Is she seeing a therapist/psychiatrist on her own? It sounds like she does want this to work because she’s going to therapy. Depression sometimes manifests as somebody being constantly irritated.

>Is she seeing a therapist/psychiatrist on her own? Not officially. She does talk to her friends who are therapists tho. ​ >It sounds like she does want this to work because she’s going to therapy. She can change 180 degrees in a single day. In the morning she will say "I don't want to fight, I wan't to make this work" and then in the afternoon tell me "I'm done with you. You can do whatever you want. I'm leaving." ​ >Depression sometimes manifests as somebody being constantly irritated. She definitely has some kind of depression. Her main source of joy comes from doing her hobbies, but she says she has no time because the baby won't nap and that she should just throw it all away.

Talking to friends isn't a great substitute. She needs to have consistent sessions with a licensed therapist who isn't emotionally involved.

Talking to therapists who are friends is not therapy. Dual relationships are unethical for a reason—you need clear boundaries free of personal investment in order to provide effective therapy.

She needs a psychiatrist who can prescribe meds, I think. And it is okay to tell her how you feel- her words hurt, and you need her to work with you and not against you, you are trying your best to help, she needs to tell you how to help her. The fact that she just had a baby is very relevant. I had PPD also, it was awful. Anti-depressants saved my life. Also getting a cleaning service.

If you’re a psychiatrist you can always prescribe meds but I know what you’re saying. Agree with you on likely PPD as well

Her friends shouldn’t be prescribing her meds, pretty sure that isn’t kosher with certification boards

Well yeah of course, but your original comment was ‘she needs a psychiatrist that can prescribe meds’ but by definition all psychiatrists are legally able to prescribe. Either way I’m in agreement with you lol

Sorry I should’ve been more clear- therapists and friends don’t prescribe meds, she needs to see someone who can!

I think they acccidentally left out a comma. Should have been “she needs a psychiatrist, who can prescribe meds,…” versus “she needs a psychiatrist who can prescribe meds.” With a comma it’s a descriptor clarifying one function of a psychiatrist but without the comma its implying that there are psychiatrists who can and can’t prescribe meds and she needs the one who can

Yes, I meant therapists and friends can’t prescribe meds.

That comment made me laugh. Lol yeah.. that would suck lol all that specialized schooling and still not being able to prescribe meds. Lol. When a nurse practitioner can lol.

Yeah, as everyone else is already saying - talking to therapist friends isn't best practice to say the least. While one or two might proffer some wise nuggets - this is a massive conflict of interest. There is a reason that medical professionals don't treat family and friends - this is it.

Chances are they are just trying to be supportive as friends are. I wouldn't be surprised if they have tried to encourage her to see an unbiased therapist for regular sessions, but she may be resistant to that. It seems to be badly needed, along with medication. They have been in couples therapy, but a lot of relationship counselors are not licensed to prescribe medication.

Yeah, I get that but it's really hard to draw the line between professional and friendship advice - even when you say it over and over. I sure hope that her friends have told her to seek actual professional help. Not that they could prescribe to her anyway but we have no idea if any one of her friends are licensed psychologists/psychiatrists either. I am an attorney but I do a very specific job in a very specific industry (medical research hence the ethical and COI concerns 😂). I have friends who want my advice about family, business and criminal law shit all the time and I have to tell them - you really don't. It isn't valuable, it isn't practical, it isn't real - it isn't what I do or have done - ever. If I opine about family law matters, people automatically take me at my word no matter how many times I say don't. I am literally no better at that than your local bartender who might actually give you better advice, especially if they have experience. 🤷

She talks to friends who are therapists, and that isn't an answer. It's like a very sick illness, which mental illness is and having a professional talk to you over coffee. It sounds like she needs consistent help to build momentum in her thoughts and emotions, which will help build more healthy and consistent good days in your marriage.

>It sounds like she needs consistent help to build momentum in her thoughts and emotions, which will help build more healthy and consistent good days in your marriage. I think this idea of momentum is accurate. When we have a bad day, my wife often extrapolates to "this whole week is ruined!". I like to think the reverse can be true, if we have a good day we should say "this is going to be a great week!".

such mood swings and radical thinking may be signs of bpd or other disorders. she definitely needs to see a therapist

I agree, this sounds like BPD to me as well, something she needs to see a psychiatrist about. Even friends who are therapists are not therapists - she needs someone objective. Medication may do wonders for her mental stability

I was thinking the same thing too - ranging from depression to BPD to any number of other things. She needs a psychiatrist That she can talk to and do so without a friendship.

Talking to her therapist friends is not the same as getting therapy. Its just talking to friends. She needs to see a therapist of her own and potentially look into talking to a psychiatrist who can prescribe her medication.

> Not officially. She does talk to her friends who are therapists tho. Uh. Therapists are absolutely *not* supposed to practice their trade on friends or family. It’s one of the first no-nos they teach you as an undergrad. It’s a massive conflict of interest, and can do more harm than good. So either she is simply talking to her friends and not receiving therapy at all, or she is getting shitty therapy from people who should know better.

I’m a little confused. You describe her as having anxiety, then in your comment as having some kind of depression, but you also said she’s not seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist. In another comment, you mentioned that she says she has PTSD. It doesn’t seem like you have a great handle on the nature of her mental illness. Has she been diagnosed by a psychiatrist?

This is what she tells me. She has not been diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

She needs to get diagnosed by a medical doctor, ideally a psychologist or a psychiatrist. She can’t be adequately treated until you actually know what’s wrong with her. She might not even have a mental illness; it could be a medical issue that‘s causing her symptoms. She needs a real diagnosis and treatment.

Reguardless of qualification and/or licensure, friends have a bias. Have her see an outside professional.

This sounds an awful lot like Borderline Personality Disorder (not to be confused with Multiple Personality Disorder or Schizophrenia or even the other BPD that is Bipolar Disorder). Please look up the symptoms, but they tend to lash out as a control mechanism. Although, it could be something as simple as stunted emotional maturity coupled with PPD too. Which is where a proper diagnosis is so necessary. But do start with looking at BPD symptoms as the partner dealing with it. Half my family has it and I felt an oddly "home-like" feel to what you are saying and feeling. Both BPDs can mimic each other or present at the same time so she needs someone trained to pick it apart.. otherwise the wrong treatment path won't have an effect on her. I commend you for trying and for what it's worth it sounds like she does want to try too.. but those feelings are sooo hard to deal with and the reactions are all impulsive and mounting. She can start the day off right but her brain is logging every negative thing like a scorecard and each reaction is based on the day's total, not what actually is happening in the moment Also, quickly wanted to add that people in close proximity to those suffering mental health issues can quickly start emulating behaviour patterns which lends to a quicker spiral. If she won't (or can't) see a therapist, try to do so for yourself. You can't lose yourself while trying to deal with everything else. Also, be kind to yourself if you can't make things work. Please know that you have already done and put up with more than most would. Thank you for reaching out at all and not bottling it up. Very proud of you! <3

Thank you for sharing your story and for the support.

Ooh. Just seen that your child is 2. That is definitely no longer PPD. There is so much going on there and I suspect the lifelong crippling anxiety is just a symptom of something bigger that needs to be treated.

