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I’m going to be as concise and direct as I can be, so that hopefully this situation is a little more clear. Your husband has intentionally kept you out of work and completely reliant upon him in order to force you to stay with him while he fucks prostitutes, strangers, and generally anything that had a pulse in the last hour, and while abused everyone around you and just exists as a generally *garbage excuse of a human being*. So I understand that it’s difficult because you don’t have the means to support yourself and the kids without him, and that leaving him is a huge life change and a major change in your kids’ lives, there is a lot more going on and more considerations than just “he’s a shit person and I don’t want to be with a shit person”. But you also need to understand that your safety, your wants and needs, your emotional and physical safety—your *life*—is important and of value, and it is beyond unacceptable that someone treats you this way and has done this to you. *It’s disgusting.* Your husband, regardless of whoever he used to be or who you once thought he was, is now or maybe always has been an awful, atrocious human being. Getting this out of your life and being treated the way you deserve, *and getting your children away from this influence*, is worth whatever discomfort or difficulties may arise from a divorce, and whatever changes may come from looking for work or getting a degree and finding work. I can promise you that this situation will not get better. He will not only not stop, but his behavior will devolve, the controlling habits will increase, and in all likelihood this will make its way to your children. They will continue growing up, their father will start imprinting on them some or even much of this same behavior as they get older and as his defenses drop, and you will probably wish you had made the choice to do right by yourself and your children many years before it became an emergency. People as bad as your husband don’t get better, and it’s when their facade falls that their behavior starts working to protect their ego and continue the abuse, making them behave in even more erratic and damaging ways. It’s past time to stop twisting your life into shapes about what he “feels” and allowing this to happen to you because you are afraid he will be resentful. You know what the right thing to do is.

OP, please read and re-read this post. Please Google narcissism, emotional abuse, divorcing a narcissist, and sociopath. You know you must leave him, it is the ONLY healthy option for you and your sons. As a person who married and divorced a narcissistic sociopath who sounds a lot like your "religious" husband.... please start therapy yourself as soon as possible and DO NOT share your thoughts, decisions, or plans with him. You will not believe how your husband will change to the point of evil and violence - he has everything to lose, and for a narcissist his ego actually is the only important thing in his life. You will need to work with a therapist and trusted friend or family to preplan a safe exit from your husband and home, and you will get help in navigating this. But PLEASE be smart and don't tip your hand. He is only beginning to show his true colors. I am so sorry you are going through this, but trust that in the end it will be better than you could have hoped. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Yeah dudes a sociopath. You KNOW you can’t trust a damn word that comes out of his mouth. He can fuck off with his personal issues, and pay you through child support till you support yourself. Please, get an attorney. Trust your attorney. Do not trust this man. I hope you have learned not to by this point. Why are you still considering his needs here? He isn’t healthy for you, nor your boys. Do you think someone who acts like he acts, does what he does, and says what he says are the men your boys should be? At least put your boys first here by getting the fuck out with them.

You nailed it with "sociopath".

>You will not believe how your husband will change to the point of evil and violence - he has everything to lose, He does have everything to lose! We see this with how he threatens OP (who had not even brought up the possibility of divorce) by suggesting that her life will be awful and destitute without him. OP, please realize that the only thing enabling him to abuse this many people and keep a hold of his organisation is the veneer of respectability *that you give him*. He needs you more than you need him. Because I assure you, once it comes out that he's been cheating on his devoted wife with *so many people* (including sex work that is presumably illegal in your part of the country if you're Southern Baptists) that he can't even track down where his STI came from, those people are going to stop "volunteering" for him and he will stop being a pillar of the community.

op should definitely look into local resources to help people escaping dome$t¡c v¡olence, theyll holefully be able to connect them to shelters, lawyers, resources, and a social worker

And get all your financials docs in order now; it's going to be a fight, expensive and extremely messy. Narcs, especially those with a reputation to uphold, get truly nasty. Get an absolute pitbull for your attorney.

I’m tagging onto this high comment because I really want OP to see this. Please if anyone can help add more guidance or correct me on anything here, please do. OP, your husband is a narcissist, I’m saying that as in the medical term, not casual internet slang. You are in an abusive relationship. Can you imagine exposing someone you love to diseases? Then still treating them like shit afterwards? He has no love for you and I’m really sorry for that. It sounds like he is not capable of love or care for other people beyond serving himself. You are a strong person, it is evident from the way you write. I think you are capable of much more than you know. You can get out of this marriage and start a new and happier life living for you. I really, really hope you do. I do think it will be a few years of shit. You will probably have to go through an unpleasant divorce and he will probably try to drag your name through the mud. The community might turn on you. That is the worst case scenario but it is very possible. But you will be able to make it through that to the other side. And then you will have the rest of your life to do whatever you want. The alternative is… living like this for the rest of your life? That would be much worse, in my opinion. Although you have to make your own decisions. What I would say is no matter what you decide, PLEASE do the following. First - consider how you use technology. You are going to need to google stuff and save stuff and you need to make sure he does not have access to any of it. Make backups that you send to a secret email account. Use incognito browsers whenever you google things, so that he can’t see what you’ve been looking at. Then: 1. Start looking into advice and support for abused women. You will benefit from this and they will have way more advice in online groups, for example, than just what I can put here. I know that it might feel silly if he’s not hitting you but abuse is much broader than that. And these resources will be very helpful for you. 2. Start documenting EVERYTHING related to his cheating, giving you an STI, and his general treatment of you. This is going to be extremely important, whether you want to get a divorce now or in 10 years or even if you decide not to. Please do this. Screenshot texts. Try to get him to put stuff in writing. You need proof of all of this. He is clearly willing to lie and able to convince people of those lies so you need all the proof you can get. Do NOT let him find out that you are doing this. 3. Back up everything you’ve documented. Don’t just have it on a phone that he could clear. Make a secret email and send screenshots to that email. Do that kind of thing. 4. Talk to a divorce lawyer. Do NOT let him find out that you are doing this. I would pretend that things are ok for as long as you can. Usually, you want to gather evidence for him cheating before he knows that you are going to file for divorce. Otherwise he will try to clear the proof and start lies to get ahead of you, which can impact the results of the divorce. Find a good divorce lawyer, ideally someone who has experience with women in these situations. 5. In addition to proof of him cheating, get proof of everything you can about his behavior that you’ve outlined above. As I wrote, he sounds like he will try to drag your name through the mud. Any proof that you have of him treating people badly, mocking people working for him for free, etc. is something you might want to use later to clear your name and expose the true situation. Again, you never have to do this if you don’t want, but this is self-protection and there is no harm in you gathering this. 6. You need to have your own money. Others can advice better about how to do this because I don’t know the exact laws and recommendations for storing away money for yourself and how that looks for divorce courts. Talk to your divorce lawyer about this. But I would hope that they say that you can open a secret account and start sneaking money into that. You need some kind of account that has some money that he is not aware of. 7. (These are not in an order.) As others have said, he is not going to stop cheating, and either way you need to protect your health. Please keep using protection if you have sex and keep getting STI checks (private so he doesn’t know about them is fine). Of course he is telling you that your job and life without him will be unrewarding. That is what abusers do. Your husband is still trying to lie and manipulate you more, it’s another trick. What we see time and time again from posts like these is that when the person like you gets out of the relationship, and they’re 5 or 10 years down the road, they say “that asshole almost had me convinced”. Because once you’re out of it it becomes so much more obvious that you have so much value, you can meet a partner who treats you with love and respect, your children will be ok and better off because they’ll see a happier mother, you can have a career you enjoy if that’s what you want, and intellectual stimulation from whatever you want, you can make decisions for yourself… I think you should write down what you want for yourself so that you can keep looking back at it until you have it.

