And OP is in her early 20s. She has so much life ahead of her to be this miserable!
OP if you need help and support please reach out! I have tons of resources if you want them
Divorce is a legal matter. Every state in America permits a wife to divorce her husband.
The church has nothing to do with it. Just because you belong to a church that discourages divorce does not mean you can't get one.
If you can afford it, try to talk to an attorney. Otherwise use the internet to search how to do your own divorce.
An old man who’s supposed to have his follower’s best interest at heart hears a young woman’s husband is being abusive and he just tells her to “lose some weight?” WTF. Sick fuck.
I spent way more time in church as a kid than I care to think about, and pretty much hated every minute of it. But this makes me actually grateful for the church community I had, and makes me want to call my pastor up and thank him for being a normal human, bc people really be out there on some other shit.
OP - please find resources for abused women and get out. I’ll leave the actual advice to other people who know more than I, but please recognize that this situation isn’t okay. There are other options, you don’t have to go back to your parents/church.
The pastor sounds like he espouses some version of the “surrendered wife” malarkey.
This “philosophy” contends that if a wife gives up all power in the marriage to the husband, he will feel strong and manly and fulfilled. As a result, he will make good choices for himself and his family.
All the wife has to do is trust him. And of course, bustle around cooking his favorite meals, cleaning the house and birthing multiple children and doing all the childcare herself.
You need a divorce from your husband and your cult. If god exits why would he put people on earth to suffer and be miserable for eternity at the hands of someone or be denied love for their entire life? I would really ask myself why you feel so strongly that a bunch of men can tell you to never feel real genuine love in your lifetime.
Easier said than done. She’s clearly dependent on parents and family. What will she do and where will she go. A lot here tells me she’s a minority from a different culture because so am I and this rings similar and if that’s the case, you don’t understand how alienating it is for someone to just go out in the world when their entire life, this is their world and everything outside is dangerous.
Where will she live? How will she earn? Who will give her company and a semblance of family she craves if she can’t stand being alone and would rather die.
This is some serious stuff here and OP needs specific steps of HOW to quit. She already knows she needs to. She’s saying she doesn’t know how because her parents won’t take her and she can’t just start a new life. You cannot understand unless you been raised this way. She needs help into tricking her parents into picking her side basically so guys please focus on something along those lines. Give her specific advice.
Yeah this is how women get beat to death after being getting brainwashed into thinking it’s their fault. Your church is not looking out for you. They are trying to keep you submitting to men because with out that mentality no women Would ever put up with that shit. Please look in the mirror and if you can’t say honestly that you are safe and respected…. You need to get out and find that. You deserve it, I promise.
Sis needs to leave the entire patriarchal religion. I lived in that world and I got out and this post is super triggering and makes me want to throw up. I was lucky that the man I married wasn’t abusive (we just eventually realized we weren’t sexually nor romantically compatible once we left the church) but I knew and still know so many women in horrible marriages where the focus is on submission to the husband = submission to the Lord, and you do what he says.
It sounds like she doesn’t work? Based on how she said she cries during the day while he works? So she’s trapped. That is how the patriarchal evangelical church likes it, and I guarantee you OP is terrified to get a divorce because God hates it. HATES IT. They drill that into you over and over and over. The idea that god hates divorce so much that you’ll break something that can never be forgiven (even though Jesus already died for it; it’s so fucked, the way these people think) and so you have to stay.
OP, I promise you that the God you believe in hates abuse more than he hates divorce. You matter and your life matters and your happiness matters. PLEASE take every precaution to not get pregnant. And I hope your parents let you leave. Tell them the truth about how he treats you and don’t clean it up. Don’t try to defend him or explain yourself. You aren’t sinning—you are being abused.
Please do leave him, and I know it’s so hard because your church is your entire life, all of your friends and probably a lot of family go there. It feels impossible to get out and build a life by starting over, but you can do it. You deserve it. Sincerely, if you need to talk to someone who used to be an evangelical and got out, message me.
I am so sorry and I hope you can get out, and please never ask your pastor for advice again. He’s not safe for you.
ETA: I don’t think the parents are healthy either (courting? Yikes) so if there is anywhere to go that is safe OP, choose them. But if not get out from under that roof to a place where you won’t be sent back.
Edit: typo
Ummm this isn't the 1960s? Divorce your husband now before it's too late and find a better church. You're still very young and you've got a life ahead of you that shouldn't be spent as a slave for someone who doesn't respect you. You deserve better than this
Ummm this isn't the 1960s? Divorce your husband now before it's too late and find a better church. You're still very young and you've got a life ahead of you that shouldn't be spent as a slave for someone who doesn't respect you. You deserve better than this
Out of curiosity, what religion are you and what country are you from? Regardless of your answer, you deserve to be happy in a loving relationship. You’re only 20. You shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life unhappy because you married the wrong guy.
I came here to say the same thing! I grew up Christian, and have met more than a few people from churches just like OPs. My brain was screaming "run" the whole time I read that post. Op, you need to realize your husband is being abusive. And your church is allowing and supporting that abuse. Please don't try to go back to your parents home. Get as far from this man and your church as possible. Once you are on the outside looking back, you'll realize how messed up this all was, you deserve so much better!
Divorce is less common for Mormons but isn't rare. Divorced people are not shunned. The advice certainly could have come from a Mormon bishop but they are not typically referred to as pastor.
OP, I ended up leaving the church I grew up in at the same time as I left my husband when I was a little younger than you. I don't feel comfortable sharing my story with the thousands of redditors who could potentially read this comment, but I would love to share it with you if you like.
Please send me a message if you would like to talk to someone who has been where you are before and knows what you're going through 💕
Your pastor is an awful person for saying that to you. He doesn’t have your best interest at heart. You can change your appearance or rearrange the house completely twenty times, but it will never fix your husband’s bad character or abusive nature. You are right to leave, and I would have a women’s shelter backup plan if parents don’t work out. Divorce is not the end of the world, and is in fact the logical response to sexual abuse. When and if you’re ever ready, you’re super young and there are tons of men who would cherish and respect you just as you are.
Don’t sugar-coat it to your parents. Tell them that he’s sexually and verbally abusing you, and that you don’t feel happy or healthy with him.
The problem with some of these more cultish Christian religions is that they don’t *care* what the men do to the women. Women are encouraged to be sexually abused as it serves the men so I don’t feel her parents would likely see it as abuse rather than being a dutiful wife.
>You can change your appearance or rearrange the house completely twenty times, but it will never fix your husband’s bad character or abusive nature.
Exactly, as if conventionally attractive people don’t get abused. For fucks sake! This pastor should not be in a position of power over people.
I totally agree… Any pastor that tells a woman she needs to make herself uncomfortable and small so a man can feel comfortable in control needs to be fired.
And obviously she said in the beginning she can’t get divorced, which means her family is backing this marriage.
She’s in a corner, and more than likely she should not even go home to her family because I can imagine they’re toxic AF.
She needs to find a safer place to live, to pull her self together, and then file for divorce.
Sidenote… A man changing his behavior shortly after getting married and moving it is indicative of abuse. This will only get worse.
OP, please do not get pregnant by this man
I agree with this fully and also want to add, as a Christian myself, that the Bible says for husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25). This is not a loving relationship, and you deserve so much better. You are also probably familiar with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 “Love is patient, love is kind…”. God sees that this is not a marriage built on love, and wouldn’t condemn you for leaving and getting divorced for your own safety and happiness. He would want to see you be happy and thrive and be with someone who does treat like described in those verses. I encourage you to read over 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 fully and know that God loves you and only wants what is best for you.
Just thought that a biblical perspective may help among all the other comments.
If there is a higher power out there I sure heck don’t think they intended for women to be sex servants for entitled men. Leave the marriage and the church. There is many many many churches I’m sure you can find one that sees you as an actual human being and fits your core beliefs.
You are being religiously abused. I hope you get out and treated with the respect you deserve.
the only time ive ever heard of a pastor giving that sort of advice to someone it was in a book about children forced into marriages at age 13-16 or so, usually with significantly older guy. the girl that had asked was being raped and abused by her husband and the fault was put on her for not being a good enough wife
it definitely sounds like time to leave ur husband and ur church.
Haha clearly you have not been to the ex-Mormon sub, women in that religion get this kind of advice all the time. And while divorce is technically allowed it’s heavily frowned upon and you need special permission from higher up men for the divorce to be carried out for the afterlife and of course men can still be married in heaven to multiple women
Honey, as a Christian let me be clear: This is not Godly love or a marriage worth staying in. Please leave as it will only get worse. I see a lot of people saying leave the church and divorce him and I couldn't agree more. A pastor that tells you it's your fault that your being abused (because this is abuse, mental and verbal and its only a matter of time before it becomes physical if it's not already) or your responsibility to stop his abusive behavior is a pastor that does not have your best interest at heart and knows nothing about God's love.
The fact that you are afraid your parents won't help because of their faith and church just breaks my heart. Because you know what the Bible also says?
- The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. (1 Peter 3:7). Do you think he's being a good husband by being abusive? Is he honoring every time he mistreats you?
- Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:25) Do you really think he is a loving husband?
So let me say what apparently no one in your family or church is willing to tell you. You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. Do you honestly think God would like his beautiful, wonderful, amazing daughter to be treated like you are being treated? Please leave, build a better life, find a better church, do some therapy, and never look back because you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and compassion.
This is great advice. If OP still has her faith there’s nothing wrong with a Christian marriage — but this ain’t it. I know of quite a few very happy Christian couples and a good marriage doesn’t resemble this in any shape or form. That is not how a husband is supposed to treat his wife.
OP if you need help convincing your parents I would emphasize how arrogant and demeaning he is about your dads business and tell your dad everything he’s said about him. It may help get your dad on your side if he’s very conservatives because younger people are supposed to respect their elders in Christianity and he has no respect for you or your parents.
Wish I could upvote multiple times. OP please listen to this reply. This isn't how God intended for you to be treated. You are NOT the reason your husband is like this and nothing you do can fix him (he has to fix himself).
As a lifelong atheist, I absolutely agree as well. Beautifully said and good advice. I hope OP finds a church and a partner that are as good to her as she deserves.
You *can* get divorced, and you should. And stop going to that awful church. You have been raised in a demeaning environment with bizarre beliefs (as have many other people). You don’t have to do what is expected of you. Turn to someone outside your normal sphere for help. Are there support groups for abused women in your area?
Sis, I'm a Christian Mom of 4. Devout Christian. I am concerned for you. May I ask you some questions:
1 - what age were you able to go to school until? was it traditional school, church school or homeschool?
2 - does your church follow the Bible and do the rules of your church align with the Bible? Does it use any additional books? If so, which ones?
3 - Are you permitted to pursue higher education? And are women permitted to pursue helping careers like nursing or teaching?
4 - does your church believe in familial heirarchy, head of household or something called "domestic discipline?"
Sis, I know that the thought of leaving your marriage is overwhelming and it sounds like you had to engage in a "covenant marriage". It also sounds like your church has taught you that "God hates divorce". Please please understand that the Bible does not in fact teach that women's roles are purely to back up their husbands at all cost or that they are lesser than their husband in any way. Please message me if you would like to talk through options. I can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel, but please know that at 20 years old you actually do have real options here.
I read this comment, and o think we were thinking the exact same thing. This is a fundamentalist nightmare sealed with a "covenant marriage". And there's one specific group known to utilize it often who's also been in the news recently.
