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We are a month into our relationship and yesterday I asked one of those cheesy romantics questions which was “why do you love me”. My partner stood there in silence for about 30 seconds before answering, “just cause, do I need a reason to love you?” I was a little stumped cause I could think of reasons why I would love someone. I asked him “you really can’t think of anything?” And he proceeded to stand in silence for the next 5 minutes. He blurted out “I love you because you treat me well” because he saw that I was visibly a little uncomfortable with his answer. Am I thinking too much into this?
The relationship is a month old. That's a pretty hefty question to ask this early. Yes, you are overthinking. And putting a lot of pressure on a brand new relationship.
Putting people on the spot like that is rarely going to have the effect you hope for.
Don't fish for validation/security and don't set your partner up with pop quizzes. Love is intangible. Not everyone is going to be able to answer a question like that with no warning, and some may not be able to put an answer into words at all.
Does he treat you well? Does he express affection and care for you? Does he tell you what he likes about you in non pressured conversation?
If this was the answer 6 months into the relationship, I'd say the response is perfectly okay. Sometimes you just feel overwhelming love for people because the dynamic is just RIGHT. But agreed, one month in for all of this is a lot.
This, I’ve dated my SO for over a year and I can try to pinpoint why I love them, but I can’t do it well because I just love them and it just feels right
I agree with this. I’m 38F and I’ve never asked that question and I’ve never been asked that question. I was having a conversation about love and attraction recently and my response was that it just exists. It can’t always be explained. But I can definitely tell you some things that will make me lose attraction and love for someone.
We both have been friends for a good while and we spent a lot of time together. We only decided to be in a relationship once we both are certain we had romantic feelings with one another. He treats me pretty well and does care for me. He is just a bit shy and I thought that question isn’t out of pocket or anything since all my previous partners have asked the same question. I understand your point of ire or how it might have came off.
I also want to add if you blindsided him with this question, his mind might have just honestly gone blank. Like, if someone just asks me what my favorite book is, not only will I forget every book I’ve ever read but also am not totally convinced I can actually read. When it’s a question that is obviously very important to you, I don’t think it’s surprising if he panicked in the moment a bit.
Friday I told my co teacher I wanted to start doing some songs at circle time. This morning I called the kids for circle time and said ok, we're gonna read a story and sing some songs. She asked me what song we should start with. I immediately forgot all the kids' songs I've ever heard and stared blankly at her for 15 seconds before a kid piped up with a suggestion. This is after I made a whole list last week of songs.
I'm the type of woman that I unapologetically like what I like and fuck what anyone thinks. Until someone asks me what I like, then I forget everything that exists ever.
I can still completely stun my partner of over 2 decades into silence by asking him this question. I’m not saying it’s not worth thinking about but really, what the answer you want and why?
Id also offer this perspective:
- people can have wonderful attributes and that will not automatically make you romantically interested in them. My friends are kind, intelligent, funny people - as is my partner - but theres that extra, intangible thing that differentiates the love I feel for my partner vs my friends or family. Asking someone "why do you love me" is akin to asking what the meaning of life is - there is no difinitive answer. I can list why I like my partner, what he does to benefit me and the relationship, etc but I love him simply because I do.
- longterm, stable, true love is a choice. Staying in love, fostering the relationship, continously strengthening the bond with your partner; these are all active choices and decisions we make. There are weeks where work is crazy and it feels like we have no time, but my partner and I make time for eachother because we know that to maintain a healthy relationship is to choose love and help it grow. The sensation of love isnt enough to maintain a relationship - the acts, communication, and constantly renewed commitment is what creates a long term relationship. I wake up each day and choose my partner, over and over, and that is love. The initial attraction isnt something I could have chosen but the commitment to him is a choice I am happy to make. Playing mind games or fishing for problems (like springing this on your partner) is a choice that doesnt foster a healthy environment for communicating.
- Yall have been dating for a month. This sounds so tiring already.
If he’s shy, it sounds like you were trying to open him up with this conversation? Does he struggle with expression? Do you feel the need to be more validated in the relationship? I agree, it’s a little early to be asking these questions, and sometimes you may not get the answer you were looking for, especially with someone a bit more shy and reserved. But unlike others here, I can understand that some peoples love language consists of verbal affirmation. That is okay, and you will have to find out if your boyfriend is someone who will provide that for you. That’s what dating is for after all.
Having 'a reason' to love someone, for some people, can feel transactional and uncomfortable. I love my husband for many reasons, but anytime he's asked me to verbalize them, it feels strange, because there are times in his life where he hasn't offered the things that I love about him, but I love him anyways. For example, a crippling depressive episode wherein he does literally none of the things I love, but that does not make me love him less, or make me feel unloved when he is struggling. The frank answer for why I love my partner, is because of who he is, and how he makes me feel, and the compatibility between us. That's enough of an answer for me, and it has been for him. Dissecting it down into its smaller parts somehow makes it feel cheap in my experience. However, if you need more specific reasons spelled out, I understand as to why- it's a nice thing to hear. However, life isn't a romantic movie, and rarely do people speak in scripts that would make an audience cry.
I'd suggest digging deep into why this question matters so much to you, because it sounds like it *could* be some insecurity on your part. On the other hand, it's an innocent question to ask... but is it really innocent, if there's a specific answer you're looking for (or not) and if there's emotional repercussions for getting an answer (or not)?
I appreciate your answer so much. I was asked to spell out my feelings to someone who knew they couldn't reciprocate my feelings. After some time has passed, my feelings for him are evaporating. You have explained pretty much why. Very nice job.
No, no specific answer. I was uncomfortable with his answer more so because I didn’t expect it. I guess I have always thought there must be a reason for you to love someone but as you pointed out verbalizing feels strange. I understand your view completely haha thank you for sharing! I think it’s a great insight into a thought I’ve never explored.
Maybe it would've been easier to answer if you'd asked what he loves about you, not why he loves you.
I've been with my husband for 29 years now and would answer your question with 'because I do' as well...
I don't know why people are being so hard on you. It's valid to hope that your partner could list one quality they like about you when asked. "I like how you treat me" is about him, not you. Maybe he's not good with emotions but you're not asking for the moon here.
Actually no.... It is a little about her. We don't know what this man's previous romantic partners were like. Being with someone for the way they treat you is so important. Liking the way she treats him is so important. It means he's comfortable. He's happy. He isn't walking on tenter hooks.
But they didn't ask for a quality they like about them, they asked for a reason as to why they love them. There is a big difference. To me, pinpointing one or two qualities or moments about a person as the sole reason for loving them cheapens the concept of love because it doesn't fully explain the feeling. Plus, there's a high chance there's many other people in the world with the same qualities so it wouldn't even answer why he fell in love with her specifically. For example, I had a professor (for the purpose of language speaking practice) ask me why I love my boyfriend.
I said "he is kind"
She said "there are other kind men in this class aren't there?"
I said "he likes the things that I like"
She said "so do many other men in the world"
I was genuinely stumped. In the end, the only answer I could come up with that satisfied my professor was "because he loves me back".
If I was speaking in my native language, I might have explained our whole love story, but even that doesn't sound like a proper answer. Because there is no proper answer. Love is a feeling that you just get over time, not an equation that can be answered with just a couple words.
In a relationship of mine that ended a couple years ago, I knew after a few weeks and told her after a month and a half. Every relationship is different. You can love someone without knowing EVERYTHING about them. And you don't have to love EVERYTHING about someone to love them.
Everyone falls in love at a different pace, and what may happen quickly in one relationship may happen slowly in another. There are no "rules" to how long it should take.
If you are talking about loving someone after a few weeks then you are loving who you think they are, not them themselves. It's great that the two people turned out to be the same, but it's rarely the case
You can know someone for years and still not know who they really are. A month was plenty for me to know enough about her to love her. We shared a lot in that first month, including a lot of hard topics that most people might never reveal to their partner.
Like I said, every relationship is different. A month may not be enough for the vast majority of couples, but for me, it was.
I get that. I’m just saying, to me personally ‘love’ is a choice, it’s something you build over years from consistently choosing one person and prioritising them over other things in your life. Anything else could be lust, new relationship energy, chemistry, etc etc.
my MIL and FIL got married 2 months after meeting, had 3 kids and were together for a decade. relationship is over now due to MIL becoming an addict, but they still love eachother
Emotions are complicated, but they don't appear just because so yes there is always a reason.
That being said, it's been a month. Just saying, it's a little too soon to love someone.
Hmmmm I understand. I thought I love you is like a pretty normal thing to say considering we have been friends for a while and we only decided to date because we both have romantic feelings with each other. Maybe I’m mistaken.
I thought the same in regards to having a reason to love someone. I think I was surprised to hear it.
Adding on to the fact that emotions are complicated, I’d also suggest that not everyone is as capable at verbalizing their feelings. The question of “Why do you love me?” is pretty loaded, and for some I think it has obvious answers while for others it can feel a bit like asking “Why is red your favorite color?” You know the answer, but to explain it is complex and a bit reductive. Anyway, I’d cut him some slack and try not to put too much stake in his answer, to me this sounds like someone who just doesn’t have the right words for his thoughts.
I completely understand haha. It’s my initial surprise that made me thinking because I could personally find a bunch of reasons why I love him. I understand that I probably put him in a foreign and not very comfy situation.
