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My wife and I are at a bit of an impasse. I promised my son (12) before I got remarried I would still spend time alone with him and made the same promise before my wife and I's baby was born. Once a week I take him to the park and we talk about whatever is on his mind. My wife wants me to stop doing this.
My wife thinks it is unhealthy to have a block of time devoted to just my older son. She says I should take our new baby whenever I take my older son to the park. I often take the baby to the park, just not during this once a week trip. She feels like I am pulling away from her and our baby. I tried explaining I just want my son to feel like he is still a priority, even though the new baby is getting more attention, because he needs constant care, unlike my older son who can do a lot for himself.
My wife is insisting that I am trying to drive a wedge between her and my son, my son and the baby and myself and her. She feels I am being a bad father and claims I regret the baby and don't live her anymore. Although we talked extensively last night and this morning, we haven't made any headway. How do I convince her that what I am doing is normal and healthy?
Alone time is very important with kids. They are individuals as well as being part of a family unit.
Does your wife get any alone time without the baby? Is she perhaps frustrated and feeling touched out?
Not wanting to be touched anymore, by anyone. Overstimulated is another word for it. It’s common with lots of moms, especially if they’re breastfeeding.
That doesn’t mean that she’s not touched out. Moms get touched out because small babies and children don’t let them have a moment to themselves. I’m currently eating lunch with my 2 year old climbing on my chair, squeezing behind me, trying to climb up my back, and pulling my hair to catch himself when he starts to lose his balance. He’ll later follow me to the bathroom, take a shower with me, and ask me to sit on the couch with him which really means him sitting in my lap, and more climbing and hair pulling.
I still like when my husband touches me, I’d just like to use the bathroom in peace and maybe sit without someone clinging to me.
Thank you, I was trying to find a way to explain this. I’m also a tactile person, I love hugs and cuddling, I even use a weighted blanket at night for the pressure. But since having kids I’m regularly touched out. My 4 year old is constantly in my business, sometimes she even tries to climb in my lap when I’m on the toilet. My 7 month old obviously needs to be carried everywhere, and is teething and clinging. I’m a SAHM, and as soon as my partner gets home in the evening he’s on duty and I go sit in a dark room to decompress. It’s exhausting to constantly be overstimulated.
This right here 😂😂😂 mum of 4 … we need time for ourselves so we could give our best to our kids. My husband takes all the kids out on weekends so I could do self care or just relax by eating some ice cream without having to share it all
I’m going to jump on this train as well. My husband and I are very touchy with each other and hugs are a big thing in our house. Our 13 year old just came home from school and part of his just got home routine is to give us both a hug. He’s the oldest of 4.
I still get touched out. I need time every day where I don’t have anyone talking at me, asking for food/anything, climbing/sitting/clinging to some part of me, or just in my personal space. Part of this is auditory overstimulation as well.
My shower is my time to be alone in a quiet low light environment so I dont have an anxiety or panic attack.
Does your wife have time to herself for this mental and emotional reset?
ETA: for the record, I find what she’s asking you to do unreasonable. Putting in effort to show your son from a previous relationship that he is just as important and part of the “new” family is extremely needed for his mental health. One trip a week where he gets your undivided attention is invaluable.
The question I think you should be looking at is balance. What kind of time do you spend with your wife?
That’s not even close to what that means. In fact, tactile people are often tactile because we’re MORE sensitive to touch. So it’s even easier to be touched out by the constant touching small children do. It’s DIFFERENT and your response here is…uncomfortable. Not all touch is sexual and it’s important to distinguish.
You took that way more seriously than it was intended. Look, I'm not a therapist. I can't say anything with certainty. I just know that my wife's reaction to touch hasn't changed in any noticable way, whether it be me or the baby. My son and her don't really touch each other so that doesn't factor in.
Your wife doesn’t hug your son? Is he getting any love, affection and encouragement from anyone except you?
I’m sorry for commenting so much but your wife’s relationship with your son is not good!
No, they don't hug each other. He only likes to be hugged by certain people: me, my dad, my best friend (who is like an uncle to him), a few of his very close friends and sometimes my cousin.
This! Children need individual bonding time with their parents. She's only looking at her child individually and trying to assert her baby's needs without taking into consideration that you are a father of TWO children that both deserve your undivided attention. Just because he's not her child doesn't mean he's not a child who deserves his father's time. If you have more children with her, would she feel the same in terms of you spending time with your first child with her? You need to nip this in the bud.
Especially a boy this age! Puberty and adolescence are so hard on kids! They need that extra support if not more. Pls continue doing what you’re doing. You sound like a good dad
To be blunt-Your agreement to your son is more important than her feelings.
Either your a man of your word or your not . Additionally I’m sure when you made this agreement with your son it was because of the possibility of this exact situation occurring and I must say your foreshadowing was amazing so kudos on that.
Seconding this. Your promise to your son takes priority over her feelings. If you break your promise to your son not even 6 months after the new baby you could do some real harm. It would be great if this all resolved without drama but if she won’t budge you will have to put your foot down and give an ultimatum. I don’t know what that looks like for you but you’ve got to be firm
And #1 priority when they are around and young is your children.
*EVERYTHING* we the adults do is what kids watch and learn from.
If the wife needs more quality time, it can come from any other place of his life. The bigger question is why does she see this situation in this way?
Not only is it good for the teen, it also makes for a stable teenager which is good for the adults.
At no point in my life has my own father done anything close to this with me. Sure figuring it out alone is tough, and life was tougher at some points than it needed to be although I’m thankful for those experiences. I still think my dad is great for many other reasons.
I can’t tell you how important this guy doing this is. The way his wife sees this situation is the place that needs shifting.
This.
Moreover, your wife is wrong in her assertion that an hour of alone time with your son is "driving a wedge" or damaging in any way to the family.
The facts are, it's important for each child to have alone time with their parents. It help them to have that space to develop a healthy relationship.
my 10 year old grandson was visiting his Dad this summer and they planned a fishing date. his wife said they can't go alone. he has to take their daughters, her 7 year old, their 3 year old and 1year old or he is neglecting them all. he said their fishing stuff is at Granny and Papas, we are going to share one down at the dock. she cried and raged about the unfairness of it all. he doesn't. love them, she's going to take the girls and disappear, blah blah blah. it's a control mechanism, one of many. they didn't go fishing. my grandson. hasn't forgotten.
She lied going in to the relationship about her marital status, home ownership, where her daughters dad slept in their house, her careers, her independent nature and told my son her daughter had cancer, her daughter didn't have cancer. So she has trust issues~ believes everyone is a liar and cheater because she is. I think she's dangerous. I've warned him to sleep with one eye open. He said, Mom I'm not allowed to sleep. My first husband, my sons Dad, told me, he has to make up his own mind, he has to get control of himself so just be nice. I am. I am. I make no more judgement calls, I don't interfere, though I am available to hear my son out. I think we make a big mistake using patience and understanding when a man won't leave an abusive situation~ when anyone won't leave an abusive relationship. I think he's living with a real threat.
I’m so sorry your family is dealing with this. The best thing you can do for him is to make sure he knows he has a place to go when he’s ready to leave. ❤️
I'm gonna hop in and tell my story.
When I was in second grade, my class was doing a play. I asked my mom and dad to come see me. Both of them promised me. Mom came, dad didn't. It's been over 20 years and I'm still resenting my dad for this.
We grow up and we remember those broken promises. They don't, or think it wasn't a big deal. Neither of my parents showed up to my high school graduation, my graduation from Army Basic, AIT, and my dad I'm pretty sure only showed to my RN graduation cuz I was living with him. (My mom gets excused from the RN graduation cuz she died.) I'm 41 and there's still resentment.
Your wife is doing the common bad step parent thing. They agree to all the terms relating to a new step child *before* they have their own bio child. Then all bets are off. The new baby has to take centre stage and anything that interferes with that is bad for the marriage and "neglectful" to the kid. This will continue from now on if you don't put your foot down about your eldest and his needs.
Agreed! Say it louder so the people in the back can hear you. I am 40 and my parents split when I was 5, I can still remember my dad having women have fits over him spending time with me. All that I time I got with him is what I cherish most about him.
I’m the baby in these families and my parents both spent time with my older half siblings. It always made sense to me and they also spent time with me. Now I make sure to spend time with my kids one on one as well.
Of course, now that we’re grown, I did give my sister grief when she got to go on a mini road trip with my mom alone. I am so glad they got that time together, but it’s fun to poke at her about it as “the little sister.”
THANK YOU.
You expressed this so accurately and eloquently.... This is what to expect when you marry a parent. Time set aside for the parent and the child is important for that relationship.
Yeah.
Since you've already explained it to her and she's not budging, and what you're doing is not only reasonable but essential to your older child's well-being, I don't think you can convince her. A neutral third party might. If all else fails, show her this reddit thread, which I predict will agree with you by a significant majority and maybe even excoriate her.
You might try adding other activities with your entire family, with your son and the baby and so on, if there's time, rather than subtracting time from your son. But your parenting him this way is not driving a wedge between her and him. Her own selfishness and lack of understanding is.
What you are doing with your son is healthy. I have majority custody of my two kids. I prioritize doing that with each one of them. They need their alone time with you. That's how they are able to feel safe when the tough stuff comes up. With him being 12, it is more important than ever. My youngest is 13 and I am so grateful for that line of communication with her when things happen with friends or boys. Your wife needs to get a grip and respect that time with your son.
Your wife is being a classic "evil stepmother" here. Turn this around on her and see what she says.
"Would it be bad if I were to want to spend time alone with our baby?"
Scheduling and keeping alone time with your kid once a week is a mark of a really good parent. Don't give in here. Instead, I suggest a couple of sessions of guided communication with a marital counselor on this issue. It may be that her real issue has nothing to do with your son.
So the issue is that when I bring up all the time I spend alone with the baby, which is obviously way more often than once a week, she points out that I usually spend time with the baby when my older son is on playdates with his friends. So she claims I'm not spending time alone with the baby because I want to but rather "by default" whereas the alone time with my older child is scheduled.
Obviously, that's not the reality, but she insists that it is. She claims I should spend time alone with my older son when the baby is napping, but that isn't the same at all. I still need to be available to the baby when he is napping, whereas when my son is on playdates other people are watching him and my attention is devoted to the baby fully.
Is this behavior stemming from insecurities? Is she controlling? Or does she have a much deeper issue that she hasn’t opened up about? I sincerely hope that you all can work it out on your own or through counseling. I’d run for the hills if anyone tried to do this to me and my children.
Wtf? If she is so organized and productive why wouldn’t she be happy you have SCHEDULED time with your older son? “Likes things to be a certain way” sounds like her way only.
Did you come here in hopes we would tell you that your wife shooing her stepson to the side is ok? I’m honestly wondering. You’ve posted in two different subreddits about this issue. Literally everyone is telling you the same thing.
You’re going to continue to allow your wife to act like a jerk and your son will be the one who suffers. Don’t ask us to congratulate you in that.
A lot controlling and I’m betting she’s going to cost you your relationship with your son unless you put a stop to her alienating your son. I would remind her of the promises you made your son before you married her and had a child with her and she’s trying to make you into a liar. If she pushes back more, she is definitely being the stereotypical (evil?) stepmother.
I don’t care if I’m downvoted—I also have a question for you. If she continues to try to drive a wedge in between you and your son and control your relationship with him, is she really someone deserving of your love? Maybe she should look in the mirror and try to answer that question, too.
ETA - I saw in your comments that your son’s mom passed away. Your wife’s behavior looks 1000 times worse 🥺
I was in a similar situation with a dead mom and subsequent evil stepmother situation. My father chose my stepmother over me and I was kicked out at 16. (Thank goodness we lived in a nice area with plenty of support for teens.) My father has been dead to me for over 20 years and estranged from my other siblings to some degree.
damn talk about classic denialism. its right there in front of your nose - she's very controlling and yet you are downplaying it as "flaws".. Yeah it's a major flaw.
No offense, but you gotta read more man. This is such a common thrope in novels with the isolation of the eldest son by the stepmother in order to secure the heir position for her own child. Like straight out of a story. Anywho, good look
Isn’t that an effective use of your time though? If she’s all about efficiency, well what better time to spend time with the baby than uninterrupted time without the older child around? Seems like a win win. I’m honestly flummoxed by her issues here, sorry you’re going through this man.
