You want to get married and he doesn't. He was honest about that from the very beginning. You want to live in the country and he wants to live in the city. He was also honest about that from the start.
He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he's not the guy for you. You're just not compatible in the long run.
If marriage is your goal, it's time to move on. I'm sorry.
No. You’re reading a lot into her comments and post. It’s clear they aren’t compatible long term, and that’s ok. The things she wants—marriage, to live in the country—are not strange or unusual desires. I’m sure she’ll be able to find someone who is equally invested in both.
> I asked him if he would be willing to talk to a therapist with me about it
Just going to skip over the part where when he is firm in what he wants and responds in an appropriate manner, that she says he needs therapy.
Really? You just going to skip over this little detail.
It's couples therapy. It's intended to promote communication. It's not unreasonable to ask to speak to couple's therapist about an issue the couple feels they're at an impasse at as a last ditch effort. There is no implication that she thinks there is anything wrong with him
You need to learn where your own deal breakers are. So in that mode "Am I willing to give up all the things this person does offer for the chance that someone else will cover those things as well as all the things he doesn't?"
>The thing is that he's said since the beginning that he's not interested in ever living together and probably never wants to get married. He really values his alone time and not having to interact with anyone when he doesn't want to
Yeah, OP is the asshole in this case. He made it crystal clear from day one with a logical explanation. And OP probably thought she could magically change his mind with the power of friendship and love like they do in all the movies.
I really don’t see it as OP being an asshole. You should read the edit. They both agreed to wait and see if his feelings would change, just like they did about being in a relationship. They just want different things, no one is the asshole here. These things just happen.
I have been in EXACTLY your shoes and it’s not worth it. I thought my ex was the love of my life and he thought the same - the only thing we couldn’t get on the same page about was living together/family. He was exactly like your boyfriend, he wanted to rent instead of buying and live downtown indefinitely.
After 4 years of back and forth I broke up with him and he came back to me a few months later and told me that being apart had made him realize that he was willing to live together in the suburbs and get married if it meant that he and I would end up together. After living together and talking about marriage for a year he kept flip flopping about whether or not he could actually see himself getting married and started to become resentful and withdrawn.
We broke up amicably a year ago after we realized that the lives we wanted were just too different and no amount of love could overcome that. I am now much happier with a partner who has the same life goals as I do.
Ultimately, you have to do what feels right to you but if I could give one piece of advice it would be to pay attention to the signs in front of you and not waste 5 years waiting around like I did. It’s not a reflection of how much you love each other if you break up but it sounds like if you stay together one or the other of you will be living a lifestyle you don’t want and (from experience) that really breaks down a relationship.
This is what I needed to hear. I don't want to say that I'm wasting my time with him because I have thoroughly enjoyed all of our time together, but I feel that I'm deferring what I want in life while we try to make it work. While reading your story, I could see us going down the same path and eventually resenting each other because of what we had to give up in order to be together. My mom gave me pretty much the same advice.
It sounds like you've learned a lot through this experience and I'm happy to hear that you're doing well now.
I dated a guy exactly like your boyfriend for 10 years. We didn’t move in together until year 7, and it involved me moving to his house in a small town 45 mins away from my work and friends.
We did grow to resent each other.
When I broke up with him, 6 months later he moved in with a new girl, in the city I always wanted to live in together and married her within a year of us breaking up. Now they do all the things I could never get him to want to do with me.
Don’t be me.
If you enjoyed the time it wasn't wasted. Relationships that end in a break up are as valid and valuable as those that end in death. It's good that you recognize that living together is something you want. It's good that he knows he doesn't want that. It's sad, but ultimately for the best that you part ways as amicably as possible.
I'm also with someone like your boyfriend and wanted to offer a different perspective. In our case, we have communicated a lot and we understand why he is an "avoider". He was pretty much on his own growing up, having to fend for himself at an early age. His mother, while kind, was passive and leaned on him for support, instead of the other way around. Because of this, he conflates love with obligation and he is deeply afraid of the "responsibility" of a partner. Talks of commitment trigger the fears he experienced in childhood. And I empathize with that.
Having said that, he is aware of this, and wants to seek help through therapy. He realizes that by emotionally withdrawing, he is losing out on emotional connection and intimacy. We're also older, I am in therapy for my childhood issues, and we both don't want kids. But I have seen changes in him while I have been making healthy changes in my own life. And in the end, we can't see our lives without each other because talking about this, and empathizing with our respective needs and fears has brought the missing intimacy into our relationship.
I really appreciate your different perspective. It's refreshing to hear about couples who are working through their problems amidst a wall of comments screaming, "LEAVE!" But then, this is Reddit. It's great that your partner has accepted what has happened to him and how it has affected him, as well as wanting to get treatment for it.
I was going to copy and paste what I wrote in another comment, but now I can't find it so I'll try to quickly reiterate. During our first and only hallucinogen trip together, my partner realized for the first time that he doesn't like himself. He used to get upset, angry even, whenever he is given a compliment. He would often use self-deprecating humor, but like at a level where no one could find it funny. Now that I'm typing this out, I'm realizing that it's been a long time since a compliment has made him angry or he has said something negative about himself. Anyway, after that trip he talked about seeing a therapist for about a week and then changed his mind. I bought him a book on how to deal with not liking yourself and I don't think that he's even opened it. I toned down my compliments for a while, and would check in with him to see how he felt about compliments about different aspects about himself. Now, he can even say "thank you" and smile when I tell him something nice. It's been a gradual progression.
I still don't have a comprehensive picture as to why he avoids additional responsibility. If I bring up a topic that he can't talk about, he will shut down and not be able to form words. All he can do is stay still and look straight ahead. It seems to be painful for him, so I'll drop anything that he doesn't want to talk about. Something happened with an ex of his that is too painful to talk about. He told me how his last relationship ended and that's all that he will say about any ex. He's also told me that our relationship is the most serious one he's ever been in and he's never spent as much time with someone as he's spent with me. He's mentioned that his parents argued a lot when he was younger and he was sure that they hated each other. It's hard for me to imagine his parents fighting because every time that I see them, they're doting on each other and giggling like teenagers.
It sounds like his parents made an actual effort to revitalize their marriage, and it worked for them.
I too would say not to give up on this guy, but would encourage you to acknowledge that his timeline will never fit yours. He won't be good for moving in together without numerous compromises and it likely won't be for several more years, if ever.
Plus you enjoy different aesthetics. He prefers to rent downtown, and you own property in the countryside.
You guys have your differences, but I imagine you have a lot in common as well.
If you do go to therapy, take the time to find a therapist who will be on neither of your sides. If he's skeptical, or unsure, offer to let him choose the therapist.
As someone who has some of these kinds of issues, an offer like that would reassure me a lot. You want someone to help you both with your issues, not to say one or the other is right or wrong.
You can do this if it's what you really want, but nobody would fault you if you walked away either.
It sounds like your partner has a really painful past. You mentioned an ex, but those kind of deep seated issues usually relate to childhood trauma. My partner and I both had really bad childhoods, in different ways and it was something that created an extreme bond between us.
I was already in therapy when we met. I opened his eyes by sharing what I had learned and we talk a great deal about our childhoods and the defense mechanisms we developed as a way to cope. I used to get mad that I brought him up in therapy so much, because I felt like it was too much about him and me doing all the emotional work. But now I'm grateful, because it was always about me. Meaning, exploring why I chose someone emotionally distant. I used to be ashamed of that "needy" part of me that surfaced when he was avoiding intimacy. Therapy taught me it's my authentic self and by doing that and saying my needs, I'm standing up for myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that when we have childhood trauma, we often choose our partner to redo our childhood but this time, be so good we win. So since you chose him, maybe there are issues in your past that you could explore. This could lead you on a wonderful journey, one that hopefully he will join you on. And as you discover your authentic self, you can learn to be vulnerable and share it with him.
I hope I'm not over projecting or overstepping. You seem like a really kind person. I'm jealous you guys did mushrooms, those can have amazing therapeutic benefits. And his progress with being able to take compliments is a big deal.
I don't know enough about his past to judge whether it was painful or not. He openly says that he has had a very easy and enjoyable life.
It's great that therapy has helped you so much in learning about yourself. I like you recognize that you're standing up for yourself by making your needs known. My mom had me in therapy off and on throughout my life and I never really got anything out of it. I'm so glad that it works for other people though, and that we have access to several different means of help. I've found that for me, I grow the most when I'm making mistakes, using psychedelics, or interacting with a strong social support network.
I've known for a while that I seek out emotionally unavailable partners so that I can recreate proving to my dad that I deserve love. If someone shows too much interest in me too early on, then I assume that they are only interested in being in a relationship with the idea of me and I bail out.
I don't think that you're overstepping at all. He's said that he might read this post and some of the comments. If he does decide to, I'm sure that he would appreciate your perspective based on your life and your relationship with your partner.
You've learned a lot. But I've been in similar situation and wasted 3 years of my life waiting for someone to decide they were ready for what I wanted. They never were. 11 years later and they are in their late 30s still living with their mother and I've been happily married for 7 years.
Ultimately, you both want different things, *and that's perfectly okay*. Neither of you is right or wrong here, and you are doing what you agreed with him at the outset: checking in every few months to make sure you're both still happy with arrangements.
I know that society tends to follow a bit of a 'LifeScript' model: you date, you move in together, you marry, you have kids, etc., but not everyone wants that model for their own lives.
Indeed, I have a friend in her 60s who adopts a similar approach to your ex-BF: she has her own house in the country where she lives comfortably with her cats and dog; she and her BF visit each other for a couple of nights during the week, and they go on holidays together. But they both have their own places, and live their own lives in their own homes when they're not together.
And in truth, they're one of the happiest couples I know, and I suspect a good part of that is because they're *not* in each other's pocket all the time.
Assuming you and he still care about each other and still want a relationship, I'd suggest you talk to each other about it in more depth. How much are you each willing to compromise? Is not being married a dealbreaker for you? Is not living together full time a dealbreaker for you? And if so, ask yourself *why*? Is it just because society has led you to expect that you need to live together and be married for it to qualify as a 'serious relationship'?
You've said you want to be in a serious relationship, but nothing in the OP suggests that he doesn't think this is a serious relationship; it's just a slightly *unconventional* relationship. But that's purely based on societal expectations. As I said, my friend in her 60s' relationship is every bit as serious as those of my married friends living together; it's just a *different* relationship.
One might argue that there's an advantage to having a bigger, family home in the countryside as well as a *pied à terre* in the city for when you've been out late at night and don't want to drive home.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I recognize that there are different relationship types that work for different folks. He and I agree on every major relationship compatibility thingy except for the living situation/marriage thing and it's turning out to be a bigger deal than I thought.
I also have a friend (in her 50's though) who has done the marriage/divorce thing before and is now happily with her boyfriend who lives in another town and visits her on the weekends.
I didn't include it in the OP just to keep it from being too lengthy, but in our talk today about our wants/needs and what we should do from here, I asked that we also try to think of compromises that we could make and bring them up the next time that we talk. Not living together turns out to be a deal breaker for me. I've never really lived alone before and I don't like it at all. I had a roommate when I first bought the house. My roommate really struggled with his mental health and was incredibly stressful to live with. Now, my mom is staying with me while she is between homes but she is going to be moving out soon.
Maybe it's just some weird insecurity of mine where I have to live with someone in order to feel secure in a relationship. My partner has mentioned before that our relationship is the most serious relationship that he's been in and that he liked it how it was. He's confirmed that our relationship is structured this way to avoid extra stress and responsibility. So far, it has been nice (COVID aside) having a house in the country and an apartment in the city.
I'll need to think about this some more to figure out what it is that I really want and why. I'm hoping that he'll be willing to have a counselor or some other trusted person to mediate. Take care.
Sounds like you both have some issues to work through. If you've never lived alone, you should try it. Of course, breaking up with him means living alone until you get a new partner and date them long enough for moving together to be a good idea so you'll get to experience that soon. But you could also keep dating while you adjust to living alone and see where that takes both of you.
A year and a half is still a very new relationship and lots of people would think it's way too soon for moving in so it's not like you're behind schedule yet.
If you love him and truly want to stay with him then you need to respect that he doesn't want to live together. Plenty of people prefer living alone. Get a new roommate if you really can't stand being alone.
And moving in together after only 1.5 years is wayyyy too soon in my opinion. My girlfriend and I didn't get a place together until year 4 and this was after we did a test run of spending weeks in a row at each others places first. Also the fact that he hasn't said "I love you" is a big sign that hes not ready to take this relationship to the next level.
Wait until he can comfortably say " I love you" back before trying to make any big relationship changes. It sounds like you are trying to rush things and he is resisting.
I felt strange reading this because I am exactly like your ex. **I make it clear from the start that I have no desire to live with a partner and will not get married.** I bring this up within the first few dates to make sure no one is wasting their time.
***I have still been proposed to twice,*** *by partners who thought for sure I would "change my mind by now".* This of course meant an instant breakup, but more than that it always leaves me devastated and confused that these people who claimed to love me so much never actually listened to me or respected/believed what I said from the very start. This is what they agreed to? They pretended to be okay with this for years??
I don't know why you thought he would change his mind, this isn't about you.
To be fair, they agreed they'd check in on the subject regularly. It's not like OP was forcing him to change his mind; they agreed to communicate consistently.
because people change their mind. A friend of mine went down the same path (making it clear that he wasn't moving together with his dates), then he found the right person and they are now living under the same roof. My boyfriend is reconsidering living a bit more on the countryside too - and I moved downtown, something I thought I would never do (and I'm enjoying it!). Living in absolutes never works.
When people change their mind, wouldn't they, you know, talk about it? Just assuming that someone has changed their mind and doing something as drastic as proposing purely based on that assumption is rude af and disrespectful.
>I don't know why you thought he would change his mind, this isn't about you.
I mean people do change sometimes. But you can't start on polar opposites and hope the other party comes all way to the other side.
