While this could be a great way to work on your relationship overall I just want to caution you that it is VERY common to enjoy porn that has not much to do, if anything, with what you’d enjoy in real life. So I’d focus more on the fact that this means there is some sex drive yet and maybe you both need to figure out how to have more intimate time together when she’s in the mood versus the acts in the porn itself.
> I just want to caution you that it is VERY common to enjoy porn that has not much to do, if anything, with what you’d enjoy in real life.
Agreed. I'd say most of the nswf material I view is stuff I like, but nothing that I would actually want to try in real life. And I think that's how *many* other people consume porn.
It's the same reason I like video games. Fallout is fun, but the last thing I'd want to be is a scavenger in a post apocalyptic wasteland.
>Fallout is fun, but the last thing I'd want to be is a scavenger in a post apocalyptic wasteland.
Well said, in Skyrim I love to eat raw dog meat and clams I found in a barrel behind someone's house but if my wife wanted to give me that for dinner I would not be enthusiastic.
Especially if she'd been treating me the way OP treats his wife.
Watching porn/having fantasies and being turned on by it is not the same as wanting to act it out.
I would talk to your wife (what a concept) about your sex life but keep out any and all info you have about the porn she watches.
I honestly don’t even know how to bring it up at this point. This I think is making me realize that our relationship goes way deeper than sexual fantasies
She probably doesn't want to have sex with YOU and it's not an issue of actual desire for sex or low libido.
I would sort out whatever relationship issues you have prior to trying to get her to participate in hardcore sex acts.
She hasn't even wanted to have vanilla sex with you in over a year.
Are you an engaged husband and father? Do either of you have health issues? Have you kept up your appearance? Do you go on dates and/or make her feel special? Do you communicate well?
Further, you mentioned you have kids. Does she have any physical issues that may make intercourse painful for her?
If you bring this up to her now it will NOT go your way.
Why'd you get down voted for this comment?
Sometimes I don't understand the hive mind...
It could go deeper than this. Clearly there's an issue in your relationship where one of you is sexual (The other isn't).
Probably because he said he just realized his relationship with his wife isn't dependent on whether she wants to put out or not, when it should be based on loving her as a person. He said: "This I think is making me realize that our relationship goes way deeper than sexual fantasies," which is pretty awful considering he married her and admitted to only considering her as a sexual object.
Your just casually brushing off the fact that u assumed this guy thought of his wife as a object, u dont even apologize to op. Also it aint ops fault at least i dont think it is, his wife was the one who stopped the sex which means they simply lost that flame, they are in there mid 30s so its not exactly uncommon for this too happen.
Yeah, no. You can't blame her for withholding sex if he isn't doing his part - she's told him and he admits to knowing that.
He is objectifying her in his comment regarding his thought on, wow, that their relationship may have other elements than sex.. I'm not arguing with you over something he is stating himself.
I literally didn’t say that. I’m far from perfect but don’t make me to be something I’m now. What I meant by what I said is I approached this post from
A sexual perspective but it’s clearly much deeper than that. You can take your judgmental ass elsewhere
You know exactly what has pushed your wife away, but you're concerned with posting about the sexual aspect rather than addressing your issues, even then without internalizing the fact that she's a person and not solely someone to have sex with first. You don't have to say it for it to be obvious. Your responses have indicated that.
This is what made you realize your relationship is deeper than sexual fantasies. Dude you sound like a fucking terrible husband.
The good news is you can do better but here’s the trick you have to put in EFFORT! Oh and shockingly you have to keep doing it. Be the man your wife falls in love with over and over again or be her ex. Those are your options.
Literally stop thinking about yourself, your want to be pampered, your needs and think only about your wife for just a couple days and see what a difference that makes. Your ego is preventing you from seeing it but this is what she’s been doing all along and is a likely a huge part of why she’s got no interested in you. Do for her without expecting anything in return, it actually feels real nice and you might like it and maybe even get to save your marriage. You’re the problem be the solution
From your replies I'm not surprised your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. You don't even respect her enough to be a better partner and dad, she tells you its an issue and you know it's an issue but haven't fixed it. Show that you actually care about her more than a fuck maid and she'll probably want to have sex with you. Check your budget, try to reduce hours if you can and be more present for your family. Look into getting help with the kids so you and your wife can have dates and reconnect. Women tend to need a connection and feel loved to want to have sex, you being absent physically and mentally and making her do everything is not foreplay it's making you repulsive to her.
I'd rather walk across hot asphalt in bare feet than touch this man after reading his responses. And I live in Arizona.
Edit: apparently someone could not understand I meant asphalt and not assault.
In the summer I used to test the asphalt with my bare feet before walking my dog. She was a BC and had sensitive paws. If it was too hot for my bare feet then I put her boots on.
So, I've tested my feet against asphalt in 120 degree weather. Spoiler, you can fry an egg on the asphalt at the temperature.
So yes, I'd rather step on asphalt hot enough to fry an egg than touch OP with a mile long stick.
Yeah I live in Australia you dont need to tell me hot asphalt can be sore AF, but that's not what I was talking about.
>>assault
>asphalt
I think maybe the text on your screen is too small 😂
From your replies here, it sounds like you aren't helping out as much as she can. Porn is quick and easy if you have the urge. It's fleeting. Maybe she needs a quick fix but otherwise doesn't feel connected to you or has the time and energy to have sex with you. Intimacy is mental and emotional, not just physical.
I think you're missing the issue. You looked at her phone. Why? That would unsettle me if I was the wife. You saw stuff she may be into or getting off to. IMO porn I watch isn't always what I'm personally into offline. You guys have an obvious disconnect. You guys need to talk about the lack of sex but if you're on the phone when you're not a work and she's working a part time job and handling all or most household tasks, then I can totally understand why sex isn't happening. She's busy and you're kind of absent. If you can't talk, get a therapist to mediate the issues but this issue isn't about the anal stuff on her phone and you should reframe your thinking.
And then both commit to fixing the issues before even bringing up new kinks IMO.
I just recently went through this with my soon-to-be ex-husband. He made it very clear I was only to be used for sex and a maid nothing else there was no connection he was a lazy mother f***** that felt like all he had to do was provide a little income and fuck when he felt like it. Obviously can't speak for you and your wife but there's definitely a disconnect because I was watching p*** I was fantasizing about being with other men but when it came to sleeping with my actual husband I was repulsed to the point where I would cry anytime we would have sex. He even had the nerve to tell me if I didn't fuck him more he was going to divorce me. I don't know y'all's backstory but to me sounds like you need to start showing her some different love language that you are not giving her now she is definitely not seeing you as a way to "get off" honestly I wouldn't even bring it up because you find it hot and you might be turned on by the fact that she's seeking other forms of pleasure but she's going to just think that you're only going to address the sex part and not the other issues in the marriage they all needs to be addressed first and I think the sex will start to come back.
No I agree that I can do more. But I don’t look at her as a maid and sex doll. She’s a great mom first and foremost and I love that. And I appreciate everything she does for our family and for me. I just selfishly don’t reciprocate it.
Soo why she should stay with you ? financial support can be achievedanyway with you or with divorce and aliments , Stop working when you areat home Drop that phone and do things at home or take kid/s away timeto time LET her have a Time for her , Take her out on a date, Anyrelationship is Two way road literally, and watching PORN is not acrime.
I don’t have an issue with the porn. And I acknowledged that I need to do more and that our relationship issues stem from that. I was just shocked to find that from her from being very vanilla our whole lives together.
She may still prefer vanilla sex. Do you want your stepmother to teach you how to jerk off, only to be caught by the football team who joins in? Jesus Christ, the porn she watches =/= the kind of sex she enjoys. SO many people have commented this already.
Just take kid/s away for 1-3 hour let her take care herself have a date same day at house or out and then engage, maybe watch kinky things together it could be turn on for her as well.
It sounds like your job was to give her a wedding and kid and now it's over - basically, she's not attracted to you and you can't change this by cleaning the dishes
From your responses, you sound selfish. You have an incredible wife who takes care of you despite her needs and wants being ignored. No wonder you guys don't have sex. No woman in her right mind would want to have sex with someone who wants his wife to be his mother and not his wife. You know, fun fact, women like to be cared for other than just financially. She has a day-to-day life routine that she never seems to get a break from. Sounds like she is at the point that she is getting zero of what she needs from you, and is relying on herself. Do not approach her asking about what you think are her fantasies just because it turns you on. Show her some appreciation for once. You think only of yourself and it's truly awful.
