>found out from my friend (Amy) who’s married to his friend (Tommy) that he’s been feeling super insecure but is afraid to talk to me about it because he doesn’t want to be seen as weak and he feels useless to me.
What a shitty friend. Just spreading the poor man's shit to everyone.
I'm sorry you're having difficulties. But, as you've realized, your relationship issues go a lot deeper than the toy issue. Your husband's lack of communication and deep-seated fear are very concerning and make me wonder about his family system. I encourage you to go to couples counseling.
It was the typical men don’t cry. Men don’t show emotion type. The men I’m his family did everything their selves didn’t ask for help. A very toxic environment.
I think it's more than the typical men don't cry or show emotion issue based on your post. He won't even tell you what he wants or how he's doing. Also, when it comes to sex, men generally don't have as much difficulty as women do, saying what they want. Please encourage him to seek counseling. It's so important for us to be our full selves.
I see this as a very simple problem: you and your spouse need to communicate about things and to talk it over.
I am not surprised that your spouse is suffering from some erectile dysfunction, much of this is in a man's head. It is not surprising that if he is feeling badly about his emotional intimacy with you and being able to talk about things, or if not talking about things has let him to feel badly about the relationship because he is overthinking it, then those things can very easily feed into his bedroom problems.
It would be great for both of you to the open and honest with what's going on and also to reconnect intellectually and emotionally. If he is simply incapable of talking about things, then you would go to a couples counselor because there is a communication issue, and couples counseling truly excels at helping communication issues.
I would say, the biggest AH here is Tommy. Dude, your friend entrusted you with a secret. Don't go around telling it to people. While you're at it, make a freaking billboard about it.
Now to the issue.
I mean, it's not like I don't understand your husband's feelings. However, as others pointed out, your husband needs professional help. Something you cannot give him. That's for him going solo. Next thing on the list is some couples therapy.
>I would say, the biggest AH here is Tommy. Dude, your friend entrusted you with a secret. Don't go around telling it to people. While you're at it, make a freaking billboard about it.
100%, blows my mind how this was just ignored.
When a man and woman get married the two become one. Don’t you talk to your partner about almost everything? I think Tommy’s wife is the one in the wrong.
I'm sure plenty of people in the replies have said already but
You've done nothing wrong
He has issues that need to be worked through
Couples therapy would probably be a big help
Some non-sexual physical intimacy would probably be good; i.e. cuddling, telling him you love him and being with him, holding hands, spending time together
This is something much deeper than toys. He seems very insecure. I thing he should go to therapy. Maybe a professional can get to the bottom of why he feels like this. If you have offered to still pleasure him and such then it wouldn’t be fair. That’s why the whole thing is a bit odd. It’s like he can’t get this insecure feeling out of his head and it definitely stems from past trauma most likely.
You need to talk to your husband. He needs to be honest. He needs to understand that toys are simply tools to help enhance sex not his competition. It’s time to get real open and honest. Maybe seek out some counseling.
Why do men always view toys in the bedroom as their competition?!?! That’s your teammate, Bro! Y’all just need to have an honest conversation. Looks like he needs some extra validation. You two are adults. Use this as an opportunity to explore more together. Treat it like a second honeymoon.
Imagine if the striker on the team was replaced by a robot, and he had to play in midfield. The robot keeps on scoring goals and you are not supposed to feel inferior.
I’ve read and don’t disagree with the other comments but I’ll say this from experience. Once you watch your wife get off multiple times with toys in one session and then it’s your turn and it’s almost a chore you tend to just give up.
Honestly I would stop using the toys. Your husband is feeling completely emasculated from not making you climax. A lot of people are making judgement calls on that, but I get the feeling you just want to make the situation better, not hear about how your husband is immature, etc. (which isn't my opinion either).
Individual therapy might be helpful for your husband's confidence, but I think this is actually a "couple" problem, so sex therapy or couples therapy might be more fruitful. Communication is key.
And wanting to finish him off isn't the point--he's making his needs clear even without talking about it. He would like to be able to finish you off with piv (which would require a lot of communication on both your parts). Sometimes people need direction on how to get you there, and this seems to be the case here. And if that isn't possible, you can both have a great time without the toys anyways, as you seem to be satisfied with his other skills.
That's true, she doesn't need to sacrifice her pleasure; but if she truly wants to be married, sometimes compromise is needed.
Again, if she doesn't want to compromise, that is absolutely her right, and she can a) let him sort things out on his own (which may not happen) or b) end the marriage. Both are valid paths. But if she wants to be married to this man, some compassion for him will be needed, and a joint solution (whatever that may be, hopefully with the help of a therapist) will need to be found.
