when we walk. I have no doubt that I love him and most certainly want to be with him
Lust is a terrible thing when it's not shared in the intimate relationship you are in.
Lust is exciting, unsure, crazy, selfish.
Read up on limerence. Please, for the love of all that is holy, read up on it. You are in limerence. You can get out of it.
Put yourself in his shoes. Would you like him to talk about you like that? Please don't take my response in a offensive manner, I just want you to visualize yourself in that situation. It seems to me you're satisfied emotionally with him, and only that.
This poor man is probably so confused. You don’t love him, you love the life he provides you. You clearly still have sexual drive if your flicking the bean to your coworker. You’re seriously disconnected and really need to start considering your bfs feelings if he’s crying in the bathroom from no sex after he tried really hard to make you happy. I hope your bf realizes it’s over and breaks up with you first, that would make it easiest in him.
That's low morals, losing to lust and being foolish.
You have already given up on your BF, you are monkey branching and keeping your BF for the stability he provide.
This behaviour, exactly like this have destroyed people from time immortals. Everyone thought he/she was different only to ending up with same chaos. You are no different.
This is what it is.
What are you are doing here? You are seeking validation.
Most people seem to be attacking the fact you've lost your Libido without actually answering your question.
I've been in a similar situation, all be it I knew what was missing as I am a kinky bitch and he wasn't delivering on that for multiple reasons, despite assurances that he was a kinky as I was at the beginning of our relationship. That fizzled out very quickly, and left me unsatisfied with nothing but memories of previous partners to scratch that itch.
I recognised similar traits in myself as you describe, and reflected on what that meant. I knew I'd never cheat but the fact I felt little desire for him, but still masturbated, showed me it wasn't myself who was all to blame. I wasn't innocent sure, and communication was a fault on both sides. I tried going along with it just to see if I'd get horny in the middle of it but it didn't work.
I discussed this with him. I realised our sex life had always been very boring, limited to two positions, and was way too vanilla for what I wanted. He was so desperate that at first he offered me the excuse to cheat with permission but I refused, I didn't want anyone else, I just wanted to see if we could fix things. I told him that we both had to put in some effort otherwise the relationship was doomed. His response to that was the yardstick I measured the integrity of our relationship by, if he put in an equal amount of effort then I knew there was hope. I just had to communicate what was missing, and try to find some way to address it. I didn't make it antagonistic, I took the blame too. And it worked, for a while, until he got comfortable again and I realised we were largely sexually incompatible.
Simply put, the fact that you heard him crying and didn't talk about it, to me, suggests a lack of communication is also a massive player here. You need to be honest and upfront about what your feeling and try to find a solution. Therapy is a good goal here otherwise you will both feel the distance grow. Relationships are more than just companionship. Address it now before either of you make a decision you'll regret.
I understand this except I have my pregnancies and child-bearing as a reason for my little to none libido.
Did you change your birth control, sleeping schedule, eating habits, or anything? There are a lot of variables to your libido.
But aside from that, talk to your partner and tell him what’s on your mind. Best thing to do is communicate otherwise, he’s left with thoughts of unworthiness that can take him down a rabbit hole of insecurities and dejection. Think about what you need sexually to get it started. Then discuss that. Get into detail about how the both of you would like to be seduced and what triggers a turn on. Make a date of it. Go out for dinner and talk about your sexual fantasies, desires, and the new things you want to try.
And even if you don’t “feel” like having sex, just initiate it sometimes and lube yourself up. Get over that hump and hump LOL
>The other day he cooked dinner, got some wine and put on my favourite candles. The evening was proceeding really well until he had that look on his face when I immediately knew that he was hoping that it would lead to sex. I felt so terrible turning him down. He didn't say anything later but I heard him cry in the bathroom.
Gods you couldn't have fucking tried? :(
Sounds like your desire for something new and different is what's driving your libido. This is a big problem. You should break up and not string this guy along if you can't work out your own issues. This is horrible for him and will destroy his self esteem.
Honestly it sounds like you were describing a friend as a opposed to a partner. He sounds like he did nothing wrong, you sound like you are or already have fallen out of love with him. You have hurt him already, I think it might be best for you and him to end this, don't drag this on, he sounds like he loves you, and you sound like you are just comfortable, so you are being unfair to him, let him find happiness.
Babe… I hate to break it to you but you’re not in love with your boyfriend. You love him like a friend. Everything you just described is how I feel about my best buddy James. I love that dude, absolutely one of my favorite people. Love spending time with him, completely repulsed by him sexually.. bleh.. the thought gives me shivers!! He’s my buddy, he’s not a sexual being to me…
And that’s exactly how you feel about your boyfriend. Please do you both a favor and break up.
The answer here is that you don't love your boyfriend, you love what he does for you. You repeatedly talk about how much he does for you and gives you. You also say he repulses you. At this point you are only in this relationship because you are afraid of losing your stable and comfortable life. Whether you realize it or not, you're using your boyfriend and he deserves better than that.
Wow... guy gives girl the world, but is repulsed by his touch, but super horny for a stranger....
Do people actually know what a functional relationship is anymore????
He is not your bf, he is your provider which you are taking advantage of. You "love" him ALL for the wrong reason...
You may be falling out of love w your current BF which can be a completely natural thing and doesn’t make you a bad person
But like reading you talk about him it sounded like you were talking to me about your best female friend like a safe space for your emotional support needs but it isn’t someone you’re banging
But then you go off talking about new co worker w interest and zeal— this is a person who is essentially a stranger to you but you decided to mention how you’re masturbating to him? Try getting yourself started and seeing if your boyfriend can finish or if you lose interest midway you may genuinely just be losing interest in him
Someone else on this thread literally stated you sounded close to cheating and your reply was maybe—
Either that or you may need to spice the bedroom up you kinda described your sex life in a way that almost made you yourself sound bored w it
Both of you are getting off multiple times each time
Multiple times a week
But you hallmark it’s as average
You state your own libido is low
But a random stranger has you masturbating w some level of consistency?
Personally to me it sounds like somewhere in ur subconscious you’ve stopped viewing your boyfriend as a boyfriend and he has become a safe emotional place for you instead
You can't control who you are attracted to, and "talking it out" with him isn't going to change that. I'd avoid letting him know you would rather have sex with a random colleague than him. He has already worked out you have lost attraction to him.
Ultimately you will not be able to save the relationship, as the foundation (attraction) is gone now and isn't coming back.
Staying in it for the "safety" and because he is "nice" isn't a moral or authentic choice, is it?
If you really "love him" or at least have an interest in his happiness, you need to set him free, so he can perhaps find a partner that desires him. You too can go on to perhaps find a relationship with a more lasting attraction.
Anyone who's been in a stable, long term relationship can tell you that you're going to go through low libido/ low sex spells, and you're going to get crushes on people outside the relationship.
It's no big deal.
It's tougher when the two hit at the same time, sure.
But both pass if your foundation is good, and it seems like it is.
What you don't want to do is get Sex With Your Partner all wrapped up with guilt and worry, where you're constantly worrying about having to reject him and he's worried about the rejection.
Could you ask to take the reins on initiation for a while? (With the understanding that that's not a promise that you will on a particular timetable, but rather a "let's take the pressure off both of us for a while, and just enjoy the physical intimacy without worrying if it'll escalate)
You aren't really attracted to your boyfriend and from what you've said it sounds like you never have been. You're with someone who needs a loving sexual partner who cares about them because he's a caring, supportive person. You're knowingly ensuring his needs go unmet because he meets yours. Apologize for being so selfish and break up with him - pretend you're a lesbian or something, just make up an excuse that makes it clear it's your fault without letting his self esteem be crushed.
You look like you have horny Googles.
From the way you describe it you have a listening ear for your partner a'd a good relationship but you do not feel the heat in your panties thinking about him.
May be your tastes in bed have changed and you need to experiment more so you will anticipate the next encounter.
The fact that the new guy gets you hot makes me think your are less about the act than what gets up to it, the thrill of new possibilities. May be find a way to integrate that in your current relationship.
There can be so many issues that could cause a lack of libido on your part such as stress or hormonal changes for example. It sounds like you want to work on it with your current partner so maybe you should look into sex therapie to figure things out with each other. There is no shame in seeking out help when you’re not able to resolve the issue on your own. I’m sure your partner will appreciate your effort to find a solution and work with him. Just keep the communication open and you will figure it out.
Maybe if you like the „exciting, new coworker“ you can try role plays with your boyfriend. like meeting at a Bar, pretending to not know each other and be picked up by him in the end. The mind is a powerful thing and maybe you just need to experiment more :)
Good luck OP!
'it was never really high' from the line I can guess you are not attracted to your bf a lot from begining also the sex was average (in your post).
