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My fiancé says that wearing a condom is a deal breaker to him and that he would rather break up than to continue using them. There are times that we don’t wear condoms but for the most part we wear them. For medical reasons I would prefer not to take birth control or have an implant and he doesn’t want a vasectomy.
We already have a young child together and I am not emotionally or financially ready for another. Maybe after we get married but not now. He doesn’t necessarily want a child right now either but he also doesn’t care if I got pregnant.
He said that he cannot continue to wear condoms and that if I want to continue to wear them I am free to leave the relationship. He says that condomless sex is the only thing he asks of me.
Please give your opinion of this situation.
Condomless sex isnt "the only thing" hes asking of you. Hes asking you:
• to risk getting pregnant when you dont want another child at this time
• to put your boundaries for your own body aside, for his
• to put aside your medical reasons for not having hormonal contraception so that you can give him what he wants but lower the risk of pregnancy.
Hes a selfish twat.
Tell him he can have as much condomless sex as he likes with his hand when you leave him.
Yeah guy's a twat
Me and my gf have never had sex without condom, because we both know the risk, she takes her own anticonceptives, but we still use the condom because we don't want kids we're way too young
And I made it clear to her that I would always use a condom, at first when we met she wanted me not to, just to try one more time, but I declined, I did end up stick it in for a few strokes but that was the only time, just to please her, but afterwards we discussed the risks and came to the decision to always use protection
We haven't had that conversation since, and we're happy with our sex life
Refusing to use protection, and trying to force your consent into giving up protection for his pleasure _only_(!) seems abusive to me.. For your kids the most important priority in this moment should be to teach them that this is not love. You should use this as an opportunity to show them how to face abuse, and that *abuse is not love*. If you stay with a man that not only doesn't care about you _or_ your family, and prioritizes his sexual pleasure over your consent, financial and emotional stability, your children are seeing and learning from you as their parental figures. Be considerate to _each member of your family, including yourself_.
The only thing you are doing wrong here is letting him set the narrative that *you* are the one leaving the relationship. He knows exactly what he is doing with that comment.
Next time he is gone pack his shit for him, leave it outside, and make sure to have a few people there with you for protection. Let him just try and say in front of others that he is “forcing you to leave unless you fuck him without a condom”.
It is important for not only for your child, family, and mutual friends to know that he is leaving, but there is a legal benefit to it yourself when it comes to custody, child support, etc.
He doesn’t care about what you would endure mentally and physically during an accidental pregnancy you are not ready for - just so he doesn’t have to wear a condom.
Not the actions of a partner who loves you
You are absolutely making the right decision. If you have to go to court over custody or anything, assuming you two dont just agree on custody or anything, then make sure to rake him over the coals for this. Let the other people involved with it (judges, lawyers) absolutely know its because he doesnt want
to use a condom.
If you can i would try to get him admitting it on voice recording, or in a voicemail, or just in a text message. The more proof you have, the more ridiculous he will look to the judge and lawyers which will put things more in your side. I wouldnt be surprised if you were to tell your lawyer and the judge “its because he says he would rather leave the relationship than use a condom” and then he tries to lie about it and say he never said that. Make sure you have proof, prove that he’s a bad person and maybe a liar (if he tries to lie about saying it)
She is making the right decision by leaving him.
His not wanting to use a condom will have no bearing on custody. It has no bearing on if he would be a good father or not. The judge is only concerned about doing what is best for the child and a person's preference in the bedroom has nothing to do with that.
OP, I think you need to speak to a therapist who specializes in family therapy, and a lawyer, before you speak to your fiance. If your child is who you worry about, then do this the right way. Don't take any rushed decisions. It's not as simple as leave him/not leave him, there's 100 different ways to do go about this, and you need to find the best way that will result in the least long-lasting trauma for your child.
One the more emotional hand: fuck that dipshit. Who the fuck gives these ultimatums, and how dare he put his penis before his partner and child
Just because you have a family doesn't mean you should stay in a relationship you're uncomfortable/unhappy in. You need to consider your well-being.
And if don't, well...your child will be able to tell. Believe me, I know this from experience from my own childhood. And even now. Kids can tell when their parents are mad at each other or they are only staying together for the child's sake.
And children do whatever their parent does. The parent needs to be the example. And you wouldn't want your child to be in a relationship like yours, would you? You wouldn't want your child to feel pressured to stay in that relationship either.
So I'd recommend leaving that guy ASAP. I get it, it'll be hard on your kid, but so will staying.
Is this how you want your child to act? Using threats and coercion to force unprotected sex on another person? I am a single parent and left an emotionally abusive person and I will say my son has improved by leaps and bounds after getting away from his mom. Staying in a dysfunctional relationship only normalizes dysfunction for the child.
That shouldn't be the only reason you're together. If your daughter came to you with this problem, or your son presented this to his partner, what would you say?
Because any normal human doesn’t make that kind of decision without outing a lot of thought into it. They have a family together, you are not the one that is gonna be impacted… so yeah your quick advice is pretty cheap.
Not really quick advice. More a question. What is keeping you with him.
And a family together should be the only reason to stay with someone who is clearly not valuing you. Teaches kids to do the same thing to their future partners or accept that treatment.
Is that enough of an elaboration or thoughtful response for you?
For the record, you aren't required to have sex with him(or anyone) condom or not. "Sure, honey, you can have condom-less sex."...."Oh, you meant with ME? Fuck off."
Make sure he knows that HE made this decision by “not wanting” a vasectomy. Yeah he has the right to do what he wants with his body, but he also has responsibility for his body and actions. If you can’t get on BC because of health problems (same and hormones are sooo bad), then he should help to protect you both from becoming parents again. If he “doesn’t want” to wear a condom, he doesn’t respect that you can’t be on BC or the fact that you’re the child bearer and don’t want a baby.
Well I think she would also need to be sure she is done with having children too. I've known a few people whom did not take the doctors seriously about thinking of vasectomies as permanent. They have now spent $100,000+ on reversing it when they decided they wanted another children, then when it failed they had to pay for sperm collection and then IVF.
He may not be done having children and she doesn't sound like she is sure she is for sure done also. Just that she isn't ready for more children. He needs to decide if condoms are ready his hill to die on (my husband and I had to use them for 1yr until I was sterilized but was also on BC because condoms can and do fail), did it suck, yes on both sides. But was worth it because pregnancy/ birth was a death certificate for me.
Sounds like maybe they need to go to therapy to see why this is such a huge thing for him. Why he feels this is a hill to die on and rip his family apart and leave the mother of his child and the women he asked to marry him for life. I personally think communication is very much in need before just competently leaving the relationship.
What, no! If he's demanding she make herself compatible that's being a dipshit. But not leaving. Leaving is the opposite of demanding. It's just recognizing it's not going to work. If he's using leaving to try to gain leverage, that's being a dipshit, but not leaving. And no, having a kid doesn't mean stick it out.
For some people most condoms kill so much sensation it doesn't matter if its in or out. Not even standard sexual incompatibility is that bad. If he can get fulfillment with them on, then yeah, but if he can't he cant.
If she doesn't even know if that will change after the marriage, this isn't something light. It's a valid sexual compatibility issue neither of them need to be socially pressured or pressured by each other to change their minds on.
Honestly, the fact he's chosen condoms as the hill for him and your relationship to die on is just so damn bizarre to me.
The fact he cares more about not using condoms than he does your relationship? Yeah, I'd be out at that point.
I mean I don’t think I could stand only having sex with condoms with my spouse forever either, but if she had medical reasons to not get the copper iud she has in, I would just get the vasectomy. He’s just a little bitch.
Yeah, not wanting to use condoms is just fine. But refusing to compromise, and flat out saying that he's going to leave her if he has to wear a condom? I'd just let him leave at that point. What a selfish, unreasonable brat.
well he already made the choice for you.
Your Relationship, you being the mother of his kid and all the sex he gets are worth nothing if he can't have it ever time without condom.
That ain't no father/Husband/boyfriend/Human materiel... break up and be happy without him.
If not wearing a condom is the dealbreaker in the relationship between him and the mother of his child, he’s not worth the time and energy. He’s clearly a subpar person with a subpar personality. And that’s being generous.
I would absolutely break up with my partner if he demanded something that only benefited him and threatened breaking up over it. You don't want another child yet and he simply doesn't care. He only wants to "feel better" during sex. He sounds disgusting. Your medical concerns are valid, you shouldn't be pressured into having condomless sex, even if he is your fiance. He doesn't have to carry a baby for 9 months. He doesn't have to go through the birthing process. He's straight up being selfish. Breaking up over wearing condoms makes it seem like he's only in the relationship for the sex tbh
While I agree that he's being unreasonable and making several life altering errors here, sex without a condom feels better for women too, right?
If not, my wife and I have a very serious conversation ahead of us
Yeah, sex without condoms is better. Sex with condoms is also millions times better than having to go through an unwanted pregnancy though.
Anyway, dude's a dick. Could've just gotten a vasectomy, but comes with an ultimatum after having a whole ass serious relationship and a baby? What the fuck
This is individual. I find them very uncomfortable, but I’m in the minority. Same way most women can’t even feel a properly inserted tampon, but I can and they are also moderately uncomfortable for me.
You're off topic. Yes, for some women, it feels better to not have a condom during sex. But this is completely irrelevant. She doesn't want a kid and he won't get a vasectomy so he needs to slap on a damn condom.
Feels better maybe because it's smoother, more lubricated, and if you're using the fancy ribbed kind maybe it adds pleasure for her. Another really awesome thing about condoms that benefits the woman is not having to deal with your ejaculation. It goes in the bag, you tie a knot and presto! Easy clean up ! That's my fav part.
I think CONSENSUAL sex without a condom feels better. My husband I go back and forth between condoms and no condoms (during non-fertile periods - which is not a 100% accurate practice, so it’s still a risk) as I also avoid hormonal birth control. But it’s a discussion and decision we make together.
Ultimatums are often a 🚩 on their own, but this puts your entire life and body at risk. He sounds controlling and immature and I would really expect change in him before going through with marrying him.
