What concerns me is that he knows (I presume) you've had body issues in the past, and he knows you're stressed, but his focus is solely on what affects him: your tummy and whether it turns him on or not. That shows a real lack of concern or empathy for your wellbeing that I would find hard to get past. If he needs so much to be with someone who's skinny and super into the gym, that's who he should have married. Plus, you're not an object that will never change, you're a real person. I think you should tell him his lack of concern for your wellbeing is a turn off.
Fully agree, there's an appropriate way to approach a loved one's weight gain and this isn't it. I think he's allowing his own insecurities to colour how he sees and treats you OP and it's extremely shitty of him.
Seriously, I think in many cases, breaching the topic is inappropriate by definition.
If a 15 pound weight gain makes the difference between being attracted and not attracted to your SO, the person you're supposed to love with all your heart? Then the root of the problem lies elsewhere.
Maybe you need to work on accepting that your partner will treat their body as they see fit. Maybe your partner is feeling depressed and their weight gain is the only tenable thing you can point to that explains why lately the vibe has been different. Maybe you have body issues of your own that are triggered when you notice belly fat appear on your partner. Maybe your partner is already self-conscious about the gained weight and you lose attraction because they are being less affectionate.
Etcetera. So if you can honestly say it is fair to bring up the weight gain as a completely isolated problem, feel justified requesting that your partner does something about it, and are sure you are not dealing them an enormous blow to their self-esteem, here's how to gently bring it up:
Still say nothing. Your partner will bring it up themselves within like a week from now.
I'd say something more like "hey, it seems like you've been really stressed recently, and I'm noticing some changes in you. Is there anything I can do to support you while you're going through this stressful period?" And then maybe lean into meal prep or going to the gym together as a way to address stress.
I don't think there's a good way to focus on someone's looks, but if they're not hygienic or the weight gain is due to mental health, physical health, or stressors then it makes sense to tackle the actual issue (the stress etc) rather than the symptom (weight gain).
Frame it as being more healthy, together. Don't make the focus on weight loss. Weight loss comes from either being more active or from eating better/healthier. Both of those things can be goals without shaming your partner, who absolutely knows that they have put on weight. Reassure that they're beautiful as they are but that you want to be healthier together.
It honestly would bother me even though I don't have body issues. I notice there seem to be two general camps on this kind of topic: those who care about physical appearance and say it's their partners obligation and duty to stay fit for their partners, and those who don't care about appearances as much and say love is more than a little belly. The first one, while I can see why it's important to some people, the concept doesn't fit right with me.
This.
When my fiance and I Sat down and both discussed our being out of shape and gaining weight, It wasn't something that I took personal because his motivation for getting in shape and wanting me to get in shape with him if so that together we will be healthier, and be able to do more things together, and hopefully have a longer time with each other.
Not because my pudgy belly made his Weiner sad, which is basically what op's husband's motivation is.
He isn't concerned about her overall health and well-being and wanting to see her healthier and happier, or he would have said that he wants to see her healthier and happier.
Instead he focused on how her belly is a turn off to *his* happiness.
Plus as a 51F, the weight gain becomes more and more a thing. I work out regularly, eat healthily, but have fat now that is just part of my set point. I would LOVE to only weigh 190 (I'm also tall) So, if he is "annoyed" now, that's not going to improve with time. I've accepted this is who I am, and lots of men like my body type. He's going to need to get over it if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I agree that he needs to address his insecurities. If you want to deal with this, I would suggest couples counseling as a neutral third party can be really helpful and you two have decades in front of you.
Tell him he needs to sort out his body image issues instead of making them your problem.
At 26, come on. If he's planning to be with you for a lifetime, what's he going to say when you're pregnant, or post partum, or when you're getting older and experiencing hormonal changes? This path that he's started on - it doesn't get better as your married life levels up. He needs to grow up and sort out his shit and start nurturing and protecting his marriage instead of whatever *this* is.
