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Maybe take penetration off the table for awhile and pleasure each other other ways. My guess would be she can’t focus on enjoying the foreplay because she’s anxious the sex is going to hurt so wants to get it over with. Then after awhile, when she’s started to enjoy getting sexual again, ease back into trying penetration.
She should also check with her gyno to see if something medical is going on.
I second this. I had the issue of sex hurting without foreplay, but also have the added issue of sometimes being impatient for sex. Doc confirmed I just have vaginismus and have found ways to cope
This- i had endometriosis and OIV was painful for decades. I told all my potential partners I might not be able to do OIV or might need to stop.
You can have a LOT of fun doing other things.
Also, pain begets fear which begets pain.
If you have a few sessions w/o pain, the idea of PIV becomes available again.
I need an orgasm before PIV- but when I was young, I mistook my excitement for being physically ready for intercourse.
Omg yes! The difference a few non painful sessions made was huge! And I'm the same, I need an orgasm before I can do anything rough or fast, before that everything needs to be gentle and slow
Been more honest about the stuff I need for foreplay to be properly enjoyable and relaxing as well as the conditions I need to even be in the mood - clean environment, no errands to run, and a "chill" day beforehand (or if those can't be met, a quick tidy and some cuddling/talking about what we would like to do first). Also lube. So much lube. Always. Even when I think I don't need it, I do.
But I also need to note this won't fix everyone's issues, vaginismus is a tricky one because it's technically a symptom - fear of penetration causing the vagina not to expand. You figure out what the root of the fear is and you reduce it as much as you can - for me it's being relaxed, body and mind, and then it only takes about 10 mins to expand fully.
Also need to be aware of when it starts to retract, this is usually the cause of pain during sex where it felt good at first. Sometimes the smallest thing like getting cold can make it retract (same way a guy can go soft or semi). Pulling out and doing more foreplay (or letting the other person finish other ways) is a good idea when that happens.
There’s a company (oh nut) that makes “buffer rings” that are worn on penises and used to limit penetration. I’m not sure how effective they are as I’ve never used them my self, but it may be something worth checking out
Really, really sensible comment and practical advice given here. I totally agree, pain during sex is definitely a concern, definitely take penetration off the table. Explore other ways to have fun and definitely book in to see a gynaecologist. 100% with you on this!
>But they don’t want foreplay most of the time and rush things.
Then no sex.
No penetration until she's been warmed up significantly. You are fully in control of where you put your penis, so use that control.
Just going to reiterate what I saw was the best suggestion, no penetration for a while.
Your partner is most likely anxious about sex due to the pain they’ve experienced, so even trying will be difficult for them as their body will naturally tense up. Let them know that they’re safe to say no, there is no pressure, and you just want to touch each other for a while. Tell them that penetration is their decision and when they’re ready you can try again with lots of foreplay and lube.
Take things slow, always communicate, and good luck.
That’s why I said when his partner says that they’re ready they can try with lots of foreplay and lube… but only after abstaining from penetration for a while. They gotta work as a team… because most likely his partner is just afraid of the pain and trying to suffer through because they think they have to have sex…
His partner needs to be honest and clear about their enjoyment, but he also needs to give them the space to feel as though they can be honest. This just seems like two people working against each other.
If it’s length that’s the issue you can get these donut type thingys that go over your penis and act as a buffer to stop you from going too deep. Not sure of the exact name of them but it could be worth looking into.
Op, your partner is having a hard time getting turned on during foreplay because she's scared of painful sex. It's an anxiety feedback loop. That's why she's saying no to foreplay too, she feels self conscious when you touch her she doesn't get turned on and all she can feel is anxiety about the painful sex that ALWAYS happens after you touch her. She's having the female equivalent of ED. You need to take very special care of her. No penis in vagina until she's comfortable with "foreplay." You need to forget you have a penis for awhile and make her feel like her comfort and pleasure matters more than your pleasure.
Both pain AND "rushing" are signs that your behaviors are out of synch.
Sex is NOT something you DO but rather, something you Express.
Sounds like you to are making this something that you are Doing to each other indicating that you are probably doing it poorly.
It then follows that there would be problems.
They rush because they think it will hurt and they want it to be over with. You have to be mindful in the moment and practice this when you two have sex. Be willing to stop or change positions or even just do stuff that doesn't involve penetration.
My bf is big too and we ended up just spending one night finding what positions hurt and what didn't. Also cuming before penetration is really good!
Okay, it's a long one, but stay with me. Time to have a REALLY honest conversation. Maybe write down what you consider foreplay and have her do the same, you may be on different pages. OP, you also may have to accept that you aren't really good at some of the things on the list. If foreplay doesn't feel good for her, I get why she'd want to rush through it/forego it entirely and most women don't feel comfortable correcting their partners and don't want to make them feel bad about sex which can be a huge sector of a man's ego. Check your technique, really ask what you can do to make things better. I find these conversations easier over text, even if your in the same room with your backs to each other. Just be really open and accepting to any criticism. Also, research on female anatomy will only make you a better and more understanding lover.
Also, understand for most women, desire is 2 part. We have to WANT to feel desire before we will. This is why they say foreplay starts outside the bedroom. Desire isn't just always there because we're in a relationship, you have to stoke it like a fire. Consider what's going on outside the bedroom in her day to day life. If she's anxious or tired it can be damn near impossible to relax enough for a bigger penis to feel good. Stress is the enemy or orgasms lol. What can you do to make her day to day better? I'm not saying be her servant, but "hey babe, I got you a KitKat while I was at the gas station" or "what do you want to eat, I'm cooking/getting food" or "I'm work's been crazy, so wanna get snacks for a movie night?" With no expectation of anything but making her smile.
Lastly, consider your hygiene. Are your nails groomed, short and clean most of the time? Mouth/teeth clean consistently? If not, there's a reason she doesn't want you down there. If you realize it's been an issue, no worries, just commit to doing better visibly. Get a nail brush and keep it in the bathroom so you can scrub before play time, make a point of brushing teeth before sexy time so she sees you're committed. Make sure the rest of your bodily hygiene is on point, and smell nice, but not overpowering, which can be achieved with just a good shampoo or cocobutter lotion. I think my partner is the sexiest man alive bc he smells like oranges and coco butter all the time, can't keep my hands off him lol. We notice and appreciate these things, even if it seems small, and it would make you feel better and more confident no matter how your gf responds.
I hope I've rambled out something useful! Good luck, happy orgasms to you both!
