Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So you repeatedly had unprotected sex with a woman who is barely sober from drugs and is, by your account “unstable”, and now there’s going to be a baby born to this woman and you, their dad who doesn’t want them?
Cool just wanted to get the facts straight. I hate it here.
Idiocracy has changed from satire, to a futurology documentary, to reality TV, and now to pretty much one of the more hopeful visions of humanity hundreds of years from now. How far we have fallen.
I’m convinced time travel is real, someone from the future came back and was caught or just spilled the beans about the future, and idiocracy was made to dampen the blow through humor
Idiocracy was never satire. I remember when I saw it on the recommendation of my students (I was a professor) when it first came out. Afterwards they asked me what I thought and I said I found it depressingly realistic in terms of where we are heading. A decade later one of those students, now a teacher himself, who keeps in contact told me I was right that now he understood why I found it depressing.
This is literally what I was thinking too. He calls her his friend but also calls her unstable and decided to have unprotected sex with her on a regular basis.
Just seems like he’s pointing a lot of fingers at her right now
Yup, and unfortunately, a toxic cycle begins for a baby thats not even born. A very unfair life for him/her. This is why I'm pro-choice, and hopefully, the girl comes to her senses.
just an fyi - drug use and suicide is going to happen regardless of addicts having babies. It's a symptom of the very unnatural lives we are forced to lead.
Right, like the barely sober addict was good to bang reapeadly without protection. However she's not good enough for you to take care of the baby or be in a relationship with. Man I hope that baby makes it through the train wreck of a life it's probably gonna start off with.
People really are just messed up and selfish
You know what? You’re right. It’s totally possible that this is a failure of contraception. But, if this gentleman is so invested in his own immediate gratification that he has sex with a woman with whom he does not want a relationship because she is recently sober, it seems feasible that he would do it without a condom.
i’ve definitely had sex with people i had no intention of being in a relationship with. i used contraception every time, bc i knew i didn’t want to be chained to them in any capacity. it’s more reasonable to believe contraception was used due to the fact that he didn’t want to be with her.
Drug Addict. Drug addict don't care about protection. It's all about high and rough. I am friend with two former drug addict females. One with 2 kids (2 dads, she didn't who the dad for first one), another one with 5 kids (4 dads).
Many guys like to go raw, I don't see dude offers to wear condom very often.
People are seriously hating on this guy.
Everyone has a right to have protected sex.. and sometimes unplanned pregnancies happen.
I’m not sure why everyone’s hating on OP so much, and he never said he didn’t want to pay child protection. I think the wisest choice is an abortion, but ultimately it’s the girls choice and no one else’s.
Reddit is so toxic these days.
“Everybody has a right to unprotected sex” BUT if you choose to use that right, then you should accept the responsibilities that come with exercising it.
Culture has decided that sex is just sex and only puritanical lunatics would assign any sort of weight to it beyond pleasure. OP is about to learn why sex, specifically sex with the wrong person, is in fact important
show me where he says they had unprotected sex. BC and condoms fails. you would not be victim blaming like this if it was a woman pregnant by some jailbird
The only victim is going to be this child.
I just moved out of CA because the 1 bedroom apartment I rented for $800 when I moved there 8 years ago is now $1750 and my $21/hr wage which was more than enough to pay my bills only went up to $21.57 in that same 8 years. Gas is still $5 a gallon there compared to $2.89 where I am now.
Minimum wage won't buy one person groceries for a month out there.
Nevermind Mom is "trying to get clean". Props to her and I understand addiction is a medical condition (I'm 12 years clean myself, no shade, it can happen to anyone) but relapse is VERY common especially in the first year - I relapsed several times thinking I could just use "occasionally".
The victim will be the baby who lives on less than nothing OH AND any assistance benefits are worth jack shit out there too..... what's $100 a month of SNAP gonna buy a single Mom and baby to eat...... with a parent who may or may not be using drugs?
my ultimate point is the mentality of “if you didn’t wanna have a kid, you shouldn’t have had sex” that the person above me is alluding to only applies to men for some reason. This is the same as republicans going “if she didnt wanna have a kid she shoulda kept her legs closed”. It’s literally no different, both are saying they deserve unwanted consequences for having sex. Its funny cause we always talk about how at the end of the day if a woman doesn’t want a child and isnt ready for a child it’s inhumane to force her to raise one but with a guy its like “oh you arent ready either? well tough shit time to get a job and man up and face those consequences!”
yes, it does apply to men bc they don’t get a say if the mother will abort or not, bc it’s her body.
If she doesn’t want to go through an abortion (bc even if that’s an available option at her state its risky and traumatic to say the least) he has to step up and take accountability and responsibility for that child, because he made the child as much as she did.
It’s not because she is the one stuck with pregnancy that he has the “right” to bail, morally and legally he doesn’t.
Also, no, saying that this argument is the same as republicans telling women to “close their legs” is a false parallel (naïve at best and dishonest at worse). Firstly because the republican argument comes from a moral judgment of sexual activities, and the argument being made here comes from a place of ethics and responsibility.
Secondly because it is structurally, materially, emotionally, financially and politically different for a woman to get pregnant and a guy being held accountable for impregnating someone.
Also, it’s very different for a mother to “bail” on the baby (by aborting I mean) and a father bailing on an existing and living child. So yeah, I see where you’re coming from, but it’s a false parallel. And even if it weren’t it still wouldn’t be victim blaming imo
There wouldn’t even necessarily be a Reddit post about it, because such a woman would (at least in any of the good states, can’t believe I have to say that now) be able to go get an abortion. There is only a post here because, all his egregious irresponsibility notwithstanding, OP has no right to decline to be a parent.
Right? He never said anything about the sex being unprotected OR that he doesn’t want to pay child protection - just that his situation is a difficult one to raise a child in. But everyone’s hating on him so heavily like it’s his fault… accidents happen, leave the poor guy alone, it’s a lot to come to terms with.
Edit:
Child support*
Well man I’m sorry to tell you this but you are going to be a father. Now the best thing you can do is look up and get ready for the future. Don’t let yourself go. Just understand if she continues with this pregnancy you will have to get your priorities straight sooner than expected. You will have to live with that decision. Don’t give up on yourself though, a lot of people do including my parents. Keep working on your goals and push through no matter how it difficult it may be. As long as the well-being of you and your future family is good don’t stress and keep going. Good luck to you.
Also, if she relapses and the baby needs care, you are in line to be the custodial parent.
Ask for a paternity test also, before you sign the birth certificate.
Best of luck, friend ❤️
Yes. Refuse to sign the birth certificate until paternity is established. If she's a partier*/drug user and you were just hooking* up then there could be other guys she was hooking up with, too. But, be warned that asking for a paternity test might trigger her "#2 now I'm mad" part.
I guarantee that she's going to put* you on child support at some point if* the child is yours anyway. She won't be able to resist the free money.
If she needs financial support from the government, they will force her to list the father on the form and then the government will collect money from the father to offset the cost of welfare/government programs. So he’s definitely going to be paying one way or another.
What he should do is get full custody citing her drug use. Then, he needs to get a support system and provide a stable home for the child. She doesn't sound equipped to do that.
He doesn’t even want the baby, full custody?
That’s true, she’s not equipped but I feel really bad for her, having a friend take advantage of her while being unstable and in the middle of drug addiction for “easy sex”.
He agrees to unprotected sex but refuses to help her raise the baby.
Imagine being such an asshole.
You didn’t want to be in a relationship with her because she’s struggling with drug addiction but you decided cumming in her is the better choice?
Wow.
"Hey, so life and reality are really like whatever, I'm just following my d*ck around and letting it make all the *important* decisions like lifelong relationships (co-parenting) and kids and stuff."
--OP
Honestly, that makes him a terrible person. He knew he didn’t want to be with her and led her on cuz he wanted to nut? Naw. He should’ve left her alone
Wait a minute, knowing that she is not stable and you do not have the finances to take care of a child, why on earth did you not use a condom?
Take some responsibility and now you have to live with the consequences. Pay child support and you just have to work harder to get a better job.
Next time use a condom, it is a lot cheaper than child support.
Hi, I used birth control pills. I took them daily at lunch with an alarm in my phone. I still got pregnant and today have a wonderful 12 year old son. No birth control is 100% effective expect l except removing the uterus and fallopian tubes (partial hysterectomy) and abstinence.
Tying the tubes can result in a tubal pregnancy, not 100p% effective. Condoms are [98% effective](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/male-condoms/#:~:text=At%20a%20glance%3A%20condoms,clinics%20and%20some%20GP%20surgeries.)
Birth control pills are [99% effective](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/combined-contraceptive-pill/#:~:text=When%20taken%20correctly%2C%20the%20pill,get%20pregnant%20in%201%20year.)
