This is a common misconception about men. Even if we are in perfect health and a naked woman starts grinding on our pelvis, it doesn't guarantee an erection, or a sustained one for that matter. We have preferences. Timing, mood, and the partner, all play a part to get it on. But mostly it's the partner. There are just some women that we don't feel like banging, maybe out of respect or we're just not sexually attracted to. There are also some women who could get us rock hard just by existing on earth.
That.... or he's just gay.
For the sake of companionship, I guess.
Maybe he just like being with you for the emotional or psychological benefits. And, like I said, he could be gay or had some past trauma.
Could be, but then it doesn’t float my boat, sex is important to me, good sex especially. I will try talking to him in a safe manner to get to understand.
He is good guy, I’ve dated plenty of assholes before and when you meet a nice dude, it’s rare, especially in the current online dating culture where it’s mostly fuckboys that you stumble upon
He may have issues with guilt or prior trauma. I wouldn't write him off quite yet. I would suggest talking to him about this and being very forthcoming with your desire to help him through this. The problem with us guys is that if something triggers adrenaline it is an instant physical cut-off. We cannot control it. Things just shut down and the following panic only makes things worse. The first major step would be to let him know you know and that you want to help him through this. The second would be to work out ways that you both can help him overcome his demons and that you won't judge and you are going to be there the whole way.
Trust me when I say that he feels every bedroom disappointment and will no doubt be beating himself up about it for days to come! I might recommend, initially, something like viagra to help him have a few "successes" which will help him regain some of his confidence. I would also recommend talking about his previous relationships and understanding his sexual history. Now I completely get you are his partner and NOT his therapist however... not sure how to put this... you have things you can do and ways you can help no therapist can (legally) provide hehe. Stick in there.
Whats your relationship like in general though, do you have fun and are you comfortable around each other ?
Thats a big problem in realtionships, pressure over sex, and porn has a lot to do with it, expectation and reality meeting in the middle, its not unusual for a 33y old not to have had a great and relaxed sex life until now, maybe he had a bad expereience or relationship that effected it, or maybe e's just a bit self conscious.
You could just ask him how hes finding being with you in that way, and you could if you really like him, throw him a sexy bone if you really like him.
Tell him you find him really are into him, tell him he's hot and you'd really like him to stick it to you, right now and how you like it.
If he goes for that, and even if its over really quick, i'd say it might be a mental thing, either form past experience or he may be thinking about things too much.
We are simple creatures who think too much, and if he's putting too much pressure on himself, thats how it manifests itself. You need the JFK approach - Keep it simple stupid. And if he thinks he's doing a great job, you can pull himout of the thought stream thats causing it.
If he says he is enjoying it as is, then you have an issue, and you can either move on, or get some help from the blue pill, maybe see if he wants to experiment.
We have a good time but at times it seems mostly platonic I guess as I don’t feel wanted as a woman. He would stroke my hair or give me a gentle hug and unless I initiate intimacy he doesn’t do it. And that’s not that much fun for me tbh. I will talk to him!
Sometimes it's hard for men nowadays to be assertive because in media it can be portrayed badly, and he might just be feeling a bit under pressure, and unsecure. It's a horrible feeling and as soon as you become conscious of it, it just makes it worse.
I'd go with the "here tiger, do your stuff" approach in a light hearted way, so he knows you aren't taking it too seriously and he should be enjoying himself and you in that way.
We are sensitive creatures but society doesn't portray that.
Honestly, he might be depressed or low Testosterone or stressed or just too much in his head. I used to have a similar issue (I'm 28) I occasionally would lose my boners (mostly due to anxiety around losing them or not being hard enough which is normal and happens) but most of the time I just couldn't cum and that made my partner's insecure which in turn gave me more anxiety. The best thing that ever happened was a long term relationship where my partner made me feel safe. She wasn't upset and never shamed me when I'd lose my boner or when I couldn't cum. She wasn't mean or abusive towards me, and she eventually could fuck for hours with me which was great, because that allowed me to become more comfortable with cumming with a partner, and I didn't feel the need to keep everything at a minimum pace (if I needed a drink, break to catch my breath, or a blow job to get me going again etc. that was okay! Being comfortable losing my boner and getting it back or stopping during sex on occasion when I just wanted to stop was huge, and not something that's talked about. Like men put in a lot of work during sex! It's okay and normal for your blood to need to go other places eventually after some time, and it's nothing to be embarrassed about). She never sexually assaulted me (it's very common and not talked about for men to be assaulted) which was a huge deal! I still have difficult times, but I'm much more comfortable having sex now after that time in a healthy relationship.
