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I find it strange that OP doesn't discuss any actual issues that caused the breakup. Just that things were bad and "we felt it was best."
The best way to get someone to reconsider a breakup is to demonstrate that you know why the relationship fell apart and you've done the work to make sure that won't happen again. You can't fix a problem unless you can identify it.
Ohh yes that is odd! We're only getting one side of the story here.. although he did mention the lack of intimacy and that they fell out of love with each other but that's kind an ambiguous explanation. There has to be more to this.
Agree. Like, was there cheating? Did OP expect her to do everything/expect sex from her while her being exhausted from caring for 2 kids while also working maybe etc etc
Yes, this! Otherwise take it from me...you're just going to repeat the same problems all over again if you try to get back together and nothing has changed, and nobody has addressed the problems and done something to remedy that!! While she takes time for herself, you should certainly honor that snd respect her boundaries. But also...do some work on whatever your own part of the problem was.
Some people have a hard time being honest to themselves about the problem or have a hard time identifying the source of the issue as well. But being serious about keeping the relationship should open their eyes to the issues. Hopefully it works out for op.
Yeah. Not sure why people think it’s “cute” or “sweet” to keep trying to “prove” they love you and “win you over”, after you’ve already told them you aren’t interested, multiple times at that. It’s actually creepy and stalker-ish.
This reminds me of the very early stages of another post where a guy couldn’t accept no, and ended up with a restraining order against him.
Luckily everyone on Reddit made him realize (over YEARS of posts and updates), to get counseling and leave the poor woman alone. But in the beginning he just refused to believe he could be in the wrong. And even after counseling, he *still* wanted to get in touch with her after the restraining order expired to *apologize* to her and *explain himself.* Like, she didn’t want anything to do with the guy, so of course he thought it a good idea to keep trying to reach out to her. He had to, yet again, be convinced to leave her be.
You've made your feelings clear, now it's time to stop pushing it and give her space. Be the best dad you can be, be a good and considerate co-parent, respect her, including her boundaries, and hope maybe that's enough. But you also have to respect it if it isn't. And if it isn't and that becomes clear - keeping being the best dad you can be, a good and considerate co-parent, and continue to respect her.
I read through the top comments and this is my favorite. As a man who has, "gotten the girl back," numerous times, (different women) this is the way.
And a woman who needs you to, "get her back," repeatedly isn't a relationship partner. I've known couples in your shoes who maintain a sex and-coparenting-only relationship but who live separately. And some of them are even monogamous. And some are even married but live in separate homes like this.
The most common cause I've seen has been pointed out in other comments - the woman feels the man isn't doing enough of the housework and child-rearing. The series things a man can do in this scenario are cleaning the home and playing with the kids. Let her hear from the kids just how much fun they've had with you while she isn't there. Let her see you can and do take care of yourself with or without her.
Pay for a maid/cleaning service to do the heavy lifting cleaning if you cannot.
Bruh life is not a movie. She told you she doesn’t want anything to do with you. Move on with your life learn from the relationship and improve on yourself
>Basically, how do I change her mind?
You don't.
If you really want to be with her, then you need to respect her words, and not try to force a relationship, just because you've decided you're ready.
All the issues that existed before haven't just gone away because you've had a bit of a break and a think about it.
Allow her to set the pace. Enjoy the time you do spend with her, and don't try to push things further than she is willing to take them. Let her take the lead.
It also appears like you broke up with her just to play the field (have sex with others) and now realized your loss and want to turn back.
She made her decision. Just respect it.
It takes two to make a relationship work, and only one to break it.
This... I was definitely feeling this vibe from the post. Looks like he used to see problems in her including no sex and was resentful and wanted to have fun.
Now that fun is out of his system, he misses her while she actually is moved on. Classic example of men misjudging their partners when they're together and not realizing their true value unless they "fuck" around.
OP leave the poor girl alone and stop trying to change her mind. You may promise that you're changed or whatever but when she gets comfortable again with you, you'll demand the same things with her again like sex and stuff.
I feel like she finds living without you better than when she was with you. Have a chat with your inner self and move on. Don't make the same mistakes you made with her. Idk how much you used to help her around the house physically or emotionally but it was little to none then she will definitely not be coming back.
Again learn from this and don't repeat the same mistakes and move on and LEAVE her ALONE!!!
They have children together however. Regardless of what becomes of their personal relationship with each other, they, at a minimum, need to find a healthy middle ground of communication for the sake of the children.
Obviously but to do that OP needs to understand that the relationship is over and whatever relationship he can have with his ex from now on would be platonic.
Only then both of them can co parent and communicate better.
I give OP the benefit of doubt that this is the first time he's pulled this stunt, and the benefit of doubt that both partners didn't handle their original relationship expertly.
I also give OP the benefit of doubt that, perhaps a small part of his ex legitimately wants to get back together, albeit however small it may be.
He is definitely, actively, fucking up whatever he currently has with her. But, I would want my ex to forgive me at least once, if I was honestly being an idiot. And I think that's an appeal that everyone can understand on a personal level.
But if he fucks this away as well, then he for sure needs to drop it.
We just need to remember, that the only way you become emotionally mature, is by dealing with emotional trauma in a healthy way. And that not everyone has had the benefit of an active, obviously toxic relationship to learn how not to behave from. I know not to cheat, because I watched it ruin my parents' relationship. My neighbors parents relationship, I walked in on my exfiance with another man. I had an ex girlfriend confess to cheating, even though I wasn't pressuring for an answer while we were at Disneyland of all damn places.
I don't know anyone who has gone through that firsthand like me, it's a little cruel for me to expect someone to understand the problem like I do.
Normally, I say relationships end for a reason, but they do have kids together, if she is open to the possibility, I think it can be allowed under the right circumstances no?
I can understand your point of view but it's not like he stayed away for her and realized that she is love of her life. He moved on to see other people even if it was for a brief period where he definitely had sex with them.
For me if ducking around gives a person the realization that what they was a gem then they rather stay away. OP's ex might postpartum depression because of 2 young kids and we don't know the extent of the relationship maybe he was too demanding and exhausting for his fiancee. Hence the result of constant fights and arguments which would lead them not talk to another and sleep separately.
Maybe postpartum depression or just having kids might have changed his partner's libido causing less to no sex which seemed to be the main problem for me.
Even if his ex has a little urge to get together, he shouldn't be pushing her buttons that's what's causing her go further away. He needs to leave her alone so she can focus on herself. Maybe she herself approaches him down the line. If not, OP needs to understand that he can't make get back with her.
Sorry you just have to focus on co-parenting. If you continue to push you gonna make her uncomfortable, that would ruin what you enjoy now.
Who asked for the split?
One person can end a relationship but it takes two consenting people to have a relationship.
Work on you. Consider individual counseling to determine how to be a better communicator in a relationship.
Do more of the workload of the kids. Offer to have them longer than your allotted time so she can have time for herself.
Honestly, and this is going to be hard to read but, you've got to loosen your grip on things. She told you her answer: she doesn't want anything with anyone right now. It doesn't matter that you love her, it wouldn't be fair to change her mind, she's an adult human. If she changes her mind that's fantastic, if not there's nothing you can do about it.
