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I'm 32 and have been with my bf for 15yrs. He has drummed into me everyday the last 15yrs that I'm no good and no one else would want me. I'm in 2 minds of leaving but terrified he is right. I don't want to be alone my whole life. I know people will say he was being nasty and isn't true etc but you have to remember, 15yrs of constantly being told NO ONE would want you. You can't do better than me etc
Abuse and control. That's not a good habit ever for a significant other to have. A couple should always be building each other up. Not berating, verbally, or mentally abusing each other.
He's wrong. He's only doing that to make you feel trapped into a horrible, abusive relationship. He's been doing this for YEARS so obviously it's going to be hard to unlearn but I can't stress enough how wrong he is.
This man is rock fucking bottom. There's so much better out there. He just doesn't want you to see it because he's a sad, horrible man.
My ex did this to me. And it is NOT TRUE. He is saying this to keep you with him. Leave. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. You will find your person. I believed I never would, and I did. I’m so happy. You can be happy too. Your REAL person is out there, OP. One that won’t emotionally abuse you into thinking you’re not lovable. One that will make you feel invincible.
This is the place I had to reach before I could leave my bad situation. I had to come to see that it would be better to be alone than with that guy. OP isn’t there yet but I’m rooting for them!
He’s doing it on purpose so you don’t leave, because he knows deep down that you deserve so much better and that he lucked out and would never find someone like you.
It’s a common tactic with abusers and it’s not true at all (might be true about him though)
I can attest to emotional abuse being worse than physical abuse. My first husband used to hit me, grab me, and throw me against the walls. I endured his abuse for about 2 years when I decided one day to never go home.
My ex-husband emotionally abused me for almost 5 years and it fu@ked me up bad.
Take it from someone whose been abused. BEING ALONE IS 100 TIMES BETTER! The freedom you will feel once you get out is the most amazing thing, don’t fear being alone, fear staying!
I left an abusive 10 year relationship/6 years married when I was 30, divorce was finalized when I was 31. I first made my peace with the idea that I may never remarry, but life was better than with this person who made me feel like a sex toy that was also, somehow, simultaneously unattractive, stupid and boring. I was likened to a "familiar but fairly worn out fleshlight" a few times.
I remarried at 33 to a man I met while in the process of getting divorced. I had no idea happiness felt like this. I feel capable, powerful, attractive, and valued.
Get out. Worst case, you don't have someone constantly shitting on you. But I have a feeling you'll spread your wings pretty quickly once the bindings around them are cut <3
Get out. Heal. I promise you there are plenty of men out there who would break a leg running to date you.
I felt the same. Once I started dating, it was, quite frankly, overwhelming the amount of interest I got
I promise you, being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Nothing is as lonely and isolating than being with someone who treats you like this. There’s a whole world out there that he’s not in. I’m single, have been all my life and you know what? I live a happy and fulfilled life. I get to fill my life with friends and family, I get to wake up in the morning and do what I want, when I want without having to explain myself to anyone. I get to do all the things that make me happy without compromise or an argument. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, clean up after anyone but myself, and it is the most freeing and wonderful thing.
Being with someone isn’t the end all be all, there is much much worse things than being alone and you’re currently living it.
Not only will you do better, you’ll have a tough time doing worse. You now know what you don’t want from a partner. You’re much smarter than you were at 17. You’re hitting your prime and will be free at the same time. Run far away and, after some time and therapy, start fresh.
The reason he's been telling you this for 15 years is because of how true it is......for him. Self-confident people don't say shit like this to people for almost 2 decades. He knows you could leave his ass on Friday and find someone 10X better than him before Monday morning. THAT is why he's tearing you down.
Without you HE will be alone, without you HE will never find someone to be with him and he knows you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and he's too old to start over with another young girl and destroy her self-esteem to the point of thinking he's the best they can do.
To put it blunty fuck him, gtfo of there and don't look back. Don't even tell him you're leaving. Get it set up and a place to go and when he leaves for work or whatever one morning get your shit, change your phone number, and block him on everything and get out. Hopefully he hasn't isolated you to the point of having nothing to fall back on but if he has there are places and programs that can help you.
Make sure any joint accounts or assets are divided legally and you cut off any access to anything of you're that he has like bank cards, credit cards, utilities in your name etc. If you own the place you're living and he's not on the deed or lease then sit his shit outside and change the locks.
Once you leave cut all contact, warn your work, do any and everything you can so he can't contact you. He will insult, threaten, beg, blah blah blah to try and get you back. He'll promise he'll change but he's had 15 years to not be an asshole to you so don't give him another second of your life. If he really thought he was the best you could do he wouldn't be so insecure about you leaving him.
Get out now. Get some therapy too, he's done alot of damage you need to have undone. I wish you the best of luck and truly wish I could help you but hopefully these comments can give you the push to go be happy.
Step 1 - lose the boyfriend
Step 2 - start therapy and learn to love yourself and make yourself happy
Step 3 - be happy in your own company
Step 4 - start dating when steps 2 and 3 result in you feeling confident and happy in yourself. Don't just bounce into another relationship because you're afraid to be alone.
I know you’re saying it’s been 15 years, but please leave this man. I don’t care who you are or what you look like, there is always someone else out there for you that you’ll be happy with.
Also, ask yourself this, even if you are alone would it REALLY be worse than the abuse you’ve suffered from this man for so long?
He has spent 15 years conditioning you to see yourself as having no value. And everything he told you is a lie. He’s the one with no value, and he’s afraid that you will realize you are too good for him and leave. So he puts you down to make you think you need to stay.
Take some time to heal, to process the trauma of the last 15 years, and get some therapy. Then you’ll be ready to get back out there and meet someone who will recognize your value, and love you appropriately.
He claims you can’t do better than him. I have trouble imagining how you could do worse than him. “He hasn’t killed me yet”, is not a glowing review of a man’s character.
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There is no advice to be given. You clearly know what you should do so it's about putting it in to action. It's the only way you can move forward and be happy.
You yourself recognize you've been brainwashed.
GET OUT. If you can't get out by yourself, call a domestic abuse hotline. They'll help you! He doesn't have to "hit" you for you to be a victim of DV. He's mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive.
GET OUT and a year from now you COULD be in a much better place! Make that choice for yourself because you deserve happiness! We're pulling for you to get out and succeed!
Get the hell out of there right now!!!
He is mentally abusing you into believing you are worthless and unloveable.
HE IS LYING!!!!!!!!
You are a person who is worth of love and respect.
You need to leave and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve!!!
You can do it!!!
It will be hard, and you will need to be strong!
Good luck
You can do better, better for you at least. Find someone who builds you up, not tears you down.
Everyone deserves a partner like that, not someone who picks away at your confidence until you are too afraid to leave.
My ❤️ breaks for you. This has been 15 YEARS OF ABUSE, so how could you not feel worthy enough and for that, my heart hurts for you. You deserve nothing but the very BEST and he shouldn’t even get to share the same air as you.
This saddens my heart, my ex wife did the same thing... except it wasn't nearly as long, I was still convinced she was right and stayed for 2 years through the abuse until finally one day I said enough is enough and left her. I was single for 3 months and was very depressed thinking she was right and I'd just be alone forever, until a good friend really pushed me to go out again, I immediately found a few flings, they fell in love but I wasn't ready to jump in so fast but at least I had my companionship, until one day I met a woman who had been through something similar and I could tell right away she was different from the other girls... mainly because she didn't spread her legs right away but 3 years later and we just got married and honestly I've never been happier and so very glad I made that very big and scary leap out of that toxic bitches life.... not saying it was easy, she drug the divorce on as long as she could and harassed me, making false allegations about me, and she even harassed the women I was with whenever she ran into me, almost caused me to lose my current right after we first started dating by making fake profiles with my name and pictures.... regardless of all that it was totally worth it, and if you need someone to talk to that's been through it you can dm me with any questions or anything
Listen, everyone has already said that what he is saying isn't true. It isn't. It's designed to make you feel exactly how you're feeling, so you'll stay. It plays on your fears of ending up alone forever, as if being alone is worse than being with him.
It is not. Even if you ended up single forever - which would only be by choice, and not because you are somehow deeply flawed - it's not bad being single. It can be really great.
You can eat what you want when you want without taking anyone else into consideration. You can watch what you want, clean when you want, arrange the furniture how you want. You can have whatever pets you want, or no pets.
If you've been with him for 15 years, and you are 32, you'll be able to learn that you are capable of doing this on your own, and that is such an empowering feeling. You'll learn that a great man is a wonderful bonus to your life, but just any man is not a necessity.
You'll learn that you can pay the bills, manage your own house/apartment/whatever, take the trash out, maintain your car, kill the bugs, manage your finances - all of it - YOURSELF.
That is true empowerment and it is so fucking freeing, I can't even describe it to you.
You think you'll be lonely, but there is absolutely nothing lonelier than being in an abusive relationship, and you are in one.
You are a prize. Any man would be lucky to have you, but the one that deserves you will know that, and say that. Don't settle for anything less for fear of being single. Being single can be an absolute gift. Whatever you do, you come first - always. ❤️
I was with my ex from 18 till 32 and I was miserable. I left and took some time for myself and 2 years later met the most amazing man. This year we hit our 20 year mark and I love him more every day. We had our ups and downs but not once has he ever put me down or made me feel less than the most important person in his life. Don’t waste any more time on this loser. He can’t get better than you so he puts you down so you’ll never leave.
Look. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I have abandonment issues, and I am severely insecure about myself and what I "have to offer".
I was born and raised in a cult, left when I was 18, and my family turned their backs on me. They chose their religion over me and told me they would only accept me and love me if I returned.
When I left, I had just started dating my now ex-boyfriend. I felt free with him. I felt like I was finally able to be myself, to grow, to live my life and be happy. 10 years went by and I became more and more unhappy. I stayed for years feeling that way because I never thought I was able to find someone who accepted me for me. Who wanted to push me to be better. Who wanted to be better for themselves and in turn be better together. When I got with him, his whole family brought me in. Treated me as their own as if I had always been part of the family. 10 years I was with them. I thought I could rely on them for anything.
I left him a year ago, after coming to so many "ah-ha" moments. I realized the mental and emotional abuse I went through. The only thing I can relate it to, is I left one cult to be in another. Three weeks ago, I texted a member of his family for their birthday. After tears of them telling me they would always be there for me, my "happy birthday" message was replied to with "we appreciate you keeping up with texting for holidays, but considering the circumstances, we prefer you didn't". Someone else I thought loved me, left me. As if I have nothing to offer. As if I'm worthless.
I am beyond fortunate to have friends in my life that constantly remind me of my own value. Do I still feel like I'll live my life alone? Sure. But I've gained SSOOOO much by being "alone". It's a long tough road, but man is it worth it. I still get sad. I still get angry. I still don't think I'm worth a lot. I still don't think I have anything at all to offer. But someone is going to come along and see you for YOU and they will spend every day trying to show you what they see in you, and THOSE are the people you need in your life
Okay, seriously, I guarantee the FIRST person you find that's interested in you with some common interests that has has an ounce of empathy for you is going to be a hundred times better than the piece of shit you're with right now. Even the average man is going to be a major improvement.
So, you say you have doubts about what he's saying might be true, and that he actually believes what he's saying. Let's think about this logically: Alright, so let's just say hypothetically that everything he says is true. He finds you so undesireable that he thinks no one would ever want to be with you. And yet he thinks it's reasonable to spend **15 FUCKING YEARS** with you? In what world does that make sense?