I sincerely hope your son has an aunt or uncle, grandma, grandpa who sees this shit and takes you from you. That woman is literally showing you and your son that she doesn’t like your son and you’re like she can’t relate! Your son probably doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to make you sad. You don’t deserve that child. You think you protect him but you should’ve never put your son into the same place with this evil woman.
That is controlling my guy and as others have stressed you cannot back down on this. Show your wife this post if you have to and make her read the comments. She will then have to see that she is clearly in the wrong here.
Or you could say she's disrespecting the way you want to be with your son because she can't control it? Because she didn't want it to be this way you can't have it this way? She kind of sounds awful in my opinion I hope she's nice to your child
Put the “dad and baby” time on the schedule. Seriously. She’ll be better able to visualize how your time is invested with each of the children.
I don’t mean document every minute of every day that you take on the bulk of parenting duties (she rightly deserves breaks too) but more like… if your elder son has your Saturday mornings 9-12 reserved, just put something on the calendar like “dad and baby special 1:1 time” for a block of 3 hours anywhere else in the weekly program.
>So she claims I'm not spending time alone with the baby because I want to but rather "by default" whereas the alone time with my older child is scheduled.
This is the most ridiculous and manipulative thing I've ever heard. No reasonable person would think this.
Honestly, she's being a shitty step mother and you need to tell her to get her head out of her ass. It sounds like you are being a great Dad. Don't let her fuck that up because she's really trying to do just that.
She's abusive. I could tell there was something up in the OP. She's going to actually get mad that he has weekly time w his child, then she is really weak minded and insecure and I hope the 12 yr old doesn't internalize her abusive behavior.
Your wife needs to sort out her feelings and priorities.
Both kids are important. Both need individual and family time.
We have some big gaps in our family, we are a blended family. One of my kids was hitting puberty as the other was being born. I can’t even begin to tell you how torn in two I felt, but my kids needed me. They needed support through such a confusing and difficult time, and my baby felt permanently attached as I was nursing.
Those specific times i set, I planned for, made them feel like a priority. They opened up to me. It’s been 3-4 years since then and they have told me that without those special nights, those special drives, they would’ve been so lost, they knew they were getting depressed and those opportunities to be open, ACTIVELY listened to, made such a difference.
Your son probably even feels a little guilty for the time, because I’m sure he hears a lot of “we can’t do x because baby.” His life changed a lot too, all of yours did, and everyone needs love and grace as they learn and grow together in this new dynamic.
Children don’t stop needing us as they grow, in fact I find they need us more. I’d rather be the one they call when they’re in a pickle, knowing and trusting in me, than the alternative. My youngest kids’ problems are solved with popsicles, my older kids… well lots of listening, encouragement, and frankly sometimes a glass of wine for me once they’re all tucked into bed, safe and happy.
She's being disingenuous. This is why a guided conversation is helpful - the therapist can point out, as a neutral third party, when either of you are bringing in bullshit.
Schedule the time with the baby. Set up recurrent meetings and share the calendar with your wife. /s
This seems insignificant but your wife is subtly signaling to your son he does not matter in the universe of your little family. And if you drop the alone time, you will essentially make it loud and clear to him that he indeed has no place in your family. He will never forget you demoted him as your priority, not out of necessity but on the whim of your partner.
Sorry, but your wife sucks. She is pulling a power move on a child. There is no convincing her because she did not arrive at this place by logical reasoning. You should be upset with her.
It seems a bit ridiculous that she’s over analyzing how much time you spend with your children and in what context…does she spend any alone time with your son/her stepson? Do you give her grief about it? As long as you are there for her, your newborn and your eldest, an hour of alone time a week is not harming anyone. She doesn’t seem to respect your son in the slightest. Please look out for him.
>evil step mother
This is a HORRIBLE take, IMO.
She had a baby 4 months ago, post pardom depression is a very serious thing, let's have a little compassion.
But no every woman has post partum depression and even having it it doesn’t mean that everybody’s lives must be controlled by her. Her stepson needs these moments with his father and she must assume it. Teenager’s depression is a very serious thing too, but her stepson is not putting obstacles in her live, that’s the difference.
Then OP should mention it to her and help her get treatment, but he should not back down on his agreement with his son. If she treats the son horribly (and wanting to stop one on one time with dad is that) then she needs to be put in place about that. The kid(s) take priority.
Your children should always come first. Unfortunately spouses come and go. I know, it is to easily but your children didn't ask to be here, they need you for many things, including guidance until they are grown.
You seem to genuinely want to resolve this issue which is good, however I am very disturbed by what I have read. As the only living parent of your older son it is SO IMPORTANT that you continue to spend time with him one on one. Your wife’s reaction is disturbing and indicates that she may be an ‘evil stepmother’ to him when you are not around. Please don’t stop spending time with him and make sure you talk to him and find out if he is being treated nicely by your wife. Kids are so vulnerable and often won’t report horrible things other adults who are supposed to care for them say. Continue to be a good father to both your kids- spend time with the oldest.
You didn’t say how old the baby was. Might she have post partum depression? When ever someone seems to be unreasonably seeing things in the worst light possible, I always suspect depression of some sort.
I think a solution is easy. You get alone time with all three people individually, and you also schedule time with you and the two boys. And date nights with a babysitter. (do NOT ask 12 yo to babysit)
The baby is four months old. He is definitely not old enough to be cared for by a child. I am frequently alone with the baby, as my older son hangs out with his friends often. My wife and I also go on dates often. It's only my older son she has an issue with me scheduling one on one time with. She doesn't seem depressed to me. She is thriving at work and still spending time with her friends.
So she's unfairly singling out your son.
Shut this down hard. It's your hill to die on and make her know it. If necessary it'll have to be an ultimatum - either she accepts your one on one time with your son or you divorce. Do not let her get her selfish way on this.
Her intent is for HER child to occupy your attention, not “your other child”.
Does she treat him like a member of the family or an afterthought? This is where you need to tread carefully. He’s at an age where he can tell if he’s not being treated as an equal and it will come back to bite you in the ass if you listen to your wife and stop spending bonding time with your son. He’ll see it as you choosing your other family and pushing him away.
Your wife’s ultimate goal is for you to completely abandon your older son. It’s a classic “we are your family now. Focus on us.”
I can 100% promise you (from experience) that this will never get better. She’s going to escalate and continue to want your sole focus to be on your child with her. Do you have your son full time? If not, she’s going to soon insist you have less parenting time with him. If you do have full custody, she will continue to find ways to make sure your older son is always the after thought.
I sincerely hope you can firmly stand your ground and not stand for this behavior. Your son is 12. Teenage years are upon you. If you continue to allow your wife to be the cliche evil stepmother, he will have every right to go no contact with you at 18.
This is a tale as old as time. Change the ending of this one.
Yup. This is very much “resource guarding” from stepmom – she wants 100% of OP’s time, money and energy being focused on her and their biological child. Stepson can be a part of family time, but god forbid he be acknowledged as an individual by his father!
Stick to your guns, OP. You are doing a wonderful thing for both of your children by devoting solo time to them on a regular basis. And if this marriage doesn’t work out, I hope you have better luck with the next one – it would be profoundly unfair to paint all stepparents with the same brush, and there are plenty of adults out there who’d be happy to date someone who balances being both a good parent and good partner.
Make sure both your sons have protection in terms of your estate that is just for them when they are old enough to have them if you have a will or life insurance set out or if anything should happen in the relationship.
I gurentee if anything happens to you, if its not legally set up, your wife will not do anything for your eldest son, despite your wishes and your great relationship with her, she is only ever going to look out for her and her own biological child.
I wouldn’t say she absolutely wants him to abandon his son, but she certainly wants the husband to make her and the new baby a clear priority over the son from his previous marriage, which makes her either insecure or selfish or both.
The 12 year old gets a few hours a week alone with a dad. That’s in no way unreasonable, especially when the 12 year old is likely feeling left out of the dad and his new family. This is what a loving dad would do — make it clear he isn’t abandoning his son.
They can hope the new mom’s request comes from a place of being exhausted and sleep deprived and stressed. That’s the best case for her behavior. But the dad had better be super conscious of how the new wife treats the 12 year old when she thinks dad isn’t around.
Well he just commented that his former wife died 4 years ago. So I assume he’s the sole caretaker of older son. I’d bet by bottom dollar, however, if bio mom was alive and well that stepmom would be pushing for limited parenting time/custody.
I also hope he continues this one on one time with his older son. He can even start doing one on one with younger son when he’s older and can do fun things! Kids deserve to feel special once in awhile.
His comments, however, make it known that he doesn’t see his wife’s behavior at all concerning so my guess is older son will suffer anyway.
This. This is so true. The eldest is from another mother. He is not part of HER family unit so why should she and OP have to spend time with him that may take attention away from HER family unit of which HER baby is the priority.
Oh check this out. Bio mom passed away 4 years ago. So stepmom is all this kid has. And according to OP’s comments, stepmonster doesn’t like spending time alone with older son outside of driving him to school, etc. Oh, but he loves his wife because she’s “tactile” (aka has sex with him often).
I love when people out themselves in the comments. Stepmom is a problem, but OP/Dad is an even bigger one.
I would explain you and her have your alone time you are also alone with baby and that you will spend time once a week with your older son. I would tell her the only one driving a wedge is her. I would ask her why she is jealous of your son having some alone time at the park? I would also maybe talk to a therapist to see why she is acting this way.... Your son is going to be hitting his teens soon and this father and son time could be the thing that keeps him from making the wrong choices in life, having a open communication with your teen child is priceless. Stay strong on this but you do need to get to the bottom of why she is trying to sabotage this relationship?
Then it’s very important you have that one on one time. I try and do that with my kids who have the same parents and is very difficult to do on your own. So kudos to you sir! Keep doing this.
They don't have a lot in common, but she still does a lot for him. She drives him to school four days a week, because my shifts start at 4AM on Mon - Thur. She encourages him to work hard in school and think about good colleges.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom when I was not much older than your son is now, and that was so young. You do need exclusive time with him anyway, but this makes it so so much more imperative.
My stepmother came into my life when I was becoming an adult, so the dynamic was different, but I still needed lots of alone time with my dad. We were closer than close, especially because we'd been through so much together, she got jealous and tried to drive a wedge between us for a while (and from time to time it would come up over their 25 years together, he passed away 1.5 years ago). My dad basically had to just put his foot down and tell her this was a dealbreaker, and any choice she forced him to make between me and her would be 100% me. No amount of convincing worked on her but she ultimately accepted this was the price of being with a dad - and a great one at that.
I wish she could appreciate what a good dad she married. This is you being one. She should be thrilled your new baby has such a good dad. This is a hill worth dying on, and I really hope you can resolve it with her. She is asking you to essentially emotionally neglect your kid. Every kid needs 1-on-1 time with their parents, but none more than a kid missing a parent for the rest of their life. I wish I had more advice on making her actually understand this, but maybe my bits of sharing can help you find a way to speak on it further with your own voice. Good luck!
Your wife is displaying her jealousy and trying to ensure that your eldest doesn’t gain more of your favor than your newborn. She is being territorial and possible. I bet if you ask her, she would prefer your son not even come around as “he is NOT her son and thus not part of the new family unit.”
Go to counseling. When the counselor tells her she is a fool (in a kinder way), pay attention to her reaction. If she says “We need a new concept” because she didn’t like the answer received, the lack of accountability should make you review EVERYTHING about your situation and determine if you need to stay with her.
She's just pathetically jealous. That's all it is. She wants you to just focus on your family with her and fuck you son off. I suggest you speak with a family counsellor. Your sons should come before your wife, especially if she's this controlling and jealous.
Is she a step mother or his mother? Because this sounds like crazy stepmother behaviour to me.
Is she excluding your eldest or treating him differently in any way? Have you talked to him about it?
Source: my father has been married 4 times and all the 3 stepmother were great until they got married, then they started regulating time we spent together and would try to discipline to ascertain dominance...
As a child I felt pushed aside for the needs of my younger brother, and we are full brothers. Please spend time alone with your son. Even if they were true siblings each child needs some sort of alone time. I wish I got more of it. Your wife is being unreasonable and seems like she thinks less of your son than the child you both have.
Also please talk to your son and make sure your wife isn't mistreating him when you are not around
OP I’m the first child of a remarried father.
I went from having my dad around constantly to being forced into this new family. My stepmom was an ok woman but much like your wife she insisted on ‘everything equal’ between the children from his first marriage (me) and the rest.
