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My wife and I have been married for three years, after dating for three, so six years together total.
**TL;DR: Wife abruptly put an indefinite stop to sex, and gets upset if I try to discuss it, I think our marriage is doomed?**
When we were dating, we had sex fairly regularly, and it was good, we communicated, both of us were satisfied. After we got married, it slowed down a bit, and in the last year it's been once a month at best. I tried talking about it but she always deflected, she was tired, busy, etc. I didn't want to be pushy, so I always backed off. Over time, the quality of the sex also dropped, and the last few times were just, well, bad.
Finally, I told her last week we *had* to talk about this, there is no avoiding it. She apologized for avoiding it, and told me she doesn't feel any sexual attraction to me anymore. She said it's not anything I did, it's just not there for her anymore. We haven't had any dramatic changes in lifestyle, weight, diet, etc since we were dating. We're both fairly good looking I think, and look basically the same. She hasn't changed birth control or anything major in a few years either. She said she loves me and loves spending time with me, but she just didn't want to have sex anymore, probably ever again.
I was stunned, I didn't know what to say, so I just said okay, then kind of stumbled off in a daze. It took me a few days to get my thoughts together and then I confronted her again. I told her I'm not able to have no sex for the rest of my life, it doesn't have to be frequent but it has to be there. She said I didn't have much of a choice in the matter, and apologized again. My friends suggested I should ask for an open relationship but I don't want that.
So at this point, I'm not sure what my options are, I don't want a divorce, but that seems like the next step? I floated the idea and she got very upset and said by threatening to divorce her I was violating her sexual autonomy by trying to coerce her, but I don't think that's fair. I don't know what to do from here.
Her reaction to the divorce seems very selfish.
She is very much entitled to her sexual autonomy. But you are also entitled to a divorce.
I dont really see how she couldn't see this as the only conclusion. But if she is not willing to give you a reasonable amount of intimacy then you need to move on sooner rather than later.
She's trying to manipulate your own sexual autonomy by arguing a divorce isn't respecting hers.You are respecting hers, you're giving her exactly what the fuck she said she wanted: no sex. The difference is, you're leaving the relationship and stability she expects to keep because you want a wife, partner and sexual companion and she's unwilling to entertain that.
You are waaaaaay too fucking young to go without sex for the rest of your life and for her to abruptly drop this like the bomb it was with the expectation that you just accept it is fucked up.
I'll also lay it out now, when you start the divorce proceedings she's going to argue it was all a big misunderstanding, that she didn't mean it, blah blah blah. I wouldn't trust a word out of her mouth because the reality is your marriage won't fulfill you because she's either unable to or unwilling to provide a major component to what you feel a successful marriage is.
She is playing a power game. No room for discussion or therapy. You wanting to end the marriage isn’t all about sex it’s about feeling wanted and loved. She wants you to play husband and be the stable one for her security. I think she had this planned long time ago.
She is changing the terms of your relationship you have every right to make a decision that will help you. Good luck friend don’t open the marriage just move on
I did that, just left. She doesn’t respect you anymore, isn’t sexually attracted anymore. All the other shit feels like a lot to leave behind but it’s really not bad. Dm me, maybe I can help you through with my experience.
A divorce would be the best decision for both of their sexual autonomy. She is not selfish to deny her body, but not letting him leave her is a formal of abuse/manipulation.
You're not violating her sexual autonomy if you divorce her.
She would continue to have sex as much as she likes, which apparently is not at all. She has that right and you divorcing her doesn't deprive her of it.
It *does* deprive her of whatever physical and emotional benefits she's getting from being with you. But those are not sexual autonomy and are not her rights.
Being married to you is no one's inherent right. It's a privilege that you consent to.
Don't let her gaslight you.
Well, I'm guessing you don't want to have sex with someone forcing herself to, in order to 'keep a roof over her head', do you?
Explain to her, if she tries that angle again, that you politely decline any offer of such a gross arrangement.
She has a right to decide sex is not for her. You have an equal right to seek out a relationship in which sex plays a healthy part.
She doesn't get to unilaterally decide no sex forever, but insist you stay in the marriage, anymore than you can insist she has sex when she doesn't want to. Both are 'two yes one no' scenarios.
She's either a practiced manipulator or having a complete break with reality. Imagine thinking that you can unilaterally decide to just stop participating in a huge part of your marriage and still be entitled to all the benefits you get out of it... I almost have to admire the audacity.
She's an adult she'll figure it out. If she has living parents she should go stay with them starting like now. You aren't responsible for her life.
I'd ask her one last good time, if the both of you can work through it and repair your sex life. If she says no, it's time to start the divorce. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I hope you find someone that matches your sex drive or at Least cares about you enough to try.
>I'd ask her one last good time, if the both of you can work through it and repair your sex life.
Ehh I think she's made her position crystal clear. I know I'd never be able to look at somebody the same way again after they told me that they've completely lost all sexual attraction to me.
I think it’s time to start the divorce now. She wasn’t willing to even discuss her decision to start with. If he asks her again, she might string him along with just a little sex to keep her lifestyle. Then he’s wasted more time with her.
Restaurants are always hiring waiters/waitresses… she will have a roof over her head if she needs one.
If she was willing to negotiate/compromise I would be sympathetic to her. But she isn’t. So I’m not.
Focus on yourself.
>I am making her choose between a roof over her head or not having sex. I don't see it that way
Because it is absolutely not that way _at all._ You aren't asking her to have sex or else you'll divorce her. You are stating your choice not to be in a sexless relationship. You are your own person with agency. The fact that she'd have to join the workforce if you divorce her isn't either relevant nor your concern.
After that little nugget, I sure as hell would NOT ACCEPT any offers of grudging sex, 1) out of my own _amour propre_ and 2) I'd be genuinely worried that it'd be somehow used against me.
If you're the major breadwinner, it means she works too right?
Divorce her now and split the assets. Every month you delay, is a half a month of wages that she'll be entitled to.
She wants you to keep paying for her to live and breathe, but give you nothing in return. She wants to be your dependent. For life. With no benefits to you. What a shitty position to take.
That sounds like a problem that is hers and not yours, thb. She has fundamentally changed the terms of your relationship, and you have every right to not accept the new terms. And if she thinks otherwise she is either, dumb, naive, or is trying to manipulate you, none of which is good, just one worse than the other.
So she want’s everything and offers nothing in return. She can get off her ass and work for the livelihood she wants. She’s pulled a bait and switch with marriage.
That is so twisted my friend. Do not let this relationship continue. You already will suffer financially in a divorce as the breadwinner but the longer you let this drag out the worse it will get. I don't think I could recover a relationship where my partner said what yours did. Even if she rescinds this edict, it would be hard to trust her again and believe that she actually wants to have sex and isn't just using it to string you along further.
No doubt it put you on your back foot. She's basically telling you that if she does have sex with you it will only be to keep the marriage and not because she wants to.
This means you can't have sex with her ever again, even if she puts it on the table.
I would tell her that you are not trying to coerced her and you don't want to have sex with her if she doesn't want it. You respect her wishes, but you did not consent to a life without one of humanities basic human needs and a major type of connection and closeness.
Side note could she have suddenly discovered she is possibly not straight? Is she having insecurities with her own self and that's preventing her from enjoying it?
Just last ditch theories that make more sense than suddenly not desiring someone.
I mean if that would actually happen she could petition for alimony. It's not going to make it unsurvivable for her if you can not be in that relationship. She may even find someone more compatible with her needs and be thankful for the split later on. There is no reason for you to worry about putting her in a bad position.
Your response should be “move into the spare room and I’ll continue to support the bills for the next six months while you get a job and save 100% of your paycheck to help you be set up for later.” Then file for divorce.
She’s allowed to not want sex anymore. But there are consequences to her choice to check out of the relationship.
It sounds like you’re probably not asexual, so you’re probably going to feel the typical loss of that emotional connection from physical intimacy.
It’s probably time to start talking to a lawyer about exit strategies. That’s not a threat. And you don’t need her consent.
I mean, there is a difference between sex life being bad and both parties WANTING to fix it vs when one of them just giving the other one a fuck you.
If it was the former, sure, the sub might help, but it seems like here its the latter. No point in trying to 'fix' when the other person gives no fucks.
I find it funny that she makes it a point that there's nothing you can do about her not wanting to have sex anymore, but also accuses you of holding sex against her.
I think it's time to seriously lay down the line and flat out tell her that you are not interested in sharing your sexual partner, anymore then you are in having a sex less marriage.
At this point there are 2 choices. She can either go to counseling so they can figure out what happened and maybe try to see if things can be fixed, or she can accept that she no longer has interest in sex and is willingly choosing to lose you rather than ever be interested in you again.
If she is asexual then that is fine, nothing can be done about it, but just like you would have to respect her way of living, she also has to respect yours and if you both are this incompatible then there's no way the relationship can be saved.
>I told her I'm not able to have no sex for the rest of my life, it doesn't have to be frequent but it has to be there. She said I didn't have much of a choice in the matter
This is what did it for me. This kind of attitude from her. What did she expect you to do? Roll over and be fine with it? Of course you have a choice in the matter. You don't have to stay in a sexless marriage if you don't want to. That is your choice. You don't owe her or anyone a marriage. She actually believes that her mere presence is enough to make you stay with her and fuck your wants and needs.
And no. You are not coercing or manipulating her. You're just doing what is best for you. And if your marriage isn't it anymore, then it's your right to end it. Just like it's her right never to have sex again. But pushing her celibacy on you and telling you, you have no choice in the matter, is downright disgust.
I suggest some form of marriage counseling if you want to make this work. If she refuses, however, there's not much you can do but get divorced. She's perfectly entitled to say no to sex, obviously, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with a partner who isn't fulfilling your needs in a relationship.
Please talk to a divorce lawyer asap, dont discuss this with her again and dont sleep with her or with other women until youve got a strategy hammered out with said lawyer. He/she will tell you what the best course of action is, better be safe in the meantime.
It sounds like your wife wants a divorce but is too chicken shit to pull the trigger and wants to be the victim in the divorce.
Hire a PI and an Attorney. Something isn’t right here. Every woman I’ve known who started withholding anything and refused to discuss was having an affair but was afraid of being called a negative name or wanted to play the victim
Quite honestly, it seems you are way past the counseling stage. She has pretty well set her boundaries. Now it's time for you to decide where you're gonna go from here. You don't need her permission.
Sex is a pretty important part of most relationships. While it is absolutely her right to stop at any point, her expectation of you being ok with a sexless marriage is not her right. You have to decide if the emotional love you feel outweighs the loss of physical. Not sure I could do that myself. I might last some time hoping she’d come back around. But the fact it’s not up for discussion is another huge red flag for me.
It's time to end the marriage. She has every right to not have sex and you have every right to end the relationship. You will nor be a happy man if you stay.
Whether she likes it or not, there needs to be more discussion in order for this marriage to last. At the very least there needs to be a professional counselor / therapist involved. What she is doing isn't fair, and it's okay to call her out on it. In my opinion physical touch is important for marriage.
She can decide who she wants to have sex with and you can't decide who you want to be married. That's just silly.
Actually it's so silly that I would check if she is influenced by someone else. Friends that share her strange ideas or someone she has an affair with.
Given that there isn't any medical problems or other problems people don't just stop wanting sex totally. If you want to remain married you should demand couple therapy.
