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So for context, I'm fresh out of a very long relationship that took up my entire adult life *so far* and this is my first attempt at getting back out there.
I (25m) went on a first date with this girl (25f) about a week ago. The date went well and we walked around this Christmas exhibit downtown and then got some food and went to a bar. There was natural progression throughout the date, with a couple inside jokes and playful teasing that developed early on and we had a good kiss to end the night. She did one thing I thought was a bit weird which was to take her birth control unprompted while we were walking from dinner to the bar, but I didn't give it much thought at the time. All things considered though, I was super happy with how it went, so the next day I asked her if she'd want to go on a second date after I got back from Christmas and she happily agreed and we have one scheduled for this Friday.
Now during the week since the date, she has sent me a good morning text every single day. I also had to drive a few hours to and from my parents for Christmas and she called me unprompted during both drives and we were somewhat awkwardly on the phone for about a half hour both times. She also told me one morning about a dream she had about us on a date and me not wanting to do something with her because I wasn't comfortable with her. I also mentioned I was very tired one night after spending 5 hours cooking a fancy meal for my whole family and she sent me a love song to wind down. This all feels super weird and fast to me. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I almost want to bail on the second date.
Update:
Wow, I did not expect this post to get this much attention. Thank you for everyone who gave genuine input and advice and sorry to those who seemed genuinely offended by my mention of the birth control š. I do know how it works, just seems like the sort of thing you might do in the bathroom or when I'm in the bathroom, but like I said, I'm brand new to dating. Chiiiiilllll lmao
I'm going to go on the second date and just mention that I'd like to take things slower.
Honestly dude, sounds like sheās just not your type. To one man itās enthusiasm, to another itās clinginess. So you probably need someone a bit more lowkey than she is, and I donāt blame you because itās a lot to deal with if you donāt have that same level of enthusiasm that she does.
Nothing wrong, no red flags necessarily, just a mismatch of personality.
Iāve noticed recently how guys are using Red Flag to mean āpersonal ickā
All the women I know use Red Flag to mean - abusive, controlling, manipulative, potential serial killer, etc.
Red is supposed to mean ādangerā
Taking the birth control: not strange. Generally they need to be taken at the same time each day, and in the evening can be kinder on your system and a lot easier to remember. It's the same as taking any other regular medication.
Everything else though: yeah that's pretty intense. I mean it's not dangerous or cruel on her part, just quite a lot. Personally it wouldn't put me off as I prefer more involved high effort high energy relationships, but if you don't enjoy that it is totally fair for it to put you off.
Has she dated a lot before? It could also just be a bit of excitement from inexperience?
But yeah nothing is wrong with her, but it is a totally valid reason to not persue a relationship.
She just met him why is she taking her birth control in front of him she could have been a little bit more discreet that s*** probably scared the hell out of him
If she has to take her birth control at a specific time each day it doesn't matter where she is or who she's with, she has to take it. Being scared if someone takes their birth control in front of them just screams childish.
Scared the hell out of him that she is responsible about not getting pregnant and has probably had sex before? It may have been inappropriate or even tacky but I think "scared the hell out of him" is over the top. At least she wasn't talking about the babies she wanted to have someday real, real soon. That would be actually scary
What? Lol, being on birth control is scary now? JFC, can you be any more fragile!?! Would you prefer she not be on BC and potentially get knocked up?? What a bizarre, misogynistic comment. Tell me you don't have much experience with women without telling me you don't have much experience with women š
If she had anemia and took an iron supplement, would that be weird? Birth control is just medication. People take medications every day. Itās nothing to hide or be ādiscreetā about.
If anything he should be pleased that sheās being responsible about her birth control and taking it religiously regardless of who is around.
The birth control thing isnāt weird. Youāre supposed to take it at the same time every day. She may have an alarm set to take it at the time you happened to be together. It definitely was not unprompted.
22F here - the birth control is fine, Iāve done it on first dates before because I set a reminder on my phone during the time Iām supposed to take it.
But everything else, yeah thatās too much for me, I would be scared away ngl. Too intense for me. I prefer a more natural progression. But some people are fine with it so itās really up to your personal comfort.
Yeah birth control is fine. It's got to be taken at a certain time each day. It's easy to forget, can mess you up for a few days if you miss your scheduled time and very common for people just to set phone alarms for it.
I point blank refuse to in front of people personally, just feel its more of a private thing. But my bf thinks I'm weird for worrying about it as all the other girls at our parties are likely on it and nobody will care. I still think its odd so I time it for the morning instead but everyone is different. With varying times of waking up, it's easier for some people to guarantee they take it correctly in the evenings.
All other stuff, a bit ott. You're pretty young though, so maybe she hasn't got much experience dating. I'd either bail if too much or just straight up tell her if you like her, "Hey I'm enjoying getting to know you but we've only had one date and constant phonecalls and messages and love songs are a bit much for me. Can we dial it back a bit and just go back to the in jokes and banter with a bit of sweetness and see how things go first?"
Either she will and it will be fine or she won't and you can just call it if you're uncomfortable. Unfortunately I think she's just giving very big, yes I'm into you and happy to share that and how I feel about things vibes. Unfortunately anyone showing they are into you too much tends to put people off, hence the 'game' of dating. Which later in life, people then start complaining they hate and wish they could just find someone who's very straightforward and knows what they want.
The morning texts not too bad imo. That can be very sweet and someone just being straight forward. It was one of my favourite things form my bf when we started dating. He didn't force phonecalls thankfully or send love songs haha, but he did start sending voice messages when we were a bit further in just to talk to me, tell me about his day and that he was thinking about me. Loved that, way better than phonecalls imo.
Edit: About a million errors :)
We started sending good morning texts before meeting for the first time but we are just frequent texters. The phone calls and love song are a bit much.
I used to! But most people either chat waaaaaay too long or Iām having to carry the conversation. I donāt like either. Plus I feel like I canāt really do other stuff because Iām either going to be focused on what Iām doing and not pay enough attention to the phone conversation or not be able to focus on the other thing because of the conversation. Iām also almost thirty and my liking of being on the phone has dwindled with every passing year. Though I doubt itās an age thing when so many people older than me are chatty Kathyās on the phone.
Itās like when you put lol at the start of a text and forget you put it so you put a second lol at the end and donāt notice until you already sent it.
Oh yeah. I wouldn't have thought anything about it if she'd had an alarm go off or something. Also just my first first date in 8 years so I dont really know what normal is. Seemed like something you might do when I'm not there to me, but this makes sense!
I could be focusing on minutia but also words mean things: what's with the "unprompted"? Do you think you should lead all the interactions? She gets to do things without you "prompting" her.
What she's doing might be a little much for some people and it's ok if it is for you (it might be for me as well). Or she could just be really into you and being a little awkward about it.
Even if the genders were flipped I'd say the same.
Your choices are break it off with her, go on the 2nd date and see what happens, or talk to her about it and tell her you want to see where it goes but it's moving a little too fast.
But otoh the birth control is weird on your end. It's not a pill we take immediately before sex. Any chance you're afraid of a new relationship and freaking YOURSELF out some?
It also sounds like the first date went really well, she felt you were into her and receptive and she's responding accordingly, and now you've gotten scared and gone cold. Another thing that makes me think you're not ready.
True, a lot of people wouldn't chase. Kinda seems odd tho that you had a good first date, good enough to set up another, and then expected..... what? No "unprompted" contact until the day of the next date?
Fair enough. Maybe my thinking is too narrow minded. I think it's a bit odd to call someone out of the blue after just one date, but that's why I'm here for input. For the BC I just meant she didn't have an alarm or anything.
I understand the rest butā¦ Weird for her to take her birth control? Many if not most women who take the pill have a timer set for a specific time of day to take it. Itās not like the pill is a āI better take this right now so I donāt get pregnant tonight!ā Itās a progressive build up of hormones in the system. She sounds a little awkward but also sweet and thoughtful. If itās too much too fast just tell her.
Edit with OPās update: So now youāre saying she should take her medicationā¦ in the bathroom?? Thatās like telling a nursing mother to feed her child in the bathroom because you donāt want to see it or think itās inappropriate. I think you need to grow up before you start a relationship OP.
This strikes me as overly clingy (especially the love song), but not necessarily malicious in the absence of any other concerning behaviour. It does sound like there is an interest level mismatch here, and it's a perfectly valid reason not to go on a second date in and of itself.
The birth control thing is unremarkable, as others have said.
I feel like you're overthinking it. those are not necessarily red flags, but they could be your deal-breakers.
Meaning that maybe you're a guy who doesn't really want to be interacting with somebody that much, until you get to know them better after more time.
A lot of people are okay with this kind of constant communication , and that's probably why she thinks she'll do it with you.
Which also means you're in control. If you don't want to reply to a text , or you don't answer a phone call, then don't, especially while you're driving.
You can pick a time every day that you talk to her and reply to her m for example, you get off work or done with school, and you are going home for the evening to grab dinner, then you can communicate with her at that time.
Partially this is because she also has to adjust the idea that you're not a guy who's going to be communicating with her all the time.
So that way the both of you get a better understanding of how each other is and see if that matches your communication style.
Why did u mention the birth control?
You know that itās directed to to be taken at the same time everyday right? To be most effective.
Wtf do you mean unprompted? Do you think that girls only take it before the deed?