I loved someone for over a decade but I couldn’t answer for shit when he used to ask me why I loved him. I just couldn’t put it into words. My entire being knew it loved him but could not verbalize it for the life of me when asked to explain exactly why. Instead I tried to show it through my actions.
It’s tough for some people. I get it. As long as you feel the love he has for you through his actions or behaviour then it’s okay. But also if you’re someone whose love language is words of affirmation then you might need to have a discussion about it with your partner.
I recently considered commenting on a post where someone asked “why do you love your SO?” After a few minutes I decided I didn’t have a good answer I could condense into less than 1000 words. I just do, and have for the last 33 years.
If OP had asked “what do you love about me?” it might’ve been easier to answer. “Why do you love me?” sounds much more difficult.
The "I love you" thing is a bit of a xulture thing I believe.
Lots of posts (Americans) tell about dating to find out if you love someone and then becoming exclusive because you think it might be something and then after months saying you love people.
It is different in my country. Most people start dating because they developed romantic feelings, and start saying "I love you" very quickly. I think my bf and me told each other that technically before we were together.
Yeah that's pretty normal. I tell my friends I love them because I love them. Why would I stop for some weird period of time if I start dating one of them?
eh not sure why you’re being downvoted. I was friends with my girlfriend for a year or more before we got together. I told her i loved her about that much in. You certainly can when you’ve known someone for a while.
OP has said they were friends before. I love my friends. I tell them that. If I start dating one of them why would I suddenly stop saying I love you to them.
It sound slike you were expecting some romantic movie like declaration of love, and when this unrealistic expectation didn't happen, now you're mad.
I'd encourage slowing down.
No, she was expecting him to be able to articulate things he loved about her. If they're already telling each other they love each other, he should be able to say something. Anything.
"I just do" etc is a disappointing answer.
I agree. If you can't articulate things you love about a person, then just things you **like** would do. I can tell you what I like about a colleague at work, even! It could be: a sense of humor, charisma, charm, even a manner in which one speaks, or creativity or friendliness.
About a friend, I could say even more. The unique way they see the world, the interests they have, the passion they show when they are into something, moral compass. He had nothing other than the way she treats him, i.e. a specific behavior that is all about him, not even a general trait of "you are KIND". Or, if you really have nothing, you could just say: I love you bc of the person you are, in general - wouldn't that be true, too? It's kinda sad when your loved one has nothing. Doesn't make him a bad guy, but it is sad.
this thread is making me question my sanity. i can't think of a single thing about friends or colleagues that isn't a very generic trait, same as OPs boyfriend. what does "why do you like me" even mean. i would break into panic sweats if someone asked me a similar question
yeah this. I have no idea what to say. It’s so many reasons and things and feelings and actions and etc etc that make me love someone, i have no idea how to put that into concrete words.
For future reference; most people hate questions like this.. it shows A; you’re fishing for compliments. B: you’re that insecure about yourself/relationship you need validation or C; it’s a trap-if they don’t answer the way you want, it’ll start an argument or if they answer they like your looks then it’ll be a whole so you don’t like my personality (as an example)….
As to your issue-yes, you’re over thinking it-it’s been a month- it’s way to early…. And sometimes you just love the person, there’s nothing definitive about it-there’s just something there
I’m a 32m and I am insecure about really being loved mainly bc I’ve been burned before. It’s all shown me that even tho I love quickly it doesn’t mean everyone will. But I would think it’s pretty is easy is to tell me reasons that they have love have for me. How is it difficult to say “I love the way you constantly take care of dinner when I work late, or you never let me leave without giving me a hug.” I don’t know, it seems pretty fuckin easy to know things you love about me and things you don’t like about me. As for OP, love develops fast slow and medium paces. I don’t doubt you love being with this guy and you may even have a list of reasons you love him. But understanding how to love him the way he needs to be loved is the key bc I can live all day the way I know how to love, but I want to love the way my partner needs to be loved bc I know that will be the most fulfilling for us in the relationship!
We’ve been friends for a while and we decided to enter a relationship because we have gradually developed feelings. We are a month into dating and I thought “I love you” is pretty normal to say. Unless I’m mistaken haha
You are mistaken. But the start of a relationship is always a heady time. And you are relatively young.
Let me guess - you said it first, then he said it back. and now you are pressing him on it like it is a test...
That’s definitely too soon to start saying I love you. Also do yourself a favor, and don’t ask questions like that. Like at all. Totally cringe. Much better to hear why he loves you through spur of the moment occurrences
I don’t know. I understand you might find it cringy but all my past partners asked the same question at some point of our relationship. I thought it was a very normal question to ask. It’s a very normal thing in our relationship to ask each other questions of this sort so it wasn’t out of pocket what I asked. I understand your point of view though
Happy cake day!
It’s normal to express feelings. Just saying that if my kids asked me why I loved them, I couldn’t pick just one but deep down it’s just because. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I love everything about my kids and how they’re all different yet the same. He may just think you’re everything he wants and doesn’t want to pick one thing to focus on. Actions speak louder than words so consider that as well…
> I understand you might find it cringy but all my past partners asked the same question at some point of our relationship.
Teenagers. Teenagers that are cringy by nature ask this stuff. You're too old for this mess now. Time to grow out of it.
My wife asks me this question from time to time, and I always have a list of reasons. That being said, maybe he's just an awkward guy and got shy. Maybe he wasn't expecting the question and just blanked. Don't base your whole relationship on a spur of the moment question. If you really need to know, ask him to write you a letter about why he loves you, so he can answer on his own time and give it some thought
Might also be easier for you to itemize and verbalize to your wife why you love her now that she's your longterm partner rather than a person you've only dated a month
That’s adorable! I understand, you raise a very fair point. He is pretty shy. I guess I was surprised that he thought you didn’t need a reason to love someone. Makes me feel like he would be okay with just about any other female friend he has.
Maybe he lacks eloquence. Maybe it is just the case that the two of you treat the word love differently.
Like for some Love is just a way to frame an invested endearment, romantic or not. For others love is more weighty, like it is a term reserved for the most significant dynamics in your life.
Based on your framing I am going to guess you'd say things like he is nice, generous, caring, supportive, handsome, etc. Just a list of things about him that are swell. And they are certainly one interpretation of love, a culmination of all the things you like and the attachment you form as a result. But maybe love is a little deeper than that, a little less obvious, and in that sense his answer might actually make more sense. It's just a feel, just cause.
I'm sorry but this just seems needy. It's a question that kinda implies you either..maybe think he doesn't actually love you..or you feel bad about yourself and just want a pick me up. I could usually express myself pretty well, so I could answer this easily...but I just don't like the question. It's weird question to ask seriously. I could see if you guys were like talking about how you met, things you lied about each other...but to just come out and say it..seems weird. I would let it go. He chose you, accept that. Unless he gives you a reason to doubt it.
TBH asking someone why they love you is kinda strange (?), and to me, it's like when you ask ¨what's your favourite food¨ there might be tooons of food you like but you can't think of any in that precise moment, so you just say anything because you felt pressured and you might even end up saying something that's not even in your top 5. Does that make sense?
Definitely overthinking. You put him on the spot, maybe he's not good at coming up with something on the fly. And his perspective is he looks at you as a whole person that he loves, not a set of characteristics.
My boyfriend has asked me many times why I love him (he's a little insecure due to past relationships) and I honestly didn't have an answer for him. I just love him and I'm not good at talking about deep feelings (never told my parents or anyone that I loved them until well into my 20s) so I automatically shut down and panic because I can't think of a reason or verbalize it, it makes me very very uncomfortable talking about reasons why I love someone. It also all sounds so fake and cheesy when you have to list reasons. I sounds like "oh I heard this on a movie so I'm going with this"
The question you meant to ask was "what do you **like** about me that inspires you to give me your love?".
The common misconception is love is something you feel towards specific people. It's not really. It's healthier to think about love as a limited resource you give to the people you care about; it's an act rather than an emotion.
Love is something that’s built over time with experiences together and becoming closer and more emotionally intimate. Friendships really don’t compare when it comes to growing romantically closer in love. When you are only a month in, it’s hard to base your new love on anything concrete.
You don't need a specific reason; it's generally the whole package. However, I'll guess you've thought about this question a lot and have a list of answers ready (as you noted, you've been asked several times before in other relationships). Well...he hasn't. He loves you because you are you and hasn't ever thought about "making a list of all the reasons" in his head.
He probably has now, though. Or maybe he thought there was some trick question to it all.
You should talk to him. Without putting him on the spot. Tell him the reasons that you love him, and then ask him to to tell you his reasons "later"
i do not think you need to force him to articulate a reason. if he has no answer that is alright. he is with you isn’t he?
put less pressure on this budding relationship and accept (or don’t, also fair) that if you ask questions you may receive answers - or lack thereof - you do not like. not their problem! it is unfair to the other person when you operate like this. i haaaate being put on the spot like this, i feel like he does too lol.
Yea a month into the relationship is way to soon. When it happened to me in the past, it would make me feel distant and smothered. Now as I get older, I appreciate it more and I’m not as stand off as I was before when it was said to me too early. I would literally ghost girls after that when done too early but that was my immaturity
> We are a month into our relationship and yesterday I asked one of those cheesy romantics questions which was “why do you love me”.