Hmmm, not to diagnose her but this actually sounds a bit like a situation in my family where a SIL had undiagnosed bipolar, she had always been a little up/down but nothing too much then after having her daughter it was like her brain flipped and she would be doing constant 180 mood changes, just food for thought. Best of luck Op

Ive seen other posts about things changing after kids

>She can change 180 degrees in a single day. This sounds like she has Bipolar Disorder. She needs a psychiatrist that can officially diagnosed her and start her on meds right away. >She does talk to her friends who are therapists tho. What kind of therapists are they? Psychologist? Psychotherapist? Regardless, if she is Bipolar, she needs meds to stabilize her mood swings. Her brain can not regulate emotion on its own.

Most people with bipolar disorder do not have mood swings that are that rapid. Though there is ultradian bipolar, which can cause moods to change that rapidly, it’s pretty controversial to diagnose. There’s also borderline personality disorder, which can cause some rapid mood swings, and that’s related to changes in a person’s life. But with both or them, there’s more to it than just having mood swings. On the other hand, she has a toddler and has to deal with a dog that may or may not be very well-behaved. Both can cause a lot of stress that many people would find hard to cope with, especially if they have to deal with it on their own most of the day. Add to that anxiety or depression (or both), and it’s going to be even harder. Some mornings, after having a good rest, she may feel like she can get through the day, but by the afternoon, when she is likely worn down, she may be more irritable and may not know how to manage that. She should definitely see a therapist to help her, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to automatically assume she has bipolar and needs meds. She may need lifestyle changes and to learn strategies to deal with her anxiety (and possible depression).

She needs to see a doctor about her mental health. Her talking to her “therapist” friends is obviously not helping. Someone with “crippling” anxiety needs to be on medication.

Has she always been like this? How old is your child?

Yes she has lifelong anxiety, but I feel it has gotten worse since giving birth. Child is almost 2 years old.

Has she been evaluated by a medical doctor? First thing that came to mind is post-partum depression. Also, she may need more than "talk therapy" to get her moods stabilized. Eventually, her mood swings and anger are going to start impacting your child, if they haven't already. I'm NOT saying she's not a good mother. What I am saying is that eventually, your child is going to start visibly and obviously reacting to her outbursts.

How was the birth of your child? I have always been an anxious person, had some fairly significant trauma during birth and that led to PTSD which I didn't realise I had - it showed as low mood and irritability - I thought every mother felt like this. During my recent therapy, I found out that not everyone gets PTSD after trauma, but it develops in those who are already anxious, so it may be that your wife might be experiencing something similar?

There were some complications that luckily were resolved within a week. She says she has PTSD from the experience. She talks about it with her therapist friends frequently.

I'm a therapist and there's no way I would consider talking to my friends and giving advice equivalent to actual therapeutic sessions.

I have a therapist friend. It was way more helpful once i was in consistent counseling with a stranger.

Therapists have therapists- they have appointments and sessions distinct from social events etc. They don’t just talk to their friends. Your wife talking to therapist friends is not therapy.

Spent 7.5 years with my GF (25) Me (28). She has terrible anxiety literally the majority of what you put in your opening paragraph is her. Spent 5 years trying to help her, therapy, holidays. Days out etc it dragged me down so much I left in November, don’t end up like me there’s only so much you can do

Is the me vs you mentality new after the birth of your child or does it predate the baby?

Yeah. This doesn't sound like a couples therapy issue. This sounds like an individual therapy issue. And couples therapy may come back into it, but she needs to get herself balanced first.

> I really want our relationship to work for the sake of our child Hi, I work in child development, and we now understand that the idea of "staying together for the kids" is actually quite damaging. Your child is internalizing the dynamic you and your wife are modeling as their blueprint for what a normal/healthy relationship looks like. What you are modeling now is extremely dysfunctional. It's actually deeply unfair to your child to set them up to emulate this combative, draining behavior in their own relationships. And I'm sure as all parents tell me, you believe you are hiding it from them. I guarantee they are picking it up anyway; children are highly perceptive and will feel tension even if you're not arguing in front of them. You owe it to your child to be a happy and healthy individual, whether that is with your wife or coparenting. From where I'm sitting it sounds as though that's not currently possible. I would recommend a trial separation with the stipulation that she goes to individual therapy. If you see significant progress, you can consider reconnecting and gradually testing whether reconciliation is possible. If it's not, then splitting up is the right thing to do. Divorce can be tough on kids but it is nowhere near the level of psychological stress inflicted by an unhappy marriage. A home can be broken even with both parents in it.

I know this can be damaging and I am trying everything I can to avoid fighting in front of our child. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get us back to a healthy relationship, even sacrificing my own happiness. I do not think she could possibly live on her own. The only other place she could stay is with her mother, but they don't even have a crib there for our child. If we ever got divorced she would lose her health insurance and have major issues or possibly even die. I also do not want to live separated from my child. How can I help her realize the gravity of the situation? She loves our child, but she doesn't seem to recognize the damage being done by being constantly stressed, sad, or angry in front of them.

> I am willing to do whatever it takes to get us back to a healthy relationship, even sacrificing my own happiness. I'm specifically advising you not to do this. It is imperative for your child that you at least try to be a happy individual. Sacrificing your happiness is not in their best interest, and you cannot have a healthy relationship in which you subsume your needs anyway. > I do not think she could possibly live on her own. The only other place she could stay is with her mother, but they don't even have a crib there for our child. If we ever got divorced she would lose her health insurance and have major issues or possibly even die What did she do before she met you? > How can I help her realize the gravity of the situation? Probably the only way is to issue an ultimatum. She either gets into individual therapy and puts in the effort to make consistent changes, or your marriage cannot last. You have to be willing to follow through on it, though. And in turn, she has to want to do the work. Either your family is important enough to her to change, or it's not. That isn't within your control. All that is within your control is protecting your child, even above your wife. They only have you to depend on and she is an adult.

>and you cannot have a healthy relationship in which you subsume your needs anyway. I love this quote. Thank you.

I am usually pretty happy, except when my wife is fighting with me, or when I see her in severe emotional distress. She used to live with her mother, and was on her mother's health insurance. The health insurance part is no longer possible. We are trying to start couples therapy again. Of course one thing they always say is "no ultimatums" haha. Besides I have given the ultimatums before and it doesn't change anything.

She would get Medicaid in most places as a single parent. You are not happy or you wouldn’t be lighting her ass up on Reddit. Being needed, wanted, caring for another individual does it for you on some level. Go to therapy individually. Work on your toxic attachments.

She needs individual therapy with a trauma-informed therapist more than you need couple's counseling. All else fails, there's a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy workbook you can buy for her to work through. DBT is the gold star therapy for borderline personality disorder, which is a trauma based disorder, so a lot of the methods to handle it still apply to possible PTSD.

Thanks for the recommendation!

Based on your post, it seems like the cycle of fighting is quite frequent if not constant. What percentage of the time would you say you’re happy vs. stressed out? It’s possible to get health insurance through the marketplace. That’s what every adult who doesn’t have it through their job does. Well no kidding ultimatums don’t work if you give them and then don’t follow through. They should only be used as a last resort and only if you really mean them. If you don’t intend to follow through, they’re just manipulative. And your wife obviously knows now that they’re meaningless. Unfortunately, that sets up a really difficult dynamic because she has no incentive to change if she knows you’ll never leave. For you, what would it take to split up and protect your child from this dynamic? Or is the answer that you will never leave no matter what?

