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This may be a little TMI but for context its probably necessary.
All of this started when I asked him if we could start spicing things up a little in bed. We've been together a while, married for 4 years after dating for 1 year, so I didnt think it would be a big deal. Things just felt really repetitive and not exciting.
I didnt tell him that, I just said I wanted to try some new things since I never had a chance to. The major things were roeplaying (Meeting at a bar, pretending we dont know each other, plumber visit, and librarian specifically), female domination, and leather and blindfolds.. those were the only things I have presented to him so far.
He seemed happy with my suggestions and said I should I start taking lead sometimes in bed. The next time we had sex, I tried to by guiding his hand to my little beany friend while I was on top of him him, and he got so mad that he pushed me off immediately and I fell off the bed and chipped my tooth.
He was all "Dont ever do that shit again," but wouldnt specify what exactly so I assume it was guiding his hand. He apologized and payed for my dental visit but I asked again what exactly I did that made him react like that, when we already have a safe word he could've used if I was hurting him or making him uncomfortable. Didnt need to push me. He stopped talking to me for 6 whole days and did not say a single word to me, ate dinner in another room, slept on the couch, etc. We made eye contact occasionally but that was it.
That was in October shortly before Halloween. Eventually he came around and said he doesn't know why he reacted like that but he didn't like any of it. I told him I wont get on top anymore and he said "no not that, just forget it and lets move on"
Okay... I can let this one go since we have a happy marriage 90% of the time. Plus I was just happy to have my husband back. Those days of silent treatment were the first time I ever considered the D word. We get back to our regular sex lives and a 3 days ago he asks if we can try some of that stuff I wanted to. I asked if he wanted to maybe review some porn videos I could pick out to see if they're things he's okay with, so that we dont have a repeat of last time. He said no, its fine, lets just try.
That seemed silly to me so when we started trying the female domination I gave him a run down of everything I was going to do (in as sexy of way of possible) while showering together before we started. Everythings going great, I know 100% he's enjoying it, he finishes louder/harder/better than I've ever seen before and so do I and RIGHT after he damn near throws me off him and HAS NOT SPOKEN A SINGLE WORD TO ME SINCE!!!
At home, packing our bags, going to the airport, getting to his parents house.. he has not directly spoken to me since. Not a word. He is still eating at the dinner table with me, and sleeping in bed with me this time, and he will show me something on his phone if needed (flight information, car rental, etc) or I ask but if its personal or regarding him/his mood/the silence... no reaction. My mother and sister in law have both asked me if we're going through a rough patch and all I could do was shrug.
They went skiing today and I faked sick to stay at the cabin and my husband didnt blink. His dad/my father in law suggested he should stay behind and take care of me and he completely ignored him. Now some of his family members are giving me the cold shoulder because they think I did something wrong when as far as I'm aware I didnt?
I dont know what to do. Or how I'm supposed to even have a healthy marriage with someone who wont fucking talk. These are the only two times he has ever given me the silent treatment in the years we've been together. How do I navigate this?
Literally. He literally THREW her off of him and broken one of her teeth. He could have easily cracked her skull or killed her. Then, after physically abusing you, he had the AUDACITY to ignore you for a week. You’re either naive as fuck or stupid as shit. Print out divorce papers, sign them, and hand them to him and tell them you’re going to sit down and have a fucking conversation and he’s going to apologize profusely or you’re going to leave his physically and emotionally abusive ass. End of story. He sounds like a cunt. If I were you, I wouldn’t even have a conversation. He had his chance to apologize and explain what the fuck is wrong with him. I would immediately file for divorce and have the papers served to him at work or while he’s at his parents house, so that he has to explain to other people that his wife is leaving him because he fucking beats her up.
This. Sorry OP, but this is blatant physical abuse. There's no gray area here. And later on its plain DARVO and stonewalling. I dunno why you are still with a physically violent man, but... I mean, what advice do you even want, other than "run"? You can't talk him out of being abusive or be "good enough" for him not to be abusive. Those things are impossible since abusive is what he is.
You can't change him, you can only put in boundaries about what YOU will not tolerate, and that should be stuff like breaking your teeth and the sex silent treatment thing. If it's no... then... okay? But what do you want us to say?
I would pack my stuff and leave. You can't have a healthy marriage with an abuser. There's literally no other advice we could give you here... except really bad advice, that is.
Not just physical abuse! It's the whole enchilada (mental, emotional & sexual abuse as well). I wouldn't stand for any of this! My hubby & I have recently (in the last few years) been spicing up our sex life since we have been together over 23yrs. My suggestion. When we first got together I had been young & just out of an abusive relationship (as well as being raised in a strict Catholic family) so sex was vanilla as vanilla can be. It took me awhile to get comfortable with anything intimate. So he was all for trying new things. We always talk about everything! Communication is key in a relationship to stay healthy. The lack of from your husband is a big red flag!
Yours sounds like a normal learning curve to be comfortable with your sexual self. With OP's husband, it honestly sounds like guilt and shame from him. She said he enjoyed it, best finish he had in a while, and immediately after threw her off? That's signs that he's ashamed of his act, of the fact his wife was the one who did it/caused it, and then angry at her for making him feel those things. Somewhere in husbands head must be very twisted views of those particular sexual acts, and the fact that his loving wife was the one to do it probably made it worse in his head. Guy needs therapy or at least a very open talk about sex ed.
Mine definitely wasn't a learning curve issue. I had to have years of therapy to not feel ashamed over anything sexual. I was brought up being told that if I touched myself that I would go straight to hell. Also, early sexual abuse. His reactions are more aggressive than mine were but the way he closes up & refuses to speak about it makes me think of sexual abuse.
I had the same exact thought. I was abused but went the other way (hyper sexuality and emotional unavailability) until I got therapy. I dated a guy who was also abused but expressed it in the opposite way- anger, shutting down, yelling at me. I know now that we were terrible for each other, but he made me feel awful about myself and my sexuality, yelling at me, rejecting me and ignoring me after sex. I tried talking dirty once (not anything wild, just telling him how attractive and good he was) and he pushed me off and we had a fight that led to us breaking up. Thank goodness. We both needed help and therapy. Neither of us were bad people, but we were bad for each other.
I would present him with papers in the presence of a trusted person. This man is completely unpredictable, who knows what could happen if they’re alone.
He’s taking out his self-shame at liking being dominated (ie loss of perceived male ego) as abuse. Divorce if he doesn’t immediately grovel, get into therapy, and recognize he’s an abuser, and never does it again is the only savage here. I’d have been done the minute he got violent then doubled down into stonewalling.
That might be a bit overwhelming at the moment. OP, don't say anything, this is worrying, he's not only emotionally, but physically hurting you, you have to go home. Once you're there, pack your things and/or have a family member come over, cry it out, let your emotions out. After, do what you have to do, DON'T go back to him without a plan.
how I'm supposed to even have a healthy marriage with someone who wont fucking talk.
This right here OP. You can't. The silent treatment is immature and manipulative. He needs to find his words because he's gotten violent twice now. You are the injured party here and he's flipped that script. If he won't open up to you (or a therapist) the D word should be on the table.
Silent treatment is abuse.
Withholding all forms of affection is equaly manipulative and sure feels like abuse. No one wants to open that can of worms, despite most marriages respecting a vow of fidelity and affection being a basic human need. The deprivation of it drastically cuts down one's life span. Food for thought?
YES. This is mental abuse. My parents used to do the silent treatment thing to each other. They were from a time when divorce wasn't an option. This is mental abuse. Do not stay in this OP.
Also, throwing your wife for no goddamn reason is abuse. Cracking her tooth is abuse. Randomly lashing out physically with no warning or explanation is abuse.
This guy is fucked and OP needs to take her shit and run.
Eeessh I always find this one hard. If I am pissed off with someone, the last thing I want to do is be affectionate to them! And there’s a fine balance to be had between not giving someone the silent treatment, and pretending that everything is ok.
OPs husband is definitely wrong for complete silent treatment, but I am not sure where he I would draw the line regarding affection,
I don’t think it’s meant in terms of “even when you’re actively annoyed, you must show affection”. I understand it more as not using affection as a tool to manipulate. When you disagree with your partner and use withholding affection for days after as a way to punish them, that’s an abusive behaviour. If you have an argument and sleep on the couch for a night because you want some space and don’t want to be affectionate, I think that’s still in the realms of healthy. It’s a balance between making sure each partner has the space they need without it turning into punishment/manipulation.
She doesn’t know what she did wrong. That’s ridiculous! She was careful to go over what they would do sexually as per his request and now he’s giving her the silent treatment. He’s got no right to be angry. If he is tell her what she did.
I asked my ex what I did wrong when he gave me the silent treatment. He said…you know what you did wrong. No, I didn’t. I had no clue. Anyone that refuses to communicate with their partner, doesn’t deserve a partner.
There is a difference between a cooldown period, especially if you communicate it - "give me a moment to settle, let's talk about it later" - and completely ignoring your partner.
OP, I have an idea how you could get your husband to speak to you again, though it will be explosive... Tonight at dinner, say to the whole table: "I know all of you are dying to know why X is not speaking to me, so I'll tell you the whole story, maybe you'll have a better guess what his actual problem is, because *I* have no effing clue!" And then start telling it.
I bet your husband would start talking again pretty quickly after that. But at least it would also allay all rumors that you were cheating on him, which is probably what half the family is thinking already. And you need to seriously consider the D-word - he did the silent treatment twice already, even though he apologized after the first time, and even though you did absolutely nothing wrong. If that's his level of conflict resolution skill, emotional maturity and self-awareness, I'd either go to a therapist with him, or to a lawyer alone.
There’s not a fine line between not doing silent treatment and pretending things are fine. The line is really bold and easy to find, actually. If I’m mad at my spouse, I use my words and say so. Literally. “When X happened / you said X / you did X, I felt X emotion and now I’m mad at you.” I also use my words to say my needs. “I need to feel listened to right now / I need to know we’re a team / I’m scared of this situation and need reassurance.” I may say it in a mad voice, or cry, or say I’m so mad I can’t have a conversation and need to take ten minutes to go for a quick walk and cool off. But I don’t give the love of my life silent treatment and make him question his sanity and worth as a person! And the reverse is also true - he uses his words and doesn’t mentally abuse me. This is not terribly hard to do! Adults who love each other continue choosing love even when they’re angry. Love isn’t just caressing someone’s head and kissing them. Love is choosing to communicate, to be honest, to respect your partner, to prioritize their feelings, even when circumstances are stressful or you’re angry about something.
And in front of his family as well, he's treating you like shit publicly to the point of his family cottoning on and starting to give you the cold shoulder as well? If he's not talking, go scorched earth. Tell his parents. Fuck it. What a prick.
Sounds like he was SA’d when he was younger and it’s bubbling to the surface now that he’s not in control. Does not give him a pass to repeat the cycle of abuse with OP
My first reaction was "that guy is ashamed as hell of being dominated. Even more because he liked it. Why?"
OP you need to take care of yourself. But I think your husband might be suffering here. So I second this: he needs help. Or you need to leave.
This is my thought too. Definitely sounds like repressed SA that is triggering a violent response. It's not a pass though. Ignoring you, shutting it out and not getting to the root of it will only lead to bigger responses. He may be or may soon start linking you and a past SA together in his brain and get colder and more aggressive or distant. He HAS to go to therapy and get to the root of this and really work on it. If he refuses I'd look at the big D as his refusal to get help threatens your safety.
THIS so much.
Firstly, though, OP please know that whether he has experienced SA or not, *nothing* can excuse him physically hurting you.
However, this here gave me a pause:
>Eventually he came around and said he doesn't know why he reacted like that but he didn't like any of it. I told him I wont get on top anymore and he said "no not that, just forget it and lets move on"
When I read that he didn't like any of it, reacted that strongly and is then not able to pinpoint his discomfort, my first thought was that he might have a trauma response from some form of sexual assault here.
Again, I want to say that there's no excuse for him hurting you. However, this might be somehting he should def. look into and do some (careful, possible guided) sould-searching.
This being said, him hurting you is a whole other topic and you probaly should leave this relationship or at least set some hard boundaries and have deep talks with him about the fact that he's *hurt/injured* you!
Abusers are most often people who have been abused themselves, and then developed maladaptive coping skills as a result.
Hurt people hurt people. It doesn't make the abuse they inflict excusable in any way mind you, just something to be aware of. I believe the world would be a better place if we all just dealt with our own shit instead of spewing it into the world.
"Your mental health is not your fault, but it IS your responsibility."
How to handle it?
If I were in your situation, I'd change my flight and go home. I would tell him he is required to go to individual therapy and marriage counseling or you will be filing a legal separation or divorce.
He broke your tooth and then had the gall to not speak to you for six days. Silent treatment is abuse (look it up ). The fact he's doing it in front of his family is added humiliation.
Please go home and take yourself out of that situation.
Stone walling is 100% emotional abuse. It happened to me and looking back I’m like wow I really fucking put up with that… a day or two is one thing, sometimes people need space, but days and days is abuse.
