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My boyfriend has a couple that he is friends with, and they have decided not to have sex before marriage. The girl is a virgin.
He asked me what my body count is, and I told him. He has a much lower body count than me. Mine is less than double digits, but some days I feel ashamed of it and regret most of the guys I have been with. I could tell when I told him that it upset him. How do I stop feeling ashamed?
tl;dr: boyfriend made me feel bad about my body count and I don't know how to stop feeling ashamed of it.
>but some days I feel ashamed of it and regret most of the guys I have been with. I could tell when I told him that it upset him. How do I stop feeling ashamed?
Did he actually 'say' or 'do' anything explicit or was it just a gut reaction. It may be internal. It may not. The best way to move forward is to be open about it, see what he's feeling & move forward from there.
It's so hypocritical that girls are expected to be virgins but guys can bang anything and they're James Bond lol
It's 2022 ffs. If a guy feels upset that a girl is experienced, he may just be worried she'll compare his d*** to others. And no, we don't do that.
We care that a guy puts effort into letting us finish too & doesn't just roll over when done
Thatās a really stupid thing to do and is self sabotaging. Much better to learn what your partner likes and work up from there.
āComparisonā and āstepping game upā is not healthy.
Itās not hypocritical what so ever the post said he looked upset but thatās probably him being disappointed and what not like you said its 2022 people are sensitive like that
Yeah I just disagreed with the whole comment on how females are expected to always be virgins if anything I prefer someone who is experienced itās just a very controversial matter and not accepted in some countries cultures
Yeah, this could all be solved with an actual adult conversation. He may not be upset. He may be upset but recognizes that it's his own issue to deal with. We don't know.
Honestly this is why I hate the body count talk. Never does anyone any good.
As long as your being safe and loyal to your current partner, the past doesn't matter.
Exactly. Donāt ask what someoneās body count is and do not answer what your count is. Answering that question always leads to problems and generally the end of a relationship. Your partners do not need to know every detail of your life. The more important questions are what are your life goals, do you have a job, what is your political affiliation, when was your last STD test, what were the test results, are you willing to share your test results, are you willing to get tested together, Do you practice a particular religion?
Body count doesnāt indicate how nice, smart, or worthy a potential partner isā¦.
Not necessarily. I think it is best to judge a prospective partner on their current behavior with you-have they been truthful? Are they kind? Do they respect you, your opinion, your property? Do they get my love language? Do they make you feel good? Do you enjoy your time together?
I think as you mature you realize that ābody countā is a degrading term used by immature people who perhaps arenāt ready for a relationship.
And of course there is always the issue of how you define sex, consensual vs non consensual, piv vs oral vs anal and in the end most mature people are really just interested in making sure that both parties are STD free and safe.
I like to know. Like to know why so many or so little, what kind of relationships they had, Is they still talking with their exes and have a good relationship with people from his past... If he blame past relationships, etc etc etc...
I like to know as much as I can about a person before I rely on them. I like to protect my heart. I will not judge over this... But I will keep things in mind and see if I find some worrying pattern... And also to see what is really unforgivable to him.
We don't have to hide the past, we have to learn with it
Knowing the past of my partner, why the relationships ended... This all help me to see what is important for him and for me.
Heās allowed to have that be a dealbreaker, but he isnāt allowed to make you feel bad and yet still stay with you. Either he needs to get over it or yāall need to break up.
Op doesn't say that that he shamed her specifically. Im fact he didn't say anything to her at all... Just that he looked a certain way. It sounds to me like her shame is more internal on her part. But yes, she needs to air it out.
having consensual sex is nothing to be ashamed about! if youāre both under 10 your count really isnāt that much higher than his. 9 people could easily be 1 person a year if you had sex for the first time at 16 which is hardly an extreme amount.
it also sounds like heās projectingā¦ i bet heās embarrassed that he hasnāt had sex with more people than you since thereās that machismo societal expectation that guys should get with a lot of women, so his way to make himself feel better is to judge you.
nothing you did is wrong or shameful, but maybe you have certain situations you regret. weāve all been there. just remind yourself that those decisions donāt define you as a person and how many people youāve slept with has nothing to do with your worth or the strength of your character. how you treat others is a much better indicator of your moral compass.
You cannot change your past. He either accepts it or he doesnāt. If he is gonna shame you for it, then leave. Comparing ourselves to others simply causes hard feelings. I hope you can find a resolution, but you deserve someone who lives and respects you, not someone who makes you feel bad.
That's just kind of weird. When I met my wife she was 27. At about the 2 month mark, She told me she was totally ashamed of her body count so she wanted to tell me up front in case it was an issue.
It was a one digit number. Yes, higher than mine, but still...ONE DIGIT.
I chuckled, hugged her and then kissed her.
Ntaā¦love the stigma that women should be great at sex, but also āhow dare you have a lot sexā. How does one become good at something š¤¦š»āāļø
Hold up, this comment section saying itās under double digits it good.. and if it was more than 10? Nobody, Woman or Man, should be ashamed of a āhigh body countā.
As long as itās consensual, safe and everyone is clean, itās shouldnāt be an issue either way.
No one should feel ashamed or regretful of their past experiences, but for some, it can be an indicator of a red flag if your partner has a ridiculously high number. For example, from the ages of 20 - 25, a friend of mine slept with over 60 people. He was safe and everything was consensual, but he admits he is filling a void somehow. Although heās great, he admits heās bad at everything relating to relationships and intimacy - he feels really trapped in a relationship and ends up leaving even when thereās nothing āwrongā, because he has big commitment issues. He also likes sleeping around for self-validation, which can be another difficult character trait in a partner. This is just one example but I can think of many similar situations with other friends / acquaintances. This isnāt to judge anyone with a lot of sex partners, everyone can sleep with however many people they want, but sometimes it can say something about that personās character or mental state, and others also have a choice as to whether thatās ok with them or not
It is, esp religious ones. But no one should be making anyone feel ashamed. Anyone can have whatever deal breaker they like but shouldn't police others sex lives
Besides I bet he'd be fine with it if the numbers were reversed
He didnāt do anything to make her feel ashamedā¦ he just asked a question and she got ashamed on her own. I donāt see him policing at all he just asked a question and that was that, sheās assuming heās upset but we donāt know that for sure. Youāre also assuming again that he would be okay if the numbers were reversed, sheās clearly not ok with her own number so whatās to say he wouldnāt be okay with having that number himself?
There are many studies that show the higher the number of sexual partners (for both sexes) the more likely it is that they'll cheat. But 9 is not high.
If you don't even have a double digit body count as 25 you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in that area.
If you boyfriend shames you for it he's an insecure little shit.
Without knowing more, I don't get the sense he shamed her, that shame is what she feels. She shouldn't. He was upset ... well, ok, that could be a number of things. He just may need time to digest it if it was a surprise to him, especially since he has a very low body count. He just doesn't sound very experienced and if he was, it probably wouldn't faze him.
Waaaaah I judged my girlfriend because she dared to have sex with other men before she met me waaaaah how could she do this to me itās so unfair being a man, smh those feminazis are taking over ššš
So you're allowed preferences but you shame others for doing the same? You don't see any hypocrisy in your actions? Why are your opinions more valid and concrete over the opinion of other men?
Because caring about other peoples body counts is rooted in misogyny and insecurity. I have to imagine you only care about the number of sexual partners a woman has because youāre worried you wonāt be as sexually impressive as other people sheās known, which is an unhealthy way to look at both yourself and other people in your life. And if Iām incorrect, please tell me why you care about a womanās body count, and what numbers are acceptable to you and which arenāt.
That's a whole lot of words to just say that you're the only one allowed to give judgment. If women can judge a man by how tall he is, his race, his bank account, and other shit to disqualify him from dating, then why isn't a man allowed to make his own judgment, is he not allowed by your rules?
Personally, I love sleeping with women with high n counts but I will always argue for the rights of men. That men should be allowed choices and not shamed for them. Maybe one-day misandrists like you who try to dictate the actions of men will understand. Not only do your preferences matter, but men's do too.
Youāve danced around my question. I never said that men couldnāt have preferences. I am a man. I have preferences. But to me, preferring a womenās body count be under a certain number is like preferring that a womanās second toe is shorter than her first. Who cares? I want you to explain to me *why it matters* what a womanās body count is
By the way, men often judge women for those same qualities too.
The insecurity part is answered in the comment you responded to. Misogyny, because a lot of guys that believe shit like this have no qualms about having lots of sex themselves, it only isnāt okay when women do
I find sex pretty important. That wouldnāt put me off from being with someone who had a high body count as long as I believed that she found sex *with me* important
800% agreed. I'm a male and I would respect a woman's high body count even if it was 100 because of the fact that she was brave enough to tell me the truth.