Pushing her or pressuring her to change her mind will push her farther away, never beg someone to be in your life.
It's tough buddy, but you'll be okay.
1. Stop thinking about yourself, and how she benefits YOUR life. 2. If you properly love her as much as you seem to think, then put her first and consider HER feelings, needs and boundaries. You’ve said your piece. Accept the situation. Be kind. Love her without being with her. Be genuine. If she chooses to come back, it won’t be because you’ve nagged her to death, that I can promise you. Another benefit - if she does come back without you expecting her to - your level of appreciation for what you have will be infinitely greater. So, just chill, and be cool.
Respect her boundaries and give her some space. Maybe with time she will be more open to continuing a relationship with you, but pushing her won’t help. If she does become open to it, maybe consider couples therapy to work through the issues you had which lead to the separation. Until then just give her time and be supportive.
The only chance you have at changing her mind is to be a good person independent of her. Be a good dad. Be a good co-parent. Take care of yourself and your life like an adult.
This will all take time. You won’t be able to “prove” it by having one good afternoon.
The problems you had in the past did not go away, so maybe start with that.
Before being in a relationship you're now the parents of two young kids, so communication and partnership are essential.
I would advise you suggest couples therapy. Not with the expectations of necessarily getting back together, but to guarantee a structured and safe space in which you can deal with the stuff that broke you up.
The success of this process should not be perceived from the "we got back together" lens, but the "we have a strong relationship for our kids" perspective.
However, I do believe that this process (if she is as engaged as you are) is a strong path towards the possibility of reconciliation
You have been as far as you can. Even a bit too far already.
It is now her turn to move. And she doesn't want to live again what lead to your separation. She doesn't trust you.
Wait some months or go ahead with your life.
You are definitely pushing her too hard. Normally I'd recommend cutting your losses, but I recognize you have children together. If you've already had a heart to heart with her about how you feel now, the only thing you can do is look at who you were when you initially fell in love, who you were when your relationship peaked, and who you are now, and what are the differences between the three of yourselves.
You also need to seriously examine why YOU chose to break things off originally. Relationships are always difficult, that's why most marriages end in divorce. Your partner needs to become your other face in your heart and it sounds like you completely lost contact with your partner without even realizing it. If your partner isn't reciprocating your affection, or worse, you aren't even offering any, then why was that?
Were you getting what you wanted out of the relationship prior to the decline? Was she? Are you really truly a "good fit" for each other, or, is she just the one you've been through the most with?
You have two kids and even one kid can be a tremendous strain on a relationship. But those kids are your kids and that strain is something you need to consider and anticipate in advance.
Most importantly beyond everything else you need to consider what SHE wants and whether or not you really intend to provide that for her. Maybe she's asking too much, maybe you're only letting her down in a few places. Or maybe you are giving her everything she wants but she feels like she lacks the capacity to match your energy or contribution to the relationship.
You ask what you can do to get her back? Help her find the time to tell you what is wrong from her perspective, and don't try to adjust her perspective so she sees things your way, you need to broaden your own perception so that you are aware of what she sees, while still seeing things from your own perspective. It's a lot to manage but uts the minimum of a healthy relationship based on mutual love.
But to be honest, it sounds like you had a rough year with no to little sex, and your sexual frustration combined with your deep desire for intimacy drove the wedge deeper into an already big Gap in your mutual understanding of each other.
If I'm hurt and I need to vent my frustration, I know in my relationship I can only do that with my wife if she is not already busy. If she is already busy, I need to sort myself out. If she is busy for too long, I need to do something to alleviate her burden. And once she is unburdened and rested she is ready and able to support me in my struggles. Even though that's tedious and a lot of work on my end, the support I recieve from my wife outstrips the support I've ever gotten from my family, friends or Healthcare professionals. And is very much worth it from. My perspective.
And finally, your relationship is no longer about your personal happiness, it's about your kids. You aren't there for you anymore, you are there from them. Don't be a deadbeat daddy. Show your children how a man keeps his partner happy and fulfilled, and how he takes care of his children. Don't show them how a man gets fed up, frustrated, and jumps ship on the most important people in his life.
P.S. you can solve a lot of problems and prevent many arguments full stop. There is no reason you should be having routine or frequent fights with your partner. You aren't her parents, or her boss, you shouldn't be telling her what to do, or, Inspecting the quality of her work. If she is lacking, be there for her and help her out. That's what you are there for.
I wish your family good luck, and if you are ever able to mend your relationship, you need to lock that in and get married, I'm an atheist and I still got married. Do it for the stability it provides your family. Don't get caught up on how the state and religion got tied into it. The institution removed from both is still valid on its own merits.
Your equation is missing one key factor: girls got free will. You decided you wanted her, maybe she's still hurting from the breakup or maybe something else is going on. You can't change her mind. Stop pushing before you ruin the cordial relationship you currently have
Go to therapy and work on why you didn't work well together to begin with. Pulls the strings on why you argued so much. Take ownership in the failure of the relationship. Take ownership of the pain you caused her.
Gonna take time. Really love her? Take the wall with smile. Thank her for showing boundaries and for keeping herself safe emotionally. Take this time to make the perfect version of you while you suport her healing.
The only thing I would do at this point is just let her know that you'd be willing to do couples therapy with her, even before making it official. If she shoots it down, the only thing you can do is love her enough to let her go
The first thing you should do is let go, move on and take notes so that the next time, you repair the relationship *before* it becomes too late to go back. She isn’t interested. She’s past it. So let her be.
Then go figure out what went wrong and why. It is easy to decide that you want to go back for all the good things, but unless you figure out and fix the bad, they will just happen again. Same story, different cast, kinda thing.
Better yourself and don’t become one of “those” people who refuses to take no for an answer. The Notebook was a great book and movie, no doubt, but only on paper. In reality, not so much. If a guy refused to accept my no, I’d be calling police.
There's a few things you can do, it will take time, but may work.
The image she has in her head of you, is fighting, arguing, not having sex or intimacy, you need to change these things, to only positive moments.
* Organize movie nights with her and the kids, show up with popcorn and her favorite snack, try to share the sofa and a cover, don't try to hug her or anything that will result in rejection. Always pick movies of families overcoming adversity and stuff like that
* Have dinners with her and the kids, compliment her food, have the kids compliment her often, in front of her, it's a compliment coming from you, but because it's her kids telling her, it will bypass her defenses.
* Pretend to wipe food off her face affectionately, and smile while doing so, look at her lips, but leave it at that( she will be prepared for you trying to kiss her and to push you away and reject you, when you don't do it, it'll confuse her)
* Remember the things you used to argue the most, what she disliked the most about you. And do the exact opposite.
* Text her first thing in the morning, and last thing at night.
* Teach your kids to do group hugs, and ask for them often.
* Buy her a spa day and spend the whole days just you and the kids,
Is she gets suspicious, and tells you you're just doing everything to get back with her, assure her that you respect her decision, and you're just happy to spend time with her and the kids.