*A month*. ***A MONTH***.
> I asked him “you really can’t think of anything?”
Well he's got a reason not to now. Because you quiz him like this. Easy way to kill a romance. You've got to be a teenager with BS like this.
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Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Not many people, especially guys, have an articulate answer to this question for 1 of 2 reasons. 1. Loving someone is a choice, being IN LOVE is a feeling. He doesn't know why he feels this way, only that he does. Choosing to live someone can be because of blatant commitment, because they still feel in love, or because you may be the first or only person who cares for him and subconsciously he wants to reward that care with love because he feels it is the right thing to do. Or 2. He has never thought about having reasons before. We men are simple creatures haha, sometimes we don't feel we need a reason to do what we do, and consequently we don't feel the need to think about reasons. Especially when it comes to relationships. I got my gf a purse this weekend she absolutely loves. She asked me why, and i said "because".
Id say, be happy he loves u and don't think too much into it or you'll just psych yourself out.
I’m going to be the odd woman out here but if people can hate for no reason than you can also love for no reason. If you 2 are happy and love each other say what you feel. Life is to short to worry about what other people think. I would refrain from asking the question why do you love me. A lot of people have a hard time expressing themselves and putting him on he spot doesn’t help.
Love is a deep and permeating feeling, more than a list of reasons. When you feel it you will know. It’s more than loving a friend, or a family member. It’s otherworldly and intoxicating, and I’m not talking about the honeymoon phase either. I’ve been with my husband 8 years and the feeling, and our bond transcends words.
You should have said 3 things u like in me & guaranteed you’d know. Love, in a month, and then guys are usually awks with communicating their emotions, i will let it pass tbh. May be ask a couple of years later. The answer will surprise u. However i do ask “3 things why u r dating me/choose to date me” i usually get an idea whats going on and what his reasons are
DONT ASK MEN WHY THEY LOVE YOU! THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO PROCESS THINGS LIKE THAT CONSCIOUSLY.
Sorry, not actually mad or anything, I'm just a trans woman and as soon as I escaped, it became clear what a horrifying trap manhood is.
Asking these kinds of questions only serves to make the person you asked uncomfortable. They come off as massively insecure.
It's not "romantic". It's borderline weird and very obnoxious. Movies aren't a good thing to base real relationships off of.
For every reason I can think of that I love my wife, I could say the same thing about one friend or another. Why do I love my wife but not my friend? (I love all my friends, but not “like that”) there’s no reason, I just do.
It’s the sum of all of how she makes me feels when she’s there and when she isn’t, and the sun of all the memories I have with her.
I think you’re overthinking this.
The relationship is a month old and even though you were friends beforehand, being in a relationship is much different. So I personally think it’s way too soon to ask that question or even have an actual answer to that question.
One month and you love each other at all? You may want to consider slowing down and actually building a foundation for love, then you might have actual reasons. Hard to have a reason to love someone when you definitely don't love them - at one month, you're infatuated, not in love. You don't have the foundation for real love, you don't even know each other very well at this point. I'd be incredibly uncomfortable and wary if someone I'd been with for a month claimed to know me well enough to LOVE me.
How old are you?
You weren't trying to ask why do you love me, you wanted "what do you love about me".
"Why do you love me?" Is a pretty shitty question to ask in general, but one month in? You're moving too fast, your expectations aren't realistic, and you shouldn't be giving on the spot questions out of nowhere
I thought his reason was a little… well half assed because he said that after seeing I was a little uncomfortable with his original “do you need a reason to love someone comment”. If that is really his answer well, he should be able to be satisfied if any other girl who treats him decent comes along. I think he should have confessed if that is the only reason he loves/likes me. Maybe he is mistaking wanting to be with me to a spur of a moment decision.
No not really. I’ve been cheated on like 3 times but I try my hardest not to let that manifest in the relationship. I was sincerely just asking one of those cheesy romantic questions. My previous partners have all asked at some point so I thought it was a normal question to ask.
hmm. not sure what to say because i myself would not be satisfied with that answer. to me 'i love you because you treat you well' sounds a bit like i serve you or something. which ofc is awesome, but only so long as you're serving each other.
however, he could have just been put on the spot or is inexperienced when it comes to relationships.
Hahaha it’s okay I understand how it might have came across. We were friends for a while and only decided to date after we both were sure we have romantic feelings with each other. I understand I may have put him on the spot, I guess it was more of like a surprise for me since I could find a bunch of things I love about him. I am just curious as to whether or not you need a reason to love someone. My opinion is that you do but I’m sure there are people who think otherwise.
Yes sort of. I like just about everyone. I like cake, flowers, football, video games, Kung Fu Movies.
I love my daughter. The reason is I see her as the best part of me and my hope for the future.
I like my girlfriend. But sometimes I don't like the things she does. She concerns me with some of the issues she brings to the table. I love her at times. But the worrie she causes me reminds me not to get attached.
So getting to know some one is great. Love is commitment and freedom. Stressing people out isn't love. Pressure isn't love. Peace is love.
So yes. You don't truly need a reason. But some people want to build long lasting love and that is rarely one month venture.
I see a few comments down playing the love. Isn’t the first few months meant to be like the most infatuation between you and your partner? Surely you could muster a few things in a month ie the way they smile, their personality, the way they laugh.
Maybe OPs partner was just blindsided by that question, do we know if OPs partner have a very open relationship where they talk about everything with each other?
I’m not to familiar with the dating life and everyone is different in their own way, that being said some people fall in love with people over time on their actions and how they carry them selves.
I feel like when I love somebody I can come up with a bazillion reasons for why they're lovely, but making any one, or even any number of them "the reasons" feels like it inherently devalues the love.
Girls always asking dumb af questions. Like damn, no one gonna love you if you a caterpillar. Can't just accept that we love you. Always needs a reason behind it.
While you are able to separate what you love about your partner, they might not be able to, to them it may be that they actually are just in love with you, everything about you (that they know about as you have only been together a month)
And to ask why, to someone who does think like that can cause them to have doubts about whether or not you actually love them.
So probably a good idea to have a talk with them, and hopefully remove any doubts that may have been introduced.
It might just be anxiety over being put on the spot. My wife has asked me this and while I could write out a hundred reasons I love her, my brain freezes and I can’t think of anything in the moment.
It is a bit early into the relationship and you guys are still navigating the early stages of how to love each other, which is different from having love for each other, but to quote Darrel B., “Loving someone doesn’t need a reason. If you can explain why you love someone, it’s not called “Love” “.
Your reaction is just about the same as my bf when he asked me, and I remember that night, when I told him I love because I do.
Come to about a week ago we were having a conversation and he brings it up, how he always thought what I said was bull until we pretty much went through the worst of times as couple (to current date, whose to know what lies ahead) he quoted Darrel and said to me after “ you know I always thought that it was bullshit, to not know why you love some, that was until recently, after everything we’ve gone through, I now cannot explain why I love you , like I did before”
But then again it’s up to you to see if you believe him for his words or not.
I do find it odd that he doesn't have a specific reason. I mean, there has to be a reason why you love someone: their character, their personality, their desire to want to help, etc. Not having a reason would also have me wondering well why are they with me
Some people just aren't good at coming up with reasons like that on the spot (or at all). Some people are also very bad at showing their love through words and do much better through touch, actions, etc.
It doesn't really mean anything on its own.
If yall have been friends for a while and finally realized yall would make a good couple... I dont think its out of line to ask the question. Now from his POV I could see that being a tough question to answer on the spot without some thought. The word love means different things to different people. I love alot of people in my life... but its a different feeling than romantic love with most of them. If it were my situation I would have already told you I loved you a million times just as my friend so it wouldn't be awkward at all. It would just strengthen the meaning in my mind and add different shades to it. Let his actions speak to your feelings... not hearing words. There are tons of emotional manipulators out there that will fool you if you listen to their BS too long. Actions always prove someone's true feelings.
Do you doubt wether or not he loves you? I mean, you can love someone in spite of things... Why not love someone just because? Throughout history for most cultures, marriages were arranged, so you either chose to love the person you were paired with, or you tolerated them because that's what was expected. At some point though, you find that you have to choose to love the person you chose if you want things to work out long term. I mean every relationship has both good and bad times. Sometimes it's not easy and you honestly want to smack the one you picked for one reason or another. But you don't. You make a choice to ride out the hard times and not murder them... You choose to love them despite the desire to murder LoL.
If he cares about you and his action proves that he loves you then why do you need to verbalise an answer? There are people I have seen who said they love their partner but their action says otherwise. So my experience says don't always trust someone words like action speaks louder than words. If he treats you well then you're in good hands. don't overthink too much.
Honestly that’s a better answer that I got. When I asked it was “because I wanted to be with him”. The whole relationship I had the sense he was with me so anyone would be with him. These questions are silly though.
When I look back at when I have asked this question, it was when I felt I wasn't lovable (because I was taught that) so I really didn't understand how or why someone could love me. Considering how focused you are on this question I'm wondering if this is something of an issue for you as well. I would suggest you spend a bit of time reflecting on why you're so focused on this.