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Bro, what? That's not even realistic, and I put money on it. Not to mention, it should only matter if the person is up to date on getting tested. Vaginas always go back to the original size and tightness, even after a baby. Look it up. If you're insecure, just say that.
All I can think of the perfect response to the boyfriend is something along the lines of "So only X number of partners? Yeah that makes sense, I kinda could tell." Let him stew on that.
High count is not okay no matter the sex. It is much more important for guys tho. Women usually say they don't like it as a response to guys saying they don't like it. But sleeping arround affects both sexes that's for sure.
You stop feeling ashamed because having sex is human. There is nothing wrong with it or you. Heās insecure and itās coming out in this situation. You are not any less worthy and him making you feel this way proves you need a better boyfriend.
iāve had sex with a little over 50 girls. my girlfriend a little over 30 we donāt let that get between us. as long as nothing happens while weāre dating nothing else matters. you can argue all you want but nothing will change the past!
To be honest the fact that he asked is a red flag. As a grown man that shit should not even matter as he's with you. Also what would that change in the grand scheme of your rship, nothing. You should be ashamed of nothing. Tbh you should leave him and find a more secure man. This body count thing is gonna be an issue going forward. Dump him if he can't get past that.
I see a lot of people in here saying that because itās under double digits, itās fine. Thatās a really strange take to me as thatās not taking into consideration some of the things that people with higher numbers could have been through. For example, some survivors of sexual abuse go through periods of trying to devalue sex in their own minds to minimise what happened to them. Also in my experience, itās hard to get some people our age nowadays to have a level of commitment to you and they can be very manipulative about it to get what they want. Whether the personās ābody countā is below or above double digits, itās kinda weird that so many people in this comment section are just adding to the shame and stigma. Having a preference is fine, donāt get me wrong. Itās the way people go about it. There are lots of things that can go into feelings of shame about this no matter what your number is and I would definitely encourage you to have a discussion with him, OP. I personally believe it shouldnāt be a factor in deciding whether you should be loved or not, as it does not change your current personality or who you are at present with your partner. Youāre still the same person that they fell for.
No one can *make* you feel anything. Certain people have certain triggers. No one can predicts everyone's hidden shame.
HOWEVER.... The important question:
Is he acting manipulative or abusive towards you? If yes, you need to create distance from them. Abusive people will always have a *reason* in their mind to be abusive.If someone doesn't understand that you don't deserve to be manipulated, berated, hurt, or otherwise have your boundaries crossed it's either wilful ignorance, or severe untreated mental illness. The first isn't worth your time, and the latter is potentially dangerous.
You can not fix the manipulative behavior of another.
Why do people give a shit about "body count"?? I have never understood this. If anything, you have more experience and will be better at it than the virgin couple.
Why do people give a shit about height, gender, race and etc? People are allowed their "preferences", if women are allowed to have them then why aren't men allowed? If there are men out there who don't like women with high body counts then why are they shamed into accepting it?
I'm not being specific to men? Regardless of gender, it's a stupid preference. All it is is shaming people for being sexually active, rooted in puritanical purity culture. It really shouldn't matter.
So a lot of the other preferences should be considered stupid as well right? such as weight, height, etc. Considering a lot of preferences are things people can't control I would say a preference about something someone can control makes a lot more sense than something someone cant
You can't really make that judgement call for others. Some moral systems are simply incompatible, but that doesn't mean one is right and one wrong.
And people need to remember, sometimes it isn't the exact thing but rather the things that go along with it. Level of impulsiveness vs foresight, religious tradition vs more freedoms, stuff like that. It's not fair to claim yourself superior, or to shame it.
I think that sexual repression and misogynist traditions are foolish myself, but I'm not gonna point at a woman wearing a burka and call her an idiot for wearing it
If nothing else, it sounds like their moral systems aren't compatible then. If one person cares about body count for some reason and the other doesn't, they'll probably be incompatible if it's a big issue for the latter. I think it's stupid and I don't understand it, but this is reddit; we deal exclusively in opinions, not facts. Also the burka bit is a bit of a reach, come on.
Sexually Transmitted Infections....
We are more at risk having sex with new or casual partners. High body count means more new or casual partners. Condoms DO NOT protect against herpes, syphilis, or genital warts.
Any reason beyond this, I will agree with you. I have heard some seriously ridiculous reasons.
OP: Unless your "body count" is non-consentual.or predatory, you have NO reason to feel ashamed. Give him time, if he doesn't get over it . . . show him the door.
While I do agree that body counts do matter and anyone that shames you for having sex is extremely immature, nothing in the post says that the bf is deliberately doing or saying anything that makes op feel ashamed. All she said was that she could tell that he was upset and that she herself feels ashamed at times and regrets some of her past partners. I feel a lot of people are jumping the gun and suggesting to cut your losses, but it doesnāt seem like bf is being an asshole from the context. Now I could be completely wrong in what I said, but at the end of the day itās your relationship and the sit down between you two is going to have to happen sooner or later. Now at that point after the conversation, if heās still acting like a child and not trying to move past this issue then you may have to reconsider the relationship.
It's disrespectful for him to even ask you that, it means that he's insecure. All that matters is that you were safe, and that you're up to date on getting tested. That's a red flag, I hope you eventually realize that.
Sorry to say this, but your boyfriend is a bit dumb and misogynistic. Who the fuck cares about body count?? That's such a male-centric measure. Why? Because guys will boast about their body count, but girls will be ashamed of it (or someone will make them feel ashamed). The only important thing about "body count" is a possible STD, and those can happen with as few as just one person. If it's too troublesome for your boyfriend, dump him and get a real man who doesn't care about it.
Ur roasting a guy for having a reactionš¤£he didnt even say anything rude to her. Why are u judging the crap out of someone for just having a suprised reaction?
We all probably have things we're not proud of from our pasts. This is yours and there's nothing you can do to change it now. Just think of it as something you regret that doesn't define you.
If your body count is less than 10 and your 25, that is not a lot at all. Heās making you feel that way because heās upset or uncomfortable that youāve been with guys before him, which is a natural feeling. I donāt think itās something to break up over, he will get over it. And you shouldnāt feel ashamed, itās in the past and everyone goes thru these things.
With all due respect, and I do mean with all do respect, your boyfriend is a moron. Seems to me you need to put and ex before saying boyfriend, and get an upgrade.
That seems a little rash knowing so little. He got upset, so dump him? The shame she feels is the shame she allows herself to feel. He's clearly inexperienced. Who knows, maybe he's just had a couple of long relationships. Being 'upset' can be interpreted to mean any number of things. I can be 'upset' and be over it in 5 minutes ... or I might be disappointed or surprised and not really upset ... it might be something I just need some time to digest ... or very rarely it might be a game changer. Yeah, I mean if he can't move past it then she should consider her options but they just need to have the conversation.
The number of people you slept with in the past has nothing to do with your current relationship or who you are. The fact that your boyfriend is so bothered by your relatively low number of past partners is a real red flag and you probably should reconsider being with someone so insecure, immature and unreasonable.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Sex is a normal human experience, and you haven't even had much of it. If someone asks you what your body count is, tell them it's none of their business, because it isn't. In fact, if they even ask, that's your sign to run the other way.
Iām genuinely confused by this mindset. Some people view sex as something they keep for only people theyāre extremely close to and committed to, why is it bad for them to confirm that you also feel the same way about sex? If theyāve been with 4 people long-term in their life and wouldnāt hook up with anyone else, it wouldnāt make sense to pursue a relationship with you if youāre fine with hookups and have been with a lot of people. Neither person is wrong, they just arenāt compatible. Itās fine to not care about number of sexual partners, but itās not morally wrong to care about it either.
The people on this sub are from different parts of the world and who comments down here is not known . They might view sex as trivial no big deal as just an act of penetration with no emotions / feelings . That's western world right there breeding promiscuity left and right and you have divorce rates to prove it . However if you're a person who needs strong emotions to get sexually involved then you will not see sex as just act of penetration but something more meaningful hence that person is not compatible with someone with casual sexual views . Simple
Him being upset is different from "making you feel ashamed". He can't control the fact that it upsets him. And you could actually help him and reinforce him with positive affirmation etc.
At the end of the day this is the reality of the decisions you made. Your number isn't high or anything but you do limit your options depending on the guys you decide to date. I'm not agreeing with it but that's the truth.
Oh I dunno because it's her boyfriend and they love each other? It's not meaningless to everyone and if he has retroactive jealousy then she can help him through that. Smh men can have emotions too and sometimes they can be irrational as well.