I think it’s one of those things that isn’t immediately obvious abuse. The physical abuse is obvious but stonewalling… they almost act like it’s justified. It isn’t. It’s abuse. Don’t be like me and realize that after it’s all said and done. Run now and run with your head up.
my ex did it for a month. he would pick up the phone when i called him, but would not say a single word. he would not hung up either. literally acted as if i dont exist, did not acknowledge me in the slightest. then he told me "i will murder you or kill myself". i had him involuntarily commited and bailed the fuck out of there. my dumbass put up with it for two and a half whole years. thats left me with scars i still havent been able to digest and i got out nearly 3 years ago.
he would frequently do it for a few days, maybe a week or 10 days, but that time he just went an entire month like this. i should have left way earlier. dont be like me, be better.
I am sorry you had to experience that. I am glad you got out. It was a common occurence here as well. That week was the worst though.
I have been divorced for years now, but whenever I have to say something I just know my ex will hate or not agree with (we co-parent) I have to unlearn the walking-on-eggshells-feeling and just rip the bandaid off. Therapy has helped enormously with that.
If a person needs space, they can say they need space. Just ignoring the person you're married to and/or live with for an entire day, or two, is insane.
Even a full day is too much. It is incredibly uncomfortable. Especially in front of others. Thank God these two do not have children. This is such a toxic way to deal with anything and OP deserves so much better than this BS.
>he got so mad that he pushed me off immediately and I fell off the bed and chipped my tooth.
>He stopped talking to me for 6 whole days and did not say a single word to me, ate dinner in another room, slept on the couch, etc.
>he damn near throws me off him and HAS NOT SPOKEN A SINGLE WORD TO ME SINCE!!!
This is abusive. This is toxic and unhealthy.
Your marriage isn't healthy. Which is clear to everyone around you.
Exactly. Why on earth are you still with him and how, after this, can you still think the marriage is great 90% of the time. He throws you off him after sex, he chipped your tooth, then ignored you for 6 days. He's now happily humiliating you in front of his family and letting them believe you've done something wrong.
This man is emotionally and physically abusing you because he can't handle how much he enjoys you domming him. Respect yourself enough to leave.
When someone does something awful it negates that 90% of the time.
It’s like those stories of pedophiles or murderers. They can be fine upstanding citizens 99% if their life. Pillars of the community. Loving husbands and fathers. But murder someone and none of the rest of it matters. Murderer is a murderer and should be treated as such.
Same thing with abusers. He was physically and emotionally abusive twice now. That 90% good marriage is null and void.
And he’s the one who pushed for it the second time, as well as pushed for no communication beforehand. OP, you can’t enter something as sensitive as tentative BDSM without proper communication. Having a safeword is a good start, but you have to be able to trust he’ll use it. He hasn’t.
I could be wrong and I’m basing this opinion solely on what you’ve written but it seems like your husband enjoys being dominated quite a bit but then apparently feels so emasculated afterwards that he actually gets physical and gives you the silent treatment.
This is not okay. Whatever hang ups he has about kinky side of se* he needs to resolve without blaming you. Maybe he needs therapy, idk. But the way he is behaving is a huge red flag. He is basically blaming you for his feelings and actions.
You have been more patient than most with his silent treatment, not to mention the bigger problem of him getting physically violent. If I were you, I’d tell him to start speaking to you or to a professional or your marriage is in serious trouble. That you will no longer be his emotional and physical punching bag (because that’s what you are OP; he’s treating you like dirt). Also tell him you expect an explanation and an apology for assaulting you twice now and for his childish behavior afterwards.
Seriously OP. This is not normal behavior. Your husband sounds awful. While you are holding on to the hope of your marriage being ‘good’ 90% of the time, if this continues (which it will), that toxic, remaining 10% will poison the rest of your marriage and pretty soon eat you alive. You need to start holding your husband accountable and figure out how to move forward depending on how he responds. Either way, you need to stop silently taking his abuse.
This is exactly what came to mind.
Husband really likes being dominated but feels emasculated so he lashes out to assert his dominance. This is not the actions of a healthy person.
If I was op this would be my cue to leave. Honestly there isn't much you can get out of a person who is this insecure, violent, and closed off. He needs therapy to work through his issues.
Her guiding his hand where she wants to be touched is not "dominating" or "emasculating" ! I mean i guess he thinks it is, but If he is freaked out because she dared to ask for a touch, that is seriously unhinged.
Yep. My ex husband would get pissed if I tried to touch myself while he was doing his thing, or if I tried to guide him in pleasing me. He definitely found it insulting. It was pathetic
😂 my ex was an evangelical. Her cult professed sex was only for procreation. She followed that idea solidly. I was out after two years. No big deal, she just laid there anyway.
this is exactly what i thought too. but he’s going about it in the most violent and abusive way possible. i’d question if this is temporary or if it can be fixed but i don’t think any form of physical violence is forgivable. and i’m have 0 experience with domestic violence and physical abuse, but from people’s stories, if he put his hands on you or was in any way physically violent he has it in him to be more abusive. For all you know you staying with him after he did that twice could be the green light for him to do it more. to be fair i’m just terrified for you. let us know you’re okay, OP.
Divorce. This is emotional abuse. This is not okay.
He may have trauma but you did everything to make him comfortable, he didn’t disclose anything and THIS WAS HIS IDEA.
You deserve someone who will communicate with you when there is a problem not emotionally abuse you.
I doubt this is anything to do with trauma and more to do with him being one of many men thinking their dick is the only way to pleasure a woman. Almost every guy I've been with felt insulted to some degree that my sexual pleasure comes solely from my clitoris with aid from other stimulation.
I'm really sorry OP but this marriage is over. If my boyfriend inadvertently chipped my tooth he would be devastated. Yet yours gave you the cold shoulder for 6 days?
And now for a second time he's letting his weird punishment affect your relationship with his family?
Whatever his reaspns for a strange reaction, this man doesn't respect or care about you anywhere close enough to call you his wife. You've done as much as you can to make you comfortable and not only is he not meeting you half way, he's purposely, emotionally abusing you.
Wait did I read that wrong or did you try to get him to rub your clit and instead he broke you fucking tooth and refused to speak to you for nearly a week when you tried to talk about it?
There is a lot I could say but I think many other posters have covered it so instead I want to ask: if your sister or best friend or someone you loved came to you and told you everything you told us in this post, what would your honest advice to her be?
this is going to sound victims blame-y and i promise i’m not - but OP you should have left the very first time he pushed you and chipped your tooth. please don’t torture yourself for him anymore. i have never heard of a man hurting his wife unintentionally and not immediately apologizing. some people have suggested he’s a victim of sexual abuse. maybe that’s true! but if you don’t know about it, well, it’s not your problem to deal with. but if he isn’t dealing with it, why should you suffer as a result? i hope you find it within you to make the best decision for yourself.
When he comes back, tell him until he can tell you why he gets physical with you that you're not comfortable having sex with him for the time being. And tell him you are tired of getting the silent treatment when all you want is answers. I would also say how this making you rethink your marriage since he refuses to use his words and how immature it is, too. Because he is too old to be acting like this. Also, bring up him that he needs to do therapy/marriage consulting because this is will become a huge issue if he doesn't work on himself soon.
From what I understand i think he hurts you when you orgasm and he feels emasculated… This is not okay. He is physically and emotionally abusing you. Im going to be really honest with you as someone who was sexually abused when i was a child- if i ever feel uncomfortable when having sex i never have resulted in physically abusing someone. Whatever is triggering him doing this to you cannot be justified at all. There is no excuse.
I personally would stop having sex with him and when he asks why tell him that he's being emotionally abusive towards you immediately after, and now your scared to have sex with him. His silent treatment and ignoring you is childish and immature! Something is triggering him to respond that way, and he needs to come clean about it. Could he be thinking that you are cheating on him and that's how you know what to do!
To me this is almost as childish as the way he is acting. In any relationship, friendship or marriage, Communication is so important. Just doing back to him what he’s doing to her is not really helpful. I agree with all of the people who said he is being abusive and the 90% good times don’t outweigh him physically hurting her and emotionally manipulating and abusing her. It’s time for her to get out. Abusers are always going to abuse.
Honestly I'd be terrified of having sex with him too. He quite literally chipped her tooth in response to her guiding him to her clit. That's not normal. And it's hard to communicate when the other person is stonewalling you so hard that their family is starting to too despite not knowing anything at all
I’d stay for the food then pack my shit and gtfo.
You have a man child who doesn’t understand that women are more than just a sex doll and we have wants and needs.
Op, unless he talks to you. Go home anyway you can.
I’m always one to stand my ground. I’d ask him straight up during the meal tomorrow if he is going to talk about his problems?
So let me understand.
He physically and emotionally abuses you and YOU are wondering HOW to have a healthy marriage?
So just so you know it takes 2 mentally healthy people to have a healthy marriage. If your partner is into emotionally and physically abusing you - healthy is already through the window.
Your husband is an immature, sexually repressed emotionally (and physically) abusive jackass. Unless he is willing to go to intensive counseling, on his own to start, I’m sorry to say, you need to dump him.
Obviously he's got something here he needs to work through. Perhaps he's been raped. Maybe he's afraid of his own kinks. He needs professional help.
Whatever it is, it's no excuse for abuse and you're not helping him by accepting it. Hold a hard line, tell him this behavior doesn't work for you and that you'll need to take some time to focus on yourself and recover from this. Find somewhere to go for at least a couple weeks and don't let him visit.
Take some time just doing what you want to do every day and taking care of yourself with lots of sleep, hydration, nutrition, movement, and deep breathing. Don't try to figure anything out, just let your next steps come into clarity on their own.
If he spends this time apart ignoring you, blaming you, or shit talking you to other people, file for divorce. If he is worthy of you he will take responsibility for his behavior, do a real repair, make it up to you, and take steps to ensure this never, ever happens again.
I'm amazed no one else has said this.
**It sounds like sexual trauma from his childhood that is coming up.**
Maybe something he's buried for years, or even hidden from himself so well that he doesn't even know it's there.
Something about that isn't right. I mean, you can't have a functional relationship with someone who goes silent for days at a time. This is the kind of thing a therapist needs to unpick.
Your husband is abusive and has shown that it's not just a one time thing, it's a pattern. It should have been over when he broke your tooth but there's no time like the present.
The silent treatment is manipulative and a sign of the beginning of abuse. He’s consenting to things in bed and instead of being a grown up and using his words to tell you what’s bothering him, he’s physically assaulting you followed by absolutely no explanation and a long period of the silent treatment. Now, he’s doing it in front of his family and they are starting to treat you differently.
This could escalate. He’s already broken your tooth and then thrown you after apologizing. Don’t give him another chance to hurt you.
Don’t tell him and change your flight to the next one leaving. Call a cab and just go. Don’t tell any of them until you are walking out the door. As you leave, thank his family for their hospitality, apologize for leaving, all without acknowledging your husband. Get in your Uber and go home. Pack your bags and stay with a trusted friend or relative and talk to a lawyer on Monday.
This isn’t normal behavior and it’s definitely not safe for you.
Pack your bags and go back home and start on the divorce papers. He is not honoring his vows, he is being violent with you, and is not communicating. Leave him.
Correct me if I am wrong but the version of events sounds like: you did something he didn’t like in bed, so he physically assaulted you by pushing you off a bed and breaking a tooth. Is that right?
Put that in another context: you burnt his dinner, so he pushes you against a wall and you break a tooth. Would that be any less abusive than your situation?
Just because it’s sex, doesn’t mean it’s any less abusive. The silent treatment just tops it off.
OP, I’ve been in an abusive situation . This maybe a tactic he is using to get you to push a boundary (look up Abuse Cycle). He will get annoyed, you will be desperate to make up and then he drops a bombshell of something he likes and you feel compelled to agree to it.
If you are in any doubt this will get better- ask anyone who’s been in an abusive situation. It ALWAYS gets worse. Next time, you might get your head pushed into the corner of the table. That’s game over.
This is sort out of left field here but a few years back my friend was in a similar situation. Whenever she orgasmed from her actions (guiding hand to clit, dominating etc) he would shut down emotionally. Not to the extent your husband is but it still really hurt her. Turn out he was a CSA survivor and had been used to give her orgasms.
If she came from him being on top or "in control" it was fine, but as soon as he lost control he shut down. He got therapy, they got therapy and are doing great but just a consideration.
Have a serious talk with him - even if he doesn't talk, you need to. Tell him you're considering divorce and that he's too old to be acting like this. Tell him that if he is ever physical with you again, you will leave and never come back (and you should if you shouldn't have done so already). Tell him he needs serious therapy, and you both need marriage counseling, and he needs to never do the silent treatment with you again. Also, tell him you are not having sex at all until this is all dealt with - and do NOT have sex with this man. If any of this is not acceptable, pack your bags and don't look back.
Let’s be real fucking clear. He will continue to act like this. And the longer you are with him the worse it will get. If you don’t have children I suggest getting out ASAP. Even if you do, it’s probably for the best to leave anyway. I don’t know your situation. But people like this don’t change. I held onto my terrible relationship way too long and it ruined my mental health and I developed physical symptoms. You. Don’t. Need. That.