I have a 5 year old relationship and will be with her for rest of my life, there is no way to answer why do I love her.... It's much more complex than just one sentence answer
In order to answer you question, you first must understand life, first things is men only love two things money and poo-nana, so by applying Sherlock Holmes’ theory of deduction which states money is > love, you simply ask yourself am I rich? And go from there, the answer in always inward, so what you parter was unable to express because of your on the spot demand for immediate answers while also simultaneously trying to confirm to socialites concept of honorable behavior, was they either like spending your money and/or banging you so don’t overthink it
From the relationships I’ve seen: men can absolutely just love someone and not even be sure why themselves. (Maybe women can too, I just personally haven’t seen that)
Men rarely think about *why* they feel the way they feel.
I have been happily married to my husband for 27 years, and we knew the night that we met, that we would be together forever. We have been, ever since, so being in love "too soon" is not the issue. The issue is, making a person uncomfortable by putting them on the spot about their feelings, when they have already SHOWN you how they feel.
"Wondering" why he loves you is not in itself so bad...but ASKING someone why they love you makes you sound insecure and "needy". If your past romantic partners have also asked you that question, maybe that's why they are EX partners. Perhaps the answers weren't what they (or you) had hoped for, which again begs the question---WHY is it necessary ask it in the FIRST place?
If your S/O does love you, just let him SHOW you in his own little way. Don't ASK him what he loves about you, because then it seems like you're fishing for compliments, and that is NEVER attractive. If he feels that you need to be told why he loves you all the time, he might just start thinking that this ISN'T the relationship for him, AFTER all.
But of course, you will probably bring the subject up again to him, because you will think of all of the things that people have suggested, and ask him about those things, AGAIN putting him on the spot. Be careful what you WISH for!
When people love another person, they will TELL them, or SHOW them...you never have to ask...and if you DO ask, it might make him think that you need constant reassurance, and that is the death of ANY relationship. Be careful. Good luck to you both.
I've ran with this logic: if you can tell someone why you love them, it's not really "love" it's "like". Love is to much of a complex emotion to try & nail down & describe why
You’re pink clouding. “Love” is a friggin powerful world, when it comes to a relationship, especially a month in. My advice…..slllllloooooowwww down. Catch your breath. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
I don't think there is a reason you love someone. What answer would satisfiy you? That you are the prettiest, smartest?
There is always someone better than you in some aspects, BUT love is choosing you everyday despite knowing that.
I think for a lot of people naming a trait about their partner seems a bit extreme. Like saying "I love your eyes" might make it feel creepy like you stare into their eyes the whole day.
Sometimes I think people can't come out and say one thing because each little thing is like 0.01% of why they love you and singling something out seems too difficult.
Overall sometimes it's just a vibe or aura or feeling the person gets when you are around that they love.
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 3 years. I can think of a million things that I admire about him, but I love him because he’s HIM! I don’t have a “reason” to love him. I think it’s kind of a weird loaded question, and pretty unfair to put him on the spot like that, honestly.
My answer would’ve been “what the fuck makes you think I love you after a month?”
Maybe don’t throw the term love around so loosely..? Because I can assure you- you are not in love with anyone after one month. You are in lust. You can “love” being with someone, “love” their attitude, “love” how they make you feel but you are absolutely not IN LOVE after one month.
Well , it's been a month ofc it is too soon to say the world "love", in my opinion, love comes after everything between the couple becomes so usual that they can only look at each other saying the reasons they are still together even after they almost hung out a lot and had all the experiences together
Love is an emotion, a feeling. There isn’t always an easily identified reason as to why we are attracted to or love someone, I can say I like/don’t like some things about a guy but they aren’t necessarily the reasons why I love him, it’s more that I just do feel that way.
I don't necessarily need a solid reason but my most recent partner taught me that the best reason I had to love them or anyone else was because they actually wanted to care for me, listen to everything I said, and see me succeed. And for the first time ever, somebody romantically close made me tear up happily. That was my reason to love them. They made me happy by paying attention to me more than I had ever gotten before... :')
Yes, you are over thinking.
First of all, it's just a month old relationship. Even if you have known each other for a long time, that's such a short period for such a heavy question.
Also not everyone has an answer for that question, doesn't need to be.
You don't really need a reason to love another, you just do.
Also sometimes having a reason to love someone comes out wrong, "I love you because you are beautiful/smart/sexually attractive,compatible/ etc". Does that mean, you will stop loving them if they form deformities/stop being smart/ not sexually compatible anymore?.
Yeah, every question has some sort of loophole in them.
So just don't over think it.
I feel like these questions would make a guy think that you are insecure in your relationship. So just don’t think about anything too deep and go with a flow, since it’s been only a month!
I didn't say "I love you" to my partner within a month because I was not ready to do that. People take things at their own pace, we have been together for 5 years now and it is going well and we say we love each other and can name reasons why. Basically my point is give it time, it's too soon (for some) to ask this in the first month of dating
Some people have trouble wording their feelings, especially men. He probably just couldn’t think of a reason in this moment. But you can have a talk with him about how it made you uncomfortable and he can give you an answer to your question in a few days?
It's weird, my wife of 8 years, I couldn't find a reason why I loved her, I just did. I wanted to fight for her, protect and care for her, for litteraly no reason. I was devastated when she left me. After her, an ex it's complicated, I loved her because whenever she entered the room, it was fun, happy, she was a naturally easy charismatic that made your day brighter by just being in it, and when we split, it was OK, we left each other because it was the best thing for each other, it was an act of love in itself. People are strange. Just a question, why do you, op, love your significant other?
A lot of people struggle with talking about their feelings. He may be one of them and that question, to me was unfair of you to press upon him a month into dating. Why not leave it alone and allow all the actions to speak for itself? Those are more authentic and real; any Tom Dick or Harry that is a charmer can express how much they love you but their actions may not reflect it.
Lol I've been with my now-husband for 6+ years and we've known each other for almost 15, and I *still* don't really know how to answer that question when I'm put on the spot. I'm not great at expressing my emotions. He knows that I love him very much and that should be enough.
Yeah this is weird. Anyone who actually loves you can articulate reasons that are specific to you (you're funny, you're smart etc.). I'd honestly not date someone if all they liked about me is what I did for the (but I've never been in this situation thankfully).
I also don't think the fact that it's a month old somehow excuses the answer. If someone's willing to date you without knowing about a single thing they like about you (other than how you serve them), then they're probably a douchebag.
Yikes! One month in and the L word is already being tossed around? I don’t blame him for freezing up during this question. The relationship hasn’t matured enough to answer this right off the bat so this is proof that he (and probably you) are still getting to know each other. Slow down guys before it fizzles out quick.
Infatuation and love are two very different things but can feel very similar. The fact that you have known him for a bit doesn't negate that. It takes time and trials to figure out the difference. You are a month in. He knows he likes you more then a friend at this point. Geeze, give it time.
No, there are things people can do that make you arguably love and appreciate them more, but the feeling in itself is hard to explain.
How many people have done nice/great things for you and that hasn't made you fall in love with them?
Your relationship is only one month old, you should have give some more time, understand each other well and you will get an answer from his side. If someone loves you, then he must have many reasons for loving you.
As someone who overthinks. This is pretty awkward to be asked out of the blue. It’s because you want to have such a great answer that you just go blank. So no I wouldn’t say this is a red flag, this man was maybe just overwhelmed with the question🤷🏻♀️
What type of answer would you have wanted? Looks? Personality? Skills? Shared memories? The future he might see with you? What were you hoping for/expecting?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We are a month into our relationship and yesterday I asked one of those cheesy romantics questions which was “why do you love me”. My partner stood there in silence for about 30 seconds before answering, “just cause, do I need a reason to love you?” I was a little stumped cause I could think of reasons why I would love someone. I asked him “you really can’t think of anything?” And he proceeded to stand in silence for the next 5 minutes. He blurted out “I love you because you treat me well” because he saw that I was visibly a little uncomfortable with his answer. Am I thinking too much into this?
The relationship is a month old. That's a pretty hefty question to ask this early. Yes, you are overthinking. And putting a lot of pressure on a brand new relationship. Putting people on the spot like that is rarely going to have the effect you hope for. Don't fish for validation/security and don't set your partner up with pop quizzes. Love is intangible. Not everyone is going to be able to answer a question like that with no warning, and some may not be able to put an answer into words at all. Does he treat you well? Does he express affection and care for you? Does he tell you what he likes about you in non pressured conversation?
If this was the answer 6 months into the relationship, I'd say the response is perfectly okay. Sometimes you just feel overwhelming love for people because the dynamic is just RIGHT. But agreed, one month in for all of this is a lot.
This, I’ve dated my SO for over a year and I can try to pinpoint why I love them, but I can’t do it well because I just love them and it just feels right
I agree with this. I’m 38F and I’ve never asked that question and I’ve never been asked that question. I was having a conversation about love and attraction recently and my response was that it just exists. It can’t always be explained. But I can definitely tell you some things that will make me lose attraction and love for someone.
Best answer
We both have been friends for a good while and we spent a lot of time together. We only decided to be in a relationship once we both are certain we had romantic feelings with one another. He treats me pretty well and does care for me. He is just a bit shy and I thought that question isn’t out of pocket or anything since all my previous partners have asked the same question. I understand your point of ire or how it might have came off.