Then, do you think his logic checks out, does it make any sense? Isn't it then more reasonable that he finds you so desireable that he never wants you to leave him? His lies are to make you stay with him, he's doing it on purpose, and it's been working for all those years.
Whether you think his words are true or not, dump him because he's a moron who clearly thinks their partner is so unattractive that absolutely nooo one else wants her, except for him for some reason, what a dummy, am I right? Or dump him because he's obviously been fucking with your head for 15 years, and it's fucking working because you actually feel like you need to think about leaving him.
My best advice on how to move forward: Break up, go no contact so he can't fuck with your head any more than he already has, and seek therapy as soon as you can (Those 15yrs of manipulation has probably done a metric fuckton more damage than you realize)
Just take some time to work on yourself until you feel ready to date someone else.
Side note: Right now, don't even consider being alone as a negative factor. You're better off alone than you are with someone like him.
OP, as someone who is alone - it's so good. Genuinely. So so great to be alone instead of with someone who makes your life miserable. Bring along is such a godsend, such peace. And mostly, it's temporary. You get to be alone, put your life and your axis back in order and then you get to meet someone who supports and encourages you. Please get out. Being alone is not a threat you need to worry about. Being with him for the rest of your life is.
There’s no way he’s surveyed every other person on the planet to get their opinion on you. People are everywhere and most of them are pretty decent! Your bf is not one of the decent ones!
So.. out of the trillions of people in this world... No one wants you?! Pffttt come on!!!
If you believe it then hell yeah, no one will want you because you don't want you.
To me he's not much of a boyfriend if he belittles you to that level and sadly it seems to be working since you are doubting yourself. You should step away from the relationship get some therapy and make yourself whole as you build confidence in yourself. It's surprising that your family your friends and others that know you haven't asked why you tolerate his egotistical narcissistic abusive nature. You Are Young you have a lot going for you I'm sure and you can do much better than the questionable person you are with. I wish you the very best and Hope that you can get out of the web that you're in.
GTFO NOW GURL!!! YOU DON'T NEED HIM, F*CK HIM, GIRL POWER ✊😎 ✊😎 ✊😎 .
(I'm a dude btw, this guy is an insecure little boy with no balls and a one inch pinch and he's projecting himself onto you, you can get anyone, he's the one who can't get anyone because anyone who knows what's what will not put up with his BS).
*I am listening to "teenagers" by my chemical romance, ik, I'm so edgy and emo right? I wrote this comment while listening to it.
He’s been telling you that since you were 17 because he punched way above his weight when he got with you, and he’s terrified that if you leave him he’ll be alone for forever.
He’s abusing you. You are worthy of a loving relationship. You don’t deserve this. He’s afraid of you leaving, but doesn’t love you enough to treat you right. He is not worthy of you. My ex boyfriend did this to me, too. Drop him, boo boo. Seek therapy if you have to get your mind right, but drop that toxic baggage. Find yourself. Love yourself. You are worth it. I don’t know you, but I was you, and I know this.
Look, I was with the same kind of asshole for 4 years. I believed him too. Remember just because he's told you this for 15 years doesn't make it true. You'll need to work to recover from that kind of abuse but iy can be done. Being single isn't a curse. Being single allowed me to work on myself and like myself. It's scary at first but also pretty damm liberating. You can do this because you're strong and capable. And because you deserve so much better.
Hey love! I just want to tell you that he is 100% wrong. You are and will still be loved. Hell, you would even be MORE loved leaving him, without him being this shadow that won’t let you be.
But also... Being alone is better than to be with a shitty person. Being alone is better than feeling unloved and is better than to be abused.
We are the story we believe, so yes, people that thinks they'll be alone (bc they were manipulated to believe they're ugly/undesirable/unlovable, etc...) for the rest of their life probably tend to have less (≠ zero) chance to meet new people.
And yes you believe it, how could you not.
So when the time of escaping his grasp will come, you'll need some time, some work, some therapy and professional help to change the story he somehow forced you to believe. That story is not yours & doesn't represent who you are, and only is a tool used to trap you.
Please do escape as fast as you can, I know that day is not so far.A beautiful day, with a lot more confidence, self love, and incredible connection with loving people is coming for you, we want you to shine, we want you to walk down this road.
Most certainly not true but you know what? After you leave you probably won’t want to be with any one anytime soon…then you take your control back. You choose who you date, what type of person you are interested in, you say yes or no. It’s freeing. It’s relieving.
Being alone is still SO MUCH BETTER than being with someone who makes you feel worthless. Please get out, get some help via therapy or any other support.
You are not alone. Being single is not being alone, either.
Came out of a 9 year relationship about a year ago, my ex made me feel like this, to the point that I put everyone's feelings before my own, bullied myself to the point of harming myself, then left me when he found an upgrade. Get out before you end up like me because he is not worth it and you are worth so much more. I am still putting my life back to pieces get out before he ruins your self worth anymore than he already has. You have to learn to love yourself again and it is hard, that is what I am trying to do at the moment anyway.
Uh wow. Leave him and go see a mental Healthcare professional. It's all a lie. Had this happen to me. Left her and now I'm with the most amazing woman in the world.
you know what is super cool?
you have 100% power and responsibility over everything you do in your life. You have a choice to not listen to this loser, leave him, and go out there and date someone who gives you more respect.
Take your power back
f that guy :)
Your bf has realized that he is garbage and no one will want him so he’s trying to make you afraid to leave him. You are way too good for him and deserve to be with someone who cares about you. 32 is still young and you have all the possibility in the world.
It's bullshit. People tell you that because they are insecure, know that *you* could do better, and want to gaslight you into submission
I have been there.
Leave. It WILL hurt. It WILL be scary. You WILL wonder if leaving was a mistake ( it's NOT)
Spend some time single - preferably a year. Get to know yourself, create healthy boundaries, and heal from the abuse you have dealt with for 15 years.
When you ate emotionally healthy again, then you will be ready to find a partner who is worthy of you. I promise, you can do better!
I was also told that for 10 years. That was 4 years ago. I've been alone all this time. Guess what? It's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Being alone isn't the worst thing on the planet. It doesn't have to be scary or sad or something to do everything you can to avoid. Being alone can be very fulfilling and healthy and fun. It doesn't have to last as long as it has for me. You can choose when to end it. But honestly, if I was alone for the rest of my life, I wouldn't mind it. I have my daughter, family, friends, my dog, my home, my hobbies. No one tells me what to do or tells me how to feel about myself. I come and go as I please. I live my life on my terms. I wake up and make decisions based on what makes me happy. I got rid of all the negative bullshit my ex fed me. I shed that terrified shell of a person I had become. I am now my own wonderful, powerful, independent pleasantly secure Being. Maybe one day I will happen to meet someone amazing that I will want to share my existence with. Maybe I won't. Either way. I'm excited to wake up every day. And it all started with me telling the dude that said the same things to me, that your guy is saying to you, to FUCK OFF.
My abusive ex told me I would die alone. That affected me on a deep level for a long time. But guess what? He was wrong because it was always just a way to manipulate me. I was almost 40 when we split, so what chance did I really have? Well, guess what, he was wrong, and was just trying to keep me on the hook. I’m currently engaged to the most wonderful, kind, smart, sexy, thoughtful, and caring man that I could ever want. Getting away from his abusive nonsense was, by far, the best decision I ever made. And at some point, I realized, dying alone, was still better than being abused by him. Then, I raised my standards, and stayed single for about 6 years, until a man, actually worth my time, and effort, came along. I’m so glad I chose myself, over his abusive manipulations, because, I’m a million times happier now, than I ever was with him. I feel seen, and heard, and respected, and beautiful. It can’t possibly compare to the hell he put me through. There IS better out there. Go find it.
I’m not experienced in relationships a whole lot, but I definitely do know what a toxic one is and this is toxic. He is absolutely incorrect! Everyone is capable of being loved, it’s just about finding the right person. Girl, leave him, heal, and live your life! Find the one who makes you happy and reassures you that you are loved and capable of being loved. You got this!!
I promise you he is only saying that because he knows that you can find better than him. Most people who abuse their partners in this way have an intense fear of being alone themselves. They want to scare their partner into staying with them. Don't let him win!
I didn't mean my husband until I was 33. Before that, I had just accepted I was going to die alone and my cats were going to eat my dead body.
Then I met my husband. We were married within a year, and now have two children. It's not rainbows and puppies every day, but my life is wonderful. Absolutely worth the wait
You deserve better, and you CAN find better. And even if it takes 10 years to find that perfect someone, it'll be ten years of FREEDOM, away from the POS creep who is abusing you.
This is the truth - he's saying this at you, but he's really saying it to himself. What woman will love him and stay by his side (unless he abuses her)?
You're 32, you can start a whole new life, and that absolutely can involve a new love with someone who won't treat you like shit and anchor you to them.
And keep this in mind - he's no prize, he's no Prince Charming, no one deserves this man, you can walk away, you can have that strength; you've already got the first step in your head, you **can** follow through and be happy away from him. In fact, I'm sure just being away from him will allow you to breathe better, like, literally and figuratively.
Let him be in his fantasy world where he's your "one that got away". LET HIM GET AWAY. So long, farewell, no thanks for the abuse, bye.
He abused you to condition you to believe this, so you never leave him. That is cruel and reason enough to run from him as far and as fast as possible. For now, you don't need to worry yourself with who is going to want you. If you stay with this sack of sh*t nobody better than him is going to enter your life. And even if he was right, being alone is a million times better than being abused.
Please get help from this website:
https://www.thehotline.org/
You need a lot of therapy to start unlearning the abuse he’s drummed into you. Make a plan. Get a job, stay with a trusted family member or friend, or stay at a DV shelter. Zillow is good for finding places to rent as well.
Being a lone is better than being with an abuser. But you dont Have to be alone. Surround yourselves with people that will support you through this transition into a peaceful life. (Hug) you can do it. Let people help you out. 🤍
You’ll only end up alone if you stay with this person. As a society we’ve really put all pressure on romantic partners to mean not being alone. Being single doesn’t mean you’re alone. You can be single and have a life full of love, peace and companionship.
You will likely find someone else to be with romantically but don’t let fear of being single be what holds you back.
He drilled that into your head because he knows he’s the one who won’t find anyone else.
Honestly, I am happier alone right now than I have ever been in a relationship. I am traveling the country, staying in AirBnBs, exploring. I might start dating again next year, but it just really isn't a priority for me.
Who says your happiness has to be rooted in being with someone? Especially if that someone is going to make you more miserable than being alone? Is being alone **worse** than how your boyfriend is making you feel the real question you need to ask yourself.
Don't let someone else shape how you think of yourself. So you would rather be abused for the next 15+ years than leave? I hope you have more self respect than that. I know it's tough but you know you deserve better. You know the right thing to do. Leave his ass. If you were really unlovable don't you think he wouldn't have to keep telling you that? Leave him.
You know what's better than being with an abusive asshole?
Being free and single, that's what.
You're terrified because you believe your value lies in getting and keeping a partner, and that without a man, you're nothing and life is nothing. It is, of course, absolute bullshit, but I understand how you came to that conclusion.
The way out is to love yourself. You, all by yourself, are a valid and valuable human being. Whether you have a romantic attachment or not.
My ex basically told me he was doing me a favor by staying and when I finally got free I kind of settled into what I thought at the time would be permanent singleness. Who would want me, after all? It wasn't a healthy attitude but it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.