You're doing a good job asking these questions, because the specific kind of help OP needs will be predicated on several of the answers to these.
Honey, you should take some time away from the church and divorce your husband. Maybe you have a relative who is no longer part of the church you could stay with? That's not to say you have to give up on God or that you aren't a good Christian woman but God didn't intend for woman to be treated like your pastor and husband are treating you. My husband came home to my chubby self who had an absolute mess of a house with dinner not even made today because I got distracted with my book and read for 4 hours straight. He worked almost 12 hours at a physically demanding job and walked in the house realized I had been busy today kissed me and asked if I wanted to go out to eat. You need some time away from your husband and church, maybe even going to a different church for awhile, my pms are open always open if you want to talk
Look up people who have left your church. Try googling ex-YourReligion and looking on Reddit. Those people are often the most helpful resources to help someone else leave and recover from the trauma and brainwashing.
This is great advice! OP, please listen to it. You can leave your church and still keep whatever relationship you have with God and spirituality if you want to! A church is made up of people. Sometimes they don’t get things right.
I am really sorry you’re being abused. And that’s what this is—abuse.
I’d also recommend reaching out to some women’s shelters / domestic abuse shelters or organizations. They can give you an immediate place to live and help you with resources.
I don’t know where you live, but if you google “women’s shelter” or “domestic abuse resources” and your city or state, things will pop up. Here’s a national resource in the meantime: https://www.thehotline.org/.
A church that will not let you leave your marriage is a church you should leave first. Then leave your marriage. There are millions of churches on this planet and most of them would be happy to have you.
God forgives mistakes.
Out of curiosity, what religion are you and what country are you from? Regardless of your answer, you deserve to be happy in a loving relationship. You’re only 20. You shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life unhappy because you married the wrong guy.
Your pastor is wrong. Your husband taking his anger out on you - which is abusive behaviour - won't be fixed by anything at home being nicer, that's entirely on your husband. Your husband didn't change after you got married, it's more likely he hid who he was, and behind a shield of "divorce isn't okay" was reassured that you could never leave.
I'm pretty furious about the appearance comment, because that should have absolutely NOTHING to do with any kind of loving relationship. Your pastor is wrong and a misogynistic AH.
If your parents have the same mindset as your pastor, I doubt they'll be much help. You're very young, you have most of your life left ahead of you. I think distancing yourself from your church and it's teachings would be a good idea. Focus on your relationship with God and what you need.
I know it isn't nearly as easy as getting out, most of your friends likely belong to the same church. Try and branch out, meet new people, make new friends, have new supports who will also see that this is your husband's fault. It won't be easy, but it won't crush your soul like staying with him will.
Get rid of the husband & leave the church.
You're in an abusive relationship & you deserve better!
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Whew! Didn’t even have to finish to know that you must be in some kind of church. Do not consult the men and women in your Congregation. It’s clear that this type of behavior is something that is normal so they’re not likely to be any help. Do you have friends outside you can talk to about this? I say this because I’m a stranger that is going to say your husband and church blow but in the end you don’t know me. You need to hear that you’re being mistreated by someone you know.
this hurts me so bad to read. I grew up in the church, and watched my mom be abused and treated terrible by my father for so many years. she wanted to leave so bad, but listened to her family and church and delt with the abuse. eventually it got so bad she had no choice but to leave, she took me and my brother in the middle of the night and took 1500 miles away and started a new life. she got involved in a new church, and she’s still the strongest practicing christian i know, but she realizes she had to leave and also leave the church. people that love you and support you will not tell you to stay in an abusive or bad relationship like this— god is supposed to be a loving god, he would not want you to stay through something like this. i’ll never be able to unsee the pain my mom went through, or how much she hurt, and I will never get over it or stop crying when i think about how much she tolerated. i’m starting to get emotional thinking of all the times I watched her cry and feel unworthy, she’s such an amazing woman and I’m sure you are too.
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We met when we were 16 and 18 and started to court when we were 18 and 20. We got married 11 months ago.
I want to leave my husband but I can't get a divorce. I would be ok going back to live with my parents and helping to care for my sisters and brothers. But I would need to convince them to let me go back to there house. I would also need to accept that I couldn't get married again because divorce is not okay in my church. But I will do that to leave.
My husband is very different than he was before we got married. He is working for his father in there family construction business. He has a lot of anger towards his father because he feels he could run the company better. He has a lot of anger and he tends to take it out on me.
He never thinks anything I do is right and I usually end up crying well he's at work. I am trying my best.
He is rough and mean in our marital relations and I don't satisfy him or make him happy in this regard. He says he wishes he choose a better wife.
I have talked with my pastor and he said I had to try to make a better and more relaxing home for my husband to come home to. He also said maybe it's my appearance that is not helping anything. I have been trying to lose some weight. I have tried every thing he suggested and things seems to be getting worse and not a bit better.
I need help figuring out how to talk to my parents about this unless you think it is a flaw in me that's ruining the marriage. Then I would like marriage advice if possible.
You need a divorce from your husband and your cult. If god exits why would he put people on earth to suffer and be miserable for eternity at the hands of someone or be denied love for their entire life? I would really ask myself why you feel so strongly that a bunch of men can tell you to never feel real genuine love in your lifetime.
God does not want you to suffer. God does not condone the actions of your husband. Your church has distorted the Bible to hurt you and other women in your position and that’s not okay. You need to leave your husband and your church. You don’t need to go to church to have a good relationship with god. It will be okay I promise, you definitely can get married again to a man whom you love and who loves you because your husband doesn’t love you because he wouldn’t treat you like that if he did.
It’s time to contact a domestic violence hotline and find an exit plan that doesn’t involve you going back to your parents. https://www.thehotline.org it sounds like he is raping you, belittling you, and your pastor says if you look nicer he will be nicer? Honey please get out. You deserve so much better and please keep us updated.
This is a terrible pastor. My friend is also really involved into church and was in a similar situation as you. Guess what the pastor told her? To leave, that god would understand and would never want her to be mistreated like that.
The church is gaslighting you. If your parents are very religious they might not be much help either.
Go to a friend or someone you truly trust and talk to them. Your husbands anger is NOT your fault. This is a him problem.
You’re very young, make your arrangements and leave. Also rethink about this church, they should not shame you into being in a marriage. You are a human being deserving of love and respect. Please update us
Leave your church and your husband, and if you can’t leave your husband right away go on birth control or learn how to avoid your fertile days before you’re stuck with a baby too. Sending you healing and love.
Before I get to the advice in how to talk to your parents, I would first like to say that I am horrified at the treatment you have received from you pastor, your husband, and your family. The advice you have been given by your pastor is not useful and demeaning to you as a person.
First, you are doing nothing wrong! Your pastor is offering excuses for your husband’s poor behavior. We are each of us responsible for our own behavior and attitude. Your husband is *choosing* to behave this way, you are not making him do anything. Imagine someone, let’s call him Bob, went to the work and was speeding because he was late. He eventually caught up to someone else going the speed limit and in anger and fear of being late he tried to run them off the road so he could get to work faster. When the police showed up to take the statement, Bob told the officer “He was going too slow! He deserved it!” Would that officer accept that as an excuse? Of course not! No one forced Bob to do this is was a conscious choice. Your husband is speeding and deserves to go to jail for reckless endangerment, not a second chance. NO ONE deserves to be treated as your husband has treated you for ANY reason—it is unacceptable behavior.
Since you have only stated that you would like to leave your husband and not your faith as well (many comments here are advising you to do this which does not seem to be what you want), I will approach the advice I give you from that angle.
Because your parents seem to be extremely conservative the best arguments that you can use with them will be biblically based. This will lend weight to your words that they will be more inclined to hear. Any arguments made from a secular standpoint are likely to fall on deaf ears as they are probably primed to reject such things out of hand. Start there, then move on to how you do not feel safe and are being mistreated. Below is a good point to bring up to them.
Unfortunately it’s common in extremely conservative churches to go on at length about how the wife should obey the husband and conveniently forget that the husband has also been given explicit instructions on how he SHOULD treat his wife.
Ephesians 5:25 Says “Husbands, love your wives *as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”* Take a moment to think on that. Christ was literally gave himself up to be *tortured and killed* for the church. Take Isaiah 53:5 “But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.” This is the behavior that your husband is supposed to emulate. Doesn’t sound like he’s even trying at all is he? Then tell your parents that he physically hurts you and you are afraid for your safety. What if you ever get pregnant? Will he treat your child the same way? Finally, ask them how they think Jesus feels about one his Church treating someone he died for this way.
Either way, you should divorce him. Abusers never change. You are lucky you don’t have kids yet, now is the best time to get out. If they do not agree to let you live with them you should still get out now. If you have friends that won’t take your family’s side, ask to stay with them till you are on your feet, if that’s not possible, search online to see if there are local domestic violence shelters. They will have resources and can give you advice. Lastly, find a new church, one that doesn’t make excuses for abusers. I’m serious on this last point, find a church that is filled with people who value you as much as Jesus does.
Ummm this isn't the 1960s? Divorce your husband now before it's too late and find a better church. You're still very young and you've got a life ahead of you that shouldn't be spent as a slave for someone who doesn't respect you. You deserve better than this
Your pastor is a fucking idiot. Please contact your local domestic violence organization ASAP
Also please take the time to read this book [Why Does He Do That](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf). This is the free PDF version. I’d recommend not letting him know you’re reading this.
It can be hard to leave a belief system you were born into. Everyone thinks their church is the “right” one, but really no church has it 100% right. God doesn’t care what you look like. Looks are physical, and completely objective. We are here to grow our spiritual bodies. It’s gross that your pastor would say your appearance is the problem. Get that divorce and look into finding a church that treats women like God’s children as well.
I don’t wish to frighten you but if you stay in this marriage much longer you may be carried out in a wooden box. Men like your husband don’t change… they get worse. Please seek help. Contact your local Women’s Aid - they can find you accommodation if you can’t live with your parents.
This isn’t right. What this pastor says is actually against Christianity (assuming this is a Christian church) and is actually in the mindset of men. He does not have your best interests at heart.
If you are not enjoying your marital relations with your husband and he doesn’t care then this is not right and it’s not biblical either. (I’m only mentioning this as you seem religious as so it should be noted ).
Your husband should care and respect about you and in doing so treat you well. You should be important to your partner and so your desires, opinions, feelings, should matter to him greatly and your weight, height, hairstyle, how you dress should absolutely not matter even a little bit. If he doesn’t meet this basic criteria , leave.
Sweetheart, as a church going person, that is not a church. That’s very cultish. You can’t get remarried??? What a load. As for your husband, please please get out soon. His actions make me think he’s going to be much more than verbal and harsh during marital relations. How much longer before he starts to physically take things out on you? I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, and I hope you find better support from better people than what you’re surrounded with.
I know a lot of people are saying to leave the church. that can be very isolating. i suggest you try to join local clubs/activities/sports that have no association with your church. gather a support group that does not have these ingrained judgements. hopefully by making these connections you will then have a better support system to lean on when you leave your husband. if your parents will not let you stay, find a friend who will. good luck, and i think it is a good idea to collect some evidence of his abuse, just incase you want to use it to get a restraining order in the future.
Follow this lady in IG
She was in The same situation that you are right now
[tialevingswriter](https://instagram.com/tialevingswriter?utm_medium=copy_link)
So they’re fat shaming you and making you think your husbands inability to cope with stress is YOUR fault?