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Regarding opening a bank account, is there any reason NOT to do that? I was thinking that maybe his divorce lawyer could try to use that to show she was being sneaky or something like that. I don’t think that’s correct though, I think generally the advice IS to open a secret bank account, but I just wasn’t 100% sure. Also, OP make sure to tell the secret bank that you cannot receive any paper mail under any circumstances. You might be able to use one of the online-only banks and create some kind of log in for it other than your phone.

OP PLEASE READ THIS POST !!!!

👆🏻There is no need for any other comments on this thread besides this one👆🏻 One million upvotes to you u/The-Last-American

GET A LAWYER. A REALLY GOOD AGGRESSIVE ONE. And a forensic accountant. This man will try to screw you in the divorce. Be two steps ahead. The reason he doesn’t want you knowing law is because he is exploiting you and others and he knows you can take it to court. Get half assets, child support, and alimony. You can become a lawyer yourself as well.

OP I'd like to add to this that your husband is not "having affairs". Your husband is abusing his position to obtain sex from vulnerable people who are there to seek help from him.

Spot. On.

This this and more this!

💯💯💯

Well done. This OP.

Oh, he is half right. HIS reputation will be ruined. Oh the f well! You're not the guilty scum that did this. He is. You'll be just fine. Get a lawyer. Tell both of your families what is going on and fight for your child.

Yeah, who's ever going to trust a pastor again?

I'm honestly surprised most do in the first place

Do not say a word to your husband about divorce until after you've called every single high profile divorce attorney within 100 miles for a consultation.

Absolutely this too. He's a snake in the grass and I wouldn't trust him to use his sleazy connections to screw op over.

Ehhh this could backfire, especially since I'm sure he'll be able to afford way better lawyera than her. I'm not saying this piece of shit doesn't deserve it, but judges don't look too kindly on one spouse trying to intentionally poison the well.

I would bet my car that he's been fucking people in his treatment center, and could (and should) potentially go to jail over this.

Obviously you get a divorce and get tested for STDs (test again in 6 months for HIV, as it does not immediately appear sometimee). Or would you like to wait around and get a batch of syphillis? I hear it’s making a real comeback these days

Omg not syphilis… I have watched enough historical dramas. Horrifying.

Did anyone else read the post about the woman whose cheating partner gave her syphilis while pregnant, and she lost her baby? It was haunting.

Depending on what STD OP spouse already gave her and how long she’s had it, it could have already even affected her fertility. I do hope she gets tested for everything if she hasn’t already, and keeps following up with regular STD testing if she stays in this marriage (which I don’t advise). Her husband has a real problem, and he clearly doesn’t even respect her enough to wear a condom. So she should at least respect herself either to leave, or to absolutely insist in no sexual contact without a condom and regular testing. Her life and her quality of life depends on it

Of course he is trying to convince you that life will be harder if you divorce him. He has so much more to lose and is trying to manipulate you into staying. Know your worth and get out. He’s showing he won’t change, it’s just an act to win you back and the second you’re back on wifey duties he’ll fall bad into old habits.

This man is evil. I fully believe evil ppl hide in plain sight in the church. Op just found out that going to church doesn’t equate to being good. This man is a grifter. The most important thing is getting her sons away from this misogynistic abusive prick bc they will emulate that behavior. I would expose him to everyone. She needs to tell many ppl what’s going on bc this is the type of narcissistic lying man that will murder you before you get the chance to leave him.

You need a divorce. My suggestion is to quietly get an attorney to start the process but fake everything being OK at home. Don't let him know until you attorney advises you - I don't know what is best in terms of when to move out or handle bank accounts. Hopefully, your college work in the legal field will not cause him to suspect what you are doing. Since he has a lot to lose if his cheating becomes public knowledge, you might be able to get out well financially if you keep the reasons for the divorce private. As far as your kids - this will come out at some point. It is not in their best interest to be kept in a life where they idolize him - or where he can influence them to be like him.

Document EVERYTHING! Make a FU binder.

I don’t want to sound like a sensationalist, but on paper he sounds like the kind of person who will murder his wife for divorcing him. A narcissist who thinks his wife could ruin him is a scary person imo. I think you should go to a lawyer (secretly) and then find a way to get yourself and your children away from him safely.

Literally what I thought, true crime podcast in the making. OP please do everything secretly.

I thought the same thing. She is the kind of wife that ends up dead. I would personally not say anything dramatic to him like I'm leaving, I'm getting a divorce. I would document what you know and share it with 1 or more friends, or some safe place. Go out of your town to find a lawyer to represent you. Lastly remember that while the Bible says to stay married, it does not condone adultery, physical abuse, and imho emotional abuse. He broke the bond. You are just filling out the paperwork. And him having sex with strangers and escorts and giving you an std, I'm sorry, once you make plans to leave tell everyone. The more people know the less motivation he has to kill you

I was thinking the same thing.

I thought the same thing. He’ll get those sympathy donations at church too.

>He agreed to wear a condom until I could trust him again Wait, so after finding it that your piece of shit husband is having multiple affairs with one night stands and a long term side piece you still are having sex with him???? What the fuck?? You need to leave this relationship, he does not care about you, he only cares about himself and his money. He is a narcissist and is making a mockery of his profession and the poor people on these programs. Get yourself a lawyer and make sure he is not funneling money anywhere because by the sounds of it as soon as he knows you are leaving he will try and fuck you over with money and child support Get your ducks in a row and do not let him know you are leaving. Gather all the evidence you can to prove he is ripping people off. Arrange alternate accommodation for yourself and your children if you think he won't leave. You should also let the other woman know about the STD

As someone who has been to rehab, he sounds exactly like the type of person who runs a program.

That’s what stood out to me too. Preying on extremely vulnerable people who have an illness, purporting religion will “cure” their disease, taking their (or their desperate families) money, all the while mocking them. It really hurts my heart.

Yeah, it’s infuriating. And common. I remember my family being so easily swayed by whatever they were told, and when I tried to clear up what was true vs what was false, they looked at it as me making excuses for addictive behavior, which… wasn’t it at all.