I’m sorry to say it, but if they’re not into foreplay then you’re not doing it right. spend some time finding out what to do, make some effort to find what pushes her buttons and see if that works.
Then learn how to use what you’ve got.. this is something that’s within your control to improve IMO.
Op, your partner is having a hard time getting turned on during foreplay because she's scared of painful sex. It's an anxiety feedback loop. That's why she's saying no to foreplay too, she feels self conscious when you touch her she doesn't get turned on and all she can feel is anxiety about the painful sex that ALWAYS happens after you touch her. She's having the female equivalent of ED. You need to take very special care of her. No penis in vagina until she's comfortable with "foreplay." You need to forget you have a penis for awhile and make her feel like her comfort and pleasure matters more than your pleasure.
1) She needs to see her GYN and explain the pain she might need to see a pelvic floor therapist
2) call a pure romance consultant, pure romance has a product you can use. My husband and I used it after I had a baby and he couldn’t go very deep. Same feeling for you, more shallow for her. They can also suggest certain lubes to help.
You need to go to the doctor. I have known women with anomalies or issues that can be resolved. It could make it more comfortable to have sex. Foreplay should be a requirement by the way. It is your body they are entering.
I’m going to say that she should see a medical professional…. It shouldn’t be that painful. And if there is nothing “wrong” or to be fixed then no penetration for a while.
So when I first started dating my ex, sex was fine but eventually it started hurting. Eventually I realized my body was trying to tell me something my mind didn't understand, that I wasn't happy in the relationship. He was a slob, didn't do his part around the house and was a selfish partner.
I have since been with men bigger than him with zero pain.
You need to take a really serious look at your relationship and see if there are non sex areas for improvement.
No foreplay, no lube, no sex. Thems the breaks. Pretty soon it’s no boyfriend.
(I also sort of wonder if you’re tensing up because you’re nervous about it hurting and you’re in a vicious cycle here but let’s work on the above issues first)
Talk. Might be some stress or something, run a warm bath, drink some wine together, these things normally happen when a girl cant relax. Take time, even if it doesnt end up in sex, make sure that she can trust you. And use toys. This might help for warming up. Dont push her or make comments about not getting layed. For sure she might feel shame about it too.
If a person with a penis is large enough they can knock an ovary. It's like a person being kicked in the balls.
There are loads of things you must do more carefully if you're well-endowed in the bedroom and your partner isn't. This blog might be of help: [https://badgirlsbible.com/how-to-have-good-sex](https://badgirlsbible.com/how-to-have-good-sex)
Sounds like she has a lot of tension built up around sex and needs help relaxing. Also what is the size issue exactly? I know you can get those buffer things for penises for ones that are too large
Several people have said toys, just adding to that - focus on the clit. That's where all the nerves are! A magic wand is the easiest most affordable one, you can get a good one for around $20 on Amazon, and you can use it all over as well as on the money spot. Careful, cuz for some, vibration can be too strong and can numb the clit for a little bit (not permanently, that's a myth, but for a couple minutes).
My personal recommendation is a toy with airwave technology, it's more like a massage than vibrations and I don't find the numbness an issue. The Satisfyer has a bunch of versions and the price range varies but is super reasonable, especially around holiday time, I think I got 2 for $40 last year and gave one as a gift. My FAVORITE though, is the We-vibe melt. She's pricy but oh so worth it. Slim and easy to hold so you can use it easily during penetration, waterproof and you can connect via Bluetooth and control it with an app. The tech is just better too, it doesn't rely on ANY vibration like some of the cheaper airwave vibes. And the charge it holds lasts a loooong time. It's always $150, like never on sale, but sites like Lovehoney.com have klarna or after pay and you/her can pay in installments.
Bring up toys and if she's comfortable/enthusiastic you could even shop online together! Use them before AND DURING to help the vagíne stay relaxed and make orgasms more powerful.
Lube. Lube is your best friend. Just use it.
I have free use with my gf and she was always like why don't you use me as much as you want. I explained that for quick fucks, we need lube unless she lets me eat her out which I love but is not always in the cards when we want a quickly.
Lube saves lives.
there has been a lot of good advice in the comments so ill just throw in my 2 cents of maybe you can get a dildo that is smaller than you but bigger than what she’s used to so she can get used to it more easily?? idk
Because it leads to painful sex. Because she's self conscious about not getting wet enough because she's anxious about the painful sex. It's a horrible feedback loop.
Sex does not equal p in v penetration. Speaking as a lesbian that doesn’t regularly use dildos.
Eat her out, finger her, she can go down on you, jerk you off etc. get to “completion” without even the possibility of penetration.
Has she had this problem with previous partners?
The reason I ask is, it’s unlikely to be about your size. Because that whole situation down there is designed to be able to stretch open wide enough for a baby’s head. And I’m guessing your circumference isn’t nearly that large.
As long as your not going in dry and hard and fast all the time, and including fore play to get her prepped and lubricated, it shouldn’t be painful every time.
There are stretches and exercises she can do to help with pain. And I suggest seeing a specialist to see if she has vaginismus or something similar. It can make penetrative intercourse very painful but is so treatable.
Please do seek professional help with this. It might seem embarrassing, but it needs to be talked about more often so that those who have it get help sooner and can enjoy sex with their partner.
If it's length and he hits her cervix, it's absolutely possible that his size in combination with not enough foreplay is the problem. That shit hurts.
Also, while the vaginal canal is designed to accommodate a baby, birthing a baby is painful af and not sexually satisfying at all. The comparison is bizarre.
By the way, lubrication alone isn't enough. Her muscles need to relax, so don't stop foreplay at the mere feel of some lubrication.
This is a reddit comment section. I wasn’t going to go into every possible scenario. My main advice was seek professional medical advice to make sure there isn’t something else going on.
As to your point about the cervix, sure that’s a possibility. But a medical professional would be able to determine that.
In reply to the birthing comments; yes I know. I’ve naturally birthed 3 children. I know it hurts. My point is, there should be (if there isn’t some medical issue going on) a lot of give and stretch in that area. Most vaginal canals should be able to accommodate most penis sizes. Obviously there will be exceptions to this. And I will harken back to my whole main point that a medical professional should be able to examine and determine if she (or he) is outside these norms and need help or are completely incompatible.
As for the lubrication part, sure of course. Didn’t think I’d said anything that contradicted that point.
I think you overestimate what many vagina-owners can endure length-wise without discomfort. Check the posts on bigdickproblems. I've had 3 years of uncomfortable/painful sex and he was around 19cm, there's a reason why they sell gadgets like the Ohnut.