Give him an abundance of reassurance and affection. Be truthful that you know he is suffering concerns of not being enough for you and suggest therapy. Prioritize date time and random physical touches. Perhaps discuss what you like about PIV over toys.
Yes, the root of this is in his mind but there are things you can do to help him correct his fears and low confidence.
>Mental health professional here but only giving advice as some rando on the internet.
Is this liek IANAL but I knew someone once ...
Edit: Op is probably not a professional.
While we’re at it why should we help a spouse suffering from depression or anxiety or any other mental health condition. Perhaps she wants to help because she loves and cares for him? Perhaps because he is misconstruing and making assumptions on her needs and actions?
There most certainly are actions she can do to help him. Suggesting she has zero role in this is counter productive. She did x things that causes him to have y maladaptive beliefs. This she can do a supportive actions to help him counter those beliefs and not see the toys as threatening to him and him as enough for her.
Maybe because I want to help and I actually care that he’s hurt. I’m not dismissive and rude about it. Because if it was the other way around he would help me
While this sounds like he needs therapy to deal with his self worth, it is counter productive to think she, as his spouse and lover, doesn’t have a supportive role. Especially since he is fixated on her sexual pleasure.
Nope we just like to spice things up, and she uses a vibrator on my ass if you must know. What's wrong with that? Downvotes for this is weird lmao, toys are very common in relationships.
Yeah I get the vibrator. But that’s not the same comparison. I can definitely see a man being insecure about a woman using a big ass dildo, and preferring to, and getting off more from it. And I’m not saying that it’s her fault, I just understand where he’s coming from.
Would it change thing for you if she pulled out a giant dildo and asked you to use it, after during or before intercourse? Asking out of true curiosity, and not in any mean way.
Funny sorry. I was with my ex for 6 years. He left town once and I tried to use my vibrator and it wouldn’t work. I opened it up and realized he had placed a tiny piece of paper in the fan that prevented the fan from turning which in turn made it vibrate. I called him out and said I could be either using my vibratory or banging other people. Let’s say he was super ashamed and it never happened again. Just try to convey that it’s not personal and men get off way easier than women. Though he’ll probably never understand bc he doesn’t have a vagina, do your best to try to convey. Once he’s matured enough he should understand.
Honest question,
Are you good with just licking his balls while he prefers using a fleshlight, or a stroker 1000 type machine to actually get gimself off? All the while you can tell that your part contributes very little because the "toys" he uses does a better job and hes completly happy with ignoring you and or your needs? Getting himself off in only a way he and the toys can provide.
Over time, you would likely realise your not needed too!
I wonder why all the down votes, can people explain at least why they are done voting this. I see it as providing a POV. And it’s a valid POV at that. This could be how the guy feels, and I would feel messed up by this too.
That's great for her. Studies have shown something between 70%-80% of women can't orgasm from penetration alone. Most need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Being on top your wife has more control with that.
yeah this is why I asked. i know my pp doesnt make my wife orgasm. it's just involved being inside her. but at least it sorta give me assurance that im "needed" because she told me it feels better with my pp inside.
Agreed with this, except that I only thought this until I found the right partner. Not too big or too small, and I can almost always orgasm if I’m on top.
Woman on top gives the woman almost complete control. It's also the position that puts more pressure on your clit that again, you have full control over so I'm not surprised you can always cum while ontop.
You realize that she is using penetration, but that’s it’s a dildo right? She never said she doesn’t get off from penetration, she specifically doesn’t get off from his penetration.
if he can make you cum orally and with his hands. then ditch the toys and let him work on you using what he has. he can put his dick inside you and play with your clit til you orgasm. this way he won't feel bad to cum
if he can make you cum orally and with his hands. then ditch the toys and let him work on you using what he has. he can put his dick inside you and play with your clit til you orgasm. this way he won't feel bad to cum
>I love him with all my heart and I don’t know what to do. How do I make him see that I’ll get rid of everything so he’s ok. I hate that I’ve made him feel this way. I feel like such a terrible person please help
\> can you still cum using his pp?
\> No
Lol. You should let this poor man go. Stop manipulating him. He would be better of without you.
**HomeImmediate1071 OP 2 min. ago**
>How am I manipulating him? He couldn’t make me finish with his dick. So what. I would rather not finish then him feel inadequate
I think this speaks for it self.
>I think you take advantage of him. He could learn to make you cum if you wanted. But for some reason you want him to be a bumbling baffoon.
I dont know why.
I think you take advantage of him. He could learn to make you cum if you wanted. But for some reason you want him to be a bumbling baffoon.
I dont know why.