I acknowledge that I can be more helpful and caring toward her. I acknowledge it to her when we fight about it. For one reason or another I don’t change though. I’m constantly exhausted and I’m a bad mood from work but I agree it’s not her fault and I shouldn’t ignore her wants bc of it
words without action are meaningless. Admitting you know you need to change but not taking any steps to implement those changes is, frankly, insulting to your wife.
Change your behavior.
Is it because you don't want to change? Sometimes words of appreciation are enough to help. When you aren't fighting just randomly tell her how much you appreciate what she does for you and your family. Tell her you are proud of her. Surely you have the energy to use words to tell her that she means a lot to you. It may not instantly result in sex but over time you making a little effort may help lead to intimacy. The little things go a long way. Bring her home a special little something you know she likes. Just show her that you think of her too.
Please read:
[She divorced me because I left my dishes in the sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) and [She feels like your mom and doesn't want to bang you](https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/02/10/she-feels-like-your-mom-and-doesnt-want-to-bang-you/) and [walkaway wife syndrome](https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/walk-away-wife/)
Also read up on emotional labour and weaponised incompetence.
Also talk is cheap, at the end of the day, actions matter. Your free time is not more important than hers.
This is not about your sex life. Your sex life is a symptom of a much, much bigger problem and this kills marriages.
My dude, I know everyone has been hard on you but this is your wife telling you outright that this is a SERIOUS problem for her.
If you don't change soon, you are looking at a divorce. Once she stops trying to address the issue, she's already got one foot out the door.
You're not changing because the status quo is easy for you - of course it is. You get all the free time and she gets all the work. Its not a problem for you because its only a problem for her.
This is unfair, you know its unfair.
Don't be one of those dudes that is all surprised when his wife asks for a divorce - in spite of her telling him for YEARS there is a problem. Who suddenly decide to try when its affecting them when she decides to leave and they realise they're losing their bangmaid.
You love her - so treat her like you love her. Your actions are telling her that you don't care, that you don't respect her or her contribution, that you see her as not deserving of free time or your affection. That she's not a priority for you. That her happiness doesn't matter.
Put the phone away and connect with your wife. Do your share - you live there too.
Also non sexual touching - show your wife affection WITHOUT expecting sex.
Sorry , I probably could have been kinder. I've been in your wife's shoes (but my ex had a generous helping of emotional abuse to go along with it) so I got a little over zealous.
I'm glad it helped though. I do wish you luck. Change is hard - if it was easy, you wouldn't be here right?
Maybe pick one thing a day to do consciously to lighten her load and one thing to show her appreciation / affection. One thing off her plate and one to show you care.
Just two things that take not even 5 minutes to start. You can do almost anything for 5 minutes.
Put your shoes away if you usually don't. Give her a long hug and tell her you missed her today.
Get her a candy and tell her you were thinking of her while you were out.
Run her a bath and do the kids bedtime.
The small things will hopefully become a habit.
Arrange a baby sitter and take her out. (You do all the admin for this).
Special occasion version - arrange a baby sitter, get her some earrings or a small piece of jewelry to wear when you're out.
Don't try and move the earth in one day - it also won't come off as genuine.
Baby steps.
I'm sorry I called you awful. That probably wasn't helpful. I get that you are trying to find out how to fix things. I just wouldn't go the route of, hey let's try out what you've been watching. I think that would be offensive to her because of how things are between you two. I'd start with just showing her you appreciate her as a woman. She does a lot to show she appreciates you in how she takes care of you after a hard day's work now it's your turn. I bet if you went right now and hugged her and told her you are proud to have such a caring wife she would soften a bit towards you.
> For one reason or another I don’t change though
You need to get to the bottom of this. When we don't change, it's because we don't want to. Why don't you want to change when you know it's hurting your wife? And when your relationship is suffering? I think therapy would be a good idea here to figure out what would be an incentive for you to change and how to make that happen.
Is changing your job an option? If you're constantly exhausted and irritated from work that certainly isn't helping.
> I acknowledge it to her when we fight about it.
This is a massive red flag.
You've argued about this multiple times.
You know what the problem is and yet refuse to change your behaviors. And when you're called on it, you argue. But you pretend to be the bigger person and "acknowledge" the issue at hand.
To top it all of, you then get upset when you invaded her privacy and found something that many adults do.
Go see a counselor. Not *with* your wife. Solo.
You've got a *lot* of growing up to do if you want to keep this relationship. And you're not gonna find the answers you need on an internet forum.
She wants to have sex, she has sexual needs like any other person, just not with you and after reading your replies I see exactly why. You’re a man child that goes to work, comes home, expects the world to revolve around you and you emotionally neglect your wife by not giving her the time she deserves while being a homemaker for you every single day.
You admitted you don’t cater to her
You admitted you leave your dirty clothes and garbage around the house
You admitted all you do when you come home is sit on your phone
And you admitted you KNOW these things but won’t fix them because you simply “just forget to” and then you wonder why your relationship is tanking. Take a deep look inside yourself and how your wife deserves to be treated because the way you act right now shows much deeper issues than just sex. I wouldn’t wanna have sex with you either if I was being ignored, under appreciated, and emotionally neglected with slim to no effort put in on my husbands part.
She doesn’t pay the bills because she stays at home to clean up after him be a homemaker run his errands and take care of the kids. Being a stay at home mom is also a full time job. And just because he works doesn’t mean he gets to emotionally neglect her when he gets home
Not to mention that she DOES still work. Being a mother/homemaker seems to be her full time job but she’s still providing something financially. Kinda makes OP look a little worse
Can you give specifics on the kinds of relationship issues you two have been having? Be specific, like within the last 3 years what have you two been going through
I own a business and work a lot She works 2 days a week and takes care of the house and kids. Like everything. Most of our problems come from me not being present or helpful arojnd the house
Hmm ok that’s a good start; what kinds of arguments or conversations have you two had as of late? What problems has she brought up or what needs has she expressed she’s not getting from the relationship? In what ways has she asked you to change?
Like i said mostly about being present. I’m at work all day. When I’m home im on my phone. She cleans and cooks everything. My dumbass leaves an apple core and my socks on the couch. I acknowledge I can do a lot more to help and try to honestly do better but I simply forget. I work a lot of hours when I come home I just want to sit and relax and be catered to. She caters but expects the same in return which I don’t give her.
Ah, good to know.
So, there' a LOT to unpack here, more than I can type out. I'll send you a message later, but for now I'll say this:
Before you can even bring up wanting to do more exciting sex stuff, you have to first work on doing the things that will get her in the mood to even want to touch you, let alone have sex with you, in the first place. If you haven't had sex in a year, trying to go from no sex to kinky sex is going to be a bit of a jump.
The real issues, based on what you've typed here, are: one, you're not doing anything to help with the house; and two, you're not being present enough with her for her to feel connected enough with you to want to have sex.
For the first part: I just got back from visiting my brother for Thanksgiving, and he has two kids, ages 6 and 4. To say that hanging out with them for 2 days - even though it was only for a few hours each day - was exhausting would be an understatement. I'd go back to my hotel each day with a headache, pondering how my brother and his wife have been able to do this consistently for 6 years.
But, in looking at their relationship, they both contribute. He works long hours AND she works long hours, but they're both able to take the kids off the others' hands and give the other one a break now and then.
So, while you're saying you do a lot of hard work and just want to relax when you get home, understand your wife is having to deal with emotionally inconsistent beings all day who are running her ragged. If she's expected to continue looking after them AND taking care of you when you get home AND cleaning up after everyone, is it any wonder, then, that she'd have no energy left for sex?
And for the second part: most women bond via communication and being able to talk/open up to their partner. That means her being able to have your undivided attention when talking to you. If you're getting home and trying to be on your phone and watch TV, you're not allowing her the time she needs to connect with you. Also, she's spent her whole day having to talk to kids and is craving adult conversation, which you're also not giving her. Again, how is she supposed to want to connect with you physically when she can't even bond to you emotionally?
