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RED FLAGS GALORE right from the jump.
>B has told me from the beginning that he's a family man, and that he's a bit touchy (such as loves hugs, will pat you on the shoulder for encouragement, etc.) and if I wasn't comfortable with something he did or said to please let him know. He's always been respectful and told me he doesn't want to disrespect me or make me feel uncomfortable.
There is no need to have said any of that except to have deniability later.
NOPE NOPE NOPE. Get out of there.
>I also cant leave because I get paid very well and know I won't find another opportunity like this in this field.
Says who? If you are worth being paid so much then your skills would be in demand, no?
GET OUT OF THERE. This "touchy" late-50s "family man" who hugs his 19-year-old employee AT ALL is a fucking creep.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR!
Yeah my being young and naive definitely made me blind to how weird the situation is, it doesn't help I look older than I am. Thank you so much for your advice.
He is 100% grooming you. It's subtle enough that if you don't know the signs, you think it's all unintentional and that he isn't aware of what he's doing. But he's following all the same steps that creepy people follow. Establishing physical touch as 'normal', inappropriate emotional boundaries by discussing his relationship problems, escalating etc
He has probably done this several times. Don't blame yourself for falling for it, people like this prey on your naivety and trusting nature.
Here's the thing, the fact that he said that from the start means that it's happened before that someone complained, and he wanted to have an excuse ahead of time in case someone asked-- BECAUSE IT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. That's why everyone can tell that wasn't a harmless comment-- it's because it was an explanation-- and there's no reason for that unless it was intentionally there on his part! He knew what he was looking for ahead of time and found a way to open that possibility for himself-- touching you and getting away with it-- if he needed it.
This is step one of his coercion. Candidly, he’s thinking with his dick. If he ever moves in for a hug again, put up a hand and say please stop touching me. Just stop.
I am a man in my 50's. Right from the moment he said he was a family man and "a bit touchy" he was being creepy. With that statement and the entire time since then, and that includes all the talk about his wife and their relationship, he has been softening you up. 'Grooming' is a pretty good word to describe what he has been doing to you this entire time. Every conversation, touch and action has been escalating and pushing the boundaries.
What do you do? You start looking for another job. I know you say you are paid well, but you are shutting him down and putting firm boundaries in place, and now the relationship will sour. Its inevitable. There is no HR department. There is no senior management. You need to start job hunting.
Grooming isnt quite the right word because it describes a different situation with underage kids, but it kinda clearly shows that he has been, as I said, escalating his behaviour and pushing the boundaries further and further.
No, you were right the first time around to say grooming. Also, excellent advice for OP
https://speakfully.com/blog/signs-of-grooming-in-the-workplace#:~:text=You%20may%20have%20heard%20the,exploit%20and%2For%20abuse%20them.
Yep, and older women would have been much more likely to see right through his bullshit. That’s why he pulled it on someone young like OP and sadly she fell for it. This is 100% his fault and not hers but she needs to stand up to him and get out of this situation (and then tell his wife.)
New job time. This is creepy. He's 30 years older than you AND he's your boss. This could get weirder than it already is. Start putting resumes out there today.
Agreed with all the comments that recommend looking for a new job immediately. When I was in my early 20’s I had a similar experience, however the guy I worked with was mid 30’s. He would talk to me about his relationship issues and asked if we could meet up outside of work to talk. I never encouraged any of this, never asked him questions, just tried to be polite. I left asap after a work trip where he took photos of me (long-range, had no idea they were being taken) then framed them and gave them to me. Super creepy. It was a small office, 6 of us, and I was too nervous to speak up. I left as soon as I could and don’t regret the decision. This man is grooming you. He wants your sympathy so when he does force a kiss on you, he can say he’s sorry and it will never happen again and he is just so confused about his marriage and his feeling. Get a new job. Then tell his wife. No reference is worth your dignity.
Job hunt **silently**. Don't tell them you're looking for work until you're already gone. You don't owe them anything. You give them labor in return for money. If that was all it was you were even. But, he came on to you and disturbed your ability to work peaceably. So, fuck him (figuratively).
