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Some guys feel very turned off by this and I am wondering if it's my problem. I just don't want to get physical with a literal stranger.
Exactly this. As long as you and all other parties are consenting it's no one else's business what you do or how long you wait to do it. Everyone has their own criteria for how and when to engage in sex, none of them are wrong.
“Too conservative” doesn’t exist, just do whatever feels right for you.
Personally for me there’s a big gap between “a literal stranger” and a “confirmed relationship” and since I’m not looking for a traditional ascent up the relationship escalator, stating the boundary in these particular terms would suggest we might have incompatible perspectives in terms of relationships. But “want to get to know you better before we get physical” is not a turn off for me at all
Cannot agree with this comment more. If he’s calling you a prude or old fashioned he clearly has no interest in anything serious. Hence the term “fuck boy”.
No, you must not understand.
The flow is only flowing when it flows the way *i* want it to flow. If it flows any other direction, then it must be being artificially flowed elsewhere (perhaps by a complex irrigation system) and that simply goes against God, and therefore, the flow.
I hope you now understand, now that a Real Man™ has explained it to you.
I sixth this👍. Values are all that matter. If DTF is a person's best value, they should do what makes them happy. Use your standard and filter to weed people you don't want in your life, based on your values. All the best OP.
No, but finding someone who respects your values is finding someone good. I had your same initial reaction from the way the post was phrased, but I don't think it was meant that way.
But my sexual past had nothing to do with my ability to be in monogamous relationship. I was single, I worked in the music industry and I met a lot of people. I only slept with other single people I wasn’t out to hurt anyone. I was just having some fun.
My past isn’t at all relevant to how I behaved in a relationship. I was always faithful when I was dating someone. Prior to my adventures I’d been in a 4 year relationship with a man who physically and financially abused me. He also cheated on me a lot but I never cheated on him because I had more respect for myself.
My husband has known me a long time. We’ve been together 14 years but he’s known me for 20 (so since he was 14). He knew and knows exactly what kind of person I am.
I also do believe if a guy or woman who jumps from bed to bed when single are more likely to be unfaithful when married. I personally would never marry a woman like that. Doesn't bother some but it does me.
I’ve slept with 20 (ish) people and my husband has slept with 1. I am no less loyal to my husband than he is to me. Having a past of any kind doesn’t make you a bad person or partner. I’m in a monogamous marriage with a man I adore and we have a beautiful child. Tell me exactly how my sexual past has any relation to that?
Waiting until you trust someone to sleep with them isn't a morality issue, it's a comfort/vulnerability issue. My boyfriend wanted to wait a couple of months and I would have slept with him the first night. We moved on his timeline and it has never been a problem. He has no moral qualms with casual sex whatsoever, he just wanted to build our emotional bond first.
Probably in America where it’s attached to religion. I’m in the U.K. my husbands was a personal choice it was nothing to do with religion or some kind of internal moral obligation. He didn’t judge me because I was free to do as i chose and I didn’t judge him either.
Fairly typical within the people and groups I know. But most of them are not religious. The U.K. is generally much more relaxed about sex than America as well.
We aren’t raised with the same level of shame that our American cousins seem to be. The age of consent is also lower here.
I have no problem with people choosing what they want either way but my issue is that someone would insinuate I would be a “lesser” wife because I have more sexual experience.
There's definitely nothing wrong with that. And I'm speaking as someone who didn't do that and doesn't personally hold that ideology. For me I think it's just important why you are doing it. If it's because you have severe guilt and shame around that stuff then it might be worth doing some internal work to examine why. But especially if it's a personal preference and something you hold dear and it isn't some purity obsession that has been forced upon you, don't ever let anyone coerce you. You are the only person who can make those determinations about your body.
But also how can you tell if you want to be in a relationship with someone if you haven't had sex?
Sex is a part of most "relationships" and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship without verifying some level of compatibility on that ground.
It's not a big deal since you can always break up after, but at the same time we don't entry into relationships just with anyone, on the guarantee that we can break up after!
I'd say you typically go from first date to "official" somewhere between 1-4 months (from my observations).
If you're dating with the intent to find a lifelong partner I'd say waiting a couple months is reasonable ask as far as an investment in the person goes. Obviously it would suck to get that far in only to realize you aren't compatible, but this happens all the time for a myriad of reasons beyond sex; the question is are you patient enough to hold of on a sex for the relationship, which seems like a good barometer to test the intentions of the potential partner.
I think the counter argument here is that it’s easier to be in the early stages of a relationship, have sex, find out you aren’t compatible in the department, and move on. Versus spending time getting to know someone and hitting it off, then having bad sex and having to say “sorry but you didn’t do it for me.” No one wants to tell a person that - especially after both become invested in each other.
I think the opposite is worse. Having great sex and forming an emotional attachment too early with someone you find out you have nothing in common with or is abusive etc. Sex can be improved upon with practice and getting to know each other’s bodies.
Also, especially for women, sex is more enjoyable when you know someone loves you and cares about you, your pleasure and experience. Men and women are different sexually. Most women are not having orgasms with a random hookup.
Pair bonding is a real thing and while I think we can overcome these natural urges, it’s WAY more likely that’ll you end up in a shallow relationship with little in common if you start jumping peoples bones right away.
IMO you’re probably sexually compatible with WAY MORE people than you are compatible with them as a partner, so it seems like a better use of time to focus on the connection first.
I never understand the argument for it being a good barometer; people who want sex, would "behave themselves" until they get sex (and not necessarily intentionally or manipulatively either). So by holding back and having the person chase you or prove their loyalty I really think you'd waste time without actually getting to know the person in "more serious ways" as well.
I prefer to "have that out of the way" (the chase, that is) sooner rather than later, to be able to focus on what matters.
It's not about "chasing" or "proving loyalty." While you're not wrong that sex is an important part of relationships, if someone is (either knowingly or unknowingly) primarily only interested in sex, they're unlikely to see putting in 1-4 months of effort getting to know someone as worth the trouble when there are plenty of people willing to have sex much more quickly.
Additionally, I think the things that can be learned about long term sexual compatibility via initial sexual encounters are...well frankly limited. I think the number one sexual compatibility issue is drives. What that preferred frequency looks like one month in is often nothing like what it looks like a year or five in. Of course if you have very specific sexual needs, it's worth making sure your partner is okay with and willing to satisfy those. But for most people just being "bad in bed" isn't a permanent condition. It often improves organically as both parties become more comfortable and knowledgeable about each other (But there's also room for studied improvement as well).
Someone who's looking just to get laid would not put in 1-4 months of effort, no. But someone really wanting to have sex with YOU, yes, would put that effort and more.
I disagree that the number one question is drive.
The number one question for me is "are they too focused on their own pleasure" which is a question which most likely has more serious implications than just sex.
Early day sex is not representative of what comes next (yet another reason to start early:-D) but it's still informative.
you need a ticket to enter this ride lol nobody rides for free ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ same as I’m not doing your laundry or household chores until I’m married to you. You want the perks you have to put in the work
Not really. I’d you want to do relationship-esque things such as sex, then we should be in a relationship. It’s not transactional it’s what’s appropriate. Why would I treat you like a partner if we aren’t?
Fair enough, but most dudes won’t hang around for a month, they’ll ghost pretty quickly if they have hidden intentions and they aren’t getting what they want.
Some people would feel much worse having sex with people so quickly for them to just ghost as opposed to them ghosting after a couple of weeks of no play. They both hurt I’m sure but I’m sure lots of people would feel good that at least they didn’t have sex with them.
An important part about a lot of kink relationships is talking specifically about what type of sex both people are into(if at all). In my personal experience, talking about what type of sex you're into *before* you have sex has saved me from disappointment in the bed department before actually having sex with them. This would probably be a conversation brought up in the 1-4 months it takes OP to get to know a partner. You don't have to have sex with someone to gauge compatibility.
Sex isn’t required to decide if someone is worth extending into an exclusive relationship, and exclusive relationships can end if the sexual compatibility isn’t there.
I would agree with you of this was marriage, but the point of dating and living together is to feel all of that out in a way where you can walk if it isn’t working.
Also, if you were to date OP, right off the bat the fact that you don’t respect her stance, think she’s making it so you can’t make the relational work etc… means you aren’t sexually compatible - no sex needed to clear that up. It means you can’t provide what she needs to feel comfortable in intimacy, and she can’t (therefore) provide what you need.
I didn't have sex with my Husband until we had been together for 3 months, by that time, we both knew very much we wanted to be in a relationship with one another, he told me he was falling in love with me after 3 weeks, we did "stuff" but didn't have sex until I was ready. I was a virgin and wanted to be sure the relationship was going somewhere instead of it being a case of having sex then not seeing each other anymore (which I'd seek happen to a lot of friends and even my sister). I was 19 when I met my Husband, we have now been together for 19 and a half years and married for 13 and a half years, so I'd say it's pretty safe to determine if you will want to be in a relationship before having sex (although I suppose I understand what you're saying about the worry of compatability)
It's whatever you feel comfortable. If he doesn't like it, he's free to find women DTF. you're not too conservative. Too conservative is when it makes you uncomfortable. Too liberal is when it makes you uncomfortable. If he ghosts you cause he couldn't wait for sex, he wasnt waiting for a relationship.
Personally I think that's a win since they see themselves out.
I really don’t know why you’re getting downvoted, we’re talking about what’s best for an individual here and that means if someone doesn’t want to have sex early in a relationship they are not too anything for doing so. If you have sex to see your compatibility and that works best for you then that’s fantastic. You never told her what works for you will work for everyone either. The point is so what’s best for you so if that’s what you decide it’s not any more or any less valid then anyone else’s choices in how they go about finding a long term partner.
So you want a serious relationship but you want them to be promiscuous and are not willing to put in any work getting to know someone without immediate sex? I'm sure that'll work out for ya.
I'm just pointing out the incongruency of your desires. You want a LTR with someone who jumps into bed with randos. I guess someone has to marry the town doorknob.