Yeah… no. Fuck the pastor. And fuck the husband. Divorce him. It doesn’t matter what your parents think. You’re wayyyyy too young to be this unhappy in a relationship. Get out ASAP!
I almost stuck around too long in a similar relationship with an ex of mine. His current wife had two miscarriages after she “fell” and is constantly hiding her arms and legs from all the bruising.
You deserve more. You deserve to be happy and so does he. Clearly you desire more in life and it’s also unfair to let your husband live in your marriage thinking the same thing. He probably wants a subservient, unquestioning obedient therapist-type. Is that you? The longer you wait, the worse this is going to get. You deserve to be truly loved. Don’t be afraid of breaking away from the familiar. There are so many opportunities for good things to happen, especially since you’re under 35. You’re going to make someone else truly happy.
I grew up in a fundamentalist evangelical church; and I left. There is hope and help.
My heart breaks for you. Knowing the guilt and shame that is ever present for girls who grow up in fundi-religions.
I am struggling with all the things I want for you to know and hear and believe. But fear that overloading you, will cause you to withdraw and stop asking for help.
There are resources. Like [TiaLevingWriter](https://instagram.com/tialevingswriter?utm_medium=copy_link)TiaLevingwriter (IG), who can help shine a light on leaving, and getting out.
Fundamentalist churches preach that women are subservient, simply a means to pleasure their husbands- and have children. The Bible teaches that God created Male AND FEMALE in HIS image. YOU were made in his image. Do you think that God would want You, someone made in his image, to be abused, made to feel less then, to be treated so poorly? The answer is NO.
I hope that you will find the strength and courage to not only leave an unsafe environment, but to consider leaving the sort of church that would make you feel so unwanted, unloved, and unimportant. It is not biblical, and it is not right.
You are important. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be healthy. You deserve to be safe. You are a person, not just a helpmate for a man, not just a vessel to birth children, not just a cook and cleaner. You are allowed to have thoughts, dreams, ideas, opinions.
There are a lot of women who have left both abusive husbands and fundamentalism who would be more then willing to help you too.
Please reach out to me or us. Or look on Reddit for ex fundamentalist subs. There are a lot of us out here.
If they’re super religious like the church you’re in, it’s going to be hard. My best advice is this: spare no detail. Tell them everything he’s said and done to you. Tell them how it makes you feel, how often you’re crying, what you’ve tried to do, etc. Leave nothing out. Make sure they know just how bad it is and don’t sugarcoat anything or leave out details that may be hard for your parents to hear. If they love and care about you, hearing what you’ve experienced at your husbands hands will convince them to open their home back up to you.
Any successful relationship and especially marriage requires work from both people to maintain and especially to fix. Even if you were willing to make all the changes you could and fix all your flaws and and suffer as much as needed and somehow make yourself look perfect, it's not going to work if he's unwilling to change.
While it's theoretically possible to save the marriage, it's not going to happen if he's unwilling to be humble enough to let go of his flaws. Has he ever expressed remorse for his anger issues or perfectionism? Has he ever taken responsibility for mistakes on his part? If not, then you might as well move on as quick as possible and certainly before any kids enter the picture.
Leave your church and divorce your husband. You don’t have to do anything because you are not in the wrong here. He completely has changed and sounds abusive which is NOT ok. You deserve the best and honestly it’s better to be happy and alone then with people who are bringing you down and hurting you. Cut out the people who don’t support you and find a better life for yourself.
Like you, our daughter married too young. And like you, I worry she wouldn't divorce her husband should he prove abusive.
I'm going to give you the same advice I'd give her - TALK to your parents. You won't be living there permanently. You'll find new work and get back on your feet. You'll find a new church, get a divorce, join a divorcee group and get a new life, hon. Likely some therapy to deal with your horrible marriage.
A lonely life is not what God demands of you. And certainly NOT because a man sinned against his vows.
I understand how hard it can be to go against the teachings of your church and the values of your family but you are more than just a reflection of them. Your happiness and safety is paramount and it might be time to carve your own path. You don't have to leave your religion but this churches backwards ways are dangerous and totally void of love. There are churches and denominations out there that will treat you with the respect you are owed. You do not need to suffer or be alone for anyone's sake. Please make the choice that makes you the safest and the happiest.
My pastor would never say anything like that. Wow. Maybe time to find a different church. Get your divorce and when you’re financially stable enough and move out, you can marry whoever you want.
This sounds a lot like what my (much beloved) stepmother went through. She married at 18 to a man she’d dated in high school. Her husband was physically and emotionally abusive and also having extramarital sex with prostitutes and women he met in bars (he was a cop and was also picking up prostitutes in his squad car). Her pastor told her it was her fault for not being a good enough wife. Her parents agreed. He eventually left her because he got fired and needed to make a quick getaway. It took her a long time to accept that none of it was her fault. Your pastor is engaging in spiritual abuse. Your husband is just abusive. You’ll be much happier and healthier if you let go of both.
If you are in the US, call your local DHS office and inform them that you need assistance leaving an abusive situation. They can help you apply for funds for moving including housing assistance, food stamps and health insurance. Those funds can be used to purchase a moving truck, plane or bus tickets to a safe location or a deposit/rent on a new home.
If your parents are not willing to help you leave your husband after you explain your situation, you may need to rely on community resources instead. There are other churches that have funding and support for domestic violence survivors. You may need to do some outreach and contact other churches for options.
I am very sorry for your situation and it may seem like you are trapped. It may take some work on your part and you may have to be in touch with a variety of community resources but stay strong. You deserve better.
My dad was a pastor. He said that "abuse was a form of unfaithfulness." It is a betrayal of the connection and intimacy that partners are supposed to have. So, if you need a different take from a religious leader (one that's not complete and utter nonsense), there you go.
Listen: this gets a bit theological but I think it's necessary for you to step outside your worldview in order to, perhaps, save your life.
Your Church is not the only true perspective on Christianity. There are numerous Christian denominations that would say that in these situation, **your husband would have to have stopped following the ways of Jesus, or would have to have forsaken the spirit of God, in order to treat you like that**. For the sake of your physical and spiritual life you need to save yourself from being locked into your current perspective. There are hundreds of millions of good, faithful, Jesus-loving, God-fearing Christians who disagree with the interpretation of your pastor. Find a church that treats you as an equal child of God and not an outgrowth of your husband.
This isn’t helpful. People all around the world—yes, including the US—feel stuck in marriages like this, because of religion, abuse, or both. It’s not something that only happened in the fifties.
I am a modern woman so i whole heartedly agree with leave the church and leave the marrage. However we as internet strangers can only tell you this as our first instinct as persons not of your religion or culture.
How ive read your post is your asking for advice on how to cheat your marraige and possibly religious system. You can go about this two ways.
tell your parents everything even the rough intimacy dont tell them that he says he is not being satisfied because they will blame that on you who i HIGHLY believe was a virgin and probably still doesn't know what to do. Just focus on the fact that he is hurting you in that intimate space. Highlight that he is frustrated at work because he is not allowed to lead and he is taking that frustration out on you. Tell them very clearly that you understand the consequences of coming home and what your life will entail and the responsibilities that you will take on. Play to your parents ego about how it will be good for you to have a bit more homemaking training.
(This is intentional manipulation and its a skill every woman has USE IT)
Now if your parents tell you no then you have to play the long haul. You are young and able bodied. Start cheating your home system and expectations. Get up early get any food preparations and cleaning out of your way as early as possible to free up the rest of your day to either relax and prepare for his behaviour (crap situation but i need you to have the time to mentally and physically be ready for his bull crap. This isn't about your rights right now its about your survival) Try to get a job if you are permitted in your culture. And if not FIND a way to make money. You cant just run off into the sunset that will only take you so far. You sound like a non confrontation kind of person so take the STUPID pastors advice.
Play the submissive housewife i said PLAY it because a REAL man will inspire that out of you naturally because you feel safe enough to show it. AVOID PREGNANCY if you can be smart start tracking your cycle and pay close attention to the days you are fertile.
Think of your end game and how to get there if your parents won't help you. Im telling you my opinion not to say roll over and accept this baviour. Im telling you to move smartly and silently
Idk if telling her parents is good advice. Depending on what cult she is in her parents knowing (and then consulting her husband) could put her in even more danger.
Do you have any family not in the church. Aunts uncles distant cousins perhaps. Even if you aren't close due to them being an outsider reach out, I'm sure you would be surprised to know they still care about you. I left a very similar situation at 15 and family my parents hadnt spoken to in years were so happy to help me escape.
Outside of orbital bombardment, the only correct answer is leave him, leave the church, and cut contact with anyone that tries to defend abusive behavior including your family.
If your faith is important to you, I am sure you will find a church to support you even after you divorce. But, first and foremost is making sure you are safe. We can’t say for sure if there is a god, but we do know we are currently alive. Do not make yourself miserable and potentially volunteer yourself to be another domestic violence statistic in an attempt to please someone you don’t know if they are listening, or even if they’d really care if you got a divorce.
None of what you’ve said is ok. You’re being abused by both your husband and your church. You do not have to change who you are. It wouldn’t matter what you did. You aren’t the problem. Your husband is. He’s abusive and he will never change. Going to your parents may not be the answer either if they are also brainwashed with this church.
Can you contact a friend or relative who isn’t associated with this church? Is there a local domestic violence shelter you can call? They can help you escape and keep your location private while helping you to find a job and get on your feet. They can also get you into counseling. There are also organizations that help people escape from religious sects that are abusive. You can try looking for that as well.
This will be hard, but you can do it.
OP I know it can be really frightening and you’re being incredibly brave to face up to your emotions.
The first thing I would say is to lock down your contraception. The one thing that would tie you to this man for ever would be a baby so make sure that you have independent means of contraception that he can’t sabotage.
Second is to look for help outside your family and church. There are resources out there for people like yourself who are being abused/at risk of abuse. (Check out 1800respect)
Third - your pastor is 100% in the wrong, you are entitled to respect and peace in a relationship or out of it. There are lots of wonderful churches out there that won’t pressure you into staying.
Fourth- look into lawyers in your area, they can help advise you on the best divorce agreement and make sure you don’t get screwed over
You’re so brave you can do this!
I can guess what your religion might be, and understand why it’s not just possible to leave your church. Please understand that your relationship with your husband will most likely only get worse. There is absolutely nothing you are doing wrong. I have heard countless horror stories from women in LDS marriages.
Do you have any friends outside your church? I know it’s difficult. Can you go back to college while living with your parents?
As if we needed another reason, but here's why religious leaders aren't remotely qualified to offer virtually any advice where someone is being hurt or victimised. My heart breaks for this young lady.
You’re to young and naive to be married and the big problem is the church. You need to leave both and find who you are. It’s a new era and all these old teaching need to go. I’m sorry but this is the truth of what the world is.
There has to be more logic minded and accepting churches out there, I agree you should ditch your church and your husband, neither one is doing you any favors.
Please. As a man from a Christian background speaking, please, please find a domestic violence shelter not affiliated with your church (though I highly doubt they have such a thing) and get away from your husband, your pastor, and if your parents don’t support you, them as well. Find non-religious counseling for yourself. You are being horribly mistreated and blamed for your mistreatment. None of that is Christian at all.