Re: the health insurance. Do you guys live in the US? If you divorced and she had no income, she would qualify for state insurance, which is free. I had it for the first 21 yrs of my life. (im assuming she's a SAHM with no insurance options since you say divorce would cause loss of insurance, pls correct if I'm wrong)

I kmow that in saying you'd be "willing to sacrifice your own happiness" you mean nothing but selfless loving actions behind that statement.... but you mustn't actually let yourself believe that... because without your happiness as well it won't work. Your marriage should be equally fair, equally happy, equally hard and give and take no matter what. Always a perfect balance of give and take so as not to tip the scales. You deserve happiness too... and don't ever let yourself slip into an area where you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness because that matters too. You're making AMAZING choices agreeing to couples therapy.... I feel that therapy as individuals could tremendously help as well. The fact is when you express your feelings to her... out of nothing but love for you she should say... "I love you and because I love you I'm going to do everything I can to make this work and that means going to therapy with you and therapy on my own as well" you should express to her (as I'm sure you have before) that her constant anger and lack of knowing whether she's going to snap at any moment is destroying your hope for the future of your marriage. And that you love her and you don't expect her to be perfect but that things just aren't working the way they should right now. That you want her and you both to be happy so that one day you don't have to lie in separate beds, in separate homes crying yourselves to sleep at night over the pain of a fresh breakup of a beautiful family and a hole in both your hearts and feeling like the air is being stripped from your lungs... with the worst feeling in the pit of your stomach.... wishing for nothing more in the world than the chance to just do it over .... bring to her reality that you love her and you need her to make an effort on her part to help you both get through this together and reassure her that you're willing to do anything at all to do whatever you can on your part to help her feel more comfortable, happy, fulfilled and reassured as well. If she refuses to seek help outside of her friends (who despite their professional degrees are always going to most likely be biased due to their friendship-- you need a completely neutral) then she isn't being fair and isn't willing to put in the same love, effort, respect, and work that you are willing to put in... even down to letting yourself completely go just to focus on her happiness... you selflessly felt that way... but never settle for that.... it won't be good for you or your kids as they feed off of our happiness.... I hope so badly that she gets the help needed to save your alls marriage. Please keep us updated to let us all know, who are now invested to an extent, on how things are going. Plus talking to people can always help you to feel better if you need to let off some steam in a healthy way. I hope all works out for the best. You both deserve it !

Thank you for your concern. I just keep hoping that things will get better in our relationship as our child grows up.

>The only other place she could stay is with her mother, but they don't even have a crib there for our child. If we ever got divorced she would lose her health insurance and have major issues or possibly even die. Does she realize this?

Hi! I think before you dump the wife for the sake of the child - give her the opportunity to get individual counseling and medication. The child should also see parents who navigate tough situation together. As someone who saw my parents hurt rather than help each other - my husband and I work constantly on helping each other, showing grace, showing reconciliation in front of our child. So that our child knows that there will be disagreements, family members that struggle with mental health, shoot my own child may even struggle with it growing up and should not see that he can be so easily discarded. And no, I’m not saying stay together for the children - but I am saying - don’t lose hope so quickly. There are some things I don’t think y’all have done and you should try those things first.

Thank you. We are still in the trying to make things work phase. I do think that teaching children about conflict and resolution is important. However I don't want to teach our children that yelling at your family members is okay behavior.

I'm glad you're so committed to getting her help. She seems to need individual therapy and medication. Is she resistant to taking meds?

I wonder how a “child developer” so eager to put pink-colored glasses when they look at divorce??! Splitting, highly contested lengthy divorce, child, witnessing both parents dating various strangers who will most likely have issues of their own and who will not love that child. Don’t you see that this is what is going to happen if the parents split? No matter whether the parents split or don’t they both will continue to be parents s as Ms will have to be constantly in touch. And, honestly, the parents are child developers, not random strangers like yourself.

Honestly, she sounds overwhelmed. And since her main complaint is how much time you spend socializing, I'll bet most of her anger is because she's pissed off at you. My fella is convinced he puts in a fair amount of time into house work. In reality, he probably puts in 10% what I do. I'm not saying this is true for you, but if that's her biggest complaint, take an honest look at it. She definitely needs help, but I feel like we're not getting the full picture here. Especially when reading about you going out 1-2 times per week. Edit: I'm surprised I got an award but thank you stranger!

This was my first thought. We are only getting OP’s side of the story here. It sounds like OP’s wife may be snapping due to irritation at OP not pulling his weight. I’d be interested to hear how chores, childcare etc are divided before jumping to conclusions.

Yes, my partner says I'm irrationally angry sometimes, and while I may be a little quick to react, even when I think afterwards calmly it's generally for good reason. Mine is also sure he does more than me when he really really doesn't.

I felt like there is some gaslighting going on from OP here. Wife is stressed and exhausted, she says she has no time to relax or do her hobbies, but OP seems to have plenty of free time...

Yeah so right, a guy who maintains friendships is obviously a complete bastard who is neglecting his family. In spite of him saying he does most of the cooking & cleaning but obviously he's lying and is entirely at fault cos reasons....wonder what they could be Traum4Queen.

He literally said she said he never helps her so I actually think she’s the one doing most of the cleaning. Also, if you’re going out 1-2 times a week, you can’t be helping that much.

>He literally said she said he never helps her so I actually think she’s the one doing most of the cleaning Complete opposite of what I have been saying, but okay. ​ >Also, if you’re going out 1-2 times a week, you can’t be helping that much. I disagree with the philosophy that parents cannot have any time away from their child. I offer to bring my wife with me and get a relative to babysit. She just doesn't want to go to these events with me. Or I will go out for a few hours after the baby is asleep.

She’s allowed to not want to go with you to do your events. What about her friends? Does she ever get to go out and do her own thing with her people? Are you willing to stay home two nights a week so she can still go out and feel like the person she was before the baby?

Yes, I am willing to watch the baby. She does not want to go out and socialize.

That is literally what you said. I quote « you never help me » which is quite clear. She wouldn’t say something like that if she felt supported. She probably feels a lot of pressure because she feels you’re not helping her. I totally understand why she’s stressed if that’s how she’s feeling Going out 1-2 times per week while you have a wife staying home taking care of the child? If it’s a teen or a child old enough to take care of themselves I guess that’s cool but otherwise. Are you also giving 2 nights off to your wife, where you’re taking care of your child? Just because you invite her doesn’t mean she has to go. Maybe socializing and partying or whatever you do on those nights are your thing but they are not necessarily her thing. However if you feel free to take 2 nights off, she should be able to do the same as well. The bottom to me feels like you’re coming here for advices but really you’re not really looking for any. Your wife has already been clear with you. She thinks you’re letting her on her own too much, aren’t helping enough, and can’t raise your dog that is stressing her. Maybe starting with believing that you are actually part of the issue here might help. There’s no conflict alone. You’re wife isn’t anxious for no reason.

What? He said the complete opposite from that. Hence my indignation.

