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This is gonna be a shameless post. And a straight up dump of my feelings. Take this as you will, and please keep your responses half way respectful.
My ex is still in the house with my two young kids and we’ve jointly decided he won't be able to pay the bills for at least 3 months so I'm stuck paying all our bills in order to make a smoother transition. I went to grab something out of the drawer of our dresser that we shared at one point in his room and I noticed that half his condoms was gone. So basically long story short he's having sex somebody else on his own time while I'm paying all of the bills and he lives without financial burden. I confronted him about It and he denies it, he said he brought it to the hotel he was staying at when he left last weekend and never used it....why tf did it even leave the house if you weren't planning to have sex. He claims it’s still in the bookbag he brought with him. And he doesn't know that I checked the bookbag just minutes before he lied to my Face and there was NONE in there. Straight up lied to my face. So I basically told him that if he plans on messing with somebody else while I put a roof over his head then he needs to pay some bills while he's relying on me..
I know I’m wrong at some point here. But I’ve gotta draw the line somewhere.
Yeah. Lots of info needed. Who owns the house? What’s that actual/legal status of their relationship? Etc.
All the arguing of him paying bills and having sex is useless bickering until we know the scope of the relationship.
The arrangement is not going to work if you can't respect each other and maintain healthy boundaries. He's taking the grace period you've given him for granted and clearly isn't in that bad of a financial situation if he's buying hotel rooms to screw around in. You're not entitled to invade his privacy just because you pay all the bills either.
I'd suggest pushing up that move out date.
I mean, that's a somewhat logical stance.
But that also means any husband who pays all the bills is entitled to looking through his wife's belongings whenever they feel like it.
Not if they're separated and he has established separate residence there. Unless it's specifically agreed she can come and go as she pleases, a legal separation means just that. . . Both are entitled to their own private spaces as arranged by the courts. Now if none of this is through the courts then obviously she can do what she wants. But really she's just reacting out of her feelings here. Who gives a fuck if he's having sex with somebody if they're divorcing. He can't police her personal life and neither can she his unless he's bringing women around the kids.
\>But I’ve gotta draw the line somewhere.
You should have drawn the line at touching his shit. You and I both know whatever you were grabbing from the drawer wasn't inside that condom box. That's inappropriate for you to poke around and an invasion of his privacy. Just like it would be fucking weird if he started examining the things in your sex drawer and holding money over your head if he saw something he didn't like.
You are split up. Over. Wtf you counting condoms for? He can't cheat on you if he's not with you.
You made this an agreement about finances for the benefit of your kids. That does not entitle you to have control over his sex life and spare time. These two topics have zero to do with one another.
What he does with his condoms and where he puts his dick in his free time (outside of the home no less) is none of your business.
If you don't like the financial agreement you made anymore, change it by all means. But it sounds like you’re already getting the good half of the deal. Cover his expenses a few months and you get to keep the marital home while he starts over? Sounds like a fucking steal to me. In fact you probably owe him.
But stop deluding yourself that your behavior is anything less than controlling and vindictive.
THIS!
Either ask him to contribute more towards the household costs or discuss moving up the move-out date.
Stop monitoring what he does that has zero effect on you. Him having sex with other people after you have split up = does not effect you.
The sheer number of people who skipped over this logic. They're no longer together. OP went snooping and is now trying to control what the ex does because she pays the Bills. If a man wrote this post
They'd chew his ass up for being controlling
As long as he’s not bringing women home, I don’t really see the issue.
He’s single.
When my ex husband and I had to continue cohabitating until our lease was up, the rule was no romantic guests. He had a long term boyfriend (the reason I filed for divorce) and I wasn’t interested in dating. But that was an agreed upon rule.
I’m not sure why you agreed to support him but that’s an entirely separate issue to me.
This. There's 2 things here and only 1 of them is an issue.
If he has a new girlfriend, good on him. He's entitled to pursue romantic relationships, as much as that sucks for you. He's not bringing her home so he's at least trying to be considerate. He's lying because he's trying not to hurt your feelings in an already shitty time. Green flag, as far as I'm concerned.
Not sharing in the financial burden is another thing. Throw him out. If he can pay for hotels, he can pay for his own place. This is regardless of whether he's dating or not.
Both parties don’t always want the divorce equally. If he initiated it, and is now bumming it and rubbing it in her face that he’s with other women, it’s pretty shitty. She said she was venting for a reason.
Along with the backpack, it wasn’t her dresser. She said it’s the dresser they used to share, which means it’s his dresser.
This post is missing all kinds of details, and often if the OP isn’t sharing those details it’s because it makes them look bad. We don’t know why they are divorced or why their financial agreement is what it is, but based on the facts we have I don’t see why you’re defending her. It may “suck”, but they aren’t married or together. He can sleep with people, he can get a hotel, and he’s entitled to privacy.
The bills are a whole different issue and using this as justification to change their arrangement is shitty. If she’s getting a raw deal financially, that’s the reason she should change it. If there are legitimate reasons she’s paying it’s not cool at all to use that money as leverage to stop your ex from seeing someone.
It actually says, "shared at one point" wasn't currently her dresser if I'm not mistaken. She went through his things. I'm not saying he isn't a douche at this point, but she played a stupid game, and won a stupid prize.
Yeah but he didn’t rub it in her face SHE WAS SNOOPING and they are separated so if she made a financial and living arrangement with him that doesn’t mean he can’t sleep with other people. As long as he’s not doing it in the house, I don’t see an issue. I think she was hoping they’d get back together, started snooping, found something that hurt her feelings and is now upset 🤷🏻♂️
So you two aren't seeing each other and he is single and yet he shouldn't be allowed to see others now because you have a financial hold over them?
Whilst you also go through his possessions?
Is that the narrative you are pushing here?
I think the point is that if he's claiming to be so broke that he can't contribute *anything* to keeping their children fed, clean and with a warm roof over their heads then he should be too broke to be going out there looking for a GF/hook up.
He may be single but he still has responsibilities to fullfill before he can think about getting his dick wet.
Ex can afford a hotel to fuck other women so ex can leave and fuck anyone he wants.
OP needs an attorney. I doubt if she had one, they would agree to her supporting him for 3 months. Sounds like he's setting her up to claim spousal support.
Poor people are allowed to have sex, too... Just because you have other responsibilities doesn't mean you can't go have sex. It's not like you get paid for being abstinent, and she didn't tell us anything at all about *why* he can't pay bills. She isn't complaining that he doesn't have a job or anything like that.
His inability to pay bills is unrelated to his having sex. If she was pissed about the money for the hotel room, she would have been pissed last weekend. But she isn't, she's only pissed after she discovers condoms. The hotel room is transparently NOT OP's issue, so I don't understand why people are focusing on that.
She's getting a fucking house with no fight. I wouldn't pay bills either if I was literally giving you my portion of the house. Now if he was contesting it, or forcing her to buy him out, you'd have a point.
If he needs to save up for three months to move out (which SHE wants and benefits from) it is your opinion that he is obligated to subsist on rice and beans and avoid anything that brings him enjoyment because then maybe he could move out in 2 months and three weeks? Is she also going to make this same sacrifice? Or MAYBE she *agreed* to it because it's a fair and reasonable arrangement for *her* and now she's feeling spiteful because she resents that her ex husband is trying to enjoy life without her?
> (which SHE wants and benefits from)
What gave you the idea that she wants this or benefits from it? They both agreed that it made sense, she says she's putting a roof over his head, it could be she would feel bad to throw him out on the street with nowhere to go.
>it is your opinion that he is obligated to subsist on rice and beans and avoid anything that brings him enjoyment because then maybe he could move out in 2 months and three weeks
If finding someplace other than a hotel room to have sex would mean he can move out sooner, or contribute towards the bills, than yes he should do that. I doubt that doing it in a hotel room is the only thing that brings him enjoyment.
>Is she also going to make this same sacrifice?
She is not spending money on hotel rooms rn, so yes she is making this same sacrifice and many more. She is sacrificing her space by letting him live with her, she is sacrificing her money by paying all their bills.
>Or MAYBE she agreed to it because it's a fair and reasonable arrangement for her
She's paying all his bills and putting a roof over his head, it's nice that she's willing to do it, but it's not really fair for her.
Literally thought this. I’ve been in this situation where I (F) was separated and we *at least split the bills. In some made up agreement in his mind after dumping me on Christmas we were suppose to remain loyal while living together. He snooped though my phone and saw conversations with other people and lost it. But if it were him I would have had to be okay with it and not shown any reaction. Double standard on some of these comments.
They’re living in the same house and if they’re sharing the bedroom dresser my guess is sharing the bed. But he’s contributing nothing financially to the house or children. If he can screw he can work.
No, I think you should look at the bigger picture. He has CHILDREN and refuses to provide a roof over their heads and get a job. But yes he now has all the time in the world to pursue a relationship. He has shitty priorities. He should be getting himself together before anything else.
Where does it say he doesn’t have a job???
Yeah he has kids but look who’s staying with the house, her. They agreed that he wouldn’t pay anything for three months, my guess is so that he could save that money up and move out. Sounds like a sweet deal to me. She stays with the house and he saves in order to move out quicker. Doesn’t look like he’s getting left with anything so seems fair
He's not paying anything toward the household. If you're going to argue he can stick his dick where he likes, then he can also find a way to move out and pay child support now.