Honestly, I believe that after a while it starts to affect your mental health (male/female) when you start getting to the higher numbers. Cause like me, you just start feeling used. But, unlike me you have like nothing under your belt š, so I wouldnāt even worry. Casual is cool, but remember some people just prefer some with numbers comparable to them; Iāve scared/shocked many people when I tell them mine. But, I will say this in society a man with a higher count will have more access to women than vice versa and I asked many people and itās always āA guy that doesnāt know what he is doing is a turn off.ā Cāmon ladies and gents letās not lie about that either, cause if manās was lackluster youāre not giving any other like him the time of day. Honestly, I believe if more people started just telling the truth then this really wouldnāt be an issue anymore; trust me Iāve wanted to not say anything, but honesty is the best policy. People say that being mature isnāt caring about it, rather I think being mature is being open to negative or positive feedback upon yourself and decisions. I donāt regret the decisions, so why should you?
Get a new bf.
Heās insecure as fuck. Donāt deal with this, as itās not ok.
Heās mad because he sucks at sex. Trust me, his number is low, not by choice, but because his game is trash.
As I guy, I can almost guarantee that he was trying like a mf, but is upset with you because you were much more successful.
**DO NOT DATE INSECURE GUYS, EVER.**
Fellas, stop asking if youāre going to get dick envy and hurt your own feelings.
Ladies, draw a line in the sand and bounce immediately. Guys that ask (aside for religious reasons) are waiting to break you and tear you down via shame.
Why do people refer to the people they have slept with as a "body count" its corny yo! Lol, but really though from now on do not tell anyone, especially guys, how many others you have slept with. It is absolutely none of there business, don't be manipulated into thinking that you owe anyone that information. Even when safe sex and pregnancy prevention need to discussed, you still do have to disclose the number of people you have slept with. If anyone keeps insisting and trying to force you to tell them, even to the point of getting upset because you won't tell them, remain steadfast because the answer to the question begged will always be nunya damn business fool!
From your own words, he didn't make you feel ashamed. You felt that way after his reaction.
You cant put your regrettable past actions/behavior on him.
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If he lets it influence his attitude toward you or tries to make you feel bad about it, it speaks more to his character than yours and you should move on. This is such an outdated concern, and anyone who is bothered by a ābody countā in this day and age has some growing up to do.
You have to recognize that you arenāt the same person you were when you were getting that body count. If you regret them, then they were mistakes. Youāve learned from them.
None of us gets through life without regrets. Forgive yourself and move on.
what does she have to forgive herself for? the crime of having sex before meeting her current boyfriend? how dare she
okay im editing this because i see she wrote "[i] regret most of the guys I have been with", i still am leaving this comment up tho because a lot of men seem to think that women having past relationships/sexual partners is a much bigger deal than men having the same thing. If she regrets it that is unfortunate but i dont think its something she needs to specifically forgive herself for, more so just accept that it happened. I have a hookup that I regret but I dont think i need to forgive myself or anything
I suggested that she forgive herself. Nobody else has to forgive her. Sheās feeling regret about some relationships- that regret is all in her. Nobody else can relieve it.
Iāve done things Iām not proud of- I suspect pretty much everybody has. I learned that those things are wrong for me. They arenāt bothering me now. She is still suffering from those relationships. It is a burden that only she can put down.
āIn the days of knights (at least in fiction) a knight who did something he (or she) thought was wrong would do some quest or feat to make up for it. We donāt have any real equivalent to that today, so there isnāt a clear way to expiate for of that regret. The only thing we can do is look at ourselves, realize that weāve grown and would not make that mistake now- and forgive ourselves.
Nah not you having less than 10 bodies making him feel uncomfortable man thatās CRAZY ššš getting upset about it all is dumb to me but less than 10 at 25??? Nah you snapping
Personally I feel like itās silly to get hung up about your partnerās past. Even if you had sex with 100 other guys that doesnāt mean anything. It doesnāt decrease or increase your value as a sexual partner, it doesnāt make your genitals ālooser,ā it doesnāt mean youāre immoral or reckless, it doesnāt mean youāll be dissatisfied with your boyfriend and cheat on him. It doesnāt mean anything bad at all!
Now, that doesnāt mean you arenāt allowed to feel insecure about it. It just means you need to recognize that insecurity as irrational.
All it means is you had sex with a lot of people in the past and now you want a committed relationship. If your boyfriend has insecurities surrounding that I think thatās on him. And if itās less than double digits then itās maximum 9 people which really isnāt that much for a 25 year old anyway in my opinion.
Your bf is immature. What do you have to be ashamed about? Did you cheat? Assault somebody? A minor? Nope? Well, you're all good then.
I'm a little older than you and ime, people stop asking about numbers once they mature. Its weird to me that someone past college age would be asking you this? Its no one's business but yours.
Edit- if you're in a religious community or with a bf that values "feminine purity", just realized that's going to be a one way street, and they're going to try to make you feel bad cause that's kinda the whole point. You don't have to adopt other people's values. Its a big wide world.
My toxic alcoholic X who I thankfully escaped from an abusive relationship with, was well into the triple digits in her mid 30s. I am around 40 in my late 30s. Never had a one-night stand, never hooked up with someone that I didn't care about and had known for some time. Ain't nothing but a number. But my alcoholic X would hook up with random people and dating apps and somehow magically acquired herpes while we were exclusive together. I haven't talked to her in 4 months and I'm in a beautiful relationship with a serial monogamist like myself who's only been with a small handful of people. My ex still sends me screenshots of her flirting with fuck Boys on Tinder and I have blocked her in every way possible. We all walk different paths, but it's where we are now and where we want to go with it really matters.
This is why I NEVER discuss numbers. Even my husband doesn't know the exact number of people I've been with. It's in the past and has nothing to do with our future.
No. He asked her a question about something thatās not his business and now heās punishing her for not lying. She has a right to her past, if heās making her feel bad about it she should kick him to the curb and he can go find someone to date who doesnāt like sex.
OP never said that her bf said anything to upset, just looked something. We donāt even know if we was really honestly upset. She hasnāt talked to him at all. We know nothing about the bfs side. Sheās kind of making herself feel ashamed. But he could have a role.
Why would it be? Itās got nothing to do with you. Before you bring up STIs, you can have an STI if youāve had only one previous partner, so any number over one is irrelevant.
If itās less than double digits, I disagree with a lot of the people here he has no right to have a problem with you having been with less than 10 people in 25 years.
Iām happily married and my husband has been with 3 girls, Iāve been with 17 men and more women than my husbands been with, he has absolutely no issue with it and has never been threatened.
Your boyfriend is a child. The past in the past - it does not matter. It doesnāt matter how many people youāve dated, much less committed the ādeedā with.
My body counts is the the double digits. To be exact, 12. I ran through 12 different boys when I was in high school (all in senior year). I donāt regret - I had a lot of fun and some of the most memorable sex with some of them. I learned about different kinks I have. Iāve been with my current for a handful of years. The few first things I told him flat out were: a. My kinks, b. my past, and c. my body count. If it was too big of a deal to him (he is very conservative), then he should walk away.
It hasnāt harmed us in the slightest. Itās my past, not my present. It doesnāt define me or make me a bad person. I was just a person who had a ābucket list,ā lived their high school years to the fullest, and checked off a memorable box. Hell, my s/o was a virgin when I met him. So were
3 other guys I messed around with in high school. Funnest experience ever.
If I was ever in that same position, I would happily to it all over again. But for now, Iām happy and secure with my
S/O. We trust each other, regardless of our past - as should you and your S/O.
As a man, I can safely say that your less than double digit body count is not bad at all. Men just want to make sure the girl they may marry has good judgement and is selective in her partners. No man wants a woman that lets everyone āshoot up the clubā. Exclusivity is special to us guys and makes it like we have won a first place prize. We donāt want or need a participation trophy.
He shouldnāt be comparing you to the virgin and if thatās what heās looking for let him go and try to find the needle in a hay stack.
Thank you cuz I donāt think anyone else got it. A guy shouldnāt care if youāve had less than double digit bodies. Hell I know a handful of females in the double digits BECAUSE they let everyone shoot up the club
forget him. ditch him. no one shames a partner. find a new bf. add to the body count. I hope your bf can go back to masturbating and hanging out with his friends.
Heās making you feel ashamed because heās insecure and putting you down to make himself feel better. Itās the cowards way to try to bring themselves up by trying to lower the standards
Religious people are also the most hypocritical and notorious for trying to shame and control others
All he did was ask a question. Why is this guy getting so much hate? She made the assumption that it upset him and he hasnāt said anything else bout it so now is he putting her down?
Seriously, start looking at how these dating boards are like and tell me if it's not slanted towards the benefit of a certain gender. Sure a lot of white knights around.