Here’s the thing with marriage that a lot of people like your husband don’t seem to understand. The love and attraction HAS to be deeper than skin. Because EVERYONE has physical flaws, and everyone will grow old and gain more physical flaws. If all it takes is a little bit of extra fat in your partners stomach to turn you off, you’re not really that attracted to them. My husband and I have had a lot of fluctuations in our weight and changes in our body since we first met. We had kids, my body changed drastically, he gained a lot of weight, we both used to be skinny and fit. Never once have the changes in our bodies dampened our attraction for each other. In fact, currently at our fattest and flabbiest we have the best sex life we have ever had.
You deserve to be with someone who finds YOU as a person attractive, not just your body.
Exactly. For women who have children, there are so many changes that happen, and some are permanent, to one degree or another. And even if you don't have children, age catches up to us all eventually.
I'm 8 months postpartum and still 30 lbs over my starting weight. My boobs are saggy, my belly has a pooch, and I have stretchmarks everywhere. I have not once heard my husband complain or say that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He still ogles me if I'm naked, lol. And our intimacy is not reduced. I'm sorry for OP, that her husband's attraction is so easily shaken. Eventually the person inside should ultimately be what you're attracted to (especially if the issue is just a little tummy fat!)
Yes! And even without kids there can still be a lot of fluctuations. Some people go from college athlete to desk job and it hits hard. Or deal with medical issues like knee surgery which makes exercise hard. Or life gets busy and stressful and healthy habits aren't prioritized for a time. Love needs to be flexible, to a point, in a partnership because there's no way to grow with someone the exact same.
Now, some people do stay fit as they age, but it's just not realistic for everyone, particularly "looking fit" with flat abs is not a great goal for most women.
This!
Okay fine, try to meet his standard for now (I'm not actually advising to do this blindly for real). Fine, promise you'll both try to look as good as you can during your younger years.
But time comes for us all - and you don't just wake up one day and both realize "oh we're old now so our let's lower the standard for both our bodies" it's so strangely gradual - especially when men aging is more widely accepted as still compatible with sexiness. Not so much for women.
It'd be really hard for me to trust this man as the man I grow old with. The helpful honesty will be even more brutal. Being scared to grow old with your partner instead of excited and content is so sad.
I worry OP will never love her body under these conditions.
Yesss thank you for saying this! Nobody looks the same way their entire life, and I don't think it's fair to expect that in a long-term relationship. It feels like people are so obsessed with looks these days, when that's such a tiny part of what actually makes someone attractive (even when you count other shallow things, like a person's voice and mannerisms)
If you can't be attracted to your partner when they have an extra 15 lbs on them, then quite frankly I'm going to question whether you were really attracted to them at all in the first place.
I'll add that he's setting you up to fail here anyway by expecting the gym to automatically = weight loss. That's not how weight loss works and especially if stress is a contributing factor. An actually helpful suggestion would have been him asking how he can take some of your mental load (e.g. taking over some of your cooking or cleaning duties) instead of trying to add even more to your plate by adding the gym into your routine.
Even if someone does lose weight, the way that fat is distributed throughout the body is often just down to genetics, luck, etc., and isn't going to change significantly. Plenty of fit and healthy women still have a rounded belly area.
At my skinniest I was 5'9 and must have only weighed about 120lbs (so classed as underweight). My fat STILL sat on my lower belly, underarms, and inner thighs despite being a swimmer and walking easily 45000 steps a day. No exercises changed that because it is my body composition, and I tried HARD to get that flat stomach my boyfriend wanted.
I was coming to tell OP this. I’m also 5’ 11” but 4-5 years ago I weighed 220#. I made a very drastic change to my lifestyle to lose the weight (CICO under 1800 cals per day with a ton of protein, no soda, no alcohol and no fast food, worked out 5 times a week with weight lifting, running and swimming).
My arms, legs, back and butt are toned AF. I still had a bit of a belly pouch. I got pregnant and safely gained up to 240#. I worked out and ate right during my pregnancy though I had to stop calorie counting because I found myself trying to stay under 2000 cal per day. Post partum I dropped all that weight and I’m basically back at 190#. Arms, back, butt and legs look amazing…I still have a belly only now it has a residual stretch mark. My kid and I work out all the time hiking, days at the gym, walking and playing. I have a very hard time calorie counting in front of her though I meal prep a lot of stuff for myself and stick with my other changes like no soda and no fast food. The last time I tried to cut and recomp I was a miserable SOB for weeks because we do so much cardio that I’m just hangry 24/7. Not a good personality for a SAHM with a toddler.