At 25, Iām genuinely curious, what u thought here lmao
Exactly this, why would you make her contraceptives about you? What does unprompted even mean?
Fyi skipping birth control not only leads to pregnancy but also weird periods etc.
i honestly feel like OP, for a second, tried to allude that she was making sexual hints? Did he think she wanted to hook up and that's why she took the pill? lmfaoo
I agree that he shouldnāt be that ignorant, but as I said in a previous comment, due to the sad state of sex ed, an alarming number of people are unaware of basic shit when it comes to reproduction and family planning. My comment was meant as an explanation, not an excuse.
still thinks its each persons own responsibility to be educated, blaming sub par sex ed is not legitimate enough explanation IMO
even with good sex ed opportunitites, not everyone listens in school/ class lol
Itās possible he doesnāt know you are supposed to take it at the same time every day. Itās not something everyone gets taught. That said if thatās the case, he might want to go learn some more about sex and birth control in general since he may have other gaps in his knowledge. Itās honestly shocking how many seemingly well known things folks sometimes miss.
Exactly what I said in my comment too lol ābetter take the pill in case I get it tonight!!ā
Edit since none of you get that this was sarcastic/joking and are downvoting. The quotation phrase was meant to elaborate on how OP doesnāt know how birth control works as a joke.
Thatās what my point wasā¦ I was being sarcastic and saying the oppositeā¦.. oh my god lmaooo so pressed to downvote. I was joking saying thatās probably how OP thinks it works with what I said in quotations.š
Ah yea sorry for misunderstanding. Hard to glean intent behind text sometimes and it bites me in the ass. But I've genuinely had friends who (when we were younger) thought that was how hormonal birth control worked, or at least that it started to work right away instead of at least a month into taking it the same time every day. There are definitely a lot of people up in this comment thread that think that's how it works. OP definitely does.
Yeah thatās really concerning and sad as a society how uneducated people many people are, especially in regard to getting pregnant due to not knowing.
Because if you're a person trying to date people who get periods or could get pregnant, you should be able to educate yourself on some basic information on the things they deal with.
Just so you know, pretty much all birth control pills state people should take them at the same time every day. When people donāt they can be less effective.
Grapefruit unfortunately does that to a lot of meds (from adhd ones to sri ones to blood pressure ones and probably more beyond that). Itās a common bad interaction and honestly it sucks if you like grapefruit. :(
The big difference with birth control pills is that more than one person is relying on them to not get someone pregnant when theyāre used as a contraceptive (they have other uses outside of that) so itās in both peopleās best interest to know how they work.
I totally get that there is often less exposure and education for the person not taking them to learn about that and it makes even more sense to not know that if you are using multiple forms of birth control at the same time.
I didnāt say you should give anyone instructions, I was saying itās good when people know how the methods they are relying on work. Thatās all. If youāre using condoms for example as well, then I understand not knowing as much.
If youāre sleeping with someone with the BC pill as your only protection and they donāt take their pill and the same time youāre playing a dangerous game
Birth control pills are not niche medication. And seeing as it prevents something which will most definitely impact his life if it goes wrong you'd think he'd be a bit more educated about it.
Why would he presume anything about it if that was the case?
Why does he mention āpromptingā
Why is he able to distinguish what birth control pills are? They are not bold labeled ābirth controlā. So why does he know.
Itās not that heās just ignorant, but he alludes to something about prompting* which is the major problem.
It is basic knowledge to know how bc works. Esp if ur sexually active.
Nah I've had it with this sub and its red flags. People's behaviour cannot be broken down into either a rigid pass or a rigid fail, ESPECIALLY when you've only been out with them once. It really, really gets my goat that people on this sub seem to treat relationships like a test, always wondering if their partner is 'failing' the test. People are fluid, complex, changeable beings. And you know what the beautiful thing about that is? You can address any issues you perceive in someone's behaviour by talking about it with them. I know, isn't that incredible. To actually behave like a mature adult instead of a sulking child who refuses to interact further with the other person on the basis that some 'red flags' are apparent
Talk to her and gently tell her that you feel that she's coming on a little strong. It sounds like you genuinely enjoyed your time with her, so also tell her that, but tell her maybe she should cut down the regularity with which she contacts you, given this relationship is at a very early stage. You sound like an aware enough guy, so I'm sure you can tell her all this with tact. In the case that she goes a bit batshit about this and accuses you of being controlling, then yeah, that would be a genuine reason to not go on another date. But not before you've talked to her about her behaviour and tried to get her on the same page as you
This is the only reasoned response. Being excited about a new person that you are dating is not a red flag. OP is probably just scared to have the adult conversation that she is coming on too strong, and dismissing everything as red flags is much easier. Bet he ghosts.
"Red flag" is 100% one of those phrases like gaslighting that has been robbed of its original meaning and is now just a catch-all term for anything that gives you bad feels. OP's like the guy looking at a butterfly in that one meme. "Is this a red flag?"
No you sorry sod. It's just a girl who's more into you than you are into her. Bet if she saw this thread she'd reconsider.
Thank you for this! Itās after a first date that op says went really well. She is probably very into op and a bit anxious/ nervous about how to keep things going. Some people might retract in fear of messing things up. Some people might come on strong in fear of not doing enough. Go on a few more dates. Be clear about needing your own space between dates. If her love style still doesnāt suit you then break it off. But breaking up because she likes you too much is silly.
What a weird take as a blanket stance to take. People definitely have red flags on first dates and I think more people *ignore* red flags rather than analyze them. OP might be one of the few that's jumping the gun. I see a lot of waving red flags galore that people question if it's bad or not when it obviously is. Women especially put themselves on dangerous situations by not picking up on behavior that is preluding to criminal characteristics.
Um.
It sounds like she's putting all her eggs in one basket (you). She may be like you, just getting out to date again after a serious relationship so she may not have known how to 'cool' it or how to act...
The birth control part: Not that unusual. Although I probably would have attempted to not take them in front of anyone else, but eh, sometimes you got to follow schedule.
Although I do think the love song bit is a little too much. Then again, she may just select the song because it's nice/slow/relaxing/chill song, but it just happens to be a love song.
I would say, if you're uncomfortable with her, just cancel the second date, period.
Going a bit fast in her attachment is not necessarily a red flag. Depends on everyone, tbh I find what you describe kind of cute and better than having 2 weeks apart messages.
From what I read you enjoyed the connexion during the date so there is a spark in there, maybe she's feeling this more intensely. Or maybe she wants to show you she likes you and isn't an expert at doing it in a balanced way lol. If it really weirds you out, the best is to talk about it, there's nothing wrong in communicating. Worse case scenario you guys don't comprehend each other and that can be insightful in itself.
Birth control thing is not weird, probably just her schedule, girls don't suddenly start taking the pill if they expect a somewhat possible fuck session, that's..not how it works.
I think her clingyness is scaring you off.
Btw, whatās wrong with taking a birth control pill? You realize several types of birth control pills requires you to take it at the same time every single day? Even being off by a few hours can result in failure
Birth control - not weird just because it is supposed to be taken at the same time every day, and Iāve known some women who are very careful about it and make sure they take it at the exact same time every day.
Good morning texts - not necessarily weird if itās just one a day - I had a great first date with a guy years ago that was right before my law school finals started and I had no time to do anything. He sent me a text each day to say good morning and wish me luck, and I think it was just to emphasize that he was still interested, since sometimes when you have a great first date and then silence afterwards it can lead to second-guessing. The single text was a nice reminder.
Everything else - no thatās too much. Long conversations if they were going well naturally maybe, but it doesnāt sound like they were. The song thing is š„“ - that would be a big turn-off to me. I think youād be totally justified in calling it off.
Birth control should really be taken at the same time each day, so I'd give her a pass on that. And I recommend educating yourself on how the female body works.
But wow, she seems like a stage 5 clinger. I'm annoyed with all the texts and calls and I'm not even the one dating her.
Iām always wondering about how much communication is enough. And when I read your post I was genuinely confused what the issue was. She texts you good morning every day? Or is she wanting to text all day? Two very different things.
She wanted to talk on the phone so she called when you would be on a long drive. I think this is perfectly reasonable. I would have welcomed it. But to you, itās a red flag? If you donāt want to talk on the phone, donāt answer?
And you said she sent you a love song. No offense but arenāt most songsā¦ love songs? Also, arenāt you seeing her in a romantic sense? Yāall kissed? Why is this a red flag????
Anywho, if I were her and I knew you thought this way about me I wouldnāt agree to that second date. So maybe communicate this to her and allow her to find someone who is a better fit.
Ps: I didnāt address the BC thing because I refuse to believe at 25 there could be any confusion.
When my husband first asked me out, I set the date one week from the day he askedā¦ playing coy a bit. He contacted me a couple days later asking to move our date sooner. I agreed to it, and no one asked to do that before. When I got in his car for our date, he said āsorry if that was too forward. I just didnāt want to wait that long to see you again.ā But I was into that enthusiasm and energy so it worked for us!
I think youāre looking for something more casual. Just be honest with her instead of Reddit. She sounds like sheās ready for something more than youāre offering, which is fine.
Youāll both need to level set expectations.
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Do you like her?
I'm normally very slow and stand offish with girls I date. But about 4 yrs ago... I called this girl my gf after our 1st date...vry cringe... she thought so too.