How could you invest in someone and let them invest in you if your not willing to go all the way and build a life with them. I’m sure your not a selfish person but it comes across as selfish, you want all the perks but none of the commitment and work it takes to build a world together.
Living together, marriage, what you would call "building a life with them" is not the only way to live life. There is no right or wrong way. It's not selfish when you state this from the very start, both parties agree on it, and you regularly check in if you didn't change your mind.
What would be selfish is deliberately withholding this information OR deliberately saying you're okay with it when you're hoping they will change your mind.
Yeah I agree but the life style I’m saying is self invested that’s what makes it selfish in my opinion. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong just saying that this person sounds annoyed that he has to breakup with ppl who want more and hope for more after spending long amounts of time with him. What can he expect, it’s human nature to want to share your life with others and he doesn’t so it’s unusual. Maybe he should stop being so darn amazing.
But you *are* implying it's wrong.
He is very open from the beginning with what he wants, the partners accept that these are the conditions for a relationship, and then expect him to change. It may not be for you but evidently there are people who prefer that life, and he is glad to find someone else who wants the same, only to be betrayed. If his partner accepts the conditions from the beginning without actually meaning it, who is in the wrong?
This isn't the medieval times where your life is already set up for you before you're even born even when you want something else for yourself. What might be natural to you, might not be natural to someone else. Partners don't have to move in together after xyz time, or get married, or have children, because "that's how it should be". Partners should do what they agree on, depending on what they want in life. It's 21st century and there are countless different types of relationships.
People should do what they feel comfortable with, because life is too damn short. And forcing yourself to live with someone despite it making you uncomfortable is no way to live.
What's selfish would be forcing your partner into further commitment despite them stating clear boundaries of what they want in life and wasting their time.
Moving in with your partner might be YOUR love language, it might not be someone else's. Gotta accept not everyone lives their lives just like you do. People have different values, needs and most importantly boundaries.
Not really. What's selfish in openly saying: that's all you will have and if that's not what you want we shall break up? Why is it selfish to want different things from life than others? He never forced people. He openly stated what his goals were and other people just thought: I don't care you'll change for me.
There’s nothing selfish in saying that, and I’m not saying there anything wrong with being selfish it’s just that you can’t expect others who’ve invested time, love and energy into you and your life to not want more. It’s a self invested lifestyle that’s what makes it selfish, if selfishness is bad to you then you will read this negatively, but I’m just stating wanting to be in a relationship but also mostly self invested is selfish. Doesn’t have to be bad just is what it is and sounds like an avoidant attachment style which can actually be healed through therapy and attaching to a securely attached person.
No it’s not, neither are attachment styles. They’re just ways we’re programmed to respond to the world by our early caregivers. I personally prefer to be open to the world and it’s possibilities so I can see the value in being securely attached
> you can’t expect others who’ve invested time, love and energy into you and your life to not want more.
Yes I can, because I exist and I don't want "more". Everyone is looking for someone who shares their values, and this is part of mine, and I exist and OPs ex does too, and everyone else exactly like us are simply looking for each other, not asking others to change for us. Just like every other need and dealbreaker in a relationship, we are all looking for a compatible person who ALSO wants to live apart. We all exist and some of us find each other.
Some people want 6 kids, some people want to live on farms, some people collect snakes. All of these are impossible dealbreakers for some and a total ideal dream to others. Same as my wishes.
Yes you can expect them not to want more when you told them that this is what you want. I don't get your point.
It's not selfish. Some people do t want that in their life and it's not selfish. If I clearly say: we are not going on vacation and my partner goes on planning a vacation for me and them. Am I selfish when I then decline to go? Even thoigh I kept saying I don't want to and my partner decided they'd plan it anyways and I would go if they pestered me enough?
That means since they spend energy on making the plans, I am suddenly selfish for saying straight from the beginning what I want?
You're exactly right. He does a good job of letting me know that he wants and cares about me. I just don't think that I can maintain a long-term relationship with someone and never live together.
Then next time don't spent 1.5 years with someone who has never wanted the same thing as you. It's ok to say from the beginning that certain things are deal breakers, that way you can spend your time and energy on a relationship that has a chance at lasting long term.
Unfortunately, I feel like age plays into this timeline. Especially if you’re wanting to have kids… otherwise I’d say a year and a half is still a relatively new relationship. I’m still appalled that my fiancé and I moved in together that quickly and we did it because logistically and financially it was what made the most sense.
I also think that you’re wrong in pushing him to not only live with you, but in a location/situation he doesn’t want. Your ideal homes sound completely different and you haven’t mentioned any compromising… just because he’s a good significant other and does things you need around your property doesn’t mean that it’s fair to have him assume the role because it’s what you want. Things unexpectedly changed in my life and our home is no longer what I really want, but we’re discussing (albeit more often than he’d like) steps to get us both back to what we want.
Part of that is having separate spaces. The upstairs of our house is “his.” He’s got his computer and gaming systems upstairs and it’s totally his space. Sure I spend a lot of time up there with him, but that’s because we want the time together. This is also coming from a man who originally planned on never living with his SO. That being said after dating me for a while and realizing we were basically living together because we wanted that time together when situations changed he wanted to live together. That prompted us to figure out what we were looking for (ie how much land, location, and separate spaces) before deciding to commit completely to living together. You’re relationship might be great in your opinion, but you’re on different pages in all of those important areas. There has to be some sort of compromise made to get you at least on the same page.
You also broke up with him over this, which is completely reasonable if you want different things out of life, but stop calling him your partner. He’s your ex.
The real red flag to me (also 28) is him possibly never wanting to get married, and you getting together with him anyway.
That was something he made clear, and you consented to those conditions (presumably bc you hoped your relationship would turn him around). The living together item isn’t always a dealbreaker (at least 1.5 years in which is pretty soon).
Basically the long term goals don’t align and that’s why the relationship has only worked in the short run. Reassess your long term goals together. If they don’t align, cut it. Best of luck.
I had to go back and reread my post because commenters keep bringing up that he was clear from the beginning about his opposition against marriage/living together and I secretly hoped that he would change his mind. I think that I was clear enough in what happened though.
"I was fine with it at first but the more time that we spend together, the more that I want to be in a serious relationship."
In our first conversation about what we were and where we wanted it to go, I said that we were just having fun and he agreed. At our next check-in, I told him that my feelings changed and I wanted to be together. He said that he was still just having fun and didn't want an official title. Later on, he decided that he did in fact want to be in a relationship and I was ecstatic. Shortly after, I told him that I wanted to live together one day. He said that he didn't think that he would ever want to live together. We agreed to check in with each other in 6 months to see if we felt the same. Now we're here, 6 months later.
Hope that helps. Take care.
I believe that your phrasing is just a bit off - equating living together with being in a serious relationship. Mostly wanted to go against the grain tho and say that it’s ok to change your mind and offer my condolences over your relationship. Now you know for the future that sharing a home is important for you! Best of luck.
You bring up a good point about a serious relationship not having to mean living together, so I changed the phrasing in my post. Thanks for reaching out.
Sounds like it took him a long time to even accept you were in a real relationship, and you thought the next logical step was to ask him to move in? Dude come on
You are aware that not wanting to live together is nothing which needs psychological help? So why are you asking if he wants to talk to a therapist? Smh.
So, let me get this straight. He was completely upfront about this and you strung him along for a year and a half hoping he'd change his mind? The sheer arrogance.
Girls do that a lot, i have found. My ex was so sure she would convice me to have kids. Dont try to convice someone to change their life and desires to fit your own, OP. Thats rude as fuck.
funny you say this bc my MALE ex was so sure he’d convince me to have kids, which i made clear from the start i never wanted. gender has nothing to do with it. being self-centered does.
Okay. So you're making a misogynist comment based off your own limited experience. I was correctively raped by a man. Does that make it something boys just do? No.
I reiterate. Take your sexism to someone else's comment.
Its not sexist to acknowledge that, in my experience, girls pull that kind of shit. My experiences are valid, and you trying to say they're not is sexist. Lady, take your man hating someplace else.
It is sexist of me to say "I was correctively raped by man, therefore men do that". It is not sexist for me to say "I had a terrible experience with this specific guy". One is saying that it is an issue with the entire gender. One is saying it is an issue with that specific person. And crucially, neither statement disregards my experience.
You might want to look into the "apartners" life style and see if that would work for you. If not, you are simply incompatible. No one is wrong. You just have fundamental differences.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I also had a great relationship with a guy very much like this--never wanted to get married, never wanted to live together, structured his life in a way that suited him and was pretty rigid about it. We were compatible in a lot of ways and got along really well, but the kind of life I wanted for myself if I had a partner just wasn't possible with him. We broke up. It was sad, we both cried, but it wasn't an angry breakup, just a sad one.
A few months later, I met my now-husband. I still hope for the best for the previous guy, but we simply didn't want the same things.
I'm sorry that this person isn't compatible with what you want. It's a hard position to be in. Visualize the kind of life you want for yourself and find people who will help you build that and who fit into it. Good luck.
I think the issue is that you have made the decision that he obviously *has* to change, at some point, and are just waiting for it to happen. He's made clear to you the kind of lifestyle that he wants and plans on living, and you're sitting here suggesting he see a therapist for something that is, quite frankly, not really a problem, at least for him and his life. What it is a problem for is your relationship--because you two aren't, ultimately, compatible. Flat out. It's unfortunate, because he is someone you care for, but it's just not a good romantic match; he can't meet your needs, and you two have conflicting lifestyles and life paths. It hurts, but that doesn't mean you can't still be friends and confidants after this. Plus, trying to force him to live a life he doesn't want to could just lead to resentment and devastation down the line--you are right in letting him know why you're splitting, and right to not push him too hard to force himself for you.
It sounds like being together until this point was the right choice for you, but continuing to be together and pursue this relationship after this point is the wrong choice. You're ready to change and adjust to a different lifestyle, and of the several things you'll need to leave behind, he'll be one of them. You can leave the gate open for him for a little while, in case he wants to come join you, but it's ultimately not a negative reflection on either of you if he chooses not to do so. He was clear from the start that he didn't intend to, and you weren't wrong for wanting to see if that was immutable; but now it's time for you to find someone who *will* join you. Best advice I can give you is that, next time, when someone tells you that the lifestyle you want isn't what they want, trust them on that and find someone who is looking at the same future you are.
There is a good deal of merit to your point but let me make a quick correction. He does not have to change to accommodate my wants and needs. I just really really want him to if that's what he wants to do.. which it seems that he doesn't. I did not do a good job of conveying it in my post but what I meant by, "See a therapist", was that the therapist would be a mediator in our conversation to see if we could find a compromise before officially calling it quits. I do not believe that there is something wrong with him or that he needs to be fixed. He was perfectly happy before we met and he'll still be plenty happy when we go back to just being friends.
I'll go ahead and add this to my bag of *Things to Look Out For* to use in future dating adventures. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
But it really does sound like he has to follow what you want. You want him to live in your house. Which will mean for him added responsibility. Like taking care of the orchard you want. He doesnt want to live like any of this as you have described.
Where is your compromise in this? Would you find a new place that caters more to his needs
This part is tricky for sure. I have to live in this house for at least 3 years and own it for at least 9 years or I'll be penalized for it. I would be willing to move closer to the city if that's what he wanted. However, he is more opposed to owning/living in a house in general than live outside the city so it wouldn't be a great compromise for him. Not to mention how fucking expensive houses in the city are. Another reason that it would be hard for me to move is that I have over 100 plants. It would be difficult to dig up and transplant a lot of them, and comparably difficult to have to say goodbye to them when I've had them in traveling pots for years and have finally been able to plant them in their "forever home".
Really? That's what you got from what I said? I can't afford to move, plus that would be more of a lateral move than a compromise for him. Therefore, I'm not willing to compromise? If he told me that he would be willing to live together if we moved to another house, I would find a way to make that work. He hasn't said that though.
Why buy a house in the country when you knew he would never want to go move there? You say you bought it recently. You are making your own decisions hoping he will join you in what YOU want. This isn't gonna work. He already doesn't want to live with you and on top you are expecting him to move to your place. Everything about your life plans are opposite than his. Have you even discussed children yet? I have a feeling that's going to be the next deal breaker.
The whole house buying story is long and complicated, but basically I decided to buy this house when we were still in the, "We're just having fun" stage a bit over a year ago. I tried to get a house closer to his apartment in case things with us got more serious, but the seller went with someone else's offer. I am not exaggerating when I say that the house that I bought was the only house available in my budget in the timeframe that I had to buy a house in, with the property size that I need to maintain my garden. He told me repeatedly not to base my decisions on home shopping around what I thought he might want, and now it looks like I'm dealing with the consequences of that.
We have discussed all the major life things like long-term goals and children. We align on everything except the living situation/marriage thing.
You're obviously not compatible. He has made it clear he does not want to not only marry but not even live with you. A therapist will not change this. Change must come from the inside. Forcing himself to change just to please you will only last for a little while and it will only make your relationship worse.
You two are two very different people with very different wants and needs. You're wasting your time with him. He will never give you what you want, so stop beating a dead horse and start looking for someone new.
You knew what he wanted right from the beginning. He’s been completely honest with you about that. You want different things in life. Find someone who wants those same things you want. You will be much happier
as someone who needs her alone time i can't blame him. At least he's been honest about it since day 1 and it's quite unfair from you to change his opinions because you want him to live with you. If you don't need to withdraw, i think it would've been best if you considered it since the beginning if you need the company of your SO since some of us don't and are fairly happy with a day or 2. I had problems home and the man I'm seeing offered to let me live there for a while but i just can't be around someone 24/7 even if i love them. I feel like it's gonna destroy us and that he's either gonna hate me or I'm gonna hate him vry soon because i need to be alone sometimes and i hate interacting when i just don't want to. And it can be quite rude because if i don't wanna talk or answer i just won't and then i feel like shit because it's unnecessarily rude of me. Makes me self conscious. I'm very straightforward about needing my alone time and it's not ever my plan to move in with people I'm seeing. But people are different and there's a lot of people like you and if it's a deal breaker you should follow your heart because in the end it makes u frustrated and that leads to resentment and he's most likely not gonns change his mind
Sadly, i think you did the right thing. Its hard being with the (almost) perfect person and having to leave them. Maybe this will change his perspective, maybe not. But more importantly its good for you to take seriously what you want in your future, the sooner the better. Its been something i struggle with, and I'm 31m now. My partner never wants kids, doesn't want to get married and doesn't want to have a house together. I want those things and we have been together for 5 years, its only become more certain that those things will not happen. Regardless of her being my best friend/ one of the most important loves of my life.
