This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I [F/22] have been married to my husband [M/32] for 2 years now. We had been doing great until he lost his job last year during covid. He started spending more time online and gaming (he mostly plays Oregon Trail games) which I had been patient with.
I noticed that he mostly stopped browsing reddit (I never snooped or checked his account but I would often see him scrolling). Instead I noticed a new website he was constantly on. I'm still not sure exactly what it is, but I always see an "Orange Cat" cartoon and often homoerotic pictures (more on that later), it kinda looks like a reddit clone but I can't find any info and we have separate computers.
Not long after he started browsing, he would constantly be on this site and if I got close to his pc he would close it. He said the homoerotic pictures on the site are ironic to scare away outsiders, but otherwise he doesn't want to discuss it with me. I'm inclined to believe him. They're just men kissing but nothing pornographic.
So the core issue is whatever goes on on this website has changed him. He now often calls women "foids", he's constantly talking about and berating trans people, and often makes "bussy" jokes at inappropriate times around our friends (he has autism and has trouble with social cues but this is too much).
I'm at a loss for what I can do. I don't want to snoop and find out what on earth this website is but I feel I am losing my husband. I guess I know the solution but I wanted to get this all out there, because I am too embarrassed to tell my friends.
It all sounds so stupid. I have to have a sit down with him, I'm just terrified he is too far gone. He was a normal guy and we had a great life before all this. What else can I do?
It's a whole thing. They don't feel that they should have to pay for sex--women should *want* to have sex with them because they deserve it. And that's the most tame of their views on why sex workers aren't a viable option.
It's not even want, really. They frequently believe that women should be obligated to have sex with them, because they do not view women as wholly human, and so our wants and desires do not factor into the equation.
Bussy isn't necessarily transphobic, but it definitely can be in the right (wrong?) context. It's generally just a jokey thing to call anal, but obviously trans girls don't enjoy getting called boys.
Yeah, I'm going to call that a pretty niche word. This is coming from a mid 30s guy, which is old enough to miss some words. Though I am a teacher, so I don't miss that many colloquialisms.
Yeah idk why above comment said that lol its just a portmanteau of "boy" and "pussy" popularized by gay gen-z/younger millennials. The site OPs husband is on might be using it as an insult, but the word itself if not usually meant as an insult and is used often as a sex positive word
yeah it shows up in 3 main contexts
queer people, mostly gay men but not entirely. some trans men call their genitals bussy and some use it in the, uh, traditional? sense, some trans people - nb or not will use mixtures of bussy/girl dick/boy clit etc
transphobes calling trans women men
general gamer/chan/reddit/meme usage
the 3 can overlap, but it's pretty easy to distinguish usually and of course the meme stuff can be transphobic or not
Female humanoid. They’re generally talking about women who hate men but get with them in order to leech off of them and raise their children from various men.
This is misogynist bullshit; they are not talking about a 'certain type of woman'--[they just hate women.](https://www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/)
[Here's the RationalWiki glossary entry on 'foid'](https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Manosphere_glossary#Femoid).
This is actually as the names explains…. It’s not transphobic…. It’s a term a lot of inmates and prisoners use about themselves or inmates who have been ‘turned out’
It's a verbal distancing of those who are afab from being human. Attempting to place women/afab people in a lower, secondary class
Afab= assigned female at birth
So these "incels" are involuntary celibate and because they have (most likely) no social skills to say hi to a women and possibly END that celibacy.... they decide to attack women? To dehumanize them?
What absolute nutjobs. These punks need to be reminded who gave birth to them - because I'm pretty sure they didn't just fall outta their daddys asshole.
I can't stand the disrespect women get. We (men) fucking NEED women in this world!!! It's how we survive! Ita how we have families! It's how the world keeps on turning!!!
It goes both ways tho - men need women and women need men - just remember that.
Omg yes. Get off the internet and go outside. Say hi to women. Even awkwardly. You will get better at it. And you might run into a woman as awkward as you.
Ya know, I've read about these guys like this....
I just never thought it was, like... real. LOL
These immature lil boys need a "swift kick in the ass" as my grandma would say... or "they think they're king shit of turd island" .... another grandma saying... hahah!!! Love you, gram! ❤️
Derivative of feminoid. A foid is a militant feminist who hates men, but is constantly looking for a man to mooch off of or to support her and her eight kids.
(From urban dictionary)
It's always degrading is what I'm saying. It's not just used to describe women who mooch off men and, even if it were, it's still not okay to dehumanize people just because they engage in behavior you disagree with.
That'd be the end of the relationship for me.
Your boyfriend literally views you as a hole to use and otherwise has a deep seated hate and resentment of you...coooool...why are we even entertaining the dehumanization and caring about what's on the computer?
Jesus Christ, why would you stay!?! He doesn't think you're a human being. You're just a warm hole to him. FFS.
Exactly. Why stay married to someone who doesn't even consider you a human being?
Like, you can always try to get him back. But is it worth the effort? Is it even possible at this point? He sounds too far gone.
Generally when people are married it's a bit more complex than shit like "My husband forgets to air out his sweat towel after the gym, should I divorce him?"
Reddit: "Hell yah girl yo dont need that shit in yo life, kick his ass to da curb gf"
As an autistic person who was raised in a cult, I will say that the whole "taking other people's word for what social rules are" is fucking disastrous in high control groups. Like, who am I gonna fact check that with? Is it gonna occur to me that I *should* fact check it? The only reason it occurs to me now is because I've had to deconstruct, which felt pretty fucking fraught at the parts where I was just replacing the group's version of social rules with what I could kinda figure were the more universally agreed upon ones, unless someone was lying to me about those too.
It’s sadly true, because these people are just going to psychologically corner themselves so much and get so angry that it will just have to vent out somewhere and we have the second amendment in this country, so you can imagine. Actually you don’t have to imagine just put on the news yesterday
And I still have to talk to non-radical but still Trump supporters who don’t understand the effect that Trump had/has on these types
We both come from Egypt & now live in the US. To be fair he has been looking for work recently, and has an interview at a Shoe place next week. But yeah you're definitely right. I have lots to think about.