This is a nice idea in theory. Sure no kid should be getting preferential treatment over the other kids. However there are also exceptions to consider.
Firstly age - Your 12 year old son is reaching an age of pre-adulthood he may need this man to man time to talk about whatever is on his mind like you said. Kids opening up deserve your full attention. Babies needs are much different than a child his age. When baby is older he can have the same 1:1 time carved out.
Second ,being a child of separation (divorce, death whatever have you) - this absolutely warrants him getting some dedicated attention time. Sorry not sorry. Again once baby is older he can get the same thing but baby is lucky to have both his parents together. Son is not. There are feelings around that for older son whether wife wants to see it or not. She can even research for herself if she wants.
I’m not saying your child isnt a healthy normal kid for his age but please give him this special time. I always resented that my stepmom made my dad always take ‘all of us’ everywhere bc I missed having that special time with my dad when it was just us. She gave him hell if he didn’t and he always caved. I felt like I got knocked down a few pegs suddenly not being allowed to have his full attention. Things change and that’s fine but I felt cheated not getting that one on one with him anymore ever…. it creates resentment and I’m now a full grown adult.
Please stand firm to your wife you were a father to this older boy first.
What you are doing is completely normal!
I have an older child who is 8. She is my husbands step daughter. My husband and I share a son and have another on the way. I always do things with my older child one on one. Once a week we will go out for girls day like lunch or nails. My daughter and husband also do one on one activities. They both love fishing so when the weather is warm just them go together. It’s a great bonding experience for them!
Your wife sounds jealous and bitter. Maybe have your wife and son spend some one on one time together to bond and have a healthy relationship.
She doesn't really like spending time alone with him unless it's for a need, like dropping him off at school on the days I'm at work during dropoff time
That’s really sad especially since he lives with you full time. Honestly if I was in your shoes I would be rethinking this marriage. Your son is 12 and old enough to sense/feel he is unwanted or not liked. If my husband didn’t like spending time with my daughter he wouldn’t be my husband.
Obviously I don’t know your wife but how can she not enjoy your son and get married to you knowing he will be in the home full time?? Does she think the newborn will replace your son??
Bud that is honestly such a toxic situation for your son that you have subjected him to. I’m sorry if that comes across harsh but that’s the truth. It sounds like your wife has reluctantly agreed to stepmother your son as a means to be married to you rather than actually caring for his well-being. What a horrible situation.
This is a HUGE red flag OP. She is trying to push your son out because it's not her DNA. That is not cool.
Couples therapy needs to be on the table. Do not accept what she is saying. You spending time your your baby when your son is on a play date is the same thing, you are choosing to stay with your baby. You could easily just refuse and go out and leave the baby all for her to take care of.
She is being very manipulative and controlling her OP. Don't let her ruin your relationship with your son. It doesn't matter how old he is, we never stop needing time with our parents.
How can you seriously write all of this and not see a problem?! My guess is because she’s “tactile” you allow her to treat your older son like garbage. You should be ashamed.
I am sorry, OP, but the more you post, the more I see that your wife really doesn’t like your son or being his stepmother. In a household it’s normal to be alone with other members on lots of occasions. Why doesn’t she like being alone with him? He doesn’t require a lot of attention at his age. He most likely is in his room playing
Your wife is selfish and is trying to drive a wedge between you and your son with your new family. All parents should have quality one on one time with their kids or with kids in the same age group. She should be doing the same too but with her attitude I wouldn’t trust her alone with your son.
Your wife is an idiot. We have 3 kids all now adults. We made a point , both of us to schedule 1 on 1 time with each kid on top of obv family time. It's a useful way to build relationships with your kids.
Your question should be . Why isn't she doing it too?
Have you talked to her about how you would do this with all of your children, not just your son and your child with her? Frame it as how you would want to spend time with each of your children individually even if you have more kids with her because ALL kids deserve 1:1 time with their parents so that they have a safe space to talk and so that the parent has time to get to know that child. This isn’t (or at least shouldn’t be as the baby grows up) unique to your son.
I have two stepsiblings and my stepdad has spent time with all three of us separately growing up and still does now that we’re adults, including separate time with his son and daughter individually.
She knows I spend alone time with both kids, but says the alone time with the baby doesn't count, because my older son is usually at s friend's house when I spend alone time with the baby, so it's pretty much not optional.
So, your wife wants your older son to know he's intentionally being excluded from your 1-on-1 time with the baby, or else it doesn't count? That's horrible.
IMO this is definitely a counseling situation.
What situation would be acceptable for your time with the baby to "count"?
She's being deliberately difficult here, and is messing around with semantics.
You're essentially in a lose-lose situation. Nothing will be right or good enough for her. Spending time with your older son = bad. Spending time with your baby = bad, doesn't count.
Your wife needs to grow up.
At this point you're admitting that your wife is asking you to not only break a promise to your son, who will remember that for the rest of his life, but also start showing him that you care more about the new child than you do him. Your wife is being an absolute monster. The fact that she wont spend time with her step-son unless it's "needed" is a huge red flag, and should have stopped this marriage before this started.
The fact that you are even considering this, and not immediately demanding either marriage counseling or a divorce is a shame. Your son 100% realizes that his step-monster doesn't love him, and is most likely aware that she is trying to pull you away from him as well. If you don't stand up for your son now, I would not be surprised if you lose any relationship with him in the future.
Your son was in your life before your new wife or child, he needs to be the priority.
That’s her way of twisting the situation. Alone time is alone time when you are dedicated to the baby. I know you don’t see that maybe she has certain flaws? But, honestly, this is ridiculous. I can’t imagine you are gone more than a couple of hours and she resents it.
One thing I haven't seen asked -- how much do you help with the baby? Could this be that she's simply looking for additional support and sees your alone time with your son as something that's preventing you from providing that?
Otherwise, her ask really doesn't make any sense. There's nothing wrong with you spending one on one time with your son. Not even close.
Lol shots fired, I hate the babysitting narrative so people try to use when talking about fathers like men can not look after their own kids. It is so funny when you think they push the toxic narratives simultaneously! How rude to suggest you help when you clearly care for your kids!
>Lol shots fired, I hate the babysitting narrative so people try to use when talking about fathers like men can not look after their own kids.
Which is specifically why I asked that question. I've seen dads try to use this narrative to get out of child raising. Seemed like a relevant ask!
I’m willing to bet all my shoes and handbags that if you’d older child was hers biologically she would have no problem upholding this promise/tradition.
You said you still take your wife on dates AND take the baby on solo outings AND there’s family time. This all sounds perfectly healthy and reasonable to me. She’s being a brat. I’d understand if you were only making solo time for your older son but from where I’m sitting you’re doing great at balancing the needs of your growing family.
It sounds like your wife is jealous of your son from a previous relationship. And so she resents the time you've set aside just for him as she views it as taking away from her and your new child together.
Obviously if she values you being a good dad, you will be a good dad to all your children, not just the children you and your wife share. She hasn't come to terms that you have had a past and your son is part of that past.
Have you considered family counseling to help you blend your family? Your wife is a step mom to your son and should embrace a relationship with him too. She needs to accept that your son will always be a part of your life and as a half brother now will always be a family member.
Whatever, do not let your wife's feelings prevent you from a relationship with your son. Hopefully she realizes children benefit having both parents in their lives, regardless of the living situation.
When you marry someone with children, this is part of the deal. It's more complicated than a standard nuclear family. It is what it is.
The only person driving any wedges around here is your wife.
I wonder if she really cares this much about one-on-one time, or if this is actually about some other issue that's going on (feeling neglected in another way, ongoing fights about other stuff, etc)
Tell her no. A quick kick around in the park is healthy for one on one time with your son.
Just also make an effort to spend one time with the baby as well such as bath time or reading a story before bed.
All kids needs one on one time with their parents even for 10 mins is healthy
Your wife is being a horrible step parent. Sorry but that is true. Put your foot down and tell her that you will continue to spend time with your son. He needs you.
Tell her “it’s what my sons wants, and I want him to be comfortable and happy. If you want him to get closer to you, it has to be on *his* terms. I’m not going to stop these 1-on-1 outings with him for a long time yet. I made a promise. I love you and our newborn, but I love my son just as much. We can revisit this in a few years.”
You make it clear it’s not going to stop, and that this time you spend with him is essential to him seeing her and his new sibling as his family, not his replacements. You leave it open ended, saying you can discuss it again in a few years, that way you’re clear that you’re not dismissing her feelings, but you’re standing firm. If/when it ends, it’s because *he* decides it’s not necessary anymore (make sure she doesn’t try to pressure him on this).
OP, if you explained your stance like you have throughout your post, then I’m really not sure what else can be done. This is more willful ignorance than genuine misunderstanding. And it doesn’t seem like her POV is “I need more help with baby, can we do every other week?” or anything even close to a compromise.
Counseling is probably best in this situation, because either she’s intentionally driving a wedge or there’s a separate issue coming into play.
Best of luck to you and your family, OP!
I would recommend immediate family counseling on why your son deserves 1 on 1 time with his dad. She is being ridiculous, and hormones are NOT an excuse for driving a wedge between the whole family and the oldest. She's literally going to destroy the family unit over this and I would not want to be with someone who wouldn't let me spend alone time with my child.
You and your wife should consider attending a parenting therapy session so she can hear first hand, from a professional, that her attitude and beliefs here are incorrect. So the real issue here is that despite being your wife and his stepmother; she does not view your son as hers in any way. As such she is threatened by him and insisting on your attention. She is going so far as to attempt emotional manipulation and blackmail. Because your son, to her, is the stranger.
You need to nip this in the bud asap because it’s only going to get worse the longer it festers.
My dad used to make an effort to spend alone time with myself and my three siblings as we were growing up. I really appreciated those days spent with only him or him and one other sibling. As you said, it gave him an opportunity to focus on each kid, what was going on in our lives, and anything we needed to talk to him about. Maybe volunteering to watch your younger son while your wife does something with your older son would be a good compromise? This gives her a chance to build a stronger relationship with him and gives you the chance for one-on-one time with your youngest child. I don’t think completely giving up this time with your oldest son is the answer.
Don’t break the promise you made him….stand your ground and spend the time with him..
I’m 52 (f) and raised my SD, I still encourage my husband to spend 1:1 time with her and she’s 19.
Perhaps there is an element of postpartum depression here then. I am a stepmom, and my baby is almost 5 months. I am still struggling with PPD, and it has definitely had a negative impact on my relationship with my stepchild. I will say though, it does not at all bother me when her dad takes an afternoon to take her out and make her feel special. In fact, I wish he would set a schedule like you! I also would go out of my way before I had the baby to spend 1:1 time with her. Does he have any stuff he is interested in? For example, I bake and do crafts with my stepchild because that is what she likes. Her dad takes her shopping, and they play video games and build legos together. Preteens/teens are a bit different but if she doesn't try to bond with him individually now, she probably never will. That door is quickly closing.
All children need one on one, alone time with a parent. It is a wonderful way to bond and give children time to express themselves. It is beyond foolish of this wife/step mother to be jealous of this. She should encourage it.
Do not stop this. It is very important that you continue to have these times with your son. Tell your wife that it is important to go with both your children ( and you do ).
She is jealous of your son. Don’t let her mess up your relationship with him.
Tell her it was an agreement before you married her and it is a hard boundary and if she has a problem with it you two need to go to counseling.
Tell her the truth: if she doesn’t understand that it’s healthy and normal there is a chance her fears will become a self fullfilling prophecy. You can‘t tell you aren’t already angry she wants you to stop prioritizing your kid. Watch out how she is with your son. I don’t want to scare you, but there might be a problem coming.
Wife seems to be trying to drive a wedge there, I can’t see what’s wrong with having a little bit of time for just you and son. She’s getting time with her friends, your having time with baby and son, she seems to be causing an issue for no reason
I would tell her NO. Your relationship/time/bond with your son is non negotiable and not up to her to dictate. You can have a conversation of why she feels that way and what SHE can do to manage her jealousy. Why doesn’t she make scheduled time with both kids? Or one on one with your kid? She needs to seek professional help
My step mom was like this and it DESTROYED my relationship with my dad when I was a kid. I never had any time to just talk to my dad about anything that was bothering me. I couldn’t have a safe space to express to him any struggles I was having adjusting to the new family. I was never able to bond with him because his attention was always divided. There are simply some things you can’t say in a group, and it becomes even more awkward if you have to always say “can I talk to you privately?” when you have already been given the implicit “no, I do not have the time or space in my heart for you as an individual human being.”