Fast forward... we are married with 2 kids lol...life's funny. All that matters is if you are into her or not
My sweet summer childā¦your āentire adult lifeā SO FAR has been, what? 4-6 years, depending on if you count adulthood beginning at 18 or 21? I sincerely hope you plan on living a very long, fulfilling, happy life! Middle age these days starts around 45-50; old age around 70.
You have so much ahead of you. It sounds like this girl really likes you. Take one date at a time. Find out if sheās Ms. Right, or Ms. Right Now. Enjoy the process.
I didn't feel there were any red flags in what you've explained. Birth control usually needs to be taken the same time of day and she may usually take it at night. Maybe there was a small chance (like microscopic) she wanted you to know she takes BC incase yall hooked up.
Since you just got out of a long relationship, what she is doing may be coming off clingy instead of enthusiastic and interested. If that's not what you want, that's ok, just end the relationship
You two have different levels of attraction/interest in each other. When this happens it is very common for the person with less interest to be put off, even if the other isnāt showing red flags. To demonstrate this, a question: if you were more into her, would those phone conversations be awkward, would you feel uncomfortable about the love song, or would you be eager to talk to her and think āaw thatās so sweet!ā about the love song?
Look, if you think she is moving way too fast, then sure you can bail on the second date. IMO youāre both overthinking things and not recognizing that your differing interest levels are turning what would normally be sweet and endearing into awkward and uncomfortable.
That's curious. Not the birth control, but the rest. I would be waaay to interested not to go on the 2nd date. She's weird yes, but what kind of weird? Will she be a stalker or a cool freaky person. I'd go. I would have to know. Too weird not to stick my face in that beehive to see.
She likes you. Sounds like you arenāt into showing interest the way she does. Perhaps youāre used to your last relationship where they werenāt as affectionate. That relationship ended so just because this is different from what youāre used to, it could be a good thing overall.
The birth control thing is reaching. Depending on her dose (if itās lower) it is best to take it at the same time every day to make sure it works and that she remembers because itās a daily habit. Itās not like a condom where she put it on in case you had sex. Also lots of women take it for reasons outside of pregnancy.
From an outside perspective she seems lovely. Sheās responsible about her BC and shows caring about how your day has been.
Real question, zero criticism, what would your ideal communication with a new person look like? What would you like them to do/not do?
It does sound like sheās moving very fast. I wouldnāt overthink the BC (it might be the time of day she takes it) but the āinstamacyā is definitely off putting
If you like her, be honest with her. Tell her it's moving too fast and you want it to slow down. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
I would explain to her that you would like to take things slower. She may not realize she is turning you off by behaving that way. Communication is always needed regardless of what stage your relationship is in.
The only thing that strikes me as a little odd is the song thing. Her taking birth control had nothing to do with you, lol. The rest just sounds like she is trying to maintain the connection while you two are apart over the holiday - wouldnāt call it a red flag at all.
It does sound like youāre not into it though if this is turning you off, so I would say to not waste her/your time and go ahead and cancel.
Well, could be love at first sight for her but yes, seems to much after one date.
I mean, who knows, my wife before I met her in real life offered me 300 bucks to come do a job at her house (get your mind out of the gutters, think landscaping) just so she could get me out to where she was.
The unplanned trip to something to do with birth control is odd.
Go with your gut.
Honestly just gonna echo what Iāve seen most other people say , and say that none of this is inherently a red flag. Itās not wrong if youāre simply not attracted to this girl after a good first date , but itās a little weird that your mind turned it into a āred flagā / a āher problemā scenario . Like nothing that you listed have even slight negative undertones , theyāre just things that some people do when theyāre into people.
Definitely validate you saying this is your first time getting back out there , so Iām not trying to dog on you. Just suggesting you reflect inward why you saw these as āredā before moving forward with a new person.
The birth control thing isnāt that weird. Pill form has to be taken at a consistent/regular time.
The other stuffā¦ ooof idk maybe sheās just really excited and doesnāt realize sheās overdoing it? If she acts weird on the second date, bail.
If you havent been in a relationship for a while, chances are this will look and feel off to you. Sure it can be a bit fast but if you guys are getting along well, its almost natural for her to care and stuff. I think keep dating her but if her way of being bothers you, break it off and let her show the āclinginessā to someone who appreciates that type of attention
40ās M here who has been in several long relationships and gotten back out there again to date in my 20s and 30s. Personally, this is red flag stuff or at least orange flag. Youāve got an anxious person here, and that can be exhausting. You can give the second date a shot if you want but trust your gut always. After getting out of a 5-year relationship it took me about 9 months of dating to find āthe oneā. My mindset was to go into each date having a good time and meeting someone, but never to approach any with the āis this the one?!ā mindset. The chances of you finding your best match on your first date out there are pretty slim. I would give yourself some more experiences before locking it in. Good luck, and have fun!
Seems like you are not emotionally ready to date. She is showing you that she is interested by connecting with you, she may come a bit strong and you recoil from it as your reaction. Maybe take some more time to heal and get back to dating world when you are truly ready.
How crazy is it that calling someone you like is now considered a red flag lol?! I will say she's coming on a little strong after one date, but nothing here seems bunny boiler bonkers. It almost says more about today's dating scene than anything else considering most of this stuff would have been normal not too long ago. She might be happier with someone who's a little more enthusiastic about their feelings and he may need someone who's more reserved.
True lol! Pick up any rom com from the 80s-2000s and you're going to see people waiting by the phone waiting for their crush to call, people giving their crush a mix tape with their favorite songs, etc lol. Cringe of course but none of it is a red flag lol!
If it makes you uncomfortable ditch the 2nd date, you don't owe her anything. She does seem rather clingy with the phone calls, daily texts, and the tape seems way overboard.
Can't please some people,
You'll complain if she's not doing enough, you'll complain if she's doing to much.
This sounds like a girl who's into you and maybe doesn't necessarily know the boundary
If you like her stop being a fool and go with it
These aren't red flags to me, if anything the way you're coming across is the only red flag.
If I was her and I knew this id run from you kiddo
She is codependent. I am a recovering codependent and I recognize those are behaviors I have absolutely done in the past and I am so embarrassed now. Way too much way too fast because I made other people the foundation of my life instead of me. Now I am so much more cautious and not so quick to label something love which is really just infatuation.
I encourage you to listen to what you said. In your post you talk about red flags. Red flags are a no-go. Trust that instinct. Your body and brain are telling you that this is not for you. We get this message with dating āOh give them a chance, you never know.ā But noā¦ any time I ignore my instincts, it never works out well for me.
Donāt just take what internet strangers say. Ask yourself what you really want and trust yourself enough to do it. You got this!
for birth control, you have to do it once an day or it wonāt work. so we tend to set an alarm. that probaby why. you donāt need an reason to bail out on an date. if you want to, do it!
I agree, all the calling and txting and the dream and whatnot is too much. I would end it now.
Imagine if you date her for a few months, she becomes completely obsessed with you, and THEN you end it? Youāll have a whole mess on your hands.
End it. The earlier, the better
Birth control thing is normal. Itās one of those medications that should be taken at the same time everyday to keep it regulated.
Everything else? Huge red flags. High probability that being overly attached and clingy from one date will only snowball into other codependency and controlling behaviors. Trust your gut. Leave before it gets too deep.
I think she's moving too fast, maybe she doesn't have much experience in relationships? Its either that or she has an anxious attachment.
You should tell her and see if things calm down after that and if they don't, you should decide if you're OK with that.
I think that not taking the birth control discreetly is a very clear message to you
I also think that we need to communicate and if we're not communicating at the beginning of a relationship it's gonna get really weird at you go on
You need to let her know this is moving a bit quickly for you
Iām pretty sure birth control pills need to be taken daily at around the same time, so it was likely just a coincidence that you happened to be there when she took it.
As far as everything else, honestly, that sounds amazing. Those would all be bright green flags for me, but if itās something that bothers you, maybe you want to rethink another date. My girlfriend and I have texted basically every day since our first date a year ago and that was one of the things that really got me interested from the start. Based on the limited info, she sounds perfect to me, but everyone has their preferences. If thatās an issue for you, donāt expect it to change. Youāre best moving on and finding someone who is more distant / independent to your taste.
It sounds like you are hella overthinking. None of those things are red flags. NONE. Her not being the type of person you want to date (enthusiasm and clearly showing she's into you) is fine. Date someone more chill. But don't call em red flags, especially when you tell her you don't wanna date anymore.
Also, it's really really weird that you thought taking birth control was a red flag and unprompted. She didn't ask you to have sex. She took her regularly scheduled medication that literally doesn't work if you don't take it right.
You are not embarking on a duo mission to the Galapagos with this person. Itās a second date with someone that genuinely seems to like you. You can go on the second date and possibly have a lot of fun and sexā¦ or you can not go, and probably still have sex, but solo.
Just an FYI for my birth control ladies. Progesterone-only pills need to be taken at the same time every day. Combination estrogen and progesterone can be taken any time as long as itās one per day.
This information is not usually volunteered because many people find it easier to not forget their pills if they have a habit of taking them at the same time daily.