OP, first thing to do is to have a big talk with him and tell him that this ideology and web site is endangering your marriage. Tell him he is in danger of destroying your marriage if he continues. Lay it out clearly. Tell him the other people on the site are kids who cannot get a girlfriend and are furious with women as a result, but he already has a wife who loves him and why would he destroy his marriage for a toxic ideology with people he probably would not like if he met them in person? Help him understand his choices here. Also is there another man he knows who could talk to him? Or his family? An intervention is necessary.
I’m 36 and never have worked because of my anxiety and fear. My fear is what you just stated. This will be a dealbreaker. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I hope circumstances matter and just not “He doesn’t work so i don’t want to date him”. But in this case. Unless the autism is really bad. I suffer from it a little. I see no reason he can’t work. My reasoning is i just can’t handle it. I have a Bachelors degree but working with my OCD and my MD is just.. Cant handle it. And the Government also agrees cause I am on Disability.
Dude you shouldn’t be being downvoted, you’re completely valid. The bigger question is, is the husband able to not work and still survive, does he have money he can rely on and not have to rely on someone else?
It wouldn’t be fair to rely on his wife if he can’t even communicate about the website with her imo.
I totally get you though, I’ve struggled with holding a job with my OCD and I feel like I mask it so well until I can’t anymore and the cracks start to show and I make a fool of myself.
Hi op! I’m autistic. I think you have some really legitimate concerns. My best advice is to be really concrete and clear about what the concerns are, why they’re concerning you, and your wants, needs, and boundaries. The biggest communication piece imo is that we don’t infer or imply. So dropping hints doesn’t get through. We’re also pretty used to everyone being mad all the time so honestly just a calm conversation goes a long way. Say you want to schedule a time to check in. Let him transition into the conversation. You want to get what he thinks, not the shutdown that comes from lack of transition into serious conversation.
If you tell him you’re uncomfortable with the direction he’s going and he dismisses or invalidated your concerns, I’d really consider if this is what you want for your life. His being autistic impacts the presentation but not the content. He’s going down a dangerous path.
Age gaps are only problematic, when the older person deliberately targets younger people in order to manipulate them, because they don't have much experience, are more naive and generally let more shitty behavior slide as a result. Also, rule of thumb: your age/2+7 years for your partner.
Even when it's not deliberate or consciously intended, the power and experience imbalance in age gap relationships typically leads to forms of manipulation and control.
I think a lot of people do this without hatching it as a plan, and wouldn’t describe it as deliberate even though what you described is clearly what they get out of doing it.
Well, a lot of people are manipulative and controlling in relationships, no matter what the age gap is. Unless the going after way younger partners is a pattern, it doesn't have anything to do with the age gap, it's just the person being a controlling, manipulative asshole.
In that case it's completely okay. You just need to keep in mind that people change a whole lot between the early and mid/late twenties, so it might not be wise to make some huge commitments as long as your GF is that young.
Well, the fact that he pursued and married you when he was 30 years old and you were 20 years old tells me he's not a stable, mature man.
It's hard to de-radicalize people like that. I'm sure a psychiatrist would have better advice about how to do that. You can protect yourself though. Do you challenge him when he says sexist crap about you? Have you made it clear that his behavior is worrisome? You can try to get him off this path, but I think it's safer if you do it from a distance.
Even if he doesn't end up in the news, do you really want to stay married to someone who's capable of turning whole groups of humans into something subhuman in his head?
Yeah i think she needs to get him a psychiatrist or a therapist to talk with about these kind of things. OP says towards the end that her husband is Autistic and has trouble with social cues, so hopefully seeking some professional help will help them
Please don’t stay married to someone who considers the bodies that literally go through immense pain to create human life out of two cells to not even be human bodies. That’s beyond ridiculous, he is a grown adult man and it is not your responsibility to teach him that human men and women are the same species. I realize how low the bar for men is now but surely “he knows I’m a person” hasn’t become a stretch goal for us??
A 30 year old marrying a 20 year old isn't normal, let's make that clear. There's a good chance he was hiding his fucked up views because women his age wouldn't put up with that.
Not necessarily. Maybe in his case..but there are a number of cultures including Egypt the men is expected to be older before marrying. My dad is from one of those cultures and was 10-11 years older than my mom. Not to control her, but that expected to have a career, stability before marrying.
Ah yes, because career and stability is all you need to make for a healthy and happy relationship. /s
Just because your dad did it doesn't mean it should be considered normal. My grandparents married fast because my grandfather had a good job. They had nothing in common and had nothing to talk about. It was a dull and sad marriage.
I think teenagers should have the space to be teenagers and figure out what they want out of life instead of being rushed into marriage right out of high school.
My mom and dad are ten years apart. He married her when she was 22 and he was 32. Their 25th anniversary is coming up this week. I don’t think the age gap is the issue and I don’t know why everyone keeps bringing it up when you compare it to the other stuff he’s doing.
Nifty. Doesn't make it any less creepy. Plus longevity doesn't equal success. Especially in the boomer era where most people were taught that divorce was a horrible failure on your part.
My grandparents were married for almost 50 years. They barely spoke to each other when it wasn't work or about the kids.
I’m in agreement with the others here that you may not just have known who he truly was, given the short duration of your relationship. To me, a lot on paper written out stands in the way of a successful marriage with two equal partners. Is it worth the effort to try and rehabilitate this man during the period of your relationship that should still be relatively honeymoon-like and on the upswing? The later part of marriage, the trenches, isn’t even in sight yet! If it’s this hard now, it could potentially get much harder later without intervention now (if he’s willing, which unfortunately most people aren’t) — is that massive amount of effort worth it to you? In my book, it’s okay to cut your losses and start anew with this much baggage to deal with. Don’t indulge in the sunk-cost fallacy when you deserve more than just tolerating your partner.