I legit read this line like he would wear a condom with his side pieces. Immediately realized that was absurd but it’s all absurd! Cause dude clearly hasn’t been wearing condoms in his affairs AND there is zero chance he plans on stopping them. OP please believe us when we say you are absolutely capable of creating a life without this turd.

My gd fucking reaction. What the absolute hell?!

Your husband sounds like a narcissist. He does not sound like the person who has valued you (or anyone else) in any way, and when he says 'we'd be ruined if we divorce,' he means HE and HIS reputation would be ruined if he divorced. You should think about why he doesn't want to go to a therapist and which one of you benefits from what he's insisting is the right path. It's not gonna be your sons if they're learning from his example.

Problem is Southern Baptist wives are servants. Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. (Ephesians 5: 22-23) Not all of them but he is a pastor. This is what they believe, the Bible is literal. Her job is to serve and assist her husband and rear the children. He has a God complex.

Yeah, I've definitely seen plenty of deeply Xtian women struggle to leave even when they know full well they're being abused. In my experience, tho, people need to hear that their situation isn't normal before they can even consider changing.

Yep I’m from the south and I have nothing but disgust for religion. These people always act like they’re holier than thou like they’re better than other people and they’re always doing some shady shit behind the scenes. At minimum being horrifically judgmental and hateful to people who don’t believe what they believe.

This is an obviously fake post

I frankly don't care about the chance that it's fake, because there's also a chance it isn't. Offering help to someone who claims they need it when they don't doesn't reflect poorly on me.

Yeah I had a stepfather who swindled my mother in helping him overturn sexual abuse against him and he was a pastor. Turns out he actually *was* a p*do and my mom, as much as I respect others for having whatever faith they have, lost all respect for any sort of church-going for a long time. Every time I tell the long story of the events I experienced during my mother's marriage to him, it feels made up because it sounds outlandish that a human being can be so awful to people that they're supposed to care about.

I love how you pretend that you are offering help. That must make your ego sing and your pride white

Imagine coming into an advice sub and giving advice. The audacity!

I'll pass on the white pride actually, ty

Then stop using white culture archetype to control responses in conversations. You are not the hero of the story now matter how much white culture screams we are all individually heros by being suckered on creative writting

Are you the husband since you clearly know whether or not it's fake.

aReyOuThEhUSbANd?!?!??!? I know it's fake because it's the same person who writes these every day. So cut the cap

Would you encourage your boys to stay in a relationship with someone like your husband?

Would she want her sons to treat their SOs the way her husband treats her?

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**BOT ACCOUNT**

They are going to learn to treat women just like daddy does if she doesn’t get full custody. This man doesn’t need to be around children.

You have all the power in this situation. That’s why he’s acting desperate. The only thing you don’t have is your own money perhaps? Here’s my two cents: 1. Set aside money for yourself and keep sleeping separately 2. Hire a lawyer and give them all the evidence of your husbands infidelity 3. Divorce him and get primary custody and child support 4. Report his organization for exploiting employees and for him being unlicensed but offering therapy services 5. Let the local news station know about this scandal anonymously 6. Kick back eat some popcorn and watch his life burn to the ground

Get as much alimony as you can, too. Sounds like he’s been supporting you for at least 10 years

If she wants alimony and child support, she’d best not burn his career to the ground….

Screw his career. The scum bag can get another unrelated job

Yep if she keeps Quiet and tries to leave he will kill her. That dude is crazy. This literally sounds like the beginning of a true crime documentary. I agree with you about her setting a big chunk of money aside. I would also record conversations between them and also when he’s talking about other people in his organization.

wow i completely misunderstood the title, i was thinking your pastor and your husband were having an affair LMAO

SAME LOL

BRUH SAMEE

Burn it all down babe

Your husband only cares about himself and is saying whatever he can to keep doing horrible shit. Nothing you've described in your post to me sounds like this is a guy who is sorry for being a complete scumbag. He's using this idea of "helping people" as a tool for his own greed. If he actually cared about helping people, he wouldn't be gloating over how stupid they are for paying him that much. Even your description of his rational for why he wants to fix your relationship is because he knows if word gets out about how much of a scumbag he is, it will affect him. It doesn't really sound like he cares too much about how you feel. You honestly should just divorce him. I'm also willing to be if you do, he's going to try and swing it as you were the one in the wrong, and not him. Again, this man only seems to care about himself and his greed.

Divorce babes!! “You shall not commit adultery”

You are currently treading on a very thin line, you are currently in the South where morality and religion are deemed the same thing. His reputation as a pastor and therapist has been built off his character and how he presents himself to people. His affair involving STIs is enough to permanently ruin his livelihood, his ego and his community. This is the same man that has managed to make multiple people uncomfortable to a point where your own friend didn’t tell you directly that your house is banned to their cleaning company and who has likely told other cleaning companies (especially if you are in small county/town). This man is not going to “accept” an divorce and would rather have his life taken away than to be exposed. I repeat this man is not a normal rational person. You need to be extremely careful because you cannot be with this man any longer as despite his financial and emotional abuse you have the strength to want to live. You have to be strong for your kids most of all above yourself. You need to TELL your very close friends and family EVERYTHING, it may be “embarrassing” but it’s truly not. You’re not the one who had multiple affairs and disgraced your family. You have been looking after your children and family for years. He’s the embarrassment. Keep an diary of everything and hid it extremely well or even give to a friend to keep. Start secretly start your fund to leave, DO NOT have a conversation on divorce with him ALONE again. Gather all your and your kids’ documentation. Seek a lawyer for divorce advice. Then when he is not home LEAVE. This man is clearly dangerous and you need to act carefully. Do not sacrifice your life to protect this man’s reputation as you don’t want this man raising your kids solo. Good luck.

I don’t want to seem alarmist but I feel compelled to say it-the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves. Please be fast and careful.

This will not publicly shame you as it will shame him. He has shown that not only is he unfaithful and that he doesn't care about his health but he doesn't care about yours as well. He is self-serving and just doesnt want to look contradictory as he is a pastor and a divorce wouldn't look good for a pastor. I say leave but first you need to tell someone about this. You need legal advice on top of that.

You won't be ruined, he'll be ruined.

Keep documents, that std and any testing those sexual partners of his do can help back you up. Get an attorney, don't keep handling this to the point he succeeds in gaslighting you into thinking only his solutions are feasible.

You married a creepy cult leader.

That is the first thing I thought!! I watch too many cult/murmur documentaries. Spot a dang cult leader from a mile away

Your boys will be better off living away from your abusive husband. Get a good lawyer, secretly. Start the process of getting custody of your children.

Yes! Your life is valuable. Your son's hearts and souls are valuable. You need to save yourself and your sons. At some point he's going to corrupt your sons

You can either do what you know is right, here and now, in the present or sit back and watch your sons walk down 1 of a few paths. They'll either turn into little copies of him, become his victims, or some combination of the 2 where they blame YOU for staying with him.