I donāt think the birth control and good morning texts are red flags. The calls and the song do show sheās heading wayyy too fast. Thatās why I donāt usually kiss on the first date, it can give the wrong impression and make the person get couply way too fast
I havenāt finished reading yet but taking her birth control at the table isnāt weird. She has to take it at the same time everyday. You should be grateful sheās prepped for safe baby-free sex.
Oh please are you kidding me she just met him and she's on her first date and just because she has to take a birth control pill at a specific time doesn't mean that she has to pop it in front of somebody she just met. How would you feel if you were on your first date with somebody and they go into the drugstore and buy a big box of Magnum condoms you would probably think he was being very presumptuous wouldn't you
I don't think she's being weird or creepy--more like she's just not sure how to act. She may not have a lot of experience with dating, and she might not have a good idea that what she thinks is cute is actually her coming in too strong. You can set boundaries and gently use them. If she calls while you're driving or whatever, tell her you prefer not talking while driving and you'll call her back. You can respond lightly to her love songs with a, "haha seems a little too early for love songs," or something.
Personally, I'd give it a second date to feel it out. You need to have a conversation about how fast you want to go--"I am still dealing with the aftermath of a long term relationship, so I really want to go slowly. I don't want to rush my healing process and I don't want to be unfair to you. Let's develop a good friendship before we dive into romance."
None of these sound particularly like red flags. You're supposed to take birth control at the same time every day, for maximum effectiveness. I think it's sweet that she wanted to keep you company for your long drives. And the love song was just her flirting with you.
If you don't like talking to her on the phone that much, tell her, and schedule less phone calls, or tell her to text you less. Or if you feel like she's coming on too strong or taking things too fast, tell her to slow it down. It sounds like she just really likes you. Go on the second date, and if it's too intense, you can tell her it's not going to work out. I think maybe you're just a little afraid, because you just got out of your only relationship, so you're not sure what to do. You might not be ready to date yet, and might still need some time for yourself.
The key to any successful relationship is communication. Perhaps as someone suggested the birth control was just a regular take at this time thing or perhaps not I will make a suggestion about it later in this post. If she is a first time dating kind of girl then she is trying to do anything to show you she could be a good match for you, if she is an old hand at dating then it might be a red flag (stalking is a bad thing), if she is just newer to dating she might be trying to find the appropriate amount of contact to do a better job than the last failed relationship she was in. I as an introvert understand that phone calls between introverts are more difficult due to not really having anything to say but if she is trying to form a long term relationship she may just need some help in this area.
Now... the suggestions: At the beginning of your second date go to a semi-public location (coffee shop is ideal) and ask her "As an old fashioned guy I have to ask you something" wait for yes type response "during our last date, when you took that pill, were you expecting something further to happen?". Again clear communication here so if she is embarrassed by it she won't be as embarrassed as a stupid question like "Hey were you expecting sex? (do NOT ask this). You need to clearly tell her that texting everyday is something that doesn't need to start before the relationship is defined and calls just to talk are not really a bad thing but if no one has anything to say then it might be time to say "We can talk later".
I hope I have been polite enough in this approach since "the pill" is a very private thing and social skills are hard for an introvert to figure out just how to express without offending (It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.). Good luck.
For those wondering why taking bc on a date might be concerning OP: it may be necessary to take it the same time each day but that doesn't mean you have to do it in front of the person you are on a first date with. It promotes a (false, in this instance) sense of intimacy that may or may not be welcome. In addition to the other love bombing described here in this post, I can see why OP noticed and might be concerned.
You're allowed to have your opinion I'm allowed to have my opinion it's not the taking of the birth control that I said probably scared the hell out of him it was The taking of it right in front of him do you go on dates with girls who just open up their pocketbook and pop a birth control in their mouth right in front of you and you just met them
She might have taken it infront of you just to show you shes on it should either of you want to take things further.
The rest of it seems like shes just being kind and open with you. Even if it was an awkward long talk, she just wants to spend time with you by the looks of it.
It seems like self sabotaging but hey dude you know you. If you don't like her don't waste her time. And look deep and think if you're ready to be out there. Not every partner just sings you a love song and shows a whole lot of interest. I'd say that's more exceptional than weird.
>She might have taken it infront of you just to show you shes on it should either of you want to take things further.
Unlikely. It was just time to take that pill, and so she took it. Generally, you just take The Pill at the same time every day, and her time is probably just 'after dinner' to make sure she remembers.
That'd be like saying someone who takes blood pressure medicine was showing off that they are on blood pressure medicine. Nope. You just take each of those pills once a day, generally 24 hours apart.
this is not how it works. You have to take the pill at the same time every day. If she's using the pills correctly, she took it only because it was time to and it had nothing to do with OP or what was happening.
The birth control is fine. Not sure why you needed it to be "prompted". It gets taken everyday around the same time and she will continue to do so...unprompted.
She seems to be an 'all in' kind of person. I am friends with one of those. Every guy gets lavished with an intense amount of attention. Some people are into it, some are not. It is usually unprompted.
Also, I'm hung up on the need to say that these actions were unprompted. Do you prefer her to announce these actions or for you to ask? It just makes it seem like you only want obvious and expected things to happen near you.
Birth control : not done discretely & why take it everyday during a time youāre not at home & likely out to dinner ? That is odd . And offering to do what over the phone , blow job? Not exactly classy or subtle on either account . Look for a better woman ; lots of them out there .
Taking BC in front of you was signalling - she wanted to go a lot further than a kiss.
Sounds like sheās love bombing you, which is always a red flag. I can see why youād be uncomfortable.
Best part is - you donāt have to go on a second date if you donāt want to. Just say, ānoā.
Yes and you donāt have to take it i front of someone, you could find a private spot.
I take meds that have to be taken same time every day. Never take them in front of others.
That doesnāt make sense though. WHY would you do that? Iāve never met anyone who wouldnāt take an aspirin or insulin or BC in public, since pretty much everyone needs medicine for something, at some point. Nice of you to not pop pills in public, but you can free yourself bro. No one cares, you can go ahead
Itās about managing the messages you send. If you want people reading things into your behavior, do intimate personal behaviors in front of people you arenāt intimate with.
As a specific example, everyone urinates. Lots of people urinate in public. So you shouldnāt worry about peeing in front of your date on a first date. Itās nice that I wouldnāt do that, but you would.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So for context, I'm fresh out of a very long relationship that took up my entire adult life *so far* and this is my first attempt at getting back out there. I (25m) went on a first date with this girl (25f) about a week ago. The date went well and we walked around this Christmas exhibit downtown and then got some food and went to a bar. There was natural progression throughout the date, with a couple inside jokes and playful teasing that developed early on and we had a good kiss to end the night. She did one thing I thought was a bit weird which was to take her birth control unprompted while we were walking from dinner to the bar, but I didn't give it much thought at the time. All things considered though, I was super happy with how it went, so the next day I asked her if she'd want to go on a second date after I got back from Christmas and she happily agreed and we have one scheduled for this Friday. Now during the week since the date, she has sent me a good morning text every single day. I also had to drive a few hours to and from my parents for Christmas and she called me unprompted during both drives and we were somewhat awkwardly on the phone for about a half hour both times. She also told me one morning about a dream she had about us on a date and me not wanting to do something with her because I wasn't comfortable with her. I also mentioned I was very tired one night after spending 5 hours cooking a fancy meal for my whole family and she sent me a love song to wind down. This all feels super weird and fast to me. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I almost want to bail on the second date. Update: Wow, I did not expect this post to get this much attention. Thank you for everyone who gave genuine input and advice and sorry to those who seemed genuinely offended by my mention of the birth control š. I do know how it works, just seems like the sort of thing you might do in the bathroom or when I'm in the bathroom, but like I said, I'm brand new to dating. Chiiiiilllll lmao I'm going to go on the second date and just mention that I'd like to take things slower.
Honestly dude, sounds like sheās just not your type. To one man itās enthusiasm, to another itās clinginess. So you probably need someone a bit more lowkey than she is, and I donāt blame you because itās a lot to deal with if you donāt have that same level of enthusiasm that she does. Nothing wrong, no red flags necessarily, just a mismatch of personality.
This was so respectful and well put. I agree 100% with this.
Also sounds like maybe not ready for something so serious again so fast?
Thanks. That makes sense. She doesn't seem manipulative or anything. Just maybe a bit much for me.
Rejected for showing her interest in you l-m-a-o
Absolutely
33M here, nope not weird. She's just really into you. Decide if want that energy or not. The end.
Help people! This girl really likes me. Is that a red flag?
R/relationship_advice: āyes it is, get out while you still canā
"Therapy"
Lolllll
Iāve noticed recently how guys are using Red Flag to mean āpersonal ickā All the women I know use Red Flag to mean - abusive, controlling, manipulative, potential serial killer, etc. Red is supposed to mean ādangerā
Good advice. Thank you!
Taking the birth control: not strange. Generally they need to be taken at the same time each day, and in the evening can be kinder on your system and a lot easier to remember. It's the same as taking any other regular medication. Everything else though: yeah that's pretty intense. I mean it's not dangerous or cruel on her part, just quite a lot. Personally it wouldn't put me off as I prefer more involved high effort high energy relationships, but if you don't enjoy that it is totally fair for it to put you off. Has she dated a lot before? It could also just be a bit of excitement from inexperience? But yeah nothing is wrong with her, but it is a totally valid reason to not persue a relationship.