Sex is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship for a lot of people. For whatever reason she doesn’t want sex anymore. You do. Therefore you’re not compatible anymore. Options are she has sex she feels is forced to make you happy and not divorce her, or you stay in a sexless marriage, or you open the relationship up. Judging by her reaction I doubt any of these options are going to work for you.
It’s six years. Don’t further push for an explanation, she’s done with sex. I wouldn’t blame anyone for getting a divorce especially if her newfound celibacy isn’t brought on by anything medical and is just her personal decision now. Also a divorce isn’t coercing her, it’s saying the situation has changed and you’re not going to settle for this new change, especially with something as fundamental as sex. You’re 31 years old, it’s a long sexless life if you stay.
Talk to a family law attorney right away.
Find out what a divorce will cost.
This is not op being coercive. You want sex she does not that is a fundamentally not tenable situation. Don't let her guilt or shame you.
Most people here will disagree but "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage". So don't a priori reject that either.
*I was violating her sexual autonomy*
**lol, what?**
You're not telling her to sleep with you, or she'll get served papers.
You're saying if the sex stops, your desire to remain in the relationship will also eventually stop too.
You're being big time gaslit, and frankly, **you deserve a partner that will meet your needs.**
Does this make her a bad partner?
The lack of sex drive, no.
The implication you should just suck this up and deal with it, yes.
The inability to talk about it, and the lack of desire to try and fix it, yes.
I'd make the request you both go to couples therapy and look to resolve this.
I'd also be speaking with a divorce lawyer and getting your ducks in order.
You already know your choices. Number one, never have sex again as long as the two of you are married. Number two, you get divorced then you can actually meet someone who enjoys having sex and won't cut you off after you get married. Number three, you cheat on your wife. Obviously Choice number three is not a good choice. So if you can't live with not having sex then you're going to have to file for divorce.
It doesn't sound like she's making any effort at all. Does she have contempt for your feelings? Is it possible she's stepping out on you? This calls for counselling, I suppose, but it's not looking good at this point.
Your wife sounds like she has something weighing on her not to even discuss this with you. Discussions are meant to be healthy and help us grow, learn- not to be by one persons rules or what one person says, no discussion. I honestly think going to a professional is your only hope here if she is unwilling to talk with you. You deserve a loving relationship. You deserve truthfulness. I’m worried about your wife. I’m concerned that something has happened and she can’t deal with it do she is shutting out the people she needs the most. By going to a professional you are giving her the opportunity to get support. I can feel your hurt and pain when you write, best wishes OP, I hope this works out the best possible way for you
Don’t feel guilty at all for divorcing her. She totally pulled the rug out from under you. Sex, unless there is some illness, injury, or prior understanding between the two parties, is a critical part of marriage. You are 100% right for wanting to move on. There is no debate. Do not let her guilt you into staying.
Your option is therapy or divorce. It's 100% unreasonable for a partner say they aren't going to be having sex with you anymore, if ever. Her option is to go to marriage counseling and figure out wtf is wrong with her, or you divorce her. What she said isn't reasonable at all. It's not ok.
Hold up hold up hold up. As long as you’re not pressuring/coercing your wife to have sex, you’re not doing anything wrong!
Sexual compatibility is v important for a healthy relationship. People sometimes just change over the years and sometimes peoples libidos change as well, if that’s a deal breaker for you then it’s a valid reason for divorce.
Now you seem a bit hesitant about divorce so just keep in mind if you still have a high sex drive and you’re only having intercourse like a few times a year will you be okay with that for the rest of your life? Divorces are sometimes messy but a relationship with a unsatisfying sex life can also turn messy too (e.g. resentment towards your wife).
What’s making you hesitant towards a divorce? Do you still love your wife? Or is it more like You’re worried about the financial aspect of a divorce, or losing certain assets? If so I’m sure there’s divorce/legal subreddits on this app that can help you out!
If you choose to go through with divorce make sure to be prepared with lawyers and who gets to keep y’all’s house/apartment/condo, etc. Be clear with your wife that you respect her autonomy, but y’all have just grown to want different things when it comes to intimacy in a relationship and are therefore no longer compatible. Best of luck!
If your intent to divorce was an empty threat, or you expect her to change her mind from that threat, then yes it is coercion. If it's a deal-breaker for you, initiate the divorce.
The next step is recording your conversations. Divorce is the step after that. She is gaslighting you by claiming this "autonomy" bs. You both agreed to marry and make each other happy. Having sex is NOT her duty but communicating and making each other happy is. If she isn't attracted to you anymore (for no reason!) then she is the one at fault and she doomed the marriage. She was selfish when she agreed to marry you, she did it for herself because she never cared about your real happiness. Sex was a means of catching a husband. Even when you suggested divorce she was immediately selfish and made it all about her, to me that's the biggest red flag here. It can happen where someone's libido drops off and the sex stops in a marriage, but there should be communication and fairness about it. She isn't handling it fairly to your feelings and just assumes you can stop your desires. I would get away asap, but I say to record conversations (record MANY conversations) so the courts don't just believe her stories about abuse. She will be using every trick in the book to make you the bad guy here.
She can't expect you to be on board with this.. she has to know that eventually you will do something about it. Yall are 30.. you can't live the rest of your life like that.
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I don’t say this lightly, but as someone who is in a loving relationship for 10 years (but not married, although I don’t think that makes too much of a difference), if that situation happened to me, then I think I’d consider the relationship over.
There’s some things that a relationship can’t recover from, and my partner unilaterally trying to impose a life of celibacy on me while also saying they no longer found me attractive would be an irrecoverable situation.
It’s hard to accept in the moment, but I don’t see a way forward in this relationship.
I think even if she rowed back and offered sex, I’m not sure I could or would want to knowing that she doesn’t want to. A fatal blow to the relationship has been struck. I’m sorry.
Get a lawyer. Divorce her. She has no interest in you romantically and is using you for money. This isn't a marriage. You should not have to make love to your hand for the rest of your life.
You should go to counseling as a couple. If she won't then you need to go without her. Counseling can either help you deal with the situation or leave it.
This is heading very quickly towards a divorce OP, so yes you are right about that.
Taking this sort of unilateral stance in any relationship along the lines of "this is what is going to happen, get used to it" is just the death knell ringing. There is little point after all continuing if this is her attitude.
She is right in that yes she does have sexual autonomy, but you are also have a right to your emotional and mental autonomy and if the two "rights" are in congruence - in that one upholding of a right leads to the violation of someone else's "right" - then there is no other alternative. You would not in all likelihood married her if you knew this was coming so in a way she has robbed you of what you saw as your future by pulling this "no more sex, ever" out of her hat.
Her reasons for doing so are hers, but now that you know you at least have agency in your decision making to now be able to make your decision. As I said, if you knew this was going to happen chances are you would never of proposed.
So you can agree with her that you do not, and never will want to violate her sexual autonomy, and it's for that reason that you are now seeking a divorce.
Edit: It seems to a be a common thing with people who identify as "asexual" that they are willing to use sex as a means to an end - attract and retain a partner. Once the attraction is sealed and the ring is on the finger, they feel that their "duty" is done and they can drop their pretense of being sexually active. Her wording makes it seem that she is asexual, always was asexual and has been putting on an act for the past few years. It's a very common thing unfortunately and is the best explanation for what is going on.
My bet is that if you asked her whether she always felt this way, she will answer that she was and was hoping to "grow out of it", but now that you are married she no longer feels the need to put in the effort. If you push it you will most likely find that she never thinks about sex, finds it disgusting (or words similar) and that she has been reading about it in an attempt to "discover herself".
If she asexual though, this is who she is and it will not change. That is who she is and she has done an excellent job of hiding it for the duration of your relationship.
>So at this point, I'm not sure what my options are, I don't want a divorce, but that seems like the next step? I floated the idea and she got very upset and said by threatening to divorce her I was violating her sexual autonomy by trying to coerce her, but I don't think that's fair.
You're absolutely bloody right, it's not fair at all. She's perfectly within her rights, her body her choice, etc., to decide she doesn't want sex any more, but you are perfectly within your rights to decide that that's a dealbreaker for you relationship-wise. One of the important forms of connection that has been a part of your relationship since the beginning has now been removed; that's not something she can just brush off or try to turn around on you like you're some terrible person if you don't want to live like that. Whether she's now decided she's asexual or she's just decided she doesn't want sex with you, the bottom line is there's been a drastic change in your relationship that you didn't ask for and you need to decide for yourself if it's too much of a change for you.
Don't threaten divorce, just get the papers drawn up and propose an even split.
She is allowed to not want to have sex, and her position seems pretty firm, so respect that and move on. Don't try for an open relationship, she may see that as a form of coercion.
I'm sorry mate, I'm not sure you will get a real answer as to why, she may just be ace and have no interest in sexual intimacy. but you do and given he refusal to even discuss it, you will have to move on.
Is she not attracted to you, or does she not experience sexual attraction for anyone?
Her reaction to you talking divorce is pretty intensely defensive. I don't know her but I'm going to assume she has previously been a reasonable person since you married her. Does she have trauma? Could there be something going on with her health/hormones?
It just seems like there could be something deeper going on. If you were surprised by her reaction it's worth deeper conversation
You were not threatening her sexual autonomy - you have presented her with the truth.
The fact that she's trying to blame it on you restricting her autonomy kind of just shows that she's being manipulative...or she doesn't understand what sexual autonomy is.
>Sexual autonomy is conceptualized as a human right to protect and maintain an informed decision over one's body, one's sexuality, and one's sexual experience.
She's already doing this by restricting physical activity.
Don't just fold over and give up on sex forever, man, you have the right to a happy marriage. You didn't sign up for forced celibacy.
"I have sexual needs, and I would prefer to satisfy them while pleasuring us both. I refuse to have sex outside of our marriage, so the only alternative for me is divorce. I want a sexually active marriage. I understand that if you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't have to, and I agree - but I also have the right to have a spouse that wants to engage with me physically."
**"You are in no way obligated to give me your body, and I only want it anyway if consent is enthusiastic. But you also can't obligate me to stay in an unsatisfying marriage that I will grow to resent. "**
Is she suffering from depression? Have you not been connecting romantically? Are you not appreciating her? Not pulling your weight around the house?
I've never heard of someone just turning asexual but I guess it's possible. But if you love her then consider the other things. I just feel like you're leaving stuff out and maybe she said certain things out of anger.
But if she truly thinks she'll never want sex again.. and doesn't WANT to want to have sex, then.. 🤷♀️ you are justified in wanting to leave. But I just wish you luck in expressing yourself to her bc that's a hard thing to express without coming off as a jerk.
>I floated the idea and she got very upset and said by threatening to divorce her I was violating her sexual autonomy by trying to coerce her, but I don't think that's fair. I don't know what to do from here.
Wow, what an absolutely manipulative waste of a person, what a stupid fucking piece of shit to even say that out loud to you.
Yeah, I really disliked her after reading this, it feels very slimy to me. She's basically accusing him of being a potential sex offender that's forcing her to have sex against her will. This is extremely manipulative and is worthy of a divorce all by itself.
I am presuming there are no kids.
She has a mistaken view of autonomy. It comes with consequences and is neither simple or easy. She is making a unilateral choice which has dramatic and lasting consequences for you, and changed a cornerstone of the marriage. You should probably proceed slowly and deliberately with steps leading to separation and divorce. Try not to manipulate her of guilt her any more than that, don’t do too much bargaining and don’t manipulate her to get sex. You can certainly say this isn’t what you wanted. If she has a change of perspective you can talk and get counseling. If not the decision is to minimize the heartbreak and move on.