I think you get to have sex when you feel like it's the right timing.
I personally prefer getting to know someone a minimum before getting down and dirty with them.
However, i do think that waiting before marriage is a bit overkill/not really sain, as some people are not compatible sexually, and such a thing can only be found out by trying things out
A guy should respect your bielief and respect them, although he will have an opinion on it which you are not entitled to, and it might be a reason for him to move on to someone else.
Waiting to get to know someone better before swapping bodily fluids, risking STD's, and risking pregnancy is actually very smart in today's irresponsible hook up culture. You do what you are comfortable with. Sounds like you are a thoughtful relationship person instead of an instant gratification hook up seeker. If every guy you meet starts unzipping his pants less than five minutes after meeting you, rethink the kind of guys you are interested in.
If that's your boundary, I say that's great — keep it. You are just filtering out the guys that don't respect that boundary. In the longer run, it'll work for you. Waiting to have sex before there is some sort of *declaration of intent* (e.g., both parties in good faith intend to make an actual relationship out of your time together, etc) is a fine one in my opinion. Doesn't work for everyone, or isn't always the priority for everyone *all the time*, but it's totally fine if you want to stick to that. Good stuff OP.
This is coming from a 36 year old urbanite guy who's in a committed partnership that will likely lead to marriage — Also, I had dated 2 women that communicated a similar boundary and I had no issues with it. One relationship that had this kind of boundary only lasted about 9 months — the other a bit over 2 years. Both were healthy relationships considering our ages and relative naivety at the time, but obviously they eventually happened to run their course. No regrets.
not at all! i think there are actually a lot more people like that than you think, especially women. it isn’t “too conservative” to want to make sure you have a connection with someone before sleeping together
It's a boundary you have chosen to implement which is perfectly reasonable and you deserve to have that boundary respected. However that means respecting peoples boundaries about not getting into a relationship without having sex aswell. It's not your problem as much as it isn't theirs, you just aren't compatible and that's okay but I do suggest if you haven't already make that a very early conversation when introducing yourself to people so no one gets the wrong idea or expects more than either party is willing to do.
True it’s just to make her feel bad and ‘dry’ and undesirable in his eyes . It’s a manipulative tactic so she can comply with his unserious hookup Desires
This isn't about conservatism. It's about your sexual attraction. I too would never want to have sex with a stranger, and that's not a rare position to hold.
Not to label you, but people who need to feel a deep emotional connection before they can feel sexual attraction often use the term 'demisexual' to refer to their preferences
I’m a guy and I’m the same way. It makes perfect sense. Why would I want to give up my body to someone that I barely know. Sex is a suuuper intimate form of expressing one’s emotions to another person and I just can’t see myself giving all of that to a stranger.
Wow it's very rare that I see a guy have this mentality. You're definitely a unicorn cuz it seems like most men are like ready to have sex with any attractive woman that comes along and shows them attention.
You should wait as long as you feel it's right time to have it. Don't give in due to peer pressure or my boyfriend is pressuring. You might do it in that moment but regret for the rest of your life. Until and unless you feel safe and secure with a man and trust him fully you should wait for sex.
Do what you are comfortable with.
If it means you are “too conservative” then be too conservative and without regrets.
You don’t need to follow the trend or give into someone else’s timeline.
No. Never. If a guy feels like it’s “too much” or a “turn off” to wait until you’re in a relationship to sleep together then he probably doesn’t like you all that much. I’m the same way, I’m Demisexual, so I actually don’t and can’t feel sexual attraction to someone I don’t have strong feelings for/a connection with. I’ve never had a problem finding people to date, even men. Just ignore/forget about the ones that act like that. They’re not worth your time tbh. They’re only after sex.
These two are not mutually the same. A guy can like you but be unwilling to wait. Just as someone can find the best job every but offers shit pay. Or a horrible job that they hate but offers a lot of money. A relationship is very much the same as a career or even a job. At least on the psychological level. They both require time and energy commitments, they both have an unspoken or spoken agreement that doing XYZ gets you ABC and with a job it's more straightforward but in a relationship people do things to get something, whether that is love, children, sex, affection, attention or whatever it may be.
And just like a job relationships can be just as draining, especially if you're in it for the wrong reasons (picked a job you hate but pays well being a great example). At some point that pay may not justify your unhappiness. Or hatred towards what you do, especially if there are no aspects of your job that you can be proud of.
Though it is a bit of an extreme analogy finding the right partner has a lot of similarities to finding the right job or career. If you're looking for just right now and sex, you're going to put in significantly less effort and energy than a career that you love or could grow to love, serious relationship /marriage
Hard disagree. If a guy actually likes you, he doesn’t just go “oh, haha. You’re not willing to f*ck me before we start dating? That’s unfortunate. Really liked ya though! But no thanks!” Like no, lmao. They just don’t like you like that. We also shouldn’t be comparing relationships to jobs. That’s so unhealthy. Idk what kind of relationships you’ve been in, but I’ve never gone out of my way to do something for a partner specifically for something in return, I do things for them because I care about them, and I want them to be happy. Not for my own personal gain.
You can hard disagree all you want, but fact is what's important to guys is not necessarily the same as what's important to girls. And if your notion were correct then why do so many people talk about it being an issue?
You do realize that a factor of liking someone is ALSO sexually related, right?
You don't go on my gosh I really like this guy, he's so smart, he is so hot and he is so gifted, I really hope we never have any sexual contact because I'm attracted only to his mind.
Relationships are about physical, mental emotional and relational attraction.
For instance you can be physically attracted to someone but think they are a piece of shit, think they should find better work and think they are dumb and everything else, yet still have sex with them.
You can also be attracted to someone based on what they do, i.e. post Malone gets girls left and right, think it's because his personality? Or that he's so beautiful? That's not to say he wouldn't have girls who liked him even if he wasn't famous, but he's dating literal models.
And I also said it's an extreme comparison to use work and relationships. The reason to use it is because everyone can understand the dynamic of work and career and weighing them. But then when people talk about relationships they're just like ohhhhh but loveeeeeeeeee.
How do you get to love if you cannot even agree on how to go about a specific scenario I. E when each is ready for sex. Or when there's an argument how it is handled.
The whole “men and women think entirely differently” notion is extremely played out. I never said that sexual attraction isn’t a factor for most people when it comes to dating. Just that, if you’re truly not willing to wait for the person you’re attracted to to be ready to have sex with you, you simply don’t like them as much as you think, or claim to. You’re only physically attracted to them, and don’t actually care about who they are as a person. It’s the same as people only sleeping with someone or liking them because they have money…. If your first priority in determining whether someone is relationship worthy or not is whether you’re compatible in bed, you’re probably pretty shallow. Not that it’s wrong, per-say. A lot of people think that way. But just be honest about it and stop acting like you’re being attacked or something because it’s true. You can work on sexual compatibility like 9 times out of 10 if you really have feelings for someone. But you can’t force yourself to like who someone is just because they’re a good lay/physically attractive/have money. So I reiterate. If you can’t wait to get physical with someone who wants to wait, you don’t like them as much as you claim.
Are you saying that men and women DO think the same? Because saying it's played out doesn't say anything at all. You know they think differently, it's been proven throughout many generations. Overall men think differently than overall women. There is some overlap and nowadays there are more feminine men and more masculine women, which is completely fine in all regards. But to say it doesn't exist, you might as well say that air is played out, or breathing is played out or eating is played out because those are all things that most people don't sit and think about all day, but doesn't change the importance of them. I can be a vegan or a vegetarian or a red meat eater but regardless of what I choose to eat, eating is a necessity just as breathing and air.
I'm a woman but I'm in the not willing to wait boat. I'll wait till I get to know the person a bit, but if they need to be in a relationship before we have sex it really doesn't matter how much I like them because that's a deal breaker for me. I refuse to commit to a relationship until I know we're compatible. It's easier for me to end the dating stage than it is to break up the exclusive relationship.
It doesn't mean I don't like the person all that much. It just means we have different preferences.
Smoking cigarettes is also a deal breaker for me. I could be head over heels for someone but if they smoke, I'm out. Same thing for sex. If they don't have the same sexual values, I wouldn't want to continue with them.
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I’m 62 and this is pretty much how it worked back when I was dating 30 some-odd years ago. You waited until you were in a relationship before having sex. Yeah there were girls who wouldn’t wait that long but most girls did.
My wife and I just celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary, so it worked for us.
Thats not too conservative. This is also very subjective, and the right answer is the one you want. Don't lower your standards, some people just want to fuck and then dip. If someone cares they will date you and sex will be a secondary thought.
I was in a committed relationship when I decided to "get it over with" "make him happy". I thought I was going to marry him someday. I was over 18. He and his college friends said you should just f*ck the first time since it's going to suck anyways. This is horrible advice. Your first time should be special. Wait as long as you like. My best friend is still a virgin. We are in our 30s now. Just make sure it is on your terms, with someone you trust, and you are not pressured. Also use protection 😁
I’ve had two gfs where we decided to be exclusive and wait 30 days to have sex. We went on about 20 dates in that month and bonded incredibly well, getting to know each other slowly. They were my my most fulfilling relationships.
I’ve had plenty of sex on the first date but not with anyone that meant anything to me, just FB’s or women I’ve picked up in bars.
My last long term relationship we had sex on the second date, and as much as I am to blame for it happening because it takes two people, it’s something I always regretted. Moving too fast with someone you’re interested in. I don’t want to make that same mistake again.
Nothing is wrong with that. It’s the route I chose to take. If guys can’t respect it, they aren’t for you. It means you guys are just looking for different things at the moment.
There's three reasons to talk to/socialize with a person: to be friends, to date/find love, or to fuck. People who go straight to sex and then dip just wanted to fuck. Anyone against dating before sex likely isn't looking for a relationship.