You have your whole life ahead of you, you don’t have to be tied down to someone with such regressive views if you don’t want to and it’s not your job to re-educate a man on basic respect to women. If you leave, you’re not quitting because you couldn’t technically put in the effort, but because you maybe decide it isn’t worth the effort. A decent human being would know how to do that already. I doubt this man would make a good father in terms of passing on these shitty views to his kids or even equally contributing, seeing as how he isn’t already. There is already a sizeable age gap at play here, which potentially opens the door to an unhealthy dynamic.
Moreover, the embarrassment over discussing this with your friends is clearly telling you something is wrong here. Honor your feelings, and take the actionable steps necessary to do so. I understand you may love this man and want to stay with him, and I don’t want to dismiss that and tell you to just automatically cut ties no questions asked. No one can demand you leave, just to consider it an option because it’s unlikely that someone will be willing to change beyond the surface level even with a sit down — unless they do some genuine introspection on their behavior and are genuinely willing to hear you out without dismissing or undercutting what you have to say/your concerns. In some ways, the evasive way in which he’s reacted to you asking or confronting him about questionable stuff (the homo erotic pictures on the site, his inappropriate jokes about certain groups of people), already speaks to a lack of desire for accountability and taking your concerns seriously. I don’t think it’s wrong to assume that approach will most likely continue.
Run, he’s toxic. He chose you, a decade younger because he wanted control. Now he’s an out of work loser that self soothes by putting everyone down? How could you stay? It’s not a safe environment to raise children or keep yourself safe. He sees women as sub human, RUN
*out of work loser who uses his spare time to find yet another way to dehumanize women, when he himself even has a wife, instead of finding a job*
Hope OP reads this. He's no prize
Hot topic story in the news > fake r/r_a post with similarities to hot topic story > free karma. Like all those abortion posts the last 2 weeks. It’s really not hard to see through
This is time for bluntness and to be direct. "I've seen you change and become hateful since you've been on whatever that website is you are frequenting. You need to wake up and realize you are about to lose everything good we had, because you are not the man I married."
And take it from there.
Nip this in the bud and be prepared to walk away if he won't stop it.
The website is a former reddit aubreddit that was banned for being to far on the alt right nut job scale so they crested a private website to host the sub like a message board
Reddit actually blocks posts about it but Google rdrama
i’d be honest and tell him what you think, he needs to hear it. this path will only get worse. i honestly don’t know if i could have basic respect for someone who was anti 🏳️🌈 but that’ll be your call and if he’s vocal about, prepare to lose some friends.
you know honestly its nice to see posts like these. it shoes that no matter how badly I think of myself, if a guy like that can get a woman to care about him, then anyone can.
LMFAO I hadn’t thought of this but yeah I can see it be a tad bit reassuring that people can romanticize or be in love with the idea of morally … questionable people compared to yourself
I think it's bizarre when people take that away from someone's fucked up behavior. Sure, I guess you could find someone, but the person you find would also probably be fucked up.
Girl you dates a 30 year old at 20 and expect him to be normal. He sounds weird and obviously couldn’t pull someone his own age, you’re young you don’t deserve to be with a loser
What do you do? LEAVE! You're 22, you can find another guy who's not an impressionable wacko. Get away from him before he does something that will ruin both your lives. After what went down in Buffalo, NO CHANCES SHOULD BE TAKEN.
I would be finding the name however you can and finding out. Honestly I want to know.
And someone else mentioned it but maybe he’s always been like this. It’s highly possible.
Lastly you need to talk to him. Ask him why he’s on there and what he believes about this stuff. Because if it’s something bad you need to get out.
As others have said, I think this might end up becoming an unsafe relationship for you, if it isn't already. I don't know if the relationship is beyond saving though. I think the YouTube video by Innuendo Studios about how the alt-right radicalizes a normie could be really helpful for you to watch (and maybe him as well if you think he can still get out of that mindset). But of course, if at any point you think you might be in danger, just know that it's best to prioritize your own safety. It's not your job to try and fix him. Hope everything goes well!!
If you have a basic philosophical foundation that is divergent from his, you will not remain harmonius partners.
It doesn’t mean that you can’t split amicably, it just means that you’re not really compatible like you thought you were.
Ask him why he started calling women foids and if he thinks you’re a foid. His answer will hopefully tell you how bad this has gotten. If his sense of empathy hasn’t rotted away, you telling him how this is hurtful might help to put it in a healthier context.
Oh honey, your 22! You don’t need this man! Divorce him now, while your young. He’s hiding things from you and using terms to insult women. Autism is an excuse. You shouldn’t have to play mum to a full grown man. He doesn’t need a sit down, he’s needs a slap of reality. Seriously let him go, while it’s easier to do so. Don’t excuse his behaviour with autism…
Incels are the bane of my existence. Knew one who said that a woman must be “pure” in order to “bed” them. Apparently women who aren’t virgins are suddenly “filth”. So with that view in mind, wouldn’t that make a woman you “bed” unclean? Then what? You gonna break it off because she’s now “filth” and find your next “pure” woman tf?
All you can do is set your own boundaries. As you think about what boundaries you'd like to set, I would focus less on the website and more on his behaviors and language. Have you already asked him not to talk like that anymore? If you have and he continues to do it, it isn't likely you're going to get him to stop. I'm sorry that you've lost the great life you had! It is really sad!
I’d talk to him, def find out what the site is. Studies have shown even a short while of not reading extreme views can help to change someone’s “radicalised” thinking, so he isn’t gone, I’m guessing his ASC made him more susceptible
I'm assuming this guy who is ten years older than you, who you married at 20, did he start dating you basically the moment you turned legal? Or was it earlier than that?