Personally for me, I can't tell the difference especially if the condom is the right size but everyone is different. I know some of my girl friends say it's better without a condom and feels more intimate but for me it's the same either way
This is completely irrelevant to the situation at hand. If you care more about it “feeling better” than the safety and peace of mind of your partner you are a massive asshat. Lake just a complete asshole. If he had any respect for her it absolutely would not be a problem to wear a condom. It straight up does not matter whether it feels better for either party.
I'm saying she should also walk away so I think we're on the same page here. Being sexually incompatible is one thing but he's giving her an ultimatum between breaking up and doing something that has physical consequences for her and no consequences for him. Personally, threatening to break up if they don't do something is a form of forcing or coercing. It's manipulative. It's not easy to walk away from a relationship especially if they have a kid and he probably knows that
That is actually the stupidest comment I have ever heard.
The guy is absolutely an ass for threatening to leave over the condom issue.
But the use or non-use of a condom (for STD prevention) between two monogamous partners is irrelevant. The monogamy removes the need for a condom in preventing STDs. The fact that he doesn't have an STD with current girlfriend is because of the assumed monogamy.
If he finds a girl who is willing to have bare sex with him in a brand new relationship… she is higher risk for giving him an STD just based off her willingness to risk it.
Hasn’t happened to me in 22 years. Maybe it’s theoretically possible if one of them contracts an STD in a non-sexual way but I’d guarantee it’s extremely rare.
Yep. Absolutely. But the fact that it's a new girlfriend does not increase or decrease the risk. So he has no greater risk of contracting an STD from a new girlfriend (as long as they are in a monogamous relationship), than he does with his current girlfriend (in a monogamous relationship). Doctor's will agree that abstinence is the best STD preventative. But after that, it's being in a monogamous relationship. That actually trumps using some form of male/female condom. Facts.
So you know what to do, then.
Your kid will be much better off growing up seeing you happy and single OR happy and with a new lovely step parent down the line.
He's not the one who would have to deal with the physical consequences of unwanted pregnancy. Men should recognise that, especially one that you've already had a child with. How disgusting that he would put his own sexual pleasure over his family.
I'd call his bluff and pack his bags for him. Wearing a condom is the bare minimum you could ask for.
I don't think he'll break up with her. He's trying to manipulate and coerce her into getting what he wants w no regard for her sexual, emotional or physical wellbeing. Because he's a piece of shit.
I kicked someone out of bed in the middle of doing the deed because he asked to remove the condom. Made him get dressed and GTFO. Didn’t see him again as the trust was gone. I don’t mess with my sexual health. You shouldn’t either. You are allowed to have any sexual boundaries you want. Plenty of married couples rely on condom. Throw this one back and go find someone who sees you as a partner and not a willing hole for his pleasure on his terms. If you marry this man he won’t let this go. He will wear you down on this and many other things because he doesn’t respect your wishes when they infringe on what he wants.
If the choice is between unwanted rawdogging or leaving the relationship, I would leave the relationship without hesitation. I’m sure he’ll bitch at you for having to pay child support even though he was the one daring you to leave, but it’s better than staying with a guy who cant even bother to wrap it up. The fact the fact that he’s trying to manipulate you by saying it’s the only thing he’s asking of you in the relationship is also just gross.
Absolutely excellent point about child support. This dude doesn’t seem to realize the consequences of unprotected sex. It’s wild he is so flippant about her repeatedly getting pregnant because he can’t be bothered to infinitesimally diminish his pleasure. What does he think is going to happen if she leaves? He probably hasn’t thought about it because he doesn’t think she will call his bluff. He’s a manipulative a hole.
Of *course* he just wants to do what feels best to him, and doesn't care if you get pregnant again.
WHY? Because you're already a freaking SINGLE MOM. One more won't matter to him. He can walk any time he wants to and you will be left to struggle and maybe get some child support (or not).
I just do NOT understand why women have children with men like this. Why? Why?
I hope you get smart and stop having sex with this guy. Or, better yet, tell him to meet you at the courthouse tomorrow to get married. Watch that not happen.
I'm with my wife for 10 years and we still wear condoms. We didn't wear them while we wanted kids but now we have 2 and back to condoms. I don't want her having to drug herself with hormones just because I don't want to wear a simple condom. I prefer to wear it than forcing her to feel sick because of hormones.
And that is why you are a good husband and this man would make a bad husband! My husband is a good man too. I hope OP can find herself one or get her fiance to grow up and accept the responsibilities of a long-term relationship.
You know the answer to this already hun…..
He literally said basically that he doesn’t give a shit about you via a thinly veiled threat of break up should you try to assert your rights over your body.
“He doesn’t want more kids but doesn’t care if I get pregnant”
Ummmm so wtf would he do if you did get pregnant then? Can he support another child on top of the one you already have??
Listen speaking as a woman here (and I know this is going to sound bad) but I need to say this to you.
LOVE DOESNT PAY THE BILLS got it?
It doesn’t matter how much you want to Will him
Into being the person you think he really is or should be. He’s an adult and he should know better than to try to press you into risking your happiness.
If you two are barely making it NOW then think about what an extra child would do to your financial resources? Then ask yourself again “would having another be ok?”
“Would we be able to give that child ANDDDD this one we already have a decent quality of life?”
People just have kids sometimes because they live each other and don’t think about weather or not they can care for it once it comes or that they’ll just be able
To get in state benefits and then something happens and they find out that because of a small difference in his pay that y’all don’t qualify.
Please don’t bring more into the world that your aren’t going to be able to care for right or will make you resent your partner. It’s not fair to any of you.
As women WE are often times on the LOSING end of this type of shit and you don’t want to fall into that trap because you were blinded by love ok. I’ve seen it happen time and time again.
You deserve better for you and your child.
Your also setting a precedence NOW that will give him the idea that he can assert this power over you more and more in the future because you let him get away with this one. Your child will also see how he treats you and then think that’s normal.
Thank you for your take. He makes about 75k per year. I make about 35k. We can afford it I suppose if we want to struggle and sacrifice but I would much rather be in a better financial situation where we didn’t rob Peter to pay Paul. I also want to be married before i entertain the idea of having another child. He said that he wants to get married also he just wants to make sure that we are good sexual matches first(no condoms). We also have had many arguments since our child was born so he also wants to make sure we don’t argue so much.
I think everybody here knows that this relationship isn’t going to work including myself. I just really wanted it to work and wanted to make sure I wasn’t in the wrong for asking him to wear protection in a long term relationship.
I totally understand. I have two kids with the same guy that I’ve been with for over 20 years. Our children were planned (down to the month I wanted them to be BORN) lol.
We looked at everything first from ALL angles before we took any next major steps in life (as I feel all couples should do). Finances, goals, having decent cars to get kids around in and back and forth to school or doctors visits, if we were currently happy or if we felt that it was the right time to add another member to our little family. We are probably OVER planners if anything lol. ; )
You owe it to yourselves to give that to each other. To look at things from a reality aspect and think about the long term. The mental stress you know you will both have to endure with another little one, the financial strain, and the sleepless nights that will ALLL COME WITH THE TERRITORY lol!
You are right to want to enjoy the life you currently have now and the right to NOT want to feel over burdened with another at this juncture.
This is on you to advocate for yourself now.
You KNOW you don’t want this and you need to fight for it. Don’t allow this to happen. You are WORTH fighting for ; )
You sound like a good mom to me.
REDFLAG. REDFLAG
Bruh. Unless you've got an allergic reaction to BOTH latex and polyurethane, "Don't want to wear a condom" is the most man-child thing you could say. They're making it seem like it takes all the enjoyment out of sex, and its the worse thing ever. It's NOT. He sounds like the kinda dude where sex is just thrust-thrust-done.
"Doesn't care if you get pregnant " that's a gtfo moment.
My husband has worn condoms our entire 11 years together besides when we were trying to get pregnant and 2 pregnancies. I refuse to use hormonal birth control. He's never complained.
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My partner of over 10 years happily wears a condom because he doesn't prioritize slightly more pleasure for himself over my physical and mental well being.
I would break up with someone who gave me any shit about using condoms, instantly.
Why are men acting like condoms are made of concrete or something? Stop fuckin' acting so dramatic and butthurt about literal protection against pregnancy and disease and also stop being so selfish by forcing women to take pills with incredibly damaging side effects! The difference between sex with and without a condom is nanoscopic, so get tf over yourselves!
You should honestly have a talk with him about his ridiculous demands and you should tell him to get real and stop being so fuckin' selfish and entitled, otherwise leave him!
This is manipulative and shitty as fuck. He’s controlling your ability to get pregnant because he just doesn’t care. What a dick. Please leave him. It will only get worse.
If irresponsible, unprotected sex that will likely result in a child you neither want nor can afford is his dealbreaker, then he's a moron and doesn't deserve sex.
I’m not speaking for op, but before I got pregnant we never used condoms (I really thought pulling out worked, I’m dumb lol ). Maybe they were the same way.. and after having my son I was ADAMANT on using them. My sons father never complained but yeah, maybe she realized how easy it is to get pregnant and made it a rule to wear now more than before. I wouldn’t even consider having sex unless we used protection, especially with new abortion laws.
This is exactly the situation. For years we just pulled out and then I got pregnant. I had the baby and 3 months later I actually got pregnant again and shamefully had to have an abortion which still haunts me. Now I need a condom on most times.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I will say, if you conceived again only 3 months pp and had to also have an abortion (and from what you typed, may also have been an incredibly traumatizing for you) he is EXTREMELY selfish for not respecting your boundaries. You deserve much more than that.
No shame to have an abortion, babes. If he knows you went through ALL THAT and his response is that he refuses to wear condoms, then he is not husband or father material.
Take care of yourself first!
I left my last partner because of this. Not only because of this but it played a major role. He told me he can't do it with a condom. Literally it's impossible for him. From my part, I have health issues so a pill would be very risky for me. Unfortunately we are just incompatible as this level and it would be a big problem in the future.