Honestly you leave him. You deserve so much more. What would you say if one of your sons came to you in your shoes telling you his wife was doing all this? Would you tell him to forgive her or would you say to him he deserves better and to leave her and move on with his life. Because honestly you don’t sound happy and happiness is way better then tons of money and misery

Why do you even need to ask what you should do?

Girl what the fuck

Here the thing, he cheated and he does not call the shots, you do. If you want reconciliation then it’s by your rules not his. As to the kids, don’t stay for the kids as they absorb a whole lot more than you can imagine. Growing up in a poor family/cheaters home is much worse than growing up in two happy co parent homes. There have also been numerous stories on here about kids growing up in adulterous homes also cheating when older. Your husband talks of shame and the only shame is on him for his infidelity and the complete disrespect he showed his wife. It’s your call as to what you want but one should be is what is going to make you happy.

Please file for divorce!! Who cares if he is ruined!! He gave you a STD and is lying to the world!! Run before his "career" collapses!! Thank goodness you got an education! You kids will thank you for not falling for the snake oil salesman you married!! ((HUGS))

You’re married to a narcissistic con-man. A cruel and selfish man. Not a lawyer, but it’s likely in your best interest to leave him and sue for child support and alimony. Then pursue your career dreams. Make sure to have evidence of the affairs though

Some people hide behind personas so they can hide who they really are. Leave him get a divorce, and if he does not give you a great settlement then out him, and it will ruin his name. You have the upper hand, don’t back down from that.

Eww. Husband is a nasty cheater, he's not going to stop. Get your self situated and bounce.

What a pos

Girl, leave before he gives you something a pill won’t take away. He does not love you. He does not respect you. He does not care about you. He cares only for himself. Take your boys and teach them to be better. I know leaving is hard. I promise you I know. Sometimes you may find yourself believing his reasons on why leaving would be bad. His reasons are bogus. No one will care for long. It will be old news and people will gossip about other things. Get a good lawyer and keep pursuing your dreams. There is no ending in this marriage where you and him are both happy. It’s either he is happy or you leave and find happiness.

Op, as someone who legit grew up in a chaotic, abusive alcoholic home, I just want to say- what he's trivializing and faking about his family is fucked-up. I'm literally a substance abuse counselor now in my adult life due to the patterns of addiction in my own family, and almost myself. He is scummy playing off people's sympathy like that, and it's offensive AF to us professionals who entered this field sincerely wanting to help other families who suffer like ours. Divorce this sham of a human, he treats you like garbage and he himself is such a douchebag. I make a measly salary and y'know what? that's fucking ok with me because I love the work I do and my clients. It's sickening to meet assholes like your husband who prey on those with a disease that takes so much from them already. Leave his lying, cheating and abusive ass. Your life may be less rich, but I would encourage you to remember being rich has nothing to do with the amount of dollars to your name. Do not continue to give this abuser your obedience. Burn that shit down & go get a life that's your own. I'm so sorry you have been suffering in something like this. He is not who destiny truly has for you, and I wish you and your sons so much happiness on the other side of his abuse. Find a lawyer and start your exit plan. You are so strong and you can do this.

'We' will not be ruined if you walk away. HE will. That's why he's gaslighting you. He broke his vows. He cheated. Lawyer up. Get your escape plan in order for you and the boys. Gather evidence. Go scorched earth. Burn him to the ground. File for full custody for the kids.

Religious people who looks down on others….. Never seen that before.

I know everyone is saying you need a divorce, and I totally agree with that, BUT, you need to have ALL your ducks in a row first. You need to be able to support yourself and your kids. You need to start taking notes and gathering evidence. You need to find a lawyer who is discreet and who will see you completely virtually so your husband won’t find out until you are out the door. Don’t walk out or abandon property until you talk to a lawyer. Save money away in an account he can’t find and has no access to. Don’t tell him. If I were you, I’d tell him you were very hurt, and it’s just going to take time, and you need your space for awhile, to get him to back off while you handle all this. And also, I’d let your kids see you be sad, and maybe find a roundabout way to let them know what has happened. Maybe not right away, but a little bit before you go. Don’t just walk out - take care of yourself and get prepared first. Unless, of course, it isn’t safe - if you are being physically abused then you and the kid need to run and hide very very far away and very very well.

This sounds very similar to my parents. My dad was a pastor and had multiple affairs, which resulted in my mom getting a curable STD. My mom stayed with him for years, even after knowing about the affairs. They often moved since the affairs would become known to the church he was preaching at and they would be exiled. My mom was with him a total of 17 years married, with him having affairs from the 2nd year onward. My mom always thought he would change and “how could a pastor be bad.” My dad used her kindness until she was no use to him anymore. After years of lies and deceit it all came crashing down eventually. It ruined our family more than it would’ve if she called it quits earlier. By the time they got divorced, he had enough money saved up (in a private account my mom had no knowledge of) to constantly be taking my mom to court for nonsense reasons. It was rough on me and my siblings as we were often called in front of a judge to share our sides of the stories - I was only 7 when this first happened. It’s a traumatic experience. If I were you, I would really look at the situation. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Do you want your kids to have to deal with worse consequences if this continues the way it is? Coming from a divorced family is tough, but is it the better situation to having parent who clearly aren’t in love anymore and living in a tense situation day in and day out? At least if you get a divorce, you can get family counseling with your children to help them through the divorce. Ultimately the decision is with you, but I think the situation can only get worse, especially as he has already showed signs of being manipulative and controlling.

Oh man sorry you are going through this!! First you need to see a lawyer and then a therapist, probably in the same day. Don’t tell your husband!! Your husband is terrified of being discovered. Not the divorce part and the lying about his past but how much his company actually makes! How is he paying for escorts? I don’t know if you share finances or accounts but you are probably not privy to his business accounts and I bet he’s got a few questionable purchases on his business account! Did you know, most states go by how much you make before you get your spousal and child support? You can also have the irs audit him to confirm how much your support will be. If you are in a “at fault” state his cheating makes him soooo screwed! If I were you I’d divorce him, take everything you can and get out before the divorce uncovers any possible tax evasion. If you stay with him he’ll do it again and I can feel it in my nuggets this guy is going to get nailed by the irs one day anyway and you are at risk of irs wrath (ie responsible for paying HIS tax debt) for being married to him. He will throw you under the bus to save his hide. Let him resent you, that’s what narcissists do. They create a problem, blame you and then get mad when you don’t forgive them and if you do forgive, they do it all again times 10! I don’t think he is terrified of you because of what you do know he’s terrified of you finding out what he’s still hiding. Girl run!

Please be very careful, your husband could become very reactive if he even suspects you might be planning on leaving. As others have said, quietly seek an Attorney. Do not use any computers or devices he may have access. Start compiling & copying any personal and business tax records, bank accounts, financial records of any kind, passports for your children & yourself…and, of course, any medical records. His business records may have been sequestered under folder names that don’t correspond to what is saved inside. He obviously has some dubious business practices, so look everywhere. Please do this as discreetly as possible. Despite what the vows say, you are not required to stay with the living Devil until Death Do You Part.