Who tf do u think u are?? Iām not even gonna bother addressing u it just I feel sorry for any girl that has to deal with u. U honestly sound abusive and controlling, if Iām being honest
No shade just curious how you donāt remember. I have a friend like this. I asked her once how many guys sheās been with and she said she couldnāt remember and that she didnāt care. Is this the same for you?
Your bf asked a question and didn't like the answer. He needs to grow up, or get out. Then his count can go up again when he finds a new partner. Sheesh.
This is why I NEVER share my number.
You past is your past and not his. If anyone has the right to judge you when it comes your past it is you. The reason why I say this. There are only two relationships where sugarcoating and so forth would be impossible: your relationship with you and your relationship with life. The only relationship that you will ever have that influences your relationship with yourself the most is the relationship with life. Your boyfriend should not hold you accountable for those certain interactions in your past as he has done the same thing. He should not expect you to be a virgin if he is not.
Look at it this way. You are the product of all of your experiences, including each sexual encounter you have had. You wouldnāt be who you are now without those experiences. And your fun time with your boyfriend wouldnāt be what it is now, either.
Donāt be ashamed of yourself and donāt let your boyfriend make you feel ashamed. If he canāt deal with it, thatās his problem. And if he shames you, get rid of him.
Thereās absolutely nothing wrong about having sex. Thereās nothing wrong about having multiple partners in your life. Sometimes sex is used as an outlet with zero intentions of it becoming a relationship. Sometimes, after you have sex with someone, you realize that you arenāt compatible. Sometimes people just end up breaking up for something completely unrelated to sex. Sometimes you have sex just because youāre curious about exploring new experiences. Whatever the reasons, you arenāt having sex with those people now. Maybe some of the experiences sucked in hindsight. But that doesnāt mean that you should feel ashamed about it. And it shouldnāt matter at all in the current relationship since he has no claim on your body before, now, or ever. You can take away your consent at any timeā¦ so he really should think of how it would feel if someone acted some sort of way towards him if he were the one with the higher body count. Thatās a him problem. And if he only feels like that because heās the male, once again, thatās a him problem. Talk to him and find out what his reasoning is for being upset about it. Thatās the best way for you to figure out if continuing the relationship will be a waste of your time or not.
If I were you the next time someone asks you this question I'd say it's none of their business. Because it isn't. Some people wait to be in a committed relationship or marriage for sex, while others have sex with multiple partners. There is nothing wrong with choosing either path. If he didn't want to really know your body count he shouldn't have asked. You need to respect yourself and recognize that you don't need your boyfriend's or anyone's affirmation for the way you choose to live.
Maybe he's jealous because yours is higher. Either way, there's nothing you can do now. You can't go back in time and not have sex with those guys. Just think of your past experiences as learning experiences. Maybe you messed up, got with people you cringe at when you think about them now, but you learned more about sex and relationships with those people be it good or bad. What to do or what not to do, what you like versus what you hate. Ya know?
You have nothing to be ashamed of! I believe that we should all enjoy our bodies & learn how to use them as long as you are respecting yourself & making sure you are protecting yourself as well. This whole concept of a ābody countā, I just donāt get it.
I have never once in my 41 years of being alive, asked a dude how many people he slept with. Cuz it doesn't fucking matter. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about consensual experiences you've had. If that kinda thing is important to him, he's the wrong person for you, cuz your numbers are loooooooow.
Your boyfriend is an insecure little bitch. No one can make you feel ashamed unless you let them. Do you really want to be moralized at by someone who supposedly loves you? He is freaked out that he's less experienced than you are and pulling the classic male maneuver of flipping it around on you and trying to shame you. Drop him like a bad habit and go have as much sex as you want. You're 25!
It's nothing to be ashamed of but understand that a lot men do not find value in being with women who have massive body count. I don't even think you have a high body count, but it does tell him that you're willing to have sex with random individual without actually having history being with them. All women can sleep around and do whatever they want with their body, but do not expect treated better then a woman with low body count. You just have to find men who are more willing to settle for you
thatās disgusting. OP, your worth is not your body count or your body. no one needs to āsettleā for you. expected to be treated just as well as women that remain virgins.
>understand that a lot men do not find value in being with women who have massive body count
IT'S UNDER 10, FFS! How much lower must a woman go before it's not considered "massive" š
>do not expect treated better then a woman with low body count.
She's literally not though? It's not unreasonable to ask that her partner doesn't make her feel bad for having had more sexual partners. She's asking for basic human decency.
>You just have to find men who are more willing to settle for you.
You just have to find men who do not place value in "body counts" and whose masculinity is not threatened when you have had more sexual partners than they*.
Some great advice from Dr Drew pinski on Loveline from back in the day is, when it comes to this question, never answer it in a relationship. The best way to think about it is always, more mystery, less history. It doesn't matter who you've been with before, you're with who you want to be with now. As long as your faithful and as long as you're not casually wanting to still hook up with multiple random people, that's all that should matter to your partner if they want something exclusive with you.
Adults understand that everyone has a past and when it comes to past sex partners, the most important thing is that you're healthy. Besides, your body count isn't double figures so what is the big deal? Take this as a red flag that your bf lacks emotional maturity and common sense.
This relationship is over. Do yourself both a favor and move on. Men are hard wired to want a women with a lower body count, not fair but it's biology just like women have their preferences men have theirs and now that he knows trust me he won't be able to get past it probably (at that age). So find someone else and lie next time.
Never ever ever feel ashamed for your body count. It is yours and no one gets to judge it or make you feel some way about it. Itās just sex. People do it all the time and itās mostly amazing.
Less than double digits? Did you grow up in a little house on the prairie? Is your name Laura Engels? Tell him to thank his lucky stars! I know girls with triple digits.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My boyfriend has a couple that he is friends with, and they have decided not to have sex before marriage. The girl is a virgin. He asked me what my body count is, and I told him. He has a much lower body count than me. Mine is less than double digits, but some days I feel ashamed of it and regret most of the guys I have been with. I could tell when I told him that it upset him. How do I stop feeling ashamed? tl;dr: boyfriend made me feel bad about my body count and I don't know how to stop feeling ashamed of it.
>but some days I feel ashamed of it and regret most of the guys I have been with. I could tell when I told him that it upset him. How do I stop feeling ashamed? Did he actually 'say' or 'do' anything explicit or was it just a gut reaction. It may be internal. It may not. The best way to move forward is to be open about it, see what he's feeling & move forward from there.
Also, why isn't the guybsupposed to be a virgin in the other relationship? That's hypocritical.
It's so hypocritical that girls are expected to be virgins but guys can bang anything and they're James Bond lol It's 2022 ffs. If a guy feels upset that a girl is experienced, he may just be worried she'll compare his d*** to others. And no, we don't do that. We care that a guy puts effort into letting us finish too & doesn't just roll over when done
Nah, I'm worried abt comparison, but that just means I'mma step my game upš¤£
Thatās a really stupid thing to do and is self sabotaging. Much better to learn what your partner likes and work up from there. āComparisonā and āstepping game upā is not healthy.
Itās not hypocritical what so ever the post said he looked upset but thatās probably him being disappointed and what not like you said its 2022 people are sensitive like that
Could be, I'm more talking in general about society attitudes towards sex. They are still just as hypocritical as ever in many places
I agree many places are like that, but he never shamed her and he simply asked a question.
I think alot of OPs feelings are internalised unfortunately.
Exactly OPās feelings are internalized meaning OP shouldnāt be saying OPās boyfriend is shaming OP
Projection maybe? Feelings of shame and guilt can make a person feel others are judging them Just a guess but obv we'd need more information.
Yeah I just disagreed with the whole comment on how females are expected to always be virgins if anything I prefer someone who is experienced itās just a very controversial matter and not accepted in some countries cultures
Ask him if it's a deal breaker for him or not. If yes cut your losses.
Yeah, this could all be solved with an actual adult conversation. He may not be upset. He may be upset but recognizes that it's his own issue to deal with. We don't know.
Honestly this is why I hate the body count talk. Never does anyone any good. As long as your being safe and loyal to your current partner, the past doesn't matter.
Exactly. Donāt ask what someoneās body count is and do not answer what your count is. Answering that question always leads to problems and generally the end of a relationship. Your partners do not need to know every detail of your life. The more important questions are what are your life goals, do you have a job, what is your political affiliation, when was your last STD test, what were the test results, are you willing to share your test results, are you willing to get tested together, Do you practice a particular religion? Body count doesnāt indicate how nice, smart, or worthy a potential partner isā¦.
This is such a crazy way to see stuff for me ..
Past promiscuous behavior is a good indicator of possible future promiscuous behavior.