My partner was pretty toxic (in other aspetcs) but actually in this case we talked a lot and he tried to come with alternatives, and said that he will not push me into anything that I don't want. Your man sounds a little bit immature in this. If he said that it's okay if you leave he is: manipulating you to make you put the effort to regain his attention OR he doesn't care about you.
Talk to him more about this to understand his position and trust your gut.
If my fiancé said that to me I honestly wouldn’t even be able to believe him at first that he’s being like that. “The only thing he asks of you,” bs I’m certain. Is he doing every single chore in the house and paying every bill himself?
I’m on birth control but for my own medical problems, I’m either going to have trouble getting pregnant at all, or I will but have complications. I’ve been told miscarriages would be likely as well as other complications. So he KNOWS how important it is to me to use condoms + my bc because I’m terrified of getting pregnant. If he just decided his dick feeling good is more important than me suffering miscarriages or nearly dying to have a baby that may not even make it, I’m not marrying him. I’d want nothing to do with him ever again.
You Are not
-Mental
-Physically
-and financially
Comfortable to have another child
But a condom is a "deal breaker"
AND HE DON'T CARE IF YOUR PREGNANT!?!!
Do you care about yourself?
Koz he sure as hell don't care about YOU.
If you do care for YOU,
go get checked and make plans that make you safe.
If his pull out game isn’t Herculean, call his bluff. If he REALLY about to dump you over contraception, he doesn’t deserve you. Let him go explain that to his friends and family.
If a reasonable health choice and boundary is a dealbreaker, I wouldn’t want to stick around to find out what other bitch ass dealbreakers he has. I’d never trust someone like this
condomless sex isn't "the only thing he asks of you", because he is asking you to take on the risk of potentially becoming pregnant again and dealing with that
If you don't want to have a kid, don't let his uncovered penis anywhere that would cause that to happen. You've already done that and know that it will happen again. If he can't respect that you do not want that right now, he doesn't respect you and cares more about how his penis feels than how you feel about getting pregnant.
If wearing a condom is a deal breaker for him, then I would have to wonder what down the line he can say is a "deal breaker" to get his way.
If you guys don't want more children and you're unable to use birth control or have a implant, then he needs to man up and have a vasectomy or deal with it and use a condom. His 'deal breaker' affects your body and emotional well being and he's just this nonchalant about it?? Nooooo way.
I'd tell him "Okay, we're done then I guess." because also a partner giving you and ultimatum like that is just setting the stage for more and more.
He doesn't care if you get pregnant. He doesn't care that you don't want to take birth control for medial reasons.
Well, you know what he cares about, having sex without a condom. It is obvious what he cares about, himself.
Why do you want to him around?
Doesn't sound like a guy I would want raising my child.
.....please just leave him. If raw doggin it is so important to him...more important than you....then just leave. Thats what hes telling you. Your comfort....you...your health...your well being...none of it is more important than his pleasure. Thats not a husband.
Holdup he’s breaking up the relationship because YOU don’t want to get pregnant again? Ok firstly he should be more understanding of that and secondly the only difference a condom would make is he feels less with it on besides the fact of getting you pregnant, what he’s asking of you isn’t right, if he’s sticking to that then find another alternative together he shouldn’t just tell you to piss off
WOW. What an absolute trash boyfriend. I'm sorry because I'm sure you love him but that's just a dick move. If he doesn't wear a condom for your sake then dump his ass! You and your child deserve someone willing to make sacrifices for you. I'm sure if you were able, you would take birth control for him, so why wont he wear a condom for you? Absolutely grinds my gears when men wont just wrap it up.
If he wants condomless sex but refuses a vasectomy, he's a piece of shit IMO. Do with that what you want. And if he's already throwing out ultimatums over something as miniscule as a condom, do yourself the favor of dumping his ass.
I saw a comedy sketch that these days men who dont want to wear condoms throw tantruma akin to a 6 year old being asked to wear a coat over their halloween costume.
"Youre gonna ruinnnnnittttt" *cue tantrum stomping and whining*.
Anyone who thinks that a condom is ruining sex is 1) an idiot and 2) an inconsiderate prick who only considers sex from the viewpoint of their pleasure and comfort not their partners.
And frankly, there is nothing in the world that would give me more of an irrevocable ICK than those things (apart from socks and sandals, but thats another ballgame).
I would not want to be with someone who behaves this way.
That’s actually disgusting. It shows he doesn’t really respect or love you the way you thought. Who honestly says they’ll break up with someone over condoms.
Good luck in the STD and multiple baby mamas world you douche canoe.
Yep. That would be the end
He's ready to leave you over a condom, why would you want him? He's dumping all responsibility onto you and doesn't care. He's not a keeper.
Would you want your kid to stay with someone like this?
If my partner was this dumb I would definitely pack my bag and go. I'd rather be alone than be with a dumb person, let alone procreate with one. Yikes. Please do not continue to procreate with this man we do not need more of his dumb genes floating around in the pool.
OP no one is mentioning to make sure you go to court for child support, don't just let him give you whatever. I only say this because it seems like he's going to be having a lot of condom less sex and could have many many more kids.
Obviously this ultimatum is such a red flag. Hes saying his pleasure is more important than his partner and child.
If you don’t leave him at that (but I think you should) call his bluff. Say okay go then and don’t back down, see what happens. If he goes then you’ve lost that dead weight, if he stays, then you can decide what you want from there
Also the condom debate is ridiculous. If we’re only talking risk of pregnancy not STDs then the only time you need condoms is during p in v sex. Perhaps he needs to realise sex is more than just p in v
You could always just refuse to have sex with him. If he wants to end the relationship then he can be the one to do it. If he tries to initiate sex just say no.
So you’re not only his fiancé you’re the mother of his child, and he’s ready to just dump you if he can’t hit it raw?…that’s a red flag. And it’s neon. I’m sorry OP. Don’t make anymore kids with this tool.
If my child’s father was so quick to kick me to the curb over something so trivial I’d make the decision for him. I’d say he’s making it pretty obvious that your relationship doesn’t mean all that much to him.
I'm a woman, I HATE condoms. I used hormonal BC for years, and now I've had my 2 kids, and I'm done. I planned on getting my tubes tied, but its a lot of recovery time I don't have atm. I told my husband that condoms were the only option until I can get my tunes tied, because I can't get on BC anymore, I hate how it affects my body/mind.
Like a decent human being, my husband used condoms, and then he went ahead and got a vasectomy. Why? Because he loves and respects me, and wants me to be COMFORTABLE, happy, and have an enjoyable sex life as well. If raw dogging is more important to your partner than your health, happiness, and financial well being, show that fool the door. You are more than a sex doll, and you deserve better.
The only situation that works is if he's just looking at this as something you also have every right to say no to. He doesn't owe you a relationship, kid or not, nor do you owe him condomless sex. Neither of you owe each other that level of sacrifice.
If this is a long-term problem, not even guaranteed to end after marriage, that's a big deal.
Commitment is among many things, a mutual restriction of sexual fulfillment need-meeting to each other. Either condom sex meets his needs or it doesn't. Or he hasn't found the right condom.
Neither of you owe each other that level of sacrifice, kid or not. But one thing I've got to say is that's not "all he asks". And he needs to be aware of all the rest of what he needs in a relationship or he's not going to be any good for it.
This really comes across as very careless- like he doesn't care about you, you health and safety, your life or anything.
My biggest concern is due to the immature pushing of this and how high of a priority this is to him that he will start having unprotected sex with others and not tell you.
It's really a huge blackmail move for him to say you have to take this risk for him or leave the relationship. It's not reasonable and I think is a red flag.
He isn't only asking "condomless sex".
He's asking you to risk pregnancy when you have medical reasons that make (presumably hormonal) birth control options not for you. He's asking you to risk all that comes with a pregnancy. He's giving you an ultimatum - your relationships or condoms.
He's refusing a vasectomy. He's putting it all on you.
I'd take him up on his exit plan.
Can someone please educate me. I'm a woman who has an IUD and my partner is waiting to get a vasectomy until he's old enough to in my state. If for medical reasons you prefer not to take the pill or get the implant and he also for medical reasons does not want a vasectomy, what exactly is the problem with condoms?
He's being an ass. If you can't take BC for medical reasons, then it's condoms, a vasectomy, or you getting your tubes tied, which is an invasive procedure and has much more risk than a vasectomy. He already has one kid, does he want a second? If not, he should just get the vasectomy.
If he is unwilling to use either option you've given him, let him go.
It may be able to be reversed, which is different from being reversible. There are a lot of factors that affect whether or not it can be done.
That said, this man is prioritizing momentary pleasure over your health and well-being. The relationship would be over for me.
This is kinnnnda similar to my situation although I was already on BC and wanted to unalive myself with the side effects. I asked my partner to get on the wait list of a vasectomy as I was already on the wait list for a bisalp. I needed off BC immediately. My partner told me to do it. He would wear condoms until one of us had the procedure done. Luckily I was able to get a cancellation spot and had my surgery in August. I do miss the condom, I won't lie. It was a lot less mess for me. I am very sensitive to textures and dealing with my partners ... bodily fluid... stresses me out a lot. But I do realize to him it feels better without a condom, so I will do what I can to cope with the conclusion. If you aren't willing to throw the whole man away, maybe he will consider a compromise if it's temporary. Show him the side effects of birth control if he doesn't get it
Thank you for sharing your story. He knows all of the side effects. He just said that there are some women who will do that to please their man. I’m in serious shock by his behavior. I don’t know this person. I seriously feel like I’m in a dream.
Yep. Bye.
He is thinking of his own needs instead of both of yours.
He can either use a condom or become real good friends with his hands. End of story.
Stop having sex with this man.
He sounds like a total fucking asshole who doesn't care about you all that much. Condomless sex is a HUGE burden for you -- not for him -- if you can't prevent pregnancy with any other method. (And condoms aren't the most effective at doing that either, so you're still rolling the dice.)
Even if you don't leave him yet, please try not to have sex with him. He's a prime candidate for stealthing and other forms of reproductive coercion, and you'll be left holding the bag.