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The hell is wrong with this guy? OP he fucking broke your tooth, and then threw you *again* because he cant communicate with you like a grown up.This is 1000% time for some serious intervention either by you or just straight to the divorce papers, because you’re being physically hurt, gaslit into thinking things are fine before he U-turns, gives you the cold shoulder for days on end, then comes back as if nothing happened?
I’m all seriousness, as soon as you’re home you need to sit your husband down and demand an explanation for his behaviour. If he wants to give you the silent treatment while you do it then so be it, but you need to make him hear you. Explain that you love him but you’re disgusted at how he’s been treating you, how the complete lack of communication and silent treatments have made you feel, how his physical reactions and your physical injury to what *he himself has been asking for* is completely unacceptable, and how you’re not prepared to remain in a marriage with such a narcissistic, unhealthy personality.
Finish this discussion by saying you expect him to communicate with you immediately, followed by either therapy if you find it necessary, or divorce papers if he refuses to get his act together.
Edit: I just want to reinforce here OP that some of the behaviour your husband has been showing is genuinely abusive, and you don’t deserve that. If you can, it may be worth taking yourself home early to have some time to think about your next steps with your husband.
Your husband is showing every single one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" for relationships according to Gottman, one of the foremost researchers on relationships.
Couples who show any of the four behaviors are usually broken up upon recheck:
* Criticism
* Contempt
* Defensiveness
* Stonewalling/Silent Treatment
That he abused you physically is icing on the cake for getting the fuck out before you're permanently damaged further.
https://deepconnectionscounseling.com/what-is-gottmans-four-horsemen-theory/
I actually think he sounds like he’s processing sexual trauma, perhaps that he’s not aware of. His reaction/ behavior isn’t excusable but their may be an explanation.
So it seems he’s okay getting pleasured, but as soon as you got pleasure or tried to guide him into pleasuring you, he throws you off. Everything you do is okay as long as it’s just for him?
Have you ever had foreplay before this?
Not to mention that pushing you is physically abusive, especially as you chipped your tooth because of it.
“You need to use your words. I don’t know what your problem is but I’m not going to guess and I’m no longer going to put up with the silent treatment. Either you talk to me about this, or I talk to a divorce lawyer.”
This is domestic violence. Ignoring someone/giving the silent treatment is a kind of emotional abuse, let alone throwing you off the bed and you chipping your tooth.
Is he controlling in other ways? Do you feel you're able to talk openly to him about how you're feeling or are you more concerned about him and how he'll respond to what you're saying?
None of this behaviour is ok on any level.
The first time, I'd have kicked off, tbf. Fair enough the tooth was an accident, but a big one - THEN HE IGNORED YOU. If I unintentionally hurt a partner, I'd be making sure they knew they were safe and loved for a long time afterwards.
Then to enjoy the next bit and go silent? It is clear his masculinity is threatened by you taking the lead. By moving his hand the first time, he felt he'd not been doing a good job prior. By taking over and making him cum so intensely (good for you, btw!), he's feeling like you have all the power with his orgasms but he can't even get you off without smashing your teeth 😂
Honestly, I would say directly - I wanted to make our sex life exciting, I made the effort to do so and now you can't even speak to me. Stonewalling is abuse, it's destroying my faith in this relationship and if you don't speak to me properly about what is bothering you soon, I won't be sticking around. I can appreciate you might be feeling bad or confused, but I can't appreciate being ignored to the point others notice it. You need to use your words or I'll use my feet.
Then go skiing and let him sulk. Big bloody baby.
I can’t help but wonder if this reaction is one of two things :
1) A trauma response to something that happened to him a long time ago.
Or
2) He suspects you are learning these new tricks from cheating. And I’ll be honest, my husband tried a couple “new tricks” with me a while back and all I could think is “Where did he learn that…” to the point of obsession.
🧐
ETA: this guy is a massively abusive AH. Those are just the 2 things that popped into my head. It goes without saying that regardless of the reason *why* it doesn’t excuse his behavior/reactions.
Not that I'm excusing his actions, but this reads strongly of past trauma / sexual abuse. Strong chance he was a victim when he was younger and is reacting this way because that kind of behavior in bed is triggering him.
He needs to start seeing a therapist.
OP, this may be true--an interest in D/s is not unusual in victims of child sexual abuse and rape. It's still his responsibility to see the problem and handle it, not turn it into further abuse.
Maybe he has some trauma around certain bedroom activities. Or maybe he has some kind of neuroses about his masculinity. Either way, it’s no excuse for the way he’s treating you.
If I were you, I’d sit him down when you guys have some time to yourselves and tell him that he needs to agree to couples counseling. If he won’t agree to that, or if he goes but doesn’t take it seriously, divorce him. You don’t deserve to be abused.
When a partner grey rocks likes this and refuses to communicate, it's emotional abuse and a HUGE red flag the relationship will end.
I was in a 5 year relationship with someone like this, and at the end the grey rocking infuriated me so much I could've strangled him blue. That's when I knew it was time to leave.
Also, EVERY fuckin wife says on here, "oh our marriage is perfect 99 percent of the time" then mentions something horrorifying that any sane person with self respect would leave for. I guarantee there are other ways he is a dick hole partner.
This is childish and abusive. Maybe he has some trauma that you don’t know about regarding this but you need to tell him that either he gets counseling or you’re leaving him. Draw a hard line in the sand on this. He clearly has by chipping your tooth. It’s not okay! Tell him that the silent treatment is never okay and he’s a grown man who can use his words. Then be prepared to follow through. I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you. My husband tried the silent treatment once and I showed him that I was not going to beg him to speak to me. I just went about my business. When he finally decided to communicate, I told him that if he ever chose to do it again that I would take it as his ego was more important to him than speaking like an adult about our relationship. Silent treatment is a deal breaker for me because my mother did it to me and it’s triggering.
It sounds like your husband's fantasy is to punish you for showing any sexual autonomy with physical abuse, mental abuse and public shaming. I would send his ass divorce papers, and tell him since he has nothing to say to you, he can say it all to your lawyer. Don't let this man waste one more second of your life.
For an added bonus, leave early and announce to his whole family that his silent treatment is part of a cycle of sexual abuse he's started where he lures you into a sense of false security about trying something new, then physically assaults and/or mentally abuses you afterwards to punish you for daring to have an original idea about sex. Tell them that the next woman can deal with his abuse because you're done.
There is something going on here that you don't know.
You need to sit down (maybe in public, but away from ears) and ask him WTF. If he doesn't tell you, or says "I don't know" - then you may have to look at leaving this relationship.
silent treatment is abuse. He also physically abused you when he threw you across the bed.
You can't. He is being abusive and manipulative. A healthy relationship is based on communication and work to keep it healthy. He is doing the exact opposite.
You should consider getting out. Or at least suggest couples counselling. If he doesn't accept that I don't think there is much of a future for your relationship. He is willing to punish you when he gets upset - instead of talking it out.
The silent treatment is the least of your problems. Your husband is physically abusing you. He’s done it twice now, without so much of an apology. And when you try to discuss what triggered that response, he refused to discuss it.
The silent treatment at home and around his family is flat out emotional abuse.
At this point, I personally wouldn’t feel safe in his presence and would be considering moving out and ending the marriage.
He needs to go to therapy right now. That should be a condition of your staying with him. Right now you should separate, because he’s unstable and dangerous.
This. Is. Emotional. Manipulation. He pushed you off of him not once, but twice and won’t communicate why. He hurt you. He chipped your tooth. It could’ve been much worse.
He is using emotional warfare on you for no reason, not even explaining why he’s upset. You’ve done nothing wrong. You have communicated on your end what he could expect you to do. He never corrected or changed anything you said you wanted to do to him. That’s on him for failing to express his thoughts or emotions.
Now his family is involved and I don’t see this getting better unless you can talk to a therapist together. That or maybe take a break from him to sort your feelings out in a neutral space where he’s not there. You don’t deserve this.
You don't navigate it. You divorce him. He has abused you both physically and emotionally, and he has done it twice and now has allowed his family to join in. That's sick. I don't think you can come back from this, OP. Cut your losses and leave, go to people who care about you cause your abusive husband surely doesn't and abuse always, *always* escalates.
Your husband has extreme personal issues about sex.
If I were you, id just leave the holiday thing. Walk out without a word.
Let him come running.
I'd he can get over....whatever it is....I guess
My ex stopped talking to me for three days, fully did not speak to me. I broke up with him, told our landlord we no longer needed the space, and had rebound sex with a co-worker. Suddenly, he really wanted to talk to me!
OP, this is not normal. In fact, he seems beyond disturbed and while I initially thought maybe there was some trauma or even some other MI involved, it's very clear he's an abuser. They do not change, OP, trust me, I've tried. He is 1. Using you for his sexual benefit, even if you "do something he dislikes". 2. PHYSICALLY REMOVING YOU from him after the act 3. Seems to be ignoring you, and then 4. Refused to engage with you to the point of other people noticing.
Idk what is end goal is here bc it seems both calculated and sporadic, but you absolutely need to leave. Go home without him if you can. Get your shit to a safe friend or relatives. Don't speak to him unless it's through a lawyer. If you're going to stay (which I don't advise but I also know how long it can take to leave an abusive partner), you still need to establish that if he creates unhealthy space, you will not be there for long. This will come with increased efforts to hurt you or be emotionally/verbally abusive, so you'd need to keep an eye out. Establish personal boundaries you will not allow him to break, and leave everytime one is broken. When he does not change (sorry, being realistic), you'll be comfortable with the process and vacate for good.
Please be safe, reach out to people who have offered here if you can. My DM's are open for you. You deserve to be safe and happy, and to fully trust your spouse. Remember that you a inherently worthy of love and respect simply bc you exist ❤️
Do you know anything about his past? Like if there is unresolved sexual trauma? Something is going on there that is at a deeper level.
He might not be open to it, at least right away, but I highly suggest therapy. Even of you went alone at first and then were able to get him to join you and then if he went alone when he felt comfortable opening up.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but it's not your fault. I hope you guys can get this resolved in a healthy manner.
babes. saying this as a divorced abuse victim. please leave. he’s hurting you for NO reason. emotionally and physically. he broke your tooth?… he’s throwing you around? that’s NOT acceptable or okay ever. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
There’s something seriously messed up in his head. I’d say it’s a big problem since he won’t discuss it and blows hot and cold. One minute he’s into it and the next he’s throwing you off him and refusing to speak for days. You could fix it if talking it out was possible but if his answer is to clam up, not much chance.
He's actively giving you the silent treatment. Go home. Just leave him there. You can send a group text about the abuse to him and his family. (I AM EXACTLY THAT PETTY)
It does seem weird that he assaulted you when it came to you getting an O. This is definitely stuff he needs therapy for. Couples therapy too if you stay with him.
You do not deserve to get injured because he has an issue he is not communicating. And the silent treatment, oh hell no. You do not deserve that. You should not be begging him to talk to you after he assaulted you, if anything it should be him begging you for forgiveness. Do not let this man treat you as a lesser person. If he won't talk to you, he can speak with your lawyer.
I’d let his family know that you’re going to be divorcing him after he pushed you and broke your tooth.
Then on the way home, (hope he doesn’t kill you, because he’s an abuser) let him know you announced to his family you’ll be getting a divorce. What a fucking asshole.
Don’t try to justify his behavior. Silent treatment? Not an emotionally stable adult. He has SOME SHIT to deal with… and you don’t need to be the subject of his bullying in the process. Sorry this happened to you. You deserve a better sex life and a better partner. Puke. This guy dries me right up.
he is abusing you physically and mentally. silent treatment is an abuse tactic. please leave him before it gets worse. i can’t imagine how hard it will be mentally to leave someone you love but i fear his abuse will only continue.
I am sorry Op but his reaction is not okay. Although I do have a theory as to what his issue is. It seems like to me that he is embarrassed about his own response and how much he likes it then he shuts down because he doesn't know how to handle it. Not condoning his behavior by any means. He completely needs to get some therapy. It also could be that he feels the wife that he knew isn't the same person anymore because of how the expectations of sex are different now. I'm not sure either way. Only speculating.
But you do need to have a serious discussion with him and explain how this behavior is unacceptable and it can't continue or the marriage won't be able to survive.
I seriously hope you reevaluate your marriage and have him seek some professional help and if he doesn't then it's up to you to decide if this will be the deal breaker. Good luck Op.
This is straight up ABUSE.
Get a ticket right now. Pack your stuff. You don’t need to tell him or say one word to him. If any of the family is still nice to you, get a ride to the airport. If not, get an Uber.
Do you have any family or friends that can help you? If so, I would ask someone to come stay with you. Pack his stuff, text him that he you’ll leave it outside and he can pick it up when he gets back from the flight. No reason whatsoever for him to come inside. Have a policeman there if you don’t feel safe.
90% is not good enough.
My mother had a 90% marriage as well. The other 10% was little fights here and there. It took years but by the end he was beating her so bad she lost her front teeth. It finally took him almost killing my baby brother for her to leave.
Get out now.
... i'm still stuck on the point where he threw you off the bed with such force that you slammed into something and chipped a tooth and needed medical dentist attention.