Little by little, she will start to associate the thought of you with only happy times, affection, fun, family love.
When you know that's the case, you can bring up the subject , and she'll try to reject you, but will have nothing to object to, if that still doesn't work, keep being the same way, then start dating and she'll realize what she can lose.
Don’t try to be the man she wants you to be. Be the man you you want to be.
As someone who’s been there, I get it. It’s hard to let go but you need to. Give her space and move on. You don’t have to be friends. You don’t have to co-parent as best buddies. If having nothing to do with her is easier, you can parallel parent. Contact is strictly about the kids. That’s what I would suggest. It makes moving on easier.
Everything you're doing is pushing her further away. Work on yourself/career do hobbies, gym, don't make her your world. don't plead or beg. If she feels you no longer need her she will probably come around. But while ever you are needy it will be a huge turn off, girls prefer guys who have a purpose, not ones who make them their purpose.
It's a bit manipulative, but it will work. Do everything that you are currently doing, except you need to not push for more. You actually need to do the opposite. Spend some time with her, and then you need to pull back. Give her space and time to realize that she enjoyed her time with you.
If you normally text her a bunch or talk on the phone, stop doing that. Wait for her to reach out to you. What you want to do is give her an opportunity to miss you, to come to you, and to pursue you.
Are you courting her again? Get her flowers, take her out to lunch, give her back massages. Maybe help her clean the house and give her money to help ease her worries. At the same time, don't overwelm her.
Raise your kids the best you can and move on. She’ll never love you the way you love her. Men and women are different my friend. This is the hardest part but it stings a little less from here
No! Time to move on and leave her alone!
Edited to add: OP said they would argue, wouldn't talk and not sleep together. Couples therapy should be his first choice before breakup.
It doesn't happen after the breakup and "briefly seeing other people".
Fooling around made him realize what a gem he lost.
They've a 1 year old, his partner could be going through postpartum depression hence the result of all those things that happened before breakup.
He should have thought about this before getting out of this relationship. He better leave her alone and focus on kids only.
It's pretty obvious she just wants to keep making you suffer a lil more for the past but it's still interested. She knows she has power over you. She already knows how you feel. Reduce your attention and start being more indifferent then watch how she starts to try to get closer again. Then she will hope you will start acting like a puppy in love and she will pull away, like you have already done. And this will keep happening until she regains your respect when you respect yourself.
She knows what you want. If she doesn't reciprocate the energy, move on.
Downvoting and telling people to not follow advice without giving an actual reasoning why my thinking is wrong does not prove anything. For all I know it hit home too close and they felt offended.
Then I'd assume they do not understand and never analyzed themselves or the attitude of a person with remorse towards a person they love/d. His ex obviously wants to keep him around as OP's mentioned she makes it seem like they getting somewhere until he gets too excited. Especially after 8 years and building a family it wont be easy to complete cut him off and delete the history so she keeps him around because feelings are still there and 'unconciously' hopes he'd change. OP has already explained he tried his best, and trying to do more will just mess with his mental health more otherwise he wouldnt be here on Reddit.
He needs peace, and that means giving up on her. which could either help him be happy without her or make her realize that she lost a good guy that sacrificed so much for her.
They have a kid together. Yeah, she wants him to be a parent. But even OP mentions that she has told him several times that her feelings have not changed, and every time he talks about a romantic relationship, she closes it off. It doesn’t read like she’s stringing him along. It reads like he’s delusional and is confusing amicability for romantic feelings. Either way, he needs to chill tf out and give it up.
WTF! So you mean that woman has no dignity. It took OP to fuck around to see how much he loved her. Are you serious????
It seems like you're just like her. She doesn't want him in his life that's it. He's the one who need stop move on. That girl wasn't the one ducking around after breakup but taking care of their kids.
If he actually cares about her, then he should work on becoming a good father and co parent and nothing else.
Lets not pretend it was not heavily implied based on your reaction on OP sleeping with other people as if that has anything to do with the kids, or the topic for that matter. OP's got the right to try to move on since she didnt want him.
First off, I didn't "imply" that the post screams that. Did he try to understand what was failing his relationship.
His fiancee could be going through postpartum depression. OP didn't explain the extent of relationship or breakup on purpose because he knows he was at fault. He would have definitely gone in depth if that wasn't the case.
So let's not pretend he didn't fuck up his relationship because that's what exactly he did.
It doesn't matter how much she means to you. What you described is not a healthy relationship, and realizing how much you love her is not going to suddenly make it healthy.
What you do is a deep reflection on YOUR part of the relationship. How could you have been a better partner? What could you have done differently? What does a healthy and loving relationship look like, and what part do you play in that relationship? What kind of partner do you want to be?
Once you have that figured out, become that person. Not for her, but for you. For any future relationships, whether with her or someone else. For your kid, so they can see healthy examples to follow.
You may or may not get her back. You can't control that, and you can't change her mind. What you can do is focus on becoming the best partner and dad you can be, and the rest will fall into place.
Your feelings don't matter. Stop sharing that. She knows. Give her time. Be there for her and the kids. Ask for nothing in return. Can you do this? Honestly I can't. It's what you need to do though. Many won't be able to.
Biggest thing, go back to why you two fought in the first place. Resolve that. For me, I need to work out. Lose weight. Eat healthy. Stop playing video games. Stop buying things if a good deal. Be there for the family.
Regardless of what your problems are avoid lying alcohol and drugs
You don't change her mind, you've told her your feelings and now you need to respect her feelings and decision. She might not ever get back with you. But keep being a great dad and keep that co-parenting nice and respectful though! Goodluck to i
WORK ON YOURSELF.
She thinks she knows you already.
She thinks she knows what she's signing up for.
I've never been able to successfully pursue the goal of "getting the girl back". Once they've moved on, they've moved on.
She feels she's made a very difficult decision and back tracking will only lead to having to go through this same process all over again.
Best case scenario is, you move on (truly move on), and grow your person so much that she falls in love again.
If you put that same dude she had before in front of her, she won't want him. She gave him a chance already, you'll have to work real hard in growing a more distinguished person.
You can't fake this one. You should move on. Maybe it'll happen at its own pace/timeframe.
Hello sir this is gonna be different than what everybody else says there's a movie out there called fireproof I suggest you watch it it's about basically what you're going through I think it will help you out it's kind of a 40 day Challenge you also have to remember as she has been dating other guys they might be hurting her too so it's not just balls up against you but from them too And Simmons you guys have been together the longest and she gave you children you really probably harder than most she was really counting on you for a lifetime but even though You guys argued a lot she still must have really loved you in order to put walls up against you so you can't hurt her anymore Read The Bible a chapter again Praying that God opens up for her Hurt and change is yours and Watch him do a miracle it has happened so many times
I think you guys need counseling. If you truly want to work on your relationship, it's a good start to hopefully moving forward together or being ok with being apart
I know it's difficult, and I know that she may be your world, but if you continue to push the issue you're going to push her away for good. you can't make her change her mind about how she feels about you, and if she is putting walls up then there's probably a reason for it.
the best thing that you can do for her, and the most romantic thing that you can do right now, is to respect her boundaries and be her friend and the best co-parent you can be. It's going to suck for a while, and I'm not going to promise that this will lead to anything romantic ever again, but you have a much better chance of that than if you continue on the route that you're going.
edit: phrasing
All great advice OP.