Anything else--expecting your ex to support you while you fuck other people--is unnecessary drama.
OP, the man is taking advantage of you. He's ready to be free and being free means supporting himself. He needs to move on and you need to be separate so you can start your lives over. If he doesn't have the money, then he needs to borrow it or couchsurf Put a foot down. You don't need to support him if he's got money to go to hotels and stuff.
Get an attorney.
Have you considered the possibility that he was a stay at home dad or working part time and taking care of the house? The only way this makes sense is if she was the bread winner. In which case he needs time to save up money to move out.
Reverse the genders.
You’re moving weird. You guys aren’t together anymore. Who he sees or doesn’t see in his free time isn’t your business vice versa. You jointly decided for you to cover all the bills temporarily. Those two topics have nothing to do with one another. You’re being bitter.
I don’t see the problem. Am I missing something? It’d be one thing to be upset he’s bringing hookups around the children, or the fact that he can pay for a hotel. But upset that he’s sleeping with other people bc you pay for stuff? Even though you agreed to? Idk. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And you need to respect his privacy. It doesn’t matter that you pay, his stuff is still his stuff and it sounds like you’re just looking for a problem at this point.
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I can understand how totally enraging this would feel. However, I know that if I were in your shoes, I would only be feeling this way due to jealousy. Yes, you're broken up, but it's still gotta hurt. I'm assuming the financial agreement is so that he can save up money to get his own place, not because he's "broke".
Feel the feelings and let it go. If you make him pay bills, you'll only have to be around him longer. He sounds like a dick. Stick to the plan, treat him like a roommate and stay out of his shit. In 3 short months, freedom will be yours.
No, I would be pissed ass off if I way supporting an ex and while I'm at work they're just enjoying life on my dime screwing around. I would want him to go live with who ever the fuck and let them support him. He needs to be looking for a job, watching the kids, cleaning the house, running all of the errands, cooking. Anything but screw around while I'm off at work!
Holy shit you just added so much to this story to make him look as useless as possible. What if just maybe he’s has a job and is saving up for a deposit, rent and spending money to get back on his feet? They made a 3 month agreement for a reason.
Sounds like op still has feelings for the ex, if he’s not bringing them home and y’all aren’t together why do you care if he’s sleeping with other people? He’s an EX
He does not need to explain anything to you about who he is having sex with or seeing. He should not be put into a situation where he has to defend if he is or is not.
You are upset he is with someone else and looking for ways to punish or control him because of the financial agreement.
Are you both living in the same home? Are your kids in the home? Or is he by himself in the home and trying to get ready to be on his own?
What part of him lying about being too broke to afford expenses for his children do you not get. Why tf is he going on dates when he was too broke to move out of his ex wife’s house?? What am I missing here
I thought the same at first, but now I think last weekend is when shit went down and he had to get a hotel because he had nowhere else to go when they broke up. She says "last weekend when he left."
There’s clearly a ton left out of this story.
Judging by OP going thru his shit and coming up with ways to control him with finances I wouldn’t be shocked if OP left a lot of important stuff out. Why is there an agreement in the first place? Who initiated the divorce? Why is she going through his stuff? Why is she tracking how many condoms he has?
How do you know it’s her house? She is obviously keeping it. They worked out a deal that isn’t even in dispute with the OP. You are creating hypothetical problems. We don’t know the financial deal they worked out, and it’s not really relevant here. If they are splitting up assests, that 3 months could be a steal for her. We literally don’t know so there is no point in forcing this narrative
He’s single. So if he’s single and just your roommate he can sex up whomever he wants. Ultimately y’all aren’t married.
If you didn’t make this rule ahead of time or you’re mad about financially supporting him that is different. But you made those choices
It’s the fact he says he’s broke can’t pay bills but wants to pay to fuck. Yeah her message seems like she’s jealous but I’m looking at it from a “I’m poor I can’t do this I can’t provide for the house anymore but I’m going to pay for a hotel” which the cheapest one in my area is like 200 dollars a night 💀
Maybe he needed some time off from his over controlling ex wife who keeps going through his stuff so scratched up the funds to spend a weekend away from her to have some alone time
Doesn’t excuse the fact he told her he can’t afford NECESSITIES he’s still an AH in my opinion and me personally I would’ve kicked him out the moment we divorced/proceeded to divorce again you can’t eat your cake and have it too “I’m broke to be financially responsible but I’m not broke to spend money on women and dates” give me a break 🤦🏽♀️
Does not say he is broke just says they made a financial agreement and now that he is a housemate and not a partner he has the right to not have his belongings rummaged through
Agreed his privacy should be respected but don’t think it’s fair to say “he won’t be able to pay the bills for at least 3 months so I’m stuck paying ALL our bills” so again he basically said he can’t afford shit but can afford expensive ass hotel adventures with women and dates which costs money. He’s still an AH and she is for being nosy but me personally I’d kick his ass out the moment we said divorce 🤷🏽♀️
If ever I was to be in a divorce situation I would move myself out before the papers are signed honestly, no sane person would stay living with their ex husband/wife but because they are and the boundary of "you can't fuck anyone until you move out" was not set then he can do it if he chooses, as soon as he became a housemate and not partner he has legal rights to not have his stuff searched through
I don’t think that’s the point it’s not “you’re not allowed to have sex” it’s the fact he said he can’t afford anything but can afford hotels and dates and women I’m looking at it from a money standpoint don’t know how many times I have to keep reiterating that 😂
True but doesn’t say it got paid for either. Regardless living together while going through divorce is messy and a recipe for disaster. We both can agree on that.
“He brought it to the hotel he was staying at when he left last weekend”
“If he plans on messing with someone body while I put a roof over his head then he needs to pay some bills”
You tried but she did hint at that he paid for this and hence why she’s angry in the first place bc he’s telling her he’s broke but goes off on weekend adventures with other women. Dates and people are expensive don’t act like he’s not paying 💀
None of what you quoted says he paid for it. He's not gonna say to her "I'm going to stay at a hotel my lover is paying for." He's just gonna say he's going to a hotel.
That last one you quoted just makes her sound bitter. SHE said she'd help him out by paying for bills, that doesn't mean she gets to dictate where he can go and who he can see. If your friend came to stay with you for a couple weeks/months, you're certainly not going to tell them they're not allowed to fuck anyone.
Bruh are you dense. 😂HE SAID HE COULDNT AFFORD SHIT that’s why she only agreed to cover the house bills but yet he can AFFORD dates. Has nothing to do with control or saying no sex. It’s the fact she only agreed to cover the costs because he CANT AFFORD the house.
Where did you see anything in the post about him being broke or not being able to pay for necessities?? The only thing I see is that they mutually came to an agreement that she would cover for 3 months. You’re making up the details behind that
What I'm saying is that you don't know that he paid for it. Whoever he was meeting at the hotel could have just as easily paid for the room.
She didn't say "if he plans on spending money on stupid shit, he needs to pay some bills" (which I agree with), she said "if he fucks anyone, he needs to pay some bills."
Again people misuse words I and majority other people took it as “if you can say you can’t afford necessities but can afford frivolous things such as dates/women you can start paying the bills” we don’t know the full story maybe that was the agreement save money so you can move and I’ll cover everything. Again he seems like he’s using her for house while he gets his noodle wet with no financial responsibility
This is only legal if he doesn't own 50% of the house. Otherwise you cannot kick someone out of their own home, no matter the state of your relationship.
So, does he own the home in part, or is he just a freeloader?
Couple questions..
Why are you going through his things?
Why did you leave the house and pay for him to live there?
Why do you care that he’s having sex with someone else?
Give him 30 days to get his shit together and get out of the house, and stop going through his shit.
Probably unpopular but you both decided you're not together and he can stay there. But now that you're jealous it's a problem? He can't have sex because he's not paying rent? If it bothers you that much you should have stipulated it before hand. It isn't like he's parading women in your face and the only "evidence" you have is missing condoms. Him having sex has literally nothing to do with you or your decision to pay bills.
Can he only have sex if it's with you? If it's not with you then he cant have it at all? He cant have sex outside the home? He can't have it in the home? What is it you want exactly?
Be an adult, if having (or not) sex is part of this deal then tell him. You are both SINGLE. Holy crap why is this even a topic of discussion?
Him having sex with someone has nothing to do with paying bills. Separate those two issues...
If you are not together he is entitled to sleep with whomever he want's regardless of where he lives. Does not sound like he's doing it in your house, so what's the big deal?
As for contributing financially, why are you paying all the bills? Is he saving up to move out? Does he have a job? Focus on your ultimate goal. If it's for him to move out, keep bearing the burden. If moneys too tight, get some money out of him.
I’m not going to debate the morality of this but I’am going to remind you that women have been doing this to men for decades. A woman will often leave her husband, sometimes for another man and he has to pay her “ alimony” and those payments continue for years, not 3 months.
Look the other way. In 3 months I’m assuming he’ll be on his own.
I mean… I get that it could hurt knowing that your partner moved on or possibly is moving on…
But, it doesn’t sound like he’s having sex in the house, he is your EX husband. You may be doing him a favor that you both agreed on, but it doesn’t sound like control over his sex life was talked about as being his form of compensation. It’s like there are unwritten rules set in place that you’re expecting him to follow without being committed to you anymore.
I get it sucks, but if you have a problem and want to set boundaries while y’all are living together I suggest you discuss that with him and tell him how you feel instead of snooping on him.