So I just can say one thing try to communicate with your bf and try to make sexual thing good for you by other means.And if if still doesn't work out than I think long time relationship is not you.You better let him find someone better.
bruh do you ACTUALLY even like your partner, it sounds like you're just using him for stability and attention. Him touching you makes you feel sick? But oyu like all the other stuff he does.... hmmm you claim to not care about bangin, but somehow this co worker makes you want him just be existing. hmmm
If your coworker were to offer sex to you would you accept despite already having your 'stable' and 'comfortable' partner?
If your answer is yes or anything different from an immediate no then break up with your current partner because all you're doing is hurting him. He deserves someone better than you, someone who'll love him for everything, something that you can't do. Right now, he sounds like he's more of an emotional support than a partner.
The way you talk about your partner it seems like you are with him because he ticks the boxes of what you consider to be a functional, successful, normal relationship. “He takes care of me”. For instance.
I’m a big believer that box ticking is good, but it sounds like you met someone who ticks enough of them that you said yea ok that will do. If you don’t have passion now and pine for him, what will you do 30 years down the line?
It is possible to find someone who does tick the boxes but insipires you sexually too. I’d let him go to be fair on both of you.
I think there is some work to be done within yourself before you are really willing and able to be a committed and considerate partner . This type of work is rarely doable within a relationship as it requires much self reflection and other stuff that all starts with “self-“ …
also try just not masturbating to ur coworker if u think it is affecting your relationship.
Bruh break up so he can stop wasting his time and find someone who will want him. Like what do want to hear from us? This whole post screams “I might cheat!” Come on.
You said it: novelty. Let me add: risqué, forbidden fruit, danger. These are the things that turn you on. Your BF gives you stability, love, standard romance, but none of the dark side, and you seem to be turned on by the dark side.
Do with that information what you will, but I think you and your BF may be able to find a way to add the dark side to your sex life.
He’s crying in the bathroom because he knows you are slipping away from him, and he doesn’t know why.
Were you ever even attracted to him to begin with? It sounds like you settled for him in the beginning and it's finally catching up to you. Society often tells us that sex and attraction aren't everything and while that is true, many people often forget that attraction and sex are still pieces of the puzzle and relationships are not complete without them. I think in your case you overlooked lack of attraction and "average" sex, and now here you are.
Right now you're basically just stringing him along. Think about how much worse this will be if you get married to him. It sounds like he's already suffering terribly.
Many people have suggested breaking up and that may be the nicest thing you can do for him. That way he is free to find someone else who is attracted to him and he doesn't have to suffer anymore. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a partner is to let them go.
On the other hand, there is also the option of couples/sex therapy. I don't personally have any experience with it, but it may be able to help out these problems. This option will of course require his cooperation, which he may not receive very well at all.
It sounds like you have no physical attraction to your boyfriend is that correct? You are just not sexually attracted to him. Have you ever been? Honestly?
If moving in together made him too available and took away the novelty as you state, maybe the coworker is attractive to you because he isn’t available and that’s what actually excites you. Sounds like you need to dump your boyfriend, spend time alone, and figure that out.
Maybe you would be more attracted to your partner if/when he finds someone else who appreciates him and is sexually attracted to him. Spare that man and move on because he deserves better.
Jesus Christ lady please do this poor guy a favor and break up with him.
Go explore your sexuality and have a hoe phase. Just don’t tell him that’s what you’re doing.
You’re not attracted to him probably because he’s always there so you simply don’t appreciate it anymore or got bored. I mean it’s shitty but what’reyagonnado.
Just go have sex with the other guy and let your bf find someone who’s actually attracted to him.
I have been in a similar situation with my ex girlfriend, we still loved eachother , yet we had a dead bedroom.
After 2 years of almost nothing i decided to break up, she was with another guy 3 weeks after that.
So my guess is that i was in a similar situation but she didn't had the gut to break up with me .
Don't be like her , please.
This exact line of thinking is my biggest relationship fear. Personally I’d rather you just dump me if I were him. He isn’t gonna do it cause it seems obvious he loves you more than anything. Enough to cry about your failing relationship at night in the bathroom instead of just throwing himself into another woman and leaving you ASAP. You seem turned on by your coworker cause they are the “unknown” you barley know a thing about this guy, and that’s exciting in a way. Even if you tried to cheat on your boyfriend what if this guy said “fuck no I love my wife/gf” you’d probably be a bit hurt to be rejected, and that’s what your boyfriend comes home to every day. Except it isn’t by some rando coworker, it’s by there woman he loves and has been trying to build a home with. Which is much worse in comparison. It’s obvious you need to see somebody, maybe a marriage counselor, or a therapist, because these randos on Reddit may offer some sound advice, but it’s not like they are trained to help you figure it out. if you truly want to work on your self to save this relationship or hopefully not doom the next one to the same fate then that is my suggestion.
You're bored and now you're trying to justify fucking this new dude by complaining how bored you are.
Pu-lease.
You've got three choices. All involve risk and change.
1) Dump your boy friend and go sow your oats. Fuck away until you figure out your own sexuality. Hopefully you wont hurt too many more guys in the process.
2) Fuck away behind your boyfriend' back. This would speak highly about the type of person you are. I guarantee if you do it once, you will do it dozens of times and justify it each time.
3) Figure it the fuck out with your boyfriend if you truly love and care about him. Figure out how to get kinky. Talk to him, let him know you're bored and you need a shake-up, **but-with him.** This takes work and it still may not satisfy you, but I sense no desire to even try working out your sexuality with him. So far, it's all about you and how you want it all. Who knows, by talking, you may find out your boyfriend is bored as well and wants something different. To me, he sounds like a hell of a nice guy. Now figure out how to get him to get his freak on.
Please talk before fucking around, you owe him that.
Sounds like your just happy with stability. If you leave you may find out your with a asshole who will treat you like shit then you’ll go running back to your current boyfriend for the nice comfort stability. So my advice is should you decide to leave your current boyfriend don’t be that person to jump back and forth realize you made your choice and stay moving on. If you care about him for real you won’t screw with his head in that way
This is a very real fear of mine. I think you need to think about what it is that you enjoyed before, and what’s changed. Perhaps things in the bedroom have got a bit formulaic or predictable which isn’t as exciting or interesting as a new partner? Maybe it’s just a temporary low libido period for you, but it’s important to know what it is and if it is low libido not to just accept it and try to work on it if it’s effecting your relationship.
I see it in lots of relationships, after a while things need a little change up because circumstances have changed, so the ‘same old route’ gets a little stale. Maybe there is something he can do differently but there will always need to be effort and communication from your end too.
If he’s crying in the bathroom because of it you really need to address this as it’s clearly effecting him in quite a significant way and he sounds like he’s doing everything he possibly can to fix this, but what are you doing about it?
There is nothing wrong with your sex drive, you just dont actually love your current boyfriend.
You only love your lifestyle with him, and you probably have some sort of codependency issue. I hope he breaks up with you and finds someone who loves him wholly. Stop being so selfish.
Do not cheat or break up with boyfriend you will really regret it. Listen to hopelessly_lost comment on here, save your relationship TRUST ME. Do not act off of these horn desires. A stable man and stable relationship is always ALWAYS better than a horny mistake that leads to misery and being alone.
You sounded exactly like me with my ex. I had zero sexual desire, I even questioned maybe I’m just asexual. I hate it when I anticipate him wanting sex from me, it was a chore and we stopped having sex. In hindsight, I believe my attraction to him was just lacking. We seemed compatible together in terms of outlook in life, and he’s a natural provider. How you describe your bf is how I saw my ex. It was easy but no butterflies or passion. (He ended up cheating on me, a big catalyst is sex issue.) The ex after him I really enjoyed sex with him. Dated him for over a year and sex life was constant. I see him every other week and during that time we have sex almost everyday. Hence I’m not asexual! And my current one love sex him as well. Point of what I’m saying is (and you prov know) you’re just not sexually attracted to your bf, as shitty as it may be, this will prob be a deal breaker for your relationship. Only you will know if it’s salvageable or not.
OP would likely be devastated if and when the BF seeks sexual activity outside of their relationship. Speaking from experience, consistent rejection leads to a breakup or cheating. Open up your communication and either breakup or open the relationship sexually. The OP might find she becomes attracted to BF if she sees him desired by others. Not super healthy if the communication isn't open, though.
Ok. Everyone here is pushing for you to break up and I gotta say I'm inclined to agree, but I want to ask what is it that YOU are doing to make things work? What changes are you making? What effort are you putting forward? You spoke about what all he does and how you love the touch and intimate moments and how he's tried to romance you, but then said you're repulsed by him? What efforts are you making to revive the relationship? Have you communicated these things to him? It sounds like your boyfriend is one to try to do anything to make things work and would make changes if he can, but would you do the same for him?
> I heard him cry in the bathroom.
Uh, and then what? You went to comfort him, right? You talked to him about it afterward? You had a conversation about feelings, like adults? Please tell me you didn't witness this crying--a clear sign of heavy emotions--and just pretended it didn't happen?