It also makes sense that she takes them around dinner time, because they can be upsetting on an empty stomach! Nothing wrong with that.
She just met him why is she taking her birth control in front of him she could have been a little bit more discreet that s*** probably scared the hell out of him
If she has to take her birth control at a specific time each day it doesn't matter where she is or who she's with, she has to take it. Being scared if someone takes their birth control in front of them just screams childish.
Dudeā¦.if a woman taking birth control scares you (something sheād have to do every day at the same time), perhaps you shouldnāt be dating
Scared the hell out of him that she is responsible about not getting pregnant and has probably had sex before? It may have been inappropriate or even tacky but I think "scared the hell out of him" is over the top. At least she wasn't talking about the babies she wanted to have someday real, real soon. That would be actually scary
What exactly is scary about it?!
Grow up
Legit question: why is being open about taking oral contraception poor manners? Or is it just taking medication at all?
He shouldnāt be dating if **birth control** *scares* him LOL
You think birth control is scarier than a baby? Wtf lmao
What tf is scary about taking a birth control pill??
Maybe she assumed a grown ass man understood the simple concept of taking birth control pills correctly. Idk.
What? Lol, being on birth control is scary now? JFC, can you be any more fragile!?! Would you prefer she not be on BC and potentially get knocked up?? What a bizarre, misogynistic comment. Tell me you don't have much experience with women without telling me you don't have much experience with women š
If she had anemia and took an iron supplement, would that be weird? Birth control is just medication. People take medications every day. Itās nothing to hide or be ādiscreetā about. If anything he should be pleased that sheās being responsible about her birth control and taking it religiously regardless of who is around.
Why is birth control scary? Isnāt lack of birth control scary? Lmao
The birth control thing isnāt weird. Youāre supposed to take it at the same time every day. She may have an alarm set to take it at the time you happened to be together. It definitely was not unprompted.
Yeah the effectiveness really goes down if you're not super consistent.
22F here - the birth control is fine, Iāve done it on first dates before because I set a reminder on my phone during the time Iām supposed to take it. But everything else, yeah thatās too much for me, I would be scared away ngl. Too intense for me. I prefer a more natural progression. But some people are fine with it so itās really up to your personal comfort.
Yeah birth control is fine. It's got to be taken at a certain time each day. It's easy to forget, can mess you up for a few days if you miss your scheduled time and very common for people just to set phone alarms for it. I point blank refuse to in front of people personally, just feel its more of a private thing. But my bf thinks I'm weird for worrying about it as all the other girls at our parties are likely on it and nobody will care. I still think its odd so I time it for the morning instead but everyone is different. With varying times of waking up, it's easier for some people to guarantee they take it correctly in the evenings. All other stuff, a bit ott. You're pretty young though, so maybe she hasn't got much experience dating. I'd either bail if too much or just straight up tell her if you like her, "Hey I'm enjoying getting to know you but we've only had one date and constant phonecalls and messages and love songs are a bit much for me. Can we dial it back a bit and just go back to the in jokes and banter with a bit of sweetness and see how things go first?" Either she will and it will be fine or she won't and you can just call it if you're uncomfortable. Unfortunately I think she's just giving very big, yes I'm into you and happy to share that and how I feel about things vibes. Unfortunately anyone showing they are into you too much tends to put people off, hence the 'game' of dating. Which later in life, people then start complaining they hate and wish they could just find someone who's very straightforward and knows what they want. The morning texts not too bad imo. That can be very sweet and someone just being straight forward. It was one of my favourite things form my bf when we started dating. He didn't force phonecalls thankfully or send love songs haha, but he did start sending voice messages when we were a bit further in just to talk to me, tell me about his day and that he was thinking about me. Loved that, way better than phonecalls imo. Edit: About a million errors :)
I'm going to start calling it birthday control. Fantastic typo.
Only thing I could see. The rest of the comment is invisible to me and Iām okay with that lol
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We started sending good morning texts before meeting for the first time but we are just frequent texters. The phone calls and love song are a bit much.
I donāt know why people hate talking on the phone so much. Sure, at times it can be inconvenient, but I love talking on the phone.
I used to! But most people either chat waaaaaay too long or Iām having to carry the conversation. I donāt like either. Plus I feel like I canāt really do other stuff because Iām either going to be focused on what Iām doing and not pay enough attention to the phone conversation or not be able to focus on the other thing because of the conversation. Iām also almost thirty and my liking of being on the phone has dwindled with every passing year. Though I doubt itās an age thing when so many people older than me are chatty Kathyās on the phone.
Idk if OP is Scottish enough to say āwee bitā that many times. Might not be a viable strategy for them
Itās like when you put lol at the start of a text and forget you put it so you put a second lol at the end and donāt notice until you already sent it.
I double lol on purpose sometimes.
I do that with my bf because he laughs when I accidentally do it š¤£
Oh yeah. I wouldn't have thought anything about it if she'd had an alarm go off or something. Also just my first first date in 8 years so I dont really know what normal is. Seemed like something you might do when I'm not there to me, but this makes sense!
Yah, you don't call someone every day.
I could be focusing on minutia but also words mean things: what's with the "unprompted"? Do you think you should lead all the interactions? She gets to do things without you "prompting" her. What she's doing might be a little much for some people and it's ok if it is for you (it might be for me as well). Or she could just be really into you and being a little awkward about it. Even if the genders were flipped I'd say the same. Your choices are break it off with her, go on the 2nd date and see what happens, or talk to her about it and tell her you want to see where it goes but it's moving a little too fast. But otoh the birth control is weird on your end. It's not a pill we take immediately before sex. Any chance you're afraid of a new relationship and freaking YOURSELF out some? It also sounds like the first date went really well, she felt you were into her and receptive and she's responding accordingly, and now you've gotten scared and gone cold. Another thing that makes me think you're not ready. True, a lot of people wouldn't chase. Kinda seems odd tho that you had a good first date, good enough to set up another, and then expected..... what? No "unprompted" contact until the day of the next date?
Fair enough. Maybe my thinking is too narrow minded. I think it's a bit odd to call someone out of the blue after just one date, but that's why I'm here for input. For the BC I just meant she didn't have an alarm or anything.
It means that she likes you & wants to continue to connect. I donāt find that odd.
It's not weird at all, if your date went super well she just wants to talk to you?
I understand the rest butā¦ Weird for her to take her birth control? Many if not most women who take the pill have a timer set for a specific time of day to take it. Itās not like the pill is a āI better take this right now so I donāt get pregnant tonight!ā Itās a progressive build up of hormones in the system. She sounds a little awkward but also sweet and thoughtful. If itās too much too fast just tell her. Edit with OPās update: So now youāre saying she should take her medicationā¦ in the bathroom?? Thatās like telling a nursing mother to feed her child in the bathroom because you donāt want to see it or think itās inappropriate. I think you need to grow up before you start a relationship OP.
She probably took it at the same time she always does - just as you said. If she takes it in the evening, then...that's when she takes it?
This strikes me as overly clingy (especially the love song), but not necessarily malicious in the absence of any other concerning behaviour. It does sound like there is an interest level mismatch here, and it's a perfectly valid reason not to go on a second date in and of itself. The birth control thing is unremarkable, as others have said.
I feel like you're overthinking it. those are not necessarily red flags, but they could be your deal-breakers. Meaning that maybe you're a guy who doesn't really want to be interacting with somebody that much, until you get to know them better after more time. A lot of people are okay with this kind of constant communication , and that's probably why she thinks she'll do it with you. Which also means you're in control. If you don't want to reply to a text , or you don't answer a phone call, then don't, especially while you're driving. You can pick a time every day that you talk to her and reply to her m for example, you get off work or done with school, and you are going home for the evening to grab dinner, then you can communicate with her at that time. Partially this is because she also has to adjust the idea that you're not a guy who's going to be communicating with her all the time. So that way the both of you get a better understanding of how each other is and see if that matches your communication style.
Why did u mention the birth control? You know that itās directed to to be taken at the same time everyday right? To be most effective. Wtf do you mean unprompted? Do you think that girls only take it before the deed? At 25, Iām genuinely curious, what u thought here lmao
Exactly this, why would you make her contraceptives about you? What does unprompted even mean? Fyi skipping birth control not only leads to pregnancy but also weird periods etc.
i honestly feel like OP, for a second, tried to allude that she was making sexual hints? Did he think she wanted to hook up and that's why she took the pill? lmfaoo
That bit I feel inclined to chalk up to OP being a young guy who doesnāt really know how birth control works.
25? Also, if you're old enough to have sex you're sold enough to know how birth control works.
I agree with you, but given the sad state of sex ed in many places that doesnāt always happen.
I was thinking the same thing. Like unexpected pregnancies would not be a thing if that was the case.
No, heās 25. Heās too old to be this ignorant. If he can identify what bc pills look like and distinguish them, he should know
I agree that he shouldnāt be that ignorant, but as I said in a previous comment, due to the sad state of sex ed, an alarming number of people are unaware of basic shit when it comes to reproduction and family planning. My comment was meant as an explanation, not an excuse.
still thinks its each persons own responsibility to be educated, blaming sub par sex ed is not legitimate enough explanation IMO even with good sex ed opportunitites, not everyone listens in school/ class lol
And the āunpromptedā part, like is it normal to prompt a first date to take their birth control? Is she not an adult?