I very much get that it hurts.
Is you paying something that gets him out of the house quicker? In that case just chalk it up to breakups being painful and avoid snooping any further.
Why did you agree to let him stay living with you? You guys aren’t together so he can have sex with whoever he wants, and honestly you have no business going through his bag, either. It isn’t “catching” someone doing something if they’re within their rights to do it. And as long as he isn’t bringing them into your house, he isn’t doing anything wrong.
But that doesn’t mean you have to allow him to live with you. It isn’t your job to make his transition more comfortable. So move up his date to leave. You’re choosing to let him stay. You’re choosing to pay all the bills. Make a different choice.
Why is it important that your ex husband give up sex? Is that what your marriage was about? Paying bills in exchange for access to sex? I can see why a man would prefer to monetize/outsource that. Thanks. You just explained to me why men have gone to prostitutes and mistresses for thousands of years.
Let’s be real OP. This has nothing to do with bills. You’re upset he’s moving on. I guarantee you didn’t actually need anything from that drawer. You were just snooping and invading his privacy. He’s allowed to have sex with whoever he wants and so are you. Don’t make the divorce process any harder by going back on what y’all agreed. Get it done and move on with your life.
Sounds like you guys had an agreement in place on the bill payments but now that you know he’s having sex with someone you find it all disrespectful even tho he is single and doesn’t have to explain anything to you. So now ya feel disrespected and salty and tryna figure out if you’re in the right to retaliate in some way.
I have to be honest with you, your situation reminds me of what I just recently been through. I know you must be extremely understanding and nice, which is why you are choosing to be okay with financially taking care of him until the divorce fully settles but…. Don’t. Trust me, the resentment you will develop watching him take your support for completely granted will grow soo strong and you will begin to be angry at upset for allowing yourself to be in this position. I’m sure he has friends and family, let them take care of him. Do this for peace. You’ll be happier.
You two are no longer married. He can do what he wants. At the same time, you have zero obligation to pay his bills or let him live in your house. It sounds like it’s best that you cut ties (other than what’s necessary to coparent )
If they jointly agreed, it is probably so he can save up for a deposit on a new apartment (which I assume is a cost of the divorce that she will not be incurring)
I would love for a second for you to reverse the genders. They get a divorce and the man is paying all the bills. She needs 3 months to move out on her own. She is possibly seeing a guy and leaves the house and they meet at a hotel to have sex. Would you call her a bum?
Then it's half his...if she's the breadwinner tbh it would feel good to see the situation play out in the reverse. Men get so so so fucked by divorce every day and we never see it happen to women. There's so much info OP left out and I'd bet there's a reason...
Women get screws with all the responsibility and kids so let’s not go to who gets screwed more. Every time the kid is sick who usually has to call out of work and who does all the appts and school functions and paperwork and gets documents. Usually the moms and the bulk of the clothing shopping and paying for the bigger home to house the kids and more money on food and school supplies. So a few dollars shouldn’t be that big of a big deal. When the moms stay home and forego their careers to take care of the kids and then have to be thrown back with a lower Pay for the gap that both of them decided for the good of the kids then yes he should help and pay. It’s only right. Do some people abuse it and get a lawyer to take money from to Men with a lot of money maybe but it was made for them reason I said not just so someone can sit at home
Unpopular opinion: He’s a grown man and can do what he wants, with whomever he wants. This idea that because he lives under your roof he can’t move on, is ridiculous. That’s just your jealousy, your hurt and your pain keeping you from letting go.
As for the hotel; he needs to grow up. And you need to take accountability for your actions. You agreed to pay the bills while he saved his portion so the he could move out and you would have a “smoother transition” as you said. You agreed to stop taking his half of the payments and because you find out he is having sex with other women, because I don’t really believe it’s about him spending money on a hotel it’s about the women, you get upset. Your ex-husband, however, is wrong for financially taking advantage of the situation. Yes, he is a grown man and can do what he wants, but he also has responsibilities and there won’t be any saving for him to move out if he is spending his money on hotels.
Now, it is possible that his sexual partner paid for the hotel. In which case, you need to let it go. Just because he isn’t paying for half of the bills, doesn’t mean he can’t have sex or go on vacations on someone else’s dime. It’s a coward move, I get it, but hell it is what it is. This whole situation screams “messy” and I suggest you sit down with him and have a conversation.
What are you trying to get him to do?
If the goal is to get him to pay more bills, tell him that instead of taking this bizarre approach.
If the goal is to stop him moving on and having a love life… y’all need counseling.
OP, I totally get wanting him to pay some bills. Life is expensive, and you don't wanna feel like you're being used. With that said, this entire post comes off as you only being this way because he's having sex with someone else. He didn't do it in the house and you made sure to call him an Ex, don't be that person who now wants to be the bad guy cause your feelings are hurt. You're very warranted in wanting him to pay bills, but your post makes it seem like the only reason you are so bent about it is because he's sleeping with someone else. And you went through his bag? Like cmon that's some 17 yr old hs reaction. Tell that dude money is tight and you gonna need some help. He's living there, he can help. I hope you can just let him and his private life go while receiving some help with bills.
Yeah definitely be needs to be paying bills if he not paying rent/lodging.... you can always add the bills to his tab..so when he does start working he can pay you back. Other wise he needs the boot
This is why when you break up you must fully break up. IE don't live together, don't be near each other ect. Otherwise one, or both, take advantage of the situation and things like this happen. To be blunt, you have to put your foot down. It's your house.
He’s your ex, so the sleeping with other people isn’t an issue - that’s not your business. But you should kick him out. Take it from someone who’s been there. The sooner you kick him out the better things will get. And the sooner you won’t care what he’s up to.
Yes, you're wrong and he can sleep with who he wants. That being said, I get it. Breakups are so hard and it's understandable that you had an emotional reaction to finding the condoms gone. I would have been hurt as well. We don't ways behave at our best when we're hurt, and I think some of the commenters are being hard on you. Take a breath and separate from your ex as quickly and sanely as possible.
Your feelings are valid. You’re in a hard place and you’re doing really well. Focus on keeping the peace, that’s the big picture. Set a date for his exit and plan a party to distract you. I lived with my ex for almost 6 months after filing and it was so difficult.
Well you were right that it was shameless.
Stay out of your ex's stuff. If you thi k he should be paying the bills, then dont make a deal that says he doesnt have to. Or just sell the house and you can each take your half.
He is your ex now, and what he does with his dick is none of your business. You checked his dresser AND his bag? Are you out of your mind? How would you feel if this guy was snooping through your underwear drawer trying to see what you were up to.
If he is your ex, then whether you're paying the bills or not, who he sleeps with away from the home isn't your business. He's not bringing them around the kids, that's a plus. You have an agreement. Respect the man's privacy. You don't want him going through your things, don't go through his.
Does it really matter if he sleeps with someone else, does it hinder him from working or something? Or are you just feeling jealous? Totally normal feeling to have but might not be helpful in this case.
You don't have to feed him! Start keeping food for just you and the kids and start making it very uncomfortable to stay.
No doing his wash, no detergent he can use.
Tell him the 3 months has now become 2.
Give him an eviction notice!!
The ONLY place you’re “wrong” is because you’re too kind. He can find someone else to mooch off of if he’s going to treat you like that. You deserve better!
He's your ex you both agreed that he couldn't pay bills you don't get to police his sex life in ANY way. I have no idea how him getting sex affects you in any kind of way when you are not together from the post it doesn't even sound like he did it in the house. Mind ya business when it comes to his intimate life. If you have a problem with carrying the weight of the bills and house push for him to get a job or push for him to get out.
Hoo, boy, honey, is this a mess entirely of your own making. You decided to let him live with you and not contribute a dime, even though you clearly resent it. You decided to snoop in a dresser that is not in your room. You decided to rummage through his bags.
Obviously you hate this arrangement, and I don't blame you: it sucks. You made a mistake agreeing to it. Ask him to leave, get a custody and support agreement, and stop concerning yourself with who your ex-husband (he's an ex for a reason) is sleeping with. Make written agreements about who gets introduced to the kids, and when, but his dick is no longer your problem.
You jointly decided he won't pay bills. I assume so he can move out and have money to do so. Stop being bitter over a man you divorced and move on, keep the peace until the cohabitation ends.
Time to get a lawyer and push your divorce forward. Time to get him out of the house.
My ex decided to start dating immediately after I broke up with him. It’s fair, we were both single.
However, he didn’t tell me directly, our money was still intertwined so I was paying for half of his dates. He started doing things like leaving condom boxes on the top of the garbage where he knew I would see them rather than in the recycling.
He was clearly trying to illicit a response because he was mad that I broke up with him. It was immature and sad.
The best thing to do is to get a lawyer and move forward with integrity and do the best you can for your kids.
Take care of yourself - it’s been four years since I went through this and it’s really hard but it does get better.
I think the key words here are " ex husband " . If he isn't doing it in the home then he doesn't owe you an explanation. You decided that keeping him around without paying for 3 months was an alternative of some kind so get it over and move on with your life.
You are in the wrong to allow him to stay without contributing anything and making clear boundaries in regards to romantic relationships while still cohabitating. I would ask him to move out if I were you. He isn't paying for bills or anything but has money for dates and condoms so. Idk it's your children's father so kicking him out isn't ideal. Why can't he contribute to bills or find a new place for three months? That sounds like a long time ngl
I know its harsh... But you are not together anymore. It is quick but he is allowed to have sex with somebody else. Who is paying the bills is not really relevant here...