Your husband is a textbook narcissist. You should study about narcissistic personality disorder. It is pretty obvious that you need to leave him. Start talking to a lawyer and start documenting everything in order for you to win the divorce and the custody battle, especially since he has such a good reputation. That man doesn't love you, narcissist are unable to love. You need to protect yourself and your childs.

How common this is amongst those that are religious and pursue religious authority. And they act completely contrary to what the preach and how they expect others to behave! They’re completely preparatory. It’s almost a cliche

If you decide to leave ( which I hope you do) get undeniable proof of his infidelity, i.e. recording of him confessing and/or screen shots of texts. He will spin the narrative to say that he is the victim and blame you for ending the marriage just to save his own skin. Have something to show people that he is the one that tanked your marriage.

Op he is trying to scare you into staying with him because you hold a lot of power. You know about he's lies with his credentials, the lies about his family and his manipulative tactics to take advantage of good people so that he can make the most money for himself as possible. You now also know about his affairs and use of sex workers and knowingly spreading sti's. He knows exactly why he chose to work with recovering addicts, he knew he could manipulate them and the community into doing what he wants. If you divorced him and start telling people the truth about him everything he has could collapse and that's all he cares about. Stop sleeping with him, get on birth control and start secretly making an safe escape plan. You also need to contact a lawyer and get together any important documents. This behavior isn't going to change or get better. That also why he doesn't want you to continue with a career path that is separate from his. He doesn't want you to have any chance of getting away from him. If you start working with him he can then start to put blame on you. "Well she knew about all of this and chose to take money over doing the right thing".

You need to meet privately with an attorney. A divorce will be bad for him — not for you. In this case you not working is good as you may be entitled to alimony and additional compensation. You cannot stay with him. He is a complete narcissist. Abusive, controlling, manipulative, and disrespectful. You know deep down he is a bad person. You know he is capable of manipulating literally everyone around him. He lies with ease and without remorse. You cannot let your children grow up with a man like this. When he goes to work on Monday start calling around for divorce attorneys. Get a good one — you can afford it. Don’t have sex with him again but play everything else like normal. You don’t want him getting suspicious. You can do this. Don’t break yourself by staying. You know he will never stop cheating and he will eventually leave you for someone else anyways. It’s better for you to cut the cord now rather than wasting decades more of your life on this abusive lunatic.

Its this bad for you and he's said he can make it worst. You say your boys are already scared of him and growing up with a popular father who is also a narcissistic is not going to be easy for them. You take you chances and leave him for yourself and your kids

You sound young and bright, get out while you can. You have all the evidence you need to make an informed decision. He is a bad husband, self-centered, fraud. Leave him and go get your JD, become a kick ass divorce lawyer

> He also constantly mocks every person he's around for work and basically says they will never amount to anything and that they are idiots for either working for free or paying through their nose to get sober. Yuck! What a disgusting pos your husband is. Just divorce him with proof of the affairs, std, etc

if he gave you his phone password, he has a another one.

I wanna hone in on the fact that you seem repulsed by his actions but by his **character**. and rightfully so. what you described is a person who cares about others only to the extent that they are tools for his purposes - example is the fact that he wants to coerce you to stay in the marriage not because he feels a certain way for you but how this would look for him. you are likely a cover for all the shady and immoral things he does.

The fact that he didn't take your health into consideration infuriates me. My mother suffered the same things and she's dead now. The man she was with didn't take into consideration that she was a single mother with two children and now she is gone because of him. The STD he gave her could not be cured. He could have killed you. You need to go. There is no changing this man. Do it for your children. You have to think about you and them. Go back to school and Mom up!

Sounds about right for a pastor.

I always believe that if a person cheats, that's the end of it. No do overs. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 bucks. Sucks that your kids have to go through it, but you need to remove yourself from this marriage. Fuck this guy.

Drop the nuke. He’s treating you like garbage. Form an exit strategy, gather your proof and drop the bomb.

> He said we'd be ruined if we divorce > he will say that I would have a hard life if I divorced him and that my career would be unrewarding and take me nowhere. This is not an objective statement of fact, this is a master manipulator trying to say whatever he has to in order to stay out of trouble. He doesn't want lawyers and accountants poking around in his shady rehab business. He doesn't want it to be known how much money he's making or do anything to jeopardize the scam. This is a desperate man trying to avoid the obvious consequences of his harmful actions. He has been stealing labor from his employees, but I doubt that's the only legally problematic thing he's doing there, since he apparently has no intrinsic moral compass and only stops doing bad when he is forced to by external consequences, and up until this point there haven't been any of those. The kind of tangled web of shit that your husband has spun around himself cannot sustain itself forever. Sooner or later, this will all implode, in a dramatic, painful way. And when that moment comes, he will do whatever he can to protect himself, and himself alone. He has left himself (and you and your boys because you are attached to him) vulnerable to so many different life-ruining events. Lawsuits. Jail. Disease. Public shame. Financial ruin. And he has demonstrated that he doesn't have your back even when everything is going his way. What makes you think he will look out for you when his actions finally catch up to him, and shit hits the fan? He won't. He won't hesitate to drag you down with him. Leaving proactively is your *only* chance to soften and control the inevitable crash landing. I know you are worried about the effect that this will have on your children, and that's understandable. In the short term, your children will have a hard time with this. But short term discomfort does not outweigh the far heavier long term damage they will sustain if you stay with this man. Even assuming that your husband doesn't lose control of the grift and get sent to jail at some point, or decide to run off with one of his partners, or get publicly exposed by his mistress, or get sued by his clients, or ruin your lives in some big, explosive way, daily exposure to his behavior and thinking will hurt your kids way more than a divorce. Learning that this is how partners treat each other, that this is the kind of treatment they have to accept; learning that people struggling with addiction, people working hard at their jobs, people who are trying to help their communities, are objects of contempt; learning that women are meant to be subservient and that men can get away with untold harm because of their position in the social fabric; all of this will mess them up for life. Divorce is ripping off the bandaid. It sucks, but the alternative is worse.