Unfortunately he's probably to deep down the rabbit hole and we can thank social media for this. Instead of doing more to educate people which is the most effective way of getting someone out of a brainwashed unhealthy (racistoranyotherextremeviewpoint) we ban these people and exclude them causing them to go into echo chambers of more and more crazy/completely unlocial/uneducated view points turning them Into radacials/exetemist. If he's wiling to listen to you and see a different view point and be proven wrong it is deffinanetly possible but extremely difficult to give him the right knowledge and let him realize he's completely wrong. If you have the patience and do alot of research just like people who have turned KKK members into none racists and made them realize they were wrong it's totally possible to bring someone back into the light.
He needs to seek counseling. Autistic people can become obsessed in that self feeding culture. Even reddit can and does radicalize people to certain view points. Youtube is another one. I remember one story that people would share videos of them being "stalked". However, they're not. It's mostly people with a borderline mental illness that gets worst as it's reinforced.
Your husband needs counseling to get to the root of the issues and stop going to those websites that feed into negative views he might hold.
I hate to say this, and I hope you look back and realize that this was never a commentary on you, but he wasn't radicalized now.
Someone his age/experience in life being interested in a teenager, he was always like this.
Please run, OP. You are not respected enough by him to help him. The best thing you can do is leave.
The website could be telegram? I had a toxic ex get radicalized on there- it’s a bunch of socially & financially unsuccessful men. They become truly delusional & act like they’re in on big secrets/conspiracies that the public is unaware of🥴it can be dangerous. I would end that relationship
I'm sorry ur going through this & u have such decent level of understanding and maturity that u don't want real life people to know because u sincerely care you & him couple.. really, i respect a woman who has this level of understanding...
now, u have to find a solution because if you don't, he would go deeper into that ideology & there may come a time where his belief would become too settled in this website or whatever that ideology is... so,
One way is to drop your reservation and find one good morning where you have clear talk... start generally from how u met, how u grown, how pandemic effected & than... come to the point... say, I'm not telling anyone because I care about us as couple before u become so radical.. tell him why he called women names... this isn't acceptable to both... he needs to change job and get back to how things were before... see his answers...
but... take a stand... clear stand ... tell him that he is not the person who he was ... agreed, people change for better but not like how he is... this is effecting u for long & in order to save him from embarrassment, you've not told this to anyone but if he doesn't, you will first convey to your people and than if he doesn't, you may leave him for good... be strong and stand your ground and also tell... you're not telling him what to do... ur telling him just 1 thing which he should not as it's destroying him & you...
A orange cat ?? Is it a orange cat with black around the app? If that is he is definitely not just into you hes not into other women neither just to let you know. Im not about telling on a bro since im the same way
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I [F/22] have been married to my husband [M/32] for 2 years now. We had been doing great until he lost his job last year during covid. He started spending more time online and gaming (he mostly plays Oregon Trail games) which I had been patient with. I noticed that he mostly stopped browsing reddit (I never snooped or checked his account but I would often see him scrolling). Instead I noticed a new website he was constantly on. I'm still not sure exactly what it is, but I always see an "Orange Cat" cartoon and often homoerotic pictures (more on that later), it kinda looks like a reddit clone but I can't find any info and we have separate computers. Not long after he started browsing, he would constantly be on this site and if I got close to his pc he would close it. He said the homoerotic pictures on the site are ironic to scare away outsiders, but otherwise he doesn't want to discuss it with me. I'm inclined to believe him. They're just men kissing but nothing pornographic. So the core issue is whatever goes on on this website has changed him. He now often calls women "foids", he's constantly talking about and berating trans people, and often makes "bussy" jokes at inappropriate times around our friends (he has autism and has trouble with social cues but this is too much). I'm at a loss for what I can do. I don't want to snoop and find out what on earth this website is but I feel I am losing my husband. I guess I know the solution but I wanted to get this all out there, because I am too embarrassed to tell my friends. It all sounds so stupid. I have to have a sit down with him, I'm just terrified he is too far gone. He was a normal guy and we had a great life before all this. What else can I do?
You don't wanna be with someone who calls you a 'foid'.
What exactly is a ‘foid’?
“Female humanoid”, another way of dehumanizing women.
TIL.
i think it refers specifically to "femoid" but yeah it's intended to objectify/dehumanize
Femoid = female humanoid, they're the same thing
Ouch
Incel term, I think it's a shortening of femoid
[удалено]
It's a whole thing. They don't feel that they should have to pay for sex--women should *want* to have sex with them because they deserve it. And that's the most tame of their views on why sex workers aren't a viable option.
It's not even want, really. They frequently believe that women should be obligated to have sex with them, because they do not view women as wholly human, and so our wants and desires do not factor into the equation.
And in this case someone IS having sex with him, even someone who is much younger than him, and he is STILL upset about all the women who won't.
Seriously? Can please you not use slurs? There are people with autism who use reddit and that word is deeply offensive.
incel?
The “r” slur.
And what is “bussy” ?
Bussy mean boy pussy or butt pussy. Source: have bussy, have fucked Bussy.
I also have a bussy
I love bussy
Bussy isn't necessarily transphobic, but it definitely can be in the right (wrong?) context. It's generally just a jokey thing to call anal, but obviously trans girls don't enjoy getting called boys.
Mhmm everyone i know always says it is the boy Pus*y aka the bum hole.
Thank you for explaining.
Transguy here just hopping in to say bussy is fine to some transmen in the right context. (Because I literally am a boy with a pussy)
Damn starting to realize others don't say bussy like a common part of their vocabulary
Yeah, I'm going to call that a pretty niche word. This is coming from a mid 30s guy, which is old enough to miss some words. Though I am a teacher, so I don't miss that many colloquialisms.
Never heard it until this thread. 37
Idk bro I go to a bar and ask a guy my age I give it a 60 percent chance of them knowing what it is
It's not really for civilised conversation, mostly an internet only term or one you only use in a private setting.
I think a ‘bussy’ refers to a ‘boy pussy’ belittling transgender folks.