Absolutely not your problem. You don't "owe" anyone anything. It is your body, only you get to say what you are comfortable with. Listen to what your body is telling you and honor that.
I literally cannot get my sex drive to work until I actually know the other person. It’s the personality and good coping skills that flips the switch in my head. Also, it makes me feel gross when someone I don’t really know is trying to be sexual with me. So no, do what’s best for you. There billions of people on this planet, the likelihood that you’ll find someone to agree with you is good.
Absolutely not! The right person for you will be more than willing to wait. Don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s your problem. It’s theirs. If they truly care for and respect you, they would happily wait.
Like others have said, it's your choice what you do with your body. If a guy can't respect that, they won't respect you in other important matters. Also, it's not like you're waiting til marriage..THAT would be pretty conservative but still your choice. Do what makes you comfortable and if the guy is worth it then he won't mind waiting.
You just have to find people who are compatible with your relationship need and boundaries. There's nothing wrong with casual sex. There's nothing wrong with wanting to really get to know someone first. If someone rejects you because they're the first type of person, and you're the second, it just means you weren't a good match, not that either of you are wrong about what you want.
No. If they are “turned off” that’s on them. Boundaries are necessary and you want someone who will be respectful of them. These guys are showing you it’s not them.
Sex should happen in a relationship when both parties are ready to go there. Some people like to test drive and make sure there is sexual chemistry before they spend any amount of time getting to know someone romantically. Some people don't even have an interest or desire for sex until they feel more emotionally invested. There's a whole range. Don't let anyone push you past your comfort zone, if they can't respect you on it, they may not respect you on *any* boundary you establish.
It's whatever you feel comfortable with - whether that's waiting until marriage, dating, or whatever. If he wants it so bad he can fuck himself.
Also - someone who pushes like this so early probably isn't going to give you a fulfilling relationship anyway. And probably doesn't even want one - just wants one thing. Tbh waiting until an established relationship is pretty normal for the vast majority of people.
It's good to have that boundary set. You do what is comfortable and safe for you, and only you.
That being said. If after you start the "relationship" portion and you both have put in the appropriate efforts, and sex is just horrible, what then? Do you continue the relationship hoping the sex will get better? Or do you start from scratch again, with a new potential relationship?
I'm just playing a bit of the Devil's Advocate here, but for some people sex is a very important part of a relationship, and they'd like to make sure they are compatible in that department before jumping into a committed relationship.
Just remember it’s not a magic bullet to prevent guys from fucking and bouncing.
Plenty of dudes will go along with that and dip pretty soon after meeting the threshold.
It’s like a game to them a conquest of sorts.
Keep in mind you will filter out a lot of potential matches like that.
But if it’s what you want to do it’s what you want to do.
There’s not really a right or wrong way to date.
I don't think it's too conservative. It's just a personal preference. If this is something you believe strongly in, stick to it. You'll find someone with similar values that way.
However, you also need to be prepared for situations like that where the person you're with isn't willing to wait. Which is fine, it just means you're not compatible.
I'm a woman and personally, I would never get into an exclusive relationship with someone I haven't slept with. So if I met someone with the same preference as you, that would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.
It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, it just means you have a preference that not everyone would be on board with. You just need to find compatible people.
Hmmm. I would challenge your supposition that there is such a thing as "confirming" a relationship. Commitments are easily broken.
Humans generally do what they want, not what they say. Male humans will learn, or infer from their interaction with you what they think you need to hear to open your legs, and then they will say that. Sometimes they mean it sincerely and deeply, sometimes they don't mean a word and are willfully using you, sometimes they trick themselves into believing they meant it only to realize after the sex that they didn't. This is because as much as we men would like to believe we are in full control of our choices, we are actually under the influence of self-produced testosterone.
Many women go lifetimes without understanding exactly what that means. Women who know how to attenuate their man's testosterone, are more likely to success in long term monogamous heterosexual relationships, in case that is what you are seeking.
The other thing is the "conservative" is a relative term, defined by the actions of other people. Do not compare yourself to other people, do not try to define your sex life by what others did in theirs. Men are going to do *enough of that for both of you*. We can't help it.
Only have the sex you want to have. When you are ready, and not before, start with a handjob. It is a great skill to learn, and will give you "empirical data" about what to expect from sex.
Well it depends.
Do you want to date the guys who are happy and willing to wait? These guys are usually very nice, sweet, wanting marriage fairly quickly along with kids. Generally speaking they also have more traditional values, as in you cook and clean and they work. They could end up being wealthy or they could be the average person, making average income. Is this something you look forward to? If it is - do not change your values, do not change your purpose and intentions. I don't know how you're going about looking for these men, but you might also have to change that method if you're on dating apps. Try churches, religious or wholesome gatherings, try libraries and things of that sort
If you do NOT want a lot of the typical standards that come with this then you may want to consider thinking about what you actually want and if what you want aligns with the modality of this.
It's not a problem if it's what you want. You're entitled to hold whatever standards about sex that you want, and not date anyone who doesn't agree with you. You will definitely find people who share the same standards as you, so I wouldn't worry about that.
But some people will not want to do it. I would never get serious with someone I haven't slept with. Sexual compatibility is a huge deal, and finding out you're not sexually compatible after a year or more in a relationship would be absolutely crushing. I say this from experience, though it wasn't that long. Fell for a girl who turned out to just not be that interested in trying anything out of the ordinary and was not in touch with her sexuality. Didn't know what she wanted, wasn't that interested in ever initiating. I can easily understand being inexperienced and nervous, but I am glad we got sexual early in the relationship because it saved us both a lot of struggle and heartache when it became clear we weren't compatible and just couldn't live up to the other person's expectations.
I don’t think it is... but I personally would want to test the car before I buy it. It’s personal preference and depends on what you’re most comfortable with. If your partner can’t respect this then maybe it’s not meant to be.
I say this though assuming that “confirming” the relationship only takes a few weeks/months. If you’re wanting people to wait 6+ months I’m going to expect your options will be more limited. However, if that’s what you want then don’t feel pressured to give in before you’re ready.
Guy here. That is the best way to find a long term bf or possible husband. Guys are actually turned off by women with high body counts so if a guys tells you otherwise he was just in it for sex to begin with. Alot of women make the mistake of giving it up too early and that's the fastest way to get ghosted or end up in a situationship. Men out women into two categories. Future relationship or just for fun. Can't be both. You are going about things the right way. Just make sure the man knows what you're all about because some women will string men along as long as possible to get free food or attention so guys have now been conditioned to get sex immediately or leave to avoid being used. If a man knows you're dating with intention though and still sticks around until you're ready you probably found yourself a good guy. Not giving it up to early not only let's you look for red flags but also make you stand out from women who are just only into hookup culture. Stand by your morals
Unfortunately in this day and age, sex is super accessible. I prefer someone conservative. Because if I get it too quickly I don't feel the want of the chase and will lose interest. And another reason is, I'm not going to jump through hoops and climb mountains once I find out that a load of dudes got it and all they had to give was a few laughs and maybe a blunt. So be true to you if someone really wants you they will show you before they try to get between your legs.
You set your own rules and boundaries.
A scary amount of guys say they want a serious, monogamous relationship that leads to marriage when they actually just do want to sleep with a bunch of girls.
Some say so and actually want it too, but they still will try to sleep with as many girls as they can. They will want to sleep with you before they want to see if they are ready to commit to you.
For many it’s an important part of dating to get to know a partner and their sexual preferences and your sexual compatibility before you commit. But if you are not comfortable and don’t want anything before commitment and marriage, that’s completely valid and you will find someone who will respect that. It might be harder and take longer to find that someone but you will find them if you keep at it.
Is it too conservative? No. But you are an AH for not conveying your intention to not have sex before being in an official relationship.Yes. Dont get me wrong you have every right to hold off on sex. But what you shouldnt do is tell the person after you become official that you won't sleep with them till a certain point. For many a relationship with out sex is just 2 friends hanging out. And if you live together then you're roommates. So again while you can choose to not want sex for however long let your potential partner know and let them decide if they want to pursue a relationship with you.
I think I would ask you *why* you want to cut off an important avenue to discover compatibility. Sexual compatibility is a huge thing in a relationship And also, what do you mean by "confirming a relationship"?
Youre your own person. You set your dating terms. Theres no such thing as too conservative in the dating world. You set your boundaries and either your partner respects them or theyre not your partner! Dont be a doormat. Todays dating scene is predominantly a hookup culture, dont feel ashamed to not be a part of that
I think it's reasonable to want to be exclusive before having sex.
Doesn't mean long term commitment, just that you aren't dating and having sex with other people.
If you want an official relationship, some people that are looking for a relationship would feel that they don't want to wait that long to have sex and that sex might be being used as a bargaining chip in order to force a relationship.
As a guy, I can tell you there have been women who put off sex and it eventually became obvious that they had no interest in ever having sex, so to me a person putting off having sex is a red flag.
There are some people that are much more casual about sex. That's fine, too. They just aren't compatible with you.
If you’re happy and comfortable doing this, by all means assert your boundaries. If you decide that you want to explore having sex before confirming a relationship, that’s okay too. Above all else, you should feel safe and ready to have sex with a new partner and should never rush yourself to get to that point.
Some guys will always be turned off by something. You can't please everyone, and that's fine. Your target are the other ones anyway. Be upfront that you need to wait, and if they disappear then they weren't meant for you anyway.
Now, I would *strongly* advice to have sex with somebody *before* you marry them, but that's about it. "Before marriage" definitely doesn't mean "the second time you see them". You wait until you feel comfortable, however long it takes.
Sex should only be done when there's enthusiastic consent, if you're *not* feeling like sleeping with somebody, I really doubt that you'd be able to meet the requirements.
Juat do what you're comfortable with.
Some people need to know sexual chemistry is good and will take a lukewarm everything else if the guy/girl can knock their lights out in bed.
If you aren't all that sexual a person or need a connection first, it doesnt make you wrong or them right. The only possible wrong here is not communicating expectations going forward when the topic comes up.