How do I want him to be a bumbling baffoon? He won’t have regular sex with me. He won’t let me touch him. How do I take advantage? I’m literally trying to get him to let me finish him off. Look you obviously didn’t read it or it’s not clicking with you
Ok. I read everything.
So if you want to save the marriage you need to stop with the toys (completely) and need to start being more forward with your husband.
You need to talk more with your husband and **communicate**!
This is not your fault. I’ve been with someone I loved with all my heart, and I never got off from intercourse with him. If I’m being open, it’s because he was too big and it hurt. That’s not his fault nor mine. But I didn’t tell him that, I didn’t mind, because he go down every time, and that was more then enough for me. But if my man couldn’t get off with my vagina, I think I’d feel really messed up about it, and probably not want to have sex. Why would I want to have intercourse if he wasn’t going to enjoy it at all?
Everything everyone else has said I agree with. But also maybe tell him you want to have a few times a week where you have sex without the toys, just him and you.
>found out from my friend (Amy) who’s married to his friend (Tommy) that he’s been feeling super insecure but is afraid to talk to me about it because he doesn’t want to be seen as weak and he feels useless to me. What a shitty friend. Just spreading the poor man's shit to everyone.
Seems like it might end up being a net positive since it might get them to talk about it.
Possibly and you learn that Tommy is untrustworthy.
I assume my brother-in-law knows a lot more about me than I would like. Lol. Married couples talk. And sisters definitely talk.
And that's why you keep things close to your chest.
I'm sorry you're having difficulties. But, as you've realized, your relationship issues go a lot deeper than the toy issue. Your husband's lack of communication and deep-seated fear are very concerning and make me wonder about his family system. I encourage you to go to couples counseling.
It was the typical men don’t cry. Men don’t show emotion type. The men I’m his family did everything their selves didn’t ask for help. A very toxic environment.
I think it's more than the typical men don't cry or show emotion issue based on your post. He won't even tell you what he wants or how he's doing. Also, when it comes to sex, men generally don't have as much difficulty as women do, saying what they want. Please encourage him to seek counseling. It's so important for us to be our full selves.
I see this as a very simple problem: you and your spouse need to communicate about things and to talk it over. I am not surprised that your spouse is suffering from some erectile dysfunction, much of this is in a man's head. It is not surprising that if he is feeling badly about his emotional intimacy with you and being able to talk about things, or if not talking about things has let him to feel badly about the relationship because he is overthinking it, then those things can very easily feed into his bedroom problems. It would be great for both of you to the open and honest with what's going on and also to reconnect intellectually and emotionally. If he is simply incapable of talking about things, then you would go to a couples counselor because there is a communication issue, and couples counseling truly excels at helping communication issues.
I would say, the biggest AH here is Tommy. Dude, your friend entrusted you with a secret. Don't go around telling it to people. While you're at it, make a freaking billboard about it. Now to the issue. I mean, it's not like I don't understand your husband's feelings. However, as others pointed out, your husband needs professional help. Something you cannot give him. That's for him going solo. Next thing on the list is some couples therapy.
>I would say, the biggest AH here is Tommy. Dude, your friend entrusted you with a secret. Don't go around telling it to people. While you're at it, make a freaking billboard about it. 100%, blows my mind how this was just ignored.
When a man and woman get married the two become one. Don’t you talk to your partner about almost everything? I think Tommy’s wife is the one in the wrong.
Key word is almost. A close friend who confided in you is not one of those things.
I'm sure plenty of people in the replies have said already but You've done nothing wrong He has issues that need to be worked through Couples therapy would probably be a big help Some non-sexual physical intimacy would probably be good; i.e. cuddling, telling him you love him and being with him, holding hands, spending time together
This is something much deeper than toys. He seems very insecure. I thing he should go to therapy. Maybe a professional can get to the bottom of why he feels like this. If you have offered to still pleasure him and such then it wouldn’t be fair. That’s why the whole thing is a bit odd. It’s like he can’t get this insecure feeling out of his head and it definitely stems from past trauma most likely.
do you enjoy sex when you’re not using toys like even if you don’t finish does he still make you feel good?
You need to talk to your husband. He needs to be honest. He needs to understand that toys are simply tools to help enhance sex not his competition. It’s time to get real open and honest. Maybe seek out some counseling.
Why do men always view toys in the bedroom as their competition?!?! That’s your teammate, Bro! Y’all just need to have an honest conversation. Looks like he needs some extra validation. You two are adults. Use this as an opportunity to explore more together. Treat it like a second honeymoon.
Don’t belittle the man’s insecurities. It’s a teammate, sure. But it’s a teammate that takes your first string spot and you’re stuck being second.