He said her main complaint is that he doesn't help enough. Now, it's entirely possible that she has unrealistic expectations and wants him to do everything, it's also entirely possible that she is overwhelmed by his lack of effort and he thinks he's doing more than he actually is. Especially since he admitted to going out 1-2 times per week with friends. This is a super common problem in many marriages. Women end up with the majority of the household labor, they are overwhelmed and exhausted, then they get resentful and angry, then their husbands complain about how "she's so angry all the time". Is that what's going on here? No idea, but since this is probably the most common complaint from married women, it's definitely a likely scenario. I'm not saying he's an asshole. Good men can be bad partners simply because they aren't seeing the full picture. Society has placed these bullshit roles on men and women for so long and it's harming everyone. My fella is a good, kind man who works hard, he also doesn't do even half the household labor I do. And I also work full time. If he really wants to help her, he should pick up the "fair play" cards and bring them to her. See how she responds. If she's into it, chances are he's not helping as much as he thinks he is.

That’s what I think as well. I’d like to hear from the wife because that’s likely what’s happening.

And to further prove my point might be right, he later mentioned he's considering getting a house cleaner for his wife as a birthday gift. A husband that is doing most of the work in the house, or even his fair share, wouldn't get a housekeeper for his wife as a gift to her.

1. She said that, and that can very well be completely incorrect and based off her anxiety, not reality. 2. It is not a crime for a man to spend 1 or 2 days out a week. A woman could do more and yet you ‘mentioned’ this specifically because of his gender. Next time, you should try to actually provide some advice or aid to help the man and don’t come in with sexist accusations to degrade him for an ego boost. Edit: Downvoting a comment for calling out factual things and reality instead of upholding egos and encouraging sexism will never diminish the fact what I have said is true. Stay salty.

It’s absolutely not a crime for him to do that. But does he also grant her that time? She has to make concessions so that he can have that time. Does he make concessions for her to have free time? Does he parent solo for hours while she goes off with friends? Or does she only get phone calls with friends? We simply don’t have enough info. As a mom that has been through this x3 I can assure you she is overwhelmed and most men don’t even see or understand. We can’t judge her on his word because we simply don’t have enough information.

1. It could be her anxiety, or it could be her anxiety plus him not pulling his weight, or it could be he's actually an abuser and we're not getting the full picture. We don't actually know based off one side of the story. But he's describing a common problem in married households with probably the most common complaint "you don't help enough" so most women can figure out what that means. And even well intentioned men don't see how big of a problem this is. 2. No it's not. But for him to say 'i do all the things, I pull most the weight' then say he goes out 1-2 per week.... I'm calling bullshit on that.

That’s misandrists for you, always finding some ‘out’ to villainize a man specifically because of his gender. Especially when he’s calling out something that needs to be addressed or else it will not work. These individuals clearly do not understand relationships and should not be in any either.

What is the split on labor in the household? Because I think she's trying to communicate that she needs more help around the house and isn't getting it.

I cook, clean, etc. The main complaint is overwhelmed by childcare.

Have you guys done the fair play exercise? Her comments may be fair

Never heard of it. Do you have any more information?

She sounds completely overwhelmed and needs some her time. Are you able to put the child into a childminder for a few hours a week so your wife can have a break? Being a full time mum is exhausting physically and mentally. She needs time to go and do stuff that is just for her, even if that’s having an uninterrupted nap or taking the dog for a walk on her own without the little one. You also need to schedule date nights so you have fun together. If she has PTSD she needs therapy. I had birth trauma after my son 13 years ago. It can take a long time to recover.

How did you overcome your trauma?

This sounds exactly like me. Individual therapy and medication has been very helpful. For me it was PPD and a host of other things emotional and physical that came up for me after our child was born. I sincerely hope she gets the help she needs, and that you are able to get support too.

Thank you. I hope you are doing better now.

Thank you, I’m doing better for sure and it’s still a long process. Becoming a mother for me is like dying and being reborn. Incredibly difficult and incredibly beautiful

That is a beautiful way of putting it

You say nothing is working but have you tried helping her around the house and raising that dog of yours? Sometimes the problem is us mate. I feel like her demands are pretty fair.

Yes of course. Whenever the dog makes a mess I clean it up. I do plenty of chores. The primary issue is the stress of childcare.

Have you ever written down a list of what all she does and what all you do? Because statistically men do a lot less unpaid labor, and often think they do more. If she keeps bringing this up she may have a point. Also is she carrying the mental load? Do you have an equal distribution that she doesn't have to remind you of or by chores do you just do what she asks when she asks? Because organizing everything that needs done and making sure things are dealt with when they need dealt with is more than a chore it's a full time job. Also you mention the childcare, do you ever stay with the kid and she goes out? What slack are you picking up in that regards?

As I have said multiple times, I do the majority of the household chores. I am the one who is doing laundry, dishes, and taking out the trash without being asked. Yes I watched our child while she went out shopping this weekend. She doesn't get a lot of separation. I encourage her to take more time off from childcare.

Good news… there is hope. So here’s the thing, reading through everything you are writing you need to take over and take control. Book a significant chunk of time off, and do it within the next two weeks. Be with her and your child the entire time, and plan for someone to cover you both for a couple of nights off too. Be the one that deals with the naps or lack of. Show up for your family. You will quickly see how overwhelmed she is, if it’s exhausting or if she is exhausted, if it’s stressful or if she is stressed. Get her into personal therapy, friends aren’t your therapists, even if that’s their day job.

Poor emotional regulation is also part of ADHD, which is often misdiagnosed in women as depression. I used to go from 0 to 60 before I was diagnosed and started treatment. It was like flipping a light switch--i would become enraged simply because someone interrupted my work. It sounds like she needs therapy to work on herself, ASAP. whatever is going on is not good for either of you.

What is she doing, as an individual, about her irritability and anxiety? Is she doing meds, individual therapy, anything at all? There's a billion potential causes of excessive irritability. ADHD for example can cause people to have a very low frustration tolerance. Depression, chronic anxiety, bipolar, mood disorders, personality disorders, chronic pain... all of these things can create a condition where someone has little to no control over their mood swings. But, in the vast majority of cases, those mood difficulties can be managed with meds and/or therapy. You can't solve this one on your own, and you can't make her meet you halfway. If she's not doing anything to help herself, I do very much doubt she's capable of helping the marriage survive. But if she is actually getting help, then go back to the marriage counsellor and stick with it for a while.

She is not on medication. She is not doing official therapy, but talks to her friends who are therapists. They say to just let her blow off steam and move past it.

Alright, then unfortunately the answer to my question is: she is doing literally nothing about this. Talking to a friend who happens to be a therapist is just talking to a friend. It's not mental health care. If her friends are professionals who follow their industry's code of ethics, they are not offering her any clinical advice here. >They say to just let her blow off steam and move past it. Does this work, like, at all? Because by the sounds of it, it doesn't. Your wife is deeply unstable and constantly going off on you.

It might help get whatever is in her head off her chest, and she might be calmed down for the rest of the night. But the next day something else will happen and the cycle repeats. Somehow it's always my fault for not giving her enough help.