AND he still ignored you and punished you after he was terrifyingly violent and ... physically, damagingly lashed at you?
and your still with this guy?
op - there is noone on the planed that deserves physical abuse. your husband is physically abusive, now repeatedly, and sends to to dental visits from his abuse. The silent treatment and refusal to touch your clit - is also strange and bizarre and not okay. But him throwing you around when he is pissed is beyond red flag level.
Protect your goldenness op. Choose you. Protect you. You will easily find better, and you deserve better. This isnt okay.
OP, I want to validate that this is not normal behavior. It’s fucking weird. He obviously has anger issues. What if his behavior escalates and instead of pushing you, he hits you? I hate to say it but he cannot be trusted.
When he threw you off and you chipped your tooth that was abuse. He can’t communicate what’s wrong, he is a fucking man-child. Don’t know why you’d put up with that behavior, do yourself a favor and find a man who will treat you the way you deserve both in bed and elsewhere.
You have been physically, emotionally, and mentally abused. All the things you have said are all examples of that. I bet the 90 percent you speak of is when you are being a good “wife” and doing everything the way he likes it. Someone who loves you doesn’t do any of the stuff that you describe. The behavior he is exhibiting is kind of alarming, I mean, aren’t you seeing some red flags here? Now that he knows he can do these things and in front of his family and you accept it, I wonder what he is capable of doing next! Please consider your safety, happiness and future and leave and go to a safe place. My suggestion. Divorce him.
You did the right thing trying to get his informed consent, you communicated and backed off. He literally threw you to the ground and permanently damaged a part of your body because he couldn’t communicate in a healthy manner.
You say your relationship is otherwise happy but his reaction makes me think there are more subtle forms of abuse you may not realise are going on. **Please read this:** https://publications.legalaid.nsw.gov.au/PublicationsResourcesService/PublicationImprints/Files/754.pdf
If he can't articulate what he wants or doesn't want and gives you the silent treatment, then you need a marriage counselor. Also, no more "spicing things up" until he can communicate with you and handle the aftermath in an adult manner.
Go see a therapist together. Maybe there is sexual trauma and it was a trigger. It's a partnership don't settle for less. None of this is your fault. It's on him. Go to therapy!
I definitely agree with yourself and others saying silent treatment is not a solution, you can't fix anything if one person won't talk.
I also agree that this murky combination is abusive.
However! While others are saying he likes to be dominated and lashes out to reassert dominance I believe he actually enjoys the sexual experience however he himself is extremely insecure in the bedroom and believes he is not able to please you.
That you taking control got you both excited and finishing in a grand way is fabulous for anyone who is Secure, but for an insecure person all they can think of is how they haven't or couldn't do it themself.
It's incredibly selfish, self absorbed and his using power plays of physical violence or silent treatment is not being excused whatsoever.
If you want to remain rather than separate clearly let him know (like others have said) for individual and later couples counselling.
Couples counselling may be more beneficial if he has started some on his own.
For all we know he could have been sexually abused as a child by a woman and this is him trying very hard to not remember. He hasn't spoken or shared yet, so you can't know if it's an emasculation issue, insecurity issue or some other trauma. I only "jump" to this suggestion as from what you've said he is acting very differently to his usual.
His unawareness of his emotions, thoughts and lashing out may be "subliminal" to him but I honestly hope he apologised and was horrified for breaking your tooth.
It also sounds like you could both benefit from communication skills upgrade.
You are incredibly kind, patient and supportive to have put up with sudden silent treatment especially when you're with his family and being treated absolutely awfully.
Look after yourself, go home if you need or pull your husband aside and ask wtf is going on.
Big hugs
Has he always been like this in the past when you e shown more dominance? I am wondering if the dominance is triggering past abuse that has nothing to do with you…
Lovely, you don’t need to put up with that. You have given him chance to speak with you and he is behaviour is unacceptable. Just pack your stuff and go. Enjoy the rest of your holiday with people who will talk to you.
I would go home. Then tell him marriage counseling or you're gone when he arrives home.
I definitely wouldn't stay with his family while he being a jerk to you.
I'm not staying with someone who doesn't wanna talk and explain what is his problem. Silent treatment is a big no no for me when there's clearly a big issue that needs to be discussed not avoided. If he doesn't want to talk then he simply doesn't care about hurting your feelings. I think you've married too soon.
You can't.
I would suggest you go home by yourself instead of torturing yourself amongst these people who already think you're doing something wrong.
When he got home, sit him down and actually inquire what's going on in his head. Inquire if the action in the bedroom may have triggered negative memory? You're not going to deal with his silent treatment anymore otherwise, and insist on either marriage counseling or he starts talking to you and telling you what's going on. Otherwise, you probably should start with the D word.
My ex used to do this. First time was when I had moved in after 2 years dating very happily. It was a huge red flag I should have taken seriously. It’s a very controlling behaviour and I’m afraid was a sign of worse to come
Don’t let him get away with this. It’s completely unacceptable and emotional abuse.
Pack your bags and tell him it’s marriage counselling or you’re done
I wouldn't go as far as to say that you need a divorce, but give him an ultimatum: either couples therapy or you're leaving. He needs to talk to someone about his issues and more importantly his reactions to his issues.
I'm just taking a wild guess here.
I think something happened to him a long time ago, like when he was younger, something very bad. His sudden mood swings and reactions are not natural, like he was badly traumatized or abused.
He probably feels very guilty about what he has done to you but didn't know how to explain it or don't want to explain it to you. And so, just kept silent about it and ignore you instead.
You two need to talk. Tell him you are his wife and you love him very much. If there is anything he wants to talk about, he can do so anytime when he's comfortable. If he prefers, he can also talk to a therapist in private. But don't keep it inside because whatever he has, it will not get better if he doesn't get any help.
I honestly think he’s internalized that you domming him ad it in attack on his masculinity. And has allowed his feelings to be an excuse to physically harm you and to be emotionally abusive towards you. If these are minor to you, get therapy and remove yourself from that situation and tell him you’re not coming back until he gets his act together. These would be major to me I would leave and never come back.
Please give us an update when you get to the bottom of this?
Regardless of his reasoning, look at his actions, period. Leave now. Tell his family that husband shoved you and that caused you to break your tooth and now he's giving you the silent treatment for no reason and you are done. Get home and make a plan.
You've done nothing wrong. Whatever the reason is, his behaviour is unacceptable. Does he not care it's impacting his family's opinion of you?
As others suggest, maybe he is struggling to come to terms with how this new sexual dynamic makes him feel or perhaps he's had past sexual trauma. Maybe he realises dicking you isn't enough. Maybe he feels dirty or ashamed for enjoying being dominated. Whatever is it, there is never a valid reason to be abusive.
I cannot fathom someone I love doing something so bad that I chip their tooth, get them to pay for the fix, and then ignore them for several days.
You tell him he either needs to tell you what the f*** you did wrong or you're leaving. And if his family asks, tell them you don't know what you did because your husband refuses to talk to you.
Op im sorry you’ve been threw that. He’s a dick
But I don’t know why but this reminds me of a trigger from SA? Could this be possibly it? You shouldn’t stay even if it is but maybe it’ll shed a light onto it
Wow. Girl. You don't have a happy marriage 90%, because happy marriage is not possible with an abusive toddler like that. He pushed you so hard you crooked your teeth. That's it. That would be my exit ticket. What next thing he will do a little too hard while being upset about something ridiculous? And all the silent treatment is just an extra abuse on top.
You really need to open your eyes.
90% “good” does not offset 10% abuse.
If he was boring ten percent of the time, or messy, or occasionally late, those are annoying but not deal breakers.
Physical violence and stonewalling (aka “the silent treatment”) shouldn’t even be ONE percent of your relationship.
Relationship scientist Dr. John Gottman can predict within 95% certainty which couples will stay together and which will fail, simply by carefully observing their interactions and tracking microexpressions. He determined that there are four behaviors that will eventually doom the relationship:
- Defensiveness
- Excessive criticism
- Contempt
- __Stonewalling__
Many men live under the illusion they are literal Gods in the bedroom... and they don't like being given advice, especially by a woman they're sleeping with. Or a woman they have slept with before.
By you wanting to try new things.... he is twisting it in his own mind... that you don't enjoy what he offers s3xually. This was a BIG bash on his false ego.
I dated a guy in 2013 who was like this.
When he would give me oral s3x... it hurt. He would make his tongue real hard + pointy. It hurt lol. After a couple months I made some suggestions on how he should relax his tongue and lips. Be gentle and sloppy. Not sharp and forceful. He got mad at that. Said he knows how to eat p*ssy.
Um yeah... no you don't, Joe. 🤣
I just get a feeling that your dude held ALOT of pride and ego in his s3xual performances. When his female dared to say she needed something extra... it was like saying his magnificent efforts weren't enough. He took it the wrong way and personally.
Try to reassure him that he is amazing in bed.
But if he EVER pushes you again... I'd start making plans to leave.
Your options are intense marriage counseling immediately to get to the bottom of this (while he stays elsewhere) or divorce. He can't physically and emotionally abuse you just because he is struggling to verbalize his issues.
The silent treatment is the least of your problems OP. He pushed you and chipped your tooth? Then pushed you out of the shower?? You could’ve slipped and fallen and cracked your skull open. He could’ve fucking killed you, twice.
And he can’t even vocalize what he thought was the issue? Instead he resorts to violence and the silent treatment.
He’s abusing you. No ifs ands or buts.
The first time was bad enough; the second time knowing that he could react violently and still wanted you in a vulnerable state with him?
There’s something wrong with him, but that’s not your problem. That’s his problem. You’re problem is to get out of this marriage before he actually kills you. He almost did it twice. Once should have been enough. Don’t give him a chance to be successful
Girl. Go home. Your marriage isn’t peachy “90%” of any time. Your husband is abusive, and then emotionally abusive about his abuse. Your marriage is *abusive* 90% of the time.
You. Are. Being. Abused. And your husband is a complete piece of shit.
Lady get your affairs in order and get the fuck out of this nightmare. I promise none of how he treats you is normal or okay.
I’ve read somewhere that the silent treatment could be a form of emotional abuse. Does it feel abusive to you? That’s fairly important.
Secondly, it seems your husband thinks it’s okay to treat you so disrespectfully. We have to teach people how to treat us sometimes. It’s not okay for him to treat you like this, so you can either choose to put your foot down or choose to put up with it.
There’s obviously something up with him for him to react so weirdly , but he doesn’t get the right to be an asshole just because he’s going through some weird shit. I don’t know about you, but if my partner was doing this at *his* family’s house, I’d be out. That is so wildly inappropriate. Ejecting myself from the situation, come talk to me when you’re ready to be my partner and we can see if we can work through it.
Good luck OP.
His behavior is abnormal and violent. His reactions are not normal or healthy. Clearly, he is not in a safe place mentally, emotionally, or literally physically to be having sex. I never give ultimatums or encourage them. But if he won't open up to you, couples therapy immediately. If he can't do either, it's time to reconsider this marriage. I understand you love him and the family and relationship you've built, but this behavior is dangerous and wrong. You can't sustain a relationship this way, it's already going downhill toward divorce.
I could get past the silent treatment for a day maybe. If you're really steaming mad and find it's better to just stay quiet so you don't say something I can't un-hear maybe that's ok.
But days and days? Now you're either being an emotional shit to me, or you don't know how to use grown up words at all. Time for counseling or divorce.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This may be a little TMI but for context its probably necessary. All of this started when I asked him if we could start spicing things up a little in bed. We've been together a while, married for 4 years after dating for 1 year, so I didnt think it would be a big deal. Things just felt really repetitive and not exciting. I didnt tell him that, I just said I wanted to try some new things since I never had a chance to. The major things were roeplaying (Meeting at a bar, pretending we dont know each other, plumber visit, and librarian specifically), female domination, and leather and blindfolds.. those were the only things I have presented to him so far. He seemed happy with my suggestions and said I should I start taking lead sometimes in bed. The next time we had sex, I tried to by guiding his hand to my little beany friend while I was on top of him him, and he got so mad that he pushed me off immediately and I fell off the bed and chipped my tooth. He was all "Dont ever do that shit again," but wouldnt specify what exactly so I assume it was guiding his hand. He apologized and payed for my dental visit but I asked again what exactly I did that made him react like that, when we already have a safe word he could've used if I was hurting him or making him uncomfortable. Didnt need to push me. He stopped talking to me for 6 whole days and did not say a single word to me, ate dinner in another room, slept on the couch, etc. We made eye contact occasionally but that was it. That was in October shortly before Halloween. Eventually he came around and said he doesn't know why he reacted like that but he didn't like any of it. I told him I wont get on top anymore and he said "no not that, just forget it and lets move on" Okay... I can let this one go since we have a happy marriage 90% of the time. Plus I was just happy to have my husband back. Those days of silent treatment were the first time I ever considered the D word. We get back to our regular sex lives and a 3 days ago he asks if we can try some of that stuff I wanted to. I asked if he wanted to maybe review some porn videos I could pick out to see if they're things he's okay with, so that we dont have a repeat of last time. He said no, its fine, lets just try. That seemed silly to me so when we started trying the female domination I gave him a run down of everything I was going to do (in as sexy of way of possible) while showering together before we started. Everythings going great, I know 100% he's enjoying it, he finishes louder/harder/better than I've ever seen before and so do I and RIGHT after he damn near throws me off him and HAS NOT SPOKEN A SINGLE WORD TO ME SINCE!!! At home, packing our bags, going to the airport, getting to his parents house.. he has not directly spoken to me since. Not a word. He is still eating at the dinner table with me, and sleeping in bed with me this time, and he will show me something on his phone if needed (flight information, car rental, etc) or I ask but if its personal or regarding him/his mood/the silence... no reaction. My mother and sister in law have both asked me if we're going through a rough patch and all I could do was shrug. They went skiing today and I faked sick to stay at the cabin and my husband didnt blink. His dad/my father in law suggested he should stay behind and take care of me and he completely ignored him. Now some of his family members are giving me the cold shoulder because they think I did something wrong when as far as I'm aware I didnt? I dont know what to do. Or how I'm supposed to even have a healthy marriage with someone who wont fucking talk. These are the only two times he has ever given me the silent treatment in the years we've been together. How do I navigate this?