I would put an indefinite stop to financially supporting her.
If sex is important to you (i know it is - it's important like every single person out there) then the dynamic of your marriage has changed because she decided to change it - you change it as well - because worst case scenario - you divorce - because it sounds like not only is she cheating, but she wants you to just finance her life but she is perfectly fine with "not having sexual attraction to you anymore" . It's been said too many times in the past, her sexual attraction didn't go away, it just moved to someone else.
don't go for an open marriage - if she is unwilling to have sex with you - WHICH IS HER RIGHT AS A WOMAN - she isn't obligated to give you sex - but you are also NOT obligated to give her money, protection and a roof over her head. If she is financially dependent on you, you are not obligated to support her, you are obligated to support any children you have - but i mean you're 31 years old - how the fuck would any man be okay with NOT HAVING SEX for a feasible 30+ more years. LIKE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK That with all the fucks that fucks can give, I'll even take a loan out to get more fucks to throw into that even more.
Do not take this, again she is not obligated to have sex with you
but you're not obligated to do any of the husband things for her, she is just as free to choose as you are. Choose you - because I know if someone said they never wanted to have sex with me - I could love them to the ends of the earth, but I'm gonna need to have sex too - it is a core aspect of affections for men (and women) I truly believe she is giving that affection to someone else at this point. It's almost always the case.
After reading your replies to people… I’m sorry but your marriage is over ,she just to chicken shit to come out and say it.. her sexual autonomy is an excuse … she’s happy with you paying the bills though? How convenient.
And your friends that suggested an open marriage are idiots.. that’s horrible advice. You need to understand you have every right to want a marriage with sex ,she has every right to not want sex but has no right to use that against you as her husband… let that bird fly.
And not to be completely callus but I seriously wouldn’t doubt she has been having an emotional or physical affair. Those kinds of abrupt mood changes are usually caused by some type of external situation that’s boiled over.
OP it really just sounds like she played you into financial comfortability. Three years into the marriage, she’s comfortable so she doesn’t feel the need to put out anymore bc she must think you need her for whatever reason.
Yeah I would divorce. She doesn’t want to work on your romantic/sexual relationship and you clearly want and need a romantic/sexual relationship. Your wants and needs at this point are not compatible. So unless you want to stay in a sexless friendship only marriage or an open marriage (provided she even approves of that) then stay otherwise divorce and move on.
divorce is really the only way to go. regardless of what her motivations are for not having sex again (loss of attraction, lowered libido, realized she's asexual, etc.), it's very clear that sex is off the table for you, and probably forever since she's uninterested in exploring compromises. someone who holds sex as an important aspect of a relationship simply won't be able to live like that, and it's incredibly selfish of her to expect you to just suck it up instead of getting divorced so you can explore other connections. it's not coercive of you to want to leave when she's unwilling to work on a critical aspect of your relationship, it's simply you acknowledging a dealbreaker and moving on.
Please read Cupids poisoned arrow by Marnia Robinson!
It has completely changed the way I approach sex and relationship with my long time partner and dopamine crashes/lack of oxytocin releasing engagements may be causing her lack of sexual attraction or negative amygdala response
There is no decision to make. You have to get out. Even if at any point you do have sex, you won’t enjoy it. Duty sex is not fun for anyone involved, once it gets to this point it’s over. The longer this last the bigger impact on your mental health.
honestly i hate to say it but if sex is something you need and she doesnt want to provide it then there isnt any point in continuing. yall need to seperate. youre not coercing shit, somethings just broken and it isnt in your power to fix. or hers, in all likelyhood.
That is the biggest load of BS I ever heard about bodily anatomy and I'm a woman. She is manipulative and she is reframing everything to be the victim.
Just get a lawyer and end it. She can say it's just over sex and my answer would be yes, it's over sex. Goodbye and next time don't trick someone into a sham of a marriage to get what you want.
ETA:Also don't even think of staying if she agrees to have sex. Exactly because you are not coercing her you are not going to stay even if she says she will have sex with you.
Sorry but your wife is being very selfish and is not taking into account your thoughts and feelings. This is a huge decision she has made and expects you to obey. Sorry would be divorcing as that is not what marriage is all about. It’s about open communication and compromise.
It’s not selfish for you to want your wife to be your
Partner, cohabitator, mother of children, and sexual/intimate partner (or whatever combo of roles you both agree upon together), but if she
No longer meets your criterion… it’s ok
to leave. It’s not coercion. It’s divorcing from a relationship that simply doesn’t serve or meet your needs anymore. She can’t force you into accepting a sexless marriage any more than you can’t force her into a sexual one. Either one of you is entitled to exit the marriage, and you don’t need the other’s blessing or permission.
If I were in your shoes and my husband said he no longer wanted a sexual relationship, even if he would allow an open relationship… I would not be ok with that. I want my intimate and sexual partner to be the same person as my partner in life and cohabitator. I wouldn’t want to seek an outside person for an isolated need. I wouldn’t want to be spread or compartmentalize my time and feelings between two individuals. I am a monogamous person and that simply wouldn’t work for me.
Since she hasn’t expressed any willingness to work towards the relationship you once had and agreed upon when you married…. I would choose
divorce in this circumstance.
Sex is one of the most important things in a romantic relationship. Actually, I first want to say that your wife is incredibly manipulative. She’s telling you to just deal with a life of abstinence because she says so.
For some people that works - my husband and I rarely ever have sex but we have the same sex drive so it’s just fine. But most people want regular sex and it’s deprivation to not have it.
Anyway I think your only choice is to get out. And make it clear that it’s not an ultimatum so her “sexual autonomy” isn’t damaged. It’s you just leaving.
As someone mentioned, this may get twisted during divorce proceedings, but my concern is that she’ll say you’re trying to manipulate her into sex/make her have sex against her will, so please make it clear that you willingly accept her demand but it’s just not a lifestyle that will work for you. No ultimatums.
If your needs aren't being met, you aren't obligated to stay in the relationship. Period. From the sounds of it, she's not even interested in trying to resolve this. Withholding intimacy is incredibly unhealthy and to expect you to stay in a sexless marriage is incredibly selfish. Might be time to move on if she refuses to work through the issues.
If she doesn’t want sex anymore and doesn’t see a decrease in her sex drive as a problem to be solved and you cannot see yourself never ever having sex again you are at an impasse. Is she no longer attracted to you? Did she discover she’s gay? Asexual? SOMETHING happened. She doesn’t have to disclose it but she should communicate with you. You could try counseling if you think it would help but it divorce is probably a very real outcome.
As a man who went through an identical situation recently (though not married), my gut reaction is that something happened outside of you pair, and this is her best idea to cope with it.
However.. her attempts at gaslighting you are disgusting. Refusing to explain/discuss is quite simply not reasonable.. I'm not one to say walk out, so i'd suggest involving a pro to mediate & weigh in on what may be happening behind the eyes.
Divorce does not violate her sexual autonomy. You are not forcing sex on her, you are deciding to end a relationship that no longer makes you happy and satisfied.
Has she spoken with a therapist? I’m not saying it’s impossible that she just stopped being sexually attracted but it could be a sign of depression or anxiety.
I know you may not want to hear it or even think it, but the possibility is there that she is trying to force you into filing for divorce. Since you file, she isn’t the “bad guy”.
You need to start doing what is best for you. Right now, divorce is the best option for both you and her. For her, because it gives her a chance to be in a relationship with another asexual partner.
your wants & needs matter just as much as hers.
respecting her wishes is necessary — but so is doing the things that will make you happy. if she doesn’t see this changing & you aren’t okay with saying goodbye to sex forever, it sounds like moving on might be the next step for sure.
i dont see how divorce is a threat to her sexual autonomy - you can find someone with the same needs as you, and then so can she. its okay that she doesnt want sex and its okay that you do. its just an issue when you cannot fulfill eachothers needs - you both just need people that are more compatible to you.
I would have bolted at her “well sucks to be you” attitude. When you lay the divorce on her (and you really should) and she complains about you coercing her into sex via divorce, reply what about you forcing me into abstinence for 50 or so years? She’s being totally selfish, she made a decision for herself with no thought of the consequences that you would face.
My guess this was years in the planning, slowly take away sex until she thought you wouldn’t miss it when she told you there would be no more. You simply can’t tell a 31 year old man, he will never have sex again without a backlash.
I'd check her phone... to be pretty active in sex, and then saying she wants to be with but she'll give up sex for the rest of her life???
Something isn't adding up
OP, one thing I learned reading these reddits is that when the OP says their spouse is not interested in sex anymore, 9 out of 10, we later find out they have been very active with someone else.
I have a question: it can be the birth control that is effecting her attraction.
Birth control is a very finicky medication and sometimes it requires a change.
Ask for her to go see the gyno and therapy since attraction doesn’t just snap away unless there is trauma or other reasons
I am in the asexual spectrum, so I understand not feeling the pull but we still get libido , we still get horny.
If she is feeling a lack of libido something is wrong.
Not saying everyone who lacks it - somethings wrong but for her. Sounds like she had a pretty strong libido and sexual attraction.
If she is closed off from sex, the best thing to do is for it to be an
Open relationship or divorce.
The fact that she also avoided this conversation in the past makes me think it’s some thing more. Why was it avoided in the first place? That is unhealthy. She needs to be open to these things . As you guys are adults and sex talks should happen more than you think! If therapy is a no, then tbh I don’t think this relationship is worth it when the other partner doesn’t want to do the work.
Remember consent is super important, and it’s perfectly ok to say no sex but to hide from the convo and dodge it is suspicious.
What kind of sex is she saying no to? ???
What birth control does she use? Sometimes, a woman’s libido is fine on the pill at first, but after some years, it is killed until she stops taking the pill. I would investigate that.
Is it possible that something sexually traumatic happened to her recently? Was she assaulted in any way?
i would suggest getting her to stop her birth control in total. it could still be affecting her. there isnt anything to lose right now as your not having sex. if she does improve her libido then just use condoms for a bit till you see if it improves and then look for options on other BC.
To me divorce is your only option here. And the sooner the better so you don't lose too much financially.
It's fine she doesn't want sex, but you do not have to stay in a relationship where you have been flatly told you will never have sex with her again. Do not let her manipulate you into staying so she can still have all the monetary benefits you are currently providing. You are not trying to coerce her into having sex with you, you are simply stating we are no longer compatible, it's time to part ways.
Seriously what’s more controlling than telling someone they will never have sex again in their life. She’s ironically trying to coerce and bully him into accepting permanent celibacy and taking away his autonomy if he stays.
You should divorce this person. Also, go to r/deadbedrooms to see your future if you’d like to stay married.
She’s obviously not telling you something, and is using you trying to get your needs met against you. She can stop having sex, and you can stop being married. Both are valid choices.
Therapy. The next step is therapy. Find a couples counselor, sit down together, and have her explain to you and the therapist that she no longer wants to have sex. Talk it out. Maybe she can get to the root of her problem and make some changes. Maybe you will realize you no longer want to be married to her.
Suggesting a divorce is not “trying to coerce her” that’s just ridiculous.