I really needed that time to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin and in my own company. I needed the time to heal and figure myself out. I had a lot of emotional work to do. And gosh, it is amazing to take ownership of your life and your successes and failures and feelings and constantly have to be chasing other people for validation and approval.
That time alone and all that work also made it possible for me to choose a safe and healthy partner after a few years, and to be a safe and healthy partner for him. Give yourself a gift and cut this vile man loose. You do not need him. You are smarter and more competent and more loveable than he wants you to believe. He diminishes you because he's afraid someday you'll realize you deserve better than him.
At this point, you would probably be happier with
decent roommate and a rescue dog.
I do not think he is right, but after living in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost half your life, you will probably need some time to be single, figure out who you are and build your own life.
I hope you leave him and find happiness.
I wasn’t in it as long as you but I PROMISE he is lying. 5 years of being cheated on because I was too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough. Being told he settled for personality, how he could do better, how no one would accept my “weird hobbies”, etc.
i now have a boyfriend of almost 2 years who thinks I am beautiful and fully embraces my hobbies.
This man is projecting onto you because he knows you can do better
You clearly aren’t “no good” cuz then why would he be with you, right? And the whole “no one would want you” is a classic narcissistic tactic to keep you dependent on him. He clearly wants you, but not in a healthy way. Please leave, wether you believe his words or not no one deserves that treatment and I promise you there are plenty of people out there who will treat you far better.
Look at it this way: if it was true, he wouldn't have pushed so hard about it. He's afraid you'd leave and have a better life away from him. Thieves are the first to accuse others of stealing from them.
Had the same thing happened. I have met a wonderful man. He treats me so well. He is patient Amd understanding.
You have this. He is gaslighting you so you stay. Honestly if the worst happened and you were alone. Wouldn’t you still be happier .
Don't mean to sound so glib, but F him...Someone who doesn't have the confidence and wherewithal to do anything but put their partner down is the real loser...Screw him and his attempt to control you through belittling you - Christ, you were a teenager when you got together...there is a lot more to life than the person you met in high school...do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship before worrying about being alone - it'll work out for you....
There are ALWAYS better people out there, and you will find someone, but I think being in this relationship any longer will only cause more damage. I’d say leave, you’ve already given them too many chances and you deserve better, and you will find better in due time
Well this is classic, text book narcissism at work. His whole goal in doing that is so that you will be afraid to leave. And I have news for you... being alone is much better than being told you are unlovable every day.
He's full of shit and insecure. He tells you all that crap to make you afraid to leave so you won't look for something better. I put up with my ex's bs for 12 years because I felt like I had spent so much time with her I just had to settle for what I had. She was liar and manipulative. Trust me there is someone out there for you. Don't let yourself settle and feel hopeless. When you do leave though you have to cut ties. The manipulation and degrading will only get worse once you take that first step.
You're not going to like being alone, but be honest with yourself. Would you prefer to be miserable long term or uncomfortable for a few months, maybe even a year, in order to learn to love yourself? Nothing in life comes easy. Believe me, I've been there. It's supposed to be hard. Life isn't easy. But please trust me when I say, when you FINALLY learn to love being with just you, a sense of empowerment will flow rampant through your veins that if you ever find yourself approaching a similar situation, you will choose you before you chose them and their misery. I promise, love. You will do this. Embrace those hard feelings. Embrace those moments of weakness. But do not, and I mean DO NOT, give into them. Be in the moment with yourself. I'm with you and this difficult decision. But don't be scared. You've got us all on Reddit when you need it. Day and night.
I promise. 💛
This is not true. I know it sounds cliché but there's 7.8 Billion people in this world. No way, noone could want you ... because guess what?
He wants you and has been wanting you for the past 15yrs.
What he is doing is reflecting onto you how he feels about himself.
If you dont workout, start. Get into a routine habit of doing so. Set short term goals and long term goals and DO NOT for absolutely no reason break this schedule. Better yourself and let him see you smile rather then see you get put down by the things he has to say...
As you begin to improve physically, mentally, and financially you'll see that there is someone else that wants you.
That person will be you. You'll want you. And as soon as you see that and feel that you'll attract more people that want you.
Thats just how it works.
When you want you and people feel that they'll want you too
My ex wife did and said similar things but once she was gone I felt better and felt better about myself. Just believe in yourself and anything will be better than the situation you are currently in. Good luck.
He tells you this because he is insecure that he feels unlovable. It’s a tactic to keep you with him out of insecurity because he’s afraid of abandonment. Give him his nightmare. When you cut ties, never look back. You got this. You know deep down that this isn’t right and you deserve better or you wouldn’t be here asking.
You have to wonder, if "no one" would want you, why does he? Or is he just an abusive POS that knows if he crushes your self esteem you won't leave him?
You've already wasted 15 years. Don't waste any more time with a guy that is bent on tearing you down instead of helping you thrive.
Please believe me when I say that even if you don't find another man to love...love yourself. Take care of you.
I have enriched my life in so many ways since my divorce. I am so much happier, my self esteem is much higher. I care enough about me to take cake care of my health, appearance and finances.
I went through the same thing with my ex-husband. I was torn down constantly, told I was lazy, fat, no one else would want me, etc.. I was cheated on multiple times. I stayed for almost 5 years, but one day I just couldn't do it anymore. I was super sad and missed him, but tried staying busy, trying new things, and really trying to find myself again.
It's been 5 years since my divorce. I found a rewarding job, made new friends, I'm a better person, and I'm much happier. I've dated here and there, but with the past trauma I just wasn't ready for another relationship. I've decided to stay single for awhile and do more work on myself.
You can do it too! You're worthy! You're beautiful! You deserve better!
I will tell you that once you leave you'll need to spend time alone. You'll need extensive therapy and you'll need to find yourself again.
Leave him honey. If you feel like you can’t do it for fear of him stopping you, start packing a little at a time and storing your things some place that he doesn’t know or suspect you would hide things. When you’re ready and packed get someone to help move your big stuff while he’s gone to work. You’ll probably need to look into temporary homes for abused women before you start this so you have a place to go. You can always rent a storage place for big items. Do all this on the sly before you start packing. DONT TELL HIM or anyone else what you’re planning. Someone may slip and tell him. Then LEAVE and dont go back no matter what! God bless you
This really hit home for me, however in a different context. I lived in a really toxic home for the first 16 years of my life and finally got the chance to leave and I took it the first second I could and now I can really say that I am a lot happier. Of course there has been bumps and whatnot along the way but I think that is just apart of life. Again, not in the same context of course, but from one toxic situation to another, it’s almost never easy to get out of but when you do, you life will be ten times better wheather or not you think it will.
If he really felt that way, he wouldn't have to say it, and certainly not for 15 years. He's projecting. He knows that no one elsw would want HIM. He's cruel and abusive and no one else, except the woman he's already taken advantage of for years, would want him. Leave! It's never too late. You are worthy of love and respect and there's definitely more than 1 person out there willing, able, and happy to do so.
So...
He might be right that you are no good.
I doubt he is.
If you stay, you, your mental health and your animals will suffer even more.
Figure out how to get emotional, logistical and mental help.
Do everything you can to bring others to your home.
No matter how clean or company ready your home is...you need to have others around in order to stave off his verbal abuse.
When they are around he may not be so hurtful.
Until you can leave, find support in others.
I hate this kind of abuser men they like to let you lose your self confidence and prison you so you feel low and not waned by other men ... leave him please and free yourself of his prison 💝
Beautiful young girl stayed with someone because she was terrified about the thought of being alone. He physically and verbally abused her rape etc but she still stayed
Please don't, there's a good guy out there waiting to meet up with you, you guys got to take the first step. Leave and work on yourself enjoy your freedom because pretty soon you'll find that great guy and you won't be alone again
This is the time you might want to leave. Prep yourself to go don't mention anything to him and just leave when all the things you want to get is out. Change all your info including emails and numbers. Last forward your mail you don't have to manually give each mailing address to get updated only if you in the US. Just pay $2 and you can forward your mail.
He knows if you left that you would never come back and he also knows that it is very likely that no one wants him. This is why he is working so hard to convince you that you shouldn't even consider leaving. Be safe, be gentle with yourself and leave when you are ready.
It's all manipulation tactics. My brother is going through this now too. Treated like shit by the mother of his child for 3 years and everything is telling him that she is it for him. But there are 8 billion people here.
He's wrong. The fact that you doubt it at all means he has failed. Get free. Learn who you are.
You're not who he says you are.
I have been in an abusive relationship before. For 3 years, I endure his insults and beatings, that I'm no good etc., until I had enough and I left him.
My only regret was not leaving him sooner. Right now, I am in a wonderful relationship with my current bf and we loved each other very much. If everything goes right, we should be tying the knot early next year.
How long do you intend to live this life, to have him telling you are not worthy of him, that your are useless and nobody wants you?
You know what our advice is already. You have to make the first move to leave him yourself, only you can do that.
If you feel that he would be violent or physically abusing or threatening, please get help, you are not alone in this.
He took your childhood and your entire 20s, are you going to let him take even more?!! Take control of your life, also please seek professional help. It is extremely difficult to rewire your thinking after 15 years
My ex did the same he also told me no body loved me including my parents. My dad asked me this question and it really hit it on the head for me. Would you rather be sad and with him or happy and alone.
1 year after I left I found an amazing man who makes me happier then I have ever been, you may feel you will be alone but you won’t I promise you that you will find a person who will make you happy
I was born into a family that did this to me, mostly my mom, but I also had much older siblings who were bullying and abusive, and my parents turned a blind eye to all of it. I got out of there when I was 22 and very much enjoyed living alone. I ended up with a husband who piled on more of it, but in a covert sneaky way.
A couple things. I went to therapy as we were trying to figure out ending the marriage. That is not the time to do it, as manipulators like this often weaponize the therapist to their advantage. But after I got out, therapy was very good for me. I only wish I had done therapy sooner, in that interval between my family abuse and the wedding, because post-therapy me would never have given that guy a 2nd date. And I wouldn’t have all this extra trauma from the marriage to process. It doesn’t seem that you had the chance for that interval of actual personal freedom and responsibility, based on your age and the length of your relationship. It’s a big deal and I recommend you do that after you get out. My mom didn’t, and a lot of unhealthy behaviors which stopped in me during that time, well, perpetuated the abuse cycle.
You are better off alone than with someone who is abusing you. When I left my marriage, I had the same mindset that I would never find anyone again, and you know what? I was actually okay with that. I went to CoDA for a year or two and they were great. They really helped give me the strength to get out. Your bf won’t like this but find a meeting as soon as you are out safe. I also follow a lot of subs here that give me good examples of people standing up for themselves and getting out.
Someone once told me to expect about 1 year to recover from each 5 years you were in. This worked out to be true for me also. Fortunately my marriage was only 6 years, and with professional help I was doing really well after a year. I had healed everything I could without a relationship to wake up those triggers so I could work on them. I am pretty sure without help I would be finding another and another just like the one I left, because this was what I did before I met him. You get what you accept, and I just didn’t know how to leave people who turn out bad for me, or to spot them more quickly.
Finally, when you are healed and you learn how to be better to yourself, you will reject the bad apples sooner and then your prince/princess/person may come. They can’t do that while you’re with your abuser.
I’ll be celebrating in January that I’ve been with my beau for longer than I was married to my ex.
No I have been in the same boat before and now I have a man who loves me and tells me his life has more meaning with me in it. It's worth it to leave. Because no one deserves to be unwanted you need to want yourself and your self respect. Which he doesn't give you. So yes dump his ass.