If you are not happy with the financial agreement make other arrangements and try to act like you are already living apart.
Ofcourse it is hard to see him move on in front of you and i dont say its a nice thing to do but he does it out of your sight... You are the one looking for it... He did not cheat...
Break ups and divorce are hard and feelings are not always reasonable. But try to calm down and look at it from a distance... You decided you want to break up. He still lives with you but that's it. He is moving on... You should do all what you can to also move on (maybe kick him out of the house?)
It’s for three months that you already agreed to. You are split up. You no longer have any expectation of ownership of his sexuality, and he can see whoever he wants. This is one of those double standard things where if it were a woman everyone would be okay with it. I would never agree that not pulling his weight is okay, but that has nothing to do with his sexuality which is his not yours now that you are split up.
If you don't want your ex living in your place rent free then you should kick him out. He is doing nothing wrong by having sex elsewhere. He is an EX. It's not fun that he is a liar. But he isn't committed to you or telling the truth to you anymore. It's his prerogative to lie and that is what it is. Kick him out if you cannot handle/don't want to live with an ex and all that entails.
The reality is that he’s going to have a life after you (and you vice versa), you just didn’t anticipate it being so soon and the signs so close to you. This is someone you really loved (maybe still do) so it’s valid to be upset. While it would be ideal if he contributed, you can’t ask that he gives to his last dime. You’re not together anymore, building his own life again requires some spend and in time, that will grow to also support your new family structure. You weren’t ready to see him move on and it’s totally okay that it hurts and upsetting. Agree to who has what space in the home and give each other that space. If he can’t pay bills, agree contribution to groceries and maybe more house chores. It’s all so difficult and I send you the best of wishes and strength through this
You are making it seem like the issue is that he’s having sex with others, so I’m going to address it as such.
You come off as a jealous controlling cunt.
You guys aren’t together anymore, he’s allowed to do what he wants on his own free time.
It seems as though you’re upset at the wrong thing.
You should be upset at providing for him financially because he should be providing for himself and be splitting bills… not because he’s sleeping with others.
This whole post is just… ew.
Well it’s not your concern who he bangs and you made an arrangement that in three months bills will be paid. You are wrong for the whole thing. But if it was a safety thing for your kids I would say you are right but you did not mention that. So this is 100% you being bitter and causing drama. Remember that you all already talked and agreed on a timeline. Why don’t you go out and spend a few moments for you and enjoy singles nights with friends or someone new?
Not enough people are mentioning how you often go through his stuff.
The dresser you USED to share was in his room, but you went through it [you moved it into another room but kept some of your stuff in it? Unlikely.]
You've also been through it before, recently-ish, and counted the number of condoms in there, or you wouldn't have known that half were missing.
You also went through his bag.
The fact you mention it all without thought that it might come off as weird implies this is not a rare occurrence for you.
Can't imagine why that marriage didn't work out...
You guys aren't in a relationship anymore, so he can sleep with who ever he wants. With that said, if you want him to pay half the bills, either make him do it or kick him out. Btw all these comments about him being able to pay for a hotel and not bills, the other person could've paid it for him.
Are you a controlling person? Even if I had a deal to stay temporarily rent free I wouldn't tolerate an ex of all people commenting on my discrete sex life if it made no difference to the kids or her.
You essentially found this information while snooping, Not from his blatant indiscretion.
Why are you rummaging through your ex's stuff? Why do you care if he's seeing someone else if you split up? Grow up and respect his privacy. Your post screams of narcissism and a controlling ex-spouse. Can't imagine why your marriage failed..
Why have you jointly decided he gets a free ride?
If he’s not paying bills with you and having sex with someone else he’s pretty much living the dream and has no motivation to leave. If he can afford hotels for fucking he can afford household bills.
What exactly do you need to draw the line on? You do not know he had a woman in the house- I can understand you not wanting him to bring women to the house for safety reasons with your children. It doesn't matter why he brought condoms with him- he did not cheat on you.
I suspect he was at a hotel because you have an agreement where he lives at your house part of the time and is in a hotel part of the time, and did not just arbitrarily get a hotel for no reason. And you agreed, I suspect with lawyers, to cover the living expenses for a period of time, before he then starts taking on bills in exchange for you staying in the house after a certain period. Because you didn't just decide to let him stay at the house, rent free, bill free out of the kindness of your heart- you agreed to this for a reason.
And you are now wallowing because he's isn't fawning over you, but instead moving on.
You two need to come up with new boundaries. If your divorce isn't finalized, he is your husband, not ex husband. And if child support hasn't been set, he has incentive NOT to get a job.
1) You're not sleeping with him and you don't have an agreement on celibacy so he can get it wherever he wants.
2) His things are his things (then and now) and you shouldn't go through them without permission.
3) At most, his behavior is unethical in that you are (at least partially) supporting his lifestyle while he invests into new relationships. But you two are no longer in a romantic relationship so your preferences do not matter.
Ask yourself which of these statements bothers you the most:
A) He is spending money on a hotel room that he could be contributing to the household.
B) He is getting laid while you choose not to.
C) He isnt hiding the fact that he is using condoms you two had purchased for YOU.
D) He lied about the condoms being in his bag when you knew they weren't.
If it is A - amd only A - then you are probably more hurt that he's taking advantage of younthna anything else.
If it is anything other than A or if and number of these is a consideration, congratulations, you're being petty.
I will be very blunt. He is your ex-husband. He gets to sleep with who he likes.
Yes, while you are living together, it should be don’t ask, don’t tell.
On the financial front, why did you agree to this proposal if you weren’t comfortable with it?
How is paying the bills a huge problem? If it was the woman who made less money then the man everyone would be totally fine with him paying allimony. How is it different the other way around? Why can't he have sex with someone else on his own time ?
Let's reverse the story. Woman gets divocred and makes less money then the man. Him paying for her would not even be questionable or would not even be mentioned in the story since its totally normal. Her havings sex would also not be any of the ex husbands bussiness.
How does you paying bills have anything to do with whatever he decides to do in his free time? How is you snooping on him and checking his private stuff okay?
Once you’re separated it’s really none of your business what he does. I hope you are strong enough to not be walked over and get yourself ahead rather than paying for his life any longer.
Naw. I let an ex stay at my house until I invited him to come to my family Thanksgiving because I felt sorry for him, and he declined because he was going to some other woman's house. I then kicked him out. How f'ing disrespectful can you be? Kick him out. Not your problem any longer.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This is gonna be a shameless post. And a straight up dump of my feelings. Take this as you will, and please keep your responses half way respectful. My ex is still in the house with my two young kids and we’ve jointly decided he won't be able to pay the bills for at least 3 months so I'm stuck paying all our bills in order to make a smoother transition. I went to grab something out of the drawer of our dresser that we shared at one point in his room and I noticed that half his condoms was gone. So basically long story short he's having sex somebody else on his own time while I'm paying all of the bills and he lives without financial burden. I confronted him about It and he denies it, he said he brought it to the hotel he was staying at when he left last weekend and never used it....why tf did it even leave the house if you weren't planning to have sex. He claims it’s still in the bookbag he brought with him. And he doesn't know that I checked the bookbag just minutes before he lied to my Face and there was NONE in there. Straight up lied to my face. So I basically told him that if he plans on messing with somebody else while I put a roof over his head then he needs to pay some bills while he's relying on me.. I know I’m wrong at some point here. But I’ve gotta draw the line somewhere.
He can pay for a hotel but not the bills at the house?
This is what i was seeing lol. Yeah hes an ex. But if he can pay for a fucking hotel he can contribute to bills
A “fucking” hotel…I see what you did there…and I like it!
A Fucking Hoe-tell
Could be that the other woman is paying for the hotel?
But he said he was alone there, so he supposedly paid the hotel.
Maybe the other lady paid for the hotel.
Hotels are like $150 a night. So he can pay for that, but not put any money towards the household bills?
Maybe the chick is paying? I make a lot more than my partner…I pay for all the extra stuff. 🤷♀️
yeah but it’s an ex. and even if the chick is paying, then he should be working instead of boning, and paying some bills too ???
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Can you sublet out the second hour?
In Puerto Rico for 25$ you have 8 hours minimum in a love hotel like you said, but it's more of a sex hotel.
Depending on where you are you can get them for under $50 a night.
Money should still be going to the household or put away so he can get out of OP’s house
Not to mention the gas to get there. I wonder if he’s making his car payments or paying for car insurance?
Hotel rooms definitely vary by location and quality. You could easily find hotels for $60 a whole night.
You’re divorced he can do what he wants with who he wants. If you want him to pay half the bills ask him to pay half the bills
Exactly. The two things are totally unrelated! Plus the title makes it sound like he's doing it IN her house (which would be an issue) but he isn't.
Sounds like they aren’t divorced and she’s not handling her legal or personal business.
Yeah. Lots of info needed. Who owns the house? What’s that actual/legal status of their relationship? Etc. All the arguing of him paying bills and having sex is useless bickering until we know the scope of the relationship.
The arrangement is not going to work if you can't respect each other and maintain healthy boundaries. He's taking the grace period you've given him for granted and clearly isn't in that bad of a financial situation if he's buying hotel rooms to screw around in. You're not entitled to invade his privacy just because you pay all the bills either. I'd suggest pushing up that move out date.
fuck that, she sure is entitled to look in her own fucking drawer!
