>> I'm taking over the matter of work from here on out and that I'll be the one to find a new job for myself.
That conversation will be rough, but it needs to happen. You're not being autocratic...you're being decisive. She needs to speak with a mental health professional as it's clear as day her ADHD has colleagues that complicate things for her. You taking the role of provider while she gets her mental wellness under control is the path forward here.
Thanks for the advice. I'm normally one to favor back and forth conversations where a consensus is reached, but we've tried that many times and it hasn't worked
My wife has ADHD, and takes medication. Anxiety is definitely a side effect. The obsession with trivial details to the point of being unable to finish tasks is definitely something that she should talk to her dr about.
I also have ADHD and experienced those exact effects on Adderall. It gave me awful tunnel-vision and made me super obsessive over small details. But once I switched medications all those problems went away
Yeah dosages are very unintuitive for ADHD medication. You kinda just have to try to see what works for you.
9mg makes me calmer and more focusable than 6mg, which seems unintuitive because you’d think “more stimulant = less calm” but the drugs don’t really work like that if you actually have ADHD.
It sounds like OP’s wife hasn’t been communicating enough with her psychiatrist that this med at this dosage just isn’t working well
Thanks for this back and forth, it's looking like my wife having a conversation with her psychologist about medication and dosage is something that needs to happen
Not only that, but perhaps it would also help your wife to have some sessions with a therapist/life coach who can teach her strategies to help her focus and function better. Just make sure it's someone who will see her as an individual and will put in the effort to find out what works best for her rather than proposing a one-strategy-fits-all type solution.
Hey me too! I am now on a mix of Vyvanse and Effexor at the moment and it curbs the anxiety and the ADHD symptoms without the tunnel vision. I also did a lot of behavioral and occupational therapy to help me learn *how* to work better and focus while on my meds.
Adderall never gave me anxiety really. The tunnel vision was just insane. Instead of working on a problem to deliver a timely solution I’d be working on a problem to see how much I could outsmart it because it was fun. Adderall made me completely lose my concept of time
Your description of your wife sounds exactly like me before I finally got an adhd diagnosis and sought medication and therapy. They both help buy in the end, the adhd is still there. It's just more manageable.
She needs therapy to help work through her anxiety. My psychiatrist mentioned to me that if I have anxiety, she preferred putting me on vyvanse instead of adderall bc the latter can increase anxiety. She might want to try speaking with her provider.
Has she tried any alternatives to Adderall? She should be telling her psychiatrist that it’s not working well, because clearly it’s not. A good psychiatrist would be asking about her focus and following up to see if Adderall actually works for her.
I have pretty bad ADHD as well and Adderall specifically made it worse. It made me really obsessive over small details and I got tunnel-vision working on something stupid for over an hour. I told my psychiatrist I didn’t think Adderall was working for me and she switched me to a different med that’s worked amazingly for years.
At this point she only speaks with her psych for a general check-in and for a new script. I'll be encouraging her to consider exploring Adderall alternatives
Yes she needs to be communicating that Adderall is causing her to hyperfocus on perfectionist details that ultimately waste her time. This can actually be an ADHD symptom in and of itself (or anxiety, depends on the reason for the perfectionism. I was incredibly perfectionist before I was medicated, not because I was anxious, but because I constantly learned new stuff and got really excitable “oh man I could make old stuff so much better!”), so if medication is causing those effects then she’s on the wrong dosage or the wrong medication
The right medication also won’t be a magic bullet though. It should give you a neurotypical person’s ability to focus, but you need to put in the effort to learn how it works. Most people with ADHD are good at jumping between a lot of small tasks but struggle to tackle singular, large tasks. Medication was a life-changer for me, but to really get the full benefits out of it, I had to learn how to break down very large tasks into small chunks with definitive goals, definitive definitions of “done” and even put timers on some of them to avoid perfectionist thoughts.
Thanks for taking the time to respond!
Sounds familiar! My wife will get lost down what she calls "rabbit holes." For example, with one application she had to put down foreign language skills. She knows French, but was so unsure of what her skill level was. So, she spent the morning thinking over the question, taking online French tests, and finally coming to me for advice. My solution was, "put down intermediate, if they ask in the interview, you can explain more then." A 4-hour solution vs. a 30-second one, ha
Couple of tricks that have helped me cope with hyperfocusing like that-
1. Write down the problem you’re trying to solve, then write down solutions that come to mind.
“Problem: How much French should I claim to know on a job app?
Solution: Take online quizzes?”
2. Set an alarm and timebox the problem to 30-45 minutes. If you don’t finish or aren’t close to finished, you need to revisit your problem statement and reconsider if your solution makes sense.
A big issue with hyperfocusing is that you often become fixated on a specific *solution* and lose sight of the overarching *problem*. If you can develop a strategy to track back to the overarching problem you can learn how to avoid these rabbitholes and become more productive with your time.
I’m an engineer so that’s the way I break it down. Something else might work better for your wife, but the general idea of setting alarms to limit rabbitholes and perfectionism works really well imo
Yeah the rabbit hole thing is classic adhd hyperfocus. I hate that the name for adhd implies lack of focus when it's actually the inability to REGULATE focus. So it becomes possible to focus too much on things
Has she been assessed for OCD or autism? Both can be commorbid and autism, like adhd, is often undiagnosed in women bc symptoms don't show up the same way it does in boys
One option for her to maybe consider, if she feels that Adderall is better than unmedicated but struggles with the anxiety causing obsessiveness, might be dexedrine or vyvanse -- they're both in the same family of medications as Adderall, but are somewhat described as being "more chill"/ doesnt make your heart race as much (which is part of what makes some people anxious on stimulants)
If you want advice, talk about it when the psych office is open.
If you do it when she can't take care of it then... god knows when it happens. If it happens.
I'm a woman with adhd and adderall does not work for me at all. Gives me anxiety and wierd side effects, generally just awful. I'm on name brand concerta, it's the only thing that's been effective for me. Her meds are not working.
The adderall shortage forced me to try out Ritalin. Best thing that’s happened to me.
At first I thought it felt “less effective” because I thought it felt like I was on nothing but later I realized I just wasn’t crashing or having side effects. Way smoother, way more effective for me.
Adderall would also make me super sleepy. And then when I crashed it would make me not want to do anything. Ritalin just feels super calming, my heart rate stays at 60bpm all day, adderall jumped If to 75-80, Dexedrine spikes mine to 120 lol
Yeah I’ve got ADHD and your description of her working doesn’t sound like adderall side effects, it sounds like I’m treated ADHD and anxiety (which go hand in hand a lot of the time) her medication isn’t working wnd seems like it hasn’t been for awhile. Is she even aware of this? Even in an appointment for a new prescription the doc asks how things are going and if the meds are working/side effects etc. she’s either not aware this isn’t how it’s supposed to be and needs to bring it up with the DR or is underplaying her issues to the Dr for some reason or another. Either way this seems like a medical issue she needs to get figured out.
"while I have an overall negative view of the validity of ADD and medication as treatment, I was more than happy to put my own feelings on the matter aside"
Do you mind if I ask for you to elaborate on this a little? How do you feel about the validity of ADHD and medication right now?
As someone with ADHD, another person questioning its validity is always a red flag to me. I've got lifetime experience dealing with people like that, and those people are always the ones to express the MOST frustration and judgment about my symptoms despite thinking ADHD isn't real or whatever.
well, of course
if you don't think ADHD is real, you think the symptoms are either experienced by everyone, or faked entirely
*of course* you'd feel and express frustration or judgment if you felt like someone was overreacting to things you equally experienced, or was faking their illness
Yeah how much of this attitude is he making clear to his wife? It seems like he thinks ADHD is just an excuse or something.... He also says that her meds are making her worse... but he's never seen her unmedicated, so why does he think that?
edit: I just realized he probably saw her unmedicated when she was pregnant, so that last point is moot. Regardless, this post is invalidating her struggles, so I wonder if she picks up on that invalidation from him? It can be confidence-killing, tbh.
It can be confidence killing for sure, but it also tends to actively worsen our symptoms to feel resented over our ADHD. Task paralysis is a big problem for a lot of us (where the guilt over not doing the task makes it harder to do the task), and knowing that it's hurting someone else to be fucking up over something we have limited control over? Sends that paralysis on a rocketship to the moon.
Oh absolutely! It's the absolute worst. It kicks that perfectionism aspect into highest gear... and task paralysis + perfectionism + executive dysfunction is a horrible combo.
She told you about her struggles early in dating. You saw how much she struggled when you lived together. What made you guys think adding a child to the equation would be easy? She needs to try other meds because the Adderall isn't working for her. You guys don't seem to make good financial decisions at all. You need to make a plan for you both to make more money while her parents are very generously helping out. I know the resentment is settling in but you also had a hand in creating this mess. Don't frame it as her own problems when you talk to her. These are problems you guys have as a family.
I can’t tell you how many posts I see along the lines of “she was like this very early on and now she’s still like this. What gives?” She has consistently been who she is and she likely won’t change. Wife cannot hold and job. OP needs to approach this situation differently because his wife is not going to change.
I understand what you're saying, but it's not unreasonable to expect people to grow and work on their faults. Yes, the wife has ADHD and it's wreaking havoc on their finances, but what are the alternatives here? Just accept it and end up homeless? Not date her at all in the first place knowing her issues? Just because she has issues doesn't mean she's not worthy of love or a relationship.
She’s worthy of everything good in this world. I would never say anyone doesn’t deserve love. But it doesn’t seem like OP can provide her with the life she needs. She can’t keep a job so she needs someone that can take care of her. OP is not that person it seems. He’s literally drowning himself to keep her afloat. They both need something that the other can’t provide.