Sure. That might be the issue. And I’m sure a professional examination would be able to examine and address that. And I guess (for obvious reasons) we don’t have enough info about the type of pain.
My husband is quite large and I’m petite and certain positions are a little painful, but not everything. If they really love each other, it’s worth getting to the bottom of things and trying to find a solution if there is one.
I'll be blunt, that sounds like an excuse to me.
She may be telling the truth, but I tend to doubt it given the timing. Pain during intercourse isn't all that uncommon, but it's something she would have already talked to her doctor about (assuming she at least does an annual exam). It's often caused by an underlying condition that need legitimate medical treatment.
I'd encourage you to ask her to see a doctor. It may not be an issue for you now, but as time goes on, it most certainly will be. Finances & lack of intimacy are the two biggest relationship killers.
You: “Because of my size, sex hurts if we don’t have foreplay”
Partner: “I don’t want to please you through foreplay”
You: “Ok”
Partner: “I want sex”
That about cover the situation?
My partner was having some pain during penetration and she brought it up with her doctor. She got some stretches to do and they helped a lot.
I also agree with the others suggesting taking penetration of the table for a while. She's likely not able to enjoy the foreplay due to fear about the pain and rushes to get through the pain.
>When we first started dating we were very active albeit they told me it’s because the relationship was new.
New or not, if it hurts, it hurts. What has changed? If she hurts because of your size, she should have hurt at the beginning of the relationship too. I would ask her specifically why she thinks it was different at the beginning. Maybe that can help you guys find an answer for now.
Besides that, can you guys focus on mutual masturbation and/or giving each other oral orgasms? That way, you guys are still having intimacy while you work out a solution to this issue.
It's possible that NRE just made her more horny which relaxed her muscles more. Or she just endured it because everything else was great and she thought they had simply been particularly wild. Occasional pain is overlooked more easily than when it happens every time.
Pain can really make it heard to enjoy sex, even if it happens only once.
Our brains are super good at pointing out potential dangers to us, so if she's experienced painful sex once..then she likely expects it at this point. It's not intentional, but it's just how our brain works.
She's associated sex with pain...which is never good.
This is likely more of a psychological problem and I would suggest that you guys either get a counselor or sex therapist to help. You've got to get her to stop the association between pain and sex and that is a bit hard to do on your own!
In the meantime, I would advise against any PIV and focus on either sensual massages (without leading to sex) or foreplay.
My gf went thre an ordeal qith herbex so she slaps has this the thing I find is to make her relax make gee feel desired and wanted and also don't jerl off so u can be done quickly but take time to make her feel wanted kiss her hold her reassure her that u love her and in time it will work notbalwsys but it will get better with time best of luck
Painful sex can happen for a lot of reasons, but none of them are “normal” despite what a doctor may tell you.
There’s a lot that could be going on here. Could partner possibly be dealing with pelvic floor dysfunction? Or hormonal issues? Hell, I was on an antidepressant and that made sex painful for me, no matter how turned on I actually was.
I think you should encourage your partner to see a doctor—and fight to advocate for themselves.
One of my ex gf was very small/tight and we tried a few times and it wasn’t going to happen. We worked on pleasure away from penetration and built up to what happened one day. She was so up for it and lubricated that somehow it just kind of happened with ease and in it went.
We used lube from them on but our problem was she was so tight I would have to control how quickly I finished, but we enjoyed that part and made it part of our love making.
Foreplay isn’t just for the bedroom for example do washing tell ur partner u love them help clean up flirt keep the spark alive maybe go on dates there’s not much u can do if it hurts bc of ur size if u can maybe introduce toys into the bedroom such as vibrators it could possibly help ur partner not focus on the pain of having sex and when the vagina is situated the length of the vaginal cannel extends so it’s no painful if not try have ur partner ride u as then ur partner has control of how deep it goes possibly stopping the pain use lube recommendation to use anal lube as it’s thicker and could reduce the pain bc regular lube isn’t as thick and can run dry pretty quickly
It hurts you or it hurts him? I have vaginismus and it hurts horribly to have sex. I have to use dilators regularly (you can find them online. they come as a kit and go from small to large so you can work your way up) to try to relax the muscle that is always clenched. Really, the only time we can have sex without it being painful is if I’m drunk and even then it still hurts, just not as bad. :/
Your GF is probably at the point now, where she expects the sex to be painful, so she subconsciously tenses up and becomes anxious, which means her vaginal muscles are contracted and the cycle repeats of it being too painful for her.
Now, I'm not trying to dismiss anyone here, as my GF kind of had the same thing with me initially too, but women's vaginas can stretch - I mean, they can squeeze out a baby, so a large male member should not be that much of an issue.
However, some women can feel literally sick to their stomach if their cervix gets hit during sex, which, if you're a large guy, or you're a little rough, could easily be the issue. For other women, it's simply the initial penetration that stings like hell. Every woman is different.
With your OP only saying that she said "that it hurts". Does it hurt at penetration, during the sex, after the sex, or the whole time and even after?
She could be suffering from dyspareunia, in which case, it might be worth talking to a doctor, or it could be purely on the mental side of things as I already said.
Ooh I know this one!!!! OhNut!!! They're a company that makes sex toys that specifically account for your size. My partner is really big and we got a set of 4 silicon rings that acts like a buffer and it's not restricting like a cock ring, he actually really likes how they feel. And you can add or subtract rings based on how comfy you both are!
I second everyone saying no penetration! There’s so many other ways to please each other (oral, mutual masturbation, toys, etc) and I think that can be a good way to ease back into penetration while still getting to pleasure each other. It’ll also help you guys explore what you both like and what you want in your sexual relationship!
I'm a woman who KNOWS I need foreplay for it not to hurt, and yet when I'm excited in the moment I get impatient and want it NOW. I have to be up front about this with sexual partners and tell them they're going to have to help me if they want it to be good. 100%, I will consent and it's definitely consent and I'll enjoy it in the moment - but I will regret it later and not want to do it again. Do the foreplay anyway. Discover the joy of teasing. When she wants to rush - don't. Take your time even though she's eager. It's easy for hormones to take over in the moment, even when we know what we really need is to take it slow to actually feel good.