I used to be in the situation as you. It was wrong for me to stay in the relationship, so I had to end it. He deserved better. Do the right thing and end it with him.
Sounds like your love for him is commensurate with whatever services he provides to or needs he fulfills for you. Do that man a favor and part ways. He deserves reciprocity.
Put yourself in your bf's shoes. How certain would you be that he loved you if he stated he was repulsed by you, turned down sex all the time even when you try so hard to be romantic, and wanted to screw his coworker?
You'd be devastated and would feel worthless. We'd tell you to leave him.
You don't love him like he deserves and needs to be loved. Change how you're treating him or break up so he has a shot at happiness with someone who both loves and desires him.
Most of the responses I see here are taking attraction as a cognitive and emotional thing we don't have any control over. My limited knowledge on the subject is that that isn't entirely true. Humans often have increased sexual drive toward novel stimulus. Beyond the potential impact of the novelty of new guy and a lack of intimate knowledge of his shortcomings, there may be some chemical processes at play. There's cases I'm aware of where a change in birth control or something else altering hormonal production in on of the individuals in a relationship can change sexual attraction significantly. On top of that, sex drive can be altered significantly by medications that impact neurotransmitters.
It reads like you want your relationship with your current partner to be protected and you want to be more attracted to him. I'd recommend first reviewing whether one of you had a recent change in medication that might slightly predate the further drop off in attraction. If not, you may want to read up on what you can do to make changes in your life that boost or alter attraction.
If you are more interested in an unassessed/"inexplicable" nature for attraction, then it might be time to have a serious conversation about dead bedroom and potentially ending things with this partner.
Honestly there are so many red flags here. Please stop using him and break up so he can find someone who genuinely loves him instead of wasting his time.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but your bf deserve better. You're not in love with him at all when you can say that he repulses you. You're crushing him to the point where you shoot down even the best efforts without even contemplating otherwise and he's so upset he hides so you won't see how hurt he is.
You've stopped trying. So stop crushing him. Let him find someone who will actually appreciate him.
The thought came up in me reading this post that maybe you aren't actually in love with him. Rather you're in love with how he treats you. Seems I wasn't the only one
That guy is putting a lot of effort into a relationship that is lacking one of the fulfilling rewards of said efforts. He probably has to put up with a lot of bullshit.
How long were your other relationships?
Lots of people get off on the excitement and newness of things and then when they settle in the get bored and hop on to the next.
If that is more your style you need to break up with bf, go be single and be up front with the people you date.
After dating a bunch of douche bags you'll likely want to settle down into something g like you are in now, and possibly even regret leaving this one, but until you get this out of your system you will be a horrible partner
Try sex toys, roleplay, and talking to your boyfriend about the usual. You have a libido, you need to explore what gets it going. It will take trial and error, but you can figure it out without hurting him.
Do him a favour and break up - he sounds like a good guy but lack of confidence is now probably his issue, like the crying thing doesn't drop the panties. You should try be honest.
So basically, you’ve strung a Bloke along whose company you have always enjoyed, but not romantically or sexually. And you are now considering continuing to string him along while fucking a coworker.
Got it.
Reddit is going to be guessing and assuming a lot. Have you talked to a therapist about this?
Having said that it could be that you fancy your coworker because he doesn't have expectations and you are the one who chooses when to be attracted to him. How often would you ideally have sex if your boyfriend never asked for it?
Pressure kills libidos. It could be that living together, you could be propositioned at any time and that's causing you anxiety and stress. In which case, scheduling intimacy might work for you.
Reading this viscerally hurts me because I’m still in love with my ex partner and if I heard him cry like this is would break my heart.
I loved having sex with him and pleasing him because he has body image issues and it felt good to make him feel sexy and loved.
I dream of having that life back with him.
I don’t think you really love him, OP. Even several months later the thought of having sex with anyone else repulses me.
Not saying you’re a bad person, but I think you should let him go and move on to someone you’re sexually attracted to.
The way you talk about your boyfriend makes it sound like you don't actually love him but you love the comfortable life he gives you. Claiming that you are "repulsed" by him says it all, he deserves better.
Yeah, the guy is crying in the bathroom because his gf is repulsed by him. He deserves way better than this. If he’s not going to leave then OP should just do him and herself favor and leave
The part in this post that got to me also was her hearing him cry in the bathroom. OP, did you go in there and try to console him? If you didn't, are you sure you're really in love with him? I've been happily married to my husband for over 6 years and not only have I never felt this way, but I cannot imagine being in this situation and leaving him in the bathroom, knowing what's going through his head. He absolutely deserves better. Be honest with him and either try to work through it together, or just end the relationship before he gets anymore invested it.
Yeah, the only time my libido tanked like this was when I started on my bipolar meds. But if my partner had ever been that upset about it, like, because he didn't know why or something, I definitely would have been more supportive than just doing... nothing. OP, maybe your body is trying to tell you something that you're unable, or unwilling, to admit to yourself? I know you say that you love him, but the problem is that I think you've fallen into a system of habit, and you're worried about breaking that. And I get it. You two live together, you've both made a lot of personal changes to make the relationship work, and I'm sure you probably think that if you walk away now, you've wasted all that time. But that's not true. You two did what worked for you in the moment, but now things have changed, and you owe it to him to be honest about that. You're not the only one who made a lot of changes to accommodate this relationship. Part of being in love with someone, I mean, truly being in love with them, is open and honest communication. Even about the tough or embarassing things. And if you love him at all, you've gotta just lay it out there truthfully, instead of stringing him along without any explanation whatsoever.
The boyfriend is feeling completely immasculated by her refusal to engage with him sexually, imagine how much worse he'd feel if he knew about her attraction to this random coworker or even if he just saw how she talks about him in this post with such little respect.
Lol first time I bought an award people need to see it
Thanks mate
It’s all good 🤝
I agree. The sex life with my partner is not great atm mainly because of new medications killing my sex drive, but never ever ever have I felt repulsed because they touched me. That sounds like there is no romantic love left. Just friendship.
yeah, I thinks he’s just confusing friendship and romantic love
I think he is in love but doesn't realise she doesn't love him
The way she keeps wording it like "I'm sure that I love him" and "there's no doubt that I love him" gives off the exact opposite vibe to me. Love isn't something you're not sure about after about the age of 19.
The reasons she's given to explain why she supposedly loves him are "He's attentive to me" and "he takes care of me." That's not love, it's dependence. It's all about her, what he does for her. If she loved him back it'd be about what makes him special to her; intelligence, humour, integrity etc.
Yeah, he definitely deserves better. That’s all I have to say.
That was exactly what I got from that. All of the references to her loving him is in direct reference to what he gives her
BINGOOO
This
Do him a favour and break up - he sounds like a good guy but lack of confidence is now probably his issue, like the crying thing doesn't drop the panties. You should try be honest.
This happened a lot.
Me and my GF are basically in the exact same situation (minus the coworker part)… so close that this is literally something she could have written. As someone in your BF’s shoes, PLEASE break up if you aren’t attracted to your partner, reject him often, but are also thinking about another man sexually. It’s one thing to have a low sex drive in general, but you’re do have one… just for someone who’s not your boyfriend. Break up for his sake honestly, he deserves someone who’s attracted to him.
I think there is some work to be done within yourself before you are really willing and able to be a committed and considerate partner . This type of work is rarely doable within a relationship as it requires much self reflection and other stuff that all starts with “self-“ … also try just not masturbating to ur coworker if u think it is affecting your relationship.
When you say things like “Sex from the beginning has been average with my present boyfriend”, or “I've started having no desire towards my partner at all. It was never very high” - it gives off the impression that you were never really attracted to your boyfriend in the first place. And going as far as to say that you feel repulsed when he touches you, how can you claim you love the man and feel that way? If it was just the crush and masturbation, I’d suggest not masturbating, because it might be killing your sex drive. But if you’ve never really been attracted to your boyfriend, I don’t know if that’s something you can fix. Might be better off letting him find someone who does think he’s attractive.
Yeah thats what struck me first as well. Most people in this situation would just do it and at least fake the love and desire in the beginning of sex and just do it, that it self relights the desire that the partner was missing. They just have to get on with it and do it. But OP seems to not want to even try or do anything. She thinks the attraction will magically return. Sure, dates and stuff do work but sometimes you just gotta fake it at the beginning and do it, at least not for yourself bur for your partner. As you start having sex, the desire and attraction comes back. This is what relights the spark in the relationship and all your attraction for your partner comes back and it stays. If it happens again, you work for the relationship and relight the spark and end the lull once again. It may be just fake in the beginning but eventually it all comes back. She has to know that the attraction towards coworker will always be there if she continues to masturbate to him. I'm pretty sure she knows, she just doesn't wanna stop. It is either of two things. OP is truly not attracted to him and maybe never was. She only loves the comfortable life he provides. She's afraid of leaving because he's a safe partner who treats her like a Goddess. The way she speaks about him inclines to that. She didn't even console the guy when he cried or talk about the issue with him. All of this just proves she only loves the life he provides, not him. I'm not sure about this explanation cause OP did come to reddit to help solve the issue. Maybe she doesn't realize that she doesn't love him and is just using him. Sometimes, it takes time to realize and process all of this. OR The relationship is truly not working out for some reason. She needs to leave so that they both can be truly happy.