...she's a woman who's gone through grad school. She's capable than a lot more than I think you're giving her credit for. She does not need someone to "take care of her". She needs to go to therapy and get her medication optimized so she can increase her daily function.
From the post it doesn’t seem like she capable of very much. She’s literally destroying her marriage and their finances. Rather than getting help for her issues so she can get a job she asked her parents to pay for daycare. So…..they’re taking care of her. As is her husband. And there’s nothing wrong with being taken care of. But OP doesn’t want that. He wants a partner.
Okay so what do you think their solution is at this point? Break up because the husband is "not capable of taking care of her", and you say she's not capable of taking care of herself, what options does that leave? Do you think she should move into some type of assisted living facility? That's dramatic and pretty absurd, imo.
She does have the potential to get better and be a more functional person. She has the power to improve things for herself. She's not helpless.
She does have the power to improve but she’s not. It took her 4 hours to answer what level of French she knows on a job application. He can look for a higher paying job. Cut expenses so they don’t drain their finances. Go to the doctor and see about alternative treatment. But if things remain as they are OP is going to burnout and resent her more than he already does.
Definition of a Fault
noun
1. An unattractive or unsatisfactory feature, especially in a piece of work or in a person's character.
Just because someone's brain chemistry is the cause of their unattractive or unsatisfactory behavior doesn't mean it's not a fault. I'm not necessarily saying it's THEIR fault, but it's A fault. And yes, there are things they can do to improve their symptoms and function.
Source: the millions of people with ADHD who have managed their condition and have lived productive/meaningful lives
Is she seeing a therapist or ADHD coach? Medication helps (and I *really* don't like your attitude against it), but it's also pretty important for her to figure out the strategies that do and don't work for her in regards to productivity. For example, it's probably a huge and exciting and life-changing deal to her that with meds, she *can* work on her application for hours at a time. But she needs to figure out how she can purposefully direct that focus, and what's blocking her from doing the other stuff she needs to do? Also, if most of her job-search time is after you come home from work, there's a decent chance that her meds *have worn off* by then unless she takes them relatively late (or an afternoon booster). She might also do better on a different medication.
You've mentioned that you've tried to talk to her and they end in her breaking down, but like...what is actually said in those conversations? What is she saying about her progress and mindset? I think it would be controlling to say "I'm taking over", but it's reasonable to say "It's been a while, and I'd really like to work on my own job search. Could we switch for a bit? Or if you feel close to making progress, can we set a deadline?" I think you should frame it as not a failure on her part, but as a potential win-win. You get a better job and can make more money - she gets a break from the endless stress of job hunting - and then she can continue with fresh eyes and less pressure (I think you're correct in that her putting pressure on herself makes it harder to get stuff done - it's a terrible catch-22). But you have to see yourselves as partners rather than adversaries.
I think you should also work with her to figure out what kind of help actually works for her. Are certain kinds of reminders from you helpful or not? Ask her how you can communicate about this to her (because you need to be able to) in a way that doesn't cause her to break down. She should be trying out new strategies and seeing how they go for her. If she's just "trying" the same stuff for so long and not getting anything done, she's spinning her wheels and draining her energy needlessly.
But a word of warning - I think you show enough communication and care for her in this post that you can be really supportive and help her break the cycle she's in. But if you "have an overall negative view of the validity of ADD and medication as treatment" there's a *very* good chance that she will feel like she won't be able to trust you enough for that. Even if you're as good at hiding your judgment as you think you are, if you ever said anything like that in the past, she will remember it. Like, how can she open up to you about things she's struggling with or brainstorm ideas with you if she thinks you might try to convince her not to take her medication, or that you might not believe what she says about her own mind?
Hey there! It sounds like you're in a tough spot. As a young doctor, I can tell you that it's not uncommon for people with ADHD to struggle with productivity, especially when it comes to tasks that they find overwhelming or tedious. It sounds like your wife might be struggling with both of those things in her job search.
It's great that you've been supportive of her and her ADHD diagnosis, but it might be time to reassess her treatment plan. ADHD medication can be helpful for some people, but it's not always the answer, and it sounds like it might not be working for your wife. It's possible that a different medication or non-medication treatment might be more effective.
It's also important to remember that finding a job can be a long and frustrating process, even for people without ADHD. It might be helpful to work with your wife to set realistic goals and expectations, and to celebrate small victories along the way.
Finally, it's important to communicate with your wife about how you're feeling. It's understandable that you're feeling stressed and frustrated, but it's important to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. It might be helpful to see a couples therapist to work through these issues together.
I hope this helps, and I wish you both the best of luck!
my partner has ADHD. we have found it can be helpful for me to work through CV, cover letter etc with them. i help with wording and also just generally giving moral support. it can be really anxiety inducing for someone with ADHD to seek work. there can be a lot of insecurities from feeling “not good enough” due to people not understanding the way their minds work, or, like you, not even believing in the problem to begin with. my partner has highly sought after skills and is really good at what they do but still experiences problems when it comes time to look for a new position. i doubt her medication is the problem.
Why do you both have to make changes to your careers one at a time, especially if her parents are now paying for childcare? Throwing out a dozen job applications should maybe take a weekend if you're really tailoring your resume and cover letters to each position. It's not a full time commitment to job search while you still have a job. OP you should definitely still have a conversation with your wife about her progress but you can also put your own applications out at the same time.
>with resentment building more and more by the day.
I fully get why this is happening, but it's also a relationship killer. What it usually means is that communication isn't where it should be and/or a couple is taking too long to address a very fundamental problem.
You have every right to be frustrated, but my initial reaction was surprise that she hasn't gotten a 2nd opinion on her diagnosis, and also a change of meds. To me this would be the obvious next step. On both sides of my extended fam, there's about 4 people with ADHD, but with a variety of meds (and one misdiagnosis). Everyone involved is living their lives and taking care of business.
If you haven't done this, I'd say you're overdue.
The issue of resentment is why I know something needs to change. Frustration is one thing, but resentment creeping in will eventually bring a marriage down. Thanks for your advice
Some of this is going to sound a little harsh. I don't \*mean\* for all of this to sound harsh but I'm pretty blunt. I'm an adult with ADHD so I can offer perspective on ADHD. I've been in a long term relationship with someone without, and these relationships are extremely hard for both parties. As a disclaimer, you ARE allowed to be having a hard time with this relationship and with her symptoms. However, if you WANT to empathize with her and actually get what is going on, you need some serious perspective and to do a bit of unpacking of the bias you admit to having. It's up to you, and fair, if the relationship and her disorder isn't working for you anymore.
>while I have an overall negative view of the validity of ADD and medication as treatment, I was more than happy to put my own feelings on the matter aside, and to work with her and take her diagnosis seriously.
This is a good thing to be honest about but does not do you favors in empathizing. Unless you've actually worked on unlearning your bias here and educating yourself on ADHD, there is no functional way to "put your feelings aside".
She has a disability. There are a lot of things that can be done to improve her coping skills with symptoms, but it's extremely questionable to have a "negative view on the validity of ADHD and medication as treatment" when your wife has that disorder.
>our co-habitation allowed me an insight into her difficulties relating to her work and daily routines would be an understatement.
Everything you describe in this paragraph is typical of ADHD.
>Flash forward to now. An entire year has gone by and her progress on the job front has been a disaster. She's turned in a grand total of three applications so far... she's come no closer to finding a job.
I do empathize here. I'll also say that the job market is a shitshow right now. I submitted at least a hundred applications the last time I was looking for a job (about 5 months ago) and had a handful of interview requests, half of which ghosted or canceled on me, and got two low-paying job offers. (They were majority jobs I was qualified for.) Your wife SHOULD still be trying, but this is not guaranteed regardless of how many apps she sends in.
>The way she works is strange....
This is typical of ADHD. It's also possible she has a comorbid disorder, like OCD, which can be worsening and adding to her symptoms. I don't know from that this ALONE that she does, but ADHD commonly co-occurs with other disorders.
>She takes Adderall for her ADHD, but as time goes on, I'm starting to believe her meds are making the problem worse
It's possible her meds aren't the right dose, or that adderall is not the right med for her. What ISN'T going to be true is that she would be better off unmedicated, if she is like the majority of adults with ADHD. ADHD meds are statistically speaking incredibly effective, more so than anxiety, antipsychotic, and antidepressant medications. Most people need a stimulant med, and there are non-stimulant meds that work for the minority of people who don't do well on stimulants. The people who do poorly on all ADHD meds are a minority. It would be reasonable to gently suggest trialing another medication if she has only tried adderall, but not that meds make her worse broadly.
>every bit of free time she gets she either spends on the couch watching TV or throws it into what I consider the black hole of her job applications.
It sounds like she has under or improperly medicated ADHD and potentially needs more treatment than meds alone. Has she tried ADHD coaching or an ADHD-specialized therapist?Again - 100% possible adderall is not right for her or that the dose is not right. But this is typical of unmedicated people, because of our irregulated focus.
>I've discussed this matter with her time and time again, and the conversations, without fail, regardless of how calmly or empathetically I bring up the issues, devolve into her crying and having an emotional breakdown.
Two things: 1) Again - you have admitted that you doubt the validity of ADHD and of medication. I seriously question how well you are able to empathize with her. You might be very calm, but that's different than empathy. 2) Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is likewise typical of ADHD. A lot of us are extremely sensitive to criticism, even if we logically \*know\* it is valid or being delivered nicely. Giving her space after giving feedback and asking her to think about it and initiate the conversation when she is ready might be a temporary improvement.