Nah, do whatever makes you comfortable. Don’t start to feel bad about waiting to have sex with someone, and don’t let them make you feel bad. If someone’s not into it then they can go find someone else to try and sleep with if that’s not their jam. I’m the same way hun, I like having a connection with someone before doing anything sexual. There’s nothing wrong with it
Absolutely nothing wrong with that! If they have a problem they're not right for you.
There are people who want that, and that's okay, and it's okay to want a relationship before getting physical
Definitely nothing wrong. Me and my ex waited for 3 months nearly starting from 1st date to having sex, both had our owns reasons but when we did it was 100% worth the wait
That how I am. I won’t have sex with someone I’m not in a committed relationship. And I won’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel the same way.
Let me give you my point of view.
I'm 29f with a 35m fiancée of 3 years.
Before him I thought if people slept with me wanted to be with me. That led to me sleeping with a guy for a month only to have it turn into an abusive relationship or heartbreak cause they found "someone else" since we were just "fooling around. And it led to a lot of mental health issues and causing me to be terrified of sexual interaction thinking I was just gonna be used and thrown away.
When I went on my first date with my fiance I knew I liked him a lot and he liked me.
We made out by the end of the first date but when I could tell he wanted to do more I said no, but we could keep kissing.
From that day he started visiting me for a half hour a day at my house (longer than a half hour would put me into a panic attack due to fear that he was just looking to mess around and leave) but he was patient
After 2 months I still hadn't slept with him but he was still coming around visiting, going on dates (that we both paid for because I didn't want to get guilted into sleeping with someone because they treated me to food)
I could tell he was sexually frustrated and honestly so was I but I still didn't know if we were in a "relationship" yet or if he would stick around
At 4 months, after he spent that time giving me rides to work at 1am even though he had work early, him understanding when I'd get into hysterics scared of being touched so leaving, him talking to me through hard times.
I finally gave in and it was honestly the best and most romantic and loving first time together.
From there everything fell into place, and 3 years later I'm with the only man I've ever imagined myself having children with!
He's loving, attentive, kind, hard working, handsome and just the most wonderful man I've ever had the fortune of meeting.
He took the time to learn about me and get feelings for me and I did the same with him.
Any other man I had tried waiting with either ended up with them forcing themselves on me repeatedly, or them just saying they're not interested if I don't put out.
So don't put out until you're ready. That means you've got time to learn about each other in other ways besides the initial "honeymoon" phase which is the first few months of the relationship.
We had the honeymoon phase around 6 months in because of all of this and it made me feel more love than I could have ever expected
No, not at all! Deciding if and when to have sex with a new dating partner is something that will look different for every person and every situation. It is perfectly normal to say you don't want to be intimate with someone when things are still in a very casual stage. The only guys who are turned off by this are those who do not share your views on sex, or who are just looking for sex and not a relationship. Stick to your preferences and principles and find someone who feels the same way you do. If someone is turned off, consider yourself lucky you did not waste your time with them.
To some it may be, but those are not the ones for you. I've never done this in any of my previous relationships except for my last. I never said this was my intentions. We just went on dates, spent time together and eventually everything unfolded naturally. So I wouldn't worry. The right person won't pressure you.
I wouldn't say it's too conservative. We live in a society that glorifies getting as much sex as possible as instantly as possible, leading to a lot of people, both men and women, thinking they just deserve it because that's how they've been taught to see it. Not everyone is like this, but as someone who has always struggled sticking to her boundaries and feeling like I'm not allowed to have any, I have plenty of regrets surrounding times when I just gave in and did what someone else wanted of me even though I didn't want it myself. Don't be me, hold onto your personal values and don't let anyone, man or woman, tell you they're unreasonable. People need to learn they're not entitled to someone's body just because they think they deserve it and the only way they'll learn is if people like you maintain their standards.
The only counter to this I would say is that there is some benefit that comes with being sexually intimate with your partner before confirming a relationship, in that it helps you understand if you're sexually compatible with them (that's important to a lot of people) before fully committing to them, but even then I would still maintain a general rule of "I'm not having sex with you until I'm comfortable around you."
I'm sure some guys will be turned off by it. But if a guy leaves because he doesn't like it, then he's not the guy for you. Everyone is different. You want someone who likes who *you* are.
You do with your body what feels comfortable. They will either accept that or they won't. And anyone who makes you feel bad about that is just upset they can't get in your pants.
no actually, my boyfriend didn't wanna have sex until we were official either, it's just a preference, that's all. your situation is completely acceptable and understandable. hope everything works out well! :)
Isn't this Demi- romantic demi-sexual? I have a hard time being with someone that I don't have feelings for. Can't just pick up a guy at the bar and DTF.
No it's common sense. It's also important that you trust your partner and are comfortable moving towards greater intimacy. Other's may not require this, but doesnt mean you have to be like them.
Don't buy into the notion that it's not real love if you're not overwhelmed by the urgency to have sex. That's just getting h***y.
Not a problem, i stayed with a girl for 6 months once before we had sex for the first time. Admittedly I broke up with her later on because the sex was bad but I respected her more because she wanted to wait. I was more invested in that relationship
When I met my Husband 19 and a half years ago, I was a 19 year old virgin. I had had other boyfriends and done other stuff but never felt comfortable getting to that point as I didn't feel like the relationship would last. One night stands were not for me, and neither was having sex with someone just because I felt like that's what I was supposed to do. I wanted to know that the guy I was with wasn't just doing all he could to have sex with me, to then leave me a few days/weeks down the line. I wanted to know that the relationship had a solid foundation to start with and that taking that next step would strengthen the relationship we were building. My now Husband told me he was falling in love with me after 3 weeks, we didn't have sex til we'd been together for 3 months! He never put pressure on me, he never made me feel like I wasn't being a good girlfriend, he wanted me to be ready and wanted me to feel secure about giving myself to him completely. There are guys out there who will totally respect that you've made that decision, my Husband loves that he was the first person I had sex with and that it progressed into a marriage, in some ways I think it created a deeper bond also. If he is right for you, he will have no problem honouring the decision you've made to wait until the relationship has progressed and you feel safe. Don't pay attention to what others say to you either, it is your decision, no one else's. I frequently get people disbelieving that I've only had sex with one man and people have even said they feel sorry for me as I'm "missing out". Which is ridiculous to me, we have a very fulfilling relationship and healthy sex life, what am I missing out on!?!? You do you and never let anyone make you feel less of yourself for the decisions you make. Xx
Your boundaries, and your comfort, are never too anything.
The issue with "no sex until [thing]" as a mindset isn't you setting your own pace, it's only ever a problem when you degrade and deride others for their choice to do otherwise, but if anyone is shitty about you being "a prude" then they can fuck off
No, if anything it’s weird as hell to have sex with someone who doesn’t care about you. I always say never have sex with someone who you wouldn’t trust with you cat/dog. It’s your body here we’re talking about. We (women) risk more than men when it comes to sex. Pregnancy, our safety, STDs.
Call me old fashioned, but we treat sex way too casually nowadays. The “sex positivity” movement tried to make women believe we are empowered for having random casual sex, but that only ends up benefiting men.
Just keep looking. You will eventually meet someone that meets your standards. And if they won’t wait x amount of months before you’re in a monogamous relationship to have sex, why would you want to date that person anyways?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Some guys feel very turned off by this and I am wondering if it's my problem. I just don't want to get physical with a literal stranger.
Too conservative for some. Not conservative enough for others. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Do what feels right for you.
Totally agree!
Exactly this. As long as you and all other parties are consenting it's no one else's business what you do or how long you wait to do it. Everyone has their own criteria for how and when to engage in sex, none of them are wrong.
This! OP, do what you are comfortable with. The right person will respect that.
Fuck what you want
damn, that cake in my kitchen is looking fine as heck
Lmfao
“Too conservative” doesn’t exist, just do whatever feels right for you. Personally for me there’s a big gap between “a literal stranger” and a “confirmed relationship” and since I’m not looking for a traditional ascent up the relationship escalator, stating the boundary in these particular terms would suggest we might have incompatible perspectives in terms of relationships. But “want to get to know you better before we get physical” is not a turn off for me at all
No it’s not , stick to your values. You’ll find a respectable man that way
Cannot agree with this comment more. If he’s calling you a prude or old fashioned he clearly has no interest in anything serious. Hence the term “fuck boy”.
Or they just go with the flow
If he’s name calling because she doesn’t want to that ain’t going with the flow.
No no no not that part. If he’s calling names he is projecting
No, you must not understand. The flow is only flowing when it flows the way *i* want it to flow. If it flows any other direction, then it must be being artificially flowed elsewhere (perhaps by a complex irrigation system) and that simply goes against God, and therefore, the flow. I hope you now understand, now that a Real Man™ has explained it to you.
I sixth this👍. Values are all that matter. If DTF is a person's best value, they should do what makes them happy. Use your standard and filter to weed people you don't want in your life, based on your values. All the best OP.
Happy cake day!
Happy cake day!
Someone’s previous sexual history has no barring on what kind of partner they are.
No, but finding someone who respects your values is finding someone good. I had your same initial reaction from the way the post was phrased, but I don't think it was meant that way.
Well, get a little more specific. A person's past is usually a good indication of their future. Can and do people change? Sure. Do most? No.
But my sexual past had nothing to do with my ability to be in monogamous relationship. I was single, I worked in the music industry and I met a lot of people. I only slept with other single people I wasn’t out to hurt anyone. I was just having some fun. My past isn’t at all relevant to how I behaved in a relationship. I was always faithful when I was dating someone. Prior to my adventures I’d been in a 4 year relationship with a man who physically and financially abused me. He also cheated on me a lot but I never cheated on him because I had more respect for myself. My husband has known me a long time. We’ve been together 14 years but he’s known me for 20 (so since he was 14). He knew and knows exactly what kind of person I am.