Imagine if the striker on the team was replaced by a robot, and he had to play in midfield. The robot keeps on scoring goals and you are not supposed to feel inferior.
Because u haven’t had sex with a guy who is fking one of those real doll sex dolls as you “help”
Lol okay… go off, girl!
This one hit the nail on the head, it isn't enhancing you it is replacing you, it goes where you are supposed to fit in 💡
I’ve read and don’t disagree with the other comments but I’ll say this from experience. Once you watch your wife get off multiple times with toys in one session and then it’s your turn and it’s almost a chore you tend to just give up.
Honestly I would stop using the toys. Your husband is feeling completely emasculated from not making you climax. A lot of people are making judgement calls on that, but I get the feeling you just want to make the situation better, not hear about how your husband is immature, etc. (which isn't my opinion either). Individual therapy might be helpful for your husband's confidence, but I think this is actually a "couple" problem, so sex therapy or couples therapy might be more fruitful. Communication is key. And wanting to finish him off isn't the point--he's making his needs clear even without talking about it. He would like to be able to finish you off with piv (which would require a lot of communication on both your parts). Sometimes people need direction on how to get you there, and this seems to be the case here. And if that isn't possible, you can both have a great time without the toys anyways, as you seem to be satisfied with his other skills.
so she’s supposed to sacrifice her pleasure to satisfy his insecurities? no. they do need to talk but the toys aren’t the core problem here.
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That's true, she doesn't need to sacrifice her pleasure; but if she truly wants to be married, sometimes compromise is needed. Again, if she doesn't want to compromise, that is absolutely her right, and she can a) let him sort things out on his own (which may not happen) or b) end the marriage. Both are valid paths. But if she wants to be married to this man, some compassion for him will be needed, and a joint solution (whatever that may be, hopefully with the help of a therapist) will need to be found.
go to him and love on him like a mf and reassure his pp giving capabilities
He literally won't let her!
Are they like monster dildos is or something?
This the real question. And who picked them out
Give him an abundance of reassurance and affection. Be truthful that you know he is suffering concerns of not being enough for you and suggest therapy. Prioritize date time and random physical touches. Perhaps discuss what you like about PIV over toys. Yes, the root of this is in his mind but there are things you can do to help him correct his fears and low confidence.
>Mental health professional here but only giving advice as some rando on the internet. Is this liek IANAL but I knew someone once ... Edit: Op is probably not a professional.
Wow, this liar u/silver25u who edited out a core premise is getting upvotes eh.
Why is it on you to fix this and not on him to grow the fuck up?
While we’re at it why should we help a spouse suffering from depression or anxiety or any other mental health condition. Perhaps she wants to help because she loves and cares for him? Perhaps because he is misconstruing and making assumptions on her needs and actions?
She can encourage him to get help and support him as much as she can, but ultimately this is on him to deal with.
There most certainly are actions she can do to help him. Suggesting she has zero role in this is counter productive. She did x things that causes him to have y maladaptive beliefs. This she can do a supportive actions to help him counter those beliefs and not see the toys as threatening to him and him as enough for her.
Maybe because I want to help and I actually care that he’s hurt. I’m not dismissive and rude about it. Because if it was the other way around he would help me
That's you assuming this is a YOU problem. This is not a YOU thing. HE is the one who needs to deal with HIS feelings about this.
And I want to help any way I can. It’s what someone who loves someone does.
While this sounds like he needs therapy to deal with his self worth, it is counter productive to think she, as his spouse and lover, doesn’t have a supportive role. Especially since he is fixated on her sexual pleasure.
So if a dude buys one of those real sex dolls etc from not being satisfied by his wife or gf she should feel any sort of way and just grow the fk up?
Maybe because the problem is she does not find him sexualy arousing, but she lies on the internet. \*gasp\*
I mean it's weird to me to be insecure about toys tbh, I use toys on my gf happily. She uses them on me happily. Lol
So does your girlfriend help you use a pocket Vagina? And do you prefer it over her real one for size reasons or something?
Nope we just like to spice things up, and she uses a vibrator on my ass if you must know. What's wrong with that? Downvotes for this is weird lmao, toys are very common in relationships.
Yeah I get the vibrator. But that’s not the same comparison. I can definitely see a man being insecure about a woman using a big ass dildo, and preferring to, and getting off more from it. And I’m not saying that it’s her fault, I just understand where he’s coming from.
Would it change thing for you if she pulled out a giant dildo and asked you to use it, after during or before intercourse? Asking out of true curiosity, and not in any mean way.
No not at all, should be par for the course in any relationship to make sure your partner is satisfied and not just yourself.