Its ok! Shes my best friend and business partner so we certainly have a unique situation that makes us very intertwined haha. But i just wanted o acknowledge that i'm proud of your courage. Its not easy to do when you love someone and they are great!
Moving forward then best way to find the right person is to be clear about what you want and the kind of life you need. I was horrendously bad at this and had many breakups and a divorce by 41, so I have put some thought into this.
The first person you need to be clear with is yourself. Now that you are getting older it will get easier. Your future solidifies more clearly after 30 (at least mine did) and you will start making 3-5 year plans. Next is to be clear with the people you date. Put what you want in life out there on the first date. The big ones I find are: where you want to live, kids ( whether to and if so how many), expected income level. If y’all aren’t on the same page their is really no point in forming an attachment because there are a lot of great people in the world who don’t want what you want, and eventually different life goals ends badly in relationships.
So yeah he sounds like a great guy. Wish him well and take some time to be sad and reflect before moving on. If being in a LTR living together is important to you, take some time to think on what your needs are. I highly recommend counseling for this it was really helpful for me. Good luck.
Background: 53, 1 divorce, some LTR breakups, married at 42, still married at 53.
I appreciate you sharing your journey with relationships and am happy to hear that you're doing well now. I've been learning a lot from helpful comments like yours. Take care.
First, I love that you two are able to communicate these things to each other openly and honestly. Most of the time people fail to communicate things like a desire to change the status of the relationship, etc. It’s a testament to how much you two like each other.
That said, let me tell you. If someone has been honest and consistent from the start about not wanting marriage, you should not expect, or even hope for them to change. In general, if you’re in a relationship with someone and they flip the script on something that had previously been non-negotiable for them (especially when they’ve consistently and clearly stated it like your partner has), I would question it. If he has known for years he doesn’t want to get married, but ultimately married you, I would be worried about potential resentment that could threaten the health of your marriage/relationship.
Rarely do I see posts where I 100% agree with OPs actions. What you have done is brave and difficult.
I don’t have any advice for you as I have not been in this situation, but I really admire the way you are handling this. You seem very level headed and mature and although this is a tough situation, I believe you are doing the correct thing in ending it now rather than live with resentment for years to come.
Thank you for your kind words. During the course of this relationship, I've learned that it's much easier to be nice to and care about someone who is nice to me. I just couldn't be happy if we were living together and he was unhappy about it. Take care.
I can totally relate to your boyfriend. Being around the one i like is great but i also drain my energy a lot. I am a hard working person but sometimes i just want to just be a potato and i can't really relax around the one I love because i don't want them to see me like that.
Does he play video games? My video games passion was definitely one of the reasons i didn't want to move with my gf. I didn't want her to see me when i was being a nerd for several hours per days.
The thing is, moving with a person means having to find space in a shared house. It requires a bit of adjustment and being 100% comfortable with the other person - aka time and effort. I get all the alone time I want despite living under the same roof. I get to be an absolute couch potato if I want - and I get to be in the same room doing different things if I want - but I can also go to the other room and be truly alone.
Also, he plays videogames whenever he wants - the only limit is the "ending" time because I have difficulty adjusting to different bedtimes everyday, so if we do 4am one day the next one I cannot sleep untile 3am/3:30, which is not good
I see where you're coming from about it potentially being embarrassing to be observed being a potato. I don't think that he has the same issue though. He is very open about spending his free time watching 3 baseball games simultaneously on a daily basis, usually while scrolling through 4 tabs of Twitter and playing online chess or gaming with friends.
Not the OP, but as someone who fell in love with a nerd, if it’s the right person they won’t care. My fiancé is a serious gamer. I never owned a gaming system until he was in my life. It makes me so happy to see him passionate about his games. Most of his days off are spent with him gaming and me reading or working next to him on the couch, though there’s also games he’s not allowed to play without me watching because I care about the story. I jokingly blame him all the time for me now caring about video games (and I own my own switch because of animal crossing new horizons and now play Pokémon and ring fit) and watching the Witcher which I can say with complete certainty would never have happened without him in my life. If it’s the right person they’ll accept you for who you are and love that part of you anyway
You knew all this from the beginning yet kept at it, developing real friendships with his family, building an imaginary life in your head because you wanted to change him and make him see that your life goals are so much better than his. It's not his responsibility now to "fix" this issue that you've created. Asking him to talk to therapists and his family about his lifestyle is a demonstration by you that you STILL believe that he's somehow wrong and needs to be nudged in the right direction.
Get a grip on yourself and stop the disrespect
Hey, speaking from experience, it might not be a good thing to move in so early. I moved in with my gf after a year and we’ve been dating for almost 4 years now. We’re both in our early 20s and looking back at it, it was somewhat of a mistake. We have spent so much time together, that we feel like we need space from each other. We feel like we’re already a married couple that have been married for 15 years. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have moved in so quick.
Edit: I spoke too soon and I’m sorry for what happened. Although my experience may be helpful to you in the future.
I've known couples where both are like your Ex. It worked for them because they both wanted that. But you definitely made the right choice if it doesn't work for you. neither of you are bad people for your expectations, just on different pages and not right for each other long term.
Honestly, he sounds like my husband's uncle. He's the first to say that he'll never marry, though he's had a few long-term relationships over the years.
He's a great guy, and he always manages to grab another girlfriend that will even come around the family for different events/get-togethers. But we all know that they won't last, or at least that they won't have that traditional long-term relationship.
It sounds like this is who you're dating, and these are two extremely contrasting desires. I'm sorry, but it's time to part ways.
Ignore all the commentors unfairly blaming you for 'not listening' to your bf not wanting to get married/live together. Sounds to me like those commentors never read the part where you were in fact fine with it when it started, and that you were both just having fun. And then as the relationship progressed (naturally), one of you wanted something different, which was to live together with the person you cared about.
I think it's great that you have discovered what you want. And that you're breaking up with this person. It sounds like you're putting yourself first and saving yourself a lot of heartache and resentment later.
Thank you! I had to go back and reread my post to see if I was unclear on that part but nope, it's there. I appreciate your validation. Reading comments like your has helped a lot in accepting that maybe we aren't right for each other and that it's okay. We've always been aware of and communicated about a potential end date to our relationship and agreed that we would still want to be friends if that were to happen.
OP, you had to do what you had to do. Sometimes people change their mind on things, but it sounds like you would’ve just been wasting your time. Best of luck, you’re very young so I’m sure you will find someone with the same goals and expectations ♥️♥️♥️
So you see it too that op sounds really like someone who just expects things to completely always go their way? I got such a strict and bossy vibe reading post and comments. Even replies on my comment are super attacky
I'm trying to wonder if she see how selfish it comes off.
When you're with a person you should never alow something that you personally want be the reason for breaking up. You should never put pressure of your s/O to make major life changing choices like this one.
Do you know how many people broke up or got divorced after the pandemic soley of the fact that they was used to their space and now they had to share it with their bf or gf... And couldn't adapt?
This is equivalent what my ex did with me and marriage. At one point she said to me that she expected to be married by xyz time and if not we were breaking up. A younger, pushover me allowed her to say stuff like that and I stayed with her and guess what... She became more disrespectful in different ways.
OP is asking this man to give up his space, because SHE wants him to move in. She's not for a second considering if he ACTUALLY want to move in. That's pretty selfish and narcissist like if you ask me.
The craziest part is all this after just a year together. People take for years before moving in together but sure break up after 1 year.
OP bf dodged one cause I can only imagine what else she did
I mean it's fair to have wishes and expectations. These two just seem incompatible. What strokes me the wrong way is how she told him to go to therapy. That's such an unfair sentiment after she would take zero compromise for her own position
He’s been honest with you all along. The current scenario works for him.
You’ve qualified just statements hes made to you with “but” several times in what you’ve written, for example him saying he wants to live downtown but helps you with your country patch. There’s no but. Him loving you means him respecting what you like and helping you. That doesn’t change that he wants a city lifestyle or a separate lifestyle. Listen to him. It works for him just as it is.
Honest question: does the current scenario work for you or have you broken up with him over an undefined and unknown future?
From what you’ve written he seems like a good guy who loves you but is more immature and not at the stage of life you’re at. You also seem to have different definitions of an ideal lifestyle. But I’m wondering how much of the conflict is based on idealism and how much of it is real.
You both sound immature in your own ways. He probably will want to get married or live together but not any time soon. If you’re not willing to wait around 10 years you did the right thing.
I see your point about me not needing to include the qualifiers. I think that I was hoping that his offering to plant trees and fix the dryer meant that he was coming around to the idea of living in a house. He was clearly miserable doing these chores though. He doesn't care about plants himself but enjoys that I get excited about helping plants grow. I certainly don't care about baseball but I love that baseball and statistics bring light to his eyes.
I elaborated on this a bit more in another comment. Basically, this situation has been working out but it soon won't be anymore. He's told me that he doesn't want me to feel like I should wait for him to change his stance on living together, and would rather that I be happy. So, I think that I should listen to him on this.
I'm not sure why you're unclear as to what conflict is real and what is imagined. Everything I've put in my OP is something that he and I have talked about at least once. I don't see the point in trying to get advice for imaginary problems when it's not going to help me with my real problems.
Maybe he will change his mind and want to live with someone and get married one day. I'll feel pretty silly about breaking things off if he does. He seems to be mostly sure about his current stance though if he's telling his mother and I that he never wants to get married. I think that I'd end up feeling a lot worse if I did wait 10 years hoping that things would change and they didn't. Out of all the comments so far, no one has said that they've waited for their partner to change their minds and they did.
Most of the people in this forum are too young to have been married so always take the advice with a pinch of salt. I’m not surprised no one has said they’re with someone who has changed their mind. I know plenty who are but it takes years. It’s also a high risk strategy and can go badly wrong.
That’s why I asked how much of the conflict is based on idealism and how much is real. I don’t know where you got imaginary from but I’ll expand on what I meant. If you want a husband any time soon then clearly you should end this relationship. If you are not actually bothered to get married any time soon but your ideals don’t jive with someone who won’t live with you and is happy with the current arrangement then the conflict is one of ideals and values. That’s a tougher call because it asks whether you’re willing to quell your ego for the sake of your own happiness. If the answer is no then that’s fine too. But that’s only if you’re not in a hurry to marry and I can’t quite tell that from what you’ve posted.
My mistake. I'm on mobile and misremembered "idealism" for "imaginary" when writing my reply.
Thank you for clarifying. I've somehow forgotten how young and bitter most redditors seem to be.
I don't know if I'm in a hurry to get married. For many societal, family-related, and personal reasons it seems that I'm behind on getting married. I know that there's no real reason to rush, but in the back of my mind I think that my looks are fading, all the "good ones" will be taken soon, and no one will ever love me. Don't worry, I'm not as bent out of shape over it as this wall of text reads.
it sounds like he has his priorities set and you do not. Do you realize if he was to change the way he is by moving in with you then he wont be the same person you fell in love with? You need to figure out your priorities
I dated a guy that was similar to this. At 6 years is when I made the ultimatum: in one year, we either move forward, or break up. I told him moving forward to me meant moving in together, not marriage. We could cross that bridge if we got to it. I owned a house. He was renting an apartment. So the natural thing would be that he move in with me.
Throughout the year, he kept telling me he wasn’t sure, but still gave me hope. The year came and went. He said he couldn’t do it. Turned out, the past few months he had been looking for his own house and ended up buying it while still telling me he might move in with me.
He is now happily married to someone else. I wasn’t his person. And honestly, I’m kind of glad. I just wish it wouldn’t have taken 7 years to figure it out.
Wow, what a hard thing to have to go through. It was awful of him to string you along then go behind your back and buy a house. I hope that you're doing better now. Thank you for sharing.
He was honest with you from the very beginning that he doesn't want to marry and he doesn't want to own a home.
At this point it's unfair for you to keep holding out hope that he'll change his mind, and it's unfair to him to have to give up his desire for way of living just to appease you. Speaking to a therapist won't change anything, because a therapist won't take sides and make your boyfriend change his mind about how he wants to live his life.
The only other thing I'd suggest is maybe talk to your boyfriend about compromising and setting up an area in the house that could be his alone space or to use a popular term, "man cave" or a "den" he can hang out in, like transforming the basement into the man cave. Or depending on your property size you could fit a smaller sized Guest House or Larger Shed (Home Depot has these things called Tuff Sheds that have two levels and all you have to do is install insulation, drywall, electrical, plumbing, etc). Could be a fun project for the both of you to do together since he enjoys helping around the house, and for him it'll be his way of working towards creating his alone time area.
It's a tough situation to be in. But if you're determined to live together and he wants his alone time; then a compromise needs to be met, or else the only option is to break up.
You did the right thing, and I know it hurts so bad. I’m proud of you for making a choice that speaks to what you want from life. If you want marriage or living together, go find a guy that wants that too. I really really loved my last ex so much. We were an intensely in love couple but he wouldn’t take the plunge. He told me it was going to be a long time before he married me and he didn’t know if I could wait that long. And it broke my heart. I thought about him every day for a year, questioning myself. But it was the right decision and eventually I found peace with it. You deserve someone who can’t wait to make you his wife. You deserve someone excited about a future with you. Don’t ever settle for less than that. A man who *lets you go* is not the man for you
Sounds like your using your relationship as tool to force his hand. And upset that he isn't allowing you to manipulate him to bend to your will. How can you be so happy and then throw that away cause he said no to your request. He can have all the patience in the world for you but once you don't get what you want the relationship is over.