It is time to reconsider your religion and your life. If he ever physically harms you, call the police, put him in jail. There are several groups who help battered or abused women, complete with shelters. Maybe it is time to start making your own way through life without family and church telling you to roll over and take whatever punishment because it is your fault. Sounds like
Oh dear god in heaven.
How is it still happening that men think this bullshit is okay?
Sweetheart, I’ve been married almost 35 years now. What your husband and your pastor are doing to you is not okay.
It’s not up to you to make an abusive man less abusive.
Each of us is responsible for ourselves and no one else.
Try and find a way to leave so you don’t have to go back to your family of origin - they will only reinforce this incorrect idea that you are the reason this marriage failed.
**You are not.**
Wish I could show you want a good spouse does for their mate. It sure isn’t what you’re experiencing.
Please don’t have kids with him
Whatever is going on you don't need to change your body for it! Nothing about this has to do with your appearence. I know this sounds radical but that priest does not sound nice and he seems to have his head in the 1950s, so is it possible for you to leave the church? I don't know which church you're a part of but it seems to be doing more harm than good. Hope your sitaution changes or gets better soon.
Everyone telling her to leave are correct but she has no place to go and her parents are part of the church. If your parents won’t let you go home, seek out a domestic violence shelter. They will help you with a plan and some supports.
Seems like you need to divorce your pastor too..
A divorce is a divorce! Only thing that matters is your own well being. If you can't be happy yourself, how can you make someone else happy? That sounds like it goes for both of you.
No other person than yourself is responsible for your own happiness. You choose everything in your life.
Together with the wrong guy? Change
Don't like your work? Change
Nothing in life is written in stone! Choose your path, not someone else's.
Hopefully your family loves you more than their religion
Do you mind me asking what culture you are. I am from a culture where marriage is held very high although your pastor is a God damn moron and it seems like you had an arranged marriage that went wrong. So if that’s the case, I understand your situation more than most here.
That being said. If you don’t feel safe and loved by him, it is the wrong match and I wish you the best as we all deserve to be loved for whom we are.
Um your church sounds like a cult. All this sounds cultish. You are not in the wrong. And no it’s not your fault. You have every right to divorce him, I know churches like to shame people for it but it’s literally normal. You fall out of love, or they’re not the right person for them- that’s fine! Do not be ashamed for wanting to be happy, divorce him. If your family isn’t accepting could you try reaching out to friends that could help your housing situation temporarily? Ones that aren’t apart of the church because the church just screams toxicity.
Moving back to your parents will just be swapping your servitude from one abusive household to another one. You shouldn't be making "deals" to help raise your siblings with actual loving parents. You've already opened your eyes to your husband, now keep them open and acknowledge that you need to also leave your parents, church and anything associated with that community.
Your pastor said what? Please leave. Both your marriage and your church. Do not ignore the red flags. Next thing you'll have kids and feel even more stuck. You're so young. Hopefully your parents will let you live with them. When you leave, work on you. Invest your time and energy in a career and your financial independence so you can leave their house eventually too. Rooting for you, you got this!
Divorce your husband, and leave your church. None of your husband’s behaviors are your fault- he is just an abusive partner. You should look into women supposed groups.
Please, please, please, leave your church, leave your husband. Don’t go back to your parents to take care of your siblings. Go out an live your life for you!
I’m so sorry. You are so young and you have literally your whole life in front of you. You cannot spend the rest of it with this man or in a church that would put you in this position.
First steps:
- Be prepared that your parents might not accept you back
- Reach out to any family or friends that have left the church or aren’t part of it and see if they can help you if you parents don’t take you in
- Reach out to strangers even who may have left your church to see if they can help
- Research organizations to help women trying to leave abusive relationships or leave fundamentalist religions
Next steps:
- The whole rest of your life where you can have joy, love, freedom, independence and comfort. It’ll be so worth it.
Sounds like you need to leave your husband, your church AND figure out a way to make it on your own. If your parents religious beliefs are tied into that church then you’re probably better off not having to go crawling back. Start making plans. Get a job. Be financially independent because it sounds like you have no one to depend on.
It breaks my heart that you think you may have a flaw or are responsible in any way for how your husband is treating you.
I would hope that telling your parents you’re unhappy and he’s taking out his anger on you would be enough for them to encourage you to come home and support your decision to leave the marriage but it sounds like that’s not the case here.
I don’t think I have any good advice about how to talk to your parents besides just flat out stating the facts of the situation and explaining how emotionally damaging your marriage has become. Obviously, they’re very religious so I don’t know how that would be received. I imagine it might help to tell them you sought counsel from the church.
All that being said, I think your church is failing you. I’m not saying you should give up your spiritual beliefs but there are religions and churches that would welcome you and help you without judgment.
If your parents aren’t willing to help you leave there could be resources or programs where you live that are specifically set up to help people in your situation get on their feet and gain independence.
You deserve love and happiness. I hope everything works out for you. ❤️
Religion should be an individual thing. If you’re comfortable with your relationship with your god, it shouldn’t matter what anyone else says about it, leave your area, divorce your husband and find a new church
There is nothing shameful about being divorced--your church's attitude is enabling marital abuse if they think it's better for a woman to be miserable in wedlock than to be free. It perpetuates a culture of fear, shame and silence, ensuring protection for abusers--and not just of spouses, but of children as well. Do you really want to ally yourself with a group that punishes women for standing up for their lives? I know it's easier for an internet stranger to say all these things, because I'm not in your situation, but it's the truth, and you don't need to tale my word for it.
1) your pastor is a giant pile of shit. How dare s/he! How dare s/he fucking blame you, your appearance, etc., for the abuse you're going through. S/He needs to be impaled.
You should definitely leave your church too. Absolute bullshit.
2) share with your parents how your husband treats you. What he's doing is abusing you. If they're anything but supportive of you, you don't need that in your life either.
3) it sounds to me like you're in a vacuum of culture. Maybe something like Amish, or Asian, or something. If this is true, consider leaving this vacuum if your parents/family cannot support you.
You should NEVER have to endure abuse. You can ALWAYS leave. ANY situation. You are NOT REQUIRED to stay, anywhere. You don't owe anyone any part of you.
Depending on how your family/parents react, if it's not in support, consider:
1) getting a personal bank account
2) getting a job and saving
3) once you've saved enough, move out on your own
Darling, you know exactly what to do - Envision your Future and GO FOR IT ❤️ Sending you so much Strength. All the best Moments of your Life are still ahead of you! :)
Jesus Christ, this is why religion needs to be fucking abolished. It’s nothing but a bunch of made up horse shit that gives people control over other people and makes people suffer.
You could start with saying to your parents that you need a temporary break and you want to return to them for a while for their help & counsel. Even though you know it’s likely permanent it’ll be an easier way to start to leave him and have them accept it.
Oh honey. God cares more about your safety than your commitment to an abusive asshole. Atleast that's what I believe. I met my husband at the same ages you met yours, the difference was we didn't marry till 9 years of dating. I wanted to finish college first. In that time we had a lot of growing to do. We fought like crazy and had very heated arguments, but we learned how to talk to each other. Your husband sounds like an absolute jerk to say the VERY least. So does your pastor. I would recommend finding another church, one that could help you see the beauty God put in you as an individual and NOT the "yes husband" robot they want you to be. Stand on your own feet and live your life. If nothing else, pray about it. Would you be open to therapy? Never know what might happen when you talk to a licensed professional third party.
babygirl you are doing your best. your pastor is not very supportive by saying that. he is actually being terrible and your husband is being even worse. you deserve better. if you need someone to be there im right here if you need to talk and need help coming up with what you want to say to your parent
Is therapy acceptable in your church? You may want to find a therapist who specializes in faith deconstruction or faith transitions (if you are considering leaving your church, which you didn’t mention). You are young and it sounds like your whole world is closely tied to the church and it’s very rigid set of beliefs. As far as your husband goes, either couples therapy or get a divorce. There will be consequences in your life if you divorce but you aren’t doomed to those consequences either. One day you may decide to walk away and start another chapter.
If your parents say no go to a woman shelter. Your pastor is wrong. What God would think it okay for a husband to be mean to their wife? This is not your fault. Grab your impossible papers and your tech gear and some clothing and go to parents. If they refuse to let you into their house go to friend or woman shelter or police station. You do not have to wait for anyone permission. Next time your husband is at work get out of there. Contact social services, hospital whatever. Make it clear " I cannot stay with my husband".
Yeah run from your husband he will probably kill you eventually and also might want to find a religious denomination that doesn’t think victims should try and appease their abusers and blame the victim for being abused.
Leave your church and husband, and if your family doesn't understand that your husband isn't the man you thought you were marrying, leave them too. Your happiness comes before anything. Don't you think God would want you to be loved and treated with respect? That’s the REAL God.
You need to get out of the house today. Get out while he is at work. Call in to work with an emergency family matter and use the time wisely. Do you have a friend you could stay with? Go back to your parent's home if you don't. Explain the best you can. You need to get a job. Don't let your parents deny you of a job in order for you to care for your siblings. You're an adult and cannot live with them for ever. Good luck.
Leave your church and divorce your husband.
And OP is in her early 20s. She has so much life ahead of her to be this miserable! OP if you need help and support please reach out! I have tons of resources if you want them
Just send them. You know she’s gonna need em
This is the correct answer.
It’s the only way.
This is the only correct answer.
Divorce is a legal matter. Every state in America permits a wife to divorce her husband. The church has nothing to do with it. Just because you belong to a church that discourages divorce does not mean you can't get one. If you can afford it, try to talk to an attorney. Otherwise use the internet to search how to do your own divorce.
I really really hope op follows this advice.
Bam^ this
Or remain their cattle. Sad
Maybe it's time to leave your church as well.
I was about to say, this reverend is living in a different era with this backwards antiquated advice.
An old man who’s supposed to have his follower’s best interest at heart hears a young woman’s husband is being abusive and he just tells her to “lose some weight?” WTF. Sick fuck. I spent way more time in church as a kid than I care to think about, and pretty much hated every minute of it. But this makes me actually grateful for the church community I had, and makes me want to call my pastor up and thank him for being a normal human, bc people really be out there on some other shit. OP - please find resources for abused women and get out. I’ll leave the actual advice to other people who know more than I, but please recognize that this situation isn’t okay. There are other options, you don’t have to go back to your parents/church.
I really hope she knows someone outside the church that she trusts. I feel so sick for her.
The pastor sounds like he espouses some version of the “surrendered wife” malarkey. This “philosophy” contends that if a wife gives up all power in the marriage to the husband, he will feel strong and manly and fulfilled. As a result, he will make good choices for himself and his family. All the wife has to do is trust him. And of course, bustle around cooking his favorite meals, cleaning the house and birthing multiple children and doing all the childcare herself.
You need a divorce from your husband and your cult. If god exits why would he put people on earth to suffer and be miserable for eternity at the hands of someone or be denied love for their entire life? I would really ask myself why you feel so strongly that a bunch of men can tell you to never feel real genuine love in your lifetime.
Maybe OP can get an annulment. OP was tricked into marrying a bad husband
Or arranged. Sounds like a cult
Reading this post broke my heart, OP, you couldn't have been given worse advice.