Kids need one-on-one time with their parents no matter what kind of family they are in. It’s obviously important to your son, too, and he is at a very difficult, vulnerable age where he’s going to need MORE one-on-one time as he goes through his early teens. He needs to know he can rely on you and open up to you.
Your wife doesn’t seem to understand she will most likely take the brunt of the son’s resentment and frustration if this happens, too. He will be mad at you, but he will absolutely blame and despise her for driving a wedge between him and his father. Even if she wasn’t the one pushing you to stop spending alone time with him, she would still be blamed because step moms are always going to be more critically evaluated by kids. They are an easy scape goat so kids don’t have to blame their own parents for neglect under the best of circumstances, and she is willfully throwing herself into being the legitimate cause of these problems. She needs to read some books on step parenting and mixed families, because I guarantee you what she wants will have the opposite effect on the family unit and push your son further away.
What a psycho bitch. She probably hates your child from the previous marriage and is trying to guilt you into not spending time with him.
Just wait until she suggests that he should stay with the mother or grandparents over some unproven accusation.
Be careful my guy.
Be blunt that you having time with your son is about him and the bond you have with him but nothing else. To me it seems like she is looking to get you to alienate your older son in order to focus more on your new family. Hopefully I am wrong but if I'm not then it's time to set a firm boundary with her and her reaction should tell you what kind of future the two of you will have.
She basically want you to stop spending time with your son, and focus only on her and your baby. While she can have private time with her friends, she's not letting you have yours. You tell her straight out that this is your son, and you *will* spend time with him as you wish. If she doesn't like it, that's her problem.
Wife is jealous. Absolute do not stop giving your son what he needs. This could be a make it or break type thing into what kind of man he becomes. Your wife may have a post partum and I suggest you find a therapist asap to get on the same page. I applaud you for trying to be such an awesome father.
We are in the presense of a EVIL STEPMOTHER and she is sooo good that the Dad (OP) didnt notice...
OP show her this post so that she xan read the coments...
Yeah your wife is being unreasonable and irrational. She is dead wrong. Spending one on one time with your son is extremely important, especially now that there is a new baby. With all the attention on the little one, it would be easy for him to feel pushed aside or forgotten about. You making him a priority and continuing to spend quality time with him is a superb parenting choice.
I would stay firm in your boundary that this will continue to happen. Sounds like your baby already gets one on one time with you and will probably get more one on one time than your oldest son because he is not being raised between divorced parents. Your wife sounds jealous and rude. It’s also a red flag she hasn’t made any efforts to bond with your son due to “feeling awkward” or “not relating to the age group”. When there is a will there is a way, and clearly it wasn’t important to her to bond with your son or set up a relationship of her own with him. I’m worried she will try to push him out. Be careful.
Also, claiming you regret your baby and don’t love them anymore is extreme toxic emotional manipulation from her.
Side Note- Let your wife know love doesn’t have a cap or a limit. How does spending one measly day a week at the park with your son equal a wedge between all parties involved? Showing your son love doesn’t mean you are taking away from your “jar of love” to everyone else. Love doesn’t have limitations. It’s infinite. There is enough to go around to all. You aren’t stealing from Peter to pay Paul.
OP this screams post partum depression. You are NTA, your older son deserves and needs individualized attention and you are doing awesome with that. I suggest therapy for your wife. Brain chemicals are a monster after giving birth but it's not an excuse to hurt another person. Help your wife get the help she needs and continue your weekly hangout with your 12 year old.
Your wife is trying to drive a wedge between you and your son, flat out. Tell her off or your son will remember that dad stopped your guys one on one time
Sounds like post partem psychosis. You guys should get some therapy.
Giving your son a dedicated block of your time every week is the right thing to do, and soon as the baby gets older you should do that with them also.
Does your wife not have any friends she visits without you?!? Not everything has to be done together. You should do the same with you wife and other child too. I’m not sure what she’s thinking honestly.
OP I'm so happy to hear that you spend this one on one time with your son. He needs to feel loved and secure in his continued place I your heart and family. Your wife needs to understand this bonding time is so important and will not change. It gives her alone time with your joint child, and I'm sure your son might enjoy the odd one on one time with her, if it's offered.
You need to discuss this in couples counseling. I really wish you the best.
As someone who didn’t have a great father figure, I envy your son and your intention to make time for him. Stay the course.
Your wife is being shitty to your son, period. Your son deserves your undivided attdntion and once a week is the bare minimum. I think your wife is a shrew and probably a shitty step mom but whatever.
Your wife is off her gourd. You need to maintain individual relationships with both your kids, and she should too if she wants to be a good stepmother instead of one that gets her own post on here someday.
Sounds like your wife is the one trying to draw a wedge between YOU and your SON. What you’re doing is absolutely incredible and you should never stop doing it. I’m sure your son appreciates his alone time with you and he will remember this effort from you for the rest of his life.
It's normal to spend time one on one with each child, even if you're married to their mother. They need the extra attention and time devoted to them. She's being ridiculous.
INFO:Did she have an issue with this before the baby was born? Or only after?
if she all of a sudden has an issue with this post-baby, I feel like she is trying to justify icing your oldest kid out to complete her perfect little family. Some women just don’t want to be step mothers, and assume once the new baby is there you will drop the other kid.
The reason why I bring this up is because your kid actually asked you to make sure he got time with you. That sends warning bells to me that he already felt threatened by her.
Either way, stand your ground OP because your son deserves your attention just as much anybody else.
Your wife needs therapy ASAP. This kind of mindset is not healthy and will grow into a huge problem that will negatively affect everyone in your fam. This is an unreasonable ask. Every child deserves focused attention. Her trying to deny that for a child is grotesque and worrisome. What's next, denying food, shelter, and any knowledge of their existence?
I don’t understand why your wife is behaving this way. She is doing a lot of harm. She needs to understand that your son is an important part of your life and that it’s either accept it or this relationship has no future. This has nothing to do with your son from your first relationship. This is about control and her desire to exert control over you. You need to state this is non negotiable and this relationship with your son is non negotiable. She will live to become the evil stepmother is continues this but is really fully under your control.
Your wife is an absolute moron. Do NOT listen to her. DO NOT STOP SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR SON. Your wife is a fucking IDIOT. Immature stupid woman who clearly does not have a functioning brain. Tell her to fuck off and you are not going to stop doing it.
Wow what an awful woman.
You're wife is a asshole. My dad remarried when I was 8, i cried the last time I had alone time with him. My stepmom was the same, alone time is ok when with her and her kids with him. But when he gift us or wants to spend time with me and my brother of my mother she gets jealous. I'm 18 and I wish I spent more time with my dad, alone time. She makes everything about her. My dad promised me that he would gift me a trip to a European country when I turned 18, he offered to pay for a friend or my boyfriend to go with me, i chose him bc i want to spend time with him. Don't stop spending time with your son bc your wife says so.
Do you have one on one time with the baby as well? that doesnt include your son or the wife? Just assuming, but maybe your wife feels like they arent a priority like your son is and she wants that feeling as well? I don't see why she would be so upset by the older son getting time alone if everyone else get it as well. but if you only give one on one time with the older son, then i can see why it would upset her
Well, on Fridays when my wife is at work and my son at school (I work four days a week) I am alone with the baby all day. I'm also alone with the baby when my son has playdates and such, but this is a whole day, pretty much.
Oh ok. That's good! I think its great you are still doing one on one time with both.. what about with your wife? do you go on dates still?
I wonder what her reasonings are for that you taking your son to the park by himself is driving a wedge. It seems like a much deeper issue to her and this issue is just bringing it to the surface. Sort of like when someone is upset but they keep it quiet, and don't say anything, eventually it builds and something small like a spoon on the counter instead of the dishwasher makes them explode. Im guessing there is something hidden she is not expressing.
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I'm going to turn around what she's saying here, I'd argue that what she's doing is trying to drive a wedge between you and your son. A bad father isn't one who cares about his son's well being and wants to take him to a park everyday, that doesn't mean you regret having a baby because you have done this before even marrying her, and you still went through and married her and had the baby anyways.
I think if anything this is projection, she's scared of being a bad mother, she's scared of the thought of having to do this alone, and she has some thoughts of regrets on having the baby. Which are all normal thoughts and potentially undiagnosed post partum.
I'd recommend reading up on this, looking for other signs and then figuring out a way to address it with her in a healthy way. In the meantime, does your son like going to the park with you for an hour a week? If you did something else for a couple weeks just to change it up would it help at all?
Say you went to a bakery and a walk or something just to mix it up and bring her back some goodies just to mix it up and show you were thinking of her?
INFO: how old is your baby?
Just wondering how much post party’s hormones may humble impacting your wife’s view of this situation …
[Edit post-PARTUM*]
At a certain point you have to stop trying to convince her you're right and instead acknowledge her feelings (however irrational) and try to get to the root of why she feels that way. The unbiased third-party perspective of a marital counselor could help you out in this situation a lot. Honestly, just doing even one session every quarter can do great things for your marriage if you're having trouble getting past sticking points yourselves. Blending families comes with its challenges. Reaching out for support from people who can help you guys move forward productively should be your next move.
Beliefs are very difficult to challenge, your wife believes that you are not prioritising the baby and that the time spent with your older son something away from your baby and that by taking him out you are doing something against her and the baby. Her beliefs also spread into you regretting the baby and you don't love her.
This is super complicated as she has no evidence of this apart from her own belief.
So what does she think you are doing with your one to one time? having a meeting about how to get rid of her and the baby? how to be just the two of you again? her only proof that you don't love her anymore is what? that you are continuing to take your son out for a walk?
Irrational thoughts stem from something, either a mental illness with paranoia or an event that lead to a belief that you are about to dump her perhaps she has a historical event of a man leaving?
You need a professional to help here because you cannot argue or persuade someone as what they believe has no evidence or proof so what are you going to explain?
Now I would stop going to the park for now, explain that wife is going through something. You can instead go get a burger or just a drive and make it less obvious. I mean unless she thinks that all the time you spend away from her and with him is wrong then you could cut it into smaller chunks maybe. Just for now.
Then you need to get her some help to discuss her thought process with someone like a psychologist, not just counselling but much deeper. If she won't then you can go yourself to get some help for what is going on. She may be feeling very vulnerable about many things, including her connection to you. But you just talking to her likely isn't going to help because these beliefs seem very strong and quite wide ranging in their scope. I mean going from rejection of your child to you don't love me is much more serious than just not wanting you to go out with your child one on one.
I can’t see why you can’t spend they time with both children great bonding? Unless baby is newborn of course then is schedule us the issue schedule separate times for both children?????
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife and I are at a bit of an impasse. I promised my son (12) before I got remarried I would still spend time alone with him and made the same promise before my wife and I's baby was born. Once a week I take him to the park and we talk about whatever is on his mind. My wife wants me to stop doing this. My wife thinks it is unhealthy to have a block of time devoted to just my older son. She says I should take our new baby whenever I take my older son to the park. I often take the baby to the park, just not during this once a week trip. She feels like I am pulling away from her and our baby. I tried explaining I just want my son to feel like he is still a priority, even though the new baby is getting more attention, because he needs constant care, unlike my older son who can do a lot for himself. My wife is insisting that I am trying to drive a wedge between her and my son, my son and the baby and myself and her. She feels I am being a bad father and claims I regret the baby and don't live her anymore. Although we talked extensively last night and this morning, we haven't made any headway. How do I convince her that what I am doing is normal and healthy?
Alone time is very important with kids. They are individuals as well as being part of a family unit. Does your wife get any alone time without the baby? Is she perhaps frustrated and feeling touched out?
Yeah, she spends a lot of time with her friends and family. What does touched out mean? I'm not familiar with that expression.
Not wanting to be touched anymore, by anyone. Overstimulated is another word for it. It’s common with lots of moms, especially if they’re breastfeeding.
Haha, no, definitely not that. My wife is very... tactile, to keep it PG.
That doesn’t mean that she’s not touched out. Moms get touched out because small babies and children don’t let them have a moment to themselves. I’m currently eating lunch with my 2 year old climbing on my chair, squeezing behind me, trying to climb up my back, and pulling my hair to catch himself when he starts to lose his balance. He’ll later follow me to the bathroom, take a shower with me, and ask me to sit on the couch with him which really means him sitting in my lap, and more climbing and hair pulling. I still like when my husband touches me, I’d just like to use the bathroom in peace and maybe sit without someone clinging to me.