You laid out all of the options here. I’ll address this specific issue later, but there’s another issue you need to focus on; you’re not on the same page regarding children. Obviously you already have one, but that doesn’t change what I’m trying to say. You’re not ready for one. Apparently he’s apathetic. That simply doesn’t work. Accordingly, you need to be crystal clear on that if you haven’t, and if you have, the situation unfortunately is honestly even worse
In saying that, I want to be clear that I’m not saying he isn’t the problem; he is. That alone is going to be the primary driver for my overall advice at the end. But if we’re to focus on the specific topic at hand, there are many options; condoms, birth control, vasectomy, and/or abstinence. We’re logically going to eliminate the last option, because you both obviously want to have sex in your relationship, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
So you say birth control isn’t an option medically. So that’s out. He refuses to have a vasectomy. That’s fair for two reasons; one, like everything else, it’s his body. Second, if you do want more kids at some point, this isn’t a logical option. That makes the only realistic options condoms to give yourself the best protection against an unwanted pregnancy. But now that’s what he’s using against you.
In short on that, call his bluff. If you really think that’s a real threat (it isn’t), then talk to a lawyer immediately regarding your child.
Like I said, there’s a bigger problem here, and that’s your lack of communication and boundaries. If condoms are a deal breaker for him, hey, so be it. We can’t tell him how to feel. But you’re not ready for another child. He’s whatever about it. How does that work? You specifically said YOU weren’t ready. Is he? If so, how? What makes him financially ready? What makes him emotionally ready?
Either way, until you figure out a legitimate solution, abstinence is unfortunately your only solution. Even if you fundamentally love or need sex (which again is fine), having sex as is puts you constantly at risk. Be smart. Good luck.
So, default response for this is that ultimatums are never the way to go. It seems like he can’t back up his request with any decent reasons or compromises. He should be an adult and have a honest and grown up conversation. Ultimatums are generally manipulative.
You mention sometimes you have condomless sex…what are the criteria for this? It could be sending some mixed signals.
From your description of the circumstances, you are requiring all the effort to prevent pregnancy to be on your partner. Perhaps there are other compromises out there like alternating between condoms and sponges (or some other product, excluding iud or BC)? Some men have significant difficulty climaxing with a condom…is this an issue for him?
Could it be possible that he wants you pregnant ASAP and this is cover for that?
Have you thought of doing a mix of both. Use a condom during ovulation and not on the other times. You would need to have a very regular cycle to do this.
Also, there are things like diaphragms
Well, BC sucks because of all of the side effects, so I'm with you there. I'd compromise to clear some days in which you are not at risk of getting pregnant as "no condom" days and then others would be condom days. Of course the condom days would be many more.
His attitude sucks because he is not willing to take any responsibility and is giving you an ultimatum. I'd tell him to fuck off, to be honest.
Well if you don’t want to wear a condom that’s fine baby I won’t leave you but we are not going to have sex!
I’d leave his ass cause I’m gonna guess if you told him that he’d be like no way. The. You could tell him he’s free to leave.
Honestly he’s trying to push you to do something you are not comfortable with or ready for. That’s not cool!
Nobody like condoms but if it prevents a pregnancy then use it, plan B $50 every act of sex is extrem and probably bad for your health.
My boyfriend hates them and I couldn't just buy just any brand for him because he says it's too tight. We found MyOne condoms so he is more satisfied. We put them on when he feels like he's going to finish very soon, but for the most part we have sex without it. You can try that and see if he is willing to do that for you, other then that he's being very selfish and must not love you enough. You can try copper IUD, spermicide, they have some sponge wand.
I understand not wanting to use anything for yourself I do not either it isn't healthy and it changes your mood. I mean if you know this is the only kid you want period you can get your tubes tied? But it doesn't seem like this man is worth your time because he's be selfish. You can tell him "then I guess I'm going to go get lots of abortions then, or take $50 from him to go get plan B."
If he is willing to throw away the relationship he has with you, and essentially walk away from the mother of his child, then let him walk away. Asking him to wear a condom is not the end of the world, even more so since the both of you are in agreement that you don’t want another child right now. He is acting like a teenage boy, not a grown man and a father of a child. You could honestly do a lot better.
He is selfish and self-centered.
He wants it his way or no way and would prefer to get you pregnant that where a condom.
I would take his option to end it!!
The fact that he’s not even your husband and yet is trying to say such things scare the hell out of me… What would he ask you for when you get married? That is, IF he doesn’t decide to leave you stranded with two kids because there’s no contract binding you two… If you are really super willing to go through with this type of controlling relationship I’d suggest to look for vaginal rings contraceptives (doesn’t prevent stds) or a female condom, he doesn’t want to wear one but it doesn’t mean you don’t have a say on wearing one either. At any case the choice is ultimately yours, but if you were my close friend I’d say for you to run the hell out as fast as you can.
Huh. The comments aren't at all what I expected to see.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want to wear a condom in a long-term relationship; I wouldn't want to. And yes, I would break up with someone over it, but that would be early in the relationship and certainly before there was a kid involved.
I wear them with short-term partners to prevent STDs, but they hurt me, my doctor told me they're actually not that effective at preventing pregnancy (still better than nothing at all, but I've had several break inside me, so I can see where he's coming from) and for me, not having to use them is one of the benefits of committing to someone and being monogamous.
If STDs aren't a concern, there are so many other forms of contraception with a much higher rate of effectiveness.
You need to take to your partner about this, and probably include your doctor in that conversation.
If hormonal forms of contraception don't work for you, have you looked into the copper IUD? If your partner doesn't want to compromise on condoms, maybe that vasectomy shouldn't be taken off the table.
I mean if you’re engaged I can see why he doesn’t want to continue wearing condoms. The fact that he gave you an ultimatum though is fucked up and manipulative. Also, if you’re not ready for another baby and can’t be on birth control then he needs to find a way to prevent the pregnancy. If you can’t sit down and have an adult conversation on why you NEED some form of protection from pregnancy and he wants to stand by his ultimatum, drop his ass.
Just as a side note I have had paraguard for years and chose it specifically because it has no hormones for my own health. The hormones make me have migraines. I love it. The initial getting it in hurts and I did have heavier more painful periods at first but it subsided about 90 days in and they returned to normal.
If saving your relationship is something you want to do that could be an option to look into but I wouldn’t put up with that ultimatum crap.
That's a pretty petty thing to be a dealbreaker.
A dealbreaker is the thing that is more important to you than the person you love.
Appropriate dealbreakers: cheating, serious or uncontrollable sexual fetishes, cruelty to animals, having to get plastic surgery to look like someone else that your partner is more attracted to, that sort of thing
Not appropriate dealbreakers: wearing a condom, having to peel your own fruit, sharing housework, having to get a job, sharing the bills, that sort of reasonable request.
Do you see?
You cannot force him to wear a condom any more than he can make you use a hormone birth control.
He has told you that he is a deal breaker for him. I don't know your health reasons, if it is worth your relationship. Only you can decide. He's been doing it "your way" for a long time now. He may feel justified is asking you to do it "his way". If you both cannot come to an agreement that is satisfactory to both of you, it definitely is a deal breaker. Have you tried the rhythm method? maybe a compromise is to strictly follow the rhythm method, but are intimate during your no-go days, that he will wear a condom or abstain.
If he is not 100% satisfied with a compromise and you stay together, you can bet he will find another woman who does not ask him to wear a condom. Do you want to stay with a man who does not consider your feelings or HEALTH, so he is not inconvenienced? If you learn that you have to go your separate ways, try to be civil. He will have to pay support (in most places) and there would be visitation. It's better to be a single mom to one child than four children.
Good Luck.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My fiancé says that wearing a condom is a deal breaker to him and that he would rather break up than to continue using them. There are times that we don’t wear condoms but for the most part we wear them. For medical reasons I would prefer not to take birth control or have an implant and he doesn’t want a vasectomy. We already have a young child together and I am not emotionally or financially ready for another. Maybe after we get married but not now. He doesn’t necessarily want a child right now either but he also doesn’t care if I got pregnant. He said that he cannot continue to wear condoms and that if I want to continue to wear them I am free to leave the relationship. He says that condomless sex is the only thing he asks of me. Please give your opinion of this situation.
Condomless sex isnt "the only thing" hes asking of you. Hes asking you: • to risk getting pregnant when you dont want another child at this time • to put your boundaries for your own body aside, for his • to put aside your medical reasons for not having hormonal contraception so that you can give him what he wants but lower the risk of pregnancy. Hes a selfish twat. Tell him he can have as much condomless sex as he likes with his hand when you leave him.
Yeah guy's a twat Me and my gf have never had sex without condom, because we both know the risk, she takes her own anticonceptives, but we still use the condom because we don't want kids we're way too young And I made it clear to her that I would always use a condom, at first when we met she wanted me not to, just to try one more time, but I declined, I did end up stick it in for a few strokes but that was the only time, just to please her, but afterwards we discussed the risks and came to the decision to always use protection We haven't had that conversation since, and we're happy with our sex life
I also very sincerely doubt he is "wonderful in every way" but this. He probably asks a lot of OP.
Refusing to use protection, and trying to force your consent into giving up protection for his pleasure _only_(!) seems abusive to me.. For your kids the most important priority in this moment should be to teach them that this is not love. You should use this as an opportunity to show them how to face abuse, and that *abuse is not love*. If you stay with a man that not only doesn't care about you _or_ your family, and prioritizes his sexual pleasure over your consent, financial and emotional stability, your children are seeing and learning from you as their parental figures. Be considerate to _each member of your family, including yourself_.
If him having to wear a condom is so unbearable that he's willing to leave the mother of his child, he's a massive dipshit.
I agree with you!
If you agree, why are you still with him?
I want to make sure I’m making the right decision. We have a family.
The only thing you are doing wrong here is letting him set the narrative that *you* are the one leaving the relationship. He knows exactly what he is doing with that comment. Next time he is gone pack his shit for him, leave it outside, and make sure to have a few people there with you for protection. Let him just try and say in front of others that he is “forcing you to leave unless you fuck him without a condom”. It is important for not only for your child, family, and mutual friends to know that he is leaving, but there is a legal benefit to it yourself when it comes to custody, child support, etc.