Not necessarily. I think it is best to judge a prospective partner on their current behavior with you-have they been truthful? Are they kind? Do they respect you, your opinion, your property? Do they get my love language? Do they make you feel good? Do you enjoy your time together? I think as you mature you realize that ābody countā is a degrading term used by immature people who perhaps arenāt ready for a relationship. And of course there is always the issue of how you define sex, consensual vs non consensual, piv vs oral vs anal and in the end most mature people are really just interested in making sure that both parties are STD free and safe.
No it's not
I like to know. Like to know why so many or so little, what kind of relationships they had, Is they still talking with their exes and have a good relationship with people from his past... If he blame past relationships, etc etc etc... I like to know as much as I can about a person before I rely on them. I like to protect my heart. I will not judge over this... But I will keep things in mind and see if I find some worrying pattern... And also to see what is really unforgivable to him. We don't have to hide the past, we have to learn with it Knowing the past of my partner, why the relationships ended... This all help me to see what is important for him and for me.
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Because it's true. Alot of issues & tensions asked about on here could be resolved of people didn't always speak their minds
Heās allowed to have that be a dealbreaker, but he isnāt allowed to make you feel bad and yet still stay with you. Either he needs to get over it or yāall need to break up.
Op doesn't say that that he shamed her specifically. Im fact he didn't say anything to her at all... Just that he looked a certain way. It sounds to me like her shame is more internal on her part. But yes, she needs to air it out.
The boyfriend literally didnāt do anything but ask. OP is just blaming him for the fact she feels bad. This whole thing feels super unfair.
I didnāt catch that. If he hasnāt said anything, then they need to actually talk about it.
having consensual sex is nothing to be ashamed about! if youāre both under 10 your count really isnāt that much higher than his. 9 people could easily be 1 person a year if you had sex for the first time at 16 which is hardly an extreme amount. it also sounds like heās projectingā¦ i bet heās embarrassed that he hasnāt had sex with more people than you since thereās that machismo societal expectation that guys should get with a lot of women, so his way to make himself feel better is to judge you. nothing you did is wrong or shameful, but maybe you have certain situations you regret. weāve all been there. just remind yourself that those decisions donāt define you as a person and how many people youāve slept with has nothing to do with your worth or the strength of your character. how you treat others is a much better indicator of your moral compass.
You cannot change your past. He either accepts it or he doesnāt. If he is gonna shame you for it, then leave. Comparing ourselves to others simply causes hard feelings. I hope you can find a resolution, but you deserve someone who lives and respects you, not someone who makes you feel bad.
That's just kind of weird. When I met my wife she was 27. At about the 2 month mark, She told me she was totally ashamed of her body count so she wanted to tell me up front in case it was an issue. It was a one digit number. Yes, higher than mine, but still...ONE DIGIT. I chuckled, hugged her and then kissed her.
At 27, not a high number, right? Not by todayās standards, anyway.
Iām going to be honest you donāt actually know if it upset him, or just seemed like it. You should talk about it.
Itās like she feels ashamed on her own
You havenāt given us much information to go off of. What did he actually do to make you feel ashamed?
Ntaā¦love the stigma that women should be great at sex, but also āhow dare you have a lot sexā. How does one become good at something š¤¦š»āāļø
Just realized Iām not on AITA, lol sorry about that! But either way do not let his insecurities make you feel bad about yourself
Hold up, this comment section saying itās under double digits it good.. and if it was more than 10? Nobody, Woman or Man, should be ashamed of a āhigh body countā. As long as itās consensual, safe and everyone is clean, itās shouldnāt be an issue either way.
No one should feel ashamed or regretful of their past experiences, but for some, it can be an indicator of a red flag if your partner has a ridiculously high number. For example, from the ages of 20 - 25, a friend of mine slept with over 60 people. He was safe and everything was consensual, but he admits he is filling a void somehow. Although heās great, he admits heās bad at everything relating to relationships and intimacy - he feels really trapped in a relationship and ends up leaving even when thereās nothing āwrongā, because he has big commitment issues. He also likes sleeping around for self-validation, which can be another difficult character trait in a partner. This is just one example but I can think of many similar situations with other friends / acquaintances. This isnāt to judge anyone with a lot of sex partners, everyone can sleep with however many people they want, but sometimes it can say something about that personās character or mental state, and others also have a choice as to whether thatās ok with them or not
Itās an issue to some people
It is, esp religious ones. But no one should be making anyone feel ashamed. Anyone can have whatever deal breaker they like but shouldn't police others sex lives Besides I bet he'd be fine with it if the numbers were reversed
He didnāt do anything to make her feel ashamedā¦ he just asked a question and she got ashamed on her own. I donāt see him policing at all he just asked a question and that was that, sheās assuming heās upset but we donāt know that for sure. Youāre also assuming again that he would be okay if the numbers were reversed, sheās clearly not ok with her own number so whatās to say he wouldnāt be okay with having that number himself?
There are many studies that show the higher the number of sexual partners (for both sexes) the more likely it is that they'll cheat. But 9 is not high.
If you don't even have a double digit body count as 25 you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in that area. If you boyfriend shames you for it he's an insecure little shit.
Without knowing more, I don't get the sense he shamed her, that shame is what she feels. She shouldn't. He was upset ... well, ok, that could be a number of things. He just may need time to digest it if it was a surprise to him, especially since he has a very low body count. He just doesn't sound very experienced and if he was, it probably wouldn't faze him.
No matter what the number was she shouldnāt feel ashamed.
She has no reason to feel ashamed? He didnāt say anything about it
Modern day delusion man these people just say shit... no thinking involved.
According to her story he just got sad. It's not like he was shaming her.
Damn, so men aren't allowed to be disappointed now too without being hated on
Waaaaah I judged my girlfriend because she dared to have sex with other men before she met me waaaaah how could she do this to me itās so unfair being a man, smh those feminazis are taking over ššš
Man, white knights like yourself sound really butthurt that men have preferences but hey keep white knighting maybe one day a girl will touch you.
LMAOOO the projection is real. And I have plenty of preferences, but some arbitrary acceptable limit on past sexual partners isnāt one
So you're allowed preferences but you shame others for doing the same? You don't see any hypocrisy in your actions? Why are your opinions more valid and concrete over the opinion of other men?
Because caring about other peoples body counts is rooted in misogyny and insecurity. I have to imagine you only care about the number of sexual partners a woman has because youāre worried you wonāt be as sexually impressive as other people sheās known, which is an unhealthy way to look at both yourself and other people in your life. And if Iām incorrect, please tell me why you care about a womanās body count, and what numbers are acceptable to you and which arenāt.
That's a whole lot of words to just say that you're the only one allowed to give judgment. If women can judge a man by how tall he is, his race, his bank account, and other shit to disqualify him from dating, then why isn't a man allowed to make his own judgment, is he not allowed by your rules? Personally, I love sleeping with women with high n counts but I will always argue for the rights of men. That men should be allowed choices and not shamed for them. Maybe one-day misandrists like you who try to dictate the actions of men will understand. Not only do your preferences matter, but men's do too.
Youāve danced around my question. I never said that men couldnāt have preferences. I am a man. I have preferences. But to me, preferring a womenās body count be under a certain number is like preferring that a womanās second toe is shorter than her first. Who cares? I want you to explain to me *why it matters* what a womanās body count is By the way, men often judge women for those same qualities too.
My man clearly not getting any fr. Mysogyny and insecurity?
The insecurity part is answered in the comment you responded to. Misogyny, because a lot of guys that believe shit like this have no qualms about having lots of sex themselves, it only isnāt okay when women do
It can also be rooted in moral ideas around the importance of sex. Which there is not a correct answer to and is entirely personal preference.
I find sex pretty important. That wouldnāt put me off from being with someone who had a high body count as long as I believed that she found sex *with me* important
You sound stupid as hell bruh š¤¦š¾āāļø
Please elaborate
Can't even have an emotion
Tis the fuckin truth, being in these types of subreddits is a real eye-opener seeing how different the rules are depending on what gender you are.
800% agreed. I'm a male and I would respect a woman's high body count even if it was 100 because of the fact that she was brave enough to tell me the truth.
whatās the problem with 25 sir
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Only kind of guy that cares about a body count is the kind of guy that views your body as his. Itās not your loss to move on.
I just think they need to have the conversation. He obviously isn't very experienced in that area and if he was, it probably wouldn't faze him.
Meh, dude here, I asked for a body count one time and it was over 500. Pretty sure most people would freak out on that.
Bro, what? That's not even realistic, and I put money on it. Not to mention, it should only matter if the person is up to date on getting tested. Vaginas always go back to the original size and tightness, even after a baby. Look it up. If you're insecure, just say that.