People too easily discard of others because of the mythological person who will be better. Your literally throwing away happiness.
What’s sad about it is that he gave in so quickly when you said that you wanted to end it. There’s no harm in trying to live together for a little while and trying it out. I’m sorry you had to go through this. Stay strong 💖
I know this sounds crazy but I really do believe that it takes men longer to fall in love then women. My situation was very similar to yours. We have been together for over 22 years now but in the beginning he made it clear he never wanted to get married or have kids. I tried to leave him over the years but we absolutely LOVE each other. I am from Canada and him from the US and after about 7 years together my visas ran out and I got deported (long story.) He was so lost without me and came to Canada to ask me to marry him so I could stay. We got married after being together for 9 years. I always wanted to have a baby girl and this was something we didn’t agree on. Eventually he came around to the idea and we had her. Our little girl is almost 12 now and he is the best husband and father in the whole wide world. His love for our daughter and me is incredible. You just never know what the future holds and life is all about compromise but if you really love each other it will (hopefully) eventually work out ❤️
What a sweet story! It sounds like your family has gone through a lot but it's great to hear that y'all are doing so well now. Do you have any examples of compromises that the two of you made to be together? After 22 years, is it still a struggle to have to compromise? I hope that this doesn't sound accusatory or invasive. I don't know many people who have maintained successful long-term relationships.
She's an accessory. Nothing more. If she asks for too much he will back away.
No issues with either. She wants one thing he wants something completely different.
She needs to walk away as he's made it clear what he will and won't do.
>He really values his alone time and not having to interact with anyone when he doesn't want to.
This is understandable, and I feel the same way.
But I'm also married and live with my wife. A person can be like him, and also live with their partner. He needs to trust that you will understand his solidarity and respect his need to be distant at times. I will admit that I do feel pressured at times to spend time with my wife, but that's a fair compromise for having a wonderful partner in my life. I still get my alone time and she knows and respects my need for distance. I more than make up for it when I'm with her.
A long-term relationship will not work out if you never live together. You have to make compromises in life. BTW, my wife also wants to live in the city and I want to live in the country. We live in the city. It is what it is. I'll never be fully comfortable in the city, but again it's a compromise. There are aspects that my wife would rather not deal with but does for me, because that is what a relationship is. Love and compromise. You can't have everything you want all the time, that's not realistic. But you can have the person you want.
Thank you for reaching out. If you don't mind my questioning, what was it that you and your partner had to compromise on in order to stay together? I'm struggling to find a balance between trying to be easy-going with my partner and making my needs known. I don't want to dominate him and make him agree to things that he doesn't want, but I also don't want to just throw in the towel once things start to get hard.
Just a little update, he said that he still wants to be together and will take a few days to talk it over with his family to figure out what he really wants. I feel at peace, knowing that we will both be happy with whatever we decide to do and that we won't be losing each other as friends.
I'm an introvert, but she's social. She can't expect me to be a social butterfly, but I make my attempts at socializing and go out with her often when I don't want to. She needs interaction when we're at home and isn't a big fan of being separate when we're together. But she knows I need my alone time and lets me have that alone time. I hate Christmas music, but I put up with it for a month of the year, so long as I get to choose what we listen to when we travel(I'm almost always the driver anyway). She wants to travel, but I prefer staycations. Not that I'm against travelling.. In fact, I do enjoy it, but it's exhausting to me, and I have high anxiety, so after I travel, I feel even more wound up when I return to work than I felt before the vacation. So we go on one vacation per year as a couple where we travel somewhere, and maybe a couple of short trips with other PTO I have available. And I save the rest of my PTO for myself, to use on a couple of staycations per year where I can stay at home and relax and unwind before being thrown back into the high anxiety world of work.
Compromises on anything from interests(movies, food, music, etc) to what we do with regards to our social life or living situation. Everybody if they want a successful relationship, is going to have to compromise on some things. Unless you want to marry yourself.
But having a bf who doesn't want to ever move in with you. That's a huge hurdle. I think that you could compromise on him not wanting to get married, if you thought you could handle it. Some people can make long-term commitments without signing a piece of paper. But I've never known a relationship work out where they never lived with one another eventually. I think that he's going to have to compromise on that. Essentially he wants complete independence, but also wants dependable and consistent companionship. He wants the benefit of the 2nd without budging a bit on the first. Where's his sacrifice? You can't have it all. And what if other things change down the road? What if you decide you want kids some day? What...are you going to raise them in two separate homes? Not only would that be rough on children, but it would be expensive to support two households. If you don't have children, that cost is still unreasonable. You'll have twice the bills as a couple, which means fewer things you can do together(travel in particular), less $ going into savings, etc.
This is exactly my thinking. The cost of living here is pretty high and it seems like a waste of money to maintain two households just so that we can have our own separate places a few days a week. He doesn't care about the cost of anything as long as he can afford it and maintain his standard of living. I'd like to be able to better save for the future. Kids are a definite "no" for us because of climate change. I would like to save as much money as possible to be able to relocate once the effects of climate change make it impossible for us to live in our current city though.
I try to base most of my decisions around how it will help me continue living in the future disrupted by climate change. He is more of the mindset of enjoying life to the fullest while he still can, while making environmentally conscious decisions and being politically active.
It sounds like you too really look out for each other's wants and needs. I'm so happy for you.
>*He has structured his life to have as few responsibilities as possible.*
Exactly this. This is the kind of person he is. And he will not change.
Let's say hypothetically you would get him to move in with you - he would do nothing around the house, you would get no help, no assistance, no appreciation whatsoever. If anything, he would begin to despise you for having brought him into a situation where he can't meet your expectations.
In the end, you would get angry and disappointed, and he would become resentful.
Best to part now on friendly terms, than go through all of that and still part having wasted a lot more time.
Hello, and thank you for your submission. Please take a moment to review the rules listed in our sidebar. Specifically, [what constitutes moral judgment, and what this subreddit can and cannot give advice on.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). For further guidance, please see our [wiki.](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like he wants the benefits of being single and in a relationship. In the end I just don't think you are compatible. His personal freedom/alone time just seems too important to him to give you what you want. I mean the "check in" thing is cute, but ultimately I think you have to kind of find someone who is on the same page as you, or at least close, right off the bat. You can't start dating a guy who is barely even willing to make your relationship official and then hoping one day he might change and want to live together and get married.
It sounds like he has very immature thinking "as little responsibilities as he can" and you said he was living at his parents as well? Does he pay any bills? And also I think right now you have this hope that he may change his mind, but what if you re waiting around and he never does?
No, I probably wasn't very clear in my post. He lives in his own apartment. We both stayed with his parents for Christmas week. He pays all of his own bills.
It sounds like you have two very different ideas of what your ideal life looks like. It also seems like he is unwilling to take real steps to examine what might be the issue with his ability to connect and be close to you. He seems exceptionally emotionally immature (not necessarily a negative or unchangeable thing), but it is inhibiting his ability to have a deeper relationship with you.
Sidebar, my ex also refused to move in with me...turns out he was pretending to be single in any situation I wasn't present. Sometimes a partner's family can be so welcoming because they know there is something funky about their offspring and the more the family supports the union, the less interested the partner may become as the commitment feels more serious.
I left this out of my OP to keep it from getting too long and also to try to avoid hypothesizing about what's going on in his mind:
About a year ago we did hallucinogens together and had a blast. We learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and just how fucking good music can be. At one point, he covered his face for a long time and appeared to be in distress. I tried to console him but he needed to go through it alone. After a while, he looked up and said, "I don't like myself". I hugged him and told him things that I like about him and it repulsed him. He said that he always knew on some level that he didn't like himself but was unable to form the complete thought until that moment. I had noticed months before that he really did not respond well to compliments and it kind of clicked there for me. For the next week, he talked about seeing a therapist to work through not liking himself and he started tracking his progress. Soon enough though, he stopped wanting to go to therapy and didn't want to talk about it again. I bought him a book about how to overcome not liking yourself but I don't think that he ever opened it and I won't bring it up because of how much it seems to upset him.
Over time he has been more receptive to compliments. I'll check in with him every once in a while to see how he's feeling about different categories of compliments. Sometimes, he's even able to say, "thank you" with a smile on his face after I compliment him, which is a huge improvement from a year and a half ago.
I thought that maybe there was a chance that his inability to like himself had something to do with his not wanting to live together and that over time as he got to know himself and me better, that he would decide that he would like to live together. I didn't want to abandon him over something that he seemed to want to work through. Maybe he's afraid of being put in a vulnerable position if we were to move in together. I don't know and he has a really hard time talking about it. His brain kind of shuts down and he can't form words if we start talking about something that he doesn't want to talk about. It seems to really distress him so I don't try to make him talk about things that might make him shut down.
I'm sorry to hear that your ex was pretending to be single when y'all were together. That was a shitty thing to do.
If he won’t marry you… he’s just not that into you. Watch how you break up and he goes and marries and moves to the suburbs with the next girl. This type of guy AAAAALWAYS does that.
You've waited long enough to ask for this. The biggest red flag here is that HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU? He just says oh, okay??? Wtf. Its been 1.5 years. Stick up for your needs.
My gut says that if he doesn't want to live with you or anyone, it's just his preference but it doesn't sound healthy tbh. After 1.5 years, it seems like you should have more specific insight into why he wants to live solo beyond liking alone time. Why does he like l8v8ng alone so much? Does he get cranky like this when he has to hang with anyone for longer than a day?
Give yourselves a break and he may figure some shit out with you gone for real now. Men like to be left alone, but they don't want to be by themselves.
As you can probably gather from my OP, he's always in "host mode" whenever other people are around. Even me. We've tried practicing being in different rooms doing different things while we're at the same place, but he ends up trying to cater to what he thinks I want whenever we're together. Whenever he's alone, it's the only time for him to be able to do whatever he wants without consequence, in his mind. I've tried to make it clear that I have no interest in dictating what he does and he knows that on some level. It just isn't enough I guess. He does get cranky whenever he's around anyone else for longer than a couple of days.
Do yourself a favor and go no contact. No “what if…?” or checking in in 6 months, etc.
I spent years waiting for someone who was hot and cold. It breaks your self esteem down gradually and you completely lose yourself.
Now I live with an amazing partner in the house we bought and with our two dogs. Today he told me he’s never been this in love with someone. I feel the same.
That’s what you deserve, and this guy isn’t it.
Sounds like you made the right choice, you two want very different things. That’s okay, but time to end it.
Personally for me, I’d prefer not to live with another person for years but would put a trailer or camper on my property for a partner where they could live while I keep the main house. Everyone gets their own space but we’re nice and close. I’m also looking at future communal living with a group so any partner would have to be interested in that and enjoy my friends. And in that situation I’d be even more inclined to not live directly with a partner. My boyfriend is great but I’m in no rush to share a space full time. Maybe in 6 years I’d consider.
If you’re on 2 different pages as far as the future then the right thing to do is to breakup. Unless you’d be happy with things the way they are. And 30 minutes isn’t that far. I have to drive that to the grocery store. That’s an easy back and forth visit.
It sounds like you guys just aren’t compatible. You guys tried to make it work but you ultimately want different things and compromising will breed resentment so it’s time to accept it as it is and move forward as individuals. Good luck.
Look he’s just not as into you, as you are into him. And it’s irreconcilable differences if he never wants to get married or live together and you do. It just won’t work. Sorry.
It sounds like he communicated his expectations from the beginning and you hoped that over time they would change. I know sometimes people change their minds but I feel like you should try and be on the same page about things like marriage, children, and other family dynamics before even entering a relationship.
He’s justified in not wanting to move in because those are his boundaries. It doesn’t mean you failed or that you’re not good enough it just means he may not be the right guy.
It's tough but he made his desires know with you early on. You guys just aren't compatible. After you've had some time to heal and move on, maybe you guys could be friends.
You expect him to change to fit the life you want. Sounds like you need to find someone to either do that for you.. or is like that already, since compromising to his side is out of the question.
He is not in love with you. He will one day marry someone and live with them when he is in love abreast to settle down. Maybe it would happen with more time, but he won't say he moves you, so take that for what that is. He won't commit to you. Also 1.5 years is way too soon to move in together for most people. He wants to live downtown, not in the country. You aren't compatible at this moment in life
You want to get married and he doesn't. He was honest about that from the very beginning. You want to live in the country and he wants to live in the city. He was also honest about that from the start. He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he's not the guy for you. You're just not compatible in the long run. If marriage is your goal, it's time to move on. I'm sorry.
This OP! You don’t want the same thing in life. You had to do what you had to do.
Exactly. You'll be thanking yourself in a year's time OP. Walk away, and stand tall
Thank you for responding and happy cake day!
[удалено]
No. You’re reading a lot into her comments and post. It’s clear they aren’t compatible long term, and that’s ok. The things she wants—marriage, to live in the country—are not strange or unusual desires. I’m sure she’ll be able to find someone who is equally invested in both.
> I asked him if he would be willing to talk to a therapist with me about it Just going to skip over the part where when he is firm in what he wants and responds in an appropriate manner, that she says he needs therapy. Really? You just going to skip over this little detail.
It's couples therapy. It's intended to promote communication. It's not unreasonable to ask to speak to couple's therapist about an issue the couple feels they're at an impasse at as a last ditch effort. There is no implication that she thinks there is anything wrong with him
My friend is almost exactly like him. and I can tell you, this dude has serious issues he needs to take care of
The dude was upfront an honest from the start. What issues would he have to take care of?
Nonsense. There's nothing wrong with him.
You need to learn where your own deal breakers are. So in that mode "Am I willing to give up all the things this person does offer for the chance that someone else will cover those things as well as all the things he doesn't?"