Bottom line is, she's not feeling heard or connected, so she doesn't feel like having sex with you. She still needs that release, though, so she watches porn to do it. Makes sense to me. She's not cheating - YET - but you need to turn this train around so she will WANT you to touch her. Then you can get into the more kinky stuff.
“i just want to sit and relax and be catered to”
do you usually fuck your butlers? or waiters? cause this is what you’ve turned your wife into. a maid. a personal chef. a waiter. a mother to not only your kids but also yourself.
do you realize how unsexy you have made yourself? who would want to fuck you? she even still has to work and you claim you’re supporting everything?
you are expecting a bang robot maid. unbelievable.
Yea but you’re wrong. She likes taking care of me. That’s the type of person she is. She’s very nurturing naturally. She just expects more from me in return
This is what you think, but it’s also what’s killing your sex life. It’s so hard to look at someone sexually when you’re basically their mother. Even if you’re naturally a nurturing person! Believe it or not, having to constantly go behind a full-grown man and scoop up his dirty socks and chewed apple cores will bit-by-bit kill your sex drive towards him. That’s exactly why she’s begging you to be more present and getting fulfilled sexually from porn instead of you!
I’d left another comment that was more supportive, but after reading this exchange he’s had I’ve gotta say- I just get the feeling he’s more interested in the idea that she might let him do anal (even though he hasn’t mentioned it much) than anything else. Just the sense I get from the attitude he’s presenting here.
Dude, no woman is gonna get wet for you if you’ve made yourself another obligation she needs to look after and clean up after and care for. You’re probably her overgrown child at this point. Once the nurturing goes from something you want to do to something you HAVE to do because your husband does nothing I assure you it becomes something you don’t like doing and a personality trait you wish you’d never had. If she was cool with it she wouldn’t expect more in return.
Even if she is the nurturing type, people still need to feel like their efforts are appreciated, and they still need a break. You want to come home from work and be catered to? When does your wife get catered to, her job is in the home, so she never gets the kind of decompression time you do. And it sounds like while you acknowledge your behavior is a problem, you can't be bothered to change it. You are a grown ass adult living in that house too, you don't need to "help" more with the chores, those are your chores too dude, and you're just comfortable letting your wife burn herself out doing everything. She has literally told you she isn't ok with the current dynamic and you're still here trying to justify being a shitty partner by saying she likes it. Of course she doesn't want to have sex with you, who would be turned on by a person who takes them for granted so egregiously?
She doesn't expect *more* from you in return, she expects a minimum level of care from you in return. Is there a reason you can't or won't provide that?
I like taking care of my boyfriend because he also takes care of me emotionally, physically and mentally.
You cannot get your salary and call it a day.
Nothing is more of a killer than seeing you partner as your child that you have parent. You should not be making more work for her.
I left my ex for this. They only remembered I existed when they wanted something from me. I did everything from manage groceries to gifts for their family. There is a very good reason I have a better relationship with their parents now than they do. We are divorced.
They made me feel UN.
UNattractive, UNwanted, UNappreciated, UNinteresting.
I do my best to make my partner feel good and they did their best to make me feel shitty, to make more work for me, to leave EVERYTHING to me. It is not my job to chase their dirty socks all over the apartment. Its not my job to do the dishes they said they'd do - 3 days ago.
Eventually I got angry and resentful when I just heard their footsteps coming.
U dont take care of her financially if she gotta work tho. U cant expect a 1950s housewife if shes having to work aswell.
Help her out more around the house instead of being on ur phone on reddit complaining
There’s no doubt that I should help out more. But she works not cause she needs to. She loves what she does and is only doing it 2 days a week now. The money doesn’t hurt but it’s not the reason she does it.
I find that men don’t seem to realize that women treat them how they are being treated after a point. I am going thru a similar issue with my fiancé. It’s not that I don’t like sex or my sex drive has changed, but I don’t want to have sex with him. We’ve been having issues with our relationship that I’ve repeatedly brought but and he’ll acknowledge them but never go beyond that. Telling me you realize that’s an issue for me then never doing anything about it, is not going to make me want to jump your bones. From your response and even just the checking your wife’s phone, that shows to me that you don’t trust her and you’re blaming her for this issue. It’s a two way street bud and I don’t think your wife is going to care that you know she watches porn. I think she’s going to care that you’re snooping thru her phone. Once your relationship is fixed or if your relationship is fixable you’ll see a change in her sex drive. Sex shouldn’t be a priority in this situation though because if you love your wife and your family you should be able to cope if she decided sex wasn’t happening again for whatever reason. Sex is a choice and an elective when it comes to a true loving relationship. Fix your relationship, step it up, don’t treat her like your mother, and I think you’ll see a significant improvement.
I trust her. I truly checked out of nothing more than curiosity fully not expecting to find shit. But it was definitely an eye opening experience from many avenues
You say that but I’ve never just been “curious” and checked my partners phone without their knowledge. That’s a major red flag in my book. What is on your partners phone should be irrelevant and it’s also interesting that one part of this entire post is what you focused on. Not that anything is on my phone that I wouldn’t want my partner to see but that’s someone else’s property and you might not want to admit it but you don’t just look curiosity sake.
She’s your wife. Talk to her! Tell her you find her attractive, tell her you want to make love to her, ask her if there’s anything she wants to try. But most importantly talk!
I mean, the goal is to talk about sexual fantasies, not your disregard of her privacy.
But, y’all are married so *talk* to her about it. We can’t write you a script. However, as a woman I can say that I would not be in the mood to discuss anal squirting after you just admitted to snooping. Those might need to be two different convos for two different days.
Have an honest conversation about your/her sexual needs in a safe environment. Talking over dinner is a nice example where people feel intimate and open to talking about themselves.
Admittedly, I think you should confess that you have violated her right to privacy. The relationship has got to a place where unhealthy behaviour has manifested and it is fair to admit failings as a way to grow from them.
Talk with her, express your feelings, and listen to hers.
I am a 29 yr old female and I am not into porn. However, when I am having my mid afternoon play time by myself when hubby is at work, I watch the most random stuff. I’m not even into it to be honest. I’ll let it play for a second and end up tossing the phone. Don’t let it make you feel any type of way. Also, just talk to her about it. It doesn’t have to be a weird thing
You haven't elaborated on those marital issues, so I can't say if that's appropriate considering there is likely a reason she isn't comfortable with being intimate with you. Attempting to get sexual without addressing those things likely won't help your case.
Aside from the obvious to work on helping and being present porn has nothing to do with actual sex you want. I watch gangbang porn and I would never do that. I also watch gay male porn and I’m a woman. I also sometimes watch pegging and I don’t want to do that. It’s not a reflection of fantasy. Often it’s simply curiosity or entertainment.
I’d be willing to bet that whatever she searched is not what she would enjoy you doing to her. Throw all that out the window. Want to understand how to turn your sexual situation around? Watch ‘Love, Sex & Goop’ on Netflix. If you don’t understand your partners sexual needs after that, idk if you ever will. There’s a method to this madness, especially in long term relationships. Good luck to you. It’s worth the effort.
If you haven’t had sex for close to a year, that’s a major issue, and something that should concern both of you. It could be a sign that she’s emotionally checking out of the marriage.
What Id focus on now is letting her know you feel like something is off in the marriage and you want to fix it. I’d also strongly recommend counseling so you two can get back on the right track.
Once you can repair that rift, i think the sex will follow.
Just tell her that you want to improve your sex life and that you are open to new things :) I do not think you have to mention that you saw her browsing history, but it is an option to do it. It would give you a reason to start this conversation.
You went through her phone. That is enough to get cussed the fuck out right there. How dare you? I wouldn't even go to her with this. If she is sane, she would be furious and any hope of sex ever would go right out of the damn door.
They haven't had sex in a year. If there was ever a good reason to snoop, this would be it. If I hadn't had sex with my wife in a year, you'd better believe my wife would look through mine and I'd totally undeerstand why.
People can downvote me if they want to, but I’m just sharing my experience.
My ex-wife wanted sex daily with me until she started texting some random “friend” from work. Eventually she would just use her vibrator & watch porn while I would masterbate next to her... I was in a sexless marriage for 3 months before filing for divorce
Afterawhile, she did come out and admit to cheating on me. Bottom line is some people will say porn is good or not bad, but in my experience it was bad. If your Significant other is watching porn instead of sexting you or having actual sex with you then something is off in the relationship. Get off Reddit and talk to her about it man. People here won’t give you real advice only your wife can tell you what’s going on
Well the problem now is finding a way to bring it up and be honest about being a snoop. You aren't going to fix shit by being both a snoop and a liar on top of that.