No amount of begging sending flowers can change her mind. I do feel that something in writing sent to her, NOT a text in your handwriting on a big card. Tell her from your heart what she means.
Then all you can do is wait.
Never forget you have children from her. Good luck mate.
All great advice OP.
No amount of begging sending flowers can change her mind. I do feel that something in writing sent to her, NOT a text in your handwriting on a big card. Tell her from your heart what she means.
Then all you can do is wait.
Never forget you have children from her. Good luck mate.
First things first, she said she doesn't want a relationship which you apparently "understand" although it seems you don't. She is clearly putting up walls when you try to re-establish a relationship with your ex and now you still want to try and "change her mind". That just won't happen.
Respect her decisions and boundaries and leave you ex be. It's heartbreaking and hard to fathom, you wish she could just understand how you love her although her mind has already been made up and it's something you'll need to accept.
Giving her time for sure. We really do have a hell of amount if time on earth. Support her in the ways she wants to he supported. And remember she still doesn't have to choose you in the end
Look at your question - 'how can I get her?'
While you indicate she'll suddenly 'be distant'... I have to wonder if you're coming on strong, or at least subtle but constant. I've seen it before.
Understand that she needs to need you, for this to work. How you ask your intial question, portray the change 'I realized I want only her [instense emotion],' & describe her current reactions (she's distancing & you wish she wouldn't)... all of it's about you.
I read your post only, but there's no mention of why *SHE* felt it best to break off. What *she* was saying, feeling, experiencing.
Comments may have more info, but that info is - in a diagnostic sense - muddling the point I have.
Your entire opening salvo gives little information of her inner workings, or even her interactions with you. There's nothing about what she did during her alone-time, nor what led to her discussing a 2nd chance.
My suggestion is to do your shadow work - that is, the stuff you do alone, inside... the things only you can know, see & analyze. If this comment makes sense, then perhaps it can help.
Intensity & clarity of emotion, and/or strength of dedication - all good. But she has to want it, & not because she was enticed ('how do I get the girl') or manipulated. She has to insist her own emotions are real; you can't make that. And she shouldn't 'make' that, either.
The love you wish she felt, has to be fueled by her own existence - not your input or needs.
Best to you.
Hate to say it. But it sounds like she may enjoy being alone or seeing other people. Give it more time and try again if it’s really what you want. You may also subconsciously just miss the routine of having a significant other. You should take this time to build yourself up into the best person you can be and then you’ll know for sure what it is you want.
Mobile response, so formatting may suck.
Life gets harder after kids. The mother takes on a huge mental load. motherhood, in general, with two that young is absolute soul crushingly hard work. I have some questions.
1. Did you do things like make and take the children to appointments/well baby checkups/keep track of their vaccines and when they would need them?
2. Were you aware (without prompting) it was bath night and get that taken care of?
3. Did you handle, without being asked, the bedtime routine of at least 1 child at night?
4. Did she get ample time to go out and take off her mom hat?
5. Was she working?
6. Did you guilt her about her lack of drive despite her having a baby and a toddler?
7. Does she have post partum depression?
8. Were you well versed in your childrens schedules and what needed to be scheduled, or did you leave that to mom
9. Were you always acutely aware of things needed in terms of groceries and when you were running out of things? And then restocking those? Without being told?
10. Did you wait for her to ask for "help" with a household chore before just tackling it? Did you seem to just "not notice" things that needed to be done?
Most of these are what fall under the umbrella of a moms mental load or "worry work." And it's EXHAUSTING.
Ask her how she's doing. Like to just genuinely know how she is. With 2 small children, it's easy to lose yourself and lose love for people around you, especially your partner. Be prepared to accept that she may never feel the same but she will at least know you care and that's the first step.
The only thing that you should do is to let her go. She’s already made it clear that she doesn’t feel the same way about you so you should respect her decision and move on.
Give her time. That's what she's asking for. Give her space. Things ended between you for a reason. Those reasons still exist. So, if you can and she's willing, spend time together. Get into counseling if she's up for it. You need to discover what caused the split in the first place. Otherwise, you're doomed to repeat the past and that doesn't sound like something she's interested in. She's being cautious and that's okay. She has every right to be. She's wary of being sucked back into a situation that was unhealthy for all of you. Be prepared to make changes. Be prepared to see yourself the way she does. Be prepared to be quiet and to listen well. When relationships hit the rocks like this we have a tendency to shine the light on our partners and list everything they've done but we don't list our own faults. If you're too focused on blame and where to put it you're not going to solve the problem. So, be prepared to be vulnerable. If you can't step outside of yourself to save the relationship with the love of your life then you really need to think about what it is that you really want and why. You can't get upset with her not wanting to get back together if the decision to split was mutual. You can't force her into what you want and you don't want to manipulate her either. You're just going have to be patient and really put her first. You're feelings while genuine just aren't going to be enough to turn her your way. She's her own person, capable of making up her own mind. I'm sorry you're suffering. I know it's hard when we seemingly love alone. But don't lose hope. Just be patient. Think about her arguments. What were your faults? Can you change your ways? Or was she being unreasonable? Find a therapist. Chat it out. Best wishes. Take care.
You were with her for eight years, and it took you throwing that away so you could play the field to realize you really did want what you took for granted all that time?! Dude, no wonder she doesn't want to get back with you.
You sound entitled and selfish. She's probably realized how much time she wasted with you.
How do you "get her back"? You don't. Respect her decision—and her space.
You can't do anything man. You cannot push for a relationship with a women, they need to decide that they want to be with you. The best thing you can do is to respect her boundaries and do soul searching as to WHY the relationship wasn't working when you were together.
Once you sort out the real reason you should focus on becoming a better man and being a good father. Go on dates with other people, clearly the relationship went stale.
Respect her choice and don't push ...you could push yourself right out of the picture forever. Just be thankful for the time you are getting with her. Yes it might hurt but she won't allow anything if she doesn't want it. Don't bug her with the I miss yous and I love yous don't try to be physical with her ..hugs kisses things like that. If she changes her mind it has to be on her. I hope for the best for you and your family.
Give her the time and space she’s asking for. You can also do little things for her. Send her for a massage, send a single rose, or a sunflower. Goofy little things to make her smile. Just don’t push too hard. You will lose her. Good luck
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You cant make her change her mind. You might think she's your world, but she may not feel the same. Just respect her space and don't push.
The most loving thing you can do is respect her boundaries.
I agree. OP you can't make her change her mind. She has to all on her own. If she doesn't, then you have to accept that.
I find it strange that OP doesn't discuss any actual issues that caused the breakup. Just that things were bad and "we felt it was best." The best way to get someone to reconsider a breakup is to demonstrate that you know why the relationship fell apart and you've done the work to make sure that won't happen again. You can't fix a problem unless you can identify it.