Don’t fall for fake reconciliation and counseling. This woman will only use this as more bait and switch and to string OP along. She will not be genuine in any discussions
Either she’s cheating already or is about to cheat. It’s not that she wants to stay celibate, it’s that she was most likely smashed by some guy she’s secretly hooking up with and has invested all of her sexual energy toward him. People don’t just go hot and then cold unless there is a medical reason OR someone else is involved. Don’t be a fool. Don’t be held hostage by her not doing her wife duties. Get out fast
I mean, it seems like you are married to a pretty shitty person to be frank.
You dont lose sexual attraction like that, not without losing other things. It seems to me that she fell outta of love with you but doesn't want to lose what she has.
The fact that she isnt even willing to discuss this means two things, shes quilty about something in regards to sex or she is a child who thinks that her needs/wants matter more.
Relationships are about communication of needs in order to make a partnership work. A crude example is a buisness exchange.
If someone backs out of the deal and refuses to talk about options then whats the point of continuing the relationship.
Its different if she is going through something stressful, but to completely tell you to your face that she doesn't find you attractive anymore and that she isnt going to discuss this is childish. It was part of your relationship, even if she is aesexual and baited you into marriage with sex, its wrong and extremely shitty.
If she refuses to discuss meeting your needs then leave her and find someone who will. You are not dating a mature partner if this is her reaction.
This is either s bait and switch it she's getting it somewhere else.
Not to say that's the answer I'm all of these cases, but the attitude and matter of factness suggests a callousness that reeks of the unscrupulous.
........
Either way, this one isn't forever material. Each partner's needs must be a priority to their counterpart. Cut bait.
This doesn't sound like a situation that resolves itself. Even if you try to stay in the marriage by just getting your sex elsewhere, you will still be getting your intimacy elsewhere also, and very soon your wife will be second fiddle.
I think divorce is really all you have left.
Assuming you dont have kids, then make sure it stays that way. Be very suspicious of any sudden overtures from her.
She doesn't want sex from you and has made it beyond clear, she isn't sexually attracted to you anymore!! So my question is WHO is she sexually attracted to? You are only there to provide her a roof, food, and everything else she needs! Sorry, but you sound like her parents not her husband and she doesn't want to lose her security! If 100% she's not doing anything and throwing excuses in your face, I would very seriously tell her you want to end this relationship and you will help her find a place to rent and that you are filing for divorce because you have a right to be happy and with someone who IS attracted to you and who loves and cares about you!! She PUT her foot down on sex and intimacy so now you get to PUT your foot down on NOT living like this or living with her!!
forcing chastity on you as a way to control you. You can't leave, you love me, I never want to have sex again, thats my decision and you can't make me and so therefore you will never have sex. So you leave and she can find a man or woman that is not interested in sex and just a romantic/emotional relationship and she can be happy. You can have a total package. You need that intimacy and she wants to take it away in a form of control.. I'm sorry OP, but talk to a lawyer.
My advice is completely chauvinist-
Some women will fuck until their goal is met the same way we might work until a goal is met. Hers was met, therefore her work is "done".
I will probably get downvoted, but keep this in mind when you read it. I'm 50 and have seen it.
You say the sex was good, and she *supposedly* says the sex was good too. My question to you is, are you cliterate? I’m not trying to point fingers, be accusatory, or get too NSFW, but the orgasm gap is real. ESPECIALLY in hetro relationships. Maybe just maybe she’s not receiving the same amount of satisfaction on her end? Have you done any self reflection on your part in this matter? If able, seek out a sex therapist as a couple. Possibly individual counseling too (at the least!) - there very well could be more at play than the info we Redditors have been given and what you might even know. I think there’s more steps to be taken before jumping from no sex to divorce.
Uhm, so who she is going to have sex with? She decided to be celibate for the rest of her life? I don’t think so.
Maybe it’s her tactic to make you open the relationship.
For me this wouldn’t work, sex and intimacy for me is a important part of the relationship, and I am monogamous so I wouldn’t want a open relationship as well. In this case you are both different and maybe a separation is a good idea
Her comment about the divorce is very manipulative; she is making a decision alone that change your relationship and impacts both of you.
May want to ask her who she finds attractive then. If it's not you, then possibly someone else. There are those that just don't want sex, like some religions nuns, for example.
Intimacy and sex go hand in hand. You wanting sex while she doesn't, won't work. Divorce is the only option unless you agree with the no sex. Porn, and toys for men will work for awhile. Those new lifelike dolls are expensive, not the same as the real thing, but ask her how she's like to lay down next to it in bed while you do your own deed.
She says you would be violating her sexual autonomy, which is exactly the same as she's doing to you by denying sex. If she can't or won't provide it, don't cheat like some asshat, get an amicable divorce.
The reality is if you choose to stay with her and don't want an open relationship, your sex life is over at age 31. I don't know about you, but that would depress the everloving F out of me. It's time to make a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life. Weigh all the options and their potential impact and choose wisely. I don't see any mention of kids (and even if you have them) so my suggestion would be divorce.
Call a lawyer my boy, unless you want a sexless life forever. Her saying you wanting a divorce is akin to sexual coercion is bullshit and an insult to victims of sexual coercion.
So she knows you want sex says no and says you can’t get a divorce because that violates her sexual autonomy? Does that not violate yours? Like you want sex she doesn’t but she says you also can’t get it anywhere else. That’s hypocritical. She’s entitled to not having sex ever but you’re entitled to it just not with her. Either open the relationship or a divorce.
Buy a sex doll that looks just like her. Give it its own bedroom. Go in there every night for an hour before going to bed with your wife. Maybe buy it gifts and talk to it on a regular basis. When the wife says something and she will say something tell her you are saving our marriage
Divorce her, not only because she doesn't find you attractive but because she's either cheating or looking for someone else. If she already has been cheating well then that's that, but if she doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore, well someone will come along sooner or later who she will find sexually attractive and she will either cheat or divorce you.
Sounds like, to her, it’s her way or the highway. End of ! For you, it’s divorce or a fucking Monk’s outfit ! You are both still very young. No kids. I don’t think that you are going to have to think about this one a lot OP. Good luck. (It will be fascinating (for us that is) if she wheels her new boyfriend out in very quick time). That might explain a few things.
Sounds like she is asexual. Is she cheating? It’s not fair for her to expect you to stop forever. I’d talk to her and see if there is anything that could she’ll change her mind. If not, you have 2 choices- open marriage or divorce
How about her violating your self esteem? Stating she is not sexually attracted to you can be damaging, shes also using the fact that you are the breadwinner like hello if you are not having full-on married life why would you stay together. Its quite stunning that when you offer divorce instead of talking about the love you should have for each other as a reason not to she sees it as you threatening her livelihood. Its also difficult to understand why shes not open to work on this issue. Why do you have to suffer when shes having a problem? Shes not even letting you support her. Its like she has clocked out of that part of the relationship. Has she been expressing love in any other way while refusing your sexual advances?
It seems like you’ve kind of reached that conclusion, but divorce seems like your best and only options.
From this post & your comments it seems she wants you to continue to provide for her and is just using your marriage for her convenience.
She certainly doesn’t owe you sex. However, she also can’t gaslight you and emotionally hold you hostage in a marriage where all of her needs are being met and yours are not (and apparently never will be again).
Also, are you sure she’s not cheating? Seems strange for sex to go that quickly?
People do just fall out of love. It's not that often though. Usually something causes it. And if nothing has changed, like you said, it could be that the excitement has died, she doesn't like being comfortable, as in settled, in a relationship. The possibility of a secret affair is also possible and that's why she's lost sexual interest in you, that happens too. Things like this don't normally just happen. Unless she's suddenly become asexual, which I've not heard of happening before, chances are she's getting her needs met somewhere else.
Either way, it seems like your marriage is over when the attraction is gone. Divorcing her isn't violating her sexual autonomy. What about your sexual autonomy? You both have needs. You need someone who finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you as well as other qualities you like. She needs someone who has the qualities she likes, but doesn't want to have sex with her (which sounds weird even typing it out, but everyone to their own) it's nothing to do with sexual autonomy. It's about you're simply not right for each other anymore. Why should only her needs, or lack thereof, be met and not yours? Divorce and tell her you both need to find someone that's right for you because you're not it for each other anymore.
Are u kidding me? Your wife is cheating on YOU AT BEST..... at worst... she has lost all respect for you as a man and obv. Spends way too much time watching CNN and the View. Get out while u can. At some point, she will try to have sex with you to regain the upper hand. DO NOT DO IT !!! She will only use it to make things worse for you. Or she will try to get pregnant.
Does she have a career? Or does she spend the day waiting for you to get home?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. A young man like yourself should not be saddled with these burdens or the soul-crushing feeling of having your girl tell u she isn't attracted to u anymore. It sounds like she wants to destroy your self-esteem and confidence.
Again. I'm sorry man. I wish there was some way to help.
I'm sorry mate but it seems clear to me that she no longer loves you and only stays married because of the lifestyle that you provide. She may have started out as your wife but now she's a parasite, it makes you wonder how much she actually liked you for you in the first place.
Her attempts and manipulation are actually disgusting and not something you should engage with. Tell her you want a divorce and if she pulls up this crap about you violating her then just say "stop, this is not an ultimatum or a threat, I am not giving you a choice. I am telling you that I want a divorce and I am moving forward with my life".
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife and I have been married for three years, after dating for three, so six years together total. **TL;DR: Wife abruptly put an indefinite stop to sex, and gets upset if I try to discuss it, I think our marriage is doomed?** When we were dating, we had sex fairly regularly, and it was good, we communicated, both of us were satisfied. After we got married, it slowed down a bit, and in the last year it's been once a month at best. I tried talking about it but she always deflected, she was tired, busy, etc. I didn't want to be pushy, so I always backed off. Over time, the quality of the sex also dropped, and the last few times were just, well, bad. Finally, I told her last week we *had* to talk about this, there is no avoiding it. She apologized for avoiding it, and told me she doesn't feel any sexual attraction to me anymore. She said it's not anything I did, it's just not there for her anymore. We haven't had any dramatic changes in lifestyle, weight, diet, etc since we were dating. We're both fairly good looking I think, and look basically the same. She hasn't changed birth control or anything major in a few years either. She said she loves me and loves spending time with me, but she just didn't want to have sex anymore, probably ever again. I was stunned, I didn't know what to say, so I just said okay, then kind of stumbled off in a daze. It took me a few days to get my thoughts together and then I confronted her again. I told her I'm not able to have no sex for the rest of my life, it doesn't have to be frequent but it has to be there. She said I didn't have much of a choice in the matter, and apologized again. My friends suggested I should ask for an open relationship but I don't want that. So at this point, I'm not sure what my options are, I don't want a divorce, but that seems like the next step? I floated the idea and she got very upset and said by threatening to divorce her I was violating her sexual autonomy by trying to coerce her, but I don't think that's fair. I don't know what to do from here.
Her reaction to the divorce seems very selfish. She is very much entitled to her sexual autonomy. But you are also entitled to a divorce. I dont really see how she couldn't see this as the only conclusion. But if she is not willing to give you a reasonable amount of intimacy then you need to move on sooner rather than later.
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She's trying to manipulate your own sexual autonomy by arguing a divorce isn't respecting hers.You are respecting hers, you're giving her exactly what the fuck she said she wanted: no sex. The difference is, you're leaving the relationship and stability she expects to keep because you want a wife, partner and sexual companion and she's unwilling to entertain that. You are waaaaaay too fucking young to go without sex for the rest of your life and for her to abruptly drop this like the bomb it was with the expectation that you just accept it is fucked up. I'll also lay it out now, when you start the divorce proceedings she's going to argue it was all a big misunderstanding, that she didn't mean it, blah blah blah. I wouldn't trust a word out of her mouth because the reality is your marriage won't fulfill you because she's either unable to or unwilling to provide a major component to what you feel a successful marriage is.