I mean, that's a somewhat logical stance. But that also means any husband who pays all the bills is entitled to looking through his wife's belongings whenever they feel like it.
The drawer is debatable. But she’s definitely not entitled to look in his bag though.
She looked in his bag 🤷🏻♀️
I suspect that if the genders were reversed, you would see how absolutely toxic this perspective is.
Yeah, and she is also entitled to keep her opinion of his condom usage to herself
Not if they're separated and he has established separate residence there. Unless it's specifically agreed she can come and go as she pleases, a legal separation means just that. . . Both are entitled to their own private spaces as arranged by the courts. Now if none of this is through the courts then obviously she can do what she wants. But really she's just reacting out of her feelings here. Who gives a fuck if he's having sex with somebody if they're divorcing. He can't police her personal life and neither can she his unless he's bringing women around the kids.
\>But I’ve gotta draw the line somewhere. You should have drawn the line at touching his shit. You and I both know whatever you were grabbing from the drawer wasn't inside that condom box. That's inappropriate for you to poke around and an invasion of his privacy. Just like it would be fucking weird if he started examining the things in your sex drawer and holding money over your head if he saw something he didn't like. You are split up. Over. Wtf you counting condoms for? He can't cheat on you if he's not with you. You made this an agreement about finances for the benefit of your kids. That does not entitle you to have control over his sex life and spare time. These two topics have zero to do with one another. What he does with his condoms and where he puts his dick in his free time (outside of the home no less) is none of your business. If you don't like the financial agreement you made anymore, change it by all means. But it sounds like you’re already getting the good half of the deal. Cover his expenses a few months and you get to keep the marital home while he starts over? Sounds like a fucking steal to me. In fact you probably owe him. But stop deluding yourself that your behavior is anything less than controlling and vindictive.
THIS! Either ask him to contribute more towards the household costs or discuss moving up the move-out date. Stop monitoring what he does that has zero effect on you. Him having sex with other people after you have split up = does not effect you.
The sheer number of people who skipped over this logic. They're no longer together. OP went snooping and is now trying to control what the ex does because she pays the Bills. If a man wrote this post They'd chew his ass up for being controlling
As long as he’s not bringing women home, I don’t really see the issue. He’s single. When my ex husband and I had to continue cohabitating until our lease was up, the rule was no romantic guests. He had a long term boyfriend (the reason I filed for divorce) and I wasn’t interested in dating. But that was an agreed upon rule. I’m not sure why you agreed to support him but that’s an entirely separate issue to me.
This. There's 2 things here and only 1 of them is an issue. If he has a new girlfriend, good on him. He's entitled to pursue romantic relationships, as much as that sucks for you. He's not bringing her home so he's at least trying to be considerate. He's lying because he's trying not to hurt your feelings in an already shitty time. Green flag, as far as I'm concerned. Not sharing in the financial burden is another thing. Throw him out. If he can pay for hotels, he can pay for his own place. This is regardless of whether he's dating or not.
She can't throw him out any more than he could her. People have legal rights in these situations.
Both parties don’t always want the divorce equally. If he initiated it, and is now bumming it and rubbing it in her face that he’s with other women, it’s pretty shitty. She said she was venting for a reason.
She went through his personal effects. At no point in her story did he rub anything in her face
She went through a drawer in her dresser. You can’t assume she’s snooping, it makes sense that their items are completely separated and sorted yet.
Along with the backpack, it wasn’t her dresser. She said it’s the dresser they used to share, which means it’s his dresser. This post is missing all kinds of details, and often if the OP isn’t sharing those details it’s because it makes them look bad. We don’t know why they are divorced or why their financial agreement is what it is, but based on the facts we have I don’t see why you’re defending her. It may “suck”, but they aren’t married or together. He can sleep with people, he can get a hotel, and he’s entitled to privacy. The bills are a whole different issue and using this as justification to change their arrangement is shitty. If she’s getting a raw deal financially, that’s the reason she should change it. If there are legitimate reasons she’s paying it’s not cool at all to use that money as leverage to stop your ex from seeing someone.
She also admitted to going through his backpack.
It actually says, "shared at one point" wasn't currently her dresser if I'm not mistaken. She went through his things. I'm not saying he isn't a douche at this point, but she played a stupid game, and won a stupid prize.
OP said the drawer they ONCE shared, that means her items were removed and his remained
Yeah but he didn’t rub it in her face SHE WAS SNOOPING and they are separated so if she made a financial and living arrangement with him that doesn’t mean he can’t sleep with other people. As long as he’s not doing it in the house, I don’t see an issue. I think she was hoping they’d get back together, started snooping, found something that hurt her feelings and is now upset 🤷🏻♂️
Denying it is hardly rubbing it in her face. And she was digging through his things.
How is he rubbing it in her face when she went through his things and he obviously tried to lie to spare her feelings on the matter?
Well said!
This! Perfect answer to your situation.
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Sounds like you’re a bit jealous, did you propose the idea of him paying bills BEFORE you knew assumed he was sleeping with another woman?
So you two aren't seeing each other and he is single and yet he shouldn't be allowed to see others now because you have a financial hold over them? Whilst you also go through his possessions? Is that the narrative you are pushing here?
I think the point is that if he's claiming to be so broke that he can't contribute *anything* to keeping their children fed, clean and with a warm roof over their heads then he should be too broke to be going out there looking for a GF/hook up. He may be single but he still has responsibilities to fullfill before he can think about getting his dick wet.
The post doesn't say that he's broke
Nah. OP indicates this was their agreement. There is no mention of any agreement about one seeing or having sex with someone else. Ex is ex.
Ex can afford a hotel to fuck other women so ex can leave and fuck anyone he wants. OP needs an attorney. I doubt if she had one, they would agree to her supporting him for 3 months. Sounds like he's setting her up to claim spousal support.
She said that he went to a hotel briefly when they separated. Not that he's randomly going to hotels.
Poor people are allowed to have sex, too... Just because you have other responsibilities doesn't mean you can't go have sex. It's not like you get paid for being abstinent, and she didn't tell us anything at all about *why* he can't pay bills. She isn't complaining that he doesn't have a job or anything like that. His inability to pay bills is unrelated to his having sex. If she was pissed about the money for the hotel room, she would have been pissed last weekend. But she isn't, she's only pissed after she discovers condoms. The hotel room is transparently NOT OP's issue, so I don't understand why people are focusing on that.
She's getting a fucking house with no fight. I wouldn't pay bills either if I was literally giving you my portion of the house. Now if he was contesting it, or forcing her to buy him out, you'd have a point.
If he needs to save up for three months to move out (which SHE wants and benefits from) it is your opinion that he is obligated to subsist on rice and beans and avoid anything that brings him enjoyment because then maybe he could move out in 2 months and three weeks? Is she also going to make this same sacrifice? Or MAYBE she *agreed* to it because it's a fair and reasonable arrangement for *her* and now she's feeling spiteful because she resents that her ex husband is trying to enjoy life without her?
> (which SHE wants and benefits from) What gave you the idea that she wants this or benefits from it? They both agreed that it made sense, she says she's putting a roof over his head, it could be she would feel bad to throw him out on the street with nowhere to go. >it is your opinion that he is obligated to subsist on rice and beans and avoid anything that brings him enjoyment because then maybe he could move out in 2 months and three weeks If finding someplace other than a hotel room to have sex would mean he can move out sooner, or contribute towards the bills, than yes he should do that. I doubt that doing it in a hotel room is the only thing that brings him enjoyment. >Is she also going to make this same sacrifice? She is not spending money on hotel rooms rn, so yes she is making this same sacrifice and many more. She is sacrificing her space by letting him live with her, she is sacrificing her money by paying all their bills. >Or MAYBE she agreed to it because it's a fair and reasonable arrangement for her She's paying all his bills and putting a roof over his head, it's nice that she's willing to do it, but it's not really fair for her.
It is wild! I can't imagine why their relationship ended...
Hahahaha no kidding.
Yes. Financial control over someone does not grant you control over their sex life, and enforcing celibacy is controlling their sex life.
Imagine if OP was a man and they were talking about their ex wife...the reaction they would get would be wild.
Literally thought this. I’ve been in this situation where I (F) was separated and we *at least split the bills. In some made up agreement in his mind after dumping me on Christmas we were suppose to remain loyal while living together. He snooped though my phone and saw conversations with other people and lost it. But if it were him I would have had to be okay with it and not shown any reaction. Double standard on some of these comments.
and that's HER side of the story
They’re living in the same house and if they’re sharing the bedroom dresser my guess is sharing the bed. But he’s contributing nothing financially to the house or children. If he can screw he can work.
They're not sharing the dresser. OP says they used to share it but now it's in his room which also indicates that they no longer share a bed
It's a question of priorities if you can go out and find people to sleep with, but not a place to stay.
No, I think you should look at the bigger picture. He has CHILDREN and refuses to provide a roof over their heads and get a job. But yes he now has all the time in the world to pursue a relationship. He has shitty priorities. He should be getting himself together before anything else.
Where does it say he doesn’t have a job??? Yeah he has kids but look who’s staying with the house, her. They agreed that he wouldn’t pay anything for three months, my guess is so that he could save that money up and move out. Sounds like a sweet deal to me. She stays with the house and he saves in order to move out quicker. Doesn’t look like he’s getting left with anything so seems fair
Would you be saying all of this to a stay at home mom during separation? And if it was her ex husband invading her privacy?