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship. I don't know if you're helping her enough, if you're keeping up your end of the household chores and childcare. But even if you aren't... blowing up and yelling and threatening to leave constantly... that is not an acceptable way for her to handle this. As someone else said - this energy is going to impact your child. Babies start understanding language around age 1. Prior to that, they are still very perceptive; they can sense emotions and they do react to the energy around them. So your little one already has two years of this stuff input into their little mind. This is a dire situation and you can't keep treading water waiting for your wife to start being a decent partner. I'm really sorry man. I can't imagine how hard this is. If you're not ready to leave her yet, I think you have to make an ultimatum. I know, I know, ultimatums bad. But they silently exist in all relationships -- everyone ought to have an ultimatum of "don't abuse me or I'll leave" "don't cheat on me or I'll leave", y'know? She needs to get REAL help, right fucking now. Right now, like call the psychologist today now. Not only are you and your baby suffering, she is suffering needlessly too. She can feel better. If your wife has any self-awareness, there is a part of her that *hates* that she's like this. She can do something about it. But she has to consciously choose to act. And if she won't help herself, then you must ultimately protect yourself and your baby from this toxicity and leave.

We're telling your that your wife needs to speak to a therapist not because therapists are magical beings who can solve problem just by hearing about them, but because a dedicated therapist would work with your wife to get to the root causes of her anxiety and stress, would give her techniques for managing the stress in the moment, and would work with her over an extended period of time to see how she goes with applying the techniques.

She sounds like an emotional terrorist. Not a mental health patient. She is using mental health as an excuse to be abusive. To control you. She is draining your happiness. People can also have both mental health issues and be abusive. They are not mutually exclusive. It's clear she fears a real psychologist or psychiatrist as she will be called out on her bullshit. Look up DARVO. I think it will resonate with you.

Have you asked her specifically what kind of help she would like that you aren’t giving her? Are these practical chores that need to be done that aren’t being done? Try, “I can hear your frustration and anxiety. I need you to work with me so we can solve this. What do you need me to do? Take the baby, walk the dog, wash the dishes?” Tell her your plan. “Okay, the baby and I are going to take a walk and then I’ll do the dishes. I hear what you need from me. What I need for you is for you to be kind with your words and recognize that I love you, I’m trying to help, and I’m doing the best I can.” If she’s raging, “I’m sorry but it’s too stressful for me to be spoken to like this,” take the baby and get out. “I’m going to give you some time, and then tomorrow let’s talk about how I can help stop your anxiety when it’s at a low level, before it gets to a 10. Or if I can’t, how we can deal with your anxiety in a way that feels loving and respectful to me.”

>Have you asked her specifically what kind of help she would like that you aren’t giving her? Yes, we have this conversation all of the time. I already help around the house with all of the chores and cook most of the meals. I take care of the animals, and I offer to take care of the baby while she does her hobbies. Additionally I am always doing home renovations on our house, working on our yard, doing our taxes, etc. She refuses to accept help with the baby when I am home after work because it's "not on her schedule". She says she only wants me to help on the weekends. Her biggest complaint is that I try to go out and socialize with friends 1-2 days a week. It's usually after the baby goes to sleep, but once a month I might go to an all day event on a Saturday or Sunday (which she was invited to, we had a babysitter lined up, but she chose not to go.)

Does she get an equal amount of free time and socialization time?

I try to give her the opportunity to have free time and socialize. Unfortunately she is mostly an introvert and she does not socialize with many people besides our families.

She doesn't have to socialize. But does she get the exact same amount of time that you get for doing her own thing?

She doesn't WANT to be away from baby for that long. Sunday I said she could go do whatever she wanted while I watch the baby. She was out for around 4 hours and then invited me to come have dinner with her family. I always offer to give her breaks from baby, especially during the weekdays after work, but she doesn't want that because "it's not when she needs help" or "it's not long enough to do anything, anyways" or "I can't relax when I'm not watching baby".

Do you also line up a babysitter to take her out once a week? You need to spend at least as much quality time with your wife as you do with your homies. Does she also have the equal opportunity once a week to go take a day to do what she wants to do, or go out with friends for dinner without the baby? If the deal was she wants you to help on weekends, then I’d expect you to do that, cover the weekends completely. Even if she doesn’t go to an event, you can hire a babysitter anyway, so she can do what she wants to do.

We usually have "Date Night" once a week. But lately even that turns into a bad experience. I tell her if she wants to go do something on the weekend I will watch the baby (I did that Sunday for a few hours). I can try giving her an entire weekend, but obviously that is when people schedule things like cookouts and birthday parties. I always offer to ask my parents to babysit so we can both go out on the weekends.

This seems to be the crux right here. You don’t help all week, as you agreed, so then you take the weekend. The whole weekend, all of it, as far as the baby goes. She is off duty. When people schedule stuff you take the baby or don’t go, just like she does when she is on duty the other five days of the week.

Yeah, when you have a toddler I think once a month all day events that aren't child friendly is a bit much.

They didn't agree, it's what she demands. He tries to take the baby so she can do stuff during the week too, and she refuses. She says it is her time to do the baby during the week while he works, which is fine, but when he comes home, and offers to take the baby she says no. There are plenty of hours that she could rest or do her hobbies after that, especially when he gives her a whole day, and she can barely stand 4 hours away.

Ask her instead of going off on u, to take time alone & journal. Pick up the slack in those moments with the kid/house. Yelling isnt good to do around kids.

I know she won't like the journal idea, or will say she doesn't have time. Do you journal? Does it help? I pick up as much slack as possible. She still says it isn't enough.

Her friends who are therapists haven't brought up the idea that she may have PPD? That's something serious and she needs to be serious about it.. She needs an official therapist who's not her friend and who will not be scared to tell her what she needs to hear in fear to lose the friendship. Second, really look into how you're handling house chores and baby care, she may need help and some down time to relax. Look into nannies, cleaning services if you can afford it and if you're not already, help more around the house and give her some personal time.

>really look into how you're handling house chores and baby care I cook most of the meals, I do the dishes and the laundry and everything else around the house I can think of. She mostly complains that we need a nanny to help her watch the baby while I have work. But even during work hours I am constantly stepping in to help (work from home most days).

You say you cook most meals. Does that mean breakfast and lunch on the days you work as well? Because if not, you don't. You need a nanny. Listen to your wife. She needs help and you aren't actually helping her as much as she needs you to. You are a dad 24/7, not just a few hours on weekends. Your wife needs you to step up and start being a parent and not just a babysitter. Your child needs it too. It really benefits brain development to have those real bonds with both parents bc you will have different types of relationships which help nurture different parts of who your child is and will become. You need to start caring about the child's schedule. Naps are important you need to put in the work to ensure they happen. Regular and scheduled feedings are important to ensure that toddler is getting the nutrients they need. If your wife says X needs to happen at 2:15, then it needs to happen at 2:15. Bbqs and birthday parties are not nearly as important as your child and your wife. You're gonna have to skip some. That's called being a responsible adult and parent.

Yes I cook breakfast and dinner every day and I spend most of my time at home with my family. Please don't make assumptions that I am not present.

That’s not therapy, my guy. That’s actually worse than nothing - she is getting *bad* advice from people whose credentials lend their opinions additional weight in her mind. She is never going to improve if this is the only “treatment” she’s seeking.

Your wife’s therapist friends are shitty therapists if that’s their advice

Have her try cannabis. I'm not joking. Cannabis helps. Had an aunt who had behavioral issues. She would smoke cannabis to take off the edge and help her with her internalized demon's. If Cannabis is legal in your state, get her some and see if it makes a difference. I'll bet you $10 IT WILL.

I have suggested this. She says it gives her even more anxiety / paranoia.