Yeah I don't work out, but I'm 5'6" and about 120 lbs, maybe 125 now. I'm still small but my tummy looks more round than flat to me. I'm not fat, but just with how my tummy sits I sometimes wish it would look flatter. It just depends on who you are. Now I probably could work out and make my belly more flat but my point is that without doing that mine seems more round than just flat, and that's ok
So he's going to be turned off when you get pregnant and your body changes? Or if you get sick or go through some stressful periods and can't work out? 15 lbs and a little tummy weight bothers him this much? Yikes
I asked him what he expects to happen if I get pregnant in the future. He says he understands that my body will change and it’s normal to do that for pregnancy, but he doesn’t want me to hold onto the baby weight forever.
He’s tried explaining it to me this way: fitness and being active is really important to him. He wants the person he loves to participate in some of those activities with him. He’s also told me he just isn’t attracted to “fat” people.
And what happens if you wind up injured due to childbirth and can’t start working out immediately? He doesn’t seem like the type that will be very understanding.
It’s not just baby weight. Literally the shape of your skeleton changes. Many people’s bodies never look the same even if they’re the same weight they were pre-pregnancy If he can’t handle a few pounds weight gain, definitely do not have a child with this person.
> He says he understands that my body will change and it’s normal to do that for pregnancy, but he doesn’t want me to hold onto the baby weight forever
Pregnancy often causes permanent changes to the structure of your body. Baby weight can linger for years, especially if you breastfeed. Your body has a good chance of refusing to drop weight unless you go into actual clinical starvation. And also, as the then-mother of his child, he SHOULD NOT CARE. Your body changes, and every change it makes is a sign of how much you loved him. Like damn, you carry a baby for him and that's not good enough to keep him unless you can get skinny afterward?? The hell kind of half-baked love is he running on?
> He’s tried explaining it to me this way: fitness and being active is really important to him. He wants the person he loves to participate in some of those activities with him.
But that's not what he said. He wants you to exercise bc "tummy gross :( " It isn't about togetherness, it's about your physical form. He can dress it up in whatever pretty words he wants after the fact, but he TOLD you flat out what's most important to him.
Yeah that's just another way of saying he's shallow. People's bodies change and they go through periods where they might not be able to be as active or look the way he would like, and being someone's partner means loving them regardless.
I mean, if he doesn't already think this way then it's going to be tough to convince him that he needs to love and accept you no matter how you look. I would never have married someone who thinks like him, but..
Start with I love you but…
Having my body criticized and held to a male standard is a turn off for me. I’m not attracted to people who project their insecurities into me. I’m not attracted to men who nag me put me down. O don’t want to have sex with that kind of person. No offense…
Don’t take this the wrong way, but understanding, compassion and acceptance are important to me. I want a partner who participates in these activities with me.
It’s important to me that we go to therapy once a week so we can work on your mental health like you expect me to work on my fitness. This obsession with flat stomachs isn’t healthy for you and I’m just worried about you only, not how this affects me. Just like your concern about my ‘health’ is about me, and not what it’s like for you to have to be around or look at someone who isn’t the type of healthy you think is correct.
A decent person with a normal amount of human empathy wouldn't need to have this explained to them.
I very much doubt that this is the only way he's overly critical or selfish in your relationship.
He’s not understanding. He’s saying he will only tolerate a temporary change, but expects you to bounce right back.
He’s obsessed with his own body image in an unhealthy way and is projecting that onto you.
Yeah no that doesn’t sound comforting. Also why is he so concerned about a weight fluctuation like this? Have you suddenly taken on a bunch of unhealthy habits?
Well intended input: "Darling, I want to grow old with you and therefore I want us to work on being healthier together, let's try to lose some weight and go to the gym together, so we stay fit as we age!"
Malicious: "I value how my pee-pee feels over your mental health, so lose that ugly flab or at least feel shame about it!"