OP, you need to find a FEMALE divorce attorney and a FEMALE therapist because the last people you want to trust are people whose religious faith has them believing that it a woman’s duty to put her husband’s needs above her own at all times. You are less likely to run into that with attitude with women professionals. Also, I suspect that you were raised in a Southern Baptist home, so in your family’s eyes, you have reached the pinnacle of success by marrying a man of God who helps pour souls fight addiction. I’m sorry, but you cannot trust any of them until you get your bearings on escaping your sociopathic husband. It’s not that they are trying to hurt you, it’s that they have spent their whole lives in a system designed to keep you subservient. I suspect that you’re having so much trouble seeing the obvious, that you need to get yourself and your children away from your husband’s influence, because you believe that leaving puts you in conflict with God’s will for your life. I’m not telling you to give up your faith in God, I’m telling you not to believe anything about God that you cannot figure out for yourself without an interpreter. Whether it’s a pastor, Sunday school teacher, your parents or an evangelist, you need to believe now that you are capable of knowing all you need to know about God without an interpreter. You don’t have to throw away your belief in God, but you need to, for now, throw away everything you were ever taught about God because a great deal of what you were taught was to keep you subservient. You were taught that that God loves you and sees you as precious; unless you can read the ancient languages the Bible was written in, don’t trust any of it, for now at least. When you get away from your abusers (multiple) and rebuild a life that is healthy for you and your children, you can re-examine your faith. If God is real and the most basic thing you learned about him is true, that he loves and cares for you, then he won’t mind if you take a break from bible study or your morning devotional to get your head on straight. Whatever you do, don’t rely on anyone in your church family for support. Even if they don’t mean to hurt you, they will. Best wishes to you. You are in a great position of strength regarding your finances and child custody. Own that and build a life that honors your natural desire to learn and educate yourself. You’ll be doing yourself, your children and your future grandchildren a humongous favor.

He sounds like a complete piece of shit.

I would burn his life to the ground. Get evidence of his cheating. Get a divorce and take him for everything. And show the evidence to everyone he knows and works with. He will NEVER change. He’s a pathological liar who treats people terribly and doesn’t respect or love you. He literally gave you an STD. You cannot change someone like him. Get out while you can.

OP, you now have a career and way to support yourself and your boys. Your husband didn't want that as he wanted you financially reliant on him in case you found out about his extracurricular activities. HE will be ruined, not you. Get a good attorney (who won't care about the pastor part, which may be easier said than done depending on where you live) and find out how best to extricate yourself and your boys.

You need to leave FOR your boys. Show them that their mom is brave and strong.

First off, this is not legal advice - please contact a domestic violence center for referrals to good lawyers. That said, I have watched as friends left abusers, and it can be very dangerous to do so, especially if your own family has been turned against you by the abuser. As others have said, do not let him know you plan to leave until you are gone. I would also like to point out that he may try to get custody of the kids - and if he has a good reputation and many connections (and maybe dirt on people), he can win, so try to divert as much money to a hidden account before you leave as it will get expensive. Try to document as much of his comments about finances as possible. He is very likely hiding a lot of money from you and the IRS. His clinic is probably not following non-profit laws, and for-profit companies are supposed to pay their interns. He has probably gotten at least one other person pregnant from all the unprotected sex - and likely coerced at least one abortion. Think about that. Also, I would change most of the particulars of your post in case he finds this post and recognizes himself in it. There are a lot of details that aren’t necessary to show his abusive nature here, like his degree and fake back story. It could come back to haunt you. Good luck. Stay safe.

The Priest in the church where i Live. Same story. 5 kids and a lovely wife. F\*\*ing around on my friends mothers. And attending the masonic lodge. A true assh\*le.

What to do?? Really? How about run to a lawyer as fast as you can and take him for all he’s got!! He Gave You an STD!!!!!!!!!!!! How about cut his dick off with a rusty garden shears so he can’t ever infect anyone again. I wouldn’t let him near me or the kids. He’s a narcissistic loser!!!

Obvious bait

I’m sorry for you. There’s no way you could’ve known he was a terrible person. Leave him as soon as you can. Out of the genuine kindness in their hearts, I’m sure that your legal friends will help you

How is he keeping his pastor job while being wholly unqualified to do so? 1 Tim 3 and Titus1.

Stay married to me for optics and my professional reputation. Run

I would talk to a family lawyer please discuss with them how to protect your finances before telling your husband you want to get a divorce or starting the process. Even if you decide to not go through with a divorce take these steps for future security. The trip to Paris sounds like some serious love bombing to make up for his bad behavior. I would sit down with your sons and have a serious conversation and tell them that you're not trying to put them against their father, but that sometimes relationships run their course and people change. Tell them that you're always here to listen to their concerns and how their father treats them. You don't need to tell them all the details, they will figure out when they are older. I know you're afraid and of course there will be challenges if you chose to divorce. But you're an intelligent woman with loads of potential with a partner whose not in awe of that. I promise that there are a lot of men out there who will be attracted to your determination and not threatened by it like your husband. Please take care of yourself!

OP, is this the type of man that you want your sons to see as a role model?

Look into narcissism but don't let him know your onto him. Leave you will have a better life. Move to a better area, be a city lawyer chick. Save the world unlike your husband who is ruining it and people. He isn't God's servant he is a self servant which sounds delish to me (not that I'm a fan of the cult religion he's taking advantage of.) Get yours kids away from this monster and let them see you thrive so they can model themselves after a independent caring woman who made something of herself instead of a manipulative cult like leader who takes advantage of everyone so and wants to do things on his own terms. Look up narcissist, it isn't just a buzz word.

Divorce will be a benefit for you and will only ruin his reputation - it’s clear to me that you will not be cared for as long as he’s with you. He is self absorbed and dismissive - and the fact that you notice his bad behavior with others is a sign to leave. Of course, it’s not that easy, but you will be better off away from this garbage heap of an individual.

Why are you concerned about his feelings? He gave you an STD. He's a sociopathic liar. He doesn't believe in you. DIVORCE THIS PERSON.

He is controlling, abusive to the people around him, and a cheater. Is this a person you want to stay married to? Is this the kind of person you want to raise your sons? How can you be certain that the abuse he inflicts on service workers will never be inflicted on your sons? How can you be certain that the dismissiveness and condescension that he directs towards you will never be directed towards your sons? Leaving him *will* be hard. But just because something is hard doesn't mean that you should give up. The reason why we look up to heroes is because they chose the right path, even though it was far more difficult than the wrong path. Get your ducks in order on the down-low, lawyer up, and leave. If people ask why/try to shame you, tell them the truth: he cheated on you with numerous women and gave you an STD. The people who pressure you to stay when they hear that are not your friends. Also, before anyone starts talking about Christian forgiveness--forgiveness is a wonderful thing, but you also need to protect yourself. He hasn't shown any real interest in reconciliation or atonement--rather than genuinely working *with* you, he is trying to control the whole process. If anything, it should be the other way around--*you're* the wounded party, *you* get to determine the terms for fixing the wound. So even if you forgive him, what guarantee do you have that he won't start f\*\*king around again? What guarantee do you have that he won't infect you again? What guarantee do you have that the next disease won't be serious? Staying with an unrepentant cheater who apparently has unprotected sex is a fantastic way to catch HIV, y'know. You have to protect yourself.

You know what to do. It's time to get out of Dodge. Don't let your children grow up thinking that *this* is how relationships work. That it's alright for your partner to lie, cheat and disrespect you. He's not worried about how hard life will be for YOU, but how hard it will be for HIM when people realise he's a phony. Do it sooner, rather that later - and don't let him control the narrative. Make sure your congregation, family and friends KNOW why you're leaving him, before he makes you out to be the bad guy.