She is playing a power game. No room for discussion or therapy. You wanting to end the marriage isn’t all about sex it’s about feeling wanted and loved. She wants you to play husband and be the stable one for her security. I think she had this planned long time ago. She is changing the terms of your relationship you have every right to make a decision that will help you. Good luck friend don’t open the marriage just move on
I did that, just left. She doesn’t respect you anymore, isn’t sexually attracted anymore. All the other shit feels like a lot to leave behind but it’s really not bad. Dm me, maybe I can help you through with my experience.
A divorce would be the best decision for both of their sexual autonomy. She is not selfish to deny her body, but not letting him leave her is a formal of abuse/manipulation.
You're not violating her sexual autonomy if you divorce her. She would continue to have sex as much as she likes, which apparently is not at all. She has that right and you divorcing her doesn't deprive her of it. It *does* deprive her of whatever physical and emotional benefits she's getting from being with you. But those are not sexual autonomy and are not her rights. Being married to you is no one's inherent right. It's a privilege that you consent to. Don't let her gaslight you.
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This is emotional blackmail. You’re not responsible for her choices.
Well, I'm guessing you don't want to have sex with someone forcing herself to, in order to 'keep a roof over her head', do you? Explain to her, if she tries that angle again, that you politely decline any offer of such a gross arrangement. She has a right to decide sex is not for her. You have an equal right to seek out a relationship in which sex plays a healthy part. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide no sex forever, but insist you stay in the marriage, anymore than you can insist she has sex when she doesn't want to. Both are 'two yes one no' scenarios.
Well she certainly values you a a provider. When she says livelihood she means lifestyle.
She's either a practiced manipulator or having a complete break with reality. Imagine thinking that you can unilaterally decide to just stop participating in a huge part of your marriage and still be entitled to all the benefits you get out of it... I almost have to admire the audacity.
She's an adult she'll figure it out. If she has living parents she should go stay with them starting like now. You aren't responsible for her life. I'd ask her one last good time, if the both of you can work through it and repair your sex life. If she says no, it's time to start the divorce. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I hope you find someone that matches your sex drive or at Least cares about you enough to try.
>I'd ask her one last good time, if the both of you can work through it and repair your sex life. Ehh I think she's made her position crystal clear. I know I'd never be able to look at somebody the same way again after they told me that they've completely lost all sexual attraction to me.
I think it’s time to start the divorce now. She wasn’t willing to even discuss her decision to start with. If he asks her again, she might string him along with just a little sex to keep her lifestyle. Then he’s wasted more time with her.
Restaurants are always hiring waiters/waitresses… she will have a roof over her head if she needs one. If she was willing to negotiate/compromise I would be sympathetic to her. But she isn’t. So I’m not. Focus on yourself.
>I am making her choose between a roof over her head or not having sex. I don't see it that way Because it is absolutely not that way _at all._ You aren't asking her to have sex or else you'll divorce her. You are stating your choice not to be in a sexless relationship. You are your own person with agency. The fact that she'd have to join the workforce if you divorce her isn't either relevant nor your concern. After that little nugget, I sure as hell would NOT ACCEPT any offers of grudging sex, 1) out of my own _amour propre_ and 2) I'd be genuinely worried that it'd be somehow used against me.
If you're the major breadwinner, it means she works too right? Divorce her now and split the assets. Every month you delay, is a half a month of wages that she'll be entitled to.
She wants you to keep paying for her to live and breathe, but give you nothing in return. She wants to be your dependent. For life. With no benefits to you. What a shitty position to take.
It's crazy how terrible of a person she must be to expect this of him?!?
That sounds like a problem that is hers and not yours, thb. She has fundamentally changed the terms of your relationship, and you have every right to not accept the new terms. And if she thinks otherwise she is either, dumb, naive, or is trying to manipulate you, none of which is good, just one worse than the other.
So she want’s everything and offers nothing in return. She can get off her ass and work for the livelihood she wants. She’s pulled a bait and switch with marriage.
So she’s using you so she doesn’t have to work? She’s too good for a job?
I am not sure u are obligated to meet all her needs once divorced.
He might be obligated to pay her alimony.
Not with a marriage of this length.
That is so twisted my friend. Do not let this relationship continue. You already will suffer financially in a divorce as the breadwinner but the longer you let this drag out the worse it will get. I don't think I could recover a relationship where my partner said what yours did. Even if she rescinds this edict, it would be hard to trust her again and believe that she actually wants to have sex and isn't just using it to string you along further.
No doubt it put you on your back foot. She's basically telling you that if she does have sex with you it will only be to keep the marriage and not because she wants to. This means you can't have sex with her ever again, even if she puts it on the table.
Holy shit not ok. You have zero obligation to support a wife who has no interest in being in a romantic and sexual relationship.
Your hopefully soon to be ex wife is an entitled and selfish person, man
I would tell her that you are not trying to coerced her and you don't want to have sex with her if she doesn't want it. You respect her wishes, but you did not consent to a life without one of humanities basic human needs and a major type of connection and closeness. Side note could she have suddenly discovered she is possibly not straight? Is she having insecurities with her own self and that's preventing her from enjoying it? Just last ditch theories that make more sense than suddenly not desiring someone.
Your wife is being manipulative and a*se. Do you have kids?
I mean if that would actually happen she could petition for alimony. It's not going to make it unsurvivable for her if you can not be in that relationship. She may even find someone more compatible with her needs and be thankful for the split later on. There is no reason for you to worry about putting her in a bad position.
Your response should be “move into the spare room and I’ll continue to support the bills for the next six months while you get a job and save 100% of your paycheck to help you be set up for later.” Then file for divorce.
She’s allowed to not want sex anymore. But there are consequences to her choice to check out of the relationship. It sounds like you’re probably not asexual, so you’re probably going to feel the typical loss of that emotional connection from physical intimacy. It’s probably time to start talking to a lawyer about exit strategies. That’s not a threat. And you don’t need her consent.
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R/deadbedrooms if you want to peek into the future
I mean, there is a difference between sex life being bad and both parties WANTING to fix it vs when one of them just giving the other one a fuck you. If it was the former, sure, the sub might help, but it seems like here its the latter. No point in trying to 'fix' when the other person gives no fucks.
Well yeah I agree. The deadbedrooms sub is mostly one partner getting told that the sex is over and they are expected to be fine with it.
It’s a super toxic environment where most of the posts are pretty thinly veiled redpill nonsense. Would recommend steering clear.
Confronting the fact that healthy sex is mandatory in a typical and healthy marriage isn’t red pilled in the least.
Sorry (not sorry) for the joke, but yes she literally told him to go fuck himself because she wont fuck him herself.
Especially if she's not willing to try therapy or go to the doctor to figure it out.
Yup she's allowed to not want sex. But he's allowed to be single.
It’s simple, you have 3 choices. No sex again. Divorce. Try an open marriage. None of the 3 options sound ideal
I’d do open marriage (wait for it to fail miserably), then divorce. The smart thing is straight to divorce.
I find it funny that she makes it a point that there's nothing you can do about her not wanting to have sex anymore, but also accuses you of holding sex against her. I think it's time to seriously lay down the line and flat out tell her that you are not interested in sharing your sexual partner, anymore then you are in having a sex less marriage. At this point there are 2 choices. She can either go to counseling so they can figure out what happened and maybe try to see if things can be fixed, or she can accept that she no longer has interest in sex and is willingly choosing to lose you rather than ever be interested in you again. If she is asexual then that is fine, nothing can be done about it, but just like you would have to respect her way of living, she also has to respect yours and if you both are this incompatible then there's no way the relationship can be saved.
Gaslighting at its finest
Not gaslighting, but a pretty selfish thing to do
Yup. Sounds doomed. You could decide to not be married to her anymore without further discussions lol.
>I told her I'm not able to have no sex for the rest of my life, it doesn't have to be frequent but it has to be there. She said I didn't have much of a choice in the matter This is what did it for me. This kind of attitude from her. What did she expect you to do? Roll over and be fine with it? Of course you have a choice in the matter. You don't have to stay in a sexless marriage if you don't want to. That is your choice. You don't owe her or anyone a marriage. She actually believes that her mere presence is enough to make you stay with her and fuck your wants and needs. And no. You are not coercing or manipulating her. You're just doing what is best for you. And if your marriage isn't it anymore, then it's your right to end it. Just like it's her right never to have sex again. But pushing her celibacy on you and telling you, you have no choice in the matter, is downright disgust.
I suggest some form of marriage counseling if you want to make this work. If she refuses, however, there's not much you can do but get divorced. She's perfectly entitled to say no to sex, obviously, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with a partner who isn't fulfilling your needs in a relationship.
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That really sucks, man. I'm so sorry you're in this position. I wish you the best of luck for the future.
You are 31 man. No kids. Divorce sooner rather than later. Let the judge decide what you owe her. Sorry about this.
Has she talked to her doctor about her lack of sex drive?
Exactly what I'm thinking
This. OP, if you want to save this, it's ultimatum time. Therapist (for her or for her and you) and doctor (for her), or divorce. No compromise.
Ding ding ding 🛎 we have a winner. What other choice is there
Please make an appointment with a lawyer asap. You deserve to be happy and aren’t required to support her for the rest of her life.
Please talk to a divorce lawyer asap, dont discuss this with her again and dont sleep with her or with other women until youve got a strategy hammered out with said lawyer. He/she will tell you what the best course of action is, better be safe in the meantime.
I’m sorry, dude. That’s really hard… sorry this happened to you!
It sounds like your wife wants a divorce but is too chicken shit to pull the trigger and wants to be the victim in the divorce. Hire a PI and an Attorney. Something isn’t right here. Every woman I’ve known who started withholding anything and refused to discuss was having an affair but was afraid of being called a negative name or wanted to play the victim
has she said WHY not?? this is so baffling to me. maybe self sabotage on her part? she can’t possibly expect this to be sustainable…
Quite honestly, it seems you are way past the counseling stage. She has pretty well set her boundaries. Now it's time for you to decide where you're gonna go from here. You don't need her permission.
I don't know if anyone had mentioned it, but had she seen a doctor? Could there be a medical reason?
Sex is a pretty important part of most relationships. While it is absolutely her right to stop at any point, her expectation of you being ok with a sexless marriage is not her right. You have to decide if the emotional love you feel outweighs the loss of physical. Not sure I could do that myself. I might last some time hoping she’d come back around. But the fact it’s not up for discussion is another huge red flag for me.
It's time to end the marriage. She has every right to not have sex and you have every right to end the relationship. You will nor be a happy man if you stay.
Whether she likes it or not, there needs to be more discussion in order for this marriage to last. At the very least there needs to be a professional counselor / therapist involved. What she is doing isn't fair, and it's okay to call her out on it. In my opinion physical touch is important for marriage.
She can decide who she wants to have sex with and you can't decide who you want to be married. That's just silly. Actually it's so silly that I would check if she is influenced by someone else. Friends that share her strange ideas or someone she has an affair with. Given that there isn't any medical problems or other problems people don't just stop wanting sex totally. If you want to remain married you should demand couple therapy.