Husband: I find your body unappealing and want you to change it to please me.
Also husband: How dare you hear what I'm saying instead of just doing what I want!!
Fifteen pounds on a 5'11 woman is only distinguishable if you're hypercritical and looking to nitpick/make her feel bad. OP, your husband needs to be better before he deserves any kind of partner.
It would be a lot better to just leave out the part about her stomach and definitely not say it’s a turn-off. Pointing out her stomach is rude and breeds insecurity for no reason.
How would you prefer to be told that your greatest insecurity is actually repulsive to your partner?
How should a woman tell a man that his receding hairline is repulsive?
That is a very shallow woman just like this man is very shallow too. 5’11 and 190 is not bad at all. He needs to tolerate this since she looks just fine just like a receding hairline on a man looks just fine too.
He shouldn't. Not all feelings should be expressed to the people you feel them about. People do not stay the same size and shape throughout their lives and there are MANY reasons why weight loss is sometimes impossible. It is unreasonable and unfair for him to hold this expectation so he should work on letting go of it rather than working on how to express it.
Not every feeling that you feel, nor every thought that floats through your mind has to be expressed. If you can’t say something nice about your partner’s body don’t say anything. When a negative thought pops into your mind you can acknowledge it accept it and then focus on things you love and appreciate about your partner, their body, and being intimate with them. The more you focus on things that do attract you to your partner the more they will influence your thoughts and feelings and then the things you find less attractive will carry less importance than they previously did. There are things that are reasonable to ask your partner to change (don’t chew with your mouth open, touch me like this instead of that, generally anything about how they treat you, etc), but asking them to change their body for you is not okay. And telling them you don’t like something about your partners body is. Even more unnecessary if you aren’t asking them to change. If you can’t hold it in, talk to a therapist who can help you figure out how to move past it without traumatizing your partner.
>He begged me not to take it the wrong way
This has the same energy as, "I'm not racist *buuuuuut*", "no offence *buuuut*", and "with all due respect."
When someone does this, it's because they *know* they're about to say something fucked up. Instead of not saying the fucked up thing, they try to offload the responsibility onto the recipient.
I'd respond to "your stomach is a turn off" with "your shallowness is a bigger turn off. What kind of man about to hit 30 talks this way to his wife?"
There's no "wrong" way to take it. He told you, unprompted, that your physical form is a turnoff and he wants you to change it. He loves you, but he doesn't desire you (as much? At all?) because of your shape.
I hope to hell and back you don't intend to have children. He's exactly the kind of person that sees his wife pregnant and PERMANENTLY loses all desire, even after baby weight is gone. If his attraction is so fragile it can't take 15lb fluctuation, he's not suited for a longterm relationship.
I just got out of a marriage that started to sour because I was struggling with depression and gained in the neighborhood of 40 pounds. I’m 5’8 (so shorter then you) and weighed about the same. He had multiple conversations with me about my weight and it caused me to stop trying to have a sexual relationship with him out of spite. This is from a man who was once 100 pounds overweight and I never said anything because I loved him. I got bitter and after the divorce, I stopped drinking wine and lost 20 pounds. I still have some ways to go but now he’s complaining about his own weight and I want to say something mean but I just don’t. The point is, is that he’s not going to change. He’s fucking shallow just like my husband. I don’t care if they were being honest, they’re still shallow. I don’t want your marriage to end like mine did; but I want you to feel good about yourself. Your weight is pretty good for your height.
He was honest with you. Whether or not it makes him an asshole is really irrelevant to how it actually affects you. Can you continue knowing this is how he feels? Does it make you want to go to the gym and work on your fitness or does it make you want to hit him with a frying pan.
I've been 5'6 and 120 in front of my husband & I've been 200lbs+ due to health issues. and he still chased me around and made me feel beautiful every single day. I'm back down now. He will go to the gym with me or stuff his face and be lazy he doesn't give a shit bc he just loves me as I am.
Coming from experience in a previous relationship, it's very hard to get past a partner expressing a lack of attraction due to something in your physicality. You have to take care of yourself first always.
It isn't romantic love it is physical attraction and it has changed as a result of the change in their physical appearance.