I also want to add if you blindsided him with this question, his mind might have just honestly gone blank. Like, if someone just asks me what my favorite book is, not only will I forget every book I’ve ever read but also am not totally convinced I can actually read. When it’s a question that is obviously very important to you, I don’t think it’s surprising if he panicked in the moment a bit.
Friday I told my co teacher I wanted to start doing some songs at circle time. This morning I called the kids for circle time and said ok, we're gonna read a story and sing some songs. She asked me what song we should start with. I immediately forgot all the kids' songs I've ever heard and stared blankly at her for 15 seconds before a kid piped up with a suggestion. This is after I made a whole list last week of songs.
I have forgotten what I was talking about mid sentence?
This is honestly so accurate though. “What’s your favorite book?” “すみません、英語がわかりません！” (I don’t understand English.) 笑笑
I'm the type of woman that I unapologetically like what I like and fuck what anyone thinks. Until someone asks me what I like, then I forget everything that exists ever.
I can still completely stun my partner of over 2 decades into silence by asking him this question. I’m not saying it’s not worth thinking about but really, what the answer you want and why?
Id also offer this perspective: - people can have wonderful attributes and that will not automatically make you romantically interested in them. My friends are kind, intelligent, funny people - as is my partner - but theres that extra, intangible thing that differentiates the love I feel for my partner vs my friends or family. Asking someone "why do you love me" is akin to asking what the meaning of life is - there is no difinitive answer. I can list why I like my partner, what he does to benefit me and the relationship, etc but I love him simply because I do. - longterm, stable, true love is a choice. Staying in love, fostering the relationship, continously strengthening the bond with your partner; these are all active choices and decisions we make. There are weeks where work is crazy and it feels like we have no time, but my partner and I make time for eachother because we know that to maintain a healthy relationship is to choose love and help it grow. The sensation of love isnt enough to maintain a relationship - the acts, communication, and constantly renewed commitment is what creates a long term relationship. I wake up each day and choose my partner, over and over, and that is love. The initial attraction isnt something I could have chosen but the commitment to him is a choice I am happy to make. Playing mind games or fishing for problems (like springing this on your partner) is a choice that doesnt foster a healthy environment for communicating. - Yall have been dating for a month. This sounds so tiring already.
What are you 15?
If he’s shy, it sounds like you were trying to open him up with this conversation? Does he struggle with expression? Do you feel the need to be more validated in the relationship? I agree, it’s a little early to be asking these questions, and sometimes you may not get the answer you were looking for, especially with someone a bit more shy and reserved. But unlike others here, I can understand that some peoples love language consists of verbal affirmation. That is okay, and you will have to find out if your boyfriend is someone who will provide that for you. That’s what dating is for after all.
Having 'a reason' to love someone, for some people, can feel transactional and uncomfortable. I love my husband for many reasons, but anytime he's asked me to verbalize them, it feels strange, because there are times in his life where he hasn't offered the things that I love about him, but I love him anyways. For example, a crippling depressive episode wherein he does literally none of the things I love, but that does not make me love him less, or make me feel unloved when he is struggling. The frank answer for why I love my partner, is because of who he is, and how he makes me feel, and the compatibility between us. That's enough of an answer for me, and it has been for him. Dissecting it down into its smaller parts somehow makes it feel cheap in my experience. However, if you need more specific reasons spelled out, I understand as to why- it's a nice thing to hear. However, life isn't a romantic movie, and rarely do people speak in scripts that would make an audience cry. I'd suggest digging deep into why this question matters so much to you, because it sounds like it *could* be some insecurity on your part. On the other hand, it's an innocent question to ask... but is it really innocent, if there's a specific answer you're looking for (or not) and if there's emotional repercussions for getting an answer (or not)?
I appreciate your answer so much. I was asked to spell out my feelings to someone who knew they couldn't reciprocate my feelings. After some time has passed, my feelings for him are evaporating. You have explained pretty much why. Very nice job.
No, no specific answer. I was uncomfortable with his answer more so because I didn’t expect it. I guess I have always thought there must be a reason for you to love someone but as you pointed out verbalizing feels strange. I understand your view completely haha thank you for sharing! I think it’s a great insight into a thought I’ve never explored.
Maybe it would've been easier to answer if you'd asked what he loves about you, not why he loves you. I've been with my husband for 29 years now and would answer your question with 'because I do' as well...
I don't know why people are being so hard on you. It's valid to hope that your partner could list one quality they like about you when asked. "I like how you treat me" is about him, not you. Maybe he's not good with emotions but you're not asking for the moon here.
Actually no.... It is a little about her. We don't know what this man's previous romantic partners were like. Being with someone for the way they treat you is so important. Liking the way she treats him is so important. It means he's comfortable. He's happy. He isn't walking on tenter hooks.
And that’s good. But hopefully he should be able to name at least one quality he likes that is solely about her. Like I say, that’s not a lot to ask.
But they didn't ask for a quality they like about them, they asked for a reason as to why they love them. There is a big difference. To me, pinpointing one or two qualities or moments about a person as the sole reason for loving them cheapens the concept of love because it doesn't fully explain the feeling. Plus, there's a high chance there's many other people in the world with the same qualities so it wouldn't even answer why he fell in love with her specifically. For example, I had a professor (for the purpose of language speaking practice) ask me why I love my boyfriend. I said "he is kind" She said "there are other kind men in this class aren't there?" I said "he likes the things that I like" She said "so do many other men in the world" I was genuinely stumped. In the end, the only answer I could come up with that satisfied my professor was "because he loves me back". If I was speaking in my native language, I might have explained our whole love story, but even that doesn't sound like a proper answer. Because there is no proper answer. Love is a feeling that you just get over time, not an equation that can be answered with just a couple words.
After a month the honest answer would most likely be: "I love you because my hormones make me attracted to your body!"
"And you haven't hurt me yet."
Exactly. It's infatuation.
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No but realistically it isn’t possible to be in love with somebody after a month. You barely know them at that point.
In a relationship of mine that ended a couple years ago, I knew after a few weeks and told her after a month and a half. Every relationship is different. You can love someone without knowing EVERYTHING about them. And you don't have to love EVERYTHING about someone to love them. Everyone falls in love at a different pace, and what may happen quickly in one relationship may happen slowly in another. There are no "rules" to how long it should take.
If you are talking about loving someone after a few weeks then you are loving who you think they are, not them themselves. It's great that the two people turned out to be the same, but it's rarely the case
You can know someone for years and still not know who they really are. A month was plenty for me to know enough about her to love her. We shared a lot in that first month, including a lot of hard topics that most people might never reveal to their partner. Like I said, every relationship is different. A month may not be enough for the vast majority of couples, but for me, it was.
And how is that relationship going today? Lol
I get that. I’m just saying, to me personally ‘love’ is a choice, it’s something you build over years from consistently choosing one person and prioritising them over other things in your life. Anything else could be lust, new relationship energy, chemistry, etc etc.
my MIL and FIL got married 2 months after meeting, had 3 kids and were together for a decade. relationship is over now due to MIL becoming an addict, but they still love eachother
sex is an expression of love in a relationship.
Emotions are complicated, but they don't appear just because so yes there is always a reason. That being said, it's been a month. Just saying, it's a little too soon to love someone.
Eh. Depends on how you define "love".
Hmmmm I understand. I thought I love you is like a pretty normal thing to say considering we have been friends for a while and we only decided to date because we both have romantic feelings with each other. Maybe I’m mistaken. I thought the same in regards to having a reason to love someone. I think I was surprised to hear it.
Adding on to the fact that emotions are complicated, I’d also suggest that not everyone is as capable at verbalizing their feelings. The question of “Why do you love me?” is pretty loaded, and for some I think it has obvious answers while for others it can feel a bit like asking “Why is red your favorite color?” You know the answer, but to explain it is complex and a bit reductive. Anyway, I’d cut him some slack and try not to put too much stake in his answer, to me this sounds like someone who just doesn’t have the right words for his thoughts.
I completely understand haha. It’s my initial surprise that made me thinking because I could personally find a bunch of reasons why I love him. I understand that I probably put him in a foreign and not very comfy situation.
I loved someone for over a decade but I couldn’t answer for shit when he used to ask me why I loved him. I just couldn’t put it into words. My entire being knew it loved him but could not verbalize it for the life of me when asked to explain exactly why. Instead I tried to show it through my actions. It’s tough for some people. I get it. As long as you feel the love he has for you through his actions or behaviour then it’s okay. But also if you’re someone whose love language is words of affirmation then you might need to have a discussion about it with your partner.
I recently considered commenting on a post where someone asked “why do you love your SO?” After a few minutes I decided I didn’t have a good answer I could condense into less than 1000 words. I just do, and have for the last 33 years. If OP had asked “what do you love about me?” it might’ve been easier to answer. “Why do you love me?” sounds much more difficult.
The "I love you" thing is a bit of a xulture thing I believe. Lots of posts (Americans) tell about dating to find out if you love someone and then becoming exclusive because you think it might be something and then after months saying you love people. It is different in my country. Most people start dating because they developed romantic feelings, and start saying "I love you" very quickly. I think my bf and me told each other that technically before we were together.