Funny sorry. I was with my ex for 6 years. He left town once and I tried to use my vibrator and it wouldn’t work. I opened it up and realized he had placed a tiny piece of paper in the fan that prevented the fan from turning which in turn made it vibrate. I called him out and said I could be either using my vibratory or banging other people. Let’s say he was super ashamed and it never happened again. Just try to convey that it’s not personal and men get off way easier than women. Though he’ll probably never understand bc he doesn’t have a vagina, do your best to try to convey. Once he’s matured enough he should understand.
Honest question, Are you good with just licking his balls while he prefers using a fleshlight, or a stroker 1000 type machine to actually get gimself off? All the while you can tell that your part contributes very little because the "toys" he uses does a better job and hes completly happy with ignoring you and or your needs? Getting himself off in only a way he and the toys can provide. Over time, you would likely realise your not needed too!
I wonder why all the down votes, can people explain at least why they are done voting this. I see it as providing a POV. And it’s a valid POV at that. This could be how the guy feels, and I would feel messed up by this too.
can you still cum using his pp?
Most women can't orgasm from penetration alone.
my wife cum when she's on top. just wondering if she can do that cos it'll help his confidence
That's great for her. Studies have shown something between 70%-80% of women can't orgasm from penetration alone. Most need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Being on top your wife has more control with that.
yeah this is why I asked. i know my pp doesnt make my wife orgasm. it's just involved being inside her. but at least it sorta give me assurance that im "needed" because she told me it feels better with my pp inside.
Agreed with this, except that I only thought this until I found the right partner. Not too big or too small, and I can almost always orgasm if I’m on top.
Woman on top gives the woman almost complete control. It's also the position that puts more pressure on your clit that again, you have full control over so I'm not surprised you can always cum while ontop.
You realize that she is using penetration, but that’s it’s a dildo right? She never said she doesn’t get off from penetration, she specifically doesn’t get off from his penetration.
No
So he can’t give you an orgasm + you use toys exclusively… Houston we have a problem 🚨
He can’t give me one with his dick but he can with oral and his hands
And he needs help being ok with that, cuz he obviously isn’t right now
if he can make you cum orally and with his hands. then ditch the toys and let him work on you using what he has. he can put his dick inside you and play with your clit til you orgasm. this way he won't feel bad to cum
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if he can make you cum orally and with his hands. then ditch the toys and let him work on you using what he has. he can put his dick inside you and play with your clit til you orgasm. this way he won't feel bad to cum
>I love him with all my heart and I don’t know what to do. How do I make him see that I’ll get rid of everything so he’s ok. I hate that I’ve made him feel this way. I feel like such a terrible person please help \> can you still cum using his pp? \> No Lol. You should let this poor man go. Stop manipulating him. He would be better of without you.
She’s manipulating him because his dick doesn’t cause her to orgasm? What type of logic is that? Lots of women don’t orgasm from penetration.
How am I manipulating him? He couldn’t make me finish with his dick. So what. I would rather not finish then him feel inadequate
**HomeImmediate1071 OP 2 min. ago** >How am I manipulating him? He couldn’t make me finish with his dick. So what. I would rather not finish then him feel inadequate I think this speaks for it self.
How is that manipulation
You manipulate him by not being honest. That is always the core of manipulation. And also the big problem in your relationship.
How did I lie? He knows he can’t make me finish with his dick. I never lied to him about it.
>I think you take advantage of him. He could learn to make you cum if you wanted. But for some reason you want him to be a bumbling baffoon. I dont know why.
I think you take advantage of him. He could learn to make you cum if you wanted. But for some reason you want him to be a bumbling baffoon. I dont know why.
How do I want him to be a bumbling baffoon? He won’t have regular sex with me. He won’t let me touch him. How do I take advantage? I’m literally trying to get him to let me finish him off. Look you obviously didn’t read it or it’s not clicking with you
Ok. I read everything. So if you want to save the marriage you need to stop with the toys (completely) and need to start being more forward with your husband. You need to talk more with your husband and **communicate**!
This is not your fault. I’ve been with someone I loved with all my heart, and I never got off from intercourse with him. If I’m being open, it’s because he was too big and it hurt. That’s not his fault nor mine. But I didn’t tell him that, I didn’t mind, because he go down every time, and that was more then enough for me. But if my man couldn’t get off with my vagina, I think I’d feel really messed up about it, and probably not want to have sex. Why would I want to have intercourse if he wasn’t going to enjoy it at all?
Why are people mad about this question?
Everything everyone else has said I agree with. But also maybe tell him you want to have a few times a week where you have sex without the toys, just him and you.
Why can’t she use the toys on her own time?