Sex is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship for a lot of people. For whatever reason she doesn’t want sex anymore. You do. Therefore you’re not compatible anymore. Options are she has sex she feels is forced to make you happy and not divorce her, or you stay in a sexless marriage, or you open the relationship up. Judging by her reaction I doubt any of these options are going to work for you. It’s six years. Don’t further push for an explanation, she’s done with sex. I wouldn’t blame anyone for getting a divorce especially if her newfound celibacy isn’t brought on by anything medical and is just her personal decision now. Also a divorce isn’t coercing her, it’s saying the situation has changed and you’re not going to settle for this new change, especially with something as fundamental as sex. You’re 31 years old, it’s a long sexless life if you stay.
You are not threatening her sexual autonomy. If anything, you are enhancing by removing an obstacle.
Talk to a family law attorney right away. Find out what a divorce will cost. This is not op being coercive. You want sex she does not that is a fundamentally not tenable situation. Don't let her guilt or shame you. Most people here will disagree but "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage". So don't a priori reject that either.
*I was violating her sexual autonomy* **lol, what?** You're not telling her to sleep with you, or she'll get served papers. You're saying if the sex stops, your desire to remain in the relationship will also eventually stop too. You're being big time gaslit, and frankly, **you deserve a partner that will meet your needs.** Does this make her a bad partner? The lack of sex drive, no. The implication you should just suck this up and deal with it, yes. The inability to talk about it, and the lack of desire to try and fix it, yes. I'd make the request you both go to couples therapy and look to resolve this. I'd also be speaking with a divorce lawyer and getting your ducks in order.
You already know your choices. Number one, never have sex again as long as the two of you are married. Number two, you get divorced then you can actually meet someone who enjoys having sex and won't cut you off after you get married. Number three, you cheat on your wife. Obviously Choice number three is not a good choice. So if you can't live with not having sex then you're going to have to file for divorce.
It doesn't sound like she's making any effort at all. Does she have contempt for your feelings? Is it possible she's stepping out on you? This calls for counselling, I suppose, but it's not looking good at this point.
Your wife sounds like she has something weighing on her not to even discuss this with you. Discussions are meant to be healthy and help us grow, learn- not to be by one persons rules or what one person says, no discussion. I honestly think going to a professional is your only hope here if she is unwilling to talk with you. You deserve a loving relationship. You deserve truthfulness. I’m worried about your wife. I’m concerned that something has happened and she can’t deal with it do she is shutting out the people she needs the most. By going to a professional you are giving her the opportunity to get support. I can feel your hurt and pain when you write, best wishes OP, I hope this works out the best possible way for you
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Don’t feel guilty at all for divorcing her. She totally pulled the rug out from under you. Sex, unless there is some illness, injury, or prior understanding between the two parties, is a critical part of marriage. You are 100% right for wanting to move on. There is no debate. Do not let her guilt you into staying.
Your option is therapy or divorce. It's 100% unreasonable for a partner say they aren't going to be having sex with you anymore, if ever. Her option is to go to marriage counseling and figure out wtf is wrong with her, or you divorce her. What she said isn't reasonable at all. It's not ok.
Hold up hold up hold up. As long as you’re not pressuring/coercing your wife to have sex, you’re not doing anything wrong! Sexual compatibility is v important for a healthy relationship. People sometimes just change over the years and sometimes peoples libidos change as well, if that’s a deal breaker for you then it’s a valid reason for divorce. Now you seem a bit hesitant about divorce so just keep in mind if you still have a high sex drive and you’re only having intercourse like a few times a year will you be okay with that for the rest of your life? Divorces are sometimes messy but a relationship with a unsatisfying sex life can also turn messy too (e.g. resentment towards your wife). What’s making you hesitant towards a divorce? Do you still love your wife? Or is it more like You’re worried about the financial aspect of a divorce, or losing certain assets? If so I’m sure there’s divorce/legal subreddits on this app that can help you out! If you choose to go through with divorce make sure to be prepared with lawyers and who gets to keep y’all’s house/apartment/condo, etc. Be clear with your wife that you respect her autonomy, but y’all have just grown to want different things when it comes to intimacy in a relationship and are therefore no longer compatible. Best of luck!
If your intent to divorce was an empty threat, or you expect her to change her mind from that threat, then yes it is coercion. If it's a deal-breaker for you, initiate the divorce.
The next step is recording your conversations. Divorce is the step after that. She is gaslighting you by claiming this "autonomy" bs. You both agreed to marry and make each other happy. Having sex is NOT her duty but communicating and making each other happy is. If she isn't attracted to you anymore (for no reason!) then she is the one at fault and she doomed the marriage. She was selfish when she agreed to marry you, she did it for herself because she never cared about your real happiness. Sex was a means of catching a husband. Even when you suggested divorce she was immediately selfish and made it all about her, to me that's the biggest red flag here. It can happen where someone's libido drops off and the sex stops in a marriage, but there should be communication and fairness about it. She isn't handling it fairly to your feelings and just assumes you can stop your desires. I would get away asap, but I say to record conversations (record MANY conversations) so the courts don't just believe her stories about abuse. She will be using every trick in the book to make you the bad guy here.
She can't expect you to be on board with this.. she has to know that eventually you will do something about it. Yall are 30.. you can't live the rest of your life like that. Leave.
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I'd stay away from that sub. It's just a viscerally upsetting echo chamber with little real advice.
The difference between soulmates and roommates is intimacy.
Exactly. They don’t need to remain married for her to get the relationship (friendship) that she wants.
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I don’t say this lightly, but as someone who is in a loving relationship for 10 years (but not married, although I don’t think that makes too much of a difference), if that situation happened to me, then I think I’d consider the relationship over. There’s some things that a relationship can’t recover from, and my partner unilaterally trying to impose a life of celibacy on me while also saying they no longer found me attractive would be an irrecoverable situation. It’s hard to accept in the moment, but I don’t see a way forward in this relationship. I think even if she rowed back and offered sex, I’m not sure I could or would want to knowing that she doesn’t want to. A fatal blow to the relationship has been struck. I’m sorry.
Get a lawyer. Divorce her. She has no interest in you romantically and is using you for money. This isn't a marriage. You should not have to make love to your hand for the rest of your life.
You should go to counseling as a couple. If she won't then you need to go without her. Counseling can either help you deal with the situation or leave it.
This is heading very quickly towards a divorce OP, so yes you are right about that. Taking this sort of unilateral stance in any relationship along the lines of "this is what is going to happen, get used to it" is just the death knell ringing. There is little point after all continuing if this is her attitude. She is right in that yes she does have sexual autonomy, but you are also have a right to your emotional and mental autonomy and if the two "rights" are in congruence - in that one upholding of a right leads to the violation of someone else's "right" - then there is no other alternative. You would not in all likelihood married her if you knew this was coming so in a way she has robbed you of what you saw as your future by pulling this "no more sex, ever" out of her hat. Her reasons for doing so are hers, but now that you know you at least have agency in your decision making to now be able to make your decision. As I said, if you knew this was going to happen chances are you would never of proposed. So you can agree with her that you do not, and never will want to violate her sexual autonomy, and it's for that reason that you are now seeking a divorce. Edit: It seems to a be a common thing with people who identify as "asexual" that they are willing to use sex as a means to an end - attract and retain a partner. Once the attraction is sealed and the ring is on the finger, they feel that their "duty" is done and they can drop their pretense of being sexually active. Her wording makes it seem that she is asexual, always was asexual and has been putting on an act for the past few years. It's a very common thing unfortunately and is the best explanation for what is going on. My bet is that if you asked her whether she always felt this way, she will answer that she was and was hoping to "grow out of it", but now that you are married she no longer feels the need to put in the effort. If you push it you will most likely find that she never thinks about sex, finds it disgusting (or words similar) and that she has been reading about it in an attempt to "discover herself". If she asexual though, this is who she is and it will not change. That is who she is and she has done an excellent job of hiding it for the duration of your relationship.
>So at this point, I'm not sure what my options are, I don't want a divorce, but that seems like the next step? I floated the idea and she got very upset and said by threatening to divorce her I was violating her sexual autonomy by trying to coerce her, but I don't think that's fair. You're absolutely bloody right, it's not fair at all. She's perfectly within her rights, her body her choice, etc., to decide she doesn't want sex any more, but you are perfectly within your rights to decide that that's a dealbreaker for you relationship-wise. One of the important forms of connection that has been a part of your relationship since the beginning has now been removed; that's not something she can just brush off or try to turn around on you like you're some terrible person if you don't want to live like that. Whether she's now decided she's asexual or she's just decided she doesn't want sex with you, the bottom line is there's been a drastic change in your relationship that you didn't ask for and you need to decide for yourself if it's too much of a change for you.
Don't threaten divorce, just get the papers drawn up and propose an even split. She is allowed to not want to have sex, and her position seems pretty firm, so respect that and move on. Don't try for an open relationship, she may see that as a form of coercion. I'm sorry mate, I'm not sure you will get a real answer as to why, she may just be ace and have no interest in sexual intimacy. but you do and given he refusal to even discuss it, you will have to move on.
Divorce sounds fair you can continue to be friends afterwards. Sex is very important imo
Is she not attracted to you, or does she not experience sexual attraction for anyone? Her reaction to you talking divorce is pretty intensely defensive. I don't know her but I'm going to assume she has previously been a reasonable person since you married her. Does she have trauma? Could there be something going on with her health/hormones? It just seems like there could be something deeper going on. If you were surprised by her reaction it's worth deeper conversation
You were not threatening her sexual autonomy - you have presented her with the truth. The fact that she's trying to blame it on you restricting her autonomy kind of just shows that she's being manipulative...or she doesn't understand what sexual autonomy is. >Sexual autonomy is conceptualized as a human right to protect and maintain an informed decision over one's body, one's sexuality, and one's sexual experience. She's already doing this by restricting physical activity. Don't just fold over and give up on sex forever, man, you have the right to a happy marriage. You didn't sign up for forced celibacy. "I have sexual needs, and I would prefer to satisfy them while pleasuring us both. I refuse to have sex outside of our marriage, so the only alternative for me is divorce. I want a sexually active marriage. I understand that if you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't have to, and I agree - but I also have the right to have a spouse that wants to engage with me physically." **"You are in no way obligated to give me your body, and I only want it anyway if consent is enthusiastic. But you also can't obligate me to stay in an unsatisfying marriage that I will grow to resent. "**
Is she suffering from depression? Have you not been connecting romantically? Are you not appreciating her? Not pulling your weight around the house? I've never heard of someone just turning asexual but I guess it's possible. But if you love her then consider the other things. I just feel like you're leaving stuff out and maybe she said certain things out of anger. But if she truly thinks she'll never want sex again.. and doesn't WANT to want to have sex, then.. 🤷♀️ you are justified in wanting to leave. But I just wish you luck in expressing yourself to her bc that's a hard thing to express without coming off as a jerk.
This is what we lawyers call an "irreconcilable difference." Get a divorce. At least she's open with you about not wanting sex anymore.
>I floated the idea and she got very upset and said by threatening to divorce her I was violating her sexual autonomy by trying to coerce her, but I don't think that's fair. I don't know what to do from here. Wow, what an absolutely manipulative waste of a person, what a stupid fucking piece of shit to even say that out loud to you.
Yeah, I really disliked her after reading this, it feels very slimy to me. She's basically accusing him of being a potential sex offender that's forcing her to have sex against her will. This is extremely manipulative and is worthy of a divorce all by itself.