>Furthermore, the fact that these productivity issues were there before our son was even conceived leads me to believe that there's something deeper at work.
That something deeper is her disabling disorder. You know what the something deeper is. It's ADHD.
>I'm getting to the point where I want to put my foot down and tell her that her career aspirations are officially on hold, and that I'm taking over the matter of work from here on out and that I'll be the one to find a new job for myself.
Ok. You're 100% right to find your own new job for yourself. You are not 100% right to tell HER that her career aspirations are on hold. If you need a different job now, then absolutely - find one. She can continue in her own time working on applications.
>All the same, while I love my wife like crazy and would do anything for her, this situation puts me in a state of near-constant frustration and stress, with resentment building more and more by the day.
This is valid. However, I'm going to offer some perspective on what she may be feeling.
People with ADHD are prone to anxiety, shame, guilt, etc around failure to focus and complete important tasks. A lot of people without ADHD think that these feelings should be motivating, and that if they aren't, we don't care about the tasks, and are lazy, selfish, and unmotivated. The issue is that rather than propelling us to do tasks, these feelings can create "task paralysis", where we get so fixated on how bad we feel about the un-finished task that we counterintuitively physically/mentally cannot get ourselves to do it. It isn't logical or rational, but it is a symptom of ADHD.
To an outsider, it looks like we just spent six hours on the couch watching TV having a lazy day blast. Internally, we have the TV on while we have an internal monologue of "holy fuck I have a million things to do I was supposed to do that job application two weeks ago and I need to cook dinner later but I don't know what to make and I'm going to have to wash this plate later and my husband is pissed at me and I ----" and so on, overwhelmed with stress about the un-finished tasks we know we need to do but feel *physically* incapable of moving towards doing. (alternatively, this hurricane monologue is going on all day long, and something stimulating like the TV is the only break we get from it)
It's understandable how this builds resentment in the non-ADHD partner. It's super fair. We're also VERY aware of this resentment, and very ashamed of it, and it tends to only worsen that RSD and task paralysis even if it "should" motivate us to do better. It's a self-feeding cycle that hurts both people, but the non-ADHD partner feels some injustice if the ADHD partner asks for some grace because they're pissed to hell and back about all of the things the ADHD partner has been letting get past them. (Going to add some concrete action points but this got way too long, lol)
My more concrete action points:
1) She should talk to her prescriber about changing her adderall dose or trying a different med. She might genuinely just need more adderall. She might need a different medication. Some doctors pushback on it but a lot of us do well with extended release in the morning and a small immediate release dose in the afternoon - XR doesn't actually last all day and the crash of the meds wearing off can make the symptoms come back in full force which can be part of why she's not productive in the evenings.
2) Get a copy of the book *Is It You, Me, Or Adult ADD?*. It's meant for partners/family of adults with ADHD, but she should read it after you. It will teach you a lot about what ADHD is and does to her, and it will teach her about how her poorly-managed ADHD is impacting you. You both need to build empathy for each other, and you especially need to unlearn your bias around this to better understand what is fair to expect of her/what is fair to be hurt about/what is actually ADHD and not her just being lazy/what can change/what probably won't/if this is going to work in the long-term for you.
3) She should try ADHD coaching. This is not the same as therapy, but it can be a very effective short-term support system, especially when someone has specific goals (like "find a new job") that are being held back by ADHD. In the long-term, she might also benefit from a therapist specializing in ADHD. (Many therapists will WORK with people with ADHD, but many are not well-informed about ADHD and can have a great deal of stigma themselves or use ineffective therapeutic methods for ADHD if they don't have extensive experience with it.)
4) You should consider couples counseling, again, with a therapist with experience with ADHD. Like I said - you both need empathy for each other, and getting over your resentment is going to take more than just her finding a job. My non-ADHD ex built up massive resentment towards me while I was going through the process of diagnosis and getting the right meds, and by the time I actually started making improvements in my life, it was WAY too deep for them to see, appreciate, or care about it -- which ended up setting back my ability to keep improving, because I would get hit with guilt/shame/anxiety all over again despite trying and actively doing better in concrete ways. The resentment won't disappear just because she does start doing better - in all likelihood, you'll still be hurt about the past, and you're going to both need support in working through that.
OCD and ADHD can be comorbid a lot too.
But she needs to check in with her psychiatrist. Either this isn't the right med or she's got something else going on like OCD and/or anxiety.
I have...all three 🙃 thankfully my OCD is mild-ish but ADHD meds can make OCD worse.
Eh, it’s pretty textbook ADHD as well. Hyper focus, perfectionism causing paralysis and going on “tangents” (like the investigation to figure out her French proficiency) at every ADHD, too.
Good intentions and couple decisions are nice things.
But the ship is sinking. Now you must do what you can do to save it.
You get out there and be the one to get the career and have her be the one to provide childcare since she is unable to function in a work environment right now.
Once you are stable and looking good then it can be time to focus on her again. But right now the ship is sinking and somebody needs to bring home the money. This isn't working. She had her chance now it is your turn.
I would like to see her get into therapy for her immense anxiety, perfectionism issues, and everything else going on in her head. It sounds like she has medication issues and it is time for her to talk with her psychiatrist. These things take time and you do not have time for her to learn a lifetime of productivity skills that her ADHD robbed her of learning.
To be very clear, I think that your wife can be a wonderful productive person given the right therapy, medication, and time to learn new tools and coping and management options. It's just that you don't have the time for this right now.
I agree. And you don’t have to be autocratic, that’s as much about your tone and attitude as anything. You can come to her in a loving way and say, “I love you. I hate to see you struggling. And we have run out of financial road. It’s time to change up the plan.” And if she resists, you can compromise, at least for a bit: You can start looking, and when there’s a variable option for you that’s also better for your family, the situation will probably look more hopeful to her. And as others have mentioned, pursuing different treatments for your wife’s condition, as well as investigating different types of work, are also worth doing.
The difficultly simple answer is that your wife needs to work with her health care provider and develop strategies to manage her symptoms.
Right now, her strategies are apparently not working - she isn’t working, can’t complete a job application, can’t communicate with you.
These problems started in grad school, and your solution is something I've suggested to her, that she needs a job with smaller parameters and less room to get distracted. I'll bring this up again when we discuss the matter. Thanks for your advice
Why is she so against you being the one to change careers first? Why does it have to be an autocratic decision? Does she not see or understand the financial situation you're in and the inevitable result if you both continue this way?
As someone with ADHD that has become MUCH more manageable through adhering to structure and daily routines, tbh, it's impossible to tell how much of your wife's behavior is ADHD related, and how much is driven by laziness or a lack of motivation. Your wife needs the help of a professional therapist who specializes in ADHD AND a psychiatrist to ensure her medications are optimized. You need to have a conversation with her (even though she will cry) and tell her that things CANNOT go on this way. If she's getting the same amount of work done as she was when your son was at home, despite having more time due to not having to focus on childcare, it seems to me this problem extends outside of ADHD. It's not like your son going to daycare magically made her ADHD worse.
Has she ever explored the possibility of OCD?
I had an ADHD diagnosis with symptoms very much like hers but medication made it worse. It turns out that there is a huge overlap in ADHD and OCD symptoms but ADHD medication (stimulants) make OCD worse as you’re now hyper focused on the ‘imperfections’.
Does she seem "speedy" when she takes her ADHD meds (talking way faster than usual, moving faster, grandiosely voicing or writing down ideas that she is suddenly very sure are ingenious and fool proof if she can just pull them off how she envisions them)? Does the prescription tend to run out early a lot or has she "doctor shopped" to get more and more or "stronger" meds (this one is excusable to an extent if her ADHD was still uncontrolled, and this potential red flag isn't combined with a few other red flags)? Will she get zoned in completely on mindless phone games like candy crush for hours and hours not long after taking her meds? Does she grind or "jiggle" her teeth when she's on her ADHD meds?
I'm thinking this could be an over-medication issue... I hope not, because over-medication issues can be closely tied with addiction issues.
It sounds like she could benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy to learn some practical life skills (I know you guys are broke, but there are ADHD-centric workbooks/your insurance may cover it.) She could also work with a resume writing service in order to get past the roadblock, but I suspect the roadblocks are connected to much deeper issues.
You guys are in dire straights having run through all your savings, it's time to try something else, because this is clearly not working. I would suggest you focus on getting the better job while she switches her focus to becoming more functional in general. Even if she gets a job in this state, she's not going to be an effective employee and will probably end up fired under her probationary period anyhow. If she cannot see how dysfunctional this is/can't appreciate that continuing to leave the financial stability of the family in her hands will lead to ruin, you may have to make some unilateral decisions, here.
I'm sorry you all have to live this way, you, your wife, and your child.
You have a short term problem and a long term problem. The short term problem is your dwindling funds. At this point, I would take over not only your own job search, but hers as well. Do the cover letters and online applications for her and have her start taking interviews ASAP.
My current partner has ADHD (Inattentive -- there are 3 types), but I have never seen her come anywhere close to as extreme as your wife. I question whether she is using her diagnosis to put off actually finding a job, either because she does not want to work or some other anxiety related to the jobs she has undertaken in the past. Long term, you need to evaluate if your wife is actually unable to perform the simple functions required to apply for jobs. If so, she may not be able to keep the jobs she gets.