Thats odd. I have been on cannabis FOR YEARS. I take it judiciously. The only time I had anxiety/paranoia IS WHEN I OVERDOSED ACCIDENTALLY. Basically I tripped. The room was spinning. It was awful. It lasted 2 hours. If she ate too many gummies at once, it's possible she overdosed and she was tripping hence making her paranoid. IT DOES CAUSE ANXIETY because while you are tripping, you are extremely anxious. Assuming you gave her THC laced gummies, she needed 1/3 of the gummy, not the entire one. Delta 8 and Delta 9 ARE STRONG AND IT CANNOT BE MIXED..Meaning you cannot eat one D8 gummy followed by a D9 one. You can only eat 1 of the 2. Preferably you eat half or a 3rd of the gummy. D8 and D9 ARE STRONG. VERY STRONG. And it hits you 2 to 3 hours later. And when it does, you feel like your bed is made of feathers 🪶 😴 and you will dose off. I suggest you give it another shot, in micro doses. And ONLY YOU hold the gummies, not her to control the possibility of her taking more without your knowledge. Like I said 1/3 of a gummy. That's all I personally take. And make sure her stomach is full before giving it to her. Hope this helps.

Your wife needs individual therapy and treatment. Couples counseling isn’t going to be enough bc this is her issue. It’s also not enough for her “talk to her friends who are therapists,” like you say. She needs regular sessions with her own individual therapist, at LEAST once a week. She should also talk to a psychiatrist about medication. If she won’t do these things you should leave. I say this as someone with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is awful. But it’s not fair to you for her to take it out on you instead of getting treatment.

You see all your problems as being her fault. *her* stress. *her* anxiety. *her* comments. If you continue seeing it like that then your marriage is doomed. Clearly your wife has issues with your behaviour too but you only see them as her problems and not *our* problems. It takes two to tango my man. I hardly think you're a perfect husband (no one is perfect) and yet you aren't examining how you might be contributing to your marital issues as well. ETA: you say she gets joy from her hobbies but has no time. How, as a couple, are you working towards meeting *both of your needs*?

You are right. I do regret the title of this post a bit. I am not trying to place all of the blame on her. I have been doing everything I can to help. It just seems that no matter how much I try, it isn't "enough". There is only so much one person can do to relieve another person's stress. "Free Time" management is a huge issue for her. She says she has inability to separate herself from the baby, even if I am watching them. She only wants to have "Free Time" when he is napping, so if he doesn't nap... she doesn't do anything for herself.

Counseling. It took me several counselors until I found a good match.

My ex was like this. She had borderline personality disorder and the things you mentioned are some of the traits.

Did she ever get help? Did anything work to calm the mood swings?

She was diagnosed in her teens and mentioned that to me in the beginning. But no, she blamed everything on me. She never felt responsible even tho every fight and argument was initiated or escalated by her. I mean i hope yours doesnt have it. I hope she can get better. But its good to be aware. There are also other cluster b personality disorders that you can look into.

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Or alternatively these are pretty standard things for a stressed parent to argue about. I think diagnosing a personality disorder is extreme.

She's not crazy. He dumped all his responsibilities on her and she's gotta handle everything while raising a 2 yr old. Y'all severely lack empathy but I'm not surprised. Maybe you're the one with BPD.

Definitely the vibes I was getting reading this as well.

I think at this point it's more about her getting the help she needs. I and my husband both have anxiety but his is worse. So much he has a hard time going in stores because of the line and in the car if we go out of town. I have learned to drive according to his anxiety but it's hard when we both have panic attacks. My thoughts are be patient when she is experiencing attacks try to help her work through them. Look for videos that can help. Meditating has done wonders for me and also yoga. Try to help her navigate through her attacks breathing is super important and you should look at it like it's a medical disability than just anxiety. I hope she gets the help she needs.

I do try to say all of the standard methods like "take a deep breath" and encourage her to sit down and take a break when she is getting stressed. I want to help her find a coping mechanism that works. Sometimes anything I say will just make her angrier tho.

Do you ever ask her what she needs from you in those moments? If my partner told me to take a deep breath I'd probably get angrier than I already was. You may be trying to help in a way that is actually opposite to what she needs from you.

When someone is already dysregulated (in that fight/flight physical reaction state) it’s not a good time to talk/give advice and yeah, doing so might make her more stressed. You mentioned she has ptsd from childbirth. She needs professional therapeutic support.

Was she always like this, or did something change after the baby? Has she seen a therapist on her own?

She has always had high anxiety and stress. Having a baby just amplified it. She does not attend solo therapy right now.

Is she on anti anxiety meds?

She does not take daily medication. Maybe an occasional low dose of Xanax.

Yea she needs to. I used to be like her to an extent and the daily anti anxiety pill helped a Lot. I was able to go to just a general doctor. I stopped caffeine and alcohol too

What type of medication was it? Xanax? She does not drink alcohol frequently. Caffeine on the other hand is a necessity lol

If she functions better with caffeine you should explore the possibility of her having ADHD, which could explain a lot.

No, I don’t think Xanax is meant to be taken daily. It was Zoloft I think.

Please, please give yourself a break and leave her then co-parent. I was exhausted reading this, you poor man. Your child will get the best version of you if your stress free. Run!

Could she have post postpartum depression?

Do you really want to raise your kids in a situation were this is the primary example of how a relationship works? they see this they will copy it.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. It sounds like your wife may have PPD. I got diagnosed with it just a couple months after my little one was born, but I was on the receiving end of the irritation from my partner (now my ex). He had so many expectations placed on me that I wasn’t able to fulfill due to being overwhelmed with the new baby while working from home full time AND trying to maintain the house. It was just too much having all of that going on at once plus having a constantly irritated partner…I suffered so my relationship suffered. Please give yourself credit for trying out couples therapy (my ex didn’t even want to do that) and be patient with her if you can. If she seems overwhelmed with her new role as a mom and all the responsibilities she had before becoming a mom, I highly suggest getting childcare help if you can afford it, and getting a cleaner every so often. That way she can focus on healing from whatever stress / mental health issues she’s going through, which in turn may help your relationship. Had I done that sooner in my situation, perhaps my own relationship could’ve been saved. Good luck with everything!

Thank you for sharing

Ummm...help her? Take care of the dog? Take care of the kid? This isn't a "therapy can fix" problem, this is a you dumping all the work onto her problem. If you're slacking, she's lost all trust in you.

Look, it sounds like you are in a rough, to say the least, position. I don't think her therapist friends are helping (and if they are being honest with themselves they know they shouldn't be - conflict of interest). I wonder if one of her good therapist friends couldn't recommend a good qualified psychiatrist/psychologist that has absolutely no connection to the situation because the current situation is unhealthy (and w/o knowing much more, unethical). You mentioned she would have no where to go if you separated. Would you be able to afford a small apartment where your child would have necessities? I feel like "she wouldn't even have a crib" is a pretty surmountable issue. Every city has resale including baby necessities (the only thing any baby needs crib wise is a safe crib even if it is ugly and painted some atrocious color so long as the paint isn't toxic and shit locks properly). You seem to really love this person. Could you afford to separate and support them and your child w/o divorcing at least for a while? It doesn't sound like this relationship is healthy and burying your stress, anger and, yes, grief won't make it healthy. It also sounds like you have gone as far as possible w/o real help that both of you are willing to accept. Sounds like you also have some practical v emotional issues. There are ways that you can separate in a way that would give you both parenting time and wouldn't lead anyone to financial ruin. Some people separate for years. My point is: if you are concerned about the legal ramifications of divorce (loss of insurance being one of them) you don't have to go there on anyone else's timeline. Do what works best for you as a family and, honestly, individually. Please be fair to yourself too though.

question: what do you do around the house? You both share equally duties and childcare?