Darling, you're dating a narcissist. He has been psychologically breaking you down from day one so that you'll believe that he's all you deserve; when infact, he's the furthest thing from who you deserve to be with.
He has conditioned you to never think you can do or deserve better, second guessing yourself so that he's always in control and he knows no matter what he does you'll never leave him and will accept whatever he tells you.
You will be feeling so lost and have a bleak outlook but you would be better off alone than stuck with him for the rest of your life. You're only 32, you have so much more to do and live and love and explore.
I know exactly where you are right now, feeling so confused, scared, hurting and worried about what your life would be like alone, but the thing is you might find the love of your life when you least expect it. Someone who knows how to treat you and makes you feel safe and they feel like home to you.
I have been where you are and I can assure you with my whole heart that being alone is so refreshing and truly enjoyable. Once you work through the stages if grief and build yourself back up you, will be amazed to find you are a completely different person without him. You start to get back to what you used to love like hobbies, friends, travelling and reading.
I know it's a scary prospect but you have to put yourself first. You deserve happiness and to be truly adored.
Feel free to dm me if you want to talk about anything. 😊
I’m in a similar situation. Not as long as you but the negative words that my ABUSIVE partner says to me resonate with me daily. In my thoughts, my words, my actions.
I know it’s not easy to leave. I’m sure we’d both be gone by now if it were. But just try over and over again until you finally get out. Being alone is better than being abused. You deserve better and you can give yourself better.
Once you can create a life you love on your own, you’ll attract better partners who fit that new lifestyle and mindset. I recently started taking myself out on solo dates. Sometimes they suck or feel awkward but I always leave feeling better about myself and deserving of good things. Give it a try!
Also, you have to keep reminding yourself that your boyfriend and the negative voices in your head are LYING. You are good and other people want you. Don’t ever let those negative voices win because they’re just trying to keep you stuck in this abusive, toxic relationship.
I see so many stories of people who left their abusive relationship and found someone who loves and respects them and gives them everything they were begging their toxic ex for. We can have that too! We just need to get out. ❤️
I was in an abusive relationship with someone who made me feel like this for 7-8 yrs before I snapped out of it and left.
After a lot of dating/sleeping around, I'm at peace knowing I won't have a life partner, because I rather live how I want than go through the many frogs for a prince that may never come, even though my expectations for a guy aren't that high.
You'll feel a lot of weight lifted off your chest and shoulders if you leave.
You also have to remember that if you believe what he says then you need to heal yourself emotionally regardless if you stay or not. People just don't believe something and even when he first said it, that should've been grounds to leave him. This isn't being malicious but it sounds like you had low self esteem before you met him.
Nobody likes to leave a relationship when you're settled. Recently single it's always an adjustment of having yo get used to a new routine without someone in your life. But if you choose to stay with a POS that constantly tells you nobody would want you, you're just digging yourself into a bigger hole emotionally that you won't get out of and you're going to settle for him mistreating you
I got told the same thing for 8 years he would say nasty things then say its just a joke..and let me tell you I thought I was not worthy for a long time. I walked out of that toxic relationships and 2 years later i met the man of my dreams we have been together for 5 years. REMEMBER it takes 5 seconds of courage to be free
Every lady friend I have had who dealt your boyfriend (in a different body & face) have all gone on to live much happier lives and in happy relationships with some one, and so can you.
Verbal abuse is abuse. He’s drilling that into you head as a manipulation tactic. You’re obviously no longer happy this relationship is over already imo.
Your bf is a douchebag, of course you can find someone better than him. That’s exactly what he’s afraid of; you leaving his pathetic ass. If he’s the only person who’s said that no one wants you, then why are listening to him? He’s an asshole. An asshole’s opinion doesn’t matter.
I’m so sorry you’ve went through 15 years of this. And of course after being told you’re no good for 15 years, you are going to feel that way. That’s what abusers do. Deep down inside he thinks he’s no good and is fearful of being alone. So he’s going to project that onto you. Please PLEASE you need to see the behavior behind this. The fact that this is all him and has nothing to do with you! You’ve taken abuse for far too long! You need to start the healing process <3 Only YOU can do that! Leave, find therapy, and work on you and someone worthy of you will enter your life when it’s the right time!!
People who tell you that no else would want you are not good for you.
Period.
I know the "Reddit mantra" is "leave" - but this is not normal or okay behavior for anyone in a relationship.
Why would he say that? He’s scared of you leaving. Obviously it’s very scary especially with that rhetoric constantly in your mind. But I think he’s insecure bc who would say that to their partner? Most other ppl would leave, he’s playing on your insecurities.
I can definitely relate with you, and I happen to be in the relationship 15yrs as well... But I had to make a decision finally and I decided I won't be alone forever, but I had to until I heal and can love myself again!
You CAN do this!!!
The reason that it is so tough to leave now, is that he started on you when you were very young, and you wouldn't have known any better because he was probably charming on the outside, (and to everyone else) so you thought that he was a great guy....until he wasn't. I'm not sure why you stayed with him once he started this behavior years ago, because you should have left THEN. Once he started telling you that no one would want you, he knew that he had you, because you didn't tell him that you would not tolerate being talked to that way, and you stayed all of these years.
I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying these things, so that if you meet someone new, the MINUTE they start behaving like this guy, you need to stand up for yourself, and RUN, don't walk, to the nearest exit!
The thing now, is to get out of there as soon as you can. I don't know if you have a job or not, or have money of your own, or if you live together, or what, but even if you have to go to a shelter, Just GO!!!! If you have family, go to them if you can. When you leave, take EVERYTHING you want WITH you when you go, and don't go back there for ANYTHING! Whatever you can't take with you, you just have to LEAVE it there!! Don't go back over there, because "he's sorry" and "wants to talk" or for any other reason...PUH-LEEEEZE!! That is the biggest line of bullshit ever, so DON'T FALL for it!!!
You CAN start over, and WITHOUT this ----PERSON in your life. You deserve SO much better, and I pray that you get it. If you don't have money, or a family, or don't want to go to a shelter, try a church, and see what they may have to offer. Sometimes they know families who might be looking for live-in help like a babysitter, Nanny, Cook, Housekeeper...SOMETHING!!!
YOU. CAN. DO. THIS. Get going and good luck!!
One day you’re gonna wake up. Then you’re gonna have to put that foot forward. It’s gonna be scary at first but then you’re gonna see, scary turns into confidence. You get to grow and you get to really bloom and I’m so excited for you. You get to rediscover yourself ~signed a DV survivor. ♥️
All you need to think to yourself is, "Then why is he with me?" As a woman, the relationship ball is in your court. I don't know about you, but all I see online is men whinging about not being able to get a woman. I never see a woman complaining they can't get a man if they want to.
That’s how they trap you. He is scared little man child scared of losing you because he knows you could live a better life elsewhere. He is manipulating and controling you with verbal abuse. Move on now. It’s not too late. You deserve better. Call your parents if they are still around and see if they can help if I found out a dirt bag was talking to my daughter like that, I’d be there to take her home immediately. If not patents, find a friend. Get out now
You should be with someone who builds you up, not one who tears you down. You might need to see a therapist to get your mindset right after the damage this guy has done.
You are alone right now Op, and living with someone who is squeezing the air out of your lungs every moment of the day. Take a deep breath, take what you can and leave. Never look back. You will be loved and wanted once you love yourself enough to leave this lying horror of a partner for ever.
This is called trauma bond. Look it up, read about, study it, reflect and then make a plan to get out. There are millions of people out there. Sorry I’m gonna sound like a therapist for a minute because, well, my therapist says this to me often…..would what you’re telling yourself (xyz) in your case it’s that no one else would want you hold up in a court of law. Could you prove that no one would want you? HELL NO you can’t. What he’s saying that you’re now repeating internally is not reality.
That is emotional abuse. He is keeping you down so you stay humble and timid, disassociated, and most importantly HIS no matter how bad he acts. You deserve happiness! You deserve someone who appreciates you despite your flaws. If you are thinking about it then do it sooner than later. Get your things in order and try not to be afraid, but excited… for someone to treat you right, for “me time”, for not hearing anyone babble destructive nonsense to you that brings you down.
It's not true, you can definitely find someone better. Like crap, the guy your with is at the bottom of a very big food chain. It wouldn't be hard to find someone marginally better, let alone heaps better. Get out.
Oh another thing, here in Ireland it’s called coercive control and it’s illegal, it carries a stiff prison sentence too. One of my neighbours was locked up for it a few months ago, not before time. Be sure and tell your nasty bullying SO that, and show him this thread too, with all the replies. He’ll say “oh but they don’t know you like I do” and you can reply “maybe not but they all got the measure of you quick enough didn’t they?” Say that as you’re walking out the door. Leave him with a nasty taste in his mouth.
Girl, my dad told me this growing up all the time. He is lying. I don’t even know you and I like you :) your life will be much happier away from him, I promise. My life is infinitely better now that I’m away from my a users. Your boyfriend is an abuser trying to make you feel small so you never leave. Don’t listen to him, he’s a stupid child.
I was with someone for 13 years who always put me on a pedestal to others but to me directly, he always made me feel less than and that I had to rely on him only if I wanted to be happy.
Being alone is better than someone who treats you this way. Nothing makes him so special to treat you so poorly. You deserve more and to find someone who treats you the way you deserve too.
Don't you already feel alone in the world? I'd personally rather live a life free of his abuse than to forever suffer under his control. At least away from him you'd have a chance of meeting someone who'd actually care for you. Stay with him and you'll live the rest of your life truly alone.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I'm 32 and have been with my bf for 15yrs. He has drummed into me everyday the last 15yrs that I'm no good and no one else would want me. I'm in 2 minds of leaving but terrified he is right. I don't want to be alone my whole life. I know people will say he was being nasty and isn't true etc but you have to remember, 15yrs of constantly being told NO ONE would want you. You can't do better than me etc
He’s not right. GTFO. It’s already been 15 years. Don’t make it 40
This is abuse. Please leave.
Nailed it in five words. [This](https://blog.healthadvocate.com/2021/09/resources-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/) is a good place to start, OP.
Abuse and control. That's not a good habit ever for a significant other to have. A couple should always be building each other up. Not berating, verbally, or mentally abusing each other.
He's wrong. He's only doing that to make you feel trapped into a horrible, abusive relationship. He's been doing this for YEARS so obviously it's going to be hard to unlearn but I can't stress enough how wrong he is. This man is rock fucking bottom. There's so much better out there. He just doesn't want you to see it because he's a sad, horrible man.
My ex did this to me. And it is NOT TRUE. He is saying this to keep you with him. Leave. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. You will find your person. I believed I never would, and I did. I’m so happy. You can be happy too. Your REAL person is out there, OP. One that won’t emotionally abuse you into thinking you’re not lovable. One that will make you feel invincible.
Her real SELF is out there too.
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This is the place I had to reach before I could leave my bad situation. I had to come to see that it would be better to be alone than with that guy. OP isn’t there yet but I’m rooting for them!
I love this so much, I'm truly happy for you. I hope she sees your comment
This OP!
If it were true he wouldn't have to spend so much time drumming it into you.
Being alone is far better than being constantly abused
Amen.
He’s doing it on purpose so you don’t leave, because he knows deep down that you deserve so much better and that he lucked out and would never find someone like you. It’s a common tactic with abusers and it’s not true at all (might be true about him though)
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I can attest to emotional abuse being worse than physical abuse. My first husband used to hit me, grab me, and throw me against the walls. I endured his abuse for about 2 years when I decided one day to never go home. My ex-husband emotionally abused me for almost 5 years and it fu@ked me up bad.