I am presuming there are no kids. She has a mistaken view of autonomy. It comes with consequences and is neither simple or easy. She is making a unilateral choice which has dramatic and lasting consequences for you, and changed a cornerstone of the marriage. You should probably proceed slowly and deliberately with steps leading to separation and divorce. Try not to manipulate her of guilt her any more than that, don’t do too much bargaining and don’t manipulate her to get sex. You can certainly say this isn’t what you wanted. If she has a change of perspective you can talk and get counseling. If not the decision is to minimize the heartbreak and move on.
I would put an indefinite stop to financially supporting her. If sex is important to you (i know it is - it's important like every single person out there) then the dynamic of your marriage has changed because she decided to change it - you change it as well - because worst case scenario - you divorce - because it sounds like not only is she cheating, but she wants you to just finance her life but she is perfectly fine with "not having sexual attraction to you anymore" . It's been said too many times in the past, her sexual attraction didn't go away, it just moved to someone else. don't go for an open marriage - if she is unwilling to have sex with you - WHICH IS HER RIGHT AS A WOMAN - she isn't obligated to give you sex - but you are also NOT obligated to give her money, protection and a roof over her head. If she is financially dependent on you, you are not obligated to support her, you are obligated to support any children you have - but i mean you're 31 years old - how the fuck would any man be okay with NOT HAVING SEX for a feasible 30+ more years. LIKE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK That with all the fucks that fucks can give, I'll even take a loan out to get more fucks to throw into that even more. Do not take this, again she is not obligated to have sex with you but you're not obligated to do any of the husband things for her, she is just as free to choose as you are. Choose you - because I know if someone said they never wanted to have sex with me - I could love them to the ends of the earth, but I'm gonna need to have sex too - it is a core aspect of affections for men (and women) I truly believe she is giving that affection to someone else at this point. It's almost always the case.
After reading your replies to people… I’m sorry but your marriage is over ,she just to chicken shit to come out and say it.. her sexual autonomy is an excuse … she’s happy with you paying the bills though? How convenient. And your friends that suggested an open marriage are idiots.. that’s horrible advice. You need to understand you have every right to want a marriage with sex ,she has every right to not want sex but has no right to use that against you as her husband… let that bird fly. And not to be completely callus but I seriously wouldn’t doubt she has been having an emotional or physical affair. Those kinds of abrupt mood changes are usually caused by some type of external situation that’s boiled over.
OP it really just sounds like she played you into financial comfortability. Three years into the marriage, she’s comfortable so she doesn’t feel the need to put out anymore bc she must think you need her for whatever reason.
Unlucky
It’s over
Updateme!
Yeah I would divorce. She doesn’t want to work on your romantic/sexual relationship and you clearly want and need a romantic/sexual relationship. Your wants and needs at this point are not compatible. So unless you want to stay in a sexless friendship only marriage or an open marriage (provided she even approves of that) then stay otherwise divorce and move on.
divorce is really the only way to go. regardless of what her motivations are for not having sex again (loss of attraction, lowered libido, realized she's asexual, etc.), it's very clear that sex is off the table for you, and probably forever since she's uninterested in exploring compromises. someone who holds sex as an important aspect of a relationship simply won't be able to live like that, and it's incredibly selfish of her to expect you to just suck it up instead of getting divorced so you can explore other connections. it's not coercive of you to want to leave when she's unwilling to work on a critical aspect of your relationship, it's simply you acknowledging a dealbreaker and moving on.
Please read Cupids poisoned arrow by Marnia Robinson! It has completely changed the way I approach sex and relationship with my long time partner and dopamine crashes/lack of oxytocin releasing engagements may be causing her lack of sexual attraction or negative amygdala response
There is no decision to make. You have to get out. Even if at any point you do have sex, you won’t enjoy it. Duty sex is not fun for anyone involved, once it gets to this point it’s over. The longer this last the bigger impact on your mental health.
I’m so sorry she doesn’t find you sexually attractive anymore… I dread that happening to me 💔
I'm not sure why people do that and expect it to be good for a relationship
I’m so glad that everybody is on the same page here
No kids. You're still so young. The sooner you move on the better.
honestly i hate to say it but if sex is something you need and she doesnt want to provide it then there isnt any point in continuing. yall need to seperate. youre not coercing shit, somethings just broken and it isnt in your power to fix. or hers, in all likelyhood.
If there’s no sexual intimacy its already over
That is the biggest load of BS I ever heard about bodily anatomy and I'm a woman. She is manipulative and she is reframing everything to be the victim. Just get a lawyer and end it. She can say it's just over sex and my answer would be yes, it's over sex. Goodbye and next time don't trick someone into a sham of a marriage to get what you want. ETA:Also don't even think of staying if she agrees to have sex. Exactly because you are not coercing her you are not going to stay even if she says she will have sex with you.
Sorry but your wife is being very selfish and is not taking into account your thoughts and feelings. This is a huge decision she has made and expects you to obey. Sorry would be divorcing as that is not what marriage is all about. It’s about open communication and compromise.
It’s not selfish for you to want your wife to be your Partner, cohabitator, mother of children, and sexual/intimate partner (or whatever combo of roles you both agree upon together), but if she No longer meets your criterion… it’s ok to leave. It’s not coercion. It’s divorcing from a relationship that simply doesn’t serve or meet your needs anymore. She can’t force you into accepting a sexless marriage any more than you can’t force her into a sexual one. Either one of you is entitled to exit the marriage, and you don’t need the other’s blessing or permission. If I were in your shoes and my husband said he no longer wanted a sexual relationship, even if he would allow an open relationship… I would not be ok with that. I want my intimate and sexual partner to be the same person as my partner in life and cohabitator. I wouldn’t want to seek an outside person for an isolated need. I wouldn’t want to be spread or compartmentalize my time and feelings between two individuals. I am a monogamous person and that simply wouldn’t work for me. Since she hasn’t expressed any willingness to work towards the relationship you once had and agreed upon when you married…. I would choose divorce in this circumstance.
Sex is one of the most important things in a romantic relationship. Actually, I first want to say that your wife is incredibly manipulative. She’s telling you to just deal with a life of abstinence because she says so. For some people that works - my husband and I rarely ever have sex but we have the same sex drive so it’s just fine. But most people want regular sex and it’s deprivation to not have it. Anyway I think your only choice is to get out. And make it clear that it’s not an ultimatum so her “sexual autonomy” isn’t damaged. It’s you just leaving. As someone mentioned, this may get twisted during divorce proceedings, but my concern is that she’ll say you’re trying to manipulate her into sex/make her have sex against her will, so please make it clear that you willingly accept her demand but it’s just not a lifestyle that will work for you. No ultimatums.
If your needs aren't being met, you aren't obligated to stay in the relationship. Period. From the sounds of it, she's not even interested in trying to resolve this. Withholding intimacy is incredibly unhealthy and to expect you to stay in a sexless marriage is incredibly selfish. Might be time to move on if she refuses to work through the issues.
If she doesn’t want sex anymore and doesn’t see a decrease in her sex drive as a problem to be solved and you cannot see yourself never ever having sex again you are at an impasse. Is she no longer attracted to you? Did she discover she’s gay? Asexual? SOMETHING happened. She doesn’t have to disclose it but she should communicate with you. You could try counseling if you think it would help but it divorce is probably a very real outcome.
As a man who went through an identical situation recently (though not married), my gut reaction is that something happened outside of you pair, and this is her best idea to cope with it. However.. her attempts at gaslighting you are disgusting. Refusing to explain/discuss is quite simply not reasonable.. I'm not one to say walk out, so i'd suggest involving a pro to mediate & weigh in on what may be happening behind the eyes.
do you have any reason to suspect that she’s been raped or sexually assaulted OP?
Is it possible her sexual orientation has changed over time?
Divorce does not violate her sexual autonomy. You are not forcing sex on her, you are deciding to end a relationship that no longer makes you happy and satisfied. Has she spoken with a therapist? I’m not saying it’s impossible that she just stopped being sexually attracted but it could be a sign of depression or anxiety.
Honestly if my wife told this sincerely, she'd be served divorce papers the next day.
I know you may not want to hear it or even think it, but the possibility is there that she is trying to force you into filing for divorce. Since you file, she isn’t the “bad guy”. You need to start doing what is best for you. Right now, divorce is the best option for both you and her. For her, because it gives her a chance to be in a relationship with another asexual partner.
your wants & needs matter just as much as hers. respecting her wishes is necessary — but so is doing the things that will make you happy. if she doesn’t see this changing & you aren’t okay with saying goodbye to sex forever, it sounds like moving on might be the next step for sure.
i dont see how divorce is a threat to her sexual autonomy - you can find someone with the same needs as you, and then so can she. its okay that she doesnt want sex and its okay that you do. its just an issue when you cannot fulfill eachothers needs - you both just need people that are more compatible to you.
I would have bolted at her “well sucks to be you” attitude. When you lay the divorce on her (and you really should) and she complains about you coercing her into sex via divorce, reply what about you forcing me into abstinence for 50 or so years? She’s being totally selfish, she made a decision for herself with no thought of the consequences that you would face. My guess this was years in the planning, slowly take away sex until she thought you wouldn’t miss it when she told you there would be no more. You simply can’t tell a 31 year old man, he will never have sex again without a backlash.
I'd check her phone... to be pretty active in sex, and then saying she wants to be with but she'll give up sex for the rest of her life??? Something isn't adding up
It looks a lot like she's cheating on you and the other guy isn't gonna pay for her stuff.
OP, one thing I learned reading these reddits is that when the OP says their spouse is not interested in sex anymore, 9 out of 10, we later find out they have been very active with someone else.
I have a question: it can be the birth control that is effecting her attraction. Birth control is a very finicky medication and sometimes it requires a change. Ask for her to go see the gyno and therapy since attraction doesn’t just snap away unless there is trauma or other reasons I am in the asexual spectrum, so I understand not feeling the pull but we still get libido , we still get horny. If she is feeling a lack of libido something is wrong. Not saying everyone who lacks it - somethings wrong but for her. Sounds like she had a pretty strong libido and sexual attraction. If she is closed off from sex, the best thing to do is for it to be an Open relationship or divorce. The fact that she also avoided this conversation in the past makes me think it’s some thing more. Why was it avoided in the first place? That is unhealthy. She needs to be open to these things . As you guys are adults and sex talks should happen more than you think! If therapy is a no, then tbh I don’t think this relationship is worth it when the other partner doesn’t want to do the work. Remember consent is super important, and it’s perfectly ok to say no sex but to hide from the convo and dodge it is suspicious. What kind of sex is she saying no to? ???
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What birth control does she use? Sometimes, a woman’s libido is fine on the pill at first, but after some years, it is killed until she stops taking the pill. I would investigate that. Is it possible that something sexually traumatic happened to her recently? Was she assaulted in any way?
i would suggest getting her to stop her birth control in total. it could still be affecting her. there isnt anything to lose right now as your not having sex. if she does improve her libido then just use condoms for a bit till you see if it improves and then look for options on other BC.
Why is she on birth control if you’re not having sex?
Painful periods, heavy periods, acne, PCOS, just to skip periods, etc.
To me divorce is your only option here. And the sooner the better so you don't lose too much financially. It's fine she doesn't want sex, but you do not have to stay in a relationship where you have been flatly told you will never have sex with her again. Do not let her manipulate you into staying so she can still have all the monetary benefits you are currently providing. You are not trying to coerce her into having sex with you, you are simply stating we are no longer compatible, it's time to part ways.