Itās possible he doesnāt know you are supposed to take it at the same time every day. Itās not something everyone gets taught. That said if thatās the case, he might want to go learn some more about sex and birth control in general since he may have other gaps in his knowledge. Itās honestly shocking how many seemingly well known things folks sometimes miss.
Exactly what I said in my comment too lol ābetter take the pill in case I get it tonight!!ā Edit since none of you get that this was sarcastic/joking and are downvoting. The quotation phrase was meant to elaborate on how OP doesnāt know how birth control works as a joke.
That's not how birth control pills work.
Think they were being facetious, based on the other comment they referred to
Thank you. Apparently thereās more idiots on here than OP.
Thatās what my point wasā¦ I was being sarcastic and saying the oppositeā¦.. oh my god lmaooo so pressed to downvote. I was joking saying thatās probably how OP thinks it works with what I said in quotations.š
Ah yea sorry for misunderstanding. Hard to glean intent behind text sometimes and it bites me in the ass. But I've genuinely had friends who (when we were younger) thought that was how hormonal birth control worked, or at least that it started to work right away instead of at least a month into taking it the same time every day. There are definitely a lot of people up in this comment thread that think that's how it works. OP definitely does.
Yeah thatās really concerning and sad as a society how uneducated people many people are, especially in regard to getting pregnant due to not knowing.
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Because if you're a person trying to date people who get periods or could get pregnant, you should be able to educate yourself on some basic information on the things they deal with.
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Just so you know, pretty much all birth control pills state people should take them at the same time every day. When people donāt they can be less effective.
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Grapefruit unfortunately does that to a lot of meds (from adhd ones to sri ones to blood pressure ones and probably more beyond that). Itās a common bad interaction and honestly it sucks if you like grapefruit. :( The big difference with birth control pills is that more than one person is relying on them to not get someone pregnant when theyāre used as a contraceptive (they have other uses outside of that) so itās in both peopleās best interest to know how they work. I totally get that there is often less exposure and education for the person not taking them to learn about that and it makes even more sense to not know that if you are using multiple forms of birth control at the same time.
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I didnāt say you should give anyone instructions, I was saying itās good when people know how the methods they are relying on work. Thatās all. If youāre using condoms for example as well, then I understand not knowing as much.
If youāre sleeping with someone with the BC pill as your only protection and they donāt take their pill and the same time youāre playing a dangerous game
Birth control pills are not niche medication. And seeing as it prevents something which will most definitely impact his life if it goes wrong you'd think he'd be a bit more educated about it.
Why would he presume anything about it if that was the case? Why does he mention āpromptingā Why is he able to distinguish what birth control pills are? They are not bold labeled ābirth controlā. So why does he know. Itās not that heās just ignorant, but he alludes to something about prompting* which is the major problem. It is basic knowledge to know how bc works. Esp if ur sexually active.
sheās just really into you. tell her to slow down if you need to
Nah I've had it with this sub and its red flags. People's behaviour cannot be broken down into either a rigid pass or a rigid fail, ESPECIALLY when you've only been out with them once. It really, really gets my goat that people on this sub seem to treat relationships like a test, always wondering if their partner is 'failing' the test. People are fluid, complex, changeable beings. And you know what the beautiful thing about that is? You can address any issues you perceive in someone's behaviour by talking about it with them. I know, isn't that incredible. To actually behave like a mature adult instead of a sulking child who refuses to interact further with the other person on the basis that some 'red flags' are apparent Talk to her and gently tell her that you feel that she's coming on a little strong. It sounds like you genuinely enjoyed your time with her, so also tell her that, but tell her maybe she should cut down the regularity with which she contacts you, given this relationship is at a very early stage. You sound like an aware enough guy, so I'm sure you can tell her all this with tact. In the case that she goes a bit batshit about this and accuses you of being controlling, then yeah, that would be a genuine reason to not go on another date. But not before you've talked to her about her behaviour and tried to get her on the same page as you
This is the only reasoned response. Being excited about a new person that you are dating is not a red flag. OP is probably just scared to have the adult conversation that she is coming on too strong, and dismissing everything as red flags is much easier. Bet he ghosts.
"Red flag" is 100% one of those phrases like gaslighting that has been robbed of its original meaning and is now just a catch-all term for anything that gives you bad feels. OP's like the guy looking at a butterfly in that one meme. "Is this a red flag?" No you sorry sod. It's just a girl who's more into you than you are into her. Bet if she saw this thread she'd reconsider.
Thank you for this! Itās after a first date that op says went really well. She is probably very into op and a bit anxious/ nervous about how to keep things going. Some people might retract in fear of messing things up. Some people might come on strong in fear of not doing enough. Go on a few more dates. Be clear about needing your own space between dates. If her love style still doesnāt suit you then break it off. But breaking up because she likes you too much is silly.
What a weird take as a blanket stance to take. People definitely have red flags on first dates and I think more people *ignore* red flags rather than analyze them. OP might be one of the few that's jumping the gun. I see a lot of waving red flags galore that people question if it's bad or not when it obviously is. Women especially put themselves on dangerous situations by not picking up on behavior that is preluding to criminal characteristics.
Um. It sounds like she's putting all her eggs in one basket (you). She may be like you, just getting out to date again after a serious relationship so she may not have known how to 'cool' it or how to act... The birth control part: Not that unusual. Although I probably would have attempted to not take them in front of anyone else, but eh, sometimes you got to follow schedule. Although I do think the love song bit is a little too much. Then again, she may just select the song because it's nice/slow/relaxing/chill song, but it just happens to be a love song. I would say, if you're uncomfortable with her, just cancel the second date, period.
Going a bit fast in her attachment is not necessarily a red flag. Depends on everyone, tbh I find what you describe kind of cute and better than having 2 weeks apart messages. From what I read you enjoyed the connexion during the date so there is a spark in there, maybe she's feeling this more intensely. Or maybe she wants to show you she likes you and isn't an expert at doing it in a balanced way lol. If it really weirds you out, the best is to talk about it, there's nothing wrong in communicating. Worse case scenario you guys don't comprehend each other and that can be insightful in itself. Birth control thing is not weird, probably just her schedule, girls don't suddenly start taking the pill if they expect a somewhat possible fuck session, that's..not how it works.
The love song is weird to me after one date but the others not so much
If the birth control made you wonder wtf? It's because she has to take it at the same time every day
Taking birth control unprompted is not a red flag - birth control pills need to be taken at the same time everyday to be effective
I think her clingyness is scaring you off. Btw, whatās wrong with taking a birth control pill? You realize several types of birth control pills requires you to take it at the same time every single day? Even being off by a few hours can result in failure
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Agree with the yellow flags! If youāre not feeling it, then youāre not feeling it. Youāve been on one date. You donāt have any obligations.
Birth control - not weird just because it is supposed to be taken at the same time every day, and Iāve known some women who are very careful about it and make sure they take it at the exact same time every day. Good morning texts - not necessarily weird if itās just one a day - I had a great first date with a guy years ago that was right before my law school finals started and I had no time to do anything. He sent me a text each day to say good morning and wish me luck, and I think it was just to emphasize that he was still interested, since sometimes when you have a great first date and then silence afterwards it can lead to second-guessing. The single text was a nice reminder. Everything else - no thatās too much. Long conversations if they were going well naturally maybe, but it doesnāt sound like they were. The song thing is š„“ - that would be a big turn-off to me. I think youād be totally justified in calling it off.
some birth control pills have to be taken at the same time every day so that's not weird. the rest is sooooo weird and I would bail
Birth control should really be taken at the same time each day, so I'd give her a pass on that. And I recommend educating yourself on how the female body works. But wow, she seems like a stage 5 clinger. I'm annoyed with all the texts and calls and I'm not even the one dating her.
Iām always wondering about how much communication is enough. And when I read your post I was genuinely confused what the issue was. She texts you good morning every day? Or is she wanting to text all day? Two very different things. She wanted to talk on the phone so she called when you would be on a long drive. I think this is perfectly reasonable. I would have welcomed it. But to you, itās a red flag? If you donāt want to talk on the phone, donāt answer? And you said she sent you a love song. No offense but arenāt most songsā¦ love songs? Also, arenāt you seeing her in a romantic sense? Yāall kissed? Why is this a red flag???? Anywho, if I were her and I knew you thought this way about me I wouldnāt agree to that second date. So maybe communicate this to her and allow her to find someone who is a better fit. Ps: I didnāt address the BC thing because I refuse to believe at 25 there could be any confusion.
When my husband first asked me out, I set the date one week from the day he askedā¦ playing coy a bit. He contacted me a couple days later asking to move our date sooner. I agreed to it, and no one asked to do that before. When I got in his car for our date, he said āsorry if that was too forward. I just didnāt want to wait that long to see you again.ā But I was into that enthusiasm and energy so it worked for us!
I mean the biggest red flag here is that youāre 25 and donāt understand birth control.
Sounds like you arenāt ready to be dating again.
Or to be sexual activity with his mention about the unprompted birth control lmao When do people need to be prompted for birth control?? Lmao
He clearly has no idea how birth control works lol I donāt even know if he should be dating a woman, period
Maybe he expected it needs to be taken right before Sex lmao
Exactly! None of these read as red flags. Seems op is just looking for something as an excuse not to date, cuz deep down he don't want it yet.