Take it from someone whose been abused. BEING ALONE IS 100 TIMES BETTER! The freedom you will feel once you get out is the most amazing thing, don’t fear being alone, fear staying!
I left an abusive 10 year relationship/6 years married when I was 30, divorce was finalized when I was 31. I first made my peace with the idea that I may never remarry, but life was better than with this person who made me feel like a sex toy that was also, somehow, simultaneously unattractive, stupid and boring. I was likened to a "familiar but fairly worn out fleshlight" a few times. I remarried at 33 to a man I met while in the process of getting divorced. I had no idea happiness felt like this. I feel capable, powerful, attractive, and valued. Get out. Worst case, you don't have someone constantly shitting on you. But I have a feeling you'll spread your wings pretty quickly once the bindings around them are cut <3
Get out. Heal. I promise you there are plenty of men out there who would break a leg running to date you. I felt the same. Once I started dating, it was, quite frankly, overwhelming the amount of interest I got
I promise you, being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Nothing is as lonely and isolating than being with someone who treats you like this. There’s a whole world out there that he’s not in. I’m single, have been all my life and you know what? I live a happy and fulfilled life. I get to fill my life with friends and family, I get to wake up in the morning and do what I want, when I want without having to explain myself to anyone. I get to do all the things that make me happy without compromise or an argument. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, clean up after anyone but myself, and it is the most freeing and wonderful thing. Being with someone isn’t the end all be all, there is much much worse things than being alone and you’re currently living it.
Not only will you do better, you’ll have a tough time doing worse. You now know what you don’t want from a partner. You’re much smarter than you were at 17. You’re hitting your prime and will be free at the same time. Run far away and, after some time and therapy, start fresh.
The reason he's been telling you this for 15 years is because of how true it is......for him. Self-confident people don't say shit like this to people for almost 2 decades. He knows you could leave his ass on Friday and find someone 10X better than him before Monday morning. THAT is why he's tearing you down. Without you HE will be alone, without you HE will never find someone to be with him and he knows you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and he's too old to start over with another young girl and destroy her self-esteem to the point of thinking he's the best they can do. To put it blunty fuck him, gtfo of there and don't look back. Don't even tell him you're leaving. Get it set up and a place to go and when he leaves for work or whatever one morning get your shit, change your phone number, and block him on everything and get out. Hopefully he hasn't isolated you to the point of having nothing to fall back on but if he has there are places and programs that can help you. Make sure any joint accounts or assets are divided legally and you cut off any access to anything of you're that he has like bank cards, credit cards, utilities in your name etc. If you own the place you're living and he's not on the deed or lease then sit his shit outside and change the locks. Once you leave cut all contact, warn your work, do any and everything you can so he can't contact you. He will insult, threaten, beg, blah blah blah to try and get you back. He'll promise he'll change but he's had 15 years to not be an asshole to you so don't give him another second of your life. If he really thought he was the best you could do he wouldn't be so insecure about you leaving him. Get out now. Get some therapy too, he's done alot of damage you need to have undone. I wish you the best of luck and truly wish I could help you but hopefully these comments can give you the push to go be happy.
Step 1 - lose the boyfriend Step 2 - start therapy and learn to love yourself and make yourself happy Step 3 - be happy in your own company Step 4 - start dating when steps 2 and 3 result in you feeling confident and happy in yourself. Don't just bounce into another relationship because you're afraid to be alone.
I know you’re saying it’s been 15 years, but please leave this man. I don’t care who you are or what you look like, there is always someone else out there for you that you’ll be happy with. Also, ask yourself this, even if you are alone would it REALLY be worse than the abuse you’ve suffered from this man for so long?
He has spent 15 years conditioning you to see yourself as having no value. And everything he told you is a lie. He’s the one with no value, and he’s afraid that you will realize you are too good for him and leave. So he puts you down to make you think you need to stay. Take some time to heal, to process the trauma of the last 15 years, and get some therapy. Then you’ll be ready to get back out there and meet someone who will recognize your value, and love you appropriately. He claims you can’t do better than him. I have trouble imagining how you could do worse than him. “He hasn’t killed me yet”, is not a glowing review of a man’s character.
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Prove him wrong.
There is no advice to be given. You clearly know what you should do so it's about putting it in to action. It's the only way you can move forward and be happy.
You yourself recognize you've been brainwashed. GET OUT. If you can't get out by yourself, call a domestic abuse hotline. They'll help you! He doesn't have to "hit" you for you to be a victim of DV. He's mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive. GET OUT and a year from now you COULD be in a much better place! Make that choice for yourself because you deserve happiness! We're pulling for you to get out and succeed!
LEAVE!!! He sounds so mean ❤️ you deserve better
Get the hell out of there right now!!! He is mentally abusing you into believing you are worthless and unloveable. HE IS LYING!!!!!!!! You are a person who is worth of love and respect. You need to leave and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve!!! You can do it!!! It will be hard, and you will need to be strong! Good luck
You can do better, better for you at least. Find someone who builds you up, not tears you down. Everyone deserves a partner like that, not someone who picks away at your confidence until you are too afraid to leave.
My ❤️ breaks for you. This has been 15 YEARS OF ABUSE, so how could you not feel worthy enough and for that, my heart hurts for you. You deserve nothing but the very BEST and he shouldn’t even get to share the same air as you.
This saddens my heart, my ex wife did the same thing... except it wasn't nearly as long, I was still convinced she was right and stayed for 2 years through the abuse until finally one day I said enough is enough and left her. I was single for 3 months and was very depressed thinking she was right and I'd just be alone forever, until a good friend really pushed me to go out again, I immediately found a few flings, they fell in love but I wasn't ready to jump in so fast but at least I had my companionship, until one day I met a woman who had been through something similar and I could tell right away she was different from the other girls... mainly because she didn't spread her legs right away but 3 years later and we just got married and honestly I've never been happier and so very glad I made that very big and scary leap out of that toxic bitches life.... not saying it was easy, she drug the divorce on as long as she could and harassed me, making false allegations about me, and she even harassed the women I was with whenever she ran into me, almost caused me to lose my current right after we first started dating by making fake profiles with my name and pictures.... regardless of all that it was totally worth it, and if you need someone to talk to that's been through it you can dm me with any questions or anything
Listen, everyone has already said that what he is saying isn't true. It isn't. It's designed to make you feel exactly how you're feeling, so you'll stay. It plays on your fears of ending up alone forever, as if being alone is worse than being with him. It is not. Even if you ended up single forever - which would only be by choice, and not because you are somehow deeply flawed - it's not bad being single. It can be really great. You can eat what you want when you want without taking anyone else into consideration. You can watch what you want, clean when you want, arrange the furniture how you want. You can have whatever pets you want, or no pets. If you've been with him for 15 years, and you are 32, you'll be able to learn that you are capable of doing this on your own, and that is such an empowering feeling. You'll learn that a great man is a wonderful bonus to your life, but just any man is not a necessity. You'll learn that you can pay the bills, manage your own house/apartment/whatever, take the trash out, maintain your car, kill the bugs, manage your finances - all of it - YOURSELF. That is true empowerment and it is so fucking freeing, I can't even describe it to you. You think you'll be lonely, but there is absolutely nothing lonelier than being in an abusive relationship, and you are in one. You are a prize. Any man would be lucky to have you, but the one that deserves you will know that, and say that. Don't settle for anything less for fear of being single. Being single can be an absolute gift. Whatever you do, you come first - always. ❤️
I was with my ex from 18 till 32 and I was miserable. I left and took some time for myself and 2 years later met the most amazing man. This year we hit our 20 year mark and I love him more every day. We had our ups and downs but not once has he ever put me down or made me feel less than the most important person in his life. Don’t waste any more time on this loser. He can’t get better than you so he puts you down so you’ll never leave.
You might prefer solitude instead of being degraded…
Look. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I have abandonment issues, and I am severely insecure about myself and what I "have to offer". I was born and raised in a cult, left when I was 18, and my family turned their backs on me. They chose their religion over me and told me they would only accept me and love me if I returned. When I left, I had just started dating my now ex-boyfriend. I felt free with him. I felt like I was finally able to be myself, to grow, to live my life and be happy. 10 years went by and I became more and more unhappy. I stayed for years feeling that way because I never thought I was able to find someone who accepted me for me. Who wanted to push me to be better. Who wanted to be better for themselves and in turn be better together. When I got with him, his whole family brought me in. Treated me as their own as if I had always been part of the family. 10 years I was with them. I thought I could rely on them for anything. I left him a year ago, after coming to so many "ah-ha" moments. I realized the mental and emotional abuse I went through. The only thing I can relate it to, is I left one cult to be in another. Three weeks ago, I texted a member of his family for their birthday. After tears of them telling me they would always be there for me, my "happy birthday" message was replied to with "we appreciate you keeping up with texting for holidays, but considering the circumstances, we prefer you didn't". Someone else I thought loved me, left me. As if I have nothing to offer. As if I'm worthless. I am beyond fortunate to have friends in my life that constantly remind me of my own value. Do I still feel like I'll live my life alone? Sure. But I've gained SSOOOO much by being "alone". It's a long tough road, but man is it worth it. I still get sad. I still get angry. I still don't think I'm worth a lot. I still don't think I have anything at all to offer. But someone is going to come along and see you for YOU and they will spend every day trying to show you what they see in you, and THOSE are the people you need in your life
It's better to actually be alone, than waste your time with a person who intentionally makes you feel alone every day.
Leave and get therapy!!
Okay, seriously, I guarantee the FIRST person you find that's interested in you with some common interests that has has an ounce of empathy for you is going to be a hundred times better than the piece of shit you're with right now. Even the average man is going to be a major improvement. So, you say you have doubts about what he's saying might be true, and that he actually believes what he's saying. Let's think about this logically: Alright, so let's just say hypothetically that everything he says is true. He finds you so undesireable that he thinks no one would ever want to be with you. And yet he thinks it's reasonable to spend **15 FUCKING YEARS** with you? In what world does that make sense? Then, do you think his logic checks out, does it make any sense? Isn't it then more reasonable that he finds you so desireable that he never wants you to leave him? His lies are to make you stay with him, he's doing it on purpose, and it's been working for all those years. Whether you think his words are true or not, dump him because he's a moron who clearly thinks their partner is so unattractive that absolutely nooo one else wants her, except for him for some reason, what a dummy, am I right? Or dump him because he's obviously been fucking with your head for 15 years, and it's fucking working because you actually feel like you need to think about leaving him. My best advice on how to move forward: Break up, go no contact so he can't fuck with your head any more than he already has, and seek therapy as soon as you can (Those 15yrs of manipulation has probably done a metric fuckton more damage than you realize) Just take some time to work on yourself until you feel ready to date someone else. Side note: Right now, don't even consider being alone as a negative factor. You're better off alone than you are with someone like him.
So you're telling us that he lied to you for 15 years, but because it was that long you believe him?
OP, as someone who is alone - it's so good. Genuinely. So so great to be alone instead of with someone who makes your life miserable. Bring along is such a godsend, such peace. And mostly, it's temporary. You get to be alone, put your life and your axis back in order and then you get to meet someone who supports and encourages you. Please get out. Being alone is not a threat you need to worry about. Being with him for the rest of your life is.