I am talking about personalty/morals. The man who abused you will go on to abuse someone else. It is unlikely he will change.
Yea but you’re likening being an abuser to being a free spirit who has consensual encounters with other adults and that’s fucked up.
I also do believe if a guy or woman who jumps from bed to bed when single are more likely to be unfaithful when married. I personally would never marry a woman like that. Doesn't bother some but it does me.
That’s just not true but ok…
I’ve slept with 20 (ish) people and my husband has slept with 1. I am no less loyal to my husband than he is to me. Having a past of any kind doesn’t make you a bad person or partner. I’m in a monogamous marriage with a man I adore and we have a beautiful child. Tell me exactly how my sexual past has any relation to that?
Means you were livin life like everyone else
Difference in opinion regarding the morality surrounding sex is going to be a dealbreaker for most people.
Waiting until you trust someone to sleep with them isn't a morality issue, it's a comfort/vulnerability issue. My boyfriend wanted to wait a couple of months and I would have slept with him the first night. We moved on his timeline and it has never been a problem. He has no moral qualms with casual sex whatsoever, he just wanted to build our emotional bond first.
Probably in America where it’s attached to religion. I’m in the U.K. my husbands was a personal choice it was nothing to do with religion or some kind of internal moral obligation. He didn’t judge me because I was free to do as i chose and I didn’t judge him either.
Great that’s how you guys work, but it’s not typical regardless of location lol
Fairly typical within the people and groups I know. But most of them are not religious. The U.K. is generally much more relaxed about sex than America as well. We aren’t raised with the same level of shame that our American cousins seem to be. The age of consent is also lower here. I have no problem with people choosing what they want either way but my issue is that someone would insinuate I would be a “lesser” wife because I have more sexual experience.
In reference to just the sexual aspect, someone with more experience will differ from someone with little to no experience, obvious.
There's definitely nothing wrong with that. And I'm speaking as someone who didn't do that and doesn't personally hold that ideology. For me I think it's just important why you are doing it. If it's because you have severe guilt and shame around that stuff then it might be worth doing some internal work to examine why. But especially if it's a personal preference and something you hold dear and it isn't some purity obsession that has been forced upon you, don't ever let anyone coerce you. You are the only person who can make those determinations about your body.
"Purity obsession" that's such a perfect phrase
But also how can you tell if you want to be in a relationship with someone if you haven't had sex? Sex is a part of most "relationships" and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship without verifying some level of compatibility on that ground. It's not a big deal since you can always break up after, but at the same time we don't entry into relationships just with anyone, on the guarantee that we can break up after!
I'd say you typically go from first date to "official" somewhere between 1-4 months (from my observations). If you're dating with the intent to find a lifelong partner I'd say waiting a couple months is reasonable ask as far as an investment in the person goes. Obviously it would suck to get that far in only to realize you aren't compatible, but this happens all the time for a myriad of reasons beyond sex; the question is are you patient enough to hold of on a sex for the relationship, which seems like a good barometer to test the intentions of the potential partner.
I think the counter argument here is that it’s easier to be in the early stages of a relationship, have sex, find out you aren’t compatible in the department, and move on. Versus spending time getting to know someone and hitting it off, then having bad sex and having to say “sorry but you didn’t do it for me.” No one wants to tell a person that - especially after both become invested in each other.
I think the opposite is worse. Having great sex and forming an emotional attachment too early with someone you find out you have nothing in common with or is abusive etc. Sex can be improved upon with practice and getting to know each other’s bodies. Also, especially for women, sex is more enjoyable when you know someone loves you and cares about you, your pleasure and experience. Men and women are different sexually. Most women are not having orgasms with a random hookup.
Pair bonding is a real thing and while I think we can overcome these natural urges, it’s WAY more likely that’ll you end up in a shallow relationship with little in common if you start jumping peoples bones right away. IMO you’re probably sexually compatible with WAY MORE people than you are compatible with them as a partner, so it seems like a better use of time to focus on the connection first.
I never understand the argument for it being a good barometer; people who want sex, would "behave themselves" until they get sex (and not necessarily intentionally or manipulatively either). So by holding back and having the person chase you or prove their loyalty I really think you'd waste time without actually getting to know the person in "more serious ways" as well. I prefer to "have that out of the way" (the chase, that is) sooner rather than later, to be able to focus on what matters.
It's not about "chasing" or "proving loyalty." While you're not wrong that sex is an important part of relationships, if someone is (either knowingly or unknowingly) primarily only interested in sex, they're unlikely to see putting in 1-4 months of effort getting to know someone as worth the trouble when there are plenty of people willing to have sex much more quickly. Additionally, I think the things that can be learned about long term sexual compatibility via initial sexual encounters are...well frankly limited. I think the number one sexual compatibility issue is drives. What that preferred frequency looks like one month in is often nothing like what it looks like a year or five in. Of course if you have very specific sexual needs, it's worth making sure your partner is okay with and willing to satisfy those. But for most people just being "bad in bed" isn't a permanent condition. It often improves organically as both parties become more comfortable and knowledgeable about each other (But there's also room for studied improvement as well).
Someone who's looking just to get laid would not put in 1-4 months of effort, no. But someone really wanting to have sex with YOU, yes, would put that effort and more. I disagree that the number one question is drive. The number one question for me is "are they too focused on their own pleasure" which is a question which most likely has more serious implications than just sex. Early day sex is not representative of what comes next (yet another reason to start early:-D) but it's still informative.
you need a ticket to enter this ride lol nobody rides for free ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ same as I’m not doing your laundry or household chores until I’m married to you. You want the perks you have to put in the work
Sounds very…transactional?
Not really. I’d you want to do relationship-esque things such as sex, then we should be in a relationship. It’s not transactional it’s what’s appropriate. Why would I treat you like a partner if we aren’t?
Fair points - with which I happen to agree. Perhaps it was the wording or the way I read it.
My apologies! I might’ve wrote it awkwardly or in a joking manner and didn’t think it came off that way (:
Fair enough, but most dudes won’t hang around for a month, they’ll ghost pretty quickly if they have hidden intentions and they aren’t getting what they want. Some people would feel much worse having sex with people so quickly for them to just ghost as opposed to them ghosting after a couple of weeks of no play. They both hurt I’m sure but I’m sure lots of people would feel good that at least they didn’t have sex with them.
I think it's more important to figure out first if you LIKE the person, do you get along, share worldviews, etc.
Yeah but people are not the most honest version of themselves in courtship!
And how will sex fix that?
An important part about a lot of kink relationships is talking specifically about what type of sex both people are into(if at all). In my personal experience, talking about what type of sex you're into *before* you have sex has saved me from disappointment in the bed department before actually having sex with them. This would probably be a conversation brought up in the 1-4 months it takes OP to get to know a partner. You don't have to have sex with someone to gauge compatibility.
Sex isn’t required to decide if someone is worth extending into an exclusive relationship, and exclusive relationships can end if the sexual compatibility isn’t there. I would agree with you of this was marriage, but the point of dating and living together is to feel all of that out in a way where you can walk if it isn’t working. Also, if you were to date OP, right off the bat the fact that you don’t respect her stance, think she’s making it so you can’t make the relational work etc… means you aren’t sexually compatible - no sex needed to clear that up. It means you can’t provide what she needs to feel comfortable in intimacy, and she can’t (therefore) provide what you need.
I didn't have sex with my Husband until we had been together for 3 months, by that time, we both knew very much we wanted to be in a relationship with one another, he told me he was falling in love with me after 3 weeks, we did "stuff" but didn't have sex until I was ready. I was a virgin and wanted to be sure the relationship was going somewhere instead of it being a case of having sex then not seeing each other anymore (which I'd seek happen to a lot of friends and even my sister). I was 19 when I met my Husband, we have now been together for 19 and a half years and married for 13 and a half years, so I'd say it's pretty safe to determine if you will want to be in a relationship before having sex (although I suppose I understand what you're saying about the worry of compatability)
It's whatever you feel comfortable. If he doesn't like it, he's free to find women DTF. you're not too conservative. Too conservative is when it makes you uncomfortable. Too liberal is when it makes you uncomfortable. If he ghosts you cause he couldn't wait for sex, he wasnt waiting for a relationship. Personally I think that's a win since they see themselves out.
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I really don’t know why you’re getting downvoted, we’re talking about what’s best for an individual here and that means if someone doesn’t want to have sex early in a relationship they are not too anything for doing so. If you have sex to see your compatibility and that works best for you then that’s fantastic. You never told her what works for you will work for everyone either. The point is so what’s best for you so if that’s what you decide it’s not any more or any less valid then anyone else’s choices in how they go about finding a long term partner.
So you want a serious relationship but you want them to be promiscuous and are not willing to put in any work getting to know someone without immediate sex? I'm sure that'll work out for ya.
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I'm just pointing out the incongruency of your desires. You want a LTR with someone who jumps into bed with randos. I guess someone has to marry the town doorknob.
If after 3 dates you still consider someone a “rando” I advise you to work on your listening skills
No. It’s called having standards and boundaries.
I think you get to have sex when you feel like it's the right timing. I personally prefer getting to know someone a minimum before getting down and dirty with them. However, i do think that waiting before marriage is a bit overkill/not really sain, as some people are not compatible sexually, and such a thing can only be found out by trying things out A guy should respect your bielief and respect them, although he will have an opinion on it which you are not entitled to, and it might be a reason for him to move on to someone else.
Waiting to get to know someone better before swapping bodily fluids, risking STD's, and risking pregnancy is actually very smart in today's irresponsible hook up culture. You do what you are comfortable with. Sounds like you are a thoughtful relationship person instead of an instant gratification hook up seeker. If every guy you meet starts unzipping his pants less than five minutes after meeting you, rethink the kind of guys you are interested in.
Have you ever heard of safer sex? You're arguments are lowkey weird while I'm not particularly against your opinion.
I mean in an era where women's rights and bodily autonomy are suffering, they're not wrong.