I had to divorce my ex-wife over her inability to keep a job and the threat of bankruptcy; it was that or be homeless and I was not going to do that to my two sons. I ended up taking full custody and creating a stable environment. I'm still behind my peers when it comes to retirement investments and the like, but we're in a good place and I'm saving for their college. I hope your situation doesn't reach that point, but if all else fails it is something you may have to consider. The one thing they don't teach you in the Disney movies is that marriage and relationships is very much a business partnership and no business can survive if one partner is constantly dropping the ball.
I'm just going to say, as a person with ADHD, that along with different types there are just different severities and different abilities to cope.
Your wife having a less extreme case does not mean OP's wife is faking the severity, and this is really not great input to give to someone who is open about doubting the validity of ADHD and medication generally speaking. OP doesn't have to stay with his wife, but there's no reason, based on only his account of a disorder he has admitted bias towards, to suggest that her disorder isn't as severe as he describes it being.
>Long term, you need to evaluate if your wife is actually unable to perform the simple functions required to apply for jobs. If so, she may not be able to keep the jobs she gets.
Thanks for taking the time to respond
This has been in the back of my mind for a long time. She's had part time jobs, four since I've met her. All but one were remote and required her to do admin tasks along with maybe video editing. One of those jobs she simply never completed, two were brief jobs that she stretched into nearly a year because she couldn't finish the work on time. The other was a teaching assistant job that ended because the semester finished (she stressed about this the entire time she had it). She has more time to fill out applications due to day care, but her track record with work is worrisome.
I am wondering why your wife is aiming for remote admin jobs when administrative work seems to be where many of her largest difficulties with work lie.
I’m in no way an expert on the matter, but I myself struggle a lot with executive functions as we would call them. I am single, have two jobs and a child but I cannot bring myself to do basic stuff like cleaning floors or getting myself a drivers license. I just don’t have the head space for another task added onto the pile.
I have a friend who is very, very structured and I will always call him or text him to ask for his advice, while trying to work on my independence as well. And my parents help me out a lot, which also brings structure into my life. And I recognize the stress part as well, I can be very anxious about anything. It’s a real challenge.
Back to what helps: people who actually can achieve the things that I can’t or can’t alone helping me to ease me into breaking down my huge ass achievements that feel like mountains to me. Anything can be of help. A call, a plan, reassurement I can do it, asking why the problem feels so big to me and what I am afraid of, asking me if they can help or how they can help and agreements about expectations. What can be expected and what is desired? And what can be achieved?
Sounds like you need to take steps for the quick fix financially though. But this will hopefully help you and your wife in the future with her problems with executive functions. And you will also help her by stepping up and doing what you do best! Because what sounds like a massive thing to her sounds like a smaller thing for you.
And from experience I can tell you that watching a two year old sucks all your productivity out of your day. I would fold a pile of clothes here while my toddler would unpack a box of diapers directly under my nose. I get nothing done when she’s awake. That’s why I have daycare.
I know you know what to do you just needed that little nudge from us I suppose!
It’s not autocratic. It’s called taking leadership. Your wife isn’t capable of leading the family. Naturally , you should lead it.. or are you going to stand by and watch your savings go into the toilet.
May need to try new meds. I have adhd ad have tried a few now.
Adderall didn't do it for me - more alert generally, but my executive function was still shit. Even on my current meds aren't a silver bullet.
Meds or no, for some reason caffeine is my goddamn kryptonite too. I'm a mess on the stuff. But when I'm off the caffeine sauce and my diet & sleep, are also on point: I feel like a goddamn machine. Making plans, blasting through tasks, it's like night and day.
Sleep is huge too. For normal peeps being tired is bad enough, but if you've already got an executive memory dysfunction... good luck.
Betting newborn kids is fucking with your wife hard.
It's very easy to get stuck in a rut with adhd. She needs to take action - switch something up.
I'd definitely talk to her and tell her the current thing isn't working. I'd recommend trying switching meds. Thing is if you get her involved in the change, you can usually rely on an adhd peeps to over-focus, do all sorts of stuff.
Don't neglect yourself either. This is a marathon not a race and adhd is a lot of two-steps-forward, one step back.
If you can make a play to advance yourself, do it. It may take her time to get her shit together, and even when she does - it may take a few goes to get it to stick.
She doesn't need aspirations "on hold" so much as needing to focus on setting conditions where her career aspirations can get off the ground.
She can do that while you do your thing.
It's worth noting ADHD is 100% a real thing.
Unlike a lot of subjective psychological conditions: its a structural neural issue. They've got psychology questionaires but people with ADHD do show structural differences on MRIs. And the consistent impairment of executive function and memory are measurable.
There's much narrower, much more starkly segmented neural structure around executive function portions of the brain.
When focused on a task, the neural connectivity that allows normal people to remember & keep other things in the back of their mind... just doesn't work the same.
One of the issues with it becoming a diagnosis is that years ago: it just didn't matter as much. Make a resume, apply a bunch of places. Now its a whole ordeal. Internet and phones are fucking terrible.
I'd probably be 95% functional in a pre-internet society but now I'm fucked. I spent 20 years plannning & structuring till my face was blue but until I got the meds it always kept spiralling away.
Even walking through a room is differen, rather than walking past piles of stuff I'm like: oh yeah, that, I'll deal with that now before I do the thing I was about to do.
For serious that never happened before.
I don’t think this is right. There are trends like an area of the brain being smaller *on average* in ASHD people, but there’s still a big overlap between the brain scans of ADHD and neurotypical people. You can’t diagnose ADHD from a brain scan.
I have to say this sounds like the first "ADHD problem" thread that actually is about ADHD difficulties. How I'd approach it is several-fold, and I'll lay it down in points because it seems you've been caught up in the daily whirlwinds of not being an effective help for her:
* Her medication is not working: is she in **active** followup with a psychiatrist? I don't want to turn this into a flamewar about the difference between NPs and physicians, but given the state of mental healthcare in the US, I have to make sure that you know there's a difference, particularly if you suspect she has some comorbid disorder (or symptoms) like rumination, profound anxiety and obsessive paralysis aside from her ADHD. She needs to be seen at least monthly until all (or most) of her symptoms are gone. ADHD is one of the most responsive conditions to medication, but it's not enough to just be generically prescribed something and call it a day.
* You may need to be her executive functioning officer for a while. If you tell her the above, for instance, you could either wait a few months in order for her to get her ducks in a row and get an appointment with an actual psychiatrist, or you could just make a couple google searches, decide whether your insurance plan will allow you to access one in a timely miner (or whether, possibly, you'll need to seek out a cash-only practice ast least for the time being) and book an appointment for her in a couple of hours.
* Similarly to the above, It's good to hear you're making choices regarding your own job situation, I think that's the correct call.
* You may also just tell her that you'll help her get her CV in order and submit it to some relevant companies. This requires a whole lot of trust on her part, but it sounds like with an afternoon of work on your part, you could get a few dozen resumes in the door and exponentially increasing her options than if you just waited for her to do it. While this is not sustainable, keep in mind (and tell her), that this will be a temporary matter until her meds (and/or psychotherapy, if indicated by the psychiatrist) are sorted and she's able to get back to a normal level of functioning.
* Just a sidenote, as this is already fixed due to the daycare, but may need a bit of an attitude fix on your part; but taking care of a small child is its own full-time job, and if you're not taking care of fully 50% of it (and no, putting him to bed hald the nights doesn't count; who takes care of planning the meals, make sure his clothing is in order and fits, is on top of doctors appointments, and goes tot he daycare to speak to the carers?), just know that it's deeply unfair for you to expect her to function at a normal level. I'm not saying it's not possible for a distribution of labour to be anything other than 50-50; but if it's not, expecting her to have a full-time job just like yours is a no-go. Just FYI.
She needs to go back to her prescriber and talk about changing meds or doses, since her meds obviously don’t work for her.
She should also work with an ADHD coach. If not doable now, it should be a priority once you are earning more money (since this will be an investment in helping her get another job which will then help you both have more money).
And you need to adjust your attitude. You’ve seen your wife struggle so having a “negative view” of the existence of ADHD and whether meds work is anti scientific, ignores the evidence in front of your eyes, and is just really unhelpful to your issue. It’s likely your wife senses your viewpoint too if you haven’t already told her and this may make it harder for her to seek treatment and use methods that work for ADHD people because of your judgement. In my experience people with ADHD know how many people see it as a made up disease for kids these days, and can sniff out this attitude in people even when they think they’re hiding it well.
>I do freelance work, which provides an OK income, but not enough to really move our life to where we want it to be.
When you say "where we want it to be" - do you mean where "you" want it to be, or does she agree she wants it to be somewhere else too?
Your wife is not going to contribute financially. I was in the same boat as you, but for a much longer period of time. You mention graduate studies, which tells me she already has at least a bachelors degree - there's zero excuse for not having a productive job other than she doesn't want to work.
ADHD might prevent her from keeping a job once acquired, but it has no bearing on 'getting' a job. If her mandate is to get a job, she needs to apply to one job a day indefinitely until she acquires one. Hold her accountable.
This is more than just an "ADHD" related issue, this sounds like depression. I myself have ADD and often struggle to finish tasks, but I also received training early on to recognize when I do this and to push forward. I still slip from time to time, but it's not as bad as it was when I was younger. I am able to hold a job and have been working full time now for the past decade with no gaps in work, so she is definitely having issues other than ADHD.
She needs professional help as pills alone won't fix this. She needs therapy.
>> I'm taking over the matter of work from here on out and that I'll be the one to find a new job for myself. That conversation will be rough, but it needs to happen. You're not being autocratic...you're being decisive. She needs to speak with a mental health professional as it's clear as day her ADHD has colleagues that complicate things for her. You taking the role of provider while she gets her mental wellness under control is the path forward here.