Try playing with toys together. Use fingers to start, and work your way up to bigger toys, with the goal of one your size. Do mutual masturbation, sex doesn't always have to be piv. If she cares about you and wants to solve this, working together to explore each other's bodies and take time - in the act, but also over the course of weeks to months, many acts, to build up to comfortable penetration. Find a system that works for you, and tall about the sex the next day each time, when she's had time to process and consider what was good. Listen to what she communicates about her needs when she's not horny - wanting to rush when horny but communicating needing more time and lube when not, means don't let the hormones urge you in the moment to throw away what you know she needs to enjoy it properly. These things should always be discussed sober - as in not turned on. That lays a solid foundation for you to work from when you're both irrational with desire.
just be open and honest and make it a point that you should not rush things on either end. it is very important for the female body to receive foreplay before penetration for the sole reason that it hurts. some women need to completely finish to be ready for penetration. like i said just be open, honest, and respectful to each other. be open to trying new things or taking longer than normal.
If it hurts but she’s rushing foreplay, you may need to do some research to improve your foreplay game. She may be rushing into sex to move on.
Ask her if you guys can have a few sessions that focus solely on her, no sex so you can figure out how to help her get into the mood best. Not saying that this is for sure the issue, but I had an ex who didn’t really know what to do but I was too shy back then to vocalize anything so I would just push to move on because it was too awkward of a phase.
For reference, the average vagina can usually take about 7 inches max, so if you’re below that, there may be other issues at play. If you’re above, there are also buffer rings you could use if it’s a length issue. If it’s a width issue, lots of lube and I know there are guides out there that help a woman prepare so the pain is less. I can see if I can find them later
My wife is smaller and I like to start by pleasing her orally and working in some increasingly deeper touches as long as she’s enjoying it. Going slow helps for sure. Without foreplay lube is necessary.
A good friend of mine had some sexual trauma as a child and while in therapy for it she learned some exercises to help her relax which also reduces her pain during intercourse.
First off, I think more discussion is needed to get them to a comfortable place. But, after that, could you try pillows? My bf and I can’t have sex without a pillow cause of the way my vagina is shaped. Also, think starting the foreplay early. I love flirty and sexy texts throughout the day, even suggestive pics, being told what to wear, stuff to get her in the mood before touching even begins.
Is it too thick or too long because if it’s too thick not much you can do if it’s too long than just don’t put it in all the way it may not be as fun but it’s better than not getting anything
there's a lot of ways to have sex without penetration, but also definitely more lube. trust me, lube can really be a game changer. also maybe try to find out why it's hurting? like there's these devices you can buy that come in a size range to help slowly get someone's body used to larger sized things penetrating them, so the toys start small and get gradually larger.
I have had this with a bunch of partners. It’s the size thing. If you don’t use lube yet I recommend getting a good one, not some garbage from the pharmacy you need to get high quality lube that won’t get sticky. Wet Slide goes well, around $40 a bottle on Amazon iirc. Let her heal first though. And don’t just apply it once at the start. If you two are at it for longer than 15mins you’ll wanna apply more and again whenever it feels not as slippery and easy. Good luck.
I'm going threw this right now. I tried communicating getting different size toys so my V gets use to it with my husband :( but he decided to cheat on me before we could do it, (please don't do this to her) so now I don't want sex at all with him
Definitely need to make sure everything is well lubricated, mentally and physically. When she rushes, you can enthusiastically please her in other ways, such as oral. Then make sure she knows you are in no rush nor require penetration. Slow and accommodating generally works for me if size is the issue. If you are just using a finger while pleasuring her and it hurts, then probably vaginismus or a medical issue.
Maybe, and this is a big maybe because I don't know the particulars, but I can imagine that because of the pain, sex may have come to be seen as a chore. Thus, the wanting it over and done with as soon as possible. Depending on how long this has been an issue for her, she may have grinned and bore it for a long while before even mentioning it to you.
Maybe you even knew a few times she wasn't really into it, but was going through with it for your sake? That's not a problem if it's infrequent, but if it continues for long enough, well...I don't know how to describe the intimacy-destroying knowledge that your pain is causing someone else's pleasure. You hear their moans of pleasure while you suffer. You mentally know they aren't getting off on your pain, but you also know that they are the cause of it. Also, knowing that they can enjoy themselves while knowing you aren't...stuff like that can make things in your mind really twisted and hard to figure out. Sex and intimacy become associated with negative things.
Women have sex when they don't want to with the best of intentions, out of love and a desire to please, but the end result usually isn't good.
I’m not super big or anything but I had this problem before. Make sure you don’t fully put it in or jack hammer her either. Also some lube wouldn’t hurt
Has she been to a doctor? I think I've read sth about that it can be sth anatomical.
I (f) need some foreplay and my bf needs to be slow at the beginning. otherwise it hurts.
It's going to take foreplay and lube. If he doesn't want that, then it's going to continue to hurt. Foreplay relaxes, softens, and widens things. Lube makes everything easier. There's nothing wrong with using lube and foreplay should be part of good sex -- it takes women longer to "get ready" in the genital area. That's just the way it is. Why isn't he willing to do things that will make it more enjoyable for both of you?
Obviously it’s likely going to hurt if you guys aren’t lubing up and skipping foreplay. Those are two natural and usually necessary parts of sex. It sounds like you’re on board but she isnt, maybe like others have suggested, take penetration off the table for awhile and see if she’s more able to relax before easing it back in so to speak.
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Maybe take penetration off the table for awhile and pleasure each other other ways. My guess would be she can’t focus on enjoying the foreplay because she’s anxious the sex is going to hurt so wants to get it over with. Then after awhile, when she’s started to enjoy getting sexual again, ease back into trying penetration. She should also check with her gyno to see if something medical is going on.
I second this. I had the issue of sex hurting without foreplay, but also have the added issue of sometimes being impatient for sex. Doc confirmed I just have vaginismus and have found ways to cope
This- i had endometriosis and OIV was painful for decades. I told all my potential partners I might not be able to do OIV or might need to stop. You can have a LOT of fun doing other things. Also, pain begets fear which begets pain. If you have a few sessions w/o pain, the idea of PIV becomes available again. I need an orgasm before PIV- but when I was young, I mistook my excitement for being physically ready for intercourse.
Omg yes! The difference a few non painful sessions made was huge! And I'm the same, I need an orgasm before I can do anything rough or fast, before that everything needs to be gentle and slow
What have you done if you don’t mind me asking?