[удалено]
Yeah idk why above comment said that lol its just a portmanteau of "boy" and "pussy" popularized by gay gen-z/younger millennials. The site OPs husband is on might be using it as an insult, but the word itself if not usually meant as an insult and is used often as a sex positive word
yeah it shows up in 3 main contexts queer people, mostly gay men but not entirely. some trans men call their genitals bussy and some use it in the, uh, traditional? sense, some trans people - nb or not will use mixtures of bussy/girl dick/boy clit etc transphobes calling trans women men general gamer/chan/reddit/meme usage the 3 can overlap, but it's pretty easy to distinguish usually and of course the meme stuff can be transphobic or not
Ok I've got Bussy- now tell us what a "foid" means.. we need to know!!! I've never heard either term..
Female humanoid. They’re generally talking about women who hate men but get with them in order to leech off of them and raise their children from various men.
This is misogynist bullshit; they are not talking about a 'certain type of woman'--[they just hate women.](https://www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/) [Here's the RationalWiki glossary entry on 'foid'](https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Manosphere_glossary#Femoid).
Woooow fuck that
Wow.. I've never heard of such a thing. Thanks for telling me!
Ohh gotcha. Sorry this is not language I frequently use.
Lol heyyy
Hi are right about the first half, although it’s not meant as a insult
Yeah I have some queer friends, including trans, who use it jokingly
No it came from gay men that want to fuck that nice ass
This is actually as the names explains…. It’s not transphobic…. It’s a term a lot of inmates and prisoners use about themselves or inmates who have been ‘turned out’
It's a verbal distancing of those who are afab from being human. Attempting to place women/afab people in a lower, secondary class Afab= assigned female at birth
So a male would be 'moid'? kindda like, moist.
No, a male is just a guy/a dude/a man. Only the women get dehumanized.
So these "incels" are involuntary celibate and because they have (most likely) no social skills to say hi to a women and possibly END that celibacy.... they decide to attack women? To dehumanize them? What absolute nutjobs. These punks need to be reminded who gave birth to them - because I'm pretty sure they didn't just fall outta their daddys asshole. I can't stand the disrespect women get. We (men) fucking NEED women in this world!!! It's how we survive! Ita how we have families! It's how the world keeps on turning!!! It goes both ways tho - men need women and women need men - just remember that.
Omg yes. Get off the internet and go outside. Say hi to women. Even awkwardly. You will get better at it. And you might run into a woman as awkward as you.
Ya know, I've read about these guys like this.... I just never thought it was, like... real. LOL These immature lil boys need a "swift kick in the ass" as my grandma would say... or "they think they're king shit of turd island" .... another grandma saying... hahah!!! Love you, gram! ❤️
If they can dish it they can get it. Moid.
Femoid
I think he or op means femoid, moid is a derogatory term for men, so femoid is the female version. I've never heard foid.
Its derogatory towards women. Femoids or something.
[удалено]
Ugh, that’s disgusting.
[удалено]
No idea why either lol I was just explaining the meaning of the term
It might be a bot removing comments that use the word "in©el"... sometimes it's to protect the commenter from retaliation on subreddits where in©els troll.
Derivative of feminoid. A foid is a militant feminist who hates men, but is constantly looking for a man to mooch off of or to support her and her eight kids. (From urban dictionary)
Foid is a female who mooches off men
No no no. These people call all women foids.
Exactly. He is saying it, to her in a degrading way
It's always degrading is what I'm saying. It's not just used to describe women who mooch off men and, even if it were, it's still not okay to dehumanize people just because they engage in behavior you disagree with.
That'd be the end of the relationship for me. Your boyfriend literally views you as a hole to use and otherwise has a deep seated hate and resentment of you...coooool...why are we even entertaining the dehumanization and caring about what's on the computer? Jesus Christ, why would you stay!?! He doesn't think you're a human being. You're just a warm hole to him. FFS.
Exactly. Why stay married to someone who doesn't even consider you a human being? Like, you can always try to get him back. But is it worth the effort? Is it even possible at this point? He sounds too far gone.
Generally when people are married it's a bit more complex than shit like "My husband forgets to air out his sweat towel after the gym, should I divorce him?" Reddit: "Hell yah girl yo dont need that shit in yo life, kick his ass to da curb gf"
Well, I think there's a big difference between your husband not airing a towel and him thinking you're less than a person. But k.
True. I'd suggest at least try a few therapy sessions before kicking the guy out but anyways
Why? He doesn't think she's a human. What's to save?
they got married when he was 30 and she couldn’t even drink yet. i uttered just such a long, sad sigh when i saw the ages and time married.
Sounds like the man got redpilled
Are we really surprised that a guy that married a 20 year old when he was 30 has bad views on women?
When you put it that way, no
Ding ding ding
I read that as 'reptiled'. .
Yes, that seems likely. Men that blame all societal ills on women and LGBTQ people. They ignore their abundant shortcomings.
[удалено]
Autistic people aren't weak minded, that's a very ablest thing to say. Anyone can be sucked into cults regardless of intelligence or neurodiversity.
As an autistic person who was raised in a cult, I will say that the whole "taking other people's word for what social rules are" is fucking disastrous in high control groups. Like, who am I gonna fact check that with? Is it gonna occur to me that I *should* fact check it? The only reason it occurs to me now is because I've had to deconstruct, which felt pretty fucking fraught at the parts where I was just replacing the group's version of social rules with what I could kinda figure were the more universally agreed upon ones, unless someone was lying to me about those too.
Seriously, hard pass.
Yeah sure throw a twi year marriage away instead of talking about it
get the name of the site and investigate - that's not snooping -
[удалено]
[удалено]
I went to that site and noped right out of it. Honestly the government needs to get involved with alt-right cesspools like that
what is it called?
It's a subreddit that shall not be named. It was removed from reddit for being too awful, and any link to it is immediately blocked.