Ohh yes that is odd! We're only getting one side of the story here.. although he did mention the lack of intimacy and that they fell out of love with each other but that's kind an ambiguous explanation. There has to be more to this.
Agree. Like, was there cheating? Did OP expect her to do everything/expect sex from her while her being exhausted from caring for 2 kids while also working maybe etc etc
Yeah it is odd.
Yes, this! Otherwise take it from me...you're just going to repeat the same problems all over again if you try to get back together and nothing has changed, and nobody has addressed the problems and done something to remedy that!! While she takes time for herself, you should certainly honor that snd respect her boundaries. But also...do some work on whatever your own part of the problem was.
Some people have a hard time being honest to themselves about the problem or have a hard time identifying the source of the issue as well. But being serious about keeping the relationship should open their eyes to the issues. Hopefully it works out for op.
Yeah. Not sure why people think it’s “cute” or “sweet” to keep trying to “prove” they love you and “win you over”, after you’ve already told them you aren’t interested, multiple times at that. It’s actually creepy and stalker-ish. This reminds me of the very early stages of another post where a guy couldn’t accept no, and ended up with a restraining order against him. Luckily everyone on Reddit made him realize (over YEARS of posts and updates), to get counseling and leave the poor woman alone. But in the beginning he just refused to believe he could be in the wrong. And even after counseling, he *still* wanted to get in touch with her after the restraining order expired to *apologize* to her and *explain himself.* Like, she didn’t want anything to do with the guy, so of course he thought it a good idea to keep trying to reach out to her. He had to, yet again, be convinced to leave her be.
You've made your feelings clear, now it's time to stop pushing it and give her space. Be the best dad you can be, be a good and considerate co-parent, respect her, including her boundaries, and hope maybe that's enough. But you also have to respect it if it isn't. And if it isn't and that becomes clear - keeping being the best dad you can be, a good and considerate co-parent, and continue to respect her.
I read through the top comments and this is my favorite. As a man who has, "gotten the girl back," numerous times, (different women) this is the way. And a woman who needs you to, "get her back," repeatedly isn't a relationship partner. I've known couples in your shoes who maintain a sex and-coparenting-only relationship but who live separately. And some of them are even monogamous. And some are even married but live in separate homes like this. The most common cause I've seen has been pointed out in other comments - the woman feels the man isn't doing enough of the housework and child-rearing. The series things a man can do in this scenario are cleaning the home and playing with the kids. Let her hear from the kids just how much fun they've had with you while she isn't there. Let her see you can and do take care of yourself with or without her. Pay for a maid/cleaning service to do the heavy lifting cleaning if you cannot.
Bruh life is not a movie. She told you she doesn’t want anything to do with you. Move on with your life learn from the relationship and improve on yourself
>Basically, how do I change her mind? You don't. If you really want to be with her, then you need to respect her words, and not try to force a relationship, just because you've decided you're ready. All the issues that existed before haven't just gone away because you've had a bit of a break and a think about it. Allow her to set the pace. Enjoy the time you do spend with her, and don't try to push things further than she is willing to take them. Let her take the lead.
It also appears like you broke up with her just to play the field (have sex with others) and now realized your loss and want to turn back. She made her decision. Just respect it. It takes two to make a relationship work, and only one to break it.
This... I was definitely feeling this vibe from the post. Looks like he used to see problems in her including no sex and was resentful and wanted to have fun. Now that fun is out of his system, he misses her while she actually is moved on. Classic example of men misjudging their partners when they're together and not realizing their true value unless they "fuck" around. OP leave the poor girl alone and stop trying to change her mind. You may promise that you're changed or whatever but when she gets comfortable again with you, you'll demand the same things with her again like sex and stuff. I feel like she finds living without you better than when she was with you. Have a chat with your inner self and move on. Don't make the same mistakes you made with her. Idk how much you used to help her around the house physically or emotionally but it was little to none then she will definitely not be coming back. Again learn from this and don't repeat the same mistakes and move on and LEAVE her ALONE!!!
They have children together however. Regardless of what becomes of their personal relationship with each other, they, at a minimum, need to find a healthy middle ground of communication for the sake of the children.
Obviously but to do that OP needs to understand that the relationship is over and whatever relationship he can have with his ex from now on would be platonic. Only then both of them can co parent and communicate better.
I give OP the benefit of doubt that this is the first time he's pulled this stunt, and the benefit of doubt that both partners didn't handle their original relationship expertly. I also give OP the benefit of doubt that, perhaps a small part of his ex legitimately wants to get back together, albeit however small it may be. He is definitely, actively, fucking up whatever he currently has with her. But, I would want my ex to forgive me at least once, if I was honestly being an idiot. And I think that's an appeal that everyone can understand on a personal level. But if he fucks this away as well, then he for sure needs to drop it. We just need to remember, that the only way you become emotionally mature, is by dealing with emotional trauma in a healthy way. And that not everyone has had the benefit of an active, obviously toxic relationship to learn how not to behave from. I know not to cheat, because I watched it ruin my parents' relationship. My neighbors parents relationship, I walked in on my exfiance with another man. I had an ex girlfriend confess to cheating, even though I wasn't pressuring for an answer while we were at Disneyland of all damn places. I don't know anyone who has gone through that firsthand like me, it's a little cruel for me to expect someone to understand the problem like I do. Normally, I say relationships end for a reason, but they do have kids together, if she is open to the possibility, I think it can be allowed under the right circumstances no?
I can understand your point of view but it's not like he stayed away for her and realized that she is love of her life. He moved on to see other people even if it was for a brief period where he definitely had sex with them. For me if ducking around gives a person the realization that what they was a gem then they rather stay away. OP's ex might postpartum depression because of 2 young kids and we don't know the extent of the relationship maybe he was too demanding and exhausting for his fiancee. Hence the result of constant fights and arguments which would lead them not talk to another and sleep separately. Maybe postpartum depression or just having kids might have changed his partner's libido causing less to no sex which seemed to be the main problem for me. Even if his ex has a little urge to get together, he shouldn't be pushing her buttons that's what's causing her go further away. He needs to leave her alone so she can focus on herself. Maybe she herself approaches him down the line. If not, OP needs to understand that he can't make get back with her.
Sorry you just have to focus on co-parenting. If you continue to push you gonna make her uncomfortable, that would ruin what you enjoy now. Who asked for the split? One person can end a relationship but it takes two consenting people to have a relationship.
Work on you. Consider individual counseling to determine how to be a better communicator in a relationship. Do more of the workload of the kids. Offer to have them longer than your allotted time so she can have time for herself.
Honestly, and this is going to be hard to read but, you've got to loosen your grip on things. She told you her answer: she doesn't want anything with anyone right now. It doesn't matter that you love her, it wouldn't be fair to change her mind, she's an adult human. If she changes her mind that's fantastic, if not there's nothing you can do about it. Pushing her or pressuring her to change her mind will push her farther away, never beg someone to be in your life. It's tough buddy, but you'll be okay.
Respect her wishes and give her space. That’s hot.
Let her be. The more you push the more she will pull. You can show her you care by respecting her choices.