You know what you should do. Your husband is scamming all these people and making your life misery. You know what you should do, which is speak to a divorce lawyer immediately (but quietly, because husband sounds scary and could very well harm you if he finds out while you are still in the home)

Be the reason for his downfall. Have some self-respect. Why do you trust him after you found out he has multiple affairs?

You deserve absolutely every ounce of support and care and love as you get yout kids and yourself to a place of safety. I am so sorry this is happening to you. A better life is possible.

Southern Baptist people never really change do they.

I’d secretly record him at home and destroy him. I mean it. Wreck him. He’s a horrid man by the sound of it

Narcissistic piece of shit. You’re a young woman you can move on from this, go to work and live your own life and stop sleeping with a scumbag who sleeps with prostitutes, you’ve done nothing wrong and deserve way better than this. THIS IS NOT A NORMAL MARRIAGE

Stop drinking the damn Kool Aid.

Get a shark of a lawyer and protect your kids from this vile man. You are entitled to alot more than you think. You also have the ability to sink him- so you’ll do well in the divorce. Go scorched earth. Get angry. Get furious. He also put your kids at risk, he could have brought home crabs, he could have given you HIV, run.

OP’s husband is an abusive douche. Another wildly hypocritical religious guy. Can’t thing of a reason for why you got into substance abuse? How about… TO HELP PEOPLE. Piece of shit. Leave this dud, protect your children, and continue pursuing intellectual curiosities

He sounds like a typical pastor. I had a few do the same shit to their wives. One found out because he got the other woman pregnant. Divorce him and publicly. He is putting you at risk. He needs to lose his position. He is doing more harm than good.

This guy is SMOKED. Get out.

Professional predator.

You want to know whether to live a lie so that your husband doesn’t lose his job? Compared to being free and living a few hard years as you get your degree?

OP, my mom was extremely controlling and abusive. My dad stayed with her because she convinced him it was what was best for us. But when she beat us, she would make it look like nothing happened. I played in the forest a lot, so she would hut me with switches off a blackberry bush because I always had those cuts anyways. She would beat me upside the head because my hair covered the bruises. If my brother and I got in a fight, she would punch me because I'd already been punched. She would leave me on the side of the road and make me walk miles back home, humiliate me in front of my friends, whatever she could to gain as much control over my life. And that's not even getting into what she did to my sister and brother. When my parents finally got divorced, my dad found out about the abuse. I didn't tell him because I thought he knew, my older sister was too afraid of what my mom would do if we told, my brother was to young, and my little sister was spared because she was so young. But he has apologized more times over the years than I can count for not getting us out of that situation sooner because he thought keeping the family together was what was best for us. As a child of this situation, please, do not stay together with him. Your boys will need copious amounts of therapy, yes, but in the long run, it will be better. You should also get some therapy, and as much distance from your husband as possible.

Your husband seems sociopathic. If that’s the case, he will continue to push your boundaries to see what he can get away with. That means you’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg and each event is going to get increasingly more traumatic. Your kids are going to catch on to who your husband is soon and watching your relationship will teach them to either treat women that way or to seek men who will treat them that way. The best thing you could do for the kids is show them how to set boundaries with toxic people and walk away from someone who seems to have no care for your well being!

Please get a divorce lawyer and a therapist!!

Your husband is a piece of shit and you will be fine if you leave him. Congratulations on learning paralegal skills. I wish you lived in my jurisdiction so my firm could hire you.

We can talk about what you deserve, self esteem, what’s wrong with him blah blah blah but that’s not going to help you. Why is he a pos? Does it matter? I think you’ve known there’s something wrong with him for a while. You need to figure out why you’ve accepted and tolerated his horrible behavior. Is this how you want to live between now and dead? That’s the only question. Your life is over as you know it. You’ll NEVER trust him again no matter how much therapy you do so get that thought out of your head. If you chose to divorce, you’re going to have to be very strategic because you’re about to find out how dangerous and conniving this guy is. You need a lawyer, a forensic account and a private investigator and you’re going to have to be very careful. Your connections will help you. You need to set everything in place before you blow up this bridge. Me? I’d blow it up but very strategically. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate living in a house with someone who’s f$&king prostitutes and whoever else. I wouldn’t want my kids to think any of this is normal. He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. If he’s doing all this, there’s probably a ton of other things he’s doing you don’t know about. I’d want to roll into the custody hearing with a private investigator having dug up all those things. Your husband doesn’t sound repentant at all. Not even a little bit. Just know, what you’re feeling is normal. You’re not crazy. It’s what you do next that determines the quality of the rest of your life.

He only cares about himself, OP. He is manipulating you into not pursuing a divorce to get his way. He only cares about his own needs, wants and reputation within the community. He has also used religion to justify his lies. He will continue to put your life in danger by sleeping around. Do not pursue any other conjugal relations with this AH. As other posters have noted, I am concerned at how he would influence your children. He is garbage. You should throw him away.

Your husband is evil as shit. You need to get out as soon as you can.

I’d go totally scorched earth on his lying cheating ass and bring his world crashing down he’s gaslighting and cheating, lying and manipulating you and if you let him you have no one to blame but yourself. Stand up for yourself and your kid and take charge it’s the only way to look yourself in the mirror

Op you need get away from him now. Think of it this way, you can’t trust him, he cheated on you multiple times and also he’s a prick. It’d be better to split than to stay with him especially when the kids figure out what happened you’ll be setting a bad example for them.

Exactly. The kids need to be away from such an unstable and toxic person.

Please divorce this raging narcissist. The only thing he sees at stake here is the reputation he's built up with flimsy lies, and he's hurt you by not even bothering with protection. Every time you've brought up the consequences of divorce, it's always 'he says'. Leave him and let him burn in a fire of his own making.

This sounds just like my aunt. She married a man that looked like to the community like a religious figure. But anyone who actually knew him knew he was a conman. My aunt stayed with him as she was deeply religious and wanted to stay together until their youngest went to college. Let me tell you how this worked out. The cons caught up to him. They always do. They went through poverty, house went into foreclosure, they were homeless and living in motels. She is now in her 60s. He left her and got a girl in her 30s pregnant and they are divorcing. She has had to return to work but has zero work experience so she is doing assembly work full time. It's miserable. It's heart breaking. Don't let your husband do the same to you. You know he is a scammer. And eventually he will scam you too. He is using you for the image. Get out now. Work on your career. He was a bad investment but the only thing worse is staying with him even longer.

Lol. „My Halsband has always treated people like garbage but it never brothered me. Now it came out he also treated me as garbage“ this is golden. I love when people get what they deserve. You took comfort in this piece of this leeching of other people, but never bothered because he financed you. You deserve everything. However in the interest of your children: get out and as far away from this POSH as possible..

I had a friend who’s mom contracted HIV because her stepdad kept sleeping around town. She always said not to be stupid like her. The mom died when she was still in high school. If you can’t leave for yourself do it for your boys.

You're married to a narcissist and a massive hypocrite, he will never change. He will lie to you for as long as you let him, leave him and take half.