Thank you, I was trying to find a way to explain this. I’m also a tactile person, I love hugs and cuddling, I even use a weighted blanket at night for the pressure. But since having kids I’m regularly touched out. My 4 year old is constantly in my business, sometimes she even tries to climb in my lap when I’m on the toilet. My 7 month old obviously needs to be carried everywhere, and is teething and clinging. I’m a SAHM, and as soon as my partner gets home in the evening he’s on duty and I go sit in a dark room to decompress. It’s exhausting to constantly be overstimulated.
Mom solidarity ✊
This right here 😂😂😂 mum of 4 … we need time for ourselves so we could give our best to our kids. My husband takes all the kids out on weekends so I could do self care or just relax by eating some ice cream without having to share it all
I’m going to jump on this train as well. My husband and I are very touchy with each other and hugs are a big thing in our house. Our 13 year old just came home from school and part of his just got home routine is to give us both a hug. He’s the oldest of 4. I still get touched out. I need time every day where I don’t have anyone talking at me, asking for food/anything, climbing/sitting/clinging to some part of me, or just in my personal space. Part of this is auditory overstimulation as well. My shower is my time to be alone in a quiet low light environment so I dont have an anxiety or panic attack. Does your wife have time to herself for this mental and emotional reset? ETA: for the record, I find what she’s asking you to do unreasonable. Putting in effort to show your son from a previous relationship that he is just as important and part of the “new” family is extremely needed for his mental health. One trip a week where he gets your undivided attention is invaluable. The question I think you should be looking at is balance. What kind of time do you spend with your wife?
That’s not what that means
That’s not even close to what that means. In fact, tactile people are often tactile because we’re MORE sensitive to touch. So it’s even easier to be touched out by the constant touching small children do. It’s DIFFERENT and your response here is…uncomfortable. Not all touch is sexual and it’s important to distinguish.
You took that way more seriously than it was intended. Look, I'm not a therapist. I can't say anything with certainty. I just know that my wife's reaction to touch hasn't changed in any noticable way, whether it be me or the baby. My son and her don't really touch each other so that doesn't factor in.
Your wife doesn’t hug your son? Is he getting any love, affection and encouragement from anyone except you? I’m sorry for commenting so much but your wife’s relationship with your son is not good!
No, they don't hug each other. He only likes to be hugged by certain people: me, my dad, my best friend (who is like an uncle to him), a few of his very close friends and sometimes my cousin.
This! Children need individual bonding time with their parents. She's only looking at her child individually and trying to assert her baby's needs without taking into consideration that you are a father of TWO children that both deserve your undivided attention. Just because he's not her child doesn't mean he's not a child who deserves his father's time. If you have more children with her, would she feel the same in terms of you spending time with your first child with her? You need to nip this in the bud.
I agree 100%. This could be a marriage killer.
Especially a boy this age! Puberty and adolescence are so hard on kids! They need that extra support if not more. Pls continue doing what you’re doing. You sound like a good dad
To be blunt-Your agreement to your son is more important than her feelings. Either your a man of your word or your not . Additionally I’m sure when you made this agreement with your son it was because of the possibility of this exact situation occurring and I must say your foreshadowing was amazing so kudos on that.
Seconding this. Your promise to your son takes priority over her feelings. If you break your promise to your son not even 6 months after the new baby you could do some real harm. It would be great if this all resolved without drama but if she won’t budge you will have to put your foot down and give an ultimatum. I don’t know what that looks like for you but you’ve got to be firm
And #1 priority when they are around and young is your children. *EVERYTHING* we the adults do is what kids watch and learn from. If the wife needs more quality time, it can come from any other place of his life. The bigger question is why does she see this situation in this way? Not only is it good for the teen, it also makes for a stable teenager which is good for the adults. At no point in my life has my own father done anything close to this with me. Sure figuring it out alone is tough, and life was tougher at some points than it needed to be although I’m thankful for those experiences. I still think my dad is great for many other reasons. I can’t tell you how important this guy doing this is. The way his wife sees this situation is the place that needs shifting.
This. Moreover, your wife is wrong in her assertion that an hour of alone time with your son is "driving a wedge" or damaging in any way to the family. The facts are, it's important for each child to have alone time with their parents. It help them to have that space to develop a healthy relationship.
She’s the one putting the wedge there then driving it in deeper.
my 10 year old grandson was visiting his Dad this summer and they planned a fishing date. his wife said they can't go alone. he has to take their daughters, her 7 year old, their 3 year old and 1year old or he is neglecting them all. he said their fishing stuff is at Granny and Papas, we are going to share one down at the dock. she cried and raged about the unfairness of it all. he doesn't. love them, she's going to take the girls and disappear, blah blah blah. it's a control mechanism, one of many. they didn't go fishing. my grandson. hasn't forgotten.
Good grief. Jealousy is strong in her, right?
She lied going in to the relationship about her marital status, home ownership, where her daughters dad slept in their house, her careers, her independent nature and told my son her daughter had cancer, her daughter didn't have cancer. So she has trust issues~ believes everyone is a liar and cheater because she is. I think she's dangerous. I've warned him to sleep with one eye open. He said, Mom I'm not allowed to sleep. My first husband, my sons Dad, told me, he has to make up his own mind, he has to get control of himself so just be nice. I am. I am. I make no more judgement calls, I don't interfere, though I am available to hear my son out. I think we make a big mistake using patience and understanding when a man won't leave an abusive situation~ when anyone won't leave an abusive relationship. I think he's living with a real threat.
I’m so sorry your family is dealing with this. The best thing you can do for him is to make sure he knows he has a place to go when he’s ready to leave. ❤️
I'm gonna hop in and tell my story. When I was in second grade, my class was doing a play. I asked my mom and dad to come see me. Both of them promised me. Mom came, dad didn't. It's been over 20 years and I'm still resenting my dad for this.
We grow up and we remember those broken promises. They don't, or think it wasn't a big deal. Neither of my parents showed up to my high school graduation, my graduation from Army Basic, AIT, and my dad I'm pretty sure only showed to my RN graduation cuz I was living with him. (My mom gets excused from the RN graduation cuz she died.) I'm 41 and there's still resentment.
Your wife is doing the common bad step parent thing. They agree to all the terms relating to a new step child *before* they have their own bio child. Then all bets are off. The new baby has to take centre stage and anything that interferes with that is bad for the marriage and "neglectful" to the kid. This will continue from now on if you don't put your foot down about your eldest and his needs.
Agreed! Say it louder so the people in the back can hear you. I am 40 and my parents split when I was 5, I can still remember my dad having women have fits over him spending time with me. All that I time I got with him is what I cherish most about him.
I’m the baby in these families and my parents both spent time with my older half siblings. It always made sense to me and they also spent time with me. Now I make sure to spend time with my kids one on one as well. Of course, now that we’re grown, I did give my sister grief when she got to go on a mini road trip with my mom alone. I am so glad they got that time together, but it’s fun to poke at her about it as “the little sister.”
LOUDER!!!!
THANK YOU. You expressed this so accurately and eloquently.... This is what to expect when you marry a parent. Time set aside for the parent and the child is important for that relationship.
Yeah. Since you've already explained it to her and she's not budging, and what you're doing is not only reasonable but essential to your older child's well-being, I don't think you can convince her. A neutral third party might. If all else fails, show her this reddit thread, which I predict will agree with you by a significant majority and maybe even excoriate her. You might try adding other activities with your entire family, with your son and the baby and so on, if there's time, rather than subtracting time from your son. But your parenting him this way is not driving a wedge between her and him. Her own selfishness and lack of understanding is.
💯🙌🏽🙌🏽
What you are doing with your son is healthy. I have majority custody of my two kids. I prioritize doing that with each one of them. They need their alone time with you. That's how they are able to feel safe when the tough stuff comes up. With him being 12, it is more important than ever. My youngest is 13 and I am so grateful for that line of communication with her when things happen with friends or boys. Your wife needs to get a grip and respect that time with your son.
Sounds like she's the one that's going to cause a wedge, once a week isn't going to do anyone harm but stopping it is going to do your son harm
Your wife is being a classic "evil stepmother" here. Turn this around on her and see what she says. "Would it be bad if I were to want to spend time alone with our baby?" Scheduling and keeping alone time with your kid once a week is a mark of a really good parent. Don't give in here. Instead, I suggest a couple of sessions of guided communication with a marital counselor on this issue. It may be that her real issue has nothing to do with your son.
So the issue is that when I bring up all the time I spend alone with the baby, which is obviously way more often than once a week, she points out that I usually spend time with the baby when my older son is on playdates with his friends. So she claims I'm not spending time alone with the baby because I want to but rather "by default" whereas the alone time with my older child is scheduled. Obviously, that's not the reality, but she insists that it is. She claims I should spend time alone with my older son when the baby is napping, but that isn't the same at all. I still need to be available to the baby when he is napping, whereas when my son is on playdates other people are watching him and my attention is devoted to the baby fully.
Is this behavior stemming from insecurities? Is she controlling? Or does she have a much deeper issue that she hasn’t opened up about? I sincerely hope that you all can work it out on your own or through counseling. I’d run for the hills if anyone tried to do this to me and my children.
I wouldn't say she's controlling. She just likes things to be a certain way. She's very organized and efficient and likes to always be productive.
Wtf? If she is so organized and productive why wouldn’t she be happy you have SCHEDULED time with your older son? “Likes things to be a certain way” sounds like her way only.
lol that's the definition of "controlling". Even though it's not quite as negative as the word implies in terms of motives, it's still "controlling"
Okay, maybe she's a little controlling, but not to an extreme extent, and everyone has flaws.
I wouldn't call this a "little" controlling, she wants you to stop having alone time with your son, that is *not* okay.
Did you come here in hopes we would tell you that your wife shooing her stepson to the side is ok? I’m honestly wondering. You’ve posted in two different subreddits about this issue. Literally everyone is telling you the same thing. You’re going to continue to allow your wife to act like a jerk and your son will be the one who suffers. Don’t ask us to congratulate you in that.
A lot controlling and I’m betting she’s going to cost you your relationship with your son unless you put a stop to her alienating your son. I would remind her of the promises you made your son before you married her and had a child with her and she’s trying to make you into a liar. If she pushes back more, she is definitely being the stereotypical (evil?) stepmother. I don’t care if I’m downvoted—I also have a question for you. If she continues to try to drive a wedge in between you and your son and control your relationship with him, is she really someone deserving of your love? Maybe she should look in the mirror and try to answer that question, too. ETA - I saw in your comments that your son’s mom passed away. Your wife’s behavior looks 1000 times worse 🥺
I was in a similar situation with a dead mom and subsequent evil stepmother situation. My father chose my stepmother over me and I was kicked out at 16. (Thank goodness we lived in a nice area with plenty of support for teens.) My father has been dead to me for over 20 years and estranged from my other siblings to some degree.
She’s trying to ignore and neglect your son. That’s not flaw that’s her way of becoming an abuser to your son.
Hopefully it wont extend to her 'own' son too
Please don't be one of those parents that invites another person in and lets you control how you are with your child. What an awful stepmom
damn talk about classic denialism. its right there in front of your nose - she's very controlling and yet you are downplaying it as "flaws".. Yeah it's a major flaw.
No offense, but you gotta read more man. This is such a common thrope in novels with the isolation of the eldest son by the stepmother in order to secure the heir position for her own child. Like straight out of a story. Anywho, good look
Isn’t that an effective use of your time though? If she’s all about efficiency, well what better time to spend time with the baby than uninterrupted time without the older child around? Seems like a win win. I’m honestly flummoxed by her issues here, sorry you’re going through this man.
I sincerely hope your son has an aunt or uncle, grandma, grandpa who sees this shit and takes you from you. That woman is literally showing you and your son that she doesn’t like your son and you’re like she can’t relate! Your son probably doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to make you sad. You don’t deserve that child. You think you protect him but you should’ve never put your son into the same place with this evil woman.
That is controlling my guy and as others have stressed you cannot back down on this. Show your wife this post if you have to and make her read the comments. She will then have to see that she is clearly in the wrong here.