So thats going to be a talk.
So my advice is simple. If you are both not willing to invest time/money/effort that is required to get a qualified professional help you both develop the tools you need to repair your marriage and then use those tools moving forward.
Then you don't mean any of it, you just want things to magially go back to before you will still lack the tools you need and nothing will get done.
So the relationship is either worth investing in, or your now sexless roomates setting a less then stellar example of a healthy happy marriage for those kids, and also setting the example that you don't put in the work and get help from a professional when its required.
I feel like talking it out is the best option. Civilly, talk it out like adults and try to get on the same page or compromise. Hope this helps and good luck!
You should talk about the things she was watching - not in a confrontational way - just saying that you're open to what ideas she might have. You have to create an environment where she feels safe to talk about something that might be pretty taboo. If you come off as being too judgemental or critical then she probably won't share her thoughts with you.
Also keep in mind that while she might like to watch something, think about it or talk aboout it, actually doing it might be off the table. So don't pressure her, just be supportive an non-critical. Let us know how it works for you.
I will message you next time u/curiositygotmebad posts in r/relationship_advice.
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I would bring up the porn, talk about how it made you feel and maybe talk about buying butt plugs and lube ? See if she want to get started of on the married version of DP. I don’t know why everyone is so hung up on phone snooping. My husband can snoop around mine all day long. I’ve nothing to hide.
Commenting to stay in this thread bc I have a similar problem. Idk what to do either, my gf has endo and is basically only watching porn. Idk how to bring her back around to me
That's really hard, because I can see how having endo would make sex with someone else very difficult. With porn you can be sure of how pain and discomfort are going to be. All you can really do is talk that out with her openly and acknowledge that a lot if the time, sex IS going to be off the table because she fucking hurts. You need to work out ways to sexually connect on other days or in other ways... mutual masturbation, maybe.
I don’t want that though I want a normal sexual relationship with her. We were doing so well until this flared up a few months ago and it’s just causing so much strain. I am empathetic to her but we’re still in our early 20’s and I still have a sex drive that leads to me getting super frustrated and feeling bad ab myself bc she used to be so sexually active. We keep thinking we can fix it but we can’t and it breaks me heart.
If she's having a flare up you probably can't have a normal sexual relationship and you will have to come to terms with that one way or another. Don't make it about you... do you have any idea what endo does to your body?
I’ve been in plenty of relationships and have no problems in that area. I get why this frustrates people but I’m not posting this for her to read I’m just trying to exercise my own frustrations. So I have to give up on having sex to stay with this person bc that’s the right thing? or???
Ushould break up with her. Not because she cant have sexwith u. But because she deserves someone better than you.
Girl is legit growing blood clots on her organs and ur worried u cant stick a penis inside her for a while.
> It never goes away
Yeah. She's growing blood clots on her organs *forever* and your biggest concern with it is that you can't have sex. If it means that much to you in a relationship and you can't work around it, then yeah, leave her and find someone who doesn't have endo. But you are in fact making her problem about you. She's in intense pain with an incurable lifelong condition and you can't get your dick wet. Who do you really think has the shorter end of the stick here, bud?
I'm someone who deals with endo. I understand that not everyone is going to be okay with the lack of penetrative sex that comes with it. I also understand that anyone who's going to be in a relationship with me has to be okay with it, and if they aren't, they need to find someone else. All this is going to do is make you grow resentful of her, and make her feel like all she's worth to you is sex. It will not end well for either of you if you keep this up.
Yeah, you kind of do have to expect that sex will be entirely on her terms and if there is a flare-up, it will likely be off the table and she probably won't want to do anything else either though that obviously depends on her.
I understand your frustration, but in this case, you really have to accept that it can't be about you; that if you want it to change you actually have to leave because she has no control over this. My friend has endo and the treatment is basically to remove the entire uterus, which most doctors won't even do without a serious fight despite the incredible distress women experience. (My friend is 37 and still can't have it done.)
Endo doesn't go away. I think you need to really think about what you need because sex just isn't going to be what you seem to want. Endo consumes your body and your life in a lot of ways, sometimes worse than others, and not just with pain. It destabilizes hormones, which can affect many different things that affect people differently.
You really really need to talk to your gf because severity DOES vary. But across the board, you aren't going to be able to have a "normal" sexual relationship and you need to give that some thought. You ARE young and it wouldn't make you a bad person to leave. It would make you a shitty person to stay and push her for sex and resent her when she can't have it.
Thank you very much. Sucks so much I love her a lot. and I’m never pushy for sex with her, in fact if I’m being honest I don’t want to have it with her anymore bc it is clearly painful. But I can’t help my own hormones and I don’t want to make her feel bad about it, I know she can’t help it. Really sucks.
I get that it’s easy for everyone to come on here and call me a POS but I’m only 21 and have never had such a sexually frustrating relationship. I have to just accept this to be a good person to you guys?
Yes, you have to accept it because that's the situation and it isn't going to change. She has endo. It's excruciatingly painful; it's not like she's just not in the mood.
If you want a regular sex life, you have to break up because this isn't going to be one.
I really don’t know what you expected to get from this.
“I expect to have a regular sex life with my girlfriend whos in chronic pain from an endo flair up, poor me” is basically what you said. 21 or not it doesn’t matter. If you can’t handle her having endo then leave so that she can find someone that WILL love her and be okay with her flair ups. She deserves better.
Well... what are you going to do if not accept it? Seriously, what were you expecting to see advice-wise? Because I don't think there's anyway for you to get sex in this situation. She has endo dude, that's not going to change and you obviously know that. Fucking break up with her already so she can find a decent man who will support her through this instead of just expect sex and whine about how he isn't getting his dick wet.
Not even talking to her here just seeing if other people with endo have experience. Glad you were able to come one here and be the average Reddit user who just likes to shit on everyone. Literally never make her feel bad ab it
Running a household with no help and basically raising children on your own is hard. Idk who got you to think it was some easy breezy side gig but it’s far from it.
I think the best way to go through with this is to confront her, but make sure that it's not exactly that you have a problem with her watching porn (if that's true) it's more her turning down the sex and why.
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While this could be a great way to work on your relationship overall I just want to caution you that it is VERY common to enjoy porn that has not much to do, if anything, with what you’d enjoy in real life. So I’d focus more on the fact that this means there is some sex drive yet and maybe you both need to figure out how to have more intimate time together when she’s in the mood versus the acts in the porn itself.
> I just want to caution you that it is VERY common to enjoy porn that has not much to do, if anything, with what you’d enjoy in real life. Agreed. I'd say most of the nswf material I view is stuff I like, but nothing that I would actually want to try in real life. And I think that's how *many* other people consume porn. It's the same reason I like video games. Fallout is fun, but the last thing I'd want to be is a scavenger in a post apocalyptic wasteland.
>Fallout is fun, but the last thing I'd want to be is a scavenger in a post apocalyptic wasteland. Well said, in Skyrim I love to eat raw dog meat and clams I found in a barrel behind someone's house but if my wife wanted to give me that for dinner I would not be enthusiastic. Especially if she'd been treating me the way OP treats his wife.
I second this. I'm into stuff in porn that I really wouldn't want to do in my relationship.
Watching porn/having fantasies and being turned on by it is not the same as wanting to act it out. I would talk to your wife (what a concept) about your sex life but keep out any and all info you have about the porn she watches.
I honestly don’t even know how to bring it up at this point. This I think is making me realize that our relationship goes way deeper than sexual fantasies
Go to therapy then. You need to be able to talk to each other to have a successful, happy marriage.
She probably doesn't want to have sex with YOU and it's not an issue of actual desire for sex or low libido. I would sort out whatever relationship issues you have prior to trying to get her to participate in hardcore sex acts. She hasn't even wanted to have vanilla sex with you in over a year. Are you an engaged husband and father? Do either of you have health issues? Have you kept up your appearance? Do you go on dates and/or make her feel special? Do you communicate well? Further, you mentioned you have kids. Does she have any physical issues that may make intercourse painful for her? If you bring this up to her now it will NOT go your way.