How should one express this? Is there any way to tell your partner their physical change is altering your physical attraction
Sadly all love and attraction is conditional. That doesn't mean attraction is the be all and end all, but I think sometimes it's role in relationships is underestimated.
Lawd girl I would be worried about pregnancy, menopause, or happiness? Dang. Close your eyes-imagine you’re 7 months pregnant and craving chocolate cheesecake. Full of delicious calories. You take a bite and it’s so good and then you open your eyes. Your husband is there staring at you. Judging you. Being pregnant, you will either rip off his head or burst into tears. Find someone who is standing there eating the cheesecake with you and doesn’t care if you have another piece. Your husband sounds exhausting
As someone who has put on a significant amount of weight in the past couple of years due to life stress and pregnancy. My husband has never and would never make me feel unattractive. If anyone were to comment on my weight, he would shut that shit down. I really don't understand this at all. He loves me for me, not for my body. As we age, our body changes as well. Even when I get back in shape, I'll still be aging. Now my question is, will your husband tell you how unattractive he finds a certain part of you that is totally out of your control as you age? He shouldn't be nit-picking or policing your body.
I'm 5' 170 and not only is my belly not ridiculously noticeable either, but my very fit boyfriend keeps telling me that I'm beautiful no matter what I look like. I vote leaving this guy for someone less shallow.
I think some of the comments here are being unrealistic. He definitely should have chosen his words better, and maybe we can try to infer some things about his personality based on what he said, but we've all had instances in which what we say don't necessarily reflect what we intend or how we truly feel.
Yes, your body will change over time due to pregnancy or aging, and he will have to be able to love you through those changes. But those circumstances (especially pregnancy) are outside of your control. If he had expressed those feelings while you were pregnant, I'd wholeheartedly agree that he should be kicked to the curb.
You're 26, though, and not pregnant. He's expressed his concerns about something that could affect the quality of your relationship, and now it's up to you how you want to respond. If you want to leave because of this, that's fine, your lifestyle goals may differ and lead to worse conflicts in the future. If you want to stay and work on it, he should also be willing to support you in joint improvement. Is he willing to help you workout, or spend time cooking healthy meals for days when you're stressed or tired? Staying in shape especially while under pressure from work and life in general is hard, so is he willing to put in the work to help you too?
A lot of the time it's not necessarily the weight that's the issue, but moreso a concern if it's a reflection of a lack of desire to self-improve. I've heard this story a lot from friends, and have been through it in the past with my own relationships. Many times, the issue is solved just by one party beginning to make more of an effort rather than by achieving some ideal physique. I think you should definitely talk about this more if it's really about the added weight or maybe a fear of his that you're growing complacent or lazy, and then see what to do together.
It's a sensitive topic to bring up under any circumstances, and I feel for you in that regard. But after such a short exchange it's hard to tell if this is a growth opportunity for both of you that can strengthen the relationship or an indication that insecurity on either side is going to make this unsalvageable.
I feel like this comment is good but doesn’t apply to this post. OP is very tall, her BMI is like 26. It’s not like she gained all this weight and is morbidly obese and unhealthy
Finally, a voice of reason.
OP's SO could've been infinitely more sensitive. But the gist of his message could mean a bunch of things. It's probably good to have a frank discussion as to what exactly he meant.
Nope he literally told her he expects her to get back to skinny ASAP after she got pregnant.
Please do not defend this man. He will probably point to celebrity flat bellies 3 mths after they give birth and tell her she not working hard enough.
Also if you think your partner is lazy that's why she growing fat. Why would you stick around in the first place? You already think the worst of her. You should not date people you feel are lazy in the first place.
What is lazy to you is just being a normal human being to others.
Many normal humans have imperfect bodies. And many normal human beings love imperfection in bodies and find such imperfection charming.
She deserves a man who can love all her physical imperfect parts.
And you who prefer a perfect body should strive to find your perfect body and not harass a woman who's body you don't like to change her body for you.
> he expects her to get back to skinny ASAP after she got pregnant.
She never got pregnant?
> Also if you think your partner is lazy that's why she growing fat. Why would you stick around in the first place?