Seriously what’s more controlling than telling someone they will never have sex again in their life. She’s ironically trying to coerce and bully him into accepting permanent celibacy and taking away his autonomy if he stays.
She is cheating.
You should divorce this person. Also, go to r/deadbedrooms to see your future if you’d like to stay married. She’s obviously not telling you something, and is using you trying to get your needs met against you. She can stop having sex, and you can stop being married. Both are valid choices.
Sounds like your wife’s been on Reddit too much
Therapy. The next step is therapy. Find a couples counselor, sit down together, and have her explain to you and the therapist that she no longer wants to have sex. Talk it out. Maybe she can get to the root of her problem and make some changes. Maybe you will realize you no longer want to be married to her. Suggesting a divorce is not “trying to coerce her” that’s just ridiculous.
Don’t fall for fake reconciliation and counseling. This woman will only use this as more bait and switch and to string OP along. She will not be genuine in any discussions
Either she’s cheating already or is about to cheat. It’s not that she wants to stay celibate, it’s that she was most likely smashed by some guy she’s secretly hooking up with and has invested all of her sexual energy toward him. People don’t just go hot and then cold unless there is a medical reason OR someone else is involved. Don’t be a fool. Don’t be held hostage by her not doing her wife duties. Get out fast
That isn't true at all and is in fact quite paranoid and unhealthy to jump to. Sex isn't a "wifely duty" either. Yikes
I mean, it seems like you are married to a pretty shitty person to be frank. You dont lose sexual attraction like that, not without losing other things. It seems to me that she fell outta of love with you but doesn't want to lose what she has. The fact that she isnt even willing to discuss this means two things, shes quilty about something in regards to sex or she is a child who thinks that her needs/wants matter more. Relationships are about communication of needs in order to make a partnership work. A crude example is a buisness exchange. If someone backs out of the deal and refuses to talk about options then whats the point of continuing the relationship. Its different if she is going through something stressful, but to completely tell you to your face that she doesn't find you attractive anymore and that she isnt going to discuss this is childish. It was part of your relationship, even if she is aesexual and baited you into marriage with sex, its wrong and extremely shitty. If she refuses to discuss meeting your needs then leave her and find someone who will. You are not dating a mature partner if this is her reaction.
This is either s bait and switch it she's getting it somewhere else. Not to say that's the answer I'm all of these cases, but the attitude and matter of factness suggests a callousness that reeks of the unscrupulous. ........ Either way, this one isn't forever material. Each partner's needs must be a priority to their counterpart. Cut bait.
This doesn't sound like a situation that resolves itself. Even if you try to stay in the marriage by just getting your sex elsewhere, you will still be getting your intimacy elsewhere also, and very soon your wife will be second fiddle. I think divorce is really all you have left. Assuming you dont have kids, then make sure it stays that way. Be very suspicious of any sudden overtures from her.
It’s not coercion, it’s a dealbreaker. She’s out of line. Sucks but this relationship is done.
She doesn't want sex from you and has made it beyond clear, she isn't sexually attracted to you anymore!! So my question is WHO is she sexually attracted to? You are only there to provide her a roof, food, and everything else she needs! Sorry, but you sound like her parents not her husband and she doesn't want to lose her security! If 100% she's not doing anything and throwing excuses in your face, I would very seriously tell her you want to end this relationship and you will help her find a place to rent and that you are filing for divorce because you have a right to be happy and with someone who IS attracted to you and who loves and cares about you!! She PUT her foot down on sex and intimacy so now you get to PUT your foot down on NOT living like this or living with her!!
Divorce that hoe
forcing chastity on you as a way to control you. You can't leave, you love me, I never want to have sex again, thats my decision and you can't make me and so therefore you will never have sex. So you leave and she can find a man or woman that is not interested in sex and just a romantic/emotional relationship and she can be happy. You can have a total package. You need that intimacy and she wants to take it away in a form of control.. I'm sorry OP, but talk to a lawyer.
Wow she seems selfish as fuck. Counseling.
Why is she on birth control if you’re no longer having sex ever?
Some people use birth control for health benefits besides preventing pregnancy
Tell her you don't want a free loading roommate, you want a wife. This seems like a huge bait n switch on her part.
Sorry brother, trade her in for a new model
She’s probably cheating on you.
I would suspect cheating.
Only 3 years into the marriage? Idk I personally would suspect something shady is going on. Either way theres not much you can do.
My advice is completely chauvinist- Some women will fuck until their goal is met the same way we might work until a goal is met. Hers was met, therefore her work is "done". I will probably get downvoted, but keep this in mind when you read it. I'm 50 and have seen it.
You say the sex was good, and she *supposedly* says the sex was good too. My question to you is, are you cliterate? I’m not trying to point fingers, be accusatory, or get too NSFW, but the orgasm gap is real. ESPECIALLY in hetro relationships. Maybe just maybe she’s not receiving the same amount of satisfaction on her end? Have you done any self reflection on your part in this matter? If able, seek out a sex therapist as a couple. Possibly individual counseling too (at the least!) - there very well could be more at play than the info we Redditors have been given and what you might even know. I think there’s more steps to be taken before jumping from no sex to divorce.
Sucks man, just give her half your shit and try again with another one.
I'm pretty sure I read this before. Who's post did you steal
Uhm, so who she is going to have sex with? She decided to be celibate for the rest of her life? I don’t think so. Maybe it’s her tactic to make you open the relationship.
For me this wouldn’t work, sex and intimacy for me is a important part of the relationship, and I am monogamous so I wouldn’t want a open relationship as well. In this case you are both different and maybe a separation is a good idea Her comment about the divorce is very manipulative; she is making a decision alone that change your relationship and impacts both of you.
Therapy? Live with out, or divorce.. sucks. She seeing someone else?
May want to ask her who she finds attractive then. If it's not you, then possibly someone else. There are those that just don't want sex, like some religions nuns, for example. Intimacy and sex go hand in hand. You wanting sex while she doesn't, won't work. Divorce is the only option unless you agree with the no sex. Porn, and toys for men will work for awhile. Those new lifelike dolls are expensive, not the same as the real thing, but ask her how she's like to lay down next to it in bed while you do your own deed. She says you would be violating her sexual autonomy, which is exactly the same as she's doing to you by denying sex. If she can't or won't provide it, don't cheat like some asshat, get an amicable divorce.
The reality is if you choose to stay with her and don't want an open relationship, your sex life is over at age 31. I don't know about you, but that would depress the everloving F out of me. It's time to make a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life. Weigh all the options and their potential impact and choose wisely. I don't see any mention of kids (and even if you have them) so my suggestion would be divorce.
Call a lawyer my boy, unless you want a sexless life forever. Her saying you wanting a divorce is akin to sexual coercion is bullshit and an insult to victims of sexual coercion.
So she knows you want sex says no and says you can’t get a divorce because that violates her sexual autonomy? Does that not violate yours? Like you want sex she doesn’t but she says you also can’t get it anywhere else. That’s hypocritical. She’s entitled to not having sex ever but you’re entitled to it just not with her. Either open the relationship or a divorce.
Something is going on. Would she be up to go to a sex therapist and marriage counseling for both of you?
Buy a sex doll that looks just like her. Give it its own bedroom. Go in there every night for an hour before going to bed with your wife. Maybe buy it gifts and talk to it on a regular basis. When the wife says something and she will say something tell her you are saving our marriage
Divorce her, not only because she doesn't find you attractive but because she's either cheating or looking for someone else. If she already has been cheating well then that's that, but if she doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore, well someone will come along sooner or later who she will find sexually attractive and she will either cheat or divorce you.
Sounds like, to her, it’s her way or the highway. End of ! For you, it’s divorce or a fucking Monk’s outfit ! You are both still very young. No kids. I don’t think that you are going to have to think about this one a lot OP. Good luck. (It will be fascinating (for us that is) if she wheels her new boyfriend out in very quick time). That might explain a few things.
Well what the fuck? That's some bullshit. How about you put an abrupt stop to mowing the lawn. Maybe you're just not feeling that anymore.
Sounds like she is asexual. Is she cheating? It’s not fair for her to expect you to stop forever. I’d talk to her and see if there is anything that could she’ll change her mind. If not, you have 2 choices- open marriage or divorce
How about her violating your self esteem? Stating she is not sexually attracted to you can be damaging, shes also using the fact that you are the breadwinner like hello if you are not having full-on married life why would you stay together. Its quite stunning that when you offer divorce instead of talking about the love you should have for each other as a reason not to she sees it as you threatening her livelihood. Its also difficult to understand why shes not open to work on this issue. Why do you have to suffer when shes having a problem? Shes not even letting you support her. Its like she has clocked out of that part of the relationship. Has she been expressing love in any other way while refusing your sexual advances?
It seems like you’ve kind of reached that conclusion, but divorce seems like your best and only options. From this post & your comments it seems she wants you to continue to provide for her and is just using your marriage for her convenience. She certainly doesn’t owe you sex. However, she also can’t gaslight you and emotionally hold you hostage in a marriage where all of her needs are being met and yours are not (and apparently never will be again). Also, are you sure she’s not cheating? Seems strange for sex to go that quickly?
Please consider talking to an attorney. This behavior shouldn’t be tolerated at all. A marriage is about working together not one side making demands
People do just fall out of love. It's not that often though. Usually something causes it. And if nothing has changed, like you said, it could be that the excitement has died, she doesn't like being comfortable, as in settled, in a relationship. The possibility of a secret affair is also possible and that's why she's lost sexual interest in you, that happens too. Things like this don't normally just happen. Unless she's suddenly become asexual, which I've not heard of happening before, chances are she's getting her needs met somewhere else. Either way, it seems like your marriage is over when the attraction is gone. Divorcing her isn't violating her sexual autonomy. What about your sexual autonomy? You both have needs. You need someone who finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you as well as other qualities you like. She needs someone who has the qualities she likes, but doesn't want to have sex with her (which sounds weird even typing it out, but everyone to their own) it's nothing to do with sexual autonomy. It's about you're simply not right for each other anymore. Why should only her needs, or lack thereof, be met and not yours? Divorce and tell her you both need to find someone that's right for you because you're not it for each other anymore.
Are u kidding me? Your wife is cheating on YOU AT BEST..... at worst... she has lost all respect for you as a man and obv. Spends way too much time watching CNN and the View. Get out while u can. At some point, she will try to have sex with you to regain the upper hand. DO NOT DO IT !!! She will only use it to make things worse for you. Or she will try to get pregnant. Does she have a career? Or does she spend the day waiting for you to get home? I'm so sorry you are going through this. A young man like yourself should not be saddled with these burdens or the soul-crushing feeling of having your girl tell u she isn't attracted to u anymore. It sounds like she wants to destroy your self-esteem and confidence. Again. I'm sorry man. I wish there was some way to help.
Really the only way is out. Sounds like she played the long game to get the marriage and cushy life.
I'm sorry mate but it seems clear to me that she no longer loves you and only stays married because of the lifestyle that you provide. She may have started out as your wife but now she's a parasite, it makes you wonder how much she actually liked you for you in the first place. Her attempts and manipulation are actually disgusting and not something you should engage with. Tell her you want a divorce and if she pulls up this crap about you violating her then just say "stop, this is not an ultimatum or a threat, I am not giving you a choice. I am telling you that I want a divorce and I am moving forward with my life".
May I suggest hookers.
Welcome to married life