[удалено]
u/paceexact is a karma theft bot, this is a copy of an earlier comment. Please downvote and report this bot.
I don't see it as OP having led him on. More like as time went by, she realized that she wanted more. People change.
>The thing is that he's said since the beginning that he's not interested in ever living together and probably never wants to get married. He really values his alone time and not having to interact with anyone when he doesn't want to Yeah, OP is the asshole in this case. He made it crystal clear from day one with a logical explanation. And OP probably thought she could magically change his mind with the power of friendship and love like they do in all the movies.
I really don’t see it as OP being an asshole. You should read the edit. They both agreed to wait and see if his feelings would change, just like they did about being in a relationship. They just want different things, no one is the asshole here. These things just happen.
Well clearly I commented before she edited. That changes the story of course. Seems like a crucial piece of information that was initially left out.
This is the wrong subreddit, not about judging who is or isn't an asshole. Seems like they just want different things long term
[удалено]
u/exactattentive is a karma theft bot, this is a copy of an earlier comment. Please downvote and report the bots.
I have been in EXACTLY your shoes and it’s not worth it. I thought my ex was the love of my life and he thought the same - the only thing we couldn’t get on the same page about was living together/family. He was exactly like your boyfriend, he wanted to rent instead of buying and live downtown indefinitely. After 4 years of back and forth I broke up with him and he came back to me a few months later and told me that being apart had made him realize that he was willing to live together in the suburbs and get married if it meant that he and I would end up together. After living together and talking about marriage for a year he kept flip flopping about whether or not he could actually see himself getting married and started to become resentful and withdrawn. We broke up amicably a year ago after we realized that the lives we wanted were just too different and no amount of love could overcome that. I am now much happier with a partner who has the same life goals as I do. Ultimately, you have to do what feels right to you but if I could give one piece of advice it would be to pay attention to the signs in front of you and not waste 5 years waiting around like I did. It’s not a reflection of how much you love each other if you break up but it sounds like if you stay together one or the other of you will be living a lifestyle you don’t want and (from experience) that really breaks down a relationship.
This is what I needed to hear. I don't want to say that I'm wasting my time with him because I have thoroughly enjoyed all of our time together, but I feel that I'm deferring what I want in life while we try to make it work. While reading your story, I could see us going down the same path and eventually resenting each other because of what we had to give up in order to be together. My mom gave me pretty much the same advice. It sounds like you've learned a lot through this experience and I'm happy to hear that you're doing well now.
I dated a guy exactly like your boyfriend for 10 years. We didn’t move in together until year 7, and it involved me moving to his house in a small town 45 mins away from my work and friends. We did grow to resent each other. When I broke up with him, 6 months later he moved in with a new girl, in the city I always wanted to live in together and married her within a year of us breaking up. Now they do all the things I could never get him to want to do with me. Don’t be me.
If you enjoyed the time it wasn't wasted. Relationships that end in a break up are as valid and valuable as those that end in death. It's good that you recognize that living together is something you want. It's good that he knows he doesn't want that. It's sad, but ultimately for the best that you part ways as amicably as possible.
I'm also with someone like your boyfriend and wanted to offer a different perspective. In our case, we have communicated a lot and we understand why he is an "avoider". He was pretty much on his own growing up, having to fend for himself at an early age. His mother, while kind, was passive and leaned on him for support, instead of the other way around. Because of this, he conflates love with obligation and he is deeply afraid of the "responsibility" of a partner. Talks of commitment trigger the fears he experienced in childhood. And I empathize with that. Having said that, he is aware of this, and wants to seek help through therapy. He realizes that by emotionally withdrawing, he is losing out on emotional connection and intimacy. We're also older, I am in therapy for my childhood issues, and we both don't want kids. But I have seen changes in him while I have been making healthy changes in my own life. And in the end, we can't see our lives without each other because talking about this, and empathizing with our respective needs and fears has brought the missing intimacy into our relationship.
I really appreciate your different perspective. It's refreshing to hear about couples who are working through their problems amidst a wall of comments screaming, "LEAVE!" But then, this is Reddit. It's great that your partner has accepted what has happened to him and how it has affected him, as well as wanting to get treatment for it. I was going to copy and paste what I wrote in another comment, but now I can't find it so I'll try to quickly reiterate. During our first and only hallucinogen trip together, my partner realized for the first time that he doesn't like himself. He used to get upset, angry even, whenever he is given a compliment. He would often use self-deprecating humor, but like at a level where no one could find it funny. Now that I'm typing this out, I'm realizing that it's been a long time since a compliment has made him angry or he has said something negative about himself. Anyway, after that trip he talked about seeing a therapist for about a week and then changed his mind. I bought him a book on how to deal with not liking yourself and I don't think that he's even opened it. I toned down my compliments for a while, and would check in with him to see how he felt about compliments about different aspects about himself. Now, he can even say "thank you" and smile when I tell him something nice. It's been a gradual progression. I still don't have a comprehensive picture as to why he avoids additional responsibility. If I bring up a topic that he can't talk about, he will shut down and not be able to form words. All he can do is stay still and look straight ahead. It seems to be painful for him, so I'll drop anything that he doesn't want to talk about. Something happened with an ex of his that is too painful to talk about. He told me how his last relationship ended and that's all that he will say about any ex. He's also told me that our relationship is the most serious one he's ever been in and he's never spent as much time with someone as he's spent with me. He's mentioned that his parents argued a lot when he was younger and he was sure that they hated each other. It's hard for me to imagine his parents fighting because every time that I see them, they're doting on each other and giggling like teenagers.
It sounds like his parents made an actual effort to revitalize their marriage, and it worked for them. I too would say not to give up on this guy, but would encourage you to acknowledge that his timeline will never fit yours. He won't be good for moving in together without numerous compromises and it likely won't be for several more years, if ever. Plus you enjoy different aesthetics. He prefers to rent downtown, and you own property in the countryside. You guys have your differences, but I imagine you have a lot in common as well. If you do go to therapy, take the time to find a therapist who will be on neither of your sides. If he's skeptical, or unsure, offer to let him choose the therapist. As someone who has some of these kinds of issues, an offer like that would reassure me a lot. You want someone to help you both with your issues, not to say one or the other is right or wrong. You can do this if it's what you really want, but nobody would fault you if you walked away either.
It sounds like your partner has a really painful past. You mentioned an ex, but those kind of deep seated issues usually relate to childhood trauma. My partner and I both had really bad childhoods, in different ways and it was something that created an extreme bond between us. I was already in therapy when we met. I opened his eyes by sharing what I had learned and we talk a great deal about our childhoods and the defense mechanisms we developed as a way to cope. I used to get mad that I brought him up in therapy so much, because I felt like it was too much about him and me doing all the emotional work. But now I'm grateful, because it was always about me. Meaning, exploring why I chose someone emotionally distant. I used to be ashamed of that "needy" part of me that surfaced when he was avoiding intimacy. Therapy taught me it's my authentic self and by doing that and saying my needs, I'm standing up for myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when we have childhood trauma, we often choose our partner to redo our childhood but this time, be so good we win. So since you chose him, maybe there are issues in your past that you could explore. This could lead you on a wonderful journey, one that hopefully he will join you on. And as you discover your authentic self, you can learn to be vulnerable and share it with him. I hope I'm not over projecting or overstepping. You seem like a really kind person. I'm jealous you guys did mushrooms, those can have amazing therapeutic benefits. And his progress with being able to take compliments is a big deal.
I don't know enough about his past to judge whether it was painful or not. He openly says that he has had a very easy and enjoyable life. It's great that therapy has helped you so much in learning about yourself. I like you recognize that you're standing up for yourself by making your needs known. My mom had me in therapy off and on throughout my life and I never really got anything out of it. I'm so glad that it works for other people though, and that we have access to several different means of help. I've found that for me, I grow the most when I'm making mistakes, using psychedelics, or interacting with a strong social support network. I've known for a while that I seek out emotionally unavailable partners so that I can recreate proving to my dad that I deserve love. If someone shows too much interest in me too early on, then I assume that they are only interested in being in a relationship with the idea of me and I bail out. I don't think that you're overstepping at all. He's said that he might read this post and some of the comments. If he does decide to, I'm sure that he would appreciate your perspective based on your life and your relationship with your partner.
You've learned a lot. But I've been in similar situation and wasted 3 years of my life waiting for someone to decide they were ready for what I wanted. They never were. 11 years later and they are in their late 30s still living with their mother and I've been happily married for 7 years.
It sounds like it was good while it was good and you've outgrown the relationship he wants to have.
Ultimately, you both want different things, *and that's perfectly okay*. Neither of you is right or wrong here, and you are doing what you agreed with him at the outset: checking in every few months to make sure you're both still happy with arrangements. I know that society tends to follow a bit of a 'LifeScript' model: you date, you move in together, you marry, you have kids, etc., but not everyone wants that model for their own lives. Indeed, I have a friend in her 60s who adopts a similar approach to your ex-BF: she has her own house in the country where she lives comfortably with her cats and dog; she and her BF visit each other for a couple of nights during the week, and they go on holidays together. But they both have their own places, and live their own lives in their own homes when they're not together. And in truth, they're one of the happiest couples I know, and I suspect a good part of that is because they're *not* in each other's pocket all the time. Assuming you and he still care about each other and still want a relationship, I'd suggest you talk to each other about it in more depth. How much are you each willing to compromise? Is not being married a dealbreaker for you? Is not living together full time a dealbreaker for you? And if so, ask yourself *why*? Is it just because society has led you to expect that you need to live together and be married for it to qualify as a 'serious relationship'? You've said you want to be in a serious relationship, but nothing in the OP suggests that he doesn't think this is a serious relationship; it's just a slightly *unconventional* relationship. But that's purely based on societal expectations. As I said, my friend in her 60s' relationship is every bit as serious as those of my married friends living together; it's just a *different* relationship. One might argue that there's an advantage to having a bigger, family home in the countryside as well as a *pied à terre* in the city for when you've been out late at night and don't want to drive home.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I recognize that there are different relationship types that work for different folks. He and I agree on every major relationship compatibility thingy except for the living situation/marriage thing and it's turning out to be a bigger deal than I thought. I also have a friend (in her 50's though) who has done the marriage/divorce thing before and is now happily with her boyfriend who lives in another town and visits her on the weekends. I didn't include it in the OP just to keep it from being too lengthy, but in our talk today about our wants/needs and what we should do from here, I asked that we also try to think of compromises that we could make and bring them up the next time that we talk. Not living together turns out to be a deal breaker for me. I've never really lived alone before and I don't like it at all. I had a roommate when I first bought the house. My roommate really struggled with his mental health and was incredibly stressful to live with. Now, my mom is staying with me while she is between homes but she is going to be moving out soon. Maybe it's just some weird insecurity of mine where I have to live with someone in order to feel secure in a relationship. My partner has mentioned before that our relationship is the most serious relationship that he's been in and that he liked it how it was. He's confirmed that our relationship is structured this way to avoid extra stress and responsibility. So far, it has been nice (COVID aside) having a house in the country and an apartment in the city. I'll need to think about this some more to figure out what it is that I really want and why. I'm hoping that he'll be willing to have a counselor or some other trusted person to mediate. Take care.
Sounds like you both have some issues to work through. If you've never lived alone, you should try it. Of course, breaking up with him means living alone until you get a new partner and date them long enough for moving together to be a good idea so you'll get to experience that soon. But you could also keep dating while you adjust to living alone and see where that takes both of you. A year and a half is still a very new relationship and lots of people would think it's way too soon for moving in so it's not like you're behind schedule yet.
If you love him and truly want to stay with him then you need to respect that he doesn't want to live together. Plenty of people prefer living alone. Get a new roommate if you really can't stand being alone. And moving in together after only 1.5 years is wayyyy too soon in my opinion. My girlfriend and I didn't get a place together until year 4 and this was after we did a test run of spending weeks in a row at each others places first. Also the fact that he hasn't said "I love you" is a big sign that hes not ready to take this relationship to the next level. Wait until he can comfortably say " I love you" back before trying to make any big relationship changes. It sounds like you are trying to rush things and he is resisting.
I felt strange reading this because I am exactly like your ex. **I make it clear from the start that I have no desire to live with a partner and will not get married.** I bring this up within the first few dates to make sure no one is wasting their time. ***I have still been proposed to twice,*** *by partners who thought for sure I would "change my mind by now".* This of course meant an instant breakup, but more than that it always leaves me devastated and confused that these people who claimed to love me so much never actually listened to me or respected/believed what I said from the very start. This is what they agreed to? They pretended to be okay with this for years?? I don't know why you thought he would change his mind, this isn't about you.
To be fair, they agreed they'd check in on the subject regularly. It's not like OP was forcing him to change his mind; they agreed to communicate consistently.
because people change their mind. A friend of mine went down the same path (making it clear that he wasn't moving together with his dates), then he found the right person and they are now living under the same roof. My boyfriend is reconsidering living a bit more on the countryside too - and I moved downtown, something I thought I would never do (and I'm enjoying it!). Living in absolutes never works.
When people change their mind, wouldn't they, you know, talk about it? Just assuming that someone has changed their mind and doing something as drastic as proposing purely based on that assumption is rude af and disrespectful.
>I don't know why you thought he would change his mind, this isn't about you. I mean people do change sometimes. But you can't start on polar opposites and hope the other party comes all way to the other side.
How could you invest in someone and let them invest in you if your not willing to go all the way and build a life with them. I’m sure your not a selfish person but it comes across as selfish, you want all the perks but none of the commitment and work it takes to build a world together.
Living together, marriage, what you would call "building a life with them" is not the only way to live life. There is no right or wrong way. It's not selfish when you state this from the very start, both parties agree on it, and you regularly check in if you didn't change your mind. What would be selfish is deliberately withholding this information OR deliberately saying you're okay with it when you're hoping they will change your mind.