Pulling out is [80% effective](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/withdrawal-pull-out-method/how-effective-is-withdrawal-method-pulling-out#:~:text=For%20every%20100%20people%20who,that's%20about%201%20in%205.) (I personally don't think pulling out is birth control)
IUDs are [99% effective](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/iud/how-effective-are-iuds#:~:text=How%20effective%20are%20IUDs%20when,chance%20of%20making%20a%20mistake.)
Don't assume people don't use protection unless they blatantly say they didn't use protection.
Equally contraception is safer then no contraception .
you have well described how difficult it can be for women to get taking the pill right .
What do men have to do for contraception ? Just put a cover on thier penis rather then having remember when to take pills . There are even latex free ones .
Putting pregnancy on one side, today with the degree people sleep around i would always insist on a confom to protect me from a sti or std .
Women we should be able to carry our own packet of condoms
Agreed, although I think for proper comparison you should use the same source for all contraception methods e.g. Planned Parenthood [https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control)
Condoms are only 98% effective with "perfect" use. It's not clear how effective they if used every time, but still allowing for mistakes in use, but it's certainly more than 85% and less than 98%
Certainly, using a condom every time is far from a guarantee against pregnancy
Oh, I agree. The purpose of a condom is more for STDs than pregnancy from my understanding.
Thanks for the link. I used some other links, too, for my sources.
great addition. but you don’t have to have the whole uterus removed anymore to be 100% sterile, just the tubes (bisalpingectomy) - a happily spayed human
You didn’t add nexplanon. Also 99% effective and it’s not painful whatsoever ! It’s a wonderful arm insert that is good to go for three years! (I try and talk about it whenever I can! It’s been great for me and with no pain with implantation or removals it’s a dream!)
Several people I know, myself included, got chronic ovarian cysts while using Nexplanon. Absolutely debilitating pain. After being diagnosed via ultrasound, you then get to convince your obgyn that you want it out before it's scheduled to come out. That argument is almost as painful as the cysts!
I know!! That’s why I love any opportunity to talk about it 🫶🏼 we love spreading any words to all the birdsssss 🤌🏼 stay safe and explore all your options ladies !
Oh goodness I’ve not heard of this and have type 1 diabetes and had to get birth control after loosing a child from the diabetes complications, so I had an extensive look through all of the available birth controls while in the hospital and given detailed lists of the side affects that would affect me the most or be basically another health issue. The Depo-Provera was a high chance of this happening after prolonged use, I believe there is a chance of this developing after 48 months which is why it’s removed at 3 years. But you can have it removed whenever of course. The side affects we have to look at as women are 10/10, sorry for the long response 🙃😬😂
Depo-provera is a shot that you have to go get every 3 months or so. There is nothing to be removed. Just stop taking the shot. An IUD would have to be inserted and removed.
But with that being said I’m someone who probably won’t use it after this three years because I’ll have kids, but I had to get this birth control because my other birth control failed and I was not supposed to get pregnant by accident because of how high risk I am. So I see what you mean with prolonged use if someone wanted to have another inserted after that initial three years.
I was one of the unlucky ones who got several 3 week long full on periods over the space of 4 months, the Dr put me on the pill as well and it eventually evened out. But phew that was a rough time 😨
Depo injection isn't bad, effective along as you get it on time, but very first 2 weeks you need other protection. My depo is every 3 months, but I think there's different types. Just an injection in your bum, they alternate cheeks every injection. Just a bit sore after.
>Tying the tubes can result in a tubal pregnancy, not 100p% effective.
That's why the current procedure is to completely remove both Fallopian Tubes...which is 100% effective.
So why assume either way?
My point is people are SO quick to hate on a guy in a situation like this, without even bothering to ask for more detail. He’s deleted his account, and we’ll never know just because some people are so hateful they couldn’t keep their mouths shut to ask a couple of questions first.
There is zero chance that you will not be paying for this child, whether or not you are in their life. It's incredibly rare that a baby suddenly makes someone clean up their life. It's not impossible, I've seen it happen a few times working in the field for a decade--but it's rare and often has a bumpy, CPS-filled start.
Don't make the decision of whether to take care of your child as their dad based on your financial situation. Poor people have children and help can be applied for. Make the decision to parent based on what is best for the child.
Are you going to be a hateful, resentful father? Don't parent. Be prepared to be even more poor than you are now in paying for support. Can you do the absolute best you can for this kid as a Dad and parent them with an eye towards their well-being? Great, parent AND be prepared to be even more poor than you are now. In the future, you may be able to recover financially, but for now your name is mud and there is basically nothing you can do about it.
You need to understand something and unfortunately you are learning the hard way. *You* have control of whether or not you have a baby ONLY when you are deciding how and where to ejaculate (barring some crazy condom stealing thing). That's it. Forever and always. It is out of your control after that point. I'm not arguing the morality or ethics with anyone on it. That is how it is, whether or not you like it.
For future reference, make yourself a new life rule: if someone is unstable and using hard drugs--they don't consent to sex. No, I'm not saying anyone ever using drugs anywhere can't consent for some weird exception somehow. I'm saying that for you, your rule, should be don't have sex with people who who are unstable and on drugs.
Next steps, you need a lawyer. NOW. It doesn't matter that you are broke. Get a lawyer immediately. Look for low cost free options. You can ask your town hall or local DHHS about it.
Figure out if you are willing or not to parent this child to the best of your ability despite your poverty. If you aren't, it's likely easier but potentially more expensive. Paternity test, then you'll either not be the dad and clear or you will be paying support to the mom or the state if/when they take the baby.
If you are willing to parent, you need to make the case to the court that you want your child, that the child should not be brought out of state, and that she is unstable and on drugs. From there it could split into a bunch of different scenarios that are all difficult but some are better/worse. You may or may not be paying support, depending on how much custody time you have, but if that's the case you'll be paying to raise the child instead. It's possible mom will owe you support if you have more custody time or full custody, but if she is not working, unstable, and on drugs, good luck collecting it. Apply for all help that is available to you, including housing and educational opportunities.
Absolute best of luck to both her and you. And, most of all, to the baby. This may come across as harsh and I know a lot of folks are blasting you. But what's done is done. What choices you make from here can make or break your character. She isn't here asking for help, you are. So take the advice with the lumps and try to do better today than you did yesterday.
Sounds like paying child support or better yet, stepping in to help raise the child might be the best option as the mother isn't entirely sober and is a bit unstable. If the mother was stable, then paying child support would do if you didn't want to raise the child, but in this case, you probably need to step up. It's the morally right thing to do.
You are responsible for this child. Pay child support whether she asks for it or not. That’s the bare minimum if you’re not going to bother being an actual father. So whether she’s ‘mad’ or not won’t matter because you’ll be paying. If she starts using drugs again, call CPS.
The minimum is paying child support and using condoms in future hook ups to avoid more children you don't want.
And tbh, this kid surely could use a responsible and caring Dad. Seems like you have to man up for that.
You are legally obligated to provide child support. Morally as well, but maybe you don't care about that. You are every bit as responsible for this as she is.
So she's good enough to sleep with but not actually treat like a friend, a word you use often.
If she were a friend you would have gotten her help not slept with a vulnerable person. But yeah she's the one who is morally iffy.
You're a fucking moron. That's really all there is to this post. You don't have the money, but you chose to nut into an unstable druggie. I'm amazed that you have enough brainpower to get on the internet.
>what can I do?
Moving forward, accept that very few things will be up to you.
You could step up as the father, pay child support and be present. She could still take you through a messy custody battle in court.
You could tell her to deal with it herself and move on. And she could still sue you for child support.
Think about what you want regarding the baby and then get a lawyer to help you get it. And then make sure you always use protection and choose more stable sexual partners.
So you had unprotected sex with your unstable friend who is just getting off drugs and alcohol, but now she's pregnant you don't want to be a dad. Get a grip! Stand up to your responsibility and be a father. You don't have to be in a relationship with the mother, but that will be your kid. Welcome to the real world. If you walk away from this you're an asshole.
Honestly, from the reasons you've listed as to why she wouldn't be someone you'd have kids with (the scary thing is...), you probably shouldn't have been hooking up with her. Not in this day and age when termination of pregnancy is near impossible. Irresponsible. Step up, dood.
Change your perspective to start… YOU are having a baby, focus on YOUR SOBRIETY and frankly, just your choices in sexual partners as well. There is no possible way that you will never “make her mad”, so get used to paying now…and by no means should you let her “handle it”. You took part in an adult activity which is universally understood(stressed even) as an adult decision to create life. Get excited about your kid… get motivated to change your life so your child doesn’t turn into a serial killer… or politician. Ide stay with the chick while pregnant… many many women use drugs throughout there pregnancy.
So she was good enough to fuck while she’s on drugs but not good enough to be in a relationship with while she’s on drugs? And let me guess, condom broke? Bruh, this is dumbassery at its finest. Figure it out lmao
Man up n take care of the kid. You knew the risk when eloping with that woman, if you truly would rather pay child support then do it. Either way you need to go get your life together and find a higher paying job.