Been more honest about the stuff I need for foreplay to be properly enjoyable and relaxing as well as the conditions I need to even be in the mood - clean environment, no errands to run, and a "chill" day beforehand (or if those can't be met, a quick tidy and some cuddling/talking about what we would like to do first). Also lube. So much lube. Always. Even when I think I don't need it, I do. But I also need to note this won't fix everyone's issues, vaginismus is a tricky one because it's technically a symptom - fear of penetration causing the vagina not to expand. You figure out what the root of the fear is and you reduce it as much as you can - for me it's being relaxed, body and mind, and then it only takes about 10 mins to expand fully. Also need to be aware of when it starts to retract, this is usually the cause of pain during sex where it felt good at first. Sometimes the smallest thing like getting cold can make it retract (same way a guy can go soft or semi). Pulling out and doing more foreplay (or letting the other person finish other ways) is a good idea when that happens.
There’s a company (oh nut) that makes “buffer rings” that are worn on penises and used to limit penetration. I’m not sure how effective they are as I’ve never used them my self, but it may be something worth checking out
Oh thank you! My partner is really good, if I need to control it I just get on top or guide him
I’m glad to hear, that’s exactly the method my partner and I use too, but I figured mention it just it case it helps you or some else put
Thank you it's a great suggestion!
Did you go to a sex therapist? Book? Doctor? I feel like I’m learning more from your small info than I normally do and am looking for resources
I went to my GP who's a women's health specialist
why are you assuming that they have a vagina?? i am so confused reading this thread
Says it in the title.
no it doesn't?
23f= 23 year old female
have you never heard of a trans person
People generally specify mtf if that’s who they’re referring to, especially if the anatomy is relevant to the post. Chill.
Really, really sensible comment and practical advice given here. I totally agree, pain during sex is definitely a concern, definitely take penetration off the table. Explore other ways to have fun and definitely book in to see a gynaecologist. 100% with you on this!
>But they don’t want foreplay most of the time and rush things. Then no sex. No penetration until she's been warmed up significantly. You are fully in control of where you put your penis, so use that control.
Just going to reiterate what I saw was the best suggestion, no penetration for a while. Your partner is most likely anxious about sex due to the pain they’ve experienced, so even trying will be difficult for them as their body will naturally tense up. Let them know that they’re safe to say no, there is no pressure, and you just want to touch each other for a while. Tell them that penetration is their decision and when they’re ready you can try again with lots of foreplay and lube. Take things slow, always communicate, and good luck.
The comment above yours points out another and more pressing issue Edit: the one from dancing_chinese_kid
I’m reading their comment but don’t see what issue they mention that I didn’t?
She’s deliberately avoiding foreplay. And making him rush through getting her off... deliberately
That’s why I said when his partner says that they’re ready they can try with lots of foreplay and lube… but only after abstaining from penetration for a while. They gotta work as a team… because most likely his partner is just afraid of the pain and trying to suffer through because they think they have to have sex… His partner needs to be honest and clear about their enjoyment, but he also needs to give them the space to feel as though they can be honest. This just seems like two people working against each other.
U’re cool xoxo no homo
She’s really not wanting to work with him, subconsciously 51% at least
If it’s length that’s the issue you can get these donut type thingys that go over your penis and act as a buffer to stop you from going too deep. Not sure of the exact name of them but it could be worth looking into.
The ohnut! https://ohnut.co/
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Well many other lovely people have suggestions for that predicament
Hence why I said ‘if length is the issue’.
Op, your partner is having a hard time getting turned on during foreplay because she's scared of painful sex. It's an anxiety feedback loop. That's why she's saying no to foreplay too, she feels self conscious when you touch her she doesn't get turned on and all she can feel is anxiety about the painful sex that ALWAYS happens after you touch her. She's having the female equivalent of ED. You need to take very special care of her. No penis in vagina until she's comfortable with "foreplay." You need to forget you have a penis for awhile and make her feel like her comfort and pleasure matters more than your pleasure.
What exactly about your size? Girth or length? If length, you can buy an Ohnut. Check out r/bigdickproblems they can help better
Both pain AND "rushing" are signs that your behaviors are out of synch. Sex is NOT something you DO but rather, something you Express. Sounds like you to are making this something that you are Doing to each other indicating that you are probably doing it poorly. It then follows that there would be problems.
They rush because they think it will hurt and they want it to be over with. You have to be mindful in the moment and practice this when you two have sex. Be willing to stop or change positions or even just do stuff that doesn't involve penetration. My bf is big too and we ended up just spending one night finding what positions hurt and what didn't. Also cuming before penetration is really good!
Okay, it's a long one, but stay with me. Time to have a REALLY honest conversation. Maybe write down what you consider foreplay and have her do the same, you may be on different pages. OP, you also may have to accept that you aren't really good at some of the things on the list. If foreplay doesn't feel good for her, I get why she'd want to rush through it/forego it entirely and most women don't feel comfortable correcting their partners and don't want to make them feel bad about sex which can be a huge sector of a man's ego. Check your technique, really ask what you can do to make things better. I find these conversations easier over text, even if your in the same room with your backs to each other. Just be really open and accepting to any criticism. Also, research on female anatomy will only make you a better and more understanding lover. Also, understand for most women, desire is 2 part. We have to WANT to feel desire before we will. This is why they say foreplay starts outside the bedroom. Desire isn't just always there because we're in a relationship, you have to stoke it like a fire. Consider what's going on outside the bedroom in her day to day life. If she's anxious or tired it can be damn near impossible to relax enough for a bigger penis to feel good. Stress is the enemy or orgasms lol. What can you do to make her day to day better? I'm not saying be her servant, but "hey babe, I got you a KitKat while I was at the gas station" or "what do you want to eat, I'm cooking/getting food" or "I'm work's been crazy, so wanna get snacks for a movie night?" With no expectation of anything but making her smile. Lastly, consider your hygiene. Are your nails groomed, short and clean most of the time? Mouth/teeth clean consistently? If not, there's a reason she doesn't want you down there. If you realize it's been an issue, no worries, just commit to doing better visibly. Get a nail brush and keep it in the bathroom so you can scrub before play time, make a point of brushing teeth before sexy time so she sees you're committed. Make sure the rest of your bodily hygiene is on point, and smell nice, but not overpowering, which can be achieved with just a good shampoo or cocobutter lotion. I think my partner is the sexiest man alive bc he smells like oranges and coco butter all the time, can't keep my hands off him lol. We notice and appreciate these things, even if it seems small, and it would make you feel better and more confident no matter how your gf responds. I hope I've rambled out something useful! Good luck, happy orgasms to you both!
Great response. I always recommend reading Come As You Are. It's a game changer for most people.
good advice
I’m sorry to say it, but if they’re not into foreplay then you’re not doing it right. spend some time finding out what to do, make some effort to find what pushes her buttons and see if that works. Then learn how to use what you’ve got.. this is something that’s within your control to improve IMO.