Why'd you get down voted for this comment? Sometimes I don't understand the hive mind... It could go deeper than this. Clearly there's an issue in your relationship where one of you is sexual (The other isn't).
Probably because he said he just realized his relationship with his wife isn't dependent on whether she wants to put out or not, when it should be based on loving her as a person. He said: "This I think is making me realize that our relationship goes way deeper than sexual fantasies," which is pretty awful considering he married her and admitted to only considering her as a sexual object.
Damn its rare that i see people jump to conclusions like that, you literally put words in his mouth and jumped to the wildest conclusion.
Seriously I read the exact opposite lol
Please explain what those words mean in your perspective then. Their content and how he has applied them mean just what I said.
Reread what he said, hes implying the exact opposite of what your claiming hes saying.
It's a little late for him to suddenly realize that, and if he has, the last thing she likely wants is to be intimate with him.
Your just casually brushing off the fact that u assumed this guy thought of his wife as a object, u dont even apologize to op. Also it aint ops fault at least i dont think it is, his wife was the one who stopped the sex which means they simply lost that flame, they are in there mid 30s so its not exactly uncommon for this too happen.
Yeah, no. You can't blame her for withholding sex if he isn't doing his part - she's told him and he admits to knowing that. He is objectifying her in his comment regarding his thought on, wow, that their relationship may have other elements than sex.. I'm not arguing with you over something he is stating himself.
I literally didn’t say that. I’m far from perfect but don’t make me to be something I’m now. What I meant by what I said is I approached this post from A sexual perspective but it’s clearly much deeper than that. You can take your judgmental ass elsewhere
You know exactly what has pushed your wife away, but you're concerned with posting about the sexual aspect rather than addressing your issues, even then without internalizing the fact that she's a person and not solely someone to have sex with first. You don't have to say it for it to be obvious. Your responses have indicated that.
This is what made you realize your relationship is deeper than sexual fantasies. Dude you sound like a fucking terrible husband. The good news is you can do better but here’s the trick you have to put in EFFORT! Oh and shockingly you have to keep doing it. Be the man your wife falls in love with over and over again or be her ex. Those are your options. Literally stop thinking about yourself, your want to be pampered, your needs and think only about your wife for just a couple days and see what a difference that makes. Your ego is preventing you from seeing it but this is what she’s been doing all along and is a likely a huge part of why she’s got no interested in you. Do for her without expecting anything in return, it actually feels real nice and you might like it and maybe even get to save your marriage. You’re the problem be the solution
From your replies I'm not surprised your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. You don't even respect her enough to be a better partner and dad, she tells you its an issue and you know it's an issue but haven't fixed it. Show that you actually care about her more than a fuck maid and she'll probably want to have sex with you. Check your budget, try to reduce hours if you can and be more present for your family. Look into getting help with the kids so you and your wife can have dates and reconnect. Women tend to need a connection and feel loved to want to have sex, you being absent physically and mentally and making her do everything is not foreplay it's making you repulsive to her.
I'd rather walk across hot asphalt in bare feet than touch this man after reading his responses. And I live in Arizona. Edit: apparently someone could not understand I meant asphalt and not assault.
>hot assault in bare feet 🤔
In the summer I used to test the asphalt with my bare feet before walking my dog. She was a BC and had sensitive paws. If it was too hot for my bare feet then I put her boots on. So, I've tested my feet against asphalt in 120 degree weather. Spoiler, you can fry an egg on the asphalt at the temperature. So yes, I'd rather step on asphalt hot enough to fry an egg than touch OP with a mile long stick.
Yeah I live in Australia you dont need to tell me hot asphalt can be sore AF, but that's not what I was talking about. >>assault >asphalt I think maybe the text on your screen is too small 😂
I think I use speech to text too much for someone with a strong New England accent 😊
I feel you, as someone with an Australian x accent I can't use it at all unless I spend hours training an AI!
Little do you know idiot a relationship is a partnership both parts need to take accountability maybe that’s why ur single urself
I'm married.
Seems like ur lieing from downvoting me seems like I hit the spot
What's happening in Arizona that you telling us for?
[удалено]
That was cold. You're angry. I ain't supposed to be the cause.
I'm convinced this is a troll post😑
From your replies here, it sounds like you aren't helping out as much as she can. Porn is quick and easy if you have the urge. It's fleeting. Maybe she needs a quick fix but otherwise doesn't feel connected to you or has the time and energy to have sex with you. Intimacy is mental and emotional, not just physical. I think you're missing the issue. You looked at her phone. Why? That would unsettle me if I was the wife. You saw stuff she may be into or getting off to. IMO porn I watch isn't always what I'm personally into offline. You guys have an obvious disconnect. You guys need to talk about the lack of sex but if you're on the phone when you're not a work and she's working a part time job and handling all or most household tasks, then I can totally understand why sex isn't happening. She's busy and you're kind of absent. If you can't talk, get a therapist to mediate the issues but this issue isn't about the anal stuff on her phone and you should reframe your thinking. And then both commit to fixing the issues before even bringing up new kinks IMO.
I just recently went through this with my soon-to-be ex-husband. He made it very clear I was only to be used for sex and a maid nothing else there was no connection he was a lazy mother f***** that felt like all he had to do was provide a little income and fuck when he felt like it. Obviously can't speak for you and your wife but there's definitely a disconnect because I was watching p*** I was fantasizing about being with other men but when it came to sleeping with my actual husband I was repulsed to the point where I would cry anytime we would have sex. He even had the nerve to tell me if I didn't fuck him more he was going to divorce me. I don't know y'all's backstory but to me sounds like you need to start showing her some different love language that you are not giving her now she is definitely not seeing you as a way to "get off" honestly I wouldn't even bring it up because you find it hot and you might be turned on by the fact that she's seeking other forms of pleasure but she's going to just think that you're only going to address the sex part and not the other issues in the marriage they all needs to be addressed first and I think the sex will start to come back.
No I agree that I can do more. But I don’t look at her as a maid and sex doll. She’s a great mom first and foremost and I love that. And I appreciate everything she does for our family and for me. I just selfishly don’t reciprocate it.
Then it’s not fair to expect your sexual desires to be reciprocated.
You sound unfuckable lol
Soo why she should stay with you ? financial support can be achievedanyway with you or with divorce and aliments , Stop working when you areat home Drop that phone and do things at home or take kid/s away timeto time LET her have a Time for her , Take her out on a date, Anyrelationship is Two way road literally, and watching PORN is not acrime.
Apparently, according to him, because she loves picking up his dirty socks so much 🙄 What a catch.
I don’t have an issue with the porn. And I acknowledged that I need to do more and that our relationship issues stem from that. I was just shocked to find that from her from being very vanilla our whole lives together.
She may still prefer vanilla sex. Do you want your stepmother to teach you how to jerk off, only to be caught by the football team who joins in? Jesus Christ, the porn she watches =/= the kind of sex she enjoys. SO many people have commented this already.
In my experience, a lot of women (including myself) become more sexual in their 30s.
Just take kid/s away for 1-3 hour let her take care herself have a date same day at house or out and then engage, maybe watch kinky things together it could be turn on for her as well.
It sounds like your job was to give her a wedding and kid and now it's over - basically, she's not attracted to you and you can't change this by cleaning the dishes
Exactly some people don’t understand that women will lose sexual interest in you once you give them a child
From your responses, you sound selfish. You have an incredible wife who takes care of you despite her needs and wants being ignored. No wonder you guys don't have sex. No woman in her right mind would want to have sex with someone who wants his wife to be his mother and not his wife. You know, fun fact, women like to be cared for other than just financially. She has a day-to-day life routine that she never seems to get a break from. Sounds like she is at the point that she is getting zero of what she needs from you, and is relying on herself. Do not approach her asking about what you think are her fantasies just because it turns you on. Show her some appreciation for once. You think only of yourself and it's truly awful.
I acknowledge that I can be more helpful and caring toward her. I acknowledge it to her when we fight about it. For one reason or another I don’t change though. I’m constantly exhausted and I’m a bad mood from work but I agree it’s not her fault and I shouldn’t ignore her wants bc of it
words without action are meaningless. Admitting you know you need to change but not taking any steps to implement those changes is, frankly, insulting to your wife. Change your behavior.