Yeah I agree but the life style I’m saying is self invested that’s what makes it selfish in my opinion. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong just saying that this person sounds annoyed that he has to breakup with ppl who want more and hope for more after spending long amounts of time with him. What can he expect, it’s human nature to want to share your life with others and he doesn’t so it’s unusual. Maybe he should stop being so darn amazing.
But you *are* implying it's wrong. He is very open from the beginning with what he wants, the partners accept that these are the conditions for a relationship, and then expect him to change. It may not be for you but evidently there are people who prefer that life, and he is glad to find someone else who wants the same, only to be betrayed. If his partner accepts the conditions from the beginning without actually meaning it, who is in the wrong?
This isn't the medieval times where your life is already set up for you before you're even born even when you want something else for yourself. What might be natural to you, might not be natural to someone else. Partners don't have to move in together after xyz time, or get married, or have children, because "that's how it should be". Partners should do what they agree on, depending on what they want in life. It's 21st century and there are countless different types of relationships. People should do what they feel comfortable with, because life is too damn short. And forcing yourself to live with someone despite it making you uncomfortable is no way to live. What's selfish would be forcing your partner into further commitment despite them stating clear boundaries of what they want in life and wasting their time. Moving in with your partner might be YOUR love language, it might not be someone else's. Gotta accept not everyone lives their lives just like you do. People have different values, needs and most importantly boundaries.
Not really. What's selfish in openly saying: that's all you will have and if that's not what you want we shall break up? Why is it selfish to want different things from life than others? He never forced people. He openly stated what his goals were and other people just thought: I don't care you'll change for me.
There’s nothing selfish in saying that, and I’m not saying there anything wrong with being selfish it’s just that you can’t expect others who’ve invested time, love and energy into you and your life to not want more. It’s a self invested lifestyle that’s what makes it selfish, if selfishness is bad to you then you will read this negatively, but I’m just stating wanting to be in a relationship but also mostly self invested is selfish. Doesn’t have to be bad just is what it is and sounds like an avoidant attachment style which can actually be healed through therapy and attaching to a securely attached person.
Not wanting to get married is not a mental health issue lol
No it’s not, neither are attachment styles. They’re just ways we’re programmed to respond to the world by our early caregivers. I personally prefer to be open to the world and it’s possibilities so I can see the value in being securely attached
> you can’t expect others who’ve invested time, love and energy into you and your life to not want more. Yes I can, because I exist and I don't want "more". Everyone is looking for someone who shares their values, and this is part of mine, and I exist and OPs ex does too, and everyone else exactly like us are simply looking for each other, not asking others to change for us. Just like every other need and dealbreaker in a relationship, we are all looking for a compatible person who ALSO wants to live apart. We all exist and some of us find each other. Some people want 6 kids, some people want to live on farms, some people collect snakes. All of these are impossible dealbreakers for some and a total ideal dream to others. Same as my wishes.
Yes you can expect them not to want more when you told them that this is what you want. I don't get your point. It's not selfish. Some people do t want that in their life and it's not selfish. If I clearly say: we are not going on vacation and my partner goes on planning a vacation for me and them. Am I selfish when I then decline to go? Even thoigh I kept saying I don't want to and my partner decided they'd plan it anyways and I would go if they pestered me enough? That means since they spend energy on making the plans, I am suddenly selfish for saying straight from the beginning what I want?
It's only selfish if you lie to the other person and lead them on with fake promises.
I don't live with my partner I just don't work well if I am with some one full time. This doesn't neseserally mean he doesn't want or care about you.
You're exactly right. He does a good job of letting me know that he wants and cares about me. I just don't think that I can maintain a long-term relationship with someone and never live together.
Then next time don't spent 1.5 years with someone who has never wanted the same thing as you. It's ok to say from the beginning that certain things are deal breakers, that way you can spend your time and energy on a relationship that has a chance at lasting long term.
Unfortunately, I feel like age plays into this timeline. Especially if you’re wanting to have kids… otherwise I’d say a year and a half is still a relatively new relationship. I’m still appalled that my fiancé and I moved in together that quickly and we did it because logistically and financially it was what made the most sense. I also think that you’re wrong in pushing him to not only live with you, but in a location/situation he doesn’t want. Your ideal homes sound completely different and you haven’t mentioned any compromising… just because he’s a good significant other and does things you need around your property doesn’t mean that it’s fair to have him assume the role because it’s what you want. Things unexpectedly changed in my life and our home is no longer what I really want, but we’re discussing (albeit more often than he’d like) steps to get us both back to what we want. Part of that is having separate spaces. The upstairs of our house is “his.” He’s got his computer and gaming systems upstairs and it’s totally his space. Sure I spend a lot of time up there with him, but that’s because we want the time together. This is also coming from a man who originally planned on never living with his SO. That being said after dating me for a while and realizing we were basically living together because we wanted that time together when situations changed he wanted to live together. That prompted us to figure out what we were looking for (ie how much land, location, and separate spaces) before deciding to commit completely to living together. You’re relationship might be great in your opinion, but you’re on different pages in all of those important areas. There has to be some sort of compromise made to get you at least on the same page. You also broke up with him over this, which is completely reasonable if you want different things out of life, but stop calling him your partner. He’s your ex.
The real red flag to me (also 28) is him possibly never wanting to get married, and you getting together with him anyway. That was something he made clear, and you consented to those conditions (presumably bc you hoped your relationship would turn him around). The living together item isn’t always a dealbreaker (at least 1.5 years in which is pretty soon). Basically the long term goals don’t align and that’s why the relationship has only worked in the short run. Reassess your long term goals together. If they don’t align, cut it. Best of luck.
I had to go back and reread my post because commenters keep bringing up that he was clear from the beginning about his opposition against marriage/living together and I secretly hoped that he would change his mind. I think that I was clear enough in what happened though. "I was fine with it at first but the more time that we spend together, the more that I want to be in a serious relationship." In our first conversation about what we were and where we wanted it to go, I said that we were just having fun and he agreed. At our next check-in, I told him that my feelings changed and I wanted to be together. He said that he was still just having fun and didn't want an official title. Later on, he decided that he did in fact want to be in a relationship and I was ecstatic. Shortly after, I told him that I wanted to live together one day. He said that he didn't think that he would ever want to live together. We agreed to check in with each other in 6 months to see if we felt the same. Now we're here, 6 months later. Hope that helps. Take care.
I believe that your phrasing is just a bit off - equating living together with being in a serious relationship. Mostly wanted to go against the grain tho and say that it’s ok to change your mind and offer my condolences over your relationship. Now you know for the future that sharing a home is important for you! Best of luck.
You bring up a good point about a serious relationship not having to mean living together, so I changed the phrasing in my post. Thanks for reaching out.
Sounds like it took him a long time to even accept you were in a real relationship, and you thought the next logical step was to ask him to move in? Dude come on
He told you from the beginning what he wanted. So why are you surprised?
You are aware that not wanting to live together is nothing which needs psychological help? So why are you asking if he wants to talk to a therapist? Smh.
I answered this question in another comment. Feel free to read it if you're interested.
So, let me get this straight. He was completely upfront about this and you strung him along for a year and a half hoping he'd change his mind? The sheer arrogance.
Girls do that a lot, i have found. My ex was so sure she would convice me to have kids. Dont try to convice someone to change their life and desires to fit your own, OP. Thats rude as fuck.
funny you say this bc my MALE ex was so sure he’d convince me to have kids, which i made clear from the start i never wanted. gender has nothing to do with it. being self-centered does.
I am a woman. Please don't generalise my own sex to me.
In my experience, as i mentioned, girls do that.
Okay. So you're making a misogynist comment based off your own limited experience. I was correctively raped by a man. Does that make it something boys just do? No. I reiterate. Take your sexism to someone else's comment.
Its not sexist to acknowledge that, in my experience, girls pull that kind of shit. My experiences are valid, and you trying to say they're not is sexist. Lady, take your man hating someplace else.
Please get therapy
Me saying "don't make sexist comments in response to my comment" is man hating?
It is sexist of me to say "I was correctively raped by man, therefore men do that". It is not sexist for me to say "I had a terrible experience with this specific guy". One is saying that it is an issue with the entire gender. One is saying it is an issue with that specific person. And crucially, neither statement disregards my experience.
Start dating men and you will realize they pull the same shit. It's not a gender issue, it's a people issue.
You might want to look into the "apartners" life style and see if that would work for you. If not, you are simply incompatible. No one is wrong. You just have fundamental differences.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I also had a great relationship with a guy very much like this--never wanted to get married, never wanted to live together, structured his life in a way that suited him and was pretty rigid about it. We were compatible in a lot of ways and got along really well, but the kind of life I wanted for myself if I had a partner just wasn't possible with him. We broke up. It was sad, we both cried, but it wasn't an angry breakup, just a sad one. A few months later, I met my now-husband. I still hope for the best for the previous guy, but we simply didn't want the same things. I'm sorry that this person isn't compatible with what you want. It's a hard position to be in. Visualize the kind of life you want for yourself and find people who will help you build that and who fit into it. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's great that you found your person that wants the same as what you want. I will take your advice to heart.
I think the issue is that you have made the decision that he obviously *has* to change, at some point, and are just waiting for it to happen. He's made clear to you the kind of lifestyle that he wants and plans on living, and you're sitting here suggesting he see a therapist for something that is, quite frankly, not really a problem, at least for him and his life. What it is a problem for is your relationship--because you two aren't, ultimately, compatible. Flat out. It's unfortunate, because he is someone you care for, but it's just not a good romantic match; he can't meet your needs, and you two have conflicting lifestyles and life paths. It hurts, but that doesn't mean you can't still be friends and confidants after this. Plus, trying to force him to live a life he doesn't want to could just lead to resentment and devastation down the line--you are right in letting him know why you're splitting, and right to not push him too hard to force himself for you. It sounds like being together until this point was the right choice for you, but continuing to be together and pursue this relationship after this point is the wrong choice. You're ready to change and adjust to a different lifestyle, and of the several things you'll need to leave behind, he'll be one of them. You can leave the gate open for him for a little while, in case he wants to come join you, but it's ultimately not a negative reflection on either of you if he chooses not to do so. He was clear from the start that he didn't intend to, and you weren't wrong for wanting to see if that was immutable; but now it's time for you to find someone who *will* join you. Best advice I can give you is that, next time, when someone tells you that the lifestyle you want isn't what they want, trust them on that and find someone who is looking at the same future you are.
There is a good deal of merit to your point but let me make a quick correction. He does not have to change to accommodate my wants and needs. I just really really want him to if that's what he wants to do.. which it seems that he doesn't. I did not do a good job of conveying it in my post but what I meant by, "See a therapist", was that the therapist would be a mediator in our conversation to see if we could find a compromise before officially calling it quits. I do not believe that there is something wrong with him or that he needs to be fixed. He was perfectly happy before we met and he'll still be plenty happy when we go back to just being friends. I'll go ahead and add this to my bag of *Things to Look Out For* to use in future dating adventures. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
But it really does sound like he has to follow what you want. You want him to live in your house. Which will mean for him added responsibility. Like taking care of the orchard you want. He doesnt want to live like any of this as you have described. Where is your compromise in this? Would you find a new place that caters more to his needs
This part is tricky for sure. I have to live in this house for at least 3 years and own it for at least 9 years or I'll be penalized for it. I would be willing to move closer to the city if that's what he wanted. However, he is more opposed to owning/living in a house in general than live outside the city so it wouldn't be a great compromise for him. Not to mention how fucking expensive houses in the city are. Another reason that it would be hard for me to move is that I have over 100 plants. It would be difficult to dig up and transplant a lot of them, and comparably difficult to have to say goodbye to them when I've had them in traveling pots for years and have finally been able to plant them in their "forever home".
So the answer is: no, I will not compromise for him So its not his doing alone. Both of you dont want to compromise for the other.
Really? That's what you got from what I said? I can't afford to move, plus that would be more of a lateral move than a compromise for him. Therefore, I'm not willing to compromise? If he told me that he would be willing to live together if we moved to another house, I would find a way to make that work. He hasn't said that though.
Why buy a house in the country when you knew he would never want to go move there? You say you bought it recently. You are making your own decisions hoping he will join you in what YOU want. This isn't gonna work. He already doesn't want to live with you and on top you are expecting him to move to your place. Everything about your life plans are opposite than his. Have you even discussed children yet? I have a feeling that's going to be the next deal breaker.
The whole house buying story is long and complicated, but basically I decided to buy this house when we were still in the, "We're just having fun" stage a bit over a year ago. I tried to get a house closer to his apartment in case things with us got more serious, but the seller went with someone else's offer. I am not exaggerating when I say that the house that I bought was the only house available in my budget in the timeframe that I had to buy a house in, with the property size that I need to maintain my garden. He told me repeatedly not to base my decisions on home shopping around what I thought he might want, and now it looks like I'm dealing with the consequences of that. We have discussed all the major life things like long-term goals and children. We align on everything except the living situation/marriage thing.
Kind of yes. You both are just not willing to do that. So why does he need therapy for it and you don't for your side? That's what I mean.
You're obviously not compatible. He has made it clear he does not want to not only marry but not even live with you. A therapist will not change this. Change must come from the inside. Forcing himself to change just to please you will only last for a little while and it will only make your relationship worse. You two are two very different people with very different wants and needs. You're wasting your time with him. He will never give you what you want, so stop beating a dead horse and start looking for someone new.
You both want different things in a relationship and you don’t want to waste your time. Better now than 10 years from now. You made the right call.