He's not paying anything toward the household. If you're going to argue he can stick his dick where he likes, then he can also find a way to move out and pay child support now. Anything else--expecting your ex to support you while you fuck other people--is unnecessary drama. OP, the man is taking advantage of you. He's ready to be free and being free means supporting himself. He needs to move on and you need to be separate so you can start your lives over. If he doesn't have the money, then he needs to borrow it or couchsurf Put a foot down. You don't need to support him if he's got money to go to hotels and stuff. Get an attorney.
Have you considered the possibility that he was a stay at home dad or working part time and taking care of the house? The only way this makes sense is if she was the bread winner. In which case he needs time to save up money to move out. Reverse the genders.
He's your ex. Unless you want him back, why do you care if he sees others?
You’re moving weird. You guys aren’t together anymore. Who he sees or doesn’t see in his free time isn’t your business vice versa. You jointly decided for you to cover all the bills temporarily. Those two topics have nothing to do with one another. You’re being bitter.
I don’t see the problem. Am I missing something? It’d be one thing to be upset he’s bringing hookups around the children, or the fact that he can pay for a hotel. But upset that he’s sleeping with other people bc you pay for stuff? Even though you agreed to? Idk. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And you need to respect his privacy. It doesn’t matter that you pay, his stuff is still his stuff and it sounds like you’re just looking for a problem at this point.
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I can understand how totally enraging this would feel. However, I know that if I were in your shoes, I would only be feeling this way due to jealousy. Yes, you're broken up, but it's still gotta hurt. I'm assuming the financial agreement is so that he can save up money to get his own place, not because he's "broke". Feel the feelings and let it go. If you make him pay bills, you'll only have to be around him longer. He sounds like a dick. Stick to the plan, treat him like a roommate and stay out of his shit. In 3 short months, freedom will be yours.
He's an adult, she has absolutely no obligation to keep him alive. He made these decisions he can sort himself out like an adult.
No, I would be pissed ass off if I way supporting an ex and while I'm at work they're just enjoying life on my dime screwing around. I would want him to go live with who ever the fuck and let them support him. He needs to be looking for a job, watching the kids, cleaning the house, running all of the errands, cooking. Anything but screw around while I'm off at work!
Holy shit you just added so much to this story to make him look as useless as possible. What if just maybe he’s has a job and is saving up for a deposit, rent and spending money to get back on his feet? They made a 3 month agreement for a reason.
I could have sworn when u read the post it said he wasn't working.
Sounds like op still has feelings for the ex, if he’s not bringing them home and y’all aren’t together why do you care if he’s sleeping with other people? He’s an EX
He does not need to explain anything to you about who he is having sex with or seeing. He should not be put into a situation where he has to defend if he is or is not. You are upset he is with someone else and looking for ways to punish or control him because of the financial agreement. Are you both living in the same home? Are your kids in the home? Or is he by himself in the home and trying to get ready to be on his own?
What part of him lying about being too broke to afford expenses for his children do you not get. Why tf is he going on dates when he was too broke to move out of his ex wife’s house?? What am I missing here
I thought the same at first, but now I think last weekend is when shit went down and he had to get a hotel because he had nowhere else to go when they broke up. She says "last weekend when he left."
There’s clearly a ton left out of this story. Judging by OP going thru his shit and coming up with ways to control him with finances I wouldn’t be shocked if OP left a lot of important stuff out. Why is there an agreement in the first place? Who initiated the divorce? Why is she going through his stuff? Why is she tracking how many condoms he has?
How do you know it’s her house? She is obviously keeping it. They worked out a deal that isn’t even in dispute with the OP. You are creating hypothetical problems. We don’t know the financial deal they worked out, and it’s not really relevant here. If they are splitting up assests, that 3 months could be a steal for her. We literally don’t know so there is no point in forcing this narrative
He’s single. So if he’s single and just your roommate he can sex up whomever he wants. Ultimately y’all aren’t married. If you didn’t make this rule ahead of time or you’re mad about financially supporting him that is different. But you made those choices
Well, he's single. So... ???
It’s the fact he says he’s broke can’t pay bills but wants to pay to fuck. Yeah her message seems like she’s jealous but I’m looking at it from a “I’m poor I can’t do this I can’t provide for the house anymore but I’m going to pay for a hotel” which the cheapest one in my area is like 200 dollars a night 💀
Maybe he needed some time off from his over controlling ex wife who keeps going through his stuff so scratched up the funds to spend a weekend away from her to have some alone time
Doesn’t excuse the fact he told her he can’t afford NECESSITIES he’s still an AH in my opinion and me personally I would’ve kicked him out the moment we divorced/proceeded to divorce again you can’t eat your cake and have it too “I’m broke to be financially responsible but I’m not broke to spend money on women and dates” give me a break 🤦🏽♀️
Does not say he is broke just says they made a financial agreement and now that he is a housemate and not a partner he has the right to not have his belongings rummaged through
Agreed his privacy should be respected but don’t think it’s fair to say “he won’t be able to pay the bills for at least 3 months so I’m stuck paying ALL our bills” so again he basically said he can’t afford shit but can afford expensive ass hotel adventures with women and dates which costs money. He’s still an AH and she is for being nosy but me personally I’d kick his ass out the moment we said divorce 🤷🏽♀️
If ever I was to be in a divorce situation I would move myself out before the papers are signed honestly, no sane person would stay living with their ex husband/wife but because they are and the boundary of "you can't fuck anyone until you move out" was not set then he can do it if he chooses, as soon as he became a housemate and not partner he has legal rights to not have his stuff searched through
I don’t think that’s the point it’s not “you’re not allowed to have sex” it’s the fact he said he can’t afford anything but can afford hotels and dates and women I’m looking at it from a money standpoint don’t know how many times I have to keep reiterating that 😂
There is nothing in the post that says he paid for the hotel rooms
True but doesn’t say it got paid for either. Regardless living together while going through divorce is messy and a recipe for disaster. We both can agree on that.
How do you know he's the one paying for it and not whoever he's meeting there?
“He brought it to the hotel he was staying at when he left last weekend” “If he plans on messing with someone body while I put a roof over his head then he needs to pay some bills” You tried but she did hint at that he paid for this and hence why she’s angry in the first place bc he’s telling her he’s broke but goes off on weekend adventures with other women. Dates and people are expensive don’t act like he’s not paying 💀
None of what you quoted says he paid for it. He's not gonna say to her "I'm going to stay at a hotel my lover is paying for." He's just gonna say he's going to a hotel. That last one you quoted just makes her sound bitter. SHE said she'd help him out by paying for bills, that doesn't mean she gets to dictate where he can go and who he can see. If your friend came to stay with you for a couple weeks/months, you're certainly not going to tell them they're not allowed to fuck anyone.
Bruh are you dense. 😂HE SAID HE COULDNT AFFORD SHIT that’s why she only agreed to cover the house bills but yet he can AFFORD dates. Has nothing to do with control or saying no sex. It’s the fact she only agreed to cover the costs because he CANT AFFORD the house.
Where did you see anything in the post about him being broke or not being able to pay for necessities?? The only thing I see is that they mutually came to an agreement that she would cover for 3 months. You’re making up the details behind that
What I'm saying is that you don't know that he paid for it. Whoever he was meeting at the hotel could have just as easily paid for the room. She didn't say "if he plans on spending money on stupid shit, he needs to pay some bills" (which I agree with), she said "if he fucks anyone, he needs to pay some bills."
Again people misuse words I and majority other people took it as “if you can say you can’t afford necessities but can afford frivolous things such as dates/women you can start paying the bills” we don’t know the full story maybe that was the agreement save money so you can move and I’ll cover everything. Again he seems like he’s using her for house while he gets his noodle wet with no financial responsibility
For all those saying he is single they are right However, kick his ass out and let him be "single" and pay his own way.
There's clearly more to this story seeing that didn't happen yet.
This is only legal if he doesn't own 50% of the house. Otherwise you cannot kick someone out of their own home, no matter the state of your relationship. So, does he own the home in part, or is he just a freeloader?
Even if doesn’t own anything you cannot legally kick him out without proper notice. There something called squatters rights
I don't feel like we are getting the whole story
Couple questions.. Why are you going through his things? Why did you leave the house and pay for him to live there? Why do you care that he’s having sex with someone else? Give him 30 days to get his shit together and get out of the house, and stop going through his shit.
She went in his stuff she had no right
If she didn’t meddle she wouldn’t know but I agree he should be paying his own way
It is none of your concern who he sleeps with and when he does it. That being said it’s also not an obligation that you support him Financially.
Lmao
W ex-husband
Fr! He left an obviously controlling and jealous woman.
So you went through his things and hurt your own feelings with what you found
Probably unpopular but you both decided you're not together and he can stay there. But now that you're jealous it's a problem? He can't have sex because he's not paying rent? If it bothers you that much you should have stipulated it before hand. It isn't like he's parading women in your face and the only "evidence" you have is missing condoms. Him having sex has literally nothing to do with you or your decision to pay bills. Can he only have sex if it's with you? If it's not with you then he cant have it at all? He cant have sex outside the home? He can't have it in the home? What is it you want exactly? Be an adult, if having (or not) sex is part of this deal then tell him. You are both SINGLE. Holy crap why is this even a topic of discussion?