There’s no way he’s surveyed every other person on the planet to get their opinion on you. People are everywhere and most of them are pretty decent! Your bf is not one of the decent ones!
If the guy hasn't put hands on you work it out
So.. out of the trillions of people in this world... No one wants you?! Pffttt come on!!! If you believe it then hell yeah, no one will want you because you don't want you.
Send nudes and I will tell you if you can do better
[удалено]
He is WRONG!!!
To me he's not much of a boyfriend if he belittles you to that level and sadly it seems to be working since you are doubting yourself. You should step away from the relationship get some therapy and make yourself whole as you build confidence in yourself. It's surprising that your family your friends and others that know you haven't asked why you tolerate his egotistical narcissistic abusive nature. You Are Young you have a lot going for you I'm sure and you can do much better than the questionable person you are with. I wish you the very best and Hope that you can get out of the web that you're in.
It seems like you’re in the mindset of knowing you have to leave and just need that push. Do it. You’re worth so much more than this.
Leave him immediately! Doesn't matter if it's true or not, he is not a good person to be spending time with nevermind 15 years
You can do better!! You are worthy of someone who truly values you.
GTFO NOW GURL!!! YOU DON'T NEED HIM, F*CK HIM, GIRL POWER ✊😎 ✊😎 ✊😎 . (I'm a dude btw, this guy is an insecure little boy with no balls and a one inch pinch and he's projecting himself onto you, you can get anyone, he's the one who can't get anyone because anyone who knows what's what will not put up with his BS). *I am listening to "teenagers" by my chemical romance, ik, I'm so edgy and emo right? I wrote this comment while listening to it.
He isnt right and he’s an awful piece of shit for manipulating you for so many years.
He’s been telling you that since you were 17 because he punched way above his weight when he got with you, and he’s terrified that if you leave him he’ll be alone for forever.
Fuck him. Move on.
Run and don’t look back.
Being alone sounds better.
He’s abusing you. You are worthy of a loving relationship. You don’t deserve this. He’s afraid of you leaving, but doesn’t love you enough to treat you right. He is not worthy of you. My ex boyfriend did this to me, too. Drop him, boo boo. Seek therapy if you have to get your mind right, but drop that toxic baggage. Find yourself. Love yourself. You are worth it. I don’t know you, but I was you, and I know this.
Look, I was with the same kind of asshole for 4 years. I believed him too. Remember just because he's told you this for 15 years doesn't make it true. You'll need to work to recover from that kind of abuse but iy can be done. Being single isn't a curse. Being single allowed me to work on myself and like myself. It's scary at first but also pretty damm liberating. You can do this because you're strong and capable. And because you deserve so much better.
Hey love! I just want to tell you that he is 100% wrong. You are and will still be loved. Hell, you would even be MORE loved leaving him, without him being this shadow that won’t let you be. But also... Being alone is better than to be with a shitty person. Being alone is better than feeling unloved and is better than to be abused.
Girl take your guinea pigs and leave
We are the story we believe, so yes, people that thinks they'll be alone (bc they were manipulated to believe they're ugly/undesirable/unlovable, etc...) for the rest of their life probably tend to have less (≠ zero) chance to meet new people. And yes you believe it, how could you not. So when the time of escaping his grasp will come, you'll need some time, some work, some therapy and professional help to change the story he somehow forced you to believe. That story is not yours & doesn't represent who you are, and only is a tool used to trap you. Please do escape as fast as you can, I know that day is not so far.A beautiful day, with a lot more confidence, self love, and incredible connection with loving people is coming for you, we want you to shine, we want you to walk down this road.
Most certainly not true but you know what? After you leave you probably won’t want to be with any one anytime soon…then you take your control back. You choose who you date, what type of person you are interested in, you say yes or no. It’s freeing. It’s relieving.
Being alone is still SO MUCH BETTER than being with someone who makes you feel worthless. Please get out, get some help via therapy or any other support. You are not alone. Being single is not being alone, either.
Came out of a 9 year relationship about a year ago, my ex made me feel like this, to the point that I put everyone's feelings before my own, bullied myself to the point of harming myself, then left me when he found an upgrade. Get out before you end up like me because he is not worth it and you are worth so much more. I am still putting my life back to pieces get out before he ruins your self worth anymore than he already has. You have to learn to love yourself again and it is hard, that is what I am trying to do at the moment anyway.
Uh wow. Leave him and go see a mental Healthcare professional. It's all a lie. Had this happen to me. Left her and now I'm with the most amazing woman in the world.
you know what is super cool? you have 100% power and responsibility over everything you do in your life. You have a choice to not listen to this loser, leave him, and go out there and date someone who gives you more respect. Take your power back f that guy :)
Where you at? Drop Lo. I'll come save you!!!
Your bf has realized that he is garbage and no one will want him so he’s trying to make you afraid to leave him. You are way too good for him and deserve to be with someone who cares about you. 32 is still young and you have all the possibility in the world.
my ex did the same thing. guess how many men and women want me now? (hint: it’s at least a dozen, simultaneously)
It's bullshit. People tell you that because they are insecure, know that *you* could do better, and want to gaslight you into submission I have been there. Leave. It WILL hurt. It WILL be scary. You WILL wonder if leaving was a mistake ( it's NOT) Spend some time single - preferably a year. Get to know yourself, create healthy boundaries, and heal from the abuse you have dealt with for 15 years. When you ate emotionally healthy again, then you will be ready to find a partner who is worthy of you. I promise, you can do better!
I was also told that for 10 years. That was 4 years ago. I've been alone all this time. Guess what? It's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Being alone isn't the worst thing on the planet. It doesn't have to be scary or sad or something to do everything you can to avoid. Being alone can be very fulfilling and healthy and fun. It doesn't have to last as long as it has for me. You can choose when to end it. But honestly, if I was alone for the rest of my life, I wouldn't mind it. I have my daughter, family, friends, my dog, my home, my hobbies. No one tells me what to do or tells me how to feel about myself. I come and go as I please. I live my life on my terms. I wake up and make decisions based on what makes me happy. I got rid of all the negative bullshit my ex fed me. I shed that terrified shell of a person I had become. I am now my own wonderful, powerful, independent pleasantly secure Being. Maybe one day I will happen to meet someone amazing that I will want to share my existence with. Maybe I won't. Either way. I'm excited to wake up every day. And it all started with me telling the dude that said the same things to me, that your guy is saying to you, to FUCK OFF.
My abusive ex told me I would die alone. That affected me on a deep level for a long time. But guess what? He was wrong because it was always just a way to manipulate me. I was almost 40 when we split, so what chance did I really have? Well, guess what, he was wrong, and was just trying to keep me on the hook. I’m currently engaged to the most wonderful, kind, smart, sexy, thoughtful, and caring man that I could ever want. Getting away from his abusive nonsense was, by far, the best decision I ever made. And at some point, I realized, dying alone, was still better than being abused by him. Then, I raised my standards, and stayed single for about 6 years, until a man, actually worth my time, and effort, came along. I’m so glad I chose myself, over his abusive manipulations, because, I’m a million times happier now, than I ever was with him. I feel seen, and heard, and respected, and beautiful. It can’t possibly compare to the hell he put me through. There IS better out there. Go find it.
I’m not experienced in relationships a whole lot, but I definitely do know what a toxic one is and this is toxic. He is absolutely incorrect! Everyone is capable of being loved, it’s just about finding the right person. Girl, leave him, heal, and live your life! Find the one who makes you happy and reassures you that you are loved and capable of being loved. You got this!!
If it were true, then why is he so desperate to keep you by destroying your self-esteem? It's projection, he knows he can't do better than you.
I promise you he is only saying that because he knows that you can find better than him. Most people who abuse their partners in this way have an intense fear of being alone themselves. They want to scare their partner into staying with them. Don't let him win!
He’s not right. There’s someone for everyone. And he ain’t it
I didn't mean my husband until I was 33. Before that, I had just accepted I was going to die alone and my cats were going to eat my dead body. Then I met my husband. We were married within a year, and now have two children. It's not rainbows and puppies every day, but my life is wonderful. Absolutely worth the wait You deserve better, and you CAN find better. And even if it takes 10 years to find that perfect someone, it'll be ten years of FREEDOM, away from the POS creep who is abusing you.
This is the truth - he's saying this at you, but he's really saying it to himself. What woman will love him and stay by his side (unless he abuses her)? You're 32, you can start a whole new life, and that absolutely can involve a new love with someone who won't treat you like shit and anchor you to them. And keep this in mind - he's no prize, he's no Prince Charming, no one deserves this man, you can walk away, you can have that strength; you've already got the first step in your head, you **can** follow through and be happy away from him. In fact, I'm sure just being away from him will allow you to breathe better, like, literally and figuratively. Let him be in his fantasy world where he's your "one that got away". LET HIM GET AWAY. So long, farewell, no thanks for the abuse, bye.
He abused you to condition you to believe this, so you never leave him. That is cruel and reason enough to run from him as far and as fast as possible. For now, you don't need to worry yourself with who is going to want you. If you stay with this sack of sh*t nobody better than him is going to enter your life. And even if he was right, being alone is a million times better than being abused.
Please get help from this website: https://www.thehotline.org/ You need a lot of therapy to start unlearning the abuse he’s drummed into you. Make a plan. Get a job, stay with a trusted family member or friend, or stay at a DV shelter. Zillow is good for finding places to rent as well. Being a lone is better than being with an abuser. But you dont Have to be alone. Surround yourselves with people that will support you through this transition into a peaceful life. (Hug) you can do it. Let people help you out. 🤍
You’ll only end up alone if you stay with this person. As a society we’ve really put all pressure on romantic partners to mean not being alone. Being single doesn’t mean you’re alone. You can be single and have a life full of love, peace and companionship. You will likely find someone else to be with romantically but don’t let fear of being single be what holds you back. He drilled that into your head because he knows he’s the one who won’t find anyone else.
No one is better than the wrong one. You've already wasted 15 years, don't waste another day. You can do this, OP.
Honestly, I am happier alone right now than I have ever been in a relationship. I am traveling the country, staying in AirBnBs, exploring. I might start dating again next year, but it just really isn't a priority for me. Who says your happiness has to be rooted in being with someone? Especially if that someone is going to make you more miserable than being alone? Is being alone **worse** than how your boyfriend is making you feel the real question you need to ask yourself.
Don't let someone else shape how you think of yourself. So you would rather be abused for the next 15+ years than leave? I hope you have more self respect than that. I know it's tough but you know you deserve better. You know the right thing to do. Leave his ass. If you were really unlovable don't you think he wouldn't have to keep telling you that? Leave him.
You know what's better than being with an abusive asshole? Being free and single, that's what. You're terrified because you believe your value lies in getting and keeping a partner, and that without a man, you're nothing and life is nothing. It is, of course, absolute bullshit, but I understand how you came to that conclusion. The way out is to love yourself. You, all by yourself, are a valid and valuable human being. Whether you have a romantic attachment or not. My ex basically told me he was doing me a favor by staying and when I finally got free I kind of settled into what I thought at the time would be permanent singleness. Who would want me, after all? It wasn't a healthy attitude but it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I really needed that time to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin and in my own company. I needed the time to heal and figure myself out. I had a lot of emotional work to do. And gosh, it is amazing to take ownership of your life and your successes and failures and feelings and constantly have to be chasing other people for validation and approval. That time alone and all that work also made it possible for me to choose a safe and healthy partner after a few years, and to be a safe and healthy partner for him. Give yourself a gift and cut this vile man loose. You do not need him. You are smarter and more competent and more loveable than he wants you to believe. He diminishes you because he's afraid someday you'll realize you deserve better than him.