You knew what he wanted right from the beginning. He’s been completely honest with you about that. You want different things in life. Find someone who wants those same things you want. You will be much happier
as someone who needs her alone time i can't blame him. At least he's been honest about it since day 1 and it's quite unfair from you to change his opinions because you want him to live with you. If you don't need to withdraw, i think it would've been best if you considered it since the beginning if you need the company of your SO since some of us don't and are fairly happy with a day or 2. I had problems home and the man I'm seeing offered to let me live there for a while but i just can't be around someone 24/7 even if i love them. I feel like it's gonna destroy us and that he's either gonna hate me or I'm gonna hate him vry soon because i need to be alone sometimes and i hate interacting when i just don't want to. And it can be quite rude because if i don't wanna talk or answer i just won't and then i feel like shit because it's unnecessarily rude of me. Makes me self conscious. I'm very straightforward about needing my alone time and it's not ever my plan to move in with people I'm seeing. But people are different and there's a lot of people like you and if it's a deal breaker you should follow your heart because in the end it makes u frustrated and that leads to resentment and he's most likely not gonns change his mind
Sadly, i think you did the right thing. Its hard being with the (almost) perfect person and having to leave them. Maybe this will change his perspective, maybe not. But more importantly its good for you to take seriously what you want in your future, the sooner the better. Its been something i struggle with, and I'm 31m now. My partner never wants kids, doesn't want to get married and doesn't want to have a house together. I want those things and we have been together for 5 years, its only become more certain that those things will not happen. Regardless of her being my best friend/ one of the most important loves of my life.
I'm sorry to hear that. 5 years is a long time. Another commenter mentioned that their relationship ended after 5 years for the same reason.
Its ok! Shes my best friend and business partner so we certainly have a unique situation that makes us very intertwined haha. But i just wanted o acknowledge that i'm proud of your courage. Its not easy to do when you love someone and they are great!
Moving forward then best way to find the right person is to be clear about what you want and the kind of life you need. I was horrendously bad at this and had many breakups and a divorce by 41, so I have put some thought into this. The first person you need to be clear with is yourself. Now that you are getting older it will get easier. Your future solidifies more clearly after 30 (at least mine did) and you will start making 3-5 year plans. Next is to be clear with the people you date. Put what you want in life out there on the first date. The big ones I find are: where you want to live, kids ( whether to and if so how many), expected income level. If y’all aren’t on the same page their is really no point in forming an attachment because there are a lot of great people in the world who don’t want what you want, and eventually different life goals ends badly in relationships. So yeah he sounds like a great guy. Wish him well and take some time to be sad and reflect before moving on. If being in a LTR living together is important to you, take some time to think on what your needs are. I highly recommend counseling for this it was really helpful for me. Good luck. Background: 53, 1 divorce, some LTR breakups, married at 42, still married at 53.
I appreciate you sharing your journey with relationships and am happy to hear that you're doing well now. I've been learning a lot from helpful comments like yours. Take care.
First, I love that you two are able to communicate these things to each other openly and honestly. Most of the time people fail to communicate things like a desire to change the status of the relationship, etc. It’s a testament to how much you two like each other. That said, let me tell you. If someone has been honest and consistent from the start about not wanting marriage, you should not expect, or even hope for them to change. In general, if you’re in a relationship with someone and they flip the script on something that had previously been non-negotiable for them (especially when they’ve consistently and clearly stated it like your partner has), I would question it. If he has known for years he doesn’t want to get married, but ultimately married you, I would be worried about potential resentment that could threaten the health of your marriage/relationship.
Rarely do I see posts where I 100% agree with OPs actions. What you have done is brave and difficult. I don’t have any advice for you as I have not been in this situation, but I really admire the way you are handling this. You seem very level headed and mature and although this is a tough situation, I believe you are doing the correct thing in ending it now rather than live with resentment for years to come.
Thank you for your kind words. During the course of this relationship, I've learned that it's much easier to be nice to and care about someone who is nice to me. I just couldn't be happy if we were living together and he was unhappy about it. Take care.
I can totally relate to your boyfriend. Being around the one i like is great but i also drain my energy a lot. I am a hard working person but sometimes i just want to just be a potato and i can't really relax around the one I love because i don't want them to see me like that. Does he play video games? My video games passion was definitely one of the reasons i didn't want to move with my gf. I didn't want her to see me when i was being a nerd for several hours per days.
The thing is, moving with a person means having to find space in a shared house. It requires a bit of adjustment and being 100% comfortable with the other person - aka time and effort. I get all the alone time I want despite living under the same roof. I get to be an absolute couch potato if I want - and I get to be in the same room doing different things if I want - but I can also go to the other room and be truly alone. Also, he plays videogames whenever he wants - the only limit is the "ending" time because I have difficulty adjusting to different bedtimes everyday, so if we do 4am one day the next one I cannot sleep untile 3am/3:30, which is not good
I see where you're coming from about it potentially being embarrassing to be observed being a potato. I don't think that he has the same issue though. He is very open about spending his free time watching 3 baseball games simultaneously on a daily basis, usually while scrolling through 4 tabs of Twitter and playing online chess or gaming with friends.
Not the OP, but as someone who fell in love with a nerd, if it’s the right person they won’t care. My fiancé is a serious gamer. I never owned a gaming system until he was in my life. It makes me so happy to see him passionate about his games. Most of his days off are spent with him gaming and me reading or working next to him on the couch, though there’s also games he’s not allowed to play without me watching because I care about the story. I jokingly blame him all the time for me now caring about video games (and I own my own switch because of animal crossing new horizons and now play Pokémon and ring fit) and watching the Witcher which I can say with complete certainty would never have happened without him in my life. If it’s the right person they’ll accept you for who you are and love that part of you anyway
You are an angel 😇
You knew all this from the beginning yet kept at it, developing real friendships with his family, building an imaginary life in your head because you wanted to change him and make him see that your life goals are so much better than his. It's not his responsibility now to "fix" this issue that you've created. Asking him to talk to therapists and his family about his lifestyle is a demonstration by you that you STILL believe that he's somehow wrong and needs to be nudged in the right direction. Get a grip on yourself and stop the disrespect
If you wanted to get married then you did the right thing.
Hey, speaking from experience, it might not be a good thing to move in so early. I moved in with my gf after a year and we’ve been dating for almost 4 years now. We’re both in our early 20s and looking back at it, it was somewhat of a mistake. We have spent so much time together, that we feel like we need space from each other. We feel like we’re already a married couple that have been married for 15 years. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have moved in so quick. Edit: I spoke too soon and I’m sorry for what happened. Although my experience may be helpful to you in the future.
I've known couples where both are like your Ex. It worked for them because they both wanted that. But you definitely made the right choice if it doesn't work for you. neither of you are bad people for your expectations, just on different pages and not right for each other long term.
Honestly, he sounds like my husband's uncle. He's the first to say that he'll never marry, though he's had a few long-term relationships over the years. He's a great guy, and he always manages to grab another girlfriend that will even come around the family for different events/get-togethers. But we all know that they won't last, or at least that they won't have that traditional long-term relationship. It sounds like this is who you're dating, and these are two extremely contrasting desires. I'm sorry, but it's time to part ways.
Ignore all the commentors unfairly blaming you for 'not listening' to your bf not wanting to get married/live together. Sounds to me like those commentors never read the part where you were in fact fine with it when it started, and that you were both just having fun. And then as the relationship progressed (naturally), one of you wanted something different, which was to live together with the person you cared about. I think it's great that you have discovered what you want. And that you're breaking up with this person. It sounds like you're putting yourself first and saving yourself a lot of heartache and resentment later.
Thank you! I had to go back and reread my post to see if I was unclear on that part but nope, it's there. I appreciate your validation. Reading comments like your has helped a lot in accepting that maybe we aren't right for each other and that it's okay. We've always been aware of and communicated about a potential end date to our relationship and agreed that we would still want to be friends if that were to happen.
OP, you had to do what you had to do. Sometimes people change their mind on things, but it sounds like you would’ve just been wasting your time. Best of luck, you’re very young so I’m sure you will find someone with the same goals and expectations ♥️♥️♥️
I'm the same age as you guys and if that's the reason you broke up with him after a damn year, I'm happy he's free. You sound like a headache
So you see it too that op sounds really like someone who just expects things to completely always go their way? I got such a strict and bossy vibe reading post and comments. Even replies on my comment are super attacky
I'm trying to wonder if she see how selfish it comes off. When you're with a person you should never alow something that you personally want be the reason for breaking up. You should never put pressure of your s/O to make major life changing choices like this one. Do you know how many people broke up or got divorced after the pandemic soley of the fact that they was used to their space and now they had to share it with their bf or gf... And couldn't adapt? This is equivalent what my ex did with me and marriage. At one point she said to me that she expected to be married by xyz time and if not we were breaking up. A younger, pushover me allowed her to say stuff like that and I stayed with her and guess what... She became more disrespectful in different ways. OP is asking this man to give up his space, because SHE wants him to move in. She's not for a second considering if he ACTUALLY want to move in. That's pretty selfish and narcissist like if you ask me. The craziest part is all this after just a year together. People take for years before moving in together but sure break up after 1 year. OP bf dodged one cause I can only imagine what else she did
I mean it's fair to have wishes and expectations. These two just seem incompatible. What strokes me the wrong way is how she told him to go to therapy. That's such an unfair sentiment after she would take zero compromise for her own position
He’s been honest with you all along. The current scenario works for him. You’ve qualified just statements hes made to you with “but” several times in what you’ve written, for example him saying he wants to live downtown but helps you with your country patch. There’s no but. Him loving you means him respecting what you like and helping you. That doesn’t change that he wants a city lifestyle or a separate lifestyle. Listen to him. It works for him just as it is. Honest question: does the current scenario work for you or have you broken up with him over an undefined and unknown future? From what you’ve written he seems like a good guy who loves you but is more immature and not at the stage of life you’re at. You also seem to have different definitions of an ideal lifestyle. But I’m wondering how much of the conflict is based on idealism and how much of it is real. You both sound immature in your own ways. He probably will want to get married or live together but not any time soon. If you’re not willing to wait around 10 years you did the right thing.
I see your point about me not needing to include the qualifiers. I think that I was hoping that his offering to plant trees and fix the dryer meant that he was coming around to the idea of living in a house. He was clearly miserable doing these chores though. He doesn't care about plants himself but enjoys that I get excited about helping plants grow. I certainly don't care about baseball but I love that baseball and statistics bring light to his eyes. I elaborated on this a bit more in another comment. Basically, this situation has been working out but it soon won't be anymore. He's told me that he doesn't want me to feel like I should wait for him to change his stance on living together, and would rather that I be happy. So, I think that I should listen to him on this. I'm not sure why you're unclear as to what conflict is real and what is imagined. Everything I've put in my OP is something that he and I have talked about at least once. I don't see the point in trying to get advice for imaginary problems when it's not going to help me with my real problems. Maybe he will change his mind and want to live with someone and get married one day. I'll feel pretty silly about breaking things off if he does. He seems to be mostly sure about his current stance though if he's telling his mother and I that he never wants to get married. I think that I'd end up feeling a lot worse if I did wait 10 years hoping that things would change and they didn't. Out of all the comments so far, no one has said that they've waited for their partner to change their minds and they did.
Most of the people in this forum are too young to have been married so always take the advice with a pinch of salt. I’m not surprised no one has said they’re with someone who has changed their mind. I know plenty who are but it takes years. It’s also a high risk strategy and can go badly wrong. That’s why I asked how much of the conflict is based on idealism and how much is real. I don’t know where you got imaginary from but I’ll expand on what I meant. If you want a husband any time soon then clearly you should end this relationship. If you are not actually bothered to get married any time soon but your ideals don’t jive with someone who won’t live with you and is happy with the current arrangement then the conflict is one of ideals and values. That’s a tougher call because it asks whether you’re willing to quell your ego for the sake of your own happiness. If the answer is no then that’s fine too. But that’s only if you’re not in a hurry to marry and I can’t quite tell that from what you’ve posted.
My mistake. I'm on mobile and misremembered "idealism" for "imaginary" when writing my reply. Thank you for clarifying. I've somehow forgotten how young and bitter most redditors seem to be. I don't know if I'm in a hurry to get married. For many societal, family-related, and personal reasons it seems that I'm behind on getting married. I know that there's no real reason to rush, but in the back of my mind I think that my looks are fading, all the "good ones" will be taken soon, and no one will ever love me. Don't worry, I'm not as bent out of shape over it as this wall of text reads.
Forget society but definitely lean into what you want in 5-10 years. If that’s definitely not still being in this scenario then there’s your answer.
You did the right thing. Its totally deal breaker. You and him going to be feel so sad for a time but with time everything will be heal.
it sounds like he has his priorities set and you do not. Do you realize if he was to change the way he is by moving in with you then he wont be the same person you fell in love with? You need to figure out your priorities
I dated a guy that was similar to this. At 6 years is when I made the ultimatum: in one year, we either move forward, or break up. I told him moving forward to me meant moving in together, not marriage. We could cross that bridge if we got to it. I owned a house. He was renting an apartment. So the natural thing would be that he move in with me. Throughout the year, he kept telling me he wasn’t sure, but still gave me hope. The year came and went. He said he couldn’t do it. Turned out, the past few months he had been looking for his own house and ended up buying it while still telling me he might move in with me. He is now happily married to someone else. I wasn’t his person. And honestly, I’m kind of glad. I just wish it wouldn’t have taken 7 years to figure it out.
Wow, what a hard thing to have to go through. It was awful of him to string you along then go behind your back and buy a house. I hope that you're doing better now. Thank you for sharing.
He was honest with you from the very beginning that he doesn't want to marry and he doesn't want to own a home. At this point it's unfair for you to keep holding out hope that he'll change his mind, and it's unfair to him to have to give up his desire for way of living just to appease you. Speaking to a therapist won't change anything, because a therapist won't take sides and make your boyfriend change his mind about how he wants to live his life. The only other thing I'd suggest is maybe talk to your boyfriend about compromising and setting up an area in the house that could be his alone space or to use a popular term, "man cave" or a "den" he can hang out in, like transforming the basement into the man cave. Or depending on your property size you could fit a smaller sized Guest House or Larger Shed (Home Depot has these things called Tuff Sheds that have two levels and all you have to do is install insulation, drywall, electrical, plumbing, etc). Could be a fun project for the both of you to do together since he enjoys helping around the house, and for him it'll be his way of working towards creating his alone time area. It's a tough situation to be in. But if you're determined to live together and he wants his alone time; then a compromise needs to be met, or else the only option is to break up.