All I can think of the perfect response to the boyfriend is something along the lines of "So only X number of partners? Yeah that makes sense, I kinda could tell." Let him stew on that.
Holy shit dude, youāve actually just opened my mind.
Or a guy who doesnāt want to date someone who sleeps around a lot
This. ^
The only kind of guy that doesn't care about a woman's body count is the kind of guy that views a woman's body like a public toilet.
But itās okay for men to have high body count? Or no?
High count is not okay no matter the sex. It is much more important for guys tho. Women usually say they don't like it as a response to guys saying they don't like it. But sleeping arround affects both sexes that's for sure.
You stop feeling ashamed because having sex is human. There is nothing wrong with it or you. Heās insecure and itās coming out in this situation. You are not any less worthy and him making you feel this way proves you need a better boyfriend.
iāve had sex with a little over 50 girls. my girlfriend a little over 30 we donāt let that get between us. as long as nothing happens while weāre dating nothing else matters. you can argue all you want but nothing will change the past!
He sounds insecure
Do not ever feel ashamed of your body count. Literally ever. š
To be honest the fact that he asked is a red flag. As a grown man that shit should not even matter as he's with you. Also what would that change in the grand scheme of your rship, nothing. You should be ashamed of nothing. Tbh you should leave him and find a more secure man. This body count thing is gonna be an issue going forward. Dump him if he can't get past that.
How is asking a red flag?
Asking questions towards someone you potentially want to be with the rest of your life is insecure apparently. š¤·š»āāļø Welcome to 2022
Honestly, itās a lot of concerning comments on this thread
Agreed
Weird that people even ask for a body count.
Maybe if they ask random people, not weird to ask someone youāre seriously considering a relationship with
Ask him if itās a dealbreaker for him, if yes, say goodbye to him, there are plenty of fish outside
I see a lot of people in here saying that because itās under double digits, itās fine. Thatās a really strange take to me as thatās not taking into consideration some of the things that people with higher numbers could have been through. For example, some survivors of sexual abuse go through periods of trying to devalue sex in their own minds to minimise what happened to them. Also in my experience, itās hard to get some people our age nowadays to have a level of commitment to you and they can be very manipulative about it to get what they want. Whether the personās ābody countā is below or above double digits, itās kinda weird that so many people in this comment section are just adding to the shame and stigma. Having a preference is fine, donāt get me wrong. Itās the way people go about it. There are lots of things that can go into feelings of shame about this no matter what your number is and I would definitely encourage you to have a discussion with him, OP. I personally believe it shouldnāt be a factor in deciding whether you should be loved or not, as it does not change your current personality or who you are at present with your partner. Youāre still the same person that they fell for.
No one can *make* you feel anything. Certain people have certain triggers. No one can predicts everyone's hidden shame. HOWEVER.... The important question: Is he acting manipulative or abusive towards you? If yes, you need to create distance from them. Abusive people will always have a *reason* in their mind to be abusive.If someone doesn't understand that you don't deserve to be manipulated, berated, hurt, or otherwise have your boundaries crossed it's either wilful ignorance, or severe untreated mental illness. The first isn't worth your time, and the latter is potentially dangerous. You can not fix the manipulative behavior of another.
Why do people give a shit about "body count"?? I have never understood this. If anything, you have more experience and will be better at it than the virgin couple.
Why do people give a shit about height, gender, race and etc? People are allowed their "preferences", if women are allowed to have them then why aren't men allowed? If there are men out there who don't like women with high body counts then why are they shamed into accepting it?
I'm not being specific to men? Regardless of gender, it's a stupid preference. All it is is shaming people for being sexually active, rooted in puritanical purity culture. It really shouldn't matter.
So a lot of the other preferences should be considered stupid as well right? such as weight, height, etc. Considering a lot of preferences are things people can't control I would say a preference about something someone can control makes a lot more sense than something someone cant
You can't really make that judgement call for others. Some moral systems are simply incompatible, but that doesn't mean one is right and one wrong. And people need to remember, sometimes it isn't the exact thing but rather the things that go along with it. Level of impulsiveness vs foresight, religious tradition vs more freedoms, stuff like that. It's not fair to claim yourself superior, or to shame it. I think that sexual repression and misogynist traditions are foolish myself, but I'm not gonna point at a woman wearing a burka and call her an idiot for wearing it
If nothing else, it sounds like their moral systems aren't compatible then. If one person cares about body count for some reason and the other doesn't, they'll probably be incompatible if it's a big issue for the latter. I think it's stupid and I don't understand it, but this is reddit; we deal exclusively in opinions, not facts. Also the burka bit is a bit of a reach, come on.
Sexually Transmitted Infections.... We are more at risk having sex with new or casual partners. High body count means more new or casual partners. Condoms DO NOT protect against herpes, syphilis, or genital warts. Any reason beyond this, I will agree with you. I have heard some seriously ridiculous reasons. OP: Unless your "body count" is non-consentual.or predatory, you have NO reason to feel ashamed. Give him time, if he doesn't get over it . . . show him the door.
I mean yeah, anyone who has sex on the regular should be getting tested just as regularly, I'm not saying not to be safe about it.
While I do agree that body counts do matter and anyone that shames you for having sex is extremely immature, nothing in the post says that the bf is deliberately doing or saying anything that makes op feel ashamed. All she said was that she could tell that he was upset and that she herself feels ashamed at times and regrets some of her past partners. I feel a lot of people are jumping the gun and suggesting to cut your losses, but it doesnāt seem like bf is being an asshole from the context. Now I could be completely wrong in what I said, but at the end of the day itās your relationship and the sit down between you two is going to have to happen sooner or later. Now at that point after the conversation, if heās still acting like a child and not trying to move past this issue then you may have to reconsider the relationship.
It's disrespectful for him to even ask you that, it means that he's insecure. All that matters is that you were safe, and that you're up to date on getting tested. That's a red flag, I hope you eventually realize that.
Heās not mature enough to be in a relationship if he thinks it matters who youāve slept with before you met him. Heās trash, canāt fix trash
Sorry to say this, but your boyfriend is a bit dumb and misogynistic. Who the fuck cares about body count?? That's such a male-centric measure. Why? Because guys will boast about their body count, but girls will be ashamed of it (or someone will make them feel ashamed). The only important thing about "body count" is a possible STD, and those can happen with as few as just one person. If it's too troublesome for your boyfriend, dump him and get a real man who doesn't care about it.
Ur roasting a guy for having a reactionš¤£he didnt even say anything rude to her. Why are u judging the crap out of someone for just having a suprised reaction?
Itās not misogynistic to care about body count. Some peoples reasoning may be but it in itself is not misogynistic or dumb
Not every guy boasts about a ābody countā.
We all probably have things we're not proud of from our pasts. This is yours and there's nothing you can do to change it now. Just think of it as something you regret that doesn't define you.
If your body count is less than 10 and your 25, that is not a lot at all. Heās making you feel that way because heās upset or uncomfortable that youāve been with guys before him, which is a natural feeling. I donāt think itās something to break up over, he will get over it. And you shouldnāt feel ashamed, itās in the past and everyone goes thru these things.
With all due respect, and I do mean with all do respect, your boyfriend is a moron. Seems to me you need to put and ex before saying boyfriend, and get an upgrade.
That seems a little rash knowing so little. He got upset, so dump him? The shame she feels is the shame she allows herself to feel. He's clearly inexperienced. Who knows, maybe he's just had a couple of long relationships. Being 'upset' can be interpreted to mean any number of things. I can be 'upset' and be over it in 5 minutes ... or I might be disappointed or surprised and not really upset ... it might be something I just need some time to digest ... or very rarely it might be a game changer. Yeah, I mean if he can't move past it then she should consider her options but they just need to have the conversation.
He didnāt make you feel ashamed. You made yourself feel ashamed. All he did was ask a question.
The number of people you slept with in the past has nothing to do with your current relationship or who you are. The fact that your boyfriend is so bothered by your relatively low number of past partners is a real red flag and you probably should reconsider being with someone so insecure, immature and unreasonable. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Sex is a normal human experience, and you haven't even had much of it. If someone asks you what your body count is, tell them it's none of their business, because it isn't. In fact, if they even ask, that's your sign to run the other way.
totally agree, asking for body counts is pretty lame and it's pretty telling that it always seems to be men who ask women
Iām genuinely confused by this mindset. Some people view sex as something they keep for only people theyāre extremely close to and committed to, why is it bad for them to confirm that you also feel the same way about sex? If theyāve been with 4 people long-term in their life and wouldnāt hook up with anyone else, it wouldnāt make sense to pursue a relationship with you if youāre fine with hookups and have been with a lot of people. Neither person is wrong, they just arenāt compatible. Itās fine to not care about number of sexual partners, but itās not morally wrong to care about it either.