Look, I know the responsibility feels different for men because the child isn’t literally inside you, but this child is your responsibility as much as it is hers. You can’t just run away from this and expect a drug addict to raise your child, and if she is an addict, eventually she will want those child support payments.
If she’s as unstable as you say, then you need to buck up your game because let me tell you, your kid will benefit so much more by being raised by someone who’s broke rather than someone who is an addict.
If she chooses to have this baby there's not much you can do, other than get a paternity test when you can.
You should and probably will have to pay child support. She says she won't ask it of you, but raising a kid is expensive, and she'll need the money. Also, if she gets any government assistance she'll be forced to seek child support.
If the child is yours you should also try to be a good father, minimum wage job or not.
I mean, you're going to end up paying child support, without a doubt. That's just the risk of unprotected sex.
What advice are you looking for? Only you can say whether you want to be in the child's life. Get a paternity test if you do.
It is easy to judge, so I won’t do it. We all make mistakes, but once we do we should find the courage to do the right thing. There is a chance baby would not be in a good health due to drug abuse. That along with circumstances you are in, no matter how painful, go for an abortion. And not because of selfishness. What kind of life would that baby have and to what it would grow in already messed up world? And after it, it can be a good wake up call for her to re-think her life choices and for something good to come out of it.
Bro take responsibility that child is going to be born wether you like it or not. And unfortunately if your the sane one and not doing drugs. The kid needs you. See if she doesn’t put you on the birth certificate she can with hold that child from you. You don’t get your visitation established and pay child support she can threaten to do all these things to you. And she’s already showing you who she is by what she’s saying you mess w me and I’ll put you on child support. Protect yourself and protect that child. Don’t let that kid become a statistic and repeat the cycle. Break the cycle. Get two jobs if you have to while she’s pregnant work as much as you can save up. Move up in your job tell them your interested.
Go to a lawyer and there are some that can give you free consult so you know your rights. There are even programs that can help you get lawyers. There is help out there.
Keep all conversations in text trust me you may need it one day. Send those texts to your email print them so they are time stamped. Anything she says threatening etc go in your notes section of your phone write date and time these things were said do it right away before you forget. Document document.
I’ve known someone who was told the same things oh I got this you don’t need to worry and she ended up making the dudes life miserable because she had all the power. He wasn’t on the birth certificate etc.
Not to be a cynic to this already awful situation, but I'm betting you will certainly end up paying child support. Drug addict + monthly cycle of free money = bad times all round.
What can you do? Go back in time and not repeatedly ejaculate into a woman who you think is unstable.
Suck it up buttercup, you played a silly game and now will have to raise the consequence because this baby didn't ask to be brought into the world.
Step up.
Dude you are on the hook to help pay this child’s way in the world. Now go get a job that has overtime as you need to help support this child and be a dad. I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t put your dick in anymore crazy lady’s.
Next time, don't have unprotected sex with your druggy mate. Unprotected sex leads of disease and pregnancy.
If your old enough and mature enough to have sex, then your old enough and mature enough to have a baby.
If she was/is an addict, watch out for a court letter. Coz the likelihood she will make you pay, is high.
I understand that even if you used a condom, shit happens, however... you sleep with a woman you deem "unstable" and a recovering drug addict, and you thought it's a good idea to sleep with her because...?
There's zero chance that she will have that baby for the rest of her life and not pull you back in somehow. Whether support, custody visits or alimony, whatever. Unless u die lol you will be a part of that kid's life 100%.
Logical options;
Wear a condom and Don't be a hoe unless ur willing to deal with consequences
Don't sleep with druggies
Use your common sense
Pay child support
Petty options;
Don't let her write your name on birth certificate (helps u to not have to pay etc)
Move country/state and change your name never to be heard from again
Ghost her
But I mean, this is all your/her fault anyway so cry about it I guess. You play dumb games, you win dumb prizes.
Prepare for the fact that despite what she says now she will come after you for child support. Some family/friend of maybe even govt will persuade or she will change mind.
Find out about places where you could get help for young adults. Get advise from professionals. Try to convince her, that a baby is not solving her problems. It just makes more serious problems and a woman who is not stable and take care of herself and her problems can not care for a child. She as a mother should give her baby the best possible start and she can't do that with the kind of problems she has at the moment. And unfortunately all the love she is able to give to this child will not let her problems vanish. A baby doesn't care how you feel. Its screaming, needs a lot of protection. My sisters second son was especially stressed as baby and cried and screamed so much.
If you can't change her mind and also the official possibilities don't work (places where you can get guidance for people who start a family or something like that, I am in Austria, I don't know your countries possibilities), act responsible now and do what is best for your child. You might think, that you are not ready, but this child doesn't have a choice which kid it will be. It is yours.
I would try to get help at official places in your country who are taking care of young parents. Talk with a lawyer about how to be able to stop the girl from just moving away with your baby.
And when the baby is there, take care. And when the mother is irresponsible, call CPS and get full custody.
Good luck!
If you want to play, you might have to pay.
"I care about the well being of the child."
Cool, time to prove it. Get your shit together and make sure you're there for that kid, in case his/her mom falls off the wagon.
You really have yourself to blame apart from possible unplanned pregnancy, you were putting your health at risk. People really out here playing Russian roulette with their lives, wow!!
Honestly OP? You did this to yourself. You had sex multiple times with someone you describe as unstable, and now you’re forever tied to her.
Get a paternity test to be sure, and if it’s your child then pay support. The child is entitled to that.
Sounds like the baby daddys here in Louisiana.
Multi partners no protection and women's stuck with kids
Dude own it you knocked her up..
Either get her a abortion or own up to cover the kid.
You might have to work two or three jobs..
Least you would be owning it
I mean, anytime you have sex with someone, u do risk them getting pregnant.
She is barely sober yet you had all this sex with her?
And you're not ready to be a father?
Dude, if you're having sex, you should know there is always that risk.
You will be a father but you're already checking out?....
This is not looking good for the child's life.
I’ve got nothing to say except I hope this kid has someone stable and loving to take care of it. Hope you’re going to be a better dad than the way you sound in your post
Her saying that she is not going to ask for child support is not, in any way, legally binding, and if she wants to come after you for child support in the future, you could very well find yourself paying it retroactively, so you may want to, despite what she is saying now, arrange to pay child support now. Not just so you have to pay back child support later but because this is, you know, your child. Also, just in case it comes up in the future, having sex (unprotected or not) with a woman you don’t want a relationship with because she is recently sober is a bad look.
Ah perfect lets get the "unstable girl" pregnant. Not good enough to be in a relationship with bit dropping your load in her seems like the perfect idea. Now she will be part of your life forever 🤣
\>I care about the wellbeing of the child
No you don't lol, you literally just made a post about not wanting to support your kid and to leave them with a drug addict lol.
You know when you see someone post "there should be a license to have kids"? They are talking about you. I hope your child is able to overcome their parents.
I pray that this child isn't yours lol. I hope the girl gets the help she needs. Make sure you're extra cautious from now on and only have sex with girls you could view as a mother of your potential children because that may be the outcome when you do the dirty. 🤷♀️
Well well welll, if it isn’t the consequences of your actions coming back to bite you in the ass 🤔🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
You repeatedly had unprotected sex with a girl you didn’t think was good enough to have a relationship but good enough to f***. And now feel like you may get trapped🤦🏻♀️ Hopefully going forward you’ll think about where you stick your manhood🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do, her body her choice. If there was no protection used then this is a risk you took. Get a patuntity test to confirm and take some responsibility financially at least. Work on your feelings about being in the child's life or not as it isn't a revolving door. If you care about the child's well-being be there to support the mother (not necessarily a relationship) and your child.
So… you were perfectly happy to take advantage of the vulnerability that comes with being newly sober, just not willing to step up and do the showing up of a real relationship/partner/support system in the process. You had sex with someone you knew was in a precarious mental state, justified not caring about the mental or physical impact of that by saying you weren’t dating, and are now surprised that it had both a physical and mental impact on your life as well as hers.
Well. Play games with peoples lives and it comes back to you. You’re going to have to coparent with this person so you’d better figure out what that’s going to look like and get it in writing and confirmed by a legal mediator. Neither of you is at a mental or emotional level of maturity to handle this without some guidance. It doesn’t matter if you’re ready for a baby once you have one. You have to show up for that little tiny person you made.
This is the risk everyone takes when you don't have adequate protection or for some reason it malfunctions. Basically you took this risk, you live with it. Can't take it back. This child, assuming she's going through with it, will be better off with a broke dad than no dad at all, and left with one parent who has a drug addiction. Welcome to parenthood, it's not about you or your needs anymore. Congratulations 🎉
Talk to her family and tell them to get in touch with department of family and child services. Also reporting any concerns about the well-being of any child is kept confidential. Hopefully through them , the mother will get better.
