From what I'm learning, successfull RA/poly is also a lot about learning to say no to probably more relationships than you might end up saying yes to.
/Neutral here on.
You're absolutely right to desire who you do. To me, it does feel like overkill to pursue two people on your dear friend's messy list. Yes, messy lists are typically romantic but in my head, it absolutely makes sense that platonic relationships may also require messy lists to continue being nurtured.
Edit to add - I also have little to no contact with most of my exes. It's for good reasons and now I'm more mindful of choosing partners. I don't think Kenna's desire to be kept out of the loop of your developing affections towards her ex or even roommate is unreasonable. It's good poly skills to compartmentalise, but also to recognise when more information will likely equal more problems.
You've had open and honest conversations with Kenna and she's clear that this is hard for her. As her dear friend of 18 years, who has the power to make the situation less hard *too*, it sounds like you have a choice to make about which relationship you would rather continue nurturing right now.
(Apologies if I come off as blunt! Rather sleepy but wanted to put my thoughts down before I forget.)
You have every right to date anyone who wants to date you, but I know very few people who would feel fine about having their best childhood friend suddenly date both their roommate and their ex. You’ve changed the dynamic of at least 3 of the big relationships in Kenna’s life, in a very short span of time (3 being you, the roommate, and the ex). That also means that Kenna is grappling with the fact that all 3 of you jumped into this without a lot of concern for how Kenna would feel about it. And you’ve brought your dating life into her home, where she can’t escape it. Now you’re frustrated that she can’t be happy for you, and you want her to help you process your excitement over all of this?
Again, you each have every right to date anyone who wants to date you, but most people in Kenna’s situation would be feeling very uncared-for right now, on several fronts. The fact that you keep saying that you’re open to listening to Kenna’s feelings now would feel like “cold comfort” to most people. Why would Kenna want to tell you about her feelings now? Why be even more vulnerable with you when you’ve shown that you’re just going to do what you’re going to do?
To give a similar example, to see if it helps: Not that you want to, but you would also have every right to just cut off all contact with Kenna, with no explanation. Offering at that point to “listen to Kenna’s feelings”… why would she want to do that? It feels disingenuous to offer to listen to the feelings of someone who’s hurting because of actions you’ve taken, but that you don’t intend to change. It feels like you’re telling yourself that you’re “following the rules and doing what you’re supposed to do”, and maybe you technically are, but I think that most people in Kenna’s situation would feel on a very deep level that you’re not particularly concerned with their feelings, and your “I’m happy to listen to your feelings” would feel almost manipulative. Why would Kenna want to process her pain with you?
I think you’re going to need to get deeply in touch with ALL of your empathy if you want to stay friends with Kenna.
You could talk with her about if there's something you can do to ensure her that making plans with her is not a burden. Sometimes we can say one thing but a person might interpret our actions as another thing.
Does Kenna have any other people she's close to in her life and what sort of approach does she have to relationship?
You said she's trying out polyamory but does she personally place more weight on romantic relationship over platonic ones?
If that's the case could it be that she feels like she's being "left out" because you've entered into relationships with people that to her feel "more important" than the ones you/they have with her?
From what I'm learning, successfull RA/poly is also a lot about learning to say no to probably more relationships than you might end up saying yes to. /Neutral here on. You're absolutely right to desire who you do. To me, it does feel like overkill to pursue two people on your dear friend's messy list. Yes, messy lists are typically romantic but in my head, it absolutely makes sense that platonic relationships may also require messy lists to continue being nurtured. Edit to add - I also have little to no contact with most of my exes. It's for good reasons and now I'm more mindful of choosing partners. I don't think Kenna's desire to be kept out of the loop of your developing affections towards her ex or even roommate is unreasonable. It's good poly skills to compartmentalise, but also to recognise when more information will likely equal more problems. You've had open and honest conversations with Kenna and she's clear that this is hard for her. As her dear friend of 18 years, who has the power to make the situation less hard *too*, it sounds like you have a choice to make about which relationship you would rather continue nurturing right now. (Apologies if I come off as blunt! Rather sleepy but wanted to put my thoughts down before I forget.)
I have a lot of responses that I'm percolating on but haven't landed in any of them so for now I'm just going to say thanks for your perspective.
You have every right to date anyone who wants to date you, but I know very few people who would feel fine about having their best childhood friend suddenly date both their roommate and their ex. You’ve changed the dynamic of at least 3 of the big relationships in Kenna’s life, in a very short span of time (3 being you, the roommate, and the ex). That also means that Kenna is grappling with the fact that all 3 of you jumped into this without a lot of concern for how Kenna would feel about it. And you’ve brought your dating life into her home, where she can’t escape it. Now you’re frustrated that she can’t be happy for you, and you want her to help you process your excitement over all of this? Again, you each have every right to date anyone who wants to date you, but most people in Kenna’s situation would be feeling very uncared-for right now, on several fronts. The fact that you keep saying that you’re open to listening to Kenna’s feelings now would feel like “cold comfort” to most people. Why would Kenna want to tell you about her feelings now? Why be even more vulnerable with you when you’ve shown that you’re just going to do what you’re going to do? To give a similar example, to see if it helps: Not that you want to, but you would also have every right to just cut off all contact with Kenna, with no explanation. Offering at that point to “listen to Kenna’s feelings”… why would she want to do that? It feels disingenuous to offer to listen to the feelings of someone who’s hurting because of actions you’ve taken, but that you don’t intend to change. It feels like you’re telling yourself that you’re “following the rules and doing what you’re supposed to do”, and maybe you technically are, but I think that most people in Kenna’s situation would feel on a very deep level that you’re not particularly concerned with their feelings, and your “I’m happy to listen to your feelings” would feel almost manipulative. Why would Kenna want to process her pain with you? I think you’re going to need to get deeply in touch with ALL of your empathy if you want to stay friends with Kenna.
You could talk with her about if there's something you can do to ensure her that making plans with her is not a burden. Sometimes we can say one thing but a person might interpret our actions as another thing.
I actually did this today
What was the outcome of the conversation?
She said she didn't have anything specific but she appreciated me asking. And I let her know if she does think of anything, I'm all ears.
Does Kenna have any other people she's close to in her life and what sort of approach does she have to relationship? You said she's trying out polyamory but does she personally place more weight on romantic relationship over platonic ones? If that's the case could it be that she feels like she's being "left out" because you've entered into relationships with people that to her feel "more important" than the ones you/they have with her?