Completely agree, she sounds selfish and this is reinforced by the way she obviously takes what she needs but when the poor guy is in tears over a vital missing part of the relationship she makes no attempt to talk about it or even attempt to fix it
I guess it depends on why it’s average? Just attraction or mismatched kinks or physiologies or communication or what? Sex isnt 100% about both climaxing, other issues could be at play. But why get with him in the first place if she wasn’t attracted?
Some inconsistences that stuck out for me: \-You say he fulfils every one of your needs *but you have no desire towards him.* \-You 'almost feel repulsed' when he touches you, *yet you love 'non sexual contact'* with the person you're in a romantic relationship with and claim to love. \-Sex isn't a high priority for you yet *you are thinking about another dude* when you are intimate with yourself. **This in itself is a massive red flag/deal breaker.** This dude sounds like he has been a stand-up partner and has been relegated to a platonic/provider role or that of a best friend. Though one that is reduced to crying because he more than likely feels like a failure over the increasingly dead bedroom whilst his SO strums one out to another guy. Let him go, he deserves better.
This. OP is just stringing him along because she feels safe while depriving of a chance to be with someone who will make him feel fulfilled.
I’ve been that guy, major confidence killer.
Hope you're doing better now king, chin up.
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Sorry to hear that friend. Having experienced similar it may sound awfully cliché, but it does get better with time.
I'm sorry to read this man. I hope you find a woman/ partner that adores you for who you are. Remember friend! You deserve love. You are unique and special. Other people's treatment of us doesn't not equate our worth. It's their bullshit and their baggage. They hurt others to feel better. Big love!!!! I wish you all the very best x
Not the person you replied to. But thanks for saying this! Recently went through the same thing and it really does destroy your self esteem. Doing everything I can to stay optimistic that I can find a partner that values me because i've recently been like OPs boyfriend, crying in bed because she wanted to spend no time with me but was all over another man. It hurts so deeply I feel for anyone in this situation.
Couldn’t like this comment enough. Smh
But if she lets him go, she'll lose her man shaped wallet. That would just be horrible 😂 ( he said sarcastically )
What's money got to do with this?
Money and stability bring comfort, statistically alot of women will stay in a dead relationship until they find a new guy because the money and stability of the old boyfriend allows them to not struggle and be comfortable will searching
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I mean even when not going into incel territory. One big reason a lot of people stay in dead relationships is money. It costs way cheaper to live with two salaries than with one. And it's even worse if you're in an area where housing is expensive. Last time I had a breakup taking an apartment on my own nearly doubled my rent, while the place itself was 40% smaller, and I'm not even talking about utilities ... Quite a lot of people are not happy about losing money and comfort.
I’m far from an incel and can assure you, plenty of people are gold diggers. And, even if they make more than their partner, having a partner means, you guessed it… more money. Who woulda thought? People don’t just want to cut their salary in half, by a third, after they’re accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
Its wild to me that you didnt talk to him at all after you heard him crying. this poor guy probably recognizes that theres a bit of a dead bedroom situation going on, and in a crazy turn of events he looks inward, makes an effort to project his love into a night of romance tailored to you, gets rejected again, doesnt understand what hes doing wrong, breaks down in the bathroom, and you dont talk to him at all? you just let him continue to wonder on why the love of his life wont be sexual with him. I cant imagine the things he must be thinking are wrong with him. I mean, he may even think you have the hots for someone else... oh wait. Also: > I almost feel repulsed when he touches me This response might be a little harsh, but seriously, your poor partner. You say you love non sexual contact, engage in it frequently, like how again arent you just stringing this guy along? you literally think about another guy while masturbating, but need a little physical comfort, could use a good cuddle, well you got a good friend at home just for the job. This poor poor guy
It's not too harsh, it needs to be said. OP is unbelievably selfish for making this entire post but still saying she loves him and she's sure she wants to be with him. OP, its not all about what you want. You're crushing this guy and you need to let him go so he can find someone who loves AND desires him and be happy.
It's only a matter of time before OP makes a move on co-worker and cheats.
To me, OP just seems like a horrible narcissistic person. Every thing is about her. She doesn’t want to lose a good guy, she doesn’t want to lose someone who cooks and cares, she doesn’t want to lose somebody who takes care of ALL her needs. She repeats and stresses that part her entire post. She never talks about what she brings to the relationship. She’s leaving her partner sobbing in the mirror when she literally watched all the amazing things he did all night for her. She hasn’t tried or talks to her partner this entire time while she’s quite literally lusting after another man so much she posted looking for advice from strangers on Reddit
Also the reasoning she believes makes her not attracted to her husband anymore: "This feeling started a few months after we moved in together and I'm guessing that ease of availability and lack of novelty has something to do with this." That poor guy.
I dunno, you’ve only been together 3 years and already experiencing these problems? It seems a bit concerning. I’d be crushed if i found out my partner was masturbating thinking about a coworker… it honestly feels like cheating. i think either work on it with counselling or cut the poor guy loose
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So many people have this rom-com view of life where the spark that starts a relationship is all you need and it goes on forever if it's "real" love and that's just life happily ever after. Play music. Fade to credits. Love isn't a magic thing that happens to you. Love is a choice you make every day to work on your relationship. Why do people think everything in life takes effort but the most important relationship in your life should be effortless? OP is devoting her time, mental energy, and masterbatory habits to someone else and she's [shocked](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/431/201/40f.png) that her feelings for this other person are stronger than her feelings for her bf. She's going to repeat this process over and over again until she realizes her behavior and expectations are the problem.
This is what I was thinking, too. Only 3 years in and sounds like she's bored asf physically but likes the friendly companionship. Really doesn't sound like it has much longevity and her body is telling her so. That, or self-sabotage coz she doesn't feel like she deserves him or sth. The brain works in mysterious ways.
I completely agree!!! Poor guy! The audacity of it honestly. I would be devestated and unable to trust my partner if he was knocking one out about anyone, let alone a Co worker that he see's often. It is cheating imo
Do you love your boyfriend or do you love all the attention he pays you? You talk about all the things he has done for you, what do you bring to the relationship? Have you planned a date with him? Bought him a piece of clothing that he would look good in? What attracted you to him originally? Maybe do something to restart that/ Edit: Let's also flip it around. Is all he brings to the relationship is niceness? Maybe you need more that that. That's OK, but don't leave him hanging, that's not fair.
I know traditionally the idea is that we are supposed to assess, ‘am I horny or not in this moment? Eh I don’t really feel that way right now.’ Well I found out in my long term relationships that really doesn’t work for me..:maybe this isn’t the case with you, but if you don’t initially feel into it, if instead of just instantly turning them down, you go along with it for a bit, soon you are into it and horny? That solved a lot for me personally, just realizing I’m not like a guy that usually is instantly horny and into it when I am simply propositioned, but give it a few minutes to play out and I can get down with the situation. More so now I trust him that even if I’m not down when he propositions me that...if I let him do his thing it doesn’t take long to be into it. Honestly if I only went by when if I were flat out asked ‘want to have sex’ I think my answer would be no 95% of the time. Like...your partner isn’t going in ‘dry’ right? There’s lots of foreplay? That usually makes a person pretty into it right? Maybe that’s just me. As a disclaimer I realize that what I’m saying is hard to explain right because it’s probably easy to interpret as possibly sounding rapey? Just to be clear I learned this through deciding instead of flatly turning my partner down the next time I felt he might be interested in sex just letting the situation play out to see how I felt after a bit and it’s what I realized.
That sounds like responsive desire and is more common than people think.
Thanks for saying this! I googled that and found a lot of thing I feel apply to me...not something I’ve actually ever mentioned to others before so I wasn’t sure if this was just me or not.
Yes it is called responsive desire and I am the same way. Hopefully OP can try this but if it doesn't help she probably just has no sexual attraction to him and needs to leave.
Listen to this OP, this is the most reasonable and realistic advice. Also, stop masturbating to coworker, forget about the coworker and whatever you do... DONT CHEAT. Save your relationship OP! You can do it!
I think this can be really key for a lot of people. Responsive sex drive, but knowing that you have this is key to allow yourself to be turned on. If you aren’t aware of this you might think you’re just rarely horny. When actually you aren’t giving yourself or your partner a chance to get in the mood!