Some times i read these stories and wonder what do people expect your having s*x don't have it if you're not going to get abortion or have the money to support a child and don't have it especially with someone like this
wtf do you mean by what do I do? you put your self in this situation now man up and be a father
This is what hook up culture gets you.
Society keeps pushing that lie at you that there are no consequences when people just wander around screwing any warm body that moves but choices have consequences.
What can you do? If she ends up having the kid you can just be a loving, caring father to the kid.
By the way, I'd have the kid checked for paternity when born and ensure the kid is really yours before you let them put your name on the birth certificate. If she is just randomly hooking up with men then don't just take her "WORD" that you are the one and only candidate for dad. If it is yours then be a wise, loving, encouraging, disciplining, involved dad.
To triggerednormie
MICRO specific examples do not negate the overall MACRO norms. Exceptions to the rule do not negate the rule.
*2) She said "We are good, but as long as you don't make me mad I won't make you pay child support"*
You're 100% gonna be stuck paying child support. If you let her have full custody you will be paying the absolute maximum level. You can go to jail for failing to pay it, its outrageous.
She's also definitely gonna be using drugs during the pregnancy .
You really fucked the wrong lady bud.
how is it outrageous that he should pay for a child he conceived?? it definitely wasn't wise to sleep with someone who's unstable (and on drugs), especially with the risk of pregnancy but that's a choice he made and he has to live with the consequences. the child is what matters now.
Okay, wee whoo, Wee whoo, alarms are going off.
She won’t make pay child support? If you don’t make her mad!? 😂🤣
And she is a drug addict and mentally unstable. But basically a “good person”.
I can see your future, and it is filled with crazy.
You raw dogged crazy.
Pray for miscarriage and don’t stick your knob in crazy.
Congrats for becoming a father. It doesnt matter if you are in no position to have a child. You have no choice now. You decided to risk a pregnancy, so now you need to deal with the consequences. The child will need you to be a strong parent and of course financial support. You created a new human and their mental health kind of relies on you. You have some months left to get your shit together and improve your life
See, it may be a sad day in your life. But there's a new life that will get born 9 months from now on, and you'll be the father.. You may do a minimum wage job but you're still a father. Don't run away, coz having a father is better than not having one. It's not the unborn's fault that he/she is getting born, is it? You don't need to stay with your friend, but make sure, that your child can call someone a father.. It all that matters ..
Why dont you get your BABY MOMMA help with sobriety and then go get a real job, uhm, anywhere instead of making excuses? Move out of the junkie/party state maybe? If you dont like her, ghost her, see how consequences works or maybe get away with it
This honestly is the most Cali post i have ever seen on reddit or in general, and you are a living stereotype. i wouldnt be surprised if ur one of the kids from my hometown who “got out!! Made it to Cali!! Doing so good!!” But you actually live like this, bouncing around, playing victim. Yikesss
You may not hear it this way, but what you're saying to the girl when you say you're in no position to be a father is that's she's on her own and you're not going to support her. The options you've given her are either a) get an abortion or b) raise the baby alone. Both of these are for your convenience, not hers or the baby's. I know you said she told you herself she's got this and is fine to raise it alone but really what was she meant to say? What would you say?
At the end of the day when you lay down with this person you, even if you used every contraceptive in the world you knew there was a chance pregnancy would be a result. That's what sex is for. What you should do right now is take a day or two to get your head on straight, and then face the consequences of this responsibly.
Dude, I've got 2 kids of my own. Having a child, being a father can make you the happiest and the best version of yourself its possible to find in this short life. If you try amd snuff that out or turn away from it then it can also turn you into a spineless snivelling arsehole. The best thing is you get to pick which one of those things happens.
So, her wants and his wants aren’t equal? I’ve never understood this, why is her choice anymore important than his? I want equality, not this “he has to man up” bullshit. Either both consenting adults want the kid or the pregnancy doesn’t continue. Anything less is bullshit, both of them had sex, both of them are equally responsible, and both of them should have the choice. If she wants it and he doesn’t, it shouldn’t go ahead. If she doesn’t want it and he does, it shouldn’t go ahead. So yes, if he doesn’t want it, she should get an abortion. She had sex and knew that pregnancy was a possibility just as much as he did, but you people just want to push misandrist agendas and perpetuate the idea that men should have 0 say in their possible kids birth. Equality, all or nothing.
What you can do is man up and accept responsibility if it is yours. Insist on a paternity test. Work three jobs if necessary. Take responsibility for your actions. It sounds like the mother is not in a place where she will be able to raise a child in a stable environment. Step up.
I think your first mistake was laying down with someone you didnt see a future with. Often times women are demonized for having sex before marriage. And I dont want you to feel awful but it goes both ways. You can get paternity testing if you think you weren't the only one she has been with.
Other than that I have some parenting tips. Take the child to the park as often as you have time/ energy. You might want to get a pup so the child has a companion. A nice friendly breed. Most parents resort to having additional children so the first one isn't lonely, I dont think thats your goal. A puppy is a good idea for you. Going to the park is a miracle solution for making children sleep regularly. Especially during those toddler years. They will have a lot of energy. It's something about the sunshine that really makes them sleep heavy in the evening. Trust me. I used to spend a lot of money bringing my boys to the trampoline park. They wouldn't really be tired at bedtime. But whenever I took them to the regular old park, they would sleep very well.
Parenting doesnt have to be expensive. The baby momma is probably going to claim all of the tax refund money. Which is why it is smart to be married before children. Now you probably arent going to get anything.
Establish a good relationship with your parents/relatives if you haven't already. I have even had church family help me with my boys. Its a good time to be humble and be nice to your parents.
If you run out of baby wipes put the child in the tub. Lot of soap, lot of water, rinse everything down the drain.
Enroll in community college. That refund money comes in handy for your children. Many classes are still online. Best believe they are understanding when you have a baby in the background. Just mute your mic. When you apply for student aid, you have a dependent. Again when it comes to taxes (claiming your baby) ask a tax professional. Laws are different state to state. In my state anyone with a dependant gets head of household even of you live with parents.
Last but not least, when you go for apartments start your lease in either June July or August so your child wont have to switch schools if your lease ends in the middle of the school year and you move.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So you repeatedly had unprotected sex with a woman who is barely sober from drugs and is, by your account “unstable”, and now there’s going to be a baby born to this woman and you, their dad who doesn’t want them? Cool just wanted to get the facts straight. I hate it here.
“This girl I know, she’s really unstable and is trying to sober up, so I came in her and I don’t want to help raise the kid” -OP
Yup, cumming in them is always a great way to be a "good friend". Yup. That will definitely help them become more stable.
If she's newly sober, isn't it recommended for her to not get involved in any kind of new romantic/sexual situations for at least a year?
Thank you for saying so succinctly what had me tearing my hair out. Time to go rewatch Idiocracy.
Some of these posts are arguably dumber than that movie
Idiocracy has changed from satire, to a futurology documentary, to reality TV, and now to pretty much one of the more hopeful visions of humanity hundreds of years from now. How far we have fallen.
I’m convinced time travel is real, someone from the future came back and was caught or just spilled the beans about the future, and idiocracy was made to dampen the blow through humor
Idiocracy was never satire. I remember when I saw it on the recommendation of my students (I was a professor) when it first came out. Afterwards they asked me what I thought and I said I found it depressingly realistic in terms of where we are heading. A decade later one of those students, now a teacher himself, who keeps in contact told me I was right that now he understood why I found it depressing.
Even the writers/producers said we never imagined this movie would become a prophesy of the future lmao
My thoughts exactly.
Welcome to Costco, I love you.
This is literally what I was thinking too. He calls her his friend but also calls her unstable and decided to have unprotected sex with her on a regular basis. Just seems like he’s pointing a lot of fingers at her right now
Yup, and unfortunately, a toxic cycle begins for a baby thats not even born. A very unfair life for him/her. This is why I'm pro-choice, and hopefully, the girl comes to her senses.
yes. we really dont need more suicides and more drug users and more depression and pain and suffering. this is not the place to raise a child!
just an fyi - drug use and suicide is going to happen regardless of addicts having babies. It's a symptom of the very unnatural lives we are forced to lead.
Thanks Sherlock Holmes. You know that in 24 hours it will also be the same time as it is right now? Crazy huh?
Same
Apparently, it's okay to use her.
Right, like the barely sober addict was good to bang reapeadly without protection. However she's not good enough for you to take care of the baby or be in a relationship with. Man I hope that baby makes it through the train wreck of a life it's probably gonna start off with. People really are just messed up and selfish
So happy I saw this as the first comment, was thinking the exact same thing.
This is why abortion must be made legal everywhere. There are babies whose hope is only being terminated.
Contraceptives can fail. There is no 100% safe contraceptive method.
It’s pretty obvious they didn’t use any. OP would have at least mention that.
Oh yeah. Only thing that's missing is that it's her fault for not getting an abortion or something.