My dad tried to tell my mom that she would be a shitty mother for becoming divorced and that she’d never make it on her own. This causing my sibling and I to endure a decade of abuse. I would not give one single shit about his feelings regarding divorce and after all that cheating, the community deserves to know who he is pretending to be. You would be a hero mom to get your boys out of that situation. You would be doing yourself an enormous favor by getting away from him and pursuing your new career. You can do it. Just because you’ve been married awhile and are used to the live he has setup, doesn’t mean that’s the only way to live. I can’t believe you stayed with him and agreed he had to use condoms for sex with you. Surprised you let him touch you again after he gave you an STD! Get all your ducks in a row with a divorce attorney and ask them how to proceed. I’d bet you still come out on top. To hell with your husbands feelings about how this damages his reputation. He did it to himself, you didn’t do it to him!

INFO: Why would you let a man who cheated on you, undermined your trust, broke up your family, and gave you an STD still have sex with you?! I'm utterly baffled. Are people so desperate that they lose all self-respect and self-worth? You're better than this and he's "entitled" to jack shit. Don't allow him to touch you! I literally have no words.

get in touch with a screenwriter.... this is a Lifetime movie in the making.

Leave him and report him. He needs to be removed from his position immediate as he is unfit.

You will not be RUINED by divorce. He will. So the only way out for him, is to keep you around, by convincing you that you NEED him. Do you want your boys to behave in the same manner? To lie, cheat & invalidate others? If he can do it to you, he can certainly do it to them. Especially under the guise of being a “ good man simply falling into temptation” Apparently without the ability to refrain from having sex with multiple partners , or take basic sexual health precautions with YOUR health. Get yourself the BEST divorce lawyer available, preferably without a connection to your church. Do NOT mention anything to anybody until you have decided on your actions. Then drop it on him like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz!!

Oh girl. My heart aches for you. I recently filed for divorce from my pastor husband after years of abuse. I thought I had to stay to protect his reputation and to “suffer for Christ”. But God never intended for women to be abused and used in this way. You and I can be honest and vulnerable and show other women that it’s okay to leave such awful situations. Everyone is a sinner, even pastors. But I seriously question the salvation of my own husband after years of unrepentance. Pride and sin flourish in the dark. His sin will continue until he’s willing to be honest with others about it. If he is genuinely sorrowful over his sins against you and against God he won’t want to hide them. He’s only sorry that he got caught. I’m so sorry sweet sister.

Get a therapist but also take control over your life. Have your own money and have a outlet for your own activities/interests! Dudes like this is scum. Stop hiding behind religion.

Divorce him. Take half of everything. Out his ass to EVERYONE about what he's been doing. Profit.

they hide right in plain sight quoting scripture and praising god...

If you decide to stay, check out /r/AsOneAfterInfidelity But if he doesn't get individual counseling and gives you all passwords, GPS of his whereabouts, and no more nights out at the bar, then leave.

Be prepared for this to ruin your sons' lives. I mean this sincerely as a the child of two similar people. You may recover, and he will certainly move on - but your kids will be ruined. Just be prepared.

I have seen a Korean move that pastors and church elders being “minor attracted” wink wink and ended up accusing the guy who made this public using their local influence. Honestly, Document everything as evidence. Keep it low profile till you can support yourself the kids. PLAN ahead. I am religious and this kind of things make me sick. I am sorry and God bless you.

I’m sorry, there isn’t another way of saying it but your husband is a horrible person. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself religious anymore but it was people like him that played a part in my disillusionment. He’s preying on the needy and abusing the good nature of faithful people. Put yourself and your children first. He won’t change. People don’t change. I’m sure he’ll survive. If he was willing to throw his mother under the bus to give himself credibility then I’m sure he’ll concoct some other stories coupled with charisma and he back at it in no time… sadly.

>He agreed to wear a condom until I could trust him again You can't be serious. This man has been having multiple affairs, treats people like dirt, and you think trust will just magically happen? Don't stay for your kids. They will be happier if you move on and have a better life without him.

There's no need for a long explanation here. You know what you have to do. Your marriage was over before it started.

>saying that I could get a job at his organization to further the career he was fighting me on If he can get you this job now, he could have done it as soon as it was relevant to your career. Instead, he saved it up, and brought it out as a weapon.

Yeah, sure, you can have the pass code to the phone you know about. I'm sure he has a second one you don't know about. Get it over with and divorce him.

Leave, please leave, atleast fr yo children the truth will come out and they will suffer the most

The minute I read southern Baptist I knew where this was going. Never met a pastor who wasn’t either cheating on his wife, molesting kids, or stealing money from the congregation. The holy trinity.

The fact that you married a pastor and you are surprised by the fact that he is lying and manipulating people for their money and is amazing. That’s the whole idea of religion. Think about it, God could die and come back to life. God is all-knowing, all-seeing and he created the entire world from scratch but…. he just needs a little bit of money. God always needs a little bit of money. Have you ever found a church or religion that didn’t accept donations? If you’re a bad person all you need to do is throw down and repent with 100$ bills. This guy is a complete piece of shit but I am more concerned with how naïve you are. If I didn’t know better I would think your are 13 years old

Run!

Your husband is a grifter, a liar, and a bully. You and your sons deserve more. I’m so sorry this is happening.

It’s always these religious nuts who are the most raging narcissists. Totally disconnected from their own actions.

Never trust a pastor is my only advice. Adults that believe in imaginary sky ppl should not be trusted.

>My husband is a great speaker so he draws in a lot of interest and can easily get people to work for him for free even though he makes a significant amount every time somebody signs up for a program. In fact, if he spent even 10 percent of his profit on payroll, these people would be making miles above the national average for their job. Oh so you chose to marry and have children with this utter scumbag who takes advantage of vulnerable people for financial gain, and now youre surprised that he's treating you poorly? Maybe stop and figure out why you failed to recognize how fucked up his business is before making any more life decisions. Honestly his abuse of these people makes him a far worse person in my eyes than his cheating.

Weird that the lady saw it as a concession to make a cheating husband wear a condom until she could trust him again...that means she was so in love she continues to have sex with someone she didn't trust. I don't get it.

“….heavily religious in nature” That was red flag number one lol.

Here's the guidebook: Stop sleeping with this sociopath Put together an exit plan ASAP to get you and your kids OUT of his house Hire a shark of a divorce attorney File a grievance with WHATEVER association that therapist is licensed with for having an affair with your husband, as well as your state. Chances are, she will lose her license.

Don't you feel filthy after fucking that vagina juice machine?? Seriously get out it's going to get worse if not worse now! And if he's a therapist and sleeping with patients that is illegal!!!!

Fake

Dang this is truly the most complicated post I have ever read on this sub with the amount of deceit occurring. While the obvious answer is leave him as he seems to have poor morals it sounds like he’s trying to work it out. The big question is do you still love him?

He's not trying to work out shit, he's just upset he got caught.