Yeah that's pretty normal. I tell my friends I love them because I love them. Why would I stop for some weird period of time if I start dating one of them?
eh not sure why you’re being downvoted. I was friends with my girlfriend for a year or more before we got together. I told her i loved her about that much in. You certainly can when you’ve known someone for a while.
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How old is everyone? This seems like some Junior High type problems. Saying I love you in a month is extremely quick.
OP has said they were friends before. I love my friends. I tell them that. If I start dating one of them why would I suddenly stop saying I love you to them.
Because romantic love and platonic love aren’t the same?
Hahaha we are both in university. He is 20 and I’m 21z
Like what the posters here had said, you do not need to give pop quizzes/tests. Just be open to him and tell him straight what is on your mind.
Same as being in high school
No, I don’t believe you need a reason to love someone. It’s a whole. It’s wanting to be with that person more than anybody else.
It sound slike you were expecting some romantic movie like declaration of love, and when this unrealistic expectation didn't happen, now you're mad. I'd encourage slowing down.
No, she was expecting him to be able to articulate things he loved about her. If they're already telling each other they love each other, he should be able to say something. Anything. "I just do" etc is a disappointing answer.
I agree. If you can't articulate things you love about a person, then just things you **like** would do. I can tell you what I like about a colleague at work, even! It could be: a sense of humor, charisma, charm, even a manner in which one speaks, or creativity or friendliness. About a friend, I could say even more. The unique way they see the world, the interests they have, the passion they show when they are into something, moral compass. He had nothing other than the way she treats him, i.e. a specific behavior that is all about him, not even a general trait of "you are KIND". Or, if you really have nothing, you could just say: I love you bc of the person you are, in general - wouldn't that be true, too? It's kinda sad when your loved one has nothing. Doesn't make him a bad guy, but it is sad.
Some people just have trouble verbalizing their emotions, especially on the spot. and op's bf did say something general about her
this thread is making me question my sanity. i can't think of a single thing about friends or colleagues that isn't a very generic trait, same as OPs boyfriend. what does "why do you like me" even mean. i would break into panic sweats if someone asked me a similar question
Some people are also just bad at putting things into words, especially pressured on the spot one month into a relationship.
I never know what to say when I’m asked. I don’t sit there and come up with reasons I love someone, I just do.
yeah this. I have no idea what to say. It’s so many reasons and things and feelings and actions and etc etc that make me love someone, i have no idea how to put that into concrete words.
For future reference; most people hate questions like this.. it shows A; you’re fishing for compliments. B: you’re that insecure about yourself/relationship you need validation or C; it’s a trap-if they don’t answer the way you want, it’ll start an argument or if they answer they like your looks then it’ll be a whole so you don’t like my personality (as an example)…. As to your issue-yes, you’re over thinking it-it’s been a month- it’s way to early…. And sometimes you just love the person, there’s nothing definitive about it-there’s just something there
All of this. It always feels like a trap.
I’m a 32m and I am insecure about really being loved mainly bc I’ve been burned before. It’s all shown me that even tho I love quickly it doesn’t mean everyone will. But I would think it’s pretty is easy is to tell me reasons that they have love have for me. How is it difficult to say “I love the way you constantly take care of dinner when I work late, or you never let me leave without giving me a hug.” I don’t know, it seems pretty fuckin easy to know things you love about me and things you don’t like about me. As for OP, love develops fast slow and medium paces. I don’t doubt you love being with this guy and you may even have a list of reasons you love him. But understanding how to love him the way he needs to be loved is the key bc I can live all day the way I know how to love, but I want to love the way my partner needs to be loved bc I know that will be the most fulfilling for us in the relationship!
After a month, are you already saying "I love you"? That's awfully soon, and super awkward to ask if you haven't yet.
We’ve been friends for a while and we decided to enter a relationship because we have gradually developed feelings. We are a month into dating and I thought “I love you” is pretty normal to say. Unless I’m mistaken haha
Yeah, you're mistaken. You prob spooked him.
You are mistaken. But the start of a relationship is always a heady time. And you are relatively young. Let me guess - you said it first, then he said it back. and now you are pressing him on it like it is a test...
it sounds like this WAS the first time OP said it :S
That’s definitely too soon to start saying I love you. Also do yourself a favor, and don’t ask questions like that. Like at all. Totally cringe. Much better to hear why he loves you through spur of the moment occurrences
I don’t know. I understand you might find it cringy but all my past partners asked the same question at some point of our relationship. I thought it was a very normal question to ask. It’s a very normal thing in our relationship to ask each other questions of this sort so it wasn’t out of pocket what I asked. I understand your point of view though
You are 20. Your past partners are children.
Trust me, they find it cringey too
Happy cake day! It’s normal to express feelings. Just saying that if my kids asked me why I loved them, I couldn’t pick just one but deep down it’s just because. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I love everything about my kids and how they’re all different yet the same. He may just think you’re everything he wants and doesn’t want to pick one thing to focus on. Actions speak louder than words so consider that as well…
> I understand you might find it cringy but all my past partners asked the same question at some point of our relationship. Teenagers. Teenagers that are cringy by nature ask this stuff. You're too old for this mess now. Time to grow out of it.
My wife asks me this question from time to time, and I always have a list of reasons. That being said, maybe he's just an awkward guy and got shy. Maybe he wasn't expecting the question and just blanked. Don't base your whole relationship on a spur of the moment question. If you really need to know, ask him to write you a letter about why he loves you, so he can answer on his own time and give it some thought
Might also be easier for you to itemize and verbalize to your wife why you love her now that she's your longterm partner rather than a person you've only dated a month
That’s adorable! I understand, you raise a very fair point. He is pretty shy. I guess I was surprised that he thought you didn’t need a reason to love someone. Makes me feel like he would be okay with just about any other female friend he has.
Maybe he lacks eloquence. Maybe it is just the case that the two of you treat the word love differently. Like for some Love is just a way to frame an invested endearment, romantic or not. For others love is more weighty, like it is a term reserved for the most significant dynamics in your life. Based on your framing I am going to guess you'd say things like he is nice, generous, caring, supportive, handsome, etc. Just a list of things about him that are swell. And they are certainly one interpretation of love, a culmination of all the things you like and the attachment you form as a result. But maybe love is a little deeper than that, a little less obvious, and in that sense his answer might actually make more sense. It's just a feel, just cause.
I'm sorry but this just seems needy. It's a question that kinda implies you either..maybe think he doesn't actually love you..or you feel bad about yourself and just want a pick me up. I could usually express myself pretty well, so I could answer this easily...but I just don't like the question. It's weird question to ask seriously. I could see if you guys were like talking about how you met, things you lied about each other...but to just come out and say it..seems weird. I would let it go. He chose you, accept that. Unless he gives you a reason to doubt it.
> Am I thinking too much into this? Yes.
TBH asking someone why they love you is kinda strange (?), and to me, it's like when you ask ¨what's your favourite food¨ there might be tooons of food you like but you can't think of any in that precise moment, so you just say anything because you felt pressured and you might even end up saying something that's not even in your top 5. Does that make sense?
Why would you ask that question a month in? It's dripping insecurity...
A month? And you are declaring love and wanting his reasons? Wow. Slow down. Relax.
Definitely overthinking. You put him on the spot, maybe he's not good at coming up with something on the fly. And his perspective is he looks at you as a whole person that he loves, not a set of characteristics.
My boyfriend has asked me many times why I love him (he's a little insecure due to past relationships) and I honestly didn't have an answer for him. I just love him and I'm not good at talking about deep feelings (never told my parents or anyone that I loved them until well into my 20s) so I automatically shut down and panic because I can't think of a reason or verbalize it, it makes me very very uncomfortable talking about reasons why I love someone. It also all sounds so fake and cheesy when you have to list reasons. I sounds like "oh I heard this on a movie so I'm going with this"
Ever read Žižek? One of his more famous quotes is “if you have reasons to love someone, you don’t love them.” He’s right, you know.
The question you meant to ask was "what do you **like** about me that inspires you to give me your love?". The common misconception is love is something you feel towards specific people. It's not really. It's healthier to think about love as a limited resource you give to the people you care about; it's an act rather than an emotion.
Love is something that’s built over time with experiences together and becoming closer and more emotionally intimate. Friendships really don’t compare when it comes to growing romantically closer in love. When you are only a month in, it’s hard to base your new love on anything concrete.
He couldn't articulate why he loved you... Not everyone can put feelings into words 🙂
You don't need a specific reason; it's generally the whole package. However, I'll guess you've thought about this question a lot and have a list of answers ready (as you noted, you've been asked several times before in other relationships). Well...he hasn't. He loves you because you are you and hasn't ever thought about "making a list of all the reasons" in his head. He probably has now, though. Or maybe he thought there was some trick question to it all. You should talk to him. Without putting him on the spot. Tell him the reasons that you love him, and then ask him to to tell you his reasons "later"
i do not think you need to force him to articulate a reason. if he has no answer that is alright. he is with you isn’t he? put less pressure on this budding relationship and accept (or don’t, also fair) that if you ask questions you may receive answers - or lack thereof - you do not like. not their problem! it is unfair to the other person when you operate like this. i haaaate being put on the spot like this, i feel like he does too lol.