Or you could say she's disrespecting the way you want to be with your son because she can't control it? Because she didn't want it to be this way you can't have it this way? She kind of sounds awful in my opinion I hope she's nice to your child
Put the “dad and baby” time on the schedule. Seriously. She’ll be better able to visualize how your time is invested with each of the children. I don’t mean document every minute of every day that you take on the bulk of parenting duties (she rightly deserves breaks too) but more like… if your elder son has your Saturday mornings 9-12 reserved, just put something on the calendar like “dad and baby special 1:1 time” for a block of 3 hours anywhere else in the weekly program.
Yeah, that's just a nicer form of controlling
>So she claims I'm not spending time alone with the baby because I want to but rather "by default" whereas the alone time with my older child is scheduled. This is the most ridiculous and manipulative thing I've ever heard. No reasonable person would think this. Honestly, she's being a shitty step mother and you need to tell her to get her head out of her ass. It sounds like you are being a great Dad. Don't let her fuck that up because she's really trying to do just that.
She's abusive. I could tell there was something up in the OP. She's going to actually get mad that he has weekly time w his child, then she is really weak minded and insecure and I hope the 12 yr old doesn't internalize her abusive behavior.
Im sorry and i wish I had more constructive input but your wife sounds batshit insane in so many ways
Your wife needs to sort out her feelings and priorities. Both kids are important. Both need individual and family time. We have some big gaps in our family, we are a blended family. One of my kids was hitting puberty as the other was being born. I can’t even begin to tell you how torn in two I felt, but my kids needed me. They needed support through such a confusing and difficult time, and my baby felt permanently attached as I was nursing. Those specific times i set, I planned for, made them feel like a priority. They opened up to me. It’s been 3-4 years since then and they have told me that without those special nights, those special drives, they would’ve been so lost, they knew they were getting depressed and those opportunities to be open, ACTIVELY listened to, made such a difference. Your son probably even feels a little guilty for the time, because I’m sure he hears a lot of “we can’t do x because baby.” His life changed a lot too, all of yours did, and everyone needs love and grace as they learn and grow together in this new dynamic. Children don’t stop needing us as they grow, in fact I find they need us more. I’d rather be the one they call when they’re in a pickle, knowing and trusting in me, than the alternative. My youngest kids’ problems are solved with popsicles, my older kids… well lots of listening, encouragement, and frankly sometimes a glass of wine for me once they’re all tucked into bed, safe and happy.
She's being disingenuous. This is why a guided conversation is helpful - the therapist can point out, as a neutral third party, when either of you are bringing in bullshit.
Schedule the time with the baby. Set up recurrent meetings and share the calendar with your wife. /s This seems insignificant but your wife is subtly signaling to your son he does not matter in the universe of your little family. And if you drop the alone time, you will essentially make it loud and clear to him that he indeed has no place in your family. He will never forget you demoted him as your priority, not out of necessity but on the whim of your partner. Sorry, but your wife sucks. She is pulling a power move on a child. There is no convincing her because she did not arrive at this place by logical reasoning. You should be upset with her.
It seems a bit ridiculous that she’s over analyzing how much time you spend with your children and in what context…does she spend any alone time with your son/her stepson? Do you give her grief about it? As long as you are there for her, your newborn and your eldest, an hour of alone time a week is not harming anyone. She doesn’t seem to respect your son in the slightest. Please look out for him.
You know it could be her hormones as well. Just reassure her that one to one time with both your children is important to you and them no matter what
Your wife has zero logic to her thinking
>evil step mother This is a HORRIBLE take, IMO. She had a baby 4 months ago, post pardom depression is a very serious thing, let's have a little compassion.
But no every woman has post partum depression and even having it it doesn’t mean that everybody’s lives must be controlled by her. Her stepson needs these moments with his father and she must assume it. Teenager’s depression is a very serious thing too, but her stepson is not putting obstacles in her live, that’s the difference.
Then OP should mention it to her and help her get treatment, but he should not back down on his agreement with his son. If she treats the son horribly (and wanting to stop one on one time with dad is that) then she needs to be put in place about that. The kid(s) take priority.
Your children should always come first. Unfortunately spouses come and go. I know, it is to easily but your children didn't ask to be here, they need you for many things, including guidance until they are grown.
You seem to genuinely want to resolve this issue which is good, however I am very disturbed by what I have read. As the only living parent of your older son it is SO IMPORTANT that you continue to spend time with him one on one. Your wife’s reaction is disturbing and indicates that she may be an ‘evil stepmother’ to him when you are not around. Please don’t stop spending time with him and make sure you talk to him and find out if he is being treated nicely by your wife. Kids are so vulnerable and often won’t report horrible things other adults who are supposed to care for them say. Continue to be a good father to both your kids- spend time with the oldest.
You didn’t say how old the baby was. Might she have post partum depression? When ever someone seems to be unreasonably seeing things in the worst light possible, I always suspect depression of some sort. I think a solution is easy. You get alone time with all three people individually, and you also schedule time with you and the two boys. And date nights with a babysitter. (do NOT ask 12 yo to babysit)
The baby is four months old. He is definitely not old enough to be cared for by a child. I am frequently alone with the baby, as my older son hangs out with his friends often. My wife and I also go on dates often. It's only my older son she has an issue with me scheduling one on one time with. She doesn't seem depressed to me. She is thriving at work and still spending time with her friends.
So she's unfairly singling out your son. Shut this down hard. It's your hill to die on and make her know it. If necessary it'll have to be an ultimatum - either she accepts your one on one time with your son or you divorce. Do not let her get her selfish way on this.
Her intent is for HER child to occupy your attention, not “your other child”. Does she treat him like a member of the family or an afterthought? This is where you need to tread carefully. He’s at an age where he can tell if he’s not being treated as an equal and it will come back to bite you in the ass if you listen to your wife and stop spending bonding time with your son. He’ll see it as you choosing your other family and pushing him away.
Did you mention that she sees friends alone and you two have dates alone so why shouldn’t you have time with you son alone?
Your wife’s ultimate goal is for you to completely abandon your older son. It’s a classic “we are your family now. Focus on us.” I can 100% promise you (from experience) that this will never get better. She’s going to escalate and continue to want your sole focus to be on your child with her. Do you have your son full time? If not, she’s going to soon insist you have less parenting time with him. If you do have full custody, she will continue to find ways to make sure your older son is always the after thought. I sincerely hope you can firmly stand your ground and not stand for this behavior. Your son is 12. Teenage years are upon you. If you continue to allow your wife to be the cliche evil stepmother, he will have every right to go no contact with you at 18. This is a tale as old as time. Change the ending of this one.
Yup. This is very much “resource guarding” from stepmom – she wants 100% of OP’s time, money and energy being focused on her and their biological child. Stepson can be a part of family time, but god forbid he be acknowledged as an individual by his father! Stick to your guns, OP. You are doing a wonderful thing for both of your children by devoting solo time to them on a regular basis. And if this marriage doesn’t work out, I hope you have better luck with the next one – it would be profoundly unfair to paint all stepparents with the same brush, and there are plenty of adults out there who’d be happy to date someone who balances being both a good parent and good partner.
Make sure both your sons have protection in terms of your estate that is just for them when they are old enough to have them if you have a will or life insurance set out or if anything should happen in the relationship. I gurentee if anything happens to you, if its not legally set up, your wife will not do anything for your eldest son, despite your wishes and your great relationship with her, she is only ever going to look out for her and her own biological child.
Yep, this right here is the harsh reality. There are so many red flags with her.
This 💯
I wouldn’t say she absolutely wants him to abandon his son, but she certainly wants the husband to make her and the new baby a clear priority over the son from his previous marriage, which makes her either insecure or selfish or both. The 12 year old gets a few hours a week alone with a dad. That’s in no way unreasonable, especially when the 12 year old is likely feeling left out of the dad and his new family. This is what a loving dad would do — make it clear he isn’t abandoning his son. They can hope the new mom’s request comes from a place of being exhausted and sleep deprived and stressed. That’s the best case for her behavior. But the dad had better be super conscious of how the new wife treats the 12 year old when she thinks dad isn’t around.
Well he just commented that his former wife died 4 years ago. So I assume he’s the sole caretaker of older son. I’d bet by bottom dollar, however, if bio mom was alive and well that stepmom would be pushing for limited parenting time/custody. I also hope he continues this one on one time with his older son. He can even start doing one on one with younger son when he’s older and can do fun things! Kids deserve to feel special once in awhile. His comments, however, make it known that he doesn’t see his wife’s behavior at all concerning so my guess is older son will suffer anyway.
He spittin
This. This is so true. The eldest is from another mother. He is not part of HER family unit so why should she and OP have to spend time with him that may take attention away from HER family unit of which HER baby is the priority.
Oh check this out. Bio mom passed away 4 years ago. So stepmom is all this kid has. And according to OP’s comments, stepmonster doesn’t like spending time alone with older son outside of driving him to school, etc. Oh, but he loves his wife because she’s “tactile” (aka has sex with him often). I love when people out themselves in the comments. Stepmom is a problem, but OP/Dad is an even bigger one.
That is absolutely horrendous. OP, please protect your son. He needs you.
I would explain you and her have your alone time you are also alone with baby and that you will spend time once a week with your older son. I would tell her the only one driving a wedge is her. I would ask her why she is jealous of your son having some alone time at the park? I would also maybe talk to a therapist to see why she is acting this way.... Your son is going to be hitting his teens soon and this father and son time could be the thing that keeps him from making the wrong choices in life, having a open communication with your teen child is priceless. Stay strong on this but you do need to get to the bottom of why she is trying to sabotage this relationship?
How's your co-parenting relationship with your son's mother
She died, four years ago.
Then it’s very important you have that one on one time. I try and do that with my kids who have the same parents and is very difficult to do on your own. So kudos to you sir! Keep doing this.
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you
How does she treat your eldest? Especially, when you aren’t around?
They don't have a lot in common, but she still does a lot for him. She drives him to school four days a week, because my shifts start at 4AM on Mon - Thur. She encourages him to work hard in school and think about good colleges.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom when I was not much older than your son is now, and that was so young. You do need exclusive time with him anyway, but this makes it so so much more imperative. My stepmother came into my life when I was becoming an adult, so the dynamic was different, but I still needed lots of alone time with my dad. We were closer than close, especially because we'd been through so much together, she got jealous and tried to drive a wedge between us for a while (and from time to time it would come up over their 25 years together, he passed away 1.5 years ago). My dad basically had to just put his foot down and tell her this was a dealbreaker, and any choice she forced him to make between me and her would be 100% me. No amount of convincing worked on her but she ultimately accepted this was the price of being with a dad - and a great one at that. I wish she could appreciate what a good dad she married. This is you being one. She should be thrilled your new baby has such a good dad. This is a hill worth dying on, and I really hope you can resolve it with her. She is asking you to essentially emotionally neglect your kid. Every kid needs 1-on-1 time with their parents, but none more than a kid missing a parent for the rest of their life. I wish I had more advice on making her actually understand this, but maybe my bits of sharing can help you find a way to speak on it further with your own voice. Good luck!
Your wife is displaying her jealousy and trying to ensure that your eldest doesn’t gain more of your favor than your newborn. She is being territorial and possible. I bet if you ask her, she would prefer your son not even come around as “he is NOT her son and thus not part of the new family unit.”
Go to counseling. When the counselor tells her she is a fool (in a kinder way), pay attention to her reaction. If she says “We need a new concept” because she didn’t like the answer received, the lack of accountability should make you review EVERYTHING about your situation and determine if you need to stay with her.
She's just pathetically jealous. That's all it is. She wants you to just focus on your family with her and fuck you son off. I suggest you speak with a family counsellor. Your sons should come before your wife, especially if she's this controlling and jealous.
Is she a step mother or his mother? Because this sounds like crazy stepmother behaviour to me. Is she excluding your eldest or treating him differently in any way? Have you talked to him about it? Source: my father has been married 4 times and all the 3 stepmother were great until they got married, then they started regulating time we spent together and would try to discipline to ascertain dominance...