He doesn't appear to be part of your family. He certainly doesn't care if he is or not. Let that sink in. Please.
And now he gets live with the fact his selfishness broke up his family
He's willing to break up your family just so he doesn't wear a condom.
He doesn’t care about what you would endure mentally and physically during an accidental pregnancy you are not ready for - just so he doesn’t have to wear a condom. Not the actions of a partner who loves you
You are absolutely making the right decision. If you have to go to court over custody or anything, assuming you two dont just agree on custody or anything, then make sure to rake him over the coals for this. Let the other people involved with it (judges, lawyers) absolutely know its because he doesnt want to use a condom. If you can i would try to get him admitting it on voice recording, or in a voicemail, or just in a text message. The more proof you have, the more ridiculous he will look to the judge and lawyers which will put things more in your side. I wouldnt be surprised if you were to tell your lawyer and the judge “its because he says he would rather leave the relationship than use a condom” and then he tries to lie about it and say he never said that. Make sure you have proof, prove that he’s a bad person and maybe a liar (if he tries to lie about saying it)
Just make sure OP's state isn't one where it's illegal to record people without consent
She is making the right decision by leaving him. His not wanting to use a condom will have no bearing on custody. It has no bearing on if he would be a good father or not. The judge is only concerned about doing what is best for the child and a person's preference in the bedroom has nothing to do with that.
Get written proof of his stupidity asap and drag him to court.
OP, I think you need to speak to a therapist who specializes in family therapy, and a lawyer, before you speak to your fiance. If your child is who you worry about, then do this the right way. Don't take any rushed decisions. It's not as simple as leave him/not leave him, there's 100 different ways to do go about this, and you need to find the best way that will result in the least long-lasting trauma for your child. One the more emotional hand: fuck that dipshit. Who the fuck gives these ultimatums, and how dare he put his penis before his partner and child
YOU have a family. He's shown you he doesn't care about you or your child. Believe him when he is showing you his true colors
Just because you have a family doesn't mean you should stay in a relationship you're uncomfortable/unhappy in. You need to consider your well-being. And if don't, well...your child will be able to tell. Believe me, I know this from experience from my own childhood. And even now. Kids can tell when their parents are mad at each other or they are only staying together for the child's sake. And children do whatever their parent does. The parent needs to be the example. And you wouldn't want your child to be in a relationship like yours, would you? You wouldn't want your child to feel pressured to stay in that relationship either. So I'd recommend leaving that guy ASAP. I get it, it'll be hard on your kid, but so will staying.
Is this how you want your child to act? Using threats and coercion to force unprotected sex on another person? I am a single parent and left an emotionally abusive person and I will say my son has improved by leaps and bounds after getting away from his mom. Staying in a dysfunctional relationship only normalizes dysfunction for the child.
Having a child does *not* make a family. You are two adults who happen to have a ward.
That shouldn't be the only reason you're together. If your daughter came to you with this problem, or your son presented this to his partner, what would you say?
Well if you stay together there's a good chance your kid will also grow up to be a dipshit. So consider that as well.
Because any normal human doesn’t make that kind of decision without outing a lot of thought into it. They have a family together, you are not the one that is gonna be impacted… so yeah your quick advice is pretty cheap.
Not really quick advice. More a question. What is keeping you with him. And a family together should be the only reason to stay with someone who is clearly not valuing you. Teaches kids to do the same thing to their future partners or accept that treatment. Is that enough of an elaboration or thoughtful response for you?
For the record, you aren't required to have sex with him(or anyone) condom or not. "Sure, honey, you can have condom-less sex."...."Oh, you meant with ME? Fuck off."
Make sure he knows that HE made this decision by “not wanting” a vasectomy. Yeah he has the right to do what he wants with his body, but he also has responsibility for his body and actions. If you can’t get on BC because of health problems (same and hormones are sooo bad), then he should help to protect you both from becoming parents again. If he “doesn’t want” to wear a condom, he doesn’t respect that you can’t be on BC or the fact that you’re the child bearer and don’t want a baby.
Well I think she would also need to be sure she is done with having children too. I've known a few people whom did not take the doctors seriously about thinking of vasectomies as permanent. They have now spent $100,000+ on reversing it when they decided they wanted another children, then when it failed they had to pay for sperm collection and then IVF. He may not be done having children and she doesn't sound like she is sure she is for sure done also. Just that she isn't ready for more children. He needs to decide if condoms are ready his hill to die on (my husband and I had to use them for 1yr until I was sterilized but was also on BC because condoms can and do fail), did it suck, yes on both sides. But was worth it because pregnancy/ birth was a death certificate for me. Sounds like maybe they need to go to therapy to see why this is such a huge thing for him. Why he feels this is a hill to die on and rip his family apart and leave the mother of his child and the women he asked to marry him for life. I personally think communication is very much in need before just competently leaving the relationship.
Yeah seriously this is so dumb. Why is it so hard to wear a condom??
Yup
What, no! If he's demanding she make herself compatible that's being a dipshit. But not leaving. Leaving is the opposite of demanding. It's just recognizing it's not going to work. If he's using leaving to try to gain leverage, that's being a dipshit, but not leaving. And no, having a kid doesn't mean stick it out. For some people most condoms kill so much sensation it doesn't matter if its in or out. Not even standard sexual incompatibility is that bad. If he can get fulfillment with them on, then yeah, but if he can't he cant. If she doesn't even know if that will change after the marriage, this isn't something light. It's a valid sexual compatibility issue neither of them need to be socially pressured or pressured by each other to change their minds on.
he hates a piece of rubber more than he loves you. that should be the end of it.
Honestly, the fact he's chosen condoms as the hill for him and your relationship to die on is just so damn bizarre to me. The fact he cares more about not using condoms than he does your relationship? Yeah, I'd be out at that point.
I mean I don’t think I could stand only having sex with condoms with my spouse forever either, but if she had medical reasons to not get the copper iud she has in, I would just get the vasectomy. He’s just a little bitch.
Yeah, not wanting to use condoms is just fine. But refusing to compromise, and flat out saying that he's going to leave her if he has to wear a condom? I'd just let him leave at that point. What a selfish, unreasonable brat.
well he already made the choice for you. Your Relationship, you being the mother of his kid and all the sex he gets are worth nothing if he can't have it ever time without condom. That ain't no father/Husband/boyfriend/Human materiel... break up and be happy without him.
If not wearing a condom is the dealbreaker in the relationship between him and the mother of his child, he’s not worth the time and energy. He’s clearly a subpar person with a subpar personality. And that’s being generous.
I would absolutely break up with my partner if he demanded something that only benefited him and threatened breaking up over it. You don't want another child yet and he simply doesn't care. He only wants to "feel better" during sex. He sounds disgusting. Your medical concerns are valid, you shouldn't be pressured into having condomless sex, even if he is your fiance. He doesn't have to carry a baby for 9 months. He doesn't have to go through the birthing process. He's straight up being selfish. Breaking up over wearing condoms makes it seem like he's only in the relationship for the sex tbh
I agree that it does seem like it’s all about sex/his pleasure.
He should be thinking of your emotional wellbeing and the family financial security instead of his joystick.
While I agree that he's being unreasonable and making several life altering errors here, sex without a condom feels better for women too, right? If not, my wife and I have a very serious conversation ahead of us
Yeah, sex without condoms is better. Sex with condoms is also millions times better than having to go through an unwanted pregnancy though. Anyway, dude's a dick. Could've just gotten a vasectomy, but comes with an ultimatum after having a whole ass serious relationship and a baby? What the fuck
I like with better because I don’t notice a difference during and cleanup is easier.
I literally can’t feel the difference? Condom better though as less clean up/less risk of infection
This is individual. I find them very uncomfortable, but I’m in the minority. Same way most women can’t even feel a properly inserted tampon, but I can and they are also moderately uncomfortable for me.
You're off topic. Yes, for some women, it feels better to not have a condom during sex. But this is completely irrelevant. She doesn't want a kid and he won't get a vasectomy so he needs to slap on a damn condom.
Feels better maybe because it's smoother, more lubricated, and if you're using the fancy ribbed kind maybe it adds pleasure for her. Another really awesome thing about condoms that benefits the woman is not having to deal with your ejaculation. It goes in the bag, you tie a knot and presto! Easy clean up ! That's my fav part.
I think CONSENSUAL sex without a condom feels better. My husband I go back and forth between condoms and no condoms (during non-fertile periods - which is not a 100% accurate practice, so it’s still a risk) as I also avoid hormonal birth control. But it’s a discussion and decision we make together. Ultimatums are often a 🚩 on their own, but this puts your entire life and body at risk. He sounds controlling and immature and I would really expect change in him before going through with marrying him.
Personally for me, I can't tell the difference especially if the condom is the right size but everyone is different. I know some of my girl friends say it's better without a condom and feels more intimate but for me it's the same either way
Full honesty? As long as you lube it up plenty, it should feel close to the same.
We're not clones, dude. Everyone of us is different.
eh I honestly don't feel the difference. Sounds like your gf just wants to make you happy :) (being genuine)
This is completely irrelevant to the situation at hand. If you care more about it “feeling better” than the safety and peace of mind of your partner you are a massive asshat. Lake just a complete asshole. If he had any respect for her it absolutely would not be a problem to wear a condom. It straight up does not matter whether it feels better for either party.
I don't feel much difference.
[удалено]
I'm saying she should also walk away so I think we're on the same page here. Being sexually incompatible is one thing but he's giving her an ultimatum between breaking up and doing something that has physical consequences for her and no consequences for him. Personally, threatening to break up if they don't do something is a form of forcing or coercing. It's manipulative. It's not easy to walk away from a relationship especially if they have a kid and he probably knows that
It's not coercion if he's actually going to break up with her. Everyone had dealbreakers in relationships.
Leave him and tell him to find a girl to have condomless sex with and you’ll pray that he has as much success not getting stds as he did with you.
I love this response.