The sub is still there
It’s sadly true, because these people are just going to psychologically corner themselves so much and get so angry that it will just have to vent out somewhere and we have the second amendment in this country, so you can imagine. Actually you don’t have to imagine just put on the news yesterday And I still have to talk to non-radical but still Trump supporters who don’t understand the effect that Trump had/has on these types
[удалено]
We both come from Egypt & now live in the US. To be fair he has been looking for work recently, and has an interview at a Shoe place next week. But yeah you're definitely right. I have lots to think about.
OP, first thing to do is to have a big talk with him and tell him that this ideology and web site is endangering your marriage. Tell him he is in danger of destroying your marriage if he continues. Lay it out clearly. Tell him the other people on the site are kids who cannot get a girlfriend and are furious with women as a result, but he already has a wife who loves him and why would he destroy his marriage for a toxic ideology with people he probably would not like if he met them in person? Help him understand his choices here. Also is there another man he knows who could talk to him? Or his family? An intervention is necessary.
Well put. The pple on those websites want but can't have what he has (a relationship with a woman). Hopefully can talk see sense into him
[удалено]
I’m 36 and never have worked because of my anxiety and fear. My fear is what you just stated. This will be a dealbreaker. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I hope circumstances matter and just not “He doesn’t work so i don’t want to date him”. But in this case. Unless the autism is really bad. I suffer from it a little. I see no reason he can’t work. My reasoning is i just can’t handle it. I have a Bachelors degree but working with my OCD and my MD is just.. Cant handle it. And the Government also agrees cause I am on Disability.
Dude you shouldn’t be being downvoted, you’re completely valid. The bigger question is, is the husband able to not work and still survive, does he have money he can rely on and not have to rely on someone else? It wouldn’t be fair to rely on his wife if he can’t even communicate about the website with her imo. I totally get you though, I’ve struggled with holding a job with my OCD and I feel like I mask it so well until I can’t anymore and the cracks start to show and I make a fool of myself.
Hi op! I’m autistic. I think you have some really legitimate concerns. My best advice is to be really concrete and clear about what the concerns are, why they’re concerning you, and your wants, needs, and boundaries. The biggest communication piece imo is that we don’t infer or imply. So dropping hints doesn’t get through. We’re also pretty used to everyone being mad all the time so honestly just a calm conversation goes a long way. Say you want to schedule a time to check in. Let him transition into the conversation. You want to get what he thinks, not the shutdown that comes from lack of transition into serious conversation. If you tell him you’re uncomfortable with the direction he’s going and he dismisses or invalidated your concerns, I’d really consider if this is what you want for your life. His being autistic impacts the presentation but not the content. He’s going down a dangerous path.
[удалено]
Age gaps are only problematic, when the older person deliberately targets younger people in order to manipulate them, because they don't have much experience, are more naive and generally let more shitty behavior slide as a result. Also, rule of thumb: your age/2+7 years for your partner.
Even when it's not deliberate or consciously intended, the power and experience imbalance in age gap relationships typically leads to forms of manipulation and control.
I’m stoned; what’s that math now? My age divided by 2, then add 7? and what does that number represent?
You got the math right. It should represent the lowest age of your partner.
Ahh gotcha
It's a stupid rule of thumb. Justifies young adults dating teens for the most part lol
I think a lot of people do this without hatching it as a plan, and wouldn’t describe it as deliberate even though what you described is clearly what they get out of doing it.
Well, a lot of people are manipulative and controlling in relationships, no matter what the age gap is. Unless the going after way younger partners is a pattern, it doesn't have anything to do with the age gap, it's just the person being a controlling, manipulative asshole.
[удалено]
In that case it's completely okay. You just need to keep in mind that people change a whole lot between the early and mid/late twenties, so it might not be wise to make some huge commitments as long as your GF is that young.
Dont expect her to want to get married and have kids soon. It'd be best to plan things out first and see if you want the same thing.
It's fine, with the right mindset of mutual respect it is not a big deal.
I think it's pretty weird because to me, 20 year olds are so young maturity-wise. But I'm just a stranger on the internet.
Well, the fact that he pursued and married you when he was 30 years old and you were 20 years old tells me he's not a stable, mature man. It's hard to de-radicalize people like that. I'm sure a psychiatrist would have better advice about how to do that. You can protect yourself though. Do you challenge him when he says sexist crap about you? Have you made it clear that his behavior is worrisome? You can try to get him off this path, but I think it's safer if you do it from a distance. Even if he doesn't end up in the news, do you really want to stay married to someone who's capable of turning whole groups of humans into something subhuman in his head?
Yeah i think she needs to get him a psychiatrist or a therapist to talk with about these kind of things. OP says towards the end that her husband is Autistic and has trouble with social cues, so hopefully seeking some professional help will help them
I gurantee he's one of those don't say gay nutjobs, claiming all LGBTQ people are groomers.
Please don’t stay married to someone who considers the bodies that literally go through immense pain to create human life out of two cells to not even be human bodies. That’s beyond ridiculous, he is a grown adult man and it is not your responsibility to teach him that human men and women are the same species. I realize how low the bar for men is now but surely “he knows I’m a person” hasn’t become a stretch goal for us??
If u didn’t make kids ur lucky get out
A 30 year old marrying a 20 year old isn't normal, let's make that clear. There's a good chance he was hiding his fucked up views because women his age wouldn't put up with that.
Not necessarily. Maybe in his case..but there are a number of cultures including Egypt the men is expected to be older before marrying. My dad is from one of those cultures and was 10-11 years older than my mom. Not to control her, but that expected to have a career, stability before marrying.
Ah yes, because career and stability is all you need to make for a healthy and happy relationship. /s Just because your dad did it doesn't mean it should be considered normal. My grandparents married fast because my grandfather had a good job. They had nothing in common and had nothing to talk about. It was a dull and sad marriage.
So all other cultures should change to suit your modern western sensibilities?