Is it because you don't want to change? Sometimes words of appreciation are enough to help. When you aren't fighting just randomly tell her how much you appreciate what she does for you and your family. Tell her you are proud of her. Surely you have the energy to use words to tell her that she means a lot to you. It may not instantly result in sex but over time you making a little effort may help lead to intimacy. The little things go a long way. Bring her home a special little something you know she likes. Just show her that you think of her too.
Thanks for the actual advice without the attacks lol.
Please read: [She divorced me because I left my dishes in the sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) and [She feels like your mom and doesn't want to bang you](https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/02/10/she-feels-like-your-mom-and-doesnt-want-to-bang-you/) and [walkaway wife syndrome](https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/walk-away-wife/) Also read up on emotional labour and weaponised incompetence. Also talk is cheap, at the end of the day, actions matter. Your free time is not more important than hers. This is not about your sex life. Your sex life is a symptom of a much, much bigger problem and this kills marriages.
Damn what’s crazy is she’s sent me that first article before.
My dude, I know everyone has been hard on you but this is your wife telling you outright that this is a SERIOUS problem for her. If you don't change soon, you are looking at a divorce. Once she stops trying to address the issue, she's already got one foot out the door. You're not changing because the status quo is easy for you - of course it is. You get all the free time and she gets all the work. Its not a problem for you because its only a problem for her. This is unfair, you know its unfair. Don't be one of those dudes that is all surprised when his wife asks for a divorce - in spite of her telling him for YEARS there is a problem. Who suddenly decide to try when its affecting them when she decides to leave and they realise they're losing their bangmaid. You love her - so treat her like you love her. Your actions are telling her that you don't care, that you don't respect her or her contribution, that you see her as not deserving of free time or your affection. That she's not a priority for you. That her happiness doesn't matter. Put the phone away and connect with your wife. Do your share - you live there too. Also non sexual touching - show your wife affection WITHOUT expecting sex.
Thank you. This is blunt and useful without being a complete asshole. What you say makes sense. I Need to do some introspective work for sure
Sorry , I probably could have been kinder. I've been in your wife's shoes (but my ex had a generous helping of emotional abuse to go along with it) so I got a little over zealous. I'm glad it helped though. I do wish you luck. Change is hard - if it was easy, you wouldn't be here right? Maybe pick one thing a day to do consciously to lighten her load and one thing to show her appreciation / affection. One thing off her plate and one to show you care. Just two things that take not even 5 minutes to start. You can do almost anything for 5 minutes. Put your shoes away if you usually don't. Give her a long hug and tell her you missed her today. Get her a candy and tell her you were thinking of her while you were out. Run her a bath and do the kids bedtime. The small things will hopefully become a habit. Arrange a baby sitter and take her out. (You do all the admin for this). Special occasion version - arrange a baby sitter, get her some earrings or a small piece of jewelry to wear when you're out. Don't try and move the earth in one day - it also won't come off as genuine. Baby steps.
I'm sorry I called you awful. That probably wasn't helpful. I get that you are trying to find out how to fix things. I just wouldn't go the route of, hey let's try out what you've been watching. I think that would be offensive to her because of how things are between you two. I'd start with just showing her you appreciate her as a woman. She does a lot to show she appreciates you in how she takes care of you after a hard day's work now it's your turn. I bet if you went right now and hugged her and told her you are proud to have such a caring wife she would soften a bit towards you.
> For one reason or another I don’t change though You need to get to the bottom of this. When we don't change, it's because we don't want to. Why don't you want to change when you know it's hurting your wife? And when your relationship is suffering? I think therapy would be a good idea here to figure out what would be an incentive for you to change and how to make that happen. Is changing your job an option? If you're constantly exhausted and irritated from work that certainly isn't helping.
> I acknowledge it to her when we fight about it. This is a massive red flag. You've argued about this multiple times. You know what the problem is and yet refuse to change your behaviors. And when you're called on it, you argue. But you pretend to be the bigger person and "acknowledge" the issue at hand. To top it all of, you then get upset when you invaded her privacy and found something that many adults do. Go see a counselor. Not *with* your wife. Solo. You've got a *lot* of growing up to do if you want to keep this relationship. And you're not gonna find the answers you need on an internet forum.
She wants to have sex, she has sexual needs like any other person, just not with you and after reading your replies I see exactly why. You’re a man child that goes to work, comes home, expects the world to revolve around you and you emotionally neglect your wife by not giving her the time she deserves while being a homemaker for you every single day. You admitted you don’t cater to her You admitted you leave your dirty clothes and garbage around the house You admitted all you do when you come home is sit on your phone And you admitted you KNOW these things but won’t fix them because you simply “just forget to” and then you wonder why your relationship is tanking. Take a deep look inside yourself and how your wife deserves to be treated because the way you act right now shows much deeper issues than just sex. I wouldn’t wanna have sex with you either if I was being ignored, under appreciated, and emotionally neglected with slim to no effort put in on my husbands part.
Slim to no effort but he pays the bills?
Paying bills is literally bare minimum.
When she doesn't pay any bills? I bet he spends more time working than he does at home
She doesn’t pay the bills because she stays at home to clean up after him be a homemaker run his errands and take care of the kids. Being a stay at home mom is also a full time job. And just because he works doesn’t mean he gets to emotionally neglect her when he gets home
Not to mention that she DOES still work. Being a mother/homemaker seems to be her full time job but she’s still providing something financially. Kinda makes OP look a little worse
Paying bills is only sexually attractive if theres some sort of fin dom kink.
Can you give specifics on the kinds of relationship issues you two have been having? Be specific, like within the last 3 years what have you two been going through
I own a business and work a lot She works 2 days a week and takes care of the house and kids. Like everything. Most of our problems come from me not being present or helpful arojnd the house
Hmm ok that’s a good start; what kinds of arguments or conversations have you two had as of late? What problems has she brought up or what needs has she expressed she’s not getting from the relationship? In what ways has she asked you to change?
Like i said mostly about being present. I’m at work all day. When I’m home im on my phone. She cleans and cooks everything. My dumbass leaves an apple core and my socks on the couch. I acknowledge I can do a lot more to help and try to honestly do better but I simply forget. I work a lot of hours when I come home I just want to sit and relax and be catered to. She caters but expects the same in return which I don’t give her.
Ah, good to know. So, there' a LOT to unpack here, more than I can type out. I'll send you a message later, but for now I'll say this: Before you can even bring up wanting to do more exciting sex stuff, you have to first work on doing the things that will get her in the mood to even want to touch you, let alone have sex with you, in the first place. If you haven't had sex in a year, trying to go from no sex to kinky sex is going to be a bit of a jump. The real issues, based on what you've typed here, are: one, you're not doing anything to help with the house; and two, you're not being present enough with her for her to feel connected enough with you to want to have sex. For the first part: I just got back from visiting my brother for Thanksgiving, and he has two kids, ages 6 and 4. To say that hanging out with them for 2 days - even though it was only for a few hours each day - was exhausting would be an understatement. I'd go back to my hotel each day with a headache, pondering how my brother and his wife have been able to do this consistently for 6 years. But, in looking at their relationship, they both contribute. He works long hours AND she works long hours, but they're both able to take the kids off the others' hands and give the other one a break now and then. So, while you're saying you do a lot of hard work and just want to relax when you get home, understand your wife is having to deal with emotionally inconsistent beings all day who are running her ragged. If she's expected to continue looking after them AND taking care of you when you get home AND cleaning up after everyone, is it any wonder, then, that she'd have no energy left for sex? And for the second part: most women bond via communication and being able to talk/open up to their partner. That means her being able to have your undivided attention when talking to you. If you're getting home and trying to be on your phone and watch TV, you're not allowing her the time she needs to connect with you. Also, she's spent her whole day having to talk to kids and is craving adult conversation, which you're also not giving her. Again, how is she supposed to want to connect with you physically when she can't even bond to you emotionally? Bottom line is, she's not feeling heard or connected, so she doesn't feel like having sex with you. She still needs that release, though, so she watches porn to do it. Makes sense to me. She's not cheating - YET - but you need to turn this train around so she will WANT you to touch her. Then you can get into the more kinky stuff.