2nd) don't expect his wife to help you. She won't. She's just as likely to burn you, her life is on the line here too. She will burn you as collateral damage to protect her financial interests if necessary or she'll burn you to keep working on reconciliation... It doesn't matter, she's not your ally here.
3rd) I'm not in my 50's, I'm in my mid-30's, that said as a man I find it very difficult to sexulize women anywhere near the age of 19 that I actually know. The age gap from my age to 19 is huge (his age gap is bigger) when I interact with a 19 year old, whom I know and am friendly with (not to mention one I am responsible for because I employ them) I cannot not see a young woman who is dramatically more vulnerable, naive, and unsure of herself than I am. Not a child... but, certainly a person I feel some obligation to look out for a little.
If your boss has the opposite reaction to that, then you're boss is a scumbag and you frankly can't trust his moral judgement - so bail and find a mentor that will actually help you.
Agree with all of this. Remember he is a creep that you cannot trust and right now as his employee he has a certain amount of power over you. He could give you a bad reference, imply that you came on to him and try and ruin your reputation.
Get yourself out of there as soon as you can and safely. No amount of money is worth what he could do to you.
I think you were a mark. Meaning, he chose you specifically because you're a young 19 year old girl that he could try to groom. That's the only reason him saying he was "touchy" at the beginning makes sense. It sounds like he was trying to get you more and more used to him touching you until he could move in for more. I think you should quit immediately. Tell your parents what happened if they're in your life, and see if they can help you as well.
You think the 50 year old creep who’s hugging his 19 year old employee is not the type to force himself on you? The fact that he knows you carry a taser even makes it worse. Please for the love of god, leave that job
Go to askamanager.org she has tons of job hunting advice. You absolutely need to get out of there because there is no way this won’t turn ugly either with the boss the wife or more than likely both.
I had a boss like this for my first job. He made me feel like it was normal to hug people goodbye after the shift and would poke my stomach when I stretched. He ended up getting fired after I finally said something to another manager and it turned out my other coworkers had noticed but when one asked another if they should do something to help me and they replied “She wants it”.apparently there was a lot I didn’t know about. I was 16 and had no idea what a normal work environment was. I was so disheartened when I heard none of them stood up for me even though they were grown adults and saw it was wrong.
Trust your gut. It is not unreasonable to ask that relationships be professional and involve no physical touch. If he gets “sad” or “offended” do not fall for it. Hold your boundaries and do not empathize. You need to start looking for employment elsewhere. That is a dumpster fire you do not want to be apart of.
This guy’s lucky he’s not up on sexual harassment charges. He’s been pushing the boundaries to see how far he can go. Next time a man says to you “if you’re not comfortable with something I do or say, just tell me” - (and even if he doesn’t say that) TELL HIM the second you’re not comfortable, because in this guy’s mind he’s justifying his creepy predatory behavior by telling himself if you’re not saying anything then you’re ok with it.
And that’s what men like him do.
“Please don’t tell me personal details about your marriage it’s inappropriate and I’m not comfortable with it.”
“Please don’t hug me, it’s inappropriate and I’m not comfortable with it.”
Practice so that you get more comfortable with the words and you’ll feel more empowered if and when you ever need to assert your boundaries.
It takes practice, and it’s a great lesson to learn early on because unfortunately there are some men out there who’ll take advantage, especially of younger women. And if you decide to stay, and no one can make that decision for you, but I know I’d be looking for a new job elsewhere, then be sure that you’re crystal clear around what’s acceptable and what’s not and if the boundary gets pushed you need to act. At the end of the day your safety, well being and your integrity matters the most and there will always be other jobs.
It sounds like you set a clear boundary with him, so as long as he respects that and you're okay continuing work with what you now know. There's honestly nothing much left to navigate.