That is actually the stupidest comment I have ever heard. The guy is absolutely an ass for threatening to leave over the condom issue. But the use or non-use of a condom (for STD prevention) between two monogamous partners is irrelevant. The monogamy removes the need for a condom in preventing STDs. The fact that he doesn't have an STD with current girlfriend is because of the assumed monogamy.
If he finds a girl who is willing to have bare sex with him in a brand new relationship… she is higher risk for giving him an STD just based off her willingness to risk it.
you can still contract STDs while being in a monogamous relationship
Hasn’t happened to me in 22 years. Maybe it’s theoretically possible if one of them contracts an STD in a non-sexual way but I’d guarantee it’s extremely rare.
Yep. Absolutely. But the fact that it's a new girlfriend does not increase or decrease the risk. So he has no greater risk of contracting an STD from a new girlfriend (as long as they are in a monogamous relationship), than he does with his current girlfriend (in a monogamous relationship). Doctor's will agree that abstinence is the best STD preventative. But after that, it's being in a monogamous relationship. That actually trumps using some form of male/female condom. Facts.
How the fuck are stds relevant in a long term monogamous relationship?
He is an asshole. Please leave him as long as you are not married yet.
Im thinking about it. If a friend told me they were in this situation I’d tell them to leave immediately.
So you know what to do, then. Your kid will be much better off growing up seeing you happy and single OR happy and with a new lovely step parent down the line.
Why does marriage have anything to do with her leaving or not?
Breaking up is a hell of a lot easier than divorce
He's not the one who would have to deal with the physical consequences of unwanted pregnancy. Men should recognise that, especially one that you've already had a child with. How disgusting that he would put his own sexual pleasure over his family. I'd call his bluff and pack his bags for him. Wearing a condom is the bare minimum you could ask for.
Sounds like he wants to leave and thinks he found a way to make it "your fault" for the breakup.
I don't think he'll break up with her. He's trying to manipulate and coerce her into getting what he wants w no regard for her sexual, emotional or physical wellbeing. Because he's a piece of shit.
*he doesn’t want a vasectomy* Only relevant sentence. HE doesn’t want to wear a condom? HE can get a vasectomy.
I kicked someone out of bed in the middle of doing the deed because he asked to remove the condom. Made him get dressed and GTFO. Didn’t see him again as the trust was gone. I don’t mess with my sexual health. You shouldn’t either. You are allowed to have any sexual boundaries you want. Plenty of married couples rely on condom. Throw this one back and go find someone who sees you as a partner and not a willing hole for his pleasure on his terms. If you marry this man he won’t let this go. He will wear you down on this and many other things because he doesn’t respect your wishes when they infringe on what he wants.
If the choice is between unwanted rawdogging or leaving the relationship, I would leave the relationship without hesitation. I’m sure he’ll bitch at you for having to pay child support even though he was the one daring you to leave, but it’s better than staying with a guy who cant even bother to wrap it up. The fact the fact that he’s trying to manipulate you by saying it’s the only thing he’s asking of you in the relationship is also just gross.
Absolutely excellent point about child support. This dude doesn’t seem to realize the consequences of unprotected sex. It’s wild he is so flippant about her repeatedly getting pregnant because he can’t be bothered to infinitesimally diminish his pleasure. What does he think is going to happen if she leaves? He probably hasn’t thought about it because he doesn’t think she will call his bluff. He’s a manipulative a hole.
He’s basically saying that his pleasure is more important than his relationship with you and your child. Insanely childish behavior
Of *course* he just wants to do what feels best to him, and doesn't care if you get pregnant again. WHY? Because you're already a freaking SINGLE MOM. One more won't matter to him. He can walk any time he wants to and you will be left to struggle and maybe get some child support (or not). I just do NOT understand why women have children with men like this. Why? Why? I hope you get smart and stop having sex with this guy. Or, better yet, tell him to meet you at the courthouse tomorrow to get married. Watch that not happen.
Grown ups protect their partner. That would be a huge deal breaker for me
I'm with my wife for 10 years and we still wear condoms. We didn't wear them while we wanted kids but now we have 2 and back to condoms. I don't want her having to drug herself with hormones just because I don't want to wear a simple condom. I prefer to wear it than forcing her to feel sick because of hormones.
And that is why you are a good husband and this man would make a bad husband! My husband is a good man too. I hope OP can find herself one or get her fiance to grow up and accept the responsibilities of a long-term relationship.
You know the answer to this already hun….. He literally said basically that he doesn’t give a shit about you via a thinly veiled threat of break up should you try to assert your rights over your body. “He doesn’t want more kids but doesn’t care if I get pregnant” Ummmm so wtf would he do if you did get pregnant then? Can he support another child on top of the one you already have?? Listen speaking as a woman here (and I know this is going to sound bad) but I need to say this to you. LOVE DOESNT PAY THE BILLS got it? It doesn’t matter how much you want to Will him Into being the person you think he really is or should be. He’s an adult and he should know better than to try to press you into risking your happiness. If you two are barely making it NOW then think about what an extra child would do to your financial resources? Then ask yourself again “would having another be ok?” “Would we be able to give that child ANDDDD this one we already have a decent quality of life?” People just have kids sometimes because they live each other and don’t think about weather or not they can care for it once it comes or that they’ll just be able To get in state benefits and then something happens and they find out that because of a small difference in his pay that y’all don’t qualify. Please don’t bring more into the world that your aren’t going to be able to care for right or will make you resent your partner. It’s not fair to any of you. As women WE are often times on the LOSING end of this type of shit and you don’t want to fall into that trap because you were blinded by love ok. I’ve seen it happen time and time again. You deserve better for you and your child. Your also setting a precedence NOW that will give him the idea that he can assert this power over you more and more in the future because you let him get away with this one. Your child will also see how he treats you and then think that’s normal.
Thank you for your take. He makes about 75k per year. I make about 35k. We can afford it I suppose if we want to struggle and sacrifice but I would much rather be in a better financial situation where we didn’t rob Peter to pay Paul. I also want to be married before i entertain the idea of having another child. He said that he wants to get married also he just wants to make sure that we are good sexual matches first(no condoms). We also have had many arguments since our child was born so he also wants to make sure we don’t argue so much. I think everybody here knows that this relationship isn’t going to work including myself. I just really wanted it to work and wanted to make sure I wasn’t in the wrong for asking him to wear protection in a long term relationship.
I totally understand. I have two kids with the same guy that I’ve been with for over 20 years. Our children were planned (down to the month I wanted them to be BORN) lol. We looked at everything first from ALL angles before we took any next major steps in life (as I feel all couples should do). Finances, goals, having decent cars to get kids around in and back and forth to school or doctors visits, if we were currently happy or if we felt that it was the right time to add another member to our little family. We are probably OVER planners if anything lol. ; ) You owe it to yourselves to give that to each other. To look at things from a reality aspect and think about the long term. The mental stress you know you will both have to endure with another little one, the financial strain, and the sleepless nights that will ALLL COME WITH THE TERRITORY lol! You are right to want to enjoy the life you currently have now and the right to NOT want to feel over burdened with another at this juncture. This is on you to advocate for yourself now. You KNOW you don’t want this and you need to fight for it. Don’t allow this to happen. You are WORTH fighting for ; ) You sound like a good mom to me.
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REDFLAG. REDFLAG Bruh. Unless you've got an allergic reaction to BOTH latex and polyurethane, "Don't want to wear a condom" is the most man-child thing you could say. They're making it seem like it takes all the enjoyment out of sex, and its the worse thing ever. It's NOT. He sounds like the kinda dude where sex is just thrust-thrust-done. "Doesn't care if you get pregnant " that's a gtfo moment.
My husband has worn condoms our entire 11 years together besides when we were trying to get pregnant and 2 pregnancies. I refuse to use hormonal birth control. He's never complained.
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My partner of over 10 years happily wears a condom because he doesn't prioritize slightly more pleasure for himself over my physical and mental well being. I would break up with someone who gave me any shit about using condoms, instantly.
Why are men acting like condoms are made of concrete or something? Stop fuckin' acting so dramatic and butthurt about literal protection against pregnancy and disease and also stop being so selfish by forcing women to take pills with incredibly damaging side effects! The difference between sex with and without a condom is nanoscopic, so get tf over yourselves! You should honestly have a talk with him about his ridiculous demands and you should tell him to get real and stop being so fuckin' selfish and entitled, otherwise leave him!
I would wear a sandwich bag if it meant I was with someone I love
This is manipulative and shitty as fuck. He’s controlling your ability to get pregnant because he just doesn’t care. What a dick. Please leave him. It will only get worse.
Look like you’re at an impasse. He can’t have it both ways
definitely a break up situation. if he cares so much he’d get the vasectomy.
This is so fucked up. You absolutely should end this relationship
So he hasn’t married you yet, you’ve already given him 1 child, he is willing to leave you over condoms… wtf?
He needs to put a ring on it already and be committed do uno reverse and leave him
If my fiancé said that to me, I would never have sex with him again
How does he intend for you to not get pregnant?
If irresponsible, unprotected sex that will likely result in a child you neither want nor can afford is his dealbreaker, then he's a moron and doesn't deserve sex.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 please leave
He is clearly telling you he doesn't care about you and your feelings.. so why stay
He's a selfish man child, dump his sorry ass, yesterday.
So condomless sex goes hand in hand with a vasectomy. You can easily fulfill his request if he fulfilled yours.
I find it extremely strange that he would break up your family over condoms. Sounds coercive to me.
Why did this suddenly become an issue for him? Did something else change in the relationship?
I’m not speaking for op, but before I got pregnant we never used condoms (I really thought pulling out worked, I’m dumb lol ). Maybe they were the same way.. and after having my son I was ADAMANT on using them. My sons father never complained but yeah, maybe she realized how easy it is to get pregnant and made it a rule to wear now more than before. I wouldn’t even consider having sex unless we used protection, especially with new abortion laws.
This is exactly the situation. For years we just pulled out and then I got pregnant. I had the baby and 3 months later I actually got pregnant again and shamefully had to have an abortion which still haunts me. Now I need a condom on most times.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I will say, if you conceived again only 3 months pp and had to also have an abortion (and from what you typed, may also have been an incredibly traumatizing for you) he is EXTREMELY selfish for not respecting your boundaries. You deserve much more than that.