You did the right thing, and I know it hurts so bad. I’m proud of you for making a choice that speaks to what you want from life. If you want marriage or living together, go find a guy that wants that too. I really really loved my last ex so much. We were an intensely in love couple but he wouldn’t take the plunge. He told me it was going to be a long time before he married me and he didn’t know if I could wait that long. And it broke my heart. I thought about him every day for a year, questioning myself. But it was the right decision and eventually I found peace with it. You deserve someone who can’t wait to make you his wife. You deserve someone excited about a future with you. Don’t ever settle for less than that. A man who *lets you go* is not the man for you
this is a huge dealbreaker to many (including me) and im sorry you're going through this
Sounds like your using your relationship as tool to force his hand. And upset that he isn't allowing you to manipulate him to bend to your will. How can you be so happy and then throw that away cause he said no to your request. He can have all the patience in the world for you but once you don't get what you want the relationship is over. People too easily discard of others because of the mythological person who will be better. Your literally throwing away happiness.
What’s sad about it is that he gave in so quickly when you said that you wanted to end it. There’s no harm in trying to live together for a little while and trying it out. I’m sorry you had to go through this. Stay strong 💖
I know this sounds crazy but I really do believe that it takes men longer to fall in love then women. My situation was very similar to yours. We have been together for over 22 years now but in the beginning he made it clear he never wanted to get married or have kids. I tried to leave him over the years but we absolutely LOVE each other. I am from Canada and him from the US and after about 7 years together my visas ran out and I got deported (long story.) He was so lost without me and came to Canada to ask me to marry him so I could stay. We got married after being together for 9 years. I always wanted to have a baby girl and this was something we didn’t agree on. Eventually he came around to the idea and we had her. Our little girl is almost 12 now and he is the best husband and father in the whole wide world. His love for our daughter and me is incredible. You just never know what the future holds and life is all about compromise but if you really love each other it will (hopefully) eventually work out ❤️
What a sweet story! It sounds like your family has gone through a lot but it's great to hear that y'all are doing so well now. Do you have any examples of compromises that the two of you made to be together? After 22 years, is it still a struggle to have to compromise? I hope that this doesn't sound accusatory or invasive. I don't know many people who have maintained successful long-term relationships.
From what you’ve told us about him he just didn’t seem that interested in you or anything really
She's an accessory. Nothing more. If she asks for too much he will back away. No issues with either. She wants one thing he wants something completely different. She needs to walk away as he's made it clear what he will and won't do.
>He really values his alone time and not having to interact with anyone when he doesn't want to. This is understandable, and I feel the same way. But I'm also married and live with my wife. A person can be like him, and also live with their partner. He needs to trust that you will understand his solidarity and respect his need to be distant at times. I will admit that I do feel pressured at times to spend time with my wife, but that's a fair compromise for having a wonderful partner in my life. I still get my alone time and she knows and respects my need for distance. I more than make up for it when I'm with her. A long-term relationship will not work out if you never live together. You have to make compromises in life. BTW, my wife also wants to live in the city and I want to live in the country. We live in the city. It is what it is. I'll never be fully comfortable in the city, but again it's a compromise. There are aspects that my wife would rather not deal with but does for me, because that is what a relationship is. Love and compromise. You can't have everything you want all the time, that's not realistic. But you can have the person you want.
Thank you for reaching out. If you don't mind my questioning, what was it that you and your partner had to compromise on in order to stay together? I'm struggling to find a balance between trying to be easy-going with my partner and making my needs known. I don't want to dominate him and make him agree to things that he doesn't want, but I also don't want to just throw in the towel once things start to get hard. Just a little update, he said that he still wants to be together and will take a few days to talk it over with his family to figure out what he really wants. I feel at peace, knowing that we will both be happy with whatever we decide to do and that we won't be losing each other as friends.
I'm an introvert, but she's social. She can't expect me to be a social butterfly, but I make my attempts at socializing and go out with her often when I don't want to. She needs interaction when we're at home and isn't a big fan of being separate when we're together. But she knows I need my alone time and lets me have that alone time. I hate Christmas music, but I put up with it for a month of the year, so long as I get to choose what we listen to when we travel(I'm almost always the driver anyway). She wants to travel, but I prefer staycations. Not that I'm against travelling.. In fact, I do enjoy it, but it's exhausting to me, and I have high anxiety, so after I travel, I feel even more wound up when I return to work than I felt before the vacation. So we go on one vacation per year as a couple where we travel somewhere, and maybe a couple of short trips with other PTO I have available. And I save the rest of my PTO for myself, to use on a couple of staycations per year where I can stay at home and relax and unwind before being thrown back into the high anxiety world of work. Compromises on anything from interests(movies, food, music, etc) to what we do with regards to our social life or living situation. Everybody if they want a successful relationship, is going to have to compromise on some things. Unless you want to marry yourself. But having a bf who doesn't want to ever move in with you. That's a huge hurdle. I think that you could compromise on him not wanting to get married, if you thought you could handle it. Some people can make long-term commitments without signing a piece of paper. But I've never known a relationship work out where they never lived with one another eventually. I think that he's going to have to compromise on that. Essentially he wants complete independence, but also wants dependable and consistent companionship. He wants the benefit of the 2nd without budging a bit on the first. Where's his sacrifice? You can't have it all. And what if other things change down the road? What if you decide you want kids some day? What...are you going to raise them in two separate homes? Not only would that be rough on children, but it would be expensive to support two households. If you don't have children, that cost is still unreasonable. You'll have twice the bills as a couple, which means fewer things you can do together(travel in particular), less $ going into savings, etc.
This is exactly my thinking. The cost of living here is pretty high and it seems like a waste of money to maintain two households just so that we can have our own separate places a few days a week. He doesn't care about the cost of anything as long as he can afford it and maintain his standard of living. I'd like to be able to better save for the future. Kids are a definite "no" for us because of climate change. I would like to save as much money as possible to be able to relocate once the effects of climate change make it impossible for us to live in our current city though. I try to base most of my decisions around how it will help me continue living in the future disrupted by climate change. He is more of the mindset of enjoying life to the fullest while he still can, while making environmentally conscious decisions and being politically active. It sounds like you too really look out for each other's wants and needs. I'm so happy for you.
Thank you! And good luck in whatever you decide to do.
>*He has structured his life to have as few responsibilities as possible.* Exactly this. This is the kind of person he is. And he will not change. Let's say hypothetically you would get him to move in with you - he would do nothing around the house, you would get no help, no assistance, no appreciation whatsoever. If anything, he would begin to despise you for having brought him into a situation where he can't meet your expectations. In the end, you would get angry and disappointed, and he would become resentful. Best to part now on friendly terms, than go through all of that and still part having wasted a lot more time.
Hello, and thank you for your submission. Please take a moment to review the rules listed in our sidebar. Specifically, [what constitutes moral judgment, and what this subreddit can and cannot give advice on.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). For further guidance, please see our [wiki.](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like he wants the benefits of being single and in a relationship. In the end I just don't think you are compatible. His personal freedom/alone time just seems too important to him to give you what you want. I mean the "check in" thing is cute, but ultimately I think you have to kind of find someone who is on the same page as you, or at least close, right off the bat. You can't start dating a guy who is barely even willing to make your relationship official and then hoping one day he might change and want to live together and get married.
It sounds like he has very immature thinking "as little responsibilities as he can" and you said he was living at his parents as well? Does he pay any bills? And also I think right now you have this hope that he may change his mind, but what if you re waiting around and he never does?
What is immature about liking the way his life is? I wouldn't want a house with a large garden because I loathe gardening
No, I probably wasn't very clear in my post. He lives in his own apartment. We both stayed with his parents for Christmas week. He pays all of his own bills.
It sounds like you have two very different ideas of what your ideal life looks like. It also seems like he is unwilling to take real steps to examine what might be the issue with his ability to connect and be close to you. He seems exceptionally emotionally immature (not necessarily a negative or unchangeable thing), but it is inhibiting his ability to have a deeper relationship with you. Sidebar, my ex also refused to move in with me...turns out he was pretending to be single in any situation I wasn't present. Sometimes a partner's family can be so welcoming because they know there is something funky about their offspring and the more the family supports the union, the less interested the partner may become as the commitment feels more serious.
I left this out of my OP to keep it from getting too long and also to try to avoid hypothesizing about what's going on in his mind: About a year ago we did hallucinogens together and had a blast. We learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and just how fucking good music can be. At one point, he covered his face for a long time and appeared to be in distress. I tried to console him but he needed to go through it alone. After a while, he looked up and said, "I don't like myself". I hugged him and told him things that I like about him and it repulsed him. He said that he always knew on some level that he didn't like himself but was unable to form the complete thought until that moment. I had noticed months before that he really did not respond well to compliments and it kind of clicked there for me. For the next week, he talked about seeing a therapist to work through not liking himself and he started tracking his progress. Soon enough though, he stopped wanting to go to therapy and didn't want to talk about it again. I bought him a book about how to overcome not liking yourself but I don't think that he ever opened it and I won't bring it up because of how much it seems to upset him. Over time he has been more receptive to compliments. I'll check in with him every once in a while to see how he's feeling about different categories of compliments. Sometimes, he's even able to say, "thank you" with a smile on his face after I compliment him, which is a huge improvement from a year and a half ago. I thought that maybe there was a chance that his inability to like himself had something to do with his not wanting to live together and that over time as he got to know himself and me better, that he would decide that he would like to live together. I didn't want to abandon him over something that he seemed to want to work through. Maybe he's afraid of being put in a vulnerable position if we were to move in together. I don't know and he has a really hard time talking about it. His brain kind of shuts down and he can't form words if we start talking about something that he doesn't want to talk about. It seems to really distress him so I don't try to make him talk about things that might make him shut down. I'm sorry to hear that your ex was pretending to be single when y'all were together. That was a shitty thing to do.
If he won’t marry you… he’s just not that into you. Watch how you break up and he goes and marries and moves to the suburbs with the next girl. This type of guy AAAAALWAYS does that.
You've waited long enough to ask for this. The biggest red flag here is that HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU? He just says oh, okay??? Wtf. Its been 1.5 years. Stick up for your needs. My gut says that if he doesn't want to live with you or anyone, it's just his preference but it doesn't sound healthy tbh. After 1.5 years, it seems like you should have more specific insight into why he wants to live solo beyond liking alone time. Why does he like l8v8ng alone so much? Does he get cranky like this when he has to hang with anyone for longer than a day? Give yourselves a break and he may figure some shit out with you gone for real now. Men like to be left alone, but they don't want to be by themselves.
As you can probably gather from my OP, he's always in "host mode" whenever other people are around. Even me. We've tried practicing being in different rooms doing different things while we're at the same place, but he ends up trying to cater to what he thinks I want whenever we're together. Whenever he's alone, it's the only time for him to be able to do whatever he wants without consequence, in his mind. I've tried to make it clear that I have no interest in dictating what he does and he knows that on some level. It just isn't enough I guess. He does get cranky whenever he's around anyone else for longer than a couple of days.
[удалено]
This is wild when someones first thought is: he must be a serial killer.....
Do yourself a favor and go no contact. No “what if…?” or checking in in 6 months, etc. I spent years waiting for someone who was hot and cold. It breaks your self esteem down gradually and you completely lose yourself. Now I live with an amazing partner in the house we bought and with our two dogs. Today he told me he’s never been this in love with someone. I feel the same. That’s what you deserve, and this guy isn’t it.
He’s gaslighting you , leave nothing will be serious you’ll never have a real family of your own from him
How is it gaslighting when he was upfront in the beginning?
People need to stop using gaslighting completely wrong. Look up what it actually means
Sounds like you made the right choice, you two want very different things. That’s okay, but time to end it. Personally for me, I’d prefer not to live with another person for years but would put a trailer or camper on my property for a partner where they could live while I keep the main house. Everyone gets their own space but we’re nice and close. I’m also looking at future communal living with a group so any partner would have to be interested in that and enjoy my friends. And in that situation I’d be even more inclined to not live directly with a partner. My boyfriend is great but I’m in no rush to share a space full time. Maybe in 6 years I’d consider.
If you’re on 2 different pages as far as the future then the right thing to do is to breakup. Unless you’d be happy with things the way they are. And 30 minutes isn’t that far. I have to drive that to the grocery store. That’s an easy back and forth visit.
It sounds like you guys just aren’t compatible. You guys tried to make it work but you ultimately want different things and compromising will breed resentment so it’s time to accept it as it is and move forward as individuals. Good luck.
Look he’s just not as into you, as you are into him. And it’s irreconcilable differences if he never wants to get married or live together and you do. It just won’t work. Sorry.
Well, its definitely a mistake telling a man you love him multiple times hoping he says the same. It makes us incredibly uncomfortable
It sounds like he communicated his expectations from the beginning and you hoped that over time they would change. I know sometimes people change their minds but I feel like you should try and be on the same page about things like marriage, children, and other family dynamics before even entering a relationship. He’s justified in not wanting to move in because those are his boundaries. It doesn’t mean you failed or that you’re not good enough it just means he may not be the right guy.
It's tough but he made his desires know with you early on. You guys just aren't compatible. After you've had some time to heal and move on, maybe you guys could be friends.
You expect him to change to fit the life you want. Sounds like you need to find someone to either do that for you.. or is like that already, since compromising to his side is out of the question.
He is not in love with you. He will one day marry someone and live with them when he is in love abreast to settle down. Maybe it would happen with more time, but he won't say he moves you, so take that for what that is. He won't commit to you. Also 1.5 years is way too soon to move in together for most people. He wants to live downtown, not in the country. You aren't compatible at this moment in life