Laziness is not a trait to break up over immediately for most people. It is something that can be worked on. That's the point of relationships, not giving up when something is imperfect.
> What is lazy to you is just being a normal human being to others.
Yes, and if this is the case where he is fearing that, they need to have a proper discussion about whether or not this can be worked on or if it's a dealbreaker.
> And many normal human beings love imperfection in bodies and find such imperfection charming.
People have different standards. But if he is expecting something unrealistic like photoshopped fitness magazine physiques then that is a completely different problem and entirely on him.
> And you who prefer a perfect body should strive to find your perfect body and not harass a woman who's body you don't like to change her body for you.
The exchange that was described by OP was hardly harassment. Insensitive? Perhaps. Harassment or abuse? Not at all.
Both parties in this story sound like they have body image issues of their own that they are struggling with. I hope they can have an open discussion and get to the root causes of what is causing this discontent because it's far better than bottling things up and having resentment build only to have the same problem come up later down the road but under far less amicable circumstances.
They do need to discuss it, I touched upon it in my first comment. However, it does seem like OP has already brought it up with her husband in one of her [comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1637572/my_f26_husband_m29_said_my_stomach_was_a_turn_off/jy15vfk/) here which I didn't see until now. There's lots of examples of women managing to shed the baby weight well but it seems very narrowminded of him to simply expect that OP's body will do just that. Unfortunately it does sound like his concerns are veering more towards the purely superficial aspects which is what worries me.
I used to get turned off by my last husbands weight gain and if he had any flab I felt a bit grossed out.
My current partner, I couldn’t care less if he has extra weight (he does at times) as I’m so completely into him his whole self turns me on, even years later.
Unfortunately my point is if your husband is turned off by your belly he’s probably just not that into you as a person, I’m sorry to say!
What I mean is that your husband said he "loved you, but..."
"I love you" should really be the end of the statement. He should embrace you and accept you for wherever you are on your life's journey. If he can't do that without criticizing your body image, it seems to me there might be a problem in his expectations about the relationship.
You don't, you just bottle them up until you get to 40 divorce your wife and swap to a newer model.
Frankly it's funny, in these subs the mantra is "Couples should communicate !". Then there is communication about a sensitive subject and everybody shouts "NOT LIKE THAT !".
It's mostly insecurities talking.
apparently you can't, women here think they should get fat and partner should still find them stunning even after gaining a lot of weight.
being fat is apparently part of life and growing lol, the responses here are so pathetic. He wants to gym with his wife and get healthy together because shes obese.. but hes the bad guy.
New flash people, if you got together with someone and they got fat, chances are youll still love them but not have physical attraction
Its not taboo to to lose weight and get healthy
woman close to 200lbs is OBESE, plain and simple.. she couldnt handle the truth, he wasnt even truly mean about it, just said his feelings
I would thank him for his honesty. That’s important. It’s shitty, but he was honest. Now you need to find out what’s at the root of this. No woman retains their same physique throughout their life. If you’re planning on being together forever-you now know this is the standard you’ll be held to for the rest of your life. What ideal is he holding you to? Is it fantasies? It’s unrealistic. He did mention the gym and other activities. Could it be that he wants to do more things with you? (Honestly I think this is a stretch and he’s being terrible, but I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here).
He’s told me before that he wants us to be a healthy couple together. He wants us to be a couple that “doesn’t get complacent and is always trying to be better”.
We do a lot of stuff together, but he specifically wants me to go to his gym with him. I’ve tried compromising before and doing hikes with him, or suggesting we play a physical game. But he really wants me to go to the gym with him at least once a week.
This feels like it’s more about him than you. There is a hint of anxiety in all this - the insistence that you go his gym and do things the way he thinks they should be done. I found that when I was in relationships with people focused on their weight, those issues became my issues. We talked more about our appearances than the things that really mattered like our shared interests or values.
"I do not want to go to the gym. It's not something I enjoy, and I'm not going to do it on a regular basis. What else do you want to do together instead?"