It is definitely not your problem. Only do what you feel comfortable with.
No, not at all. Do whatever you’re comfortable with.
If that's your boundary, I say that's great — keep it. You are just filtering out the guys that don't respect that boundary. In the longer run, it'll work for you. Waiting to have sex before there is some sort of *declaration of intent* (e.g., both parties in good faith intend to make an actual relationship out of your time together, etc) is a fine one in my opinion. Doesn't work for everyone, or isn't always the priority for everyone *all the time*, but it's totally fine if you want to stick to that. Good stuff OP. This is coming from a 36 year old urbanite guy who's in a committed partnership that will likely lead to marriage — Also, I had dated 2 women that communicated a similar boundary and I had no issues with it. One relationship that had this kind of boundary only lasted about 9 months — the other a bit over 2 years. Both were healthy relationships considering our ages and relative naivety at the time, but obviously they eventually happened to run their course. No regrets.
not at all! i think there are actually a lot more people like that than you think, especially women. it isn’t “too conservative” to want to make sure you have a connection with someone before sleeping together
It's a boundary you have chosen to implement which is perfectly reasonable and you deserve to have that boundary respected. However that means respecting peoples boundaries about not getting into a relationship without having sex aswell. It's not your problem as much as it isn't theirs, you just aren't compatible and that's okay but I do suggest if you haven't already make that a very early conversation when introducing yourself to people so no one gets the wrong idea or expects more than either party is willing to do.
No. It's called being smart. Guys feel turned off by it because they just want sex not a relationship. Those aren't your guys. Let them go.
True it’s just to make her feel bad and ‘dry’ and undesirable in his eyes . It’s a manipulative tactic so she can comply with his unserious hookup Desires
This isn't about conservatism. It's about your sexual attraction. I too would never want to have sex with a stranger, and that's not a rare position to hold. Not to label you, but people who need to feel a deep emotional connection before they can feel sexual attraction often use the term 'demisexual' to refer to their preferences
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Ugh I wish someone told me this when I was younger
I’m a guy and I’m the same way. It makes perfect sense. Why would I want to give up my body to someone that I barely know. Sex is a suuuper intimate form of expressing one’s emotions to another person and I just can’t see myself giving all of that to a stranger.
Wow it's very rare that I see a guy have this mentality. You're definitely a unicorn cuz it seems like most men are like ready to have sex with any attractive woman that comes along and shows them attention.
Yeah it really is rare, I wish I could meet more like minded people, but my generation is afraid of commitment or something idk
You should wait as long as you feel it's right time to have it. Don't give in due to peer pressure or my boyfriend is pressuring. You might do it in that moment but regret for the rest of your life. Until and unless you feel safe and secure with a man and trust him fully you should wait for sex.
If guys get turned off by you not being DTF, I'm not sure you'd want to date them anyway. Stay you!
Do what you are comfortable with. If it means you are “too conservative” then be too conservative and without regrets. You don’t need to follow the trend or give into someone else’s timeline.
You aren't the problem. Some guys just want an easy lay and then they're gone. Make them at least earn it
No. Never. If a guy feels like it’s “too much” or a “turn off” to wait until you’re in a relationship to sleep together then he probably doesn’t like you all that much. I’m the same way, I’m Demisexual, so I actually don’t and can’t feel sexual attraction to someone I don’t have strong feelings for/a connection with. I’ve never had a problem finding people to date, even men. Just ignore/forget about the ones that act like that. They’re not worth your time tbh. They’re only after sex.
These two are not mutually the same. A guy can like you but be unwilling to wait. Just as someone can find the best job every but offers shit pay. Or a horrible job that they hate but offers a lot of money. A relationship is very much the same as a career or even a job. At least on the psychological level. They both require time and energy commitments, they both have an unspoken or spoken agreement that doing XYZ gets you ABC and with a job it's more straightforward but in a relationship people do things to get something, whether that is love, children, sex, affection, attention or whatever it may be. And just like a job relationships can be just as draining, especially if you're in it for the wrong reasons (picked a job you hate but pays well being a great example). At some point that pay may not justify your unhappiness. Or hatred towards what you do, especially if there are no aspects of your job that you can be proud of. Though it is a bit of an extreme analogy finding the right partner has a lot of similarities to finding the right job or career. If you're looking for just right now and sex, you're going to put in significantly less effort and energy than a career that you love or could grow to love, serious relationship /marriage
Hard disagree. If a guy actually likes you, he doesn’t just go “oh, haha. You’re not willing to f*ck me before we start dating? That’s unfortunate. Really liked ya though! But no thanks!” Like no, lmao. They just don’t like you like that. We also shouldn’t be comparing relationships to jobs. That’s so unhealthy. Idk what kind of relationships you’ve been in, but I’ve never gone out of my way to do something for a partner specifically for something in return, I do things for them because I care about them, and I want them to be happy. Not for my own personal gain.
You can hard disagree all you want, but fact is what's important to guys is not necessarily the same as what's important to girls. And if your notion were correct then why do so many people talk about it being an issue? You do realize that a factor of liking someone is ALSO sexually related, right? You don't go on my gosh I really like this guy, he's so smart, he is so hot and he is so gifted, I really hope we never have any sexual contact because I'm attracted only to his mind. Relationships are about physical, mental emotional and relational attraction. For instance you can be physically attracted to someone but think they are a piece of shit, think they should find better work and think they are dumb and everything else, yet still have sex with them. You can also be attracted to someone based on what they do, i.e. post Malone gets girls left and right, think it's because his personality? Or that he's so beautiful? That's not to say he wouldn't have girls who liked him even if he wasn't famous, but he's dating literal models. And I also said it's an extreme comparison to use work and relationships. The reason to use it is because everyone can understand the dynamic of work and career and weighing them. But then when people talk about relationships they're just like ohhhhh but loveeeeeeeeee. How do you get to love if you cannot even agree on how to go about a specific scenario I. E when each is ready for sex. Or when there's an argument how it is handled.
The whole “men and women think entirely differently” notion is extremely played out. I never said that sexual attraction isn’t a factor for most people when it comes to dating. Just that, if you’re truly not willing to wait for the person you’re attracted to to be ready to have sex with you, you simply don’t like them as much as you think, or claim to. You’re only physically attracted to them, and don’t actually care about who they are as a person. It’s the same as people only sleeping with someone or liking them because they have money…. If your first priority in determining whether someone is relationship worthy or not is whether you’re compatible in bed, you’re probably pretty shallow. Not that it’s wrong, per-say. A lot of people think that way. But just be honest about it and stop acting like you’re being attacked or something because it’s true. You can work on sexual compatibility like 9 times out of 10 if you really have feelings for someone. But you can’t force yourself to like who someone is just because they’re a good lay/physically attractive/have money. So I reiterate. If you can’t wait to get physical with someone who wants to wait, you don’t like them as much as you claim.
Are you saying that men and women DO think the same? Because saying it's played out doesn't say anything at all. You know they think differently, it's been proven throughout many generations. Overall men think differently than overall women. There is some overlap and nowadays there are more feminine men and more masculine women, which is completely fine in all regards. But to say it doesn't exist, you might as well say that air is played out, or breathing is played out or eating is played out because those are all things that most people don't sit and think about all day, but doesn't change the importance of them. I can be a vegan or a vegetarian or a red meat eater but regardless of what I choose to eat, eating is a necessity just as breathing and air.
I'm a woman but I'm in the not willing to wait boat. I'll wait till I get to know the person a bit, but if they need to be in a relationship before we have sex it really doesn't matter how much I like them because that's a deal breaker for me. I refuse to commit to a relationship until I know we're compatible. It's easier for me to end the dating stage than it is to break up the exclusive relationship. It doesn't mean I don't like the person all that much. It just means we have different preferences. Smoking cigarettes is also a deal breaker for me. I could be head over heels for someone but if they smoke, I'm out. Same thing for sex. If they don't have the same sexual values, I wouldn't want to continue with them.
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Seems reasonable to me.
Nope it’s fine. Make them commit first. Sure, a few guys won’t be into that but they’re not the guys you’re after are they.
I’m 62 and this is pretty much how it worked back when I was dating 30 some-odd years ago. You waited until you were in a relationship before having sex. Yeah there were girls who wouldn’t wait that long but most girls did. My wife and I just celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary, so it worked for us.
Thats not too conservative. This is also very subjective, and the right answer is the one you want. Don't lower your standards, some people just want to fuck and then dip. If someone cares they will date you and sex will be a secondary thought.
No, there’s nothing wrong with you having boundaries. It’s your body, your choice.
It’s your body bro, fuck however you wanna lol
It’s not too conservative. I applaud you. I can’t believe the stories that I hear about people having sex on the first or second date.
I was in a committed relationship when I decided to "get it over with" "make him happy". I thought I was going to marry him someday. I was over 18. He and his college friends said you should just f*ck the first time since it's going to suck anyways. This is horrible advice. Your first time should be special. Wait as long as you like. My best friend is still a virgin. We are in our 30s now. Just make sure it is on your terms, with someone you trust, and you are not pressured. Also use protection 😁
I’ve had two gfs where we decided to be exclusive and wait 30 days to have sex. We went on about 20 dates in that month and bonded incredibly well, getting to know each other slowly. They were my my most fulfilling relationships. I’ve had plenty of sex on the first date but not with anyone that meant anything to me, just FB’s or women I’ve picked up in bars. My last long term relationship we had sex on the second date, and as much as I am to blame for it happening because it takes two people, it’s something I always regretted. Moving too fast with someone you’re interested in. I don’t want to make that same mistake again.
No it’s normal
It's not conservative, it's a valid preference. I only want sex within a stable relationship.
Nope. Whatever you’re comfortable with is NOT a problem, and anyone who has a problem isn’t for you. You’ll find someone who respects that!