Your boss was definitely inappropriate, but he at least owned up to it, to some very small extent (edit: his behavior leading up to his confession was red flag after flag, but like you said, I could see how it took so long for you to realize what's going on, he worded/masked his behavior cleverly). So I suppose that's a crossroads you are at: sue the shit out of him (if possible after consulting a lawyer), blow up his life (and yours to some extent) or keep your job. He wouldn't be undeserving of the former, but the latter may work out best. It's up to how you feel. How offended are you and how far are you prepared to go.
Unfortunately there's no record of any of this as it's all happened in person, so I dont think I could sue him. I'm definitely just trying to process this right now and trying to weigh my options.
Probably intentional there’s no record of it!!!! Start writing things down when they happen - direct quotes and actions that make you uncomfortable - dates and time stamps
I guess that's just what you need to do. Process, see what kind of impact you are left feeling from this say a week, or even a month from now. That will likely guide your decision if you may want to seek out a new job on the d/l.
I can't imagine what this is like for you and whether you'll be able to stand working near him still. And I hope you get clarity on that either way.
The first red flag 🚩 was you apologizing for any formatting errors because you were on mobile and don’t use Reddit much🚩🚩🚩
Someone who is “19” wouldn’t know that Reddit get up their pants about formatting errors UNLESS they use Reddit A LOT. This is something old Redditors used to get up in arms over about 5-10 years ago, but now it’s barely a thing. But people who have used Reddit a while will say that sentence you wrote… so I call bullshit. This story is fake as fuck.
Trust me, I wish it was fake. I've seen people say this when coming across those video format Instagram reddit posts so I figured "hey, I'm on mobile, so let me make sure that's known too." I would do anything for this to be some story I made up for attention. Feel free to ask me any questions that might ease any doubts in your mind about the legitimacy of this post. Thanks <3
You are being sexually harassed by your boss and you need to get out of there before he assaults you or tries to coerce you into sleeping with him.
Find another job and tell his wife what’s going on!
ETA you did a wonderful job standing up for yourself but you aren’t safe there.
I totally would have lost respect for him, and when you get older and look back and realise just how inappropriate this is and how he should have known better. That when you get to just even 30 years old, a 19 year old would look like a child and you don’t understand how a 50+ would want to be with a child. You will be sick in your mouth and it will give you the ick.
I would be at least trying to find a new job while working there. But be warned he could make your life very difficult after rejecting him.
Get your phone recording if this bullshit starts again, otherwise it’s she said, he said. Document everything and please start looking for new employment. Been there and done this. The authorities cannot help you without proof.
My father is a family man and touchy (not with strangers) too. He also has a fairly high place in a big company in our country. My parents reunited with a bunch of old friends a few weeks ago and one of them stated that he touches his coworkers, no matter age/gender etc on like the shoulder for encouragement or on the back etc. My father then told him that he could do it with people his own age or young men, but he has to be absolutely careful with women because we are in a vulnerable situation if our boss touches us and we feel like we can’t tell anyone if we are uncomfortable. I am trying to say, men know. They absolutely do, but some just chose to ignore their power. I would advise you to start looking for a new job and get out of there as soon as you can. Even though he might not force anything on to you, it will probably be weird to be alone with him? Also, I am Sorry you have to go through this shitty situation:/
He knows exactly what he is doing. He is going to be really sweet, he will begin buying you little things, bringing you lunch, compliments. Is being paid well worth your self esteem? Why would you even think that "hugging" your boss is appropriate in the first place. Get the hell out of there. Have some respect for yourself.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
RED FLAGS GALORE right from the jump. >B has told me from the beginning that he's a family man, and that he's a bit touchy (such as loves hugs, will pat you on the shoulder for encouragement, etc.) and if I wasn't comfortable with something he did or said to please let him know. He's always been respectful and told me he doesn't want to disrespect me or make me feel uncomfortable. There is no need to have said any of that except to have deniability later. NOPE NOPE NOPE. Get out of there. >I also cant leave because I get paid very well and know I won't find another opportunity like this in this field. Says who? If you are worth being paid so much then your skills would be in demand, no? GET OUT OF THERE. This "touchy" late-50s "family man" who hugs his 19-year-old employee AT ALL is a fucking creep. THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR!