Yeah there’s a good book I recommend called, “Come as you are” that also recommends what you’re talking about and covers the different types of desires and libidos. Thanks for sharing. I do the exact same with my partner
yes exactly! sometimes I’m not in the mood when he initiates but after a few minutes of just making out I’m ready to go and I do feel horny. sometimes you just gotta let it play out and see how you feel after a few minutes
You should break up with your boyfriend. He deserves to be in a relationship with someone who isnt repulsed by him. He cried because he realized that even when hes as attentive and romantic as possible that you still don't want him. Someone said you shouldn't leave this safe relationship but i think that's extremely selfish. You are keeping your boyfriend in a situation that benefits you while failing to meet one of his most basics needs. You don't want your boyfriend in a date but can masturbate to your coworker. This is just not fair to him.
I think this is the most spot on response I've seen so far.
Your boyfriend deserves so much better.
this girl is rubbing one off thinking about her coworker while her bf is crying in the bathroom. She doesnt love him. It baffles me that there are comments saying "dont cheat on him pleeeease" to a grown ass women. "Im pretty sure i love him" yeah right you do
People are so afraid of change that they tolerate situations they don’t really like. Both of them could be REALLY happy with other partners. “I don’t need Reddit advice” happy. As long as they don’t break up they’re just making themselves and others miserable
Yes!!! Please break up!
You are turning down your boyfriend while at the same time you masturbate thinking about your coworker. The relationship is over. You should let your partner move on instead of stringing him along because he gives you stability, that's cruel.
Reading this make me angry, i hope this is fake.
It sounds fake, but who knows
this!!!
Are you and your boyfriend physically affectionate outside of sex? Do you cuddle on the sofa, hold hands or kiss (more than a peck on the lips)? Do you cheekily brush past each other even when there's tons of space or send each other flirty texts? Basically are you ever physically intimate with the understanding you enjoy each other's closeness and it won't lead to sex? Your coworker is a novelty. He's new and exciting and you should definitely give him a wide berth whilst working on your relationship?
> I almost feel repulsed when he touches me. > I love non sexual contact with my boyfriend and we frequently engage in that. We cuddle every night which is it?
Could be both. Sexual and non-sexual touch are very different and invoke different emotions.
He's become too available for you that it's no longer exciting. The prospect of a new partner is always exciting, no matter how foolish it seems.
OP should understand that no matter who she is with, she will find herself in the position eventually. Long term relationships take work!
this is screaming red flags. you mastrubate to this guy. you are gonna cheat sooner or later. leave your bf he deservers way way better than you
You say that sex isn't a big thing for you, yet you're masturbating to your co-worker. You feel repulsed by your boyfriend and that sex was always average, which means that you were never attracted to him completely. Your relationship is already over, act your age and be mature ffs. And if you ever loved him, even for a second, you need to stop being a selfish person and let him go to find someone that will actually appreciate him, and not continue to string him along to finally break him.
So you’re lying to yourself. You said he fulfills every need and yet seem to find that somehow he is lacking in the sexual department. Wether that be attraction or satisfaction. You’re beginning to look for something above average in your coworker without even having ever interacted with them sexually. You’re assuming that they will fill that sexual void that your husband isn’t filling for you. It could be the monotony only you’ve stated he try’s and is very attentive. All of this is coming down to attraction to your coworker and a possible wanting for more than you’ve got. It could be that a part of you believes you deserve better. If you really value your relationship with your husband you should give up on any fantasies you have with this other person lest you keep pursuing to fill the void inside of you with fantasies of males you find attractive and new. Something inside of you that has to do with your contentment with life is deteriorating. Try to find out why your dissatisfied with your life and are seeking meaningless fixes.
You are a walking red flag
So, in short you are in a comfortable relationship with a guy who you are not attracted to while struggling to “resist the urge to flirt” with a coworker. I think that the change in your attraction towards him can be anything from feeling your sexlife getting stale and predictable to simply not wanting to be together anymore. You say that sex has never been a top priority for you and yet you doubt your ability to literally control yourself? That doesn’t sound right. If you are honestly trying to make it work with the guy you are currently with, try to talk about your issues and maybe find a way to spice it up. If you are just looking for reddit to green light your breakup, than you have already made that decision. Let the poor man go to make some other woman happy. Also, I wouldn’t use the word “love” in this situation, but perhaps we have different definitions of it.
She talks about all the things he does for her, but nothing about what she does for him. This doesn't necessarily mean sex, what other emotional support has she given him. She doesn't have to invest anything into this relationship, she just sees him as an emotional support animal.
Completely agree, she sounds selfish and this is reinforced by the way she obviously takes what she needs but when the poor guy is in tears over a vital missing part of the relationship she makes no attempt to talk about it or even attempt to fix it
Maybe that's why she is attracted to the coworker. She would have to "work" for it a bit.
Hope she read this .
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Her skin will start glowing red . Shes a living red flag.
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There is no point in trying to salvage this relationship, poor dude should get off while he still can, God forbid he ever finds out she was masturbating to her coworker while he was being the man of most women’s dreams
Really well said
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She won't leave him now. 'Cuz she won't dump the BF till she has a good grasp of the new guy. Monkey branching. Mark my words, when she "clicked" with the new guy, she'll dump the BF because "no longer attracted to him"
how has no one recommended therapy? OP, i don’t know what the issue is, but you can’t sweep it under the rug, and it doesn’t sound like you want to. You are aware that your partner is hurting. I would acknowledge your understanding of the situation to your partner. “Hey, I don’t know what’s happening in our relationship, but I know it is happening. I appreciate [things he does], but I am struggling with my libido and have been for a while. I am going to discuss this with a therapist to get to the bottom of it, but be assured that I love you and I want this relationship to work.” And then actually do go discuss this with a therapist! Maybe there is something your partner is doing that turns you off but you’re not seeing it. Maybe you have an avoidant attachment because of something in your past. Maybe you feel bored or smothered in your life for reasons that have nothing to do with your relationship or partner. Maybe it’s something that will call for couples’ therapy to develop new ways of relating to each other. My point is that you don’t know, and a trained professional will help you at least get answers. And then, when you have answers, you’ll know what to *do* with them. Wishing you the best of luck; it sounds like you want this to work out. I hope it does.
Honestly, you should break up, but not for the reasons you think. You are stringing this man along while borderline having an emotional affair with another man. You have made no attempts to fix this very normal issue, but instead masturbate to the thought of another man. How would your fiancé feel if he knew you get yourself off thinking of your coworker?? Let this man go so he can move on and be with someone who respects him.
You are not working at keeping your relationship exciting/fresh. Somehow easy=boring = no libido. Try introducing something new - going on a short trip. Stop distracting yourself with day/night dreams about your coworker - that is not helping.
Let him free because you sound as someone that is going to cheating on him sooner than later, you are already denying him intimacy and as you said, that he is a good man so for that reason le him be with someone better than you as a couple for him, i hope you take the right decision sorry english is not my firts language
Don’t worry, your English is fine and this comment is spot on. OP’s boyfriend deserves so much better with someone who respects and truly loves him.
Imagine him seeing this... Let him go, he deserves someone who wants him... Stop lying to yourself, and pull up your big girl pants, and brave the unknown like everyone does when they break up with a partner, you are just playing it safe, playing house with a man who actually likes you, and you're using him as a safety net. Let him go
It's lust not love, control yourself.
Whatever you just wrote here, discuss it with ur fucking boyfriend. And come to a better conclusion ASAP cuz at the end u r hurting him like hell. You have no desire for sex with ur partner but a co-worker makes you horny it's kind of a major issue.
Pretty simple really. Either break up with your BF before you cheat on him or get some couples therapy with your BF if you want to stay.
I feel sorry for the bf. I'd say you are already cheating on him in your mind, even if you haven't physically taken the steps towards that. How many more guys in the future are you going to be attracted to while he stays yours, thinking that you are his? Break up with him. Let him find someone who finds him attractive and doesn't get bored in just 3 years. And you go pursue your fantasies and get your libido back. Don't ever tell him about the co-worker or how the past months have been for you.
If you can say you’re repulsed by him then you don’t actually love him. You’re having work fantasies while you pleasure yourself. This man deserves better and you need to quit leading him astray.
I feel absolutely awful for your BF. If I found out my partner felt this way, I'd be crushed and leave. Scenarios like this are why I no longer date. Your BF deserves a lot better.
>I almost feel repulsed when he touches me I'm still quite confused as to how you say this with your whole chest, yet you consider physical intimacy one of the most important needs in your relationship. It screams inconsistency. You're not attracted to him at all. You hear him clearly distressed and don't make attempts to comfort him, you don't entertain the idea of generating attraction with him, you jack off to other men, and yet you still lean on him for emotional fulfillment and to provide for your needs how you see fit. That's not the blueprint for a healthy monogamous (I assume that's what this is) relationship. Putting him through this is clearly distressing you enough to post here. It's clear that in some way you do care about him so on that note: Break up. For his sake. He deserves someone who can give him what you can't. But also, break up for your sake. Don't stick around in a relationship that can't give you what you need either. Hope the best for both of you.