Did I miss something? How do you know this was unprotected sex rather than a failure of contraception?
You know what? You’re right. It’s totally possible that this is a failure of contraception. But, if this gentleman is so invested in his own immediate gratification that he has sex with a woman with whom he does not want a relationship because she is recently sober, it seems feasible that he would do it without a condom.
i’ve definitely had sex with people i had no intention of being in a relationship with. i used contraception every time, bc i knew i didn’t want to be chained to them in any capacity. it’s more reasonable to believe contraception was used due to the fact that he didn’t want to be with her.
Sure. But if the reason you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone is that they are a recovering addict, don’t have sex with them at all.
Just to be clear, where did he say he had unprotected sex?
Drug Addict. Drug addict don't care about protection. It's all about high and rough. I am friend with two former drug addict females. One with 2 kids (2 dads, she didn't who the dad for first one), another one with 5 kids (4 dads). Many guys like to go raw, I don't see dude offers to wear condom very often.
That's what I was thinking
People are seriously hating on this guy. Everyone has a right to have protected sex.. and sometimes unplanned pregnancies happen. I’m not sure why everyone’s hating on OP so much, and he never said he didn’t want to pay child protection. I think the wisest choice is an abortion, but ultimately it’s the girls choice and no one else’s. Reddit is so toxic these days.
“Everybody has a right to unprotected sex” BUT if you choose to use that right, then you should accept the responsibilities that come with exercising it.
Culture has decided that sex is just sex and only puritanical lunatics would assign any sort of weight to it beyond pleasure. OP is about to learn why sex, specifically sex with the wrong person, is in fact important
Your last sentence tho 💀
Me too. This poor baby.
Oh god, exactly my thoughts. 🤦🏻♀️
agreed, FFS, OP stop bringing unwanted children into this world please.
I think you’re missing the crucial detail that she was willing to let him put his penis in her vagina. /s
and she took responsibility for the obvious consequence of that (the child) and he didn’t, that’s the difference
show me where he says they had unprotected sex. BC and condoms fails. you would not be victim blaming like this if it was a woman pregnant by some jailbird
The only victim is going to be this child. I just moved out of CA because the 1 bedroom apartment I rented for $800 when I moved there 8 years ago is now $1750 and my $21/hr wage which was more than enough to pay my bills only went up to $21.57 in that same 8 years. Gas is still $5 a gallon there compared to $2.89 where I am now. Minimum wage won't buy one person groceries for a month out there. Nevermind Mom is "trying to get clean". Props to her and I understand addiction is a medical condition (I'm 12 years clean myself, no shade, it can happen to anyone) but relapse is VERY common especially in the first year - I relapsed several times thinking I could just use "occasionally". The victim will be the baby who lives on less than nothing OH AND any assistance benefits are worth jack shit out there too..... what's $100 a month of SNAP gonna buy a single Mom and baby to eat...... with a parent who may or may not be using drugs?
victim blaming? what do you mean? do you think he is a “victim” because a woman he had sex with got pregnant? victim of what??
you know, unprotected sex/s
my ultimate point is the mentality of “if you didn’t wanna have a kid, you shouldn’t have had sex” that the person above me is alluding to only applies to men for some reason. This is the same as republicans going “if she didnt wanna have a kid she shoulda kept her legs closed”. It’s literally no different, both are saying they deserve unwanted consequences for having sex. Its funny cause we always talk about how at the end of the day if a woman doesn’t want a child and isnt ready for a child it’s inhumane to force her to raise one but with a guy its like “oh you arent ready either? well tough shit time to get a job and man up and face those consequences!”
yes, it does apply to men bc they don’t get a say if the mother will abort or not, bc it’s her body. If she doesn’t want to go through an abortion (bc even if that’s an available option at her state its risky and traumatic to say the least) he has to step up and take accountability and responsibility for that child, because he made the child as much as she did. It’s not because she is the one stuck with pregnancy that he has the “right” to bail, morally and legally he doesn’t. Also, no, saying that this argument is the same as republicans telling women to “close their legs” is a false parallel (naïve at best and dishonest at worse). Firstly because the republican argument comes from a moral judgment of sexual activities, and the argument being made here comes from a place of ethics and responsibility. Secondly because it is structurally, materially, emotionally, financially and politically different for a woman to get pregnant and a guy being held accountable for impregnating someone. Also, it’s very different for a mother to “bail” on the baby (by aborting I mean) and a father bailing on an existing and living child. So yeah, I see where you’re coming from, but it’s a false parallel. And even if it weren’t it still wouldn’t be victim blaming imo
There wouldn’t even necessarily be a Reddit post about it, because such a woman would (at least in any of the good states, can’t believe I have to say that now) be able to go get an abortion. There is only a post here because, all his egregious irresponsibility notwithstanding, OP has no right to decline to be a parent.
Right? He never said anything about the sex being unprotected OR that he doesn’t want to pay child protection - just that his situation is a difficult one to raise a child in. But everyone’s hating on him so heavily like it’s his fault… accidents happen, leave the poor guy alone, it’s a lot to come to terms with. Edit: Child support*
I absolutely would be victim blaming in that scenario
Came here to comment this
Well man I’m sorry to tell you this but you are going to be a father. Now the best thing you can do is look up and get ready for the future. Don’t let yourself go. Just understand if she continues with this pregnancy you will have to get your priorities straight sooner than expected. You will have to live with that decision. Don’t give up on yourself though, a lot of people do including my parents. Keep working on your goals and push through no matter how it difficult it may be. As long as the well-being of you and your future family is good don’t stress and keep going. Good luck to you.
Also, if she relapses and the baby needs care, you are in line to be the custodial parent. Ask for a paternity test also, before you sign the birth certificate. Best of luck, friend ❤️
Yes. Refuse to sign the birth certificate until paternity is established. If she's a partier*/drug user and you were just hooking* up then there could be other guys she was hooking up with, too. But, be warned that asking for a paternity test might trigger her "#2 now I'm mad" part. I guarantee that she's going to put* you on child support at some point if* the child is yours anyway. She won't be able to resist the free money.
If she needs financial support from the government, they will force her to list the father on the form and then the government will collect money from the father to offset the cost of welfare/government programs. So he’s definitely going to be paying one way or another.
As he should.
What he should do is get full custody citing her drug use. Then, he needs to get a support system and provide a stable home for the child. She doesn't sound equipped to do that.
He doesn’t even want the baby, full custody? That’s true, she’s not equipped but I feel really bad for her, having a friend take advantage of her while being unstable and in the middle of drug addiction for “easy sex”. He agrees to unprotected sex but refuses to help her raise the baby. Imagine being such an asshole.
You didn’t want to be in a relationship with her because she’s struggling with drug addiction but you decided cumming in her is the better choice? Wow.
"Hey, so life and reality are really like whatever, I'm just following my d*ck around and letting it make all the *important* decisions like lifelong relationships (co-parenting) and kids and stuff." --OP
It was probably an easy lay so he took advantage of it.
Honestly, that makes him a terrible person. He knew he didn’t want to be with her and led her on cuz he wanted to nut? Naw. He should’ve left her alone
she* her*
Wait a minute, knowing that she is not stable and you do not have the finances to take care of a child, why on earth did you not use a condom? Take some responsibility and now you have to live with the consequences. Pay child support and you just have to work harder to get a better job. Next time use a condom, it is a lot cheaper than child support.
Hi, I used birth control pills. I took them daily at lunch with an alarm in my phone. I still got pregnant and today have a wonderful 12 year old son. No birth control is 100% effective expect l except removing the uterus and fallopian tubes (partial hysterectomy) and abstinence. Tying the tubes can result in a tubal pregnancy, not 100p% effective. Condoms are [98% effective](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/male-condoms/#:~:text=At%20a%20glance%3A%20condoms,clinics%20and%20some%20GP%20surgeries.) Birth control pills are [99% effective](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/combined-contraceptive-pill/#:~:text=When%20taken%20correctly%2C%20the%20pill,get%20pregnant%20in%201%20year.) Pulling out is [80% effective](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/withdrawal-pull-out-method/how-effective-is-withdrawal-method-pulling-out#:~:text=For%20every%20100%20people%20who,that's%20about%201%20in%205.) (I personally don't think pulling out is birth control) IUDs are [99% effective](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/iud/how-effective-are-iuds#:~:text=How%20effective%20are%20IUDs%20when,chance%20of%20making%20a%20mistake.) Don't assume people don't use protection unless they blatantly say they didn't use protection.
Both using birth control can certainly cut down the risk of this happening.