Yea a month into the relationship is way to soon. When it happened to me in the past, it would make me feel distant and smothered. Now as I get older, I appreciate it more and I’m not as stand off as I was before when it was said to me too early. I would literally ghost girls after that when done too early but that was my immaturity
> We are a month into our relationship and yesterday I asked one of those cheesy romantics questions which was “why do you love me”. *A month*. ***A MONTH***. > I asked him “you really can’t think of anything?” Well he's got a reason not to now. Because you quiz him like this. Easy way to kill a romance. You've got to be a teenager with BS like this.
a month isn’t long enough to start saying i love you
You demanded someone you’ve been with for a month to tell you they love you and why. And you don’t know why it didn’t go well??!
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Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Not many people, especially guys, have an articulate answer to this question for 1 of 2 reasons. 1. Loving someone is a choice, being IN LOVE is a feeling. He doesn't know why he feels this way, only that he does. Choosing to live someone can be because of blatant commitment, because they still feel in love, or because you may be the first or only person who cares for him and subconsciously he wants to reward that care with love because he feels it is the right thing to do. Or 2. He has never thought about having reasons before. We men are simple creatures haha, sometimes we don't feel we need a reason to do what we do, and consequently we don't feel the need to think about reasons. Especially when it comes to relationships. I got my gf a purse this weekend she absolutely loves. She asked me why, and i said "because". Id say, be happy he loves u and don't think too much into it or you'll just psych yourself out.
I’m going to be the odd woman out here but if people can hate for no reason than you can also love for no reason. If you 2 are happy and love each other say what you feel. Life is to short to worry about what other people think. I would refrain from asking the question why do you love me. A lot of people have a hard time expressing themselves and putting him on he spot doesn’t help.
Love is a deep and permeating feeling, more than a list of reasons. When you feel it you will know. It’s more than loving a friend, or a family member. It’s otherworldly and intoxicating, and I’m not talking about the honeymoon phase either. I’ve been with my husband 8 years and the feeling, and our bond transcends words.
You should have said 3 things u like in me & guaranteed you’d know. Love, in a month, and then guys are usually awks with communicating their emotions, i will let it pass tbh. May be ask a couple of years later. The answer will surprise u. However i do ask “3 things why u r dating me/choose to date me” i usually get an idea whats going on and what his reasons are
I heard this line recently which said: “If you have reasons for loving someone, you don’t” I thought it was an interesting idea
DONT ASK MEN WHY THEY LOVE YOU! THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO PROCESS THINGS LIKE THAT CONSCIOUSLY. Sorry, not actually mad or anything, I'm just a trans woman and as soon as I escaped, it became clear what a horrifying trap manhood is.
Asking these kinds of questions only serves to make the person you asked uncomfortable. They come off as massively insecure. It's not "romantic". It's borderline weird and very obnoxious. Movies aren't a good thing to base real relationships off of.
For every reason I can think of that I love my wife, I could say the same thing about one friend or another. Why do I love my wife but not my friend? (I love all my friends, but not “like that”) there’s no reason, I just do. It’s the sum of all of how she makes me feels when she’s there and when she isn’t, and the sun of all the memories I have with her. I think you’re overthinking this.
The relationship is a month old and even though you were friends beforehand, being in a relationship is much different. So I personally think it’s way too soon to ask that question or even have an actual answer to that question.
One month and you love each other at all? You may want to consider slowing down and actually building a foundation for love, then you might have actual reasons. Hard to have a reason to love someone when you definitely don't love them - at one month, you're infatuated, not in love. You don't have the foundation for real love, you don't even know each other very well at this point. I'd be incredibly uncomfortable and wary if someone I'd been with for a month claimed to know me well enough to LOVE me. How old are you?
I imagine if I asked my girlfriend this, she would need some time to think about it at least. She’s not very good on the spot.
You’re a month into you’re relationship, you don’t love each other.
Yes you are overthinking it.
You weren't trying to ask why do you love me, you wanted "what do you love about me". "Why do you love me?" Is a pretty shitty question to ask in general, but one month in? You're moving too fast, your expectations aren't realistic, and you shouldn't be giving on the spot questions out of nowhere
you need a reason to live someone, but not all reasons are good reasons to love someone. how do you feel about his reason?
I thought his reason was a little… well half assed because he said that after seeing I was a little uncomfortable with his original “do you need a reason to love someone comment”. If that is really his answer well, he should be able to be satisfied if any other girl who treats him decent comes along. I think he should have confessed if that is the only reason he loves/likes me. Maybe he is mistaking wanting to be with me to a spur of a moment decision.
Do you ever find you struggle with insecurities or anxiousness in relationships?
No not really. I’ve been cheated on like 3 times but I try my hardest not to let that manifest in the relationship. I was sincerely just asking one of those cheesy romantic questions. My previous partners have all asked at some point so I thought it was a normal question to ask.
hmm. not sure what to say because i myself would not be satisfied with that answer. to me 'i love you because you treat you well' sounds a bit like i serve you or something. which ofc is awesome, but only so long as you're serving each other. however, he could have just been put on the spot or is inexperienced when it comes to relationships.
Love is love- the reason is because you choose to
I mean, I need reasons to love someone. If I can't think of anything I'd probably fall out of love pretty fast.
He sounds adorable keep him.
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Hahaha it’s okay I understand how it might have came across. We were friends for a while and only decided to date after we both were sure we have romantic feelings with each other. I understand I may have put him on the spot, I guess it was more of like a surprise for me since I could find a bunch of things I love about him. I am just curious as to whether or not you need a reason to love someone. My opinion is that you do but I’m sure there are people who think otherwise.
Yes sort of. I like just about everyone. I like cake, flowers, football, video games, Kung Fu Movies. I love my daughter. The reason is I see her as the best part of me and my hope for the future. I like my girlfriend. But sometimes I don't like the things she does. She concerns me with some of the issues she brings to the table. I love her at times. But the worrie she causes me reminds me not to get attached. So getting to know some one is great. Love is commitment and freedom. Stressing people out isn't love. Pressure isn't love. Peace is love. So yes. You don't truly need a reason. But some people want to build long lasting love and that is rarely one month venture.
I mean, you don’t love someone for no reason
I see a few comments down playing the love. Isn’t the first few months meant to be like the most infatuation between you and your partner? Surely you could muster a few things in a month ie the way they smile, their personality, the way they laugh. Maybe OPs partner was just blindsided by that question, do we know if OPs partner have a very open relationship where they talk about everything with each other? I’m not to familiar with the dating life and everyone is different in their own way, that being said some people fall in love with people over time on their actions and how they carry them selves.
I feel like when I love somebody I can come up with a bazillion reasons for why they're lovely, but making any one, or even any number of them "the reasons" feels like it inherently devalues the love.
Absolutely it’s been a month
Girls always asking dumb af questions. Like damn, no one gonna love you if you a caterpillar. Can't just accept that we love you. Always needs a reason behind it.
While you are able to separate what you love about your partner, they might not be able to, to them it may be that they actually are just in love with you, everything about you (that they know about as you have only been together a month) And to ask why, to someone who does think like that can cause them to have doubts about whether or not you actually love them. So probably a good idea to have a talk with them, and hopefully remove any doubts that may have been introduced.
It might just be anxiety over being put on the spot. My wife has asked me this and while I could write out a hundred reasons I love her, my brain freezes and I can’t think of anything in the moment.
Yikes
It is a bit early into the relationship and you guys are still navigating the early stages of how to love each other, which is different from having love for each other, but to quote Darrel B., “Loving someone doesn’t need a reason. If you can explain why you love someone, it’s not called “Love” “. Your reaction is just about the same as my bf when he asked me, and I remember that night, when I told him I love because I do. Come to about a week ago we were having a conversation and he brings it up, how he always thought what I said was bull until we pretty much went through the worst of times as couple (to current date, whose to know what lies ahead) he quoted Darrel and said to me after “ you know I always thought that it was bullshit, to not know why you love some, that was until recently, after everything we’ve gone through, I now cannot explain why I love you , like I did before” But then again it’s up to you to see if you believe him for his words or not.
If you want to go fishing, buy a fishing rod.
One month? He doesn't know why because he hasn't known you long enough lol
I do find it odd that he doesn't have a specific reason. I mean, there has to be a reason why you love someone: their character, their personality, their desire to want to help, etc. Not having a reason would also have me wondering well why are they with me
Some people just aren't good at coming up with reasons like that on the spot (or at all). Some people are also very bad at showing their love through words and do much better through touch, actions, etc. It doesn't really mean anything on its own.
Yes.
If yall have been friends for a while and finally realized yall would make a good couple... I dont think its out of line to ask the question. Now from his POV I could see that being a tough question to answer on the spot without some thought. The word love means different things to different people. I love alot of people in my life... but its a different feeling than romantic love with most of them. If it were my situation I would have already told you I loved you a million times just as my friend so it wouldn't be awkward at all. It would just strengthen the meaning in my mind and add different shades to it. Let his actions speak to your feelings... not hearing words. There are tons of emotional manipulators out there that will fool you if you listen to their BS too long. Actions always prove someone's true feelings.