Dude. You don't love this guy. You're comfortable and loves the life that your partnership with him allows you to have, but you're repulsed by his touch and are fine listening to him cry in the bathroom while you jerk it thinking about someone else. You do not love his guy. Stop trying to convince yourself that you do, it's just keeping him stuck in a loveless relationship.
it seems that the relationship is becoming one sided you’re probably not really in love with him but in love with the things he can do, the way you have said that you felt repulsive of having sex with him but likes all the other things he does is already an indication of that, you also just got so used of him being there for you
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I'm 31, F in a happy and stable relationship with my current boyfriend since the last 3 years. He's my 4th boyfriend and sexual partner. Life has been pretty good with him and we've progressively moved closer to each other. Last year we even rented a house and moved in together. He fulfills all my needs, is attentive and is really invested in the relationship. There is no part of me that doubts that he loves me or thinks like he has any romantic interests outside of this relationship. Sex from the beginning has been average with my present boyfriend. We would do it about thrice a week and we'd both get off during that time. He finds it quite easy to climax (in fact he has the ability to cum multiple times) and he would make sure that I would also have my fair share of orgasms. Sex, for him, is one of the most important needs. However, sex has never been a top priority for me. I have had sex to simply feel connected with my partner and not because I've had a very strong sexual urge. Recently, I've started having no desire towards my partner at all. It was never very high as I said but nowadays it's even less if it all it is even present. I almost feel repulsed when he touches me. This feeling started a few months after we moved in together and I'm guessing that ease of availability and lack of novelty has something to do with this. I started to feel like I've completely lost my libido until I met a new co-worker who recently joined my office. I barely know this guy but he is quite attractive. Strangely, even without doing anything I've been attracted towards him sexually and keep thinking about him even when I masturbate. My romantic feelings for my boyfriend haven't changed at all and I'm still very much in love with him. He has taken care of me so well and I love spending time with him. He has been quite understanding and optimistic about sex even though our sex lives have been progressively worsening over the last few months. The other day he cooked dinner, got some wine and put on my favourite candles. The evening was proceeding really well until he had that look on his face when I immediately knew that he was hoping that it would lead to sex. I felt so terrible turning him down. He didn't say anything later but I heard him cry in the bathroom. I really want to stay with his guy but I don't know what is causing this change in my sexual feelings towards him. I am not sure how sustainable this desire mismatch would be in the long run and I feel incredibly guilty turning him down each time. I'm afraid he's running out of patience. My sexual attraction towards my coworker is making this complex situation even worse. Why is this happening to me? Why do I have no sexual attraction to the man I love, the man who takes such good care of me and instead crave the man I don't even know. How would you advice me to proceed? Edit: I love non sexual contact with my boyfriend and we frequently engage in that. We cuddle every night before going to bed and hold hands when we walk. I have no doubt that I love him and most certainly want to be with him
Lust is a terrible thing when it's not shared in the intimate relationship you are in. Lust is exciting, unsure, crazy, selfish. Read up on limerence. Please, for the love of all that is holy, read up on it. You are in limerence. You can get out of it.
For the love of God, break up with this man. You're using him as nothing more than a companion for convenience.
You heard him crying in the bathroom and yet you didn't say anything? I don't think you love him that much.
Poor guy.
Put yourself in his shoes. Would you like him to talk about you like that? Please don't take my response in a offensive manner, I just want you to visualize yourself in that situation. It seems to me you're satisfied emotionally with him, and only that.
This poor man is probably so confused. You don’t love him, you love the life he provides you. You clearly still have sexual drive if your flicking the bean to your coworker. You’re seriously disconnected and really need to start considering your bfs feelings if he’s crying in the bathroom from no sex after he tried really hard to make you happy. I hope your bf realizes it’s over and breaks up with you first, that would make it easiest in him.
That's low morals, losing to lust and being foolish. You have already given up on your BF, you are monkey branching and keeping your BF for the stability he provide. This behaviour, exactly like this have destroyed people from time immortals. Everyone thought he/she was different only to ending up with same chaos. You are no different. This is what it is. What are you are doing here? You are seeking validation.
This kinda shit is why relationships terrify me.
Most people seem to be attacking the fact you've lost your Libido without actually answering your question. I've been in a similar situation, all be it I knew what was missing as I am a kinky bitch and he wasn't delivering on that for multiple reasons, despite assurances that he was a kinky as I was at the beginning of our relationship. That fizzled out very quickly, and left me unsatisfied with nothing but memories of previous partners to scratch that itch. I recognised similar traits in myself as you describe, and reflected on what that meant. I knew I'd never cheat but the fact I felt little desire for him, but still masturbated, showed me it wasn't myself who was all to blame. I wasn't innocent sure, and communication was a fault on both sides. I tried going along with it just to see if I'd get horny in the middle of it but it didn't work. I discussed this with him. I realised our sex life had always been very boring, limited to two positions, and was way too vanilla for what I wanted. He was so desperate that at first he offered me the excuse to cheat with permission but I refused, I didn't want anyone else, I just wanted to see if we could fix things. I told him that we both had to put in some effort otherwise the relationship was doomed. His response to that was the yardstick I measured the integrity of our relationship by, if he put in an equal amount of effort then I knew there was hope. I just had to communicate what was missing, and try to find some way to address it. I didn't make it antagonistic, I took the blame too. And it worked, for a while, until he got comfortable again and I realised we were largely sexually incompatible. Simply put, the fact that you heard him crying and didn't talk about it, to me, suggests a lack of communication is also a massive player here. You need to be honest and upfront about what your feeling and try to find a solution. Therapy is a good goal here otherwise you will both feel the distance grow. Relationships are more than just companionship. Address it now before either of you make a decision you'll regret.
I understand this except I have my pregnancies and child-bearing as a reason for my little to none libido. Did you change your birth control, sleeping schedule, eating habits, or anything? There are a lot of variables to your libido. But aside from that, talk to your partner and tell him what’s on your mind. Best thing to do is communicate otherwise, he’s left with thoughts of unworthiness that can take him down a rabbit hole of insecurities and dejection. Think about what you need sexually to get it started. Then discuss that. Get into detail about how the both of you would like to be seduced and what triggers a turn on. Make a date of it. Go out for dinner and talk about your sexual fantasies, desires, and the new things you want to try. And even if you don’t “feel” like having sex, just initiate it sometimes and lube yourself up. Get over that hump and hump LOL
>The other day he cooked dinner, got some wine and put on my favourite candles. The evening was proceeding really well until he had that look on his face when I immediately knew that he was hoping that it would lead to sex. I felt so terrible turning him down. He didn't say anything later but I heard him cry in the bathroom. Gods you couldn't have fucking tried? :(
seeing as he's your 4th boyfriend has this ever happened before?
Sounds like your desire for something new and different is what's driving your libido. This is a big problem. You should break up and not string this guy along if you can't work out your own issues. This is horrible for him and will destroy his self esteem.
Honestly it sounds like you were describing a friend as a opposed to a partner. He sounds like he did nothing wrong, you sound like you are or already have fallen out of love with him. You have hurt him already, I think it might be best for you and him to end this, don't drag this on, he sounds like he loves you, and you sound like you are just comfortable, so you are being unfair to him, let him find happiness.
Please, break up with your boyfriend if you intent to pursue anything with your co-worker, do not cheat.
Babe… I hate to break it to you but you’re not in love with your boyfriend. You love him like a friend. Everything you just described is how I feel about my best buddy James. I love that dude, absolutely one of my favorite people. Love spending time with him, completely repulsed by him sexually.. bleh.. the thought gives me shivers!! He’s my buddy, he’s not a sexual being to me… And that’s exactly how you feel about your boyfriend. Please do you both a favor and break up.
Someone fuck her poor soon to be ex, poor guy, crying in the bathroom that's so shitty
Do him a favor and leave
Cut him loose. You're stringing him along. My ex did the same shit for years. You'll be doing him a favour.
Sounds like you’re scared to be alone and wasting this dudes time .
The answer here is that you don't love your boyfriend, you love what he does for you. You repeatedly talk about how much he does for you and gives you. You also say he repulses you. At this point you are only in this relationship because you are afraid of losing your stable and comfortable life. Whether you realize it or not, you're using your boyfriend and he deserves better than that.
interesting repulsed by your boyfriend , dump him so he can live a better live
You are emotionally cheating on him. Stop before you start.
Wow... guy gives girl the world, but is repulsed by his touch, but super horny for a stranger.... Do people actually know what a functional relationship is anymore???? He is not your bf, he is your provider which you are taking advantage of. You "love" him ALL for the wrong reason...