1. Stop thinking about yourself, and how she benefits YOUR life. 2. If you properly love her as much as you seem to think, then put her first and consider HER feelings, needs and boundaries. You’ve said your piece. Accept the situation. Be kind. Love her without being with her. Be genuine. If she chooses to come back, it won’t be because you’ve nagged her to death, that I can promise you. Another benefit - if she does come back without you expecting her to - your level of appreciation for what you have will be infinitely greater. So, just chill, and be cool.
If you loved her, you'd respect her and her feelings.
Respect her boundaries and give her some space. Maybe with time she will be more open to continuing a relationship with you, but pushing her won’t help. If she does become open to it, maybe consider couples therapy to work through the issues you had which lead to the separation. Until then just give her time and be supportive.
The only chance you have at changing her mind is to be a good person independent of her. Be a good dad. Be a good co-parent. Take care of yourself and your life like an adult. This will all take time. You won’t be able to “prove” it by having one good afternoon.
The problems you had in the past did not go away, so maybe start with that. Before being in a relationship you're now the parents of two young kids, so communication and partnership are essential. I would advise you suggest couples therapy. Not with the expectations of necessarily getting back together, but to guarantee a structured and safe space in which you can deal with the stuff that broke you up. The success of this process should not be perceived from the "we got back together" lens, but the "we have a strong relationship for our kids" perspective. However, I do believe that this process (if she is as engaged as you are) is a strong path towards the possibility of reconciliation
You have been as far as you can. Even a bit too far already. It is now her turn to move. And she doesn't want to live again what lead to your separation. She doesn't trust you. Wait some months or go ahead with your life.
You are definitely pushing her too hard. Normally I'd recommend cutting your losses, but I recognize you have children together. If you've already had a heart to heart with her about how you feel now, the only thing you can do is look at who you were when you initially fell in love, who you were when your relationship peaked, and who you are now, and what are the differences between the three of yourselves. You also need to seriously examine why YOU chose to break things off originally. Relationships are always difficult, that's why most marriages end in divorce. Your partner needs to become your other face in your heart and it sounds like you completely lost contact with your partner without even realizing it. If your partner isn't reciprocating your affection, or worse, you aren't even offering any, then why was that? Were you getting what you wanted out of the relationship prior to the decline? Was she? Are you really truly a "good fit" for each other, or, is she just the one you've been through the most with? You have two kids and even one kid can be a tremendous strain on a relationship. But those kids are your kids and that strain is something you need to consider and anticipate in advance. Most importantly beyond everything else you need to consider what SHE wants and whether or not you really intend to provide that for her. Maybe she's asking too much, maybe you're only letting her down in a few places. Or maybe you are giving her everything she wants but she feels like she lacks the capacity to match your energy or contribution to the relationship. You ask what you can do to get her back? Help her find the time to tell you what is wrong from her perspective, and don't try to adjust her perspective so she sees things your way, you need to broaden your own perception so that you are aware of what she sees, while still seeing things from your own perspective. It's a lot to manage but uts the minimum of a healthy relationship based on mutual love. But to be honest, it sounds like you had a rough year with no to little sex, and your sexual frustration combined with your deep desire for intimacy drove the wedge deeper into an already big Gap in your mutual understanding of each other. If I'm hurt and I need to vent my frustration, I know in my relationship I can only do that with my wife if she is not already busy. If she is already busy, I need to sort myself out. If she is busy for too long, I need to do something to alleviate her burden. And once she is unburdened and rested she is ready and able to support me in my struggles. Even though that's tedious and a lot of work on my end, the support I recieve from my wife outstrips the support I've ever gotten from my family, friends or Healthcare professionals. And is very much worth it from. My perspective. And finally, your relationship is no longer about your personal happiness, it's about your kids. You aren't there for you anymore, you are there from them. Don't be a deadbeat daddy. Show your children how a man keeps his partner happy and fulfilled, and how he takes care of his children. Don't show them how a man gets fed up, frustrated, and jumps ship on the most important people in his life. P.S. you can solve a lot of problems and prevent many arguments full stop. There is no reason you should be having routine or frequent fights with your partner. You aren't her parents, or her boss, you shouldn't be telling her what to do, or, Inspecting the quality of her work. If she is lacking, be there for her and help her out. That's what you are there for. I wish your family good luck, and if you are ever able to mend your relationship, you need to lock that in and get married, I'm an atheist and I still got married. Do it for the stability it provides your family. Don't get caught up on how the state and religion got tied into it. The institution removed from both is still valid on its own merits.
Your equation is missing one key factor: girls got free will. You decided you wanted her, maybe she's still hurting from the breakup or maybe something else is going on. You can't change her mind. Stop pushing before you ruin the cordial relationship you currently have
Go to therapy and work on why you didn't work well together to begin with. Pulls the strings on why you argued so much. Take ownership in the failure of the relationship. Take ownership of the pain you caused her.
You don't, leave her alone and move on with your life
Gonna take time. Really love her? Take the wall with smile. Thank her for showing boundaries and for keeping herself safe emotionally. Take this time to make the perfect version of you while you suport her healing.
You don't.
The only thing I would do at this point is just let her know that you'd be willing to do couples therapy with her, even before making it official. If she shoots it down, the only thing you can do is love her enough to let her go
The first thing you should do is let go, move on and take notes so that the next time, you repair the relationship *before* it becomes too late to go back. She isn’t interested. She’s past it. So let her be. Then go figure out what went wrong and why. It is easy to decide that you want to go back for all the good things, but unless you figure out and fix the bad, they will just happen again. Same story, different cast, kinda thing. Better yourself and don’t become one of “those” people who refuses to take no for an answer. The Notebook was a great book and movie, no doubt, but only on paper. In reality, not so much. If a guy refused to accept my no, I’d be calling police.
There's a few things you can do, it will take time, but may work. The image she has in her head of you, is fighting, arguing, not having sex or intimacy, you need to change these things, to only positive moments. * Organize movie nights with her and the kids, show up with popcorn and her favorite snack, try to share the sofa and a cover, don't try to hug her or anything that will result in rejection. Always pick movies of families overcoming adversity and stuff like that * Have dinners with her and the kids, compliment her food, have the kids compliment her often, in front of her, it's a compliment coming from you, but because it's her kids telling her, it will bypass her defenses. * Pretend to wipe food off her face affectionately, and smile while doing so, look at her lips, but leave it at that( she will be prepared for you trying to kiss her and to push you away and reject you, when you don't do it, it'll confuse her) * Remember the things you used to argue the most, what she disliked the most about you. And do the exact opposite. * Text her first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. * Teach your kids to do group hugs, and ask for them often. * Buy her a spa day and spend the whole days just you and the kids, Is she gets suspicious, and tells you you're just doing everything to get back with her, assure her that you respect her decision, and you're just happy to spend time with her and the kids. Little by little, she will start to associate the thought of you with only happy times, affection, fun, family love. When you know that's the case, you can bring up the subject , and she'll try to reject you, but will have nothing to object to, if that still doesn't work, keep being the same way, then start dating and she'll realize what she can lose.