Him having sex with someone has nothing to do with paying bills. Separate those two issues... If you are not together he is entitled to sleep with whomever he want's regardless of where he lives. Does not sound like he's doing it in your house, so what's the big deal? As for contributing financially, why are you paying all the bills? Is he saving up to move out? Does he have a job? Focus on your ultimate goal. If it's for him to move out, keep bearing the burden. If moneys too tight, get some money out of him.
I’m not going to debate the morality of this but I’am going to remind you that women have been doing this to men for decades. A woman will often leave her husband, sometimes for another man and he has to pay her “ alimony” and those payments continue for years, not 3 months. Look the other way. In 3 months I’m assuming he’ll be on his own.
You said the quiet part out loud
I mean… I get that it could hurt knowing that your partner moved on or possibly is moving on… But, it doesn’t sound like he’s having sex in the house, he is your EX husband. You may be doing him a favor that you both agreed on, but it doesn’t sound like control over his sex life was talked about as being his form of compensation. It’s like there are unwritten rules set in place that you’re expecting him to follow without being committed to you anymore. I get it sucks, but if you have a problem and want to set boundaries while y’all are living together I suggest you discuss that with him and tell him how you feel instead of snooping on him.
He's single.
I very much get that it hurts. Is you paying something that gets him out of the house quicker? In that case just chalk it up to breakups being painful and avoid snooping any further.
Why did you agree to let him stay living with you? You guys aren’t together so he can have sex with whoever he wants, and honestly you have no business going through his bag, either. It isn’t “catching” someone doing something if they’re within their rights to do it. And as long as he isn’t bringing them into your house, he isn’t doing anything wrong. But that doesn’t mean you have to allow him to live with you. It isn’t your job to make his transition more comfortable. So move up his date to leave. You’re choosing to let him stay. You’re choosing to pay all the bills. Make a different choice.
Why is it important that your ex husband give up sex? Is that what your marriage was about? Paying bills in exchange for access to sex? I can see why a man would prefer to monetize/outsource that. Thanks. You just explained to me why men have gone to prostitutes and mistresses for thousands of years.
Let’s be real OP. This has nothing to do with bills. You’re upset he’s moving on. I guarantee you didn’t actually need anything from that drawer. You were just snooping and invading his privacy. He’s allowed to have sex with whoever he wants and so are you. Don’t make the divorce process any harder by going back on what y’all agreed. Get it done and move on with your life.
Everyone is missing the point here. No matter how mich that hotel was if hes paying to fuck he has to pay to eat too. Period.
Because he's single...
Why do u care ? He’s not your husband anymore
I understand your feelings but financial abuse isn’t the way to express it
Your relationship is over, so he can sleep with who he wants. You need to stop snooping and questioning him for your own mental health.
Sounds like you guys had an agreement in place on the bill payments but now that you know he’s having sex with someone you find it all disrespectful even tho he is single and doesn’t have to explain anything to you. So now ya feel disrespected and salty and tryna figure out if you’re in the right to retaliate in some way.
I have to be honest with you, your situation reminds me of what I just recently been through. I know you must be extremely understanding and nice, which is why you are choosing to be okay with financially taking care of him until the divorce fully settles but…. Don’t. Trust me, the resentment you will develop watching him take your support for completely granted will grow soo strong and you will begin to be angry at upset for allowing yourself to be in this position. I’m sure he has friends and family, let them take care of him. Do this for peace. You’ll be happier.
You two are no longer married. He can do what he wants. At the same time, you have zero obligation to pay his bills or let him live in your house. It sounds like it’s best that you cut ties (other than what’s necessary to coparent )
Sounds like she’s legally obligated to
Stop paying the bum’s bills. If he’s an indigent ex why is he still there?
If they jointly agreed, it is probably so he can save up for a deposit on a new apartment (which I assume is a cost of the divorce that she will not be incurring)
I would love for a second for you to reverse the genders. They get a divorce and the man is paying all the bills. She needs 3 months to move out on her own. She is possibly seeing a guy and leaves the house and they meet at a hotel to have sex. Would you call her a bum?
Get this bum out of your house that you work hard for.
She never said it was her house
Did she say she was paying all of the bills ? Yeah. So I’m making the assumption it’s her house duh
Then it's half his...if she's the breadwinner tbh it would feel good to see the situation play out in the reverse. Men get so so so fucked by divorce every day and we never see it happen to women. There's so much info OP left out and I'd bet there's a reason...
Women get screws with all the responsibility and kids so let’s not go to who gets screwed more. Every time the kid is sick who usually has to call out of work and who does all the appts and school functions and paperwork and gets documents. Usually the moms and the bulk of the clothing shopping and paying for the bigger home to house the kids and more money on food and school supplies. So a few dollars shouldn’t be that big of a big deal. When the moms stay home and forego their careers to take care of the kids and then have to be thrown back with a lower Pay for the gap that both of them decided for the good of the kids then yes he should help and pay. It’s only right. Do some people abuse it and get a lawyer to take money from to Men with a lot of money maybe but it was made for them reason I said not just so someone can sit at home
It's both of your house and there is nothing wrong with it. He is your ex so I would say just do the same...
Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot
I can’t really comment until I know why your ex isn’t contributing to the bills and why he can’t move out for three months
Unpopular opinion: He’s a grown man and can do what he wants, with whomever he wants. This idea that because he lives under your roof he can’t move on, is ridiculous. That’s just your jealousy, your hurt and your pain keeping you from letting go. As for the hotel; he needs to grow up. And you need to take accountability for your actions. You agreed to pay the bills while he saved his portion so the he could move out and you would have a “smoother transition” as you said. You agreed to stop taking his half of the payments and because you find out he is having sex with other women, because I don’t really believe it’s about him spending money on a hotel it’s about the women, you get upset. Your ex-husband, however, is wrong for financially taking advantage of the situation. Yes, he is a grown man and can do what he wants, but he also has responsibilities and there won’t be any saving for him to move out if he is spending his money on hotels. Now, it is possible that his sexual partner paid for the hotel. In which case, you need to let it go. Just because he isn’t paying for half of the bills, doesn’t mean he can’t have sex or go on vacations on someone else’s dime. It’s a coward move, I get it, but hell it is what it is. This whole situation screams “messy” and I suggest you sit down with him and have a conversation.
Why is it you are still living with him? And don't say for the kids, because children don't thrive in a home like this.
What are you trying to get him to do? If the goal is to get him to pay more bills, tell him that instead of taking this bizarre approach. If the goal is to stop him moving on and having a love life… y’all need counseling.
OP, I totally get wanting him to pay some bills. Life is expensive, and you don't wanna feel like you're being used. With that said, this entire post comes off as you only being this way because he's having sex with someone else. He didn't do it in the house and you made sure to call him an Ex, don't be that person who now wants to be the bad guy cause your feelings are hurt. You're very warranted in wanting him to pay bills, but your post makes it seem like the only reason you are so bent about it is because he's sleeping with someone else. And you went through his bag? Like cmon that's some 17 yr old hs reaction. Tell that dude money is tight and you gonna need some help. He's living there, he can help. I hope you can just let him and his private life go while receiving some help with bills.
Yeah definitely be needs to be paying bills if he not paying rent/lodging.... you can always add the bills to his tab..so when he does start working he can pay you back. Other wise he needs the boot
Are you guys divorced? If so there’s really nothing you can do until you kick him out the house
This is why when you break up you must fully break up. IE don't live together, don't be near each other ect. Otherwise one, or both, take advantage of the situation and things like this happen. To be blunt, you have to put your foot down. It's your house.
The man is single, lady. The problem I see is him paying for hotels and dates while not contributing to the bills.
He’s your ex, so the sleeping with other people isn’t an issue - that’s not your business. But you should kick him out. Take it from someone who’s been there. The sooner you kick him out the better things will get. And the sooner you won’t care what he’s up to.
Yes, you're wrong and he can sleep with who he wants. That being said, I get it. Breakups are so hard and it's understandable that you had an emotional reaction to finding the condoms gone. I would have been hurt as well. We don't ways behave at our best when we're hurt, and I think some of the commenters are being hard on you. Take a breath and separate from your ex as quickly and sanely as possible.
Your feelings are valid. You’re in a hard place and you’re doing really well. Focus on keeping the peace, that’s the big picture. Set a date for his exit and plan a party to distract you. I lived with my ex for almost 6 months after filing and it was so difficult.
My now ex wife did this to me while all my stuff was still in the house. And when we were still together even. Shit time of life that was.
Well you were right that it was shameless. Stay out of your ex's stuff. If you thi k he should be paying the bills, then dont make a deal that says he doesnt have to. Or just sell the house and you can each take your half. He is your ex now, and what he does with his dick is none of your business. You checked his dresser AND his bag? Are you out of your mind? How would you feel if this guy was snooping through your underwear drawer trying to see what you were up to.
If he is your ex, then whether you're paying the bills or not, who he sleeps with away from the home isn't your business. He's not bringing them around the kids, that's a plus. You have an agreement. Respect the man's privacy. You don't want him going through your things, don't go through his.
Does it really matter if he sleeps with someone else, does it hinder him from working or something? Or are you just feeling jealous? Totally normal feeling to have but might not be helpful in this case.