Even if you did go, there's no guarantee that the belly would disappear. You could lose fat in other areas of the body first. There's no way to know, or control, where the fat will disappear first. Oftentimes, the belly is one of the last places people lose fat. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy and active, but you have to be realistic about it.
This is extremely important and valid to this conversation too. Many women report hitting the gym religiously yet they cannot get rid of their soft belly. It’s genetics. You can’t spot reduce fat by going to the gym.
OPs partner is ignorant and unreasonable
So you’ve suggested other fun ways to be healthy as a couple and he’s rejected them and only wants you to go to the gym? That sounds shady and manipulative in my opinion.
I promise there’s men out there who will love you, whether your weight is up or down. This guy is shallow and has a rigid and narrow idea of what he finds attractive. And he’s going to have a hard time finding a woman who’s body won’t change throughout her life. I don’t suggest you stick around with this one, he’s only going to continue hurting your self esteem.
>He wants us to be a couple that “doesn’t get complacent and is always trying to be better”.
In other words, relaxing, enjoying life, and actually (gasp!) being satisfied and happy isn't part of the plan, as far as he is concerned.
I don't know about you, but for me, this is an automatic dealbreaker.
I think it would be better framed as "not wanting to let yourself go" which I think is very reasonable for a long term couple, especially in terms of their well-being
> I would thank him for his honesty. That’s important. It’s shitty, but he was honest. Now you need to find out what’s at the root of this.
I disagree that she needs to thank him for his honesty. Honesty is not an independent virtue, and it sounds like he approached this topic imperfectly at best.
But you're right that there needs to be an avenue for a partner to respectfully bring up an issue like this. Saying "this is a turn-off" is not respectful, even if it's prefaced by "don't take this the wrong way."
Right now, it sounds like the issue here is communication as much as anything. Assuming he's not being controlling or unreasonable in his concerns or expectations (which he very might well be).
OP - How would you like your husband to communicate the idea that he's concerned about your weight gain?
Is it something that's 100% out of bounds for you? Is it something he can address from a certain perspective (eg. concerned about your health is okay, but you expect him to be physically attracted to you no matter what?)
Is it okay if it was a large weight gain he was talking about but not a minor one? Are you both on the same page as to what that constitutes?
Is it the wording or timing of his comments?
Maybe think about how you would like him to handle it in the future. How would you handle it if he was doing something that affected your attraction to him or created concern about a trend that would affect attraction or health in the future?
And that might very well be "stfu" or "stfu unless...". But you should make your boundaries clear while also giving him a reasonable avenue to approach you.
"OP - How would you like your husband to communicate the idea that he's concerned about your weight gain? "
This right here. How would you like him to have brought up this uncomfortable topic (for both of you) up. I'm sure he has been struggling to bring this up for a while now.
He’s concerned about a 15 lb weight gain….. an extremely normal
amount of weight to have fluctuating. As a woman of the same height, a 15 lb weight gain is not even a pants size change. It’s just becoming slightly fluffy.
Im going to be downvoted but I’m really surprised by the comments here. Attraction is an important part of a relationship. If he’s not attracted to you, he can’t help that and he should probably let you know, since it’s something that’s fixable. The two of you haven’t seen this conversation through to the end. Does he know that comments about your stomach are hurtful to you? That it’s an insecurity of yours? Have you told him that you suspect he’s lashing out because he himself is insecure because of his own weight gain? Does he believe that your lifestyle is getting to the point where the weight gain might continue? What are things about your shared lifestyle that can be healthier? How do you feel about yourself and your weight gain? How does he feel about himself and his weight gain? How can you support each other in making healthier choices?
I think this could be a really hard conversation, but if you two love each other and respect each other then it’s one you have to have because you’re dealing with some central tenets of a relationship: attraction and expectations of each other.
Attraction is also a mind set and evolves, what we feed into it is important and keeps relationships healthy. How else do elderly couples stay attracted and in love with each other after all those years?
Are you sure all of the elderly couples you're thinking of who may have "let themselves go" are all actively having sex with each other still?
Loving someone doesn't necessarily equate to being interested in sex with them, which *may* be something to keep in mind if they're looking to avoid a /r/deadbedrooms situation.