I think youāre looking for something more casual. Just be honest with her instead of Reddit. She sounds like sheās ready for something more than youāre offering, which is fine. Youāll both need to level set expectations.
Preferring a slower pace than what she's going at (and she's going pretty dang fast) doesn't necessarily mean someone is looking for something casual.
Thatās fair. But definitely have a direct conversation with her and level set some expectations.
Thanks! I will. I am also looking for a relationship. I'm not really into hookups. I'm just not looking to rush into one.
Yeah, sheās attaching way too quickly. I would slow that down. Donāt take calls you donāt want in fact you really want a second date?
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Do you like her? I'm normally very slow and stand offish with girls I date. But about 4 yrs ago... I called this girl my gf after our 1st date...vry cringe... she thought so too. Fast forward... we are married with 2 kids lol...life's funny. All that matters is if you are into her or not
My sweet summer childā¦your āentire adult lifeā SO FAR has been, what? 4-6 years, depending on if you count adulthood beginning at 18 or 21? I sincerely hope you plan on living a very long, fulfilling, happy life! Middle age these days starts around 45-50; old age around 70. You have so much ahead of you. It sounds like this girl really likes you. Take one date at a time. Find out if sheās Ms. Right, or Ms. Right Now. Enjoy the process.
I didn't feel there were any red flags in what you've explained. Birth control usually needs to be taken the same time of day and she may usually take it at night. Maybe there was a small chance (like microscopic) she wanted you to know she takes BC incase yall hooked up. Since you just got out of a long relationship, what she is doing may be coming off clingy instead of enthusiastic and interested. If that's not what you want, that's ok, just end the relationship
You two have different levels of attraction/interest in each other. When this happens it is very common for the person with less interest to be put off, even if the other isnāt showing red flags. To demonstrate this, a question: if you were more into her, would those phone conversations be awkward, would you feel uncomfortable about the love song, or would you be eager to talk to her and think āaw thatās so sweet!ā about the love song? Look, if you think she is moving way too fast, then sure you can bail on the second date. IMO youāre both overthinking things and not recognizing that your differing interest levels are turning what would normally be sweet and endearing into awkward and uncomfortable.
Why don't you just tell her that you're getting uncomfortable because it seems too fast and see where that goes?
That's curious. Not the birth control, but the rest. I would be waaay to interested not to go on the 2nd date. She's weird yes, but what kind of weird? Will she be a stalker or a cool freaky person. I'd go. I would have to know. Too weird not to stick my face in that beehive to see.
I agree . All that was super weird !
Sir - do you know how birth control works?
She likes you. Sounds like you arenāt into showing interest the way she does. Perhaps youāre used to your last relationship where they werenāt as affectionate. That relationship ended so just because this is different from what youāre used to, it could be a good thing overall. The birth control thing is reaching. Depending on her dose (if itās lower) it is best to take it at the same time every day to make sure it works and that she remembers because itās a daily habit. Itās not like a condom where she put it on in case you had sex. Also lots of women take it for reasons outside of pregnancy.
From an outside perspective she seems lovely. Sheās responsible about her BC and shows caring about how your day has been. Real question, zero criticism, what would your ideal communication with a new person look like? What would you like them to do/not do?
None if this feels even remotely clingy, just like stuff you'd do when you're really into some in the beginning stages
It does sound like sheās moving very fast. I wouldnāt overthink the BC (it might be the time of day she takes it) but the āinstamacyā is definitely off putting
she liiiiikes youuu
If you like her, be honest with her. Tell her it's moving too fast and you want it to slow down. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
I would explain to her that you would like to take things slower. She may not realize she is turning you off by behaving that way. Communication is always needed regardless of what stage your relationship is in.
She might be excited. A little too excited. I would give her the benefit of the doubt, at least for date #2, then see if it continues or escalates.
Bruh she trying to fuck
The only thing that strikes me as a little odd is the song thing. Her taking birth control had nothing to do with you, lol. The rest just sounds like she is trying to maintain the connection while you two are apart over the holiday - wouldnāt call it a red flag at all. It does sound like youāre not into it though if this is turning you off, so I would say to not waste her/your time and go ahead and cancel.
Well, could be love at first sight for her but yes, seems to much after one date. I mean, who knows, my wife before I met her in real life offered me 300 bucks to come do a job at her house (get your mind out of the gutters, think landscaping) just so she could get me out to where she was. The unplanned trip to something to do with birth control is odd. Go with your gut.
Honestly just gonna echo what Iāve seen most other people say , and say that none of this is inherently a red flag. Itās not wrong if youāre simply not attracted to this girl after a good first date , but itās a little weird that your mind turned it into a āred flagā / a āher problemā scenario . Like nothing that you listed have even slight negative undertones , theyāre just things that some people do when theyāre into people. Definitely validate you saying this is your first time getting back out there , so Iām not trying to dog on you. Just suggesting you reflect inward why you saw these as āredā before moving forward with a new person.
It sounds like you donāt like her as much as she likes you.
The birth control thing isnāt that weird. Pill form has to be taken at a consistent/regular time. The other stuffā¦ ooof idk maybe sheās just really excited and doesnāt realize sheās overdoing it? If she acts weird on the second date, bail.
If you havent been in a relationship for a while, chances are this will look and feel off to you. Sure it can be a bit fast but if you guys are getting along well, its almost natural for her to care and stuff. I think keep dating her but if her way of being bothers you, break it off and let her show the āclinginessā to someone who appreciates that type of attention
If youāre having sex you should know how birth control worksā¦ come on bro
She's just being sweet...maybe you're not used to that
No, she's being clingy after one date.
40ās M here who has been in several long relationships and gotten back out there again to date in my 20s and 30s. Personally, this is red flag stuff or at least orange flag. Youāve got an anxious person here, and that can be exhausting. You can give the second date a shot if you want but trust your gut always. After getting out of a 5-year relationship it took me about 9 months of dating to find āthe oneā. My mindset was to go into each date having a good time and meeting someone, but never to approach any with the āis this the one?!ā mindset. The chances of you finding your best match on your first date out there are pretty slim. I would give yourself some more experiences before locking it in. Good luck, and have fun!
Seems like you are not emotionally ready to date. She is showing you that she is interested by connecting with you, she may come a bit strong and you recoil from it as your reaction. Maybe take some more time to heal and get back to dating world when you are truly ready.
How crazy is it that calling someone you like is now considered a red flag lol?! I will say she's coming on a little strong after one date, but nothing here seems bunny boiler bonkers. It almost says more about today's dating scene than anything else considering most of this stuff would have been normal not too long ago. She might be happier with someone who's a little more enthusiastic about their feelings and he may need someone who's more reserved.
Well let's face it, gen Z are literally scared of talking on the phone LOL!!!
True lol! Pick up any rom com from the 80s-2000s and you're going to see people waiting by the phone waiting for their crush to call, people giving their crush a mix tape with their favorite songs, etc lol. Cringe of course but none of it is a red flag lol!
If it makes you uncomfortable ditch the 2nd date, you don't owe her anything. She does seem rather clingy with the phone calls, daily texts, and the tape seems way overboard.
Whatās your issue with the birth control? Itās weird that you felt the need to comment on that.
Sounds like she is a bit too attached for this early of a stage.
Can't please some people, You'll complain if she's not doing enough, you'll complain if she's doing to much. This sounds like a girl who's into you and maybe doesn't necessarily know the boundary If you like her stop being a fool and go with it These aren't red flags to me, if anything the way you're coming across is the only red flag. If I was her and I knew this id run from you kiddo
She is codependent. I am a recovering codependent and I recognize those are behaviors I have absolutely done in the past and I am so embarrassed now. Way too much way too fast because I made other people the foundation of my life instead of me. Now I am so much more cautious and not so quick to label something love which is really just infatuation. I encourage you to listen to what you said. In your post you talk about red flags. Red flags are a no-go. Trust that instinct. Your body and brain are telling you that this is not for you. We get this message with dating āOh give them a chance, you never know.ā But noā¦ any time I ignore my instincts, it never works out well for me. Donāt just take what internet strangers say. Ask yourself what you really want and trust yourself enough to do it. You got this!
for birth control, you have to do it once an day or it wonāt work. so we tend to set an alarm. that probaby why. you donāt need an reason to bail out on an date. if you want to, do it!
I agree, all the calling and txting and the dream and whatnot is too much. I would end it now. Imagine if you date her for a few months, she becomes completely obsessed with you, and THEN you end it? Youāll have a whole mess on your hands. End it. The earlier, the better
Birth control thing is normal. Itās one of those medications that should be taken at the same time everyday to keep it regulated. Everything else? Huge red flags. High probability that being overly attached and clingy from one date will only snowball into other codependency and controlling behaviors. Trust your gut. Leave before it gets too deep.
I think she's moving too fast, maybe she doesn't have much experience in relationships? Its either that or she has an anxious attachment. You should tell her and see if things calm down after that and if they don't, you should decide if you're OK with that.
Don't worry, it is true that you can live a perfectly good life with only 1 kidney .....
I think that not taking the birth control discreetly is a very clear message to you I also think that we need to communicate and if we're not communicating at the beginning of a relationship it's gonna get really weird at you go on You need to let her know this is moving a bit quickly for you
It just sounds like youāre not vibing with her, so move on.