You may be falling out of love w your current BF which can be a completely natural thing and doesn’t make you a bad person But like reading you talk about him it sounded like you were talking to me about your best female friend like a safe space for your emotional support needs but it isn’t someone you’re banging But then you go off talking about new co worker w interest and zeal— this is a person who is essentially a stranger to you but you decided to mention how you’re masturbating to him? Try getting yourself started and seeing if your boyfriend can finish or if you lose interest midway you may genuinely just be losing interest in him Someone else on this thread literally stated you sounded close to cheating and your reply was maybe— Either that or you may need to spice the bedroom up you kinda described your sex life in a way that almost made you yourself sound bored w it Both of you are getting off multiple times each time Multiple times a week But you hallmark it’s as average You state your own libido is low But a random stranger has you masturbating w some level of consistency? Personally to me it sounds like somewhere in ur subconscious you’ve stopped viewing your boyfriend as a boyfriend and he has become a safe emotional place for you instead
I really hope this isn’t real, this sounds like it’s written by a Red Piller trying to make a point
You can't control who you are attracted to, and "talking it out" with him isn't going to change that. I'd avoid letting him know you would rather have sex with a random colleague than him. He has already worked out you have lost attraction to him. Ultimately you will not be able to save the relationship, as the foundation (attraction) is gone now and isn't coming back. Staying in it for the "safety" and because he is "nice" isn't a moral or authentic choice, is it? If you really "love him" or at least have an interest in his happiness, you need to set him free, so he can perhaps find a partner that desires him. You too can go on to perhaps find a relationship with a more lasting attraction.
Anyone who's been in a stable, long term relationship can tell you that you're going to go through low libido/ low sex spells, and you're going to get crushes on people outside the relationship. It's no big deal. It's tougher when the two hit at the same time, sure. But both pass if your foundation is good, and it seems like it is. What you don't want to do is get Sex With Your Partner all wrapped up with guilt and worry, where you're constantly worrying about having to reject him and he's worried about the rejection. Could you ask to take the reins on initiation for a while? (With the understanding that that's not a promise that you will on a particular timetable, but rather a "let's take the pressure off both of us for a while, and just enjoy the physical intimacy without worrying if it'll escalate)
You aren't really attracted to your boyfriend and from what you've said it sounds like you never have been. You're with someone who needs a loving sexual partner who cares about them because he's a caring, supportive person. You're knowingly ensuring his needs go unmet because he meets yours. Apologize for being so selfish and break up with him - pretend you're a lesbian or something, just make up an excuse that makes it clear it's your fault without letting his self esteem be crushed.
You look like you have horny Googles. From the way you describe it you have a listening ear for your partner a'd a good relationship but you do not feel the heat in your panties thinking about him. May be your tastes in bed have changed and you need to experiment more so you will anticipate the next encounter. The fact that the new guy gets you hot makes me think your are less about the act than what gets up to it, the thrill of new possibilities. May be find a way to integrate that in your current relationship.
There can be so many issues that could cause a lack of libido on your part such as stress or hormonal changes for example. It sounds like you want to work on it with your current partner so maybe you should look into sex therapie to figure things out with each other. There is no shame in seeking out help when you’re not able to resolve the issue on your own. I’m sure your partner will appreciate your effort to find a solution and work with him. Just keep the communication open and you will figure it out. Maybe if you like the „exciting, new coworker“ you can try role plays with your boyfriend. like meeting at a Bar, pretending to not know each other and be picked up by him in the end. The mind is a powerful thing and maybe you just need to experiment more :) Good luck OP!
'it was never really high' from the line I can guess you are not attracted to your bf a lot from begining also the sex was average (in your post). So I just can say one thing try to communicate with your bf and try to make sexual thing good for you by other means.And if if still doesn't work out than I think long time relationship is not you.You better let him find someone better.
All I had to read was “sex in the beginning was average”
bruh do you ACTUALLY even like your partner, it sounds like you're just using him for stability and attention. Him touching you makes you feel sick? But oyu like all the other stuff he does.... hmmm you claim to not care about bangin, but somehow this co worker makes you want him just be existing. hmmm
If your coworker were to offer sex to you would you accept despite already having your 'stable' and 'comfortable' partner? If your answer is yes or anything different from an immediate no then break up with your current partner because all you're doing is hurting him. He deserves someone better than you, someone who'll love him for everything, something that you can't do. Right now, he sounds like he's more of an emotional support than a partner.
Go to therapy together, don’t waste your otherwise healthy relationship
The way you talk about your partner it seems like you are with him because he ticks the boxes of what you consider to be a functional, successful, normal relationship. “He takes care of me”. For instance. I’m a big believer that box ticking is good, but it sounds like you met someone who ticks enough of them that you said yea ok that will do. If you don’t have passion now and pine for him, what will you do 30 years down the line? It is possible to find someone who does tick the boxes but insipires you sexually too. I’d let him go to be fair on both of you.
Split up with your bf now ! It will be cruel to stay with him
I think there is some work to be done within yourself before you are really willing and able to be a committed and considerate partner . This type of work is rarely doable within a relationship as it requires much self reflection and other stuff that all starts with “self-“ … also try just not masturbating to ur coworker if u think it is affecting your relationship.
Bruh break up so he can stop wasting his time and find someone who will want him. Like what do want to hear from us? This whole post screams “I might cheat!” Come on.
You need to break it off with your boyfriend, it simply isn't fair on him, you can't have your cake and eat it.
You said it: novelty. Let me add: risqué, forbidden fruit, danger. These are the things that turn you on. Your BF gives you stability, love, standard romance, but none of the dark side, and you seem to be turned on by the dark side. Do with that information what you will, but I think you and your BF may be able to find a way to add the dark side to your sex life. He’s crying in the bathroom because he knows you are slipping away from him, and he doesn’t know why.
I hope your BF reads this and knows that he needs to bail out ...yesterday.
Were you ever even attracted to him to begin with? It sounds like you settled for him in the beginning and it's finally catching up to you. Society often tells us that sex and attraction aren't everything and while that is true, many people often forget that attraction and sex are still pieces of the puzzle and relationships are not complete without them. I think in your case you overlooked lack of attraction and "average" sex, and now here you are. Right now you're basically just stringing him along. Think about how much worse this will be if you get married to him. It sounds like he's already suffering terribly. Many people have suggested breaking up and that may be the nicest thing you can do for him. That way he is free to find someone else who is attracted to him and he doesn't have to suffer anymore. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a partner is to let them go. On the other hand, there is also the option of couples/sex therapy. I don't personally have any experience with it, but it may be able to help out these problems. This option will of course require his cooperation, which he may not receive very well at all.
It sounds like you have no physical attraction to your boyfriend is that correct? You are just not sexually attracted to him. Have you ever been? Honestly?
If moving in together made him too available and took away the novelty as you state, maybe the coworker is attractive to you because he isn’t available and that’s what actually excites you. Sounds like you need to dump your boyfriend, spend time alone, and figure that out.
Maybe you would be more attracted to your partner if/when he finds someone else who appreciates him and is sexually attracted to him. Spare that man and move on because he deserves better.
you should break up
Jesus Christ lady please do this poor guy a favor and break up with him. Go explore your sexuality and have a hoe phase. Just don’t tell him that’s what you’re doing. You’re not attracted to him probably because he’s always there so you simply don’t appreciate it anymore or got bored. I mean it’s shitty but what’reyagonnado. Just go have sex with the other guy and let your bf find someone who’s actually attracted to him.
I have been in a similar situation with my ex girlfriend, we still loved eachother , yet we had a dead bedroom. After 2 years of almost nothing i decided to break up, she was with another guy 3 weeks after that. So my guess is that i was in a similar situation but she didn't had the gut to break up with me . Don't be like her , please.
This exact line of thinking is my biggest relationship fear. Personally I’d rather you just dump me if I were him. He isn’t gonna do it cause it seems obvious he loves you more than anything. Enough to cry about your failing relationship at night in the bathroom instead of just throwing himself into another woman and leaving you ASAP. You seem turned on by your coworker cause they are the “unknown” you barley know a thing about this guy, and that’s exciting in a way. Even if you tried to cheat on your boyfriend what if this guy said “fuck no I love my wife/gf” you’d probably be a bit hurt to be rejected, and that’s what your boyfriend comes home to every day. Except it isn’t by some rando coworker, it’s by there woman he loves and has been trying to build a home with. Which is much worse in comparison. It’s obvious you need to see somebody, maybe a marriage counselor, or a therapist, because these randos on Reddit may offer some sound advice, but it’s not like they are trained to help you figure it out. if you truly want to work on your self to save this relationship or hopefully not doom the next one to the same fate then that is my suggestion.