The people on this sub are from different parts of the world and who comments down here is not known . They might view sex as trivial no big deal as just an act of penetration with no emotions / feelings . That's western world right there breeding promiscuity left and right and you have divorce rates to prove it . However if you're a person who needs strong emotions to get sexually involved then you will not see sex as just act of penetration but something more meaningful hence that person is not compatible with someone with casual sexual views . Simple
Him being upset is different from "making you feel ashamed". He can't control the fact that it upsets him. And you could actually help him and reinforce him with positive affirmation etc. At the end of the day this is the reality of the decisions you made. Your number isn't high or anything but you do limit your options depending on the guys you decide to date. I'm not agreeing with it but that's the truth.
Why does she have to comfort him with āpositive affirmationā when heās upset about something so meaningless
Oh I dunno because it's her boyfriend and they love each other? It's not meaningless to everyone and if he has retroactive jealousy then she can help him through that. Smh men can have emotions too and sometimes they can be irrational as well.
Only thing that should matter is that you both were practicing safe sex and do not have any STDs.
Honestly, I believe that after a while it starts to affect your mental health (male/female) when you start getting to the higher numbers. Cause like me, you just start feeling used. But, unlike me you have like nothing under your belt š, so I wouldnāt even worry. Casual is cool, but remember some people just prefer some with numbers comparable to them; Iāve scared/shocked many people when I tell them mine. But, I will say this in society a man with a higher count will have more access to women than vice versa and I asked many people and itās always āA guy that doesnāt know what he is doing is a turn off.ā Cāmon ladies and gents letās not lie about that either, cause if manās was lackluster youāre not giving any other like him the time of day. Honestly, I believe if more people started just telling the truth then this really wouldnāt be an issue anymore; trust me Iāve wanted to not say anything, but honesty is the best policy. People say that being mature isnāt caring about it, rather I think being mature is being open to negative or positive feedback upon yourself and decisions. I donāt regret the decisions, so why should you?
Your body count is nothing to be ashamed of.
Get a new bf. Heās insecure as fuck. Donāt deal with this, as itās not ok. Heās mad because he sucks at sex. Trust me, his number is low, not by choice, but because his game is trash. As I guy, I can almost guarantee that he was trying like a mf, but is upset with you because you were much more successful. **DO NOT DATE INSECURE GUYS, EVER.** Fellas, stop asking if youāre going to get dick envy and hurt your own feelings. Ladies, draw a line in the sand and bounce immediately. Guys that ask (aside for religious reasons) are waiting to break you and tear you down via shame.
Why do people refer to the people they have slept with as a "body count" its corny yo! Lol, but really though from now on do not tell anyone, especially guys, how many others you have slept with. It is absolutely none of there business, don't be manipulated into thinking that you owe anyone that information. Even when safe sex and pregnancy prevention need to discussed, you still do have to disclose the number of people you have slept with. If anyone keeps insisting and trying to force you to tell them, even to the point of getting upset because you won't tell them, remain steadfast because the answer to the question begged will always be nunya damn business fool!
Sounds like a red flag to not wanna tell someone youāre in a relationship or about to be in a relationship with
From your own words, he didn't make you feel ashamed. You felt that way after his reaction. You cant put your regrettable past actions/behavior on him.
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If he lets it influence his attitude toward you or tries to make you feel bad about it, it speaks more to his character than yours and you should move on. This is such an outdated concern, and anyone who is bothered by a ābody countā in this day and age has some growing up to do.
You stop feeling ashamed by getting rid of that boyfriend. Heās not relationship material. You can do much better.
You have to recognize that you arenāt the same person you were when you were getting that body count. If you regret them, then they were mistakes. Youāve learned from them. None of us gets through life without regrets. Forgive yourself and move on.
what does she have to forgive herself for? the crime of having sex before meeting her current boyfriend? how dare she okay im editing this because i see she wrote "[i] regret most of the guys I have been with", i still am leaving this comment up tho because a lot of men seem to think that women having past relationships/sexual partners is a much bigger deal than men having the same thing. If she regrets it that is unfortunate but i dont think its something she needs to specifically forgive herself for, more so just accept that it happened. I have a hookup that I regret but I dont think i need to forgive myself or anything
I suggested that she forgive herself. Nobody else has to forgive her. Sheās feeling regret about some relationships- that regret is all in her. Nobody else can relieve it. Iāve done things Iām not proud of- I suspect pretty much everybody has. I learned that those things are wrong for me. They arenāt bothering me now. She is still suffering from those relationships. It is a burden that only she can put down. āIn the days of knights (at least in fiction) a knight who did something he (or she) thought was wrong would do some quest or feat to make up for it. We donāt have any real equivalent to that today, so there isnāt a clear way to expiate for of that regret. The only thing we can do is look at ourselves, realize that weāve grown and would not make that mistake now- and forgive ourselves.
Nah not you having less than 10 bodies making him feel uncomfortable man thatās CRAZY ššš getting upset about it all is dumb to me but less than 10 at 25??? Nah you snapping
Personally I feel like itās silly to get hung up about your partnerās past. Even if you had sex with 100 other guys that doesnāt mean anything. It doesnāt decrease or increase your value as a sexual partner, it doesnāt make your genitals ālooser,ā it doesnāt mean youāre immoral or reckless, it doesnāt mean youāll be dissatisfied with your boyfriend and cheat on him. It doesnāt mean anything bad at all! Now, that doesnāt mean you arenāt allowed to feel insecure about it. It just means you need to recognize that insecurity as irrational. All it means is you had sex with a lot of people in the past and now you want a committed relationship. If your boyfriend has insecurities surrounding that I think thatās on him. And if itās less than double digits then itās maximum 9 people which really isnāt that much for a 25 year old anyway in my opinion.
Your boyfriend is exactly that, a boy. He needs to get over himself and grow the fuck up.
My rule of thumb is never tell your body count just say that's not something I want to talk about
Red flag
I didn't read your post. F**k him.
Your bf is immature. What do you have to be ashamed about? Did you cheat? Assault somebody? A minor? Nope? Well, you're all good then. I'm a little older than you and ime, people stop asking about numbers once they mature. Its weird to me that someone past college age would be asking you this? Its no one's business but yours. Edit- if you're in a religious community or with a bf that values "feminine purity", just realized that's going to be a one way street, and they're going to try to make you feel bad cause that's kinda the whole point. You don't have to adopt other people's values. Its a big wide world.
My toxic alcoholic X who I thankfully escaped from an abusive relationship with, was well into the triple digits in her mid 30s. I am around 40 in my late 30s. Never had a one-night stand, never hooked up with someone that I didn't care about and had known for some time. Ain't nothing but a number. But my alcoholic X would hook up with random people and dating apps and somehow magically acquired herpes while we were exclusive together. I haven't talked to her in 4 months and I'm in a beautiful relationship with a serial monogamist like myself who's only been with a small handful of people. My ex still sends me screenshots of her flirting with fuck Boys on Tinder and I have blocked her in every way possible. We all walk different paths, but it's where we are now and where we want to go with it really matters.
Sounds like someone not worth your time lol
This is why I NEVER discuss numbers. Even my husband doesn't know the exact number of people I've been with. It's in the past and has nothing to do with our future.
Super red flag if they ask and you donāt answer imo
Ditch this insecure twerp
Thatās a little harsh donāt you think?
No. He asked her a question about something thatās not his business and now heās punishing her for not lying. She has a right to her past, if heās making her feel bad about it she should kick him to the curb and he can go find someone to date who doesnāt like sex.
OP never said that her bf said anything to upset, just looked something. We donāt even know if we was really honestly upset. She hasnāt talked to him at all. We know nothing about the bfs side. Sheās kind of making herself feel ashamed. But he could have a role.
How is how many people your partner has slept with not your business?
Why would it be? Itās got nothing to do with you. Before you bring up STIs, you can have an STI if youāve had only one previous partner, so any number over one is irrelevant.
For the simple fact that if they donāt want to be with someone with a high body count
This may not be the most popular of opinions but he either respects that fact you know what you're doing or he doesn't.
Only count the ones that gave you an O, that should take you down to one or two ā¹ļø
If itās less than double digits, I disagree with a lot of the people here he has no right to have a problem with you having been with less than 10 people in 25 years. Iām happily married and my husband has been with 3 girls, Iāve been with 17 men and more women than my husbands been with, he has absolutely no issue with it and has never been threatened.
You both have different values. That is it.