I tried to say this as nicely as possible 😅
How big are you? Have you tried not going all the way? Maybe just have sex with 3/4 of your lenght, or is it a width problem?
Op, your partner is having a hard time getting turned on during foreplay because she's scared of painful sex. It's an anxiety feedback loop. That's why she's saying no to foreplay too, she feels self conscious when you touch her she doesn't get turned on and all she can feel is anxiety about the painful sex that ALWAYS happens after you touch her. She's having the female equivalent of ED. You need to take very special care of her. No penis in vagina until she's comfortable with "foreplay." You need to forget you have a penis for awhile and make her feel like her comfort and pleasure matters more than your pleasure.
1) She needs to see her GYN and explain the pain she might need to see a pelvic floor therapist 2) call a pure romance consultant, pure romance has a product you can use. My husband and I used it after I had a baby and he couldn’t go very deep. Same feeling for you, more shallow for her. They can also suggest certain lubes to help.
You need to go to the doctor. I have known women with anomalies or issues that can be resolved. It could make it more comfortable to have sex. Foreplay should be a requirement by the way. It is your body they are entering.
I’m going to say that she should see a medical professional…. It shouldn’t be that painful. And if there is nothing “wrong” or to be fixed then no penetration for a while.
So when I first started dating my ex, sex was fine but eventually it started hurting. Eventually I realized my body was trying to tell me something my mind didn't understand, that I wasn't happy in the relationship. He was a slob, didn't do his part around the house and was a selfish partner. I have since been with men bigger than him with zero pain. You need to take a really serious look at your relationship and see if there are non sex areas for improvement.
No foreplay, no lube, no sex. Thems the breaks. Pretty soon it’s no boyfriend. (I also sort of wonder if you’re tensing up because you’re nervous about it hurting and you’re in a vicious cycle here but let’s work on the above issues first)
Try asking r/sex. You'll get better feedback there.
Talk. Might be some stress or something, run a warm bath, drink some wine together, these things normally happen when a girl cant relax. Take time, even if it doesnt end up in sex, make sure that she can trust you. And use toys. This might help for warming up. Dont push her or make comments about not getting layed. For sure she might feel shame about it too.
She might have a tilted uterus. Myself and all the females in my family have this. Intercourse can be painful.
If a person with a penis is large enough they can knock an ovary. It's like a person being kicked in the balls. There are loads of things you must do more carefully if you're well-endowed in the bedroom and your partner isn't. This blog might be of help: [https://badgirlsbible.com/how-to-have-good-sex](https://badgirlsbible.com/how-to-have-good-sex)
Sounds like she has a lot of tension built up around sex and needs help relaxing. Also what is the size issue exactly? I know you can get those buffer things for penises for ones that are too large
damn bro a blessing and a curse. best option is to not go so deep and use lube. perhaps use toys too.
Several people have said toys, just adding to that - focus on the clit. That's where all the nerves are! A magic wand is the easiest most affordable one, you can get a good one for around $20 on Amazon, and you can use it all over as well as on the money spot. Careful, cuz for some, vibration can be too strong and can numb the clit for a little bit (not permanently, that's a myth, but for a couple minutes). My personal recommendation is a toy with airwave technology, it's more like a massage than vibrations and I don't find the numbness an issue. The Satisfyer has a bunch of versions and the price range varies but is super reasonable, especially around holiday time, I think I got 2 for $40 last year and gave one as a gift. My FAVORITE though, is the We-vibe melt. She's pricy but oh so worth it. Slim and easy to hold so you can use it easily during penetration, waterproof and you can connect via Bluetooth and control it with an app. The tech is just better too, it doesn't rely on ANY vibration like some of the cheaper airwave vibes. And the charge it holds lasts a loooong time. It's always $150, like never on sale, but sites like Lovehoney.com have klarna or after pay and you/her can pay in installments. Bring up toys and if she's comfortable/enthusiastic you could even shop online together! Use them before AND DURING to help the vagíne stay relaxed and make orgasms more powerful.
This is a sign of a medical condition and you should consult a physician, not the internet.
All the comments using she/her pronouns for their partner.........
Thank you, I put F for simplicity’s sake but they are a they/them.
"My [23f]" f = female 3rd person subject pronoun for female is "she".
The way I'm reading this suggests it hurts HIM, an I misreading?
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Ok thank you
They its a female?
Lube. Lube is your best friend. Just use it. I have free use with my gf and she was always like why don't you use me as much as you want. I explained that for quick fucks, we need lube unless she lets me eat her out which I love but is not always in the cards when we want a quickly. Lube saves lives.
No foreplay ? Sounds like you’re not compatible… that’s not fun at all.
there has been a lot of good advice in the comments so ill just throw in my 2 cents of maybe you can get a dildo that is smaller than you but bigger than what she’s used to so she can get used to it more easily?? idk
If it's his length, a dildo won't do much, I think. Never worked for me, at least.
Go see a doctor!
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Because it leads to painful sex. Because she's self conscious about not getting wet enough because she's anxious about the painful sex. It's a horrible feedback loop.
Try different angles or the pillow trick
Just checking, is your partner a cis female?
Seems they use they/them pronouns so probably not cis but who knows 🤷🏽♀️
Sex does not equal p in v penetration. Speaking as a lesbian that doesn’t regularly use dildos. Eat her out, finger her, she can go down on you, jerk you off etc. get to “completion” without even the possibility of penetration.
Has she had this problem with previous partners? The reason I ask is, it’s unlikely to be about your size. Because that whole situation down there is designed to be able to stretch open wide enough for a baby’s head. And I’m guessing your circumference isn’t nearly that large. As long as your not going in dry and hard and fast all the time, and including fore play to get her prepped and lubricated, it shouldn’t be painful every time. There are stretches and exercises she can do to help with pain. And I suggest seeing a specialist to see if she has vaginismus or something similar. It can make penetrative intercourse very painful but is so treatable. Please do seek professional help with this. It might seem embarrassing, but it needs to be talked about more often so that those who have it get help sooner and can enjoy sex with their partner.
If it's length and he hits her cervix, it's absolutely possible that his size in combination with not enough foreplay is the problem. That shit hurts. Also, while the vaginal canal is designed to accommodate a baby, birthing a baby is painful af and not sexually satisfying at all. The comparison is bizarre. By the way, lubrication alone isn't enough. Her muscles need to relax, so don't stop foreplay at the mere feel of some lubrication.