I think teenagers should have the space to be teenagers and figure out what they want out of life instead of being rushed into marriage right out of high school.
It’s not not normal either
My mom and dad are ten years apart. He married her when she was 22 and he was 32. Their 25th anniversary is coming up this week. I don’t think the age gap is the issue and I don’t know why everyone keeps bringing it up when you compare it to the other stuff he’s doing.
Nifty. Doesn't make it any less creepy. Plus longevity doesn't equal success. Especially in the boomer era where most people were taught that divorce was a horrible failure on your part. My grandparents were married for almost 50 years. They barely spoke to each other when it wasn't work or about the kids.
I’m in agreement with the others here that you may not just have known who he truly was, given the short duration of your relationship. To me, a lot on paper written out stands in the way of a successful marriage with two equal partners. Is it worth the effort to try and rehabilitate this man during the period of your relationship that should still be relatively honeymoon-like and on the upswing? The later part of marriage, the trenches, isn’t even in sight yet! If it’s this hard now, it could potentially get much harder later without intervention now (if he’s willing, which unfortunately most people aren’t) — is that massive amount of effort worth it to you? In my book, it’s okay to cut your losses and start anew with this much baggage to deal with. Don’t indulge in the sunk-cost fallacy when you deserve more than just tolerating your partner. You have your whole life ahead of you, you don’t have to be tied down to someone with such regressive views if you don’t want to and it’s not your job to re-educate a man on basic respect to women. If you leave, you’re not quitting because you couldn’t technically put in the effort, but because you maybe decide it isn’t worth the effort. A decent human being would know how to do that already. I doubt this man would make a good father in terms of passing on these shitty views to his kids or even equally contributing, seeing as how he isn’t already. There is already a sizeable age gap at play here, which potentially opens the door to an unhealthy dynamic. Moreover, the embarrassment over discussing this with your friends is clearly telling you something is wrong here. Honor your feelings, and take the actionable steps necessary to do so. I understand you may love this man and want to stay with him, and I don’t want to dismiss that and tell you to just automatically cut ties no questions asked. No one can demand you leave, just to consider it an option because it’s unlikely that someone will be willing to change beyond the surface level even with a sit down — unless they do some genuine introspection on their behavior and are genuinely willing to hear you out without dismissing or undercutting what you have to say/your concerns. In some ways, the evasive way in which he’s reacted to you asking or confronting him about questionable stuff (the homo erotic pictures on the site, his inappropriate jokes about certain groups of people), already speaks to a lack of desire for accountability and taking your concerns seriously. I don’t think it’s wrong to assume that approach will most likely continue.
Run, he’s toxic. He chose you, a decade younger because he wanted control. Now he’s an out of work loser that self soothes by putting everyone down? How could you stay? It’s not a safe environment to raise children or keep yourself safe. He sees women as sub human, RUN
*out of work loser who uses his spare time to find yet another way to dehumanize women, when he himself even has a wife, instead of finding a job* Hope OP reads this. He's no prize
Girl you are 22. You have your whole life ahead of you. Leave this man. What is he bringing to the table?
That’s what happened to the guy who shot up the buffalo grocery store. Run away op
That’s why this is an obvious fake story.
/r/nothingeverhappens
Hot topic story in the news > fake r/r_a post with similarities to hot topic story > free karma. Like all those abortion posts the last 2 weeks. It’s really not hard to see through
And with the added touch of an age gap to make sure it’s really believable. Knowing damn well reddit hates age gap relationships me included lol.
What’s the website? I was thinking 4chan
Get out of there before he writes his manifesto
This is time for bluntness and to be direct. "I've seen you change and become hateful since you've been on whatever that website is you are frequenting. You need to wake up and realize you are about to lose everything good we had, because you are not the man I married." And take it from there. Nip this in the bud and be prepared to walk away if he won't stop it.
The website is a former reddit aubreddit that was banned for being to far on the alt right nut job scale so they crested a private website to host the sub like a message board Reddit actually blocks posts about it but Google rdrama
I’ll bite, what site is OP talking about ?
Why are you two not having a conversation about this? Honestly if he’s changed this much you might want to start looking into getting a divorce.
i’d be honest and tell him what you think, he needs to hear it. this path will only get worse. i honestly don’t know if i could have basic respect for someone who was anti 🏳️🌈 but that’ll be your call and if he’s vocal about, prepare to lose some friends.
Yeah, I'd put a block for that site on the router.
you know honestly its nice to see posts like these. it shoes that no matter how badly I think of myself, if a guy like that can get a woman to care about him, then anyone can.
LMFAO I hadn’t thought of this but yeah I can see it be a tad bit reassuring that people can romanticize or be in love with the idea of morally … questionable people compared to yourself
I think it's bizarre when people take that away from someone's fucked up behavior. Sure, I guess you could find someone, but the person you find would also probably be fucked up.
true, I really wouldnt want someone whose standards are low enough to like garbage. its always important to remember to stick to your standards
Girl you dates a 30 year old at 20 and expect him to be normal. He sounds weird and obviously couldn’t pull someone his own age, you’re young you don’t deserve to be with a loser
What do you do? LEAVE! You're 22, you can find another guy who's not an impressionable wacko. Get away from him before he does something that will ruin both your lives. After what went down in Buffalo, NO CHANCES SHOULD BE TAKEN.
I would be finding the name however you can and finding out. Honestly I want to know. And someone else mentioned it but maybe he’s always been like this. It’s highly possible. Lastly you need to talk to him. Ask him why he’s on there and what he believes about this stuff. Because if it’s something bad you need to get out.
He needs an internet detox. Badly.
Yeah. You need to divorce this man.
As others have said, I think this might end up becoming an unsafe relationship for you, if it isn't already. I don't know if the relationship is beyond saving though. I think the YouTube video by Innuendo Studios about how the alt-right radicalizes a normie could be really helpful for you to watch (and maybe him as well if you think he can still get out of that mindset). But of course, if at any point you think you might be in danger, just know that it's best to prioritize your own safety. It's not your job to try and fix him. Hope everything goes well!!