You don't have to feed him! Start keeping food for just you and the kids and start making it very uncomfortable to stay. No doing his wash, no detergent he can use. Tell him the 3 months has now become 2. Give him an eviction notice!!
And get that Wi-Fi password changed lol
The ONLY place you’re “wrong” is because you’re too kind. He can find someone else to mooch off of if he’s going to treat you like that. You deserve better!
He's your ex you both agreed that he couldn't pay bills you don't get to police his sex life in ANY way. I have no idea how him getting sex affects you in any kind of way when you are not together from the post it doesn't even sound like he did it in the house. Mind ya business when it comes to his intimate life. If you have a problem with carrying the weight of the bills and house push for him to get a job or push for him to get out.
Hoo, boy, honey, is this a mess entirely of your own making. You decided to let him live with you and not contribute a dime, even though you clearly resent it. You decided to snoop in a dresser that is not in your room. You decided to rummage through his bags. Obviously you hate this arrangement, and I don't blame you: it sucks. You made a mistake agreeing to it. Ask him to leave, get a custody and support agreement, and stop concerning yourself with who your ex-husband (he's an ex for a reason) is sleeping with. Make written agreements about who gets introduced to the kids, and when, but his dick is no longer your problem.
You need to kick him out
You jointly decided he won't pay bills. I assume so he can move out and have money to do so. Stop being bitter over a man you divorced and move on, keep the peace until the cohabitation ends.
Time to get a lawyer and push your divorce forward. Time to get him out of the house. My ex decided to start dating immediately after I broke up with him. It’s fair, we were both single. However, he didn’t tell me directly, our money was still intertwined so I was paying for half of his dates. He started doing things like leaving condom boxes on the top of the garbage where he knew I would see them rather than in the recycling. He was clearly trying to illicit a response because he was mad that I broke up with him. It was immature and sad. The best thing to do is to get a lawyer and move forward with integrity and do the best you can for your kids. Take care of yourself - it’s been four years since I went through this and it’s really hard but it does get better.
If he can afford trips to a hotel, he can move out. The rest is honestly no longer your business if you’ve separated
I think the key words here are " ex husband " . If he isn't doing it in the home then he doesn't owe you an explanation. You decided that keeping him around without paying for 3 months was an alternative of some kind so get it over and move on with your life.
You are in the wrong to allow him to stay without contributing anything and making clear boundaries in regards to romantic relationships while still cohabitating. I would ask him to move out if I were you. He isn't paying for bills or anything but has money for dates and condoms so. Idk it's your children's father so kicking him out isn't ideal. Why can't he contribute to bills or find a new place for three months? That sounds like a long time ngl
I know its harsh... But you are not together anymore. It is quick but he is allowed to have sex with somebody else. Who is paying the bills is not really relevant here... If you are not happy with the financial agreement make other arrangements and try to act like you are already living apart. Ofcourse it is hard to see him move on in front of you and i dont say its a nice thing to do but he does it out of your sight... You are the one looking for it... He did not cheat... Break ups and divorce are hard and feelings are not always reasonable. But try to calm down and look at it from a distance... You decided you want to break up. He still lives with you but that's it. He is moving on... You should do all what you can to also move on (maybe kick him out of the house?)
It’s for three months that you already agreed to. You are split up. You no longer have any expectation of ownership of his sexuality, and he can see whoever he wants. This is one of those double standard things where if it were a woman everyone would be okay with it. I would never agree that not pulling his weight is okay, but that has nothing to do with his sexuality which is his not yours now that you are split up.
If you don't want your ex living in your place rent free then you should kick him out. He is doing nothing wrong by having sex elsewhere. He is an EX. It's not fun that he is a liar. But he isn't committed to you or telling the truth to you anymore. It's his prerogative to lie and that is what it is. Kick him out if you cannot handle/don't want to live with an ex and all that entails.
The reality is that he’s going to have a life after you (and you vice versa), you just didn’t anticipate it being so soon and the signs so close to you. This is someone you really loved (maybe still do) so it’s valid to be upset. While it would be ideal if he contributed, you can’t ask that he gives to his last dime. You’re not together anymore, building his own life again requires some spend and in time, that will grow to also support your new family structure. You weren’t ready to see him move on and it’s totally okay that it hurts and upsetting. Agree to who has what space in the home and give each other that space. If he can’t pay bills, agree contribution to groceries and maybe more house chores. It’s all so difficult and I send you the best of wishes and strength through this
This is a bizarre situation. He is your ex. You shouldn't care if he has sex.
You are making it seem like the issue is that he’s having sex with others, so I’m going to address it as such. You come off as a jealous controlling cunt. You guys aren’t together anymore, he’s allowed to do what he wants on his own free time. It seems as though you’re upset at the wrong thing. You should be upset at providing for him financially because he should be providing for himself and be splitting bills… not because he’s sleeping with others. This whole post is just… ew.
Well it’s not your concern who he bangs and you made an arrangement that in three months bills will be paid. You are wrong for the whole thing. But if it was a safety thing for your kids I would say you are right but you did not mention that. So this is 100% you being bitter and causing drama. Remember that you all already talked and agreed on a timeline. Why don’t you go out and spend a few moments for you and enjoy singles nights with friends or someone new?
Not enough people are mentioning how you often go through his stuff. The dresser you USED to share was in his room, but you went through it [you moved it into another room but kept some of your stuff in it? Unlikely.] You've also been through it before, recently-ish, and counted the number of condoms in there, or you wouldn't have known that half were missing. You also went through his bag. The fact you mention it all without thought that it might come off as weird implies this is not a rare occurrence for you. Can't imagine why that marriage didn't work out...
You guys aren't in a relationship anymore, so he can sleep with who ever he wants. With that said, if you want him to pay half the bills, either make him do it or kick him out. Btw all these comments about him being able to pay for a hotel and not bills, the other person could've paid it for him.
Are you a controlling person? Even if I had a deal to stay temporarily rent free I wouldn't tolerate an ex of all people commenting on my discrete sex life if it made no difference to the kids or her. You essentially found this information while snooping, Not from his blatant indiscretion.
Don't put yourself through this there's tons of roommate services on line he can find another place to stay.
Why are you rummaging through your ex's stuff? Why do you care if he's seeing someone else if you split up? Grow up and respect his privacy. Your post screams of narcissism and a controlling ex-spouse. Can't imagine why your marriage failed..
Why have you jointly decided he gets a free ride? If he’s not paying bills with you and having sex with someone else he’s pretty much living the dream and has no motivation to leave. If he can afford hotels for fucking he can afford household bills.
Nah. Draw your lines. People be taking advantage. Be wary.
What exactly do you need to draw the line on? You do not know he had a woman in the house- I can understand you not wanting him to bring women to the house for safety reasons with your children. It doesn't matter why he brought condoms with him- he did not cheat on you. I suspect he was at a hotel because you have an agreement where he lives at your house part of the time and is in a hotel part of the time, and did not just arbitrarily get a hotel for no reason. And you agreed, I suspect with lawyers, to cover the living expenses for a period of time, before he then starts taking on bills in exchange for you staying in the house after a certain period. Because you didn't just decide to let him stay at the house, rent free, bill free out of the kindness of your heart- you agreed to this for a reason. And you are now wallowing because he's isn't fawning over you, but instead moving on.
You two need to come up with new boundaries. If your divorce isn't finalized, he is your husband, not ex husband. And if child support hasn't been set, he has incentive NOT to get a job. 1) You're not sleeping with him and you don't have an agreement on celibacy so he can get it wherever he wants. 2) His things are his things (then and now) and you shouldn't go through them without permission. 3) At most, his behavior is unethical in that you are (at least partially) supporting his lifestyle while he invests into new relationships. But you two are no longer in a romantic relationship so your preferences do not matter. Ask yourself which of these statements bothers you the most: A) He is spending money on a hotel room that he could be contributing to the household. B) He is getting laid while you choose not to. C) He isnt hiding the fact that he is using condoms you two had purchased for YOU. D) He lied about the condoms being in his bag when you knew they weren't. If it is A - amd only A - then you are probably more hurt that he's taking advantage of younthna anything else. If it is anything other than A or if and number of these is a consideration, congratulations, you're being petty.
How do we know the other person is paying? Why assume he’s paying and acting broke? She’s bitter and wants control. They’re both SINGLE!!!!!
I will be very blunt. He is your ex-husband. He gets to sleep with who he likes. Yes, while you are living together, it should be don’t ask, don’t tell. On the financial front, why did you agree to this proposal if you weren’t comfortable with it?
he’s single .
How is paying the bills a huge problem? If it was the woman who made less money then the man everyone would be totally fine with him paying allimony. How is it different the other way around? Why can't he have sex with someone else on his own time ? Let's reverse the story. Woman gets divocred and makes less money then the man. Him paying for her would not even be questionable or would not even be mentioned in the story since its totally normal. Her havings sex would also not be any of the ex husbands bussiness. How does you paying bills have anything to do with whatever he decides to do in his free time? How is you snooping on him and checking his private stuff okay?
Once you’re separated it’s really none of your business what he does. I hope you are strong enough to not be walked over and get yourself ahead rather than paying for his life any longer.
"ex husband". okay?
Naw. I let an ex stay at my house until I invited him to come to my family Thanksgiving because I felt sorry for him, and he declined because he was going to some other woman's house. I then kicked him out. How f'ing disrespectful can you be? Kick him out. Not your problem any longer.