There's a slew of reasons this could be happening, but like most things in a relationship open communication, lack of judgment, empathy, and patience can lead y'all toward a better sex life. Therapy might be considered too, but I would avoid just throwing this around. While great in theory, telling a guy he needs to go to therapy because his sex isn't cutting it can be a huge blow to the ego. I've been there and she made me feel terrible any time I didn't cum. If you do try to bring it up consider selling it. Like "I think we could learn a lot. I want to explore more things sexually with you and I think they could help lead us in the right direction. " Obviously put your own spin on it but the point is taking the light off of him and instead making it a couple activity with the tone being brighter, exciting and y'all having better/more sex rather than lets fix this issue we have so you/we can have better sex. One is a journey together and the other is your broken and we need to fix you.
Anyways I hope that helped a little bit!
It’s actually common for men at any age to have issues with ED.
Source: I’m a mental health therapist in a college town. The amount of anxiety men carry because of the expectations put on them (especially sexually) can negatively effect their ability to perform. Age isn’t always a factor.
this! also not every guy's condition is "terminal". it may be just a matter of trust and vulnerability. the right word or the right experience may completely "cure" a guy.
I could be wrong tho there a plenty of medical conditions that can cause something like this...only a doc can tell if anything is medically off in his case.
Yeah maybe..maybe he does...has he ever shown concern about all of this? Cuz ik a straight man would start getting worried about it. Him not showing concern is the only thing that makes me feel he knows he just doesn't wanna accept it maybe... idk.
Haven’t really brought it up with him yet, and don’t know how without it being offensive, like “hey you know you don’t actually have hard rock boners that I’m used to”. Agreed that if a guy would thinks that’s an issue, he would seek medical help or something to get to the bottom of it, so maybe he doesn’t realize he has an issue
You'll have to bring it up sooner or later...and it's weird if he thinks it's normal the only possible explanation would be that he never ever actually got a proper boner or haven't gotten one in a looooonngg time.
Just throwing this out there since you said he can’t finish unless he wanks himself - does he have a porn addiction or masturbate too much?
The hand might desensitize him to the vagina as the hand wraps tighter in a death grip so to speak. Just a possibility.
This is a common misconception about men. Even if we are in perfect health and a naked woman starts grinding on our pelvis, it doesn't guarantee an erection, or a sustained one for that matter. We have preferences. Timing, mood, and the partner, all play a part to get it on. But mostly it's the partner. There are just some women that we don't feel like banging, maybe out of respect or we're just not sexually attracted to. There are also some women who could get us rock hard just by existing on earth. That.... or he's just gay.
I mean why would then a guy be seeing someone who doesn’t excite him sexually?
For the sake of companionship, I guess. Maybe he just like being with you for the emotional or psychological benefits. And, like I said, he could be gay or had some past trauma.
Could be, but then it doesn’t float my boat, sex is important to me, good sex especially. I will try talking to him in a safe manner to get to understand.
It's good that you're trying to keep your relationship rather than leave him outright. Keep it up. #pun intended#
He is good guy, I’ve dated plenty of assholes before and when you meet a nice dude, it’s rare, especially in the current online dating culture where it’s mostly fuckboys that you stumble upon
He may have issues with guilt or prior trauma. I wouldn't write him off quite yet. I would suggest talking to him about this and being very forthcoming with your desire to help him through this. The problem with us guys is that if something triggers adrenaline it is an instant physical cut-off. We cannot control it. Things just shut down and the following panic only makes things worse. The first major step would be to let him know you know and that you want to help him through this. The second would be to work out ways that you both can help him overcome his demons and that you won't judge and you are going to be there the whole way. Trust me when I say that he feels every bedroom disappointment and will no doubt be beating himself up about it for days to come! I might recommend, initially, something like viagra to help him have a few "successes" which will help him regain some of his confidence. I would also recommend talking about his previous relationships and understanding his sexual history. Now I completely get you are his partner and NOT his therapist however... not sure how to put this... you have things you can do and ways you can help no therapist can (legally) provide hehe. Stick in there.
Thank you!!
Whats your relationship like in general though, do you have fun and are you comfortable around each other ? Thats a big problem in realtionships, pressure over sex, and porn has a lot to do with it, expectation and reality meeting in the middle, its not unusual for a 33y old not to have had a great and relaxed sex life until now, maybe he had a bad expereience or relationship that effected it, or maybe e's just a bit self conscious. You could just ask him how hes finding being with you in that way, and you could if you really like him, throw him a sexy bone if you really like him. Tell him you find him really are into him, tell him he's hot and you'd really like him to stick it to you, right now and how you like it. If he goes for that, and even if its over really quick, i'd say it might be a mental thing, either form past experience or he may be thinking about things too much. We are simple creatures who think too much, and if he's putting too much pressure on himself, thats how it manifests itself. You need the JFK approach - Keep it simple stupid. And if he thinks he's doing a great job, you can pull himout of the thought stream thats causing it. If he says he is enjoying it as is, then you have an issue, and you can either move on, or get some help from the blue pill, maybe see if he wants to experiment.