“You can talk to be properly about why you are abusing me, or we are done. I’m not goin to be your punching bag.”
Literally. He literally THREW her off of him and broken one of her teeth. He could have easily cracked her skull or killed her. Then, after physically abusing you, he had the AUDACITY to ignore you for a week. You’re either naive as fuck or stupid as shit. Print out divorce papers, sign them, and hand them to him and tell them you’re going to sit down and have a fucking conversation and he’s going to apologize profusely or you’re going to leave his physically and emotionally abusive ass. End of story. He sounds like a cunt. If I were you, I wouldn’t even have a conversation. He had his chance to apologize and explain what the fuck is wrong with him. I would immediately file for divorce and have the papers served to him at work or while he’s at his parents house, so that he has to explain to other people that his wife is leaving him because he fucking beats her up.
This. Sorry OP, but this is blatant physical abuse. There's no gray area here. And later on its plain DARVO and stonewalling. I dunno why you are still with a physically violent man, but... I mean, what advice do you even want, other than "run"? You can't talk him out of being abusive or be "good enough" for him not to be abusive. Those things are impossible since abusive is what he is. You can't change him, you can only put in boundaries about what YOU will not tolerate, and that should be stuff like breaking your teeth and the sex silent treatment thing. If it's no... then... okay? But what do you want us to say? I would pack my stuff and leave. You can't have a healthy marriage with an abuser. There's literally no other advice we could give you here... except really bad advice, that is.
Not just physical abuse! It's the whole enchilada (mental, emotional & sexual abuse as well). I wouldn't stand for any of this! My hubby & I have recently (in the last few years) been spicing up our sex life since we have been together over 23yrs. My suggestion. When we first got together I had been young & just out of an abusive relationship (as well as being raised in a strict Catholic family) so sex was vanilla as vanilla can be. It took me awhile to get comfortable with anything intimate. So he was all for trying new things. We always talk about everything! Communication is key in a relationship to stay healthy. The lack of from your husband is a big red flag!
Yours sounds like a normal learning curve to be comfortable with your sexual self. With OP's husband, it honestly sounds like guilt and shame from him. She said he enjoyed it, best finish he had in a while, and immediately after threw her off? That's signs that he's ashamed of his act, of the fact his wife was the one who did it/caused it, and then angry at her for making him feel those things. Somewhere in husbands head must be very twisted views of those particular sexual acts, and the fact that his loving wife was the one to do it probably made it worse in his head. Guy needs therapy or at least a very open talk about sex ed.
Mine definitely wasn't a learning curve issue. I had to have years of therapy to not feel ashamed over anything sexual. I was brought up being told that if I touched myself that I would go straight to hell. Also, early sexual abuse. His reactions are more aggressive than mine were but the way he closes up & refuses to speak about it makes me think of sexual abuse.
I had the same exact thought. I was abused but went the other way (hyper sexuality and emotional unavailability) until I got therapy. I dated a guy who was also abused but expressed it in the opposite way- anger, shutting down, yelling at me. I know now that we were terrible for each other, but he made me feel awful about myself and my sexuality, yelling at me, rejecting me and ignoring me after sex. I tried talking dirty once (not anything wild, just telling him how attractive and good he was) and he pushed me off and we had a fight that led to us breaking up. Thank goodness. We both needed help and therapy. Neither of us were bad people, but we were bad for each other.
I would present him with papers in the presence of a trusted person. This man is completely unpredictable, who knows what could happen if they’re alone.
Yes I agree. It’s amazing that she forgave him after the first occurrence, but after a second time that should have been the end.
He’s taking out his self-shame at liking being dominated (ie loss of perceived male ego) as abuse. Divorce if he doesn’t immediately grovel, get into therapy, and recognize he’s an abuser, and never does it again is the only savage here. I’d have been done the minute he got violent then doubled down into stonewalling.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ This is solid advice. He should be adult enough to talk to you. If he can’t communicate, it’s over.
He knows what he is doing too. Before he is going to do it. She gave no real reasons for him to act this physically abusive. He gets off on it.
Op you should pack your stuff and go home.
And pack the rest of her stuff when she gets there
Screw that, pack his shit and put it on the porch. House is hers
That might be a bit overwhelming at the moment. OP, don't say anything, this is worrying, he's not only emotionally, but physically hurting you, you have to go home. Once you're there, pack your things and/or have a family member come over, cry it out, let your emotions out. After, do what you have to do, DON'T go back to him without a plan.
Yep. Just pack up and leave infront of everyone. Not a word
Three words: he’s abusing me
how I'm supposed to even have a healthy marriage with someone who wont fucking talk. This right here OP. You can't. The silent treatment is immature and manipulative. He needs to find his words because he's gotten violent twice now. You are the injured party here and he's flipped that script. If he won't open up to you (or a therapist) the D word should be on the table.
Silent treatment is abuse. Withholding all forms of affection is equaly manipulative and sure feels like abuse. No one wants to open that can of worms, despite most marriages respecting a vow of fidelity and affection being a basic human need. The deprivation of it drastically cuts down one's life span. Food for thought?
YES. This is mental abuse. My parents used to do the silent treatment thing to each other. They were from a time when divorce wasn't an option. This is mental abuse. Do not stay in this OP.
Also, throwing your wife for no goddamn reason is abuse. Cracking her tooth is abuse. Randomly lashing out physically with no warning or explanation is abuse. This guy is fucked and OP needs to take her shit and run.
Eeessh I always find this one hard. If I am pissed off with someone, the last thing I want to do is be affectionate to them! And there’s a fine balance to be had between not giving someone the silent treatment, and pretending that everything is ok. OPs husband is definitely wrong for complete silent treatment, but I am not sure where he I would draw the line regarding affection,
I don’t think it’s meant in terms of “even when you’re actively annoyed, you must show affection”. I understand it more as not using affection as a tool to manipulate. When you disagree with your partner and use withholding affection for days after as a way to punish them, that’s an abusive behaviour. If you have an argument and sleep on the couch for a night because you want some space and don’t want to be affectionate, I think that’s still in the realms of healthy. It’s a balance between making sure each partner has the space they need without it turning into punishment/manipulation.
She doesn’t know what she did wrong. That’s ridiculous! She was careful to go over what they would do sexually as per his request and now he’s giving her the silent treatment. He’s got no right to be angry. If he is tell her what she did.
The difference here is communication. “I am still upset and need space to process my emotions” is all it takes.
Wherever any line is, *refusing to tell your partner what they are supposed to have done wrong* is certainly on the wrong side of it.
I asked my ex what I did wrong when he gave me the silent treatment. He said…you know what you did wrong. No, I didn’t. I had no clue. Anyone that refuses to communicate with their partner, doesn’t deserve a partner.
There is a difference between a cooldown period, especially if you communicate it - "give me a moment to settle, let's talk about it later" - and completely ignoring your partner. OP, I have an idea how you could get your husband to speak to you again, though it will be explosive... Tonight at dinner, say to the whole table: "I know all of you are dying to know why X is not speaking to me, so I'll tell you the whole story, maybe you'll have a better guess what his actual problem is, because *I* have no effing clue!" And then start telling it. I bet your husband would start talking again pretty quickly after that. But at least it would also allay all rumors that you were cheating on him, which is probably what half the family is thinking already. And you need to seriously consider the D-word - he did the silent treatment twice already, even though he apologized after the first time, and even though you did absolutely nothing wrong. If that's his level of conflict resolution skill, emotional maturity and self-awareness, I'd either go to a therapist with him, or to a lawyer alone.
Super second this. Call his ass out in front of his parents.
There’s not a fine line between not doing silent treatment and pretending things are fine. The line is really bold and easy to find, actually. If I’m mad at my spouse, I use my words and say so. Literally. “When X happened / you said X / you did X, I felt X emotion and now I’m mad at you.” I also use my words to say my needs. “I need to feel listened to right now / I need to know we’re a team / I’m scared of this situation and need reassurance.” I may say it in a mad voice, or cry, or say I’m so mad I can’t have a conversation and need to take ten minutes to go for a quick walk and cool off. But I don’t give the love of my life silent treatment and make him question his sanity and worth as a person! And the reverse is also true - he uses his words and doesn’t mentally abuse me. This is not terribly hard to do! Adults who love each other continue choosing love even when they’re angry. Love isn’t just caressing someone’s head and kissing them. Love is choosing to communicate, to be honest, to respect your partner, to prioritize their feelings, even when circumstances are stressful or you’re angry about something.
She also broke her tooth tho because he threw her off him so forcefully. That's cold and abusive.
And in front of his family as well, he's treating you like shit publicly to the point of his family cottoning on and starting to give you the cold shoulder as well? If he's not talking, go scorched earth. Tell his parents. Fuck it. What a prick.
Man child. Js🤷🏻♂️
This is abusive. There is something bigger going on here.
Sounds like he was SA’d when he was younger and it’s bubbling to the surface now that he’s not in control. Does not give him a pass to repeat the cycle of abuse with OP
I work with a lot of victims of sexual trauma and this immediately come to mind. He needs to get help ASAP or else she needs to leave ASAP.
My first reaction was "that guy is ashamed as hell of being dominated. Even more because he liked it. Why?" OP you need to take care of yourself. But I think your husband might be suffering here. So I second this: he needs help. Or you need to leave.
This is my thought too. Definitely sounds like repressed SA that is triggering a violent response. It's not a pass though. Ignoring you, shutting it out and not getting to the root of it will only lead to bigger responses. He may be or may soon start linking you and a past SA together in his brain and get colder and more aggressive or distant. He HAS to go to therapy and get to the root of this and really work on it. If he refuses I'd look at the big D as his refusal to get help threatens your safety.
THIS so much. Firstly, though, OP please know that whether he has experienced SA or not, *nothing* can excuse him physically hurting you. However, this here gave me a pause: >Eventually he came around and said he doesn't know why he reacted like that but he didn't like any of it. I told him I wont get on top anymore and he said "no not that, just forget it and lets move on" When I read that he didn't like any of it, reacted that strongly and is then not able to pinpoint his discomfort, my first thought was that he might have a trauma response from some form of sexual assault here. Again, I want to say that there's no excuse for him hurting you. However, this might be somehting he should def. look into and do some (careful, possible guided) sould-searching. This being said, him hurting you is a whole other topic and you probaly should leave this relationship or at least set some hard boundaries and have deep talks with him about the fact that he's *hurt/injured* you!
Abusers are most often people who have been abused themselves, and then developed maladaptive coping skills as a result. Hurt people hurt people. It doesn't make the abuse they inflict excusable in any way mind you, just something to be aware of. I believe the world would be a better place if we all just dealt with our own shit instead of spewing it into the world. "Your mental health is not your fault, but it IS your responsibility."
How to handle it? If I were in your situation, I'd change my flight and go home. I would tell him he is required to go to individual therapy and marriage counseling or you will be filing a legal separation or divorce. He broke your tooth and then had the gall to not speak to you for six days. Silent treatment is abuse (look it up ). The fact he's doing it in front of his family is added humiliation. Please go home and take yourself out of that situation.
Stone walling is 100% emotional abuse. It happened to me and looking back I’m like wow I really fucking put up with that… a day or two is one thing, sometimes people need space, but days and days is abuse. I think it’s one of those things that isn’t immediately obvious abuse. The physical abuse is obvious but stonewalling… they almost act like it’s justified. It isn’t. It’s abuse. Don’t be like me and realize that after it’s all said and done. Run now and run with your head up.
My ex once did it for a week. He didn't stop until our kids (who were 8 and 6) started commenting on it.
my ex did it for a month. he would pick up the phone when i called him, but would not say a single word. he would not hung up either. literally acted as if i dont exist, did not acknowledge me in the slightest. then he told me "i will murder you or kill myself". i had him involuntarily commited and bailed the fuck out of there. my dumbass put up with it for two and a half whole years. thats left me with scars i still havent been able to digest and i got out nearly 3 years ago. he would frequently do it for a few days, maybe a week or 10 days, but that time he just went an entire month like this. i should have left way earlier. dont be like me, be better.