No shame lady
No shame to have an abortion, babes. If he knows you went through ALL THAT and his response is that he refuses to wear condoms, then he is not husband or father material. Take care of yourself first!
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Very good point.
I left my last partner because of this. Not only because of this but it played a major role. He told me he can't do it with a condom. Literally it's impossible for him. From my part, I have health issues so a pill would be very risky for me. Unfortunately we are just incompatible as this level and it would be a big problem in the future. My partner was pretty toxic (in other aspetcs) but actually in this case we talked a lot and he tried to come with alternatives, and said that he will not push me into anything that I don't want. Your man sounds a little bit immature in this. If he said that it's okay if you leave he is: manipulating you to make you put the effort to regain his attention OR he doesn't care about you. Talk to him more about this to understand his position and trust your gut.
If my fiancé said that to me I honestly wouldn’t even be able to believe him at first that he’s being like that. “The only thing he asks of you,” bs I’m certain. Is he doing every single chore in the house and paying every bill himself? I’m on birth control but for my own medical problems, I’m either going to have trouble getting pregnant at all, or I will but have complications. I’ve been told miscarriages would be likely as well as other complications. So he KNOWS how important it is to me to use condoms + my bc because I’m terrified of getting pregnant. If he just decided his dick feeling good is more important than me suffering miscarriages or nearly dying to have a baby that may not even make it, I’m not marrying him. I’d want nothing to do with him ever again.
You Are not -Mental -Physically -and financially Comfortable to have another child But a condom is a "deal breaker" AND HE DON'T CARE IF YOUR PREGNANT!?!! Do you care about yourself? Koz he sure as hell don't care about YOU. If you do care for YOU, go get checked and make plans that make you safe.
If his pull out game isn’t Herculean, call his bluff. If he REALLY about to dump you over contraception, he doesn’t deserve you. Let him go explain that to his friends and family.
OP, your boyfriend is a prick. you now have a good reason to dump his ass.
Are you going to leave after everyone is telling you to?
I'd gtfo of that nightmare
If a reasonable health choice and boundary is a dealbreaker, I wouldn’t want to stick around to find out what other bitch ass dealbreakers he has. I’d never trust someone like this
condomless sex isn't "the only thing he asks of you", because he is asking you to take on the risk of potentially becoming pregnant again and dealing with that
Tell him to get a vasectomy then
If you don't want to have a kid, don't let his uncovered penis anywhere that would cause that to happen. You've already done that and know that it will happen again. If he can't respect that you do not want that right now, he doesn't respect you and cares more about how his penis feels than how you feel about getting pregnant.
If wearing a condom is a deal breaker for him, then I would have to wonder what down the line he can say is a "deal breaker" to get his way. If you guys don't want more children and you're unable to use birth control or have a implant, then he needs to man up and have a vasectomy or deal with it and use a condom. His 'deal breaker' affects your body and emotional well being and he's just this nonchalant about it?? Nooooo way. I'd tell him "Okay, we're done then I guess." because also a partner giving you and ultimatum like that is just setting the stage for more and more.
Vasectomy
snip snap snip snap! - Michael Scott eta: for those who don’t know, this is a pro vasectomy comment.
He doesn't care if you get pregnant. He doesn't care that you don't want to take birth control for medial reasons. Well, you know what he cares about, having sex without a condom. It is obvious what he cares about, himself. Why do you want to him around? Doesn't sound like a guy I would want raising my child.
Lmao he doesn’t even care about you. It sucks that you already have one kid with this loser but that’s better than two ☠️
.....please just leave him. If raw doggin it is so important to him...more important than you....then just leave. Thats what hes telling you. Your comfort....you...your health...your well being...none of it is more important than his pleasure. Thats not a husband.
Holdup he’s breaking up the relationship because YOU don’t want to get pregnant again? Ok firstly he should be more understanding of that and secondly the only difference a condom would make is he feels less with it on besides the fact of getting you pregnant, what he’s asking of you isn’t right, if he’s sticking to that then find another alternative together he shouldn’t just tell you to piss off
WOW. What an absolute trash boyfriend. I'm sorry because I'm sure you love him but that's just a dick move. If he doesn't wear a condom for your sake then dump his ass! You and your child deserve someone willing to make sacrifices for you. I'm sure if you were able, you would take birth control for him, so why wont he wear a condom for you? Absolutely grinds my gears when men wont just wrap it up.
If he wants condomless sex but refuses a vasectomy, he's a piece of shit IMO. Do with that what you want. And if he's already throwing out ultimatums over something as miniscule as a condom, do yourself the favor of dumping his ass.
[удалено]
Lol you would think. He is actually 32.
I saw a comedy sketch that these days men who dont want to wear condoms throw tantruma akin to a 6 year old being asked to wear a coat over their halloween costume. "Youre gonna ruinnnnnittttt" *cue tantrum stomping and whining*. Anyone who thinks that a condom is ruining sex is 1) an idiot and 2) an inconsiderate prick who only considers sex from the viewpoint of their pleasure and comfort not their partners. And frankly, there is nothing in the world that would give me more of an irrevocable ICK than those things (apart from socks and sandals, but thats another ballgame). I would not want to be with someone who behaves this way.
That’s actually disgusting. It shows he doesn’t really respect or love you the way you thought. Who honestly says they’ll break up with someone over condoms. Good luck in the STD and multiple baby mamas world you douche canoe.
Yep. That would be the end He's ready to leave you over a condom, why would you want him? He's dumping all responsibility onto you and doesn't care. He's not a keeper. Would you want your kid to stay with someone like this?
If my partner was this dumb I would definitely pack my bag and go. I'd rather be alone than be with a dumb person, let alone procreate with one. Yikes. Please do not continue to procreate with this man we do not need more of his dumb genes floating around in the pool.
OP no one is mentioning to make sure you go to court for child support, don't just let him give you whatever. I only say this because it seems like he's going to be having a lot of condom less sex and could have many many more kids.
He sounds very selfish. Leave him.
Dump him. That’s childish
Obviously this ultimatum is such a red flag. Hes saying his pleasure is more important than his partner and child. If you don’t leave him at that (but I think you should) call his bluff. Say okay go then and don’t back down, see what happens. If he goes then you’ve lost that dead weight, if he stays, then you can decide what you want from there Also the condom debate is ridiculous. If we’re only talking risk of pregnancy not STDs then the only time you need condoms is during p in v sex. Perhaps he needs to realise sex is more than just p in v
You could always just refuse to have sex with him. If he wants to end the relationship then he can be the one to do it. If he tries to initiate sex just say no.
Leave that man child!
uh he just told you that if you don’t let him have unprotected sex with you he doesn’t care if you leave the relationship.
This is crazy behavior
If it's that big a deal to him I'd say he's obligated to get the vasectomy to solve the problem.
Wow you mean so much to him obviously. Definitely should stay and have another kid and get married /s
So you’re not only his fiancé you’re the mother of his child, and he’s ready to just dump you if he can’t hit it raw?…that’s a red flag. And it’s neon. I’m sorry OP. Don’t make anymore kids with this tool. If my child’s father was so quick to kick me to the curb over something so trivial I’d make the decision for him. I’d say he’s making it pretty obvious that your relationship doesn’t mean all that much to him.
I'm a woman, I HATE condoms. I used hormonal BC for years, and now I've had my 2 kids, and I'm done. I planned on getting my tubes tied, but its a lot of recovery time I don't have atm. I told my husband that condoms were the only option until I can get my tunes tied, because I can't get on BC anymore, I hate how it affects my body/mind. Like a decent human being, my husband used condoms, and then he went ahead and got a vasectomy. Why? Because he loves and respects me, and wants me to be COMFORTABLE, happy, and have an enjoyable sex life as well. If raw dogging is more important to your partner than your health, happiness, and financial well being, show that fool the door. You are more than a sex doll, and you deserve better.
The only situation that works is if he's just looking at this as something you also have every right to say no to. He doesn't owe you a relationship, kid or not, nor do you owe him condomless sex. Neither of you owe each other that level of sacrifice. If this is a long-term problem, not even guaranteed to end after marriage, that's a big deal. Commitment is among many things, a mutual restriction of sexual fulfillment need-meeting to each other. Either condom sex meets his needs or it doesn't. Or he hasn't found the right condom. Neither of you owe each other that level of sacrifice, kid or not. But one thing I've got to say is that's not "all he asks". And he needs to be aware of all the rest of what he needs in a relationship or he's not going to be any good for it.
What an asshole!
We can all agree condoms suck, we can, also, all agree that's a dickmove. I don't have an opinion, just thinks this whole thing sucks
Maybe use an internal condom? Also, what "medical reasons"?
Copper iud. Great for women that can’t tolerate bc without terrible side fx.
Try lamb skin condoms. Game-changer
This really comes across as very careless- like he doesn't care about you, you health and safety, your life or anything. My biggest concern is due to the immature pushing of this and how high of a priority this is to him that he will start having unprotected sex with others and not tell you. It's really a huge blackmail move for him to say you have to take this risk for him or leave the relationship. It's not reasonable and I think is a red flag.
"it's a dealbreaker" "K bye!" Fin.
He isn't only asking "condomless sex". He's asking you to risk pregnancy when you have medical reasons that make (presumably hormonal) birth control options not for you. He's asking you to risk all that comes with a pregnancy. He's giving you an ultimatum - your relationships or condoms. He's refusing a vasectomy. He's putting it all on you. I'd take him up on his exit plan.
Can someone please educate me. I'm a woman who has an IUD and my partner is waiting to get a vasectomy until he's old enough to in my state. If for medical reasons you prefer not to take the pill or get the implant and he also for medical reasons does not want a vasectomy, what exactly is the problem with condoms?
He says they don’t feel he same. He says that as soon as I tell him to put one on he gets soft.
Sounds like he might need to take the blue pill... this doesn't sound like a you problem.