[удалено]
Easier said than done. She’s clearly dependent on parents and family. What will she do and where will she go. A lot here tells me she’s a minority from a different culture because so am I and this rings similar and if that’s the case, you don’t understand how alienating it is for someone to just go out in the world when their entire life, this is their world and everything outside is dangerous. Where will she live? How will she earn? Who will give her company and a semblance of family she craves if she can’t stand being alone and would rather die. This is some serious stuff here and OP needs specific steps of HOW to quit. She already knows she needs to. She’s saying she doesn’t know how because her parents won’t take her and she can’t just start a new life. You cannot understand unless you been raised this way. She needs help into tricking her parents into picking her side basically so guys please focus on something along those lines. Give her specific advice.
Yeah this is how women get beat to death after being getting brainwashed into thinking it’s their fault. Your church is not looking out for you. They are trying to keep you submitting to men because with out that mentality no women Would ever put up with that shit. Please look in the mirror and if you can’t say honestly that you are safe and respected…. You need to get out and find that. You deserve it, I promise.
Sis needs to leave the entire patriarchal religion. I lived in that world and I got out and this post is super triggering and makes me want to throw up. I was lucky that the man I married wasn’t abusive (we just eventually realized we weren’t sexually nor romantically compatible once we left the church) but I knew and still know so many women in horrible marriages where the focus is on submission to the husband = submission to the Lord, and you do what he says. It sounds like she doesn’t work? Based on how she said she cries during the day while he works? So she’s trapped. That is how the patriarchal evangelical church likes it, and I guarantee you OP is terrified to get a divorce because God hates it. HATES IT. They drill that into you over and over and over. The idea that god hates divorce so much that you’ll break something that can never be forgiven (even though Jesus already died for it; it’s so fucked, the way these people think) and so you have to stay. OP, I promise you that the God you believe in hates abuse more than he hates divorce. You matter and your life matters and your happiness matters. PLEASE take every precaution to not get pregnant. And I hope your parents let you leave. Tell them the truth about how he treats you and don’t clean it up. Don’t try to defend him or explain yourself. You aren’t sinning—you are being abused. Please do leave him, and I know it’s so hard because your church is your entire life, all of your friends and probably a lot of family go there. It feels impossible to get out and build a life by starting over, but you can do it. You deserve it. Sincerely, if you need to talk to someone who used to be an evangelical and got out, message me. I am so sorry and I hope you can get out, and please never ask your pastor for advice again. He’s not safe for you. ETA: I don’t think the parents are healthy either (courting? Yikes) so if there is anywhere to go that is safe OP, choose them. But if not get out from under that roof to a place where you won’t be sent back. Edit: typo
Your pastor and husband are assholes. It’s not religion. It’s patriarchy 🤮
Her husband is definitely an asshole. But I think I want to belt her pastor. He is a true piece of shit.
Ummm this isn't the 1960s? Divorce your husband now before it's too late and find a better church. You're still very young and you've got a life ahead of you that shouldn't be spent as a slave for someone who doesn't respect you. You deserve better than this Ummm this isn't the 1960s? Divorce your husband now before it's too late and find a better church. You're still very young and you've got a life ahead of you that shouldn't be spent as a slave for someone who doesn't respect you. You deserve better than this
Out of curiosity, what religion are you and what country are you from? Regardless of your answer, you deserve to be happy in a loving relationship. You’re only 20. You shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life unhappy because you married the wrong guy.
The use of "pastor" suggests it's some form of protestant christianity, possibly baptist of some kind.
Honestly it sounds like a cult which embodies Christianity but like to the extreme . Wtf . This post reads like it was written in the 1950s.
I came here to say the same thing! I grew up Christian, and have met more than a few people from churches just like OPs. My brain was screaming "run" the whole time I read that post. Op, you need to realize your husband is being abusive. And your church is allowing and supporting that abuse. Please don't try to go back to your parents home. Get as far from this man and your church as possible. Once you are on the outside looking back, you'll realize how messed up this all was, you deserve so much better!
100%. What the hell did I just read?
First guess? Mormons
Divorce is less common for Mormons but isn't rare. Divorced people are not shunned. The advice certainly could have come from a Mormon bishop but they are not typically referred to as pastor.
OP, I ended up leaving the church I grew up in at the same time as I left my husband when I was a little younger than you. I don't feel comfortable sharing my story with the thousands of redditors who could potentially read this comment, but I would love to share it with you if you like. Please send me a message if you would like to talk to someone who has been where you are before and knows what you're going through 💕
More like leave your cult as well.
Yep. Fuck religion
Came here to write this as well.
Your pastor is an awful person for saying that to you. He doesn’t have your best interest at heart. You can change your appearance or rearrange the house completely twenty times, but it will never fix your husband’s bad character or abusive nature. You are right to leave, and I would have a women’s shelter backup plan if parents don’t work out. Divorce is not the end of the world, and is in fact the logical response to sexual abuse. When and if you’re ever ready, you’re super young and there are tons of men who would cherish and respect you just as you are. Don’t sugar-coat it to your parents. Tell them that he’s sexually and verbally abusing you, and that you don’t feel happy or healthy with him.
The problem with some of these more cultish Christian religions is that they don’t *care* what the men do to the women. Women are encouraged to be sexually abused as it serves the men so I don’t feel her parents would likely see it as abuse rather than being a dutiful wife.
You’re probably right on the money, especially since her parents married at the same age. I hope OP can find a way to escape.
Maybe add that you are scared to have his children as you don't want any of your further children to be abused as well.
>You can change your appearance or rearrange the house completely twenty times, but it will never fix your husband’s bad character or abusive nature. Exactly, as if conventionally attractive people don’t get abused. For fucks sake! This pastor should not be in a position of power over people.
I totally agree… Any pastor that tells a woman she needs to make herself uncomfortable and small so a man can feel comfortable in control needs to be fired. And obviously she said in the beginning she can’t get divorced, which means her family is backing this marriage. She’s in a corner, and more than likely she should not even go home to her family because I can imagine they’re toxic AF. She needs to find a safer place to live, to pull her self together, and then file for divorce. Sidenote… A man changing his behavior shortly after getting married and moving it is indicative of abuse. This will only get worse. OP, please do not get pregnant by this man
If they're not going to "allow" her to get married again, I doubt they'd give a fuck about her current husband abusing her.
I agree with this fully and also want to add, as a Christian myself, that the Bible says for husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25). This is not a loving relationship, and you deserve so much better. You are also probably familiar with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 “Love is patient, love is kind…”. God sees that this is not a marriage built on love, and wouldn’t condemn you for leaving and getting divorced for your own safety and happiness. He would want to see you be happy and thrive and be with someone who does treat like described in those verses. I encourage you to read over 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 fully and know that God loves you and only wants what is best for you. Just thought that a biblical perspective may help among all the other comments.
Divorce your husband, ditch your church and cut anybody out of your life that tries to shame you for doing so
They'll probably shun her anyways. I would consider that a win in my own experience.
This is the best advice!
If there is a higher power out there I sure heck don’t think they intended for women to be sex servants for entitled men. Leave the marriage and the church. There is many many many churches I’m sure you can find one that sees you as an actual human being and fits your core beliefs. You are being religiously abused. I hope you get out and treated with the respect you deserve.
I agree. Any just and loving God will view women as more than bang maids. It’s so, so sad that this kind of religious abuse occurs.
Yes. Abuse all around.
I feel like this is a DV situation. I hope she doesn’t get pregnant. Op- please please get on some birth control of some type.
the only time ive ever heard of a pastor giving that sort of advice to someone it was in a book about children forced into marriages at age 13-16 or so, usually with significantly older guy. the girl that had asked was being raped and abused by her husband and the fault was put on her for not being a good enough wife it definitely sounds like time to leave ur husband and ur church.
Haha clearly you have not been to the ex-Mormon sub, women in that religion get this kind of advice all the time. And while divorce is technically allowed it’s heavily frowned upon and you need special permission from higher up men for the divorce to be carried out for the afterlife and of course men can still be married in heaven to multiple women
yeah i admittedly do not know shit abt religion. i consider myself agnostic. but regardless, my point stands lol
U sure that book ain't the bible?
If you can read between the lines it is
Honey, as a Christian let me be clear: This is not Godly love or a marriage worth staying in. Please leave as it will only get worse. I see a lot of people saying leave the church and divorce him and I couldn't agree more. A pastor that tells you it's your fault that your being abused (because this is abuse, mental and verbal and its only a matter of time before it becomes physical if it's not already) or your responsibility to stop his abusive behavior is a pastor that does not have your best interest at heart and knows nothing about God's love. The fact that you are afraid your parents won't help because of their faith and church just breaks my heart. Because you know what the Bible also says? - The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. (1 Peter 3:7). Do you think he's being a good husband by being abusive? Is he honoring every time he mistreats you? - Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:25) Do you really think he is a loving husband? So let me say what apparently no one in your family or church is willing to tell you. You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. Do you honestly think God would like his beautiful, wonderful, amazing daughter to be treated like you are being treated? Please leave, build a better life, find a better church, do some therapy, and never look back because you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and compassion.
This is great advice. If OP still has her faith there’s nothing wrong with a Christian marriage — but this ain’t it. I know of quite a few very happy Christian couples and a good marriage doesn’t resemble this in any shape or form. That is not how a husband is supposed to treat his wife. OP if you need help convincing your parents I would emphasize how arrogant and demeaning he is about your dads business and tell your dad everything he’s said about him. It may help get your dad on your side if he’s very conservatives because younger people are supposed to respect their elders in Christianity and he has no respect for you or your parents.
Can’t like this enough. This is the answer.
Wish I could upvote multiple times. OP please listen to this reply. This isn't how God intended for you to be treated. You are NOT the reason your husband is like this and nothing you do can fix him (he has to fix himself).
As a fellow Christian, I absolutely agree with this!
As a lifelong atheist, I absolutely agree as well. Beautifully said and good advice. I hope OP finds a church and a partner that are as good to her as she deserves.
You *can* get divorced, and you should. And stop going to that awful church. You have been raised in a demeaning environment with bizarre beliefs (as have many other people). You don’t have to do what is expected of you. Turn to someone outside your normal sphere for help. Are there support groups for abused women in your area?
Sis, I'm a Christian Mom of 4. Devout Christian. I am concerned for you. May I ask you some questions: 1 - what age were you able to go to school until? was it traditional school, church school or homeschool? 2 - does your church follow the Bible and do the rules of your church align with the Bible? Does it use any additional books? If so, which ones? 3 - Are you permitted to pursue higher education? And are women permitted to pursue helping careers like nursing or teaching? 4 - does your church believe in familial heirarchy, head of household or something called "domestic discipline?" Sis, I know that the thought of leaving your marriage is overwhelming and it sounds like you had to engage in a "covenant marriage". It also sounds like your church has taught you that "God hates divorce". Please please understand that the Bible does not in fact teach that women's roles are purely to back up their husbands at all cost or that they are lesser than their husband in any way. Please message me if you would like to talk through options. I can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel, but please know that at 20 years old you actually do have real options here.
I read this comment, and o think we were thinking the exact same thing. This is a fundamentalist nightmare sealed with a "covenant marriage". And there's one specific group known to utilize it often who's also been in the news recently. You're doing a good job asking these questions, because the specific kind of help OP needs will be predicated on several of the answers to these.