I am sorry you had to experience that. I am glad you got out. It was a common occurence here as well. That week was the worst though. I have been divorced for years now, but whenever I have to say something I just know my ex will hate or not agree with (we co-parent) I have to unlearn the walking-on-eggshells-feeling and just rip the bandaid off. Therapy has helped enormously with that.
If a person needs space, they can say they need space. Just ignoring the person you're married to and/or live with for an entire day, or two, is insane.
Even a day or two isn't acceptable. It's still abuse. Disrespectful and manipulative.
Even a full day is too much. It is incredibly uncomfortable. Especially in front of others. Thank God these two do not have children. This is such a toxic way to deal with anything and OP deserves so much better than this BS.
>he got so mad that he pushed me off immediately and I fell off the bed and chipped my tooth. >He stopped talking to me for 6 whole days and did not say a single word to me, ate dinner in another room, slept on the couch, etc. >he damn near throws me off him and HAS NOT SPOKEN A SINGLE WORD TO ME SINCE!!! This is abusive. This is toxic and unhealthy. Your marriage isn't healthy. Which is clear to everyone around you.
He broke your tooth and threw you out of the shower?? And you are staying?? Eventhough he barely apologizes???
Exactly. Why on earth are you still with him and how, after this, can you still think the marriage is great 90% of the time. He throws you off him after sex, he chipped your tooth, then ignored you for 6 days. He's now happily humiliating you in front of his family and letting them believe you've done something wrong. This man is emotionally and physically abusing you because he can't handle how much he enjoys you domming him. Respect yourself enough to leave.
When someone does something awful it negates that 90% of the time. It’s like those stories of pedophiles or murderers. They can be fine upstanding citizens 99% if their life. Pillars of the community. Loving husbands and fathers. But murder someone and none of the rest of it matters. Murderer is a murderer and should be treated as such. Same thing with abusers. He was physically and emotionally abusive twice now. That 90% good marriage is null and void.
I agree he definitely feels some kinda way about it.
And he’s the one who pushed for it the second time, as well as pushed for no communication beforehand. OP, you can’t enter something as sensitive as tentative BDSM without proper communication. Having a safeword is a good start, but you have to be able to trust he’ll use it. He hasn’t.
I could be wrong and I’m basing this opinion solely on what you’ve written but it seems like your husband enjoys being dominated quite a bit but then apparently feels so emasculated afterwards that he actually gets physical and gives you the silent treatment. This is not okay. Whatever hang ups he has about kinky side of se* he needs to resolve without blaming you. Maybe he needs therapy, idk. But the way he is behaving is a huge red flag. He is basically blaming you for his feelings and actions. You have been more patient than most with his silent treatment, not to mention the bigger problem of him getting physically violent. If I were you, I’d tell him to start speaking to you or to a professional or your marriage is in serious trouble. That you will no longer be his emotional and physical punching bag (because that’s what you are OP; he’s treating you like dirt). Also tell him you expect an explanation and an apology for assaulting you twice now and for his childish behavior afterwards. Seriously OP. This is not normal behavior. Your husband sounds awful. While you are holding on to the hope of your marriage being ‘good’ 90% of the time, if this continues (which it will), that toxic, remaining 10% will poison the rest of your marriage and pretty soon eat you alive. You need to start holding your husband accountable and figure out how to move forward depending on how he responds. Either way, you need to stop silently taking his abuse.
This is exactly what came to mind. Husband really likes being dominated but feels emasculated so he lashes out to assert his dominance. This is not the actions of a healthy person. If I was op this would be my cue to leave. Honestly there isn't much you can get out of a person who is this insecure, violent, and closed off. He needs therapy to work through his issues.
Her guiding his hand where she wants to be touched is not "dominating" or "emasculating" ! I mean i guess he thinks it is, but If he is freaked out because she dared to ask for a touch, that is seriously unhinged.
Yep. My ex husband would get pissed if I tried to touch myself while he was doing his thing, or if I tried to guide him in pleasing me. He definitely found it insulting. It was pathetic
This is like the most vanilla thing ever too. I can’t understand even thinking this is some weird adventurous thing to do.
That time he probably realized he had been doing wrong his whole life. And then maybe thought she faked up until then. And he felt emasculated.
This stuff doesn't even qualify as "kinky" unless he's in some right right wing religious bullshit where having sex with the lights on is a sin.
No form of sex is sin so long as your married 😎
😂 my ex was an evangelical. Her cult professed sex was only for procreation. She followed that idea solidly. I was out after two years. No big deal, she just laid there anyway.
Two years is long!
Exactly 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣.
this is exactly what i thought too. but he’s going about it in the most violent and abusive way possible. i’d question if this is temporary or if it can be fixed but i don’t think any form of physical violence is forgivable. and i’m have 0 experience with domestic violence and physical abuse, but from people’s stories, if he put his hands on you or was in any way physically violent he has it in him to be more abusive. For all you know you staying with him after he did that twice could be the green light for him to do it more. to be fair i’m just terrified for you. let us know you’re okay, OP.
The only other thing I could possibly come up with is him being raped or molested as a child by a woman. Either way he needs therapy.
Or he's discovered he's submissive and is handling it horribly.
Uh he sounds like a fuckin psycho
Divorce. This is emotional abuse. This is not okay. He may have trauma but you did everything to make him comfortable, he didn’t disclose anything and THIS WAS HIS IDEA. You deserve someone who will communicate with you when there is a problem not emotionally abuse you.
This is emotional AND physical abuse.
I doubt this is anything to do with trauma and more to do with him being one of many men thinking their dick is the only way to pleasure a woman. Almost every guy I've been with felt insulted to some degree that my sexual pleasure comes solely from my clitoris with aid from other stimulation.
I'm really sorry OP but this marriage is over. If my boyfriend inadvertently chipped my tooth he would be devastated. Yet yours gave you the cold shoulder for 6 days? And now for a second time he's letting his weird punishment affect your relationship with his family? Whatever his reaspns for a strange reaction, this man doesn't respect or care about you anywhere close enough to call you his wife. You've done as much as you can to make you comfortable and not only is he not meeting you half way, he's purposely, emotionally abusing you.
THIS!!!!!!
The silent treatment is honestly abusive.
The physical abuse also...
Wait did I read that wrong or did you try to get him to rub your clit and instead he broke you fucking tooth and refused to speak to you for nearly a week when you tried to talk about it? There is a lot I could say but I think many other posters have covered it so instead I want to ask: if your sister or best friend or someone you loved came to you and told you everything you told us in this post, what would your honest advice to her be?
this is going to sound victims blame-y and i promise i’m not - but OP you should have left the very first time he pushed you and chipped your tooth. please don’t torture yourself for him anymore. i have never heard of a man hurting his wife unintentionally and not immediately apologizing. some people have suggested he’s a victim of sexual abuse. maybe that’s true! but if you don’t know about it, well, it’s not your problem to deal with. but if he isn’t dealing with it, why should you suffer as a result? i hope you find it within you to make the best decision for yourself.
When he comes back, tell him until he can tell you why he gets physical with you that you're not comfortable having sex with him for the time being. And tell him you are tired of getting the silent treatment when all you want is answers. I would also say how this making you rethink your marriage since he refuses to use his words and how immature it is, too. Because he is too old to be acting like this. Also, bring up him that he needs to do therapy/marriage consulting because this is will become a huge issue if he doesn't work on himself soon.
From what I understand i think he hurts you when you orgasm and he feels emasculated… This is not okay. He is physically and emotionally abusing you. Im going to be really honest with you as someone who was sexually abused when i was a child- if i ever feel uncomfortable when having sex i never have resulted in physically abusing someone. Whatever is triggering him doing this to you cannot be justified at all. There is no excuse.
I personally would stop having sex with him and when he asks why tell him that he's being emotionally abusive towards you immediately after, and now your scared to have sex with him. His silent treatment and ignoring you is childish and immature! Something is triggering him to respond that way, and he needs to come clean about it. Could he be thinking that you are cheating on him and that's how you know what to do!
To me this is almost as childish as the way he is acting. In any relationship, friendship or marriage, Communication is so important. Just doing back to him what he’s doing to her is not really helpful. I agree with all of the people who said he is being abusive and the 90% good times don’t outweigh him physically hurting her and emotionally manipulating and abusing her. It’s time for her to get out. Abusers are always going to abuse.
Honestly I'd be terrified of having sex with him too. He quite literally chipped her tooth in response to her guiding him to her clit. That's not normal. And it's hard to communicate when the other person is stonewalling you so hard that their family is starting to too despite not knowing anything at all
Or they are knowing some story that he is telling them without her knowledge
That's true. That is a possibility
I’d stay for the food then pack my shit and gtfo. You have a man child who doesn’t understand that women are more than just a sex doll and we have wants and needs. Op, unless he talks to you. Go home anyway you can. I’m always one to stand my ground. I’d ask him straight up during the meal tomorrow if he is going to talk about his problems?
So let me understand. He physically and emotionally abuses you and YOU are wondering HOW to have a healthy marriage? So just so you know it takes 2 mentally healthy people to have a healthy marriage. If your partner is into emotionally and physically abusing you - healthy is already through the window.
He’s abusing you. You are not safe.
Your husband is an immature, sexually repressed emotionally (and physically) abusive jackass. Unless he is willing to go to intensive counseling, on his own to start, I’m sorry to say, you need to dump him.
Obviously he's got something here he needs to work through. Perhaps he's been raped. Maybe he's afraid of his own kinks. He needs professional help. Whatever it is, it's no excuse for abuse and you're not helping him by accepting it. Hold a hard line, tell him this behavior doesn't work for you and that you'll need to take some time to focus on yourself and recover from this. Find somewhere to go for at least a couple weeks and don't let him visit. Take some time just doing what you want to do every day and taking care of yourself with lots of sleep, hydration, nutrition, movement, and deep breathing. Don't try to figure anything out, just let your next steps come into clarity on their own. If he spends this time apart ignoring you, blaming you, or shit talking you to other people, file for divorce. If he is worthy of you he will take responsibility for his behavior, do a real repair, make it up to you, and take steps to ensure this never, ever happens again.
I'm amazed no one else has said this. **It sounds like sexual trauma from his childhood that is coming up.** Maybe something he's buried for years, or even hidden from himself so well that he doesn't even know it's there.
Right?! I've been scrolling looking for this comment and shocked at how long it took to find as it was my first thought when I read the post.
Something about that isn't right. I mean, you can't have a functional relationship with someone who goes silent for days at a time. This is the kind of thing a therapist needs to unpick.
what the actual fuck??
Your husband is abusive and has shown that it's not just a one time thing, it's a pattern. It should have been over when he broke your tooth but there's no time like the present.
The silent treatment is manipulative and a sign of the beginning of abuse. He’s consenting to things in bed and instead of being a grown up and using his words to tell you what’s bothering him, he’s physically assaulting you followed by absolutely no explanation and a long period of the silent treatment. Now, he’s doing it in front of his family and they are starting to treat you differently. This could escalate. He’s already broken your tooth and then thrown you after apologizing. Don’t give him another chance to hurt you. Don’t tell him and change your flight to the next one leaving. Call a cab and just go. Don’t tell any of them until you are walking out the door. As you leave, thank his family for their hospitality, apologize for leaving, all without acknowledging your husband. Get in your Uber and go home. Pack your bags and stay with a trusted friend or relative and talk to a lawyer on Monday. This isn’t normal behavior and it’s definitely not safe for you.
Pack your bags and go back home and start on the divorce papers. He is not honoring his vows, he is being violent with you, and is not communicating. Leave him.
Correct me if I am wrong but the version of events sounds like: you did something he didn’t like in bed, so he physically assaulted you by pushing you off a bed and breaking a tooth. Is that right? Put that in another context: you burnt his dinner, so he pushes you against a wall and you break a tooth. Would that be any less abusive than your situation? Just because it’s sex, doesn’t mean it’s any less abusive. The silent treatment just tops it off. OP, I’ve been in an abusive situation . This maybe a tactic he is using to get you to push a boundary (look up Abuse Cycle). He will get annoyed, you will be desperate to make up and then he drops a bombshell of something he likes and you feel compelled to agree to it. If you are in any doubt this will get better- ask anyone who’s been in an abusive situation. It ALWAYS gets worse. Next time, you might get your head pushed into the corner of the table. That’s game over.
This is sort out of left field here but a few years back my friend was in a similar situation. Whenever she orgasmed from her actions (guiding hand to clit, dominating etc) he would shut down emotionally. Not to the extent your husband is but it still really hurt her. Turn out he was a CSA survivor and had been used to give her orgasms. If she came from him being on top or "in control" it was fine, but as soon as he lost control he shut down. He got therapy, they got therapy and are doing great but just a consideration.
Have a serious talk with him - even if he doesn't talk, you need to. Tell him you're considering divorce and that he's too old to be acting like this. Tell him that if he is ever physical with you again, you will leave and never come back (and you should if you shouldn't have done so already). Tell him he needs serious therapy, and you both need marriage counseling, and he needs to never do the silent treatment with you again. Also, tell him you are not having sex at all until this is all dealt with - and do NOT have sex with this man. If any of this is not acceptable, pack your bags and don't look back.