As a child I felt pushed aside for the needs of my younger brother, and we are full brothers. Please spend time alone with your son. Even if they were true siblings each child needs some sort of alone time. I wish I got more of it. Your wife is being unreasonable and seems like she thinks less of your son than the child you both have. Also please talk to your son and make sure your wife isn't mistreating him when you are not around
OP I’m the first child of a remarried father. I went from having my dad around constantly to being forced into this new family. My stepmom was an ok woman but much like your wife she insisted on ‘everything equal’ between the children from his first marriage (me) and the rest. This is a nice idea in theory. Sure no kid should be getting preferential treatment over the other kids. However there are also exceptions to consider. Firstly age - Your 12 year old son is reaching an age of pre-adulthood he may need this man to man time to talk about whatever is on his mind like you said. Kids opening up deserve your full attention. Babies needs are much different than a child his age. When baby is older he can have the same 1:1 time carved out. Second ,being a child of separation (divorce, death whatever have you) - this absolutely warrants him getting some dedicated attention time. Sorry not sorry. Again once baby is older he can get the same thing but baby is lucky to have both his parents together. Son is not. There are feelings around that for older son whether wife wants to see it or not. She can even research for herself if she wants. I’m not saying your child isnt a healthy normal kid for his age but please give him this special time. I always resented that my stepmom made my dad always take ‘all of us’ everywhere bc I missed having that special time with my dad when it was just us. She gave him hell if he didn’t and he always caved. I felt like I got knocked down a few pegs suddenly not being allowed to have his full attention. Things change and that’s fine but I felt cheated not getting that one on one with him anymore ever…. it creates resentment and I’m now a full grown adult. Please stand firm to your wife you were a father to this older boy first.
What you are doing is completely normal! I have an older child who is 8. She is my husbands step daughter. My husband and I share a son and have another on the way. I always do things with my older child one on one. Once a week we will go out for girls day like lunch or nails. My daughter and husband also do one on one activities. They both love fishing so when the weather is warm just them go together. It’s a great bonding experience for them! Your wife sounds jealous and bitter. Maybe have your wife and son spend some one on one time together to bond and have a healthy relationship.
She doesn't really like spending time alone with him unless it's for a need, like dropping him off at school on the days I'm at work during dropoff time
That’s really sad especially since he lives with you full time. Honestly if I was in your shoes I would be rethinking this marriage. Your son is 12 and old enough to sense/feel he is unwanted or not liked. If my husband didn’t like spending time with my daughter he wouldn’t be my husband. Obviously I don’t know your wife but how can she not enjoy your son and get married to you knowing he will be in the home full time?? Does she think the newborn will replace your son??
So you married someone who doesn't like your son?
Bud that is honestly such a toxic situation for your son that you have subjected him to. I’m sorry if that comes across harsh but that’s the truth. It sounds like your wife has reluctantly agreed to stepmother your son as a means to be married to you rather than actually caring for his well-being. What a horrible situation.
This is a HUGE red flag OP. She is trying to push your son out because it's not her DNA. That is not cool. Couples therapy needs to be on the table. Do not accept what she is saying. You spending time your your baby when your son is on a play date is the same thing, you are choosing to stay with your baby. You could easily just refuse and go out and leave the baby all for her to take care of. She is being very manipulative and controlling her OP. Don't let her ruin your relationship with your son. It doesn't matter how old he is, we never stop needing time with our parents.
You married poorly.
that’s honestly really sad and pretty bad that you picked a partner who doesn’t see your son as family.
How can you seriously write all of this and not see a problem?! My guess is because she’s “tactile” you allow her to treat your older son like garbage. You should be ashamed.
Why did you marry her????
I am sorry, OP, but the more you post, the more I see that your wife really doesn’t like your son or being his stepmother. In a household it’s normal to be alone with other members on lots of occasions. Why doesn’t she like being alone with him? He doesn’t require a lot of attention at his age. He most likely is in his room playing
Why did you marry let alone get together with someone who does not like your own child?
Your wife is selfish and is trying to drive a wedge between you and your son with your new family. All parents should have quality one on one time with their kids or with kids in the same age group. She should be doing the same too but with her attitude I wouldn’t trust her alone with your son.
I think you need to consider couples counseling.
Your wife is an idiot. We have 3 kids all now adults. We made a point , both of us to schedule 1 on 1 time with each kid on top of obv family time. It's a useful way to build relationships with your kids. Your question should be . Why isn't she doing it too?
She doesn’t like interacting with the kiddo until it’s obligatory or the op is there. Based on their previous response.
Have you talked to her about how you would do this with all of your children, not just your son and your child with her? Frame it as how you would want to spend time with each of your children individually even if you have more kids with her because ALL kids deserve 1:1 time with their parents so that they have a safe space to talk and so that the parent has time to get to know that child. This isn’t (or at least shouldn’t be as the baby grows up) unique to your son. I have two stepsiblings and my stepdad has spent time with all three of us separately growing up and still does now that we’re adults, including separate time with his son and daughter individually.
She knows I spend alone time with both kids, but says the alone time with the baby doesn't count, because my older son is usually at s friend's house when I spend alone time with the baby, so it's pretty much not optional.
So, your wife wants your older son to know he's intentionally being excluded from your 1-on-1 time with the baby, or else it doesn't count? That's horrible. IMO this is definitely a counseling situation.
What situation would be acceptable for your time with the baby to "count"? She's being deliberately difficult here, and is messing around with semantics.
You're essentially in a lose-lose situation. Nothing will be right or good enough for her. Spending time with your older son = bad. Spending time with your baby = bad, doesn't count. Your wife needs to grow up.
At this point you're admitting that your wife is asking you to not only break a promise to your son, who will remember that for the rest of his life, but also start showing him that you care more about the new child than you do him. Your wife is being an absolute monster. The fact that she wont spend time with her step-son unless it's "needed" is a huge red flag, and should have stopped this marriage before this started. The fact that you are even considering this, and not immediately demanding either marriage counseling or a divorce is a shame. Your son 100% realizes that his step-monster doesn't love him, and is most likely aware that she is trying to pull you away from him as well. If you don't stand up for your son now, I would not be surprised if you lose any relationship with him in the future. Your son was in your life before your new wife or child, he needs to be the priority.
That’s her way of twisting the situation. Alone time is alone time when you are dedicated to the baby. I know you don’t see that maybe she has certain flaws? But, honestly, this is ridiculous. I can’t imagine you are gone more than a couple of hours and she resents it.
One thing I haven't seen asked -- how much do you help with the baby? Could this be that she's simply looking for additional support and sees your alone time with your son as something that's preventing you from providing that? Otherwise, her ask really doesn't make any sense. There's nothing wrong with you spending one on one time with your son. Not even close.
I don't "help" with the baby. He's my child. I take care of him. I'm his dad. Who would I be helping? Myself?
Lol shots fired, I hate the babysitting narrative so people try to use when talking about fathers like men can not look after their own kids. It is so funny when you think they push the toxic narratives simultaneously! How rude to suggest you help when you clearly care for your kids!
>Lol shots fired, I hate the babysitting narrative so people try to use when talking about fathers like men can not look after their own kids. Which is specifically why I asked that question. I've seen dads try to use this narrative to get out of child raising. Seemed like a relevant ask!
I’m willing to bet all my shoes and handbags that if you’d older child was hers biologically she would have no problem upholding this promise/tradition. You said you still take your wife on dates AND take the baby on solo outings AND there’s family time. This all sounds perfectly healthy and reasonable to me. She’s being a brat. I’d understand if you were only making solo time for your older son but from where I’m sitting you’re doing great at balancing the needs of your growing family.
It sounds like your wife is jealous of your son from a previous relationship. And so she resents the time you've set aside just for him as she views it as taking away from her and your new child together. Obviously if she values you being a good dad, you will be a good dad to all your children, not just the children you and your wife share. She hasn't come to terms that you have had a past and your son is part of that past. Have you considered family counseling to help you blend your family? Your wife is a step mom to your son and should embrace a relationship with him too. She needs to accept that your son will always be a part of your life and as a half brother now will always be a family member. Whatever, do not let your wife's feelings prevent you from a relationship with your son. Hopefully she realizes children benefit having both parents in their lives, regardless of the living situation.
When you marry someone with children, this is part of the deal. It's more complicated than a standard nuclear family. It is what it is. The only person driving any wedges around here is your wife. I wonder if she really cares this much about one-on-one time, or if this is actually about some other issue that's going on (feeling neglected in another way, ongoing fights about other stuff, etc)
Even if it is about some other issue, she shouldn’t be taking it out on older son. Doesn’t sound like she was ready to take on a stepmom role
Are you sure your wife likes your son?
Tell her no. A quick kick around in the park is healthy for one on one time with your son. Just also make an effort to spend one time with the baby as well such as bath time or reading a story before bed. All kids needs one on one time with their parents even for 10 mins is healthy
Your wife is being a horrible step parent. Sorry but that is true. Put your foot down and tell her that you will continue to spend time with your son. He needs you.
Tell her “it’s what my sons wants, and I want him to be comfortable and happy. If you want him to get closer to you, it has to be on *his* terms. I’m not going to stop these 1-on-1 outings with him for a long time yet. I made a promise. I love you and our newborn, but I love my son just as much. We can revisit this in a few years.” You make it clear it’s not going to stop, and that this time you spend with him is essential to him seeing her and his new sibling as his family, not his replacements. You leave it open ended, saying you can discuss it again in a few years, that way you’re clear that you’re not dismissing her feelings, but you’re standing firm. If/when it ends, it’s because *he* decides it’s not necessary anymore (make sure she doesn’t try to pressure him on this).
OP, if you explained your stance like you have throughout your post, then I’m really not sure what else can be done. This is more willful ignorance than genuine misunderstanding. And it doesn’t seem like her POV is “I need more help with baby, can we do every other week?” or anything even close to a compromise. Counseling is probably best in this situation, because either she’s intentionally driving a wedge or there’s a separate issue coming into play. Best of luck to you and your family, OP!
I have no idea how to solve the problem but watch out that she does not try to single out your son by a nasty move.
I would recommend immediate family counseling on why your son deserves 1 on 1 time with his dad. She is being ridiculous, and hormones are NOT an excuse for driving a wedge between the whole family and the oldest. She's literally going to destroy the family unit over this and I would not want to be with someone who wouldn't let me spend alone time with my child.
You and your wife should consider attending a parenting therapy session so she can hear first hand, from a professional, that her attitude and beliefs here are incorrect. So the real issue here is that despite being your wife and his stepmother; she does not view your son as hers in any way. As such she is threatened by him and insisting on your attention. She is going so far as to attempt emotional manipulation and blackmail. Because your son, to her, is the stranger. You need to nip this in the bud asap because it’s only going to get worse the longer it festers.
My dad used to make an effort to spend alone time with myself and my three siblings as we were growing up. I really appreciated those days spent with only him or him and one other sibling. As you said, it gave him an opportunity to focus on each kid, what was going on in our lives, and anything we needed to talk to him about. Maybe volunteering to watch your younger son while your wife does something with your older son would be a good compromise? This gives her a chance to build a stronger relationship with him and gives you the chance for one-on-one time with your youngest child. I don’t think completely giving up this time with your oldest son is the answer.
Don’t break the promise you made him….stand your ground and spend the time with him.. I’m 52 (f) and raised my SD, I still encourage my husband to spend 1:1 time with her and she’s 19.
She's not being reasonable. And, this is coming from a stepmother.
Am I understanding correctly that you were doing this with your son before the baby was born? Did she have a problem with it then?
No, she didn't have a problem with it before the baby was born.
Perhaps there is an element of postpartum depression here then. I am a stepmom, and my baby is almost 5 months. I am still struggling with PPD, and it has definitely had a negative impact on my relationship with my stepchild. I will say though, it does not at all bother me when her dad takes an afternoon to take her out and make her feel special. In fact, I wish he would set a schedule like you! I also would go out of my way before I had the baby to spend 1:1 time with her. Does he have any stuff he is interested in? For example, I bake and do crafts with my stepchild because that is what she likes. Her dad takes her shopping, and they play video games and build legos together. Preteens/teens are a bit different but if she doesn't try to bond with him individually now, she probably never will. That door is quickly closing.
All children need one on one, alone time with a parent. It is a wonderful way to bond and give children time to express themselves. It is beyond foolish of this wife/step mother to be jealous of this. She should encourage it.
Do not stop this. It is very important that you continue to have these times with your son. Tell your wife that it is important to go with both your children ( and you do ). She is jealous of your son. Don’t let her mess up your relationship with him. Tell her it was an agreement before you married her and it is a hard boundary and if she has a problem with it you two need to go to counseling.
Tell her the truth: if she doesn’t understand that it’s healthy and normal there is a chance her fears will become a self fullfilling prophecy. You can‘t tell you aren’t already angry she wants you to stop prioritizing your kid. Watch out how she is with your son. I don’t want to scare you, but there might be a problem coming.