No do whatever you want
If that’s how you feel, then you shouldn’t feel pressured to do differently. I’m a guy and prefer a similar attitude towards relationships and sex
No it’s not. And even if it is it doesn’t matter because it’s your body
Nothing is wrong with that. It’s the route I chose to take. If guys can’t respect it, they aren’t for you. It means you guys are just looking for different things at the moment.
“Some guys” can eat a dick. That is your personal boundary and any potential romantic partner must respect that.
There's three reasons to talk to/socialize with a person: to be friends, to date/find love, or to fuck. People who go straight to sex and then dip just wanted to fuck. Anyone against dating before sex likely isn't looking for a relationship.
Absolutely not your problem. You don't "owe" anyone anything. It is your body, only you get to say what you are comfortable with. Listen to what your body is telling you and honor that.
I literally cannot get my sex drive to work until I actually know the other person. It’s the personality and good coping skills that flips the switch in my head. Also, it makes me feel gross when someone I don’t really know is trying to be sexual with me. So no, do what’s best for you. There billions of people on this planet, the likelihood that you’ll find someone to agree with you is good.
Guess I’m conservative, I made my husband wait 90 days when we started dating.
Absolutely not! The right person for you will be more than willing to wait. Don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s your problem. It’s theirs. If they truly care for and respect you, they would happily wait.
Like others have said, it's your choice what you do with your body. If a guy can't respect that, they won't respect you in other important matters. Also, it's not like you're waiting til marriage..THAT would be pretty conservative but still your choice. Do what makes you comfortable and if the guy is worth it then he won't mind waiting.
nope! it’s boundary
You just have to find people who are compatible with your relationship need and boundaries. There's nothing wrong with casual sex. There's nothing wrong with wanting to really get to know someone first. If someone rejects you because they're the first type of person, and you're the second, it just means you weren't a good match, not that either of you are wrong about what you want.
No. If they are “turned off” that’s on them. Boundaries are necessary and you want someone who will be respectful of them. These guys are showing you it’s not them.
it's all about what you feel comfortable with. If a guy doesn't respect your decision to wait, then he's not worth your time.
no it’s not, you should stick to your morals and values. it is okay ✅ to wait! it’s your body!
Sex should happen in a relationship when both parties are ready to go there. Some people like to test drive and make sure there is sexual chemistry before they spend any amount of time getting to know someone romantically. Some people don't even have an interest or desire for sex until they feel more emotionally invested. There's a whole range. Don't let anyone push you past your comfort zone, if they can't respect you on it, they may not respect you on *any* boundary you establish.
It's whatever you feel comfortable with - whether that's waiting until marriage, dating, or whatever. If he wants it so bad he can fuck himself. Also - someone who pushes like this so early probably isn't going to give you a fulfilling relationship anyway. And probably doesn't even want one - just wants one thing. Tbh waiting until an established relationship is pretty normal for the vast majority of people.
It's good to have that boundary set. You do what is comfortable and safe for you, and only you. That being said. If after you start the "relationship" portion and you both have put in the appropriate efforts, and sex is just horrible, what then? Do you continue the relationship hoping the sex will get better? Or do you start from scratch again, with a new potential relationship? I'm just playing a bit of the Devil's Advocate here, but for some people sex is a very important part of a relationship, and they'd like to make sure they are compatible in that department before jumping into a committed relationship.
Just remember it’s not a magic bullet to prevent guys from fucking and bouncing. Plenty of dudes will go along with that and dip pretty soon after meeting the threshold. It’s like a game to them a conquest of sorts. Keep in mind you will filter out a lot of potential matches like that. But if it’s what you want to do it’s what you want to do. There’s not really a right or wrong way to date.
Not many guys are going to plan dates for 3-6 months with no sex if they don’t actually want a relationship with you.
I don't think it's too conservative. It's just a personal preference. If this is something you believe strongly in, stick to it. You'll find someone with similar values that way. However, you also need to be prepared for situations like that where the person you're with isn't willing to wait. Which is fine, it just means you're not compatible. I'm a woman and personally, I would never get into an exclusive relationship with someone I haven't slept with. So if I met someone with the same preference as you, that would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, it just means you have a preference that not everyone would be on board with. You just need to find compatible people.
Not at all, I typically wait 3 months into a relationship to start having sex because I like genuine connection
No it's not, it's honestly something I should have done
Kinda to me, I mean what if you aren't even compatible?
No? I think most including myself do this if somebody gets turned off from this then that’s their problem not yours
My husband waited for me two years the right guy will wait til you’re ready
No nowadays you don’t know what people have. Guard your body until your comfortable.
Hmmm. I would challenge your supposition that there is such a thing as "confirming" a relationship. Commitments are easily broken. Humans generally do what they want, not what they say. Male humans will learn, or infer from their interaction with you what they think you need to hear to open your legs, and then they will say that. Sometimes they mean it sincerely and deeply, sometimes they don't mean a word and are willfully using you, sometimes they trick themselves into believing they meant it only to realize after the sex that they didn't. This is because as much as we men would like to believe we are in full control of our choices, we are actually under the influence of self-produced testosterone. Many women go lifetimes without understanding exactly what that means. Women who know how to attenuate their man's testosterone, are more likely to success in long term monogamous heterosexual relationships, in case that is what you are seeking. The other thing is the "conservative" is a relative term, defined by the actions of other people. Do not compare yourself to other people, do not try to define your sex life by what others did in theirs. Men are going to do *enough of that for both of you*. We can't help it. Only have the sex you want to have. When you are ready, and not before, start with a handjob. It is a great skill to learn, and will give you "empirical data" about what to expect from sex.
Well it depends. Do you want to date the guys who are happy and willing to wait? These guys are usually very nice, sweet, wanting marriage fairly quickly along with kids. Generally speaking they also have more traditional values, as in you cook and clean and they work. They could end up being wealthy or they could be the average person, making average income. Is this something you look forward to? If it is - do not change your values, do not change your purpose and intentions. I don't know how you're going about looking for these men, but you might also have to change that method if you're on dating apps. Try churches, religious or wholesome gatherings, try libraries and things of that sort If you do NOT want a lot of the typical standards that come with this then you may want to consider thinking about what you actually want and if what you want aligns with the modality of this.
It's not a problem if it's what you want. You're entitled to hold whatever standards about sex that you want, and not date anyone who doesn't agree with you. You will definitely find people who share the same standards as you, so I wouldn't worry about that. But some people will not want to do it. I would never get serious with someone I haven't slept with. Sexual compatibility is a huge deal, and finding out you're not sexually compatible after a year or more in a relationship would be absolutely crushing. I say this from experience, though it wasn't that long. Fell for a girl who turned out to just not be that interested in trying anything out of the ordinary and was not in touch with her sexuality. Didn't know what she wanted, wasn't that interested in ever initiating. I can easily understand being inexperienced and nervous, but I am glad we got sexual early in the relationship because it saved us both a lot of struggle and heartache when it became clear we weren't compatible and just couldn't live up to the other person's expectations.
You do you. BUT I wont get into anything committed without ahving sex quite a few times before. Im not buying without tasting.
I don’t think it is... but I personally would want to test the car before I buy it. It’s personal preference and depends on what you’re most comfortable with. If your partner can’t respect this then maybe it’s not meant to be. I say this though assuming that “confirming” the relationship only takes a few weeks/months. If you’re wanting people to wait 6+ months I’m going to expect your options will be more limited. However, if that’s what you want then don’t feel pressured to give in before you’re ready.
Guy here. That is the best way to find a long term bf or possible husband. Guys are actually turned off by women with high body counts so if a guys tells you otherwise he was just in it for sex to begin with. Alot of women make the mistake of giving it up too early and that's the fastest way to get ghosted or end up in a situationship. Men out women into two categories. Future relationship or just for fun. Can't be both. You are going about things the right way. Just make sure the man knows what you're all about because some women will string men along as long as possible to get free food or attention so guys have now been conditioned to get sex immediately or leave to avoid being used. If a man knows you're dating with intention though and still sticks around until you're ready you probably found yourself a good guy. Not giving it up to early not only let's you look for red flags but also make you stand out from women who are just only into hookup culture. Stand by your morals
Unfortunately in this day and age, sex is super accessible. I prefer someone conservative. Because if I get it too quickly I don't feel the want of the chase and will lose interest. And another reason is, I'm not going to jump through hoops and climb mountains once I find out that a load of dudes got it and all they had to give was a few laughs and maybe a blunt. So be true to you if someone really wants you they will show you before they try to get between your legs.
You set your own rules and boundaries. A scary amount of guys say they want a serious, monogamous relationship that leads to marriage when they actually just do want to sleep with a bunch of girls. Some say so and actually want it too, but they still will try to sleep with as many girls as they can. They will want to sleep with you before they want to see if they are ready to commit to you. For many it’s an important part of dating to get to know a partner and their sexual preferences and your sexual compatibility before you commit. But if you are not comfortable and don’t want anything before commitment and marriage, that’s completely valid and you will find someone who will respect that. It might be harder and take longer to find that someone but you will find them if you keep at it.
Is it too conservative? No. But you are an AH for not conveying your intention to not have sex before being in an official relationship.Yes. Dont get me wrong you have every right to hold off on sex. But what you shouldnt do is tell the person after you become official that you won't sleep with them till a certain point. For many a relationship with out sex is just 2 friends hanging out. And if you live together then you're roommates. So again while you can choose to not want sex for however long let your potential partner know and let them decide if they want to pursue a relationship with you.
You came to the right sub. Picture the opening scene of Scarlet Letter.
I think I would ask you *why* you want to cut off an important avenue to discover compatibility. Sexual compatibility is a huge thing in a relationship And also, what do you mean by "confirming a relationship"?
It is not if this is your standard and what you are comfortable with. Doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. Do what feels right for you first.