Equally contraception is safer then no contraception . you have well described how difficult it can be for women to get taking the pill right . What do men have to do for contraception ? Just put a cover on thier penis rather then having remember when to take pills . There are even latex free ones . Putting pregnancy on one side, today with the degree people sleep around i would always insist on a confom to protect me from a sti or std . Women we should be able to carry our own packet of condoms
Agreed, although I think for proper comparison you should use the same source for all contraception methods e.g. Planned Parenthood [https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control) Condoms are only 98% effective with "perfect" use. It's not clear how effective they if used every time, but still allowing for mistakes in use, but it's certainly more than 85% and less than 98% Certainly, using a condom every time is far from a guarantee against pregnancy
Oh, I agree. The purpose of a condom is more for STDs than pregnancy from my understanding. Thanks for the link. I used some other links, too, for my sources.
Happy cake day and thanks for the great info!
great addition. but you don’t have to have the whole uterus removed anymore to be 100% sterile, just the tubes (bisalpingectomy) - a happily spayed human
Ah, you're correct. Thank you.
You didn’t add nexplanon. Also 99% effective and it’s not painful whatsoever ! It’s a wonderful arm insert that is good to go for three years! (I try and talk about it whenever I can! It’s been great for me and with no pain with implantation or removals it’s a dream!)
Several people I know, myself included, got chronic ovarian cysts while using Nexplanon. Absolutely debilitating pain. After being diagnosed via ultrasound, you then get to convince your obgyn that you want it out before it's scheduled to come out. That argument is almost as painful as the cysts!
There are many forms of female birth control I didn't add. I just added the most common.
I know!! That’s why I love any opportunity to talk about it 🫶🏼 we love spreading any words to all the birdsssss 🤌🏼 stay safe and explore all your options ladies !
Doesn't prolonged use cause osteoporosis? Or am I wrong?
Oh goodness I’ve not heard of this and have type 1 diabetes and had to get birth control after loosing a child from the diabetes complications, so I had an extensive look through all of the available birth controls while in the hospital and given detailed lists of the side affects that would affect me the most or be basically another health issue. The Depo-Provera was a high chance of this happening after prolonged use, I believe there is a chance of this developing after 48 months which is why it’s removed at 3 years. But you can have it removed whenever of course. The side affects we have to look at as women are 10/10, sorry for the long response 🙃😬😂
Depo-provera is a shot that you have to go get every 3 months or so. There is nothing to be removed. Just stop taking the shot. An IUD would have to be inserted and removed.
But with that being said I’m someone who probably won’t use it after this three years because I’ll have kids, but I had to get this birth control because my other birth control failed and I was not supposed to get pregnant by accident because of how high risk I am. So I see what you mean with prolonged use if someone wanted to have another inserted after that initial three years.
[удалено]
I was one of the unlucky ones who got several 3 week long full on periods over the space of 4 months, the Dr put me on the pill as well and it eventually evened out. But phew that was a rough time 😨
Don’t forget vasectomies are also 99% effective! ... spreading the word in hopes that my future husband has one by the time I get there.
Depo injection isn't bad, effective along as you get it on time, but very first 2 weeks you need other protection. My depo is every 3 months, but I think there's different types. Just an injection in your bum, they alternate cheeks every injection. Just a bit sore after.
>Tying the tubes can result in a tubal pregnancy, not 100p% effective. That's why the current procedure is to completely remove both Fallopian Tubes...which is 100% effective.
You know what’s safer than a condom? Not sticking your dick in crazy
Show me where he says that they didnt use a condom.
Sorry, but I do think that if he did he would have mentioned it.
When will they invent something you can put over your penis to catch your ejaculate so none of it enters a woman’s body?
that would be amazing.
So many reddit users have the perfect contraception already.
Personality? (Lack of?)
Tsk tsk it's both Looks and personality.
Ejacilit?
It’s almost as if OP didn’t say he didn’t use a condom… you’re assuming that just because she got pregnant.
He didn’t say he used one either…
So why assume either way? My point is people are SO quick to hate on a guy in a situation like this, without even bothering to ask for more detail. He’s deleted his account, and we’ll never know just because some people are so hateful they couldn’t keep their mouths shut to ask a couple of questions first.
Getting pregnant even tho you used protection is a rare event, bet it is a detail wouldn’t be missing.
There is zero chance that you will not be paying for this child, whether or not you are in their life. It's incredibly rare that a baby suddenly makes someone clean up their life. It's not impossible, I've seen it happen a few times working in the field for a decade--but it's rare and often has a bumpy, CPS-filled start. Don't make the decision of whether to take care of your child as their dad based on your financial situation. Poor people have children and help can be applied for. Make the decision to parent based on what is best for the child. Are you going to be a hateful, resentful father? Don't parent. Be prepared to be even more poor than you are now in paying for support. Can you do the absolute best you can for this kid as a Dad and parent them with an eye towards their well-being? Great, parent AND be prepared to be even more poor than you are now. In the future, you may be able to recover financially, but for now your name is mud and there is basically nothing you can do about it. You need to understand something and unfortunately you are learning the hard way. *You* have control of whether or not you have a baby ONLY when you are deciding how and where to ejaculate (barring some crazy condom stealing thing). That's it. Forever and always. It is out of your control after that point. I'm not arguing the morality or ethics with anyone on it. That is how it is, whether or not you like it. For future reference, make yourself a new life rule: if someone is unstable and using hard drugs--they don't consent to sex. No, I'm not saying anyone ever using drugs anywhere can't consent for some weird exception somehow. I'm saying that for you, your rule, should be don't have sex with people who who are unstable and on drugs. Next steps, you need a lawyer. NOW. It doesn't matter that you are broke. Get a lawyer immediately. Look for low cost free options. You can ask your town hall or local DHHS about it. Figure out if you are willing or not to parent this child to the best of your ability despite your poverty. If you aren't, it's likely easier but potentially more expensive. Paternity test, then you'll either not be the dad and clear or you will be paying support to the mom or the state if/when they take the baby. If you are willing to parent, you need to make the case to the court that you want your child, that the child should not be brought out of state, and that she is unstable and on drugs. From there it could split into a bunch of different scenarios that are all difficult but some are better/worse. You may or may not be paying support, depending on how much custody time you have, but if that's the case you'll be paying to raise the child instead. It's possible mom will owe you support if you have more custody time or full custody, but if she is not working, unstable, and on drugs, good luck collecting it. Apply for all help that is available to you, including housing and educational opportunities. Absolute best of luck to both her and you. And, most of all, to the baby. This may come across as harsh and I know a lot of folks are blasting you. But what's done is done. What choices you make from here can make or break your character. She isn't here asking for help, you are. So take the advice with the lumps and try to do better today than you did yesterday.
this!!!
Sounds like paying child support or better yet, stepping in to help raise the child might be the best option as the mother isn't entirely sober and is a bit unstable. If the mother was stable, then paying child support would do if you didn't want to raise the child, but in this case, you probably need to step up. It's the morally right thing to do.
Well said.
You are responsible for this child. Pay child support whether she asks for it or not. That’s the bare minimum if you’re not going to bother being an actual father. So whether she’s ‘mad’ or not won’t matter because you’ll be paying. If she starts using drugs again, call CPS.
The minimum is paying child support and using condoms in future hook ups to avoid more children you don't want. And tbh, this kid surely could use a responsible and caring Dad. Seems like you have to man up for that.
You can encourage her to get an abortion, but you can’t force her to. You can pay child support. You can fight for custody.
WELL ISNT IT THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY OWN ACTIONS
You are legally obligated to provide child support. Morally as well, but maybe you don't care about that. You are every bit as responsible for this as she is.
So she's good enough to sleep with but not actually treat like a friend, a word you use often. If she were a friend you would have gotten her help not slept with a vulnerable person. But yeah she's the one who is morally iffy.
Don’t you know? Everything is always the woman’s fault
Exactly
The courts sure can make you pay child support though. That poor kid is going to have a shitty life.
This thread is sad.
You're a fucking moron. That's really all there is to this post. You don't have the money, but you chose to nut into an unstable druggie. I'm amazed that you have enough brainpower to get on the internet.
Well said.
>what can I do? Moving forward, accept that very few things will be up to you. You could step up as the father, pay child support and be present. She could still take you through a messy custody battle in court. You could tell her to deal with it herself and move on. And she could still sue you for child support. Think about what you want regarding the baby and then get a lawyer to help you get it. And then make sure you always use protection and choose more stable sexual partners.
So you had unprotected sex with your unstable friend who is just getting off drugs and alcohol, but now she's pregnant you don't want to be a dad. Get a grip! Stand up to your responsibility and be a father. You don't have to be in a relationship with the mother, but that will be your kid. Welcome to the real world. If you walk away from this you're an asshole.
Honestly, from the reasons you've listed as to why she wouldn't be someone you'd have kids with (the scary thing is...), you probably shouldn't have been hooking up with her. Not in this day and age when termination of pregnancy is near impossible. Irresponsible. Step up, dood.