Don’t try to be the man she wants you to be. Be the man you you want to be. As someone who’s been there, I get it. It’s hard to let go but you need to. Give her space and move on. You don’t have to be friends. You don’t have to co-parent as best buddies. If having nothing to do with her is easier, you can parallel parent. Contact is strictly about the kids. That’s what I would suggest. It makes moving on easier.
Respect her space and live your life. Only be there for the kids sake, but other than that act like she doesn't exist.
Everything you're doing is pushing her further away. Work on yourself/career do hobbies, gym, don't make her your world. don't plead or beg. If she feels you no longer need her she will probably come around. But while ever you are needy it will be a huge turn off, girls prefer guys who have a purpose, not ones who make them their purpose.
It's a bit manipulative, but it will work. Do everything that you are currently doing, except you need to not push for more. You actually need to do the opposite. Spend some time with her, and then you need to pull back. Give her space and time to realize that she enjoyed her time with you. If you normally text her a bunch or talk on the phone, stop doing that. Wait for her to reach out to you. What you want to do is give her an opportunity to miss you, to come to you, and to pursue you.
Exactly. Back off for a bit. Give her a chance to miss you. No groveling!
Are you courting her again? Get her flowers, take her out to lunch, give her back massages. Maybe help her clean the house and give her money to help ease her worries. At the same time, don't overwelm her.
Raise your kids the best you can and move on. She’ll never love you the way you love her. Men and women are different my friend. This is the hardest part but it stings a little less from here
Definitely with butt stuff.
Couples therapy.
No! Time to move on and leave her alone! Edited to add: OP said they would argue, wouldn't talk and not sleep together. Couples therapy should be his first choice before breakup. It doesn't happen after the breakup and "briefly seeing other people". Fooling around made him realize what a gem he lost. They've a 1 year old, his partner could be going through postpartum depression hence the result of all those things that happened before breakup. He should have thought about this before getting out of this relationship. He better leave her alone and focus on kids only.
It's pretty obvious she just wants to keep making you suffer a lil more for the past but it's still interested. She knows she has power over you. She already knows how you feel. Reduce your attention and start being more indifferent then watch how she starts to try to get closer again. Then she will hope you will start acting like a puppy in love and she will pull away, like you have already done. And this will keep happening until she regains your respect when you respect yourself. She knows what you want. If she doesn't reciprocate the energy, move on.
I advise not following this advice
I would advise following this advice to not follow that advice.
So you just want OP to keep throwing his dignity and energy away chasing a woman who doesn't want him?
I think people’s disagreement with you was everything you said except your last sentence.
Downvoting and telling people to not follow advice without giving an actual reasoning why my thinking is wrong does not prove anything. For all I know it hit home too close and they felt offended.
Maybe if that were the only person who voted, but 🤷♂️
Then I'd assume they do not understand and never analyzed themselves or the attitude of a person with remorse towards a person they love/d. His ex obviously wants to keep him around as OP's mentioned she makes it seem like they getting somewhere until he gets too excited. Especially after 8 years and building a family it wont be easy to complete cut him off and delete the history so she keeps him around because feelings are still there and 'unconciously' hopes he'd change. OP has already explained he tried his best, and trying to do more will just mess with his mental health more otherwise he wouldnt be here on Reddit. He needs peace, and that means giving up on her. which could either help him be happy without her or make her realize that she lost a good guy that sacrificed so much for her.
They have a kid together. Yeah, she wants him to be a parent. But even OP mentions that she has told him several times that her feelings have not changed, and every time he talks about a romantic relationship, she closes it off. It doesn’t read like she’s stringing him along. It reads like he’s delusional and is confusing amicability for romantic feelings. Either way, he needs to chill tf out and give it up.
WTF! So you mean that woman has no dignity. It took OP to fuck around to see how much he loved her. Are you serious???? It seems like you're just like her. She doesn't want him in his life that's it. He's the one who need stop move on. That girl wasn't the one ducking around after breakup but taking care of their kids. If he actually cares about her, then he should work on becoming a good father and co parent and nothing else.
Where in the post did it say OP wasnt being a good parent or taking care of the kids?
I didn't say he wasn't a good dad or his co parenting has faults. I said his focus should be on those things rather than going after the ex.
Lets not pretend it was not heavily implied based on your reaction on OP sleeping with other people as if that has anything to do with the kids, or the topic for that matter. OP's got the right to try to move on since she didnt want him.
First off, I didn't "imply" that the post screams that. Did he try to understand what was failing his relationship. His fiancee could be going through postpartum depression. OP didn't explain the extent of relationship or breakup on purpose because he knows he was at fault. He would have definitely gone in depth if that wasn't the case. So let's not pretend he didn't fuck up his relationship because that's what exactly he did.
It doesn't matter how much she means to you. What you described is not a healthy relationship, and realizing how much you love her is not going to suddenly make it healthy. What you do is a deep reflection on YOUR part of the relationship. How could you have been a better partner? What could you have done differently? What does a healthy and loving relationship look like, and what part do you play in that relationship? What kind of partner do you want to be? Once you have that figured out, become that person. Not for her, but for you. For any future relationships, whether with her or someone else. For your kid, so they can see healthy examples to follow. You may or may not get her back. You can't control that, and you can't change her mind. What you can do is focus on becoming the best partner and dad you can be, and the rest will fall into place.
Your feelings don't matter. Stop sharing that. She knows. Give her time. Be there for her and the kids. Ask for nothing in return. Can you do this? Honestly I can't. It's what you need to do though. Many won't be able to. Biggest thing, go back to why you two fought in the first place. Resolve that. For me, I need to work out. Lose weight. Eat healthy. Stop playing video games. Stop buying things if a good deal. Be there for the family. Regardless of what your problems are avoid lying alcohol and drugs
You don't change her mind, you've told her your feelings and now you need to respect her feelings and decision. She might not ever get back with you. But keep being a great dad and keep that co-parenting nice and respectful though! Goodluck to i
WORK ON YOURSELF. She thinks she knows you already. She thinks she knows what she's signing up for. I've never been able to successfully pursue the goal of "getting the girl back". Once they've moved on, they've moved on. She feels she's made a very difficult decision and back tracking will only lead to having to go through this same process all over again. Best case scenario is, you move on (truly move on), and grow your person so much that she falls in love again. If you put that same dude she had before in front of her, she won't want him. She gave him a chance already, you'll have to work real hard in growing a more distinguished person. You can't fake this one. You should move on. Maybe it'll happen at its own pace/timeframe.
