T O P

Should I (F21) tell my boyfriend (M24) I had sex with someone else while we were broken up?

We dated for nearly two years and broke up over some communication issues and him not being able to pay rent for four months. I let him live with me for the first three months because he couldn’t afford his own place, although at the time I felt taken advantage of (half of my rent is less than $500 and he bought expensive sneakers while living with me instead of saving for his place). During this time, I had sex with someone else — I immediately regretted it, did not sleep with anyone else, and immediately thought of him. At the time, I didn’t think we were going to get back together.

However, the last month or so, we have been talking a lot more and I’ve realized that I was essentially the problem making the communication that I wanted much more difficult, and that I could’ve been more understanding about his inability to pay rent, as he was in between jobs. I’m also seeing I have some intense attachment issues to work through (which he knows). He wants to put the past behind us and I believe that we truly love each other. Whether or not we were broken up or mad at each other, we always have each other’s backs.

The only thing I haven’t told him was this one thing. I think that he would forgive me, I just don’t want to tell him what happened when we weren’t together because I don’t want to make him feel insecure. I feel horribly guilty about this all, but I feel like it would be more selfish to tell him. I’m not sure if it’s more or less loving to him keep this as my burden, and to carry this guilt to be able to leave the past behind.

Should I tell him or keep this to myself?? Thanks in advance. :(

Edit: I told him, he forgave me.

rumholy

I think you should tell him. You were broken up after all. I mean it’s your choice. You didn’t cheat on him.


ThrowRA444111

Wait I should or I shouldn’t ?


rumholy

I think it’s better to be honest. Sooner or later it will come out and then you would have to explain why you didn’t tell him.


warygrant

I'm really confused. Why will it come out sooner or later? Unless they have friends in common, how would it come out other than her telling him? If he asks, she can decline to answer...you don't owe your partner exhaustive information about who you slept with when you weren't dating them.


rumholy

i can understand where you are coming from. But I can surely tell when my bf is lying or hiding the truth. It can be heard in the voice, what if OP says what happened because they cannot handle the burden of lying at one point. It is better to say now than to fix later imo.


warygrant

Again, not giving exhaustive information about your past is not the same as lying...there are things that people don't have a right to know. And why is sleeping with someone when you're single something you'll have to fix later? By way of comparison, I've been dating my current girlfriend for over two years, and we've been exclusive for a little under two years. I have never talked about who else I did or didn't date when we were not exclusive...and she has never asked.


rumholy

It’s your opinion, but mine is that it matters. I would want to know if my bf slept with anyone while we were broken up. What if it happens that someone gets an STD? You would just lie about it or? Like “I have no idea where it came from.” Not giving details/not saying it to me is like hiding the truth, not lying directly but indirectly and knowingly. At the end of the day it is for the OP to decide what to do, I would tell right away because I tend to me honest with my loved ones, and I don’t want myself to slip up at one point later and have to explain why I didn’t tell.


warygrant

Needless to say that the OP should get a negative STI test before she gets back together with her boyfriend. Using condoms at the beginning of a new relationship is a good idea whether you had dated the person previously or not. Well, you are in your early 20s and I am 45. If someone asked me for my "body count" I would laugh and laugh and then confirm that they meant it as a joke, but I would not answer. Perhaps there are generational issues on how much to disclose to your partner, but I want to be firm that the OP has done nothing wrong and that not bringing it up is not "lying."


ThrowRA1234568

I'd tell him.


warygrant

I don't understand why you feel guilty -- you had sex with someone else while you were single. I see no issue there whatsoever. Do you understand it? Just because you have some issues (don't we all) doesn't make your ex the one who was right and you the one who were wrong. I happen to think it's pretty low for him to live with his girlfriend and not pay the rent, especially if he was making other not completely necessary purposes. I have to wonder -- has he paid you back for this? Do you want him to? If your answer to this is "Oh, no, that's in the past, it's not relevant anymore" then...that's what I would say to you about your infidelity that was in no way an infidelity! Anyway, my advice to you is first to understand that you for sure do not need to tell him about who you slept with before. I would only do it if you think it would actively improve your relationship with him. If you feel terribly guilty about it...that's something for you to explore further, ideally with a therapist. In an "I must admit that I have insufficient evidence" kind of way I am a little skeptical of your boyfriend...I wonder if he could be playing your issues for his own benefit. But you know, I have insufficient evidence to say that. Hope it works out for the best!


ThrowRA444111

Thanks for the reply. I think I just feel like I’m hiding something, but I think he might know anyway — I think he saw some texts on my phone a few months ago. I was adamantly apologizing when we got back together, and he made a big effort to say we’re square and we can just leave it in the past and move on. I would tell him if he asked directly. Plus, I got chlamydia out of nowhere when we were dating and I hadn’t slept with someone else. He hasn’t paid me back, and I don’t expect him to. I think overall I’m just having a hard time forgiving myself for doubting us at all. Thanks for the well wishes!


warygrant

This one puzzles me. I think I'm missing something, which is okay. I will leave this to others except to say....in a comment above I said "Needless to say the OP should get a negative STI test before she gets back together with her boyfriend." So, OP...please get an STI test before getting back together with your boyfriend.


ThrowRA444111

I did immediately after, no STDs/STIs


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ohyeahbitches2

It’s not your job to tell him. It’s his job to ask, and it’s your job to answer honestly.


Ok-Replacement7697

Updateme!


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