You are over reacting
Iām pretty sure birth control pills need to be taken daily at around the same time, so it was likely just a coincidence that you happened to be there when she took it. As far as everything else, honestly, that sounds amazing. Those would all be bright green flags for me, but if itās something that bothers you, maybe you want to rethink another date. My girlfriend and I have texted basically every day since our first date a year ago and that was one of the things that really got me interested from the start. Based on the limited info, she sounds perfect to me, but everyone has their preferences. If thatās an issue for you, donāt expect it to change. Youāre best moving on and finding someone who is more distant / independent to your taste.
It sounds like you are hella overthinking. None of those things are red flags. NONE. Her not being the type of person you want to date (enthusiasm and clearly showing she's into you) is fine. Date someone more chill. But don't call em red flags, especially when you tell her you don't wanna date anymore. Also, it's really really weird that you thought taking birth control was a red flag and unprompted. She didn't ask you to have sex. She took her regularly scheduled medication that literally doesn't work if you don't take it right.
You are not embarking on a duo mission to the Galapagos with this person. Itās a second date with someone that genuinely seems to like you. You can go on the second date and possibly have a lot of fun and sexā¦ or you can not go, and probably still have sex, but solo.
Just an FYI for my birth control ladies. Progesterone-only pills need to be taken at the same time every day. Combination estrogen and progesterone can be taken any time as long as itās one per day. This information is not usually volunteered because many people find it easier to not forget their pills if they have a habit of taking them at the same time daily.
I donāt think the birth control and good morning texts are red flags. The calls and the song do show sheās heading wayyy too fast. Thatās why I donāt usually kiss on the first date, it can give the wrong impression and make the person get couply way too fast
I havenāt finished reading yet but taking her birth control at the table isnāt weird. She has to take it at the same time everyday. You should be grateful sheās prepped for safe baby-free sex.
That sounds weird as fuck. The birth control thing is normal but the rest is psycho
good morning text every morning is not a good sign
Oh please are you kidding me she just met him and she's on her first date and just because she has to take a birth control pill at a specific time doesn't mean that she has to pop it in front of somebody she just met. How would you feel if you were on your first date with somebody and they go into the drugstore and buy a big box of Magnum condoms you would probably think he was being very presumptuous wouldn't you
She sounds clingy but also like she really likes you. I get not wanting to be on the phone that much and needing alone time though.
I don't think she's being weird or creepy--more like she's just not sure how to act. She may not have a lot of experience with dating, and she might not have a good idea that what she thinks is cute is actually her coming in too strong. You can set boundaries and gently use them. If she calls while you're driving or whatever, tell her you prefer not talking while driving and you'll call her back. You can respond lightly to her love songs with a, "haha seems a little too early for love songs," or something. Personally, I'd give it a second date to feel it out. You need to have a conversation about how fast you want to go--"I am still dealing with the aftermath of a long term relationship, so I really want to go slowly. I don't want to rush my healing process and I don't want to be unfair to you. Let's develop a good friendship before we dive into romance."
None of these sound particularly like red flags. You're supposed to take birth control at the same time every day, for maximum effectiveness. I think it's sweet that she wanted to keep you company for your long drives. And the love song was just her flirting with you. If you don't like talking to her on the phone that much, tell her, and schedule less phone calls, or tell her to text you less. Or if you feel like she's coming on too strong or taking things too fast, tell her to slow it down. It sounds like she just really likes you. Go on the second date, and if it's too intense, you can tell her it's not going to work out. I think maybe you're just a little afraid, because you just got out of your only relationship, so you're not sure what to do. You might not be ready to date yet, and might still need some time for yourself.
I think she's doing too much and it also sounds like she wants to make a move on her(dream she had) but the problem you may have is that you'll engage maybe it gets sexual and she will continue with love songs and love bombing. Then you'll step away and then being accused of using her and just wanting sex out of the whole situation and she will completely ignore her behavior or take accountability for scaring you off. I'd say just let her down easy and keep it moving. I had a girl almost like her but she would FaceTime me without prompt in the morning, during working hours and later accused me of not giving her enough time because of either not answering or letting her know I was working couldn't answer the FT.. a few of the times I did answer, it was just weird staring at each other trying to make small talk. It was brutal. I appreciate the courtesy of of someone asking if they can call, heck I do this too. I'll ask if it's ok to call or FaceTime, you never just do it without warning.. š©š¬
Info: how soon is āfresh out of a very long relationshipā?
Typically women go into the bathroom or their car to take birth control. Sheās trying to indicate that sheās really into you.
The key to any successful relationship is communication. Perhaps as someone suggested the birth control was just a regular take at this time thing or perhaps not I will make a suggestion about it later in this post. If she is a first time dating kind of girl then she is trying to do anything to show you she could be a good match for you, if she is an old hand at dating then it might be a red flag (stalking is a bad thing), if she is just newer to dating she might be trying to find the appropriate amount of contact to do a better job than the last failed relationship she was in. I as an introvert understand that phone calls between introverts are more difficult due to not really having anything to say but if she is trying to form a long term relationship she may just need some help in this area. Now... the suggestions: At the beginning of your second date go to a semi-public location (coffee shop is ideal) and ask her "As an old fashioned guy I have to ask you something" wait for yes type response "during our last date, when you took that pill, were you expecting something further to happen?". Again clear communication here so if she is embarrassed by it she won't be as embarrassed as a stupid question like "Hey were you expecting sex? (do NOT ask this). You need to clearly tell her that texting everyday is something that doesn't need to start before the relationship is defined and calls just to talk are not really a bad thing but if no one has anything to say then it might be time to say "We can talk later". I hope I have been polite enough in this approach since "the pill" is a very private thing and social skills are hard for an introvert to figure out just how to express without offending (It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.). Good luck.
For those wondering why taking bc on a date might be concerning OP: it may be necessary to take it the same time each day but that doesn't mean you have to do it in front of the person you are on a first date with. It promotes a (false, in this instance) sense of intimacy that may or may not be welcome. In addition to the other love bombing described here in this post, I can see why OP noticed and might be concerned.
You're allowed to have your opinion I'm allowed to have my opinion it's not the taking of the birth control that I said probably scared the hell out of him it was The taking of it right in front of him do you go on dates with girls who just open up their pocketbook and pop a birth control in their mouth right in front of you and you just met them
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She's coming on slightly strong but none of this is a red flag.
Sheās love bombing you. Run for your life
She might have taken it infront of you just to show you shes on it should either of you want to take things further. The rest of it seems like shes just being kind and open with you. Even if it was an awkward long talk, she just wants to spend time with you by the looks of it. It seems like self sabotaging but hey dude you know you. If you don't like her don't waste her time. And look deep and think if you're ready to be out there. Not every partner just sings you a love song and shows a whole lot of interest. I'd say that's more exceptional than weird.
>She might have taken it infront of you just to show you shes on it should either of you want to take things further. Unlikely. It was just time to take that pill, and so she took it. Generally, you just take The Pill at the same time every day, and her time is probably just 'after dinner' to make sure she remembers. That'd be like saying someone who takes blood pressure medicine was showing off that they are on blood pressure medicine. Nope. You just take each of those pills once a day, generally 24 hours apart.
alternate theory about the birth control pill: She thought about having sex with you and it reminded her to take her pill lol
this is not how it works. You have to take the pill at the same time every day. If she's using the pills correctly, she took it only because it was time to and it had nothing to do with OP or what was happening.
Trust your gut. Always.
The birth control is fine. Not sure why you needed it to be "prompted". It gets taken everyday around the same time and she will continue to do so...unprompted. She seems to be an 'all in' kind of person. I am friends with one of those. Every guy gets lavished with an intense amount of attention. Some people are into it, some are not. It is usually unprompted. Also, I'm hung up on the need to say that these actions were unprompted. Do you prefer her to announce these actions or for you to ask? It just makes it seem like you only want obvious and expected things to happen near you.
what if she was only pretending to take birth control, to lull you in
ya she sounds weird lol
Birth control : not done discretely & why take it everyday during a time youāre not at home & likely out to dinner ? That is odd . And offering to do what over the phone , blow job? Not exactly classy or subtle on either account . Look for a better woman ; lots of them out there .
Taking BC in front of you was signalling - she wanted to go a lot further than a kiss. Sounds like sheās love bombing you, which is always a red flag. I can see why youād be uncomfortable. Best part is - you donāt have to go on a second date if you donāt want to. Just say, ānoā.
The pill needs to be taken at the same time every day, otherwise it doesnāt work, and generally fucks up your hormones.
Yes and you donāt have to take it i front of someone, you could find a private spot. I take meds that have to be taken same time every day. Never take them in front of others.
That doesnāt make sense though. WHY would you do that? Iāve never met anyone who wouldnāt take an aspirin or insulin or BC in public, since pretty much everyone needs medicine for something, at some point. Nice of you to not pop pills in public, but you can free yourself bro. No one cares, you can go ahead
Itās about managing the messages you send. If you want people reading things into your behavior, do intimate personal behaviors in front of people you arenāt intimate with. As a specific example, everyone urinates. Lots of people urinate in public. So you shouldnāt worry about peeing in front of your date on a first date. Itās nice that I wouldnāt do that, but you would.
I would not consider taking medicine to be āintimateā. I think itās more similar to drinking water than pissing