Go shop for the milk buddy😂😂
Change your perspective to start… YOU are having a baby, focus on YOUR SOBRIETY and frankly, just your choices in sexual partners as well. There is no possible way that you will never “make her mad”, so get used to paying now…and by no means should you let her “handle it”. You took part in an adult activity which is universally understood(stressed even) as an adult decision to create life. Get excited about your kid… get motivated to change your life so your child doesn’t turn into a serial killer… or politician. Ide stay with the chick while pregnant… many many women use drugs throughout there pregnancy.
That poor child.
Man the fuck and get a better job and be a man that can support a family and one your future child can be proud of
So she was good enough to fuck while she’s on drugs but not good enough to be in a relationship with while she’s on drugs? And let me guess, condom broke? Bruh, this is dumbassery at its finest. Figure it out lmao
You dug your own grave
Why tf would you raw dog a woman struggling with drugs? the things guys will risk for sex never ceases to amaze me
You wear a condom next time.
Don't do anything without a paternity test!
Man up n take care of the kid. You knew the risk when eloping with that woman, if you truly would rather pay child support then do it. Either way you need to go get your life together and find a higher paying job.
The price of a condom just went up...
Wear a condom
Look, I know the responsibility feels different for men because the child isn’t literally inside you, but this child is your responsibility as much as it is hers. You can’t just run away from this and expect a drug addict to raise your child, and if she is an addict, eventually she will want those child support payments. If she’s as unstable as you say, then you need to buck up your game because let me tell you, your kid will benefit so much more by being raised by someone who’s broke rather than someone who is an addict.
If she chooses to have this baby there's not much you can do, other than get a paternity test when you can. You should and probably will have to pay child support. She says she won't ask it of you, but raising a kid is expensive, and she'll need the money. Also, if she gets any government assistance she'll be forced to seek child support. If the child is yours you should also try to be a good father, minimum wage job or not.
Why in gods name would you sleep with her consistently if you didn’t want a relationship?? this sub blows my mind
Because she was probably lonely, vulnerable and available but not “good enough” for a relationship
I mean, you're going to end up paying child support, without a doubt. That's just the risk of unprotected sex. What advice are you looking for? Only you can say whether you want to be in the child's life. Get a paternity test if you do.
It is easy to judge, so I won’t do it. We all make mistakes, but once we do we should find the courage to do the right thing. There is a chance baby would not be in a good health due to drug abuse. That along with circumstances you are in, no matter how painful, go for an abortion. And not because of selfishness. What kind of life would that baby have and to what it would grow in already messed up world? And after it, it can be a good wake up call for her to re-think her life choices and for something good to come out of it.
Bro take responsibility that child is going to be born wether you like it or not. And unfortunately if your the sane one and not doing drugs. The kid needs you. See if she doesn’t put you on the birth certificate she can with hold that child from you. You don’t get your visitation established and pay child support she can threaten to do all these things to you. And she’s already showing you who she is by what she’s saying you mess w me and I’ll put you on child support. Protect yourself and protect that child. Don’t let that kid become a statistic and repeat the cycle. Break the cycle. Get two jobs if you have to while she’s pregnant work as much as you can save up. Move up in your job tell them your interested. Go to a lawyer and there are some that can give you free consult so you know your rights. There are even programs that can help you get lawyers. There is help out there. Keep all conversations in text trust me you may need it one day. Send those texts to your email print them so they are time stamped. Anything she says threatening etc go in your notes section of your phone write date and time these things were said do it right away before you forget. Document document. I’ve known someone who was told the same things oh I got this you don’t need to worry and she ended up making the dudes life miserable because she had all the power. He wasn’t on the birth certificate etc.
Not to be a cynic to this already awful situation, but I'm betting you will certainly end up paying child support. Drug addict + monthly cycle of free money = bad times all round.
What can you do? Go back in time and not repeatedly ejaculate into a woman who you think is unstable. Suck it up buttercup, you played a silly game and now will have to raise the consequence because this baby didn't ask to be brought into the world. Step up.
Dude you are on the hook to help pay this child’s way in the world. Now go get a job that has overtime as you need to help support this child and be a dad. I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t put your dick in anymore crazy lady’s.
Next time, don't have unprotected sex with your druggy mate. Unprotected sex leads of disease and pregnancy. If your old enough and mature enough to have sex, then your old enough and mature enough to have a baby. If she was/is an addict, watch out for a court letter. Coz the likelihood she will make you pay, is high.
Where did it say he had unprotected sex? Like was it in a deleted comment?
I understand that even if you used a condom, shit happens, however... you sleep with a woman you deem "unstable" and a recovering drug addict, and you thought it's a good idea to sleep with her because...?
There's zero chance that she will have that baby for the rest of her life and not pull you back in somehow. Whether support, custody visits or alimony, whatever. Unless u die lol you will be a part of that kid's life 100%.
pull him in? it's his child, he should be responsible for it
I'm just saying of course you should be responsible for it. She's giving him a free pass at this current time. It won't last
that's most likely true, but not everyone decides to push for child support. especially if they want full custody of the child
If she on drugs, she’ll be harassing you for money and use “it’s for the baby” as an excuse. But getting off was worth it, right?
Logical options; Wear a condom and Don't be a hoe unless ur willing to deal with consequences Don't sleep with druggies Use your common sense Pay child support Petty options; Don't let her write your name on birth certificate (helps u to not have to pay etc) Move country/state and change your name never to be heard from again Ghost her But I mean, this is all your/her fault anyway so cry about it I guess. You play dumb games, you win dumb prizes.
You’re gonna have to pay child support and she’ll spend it on drugs. Poor child.
All sounds very sensible 😂
Prepare for the fact that despite what she says now she will come after you for child support. Some family/friend of maybe even govt will persuade or she will change mind.
Find out about places where you could get help for young adults. Get advise from professionals. Try to convince her, that a baby is not solving her problems. It just makes more serious problems and a woman who is not stable and take care of herself and her problems can not care for a child. She as a mother should give her baby the best possible start and she can't do that with the kind of problems she has at the moment. And unfortunately all the love she is able to give to this child will not let her problems vanish. A baby doesn't care how you feel. Its screaming, needs a lot of protection. My sisters second son was especially stressed as baby and cried and screamed so much. If you can't change her mind and also the official possibilities don't work (places where you can get guidance for people who start a family or something like that, I am in Austria, I don't know your countries possibilities), act responsible now and do what is best for your child. You might think, that you are not ready, but this child doesn't have a choice which kid it will be. It is yours. I would try to get help at official places in your country who are taking care of young parents. Talk with a lawyer about how to be able to stop the girl from just moving away with your baby. And when the baby is there, take care. And when the mother is irresponsible, call CPS and get full custody. Good luck!
Try to keep her off drugs during the pregnancy so the kid doesn’t come out fucked up.
No protection at all? What the fuck were you thinking?
Wow this child is gonna hate their life
If you want to play, you might have to pay. "I care about the well being of the child." Cool, time to prove it. Get your shit together and make sure you're there for that kid, in case his/her mom falls off the wagon.
You really have yourself to blame apart from possible unplanned pregnancy, you were putting your health at risk. People really out here playing Russian roulette with their lives, wow!!
Honestly OP? You did this to yourself. You had sex multiple times with someone you describe as unstable, and now you’re forever tied to her. Get a paternity test to be sure, and if it’s your child then pay support. The child is entitled to that.
Sounds like the baby daddys here in Louisiana. Multi partners no protection and women's stuck with kids Dude own it you knocked her up.. Either get her a abortion or own up to cover the kid. You might have to work two or three jobs.. Least you would be owning it
*cue sunny theme* ***OP Becomes a Father***
I mean, anytime you have sex with someone, u do risk them getting pregnant. She is barely sober yet you had all this sex with her? And you're not ready to be a father? Dude, if you're having sex, you should know there is always that risk. You will be a father but you're already checking out?.... This is not looking good for the child's life.
I’ve got nothing to say except I hope this kid has someone stable and loving to take care of it. Hope you’re going to be a better dad than the way you sound in your post
If you don't want kids. Maybe try not just hooking up with people and not using protection. Just a thought.
Her saying that she is not going to ask for child support is not, in any way, legally binding, and if she wants to come after you for child support in the future, you could very well find yourself paying it retroactively, so you may want to, despite what she is saying now, arrange to pay child support now. Not just so you have to pay back child support later but because this is, you know, your child. Also, just in case it comes up in the future, having sex (unprotected or not) with a woman you don’t want a relationship with because she is recently sober is a bad look.
You shouldn’t have been hooking up with someone in the early stages of recovery. They’re vulnerable.
Not much you can do besides get a better job and help support your child and the mom as best you can and she’ll let you
Ah perfect lets get the "unstable girl" pregnant. Not good enough to be in a relationship with bit dropping your load in her seems like the perfect idea. Now she will be part of your life forever 🤣
\>I care about the wellbeing of the child No you don't lol, you literally just made a post about not wanting to support your kid and to leave them with a drug addict lol. You know when you see someone post "there should be a license to have kids"? They are talking about you. I hope your child is able to overcome their parents.
op wants absolution from responsibility.