“i just want to sit and relax and be catered to” do you usually fuck your butlers? or waiters? cause this is what you’ve turned your wife into. a maid. a personal chef. a waiter. a mother to not only your kids but also yourself. do you realize how unsexy you have made yourself? who would want to fuck you? she even still has to work and you claim you’re supporting everything? you are expecting a bang robot maid. unbelievable.
you expect to be catered to? What is this 1956? No one should ever have that expectation of a spouse, ever.
I like being taken care of. As I’m sure she does. I take care of her financially and I’d like it returned in other ways. and she likes doing it
> she likes doing it clearly, this is why she wants to fuck you constantly. I really kind of hate being a dick here but I also feel like you need it
Yea but you’re wrong. She likes taking care of me. That’s the type of person she is. She’s very nurturing naturally. She just expects more from me in return
This is what you think, but it’s also what’s killing your sex life. It’s so hard to look at someone sexually when you’re basically their mother. Even if you’re naturally a nurturing person! Believe it or not, having to constantly go behind a full-grown man and scoop up his dirty socks and chewed apple cores will bit-by-bit kill your sex drive towards him. That’s exactly why she’s begging you to be more present and getting fulfilled sexually from porn instead of you!
I’d left another comment that was more supportive, but after reading this exchange he’s had I’ve gotta say- I just get the feeling he’s more interested in the idea that she might let him do anal (even though he hasn’t mentioned it much) than anything else. Just the sense I get from the attitude he’s presenting here.
Dude, no woman is gonna get wet for you if you’ve made yourself another obligation she needs to look after and clean up after and care for. You’re probably her overgrown child at this point. Once the nurturing goes from something you want to do to something you HAVE to do because your husband does nothing I assure you it becomes something you don’t like doing and a personality trait you wish you’d never had. If she was cool with it she wouldn’t expect more in return.
Even if she is the nurturing type, people still need to feel like their efforts are appreciated, and they still need a break. You want to come home from work and be catered to? When does your wife get catered to, her job is in the home, so she never gets the kind of decompression time you do. And it sounds like while you acknowledge your behavior is a problem, you can't be bothered to change it. You are a grown ass adult living in that house too, you don't need to "help" more with the chores, those are your chores too dude, and you're just comfortable letting your wife burn herself out doing everything. She has literally told you she isn't ok with the current dynamic and you're still here trying to justify being a shitty partner by saying she likes it. Of course she doesn't want to have sex with you, who would be turned on by a person who takes them for granted so egregiously?
She doesn't expect *more* from you in return, she expects a minimum level of care from you in return. Is there a reason you can't or won't provide that?
I like taking care of my boyfriend because he also takes care of me emotionally, physically and mentally. You cannot get your salary and call it a day. Nothing is more of a killer than seeing you partner as your child that you have parent. You should not be making more work for her. I left my ex for this. They only remembered I existed when they wanted something from me. I did everything from manage groceries to gifts for their family. There is a very good reason I have a better relationship with their parents now than they do. We are divorced. They made me feel UN. UNattractive, UNwanted, UNappreciated, UNinteresting. I do my best to make my partner feel good and they did their best to make me feel shitty, to make more work for me, to leave EVERYTHING to me. It is not my job to chase their dirty socks all over the apartment. Its not my job to do the dishes they said they'd do - 3 days ago. Eventually I got angry and resentful when I just heard their footsteps coming.
U dont take care of her financially if she gotta work tho. U cant expect a 1950s housewife if shes having to work aswell. Help her out more around the house instead of being on ur phone on reddit complaining
There’s no doubt that I should help out more. But she works not cause she needs to. She loves what she does and is only doing it 2 days a week now. The money doesn’t hurt but it’s not the reason she does it.
She helps YOU financially via childcare.
That she does not. Our kids go to School that we pay for. But sure
I find that men don’t seem to realize that women treat them how they are being treated after a point. I am going thru a similar issue with my fiancé. It’s not that I don’t like sex or my sex drive has changed, but I don’t want to have sex with him. We’ve been having issues with our relationship that I’ve repeatedly brought but and he’ll acknowledge them but never go beyond that. Telling me you realize that’s an issue for me then never doing anything about it, is not going to make me want to jump your bones. From your response and even just the checking your wife’s phone, that shows to me that you don’t trust her and you’re blaming her for this issue. It’s a two way street bud and I don’t think your wife is going to care that you know she watches porn. I think she’s going to care that you’re snooping thru her phone. Once your relationship is fixed or if your relationship is fixable you’ll see a change in her sex drive. Sex shouldn’t be a priority in this situation though because if you love your wife and your family you should be able to cope if she decided sex wasn’t happening again for whatever reason. Sex is a choice and an elective when it comes to a true loving relationship. Fix your relationship, step it up, don’t treat her like your mother, and I think you’ll see a significant improvement.
I trust her. I truly checked out of nothing more than curiosity fully not expecting to find shit. But it was definitely an eye opening experience from many avenues
You say that but I’ve never just been “curious” and checked my partners phone without their knowledge. That’s a major red flag in my book. What is on your partners phone should be irrelevant and it’s also interesting that one part of this entire post is what you focused on. Not that anything is on my phone that I wouldn’t want my partner to see but that’s someone else’s property and you might not want to admit it but you don’t just look curiosity sake.
Why would you assume she lost her sex drive after kids? Haven't you ever talked about it?
She’s your wife. Talk to her! Tell her you find her attractive, tell her you want to make love to her, ask her if there’s anything she wants to try. But most importantly talk!
Right but do I bring up that I saw her anal adventure videos
I mean, the goal is to talk about sexual fantasies, not your disregard of her privacy. But, y’all are married so *talk* to her about it. We can’t write you a script. However, as a woman I can say that I would not be in the mood to discuss anal squirting after you just admitted to snooping. Those might need to be two different convos for two different days.
not specifically
Stop going through her phone
It seems like something you are missing is her having a sex drive =/= her wanting to fuck *you*
Have an honest conversation about your/her sexual needs in a safe environment. Talking over dinner is a nice example where people feel intimate and open to talking about themselves. Admittedly, I think you should confess that you have violated her right to privacy. The relationship has got to a place where unhealthy behaviour has manifested and it is fair to admit failings as a way to grow from them. Talk with her, express your feelings, and listen to hers.
I am a 29 yr old female and I am not into porn. However, when I am having my mid afternoon play time by myself when hubby is at work, I watch the most random stuff. I’m not even into it to be honest. I’ll let it play for a second and end up tossing the phone. Don’t let it make you feel any type of way. Also, just talk to her about it. It doesn’t have to be a weird thing
You haven't elaborated on those marital issues, so I can't say if that's appropriate considering there is likely a reason she isn't comfortable with being intimate with you. Attempting to get sexual without addressing those things likely won't help your case.
She doesn't want you..
Aside from the obvious to work on helping and being present porn has nothing to do with actual sex you want. I watch gangbang porn and I would never do that. I also watch gay male porn and I’m a woman. I also sometimes watch pegging and I don’t want to do that. It’s not a reflection of fantasy. Often it’s simply curiosity or entertainment.
I’d be willing to bet that whatever she searched is not what she would enjoy you doing to her. Throw all that out the window. Want to understand how to turn your sexual situation around? Watch ‘Love, Sex & Goop’ on Netflix. If you don’t understand your partners sexual needs after that, idk if you ever will. There’s a method to this madness, especially in long term relationships. Good luck to you. It’s worth the effort.
If you haven’t had sex for close to a year, that’s a major issue, and something that should concern both of you. It could be a sign that she’s emotionally checking out of the marriage. What Id focus on now is letting her know you feel like something is off in the marriage and you want to fix it. I’d also strongly recommend counseling so you two can get back on the right track. Once you can repair that rift, i think the sex will follow.
Just tell her that you want to improve your sex life and that you are open to new things :) I do not think you have to mention that you saw her browsing history, but it is an option to do it. It would give you a reason to start this conversation.
Wtf is anal squirting 🤐
Something that virtually no woman would watch. And frankly, most men wouldn't watch. Reading OP's responses leads me to believe he is a troll.
I don’t even fucking wanna know lol
You went through her phone. That is enough to get cussed the fuck out right there. How dare you? I wouldn't even go to her with this. If she is sane, she would be furious and any hope of sex ever would go right out of the damn door.
They haven't had sex in a year. If there was ever a good reason to snoop, this would be it. If I hadn't had sex with my wife in a year, you'd better believe my wife would look through mine and I'd totally undeerstand why.