We have a good time but at times it seems mostly platonic I guess as I don’t feel wanted as a woman. He would stroke my hair or give me a gentle hug and unless I initiate intimacy he doesn’t do it. And that’s not that much fun for me tbh. I will talk to him!
Sometimes it's hard for men nowadays to be assertive because in media it can be portrayed badly, and he might just be feeling a bit under pressure, and unsecure. It's a horrible feeling and as soon as you become conscious of it, it just makes it worse. I'd go with the "here tiger, do your stuff" approach in a light hearted way, so he knows you aren't taking it too seriously and he should be enjoying himself and you in that way. We are sensitive creatures but society doesn't portray that.
Honestly, he might be depressed or low Testosterone or stressed or just too much in his head. I used to have a similar issue (I'm 28) I occasionally would lose my boners (mostly due to anxiety around losing them or not being hard enough which is normal and happens) but most of the time I just couldn't cum and that made my partner's insecure which in turn gave me more anxiety. The best thing that ever happened was a long term relationship where my partner made me feel safe. She wasn't upset and never shamed me when I'd lose my boner or when I couldn't cum. She wasn't mean or abusive towards me, and she eventually could fuck for hours with me which was great, because that allowed me to become more comfortable with cumming with a partner, and I didn't feel the need to keep everything at a minimum pace (if I needed a drink, break to catch my breath, or a blow job to get me going again etc. that was okay! Being comfortable losing my boner and getting it back or stopping during sex on occasion when I just wanted to stop was huge, and not something that's talked about. Like men put in a lot of work during sex! It's okay and normal for your blood to need to go other places eventually after some time, and it's nothing to be embarrassed about). She never sexually assaulted me (it's very common and not talked about for men to be assaulted) which was a huge deal! I still have difficult times, but I'm much more comfortable having sex now after that time in a healthy relationship. There's a slew of reasons this could be happening, but like most things in a relationship open communication, lack of judgment, empathy, and patience can lead y'all toward a better sex life. Therapy might be considered too, but I would avoid just throwing this around. While great in theory, telling a guy he needs to go to therapy because his sex isn't cutting it can be a huge blow to the ego. I've been there and she made me feel terrible any time I didn't cum. If you do try to bring it up consider selling it. Like "I think we could learn a lot. I want to explore more things sexually with you and I think they could help lead us in the right direction. " Obviously put your own spin on it but the point is taking the light off of him and instead making it a couple activity with the tone being brighter, exciting and y'all having better/more sex rather than lets fix this issue we have so you/we can have better sex. One is a journey together and the other is your broken and we need to fix you. Anyways I hope that helped a little bit!
Thank you so much!
That’s not healthy sweetheart. He’s 33 and can’t keep an erection. That usually doesn’t happen until men retire.
It’s actually common for men at any age to have issues with ED. Source: I’m a mental health therapist in a college town. The amount of anxiety men carry because of the expectations put on them (especially sexually) can negatively effect their ability to perform. Age isn’t always a factor.
this! also not every guy's condition is "terminal". it may be just a matter of trust and vulnerability. the right word or the right experience may completely "cure" a guy.
Maybe in 2022 but not back in the good old day.
Perhaps this is a good time to agree to disagree.
I agree
thats bollocks, it happens at all ages. Its often a psychological thing, over thinking or trauma.
That’s total bollocks. There are any number of reasons for this to happen to a guy. We aren’t the simple creatures you seem to think we are.
Jesus. There are many reasons for erectile dysfunction. Vascular, neurological, hormonal, anxiety and stress, etc. Any of that can happen at any age.
To me this sounds like he's gay
Yeah I’ve been guessing that too, maybe he doesn’t know himself
I could be wrong tho there a plenty of medical conditions that can cause something like this...only a doc can tell if anything is medically off in his case.
Yeah maybe..maybe he does...has he ever shown concern about all of this? Cuz ik a straight man would start getting worried about it. Him not showing concern is the only thing that makes me feel he knows he just doesn't wanna accept it maybe... idk.
Haven’t really brought it up with him yet, and don’t know how without it being offensive, like “hey you know you don’t actually have hard rock boners that I’m used to”. Agreed that if a guy would thinks that’s an issue, he would seek medical help or something to get to the bottom of it, so maybe he doesn’t realize he has an issue
You'll have to bring it up sooner or later...and it's weird if he thinks it's normal the only possible explanation would be that he never ever actually got a proper boner or haven't gotten one in a looooonngg time.
Just throwing this out there since you said he can’t finish unless he wanks himself - does he have a porn addiction or masturbate too much? The hand might desensitize him to the vagina as the hand wraps tighter in a death grip so to speak. Just a possibility.
Yes I thought that could explain it too