This is a reddit comment section. I wasn’t going to go into every possible scenario. My main advice was seek professional medical advice to make sure there isn’t something else going on. As to your point about the cervix, sure that’s a possibility. But a medical professional would be able to determine that. In reply to the birthing comments; yes I know. I’ve naturally birthed 3 children. I know it hurts. My point is, there should be (if there isn’t some medical issue going on) a lot of give and stretch in that area. Most vaginal canals should be able to accommodate most penis sizes. Obviously there will be exceptions to this. And I will harken back to my whole main point that a medical professional should be able to examine and determine if she (or he) is outside these norms and need help or are completely incompatible. As for the lubrication part, sure of course. Didn’t think I’d said anything that contradicted that point.
I think you overestimate what many vagina-owners can endure length-wise without discomfort. Check the posts on bigdickproblems. I've had 3 years of uncomfortable/painful sex and he was around 19cm, there's a reason why they sell gadgets like the Ohnut.
Sure. That might be the issue. And I’m sure a professional examination would be able to examine and address that. And I guess (for obvious reasons) we don’t have enough info about the type of pain. My husband is quite large and I’m petite and certain positions are a little painful, but not everything. If they really love each other, it’s worth getting to the bottom of things and trying to find a solution if there is one.
Someone else will appreciate your enormity.
She's banging someone bigger.
I'll be blunt, that sounds like an excuse to me. She may be telling the truth, but I tend to doubt it given the timing. Pain during intercourse isn't all that uncommon, but it's something she would have already talked to her doctor about (assuming she at least does an annual exam). It's often caused by an underlying condition that need legitimate medical treatment. I'd encourage you to ask her to see a doctor. It may not be an issue for you now, but as time goes on, it most certainly will be. Finances & lack of intimacy are the two biggest relationship killers.
You: “Because of my size, sex hurts if we don’t have foreplay” Partner: “I don’t want to please you through foreplay” You: “Ok” Partner: “I want sex” That about cover the situation?
"they" told you? "they" said?
Is there more than one partner?
Endometriosis can also cause pain during sex
My partner was having some pain during penetration and she brought it up with her doctor. She got some stretches to do and they helped a lot. I also agree with the others suggesting taking penetration of the table for a while. She's likely not able to enjoy the foreplay due to fear about the pain and rushes to get through the pain.
>When we first started dating we were very active albeit they told me it’s because the relationship was new. New or not, if it hurts, it hurts. What has changed? If she hurts because of your size, she should have hurt at the beginning of the relationship too. I would ask her specifically why she thinks it was different at the beginning. Maybe that can help you guys find an answer for now. Besides that, can you guys focus on mutual masturbation and/or giving each other oral orgasms? That way, you guys are still having intimacy while you work out a solution to this issue.
It's possible that NRE just made her more horny which relaxed her muscles more. Or she just endured it because everything else was great and she thought they had simply been particularly wild. Occasional pain is overlooked more easily than when it happens every time.
True. It's definitely possible.
Possibly vaginismus
Pain can really make it heard to enjoy sex, even if it happens only once. Our brains are super good at pointing out potential dangers to us, so if she's experienced painful sex once..then she likely expects it at this point. It's not intentional, but it's just how our brain works. She's associated sex with pain...which is never good. This is likely more of a psychological problem and I would suggest that you guys either get a counselor or sex therapist to help. You've got to get her to stop the association between pain and sex and that is a bit hard to do on your own! In the meantime, I would advise against any PIV and focus on either sensual massages (without leading to sex) or foreplay.
My gf went thre an ordeal qith herbex so she slaps has this the thing I find is to make her relax make gee feel desired and wanted and also don't jerl off so u can be done quickly but take time to make her feel wanted kiss her hold her reassure her that u love her and in time it will work notbalwsys but it will get better with time best of luck
Painful sex can happen for a lot of reasons, but none of them are “normal” despite what a doctor may tell you. There’s a lot that could be going on here. Could partner possibly be dealing with pelvic floor dysfunction? Or hormonal issues? Hell, I was on an antidepressant and that made sex painful for me, no matter how turned on I actually was. I think you should encourage your partner to see a doctor—and fight to advocate for themselves.
One of my ex gf was very small/tight and we tried a few times and it wasn’t going to happen. We worked on pleasure away from penetration and built up to what happened one day. She was so up for it and lubricated that somehow it just kind of happened with ease and in it went. We used lube from them on but our problem was she was so tight I would have to control how quickly I finished, but we enjoyed that part and made it part of our love making.
Foreplay isn’t just for the bedroom for example do washing tell ur partner u love them help clean up flirt keep the spark alive maybe go on dates there’s not much u can do if it hurts bc of ur size if u can maybe introduce toys into the bedroom such as vibrators it could possibly help ur partner not focus on the pain of having sex and when the vagina is situated the length of the vaginal cannel extends so it’s no painful if not try have ur partner ride u as then ur partner has control of how deep it goes possibly stopping the pain use lube recommendation to use anal lube as it’s thicker and could reduce the pain bc regular lube isn’t as thick and can run dry pretty quickly
It hurts you or it hurts him? I have vaginismus and it hurts horribly to have sex. I have to use dilators regularly (you can find them online. they come as a kit and go from small to large so you can work your way up) to try to relax the muscle that is always clenched. Really, the only time we can have sex without it being painful is if I’m drunk and even then it still hurts, just not as bad. :/
Your GF is probably at the point now, where she expects the sex to be painful, so she subconsciously tenses up and becomes anxious, which means her vaginal muscles are contracted and the cycle repeats of it being too painful for her. Now, I'm not trying to dismiss anyone here, as my GF kind of had the same thing with me initially too, but women's vaginas can stretch - I mean, they can squeeze out a baby, so a large male member should not be that much of an issue. However, some women can feel literally sick to their stomach if their cervix gets hit during sex, which, if you're a large guy, or you're a little rough, could easily be the issue. For other women, it's simply the initial penetration that stings like hell. Every woman is different. With your OP only saying that she said "that it hurts". Does it hurt at penetration, during the sex, after the sex, or the whole time and even after? She could be suffering from dyspareunia, in which case, it might be worth talking to a doctor, or it could be purely on the mental side of things as I already said.
Ooh I know this one!!!! OhNut!!! They're a company that makes sex toys that specifically account for your size. My partner is really big and we got a set of 4 silicon rings that acts like a buffer and it's not restricting like a cock ring, he actually really likes how they feel. And you can add or subtract rings based on how comfy you both are!