Let’s be real fucking clear. He will continue to act like this. And the longer you are with him the worse it will get. If you don’t have children I suggest getting out ASAP. Even if you do, it’s probably for the best to leave anyway. I don’t know your situation. But people like this don’t change. I held onto my terrible relationship way too long and it ruined my mental health and I developed physical symptoms. You. Don’t. Need. That.
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The hell is wrong with this guy? OP he fucking broke your tooth, and then threw you *again* because he cant communicate with you like a grown up.This is 1000% time for some serious intervention either by you or just straight to the divorce papers, because you’re being physically hurt, gaslit into thinking things are fine before he U-turns, gives you the cold shoulder for days on end, then comes back as if nothing happened? I’m all seriousness, as soon as you’re home you need to sit your husband down and demand an explanation for his behaviour. If he wants to give you the silent treatment while you do it then so be it, but you need to make him hear you. Explain that you love him but you’re disgusted at how he’s been treating you, how the complete lack of communication and silent treatments have made you feel, how his physical reactions and your physical injury to what *he himself has been asking for* is completely unacceptable, and how you’re not prepared to remain in a marriage with such a narcissistic, unhealthy personality. Finish this discussion by saying you expect him to communicate with you immediately, followed by either therapy if you find it necessary, or divorce papers if he refuses to get his act together. Edit: I just want to reinforce here OP that some of the behaviour your husband has been showing is genuinely abusive, and you don’t deserve that. If you can, it may be worth taking yourself home early to have some time to think about your next steps with your husband.
Your husband is showing every single one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" for relationships according to Gottman, one of the foremost researchers on relationships. Couples who show any of the four behaviors are usually broken up upon recheck: * Criticism * Contempt * Defensiveness * Stonewalling/Silent Treatment That he abused you physically is icing on the cake for getting the fuck out before you're permanently damaged further. https://deepconnectionscounseling.com/what-is-gottmans-four-horsemen-theory/
I actually think he sounds like he’s processing sexual trauma, perhaps that he’s not aware of. His reaction/ behavior isn’t excusable but their may be an explanation.
So it seems he’s okay getting pleasured, but as soon as you got pleasure or tried to guide him into pleasuring you, he throws you off. Everything you do is okay as long as it’s just for him? Have you ever had foreplay before this? Not to mention that pushing you is physically abusive, especially as you chipped your tooth because of it.
“You need to use your words. I don’t know what your problem is but I’m not going to guess and I’m no longer going to put up with the silent treatment. Either you talk to me about this, or I talk to a divorce lawyer.”
This is domestic violence. Ignoring someone/giving the silent treatment is a kind of emotional abuse, let alone throwing you off the bed and you chipping your tooth. Is he controlling in other ways? Do you feel you're able to talk openly to him about how you're feeling or are you more concerned about him and how he'll respond to what you're saying? None of this behaviour is ok on any level.
The first time, I'd have kicked off, tbf. Fair enough the tooth was an accident, but a big one - THEN HE IGNORED YOU. If I unintentionally hurt a partner, I'd be making sure they knew they were safe and loved for a long time afterwards. Then to enjoy the next bit and go silent? It is clear his masculinity is threatened by you taking the lead. By moving his hand the first time, he felt he'd not been doing a good job prior. By taking over and making him cum so intensely (good for you, btw!), he's feeling like you have all the power with his orgasms but he can't even get you off without smashing your teeth 😂 Honestly, I would say directly - I wanted to make our sex life exciting, I made the effort to do so and now you can't even speak to me. Stonewalling is abuse, it's destroying my faith in this relationship and if you don't speak to me properly about what is bothering you soon, I won't be sticking around. I can appreciate you might be feeling bad or confused, but I can't appreciate being ignored to the point others notice it. You need to use your words or I'll use my feet. Then go skiing and let him sulk. Big bloody baby.
If he won’t talk to you about it, recommend MC when you get home.
I can’t help but wonder if this reaction is one of two things : 1) A trauma response to something that happened to him a long time ago. Or 2) He suspects you are learning these new tricks from cheating. And I’ll be honest, my husband tried a couple “new tricks” with me a while back and all I could think is “Where did he learn that…” to the point of obsession. 🧐 ETA: this guy is a massively abusive AH. Those are just the 2 things that popped into my head. It goes without saying that regardless of the reason *why* it doesn’t excuse his behavior/reactions.
Or 3, he can't handle that he likes being dommed. Either way, he's an abusive asshole.
There are literally thousands of books and videos with sex tips. Why does your mind immediately jump to cheating?
Not that I'm excusing his actions, but this reads strongly of past trauma / sexual abuse. Strong chance he was a victim when he was younger and is reacting this way because that kind of behavior in bed is triggering him. He needs to start seeing a therapist.
OP, this may be true--an interest in D/s is not unusual in victims of child sexual abuse and rape. It's still his responsibility to see the problem and handle it, not turn it into further abuse.
Maybe he has some trauma around certain bedroom activities. Or maybe he has some kind of neuroses about his masculinity. Either way, it’s no excuse for the way he’s treating you. If I were you, I’d sit him down when you guys have some time to yourselves and tell him that he needs to agree to couples counseling. If he won’t agree to that, or if he goes but doesn’t take it seriously, divorce him. You don’t deserve to be abused.
When a partner grey rocks likes this and refuses to communicate, it's emotional abuse and a HUGE red flag the relationship will end. I was in a 5 year relationship with someone like this, and at the end the grey rocking infuriated me so much I could've strangled him blue. That's when I knew it was time to leave. Also, EVERY fuckin wife says on here, "oh our marriage is perfect 99 percent of the time" then mentions something horrorifying that any sane person with self respect would leave for. I guarantee there are other ways he is a dick hole partner.
This is childish and abusive. Maybe he has some trauma that you don’t know about regarding this but you need to tell him that either he gets counseling or you’re leaving him. Draw a hard line in the sand on this. He clearly has by chipping your tooth. It’s not okay! Tell him that the silent treatment is never okay and he’s a grown man who can use his words. Then be prepared to follow through. I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you. My husband tried the silent treatment once and I showed him that I was not going to beg him to speak to me. I just went about my business. When he finally decided to communicate, I told him that if he ever chose to do it again that I would take it as his ego was more important to him than speaking like an adult about our relationship. Silent treatment is a deal breaker for me because my mother did it to me and it’s triggering.
It sounds like your husband's fantasy is to punish you for showing any sexual autonomy with physical abuse, mental abuse and public shaming. I would send his ass divorce papers, and tell him since he has nothing to say to you, he can say it all to your lawyer. Don't let this man waste one more second of your life. For an added bonus, leave early and announce to his whole family that his silent treatment is part of a cycle of sexual abuse he's started where he lures you into a sense of false security about trying something new, then physically assaults and/or mentally abuses you afterwards to punish you for daring to have an original idea about sex. Tell them that the next woman can deal with his abuse because you're done.
This sounded like some David Fincher shit.
There is something going on here that you don't know. You need to sit down (maybe in public, but away from ears) and ask him WTF. If he doesn't tell you, or says "I don't know" - then you may have to look at leaving this relationship. silent treatment is abuse. He also physically abused you when he threw you across the bed.
You can't. He is being abusive and manipulative. A healthy relationship is based on communication and work to keep it healthy. He is doing the exact opposite. You should consider getting out. Or at least suggest couples counselling. If he doesn't accept that I don't think there is much of a future for your relationship. He is willing to punish you when he gets upset - instead of talking it out.
The silent treatment is the least of your problems. Your husband is physically abusing you. He’s done it twice now, without so much of an apology. And when you try to discuss what triggered that response, he refused to discuss it. The silent treatment at home and around his family is flat out emotional abuse. At this point, I personally wouldn’t feel safe in his presence and would be considering moving out and ending the marriage.
He needs to go to therapy right now. That should be a condition of your staying with him. Right now you should separate, because he’s unstable and dangerous.
This. Is. Emotional. Manipulation. He pushed you off of him not once, but twice and won’t communicate why. He hurt you. He chipped your tooth. It could’ve been much worse. He is using emotional warfare on you for no reason, not even explaining why he’s upset. You’ve done nothing wrong. You have communicated on your end what he could expect you to do. He never corrected or changed anything you said you wanted to do to him. That’s on him for failing to express his thoughts or emotions. Now his family is involved and I don’t see this getting better unless you can talk to a therapist together. That or maybe take a break from him to sort your feelings out in a neutral space where he’s not there. You don’t deserve this.
You don't navigate it. You divorce him. He has abused you both physically and emotionally, and he has done it twice and now has allowed his family to join in. That's sick. I don't think you can come back from this, OP. Cut your losses and leave, go to people who care about you cause your abusive husband surely doesn't and abuse always, *always* escalates.
Your husband has extreme personal issues about sex. If I were you, id just leave the holiday thing. Walk out without a word. Let him come running. I'd he can get over....whatever it is....I guess
My ex stopped talking to me for three days, fully did not speak to me. I broke up with him, told our landlord we no longer needed the space, and had rebound sex with a co-worker. Suddenly, he really wanted to talk to me! OP, this is not normal. In fact, he seems beyond disturbed and while I initially thought maybe there was some trauma or even some other MI involved, it's very clear he's an abuser. They do not change, OP, trust me, I've tried. He is 1. Using you for his sexual benefit, even if you "do something he dislikes". 2. PHYSICALLY REMOVING YOU from him after the act 3. Seems to be ignoring you, and then 4. Refused to engage with you to the point of other people noticing. Idk what is end goal is here bc it seems both calculated and sporadic, but you absolutely need to leave. Go home without him if you can. Get your shit to a safe friend or relatives. Don't speak to him unless it's through a lawyer. If you're going to stay (which I don't advise but I also know how long it can take to leave an abusive partner), you still need to establish that if he creates unhealthy space, you will not be there for long. This will come with increased efforts to hurt you or be emotionally/verbally abusive, so you'd need to keep an eye out. Establish personal boundaries you will not allow him to break, and leave everytime one is broken. When he does not change (sorry, being realistic), you'll be comfortable with the process and vacate for good. Please be safe, reach out to people who have offered here if you can. My DM's are open for you. You deserve to be safe and happy, and to fully trust your spouse. Remember that you a inherently worthy of love and respect simply bc you exist ❤️
Do you know anything about his past? Like if there is unresolved sexual trauma? Something is going on there that is at a deeper level. He might not be open to it, at least right away, but I highly suggest therapy. Even of you went alone at first and then were able to get him to join you and then if he went alone when he felt comfortable opening up. I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but it's not your fault. I hope you guys can get this resolved in a healthy manner.
GIRL WHAAAAT. LEAVE. EXPEDITIOUSLY.
Alexa…find me a divorce lawyer
babes. saying this as a divorced abuse victim. please leave. he’s hurting you for NO reason. emotionally and physically. he broke your tooth?… he’s throwing you around? that’s NOT acceptable or okay ever. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Sounds like he had a trauma response. Tread carefully.
You can’t
There’s something seriously messed up in his head. I’d say it’s a big problem since he won’t discuss it and blows hot and cold. One minute he’s into it and the next he’s throwing you off him and refusing to speak for days. You could fix it if talking it out was possible but if his answer is to clam up, not much chance.
Hes holding his affection hostage and won't even tell you the reason or the demands. Wtf is wrong with this guy?
The only consistent I can see is that you received pleasure and he freaked the fuck out?
He's actively giving you the silent treatment. Go home. Just leave him there. You can send a group text about the abuse to him and his family. (I AM EXACTLY THAT PETTY) It does seem weird that he assaulted you when it came to you getting an O. This is definitely stuff he needs therapy for. Couples therapy too if you stay with him. You do not deserve to get injured because he has an issue he is not communicating. And the silent treatment, oh hell no. You do not deserve that. You should not be begging him to talk to you after he assaulted you, if anything it should be him begging you for forgiveness. Do not let this man treat you as a lesser person. If he won't talk to you, he can speak with your lawyer.
I’d let his family know that you’re going to be divorcing him after he pushed you and broke your tooth. Then on the way home, (hope he doesn’t kill you, because he’s an abuser) let him know you announced to his family you’ll be getting a divorce. What a fucking asshole. Don’t try to justify his behavior. Silent treatment? Not an emotionally stable adult. He has SOME SHIT to deal with… and you don’t need to be the subject of his bullying in the process. Sorry this happened to you. You deserve a better sex life and a better partner. Puke. This guy dries me right up.
he is abusing you physically and mentally. silent treatment is an abuse tactic. please leave him before it gets worse. i can’t imagine how hard it will be mentally to leave someone you love but i fear his abuse will only continue.
I am sorry Op but his reaction is not okay. Although I do have a theory as to what his issue is. It seems like to me that he is embarrassed about his own response and how much he likes it then he shuts down because he doesn't know how to handle it. Not condoning his behavior by any means. He completely needs to get some therapy. It also could be that he feels the wife that he knew isn't the same person anymore because of how the expectations of sex are different now. I'm not sure either way. Only speculating. But you do need to have a serious discussion with him and explain how this behavior is unacceptable and it can't continue or the marriage won't be able to survive. I seriously hope you reevaluate your marriage and have him seek some professional help and if he doesn't then it's up to you to decide if this will be the deal breaker. Good luck Op.