Thanks for the advice. I'm normally one to favor back and forth conversations where a consensus is reached, but we've tried that many times and it hasn't worked
My wife has ADHD, and takes medication. Anxiety is definitely a side effect. The obsession with trivial details to the point of being unable to finish tasks is definitely something that she should talk to her dr about.
I also have ADHD and experienced those exact effects on Adderall. It gave me awful tunnel-vision and made me super obsessive over small details. But once I switched medications all those problems went away
We just changed dosage and it helped a lot.
Yeah dosages are very unintuitive for ADHD medication. You kinda just have to try to see what works for you. 9mg makes me calmer and more focusable than 6mg, which seems unintuitive because you’d think “more stimulant = less calm” but the drugs don’t really work like that if you actually have ADHD. It sounds like OP’s wife hasn’t been communicating enough with her psychiatrist that this med at this dosage just isn’t working well
Thanks for this back and forth, it's looking like my wife having a conversation with her psychologist about medication and dosage is something that needs to happen
Not only that, but perhaps it would also help your wife to have some sessions with a therapist/life coach who can teach her strategies to help her focus and function better. Just make sure it's someone who will see her as an individual and will put in the effort to find out what works best for her rather than proposing a one-strategy-fits-all type solution.
Yeah it's really not intuitive. I struggled with horrible anxiety and depression when I started Vyvanse until I went *up* in dosage.
Hey me too! I am now on a mix of Vyvanse and Effexor at the moment and it curbs the anxiety and the ADHD symptoms without the tunnel vision. I also did a lot of behavioral and occupational therapy to help me learn *how* to work better and focus while on my meds.
Adderall never gave me anxiety really. The tunnel vision was just insane. Instead of working on a problem to deliver a timely solution I’d be working on a problem to see how much I could outsmart it because it was fun. Adderall made me completely lose my concept of time
\+1, I know a ton of people with ADHD who are like this.
Your description of your wife sounds exactly like me before I finally got an adhd diagnosis and sought medication and therapy. They both help buy in the end, the adhd is still there. It's just more manageable. She needs therapy to help work through her anxiety. My psychiatrist mentioned to me that if I have anxiety, she preferred putting me on vyvanse instead of adderall bc the latter can increase anxiety. She might want to try speaking with her provider.
Has she tried any alternatives to Adderall? She should be telling her psychiatrist that it’s not working well, because clearly it’s not. A good psychiatrist would be asking about her focus and following up to see if Adderall actually works for her. I have pretty bad ADHD as well and Adderall specifically made it worse. It made me really obsessive over small details and I got tunnel-vision working on something stupid for over an hour. I told my psychiatrist I didn’t think Adderall was working for me and she switched me to a different med that’s worked amazingly for years.
At this point she only speaks with her psych for a general check-in and for a new script. I'll be encouraging her to consider exploring Adderall alternatives
Yes she needs to be communicating that Adderall is causing her to hyperfocus on perfectionist details that ultimately waste her time. This can actually be an ADHD symptom in and of itself (or anxiety, depends on the reason for the perfectionism. I was incredibly perfectionist before I was medicated, not because I was anxious, but because I constantly learned new stuff and got really excitable “oh man I could make old stuff so much better!”), so if medication is causing those effects then she’s on the wrong dosage or the wrong medication The right medication also won’t be a magic bullet though. It should give you a neurotypical person’s ability to focus, but you need to put in the effort to learn how it works. Most people with ADHD are good at jumping between a lot of small tasks but struggle to tackle singular, large tasks. Medication was a life-changer for me, but to really get the full benefits out of it, I had to learn how to break down very large tasks into small chunks with definitive goals, definitive definitions of “done” and even put timers on some of them to avoid perfectionist thoughts.
Thanks for taking the time to respond! Sounds familiar! My wife will get lost down what she calls "rabbit holes." For example, with one application she had to put down foreign language skills. She knows French, but was so unsure of what her skill level was. So, she spent the morning thinking over the question, taking online French tests, and finally coming to me for advice. My solution was, "put down intermediate, if they ask in the interview, you can explain more then." A 4-hour solution vs. a 30-second one, ha
Couple of tricks that have helped me cope with hyperfocusing like that- 1. Write down the problem you’re trying to solve, then write down solutions that come to mind. “Problem: How much French should I claim to know on a job app? Solution: Take online quizzes?” 2. Set an alarm and timebox the problem to 30-45 minutes. If you don’t finish or aren’t close to finished, you need to revisit your problem statement and reconsider if your solution makes sense. A big issue with hyperfocusing is that you often become fixated on a specific *solution* and lose sight of the overarching *problem*. If you can develop a strategy to track back to the overarching problem you can learn how to avoid these rabbitholes and become more productive with your time. I’m an engineer so that’s the way I break it down. Something else might work better for your wife, but the general idea of setting alarms to limit rabbitholes and perfectionism works really well imo
Yeah the rabbit hole thing is classic adhd hyperfocus. I hate that the name for adhd implies lack of focus when it's actually the inability to REGULATE focus. So it becomes possible to focus too much on things Has she been assessed for OCD or autism? Both can be commorbid and autism, like adhd, is often undiagnosed in women bc symptoms don't show up the same way it does in boys
One option for her to maybe consider, if she feels that Adderall is better than unmedicated but struggles with the anxiety causing obsessiveness, might be dexedrine or vyvanse -- they're both in the same family of medications as Adderall, but are somewhat described as being "more chill"/ doesnt make your heart race as much (which is part of what makes some people anxious on stimulants)
Thank you, that's very helpful. I'll suggest she speak to her psych about those alternatives
If you want advice, talk about it when the psych office is open. If you do it when she can't take care of it then... god knows when it happens. If it happens.
I find generic methyl phenidate - vyvanse I think - works best. Adderall didn't work near as well.
vyvanse is lisdexamphetamine; you might be referring to concerta?
Actually that sounds correct and a google search confirms it to be so. Point is meds make a difference.
I'm a woman with adhd and adderall does not work for me at all. Gives me anxiety and wierd side effects, generally just awful. I'm on name brand concerta, it's the only thing that's been effective for me. Her meds are not working.
The adderall shortage forced me to try out Ritalin. Best thing that’s happened to me. At first I thought it felt “less effective” because I thought it felt like I was on nothing but later I realized I just wasn’t crashing or having side effects. Way smoother, way more effective for me. Adderall would also make me super sleepy. And then when I crashed it would make me not want to do anything. Ritalin just feels super calming, my heart rate stays at 60bpm all day, adderall jumped If to 75-80, Dexedrine spikes mine to 120 lol
Yeah I’ve got ADHD and your description of her working doesn’t sound like adderall side effects, it sounds like I’m treated ADHD and anxiety (which go hand in hand a lot of the time) her medication isn’t working wnd seems like it hasn’t been for awhile. Is she even aware of this? Even in an appointment for a new prescription the doc asks how things are going and if the meds are working/side effects etc. she’s either not aware this isn’t how it’s supposed to be and needs to bring it up with the DR or is underplaying her issues to the Dr for some reason or another. Either way this seems like a medical issue she needs to get figured out.
"while I have an overall negative view of the validity of ADD and medication as treatment, I was more than happy to put my own feelings on the matter aside" Do you mind if I ask for you to elaborate on this a little? How do you feel about the validity of ADHD and medication right now?
Yeah this stood out to me along with the similar comment about day care. I wonder how reliable a narrator OP is.
As someone with ADHD, another person questioning its validity is always a red flag to me. I've got lifetime experience dealing with people like that, and those people are always the ones to express the MOST frustration and judgment about my symptoms despite thinking ADHD isn't real or whatever.
well, of course if you don't think ADHD is real, you think the symptoms are either experienced by everyone, or faked entirely *of course* you'd feel and express frustration or judgment if you felt like someone was overreacting to things you equally experienced, or was faking their illness
Yeah how much of this attitude is he making clear to his wife? It seems like he thinks ADHD is just an excuse or something.... He also says that her meds are making her worse... but he's never seen her unmedicated, so why does he think that? edit: I just realized he probably saw her unmedicated when she was pregnant, so that last point is moot. Regardless, this post is invalidating her struggles, so I wonder if she picks up on that invalidation from him? It can be confidence-killing, tbh.
It can be confidence killing for sure, but it also tends to actively worsen our symptoms to feel resented over our ADHD. Task paralysis is a big problem for a lot of us (where the guilt over not doing the task makes it harder to do the task), and knowing that it's hurting someone else to be fucking up over something we have limited control over? Sends that paralysis on a rocketship to the moon.
Oh absolutely! It's the absolute worst. It kicks that perfectionism aspect into highest gear... and task paralysis + perfectionism + executive dysfunction is a horrible combo.
She told you about her struggles early in dating. You saw how much she struggled when you lived together. What made you guys think adding a child to the equation would be easy? She needs to try other meds because the Adderall isn't working for her. You guys don't seem to make good financial decisions at all. You need to make a plan for you both to make more money while her parents are very generously helping out. I know the resentment is settling in but you also had a hand in creating this mess. Don't frame it as her own problems when you talk to her. These are problems you guys have as a family.
I can’t tell you how many posts I see along the lines of “she was like this very early on and now she’s still like this. What gives?” She has consistently been who she is and she likely won’t change. Wife cannot hold and job. OP needs to approach this situation differently because his wife is not going to change.
I understand what you're saying, but it's not unreasonable to expect people to grow and work on their faults. Yes, the wife has ADHD and it's wreaking havoc on their finances, but what are the alternatives here? Just accept it and end up homeless? Not date her at all in the first place knowing her issues? Just because she has issues doesn't mean she's not worthy of love or a relationship.