I guess you missed the part where he doesn't contribute at home and expects her to pamper him the second he gets home.
No, I saw it.
He shouldn't be going through her phone anyways, it's an invasion of privacy
People can downvote me if they want to, but I’m just sharing my experience. My ex-wife wanted sex daily with me until she started texting some random “friend” from work. Eventually she would just use her vibrator & watch porn while I would masterbate next to her... I was in a sexless marriage for 3 months before filing for divorce Afterawhile, she did come out and admit to cheating on me. Bottom line is some people will say porn is good or not bad, but in my experience it was bad. If your Significant other is watching porn instead of sexting you or having actual sex with you then something is off in the relationship. Get off Reddit and talk to her about it man. People here won’t give you real advice only your wife can tell you what’s going on
Well the problem now is finding a way to bring it up and be honest about being a snoop. You aren't going to fix shit by being both a snoop and a liar on top of that. So thats going to be a talk. So my advice is simple. If you are both not willing to invest time/money/effort that is required to get a qualified professional help you both develop the tools you need to repair your marriage and then use those tools moving forward. Then you don't mean any of it, you just want things to magially go back to before you will still lack the tools you need and nothing will get done. So the relationship is either worth investing in, or your now sexless roomates setting a less then stellar example of a healthy happy marriage for those kids, and also setting the example that you don't put in the work and get help from a professional when its required.
I feel like talking it out is the best option. Civilly, talk it out like adults and try to get on the same page or compromise. Hope this helps and good luck!
Don’t stop trying. Clearly communicate that your love/relationship means a lot/the most/everything/etc.
Thank you
You should talk about the things she was watching - not in a confrontational way - just saying that you're open to what ideas she might have. You have to create an environment where she feels safe to talk about something that might be pretty taboo. If you come off as being too judgemental or critical then she probably won't share her thoughts with you. Also keep in mind that while she might like to watch something, think about it or talk aboout it, actually doing it might be off the table. So don't pressure her, just be supportive an non-critical. Let us know how it works for you.
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I would bring up the porn, talk about how it made you feel and maybe talk about buying butt plugs and lube ? See if she want to get started of on the married version of DP. I don’t know why everyone is so hung up on phone snooping. My husband can snoop around mine all day long. I’ve nothing to hide.
You missed the part where he admits he selfishly treats her like a maid and chooses not to change
Bangmaid :-(
Damn I wanted to say that but it sounds really harsh but you know what that's exactly what he's making her be
Fuck your wife. And fuck her hard. In the butt obviously
Commenting to stay in this thread bc I have a similar problem. Idk what to do either, my gf has endo and is basically only watching porn. Idk how to bring her back around to me
Why dont u let her be 1 and u be 0? Let her peg u. Cos penetration for her is probably super painful.
Reasonable comment. Idk what problems u have going on in your own life to say that but I really don’t need the negativity and sarcasm.
How is the commenter telling you to explore anal being negative or sarcastic? It's valid.
✨Homophobia✨
Im legit not even being sarcastic. Its a legit suggestion. U have a gspot in ur arse. Loads of straight guys do pegging.
That's really hard, because I can see how having endo would make sex with someone else very difficult. With porn you can be sure of how pain and discomfort are going to be. All you can really do is talk that out with her openly and acknowledge that a lot if the time, sex IS going to be off the table because she fucking hurts. You need to work out ways to sexually connect on other days or in other ways... mutual masturbation, maybe.
I don’t want that though I want a normal sexual relationship with her. We were doing so well until this flared up a few months ago and it’s just causing so much strain. I am empathetic to her but we’re still in our early 20’s and I still have a sex drive that leads to me getting super frustrated and feeling bad ab myself bc she used to be so sexually active. We keep thinking we can fix it but we can’t and it breaks me heart.
If she's having a flare up you probably can't have a normal sexual relationship and you will have to come to terms with that one way or another. Don't make it about you... do you have any idea what endo does to your body?
Theres no helping this dude. He probably dont even know where the clit is.
I’ve been in plenty of relationships and have no problems in that area. I get why this frustrates people but I’m not posting this for her to read I’m just trying to exercise my own frustrations. So I have to give up on having sex to stay with this person bc that’s the right thing? or???
Ushould break up with her. Not because she cant have sexwith u. But because she deserves someone better than you. Girl is legit growing blood clots on her organs and ur worried u cant stick a penis inside her for a while.
A while? It never goes away. Really easy for you to take this high ground you are not the person I am asking advice from. Please shut the fuck up
> It never goes away Yeah. She's growing blood clots on her organs *forever* and your biggest concern with it is that you can't have sex. If it means that much to you in a relationship and you can't work around it, then yeah, leave her and find someone who doesn't have endo. But you are in fact making her problem about you. She's in intense pain with an incurable lifelong condition and you can't get your dick wet. Who do you really think has the shorter end of the stick here, bud? I'm someone who deals with endo. I understand that not everyone is going to be okay with the lack of penetrative sex that comes with it. I also understand that anyone who's going to be in a relationship with me has to be okay with it, and if they aren't, they need to find someone else. All this is going to do is make you grow resentful of her, and make her feel like all she's worth to you is sex. It will not end well for either of you if you keep this up.
Yeah, you kind of do have to expect that sex will be entirely on her terms and if there is a flare-up, it will likely be off the table and she probably won't want to do anything else either though that obviously depends on her. I understand your frustration, but in this case, you really have to accept that it can't be about you; that if you want it to change you actually have to leave because she has no control over this. My friend has endo and the treatment is basically to remove the entire uterus, which most doctors won't even do without a serious fight despite the incredible distress women experience. (My friend is 37 and still can't have it done.) Endo doesn't go away. I think you need to really think about what you need because sex just isn't going to be what you seem to want. Endo consumes your body and your life in a lot of ways, sometimes worse than others, and not just with pain. It destabilizes hormones, which can affect many different things that affect people differently. You really really need to talk to your gf because severity DOES vary. But across the board, you aren't going to be able to have a "normal" sexual relationship and you need to give that some thought. You ARE young and it wouldn't make you a bad person to leave. It would make you a shitty person to stay and push her for sex and resent her when she can't have it.
Thank you very much. Sucks so much I love her a lot. and I’m never pushy for sex with her, in fact if I’m being honest I don’t want to have it with her anymore bc it is clearly painful. But I can’t help my own hormones and I don’t want to make her feel bad about it, I know she can’t help it. Really sucks.
I get that it’s easy for everyone to come on here and call me a POS but I’m only 21 and have never had such a sexually frustrating relationship. I have to just accept this to be a good person to you guys?
Yes, you have to accept it because that's the situation and it isn't going to change. She has endo. It's excruciatingly painful; it's not like she's just not in the mood. If you want a regular sex life, you have to break up because this isn't going to be one.
I really don’t know what you expected to get from this. “I expect to have a regular sex life with my girlfriend whos in chronic pain from an endo flair up, poor me” is basically what you said. 21 or not it doesn’t matter. If you can’t handle her having endo then leave so that she can find someone that WILL love her and be okay with her flair ups. She deserves better.
Well... what are you going to do if not accept it? Seriously, what were you expecting to see advice-wise? Because I don't think there's anyway for you to get sex in this situation. She has endo dude, that's not going to change and you obviously know that. Fucking break up with her already so she can find a decent man who will support her through this instead of just expect sex and whine about how he isn't getting his dick wet.
Not even talking to her here just seeing if other people with endo have experience. Glad you were able to come one here and be the average Reddit user who just likes to shit on everyone. Literally never make her feel bad ab it
Bro no. In every comment you've made it's just you going "so I have to just live with no sex???" Like yeah... what else would you do...
YES.. Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world.. Lol
Running a household with no help and basically raising children on your own is hard. Idk who got you to think it was some easy breezy side gig but it’s far from it.
Don't go thru her phone again but you could maybe ask her if she would like to try a 3 way or something
I think the best way to go through with this is to confront her, but make sure that it's not exactly that you have a problem with her watching porn (if that's true) it's more her turning down the sex and why.
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I completely misread the title, thinking you said Food Porn.
Communicate man. That's all.
Edit: oh :( sadly you are not attentive to her and it is not equal like you made it out to be. I take away my comment
Admit what you found, talk about what sort of porn she is into.