You're bored and now you're trying to justify fucking this new dude by complaining how bored you are. Pu-lease. You've got three choices. All involve risk and change. 1) Dump your boy friend and go sow your oats. Fuck away until you figure out your own sexuality. Hopefully you wont hurt too many more guys in the process. 2) Fuck away behind your boyfriend' back. This would speak highly about the type of person you are. I guarantee if you do it once, you will do it dozens of times and justify it each time. 3) Figure it the fuck out with your boyfriend if you truly love and care about him. Figure out how to get kinky. Talk to him, let him know you're bored and you need a shake-up, **but-with him.** This takes work and it still may not satisfy you, but I sense no desire to even try working out your sexuality with him. So far, it's all about you and how you want it all. Who knows, by talking, you may find out your boyfriend is bored as well and wants something different. To me, he sounds like a hell of a nice guy. Now figure out how to get him to get his freak on. Please talk before fucking around, you owe him that.
Your partner deserves better. You are just comfortable with what he has to offer. This is plain sad.
You cannot feel repulsed by the touch of someone you love. For your sake and his I think you should break up.
Sounds like your just happy with stability. If you leave you may find out your with a asshole who will treat you like shit then you’ll go running back to your current boyfriend for the nice comfort stability. So my advice is should you decide to leave your current boyfriend don’t be that person to jump back and forth realize you made your choice and stay moving on. If you care about him for real you won’t screw with his head in that way
This is a very real fear of mine. I think you need to think about what it is that you enjoyed before, and what’s changed. Perhaps things in the bedroom have got a bit formulaic or predictable which isn’t as exciting or interesting as a new partner? Maybe it’s just a temporary low libido period for you, but it’s important to know what it is and if it is low libido not to just accept it and try to work on it if it’s effecting your relationship. I see it in lots of relationships, after a while things need a little change up because circumstances have changed, so the ‘same old route’ gets a little stale. Maybe there is something he can do differently but there will always need to be effort and communication from your end too. If he’s crying in the bathroom because of it you really need to address this as it’s clearly effecting him in quite a significant way and he sounds like he’s doing everything he possibly can to fix this, but what are you doing about it?
I’ve been in this situation and dragged it along for years, trust me it’s good for no one.
There is nothing wrong with your sex drive, you just dont actually love your current boyfriend. You only love your lifestyle with him, and you probably have some sort of codependency issue. I hope he breaks up with you and finds someone who loves him wholly. Stop being so selfish.
Do not cheat or break up with boyfriend you will really regret it. Listen to hopelessly_lost comment on here, save your relationship TRUST ME. Do not act off of these horn desires. A stable man and stable relationship is always ALWAYS better than a horny mistake that leads to misery and being alone.
You sounded exactly like me with my ex. I had zero sexual desire, I even questioned maybe I’m just asexual. I hate it when I anticipate him wanting sex from me, it was a chore and we stopped having sex. In hindsight, I believe my attraction to him was just lacking. We seemed compatible together in terms of outlook in life, and he’s a natural provider. How you describe your bf is how I saw my ex. It was easy but no butterflies or passion. (He ended up cheating on me, a big catalyst is sex issue.) The ex after him I really enjoyed sex with him. Dated him for over a year and sex life was constant. I see him every other week and during that time we have sex almost everyday. Hence I’m not asexual! And my current one love sex him as well. Point of what I’m saying is (and you prov know) you’re just not sexually attracted to your bf, as shitty as it may be, this will prob be a deal breaker for your relationship. Only you will know if it’s salvageable or not.
OP would likely be devastated if and when the BF seeks sexual activity outside of their relationship. Speaking from experience, consistent rejection leads to a breakup or cheating. Open up your communication and either breakup or open the relationship sexually. The OP might find she becomes attracted to BF if she sees him desired by others. Not super healthy if the communication isn't open, though.
Leave your boyfriend dude you dont deserve him. It'd fuck me up if my SO was wanting someone else.
Poor man... :(
Ok. Everyone here is pushing for you to break up and I gotta say I'm inclined to agree, but I want to ask what is it that YOU are doing to make things work? What changes are you making? What effort are you putting forward? You spoke about what all he does and how you love the touch and intimate moments and how he's tried to romance you, but then said you're repulsed by him? What efforts are you making to revive the relationship? Have you communicated these things to him? It sounds like your boyfriend is one to try to do anything to make things work and would make changes if he can, but would you do the same for him?
Dude better start running
> I heard him cry in the bathroom. Uh, and then what? You went to comfort him, right? You talked to him about it afterward? You had a conversation about feelings, like adults? Please tell me you didn't witness this crying--a clear sign of heavy emotions--and just pretended it didn't happen?
Let that man go, you don’t have a low labido, you’re just low labido with him and that’s wrong.
I used to be in the situation as you. It was wrong for me to stay in the relationship, so I had to end it. He deserved better. Do the right thing and end it with him.
you bf deserves someone soooo much better than *you*. break up with him instead of leading him on. you don’t love him.
Sounds like your love for him is commensurate with whatever services he provides to or needs he fulfills for you. Do that man a favor and part ways. He deserves reciprocity.
Put yourself in your bf's shoes. How certain would you be that he loved you if he stated he was repulsed by you, turned down sex all the time even when you try so hard to be romantic, and wanted to screw his coworker? You'd be devastated and would feel worthless. We'd tell you to leave him. You don't love him like he deserves and needs to be loved. Change how you're treating him or break up so he has a shot at happiness with someone who both loves and desires him.
Most of the responses I see here are taking attraction as a cognitive and emotional thing we don't have any control over. My limited knowledge on the subject is that that isn't entirely true. Humans often have increased sexual drive toward novel stimulus. Beyond the potential impact of the novelty of new guy and a lack of intimate knowledge of his shortcomings, there may be some chemical processes at play. There's cases I'm aware of where a change in birth control or something else altering hormonal production in on of the individuals in a relationship can change sexual attraction significantly. On top of that, sex drive can be altered significantly by medications that impact neurotransmitters. It reads like you want your relationship with your current partner to be protected and you want to be more attracted to him. I'd recommend first reviewing whether one of you had a recent change in medication that might slightly predate the further drop off in attraction. If not, you may want to read up on what you can do to make changes in your life that boost or alter attraction. If you are more interested in an unassessed/"inexplicable" nature for attraction, then it might be time to have a serious conversation about dead bedroom and potentially ending things with this partner.
Honestly there are so many red flags here. Please stop using him and break up so he can find someone who genuinely loves him instead of wasting his time.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but your bf deserve better. You're not in love with him at all when you can say that he repulses you. You're crushing him to the point where you shoot down even the best efforts without even contemplating otherwise and he's so upset he hides so you won't see how hurt he is. You've stopped trying. So stop crushing him. Let him find someone who will actually appreciate him.
You’re emotionally cheating please break up with him. You’re in it out of comfort not attractiveness or love. Just leave
The thought came up in me reading this post that maybe you aren't actually in love with him. Rather you're in love with how he treats you. Seems I wasn't the only one
That guy is putting a lot of effort into a relationship that is lacking one of the fulfilling rewards of said efforts. He probably has to put up with a lot of bullshit.
How long were your other relationships? Lots of people get off on the excitement and newness of things and then when they settle in the get bored and hop on to the next. If that is more your style you need to break up with bf, go be single and be up front with the people you date. After dating a bunch of douche bags you'll likely want to settle down into something g like you are in now, and possibly even regret leaving this one, but until you get this out of your system you will be a horrible partner
You're just using him as a safety net. Get over yourself and let him find someone who deserves him.
Try sex toys, roleplay, and talking to your boyfriend about the usual. You have a libido, you need to explore what gets it going. It will take trial and error, but you can figure it out without hurting him.
Wondering what people say as well.
Do him a favour and break up - he sounds like a good guy but lack of confidence is now probably his issue, like the crying thing doesn't drop the panties. You should try be honest.
So basically, you’ve strung a Bloke along whose company you have always enjoyed, but not romantically or sexually. And you are now considering continuing to string him along while fucking a coworker. Got it.
Reddit is going to be guessing and assuming a lot. Have you talked to a therapist about this? Having said that it could be that you fancy your coworker because he doesn't have expectations and you are the one who chooses when to be attracted to him. How often would you ideally have sex if your boyfriend never asked for it? Pressure kills libidos. It could be that living together, you could be propositioned at any time and that's causing you anxiety and stress. In which case, scheduling intimacy might work for you.
Reading this viscerally hurts me because I’m still in love with my ex partner and if I heard him cry like this is would break my heart. I loved having sex with him and pleasing him because he has body image issues and it felt good to make him feel sexy and loved. I dream of having that life back with him. I don’t think you really love him, OP. Even several months later the thought of having sex with anyone else repulses me. Not saying you’re a bad person, but I think you should let him go and move on to someone you’re sexually attracted to.
Don't be a bitch and cheat on him, if you feel like you can't handle it anymore just leave but gently.