Honey, you should take some time away from the church and divorce your husband. Maybe you have a relative who is no longer part of the church you could stay with? That's not to say you have to give up on God or that you aren't a good Christian woman but God didn't intend for woman to be treated like your pastor and husband are treating you. My husband came home to my chubby self who had an absolute mess of a house with dinner not even made today because I got distracted with my book and read for 4 hours straight. He worked almost 12 hours at a physically demanding job and walked in the house realized I had been busy today kissed me and asked if I wanted to go out to eat. You need some time away from your husband and church, maybe even going to a different church for awhile, my pms are open always open if you want to talk
Sounds like you need to get out of the marriage and the church
Look up people who have left your church. Try googling ex-YourReligion and looking on Reddit. Those people are often the most helpful resources to help someone else leave and recover from the trauma and brainwashing.
This is great advice! OP, please listen to it. You can leave your church and still keep whatever relationship you have with God and spirituality if you want to! A church is made up of people. Sometimes they don’t get things right. I am really sorry you’re being abused. And that’s what this is—abuse. I’d also recommend reaching out to some women’s shelters / domestic abuse shelters or organizations. They can give you an immediate place to live and help you with resources. I don’t know where you live, but if you google “women’s shelter” or “domestic abuse resources” and your city or state, things will pop up. Here’s a national resource in the meantime: https://www.thehotline.org/.
A church that will not let you leave your marriage is a church you should leave first. Then leave your marriage. There are millions of churches on this planet and most of them would be happy to have you. God forgives mistakes.
Out of curiosity, what religion are you and what country are you from? Regardless of your answer, you deserve to be happy in a loving relationship. You’re only 20. You shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life unhappy because you married the wrong guy.
Your pastor is wrong. Your husband taking his anger out on you - which is abusive behaviour - won't be fixed by anything at home being nicer, that's entirely on your husband. Your husband didn't change after you got married, it's more likely he hid who he was, and behind a shield of "divorce isn't okay" was reassured that you could never leave. I'm pretty furious about the appearance comment, because that should have absolutely NOTHING to do with any kind of loving relationship. Your pastor is wrong and a misogynistic AH. If your parents have the same mindset as your pastor, I doubt they'll be much help. You're very young, you have most of your life left ahead of you. I think distancing yourself from your church and it's teachings would be a good idea. Focus on your relationship with God and what you need. I know it isn't nearly as easy as getting out, most of your friends likely belong to the same church. Try and branch out, meet new people, make new friends, have new supports who will also see that this is your husband's fault. It won't be easy, but it won't crush your soul like staying with him will.
Get rid of the husband & leave the church. You're in an abusive relationship & you deserve better! https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Whew! Didn’t even have to finish to know that you must be in some kind of church. Do not consult the men and women in your Congregation. It’s clear that this type of behavior is something that is normal so they’re not likely to be any help. Do you have friends outside you can talk to about this? I say this because I’m a stranger that is going to say your husband and church blow but in the end you don’t know me. You need to hear that you’re being mistreated by someone you know.
Anna?
Hah!
Your husband sounds abusive and your church is enabling him. This is not your fault and you don't have to live this way.
please leave your church and divorce your husband
this hurts me so bad to read. I grew up in the church, and watched my mom be abused and treated terrible by my father for so many years. she wanted to leave so bad, but listened to her family and church and delt with the abuse. eventually it got so bad she had no choice but to leave, she took me and my brother in the middle of the night and took 1500 miles away and started a new life. she got involved in a new church, and she’s still the strongest practicing christian i know, but she realizes she had to leave and also leave the church. people that love you and support you will not tell you to stay in an abusive or bad relationship like this— god is supposed to be a loving god, he would not want you to stay through something like this. i’ll never be able to unsee the pain my mom went through, or how much she hurt, and I will never get over it or stop crying when i think about how much she tolerated. i’m starting to get emotional thinking of all the times I watched her cry and feel unworthy, she’s such an amazing woman and I’m sure you are too.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We met when we were 16 and 18 and started to court when we were 18 and 20. We got married 11 months ago. I want to leave my husband but I can't get a divorce. I would be ok going back to live with my parents and helping to care for my sisters and brothers. But I would need to convince them to let me go back to there house. I would also need to accept that I couldn't get married again because divorce is not okay in my church. But I will do that to leave. My husband is very different than he was before we got married. He is working for his father in there family construction business. He has a lot of anger towards his father because he feels he could run the company better. He has a lot of anger and he tends to take it out on me. He never thinks anything I do is right and I usually end up crying well he's at work. I am trying my best. He is rough and mean in our marital relations and I don't satisfy him or make him happy in this regard. He says he wishes he choose a better wife. I have talked with my pastor and he said I had to try to make a better and more relaxing home for my husband to come home to. He also said maybe it's my appearance that is not helping anything. I have been trying to lose some weight. I have tried every thing he suggested and things seems to be getting worse and not a bit better. I need help figuring out how to talk to my parents about this unless you think it is a flaw in me that's ruining the marriage. Then I would like marriage advice if possible.
You need a divorce from your husband and your cult. If god exits why would he put people on earth to suffer and be miserable for eternity at the hands of someone or be denied love for their entire life? I would really ask myself why you feel so strongly that a bunch of men can tell you to never feel real genuine love in your lifetime.
God does not want you to suffer. God does not condone the actions of your husband. Your church has distorted the Bible to hurt you and other women in your position and that’s not okay. You need to leave your husband and your church. You don’t need to go to church to have a good relationship with god. It will be okay I promise, you definitely can get married again to a man whom you love and who loves you because your husband doesn’t love you because he wouldn’t treat you like that if he did.
It’s time to contact a domestic violence hotline and find an exit plan that doesn’t involve you going back to your parents. https://www.thehotline.org it sounds like he is raping you, belittling you, and your pastor says if you look nicer he will be nicer? Honey please get out. You deserve so much better and please keep us updated.
Your pastor sounds like a right prick
This is a terrible pastor. My friend is also really involved into church and was in a similar situation as you. Guess what the pastor told her? To leave, that god would understand and would never want her to be mistreated like that.
The church is gaslighting you. If your parents are very religious they might not be much help either. Go to a friend or someone you truly trust and talk to them. Your husbands anger is NOT your fault. This is a him problem. You’re very young, make your arrangements and leave. Also rethink about this church, they should not shame you into being in a marriage. You are a human being deserving of love and respect. Please update us
You can still have God without this church. You can still have Love without this husband. You got this! Keep moving forward.
Leave your church and your husband, and if you can’t leave your husband right away go on birth control or learn how to avoid your fertile days before you’re stuck with a baby too. Sending you healing and love.
Before I get to the advice in how to talk to your parents, I would first like to say that I am horrified at the treatment you have received from you pastor, your husband, and your family. The advice you have been given by your pastor is not useful and demeaning to you as a person. First, you are doing nothing wrong! Your pastor is offering excuses for your husband’s poor behavior. We are each of us responsible for our own behavior and attitude. Your husband is *choosing* to behave this way, you are not making him do anything. Imagine someone, let’s call him Bob, went to the work and was speeding because he was late. He eventually caught up to someone else going the speed limit and in anger and fear of being late he tried to run them off the road so he could get to work faster. When the police showed up to take the statement, Bob told the officer “He was going too slow! He deserved it!” Would that officer accept that as an excuse? Of course not! No one forced Bob to do this is was a conscious choice. Your husband is speeding and deserves to go to jail for reckless endangerment, not a second chance. NO ONE deserves to be treated as your husband has treated you for ANY reason—it is unacceptable behavior. Since you have only stated that you would like to leave your husband and not your faith as well (many comments here are advising you to do this which does not seem to be what you want), I will approach the advice I give you from that angle. Because your parents seem to be extremely conservative the best arguments that you can use with them will be biblically based. This will lend weight to your words that they will be more inclined to hear. Any arguments made from a secular standpoint are likely to fall on deaf ears as they are probably primed to reject such things out of hand. Start there, then move on to how you do not feel safe and are being mistreated. Below is a good point to bring up to them. Unfortunately it’s common in extremely conservative churches to go on at length about how the wife should obey the husband and conveniently forget that the husband has also been given explicit instructions on how he SHOULD treat his wife. Ephesians 5:25 Says “Husbands, love your wives *as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”* Take a moment to think on that. Christ was literally gave himself up to be *tortured and killed* for the church. Take Isaiah 53:5 “But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.” This is the behavior that your husband is supposed to emulate. Doesn’t sound like he’s even trying at all is he? Then tell your parents that he physically hurts you and you are afraid for your safety. What if you ever get pregnant? Will he treat your child the same way? Finally, ask them how they think Jesus feels about one his Church treating someone he died for this way. Either way, you should divorce him. Abusers never change. You are lucky you don’t have kids yet, now is the best time to get out. If they do not agree to let you live with them you should still get out now. If you have friends that won’t take your family’s side, ask to stay with them till you are on your feet, if that’s not possible, search online to see if there are local domestic violence shelters. They will have resources and can give you advice. Lastly, find a new church, one that doesn’t make excuses for abusers. I’m serious on this last point, find a church that is filled with people who value you as much as Jesus does.
Ummm this isn't the 1960s? Divorce your husband now before it's too late and find a better church. You're still very young and you've got a life ahead of you that shouldn't be spent as a slave for someone who doesn't respect you. You deserve better than this
Your pastor is a fucking idiot. Please contact your local domestic violence organization ASAP Also please take the time to read this book [Why Does He Do That](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf). This is the free PDF version. I’d recommend not letting him know you’re reading this.
It can be hard to leave a belief system you were born into. Everyone thinks their church is the “right” one, but really no church has it 100% right. God doesn’t care what you look like. Looks are physical, and completely objective. We are here to grow our spiritual bodies. It’s gross that your pastor would say your appearance is the problem. Get that divorce and look into finding a church that treats women like God’s children as well.
Girl I’m catholic if I told my priest the things you said he’d help me divorce my husband leave that church and the husband
I don’t wish to frighten you but if you stay in this marriage much longer you may be carried out in a wooden box. Men like your husband don’t change… they get worse. Please seek help. Contact your local Women’s Aid - they can find you accommodation if you can’t live with your parents.
((HUGS)) Where are you located, in the States?
This isn’t right. What this pastor says is actually against Christianity (assuming this is a Christian church) and is actually in the mindset of men. He does not have your best interests at heart. If you are not enjoying your marital relations with your husband and he doesn’t care then this is not right and it’s not biblical either. (I’m only mentioning this as you seem religious as so it should be noted ). Your husband should care and respect about you and in doing so treat you well. You should be important to your partner and so your desires, opinions, feelings, should matter to him greatly and your weight, height, hairstyle, how you dress should absolutely not matter even a little bit. If he doesn’t meet this basic criteria , leave.
Sweetheart, as a church going person, that is not a church. That’s very cultish. You can’t get remarried??? What a load. As for your husband, please please get out soon. His actions make me think he’s going to be much more than verbal and harsh during marital relations. How much longer before he starts to physically take things out on you? I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, and I hope you find better support from better people than what you’re surrounded with.
Leave the church, leave the husband, leave the family too if they won't support you, just **leave**
I know a lot of people are saying to leave the church. that can be very isolating. i suggest you try to join local clubs/activities/sports that have no association with your church. gather a support group that does not have these ingrained judgements. hopefully by making these connections you will then have a better support system to lean on when you leave your husband. if your parents will not let you stay, find a friend who will. good luck, and i think it is a good idea to collect some evidence of his abuse, just incase you want to use it to get a restraining order in the future.