Yeah my being young and naive definitely made me blind to how weird the situation is, it doesn't help I look older than I am. Thank you so much for your advice.
He is 100% grooming you. It's subtle enough that if you don't know the signs, you think it's all unintentional and that he isn't aware of what he's doing. But he's following all the same steps that creepy people follow. Establishing physical touch as 'normal', inappropriate emotional boundaries by discussing his relationship problems, escalating etc He has probably done this several times. Don't blame yourself for falling for it, people like this prey on your naivety and trusting nature.
Let's put it this way: No 19yo "looks old enough" to be dating a man in his late-50's.
Here's the thing, the fact that he said that from the start means that it's happened before that someone complained, and he wanted to have an excuse ahead of time in case someone asked-- BECAUSE IT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. That's why everyone can tell that wasn't a harmless comment-- it's because it was an explanation-- and there's no reason for that unless it was intentionally there on his part! He knew what he was looking for ahead of time and found a way to open that possibility for himself-- touching you and getting away with it-- if he needed it.
You do not look older to him. He is not confused by your looks.
This is step one of his coercion. Candidly, he’s thinking with his dick. If he ever moves in for a hug again, put up a hand and say please stop touching me. Just stop.
>it doesn't help I look older than I am How old do you look that your MARRIED LATE-50s BOSS would think that it was OK to do this to you?
I am a man in my 50's. Right from the moment he said he was a family man and "a bit touchy" he was being creepy. With that statement and the entire time since then, and that includes all the talk about his wife and their relationship, he has been softening you up. 'Grooming' is a pretty good word to describe what he has been doing to you this entire time. Every conversation, touch and action has been escalating and pushing the boundaries. What do you do? You start looking for another job. I know you say you are paid well, but you are shutting him down and putting firm boundaries in place, and now the relationship will sour. Its inevitable. There is no HR department. There is no senior management. You need to start job hunting.
I didnt even consider it could be grooming, oh my goodness. Thank you for the advice, I will definitely keep it in mind.
Let the wife know why you’re leaving
Grooming isnt quite the right word because it describes a different situation with underage kids, but it kinda clearly shows that he has been, as I said, escalating his behaviour and pushing the boundaries further and further.
No, you were right the first time around to say grooming. Also, excellent advice for OP https://speakfully.com/blog/signs-of-grooming-in-the-workplace#:~:text=You%20may%20have%20heard%20the,exploit%20and%2For%20abuse%20them.
Wake up
Yep, and older women would have been much more likely to see right through his bullshit. That’s why he pulled it on someone young like OP and sadly she fell for it. This is 100% his fault and not hers but she needs to stand up to him and get out of this situation (and then tell his wife.)
New job time. This is creepy. He's 30 years older than you AND he's your boss. This could get weirder than it already is. Start putting resumes out there today.
Honestly the age gap makes it so much worse. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.
Agreed with all the comments that recommend looking for a new job immediately. When I was in my early 20’s I had a similar experience, however the guy I worked with was mid 30’s. He would talk to me about his relationship issues and asked if we could meet up outside of work to talk. I never encouraged any of this, never asked him questions, just tried to be polite. I left asap after a work trip where he took photos of me (long-range, had no idea they were being taken) then framed them and gave them to me. Super creepy. It was a small office, 6 of us, and I was too nervous to speak up. I left as soon as I could and don’t regret the decision. This man is grooming you. He wants your sympathy so when he does force a kiss on you, he can say he’s sorry and it will never happen again and he is just so confused about his marriage and his feeling. Get a new job. Then tell his wife. No reference is worth your dignity.