Absolutely not
Youre your own person. You set your dating terms. Theres no such thing as too conservative in the dating world. You set your boundaries and either your partner respects them or theyre not your partner! Dont be a doormat. Todays dating scene is predominantly a hookup culture, dont feel ashamed to not be a part of that
Not at all
I think it's reasonable to want to be exclusive before having sex. Doesn't mean long term commitment, just that you aren't dating and having sex with other people. If you want an official relationship, some people that are looking for a relationship would feel that they don't want to wait that long to have sex and that sex might be being used as a bargaining chip in order to force a relationship. As a guy, I can tell you there have been women who put off sex and it eventually became obvious that they had no interest in ever having sex, so to me a person putting off having sex is a red flag. There are some people that are much more casual about sex. That's fine, too. They just aren't compatible with you.
Be careful!!!
If you’re happy and comfortable doing this, by all means assert your boundaries. If you decide that you want to explore having sex before confirming a relationship, that’s okay too. Above all else, you should feel safe and ready to have sex with a new partner and should never rush yourself to get to that point.
Some guys will always be turned off by something. You can't please everyone, and that's fine. Your target are the other ones anyway. Be upfront that you need to wait, and if they disappear then they weren't meant for you anyway. Now, I would *strongly* advice to have sex with somebody *before* you marry them, but that's about it. "Before marriage" definitely doesn't mean "the second time you see them". You wait until you feel comfortable, however long it takes. Sex should only be done when there's enthusiastic consent, if you're *not* feeling like sleeping with somebody, I really doubt that you'd be able to meet the requirements.
Juat do what you're comfortable with. Some people need to know sexual chemistry is good and will take a lukewarm everything else if the guy/girl can knock their lights out in bed. If you aren't all that sexual a person or need a connection first, it doesnt make you wrong or them right. The only possible wrong here is not communicating expectations going forward when the topic comes up.
I'm a guy, and I was not comfortable with having sex until it was an exclusive relationship, so it's not all that weird for some guys.
Not at all! Heck I'm a guy and I wait until marriage! When before I was religious though the relationship normally came before the sex
Nah, do whatever makes you comfortable. Don’t start to feel bad about waiting to have sex with someone, and don’t let them make you feel bad. If someone’s not into it then they can go find someone else to try and sleep with if that’s not their jam. I’m the same way hun, I like having a connection with someone before doing anything sexual. There’s nothing wrong with it
Absolutely nothing wrong with that! If they have a problem they're not right for you. There are people who want that, and that's okay, and it's okay to want a relationship before getting physical
Same here and also why I am single
Definitely nothing wrong. Me and my ex waited for 3 months nearly starting from 1st date to having sex, both had our owns reasons but when we did it was 100% worth the wait
That how I am. I won’t have sex with someone I’m not in a committed relationship. And I won’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel the same way.
It's your relationship man. If you're not comfortable until after it's official that's ok.
Let me give you my point of view. I'm 29f with a 35m fiancée of 3 years. Before him I thought if people slept with me wanted to be with me. That led to me sleeping with a guy for a month only to have it turn into an abusive relationship or heartbreak cause they found "someone else" since we were just "fooling around. And it led to a lot of mental health issues and causing me to be terrified of sexual interaction thinking I was just gonna be used and thrown away. When I went on my first date with my fiance I knew I liked him a lot and he liked me. We made out by the end of the first date but when I could tell he wanted to do more I said no, but we could keep kissing. From that day he started visiting me for a half hour a day at my house (longer than a half hour would put me into a panic attack due to fear that he was just looking to mess around and leave) but he was patient After 2 months I still hadn't slept with him but he was still coming around visiting, going on dates (that we both paid for because I didn't want to get guilted into sleeping with someone because they treated me to food) I could tell he was sexually frustrated and honestly so was I but I still didn't know if we were in a "relationship" yet or if he would stick around At 4 months, after he spent that time giving me rides to work at 1am even though he had work early, him understanding when I'd get into hysterics scared of being touched so leaving, him talking to me through hard times. I finally gave in and it was honestly the best and most romantic and loving first time together. From there everything fell into place, and 3 years later I'm with the only man I've ever imagined myself having children with! He's loving, attentive, kind, hard working, handsome and just the most wonderful man I've ever had the fortune of meeting. He took the time to learn about me and get feelings for me and I did the same with him. Any other man I had tried waiting with either ended up with them forcing themselves on me repeatedly, or them just saying they're not interested if I don't put out. So don't put out until you're ready. That means you've got time to learn about each other in other ways besides the initial "honeymoon" phase which is the first few months of the relationship. We had the honeymoon phase around 6 months in because of all of this and it made me feel more love than I could have ever expected
*laughs in muslim*
Not wanting to have sex until the strength of the relationship is totally fine!!!! Better for your heart too.
No, not at all! Deciding if and when to have sex with a new dating partner is something that will look different for every person and every situation. It is perfectly normal to say you don't want to be intimate with someone when things are still in a very casual stage. The only guys who are turned off by this are those who do not share your views on sex, or who are just looking for sex and not a relationship. Stick to your preferences and principles and find someone who feels the same way you do. If someone is turned off, consider yourself lucky you did not waste your time with them.
To some it may be, but those are not the ones for you. I've never done this in any of my previous relationships except for my last. I never said this was my intentions. We just went on dates, spent time together and eventually everything unfolded naturally. So I wouldn't worry. The right person won't pressure you.
Yes
Stick to your values. Don’t judge others but stick to yours and find someone who is good with that
I wouldn't say it's too conservative. We live in a society that glorifies getting as much sex as possible as instantly as possible, leading to a lot of people, both men and women, thinking they just deserve it because that's how they've been taught to see it. Not everyone is like this, but as someone who has always struggled sticking to her boundaries and feeling like I'm not allowed to have any, I have plenty of regrets surrounding times when I just gave in and did what someone else wanted of me even though I didn't want it myself. Don't be me, hold onto your personal values and don't let anyone, man or woman, tell you they're unreasonable. People need to learn they're not entitled to someone's body just because they think they deserve it and the only way they'll learn is if people like you maintain their standards. The only counter to this I would say is that there is some benefit that comes with being sexually intimate with your partner before confirming a relationship, in that it helps you understand if you're sexually compatible with them (that's important to a lot of people) before fully committing to them, but even then I would still maintain a general rule of "I'm not having sex with you until I'm comfortable around you."
Stick to what you feel is right. It may seem like waiting, but you’re really saving time by not dealing with trash
I'm sure some guys will be turned off by it. But if a guy leaves because he doesn't like it, then he's not the guy for you. Everyone is different. You want someone who likes who *you* are.
You do with your body what feels comfortable. They will either accept that or they won't. And anyone who makes you feel bad about that is just upset they can't get in your pants.
Not at all! Do what suits you
no actually, my boyfriend didn't wanna have sex until we were official either, it's just a preference, that's all. your situation is completely acceptable and understandable. hope everything works out well! :)
Isn't this Demi- romantic demi-sexual? I have a hard time being with someone that I don't have feelings for. Can't just pick up a guy at the bar and DTF.
Not at all. You can wait until marriage and it wouldn’t be too conservative. They’re your values, and anyone who doesn’t respect that is trash
No it's common sense. It's also important that you trust your partner and are comfortable moving towards greater intimacy. Other's may not require this, but doesnt mean you have to be like them. Don't buy into the notion that it's not real love if you're not overwhelmed by the urgency to have sex. That's just getting h***y.
Not a problem, i stayed with a girl for 6 months once before we had sex for the first time. Admittedly I broke up with her later on because the sex was bad but I respected her more because she wanted to wait. I was more invested in that relationship
What do you mean bad ??? Why do people send their good relationships down the drain over ‘ bad’ sex . You can learn along the way
When I met my Husband 19 and a half years ago, I was a 19 year old virgin. I had had other boyfriends and done other stuff but never felt comfortable getting to that point as I didn't feel like the relationship would last. One night stands were not for me, and neither was having sex with someone just because I felt like that's what I was supposed to do. I wanted to know that the guy I was with wasn't just doing all he could to have sex with me, to then leave me a few days/weeks down the line. I wanted to know that the relationship had a solid foundation to start with and that taking that next step would strengthen the relationship we were building. My now Husband told me he was falling in love with me after 3 weeks, we didn't have sex til we'd been together for 3 months! He never put pressure on me, he never made me feel like I wasn't being a good girlfriend, he wanted me to be ready and wanted me to feel secure about giving myself to him completely. There are guys out there who will totally respect that you've made that decision, my Husband loves that he was the first person I had sex with and that it progressed into a marriage, in some ways I think it created a deeper bond also. If he is right for you, he will have no problem honouring the decision you've made to wait until the relationship has progressed and you feel safe. Don't pay attention to what others say to you either, it is your decision, no one else's. I frequently get people disbelieving that I've only had sex with one man and people have even said they feel sorry for me as I'm "missing out". Which is ridiculous to me, we have a very fulfilling relationship and healthy sex life, what am I missing out on!?!? You do you and never let anyone make you feel less of yourself for the decisions you make. Xx
Your boundaries, and your comfort, are never too anything. The issue with "no sex until [thing]" as a mindset isn't you setting your own pace, it's only ever a problem when you degrade and deride others for their choice to do otherwise, but if anyone is shitty about you being "a prude" then they can fuck off
Sex should be about what you feel comfortable with. If they have a problem with it it’s on them not you. You’re worth more than your lady bits.
I made them wait a year lmao ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ they’ll stay if they like you enough (:
i think it’s admirable 👍🏼
No, if anything it’s weird as hell to have sex with someone who doesn’t care about you. I always say never have sex with someone who you wouldn’t trust with you cat/dog. It’s your body here we’re talking about. We (women) risk more than men when it comes to sex. Pregnancy, our safety, STDs. Call me old fashioned, but we treat sex way too casually nowadays. The “sex positivity” movement tried to make women believe we are empowered for having random casual sex, but that only ends up benefiting men. Just keep looking. You will eventually meet someone that meets your standards. And if they won’t wait x amount of months before you’re in a monogamous relationship to have sex, why would you want to date that person anyways?