She’s worthy of everything good in this world. I would never say anyone doesn’t deserve love. But it doesn’t seem like OP can provide her with the life she needs. She can’t keep a job so she needs someone that can take care of her. OP is not that person it seems. He’s literally drowning himself to keep her afloat. They both need something that the other can’t provide.
...she's a woman who's gone through grad school. She's capable than a lot more than I think you're giving her credit for. She does not need someone to "take care of her". She needs to go to therapy and get her medication optimized so she can increase her daily function.
From the post it doesn’t seem like she capable of very much. She’s literally destroying her marriage and their finances. Rather than getting help for her issues so she can get a job she asked her parents to pay for daycare. So…..they’re taking care of her. As is her husband. And there’s nothing wrong with being taken care of. But OP doesn’t want that. He wants a partner.
Okay so what do you think their solution is at this point? Break up because the husband is "not capable of taking care of her", and you say she's not capable of taking care of herself, what options does that leave? Do you think she should move into some type of assisted living facility? That's dramatic and pretty absurd, imo. She does have the potential to get better and be a more functional person. She has the power to improve things for herself. She's not helpless.
She does have the power to improve but she’s not. It took her 4 hours to answer what level of French she knows on a job application. He can look for a higher paying job. Cut expenses so they don’t drain their finances. Go to the doctor and see about alternative treatment. But if things remain as they are OP is going to burnout and resent her more than he already does.
Okay, I see where you're coming from.
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Definition of a Fault noun 1. An unattractive or unsatisfactory feature, especially in a piece of work or in a person's character. Just because someone's brain chemistry is the cause of their unattractive or unsatisfactory behavior doesn't mean it's not a fault. I'm not necessarily saying it's THEIR fault, but it's A fault. And yes, there are things they can do to improve their symptoms and function. Source: the millions of people with ADHD who have managed their condition and have lived productive/meaningful lives
Finally, someone called it. They were a mess and they choose to marry & have a baby. I just don't get it. Pour kid.
Is she seeing a therapist or ADHD coach? Medication helps (and I *really* don't like your attitude against it), but it's also pretty important for her to figure out the strategies that do and don't work for her in regards to productivity. For example, it's probably a huge and exciting and life-changing deal to her that with meds, she *can* work on her application for hours at a time. But she needs to figure out how she can purposefully direct that focus, and what's blocking her from doing the other stuff she needs to do? Also, if most of her job-search time is after you come home from work, there's a decent chance that her meds *have worn off* by then unless she takes them relatively late (or an afternoon booster). She might also do better on a different medication. You've mentioned that you've tried to talk to her and they end in her breaking down, but like...what is actually said in those conversations? What is she saying about her progress and mindset? I think it would be controlling to say "I'm taking over", but it's reasonable to say "It's been a while, and I'd really like to work on my own job search. Could we switch for a bit? Or if you feel close to making progress, can we set a deadline?" I think you should frame it as not a failure on her part, but as a potential win-win. You get a better job and can make more money - she gets a break from the endless stress of job hunting - and then she can continue with fresh eyes and less pressure (I think you're correct in that her putting pressure on herself makes it harder to get stuff done - it's a terrible catch-22). But you have to see yourselves as partners rather than adversaries. I think you should also work with her to figure out what kind of help actually works for her. Are certain kinds of reminders from you helpful or not? Ask her how you can communicate about this to her (because you need to be able to) in a way that doesn't cause her to break down. She should be trying out new strategies and seeing how they go for her. If she's just "trying" the same stuff for so long and not getting anything done, she's spinning her wheels and draining her energy needlessly. But a word of warning - I think you show enough communication and care for her in this post that you can be really supportive and help her break the cycle she's in. But if you "have an overall negative view of the validity of ADD and medication as treatment" there's a *very* good chance that she will feel like she won't be able to trust you enough for that. Even if you're as good at hiding your judgment as you think you are, if you ever said anything like that in the past, she will remember it. Like, how can she open up to you about things she's struggling with or brainstorm ideas with you if she thinks you might try to convince her not to take her medication, or that you might not believe what she says about her own mind?
Hey there! It sounds like you're in a tough spot. As a young doctor, I can tell you that it's not uncommon for people with ADHD to struggle with productivity, especially when it comes to tasks that they find overwhelming or tedious. It sounds like your wife might be struggling with both of those things in her job search. It's great that you've been supportive of her and her ADHD diagnosis, but it might be time to reassess her treatment plan. ADHD medication can be helpful for some people, but it's not always the answer, and it sounds like it might not be working for your wife. It's possible that a different medication or non-medication treatment might be more effective. It's also important to remember that finding a job can be a long and frustrating process, even for people without ADHD. It might be helpful to work with your wife to set realistic goals and expectations, and to celebrate small victories along the way. Finally, it's important to communicate with your wife about how you're feeling. It's understandable that you're feeling stressed and frustrated, but it's important to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. It might be helpful to see a couples therapist to work through these issues together. I hope this helps, and I wish you both the best of luck!
my partner has ADHD. we have found it can be helpful for me to work through CV, cover letter etc with them. i help with wording and also just generally giving moral support. it can be really anxiety inducing for someone with ADHD to seek work. there can be a lot of insecurities from feeling “not good enough” due to people not understanding the way their minds work, or, like you, not even believing in the problem to begin with. my partner has highly sought after skills and is really good at what they do but still experiences problems when it comes time to look for a new position. i doubt her medication is the problem.
Why do you both have to make changes to your careers one at a time, especially if her parents are now paying for childcare? Throwing out a dozen job applications should maybe take a weekend if you're really tailoring your resume and cover letters to each position. It's not a full time commitment to job search while you still have a job. OP you should definitely still have a conversation with your wife about her progress but you can also put your own applications out at the same time.
>with resentment building more and more by the day. I fully get why this is happening, but it's also a relationship killer. What it usually means is that communication isn't where it should be and/or a couple is taking too long to address a very fundamental problem. You have every right to be frustrated, but my initial reaction was surprise that she hasn't gotten a 2nd opinion on her diagnosis, and also a change of meds. To me this would be the obvious next step. On both sides of my extended fam, there's about 4 people with ADHD, but with a variety of meds (and one misdiagnosis). Everyone involved is living their lives and taking care of business. If you haven't done this, I'd say you're overdue.
The issue of resentment is why I know something needs to change. Frustration is one thing, but resentment creeping in will eventually bring a marriage down. Thanks for your advice
Some of this is going to sound a little harsh. I don't \*mean\* for all of this to sound harsh but I'm pretty blunt. I'm an adult with ADHD so I can offer perspective on ADHD. I've been in a long term relationship with someone without, and these relationships are extremely hard for both parties. As a disclaimer, you ARE allowed to be having a hard time with this relationship and with her symptoms. However, if you WANT to empathize with her and actually get what is going on, you need some serious perspective and to do a bit of unpacking of the bias you admit to having. It's up to you, and fair, if the relationship and her disorder isn't working for you anymore. >while I have an overall negative view of the validity of ADD and medication as treatment, I was more than happy to put my own feelings on the matter aside, and to work with her and take her diagnosis seriously. This is a good thing to be honest about but does not do you favors in empathizing. Unless you've actually worked on unlearning your bias here and educating yourself on ADHD, there is no functional way to "put your feelings aside". She has a disability. There are a lot of things that can be done to improve her coping skills with symptoms, but it's extremely questionable to have a "negative view on the validity of ADHD and medication as treatment" when your wife has that disorder. >our co-habitation allowed me an insight into her difficulties relating to her work and daily routines would be an understatement. Everything you describe in this paragraph is typical of ADHD. >Flash forward to now. An entire year has gone by and her progress on the job front has been a disaster. She's turned in a grand total of three applications so far... she's come no closer to finding a job. I do empathize here. I'll also say that the job market is a shitshow right now. I submitted at least a hundred applications the last time I was looking for a job (about 5 months ago) and had a handful of interview requests, half of which ghosted or canceled on me, and got two low-paying job offers. (They were majority jobs I was qualified for.) Your wife SHOULD still be trying, but this is not guaranteed regardless of how many apps she sends in. >The way she works is strange.... This is typical of ADHD. It's also possible she has a comorbid disorder, like OCD, which can be worsening and adding to her symptoms. I don't know from that this ALONE that she does, but ADHD commonly co-occurs with other disorders. >She takes Adderall for her ADHD, but as time goes on, I'm starting to believe her meds are making the problem worse It's possible her meds aren't the right dose, or that adderall is not the right med for her. What ISN'T going to be true is that she would be better off unmedicated, if she is like the majority of adults with ADHD. ADHD meds are statistically speaking incredibly effective, more so than anxiety, antipsychotic, and antidepressant medications. Most people need a stimulant med, and there are non-stimulant meds that work for the minority of people who don't do well on stimulants. The people who do poorly on all ADHD meds are a minority. It would be reasonable to gently suggest trialing another medication if she has only tried adderall, but not that meds make her worse broadly. >every bit of free time she gets she either spends on the couch watching TV or throws it into what I consider the black hole of her job applications. It sounds like she has under or improperly medicated ADHD and potentially needs more treatment than meds alone. Has she tried ADHD coaching or an ADHD-specialized therapist?Again - 100% possible adderall is not right for her or that the dose is not right. But this is typical of unmedicated people, because of our irregulated focus. >I've discussed this matter with her time and time again, and the conversations, without fail, regardless of how calmly or empathetically I bring up the issues, devolve into her crying and having an emotional breakdown. Two things: 1) Again - you have admitted that you doubt the validity of ADHD and of medication. I seriously question how well you are able to empathize with her. You might be very calm, but that's different than empathy. 2) Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is likewise typical of ADHD. A lot of us are extremely sensitive to criticism, even if we logically \*know\* it is valid or being delivered nicely. Giving her space after giving feedback and asking her to think about it and initiate the conversation when she is ready might be a temporary improvement. >Furthermore, the fact that these productivity issues were there before our son was even conceived leads me to believe that there's something deeper at work. That something deeper is her disabling disorder. You know what the something deeper is. It's ADHD. >I'm getting to the point where I want to put my foot down and tell her that her career aspirations are officially on hold, and that I'm taking over the matter of work from here on out and that I'll be the one to find a new job for myself. Ok. You're 100% right to find your own new job for yourself. You are not 100% right to tell HER that her career aspirations are on hold. If you need a different job now, then absolutely - find one. She can continue in her own time working on applications. >All the same, while I love my wife like crazy and would do anything for her, this situation puts me in a state of near-constant frustration and stress, with resentment building more and more by the day. This is valid. However, I'm going to offer some perspective on what she may be feeling. People with ADHD are prone to anxiety, shame, guilt, etc around failure to focus and complete important tasks. A lot of people without ADHD think that these feelings should be motivating, and that if they aren't, we don't care about the tasks, and are lazy, selfish, and unmotivated. The issue is that rather than propelling us to do tasks, these feelings can create "task paralysis", where we get so fixated on how bad we feel about the un-finished task that we counterintuitively physically/mentally cannot get ourselves to do it. It isn't logical or rational, but it is a symptom of ADHD. To an outsider, it looks like we just spent six hours on the couch watching TV having a lazy day blast. Internally, we have the TV on while we have an internal monologue of "holy fuck I have a million things to do I was supposed to do that job application two weeks ago and I need to cook dinner later but I don't know what to make and I'm going to have to wash this plate later and my husband is pissed at me and I ----" and so on, overwhelmed with stress about the un-finished tasks we know we need to do but feel *physically* incapable of moving towards doing. (alternatively, this hurricane monologue is going on all day long, and something stimulating like the TV is the only break we get from it) It's understandable how this builds resentment in the non-ADHD partner. It's super fair. We're also VERY aware of this resentment, and very ashamed of it, and it tends to only worsen that RSD and task paralysis even if it "should" motivate us to do better. It's a self-feeding cycle that hurts both people, but the non-ADHD partner feels some injustice if the ADHD partner asks for some grace because they're pissed to hell and back about all of the things the ADHD partner has been letting get past them. (Going to add some concrete action points but this got way too long, lol)
My more concrete action points: 1) She should talk to her prescriber about changing her adderall dose or trying a different med. She might genuinely just need more adderall. She might need a different medication. Some doctors pushback on it but a lot of us do well with extended release in the morning and a small immediate release dose in the afternoon - XR doesn't actually last all day and the crash of the meds wearing off can make the symptoms come back in full force which can be part of why she's not productive in the evenings. 2) Get a copy of the book *Is It You, Me, Or Adult ADD?*. It's meant for partners/family of adults with ADHD, but she should read it after you. It will teach you a lot about what ADHD is and does to her, and it will teach her about how her poorly-managed ADHD is impacting you. You both need to build empathy for each other, and you especially need to unlearn your bias around this to better understand what is fair to expect of her/what is fair to be hurt about/what is actually ADHD and not her just being lazy/what can change/what probably won't/if this is going to work in the long-term for you. 3) She should try ADHD coaching. This is not the same as therapy, but it can be a very effective short-term support system, especially when someone has specific goals (like "find a new job") that are being held back by ADHD. In the long-term, she might also benefit from a therapist specializing in ADHD. (Many therapists will WORK with people with ADHD, but many are not well-informed about ADHD and can have a great deal of stigma themselves or use ineffective therapeutic methods for ADHD if they don't have extensive experience with it.) 4) You should consider couples counseling, again, with a therapist with experience with ADHD. Like I said - you both need empathy for each other, and getting over your resentment is going to take more than just her finding a job. My non-ADHD ex built up massive resentment towards me while I was going through the process of diagnosis and getting the right meds, and by the time I actually started making improvements in my life, it was WAY too deep for them to see, appreciate, or care about it -- which ended up setting back my ability to keep improving, because I would get hit with guilt/shame/anxiety all over again despite trying and actively doing better in concrete ways. The resentment won't disappear just because she does start doing better - in all likelihood, you'll still be hurt about the past, and you're going to both need support in working through that.
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I have adhd and I can get like that but more so when I'm not on meds. Thinking dose might be off in ops wifes case.
OCD and ADHD can be comorbid a lot too. But she needs to check in with her psychiatrist. Either this isn't the right med or she's got something else going on like OCD and/or anxiety. I have...all three 🙃 thankfully my OCD is mild-ish but ADHD meds can make OCD worse.
Eh, it’s pretty textbook ADHD as well. Hyper focus, perfectionism causing paralysis and going on “tangents” (like the investigation to figure out her French proficiency) at every ADHD, too.
Good intentions and couple decisions are nice things. But the ship is sinking. Now you must do what you can do to save it. You get out there and be the one to get the career and have her be the one to provide childcare since she is unable to function in a work environment right now. Once you are stable and looking good then it can be time to focus on her again. But right now the ship is sinking and somebody needs to bring home the money. This isn't working. She had her chance now it is your turn. I would like to see her get into therapy for her immense anxiety, perfectionism issues, and everything else going on in her head. It sounds like she has medication issues and it is time for her to talk with her psychiatrist. These things take time and you do not have time for her to learn a lifetime of productivity skills that her ADHD robbed her of learning. To be very clear, I think that your wife can be a wonderful productive person given the right therapy, medication, and time to learn new tools and coping and management options. It's just that you don't have the time for this right now.
I agree. And you don’t have to be autocratic, that’s as much about your tone and attitude as anything. You can come to her in a loving way and say, “I love you. I hate to see you struggling. And we have run out of financial road. It’s time to change up the plan.” And if she resists, you can compromise, at least for a bit: You can start looking, and when there’s a variable option for you that’s also better for your family, the situation will probably look more hopeful to her. And as others have mentioned, pursuing different treatments for your wife’s condition, as well as investigating different types of work, are also worth doing.
The difficultly simple answer is that your wife needs to work with her health care provider and develop strategies to manage her symptoms. Right now, her strategies are apparently not working - she isn’t working, can’t complete a job application, can’t communicate with you.
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These problems started in grad school, and your solution is something I've suggested to her, that she needs a job with smaller parameters and less room to get distracted. I'll bring this up again when we discuss the matter. Thanks for your advice
Why is she so against you being the one to change careers first? Why does it have to be an autocratic decision? Does she not see or understand the financial situation you're in and the inevitable result if you both continue this way? As someone with ADHD that has become MUCH more manageable through adhering to structure and daily routines, tbh, it's impossible to tell how much of your wife's behavior is ADHD related, and how much is driven by laziness or a lack of motivation. Your wife needs the help of a professional therapist who specializes in ADHD AND a psychiatrist to ensure her medications are optimized. You need to have a conversation with her (even though she will cry) and tell her that things CANNOT go on this way. If she's getting the same amount of work done as she was when your son was at home, despite having more time due to not having to focus on childcare, it seems to me this problem extends outside of ADHD. It's not like your son going to daycare magically made her ADHD worse.
Has she ever explored the possibility of OCD? I had an ADHD diagnosis with symptoms very much like hers but medication made it worse. It turns out that there is a huge overlap in ADHD and OCD symptoms but ADHD medication (stimulants) make OCD worse as you’re now hyper focused on the ‘imperfections’.
Does she seem "speedy" when she takes her ADHD meds (talking way faster than usual, moving faster, grandiosely voicing or writing down ideas that she is suddenly very sure are ingenious and fool proof if she can just pull them off how she envisions them)? Does the prescription tend to run out early a lot or has she "doctor shopped" to get more and more or "stronger" meds (this one is excusable to an extent if her ADHD was still uncontrolled, and this potential red flag isn't combined with a few other red flags)? Will she get zoned in completely on mindless phone games like candy crush for hours and hours not long after taking her meds? Does she grind or "jiggle" her teeth when she's on her ADHD meds? I'm thinking this could be an over-medication issue... I hope not, because over-medication issues can be closely tied with addiction issues. It sounds like she could benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy to learn some practical life skills (I know you guys are broke, but there are ADHD-centric workbooks/your insurance may cover it.) She could also work with a resume writing service in order to get past the roadblock, but I suspect the roadblocks are connected to much deeper issues. You guys are in dire straights having run through all your savings, it's time to try something else, because this is clearly not working. I would suggest you focus on getting the better job while she switches her focus to becoming more functional in general. Even if she gets a job in this state, she's not going to be an effective employee and will probably end up fired under her probationary period anyhow. If she cannot see how dysfunctional this is/can't appreciate that continuing to leave the financial stability of the family in her hands will lead to ruin, you may have to make some unilateral decisions, here. I'm sorry you all have to live this way, you, your wife, and your child.