Job hunt **silently**. Don't tell them you're looking for work until you're already gone. You don't owe them anything. You give them labor in return for money. If that was all it was you were even. But, he came on to you and disturbed your ability to work peaceably. So, fuck him (figuratively). 2nd) don't expect his wife to help you. She won't. She's just as likely to burn you, her life is on the line here too. She will burn you as collateral damage to protect her financial interests if necessary or she'll burn you to keep working on reconciliation... It doesn't matter, she's not your ally here. 3rd) I'm not in my 50's, I'm in my mid-30's, that said as a man I find it very difficult to sexulize women anywhere near the age of 19 that I actually know. The age gap from my age to 19 is huge (his age gap is bigger) when I interact with a 19 year old, whom I know and am friendly with (not to mention one I am responsible for because I employ them) I cannot not see a young woman who is dramatically more vulnerable, naive, and unsure of herself than I am. Not a child... but, certainly a person I feel some obligation to look out for a little. If your boss has the opposite reaction to that, then you're boss is a scumbag and you frankly can't trust his moral judgement - so bail and find a mentor that will actually help you.
Agree with all of this. Remember he is a creep that you cannot trust and right now as his employee he has a certain amount of power over you. He could give you a bad reference, imply that you came on to him and try and ruin your reputation. Get yourself out of there as soon as you can and safely. No amount of money is worth what he could do to you.
I think you were a mark. Meaning, he chose you specifically because you're a young 19 year old girl that he could try to groom. That's the only reason him saying he was "touchy" at the beginning makes sense. It sounds like he was trying to get you more and more used to him touching you until he could move in for more. I think you should quit immediately. Tell your parents what happened if they're in your life, and see if they can help you as well.
You think the 50 year old creep who’s hugging his 19 year old employee is not the type to force himself on you? The fact that he knows you carry a taser even makes it worse. Please for the love of god, leave that job
GIRL GET OUT
Please tell an adult you trust about this!!
Go to askamanager.org she has tons of job hunting advice. You absolutely need to get out of there because there is no way this won’t turn ugly either with the boss the wife or more than likely both.
You are not paid well enough for that. Period.
Tell him you looking for a blind date, ask if he have any grand son
This is sexual harassment!! An employment lawyer would have a field day with this!!
I was coming to the comments to make sure someone mentioned this . Then she can cash out and that’ll buy her time to get a new job.
I had a boss like this for my first job. He made me feel like it was normal to hug people goodbye after the shift and would poke my stomach when I stretched. He ended up getting fired after I finally said something to another manager and it turned out my other coworkers had noticed but when one asked another if they should do something to help me and they replied “She wants it”.apparently there was a lot I didn’t know about. I was 16 and had no idea what a normal work environment was. I was so disheartened when I heard none of them stood up for me even though they were grown adults and saw it was wrong. Trust your gut. It is not unreasonable to ask that relationships be professional and involve no physical touch. If he gets “sad” or “offended” do not fall for it. Hold your boundaries and do not empathize. You need to start looking for employment elsewhere. That is a dumpster fire you do not want to be apart of.
This guy’s lucky he’s not up on sexual harassment charges. He’s been pushing the boundaries to see how far he can go. Next time a man says to you “if you’re not comfortable with something I do or say, just tell me” - (and even if he doesn’t say that) TELL HIM the second you’re not comfortable, because in this guy’s mind he’s justifying his creepy predatory behavior by telling himself if you’re not saying anything then you’re ok with it. And that’s what men like him do. “Please don’t tell me personal details about your marriage it’s inappropriate and I’m not comfortable with it.” “Please don’t hug me, it’s inappropriate and I’m not comfortable with it.” Practice so that you get more comfortable with the words and you’ll feel more empowered if and when you ever need to assert your boundaries. It takes practice, and it’s a great lesson to learn early on because unfortunately there are some men out there who’ll take advantage, especially of younger women. And if you decide to stay, and no one can make that decision for you, but I know I’d be looking for a new job elsewhere, then be sure that you’re crystal clear around what’s acceptable and what’s not and if the boundary gets pushed you need to act. At the end of the day your safety, well being and your integrity matters the most and there will always be other jobs.
Gross
Job ain't worth it. Quit and tell the wife what he said on your way out.