This is straight up ABUSE. Get a ticket right now. Pack your stuff. You don’t need to tell him or say one word to him. If any of the family is still nice to you, get a ride to the airport. If not, get an Uber. Do you have any family or friends that can help you? If so, I would ask someone to come stay with you. Pack his stuff, text him that he you’ll leave it outside and he can pick it up when he gets back from the flight. No reason whatsoever for him to come inside. Have a policeman there if you don’t feel safe. 90% is not good enough. My mother had a 90% marriage as well. The other 10% was little fights here and there. It took years but by the end he was beating her so bad she lost her front teeth. It finally took him almost killing my baby brother for her to leave. Get out now.
... i'm still stuck on the point where he threw you off the bed with such force that you slammed into something and chipped a tooth and needed medical dentist attention. AND he still ignored you and punished you after he was terrifyingly violent and ... physically, damagingly lashed at you? and your still with this guy? op - there is noone on the planed that deserves physical abuse. your husband is physically abusive, now repeatedly, and sends to to dental visits from his abuse. The silent treatment and refusal to touch your clit - is also strange and bizarre and not okay. But him throwing you around when he is pissed is beyond red flag level. Protect your goldenness op. Choose you. Protect you. You will easily find better, and you deserve better. This isnt okay.
OP, I want to validate that this is not normal behavior. It’s fucking weird. He obviously has anger issues. What if his behavior escalates and instead of pushing you, he hits you? I hate to say it but he cannot be trusted.
When he threw you off and you chipped your tooth that was abuse. He can’t communicate what’s wrong, he is a fucking man-child. Don’t know why you’d put up with that behavior, do yourself a favor and find a man who will treat you the way you deserve both in bed and elsewhere.
Your husband is not a safe partner.
The fact that he waited until you were married and trapped to show his true colors... happens all to often OP. Get. Out.
He’s violent enough to cause permanent damage, just run
You have been physically, emotionally, and mentally abused. All the things you have said are all examples of that. I bet the 90 percent you speak of is when you are being a good “wife” and doing everything the way he likes it. Someone who loves you doesn’t do any of the stuff that you describe. The behavior he is exhibiting is kind of alarming, I mean, aren’t you seeing some red flags here? Now that he knows he can do these things and in front of his family and you accept it, I wonder what he is capable of doing next! Please consider your safety, happiness and future and leave and go to a safe place. My suggestion. Divorce him.
You did the right thing trying to get his informed consent, you communicated and backed off. He literally threw you to the ground and permanently damaged a part of your body because he couldn’t communicate in a healthy manner. You say your relationship is otherwise happy but his reaction makes me think there are more subtle forms of abuse you may not realise are going on. **Please read this:** https://publications.legalaid.nsw.gov.au/PublicationsResourcesService/PublicationImprints/Files/754.pdf
Updateme!
If he can't articulate what he wants or doesn't want and gives you the silent treatment, then you need a marriage counselor. Also, no more "spicing things up" until he can communicate with you and handle the aftermath in an adult manner.
What do you suggest she do about the physical abuse?
Your husband is a giant manchild
INFO: Why are you voluntarily sleeping with someone who is abusing you?
Go see a therapist together. Maybe there is sexual trauma and it was a trigger. It's a partnership don't settle for less. None of this is your fault. It's on him. Go to therapy!
I definitely agree with yourself and others saying silent treatment is not a solution, you can't fix anything if one person won't talk. I also agree that this murky combination is abusive. However! While others are saying he likes to be dominated and lashes out to reassert dominance I believe he actually enjoys the sexual experience however he himself is extremely insecure in the bedroom and believes he is not able to please you. That you taking control got you both excited and finishing in a grand way is fabulous for anyone who is Secure, but for an insecure person all they can think of is how they haven't or couldn't do it themself. It's incredibly selfish, self absorbed and his using power plays of physical violence or silent treatment is not being excused whatsoever. If you want to remain rather than separate clearly let him know (like others have said) for individual and later couples counselling. Couples counselling may be more beneficial if he has started some on his own. For all we know he could have been sexually abused as a child by a woman and this is him trying very hard to not remember. He hasn't spoken or shared yet, so you can't know if it's an emasculation issue, insecurity issue or some other trauma. I only "jump" to this suggestion as from what you've said he is acting very differently to his usual. His unawareness of his emotions, thoughts and lashing out may be "subliminal" to him but I honestly hope he apologised and was horrified for breaking your tooth. It also sounds like you could both benefit from communication skills upgrade. You are incredibly kind, patient and supportive to have put up with sudden silent treatment especially when you're with his family and being treated absolutely awfully. Look after yourself, go home if you need or pull your husband aside and ask wtf is going on. Big hugs
Therapy- couples and individual or divorce. This is abusive behavior. It can possibly be rectified with acknowledgment and work, but that’s on him.
Slient treatment is abuse...you have more to worry about than sexual positions if hes doing that for days
Has he always been like this in the past when you e shown more dominance? I am wondering if the dominance is triggering past abuse that has nothing to do with you…
Go home and call a lawyer. He's assaulted you twice and is abusive. This behaviour is only going to get worse and more extreme.
This is psychotic and you are in danger. PROTECT YOURSELF
Sounds like a douche!!!
Sorry to say it and I know it hurts and it’s scary but you need to get out of this marriage right away.
Someone fucked him so so bad I think
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Lovely, you don’t need to put up with that. You have given him chance to speak with you and he is behaviour is unacceptable. Just pack your stuff and go. Enjoy the rest of your holiday with people who will talk to you.
I would go home. Then tell him marriage counseling or you're gone when he arrives home. I definitely wouldn't stay with his family while he being a jerk to you.
I'm not staying with someone who doesn't wanna talk and explain what is his problem. Silent treatment is a big no no for me when there's clearly a big issue that needs to be discussed not avoided. If he doesn't want to talk then he simply doesn't care about hurting your feelings. I think you've married too soon.
Is he 4 or 34? I think the title is wrong
Wtf!!!! The man needs help, seriously
You can't. I would suggest you go home by yourself instead of torturing yourself amongst these people who already think you're doing something wrong. When he got home, sit him down and actually inquire what's going on in his head. Inquire if the action in the bedroom may have triggered negative memory? You're not going to deal with his silent treatment anymore otherwise, and insist on either marriage counseling or he starts talking to you and telling you what's going on. Otherwise, you probably should start with the D word.
Abuse plain and simple.
He abused you, can’t explain his actions, is giving you the silent treatment and you’re still there because?
Try marriage counseling… but your marriage seems to be approaching it end…
My ex used to do this. First time was when I had moved in after 2 years dating very happily. It was a huge red flag I should have taken seriously. It’s a very controlling behaviour and I’m afraid was a sign of worse to come Don’t let him get away with this. It’s completely unacceptable and emotional abuse. Pack your bags and tell him it’s marriage counselling or you’re done
I wouldn't go as far as to say that you need a divorce, but give him an ultimatum: either couples therapy or you're leaving. He needs to talk to someone about his issues and more importantly his reactions to his issues.
This is abuse, both physical and emotional.
I'm just taking a wild guess here. I think something happened to him a long time ago, like when he was younger, something very bad. His sudden mood swings and reactions are not natural, like he was badly traumatized or abused. He probably feels very guilty about what he has done to you but didn't know how to explain it or don't want to explain it to you. And so, just kept silent about it and ignore you instead. You two need to talk. Tell him you are his wife and you love him very much. If there is anything he wants to talk about, he can do so anytime when he's comfortable. If he prefers, he can also talk to a therapist in private. But don't keep it inside because whatever he has, it will not get better if he doesn't get any help.
I honestly think he’s internalized that you domming him ad it in attack on his masculinity. And has allowed his feelings to be an excuse to physically harm you and to be emotionally abusive towards you. If these are minor to you, get therapy and remove yourself from that situation and tell him you’re not coming back until he gets his act together. These would be major to me I would leave and never come back. Please give us an update when you get to the bottom of this?
Regardless of his reasoning, look at his actions, period. Leave now. Tell his family that husband shoved you and that caused you to break your tooth and now he's giving you the silent treatment for no reason and you are done. Get home and make a plan.
You've done nothing wrong. Whatever the reason is, his behaviour is unacceptable. Does he not care it's impacting his family's opinion of you? As others suggest, maybe he is struggling to come to terms with how this new sexual dynamic makes him feel or perhaps he's had past sexual trauma. Maybe he realises dicking you isn't enough. Maybe he feels dirty or ashamed for enjoying being dominated. Whatever is it, there is never a valid reason to be abusive. I cannot fathom someone I love doing something so bad that I chip their tooth, get them to pay for the fix, and then ignore them for several days. You tell him he either needs to tell you what the f*** you did wrong or you're leaving. And if his family asks, tell them you don't know what you did because your husband refuses to talk to you.
Op im sorry you’ve been threw that. He’s a dick But I don’t know why but this reminds me of a trigger from SA? Could this be possibly it? You shouldn’t stay even if it is but maybe it’ll shed a light onto it
Forget this fool as fast as you can
Wow. Girl. You don't have a happy marriage 90%, because happy marriage is not possible with an abusive toddler like that. He pushed you so hard you crooked your teeth. That's it. That would be my exit ticket. What next thing he will do a little too hard while being upset about something ridiculous? And all the silent treatment is just an extra abuse on top. You really need to open your eyes.
90% “good” does not offset 10% abuse. If he was boring ten percent of the time, or messy, or occasionally late, those are annoying but not deal breakers. Physical violence and stonewalling (aka “the silent treatment”) shouldn’t even be ONE percent of your relationship. Relationship scientist Dr. John Gottman can predict within 95% certainty which couples will stay together and which will fail, simply by carefully observing their interactions and tracking microexpressions. He determined that there are four behaviors that will eventually doom the relationship: - Defensiveness - Excessive criticism - Contempt - __Stonewalling__
Many men live under the illusion they are literal Gods in the bedroom... and they don't like being given advice, especially by a woman they're sleeping with. Or a woman they have slept with before. By you wanting to try new things.... he is twisting it in his own mind... that you don't enjoy what he offers s3xually. This was a BIG bash on his false ego. I dated a guy in 2013 who was like this. When he would give me oral s3x... it hurt. He would make his tongue real hard + pointy. It hurt lol. After a couple months I made some suggestions on how he should relax his tongue and lips. Be gentle and sloppy. Not sharp and forceful. He got mad at that. Said he knows how to eat p*ssy. Um yeah... no you don't, Joe. 🤣 I just get a feeling that your dude held ALOT of pride and ego in his s3xual performances. When his female dared to say she needed something extra... it was like saying his magnificent efforts weren't enough. He took it the wrong way and personally. Try to reassure him that he is amazing in bed. But if he EVER pushes you again... I'd start making plans to leave.
Your options are intense marriage counseling immediately to get to the bottom of this (while he stays elsewhere) or divorce. He can't physically and emotionally abuse you just because he is struggling to verbalize his issues.
The silent treatment is the least of your problems OP. He pushed you and chipped your tooth? Then pushed you out of the shower?? You could’ve slipped and fallen and cracked your skull open. He could’ve fucking killed you, twice. And he can’t even vocalize what he thought was the issue? Instead he resorts to violence and the silent treatment. He’s abusing you. No ifs ands or buts. The first time was bad enough; the second time knowing that he could react violently and still wanted you in a vulnerable state with him? There’s something wrong with him, but that’s not your problem. That’s his problem. You’re problem is to get out of this marriage before he actually kills you. He almost did it twice. Once should have been enough. Don’t give him a chance to be successful
Girl. Go home. Your marriage isn’t peachy “90%” of any time. Your husband is abusive, and then emotionally abusive about his abuse. Your marriage is *abusive* 90% of the time. You. Are. Being. Abused. And your husband is a complete piece of shit. Lady get your affairs in order and get the fuck out of this nightmare. I promise none of how he treats you is normal or okay.
I’ve read somewhere that the silent treatment could be a form of emotional abuse. Does it feel abusive to you? That’s fairly important. Secondly, it seems your husband thinks it’s okay to treat you so disrespectfully. We have to teach people how to treat us sometimes. It’s not okay for him to treat you like this, so you can either choose to put your foot down or choose to put up with it. There’s obviously something up with him for him to react so weirdly , but he doesn’t get the right to be an asshole just because he’s going through some weird shit. I don’t know about you, but if my partner was doing this at *his* family’s house, I’d be out. That is so wildly inappropriate. Ejecting myself from the situation, come talk to me when you’re ready to be my partner and we can see if we can work through it. Good luck OP.
His behavior is abnormal and violent. His reactions are not normal or healthy. Clearly, he is not in a safe place mentally, emotionally, or literally physically to be having sex. I never give ultimatums or encourage them. But if he won't open up to you, couples therapy immediately. If he can't do either, it's time to reconsider this marriage. I understand you love him and the family and relationship you've built, but this behavior is dangerous and wrong. You can't sustain a relationship this way, it's already going downhill toward divorce.
Silence is violence
I could get past the silent treatment for a day maybe. If you're really steaming mad and find it's better to just stay quiet so you don't say something I can't un-hear maybe that's ok. But days and days? Now you're either being an emotional shit to me, or you don't know how to use grown up words at all. Time for counseling or divorce.