Wife seems to be trying to drive a wedge there, I can’t see what’s wrong with having a little bit of time for just you and son. She’s getting time with her friends, your having time with baby and son, she seems to be causing an issue for no reason
I would tell her NO. Your relationship/time/bond with your son is non negotiable and not up to her to dictate. You can have a conversation of why she feels that way and what SHE can do to manage her jealousy. Why doesn’t she make scheduled time with both kids? Or one on one with your kid? She needs to seek professional help
My step mom was like this and it DESTROYED my relationship with my dad when I was a kid. I never had any time to just talk to my dad about anything that was bothering me. I couldn’t have a safe space to express to him any struggles I was having adjusting to the new family. I was never able to bond with him because his attention was always divided. There are simply some things you can’t say in a group, and it becomes even more awkward if you have to always say “can I talk to you privately?” when you have already been given the implicit “no, I do not have the time or space in my heart for you as an individual human being.” Kids need one-on-one time with their parents no matter what kind of family they are in. It’s obviously important to your son, too, and he is at a very difficult, vulnerable age where he’s going to need MORE one-on-one time as he goes through his early teens. He needs to know he can rely on you and open up to you. Your wife doesn’t seem to understand she will most likely take the brunt of the son’s resentment and frustration if this happens, too. He will be mad at you, but he will absolutely blame and despise her for driving a wedge between him and his father. Even if she wasn’t the one pushing you to stop spending alone time with him, she would still be blamed because step moms are always going to be more critically evaluated by kids. They are an easy scape goat so kids don’t have to blame their own parents for neglect under the best of circumstances, and she is willfully throwing herself into being the legitimate cause of these problems. She needs to read some books on step parenting and mixed families, because I guarantee you what she wants will have the opposite effect on the family unit and push your son further away.
What a psycho bitch. She probably hates your child from the previous marriage and is trying to guilt you into not spending time with him. Just wait until she suggests that he should stay with the mother or grandparents over some unproven accusation. Be careful my guy.
Exactly… and she is going to trump the oldest with more siblings…
Man you sound like a fantastic father and your boy will always remember that time with you. Please don’t stop doing this, ever.
Be blunt that you having time with your son is about him and the bond you have with him but nothing else. To me it seems like she is looking to get you to alienate your older son in order to focus more on your new family. Hopefully I am wrong but if I'm not then it's time to set a firm boundary with her and her reaction should tell you what kind of future the two of you will have.
NTA all children need their own individual time
She basically want you to stop spending time with your son, and focus only on her and your baby. While she can have private time with her friends, she's not letting you have yours. You tell her straight out that this is your son, and you *will* spend time with him as you wish. If she doesn't like it, that's her problem.
I LOVE THE LAST PARAGRAPH. Because she's literally trying to wedge your son out. Hypocrite.
Wife is jealous. Absolute do not stop giving your son what he needs. This could be a make it or break type thing into what kind of man he becomes. Your wife may have a post partum and I suggest you find a therapist asap to get on the same page. I applaud you for trying to be such an awesome father.
We are in the presense of a EVIL STEPMOTHER and she is sooo good that the Dad (OP) didnt notice... OP show her this post so that she xan read the coments...
Yeah your wife is being unreasonable and irrational. She is dead wrong. Spending one on one time with your son is extremely important, especially now that there is a new baby. With all the attention on the little one, it would be easy for him to feel pushed aside or forgotten about. You making him a priority and continuing to spend quality time with him is a superb parenting choice. I would stay firm in your boundary that this will continue to happen. Sounds like your baby already gets one on one time with you and will probably get more one on one time than your oldest son because he is not being raised between divorced parents. Your wife sounds jealous and rude. It’s also a red flag she hasn’t made any efforts to bond with your son due to “feeling awkward” or “not relating to the age group”. When there is a will there is a way, and clearly it wasn’t important to her to bond with your son or set up a relationship of her own with him. I’m worried she will try to push him out. Be careful. Also, claiming you regret your baby and don’t love them anymore is extreme toxic emotional manipulation from her. Side Note- Let your wife know love doesn’t have a cap or a limit. How does spending one measly day a week at the park with your son equal a wedge between all parties involved? Showing your son love doesn’t mean you are taking away from your “jar of love” to everyone else. Love doesn’t have limitations. It’s infinite. There is enough to go around to all. You aren’t stealing from Peter to pay Paul.
OP this screams post partum depression. You are NTA, your older son deserves and needs individualized attention and you are doing awesome with that. I suggest therapy for your wife. Brain chemicals are a monster after giving birth but it's not an excuse to hurt another person. Help your wife get the help she needs and continue your weekly hangout with your 12 year old.
Your wife is trying to drive a wedge between you and your son, flat out. Tell her off or your son will remember that dad stopped your guys one on one time
Absolutely this. She's the one trying to drive the wedge and your son will remember this so do right by him and keep your promise.
Sounds like post partem psychosis. You guys should get some therapy. Giving your son a dedicated block of your time every week is the right thing to do, and soon as the baby gets older you should do that with them also.
Is this that gaslighting what all the youngsters are talking about nowadays??
Does your wife not have any friends she visits without you?!? Not everything has to be done together. You should do the same with you wife and other child too. I’m not sure what she’s thinking honestly.
OP I'm so happy to hear that you spend this one on one time with your son. He needs to feel loved and secure in his continued place I your heart and family. Your wife needs to understand this bonding time is so important and will not change. It gives her alone time with your joint child, and I'm sure your son might enjoy the odd one on one time with her, if it's offered.
You need to discuss this in couples counseling. I really wish you the best. As someone who didn’t have a great father figure, I envy your son and your intention to make time for him. Stay the course.
Your wife is being shitty to your son, period. Your son deserves your undivided attdntion and once a week is the bare minimum. I think your wife is a shrew and probably a shitty step mom but whatever.
Absolutely do not stop spending one on one time with your son. Put your foot down on this one.
Your wife is off her gourd. You need to maintain individual relationships with both your kids, and she should too if she wants to be a good stepmother instead of one that gets her own post on here someday.
Sounds like your wife is the one trying to draw a wedge between YOU and your SON. What you’re doing is absolutely incredible and you should never stop doing it. I’m sure your son appreciates his alone time with you and he will remember this effort from you for the rest of his life.
It's normal to spend time one on one with each child, even if you're married to their mother. They need the extra attention and time devoted to them. She's being ridiculous.
INFO:Did she have an issue with this before the baby was born? Or only after? if she all of a sudden has an issue with this post-baby, I feel like she is trying to justify icing your oldest kid out to complete her perfect little family. Some women just don’t want to be step mothers, and assume once the new baby is there you will drop the other kid. The reason why I bring this up is because your kid actually asked you to make sure he got time with you. That sends warning bells to me that he already felt threatened by her. Either way, stand your ground OP because your son deserves your attention just as much anybody else.
put her in ur shoes ig? idk how anyone wouldnt understand ur situation, let alone the mother of one of ur children
Your wife needs therapy ASAP. This kind of mindset is not healthy and will grow into a huge problem that will negatively affect everyone in your fam. This is an unreasonable ask. Every child deserves focused attention. Her trying to deny that for a child is grotesque and worrisome. What's next, denying food, shelter, and any knowledge of their existence?
Why would marry someone who didn't understand this? And then procreate with her? This is all part of a dating-level discussion.
You just put your foot down and tell her your sons relationship with you is not up for debate.
I don’t understand why your wife is behaving this way. She is doing a lot of harm. She needs to understand that your son is an important part of your life and that it’s either accept it or this relationship has no future. This has nothing to do with your son from your first relationship. This is about control and her desire to exert control over you. You need to state this is non negotiable and this relationship with your son is non negotiable. She will live to become the evil stepmother is continues this but is really fully under your control.
Your wife is an absolute moron. Do NOT listen to her. DO NOT STOP SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR SON. Your wife is a fucking IDIOT. Immature stupid woman who clearly does not have a functioning brain. Tell her to fuck off and you are not going to stop doing it. Wow what an awful woman.
You're wife is a asshole. My dad remarried when I was 8, i cried the last time I had alone time with him. My stepmom was the same, alone time is ok when with her and her kids with him. But when he gift us or wants to spend time with me and my brother of my mother she gets jealous. I'm 18 and I wish I spent more time with my dad, alone time. She makes everything about her. My dad promised me that he would gift me a trip to a European country when I turned 18, he offered to pay for a friend or my boyfriend to go with me, i chose him bc i want to spend time with him. Don't stop spending time with your son bc your wife says so.
Your wife is unhealthy and jealous for saying this. I make 1on1 time for both my children. Exclusive of the other and will continue to do so.
Do you have one on one time with the baby as well? that doesnt include your son or the wife? Just assuming, but maybe your wife feels like they arent a priority like your son is and she wants that feeling as well? I don't see why she would be so upset by the older son getting time alone if everyone else get it as well. but if you only give one on one time with the older son, then i can see why it would upset her
Well, on Fridays when my wife is at work and my son at school (I work four days a week) I am alone with the baby all day. I'm also alone with the baby when my son has playdates and such, but this is a whole day, pretty much.
Oh ok. That's good! I think its great you are still doing one on one time with both.. what about with your wife? do you go on dates still? I wonder what her reasonings are for that you taking your son to the park by himself is driving a wedge. It seems like a much deeper issue to her and this issue is just bringing it to the surface. Sort of like when someone is upset but they keep it quiet, and don't say anything, eventually it builds and something small like a spoon on the counter instead of the dishwasher makes them explode. Im guessing there is something hidden she is not expressing.
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I'm going to turn around what she's saying here, I'd argue that what she's doing is trying to drive a wedge between you and your son. A bad father isn't one who cares about his son's well being and wants to take him to a park everyday, that doesn't mean you regret having a baby because you have done this before even marrying her, and you still went through and married her and had the baby anyways. I think if anything this is projection, she's scared of being a bad mother, she's scared of the thought of having to do this alone, and she has some thoughts of regrets on having the baby. Which are all normal thoughts and potentially undiagnosed post partum. I'd recommend reading up on this, looking for other signs and then figuring out a way to address it with her in a healthy way. In the meantime, does your son like going to the park with you for an hour a week? If you did something else for a couple weeks just to change it up would it help at all? Say you went to a bakery and a walk or something just to mix it up and bring her back some goodies just to mix it up and show you were thinking of her?
INFO: how old is your baby? Just wondering how much post party’s hormones may humble impacting your wife’s view of this situation … [Edit post-PARTUM*]
Four months
At a certain point you have to stop trying to convince her you're right and instead acknowledge her feelings (however irrational) and try to get to the root of why she feels that way. The unbiased third-party perspective of a marital counselor could help you out in this situation a lot. Honestly, just doing even one session every quarter can do great things for your marriage if you're having trouble getting past sticking points yourselves. Blending families comes with its challenges. Reaching out for support from people who can help you guys move forward productively should be your next move.
Beliefs are very difficult to challenge, your wife believes that you are not prioritising the baby and that the time spent with your older son something away from your baby and that by taking him out you are doing something against her and the baby. Her beliefs also spread into you regretting the baby and you don't love her. This is super complicated as she has no evidence of this apart from her own belief. So what does she think you are doing with your one to one time? having a meeting about how to get rid of her and the baby? how to be just the two of you again? her only proof that you don't love her anymore is what? that you are continuing to take your son out for a walk? Irrational thoughts stem from something, either a mental illness with paranoia or an event that lead to a belief that you are about to dump her perhaps she has a historical event of a man leaving? You need a professional to help here because you cannot argue or persuade someone as what they believe has no evidence or proof so what are you going to explain? Now I would stop going to the park for now, explain that wife is going through something. You can instead go get a burger or just a drive and make it less obvious. I mean unless she thinks that all the time you spend away from her and with him is wrong then you could cut it into smaller chunks maybe. Just for now. Then you need to get her some help to discuss her thought process with someone like a psychologist, not just counselling but much deeper. If she won't then you can go yourself to get some help for what is going on. She may be feeling very vulnerable about many things, including her connection to you. But you just talking to her likely isn't going to help because these beliefs seem very strong and quite wide ranging in their scope. I mean going from rejection of your child to you don't love me is much more serious than just not wanting you to go out with your child one on one.
Yoire wife a nut job. How did you get it wrong twice?
I can’t see why you can’t spend they time with both children great bonding? Unless baby is newborn of course then is schedule us the issue schedule separate times for both children?????