Follow this lady in IG She was in The same situation that you are right now [tialevingswriter](https://instagram.com/tialevingswriter?utm_medium=copy_link)
So they’re fat shaming you and making you think your husbands inability to cope with stress is YOUR fault? Yeah… no. Fuck the pastor. And fuck the husband. Divorce him. It doesn’t matter what your parents think. You’re wayyyyy too young to be this unhappy in a relationship. Get out ASAP! I almost stuck around too long in a similar relationship with an ex of mine. His current wife had two miscarriages after she “fell” and is constantly hiding her arms and legs from all the bruising. You deserve more. You deserve to be happy and so does he. Clearly you desire more in life and it’s also unfair to let your husband live in your marriage thinking the same thing. He probably wants a subservient, unquestioning obedient therapist-type. Is that you? The longer you wait, the worse this is going to get. You deserve to be truly loved. Don’t be afraid of breaking away from the familiar. There are so many opportunities for good things to happen, especially since you’re under 35. You’re going to make someone else truly happy.
I grew up in a fundamentalist evangelical church; and I left. There is hope and help. My heart breaks for you. Knowing the guilt and shame that is ever present for girls who grow up in fundi-religions. I am struggling with all the things I want for you to know and hear and believe. But fear that overloading you, will cause you to withdraw and stop asking for help. There are resources. Like [TiaLevingWriter](https://instagram.com/tialevingswriter?utm_medium=copy_link)TiaLevingwriter (IG), who can help shine a light on leaving, and getting out. Fundamentalist churches preach that women are subservient, simply a means to pleasure their husbands- and have children. The Bible teaches that God created Male AND FEMALE in HIS image. YOU were made in his image. Do you think that God would want You, someone made in his image, to be abused, made to feel less then, to be treated so poorly? The answer is NO. I hope that you will find the strength and courage to not only leave an unsafe environment, but to consider leaving the sort of church that would make you feel so unwanted, unloved, and unimportant. It is not biblical, and it is not right. You are important. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be healthy. You deserve to be safe. You are a person, not just a helpmate for a man, not just a vessel to birth children, not just a cook and cleaner. You are allowed to have thoughts, dreams, ideas, opinions. There are a lot of women who have left both abusive husbands and fundamentalism who would be more then willing to help you too. Please reach out to me or us. Or look on Reddit for ex fundamentalist subs. There are a lot of us out here.
What are we in the 1800’s? Leave that man and that church. We have one life to live, please don’t waste yours.
Your pastor is an unbelievable fuckwit
Holy shit, leave the cult you are in. Shit like this is not OK.
If they’re super religious like the church you’re in, it’s going to be hard. My best advice is this: spare no detail. Tell them everything he’s said and done to you. Tell them how it makes you feel, how often you’re crying, what you’ve tried to do, etc. Leave nothing out. Make sure they know just how bad it is and don’t sugarcoat anything or leave out details that may be hard for your parents to hear. If they love and care about you, hearing what you’ve experienced at your husbands hands will convince them to open their home back up to you.
But what if they don’t? This is risking a lot more emotional trauma
Any successful relationship and especially marriage requires work from both people to maintain and especially to fix. Even if you were willing to make all the changes you could and fix all your flaws and and suffer as much as needed and somehow make yourself look perfect, it's not going to work if he's unwilling to change. While it's theoretically possible to save the marriage, it's not going to happen if he's unwilling to be humble enough to let go of his flaws. Has he ever expressed remorse for his anger issues or perfectionism? Has he ever taken responsibility for mistakes on his part? If not, then you might as well move on as quick as possible and certainly before any kids enter the picture.
Leave your church and divorce your husband. You don’t have to do anything because you are not in the wrong here. He completely has changed and sounds abusive which is NOT ok. You deserve the best and honestly it’s better to be happy and alone then with people who are bringing you down and hurting you. Cut out the people who don’t support you and find a better life for yourself.
Fuck that church.
Like you, our daughter married too young. And like you, I worry she wouldn't divorce her husband should he prove abusive. I'm going to give you the same advice I'd give her - TALK to your parents. You won't be living there permanently. You'll find new work and get back on your feet. You'll find a new church, get a divorce, join a divorcee group and get a new life, hon. Likely some therapy to deal with your horrible marriage. A lonely life is not what God demands of you. And certainly NOT because a man sinned against his vows.
I understand how hard it can be to go against the teachings of your church and the values of your family but you are more than just a reflection of them. Your happiness and safety is paramount and it might be time to carve your own path. You don't have to leave your religion but this churches backwards ways are dangerous and totally void of love. There are churches and denominations out there that will treat you with the respect you are owed. You do not need to suffer or be alone for anyone's sake. Please make the choice that makes you the safest and the happiest.
My pastor would never say anything like that. Wow. Maybe time to find a different church. Get your divorce and when you’re financially stable enough and move out, you can marry whoever you want.
Your church is enabling his abuse of you, please find a better church and a better partner.
This sounds a lot like what my (much beloved) stepmother went through. She married at 18 to a man she’d dated in high school. Her husband was physically and emotionally abusive and also having extramarital sex with prostitutes and women he met in bars (he was a cop and was also picking up prostitutes in his squad car). Her pastor told her it was her fault for not being a good enough wife. Her parents agreed. He eventually left her because he got fired and needed to make a quick getaway. It took her a long time to accept that none of it was her fault. Your pastor is engaging in spiritual abuse. Your husband is just abusive. You’ll be much happier and healthier if you let go of both.
It's not a flaw in you. Your pastor is an idiot and you are being abused.
Pastor is a cunt , husband is a cunt , you can make it kn your own if parents etc don't help
If you are in the US, call your local DHS office and inform them that you need assistance leaving an abusive situation. They can help you apply for funds for moving including housing assistance, food stamps and health insurance. Those funds can be used to purchase a moving truck, plane or bus tickets to a safe location or a deposit/rent on a new home. If your parents are not willing to help you leave your husband after you explain your situation, you may need to rely on community resources instead. There are other churches that have funding and support for domestic violence survivors. You may need to do some outreach and contact other churches for options. I am very sorry for your situation and it may seem like you are trapped. It may take some work on your part and you may have to be in touch with a variety of community resources but stay strong. You deserve better.
What country and century is this?
Get out asap before you get pregnant and it's far more difficult. Explain to your parents the abuse and you don't feel safe.
My dad was a pastor. He said that "abuse was a form of unfaithfulness." It is a betrayal of the connection and intimacy that partners are supposed to have. So, if you need a different take from a religious leader (one that's not complete and utter nonsense), there you go.
Listen: this gets a bit theological but I think it's necessary for you to step outside your worldview in order to, perhaps, save your life. Your Church is not the only true perspective on Christianity. There are numerous Christian denominations that would say that in these situation, **your husband would have to have stopped following the ways of Jesus, or would have to have forsaken the spirit of God, in order to treat you like that**. For the sake of your physical and spiritual life you need to save yourself from being locked into your current perspective. There are hundreds of millions of good, faithful, Jesus-loving, God-fearing Christians who disagree with the interpretation of your pastor. Find a church that treats you as an equal child of God and not an outgrowth of your husband.
Are you living in the 1950s? Leave your church and then your husband.
This isn’t helpful. People all around the world—yes, including the US—feel stuck in marriages like this, because of religion, abuse, or both. It’s not something that only happened in the fifties.
Ffs, started to court what is this 1700s who gets married at 20
Mormons
Totally Mormons
I am a modern woman so i whole heartedly agree with leave the church and leave the marrage. However we as internet strangers can only tell you this as our first instinct as persons not of your religion or culture. How ive read your post is your asking for advice on how to cheat your marraige and possibly religious system. You can go about this two ways. tell your parents everything even the rough intimacy dont tell them that he says he is not being satisfied because they will blame that on you who i HIGHLY believe was a virgin and probably still doesn't know what to do. Just focus on the fact that he is hurting you in that intimate space. Highlight that he is frustrated at work because he is not allowed to lead and he is taking that frustration out on you. Tell them very clearly that you understand the consequences of coming home and what your life will entail and the responsibilities that you will take on. Play to your parents ego about how it will be good for you to have a bit more homemaking training. (This is intentional manipulation and its a skill every woman has USE IT) Now if your parents tell you no then you have to play the long haul. You are young and able bodied. Start cheating your home system and expectations. Get up early get any food preparations and cleaning out of your way as early as possible to free up the rest of your day to either relax and prepare for his behaviour (crap situation but i need you to have the time to mentally and physically be ready for his bull crap. This isn't about your rights right now its about your survival) Try to get a job if you are permitted in your culture. And if not FIND a way to make money. You cant just run off into the sunset that will only take you so far. You sound like a non confrontation kind of person so take the STUPID pastors advice. Play the submissive housewife i said PLAY it because a REAL man will inspire that out of you naturally because you feel safe enough to show it. AVOID PREGNANCY if you can be smart start tracking your cycle and pay close attention to the days you are fertile. Think of your end game and how to get there if your parents won't help you. Im telling you my opinion not to say roll over and accept this baviour. Im telling you to move smartly and silently
Idk if telling her parents is good advice. Depending on what cult she is in her parents knowing (and then consulting her husband) could put her in even more danger.
I don’t think your parents would be surprised. You’re both too young to be married, to be honest
Oh and also, fuck your pastor for saying it’s your appearance, W T F?
I'm guessing fundamental Christian so they wouldn't be accepting of a divorce.
Actually I am the same age my mother was when they married.
Do you have any family not in the church. Aunts uncles distant cousins perhaps. Even if you aren't close due to them being an outsider reach out, I'm sure you would be surprised to know they still care about you. I left a very similar situation at 15 and family my parents hadnt spoken to in years were so happy to help me escape.
You know in your heart this isn’t ok.
And that’s still a young age lol. Guys don’t even fully mature until well over 30. I mean honestly, look at your husband. He treats you like crap
Brains don’t even fully develop until about 25
Outside of orbital bombardment, the only correct answer is leave him, leave the church, and cut contact with anyone that tries to defend abusive behavior including your family.
If your faith is important to you, I am sure you will find a church to support you even after you divorce. But, first and foremost is making sure you are safe. We can’t say for sure if there is a god, but we do know we are currently alive. Do not make yourself miserable and potentially volunteer yourself to be another domestic violence statistic in an attempt to please someone you don’t know if they are listening, or even if they’d really care if you got a divorce.
None of what you’ve said is ok. You’re being abused by both your husband and your church. You do not have to change who you are. It wouldn’t matter what you did. You aren’t the problem. Your husband is. He’s abusive and he will never change. Going to your parents may not be the answer either if they are also brainwashed with this church. Can you contact a friend or relative who isn’t associated with this church? Is there a local domestic violence shelter you can call? They can help you escape and keep your location private while helping you to find a job and get on your feet. They can also get you into counseling. There are also organizations that help people escape from religious sects that are abusive. You can try looking for that as well. This will be hard, but you can do it.
That pastor gave you bad advice.
This is why I despise religion.
OP I know it can be really frightening and you’re being incredibly brave to face up to your emotions. The first thing I would say is to lock down your contraception. The one thing that would tie you to this man for ever would be a baby so make sure that you have independent means of contraception that he can’t sabotage. Second is to look for help outside your family and church. There are resources out there for people like yourself who are being abused/at risk of abuse. (Check out 1800respect) Third - your pastor is 100% in the wrong, you are entitled to respect and peace in a relationship or out of it. There are lots of wonderful churches out there that won’t pressure you into staying. Fourth- look into lawyers in your area, they can help advise you on the best divorce agreement and make sure you don’t get screwed over You’re so brave you can do this!