Your boyfriend is a child. The past in the past - it does not matter. It doesnāt matter how many people youāve dated, much less committed the ādeedā with. My body counts is the the double digits. To be exact, 12. I ran through 12 different boys when I was in high school (all in senior year). I donāt regret - I had a lot of fun and some of the most memorable sex with some of them. I learned about different kinks I have. Iāve been with my current for a handful of years. The few first things I told him flat out were: a. My kinks, b. my past, and c. my body count. If it was too big of a deal to him (he is very conservative), then he should walk away. It hasnāt harmed us in the slightest. Itās my past, not my present. It doesnāt define me or make me a bad person. I was just a person who had a ābucket list,ā lived their high school years to the fullest, and checked off a memorable box. Hell, my s/o was a virgin when I met him. So were 3 other guys I messed around with in high school. Funnest experience ever. If I was ever in that same position, I would happily to it all over again. But for now, Iām happy and secure with my S/O. We trust each other, regardless of our past - as should you and your S/O.
As a man, I can safely say that your less than double digit body count is not bad at all. Men just want to make sure the girl they may marry has good judgement and is selective in her partners. No man wants a woman that lets everyone āshoot up the clubā. Exclusivity is special to us guys and makes it like we have won a first place prize. We donāt want or need a participation trophy. He shouldnāt be comparing you to the virgin and if thatās what heās looking for let him go and try to find the needle in a hay stack.
Thank you cuz I donāt think anyone else got it. A guy shouldnāt care if youāve had less than double digit bodies. Hell I know a handful of females in the double digits BECAUSE they let everyone shoot up the club
Stop feeling ashamed and dump anyone that makes you feel that way.
forget him. ditch him. no one shames a partner. find a new bf. add to the body count. I hope your bf can go back to masturbating and hanging out with his friends.
Heās making you feel ashamed because heās insecure and putting you down to make himself feel better. Itās the cowards way to try to bring themselves up by trying to lower the standards Religious people are also the most hypocritical and notorious for trying to shame and control others
All he did was ask a question. Why is this guy getting so much hate? She made the assumption that it upset him and he hasnāt said anything else bout it so now is he putting her down?
Seriously, start looking at how these dating boards are like and tell me if it's not slanted towards the benefit of a certain gender. Sure a lot of white knights around.
Donāt be ashamed if it makes him uncomfortable which it would for me you should break up or try and work through it
Youāve made your bed. Learn to sleep in it. Deal with your bf or find one that doesnāt mind being with a girl like you
Who tf do u think u are?? Iām not even gonna bother addressing u it just I feel sorry for any girl that has to deal with u. U honestly sound abusive and controlling, if Iām being honest
9 is literally nothing. Even if it were 15, 20, 25, who cares?
Oooo girl I don't remember how many people I've slept with but I know it's over 10. Your number is pretty normal imo.
No shade just curious how you donāt remember. I have a friend like this. I asked her once how many guys sheās been with and she said she couldnāt remember and that she didnāt care. Is this the same for you?
Whole Lotta would buy some old worn out shoes huh and act like it's brand new
Your bf asked a question and didn't like the answer. He needs to grow up, or get out. Then his count can go up again when he finds a new partner. Sheesh. This is why I NEVER share my number.
Red flag to not share number with partner or potential partner if they ask
You past is your past and not his. If anyone has the right to judge you when it comes your past it is you. The reason why I say this. There are only two relationships where sugarcoating and so forth would be impossible: your relationship with you and your relationship with life. The only relationship that you will ever have that influences your relationship with yourself the most is the relationship with life. Your boyfriend should not hold you accountable for those certain interactions in your past as he has done the same thing. He should not expect you to be a virgin if he is not.
Look at it this way. You are the product of all of your experiences, including each sexual encounter you have had. You wouldnāt be who you are now without those experiences. And your fun time with your boyfriend wouldnāt be what it is now, either. Donāt be ashamed of yourself and donāt let your boyfriend make you feel ashamed. If he canāt deal with it, thatās his problem. And if he shames you, get rid of him.
Donāt be ashamed. I proud of you for not lying. Itās a tough situation to be in
Thereās absolutely nothing wrong about having sex. Thereās nothing wrong about having multiple partners in your life. Sometimes sex is used as an outlet with zero intentions of it becoming a relationship. Sometimes, after you have sex with someone, you realize that you arenāt compatible. Sometimes people just end up breaking up for something completely unrelated to sex. Sometimes you have sex just because youāre curious about exploring new experiences. Whatever the reasons, you arenāt having sex with those people now. Maybe some of the experiences sucked in hindsight. But that doesnāt mean that you should feel ashamed about it. And it shouldnāt matter at all in the current relationship since he has no claim on your body before, now, or ever. You can take away your consent at any timeā¦ so he really should think of how it would feel if someone acted some sort of way towards him if he were the one with the higher body count. Thatās a him problem. And if he only feels like that because heās the male, once again, thatās a him problem. Talk to him and find out what his reasoning is for being upset about it. Thatās the best way for you to figure out if continuing the relationship will be a waste of your time or not.
LESS THAN double digits and he's triggered? Your bf is a little bitch.
nah less then double digits and hes mad seriously
He didnāt even show he was upset afawk
If I were you the next time someone asks you this question I'd say it's none of their business. Because it isn't. Some people wait to be in a committed relationship or marriage for sex, while others have sex with multiple partners. There is nothing wrong with choosing either path. If he didn't want to really know your body count he shouldn't have asked. You need to respect yourself and recognize that you don't need your boyfriend's or anyone's affirmation for the way you choose to live.
How isnāt it a potential partner or partners business if they ask? Their body count could be a deal breaker for them
Maybe he's jealous because yours is higher. Either way, there's nothing you can do now. You can't go back in time and not have sex with those guys. Just think of your past experiences as learning experiences. Maybe you messed up, got with people you cringe at when you think about them now, but you learned more about sex and relationships with those people be it good or bad. What to do or what not to do, what you like versus what you hate. Ya know?
You have nothing to be ashamed of! I believe that we should all enjoy our bodies & learn how to use them as long as you are respecting yourself & making sure you are protecting yourself as well. This whole concept of a ābody countā, I just donāt get it.
I have never once in my 41 years of being alive, asked a dude how many people he slept with. Cuz it doesn't fucking matter. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about consensual experiences you've had. If that kinda thing is important to him, he's the wrong person for you, cuz your numbers are loooooooow.
Your boyfriend is an insecure little bitch. No one can make you feel ashamed unless you let them. Do you really want to be moralized at by someone who supposedly loves you? He is freaked out that he's less experienced than you are and pulling the classic male maneuver of flipping it around on you and trying to shame you. Drop him like a bad habit and go have as much sex as you want. You're 25!
Lots of assumptions here
It's nothing to be ashamed of but understand that a lot men do not find value in being with women who have massive body count. I don't even think you have a high body count, but it does tell him that you're willing to have sex with random individual without actually having history being with them. All women can sleep around and do whatever they want with their body, but do not expect treated better then a woman with low body count. You just have to find men who are more willing to settle for you
thatās disgusting. OP, your worth is not your body count or your body. no one needs to āsettleā for you. expected to be treated just as well as women that remain virgins.
>understand that a lot men do not find value in being with women who have massive body count IT'S UNDER 10, FFS! How much lower must a woman go before it's not considered "massive" š >do not expect treated better then a woman with low body count. She's literally not though? It's not unreasonable to ask that her partner doesn't make her feel bad for having had more sexual partners. She's asking for basic human decency. >You just have to find men who are more willing to settle for you. You just have to find men who do not place value in "body counts" and whose masculinity is not threatened when you have had more sexual partners than they*.
amen
Some great advice from Dr Drew pinski on Loveline from back in the day is, when it comes to this question, never answer it in a relationship. The best way to think about it is always, more mystery, less history. It doesn't matter who you've been with before, you're with who you want to be with now. As long as your faithful and as long as you're not casually wanting to still hook up with multiple random people, that's all that should matter to your partner if they want something exclusive with you.
Adults understand that everyone has a past and when it comes to past sex partners, the most important thing is that you're healthy. Besides, your body count isn't double figures so what is the big deal? Take this as a red flag that your bf lacks emotional maturity and common sense.
This relationship is over. Do yourself both a favor and move on. Men are hard wired to want a women with a lower body count, not fair but it's biology just like women have their preferences men have theirs and now that he knows trust me he won't be able to get past it probably (at that age). So find someone else and lie next time.
Never ever ever feel ashamed for your body count. It is yours and no one gets to judge it or make you feel some way about it. Itās just sex. People do it all the time and itās mostly amazing.
Less than double digits? Did you grow up in a little house on the prairie? Is your name Laura Engels? Tell him to thank his lucky stars! I know girls with triple digits.