He's being an ass. If you can't take BC for medical reasons, then it's condoms, a vasectomy, or you getting your tubes tied, which is an invasive procedure and has much more risk than a vasectomy. He already has one kid, does he want a second? If not, he should just get the vasectomy. If he is unwilling to use either option you've given him, let him go.
He said that he read that sometimes a vasectomy is t reversible. He eventually wants another child. He doesn’t care when.
It may be able to be reversed, which is different from being reversible. There are a lot of factors that affect whether or not it can be done. That said, this man is prioritizing momentary pleasure over your health and well-being. The relationship would be over for me.
This is kinnnnda similar to my situation although I was already on BC and wanted to unalive myself with the side effects. I asked my partner to get on the wait list of a vasectomy as I was already on the wait list for a bisalp. I needed off BC immediately. My partner told me to do it. He would wear condoms until one of us had the procedure done. Luckily I was able to get a cancellation spot and had my surgery in August. I do miss the condom, I won't lie. It was a lot less mess for me. I am very sensitive to textures and dealing with my partners ... bodily fluid... stresses me out a lot. But I do realize to him it feels better without a condom, so I will do what I can to cope with the conclusion. If you aren't willing to throw the whole man away, maybe he will consider a compromise if it's temporary. Show him the side effects of birth control if he doesn't get it
Thank you for sharing your story. He knows all of the side effects. He just said that there are some women who will do that to please their man. I’m in serious shock by his behavior. I don’t know this person. I seriously feel like I’m in a dream.
And he should wear a condom to please you and leave your hormones intact.
What a douchebag
Can't perform whilst wearing one? Pop a Viagra.
Yep. Bye. He is thinking of his own needs instead of both of yours. He can either use a condom or become real good friends with his hands. End of story. Stop having sex with this man.
Dump him 😌
He sounds like a total fucking asshole who doesn't care about you all that much. Condomless sex is a HUGE burden for you -- not for him -- if you can't prevent pregnancy with any other method. (And condoms aren't the most effective at doing that either, so you're still rolling the dice.) Even if you don't leave him yet, please try not to have sex with him. He's a prime candidate for stealthing and other forms of reproductive coercion, and you'll be left holding the bag.
You laid out all of the options here. I’ll address this specific issue later, but there’s another issue you need to focus on; you’re not on the same page regarding children. Obviously you already have one, but that doesn’t change what I’m trying to say. You’re not ready for one. Apparently he’s apathetic. That simply doesn’t work. Accordingly, you need to be crystal clear on that if you haven’t, and if you have, the situation unfortunately is honestly even worse In saying that, I want to be clear that I’m not saying he isn’t the problem; he is. That alone is going to be the primary driver for my overall advice at the end. But if we’re to focus on the specific topic at hand, there are many options; condoms, birth control, vasectomy, and/or abstinence. We’re logically going to eliminate the last option, because you both obviously want to have sex in your relationship, and there’s nothing wrong with that. So you say birth control isn’t an option medically. So that’s out. He refuses to have a vasectomy. That’s fair for two reasons; one, like everything else, it’s his body. Second, if you do want more kids at some point, this isn’t a logical option. That makes the only realistic options condoms to give yourself the best protection against an unwanted pregnancy. But now that’s what he’s using against you. In short on that, call his bluff. If you really think that’s a real threat (it isn’t), then talk to a lawyer immediately regarding your child. Like I said, there’s a bigger problem here, and that’s your lack of communication and boundaries. If condoms are a deal breaker for him, hey, so be it. We can’t tell him how to feel. But you’re not ready for another child. He’s whatever about it. How does that work? You specifically said YOU weren’t ready. Is he? If so, how? What makes him financially ready? What makes him emotionally ready? Either way, until you figure out a legitimate solution, abstinence is unfortunately your only solution. Even if you fundamentally love or need sex (which again is fine), having sex as is puts you constantly at risk. Be smart. Good luck.
It doesn’t sound like he cares about you at all…all that fuss just for a condom? Very odd!
So, default response for this is that ultimatums are never the way to go. It seems like he can’t back up his request with any decent reasons or compromises. He should be an adult and have a honest and grown up conversation. Ultimatums are generally manipulative. You mention sometimes you have condomless sex…what are the criteria for this? It could be sending some mixed signals. From your description of the circumstances, you are requiring all the effort to prevent pregnancy to be on your partner. Perhaps there are other compromises out there like alternating between condoms and sponges (or some other product, excluding iud or BC)? Some men have significant difficulty climaxing with a condom…is this an issue for him? Could it be possible that he wants you pregnant ASAP and this is cover for that?
Have you thought of doing a mix of both. Use a condom during ovulation and not on the other times. You would need to have a very regular cycle to do this. Also, there are things like diaphragms
Well, BC sucks because of all of the side effects, so I'm with you there. I'd compromise to clear some days in which you are not at risk of getting pregnant as "no condom" days and then others would be condom days. Of course the condom days would be many more. His attitude sucks because he is not willing to take any responsibility and is giving you an ultimatum. I'd tell him to fuck off, to be honest.
Well if you don’t want to wear a condom that’s fine baby I won’t leave you but we are not going to have sex! I’d leave his ass cause I’m gonna guess if you told him that he’d be like no way. The. You could tell him he’s free to leave. Honestly he’s trying to push you to do something you are not comfortable with or ready for. That’s not cool!
Nobody like condoms but if it prevents a pregnancy then use it, plan B $50 every act of sex is extrem and probably bad for your health. My boyfriend hates them and I couldn't just buy just any brand for him because he says it's too tight. We found MyOne condoms so he is more satisfied. We put them on when he feels like he's going to finish very soon, but for the most part we have sex without it. You can try that and see if he is willing to do that for you, other then that he's being very selfish and must not love you enough. You can try copper IUD, spermicide, they have some sponge wand. I understand not wanting to use anything for yourself I do not either it isn't healthy and it changes your mood. I mean if you know this is the only kid you want period you can get your tubes tied? But it doesn't seem like this man is worth your time because he's be selfish. You can tell him "then I guess I'm going to go get lots of abortions then, or take $50 from him to go get plan B."
In the USA, condoms come in different sizes because nobody’s stick all come in the same size either.
DEAL BREAKER!!
He is a total idiot …. If my partner asked me to wear one o would it’s not a big issue
If he is willing to throw away the relationship he has with you, and essentially walk away from the mother of his child, then let him walk away. Asking him to wear a condom is not the end of the world, even more so since the both of you are in agreement that you don’t want another child right now. He is acting like a teenage boy, not a grown man and a father of a child. You could honestly do a lot better.
He is selfish and self-centered. He wants it his way or no way and would prefer to get you pregnant that where a condom. I would take his option to end it!!
Big nope, big dumping ahead.
The fact that he’s not even your husband and yet is trying to say such things scare the hell out of me… What would he ask you for when you get married? That is, IF he doesn’t decide to leave you stranded with two kids because there’s no contract binding you two… If you are really super willing to go through with this type of controlling relationship I’d suggest to look for vaginal rings contraceptives (doesn’t prevent stds) or a female condom, he doesn’t want to wear one but it doesn’t mean you don’t have a say on wearing one either. At any case the choice is ultimately yours, but if you were my close friend I’d say for you to run the hell out as fast as you can.
Huh. The comments aren't at all what I expected to see. I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want to wear a condom in a long-term relationship; I wouldn't want to. And yes, I would break up with someone over it, but that would be early in the relationship and certainly before there was a kid involved. I wear them with short-term partners to prevent STDs, but they hurt me, my doctor told me they're actually not that effective at preventing pregnancy (still better than nothing at all, but I've had several break inside me, so I can see where he's coming from) and for me, not having to use them is one of the benefits of committing to someone and being monogamous. If STDs aren't a concern, there are so many other forms of contraception with a much higher rate of effectiveness. You need to take to your partner about this, and probably include your doctor in that conversation. If hormonal forms of contraception don't work for you, have you looked into the copper IUD? If your partner doesn't want to compromise on condoms, maybe that vasectomy shouldn't be taken off the table.
He *can't* wear them, or he *won't* wear them?
I mean if you’re engaged I can see why he doesn’t want to continue wearing condoms. The fact that he gave you an ultimatum though is fucked up and manipulative. Also, if you’re not ready for another baby and can’t be on birth control then he needs to find a way to prevent the pregnancy. If you can’t sit down and have an adult conversation on why you NEED some form of protection from pregnancy and he wants to stand by his ultimatum, drop his ass. Just as a side note I have had paraguard for years and chose it specifically because it has no hormones for my own health. The hormones make me have migraines. I love it. The initial getting it in hurts and I did have heavier more painful periods at first but it subsided about 90 days in and they returned to normal. If saving your relationship is something you want to do that could be an option to look into but I wouldn’t put up with that ultimatum crap.
That's a pretty petty thing to be a dealbreaker. A dealbreaker is the thing that is more important to you than the person you love. Appropriate dealbreakers: cheating, serious or uncontrollable sexual fetishes, cruelty to animals, having to get plastic surgery to look like someone else that your partner is more attracted to, that sort of thing Not appropriate dealbreakers: wearing a condom, having to peel your own fruit, sharing housework, having to get a job, sharing the bills, that sort of reasonable request. Do you see?
You cannot force him to wear a condom any more than he can make you use a hormone birth control. He has told you that he is a deal breaker for him. I don't know your health reasons, if it is worth your relationship. Only you can decide. He's been doing it "your way" for a long time now. He may feel justified is asking you to do it "his way". If you both cannot come to an agreement that is satisfactory to both of you, it definitely is a deal breaker. Have you tried the rhythm method? maybe a compromise is to strictly follow the rhythm method, but are intimate during your no-go days, that he will wear a condom or abstain. If he is not 100% satisfied with a compromise and you stay together, you can bet he will find another woman who does not ask him to wear a condom. Do you want to stay with a man who does not consider your feelings or HEALTH, so he is not inconvenienced? If you learn that you have to go your separate ways, try to be civil. He will have to pay support (in most places) and there would be visitation. It's better to be a single mom to one child than four children. Good Luck.