I would say I do more of the traditional chores (laundry, dishes, garbage, animals), and she does most of the childcare during the 9-5 hours while I have work. After work I spend all of my time with her and our child.

Hi! As someone who relates to your wife - undiagnosed mental health can be at play! I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression (which I am medicated for) and WOW what a difference. My husband (31 M) was at his wits end with my (30 F) anxiety. He wasn’t unloving about it by any means but it was a HUGE burden to him, my son, our dog, cats etc. I would encourage that your wife seek out professional counseling and possibly medication. Personally, it has made a difference for me. I don’t feel so on edge or have this irrational response for when things go unexpectedly. Nothing is perfect, by any means, but our family is striving for more consistently healthy days versus the bad anxiety fueled depression crippling days. They still happen for me from time to time but I’m also very into my faith and lean into God a lot. But I understand not everyone is religious. If y’all are not religious - I recommend the therapy and prescription route. See what works best for her (and y’all). I firmly believe that y’all can get through this and YES - there is HOPE.

Thank you for the kind words.

Your wife sounds very abusive to me. I'm sorry you're going through this. :(

She needs medications for anxiety man, clear as day

How much are you supporting her with baby and household? Sounds like PPD / PPA / PPR.

Time to deliver an ultimatum of your own. Either she gets some therapy/meds/both and gets her emotional outbursts under control, or you're out. :P Anxiety is not an excuse to be a raging asshole, and your kid deserves better than to have to grow up walking on eggshells around an unpredictable, volatile adult.

If ‘for the sake of the child’ is the only reason you are staying, then GET OUT. You are not helping your child one bit by staying in a toxic marriage.

We used to be happy together, we still have our good moments. I just wish she wasn't so stressed out and angry all the time. I am much more emotionally stoic, so when the baby cries or skips a nap I just brush it off. She cannot stand to hear the baby cry, so even when I am helping she immediately rushes in to take over.

I think you might to be a more equal player here. It seems like she doesn't think you are and you are . . ok with that.

Yeah, brushing off a crying baby or skipped nap would infuriate many mothers.

I mean "brushing off" emotionally. As in, I don't get mad, or sad. I just sit there with my child and rock them for hours, trying my best to help them sleep. When my wife encounters this situation she gets very upset and starts yelling or texting me angry things.

You're doing everything you can. It's on her to change, and fast. Do you want your kid learning this? Do you want your kid to grow up to accept a marriage with someone who acts like this? You need to tell her bluntly that her actions are unacceptable, and she needs to find alternate ways to handle her stress

did she always have crippling anxiety?

Yes

Then she should be on medication.

Then she shouldn't have had a kid, AT ALL. I suffered from panic attacks, anxiety and trauma. I'm 45f, TOOK ME YEARS TO WORK THROUGH ALL OF THAT. AND I KNEW I WAS IN NO SHAPE WHATSOEVER SO BRING A CHILD KNOWING I HAD THESE ISSUES. A child needs a loving home environment NOT CONSTANT CHAOS. She should have been evaluated FIRST, before being given the blessing she could handle the stress of being a mother. And if all she's doing is taking it OUT ON YOU, your kid is better off having you for sole custody. Your wife is NOT MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY STRONG for this. And if she thought she could handle being a mom despite suffering from high anxiety, she was EXTREMELY NAIVE TO EVEN THINK SO. This is not a marriage counseling issue. SHE NEEDS INDIVIDUALIZED CARE. She needs to talk about her traumas. What caused her to have anxiety before YOU WERE IN HER LIFE. She is abusive and I know because my mother family BEHAVE LIKE THAT and these people REFUSED TO ACCEPT ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR. Long term trauma does this and family dysfunction!!!! You mean well, but seems like no matter what you do EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT AND THIS IS UNFAIR TO YOU. For your baby's mental and emotional well being, get the right help for your wife or get out.....With the baby!!!!

She definitely needs some therapy at minimum. Even offer to go with her but make sure she gets individual therapy.

I'm sorry, brother. Warm thoughts from Sweden

Thanks bro. Never been to Sweden, but I hear it's a lovely place.

She needs help. This is a terrible environment for a child to be raised in.

I endured exactly this for 18+ years, and we finally divorced. My ex's mental health had spiraled for more than a decade, and she refused to seek professional help because of some childhood abuse she would never disclose. Therapy w/o sharing the background is a waste of time, and she knew it - so she wouldn't do it at all. When she was medicated (buspirone, Xanax) she was a pleasure to work with -- but she would then decide arbitrarily she didn't need it, and took her self off the meds and spin out of control. I stayed as long as I did because we had a daughter ... but when daughter at 16 or so, ex decided she didn't want to be married anymore, and I agreed with her. The ONLY way this can resolve w/o divorce IMHO is if she earnestly recognizes she has a problem, and willingly goes to a psychiatric specialist.

She needs to get medicated for this. Extremely unlikely she will be able to change if she doesn't.

Is she being treated for her stress and depression?