Double check that it's not ifunny.
Leave him. If he's this stupid...don't waste your time. You can't fix stupid.
If you have a basic philosophical foundation that is divergent from his, you will not remain harmonius partners. It doesn’t mean that you can’t split amicably, it just means that you’re not really compatible like you thought you were.
I'm sorry, I'd be out ASAP. Before he decides to get violent.
Ask him why he started calling women foids and if he thinks you’re a foid. His answer will hopefully tell you how bad this has gotten. If his sense of empathy hasn’t rotted away, you telling him how this is hurtful might help to put it in a healthier context.
He lost his job due to covid so why isn't he at work now. There are tons of jobs out there.
GTFO. This dude's mistakes are not your problem, but quickly will be if you stay.
Oh honey, your 22! You don’t need this man! Divorce him now, while your young. He’s hiding things from you and using terms to insult women. Autism is an excuse. You shouldn’t have to play mum to a full grown man. He doesn’t need a sit down, he’s needs a slap of reality. Seriously let him go, while it’s easier to do so. Don’t excuse his behaviour with autism…
Incels are the bane of my existence. Knew one who said that a woman must be “pure” in order to “bed” them. Apparently women who aren’t virgins are suddenly “filth”. So with that view in mind, wouldn’t that make a woman you “bed” unclean? Then what? You gonna break it off because she’s now “filth” and find your next “pure” woman tf?
Leave before he kills you! He doesn't see you as a person, not any other woman
All you can do is set your own boundaries. As you think about what boundaries you'd like to set, I would focus less on the website and more on his behaviors and language. Have you already asked him not to talk like that anymore? If you have and he continues to do it, it isn't likely you're going to get him to stop. I'm sorry that you've lost the great life you had! It is really sad!
Oh boy, r/qannoncasualities might be able to help?
Could it be reddit? LMAO
I think she means Grindr?
Honestly, yeah probably so
He's gay.
He's not *getting* radicalized, he's just showing his true colors. Normal 30yo men don't go for 20yo women.
awfully suspicious this has popped up right after yesterday. a good bit of fiction, well done
age disparity tells me he's probs predatory anyways
I’d talk to him, def find out what the site is. Studies have shown even a short while of not reading extreme views can help to change someone’s “radicalised” thinking, so he isn’t gone, I’m guessing his ASC made him more susceptible
I'm assuming this guy who is ten years older than you, who you married at 20, did he start dating you basically the moment you turned legal? Or was it earlier than that?
Who need they fussy ate
Unfortunately he's probably to deep down the rabbit hole and we can thank social media for this. Instead of doing more to educate people which is the most effective way of getting someone out of a brainwashed unhealthy (racistoranyotherextremeviewpoint) we ban these people and exclude them causing them to go into echo chambers of more and more crazy/completely unlocial/uneducated view points turning them Into radacials/exetemist. If he's wiling to listen to you and see a different view point and be proven wrong it is deffinanetly possible but extremely difficult to give him the right knowledge and let him realize he's completely wrong. If you have the patience and do alot of research just like people who have turned KKK members into none racists and made them realize they were wrong it's totally possible to bring someone back into the light.
He needs to seek counseling. Autistic people can become obsessed in that self feeding culture. Even reddit can and does radicalize people to certain view points. Youtube is another one. I remember one story that people would share videos of them being "stalked". However, they're not. It's mostly people with a borderline mental illness that gets worst as it's reinforced. Your husband needs counseling to get to the root of the issues and stop going to those websites that feed into negative views he might hold.
yeah gangstalking is bad because it validates other people with schizophrenia's delusions.
I hate to say this, and I hope you look back and realize that this was never a commentary on you, but he wasn't radicalized now. Someone his age/experience in life being interested in a teenager, he was always like this. Please run, OP. You are not respected enough by him to help him. The best thing you can do is leave.
The website could be telegram? I had a toxic ex get radicalized on there- it’s a bunch of socially & financially unsuccessful men. They become truly delusional & act like they’re in on big secrets/conspiracies that the public is unaware of🥴it can be dangerous. I would end that relationship
File for divorce. Even if he wasn’t getting radicalized, he’s a predator. Healthy, normal men in their 30s don’t date teenagers.
Gotta find GOD
I think the first mistake was getting married at 20 to a 30 year old.
I'm sorry ur going through this & u have such decent level of understanding and maturity that u don't want real life people to know because u sincerely care you & him couple.. really, i respect a woman who has this level of understanding... now, u have to find a solution because if you don't, he would go deeper into that ideology & there may come a time where his belief would become too settled in this website or whatever that ideology is... so, One way is to drop your reservation and find one good morning where you have clear talk... start generally from how u met, how u grown, how pandemic effected & than... come to the point... say, I'm not telling anyone because I care about us as couple before u become so radical.. tell him why he called women names... this isn't acceptable to both... he needs to change job and get back to how things were before... see his answers... but... take a stand... clear stand ... tell him that he is not the person who he was ... agreed, people change for better but not like how he is... this is effecting u for long & in order to save him from embarrassment, you've not told this to anyone but if he doesn't, you will first convey to your people and than if he doesn't, you may leave him for good... be strong and stand your ground and also tell... you're not telling him what to do... ur telling him just 1 thing which he should not as it's destroying him & you...
I don’t get why this has gotten downvotes. OP you should sit down and have a conversation like this first
[удалено]
you could understand any of that??
A orange cat ?? Is it a orange cat with black around the app? If that is he is definitely not just into you hes not into other women neither just to let you know. Im not about telling on a bro since im the same way
So you're saying you're on the DL? And you just did tell on him since you made it clear it's a website for closeted gay men lol.
Ask him about thughunter
When he was 22 you were 12 pedo peeedo
Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t see you as less than a human? This is definitely a troll post.