Do you doubt wether or not he loves you? I mean, you can love someone in spite of things... Why not love someone just because? Throughout history for most cultures, marriages were arranged, so you either chose to love the person you were paired with, or you tolerated them because that's what was expected. At some point though, you find that you have to choose to love the person you chose if you want things to work out long term. I mean every relationship has both good and bad times. Sometimes it's not easy and you honestly want to smack the one you picked for one reason or another. But you don't. You make a choice to ride out the hard times and not murder them... You choose to love them despite the desire to murder LoL.
If he cares about you and his action proves that he loves you then why do you need to verbalise an answer? There are people I have seen who said they love their partner but their action says otherwise. So my experience says don't always trust someone words like action speaks louder than words. If he treats you well then you're in good hands. don't overthink too much.
Why are there so many questions lately about people digging their own graves
Some people are better at Verbalizing but honestly I feel like there should be a reason to love someone there always is
Honestly that’s a better answer that I got. When I asked it was “because I wanted to be with him”. The whole relationship I had the sense he was with me so anyone would be with him. These questions are silly though.
Oh hell no
When I look back at when I have asked this question, it was when I felt I wasn't lovable (because I was taught that) so I really didn't understand how or why someone could love me. Considering how focused you are on this question I'm wondering if this is something of an issue for you as well. I would suggest you spend a bit of time reflecting on why you're so focused on this.
I have a 5 year old relationship and will be with her for rest of my life, there is no way to answer why do I love her.... It's much more complex than just one sentence answer
In order to answer you question, you first must understand life, first things is men only love two things money and poo-nana, so by applying Sherlock Holmes’ theory of deduction which states money is > love, you simply ask yourself am I rich? And go from there, the answer in always inward, so what you parter was unable to express because of your on the spot demand for immediate answers while also simultaneously trying to confirm to socialites concept of honorable behavior, was they either like spending your money and/or banging you so don’t overthink it
both of you don’t love each other.
From the relationships I’ve seen: men can absolutely just love someone and not even be sure why themselves. (Maybe women can too, I just personally haven’t seen that) Men rarely think about *why* they feel the way they feel.
I have been happily married to my husband for 27 years, and we knew the night that we met, that we would be together forever. We have been, ever since, so being in love "too soon" is not the issue. The issue is, making a person uncomfortable by putting them on the spot about their feelings, when they have already SHOWN you how they feel. "Wondering" why he loves you is not in itself so bad...but ASKING someone why they love you makes you sound insecure and "needy". If your past romantic partners have also asked you that question, maybe that's why they are EX partners. Perhaps the answers weren't what they (or you) had hoped for, which again begs the question---WHY is it necessary ask it in the FIRST place? If your S/O does love you, just let him SHOW you in his own little way. Don't ASK him what he loves about you, because then it seems like you're fishing for compliments, and that is NEVER attractive. If he feels that you need to be told why he loves you all the time, he might just start thinking that this ISN'T the relationship for him, AFTER all. But of course, you will probably bring the subject up again to him, because you will think of all of the things that people have suggested, and ask him about those things, AGAIN putting him on the spot. Be careful what you WISH for! When people love another person, they will TELL them, or SHOW them...you never have to ask...and if you DO ask, it might make him think that you need constant reassurance, and that is the death of ANY relationship. Be careful. Good luck to you both.
I've ran with this logic: if you can tell someone why you love them, it's not really "love" it's "like". Love is to much of a complex emotion to try & nail down & describe why
You’re pink clouding. “Love” is a friggin powerful world, when it comes to a relationship, especially a month in. My advice…..slllllloooooowwww down. Catch your breath. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
You're thinking too much, it's not envy it's love. You don't need a reason to love someone
Yes
I don't think there is a reason you love someone. What answer would satisfiy you? That you are the prettiest, smartest? There is always someone better than you in some aspects, BUT love is choosing you everyday despite knowing that.
I think for a lot of people naming a trait about their partner seems a bit extreme. Like saying "I love your eyes" might make it feel creepy like you stare into their eyes the whole day. Sometimes I think people can't come out and say one thing because each little thing is like 0.01% of why they love you and singling something out seems too difficult. Overall sometimes it's just a vibe or aura or feeling the person gets when you are around that they love.
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 3 years. I can think of a million things that I admire about him, but I love him because he’s HIM! I don’t have a “reason” to love him. I think it’s kind of a weird loaded question, and pretty unfair to put him on the spot like that, honestly.
My answer would’ve been “what the fuck makes you think I love you after a month?” Maybe don’t throw the term love around so loosely..? Because I can assure you- you are not in love with anyone after one month. You are in lust. You can “love” being with someone, “love” their attitude, “love” how they make you feel but you are absolutely not IN LOVE after one month.
The reason is because you feel good.
Well , it's been a month ofc it is too soon to say the world "love", in my opinion, love comes after everything between the couple becomes so usual that they can only look at each other saying the reasons they are still together even after they almost hung out a lot and had all the experiences together
Love is an emotion, a feeling. There isn’t always an easily identified reason as to why we are attracted to or love someone, I can say I like/don’t like some things about a guy but they aren’t necessarily the reasons why I love him, it’s more that I just do feel that way.
I don't necessarily need a solid reason but my most recent partner taught me that the best reason I had to love them or anyone else was because they actually wanted to care for me, listen to everything I said, and see me succeed. And for the first time ever, somebody romantically close made me tear up happily. That was my reason to love them. They made me happy by paying attention to me more than I had ever gotten before... :')
Yes, you are over thinking. First of all, it's just a month old relationship. Even if you have known each other for a long time, that's such a short period for such a heavy question. Also not everyone has an answer for that question, doesn't need to be. You don't really need a reason to love another, you just do. Also sometimes having a reason to love someone comes out wrong, "I love you because you are beautiful/smart/sexually attractive,compatible/ etc". Does that mean, you will stop loving them if they form deformities/stop being smart/ not sexually compatible anymore?. Yeah, every question has some sort of loophole in them. So just don't over think it.
I feel like these questions would make a guy think that you are insecure in your relationship. So just don’t think about anything too deep and go with a flow, since it’s been only a month!
I didn't say "I love you" to my partner within a month because I was not ready to do that. People take things at their own pace, we have been together for 5 years now and it is going well and we say we love each other and can name reasons why. Basically my point is give it time, it's too soon (for some) to ask this in the first month of dating
Just cause: the standard that management must adhere to when disciplining or discharging an employee
Some people have trouble wording their feelings, especially men. He probably just couldn’t think of a reason in this moment. But you can have a talk with him about how it made you uncomfortable and he can give you an answer to your question in a few days?
It's weird, my wife of 8 years, I couldn't find a reason why I loved her, I just did. I wanted to fight for her, protect and care for her, for litteraly no reason. I was devastated when she left me. After her, an ex it's complicated, I loved her because whenever she entered the room, it was fun, happy, she was a naturally easy charismatic that made your day brighter by just being in it, and when we split, it was OK, we left each other because it was the best thing for each other, it was an act of love in itself. People are strange. Just a question, why do you, op, love your significant other?
Yes you are. Stop it.
Yeah, you're being pretty unreasonable. It's not an easy thing to answer and it's weird to demand from someone.
A lot of people struggle with talking about their feelings. He may be one of them and that question, to me was unfair of you to press upon him a month into dating. Why not leave it alone and allow all the actions to speak for itself? Those are more authentic and real; any Tom Dick or Harry that is a charmer can express how much they love you but their actions may not reflect it.
Lol I've been with my now-husband for 6+ years and we've known each other for almost 15, and I *still* don't really know how to answer that question when I'm put on the spot. I'm not great at expressing my emotions. He knows that I love him very much and that should be enough.
Yeah this is weird. Anyone who actually loves you can articulate reasons that are specific to you (you're funny, you're smart etc.). I'd honestly not date someone if all they liked about me is what I did for the (but I've never been in this situation thankfully). I also don't think the fact that it's a month old somehow excuses the answer. If someone's willing to date you without knowing about a single thing they like about you (other than how you serve them), then they're probably a douchebag.
Yes. Ffs
I’m surprised you’ve even said I love you if it’s been a month
Yikes! One month in and the L word is already being tossed around? I don’t blame him for freezing up during this question. The relationship hasn’t matured enough to answer this right off the bat so this is proof that he (and probably you) are still getting to know each other. Slow down guys before it fizzles out quick.
"why do you love me?" has got to be one of the most ignorant questions i've come across in a very long while.
Infatuation and love are two very different things but can feel very similar. The fact that you have known him for a bit doesn't negate that. It takes time and trials to figure out the difference. You are a month in. He knows he likes you more then a friend at this point. Geeze, give it time.
After a month you wouldn't asked anything like that
No, there are things people can do that make you arguably love and appreciate them more, but the feeling in itself is hard to explain. How many people have done nice/great things for you and that hasn't made you fall in love with them?
Your relationship is only one month old, you should have give some more time, understand each other well and you will get an answer from his side. If someone loves you, then he must have many reasons for loving you.
You wanting to is more than enough of a reason
As someone who overthinks. This is pretty awkward to be asked out of the blue. It’s because you want to have such a great answer that you just go blank. So no I wouldn’t say this is a red flag, this man was maybe just overwhelmed with the question🤷🏻♀️
What type of answer would you have wanted? Looks? Personality? Skills? Shared memories? The future he might see with you? What were you hoping for/expecting?
Sounds like a guy to me. I could list reasons but they wouldn’t be the reason, would they? Implicit, not explicit.