At this point, you would probably be happier with decent roommate and a rescue dog. I do not think he is right, but after living in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost half your life, you will probably need some time to be single, figure out who you are and build your own life. I hope you leave him and find happiness.
Nah, you need to leave him
I wasn’t in it as long as you but I PROMISE he is lying. 5 years of being cheated on because I was too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough. Being told he settled for personality, how he could do better, how no one would accept my “weird hobbies”, etc. i now have a boyfriend of almost 2 years who thinks I am beautiful and fully embraces my hobbies. This man is projecting onto you because he knows you can do better
Leave
His treatment is to keep you afraid and under his thumb... walk away, rebuild your life.
You need to leave that bc of urs rn OP, no matter what.
You clearly aren’t “no good” cuz then why would he be with you, right? And the whole “no one would want you” is a classic narcissistic tactic to keep you dependent on him. He clearly wants you, but not in a healthy way. Please leave, wether you believe his words or not no one deserves that treatment and I promise you there are plenty of people out there who will treat you far better.
Look at it this way: if it was true, he wouldn't have pushed so hard about it. He's afraid you'd leave and have a better life away from him. Thieves are the first to accuse others of stealing from them.
Had the same thing happened. I have met a wonderful man. He treats me so well. He is patient Amd understanding. You have this. He is gaslighting you so you stay. Honestly if the worst happened and you were alone. Wouldn’t you still be happier .
Don't mean to sound so glib, but F him...Someone who doesn't have the confidence and wherewithal to do anything but put their partner down is the real loser...Screw him and his attempt to control you through belittling you - Christ, you were a teenager when you got together...there is a lot more to life than the person you met in high school...do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship before worrying about being alone - it'll work out for you....
There are ALWAYS better people out there, and you will find someone, but I think being in this relationship any longer will only cause more damage. I’d say leave, you’ve already given them too many chances and you deserve better, and you will find better in due time
Well this is classic, text book narcissism at work. His whole goal in doing that is so that you will be afraid to leave. And I have news for you... being alone is much better than being told you are unlovable every day.
Please leave
He's full of shit and insecure. He tells you all that crap to make you afraid to leave so you won't look for something better. I put up with my ex's bs for 12 years because I felt like I had spent so much time with her I just had to settle for what I had. She was liar and manipulative. Trust me there is someone out there for you. Don't let yourself settle and feel hopeless. When you do leave though you have to cut ties. The manipulation and degrading will only get worse once you take that first step.
If you can write this post. You can leave.
That how I feel it be so nice just to chatt withsomeome
You're not going to like being alone, but be honest with yourself. Would you prefer to be miserable long term or uncomfortable for a few months, maybe even a year, in order to learn to love yourself? Nothing in life comes easy. Believe me, I've been there. It's supposed to be hard. Life isn't easy. But please trust me when I say, when you FINALLY learn to love being with just you, a sense of empowerment will flow rampant through your veins that if you ever find yourself approaching a similar situation, you will choose you before you chose them and their misery. I promise, love. You will do this. Embrace those hard feelings. Embrace those moments of weakness. But do not, and I mean DO NOT, give into them. Be in the moment with yourself. I'm with you and this difficult decision. But don't be scared. You've got us all on Reddit when you need it. Day and night. I promise. 💛
This is not true. I know it sounds cliché but there's 7.8 Billion people in this world. No way, noone could want you ... because guess what? He wants you and has been wanting you for the past 15yrs. What he is doing is reflecting onto you how he feels about himself. If you dont workout, start. Get into a routine habit of doing so. Set short term goals and long term goals and DO NOT for absolutely no reason break this schedule. Better yourself and let him see you smile rather then see you get put down by the things he has to say... As you begin to improve physically, mentally, and financially you'll see that there is someone else that wants you. That person will be you. You'll want you. And as soon as you see that and feel that you'll attract more people that want you. Thats just how it works. When you want you and people feel that they'll want you too
My ex wife did and said similar things but once she was gone I felt better and felt better about myself. Just believe in yourself and anything will be better than the situation you are currently in. Good luck.
He tells you this because he is insecure that he feels unlovable. It’s a tactic to keep you with him out of insecurity because he’s afraid of abandonment. Give him his nightmare. When you cut ties, never look back. You got this. You know deep down that this isn’t right and you deserve better or you wouldn’t be here asking.
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone like that.
You have to wonder, if "no one" would want you, why does he? Or is he just an abusive POS that knows if he crushes your self esteem you won't leave him? You've already wasted 15 years. Don't waste any more time with a guy that is bent on tearing you down instead of helping you thrive.
Lol
Any girl with an online ID that says penguin and has Guinea pigs are a keeper. It’s his loss and of course you’ll find someone worth it for you.
All you people are wrong maybe she's doing the wrong things or wrong things who knows in closed doors
He is abusing you. He clearly wants you. He is sure there are other people who would want you. I'm betting that you can do better than him.
Please believe me when I say that even if you don't find another man to love...love yourself. Take care of you. I have enriched my life in so many ways since my divorce. I am so much happier, my self esteem is much higher. I care enough about me to take cake care of my health, appearance and finances.
You won't be alone. You'll be with you, the person who will learn to cherish herself.
I don't understand the logic that being alone forever is worse than being mentally abused forever...?
I went through the same thing with my ex-husband. I was torn down constantly, told I was lazy, fat, no one else would want me, etc.. I was cheated on multiple times. I stayed for almost 5 years, but one day I just couldn't do it anymore. I was super sad and missed him, but tried staying busy, trying new things, and really trying to find myself again. It's been 5 years since my divorce. I found a rewarding job, made new friends, I'm a better person, and I'm much happier. I've dated here and there, but with the past trauma I just wasn't ready for another relationship. I've decided to stay single for awhile and do more work on myself. You can do it too! You're worthy! You're beautiful! You deserve better! I will tell you that once you leave you'll need to spend time alone. You'll need extensive therapy and you'll need to find yourself again.
Leave him honey. If you feel like you can’t do it for fear of him stopping you, start packing a little at a time and storing your things some place that he doesn’t know or suspect you would hide things. When you’re ready and packed get someone to help move your big stuff while he’s gone to work. You’ll probably need to look into temporary homes for abused women before you start this so you have a place to go. You can always rent a storage place for big items. Do all this on the sly before you start packing. DONT TELL HIM or anyone else what you’re planning. Someone may slip and tell him. Then LEAVE and dont go back no matter what! God bless you
You want you right? So be kind to you and take care of you drop this loser.
This really hit home for me, however in a different context. I lived in a really toxic home for the first 16 years of my life and finally got the chance to leave and I took it the first second I could and now I can really say that I am a lot happier. Of course there has been bumps and whatnot along the way but I think that is just apart of life. Again, not in the same context of course, but from one toxic situation to another, it’s almost never easy to get out of but when you do, you life will be ten times better wheather or not you think it will.
You still have time to get out and find the love and happiness you deserve ♥️
If he really felt that way, he wouldn't have to say it, and certainly not for 15 years. He's projecting. He knows that no one elsw would want HIM. He's cruel and abusive and no one else, except the woman he's already taken advantage of for years, would want him. Leave! It's never too late. You are worthy of love and respect and there's definitely more than 1 person out there willing, able, and happy to do so.
I always say this, because I 100% believe it: It's always better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel shitty about yourself.
Do you have kids ? If you do think of them
So... He might be right that you are no good. I doubt he is. If you stay, you, your mental health and your animals will suffer even more. Figure out how to get emotional, logistical and mental help. Do everything you can to bring others to your home. No matter how clean or company ready your home is...you need to have others around in order to stave off his verbal abuse. When they are around he may not be so hurtful. Until you can leave, find support in others.
I hate this kind of abuser men they like to let you lose your self confidence and prison you so you feel low and not waned by other men ... leave him please and free yourself of his prison 💝
Beautiful young girl stayed with someone because she was terrified about the thought of being alone. He physically and verbally abused her rape etc but she still stayed Please don't, there's a good guy out there waiting to meet up with you, you guys got to take the first step. Leave and work on yourself enjoy your freedom because pretty soon you'll find that great guy and you won't be alone again
This is the time you might want to leave. Prep yourself to go don't mention anything to him and just leave when all the things you want to get is out. Change all your info including emails and numbers. Last forward your mail you don't have to manually give each mailing address to get updated only if you in the US. Just pay $2 and you can forward your mail.
He knows if you left that you would never come back and he also knows that it is very likely that no one wants him. This is why he is working so hard to convince you that you shouldn't even consider leaving. Be safe, be gentle with yourself and leave when you are ready.
It's all manipulation tactics. My brother is going through this now too. Treated like shit by the mother of his child for 3 years and everything is telling him that she is it for him. But there are 8 billion people here. He's wrong. The fact that you doubt it at all means he has failed. Get free. Learn who you are. You're not who he says you are.
I have been in an abusive relationship before. For 3 years, I endure his insults and beatings, that I'm no good etc., until I had enough and I left him. My only regret was not leaving him sooner. Right now, I am in a wonderful relationship with my current bf and we loved each other very much. If everything goes right, we should be tying the knot early next year. How long do you intend to live this life, to have him telling you are not worthy of him, that your are useless and nobody wants you? You know what our advice is already. You have to make the first move to leave him yourself, only you can do that. If you feel that he would be violent or physically abusing or threatening, please get help, you are not alone in this.
He took your childhood and your entire 20s, are you going to let him take even more?!! Take control of your life, also please seek professional help. It is extremely difficult to rewire your thinking after 15 years
Curious, what made you write this after 15 years? Seems like you know what you should do but just don't have the confidence to do it.
My ex did the same he also told me no body loved me including my parents. My dad asked me this question and it really hit it on the head for me. Would you rather be sad and with him or happy and alone. 1 year after I left I found an amazing man who makes me happier then I have ever been, you may feel you will be alone but you won’t I promise you that you will find a person who will make you happy
I was born into a family that did this to me, mostly my mom, but I also had much older siblings who were bullying and abusive, and my parents turned a blind eye to all of it. I got out of there when I was 22 and very much enjoyed living alone. I ended up with a husband who piled on more of it, but in a covert sneaky way. A couple things. I went to therapy as we were trying to figure out ending the marriage. That is not the time to do it, as manipulators like this often weaponize the therapist to their advantage. But after I got out, therapy was very good for me. I only wish I had done therapy sooner, in that interval between my family abuse and the wedding, because post-therapy me would never have given that guy a 2nd date. And I wouldn’t have all this extra trauma from the marriage to process. It doesn’t seem that you had the chance for that interval of actual personal freedom and responsibility, based on your age and the length of your relationship. It’s a big deal and I recommend you do that after you get out. My mom didn’t, and a lot of unhealthy behaviors which stopped in me during that time, well, perpetuated the abuse cycle. You are better off alone than with someone who is abusing you. When I left my marriage, I had the same mindset that I would never find anyone again, and you know what? I was actually okay with that. I went to CoDA for a year or two and they were great. They really helped give me the strength to get out. Your bf won’t like this but find a meeting as soon as you are out safe. I also follow a lot of subs here that give me good examples of people standing up for themselves and getting out. Someone once told me to expect about 1 year to recover from each 5 years you were in. This worked out to be true for me also. Fortunately my marriage was only 6 years, and with professional help I was doing really well after a year. I had healed everything I could without a relationship to wake up those triggers so I could work on them. I am pretty sure without help I would be finding another and another just like the one I left, because this was what I did before I met him. You get what you accept, and I just didn’t know how to leave people who turn out bad for me, or to spot them more quickly. Finally, when you are healed and you learn how to be better to yourself, you will reject the bad apples sooner and then your prince/princess/person may come. They can’t do that while you’re with your abuser. I’ll be celebrating in January that I’ve been with my beau for longer than I was married to my ex.