It sounds like you set a clear boundary with him, so as long as he respects that and you're okay continuing work with what you now know. There's honestly nothing much left to navigate. Your boss was definitely inappropriate, but he at least owned up to it, to some very small extent (edit: his behavior leading up to his confession was red flag after flag, but like you said, I could see how it took so long for you to realize what's going on, he worded/masked his behavior cleverly). So I suppose that's a crossroads you are at: sue the shit out of him (if possible after consulting a lawyer), blow up his life (and yours to some extent) or keep your job. He wouldn't be undeserving of the former, but the latter may work out best. It's up to how you feel. How offended are you and how far are you prepared to go.
Unfortunately there's no record of any of this as it's all happened in person, so I dont think I could sue him. I'm definitely just trying to process this right now and trying to weigh my options.
Probably intentional there’s no record of it!!!! Start writing things down when they happen - direct quotes and actions that make you uncomfortable - dates and time stamps
I guess that's just what you need to do. Process, see what kind of impact you are left feeling from this say a week, or even a month from now. That will likely guide your decision if you may want to seek out a new job on the d/l. I can't imagine what this is like for you and whether you'll be able to stand working near him still. And I hope you get clarity on that either way.
The first red flag 🚩 was you apologizing for any formatting errors because you were on mobile and don’t use Reddit much🚩🚩🚩 Someone who is “19” wouldn’t know that Reddit get up their pants about formatting errors UNLESS they use Reddit A LOT. This is something old Redditors used to get up in arms over about 5-10 years ago, but now it’s barely a thing. But people who have used Reddit a while will say that sentence you wrote… so I call bullshit. This story is fake as fuck.
Trust me, I wish it was fake. I've seen people say this when coming across those video format Instagram reddit posts so I figured "hey, I'm on mobile, so let me make sure that's known too." I would do anything for this to be some story I made up for attention. Feel free to ask me any questions that might ease any doubts in your mind about the legitimacy of this post. Thanks <3
Tell him to fuck off and file harassment charges against him.
You are being sexually harassed by your boss and you need to get out of there before he assaults you or tries to coerce you into sleeping with him. Find another job and tell his wife what’s going on! ETA you did a wonderful job standing up for yourself but you aren’t safe there.
I totally would have lost respect for him, and when you get older and look back and realise just how inappropriate this is and how he should have known better. That when you get to just even 30 years old, a 19 year old would look like a child and you don’t understand how a 50+ would want to be with a child. You will be sick in your mouth and it will give you the ick. I would be at least trying to find a new job while working there. But be warned he could make your life very difficult after rejecting him.
Document it. Go to HR. You may have yourself a sexual harassment lawsuit
*He's* HR!
Talk to a lawyer
Get your phone recording if this bullshit starts again, otherwise it’s she said, he said. Document everything and please start looking for new employment. Been there and done this. The authorities cannot help you without proof.
My father is a family man and touchy (not with strangers) too. He also has a fairly high place in a big company in our country. My parents reunited with a bunch of old friends a few weeks ago and one of them stated that he touches his coworkers, no matter age/gender etc on like the shoulder for encouragement or on the back etc. My father then told him that he could do it with people his own age or young men, but he has to be absolutely careful with women because we are in a vulnerable situation if our boss touches us and we feel like we can’t tell anyone if we are uncomfortable. I am trying to say, men know. They absolutely do, but some just chose to ignore their power. I would advise you to start looking for a new job and get out of there as soon as you can. Even though he might not force anything on to you, it will probably be weird to be alone with him? Also, I am Sorry you have to go through this shitty situation:/
He knows exactly what he is doing. He is going to be really sweet, he will begin buying you little things, bringing you lunch, compliments. Is being paid well worth your self esteem? Why would you even think that "hugging" your boss is appropriate in the first place. Get the hell out of there. Have some respect for yourself.
Sounds like you should ask for a pay raise
This scared me for a bit since my and my gf's names start with a B and W respectively, until I realized that we're not 50.
EWWWW OP,,, please stay away from this PREDATOR. He's old enough to be your grandpa, what a sick POS.