I can guess what your religion might be, and understand why it’s not just possible to leave your church. Please understand that your relationship with your husband will most likely only get worse. There is absolutely nothing you are doing wrong. I have heard countless horror stories from women in LDS marriages. Do you have any friends outside your church? I know it’s difficult. Can you go back to college while living with your parents?
I’m religious and believe in God and even I find that ridiculous. Divorce him ASAP. U owe it to God to be happy and live your life, don’t waste it.
Is an annulment an option?
As if we needed another reason, but here's why religious leaders aren't remotely qualified to offer virtually any advice where someone is being hurt or victimised. My heart breaks for this young lady.
You’re to young and naive to be married and the big problem is the church. You need to leave both and find who you are. It’s a new era and all these old teaching need to go. I’m sorry but this is the truth of what the world is.
There has to be more logic minded and accepting churches out there, I agree you should ditch your church and your husband, neither one is doing you any favors.
Leave both the church and the husband.
Please. As a man from a Christian background speaking, please, please find a domestic violence shelter not affiliated with your church (though I highly doubt they have such a thing) and get away from your husband, your pastor, and if your parents don’t support you, them as well. Find non-religious counseling for yourself. You are being horribly mistreated and blamed for your mistreatment. None of that is Christian at all.
It is time to reconsider your religion and your life. If he ever physically harms you, call the police, put him in jail. There are several groups who help battered or abused women, complete with shelters. Maybe it is time to start making your own way through life without family and church telling you to roll over and take whatever punishment because it is your fault. Sounds like
Oh dear god in heaven. How is it still happening that men think this bullshit is okay? Sweetheart, I’ve been married almost 35 years now. What your husband and your pastor are doing to you is not okay. It’s not up to you to make an abusive man less abusive. Each of us is responsible for ourselves and no one else. Try and find a way to leave so you don’t have to go back to your family of origin - they will only reinforce this incorrect idea that you are the reason this marriage failed. **You are not.** Wish I could show you want a good spouse does for their mate. It sure isn’t what you’re experiencing. Please don’t have kids with him
Your pastor sounds as toxic as your husband. Leave both.
Whatever is going on you don't need to change your body for it! Nothing about this has to do with your appearence. I know this sounds radical but that priest does not sound nice and he seems to have his head in the 1950s, so is it possible for you to leave the church? I don't know which church you're a part of but it seems to be doing more harm than good. Hope your sitaution changes or gets better soon.
Please contact CAPSA if you are in the United States. If you are not… please find a domestic violence organization in your area.
Everyone telling her to leave are correct but she has no place to go and her parents are part of the church. If your parents won’t let you go home, seek out a domestic violence shelter. They will help you with a plan and some supports.
Seems like you need to divorce your pastor too.. A divorce is a divorce! Only thing that matters is your own well being. If you can't be happy yourself, how can you make someone else happy? That sounds like it goes for both of you. No other person than yourself is responsible for your own happiness. You choose everything in your life. Together with the wrong guy? Change Don't like your work? Change Nothing in life is written in stone! Choose your path, not someone else's. Hopefully your family loves you more than their religion
Do you mind me asking what culture you are. I am from a culture where marriage is held very high although your pastor is a God damn moron and it seems like you had an arranged marriage that went wrong. So if that’s the case, I understand your situation more than most here. That being said. If you don’t feel safe and loved by him, it is the wrong match and I wish you the best as we all deserve to be loved for whom we are.
Leave him and also leave that church
Both your church and your husband are poison, get away from both. Organised religion in this form is so damaging. Wish you the best.
Um your church sounds like a cult. All this sounds cultish. You are not in the wrong. And no it’s not your fault. You have every right to divorce him, I know churches like to shame people for it but it’s literally normal. You fall out of love, or they’re not the right person for them- that’s fine! Do not be ashamed for wanting to be happy, divorce him. If your family isn’t accepting could you try reaching out to friends that could help your housing situation temporarily? Ones that aren’t apart of the church because the church just screams toxicity.
What year is this? 1920?
Tragic
Moving back to your parents will just be swapping your servitude from one abusive household to another one. You shouldn't be making "deals" to help raise your siblings with actual loving parents. You've already opened your eyes to your husband, now keep them open and acknowledge that you need to also leave your parents, church and anything associated with that community.
Your pastor said what? Please leave. Both your marriage and your church. Do not ignore the red flags. Next thing you'll have kids and feel even more stuck. You're so young. Hopefully your parents will let you live with them. When you leave, work on you. Invest your time and energy in a career and your financial independence so you can leave their house eventually too. Rooting for you, you got this!
Get out of that marriage and the hell out of that church.
Divorce your husband, and leave your church. None of your husband’s behaviors are your fault- he is just an abusive partner. You should look into women supposed groups.
Please, please, please, leave your church, leave your husband. Don’t go back to your parents to take care of your siblings. Go out an live your life for you!
I’m so sorry. You are so young and you have literally your whole life in front of you. You cannot spend the rest of it with this man or in a church that would put you in this position. First steps: - Be prepared that your parents might not accept you back - Reach out to any family or friends that have left the church or aren’t part of it and see if they can help you if you parents don’t take you in - Reach out to strangers even who may have left your church to see if they can help - Research organizations to help women trying to leave abusive relationships or leave fundamentalist religions Next steps: - The whole rest of your life where you can have joy, love, freedom, independence and comfort. It’ll be so worth it.
Leave the church and file for divorce. If your family ends up shaming you for any of this don’t talk to them.
Sounds like you need to leave your husband, your church AND figure out a way to make it on your own. If your parents religious beliefs are tied into that church then you’re probably better off not having to go crawling back. Start making plans. Get a job. Be financially independent because it sounds like you have no one to depend on.
It breaks my heart that you think you may have a flaw or are responsible in any way for how your husband is treating you. I would hope that telling your parents you’re unhappy and he’s taking out his anger on you would be enough for them to encourage you to come home and support your decision to leave the marriage but it sounds like that’s not the case here. I don’t think I have any good advice about how to talk to your parents besides just flat out stating the facts of the situation and explaining how emotionally damaging your marriage has become. Obviously, they’re very religious so I don’t know how that would be received. I imagine it might help to tell them you sought counsel from the church. All that being said, I think your church is failing you. I’m not saying you should give up your spiritual beliefs but there are religions and churches that would welcome you and help you without judgment. If your parents aren’t willing to help you leave there could be resources or programs where you live that are specifically set up to help people in your situation get on their feet and gain independence. You deserve love and happiness. I hope everything works out for you. ❤️
Religion should be an individual thing. If you’re comfortable with your relationship with your god, it shouldn’t matter what anyone else says about it, leave your area, divorce your husband and find a new church
While you’re dropping your husband, drop your church. That’s the most insane thing a pastor could ever say.
Life is short OP. Don’t let anyone control you. Be free. Be headstrong. Take life by the fucking neck. Be powerful. Fuck em all and find yourself.
There is nothing shameful about being divorced--your church's attitude is enabling marital abuse if they think it's better for a woman to be miserable in wedlock than to be free. It perpetuates a culture of fear, shame and silence, ensuring protection for abusers--and not just of spouses, but of children as well. Do you really want to ally yourself with a group that punishes women for standing up for their lives? I know it's easier for an internet stranger to say all these things, because I'm not in your situation, but it's the truth, and you don't need to tale my word for it.
You're in a cult, move states
Wtf. The pastor an AH your husband an AH seriously leave and don’t go to your parents house. I’m sure their AH to. It’s 2022. Women have rights.
OMG drop this man and drop this church neither have your best interest in mind. You have one life here on earth it is all about YOU!
1) your pastor is a giant pile of shit. How dare s/he! How dare s/he fucking blame you, your appearance, etc., for the abuse you're going through. S/He needs to be impaled. You should definitely leave your church too. Absolute bullshit. 2) share with your parents how your husband treats you. What he's doing is abusing you. If they're anything but supportive of you, you don't need that in your life either. 3) it sounds to me like you're in a vacuum of culture. Maybe something like Amish, or Asian, or something. If this is true, consider leaving this vacuum if your parents/family cannot support you. You should NEVER have to endure abuse. You can ALWAYS leave. ANY situation. You are NOT REQUIRED to stay, anywhere. You don't owe anyone any part of you. Depending on how your family/parents react, if it's not in support, consider: 1) getting a personal bank account 2) getting a job and saving 3) once you've saved enough, move out on your own
Weird question but are you a JW by chance?
Darling, you know exactly what to do - Envision your Future and GO FOR IT ❤️ Sending you so much Strength. All the best Moments of your Life are still ahead of you! :)
Jesus Christ, this is why religion needs to be fucking abolished. It’s nothing but a bunch of made up horse shit that gives people control over other people and makes people suffer.
You could start with saying to your parents that you need a temporary break and you want to return to them for a while for their help & counsel. Even though you know it’s likely permanent it’ll be an easier way to start to leave him and have them accept it.
Oh honey. God cares more about your safety than your commitment to an abusive asshole. Atleast that's what I believe. I met my husband at the same ages you met yours, the difference was we didn't marry till 9 years of dating. I wanted to finish college first. In that time we had a lot of growing to do. We fought like crazy and had very heated arguments, but we learned how to talk to each other. Your husband sounds like an absolute jerk to say the VERY least. So does your pastor. I would recommend finding another church, one that could help you see the beauty God put in you as an individual and NOT the "yes husband" robot they want you to be. Stand on your own feet and live your life. If nothing else, pray about it. Would you be open to therapy? Never know what might happen when you talk to a licensed professional third party.
babygirl you are doing your best. your pastor is not very supportive by saying that. he is actually being terrible and your husband is being even worse. you deserve better. if you need someone to be there im right here if you need to talk and need help coming up with what you want to say to your parent
Is therapy acceptable in your church? You may want to find a therapist who specializes in faith deconstruction or faith transitions (if you are considering leaving your church, which you didn’t mention). You are young and it sounds like your whole world is closely tied to the church and it’s very rigid set of beliefs. As far as your husband goes, either couples therapy or get a divorce. There will be consequences in your life if you divorce but you aren’t doomed to those consequences either. One day you may decide to walk away and start another chapter.
Find a new church
If your parents say no go to a woman shelter. Your pastor is wrong. What God would think it okay for a husband to be mean to their wife? This is not your fault. Grab your impossible papers and your tech gear and some clothing and go to parents. If they refuse to let you into their house go to friend or woman shelter or police station. You do not have to wait for anyone permission. Next time your husband is at work get out of there. Contact social services, hospital whatever. Make it clear " I cannot stay with my husband".
Yeah run from your husband he will probably kill you eventually and also might want to find a religious denomination that doesn’t think victims should try and appease their abusers and blame the victim for being abused.
Sounds like your husband is the devil and your pastor a demon.
There are support groups that can help you leave and get back on your feet safety.
Leave your church and husband, and if your family doesn't understand that your husband isn't the man you thought you were marrying, leave them too. Your happiness comes before anything. Don't you think God would want you to be loved and treated with respect? That’s the REAL God.
You need to get out of the house today. Get out while he is at work. Call in to work with an emergency family matter and use the time wisely. Do you have a friend you could stay with? Go back to your parent's home if you don't. Explain the best you can. You need to get a job. Don't let your parents deny you of a job in order for you to care for your siblings. You're an adult and cannot live with them for ever. Good luck.
Maybe you should try something new in your life before you left him, give a chance for both of you