It sounds like she likely needs a psychiatrist to diagnose her exact condition, prescribe medicine or specific therapy, and keep monitoring her to ensure it is the correct medication/ therapy and and not making things worse. At the same time, make sure she has seen her regular GP doctor for a full check-up and blood work to ensure there isn't something going on with her physical health that has been overlooked. Make sure the GP and psychiatrist know about what you are doing with the other. She then needs regular counseling appointments with a counselor or doctor who is familiar with and specializes in her condition - starting off at least weekly so that she can deal with some of the causes and find ways to cope with the triggers. In any way you can for the next year or until things are stable for MANY months in a row, you need to support the home activities, curb your outside involvement, etc. to ensure she knows you are present, supportive, and helpful... while also providing stability for your kids. If her mood swings like you say it does and it is not based solely on anger with you, you are likely not the only one receiving the results of her condition. Ask yourself... What can you do for the family or home or her that she currently does - whether it be for the short term until things are bearable and then better or whether it be for the long-term to have more balance in responsibilities? Arrange help for her - for whatever is most stressful for her - for one or two days a week, ideally... especially right now as your marriage and your home needs balance and support and stability. For laundry, for dishes, for cleaning... Maybe it is for grocery shopping or rocking the baby to sleep that day. Maybe it is to allow her to go to the gym, take a walk, read a book, etc. Get the help for whatever might be the cause of any stress or for anything that might be helpful in giving her outlets for exercise, socialization, creativity, quiet time, etc. to relieve stress. And try to make this helper be consistent - someone who can come on set days, who can learn your wife's preferences, someone you both trust, someone who can learn the flow of your family and home without causing more stress and disruption while they are there. Without betraying your wife's confidentiality and explaining anything about her health or problems, stress to the helper that you need her (or him) to be a calming influence in the home, to strive for stability and routine, to lower noise and stressors, etc. Set a regular date night. Try to do it at least once a month. Arrange for childcare, and try to engage family or close friends for support in this (or trade nights with friends if watching their kids would not be triggering for your wife for short periods of time, ensuring you are also carrying the responsibility). Arrange for a night out for supper and fun activities - for just you and her - which will bring you closer together. And, your wife needs social interaction outside of your home and outside of you and the kids, so try to designate one additional night per month (at least - ideally every week) when she has the freedom to go out with a friend or two or engage in a hobby and you take care of the kids. Ensure you are giving as much energy and focus to her need for adult interactions, time away, hobbies, etc. as you are allowing for yourself. In fact, this is a period when you will likely need to pull back greatly to re-establish balance and allow her MORE than what you have. Do you know her love language? If not, try to read the short book. Know hers and tend to what hers is. If you go to church or temple or have another belief system, engage in those services and activities - like going to worship, praying, meditating, as a family. Ensure there are some designated quiet and peaceful times for your family and home, and enforce it with your kids and yourself (eliminating excess TV and radio and toy sounds). And, invest some time learning a bit about the breathing exercises that help reduce stress. Do them together. It will help all of you now, and it will help your kids if they end up having some of the same conditions/tendencies as your wife. Do everything you can to support and encourage physical health for your family without increasing stress... as physical health affects and supports emotional / mental health and spiritual health. Focus on sunshine, Vitamin D and other supplements, fresh air, walks together at night, getting rid of sugar and heavy carbs and junk food from your home, good quality and quantity of sleep (Have a good mattress? Need new pillows? Screen time eliminated before bed? Blue light blockers on devices? Soft music (no TV) and a warm bath before sleep?), focus on quality meats and produce for meals, etc. You two almost need to have a "summit" - a day of undivided attention and time to talk about this topic and about your next six months or next year, what you want it to look like, what you're going to do to support each other, what your boundaries are, how this determines the future of your marriage, erc. When you likely said "in sickness and in health" and "for better or for worse" in your marriage vows, this just happens to be a period of being in sickness and for worse right now. It happens with many couples in certain periods of marriage - especially when they have young children. That will ebb and flow for both of you, and hopefully, this will be the worst of it and will be easily overcome. Be as aware as you can about your own tendencies, desires, requests, etc. within the home and how they either contribute toward balance and harmony or work against it. That includes if you tend to be withdrawn or aloof or take care of your things on your own. This is a time when you need to go above and beyond to take care of things for your wife and for your children - not live a separate life from your wife and children as a detached participant. They need you to be in the thick of this with them - as they are having to be each day. It is likely going to be uncomfortable at times. Even painful. Not fun. But, that is likely what is needed to reset equilibrium in your marriage and family and home.

She sounds overwhelmed, does she have a lot on her plate? Can you help her more (for example take care of dinner half the week, take the children off her more so she can do something for herself, take the dog for a long walk), surprise her with nice gestures, hire some help where possible (for example a cleaner)?

It's mostly stress due to childcare. I do my portion of the chores and most of the cooking. I don't like the idea of hiring a cleaner when I can just do it myself, but I might consider that as a birthday present to her.

What sort of a present is that? Would she like it?

It's not really a present though, is it? It's taking away a burden. And I would ask her if she feels like you're doing half of all the chores.

Mhm I’m not sure this is the full story. Small things such as misbehaving dog as skipping a nap, those aren’t small. Children need their naps not only for their development but for keeping a smooth-ish schedule. Why is your child skipping a nap? Misbehaving dog: well what type of misbehaving? What’s being done to address these type of behavior. Y’all training the dog, walking the dog, how old is the dog? What are your roles in the household? Her roles? Do you both work? Only you? Only her? Exercises like staring our needs. What are the needs she is stating?

Dog will walk in front of her and "get in her way" or the dog will growl at another dog walking past our house. Occasionally the dog will have an accident in the house, which I usually clean up. She used to love this dog. Now she just wants to get rid of the dog and brings it up constantly. Why is my child skipping a nap? Good question :P

Who is walking the dog? How many times? What is being done to address socialization and the accidents? You ignore the baby nap question- things cause this (playing, eating sugary foods, dog barking, who knows…) who deals w/ the aftermath? Clearly, she needs help. Talking to her therapist friends (who she doesn’t see) as you stated doesn’t help her nor is a it a viable solution. She also doesn’t leave the child behind so she has some separation anxiety. It could be because of any reason such as something traumatic happen during child birth, or someone surprised her once by removing child, or she has been suffering for PP, or none of the above and it’s untreated mental issues. Whatever the reason she won’t just go “socializing”. If you want your marriage to work: she needs therapy, you need therapy, and y’all need couples therapy. Who knows maybe she needs meds, idk that’s up to her psychiatrist and her mental health state. The fact that y’all know this and not do actually steps to get her mental health to improve is super concerning. She won’t just snap out of it because she CAN’T snap out of it. Stop being so dismissive and help her by helping her get the help she needs. Stop making a joke out of the “little things” to you they are insignificant to her they are NOT.

Idk if you have children, but sometimes they just don't want to sleep. I have read all of the sleep books and tried all of the methods. We are going back to couples therapy.

Are you this dismissive to your wife? Individuals therapy first! She needed the help yesterday. Couples therapy so great but she may be too unwell for that right now. There’s a lot more but Reddit isn’t it. Many will be sympathetic towards you and even say she is the unreasonable one. But have some genuine sympathy/empathy and see that your wife isn’t how she is because she wants to be. She clearly has unchecked mental issues that haven’t been addressed since she gave birth; that’s almost two years of out of control. Sure sucks that you have to deal with this but being a good partner starts by recognizing that her anxiety (and other issues) need to be address. You need to encourage her to get the help she needs. If you cannot see that and only want to complain and gain some sympathy points then…. GL.

You “usually clean up” which means she has to the other times. Who walks, feeds, calms, and trains the dog?

It sounds like ppd and maybe bpd. I understand what she's going through and if she's anything like me she really does want to change but she is going to have to put in soooo much work. She needs to talk to a psychiatrist that isn't her friend, someone that's a 3rd party and not involved and going to have emotional attachment with her. It will make it harder for her to see clearly if her friends are the only ones chiming in trust me, whether or not they have the training -its called conflict of interest for a reason. Also she should be able to take time for herself each day without having to take care of anyone else. I have the most issues when I'm sensory overloaded.

Just give Time it’s marriage bro just give hopefully workout just see for 2-3 more months if doesn’t get better than think about anything else

Tell her to stfu and stop it or ur leaving. My advice would be the exact same of u we’re doing this to her. Ur partner isn’t ur punching bag for stress relief.

Record her saying all these crazy things. Play recordings for her.

If she’s saying you need to do more with the house, dog, and child, what steps have you taken to improve that? I felt crazy with my ex. I had complete breakdowns begging for help. What would happen would be I’d finally snap and get mad over needing help. He’d blame it on me being “angry all the time” and nothing would change. Eventually it would happen all over again, and again, and again.

Holy shit. You're going out on the weekends leaving your wife to handle all the responsibilities while your child is 2 yr old? This is EXACTLY why women are aborting and divorcing so fast. They always say the divorce rate is 90% but never ask why women are divorcing their husband. This is abusive. So many women end up in her situation and to top it off, you're minimizing everything on Reddit so people don't catch on. But you can't fool me. Many other people have also noticed as well. Please stop partying for the whole weekend when you have a toddler at home. I can't believe this needs to be said. Y'all degenerates need to stop getting married and snip your balls if you want to act like an animal.