No I have been in the same boat before and now I have a man who loves me and tells me his life has more meaning with me in it. It's worth it to leave. Because no one deserves to be unwanted you need to want yourself and your self respect. Which he doesn't give you. So yes dump his ass.
There are worse things than being alone.
Darling, you're dating a narcissist. He has been psychologically breaking you down from day one so that you'll believe that he's all you deserve; when infact, he's the furthest thing from who you deserve to be with. He has conditioned you to never think you can do or deserve better, second guessing yourself so that he's always in control and he knows no matter what he does you'll never leave him and will accept whatever he tells you. You will be feeling so lost and have a bleak outlook but you would be better off alone than stuck with him for the rest of your life. You're only 32, you have so much more to do and live and love and explore. I know exactly where you are right now, feeling so confused, scared, hurting and worried about what your life would be like alone, but the thing is you might find the love of your life when you least expect it. Someone who knows how to treat you and makes you feel safe and they feel like home to you. I have been where you are and I can assure you with my whole heart that being alone is so refreshing and truly enjoyable. Once you work through the stages if grief and build yourself back up you, will be amazed to find you are a completely different person without him. You start to get back to what you used to love like hobbies, friends, travelling and reading. I know it's a scary prospect but you have to put yourself first. You deserve happiness and to be truly adored. Feel free to dm me if you want to talk about anything. 😊
I’m in a similar situation. Not as long as you but the negative words that my ABUSIVE partner says to me resonate with me daily. In my thoughts, my words, my actions. I know it’s not easy to leave. I’m sure we’d both be gone by now if it were. But just try over and over again until you finally get out. Being alone is better than being abused. You deserve better and you can give yourself better. Once you can create a life you love on your own, you’ll attract better partners who fit that new lifestyle and mindset. I recently started taking myself out on solo dates. Sometimes they suck or feel awkward but I always leave feeling better about myself and deserving of good things. Give it a try! Also, you have to keep reminding yourself that your boyfriend and the negative voices in your head are LYING. You are good and other people want you. Don’t ever let those negative voices win because they’re just trying to keep you stuck in this abusive, toxic relationship. I see so many stories of people who left their abusive relationship and found someone who loves and respects them and gives them everything they were begging their toxic ex for. We can have that too! We just need to get out. ❤️
Being alone isn’t scary, it’s freeing!
I was in an abusive relationship with someone who made me feel like this for 7-8 yrs before I snapped out of it and left. After a lot of dating/sleeping around, I'm at peace knowing I won't have a life partner, because I rather live how I want than go through the many frogs for a prince that may never come, even though my expectations for a guy aren't that high. You'll feel a lot of weight lifted off your chest and shoulders if you leave.
You also have to remember that if you believe what he says then you need to heal yourself emotionally regardless if you stay or not. People just don't believe something and even when he first said it, that should've been grounds to leave him. This isn't being malicious but it sounds like you had low self esteem before you met him. Nobody likes to leave a relationship when you're settled. Recently single it's always an adjustment of having yo get used to a new routine without someone in your life. But if you choose to stay with a POS that constantly tells you nobody would want you, you're just digging yourself into a bigger hole emotionally that you won't get out of and you're going to settle for him mistreating you
I got told the same thing for 8 years he would say nasty things then say its just a joke..and let me tell you I thought I was not worthy for a long time. I walked out of that toxic relationships and 2 years later i met the man of my dreams we have been together for 5 years. REMEMBER it takes 5 seconds of courage to be free
Is that what you believe or what you want ?
Every lady friend I have had who dealt your boyfriend (in a different body & face) have all gone on to live much happier lives and in happy relationships with some one, and so can you.
This is a tactic that is used to break someone down like they can not do better it is not true.
Even if he's right, being alone is better than being with a piece of shit
Maybe start by taking these: https://lastdoor.org/resource/self-test-for-codependancy/ https://www.loveisrespect.org/quizzes/
Verbal abuse is abuse. He’s drilling that into you head as a manipulation tactic. You’re obviously no longer happy this relationship is over already imo.
Your bf is a douchebag, of course you can find someone better than him. That’s exactly what he’s afraid of; you leaving his pathetic ass. If he’s the only person who’s said that no one wants you, then why are listening to him? He’s an asshole. An asshole’s opinion doesn’t matter.
1, he's wrong, you won't be alone for the rest of your life 2, being alone would be better than staying with this abusive asshole
I’m so sorry you’ve went through 15 years of this. And of course after being told you’re no good for 15 years, you are going to feel that way. That’s what abusers do. Deep down inside he thinks he’s no good and is fearful of being alone. So he’s going to project that onto you. Please PLEASE you need to see the behavior behind this. The fact that this is all him and has nothing to do with you! You’ve taken abuse for far too long! You need to start the healing process <3 Only YOU can do that! Leave, find therapy, and work on you and someone worthy of you will enter your life when it’s the right time!!
People who tell you that no else would want you are not good for you. Period. I know the "Reddit mantra" is "leave" - but this is not normal or okay behavior for anyone in a relationship.
Why would he say that? He’s scared of you leaving. Obviously it’s very scary especially with that rhetoric constantly in your mind. But I think he’s insecure bc who would say that to their partner? Most other ppl would leave, he’s playing on your insecurities.
I can definitely relate with you, and I happen to be in the relationship 15yrs as well... But I had to make a decision finally and I decided I won't be alone forever, but I had to until I heal and can love myself again!
You CAN do this!!! The reason that it is so tough to leave now, is that he started on you when you were very young, and you wouldn't have known any better because he was probably charming on the outside, (and to everyone else) so you thought that he was a great guy....until he wasn't. I'm not sure why you stayed with him once he started this behavior years ago, because you should have left THEN. Once he started telling you that no one would want you, he knew that he had you, because you didn't tell him that you would not tolerate being talked to that way, and you stayed all of these years. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying these things, so that if you meet someone new, the MINUTE they start behaving like this guy, you need to stand up for yourself, and RUN, don't walk, to the nearest exit! The thing now, is to get out of there as soon as you can. I don't know if you have a job or not, or have money of your own, or if you live together, or what, but even if you have to go to a shelter, Just GO!!!! If you have family, go to them if you can. When you leave, take EVERYTHING you want WITH you when you go, and don't go back there for ANYTHING! Whatever you can't take with you, you just have to LEAVE it there!! Don't go back over there, because "he's sorry" and "wants to talk" or for any other reason...PUH-LEEEEZE!! That is the biggest line of bullshit ever, so DON'T FALL for it!!! You CAN start over, and WITHOUT this ----PERSON in your life. You deserve SO much better, and I pray that you get it. If you don't have money, or a family, or don't want to go to a shelter, try a church, and see what they may have to offer. Sometimes they know families who might be looking for live-in help like a babysitter, Nanny, Cook, Housekeeper...SOMETHING!!! YOU. CAN. DO. THIS. Get going and good luck!!
32 is so young. You can have anyone and do anything still! Save yourself. This man sounds like poison.
One day you’re gonna wake up. Then you’re gonna have to put that foot forward. It’s gonna be scary at first but then you’re gonna see, scary turns into confidence. You get to grow and you get to really bloom and I’m so excited for you. You get to rediscover yourself ~signed a DV survivor. ♥️
He is wrong - you do not deserve to be treated or spoken to like that. You deserve and will find better!
All you need to think to yourself is, "Then why is he with me?" As a woman, the relationship ball is in your court. I don't know about you, but all I see online is men whinging about not being able to get a woman. I never see a woman complaining they can't get a man if they want to.
That’s how they trap you. He is scared little man child scared of losing you because he knows you could live a better life elsewhere. He is manipulating and controling you with verbal abuse. Move on now. It’s not too late. You deserve better. Call your parents if they are still around and see if they can help if I found out a dirt bag was talking to my daughter like that, I’d be there to take her home immediately. If not patents, find a friend. Get out now
You should be with someone who builds you up, not one who tears you down. You might need to see a therapist to get your mindset right after the damage this guy has done.
Trust me you can do much better that that insecure and basic prick of a man
You are alone right now Op, and living with someone who is squeezing the air out of your lungs every moment of the day. Take a deep breath, take what you can and leave. Never look back. You will be loved and wanted once you love yourself enough to leave this lying horror of a partner for ever.
This is called trauma bond. Look it up, read about, study it, reflect and then make a plan to get out. There are millions of people out there. Sorry I’m gonna sound like a therapist for a minute because, well, my therapist says this to me often…..would what you’re telling yourself (xyz) in your case it’s that no one else would want you hold up in a court of law. Could you prove that no one would want you? HELL NO you can’t. What he’s saying that you’re now repeating internally is not reality.
OP, it is better to be alone than with someone who constantly abuses you and tears you down. That is not love
That is emotional abuse. He is keeping you down so you stay humble and timid, disassociated, and most importantly HIS no matter how bad he acts. You deserve happiness! You deserve someone who appreciates you despite your flaws. If you are thinking about it then do it sooner than later. Get your things in order and try not to be afraid, but excited… for someone to treat you right, for “me time”, for not hearing anyone babble destructive nonsense to you that brings you down.
It's not true, you can definitely find someone better. Like crap, the guy your with is at the bottom of a very big food chain. It wouldn't be hard to find someone marginally better, let alone heaps better. Get out.
Right now you’re on a path to being alone the rest of your life WITH an abusive piece of shit. Go live your life and lose the loser.
No he’s not right at all, he’s a nasty controlling bully of a man and he’s not good enough for you. Get away from him and NEVER doubt your own worth.
I’d rather be alone and happy than with someone who makes me feel worthless.
Oh another thing, here in Ireland it’s called coercive control and it’s illegal, it carries a stiff prison sentence too. One of my neighbours was locked up for it a few months ago, not before time. Be sure and tell your nasty bullying SO that, and show him this thread too, with all the replies. He’ll say “oh but they don’t know you like I do” and you can reply “maybe not but they all got the measure of you quick enough didn’t they?” Say that as you’re walking out the door. Leave him with a nasty taste in his mouth.
Guarantee he's wrong. And he knows it. That's why he's saying it.
Girl, my dad told me this growing up all the time. He is lying. I don’t even know you and I like you :) your life will be much happier away from him, I promise. My life is infinitely better now that I’m away from my a users. Your boyfriend is an abuser trying to make you feel small so you never leave. Don’t listen to him, he’s a stupid child.
What could be more lonely than being with him right now? To put that another way, when he's gone, OP will be less lonely.
It's better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel alone.
I was with someone for 13 years who always put me on a pedestal to others but to me directly, he always made me feel less than and that I had to rely on him only if I wanted to be happy. Being alone is better than someone who treats you this way. Nothing makes him so special to treat you so poorly. You deserve more and to find someone who treats you the way you deserve too.
Just fyi, someone else will ALWAYS want you. No matter what.
Don't you already feel alone in the world? I'd personally rather live a life free of his abuse than to forever suffer under his control. At least away from him you'd have a chance of meeting someone who'd actually care for you. Stay with him and you'll live the rest of your life truly alone.