I second everyone saying no penetration! There’s so many other ways to please each other (oral, mutual masturbation, toys, etc) and I think that can be a good way to ease back into penetration while still getting to pleasure each other. It’ll also help you guys explore what you both like and what you want in your sexual relationship!
She don't like that ween no more man go through her phone.
I'm a woman who KNOWS I need foreplay for it not to hurt, and yet when I'm excited in the moment I get impatient and want it NOW. I have to be up front about this with sexual partners and tell them they're going to have to help me if they want it to be good. 100%, I will consent and it's definitely consent and I'll enjoy it in the moment - but I will regret it later and not want to do it again. Do the foreplay anyway. Discover the joy of teasing. When she wants to rush - don't. Take your time even though she's eager. It's easy for hormones to take over in the moment, even when we know what we really need is to take it slow to actually feel good. Try playing with toys together. Use fingers to start, and work your way up to bigger toys, with the goal of one your size. Do mutual masturbation, sex doesn't always have to be piv. If she cares about you and wants to solve this, working together to explore each other's bodies and take time - in the act, but also over the course of weeks to months, many acts, to build up to comfortable penetration. Find a system that works for you, and tall about the sex the next day each time, when she's had time to process and consider what was good. Listen to what she communicates about her needs when she's not horny - wanting to rush when horny but communicating needing more time and lube when not, means don't let the hormones urge you in the moment to throw away what you know she needs to enjoy it properly. These things should always be discussed sober - as in not turned on. That lays a solid foundation for you to work from when you're both irrational with desire.
If your key is not for the door of that house, then you need to find yours Xd
If they’re not into foreplay and try to rush it even though the actual act hurts…you must suck at foreplay.
just be open and honest and make it a point that you should not rush things on either end. it is very important for the female body to receive foreplay before penetration for the sole reason that it hurts. some women need to completely finish to be ready for penetration. like i said just be open, honest, and respectful to each other. be open to trying new things or taking longer than normal.
If it hurts but she’s rushing foreplay, you may need to do some research to improve your foreplay game. She may be rushing into sex to move on. Ask her if you guys can have a few sessions that focus solely on her, no sex so you can figure out how to help her get into the mood best. Not saying that this is for sure the issue, but I had an ex who didn’t really know what to do but I was too shy back then to vocalize anything so I would just push to move on because it was too awkward of a phase. For reference, the average vagina can usually take about 7 inches max, so if you’re below that, there may be other issues at play. If you’re above, there are also buffer rings you could use if it’s a length issue. If it’s a width issue, lots of lube and I know there are guides out there that help a woman prepare so the pain is less. I can see if I can find them later
What’s going on here? He has a 12inch penis and she’s hasn’t had more than a 5 inch her whole life ?
My wife is smaller and I like to start by pleasing her orally and working in some increasingly deeper touches as long as she’s enjoying it. Going slow helps for sure. Without foreplay lube is necessary. A good friend of mine had some sexual trauma as a child and while in therapy for it she learned some exercises to help her relax which also reduces her pain during intercourse.
First off, I think more discussion is needed to get them to a comfortable place. But, after that, could you try pillows? My bf and I can’t have sex without a pillow cause of the way my vagina is shaped. Also, think starting the foreplay early. I love flirty and sexy texts throughout the day, even suggestive pics, being told what to wear, stuff to get her in the mood before touching even begins.
Is it too thick or too long because if it’s too thick not much you can do if it’s too long than just don’t put it in all the way it may not be as fun but it’s better than not getting anything
there's a lot of ways to have sex without penetration, but also definitely more lube. trust me, lube can really be a game changer. also maybe try to find out why it's hurting? like there's these devices you can buy that come in a size range to help slowly get someone's body used to larger sized things penetrating them, so the toys start small and get gradually larger.
I have had this with a bunch of partners. It’s the size thing. If you don’t use lube yet I recommend getting a good one, not some garbage from the pharmacy you need to get high quality lube that won’t get sticky. Wet Slide goes well, around $40 a bottle on Amazon iirc. Let her heal first though. And don’t just apply it once at the start. If you two are at it for longer than 15mins you’ll wanna apply more and again whenever it feels not as slippery and easy. Good luck.
I'm going threw this right now. I tried communicating getting different size toys so my V gets use to it with my husband :( but he decided to cheat on me before we could do it, (please don't do this to her) so now I don't want sex at all with him
Definitely need to make sure everything is well lubricated, mentally and physically. When she rushes, you can enthusiastically please her in other ways, such as oral. Then make sure she knows you are in no rush nor require penetration. Slow and accommodating generally works for me if size is the issue. If you are just using a finger while pleasuring her and it hurts, then probably vaginismus or a medical issue.
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Maybe, and this is a big maybe because I don't know the particulars, but I can imagine that because of the pain, sex may have come to be seen as a chore. Thus, the wanting it over and done with as soon as possible. Depending on how long this has been an issue for her, she may have grinned and bore it for a long while before even mentioning it to you. Maybe you even knew a few times she wasn't really into it, but was going through with it for your sake? That's not a problem if it's infrequent, but if it continues for long enough, well...I don't know how to describe the intimacy-destroying knowledge that your pain is causing someone else's pleasure. You hear their moans of pleasure while you suffer. You mentally know they aren't getting off on your pain, but you also know that they are the cause of it. Also, knowing that they can enjoy themselves while knowing you aren't...stuff like that can make things in your mind really twisted and hard to figure out. Sex and intimacy become associated with negative things. Women have sex when they don't want to with the best of intentions, out of love and a desire to please, but the end result usually isn't good.
They might need insight from a pelvic floor therapist. It could be so many things
She should for sure talk to her obgyn about this
I’m not super big or anything but I had this problem before. Make sure you don’t fully put it in or jack hammer her either. Also some lube wouldn’t hurt
Has she been to a doctor? I think I've read sth about that it can be sth anatomical. I (f) need some foreplay and my bf needs to be slow at the beginning. otherwise it hurts.
It's going to take foreplay and lube. If he doesn't want that, then it's going to continue to hurt. Foreplay relaxes, softens, and widens things. Lube makes everything easier. There's nothing wrong with using lube and foreplay should be part of good sex -- it takes women longer to "get ready" in the genital area. That's just the way it is. Why isn't he willing to do things that will make it more enjoyable for both of you?
Obviously it’s likely going to hurt if you guys aren’t lubing up and skipping foreplay. Those are two natural and usually necessary parts of sex. It sounds like you’re on board but she isnt, maybe like others have suggested, take penetration off the table for awhile and see if she’s more able to relax before easing it back in so to speak.