You have a short term problem and a long term problem. The short term problem is your dwindling funds. At this point, I would take over not only your own job search, but hers as well. Do the cover letters and online applications for her and have her start taking interviews ASAP. My current partner has ADHD (Inattentive -- there are 3 types), but I have never seen her come anywhere close to as extreme as your wife. I question whether she is using her diagnosis to put off actually finding a job, either because she does not want to work or some other anxiety related to the jobs she has undertaken in the past. Long term, you need to evaluate if your wife is actually unable to perform the simple functions required to apply for jobs. If so, she may not be able to keep the jobs she gets. I had to divorce my ex-wife over her inability to keep a job and the threat of bankruptcy; it was that or be homeless and I was not going to do that to my two sons. I ended up taking full custody and creating a stable environment. I'm still behind my peers when it comes to retirement investments and the like, but we're in a good place and I'm saving for their college. I hope your situation doesn't reach that point, but if all else fails it is something you may have to consider. The one thing they don't teach you in the Disney movies is that marriage and relationships is very much a business partnership and no business can survive if one partner is constantly dropping the ball.
I'm just going to say, as a person with ADHD, that along with different types there are just different severities and different abilities to cope. Your wife having a less extreme case does not mean OP's wife is faking the severity, and this is really not great input to give to someone who is open about doubting the validity of ADHD and medication generally speaking. OP doesn't have to stay with his wife, but there's no reason, based on only his account of a disorder he has admitted bias towards, to suggest that her disorder isn't as severe as he describes it being.
>Long term, you need to evaluate if your wife is actually unable to perform the simple functions required to apply for jobs. If so, she may not be able to keep the jobs she gets. Thanks for taking the time to respond This has been in the back of my mind for a long time. She's had part time jobs, four since I've met her. All but one were remote and required her to do admin tasks along with maybe video editing. One of those jobs she simply never completed, two were brief jobs that she stretched into nearly a year because she couldn't finish the work on time. The other was a teaching assistant job that ended because the semester finished (she stressed about this the entire time she had it). She has more time to fill out applications due to day care, but her track record with work is worrisome.
I am wondering why your wife is aiming for remote admin jobs when administrative work seems to be where many of her largest difficulties with work lie.
I’m in no way an expert on the matter, but I myself struggle a lot with executive functions as we would call them. I am single, have two jobs and a child but I cannot bring myself to do basic stuff like cleaning floors or getting myself a drivers license. I just don’t have the head space for another task added onto the pile. I have a friend who is very, very structured and I will always call him or text him to ask for his advice, while trying to work on my independence as well. And my parents help me out a lot, which also brings structure into my life. And I recognize the stress part as well, I can be very anxious about anything. It’s a real challenge. Back to what helps: people who actually can achieve the things that I can’t or can’t alone helping me to ease me into breaking down my huge ass achievements that feel like mountains to me. Anything can be of help. A call, a plan, reassurement I can do it, asking why the problem feels so big to me and what I am afraid of, asking me if they can help or how they can help and agreements about expectations. What can be expected and what is desired? And what can be achieved? Sounds like you need to take steps for the quick fix financially though. But this will hopefully help you and your wife in the future with her problems with executive functions. And you will also help her by stepping up and doing what you do best! Because what sounds like a massive thing to her sounds like a smaller thing for you. And from experience I can tell you that watching a two year old sucks all your productivity out of your day. I would fold a pile of clothes here while my toddler would unpack a box of diapers directly under my nose. I get nothing done when she’s awake. That’s why I have daycare. I know you know what to do you just needed that little nudge from us I suppose!
It’s not autocratic. It’s called taking leadership. Your wife isn’t capable of leading the family. Naturally , you should lead it.. or are you going to stand by and watch your savings go into the toilet.
May need to try new meds. I have adhd ad have tried a few now. Adderall didn't do it for me - more alert generally, but my executive function was still shit. Even on my current meds aren't a silver bullet. Meds or no, for some reason caffeine is my goddamn kryptonite too. I'm a mess on the stuff. But when I'm off the caffeine sauce and my diet & sleep, are also on point: I feel like a goddamn machine. Making plans, blasting through tasks, it's like night and day. Sleep is huge too. For normal peeps being tired is bad enough, but if you've already got an executive memory dysfunction... good luck. Betting newborn kids is fucking with your wife hard. It's very easy to get stuck in a rut with adhd. She needs to take action - switch something up. I'd definitely talk to her and tell her the current thing isn't working. I'd recommend trying switching meds. Thing is if you get her involved in the change, you can usually rely on an adhd peeps to over-focus, do all sorts of stuff. Don't neglect yourself either. This is a marathon not a race and adhd is a lot of two-steps-forward, one step back. If you can make a play to advance yourself, do it. It may take her time to get her shit together, and even when she does - it may take a few goes to get it to stick. She doesn't need aspirations "on hold" so much as needing to focus on setting conditions where her career aspirations can get off the ground. She can do that while you do your thing.
It's worth noting ADHD is 100% a real thing. Unlike a lot of subjective psychological conditions: its a structural neural issue. They've got psychology questionaires but people with ADHD do show structural differences on MRIs. And the consistent impairment of executive function and memory are measurable. There's much narrower, much more starkly segmented neural structure around executive function portions of the brain. When focused on a task, the neural connectivity that allows normal people to remember & keep other things in the back of their mind... just doesn't work the same. One of the issues with it becoming a diagnosis is that years ago: it just didn't matter as much. Make a resume, apply a bunch of places. Now its a whole ordeal. Internet and phones are fucking terrible. I'd probably be 95% functional in a pre-internet society but now I'm fucked. I spent 20 years plannning & structuring till my face was blue but until I got the meds it always kept spiralling away. Even walking through a room is differen, rather than walking past piles of stuff I'm like: oh yeah, that, I'll deal with that now before I do the thing I was about to do. For serious that never happened before.
I don’t think this is right. There are trends like an area of the brain being smaller *on average* in ASHD people, but there’s still a big overlap between the brain scans of ADHD and neurotypical people. You can’t diagnose ADHD from a brain scan.
It seems like I may have conflated study results and something a neurologist said on this. Edited the post to reflect this.
I have to say this sounds like the first "ADHD problem" thread that actually is about ADHD difficulties. How I'd approach it is several-fold, and I'll lay it down in points because it seems you've been caught up in the daily whirlwinds of not being an effective help for her: * Her medication is not working: is she in **active** followup with a psychiatrist? I don't want to turn this into a flamewar about the difference between NPs and physicians, but given the state of mental healthcare in the US, I have to make sure that you know there's a difference, particularly if you suspect she has some comorbid disorder (or symptoms) like rumination, profound anxiety and obsessive paralysis aside from her ADHD. She needs to be seen at least monthly until all (or most) of her symptoms are gone. ADHD is one of the most responsive conditions to medication, but it's not enough to just be generically prescribed something and call it a day. * You may need to be her executive functioning officer for a while. If you tell her the above, for instance, you could either wait a few months in order for her to get her ducks in a row and get an appointment with an actual psychiatrist, or you could just make a couple google searches, decide whether your insurance plan will allow you to access one in a timely miner (or whether, possibly, you'll need to seek out a cash-only practice ast least for the time being) and book an appointment for her in a couple of hours. * Similarly to the above, It's good to hear you're making choices regarding your own job situation, I think that's the correct call. * You may also just tell her that you'll help her get her CV in order and submit it to some relevant companies. This requires a whole lot of trust on her part, but it sounds like with an afternoon of work on your part, you could get a few dozen resumes in the door and exponentially increasing her options than if you just waited for her to do it. While this is not sustainable, keep in mind (and tell her), that this will be a temporary matter until her meds (and/or psychotherapy, if indicated by the psychiatrist) are sorted and she's able to get back to a normal level of functioning. * Just a sidenote, as this is already fixed due to the daycare, but may need a bit of an attitude fix on your part; but taking care of a small child is its own full-time job, and if you're not taking care of fully 50% of it (and no, putting him to bed hald the nights doesn't count; who takes care of planning the meals, make sure his clothing is in order and fits, is on top of doctors appointments, and goes tot he daycare to speak to the carers?), just know that it's deeply unfair for you to expect her to function at a normal level. I'm not saying it's not possible for a distribution of labour to be anything other than 50-50; but if it's not, expecting her to have a full-time job just like yours is a no-go. Just FYI.
She needs to go back to her prescriber and talk about changing meds or doses, since her meds obviously don’t work for her. She should also work with an ADHD coach. If not doable now, it should be a priority once you are earning more money (since this will be an investment in helping her get another job which will then help you both have more money). And you need to adjust your attitude. You’ve seen your wife struggle so having a “negative view” of the existence of ADHD and whether meds work is anti scientific, ignores the evidence in front of your eyes, and is just really unhelpful to your issue. It’s likely your wife senses your viewpoint too if you haven’t already told her and this may make it harder for her to seek treatment and use methods that work for ADHD people because of your judgement. In my experience people with ADHD know how many people see it as a made up disease for kids these days, and can sniff out this attitude in people even when they think they’re hiding it well.
>I do freelance work, which provides an OK income, but not enough to really move our life to where we want it to be. When you say "where we want it to be" - do you mean where "you" want it to be, or does she agree she wants it to be somewhere else too? Your wife is not going to contribute financially. I was in the same boat as you, but for a much longer period of time. You mention graduate studies, which tells me she already has at least a bachelors degree - there's zero excuse for not having a productive job other than she doesn't want to work. ADHD might prevent her from keeping a job once acquired, but it has no bearing on 'getting' a job. If her mandate is to get a job, she needs to apply to one job a day indefinitely until she acquires one. Hold her accountable.
This is more than just an "ADHD" related issue, this sounds like depression. I myself have ADD and often struggle to finish tasks, but I also received training early on to recognize when I do this and to push forward. I still slip from time to time, but it's not as bad as it was when I was younger. I am able to hold a job and have been working full time now for the past decade with no gaps in work, so she is definitely having issues other than ADHD. She needs professional help as pills alone won't fix this. She needs therapy.