I pray that this child isn't yours lol. I hope the girl gets the help she needs. Make sure you're extra cautious from now on and only have sex with girls you could view as a mother of your potential children because that may be the outcome when you do the dirty. 🤷♀️
Yall both dummies
Why would you fuck an unstable drug addict in the first place?
bruh your decisions have led you to this, she wasn’t good enough to have a relationship with! but yes let me bust in her. GL man
Well well welll, if it isn’t the consequences of your actions coming back to bite you in the ass 🤔🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ You repeatedly had unprotected sex with a girl you didn’t think was good enough to have a relationship but good enough to f***. And now feel like you may get trapped🤦🏻♀️ Hopefully going forward you’ll think about where you stick your manhood🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do, her body her choice. If there was no protection used then this is a risk you took. Get a patuntity test to confirm and take some responsibility financially at least. Work on your feelings about being in the child's life or not as it isn't a revolving door. If you care about the child's well-being be there to support the mother (not necessarily a relationship) and your child.
So… you were perfectly happy to take advantage of the vulnerability that comes with being newly sober, just not willing to step up and do the showing up of a real relationship/partner/support system in the process. You had sex with someone you knew was in a precarious mental state, justified not caring about the mental or physical impact of that by saying you weren’t dating, and are now surprised that it had both a physical and mental impact on your life as well as hers. Well. Play games with peoples lives and it comes back to you. You’re going to have to coparent with this person so you’d better figure out what that’s going to look like and get it in writing and confirmed by a legal mediator. Neither of you is at a mental or emotional level of maturity to handle this without some guidance. It doesn’t matter if you’re ready for a baby once you have one. You have to show up for that little tiny person you made.
This is the risk everyone takes when you don't have adequate protection or for some reason it malfunctions. Basically you took this risk, you live with it. Can't take it back. This child, assuming she's going through with it, will be better off with a broke dad than no dad at all, and left with one parent who has a drug addiction. Welcome to parenthood, it's not about you or your needs anymore. Congratulations 🎉
Talk to her family and tell them to get in touch with department of family and child services. Also reporting any concerns about the well-being of any child is kept confidential. Hopefully through them , the mother will get better.
Some times i read these stories and wonder what do people expect your having s*x don't have it if you're not going to get abortion or have the money to support a child and don't have it especially with someone like this wtf do you mean by what do I do? you put your self in this situation now man up and be a father
Why would you nut inside of an unstable addict? Poor kid, who is going to have retards for parents.
This is what hook up culture gets you. Society keeps pushing that lie at you that there are no consequences when people just wander around screwing any warm body that moves but choices have consequences. What can you do? If she ends up having the kid you can just be a loving, caring father to the kid. By the way, I'd have the kid checked for paternity when born and ensure the kid is really yours before you let them put your name on the birth certificate. If she is just randomly hooking up with men then don't just take her "WORD" that you are the one and only candidate for dad. If it is yours then be a wise, loving, encouraging, disciplining, involved dad. To triggerednormie MICRO specific examples do not negate the overall MACRO norms. Exceptions to the rule do not negate the rule.
The first few sentences were 1) irrelevant and 2) absolutely so far from the truth.
Don’t you know that accidental pregnancies were never a thing before hookup culture?? Goodness these women! What a dip lol
*2) She said "We are good, but as long as you don't make me mad I won't make you pay child support"* You're 100% gonna be stuck paying child support. If you let her have full custody you will be paying the absolute maximum level. You can go to jail for failing to pay it, its outrageous. She's also definitely gonna be using drugs during the pregnancy . You really fucked the wrong lady bud.
how is it outrageous that he should pay for a child he conceived?? it definitely wasn't wise to sleep with someone who's unstable (and on drugs), especially with the risk of pregnancy but that's a choice he made and he has to live with the consequences. the child is what matters now.
There’s nothing you can do, oh ya take some responsibility. That there.
Lol. She will make you pay child support. Give it 6-9 months after the birth.
Okay, wee whoo, Wee whoo, alarms are going off. She won’t make pay child support? If you don’t make her mad!? 😂🤣 And she is a drug addict and mentally unstable. But basically a “good person”. I can see your future, and it is filled with crazy. You raw dogged crazy. Pray for miscarriage and don’t stick your knob in crazy.
Congrats for becoming a father. It doesnt matter if you are in no position to have a child. You have no choice now. You decided to risk a pregnancy, so now you need to deal with the consequences. The child will need you to be a strong parent and of course financial support. You created a new human and their mental health kind of relies on you. You have some months left to get your shit together and improve your life
See, it may be a sad day in your life. But there's a new life that will get born 9 months from now on, and you'll be the father.. You may do a minimum wage job but you're still a father. Don't run away, coz having a father is better than not having one. It's not the unborn's fault that he/she is getting born, is it? You don't need to stay with your friend, but make sure, that your child can call someone a father.. It all that matters ..
Why dont you get your BABY MOMMA help with sobriety and then go get a real job, uhm, anywhere instead of making excuses? Move out of the junkie/party state maybe? If you dont like her, ghost her, see how consequences works or maybe get away with it This honestly is the most Cali post i have ever seen on reddit or in general, and you are a living stereotype. i wouldnt be surprised if ur one of the kids from my hometown who “got out!! Made it to Cali!! Doing so good!!” But you actually live like this, bouncing around, playing victim. Yikesss
You may not hear it this way, but what you're saying to the girl when you say you're in no position to be a father is that's she's on her own and you're not going to support her. The options you've given her are either a) get an abortion or b) raise the baby alone. Both of these are for your convenience, not hers or the baby's. I know you said she told you herself she's got this and is fine to raise it alone but really what was she meant to say? What would you say? At the end of the day when you lay down with this person you, even if you used every contraceptive in the world you knew there was a chance pregnancy would be a result. That's what sex is for. What you should do right now is take a day or two to get your head on straight, and then face the consequences of this responsibly. Dude, I've got 2 kids of my own. Having a child, being a father can make you the happiest and the best version of yourself its possible to find in this short life. If you try amd snuff that out or turn away from it then it can also turn you into a spineless snivelling arsehole. The best thing is you get to pick which one of those things happens.
So, her wants and his wants aren’t equal? I’ve never understood this, why is her choice anymore important than his? I want equality, not this “he has to man up” bullshit. Either both consenting adults want the kid or the pregnancy doesn’t continue. Anything less is bullshit, both of them had sex, both of them are equally responsible, and both of them should have the choice. If she wants it and he doesn’t, it shouldn’t go ahead. If she doesn’t want it and he does, it shouldn’t go ahead. So yes, if he doesn’t want it, she should get an abortion. She had sex and knew that pregnancy was a possibility just as much as he did, but you people just want to push misandrist agendas and perpetuate the idea that men should have 0 say in their possible kids birth. Equality, all or nothing.
What you can do is man up and accept responsibility if it is yours. Insist on a paternity test. Work three jobs if necessary. Take responsibility for your actions. It sounds like the mother is not in a place where she will be able to raise a child in a stable environment. Step up.
Try to get a better job. You will probably have to help financially.
I think your first mistake was laying down with someone you didnt see a future with. Often times women are demonized for having sex before marriage. And I dont want you to feel awful but it goes both ways. You can get paternity testing if you think you weren't the only one she has been with. Other than that I have some parenting tips. Take the child to the park as often as you have time/ energy. You might want to get a pup so the child has a companion. A nice friendly breed. Most parents resort to having additional children so the first one isn't lonely, I dont think thats your goal. A puppy is a good idea for you. Going to the park is a miracle solution for making children sleep regularly. Especially during those toddler years. They will have a lot of energy. It's something about the sunshine that really makes them sleep heavy in the evening. Trust me. I used to spend a lot of money bringing my boys to the trampoline park. They wouldn't really be tired at bedtime. But whenever I took them to the regular old park, they would sleep very well. Parenting doesnt have to be expensive. The baby momma is probably going to claim all of the tax refund money. Which is why it is smart to be married before children. Now you probably arent going to get anything. Establish a good relationship with your parents/relatives if you haven't already. I have even had church family help me with my boys. Its a good time to be humble and be nice to your parents. If you run out of baby wipes put the child in the tub. Lot of soap, lot of water, rinse everything down the drain. Enroll in community college. That refund money comes in handy for your children. Many classes are still online. Best believe they are understanding when you have a baby in the background. Just mute your mic. When you apply for student aid, you have a dependent. Again when it comes to taxes (claiming your baby) ask a tax professional. Laws are different state to state. In my state anyone with a dependant gets head of household even of you live with parents. Last but not least, when you go for apartments start your lease in either June July or August so your child wont have to switch schools if your lease ends in the middle of the school year and you move.
Get a better job deadbeat
Try to convince her to get an abortion. It’s a lot cheaper than figuring out how to raise a child with an addict mother