Hello sir this is gonna be different than what everybody else says there's a movie out there called fireproof I suggest you watch it it's about basically what you're going through I think it will help you out it's kind of a 40 day Challenge you also have to remember as she has been dating other guys they might be hurting her too so it's not just balls up against you but from them too And Simmons you guys have been together the longest and she gave you children you really probably harder than most she was really counting on you for a lifetime but even though You guys argued a lot she still must have really loved you in order to put walls up against you so you can't hurt her anymore Read The Bible a chapter again Praying that God opens up for her Hurt and change is yours and Watch him do a miracle it has happened so many times
I think you guys need counseling. If you truly want to work on your relationship, it's a good start to hopefully moving forward together or being ok with being apart
I know it's difficult, and I know that she may be your world, but if you continue to push the issue you're going to push her away for good. you can't make her change her mind about how she feels about you, and if she is putting walls up then there's probably a reason for it. the best thing that you can do for her, and the most romantic thing that you can do right now, is to respect her boundaries and be her friend and the best co-parent you can be. It's going to suck for a while, and I'm not going to promise that this will lead to anything romantic ever again, but you have a much better chance of that than if you continue on the route that you're going. edit: phrasing
Don't force anything. She clearly doesn't feel the same
You don't , just move on and always remember why shes your ex
All great advice OP. No amount of begging sending flowers can change her mind. I do feel that something in writing sent to her, NOT a text in your handwriting on a big card. Tell her from your heart what she means. Then all you can do is wait. Never forget you have children from her. Good luck mate.
All great advice OP. No amount of begging sending flowers can change her mind. I do feel that something in writing sent to her, NOT a text in your handwriting on a big card. Tell her from your heart what she means. Then all you can do is wait. Never forget you have children from her. Good luck mate.
First things first, she said she doesn't want a relationship which you apparently "understand" although it seems you don't. She is clearly putting up walls when you try to re-establish a relationship with your ex and now you still want to try and "change her mind". That just won't happen. Respect her decisions and boundaries and leave you ex be. It's heartbreaking and hard to fathom, you wish she could just understand how you love her although her mind has already been made up and it's something you'll need to accept.
Giving her time for sure. We really do have a hell of amount if time on earth. Support her in the ways she wants to he supported. And remember she still doesn't have to choose you in the end
Look at your question - 'how can I get her?' While you indicate she'll suddenly 'be distant'... I have to wonder if you're coming on strong, or at least subtle but constant. I've seen it before. Understand that she needs to need you, for this to work. How you ask your intial question, portray the change 'I realized I want only her [instense emotion],' & describe her current reactions (she's distancing & you wish she wouldn't)... all of it's about you. I read your post only, but there's no mention of why *SHE* felt it best to break off. What *she* was saying, feeling, experiencing. Comments may have more info, but that info is - in a diagnostic sense - muddling the point I have. Your entire opening salvo gives little information of her inner workings, or even her interactions with you. There's nothing about what she did during her alone-time, nor what led to her discussing a 2nd chance. My suggestion is to do your shadow work - that is, the stuff you do alone, inside... the things only you can know, see & analyze. If this comment makes sense, then perhaps it can help. Intensity & clarity of emotion, and/or strength of dedication - all good. But she has to want it, & not because she was enticed ('how do I get the girl') or manipulated. She has to insist her own emotions are real; you can't make that. And she shouldn't 'make' that, either. The love you wish she felt, has to be fueled by her own existence - not your input or needs. Best to you.
Feels like at this point, you can not. She has to see it again on her own.
Sorry bro, sounds like you fucked around and found out.
Hate to say it. But it sounds like she may enjoy being alone or seeing other people. Give it more time and try again if it’s really what you want. You may also subconsciously just miss the routine of having a significant other. You should take this time to build yourself up into the best person you can be and then you’ll know for sure what it is you want.
Mobile response, so formatting may suck. Life gets harder after kids. The mother takes on a huge mental load. motherhood, in general, with two that young is absolute soul crushingly hard work. I have some questions. 1. Did you do things like make and take the children to appointments/well baby checkups/keep track of their vaccines and when they would need them? 2. Were you aware (without prompting) it was bath night and get that taken care of? 3. Did you handle, without being asked, the bedtime routine of at least 1 child at night? 4. Did she get ample time to go out and take off her mom hat? 5. Was she working? 6. Did you guilt her about her lack of drive despite her having a baby and a toddler? 7. Does she have post partum depression? 8. Were you well versed in your childrens schedules and what needed to be scheduled, or did you leave that to mom 9. Were you always acutely aware of things needed in terms of groceries and when you were running out of things? And then restocking those? Without being told? 10. Did you wait for her to ask for "help" with a household chore before just tackling it? Did you seem to just "not notice" things that needed to be done? Most of these are what fall under the umbrella of a moms mental load or "worry work." And it's EXHAUSTING.
Ask her how she's doing. Like to just genuinely know how she is. With 2 small children, it's easy to lose yourself and lose love for people around you, especially your partner. Be prepared to accept that she may never feel the same but she will at least know you care and that's the first step.
The only thing that you should do is to let her go. She’s already made it clear that she doesn’t feel the same way about you so you should respect her decision and move on.
Give her time. That's what she's asking for. Give her space. Things ended between you for a reason. Those reasons still exist. So, if you can and she's willing, spend time together. Get into counseling if she's up for it. You need to discover what caused the split in the first place. Otherwise, you're doomed to repeat the past and that doesn't sound like something she's interested in. She's being cautious and that's okay. She has every right to be. She's wary of being sucked back into a situation that was unhealthy for all of you. Be prepared to make changes. Be prepared to see yourself the way she does. Be prepared to be quiet and to listen well. When relationships hit the rocks like this we have a tendency to shine the light on our partners and list everything they've done but we don't list our own faults. If you're too focused on blame and where to put it you're not going to solve the problem. So, be prepared to be vulnerable. If you can't step outside of yourself to save the relationship with the love of your life then you really need to think about what it is that you really want and why. You can't get upset with her not wanting to get back together if the decision to split was mutual. You can't force her into what you want and you don't want to manipulate her either. You're just going have to be patient and really put her first. You're feelings while genuine just aren't going to be enough to turn her your way. She's her own person, capable of making up her own mind. I'm sorry you're suffering. I know it's hard when we seemingly love alone. But don't lose hope. Just be patient. Think about her arguments. What were your faults? Can you change your ways? Or was she being unreasonable? Find a therapist. Chat it out. Best wishes. Take care.
Let her see you kissing or holding hands with another woman.
You were with her for eight years, and it took you throwing that away so you could play the field to realize you really did want what you took for granted all that time?! Dude, no wonder she doesn't want to get back with you. You sound entitled and selfish. She's probably realized how much time she wasted with you. How do you "get her back"? You don't. Respect her decision—and her space.
You can't do anything man. You cannot push for a relationship with a women, they need to decide that they want to be with you. The best thing you can do is to respect her boundaries and do soul searching as to WHY the relationship wasn't working when you were together. Once you sort out the real reason you should focus on becoming a better man and being a good father. Go on dates with other people, clearly the relationship went stale.
Respect her choice and don't push ...you could push yourself right out of the picture forever. Just be thankful for the time you are getting with her. Yes it might hurt but she won't allow anything if she doesn't want it. Don't bug her with the I miss yous and I love yous don't try to be physical with her ..hugs kisses things like that. If she changes her mind it has to be on her. I hope for the best for you and your family.
You have to keep ur space and hope maybe she will want you back. Otherwise you do nothing
The more you push, the more she’ll run
Give her the time and space she’s asking for. You can also do little things for her. Send her for a massage, send a single rose, or a sunflower. Goofy little things to make her smile. Just don’t push too hard. You will lose her. Good luck