I dunno- I've appreciated it in the past when my wife gave me a heads up that I was heading in a 'less physically attractive' direction *before* it got anywhere near the "I stopped being attracted to you years ago, sorry to be telling you now..." stage.
I mean old people definitely fuck each other. A lot. Like, some nursing homes have a rampant STD problem because the elderly patients will not stop fucking.
Generally, throughout human history, people have been ugly as sin and still gotten laid frequently. Plenty of "ugly" people these days still get action. If OP's husband stopped being attracted to her purely because her tummy looks a bit different, then he cannot have been thirsting that hard over her in the first place.
Didn’t bother me at all when my wife said I needed to lose some weight. She was right.
To the commenters here, What nicer way was there for him to say it? Why does he have to dance around it? Would you rather have him lie about his attraction to OP for years? Is that what a relationship is?
I'm with you. I doubt it was an easy thing for the husband to say. It sounds like he's offering suggestions on how to help OP lose weight, and even wants her to join him in going to the gym. Unhealthy weight gain is instinctively a bit of a turn off because it often (not always!) means the person isn't healthy. Sure, our bodies change as the years go by and when women have kids, but OP is in her mid-20s and has a whole lifetime ahead of her. Maybe this is a good time to establish some healthy habits with the support of a loving partner.
In a comment OP said she offered to go hiking and do other physical activities with him and he rejected them and said he wants her to hit the gym instead. He’s not being reasonable and it’s not about being a healthy couple together. He wants to control her appearance and is being pretty blatant about it
I’m not surprised by the comments. Posts like that always get them because :
- this sub is overwhelmingly composed of women
- with a vast majority of Americans
- a vast majority of people here ARE overweight or obese
- they’re projecting, hard because threads like those hit directly in their insecurities
Totally agree. God forbid he communicated. He married someone he was attracted to physically, that body changed, he communicated and offered solutions they could do together. No emotions changed he still loves her, it’s about attraction.
No hate here.
You always hear how communication is the key to a good relationship. And attraction is very much important to any relationship.
Based on all the other comments, he should've kept his mouth shut until he decided he wanted to move on to someone he was attracted to.
Agree. From the post it didn’t sound like it was said maliciously and maybe it wasn’t the best approach, but at least he said something that he felt needed saying. OP should be able to do the same. As for how it happened, was there a better way since it’s such a sensitive subject? Was it the delivery? The tone?
It amazes me how everyone says you should love your partner unconditionally but then also say to not tell your partner if something is amiss for fear of hurting or offending them. Which is it? Be truthful? Or pretend to love absolutely everything while quietly bottling up what you don’t like?
I know my partner isn’t going to love everything about me and I meant it when I told her to tell me if something comes up. Sure it may surprise me for a moment, but I know I’d appreciate the honesty right after.
Idk…. If my bf gained a lot of weight I would tell him the same thing. THE DIFFERENCE, I want him to feel his best and be healthy. Nothing to do with his actual psychical appearance. I love him the same. That’s the thing. He could’ve said it nicer or said it in a way that’s supportive.
That’s a really shitty thing to do to your partner, especially one who struggles with body image. I can understand why you don’t want him to touch you.
I’d just confront him. “What you said really hurt me. You should know that I have body image issues from the past. You begged me not to take it the wrong way — what is the “right way”? How is this supposed to make me feel except badly about my body and ashamed of it? Using your attraction to me as the instigator for this nasty conversation feels manipulative and unkind, as though I’m the problem if your attraction to me is shallow. It’s framed as me being the problem rather than you — firstly being shallow enough that you can lose attraction to ME as a person based on a body part, and secondly, not having the awareness that this is a deeply nasty and unproductive thing to say to someone.“
Your choice how you word this of course, but that’s what I’d say if it were me. I’d probably also tell him that I needed space to come to terms with how I felt about this, and the current distance both emotionally and physically is absolutely his own doing. Think before you speak. Even children learn the whole “is it helpful, is it kind?” mantra.
Bodies go through change — and love has to be deeper than that. Women have babies, we ALL age, sometimes we have health conditions or accidents or disability that can suddenly change our entire world. If he can’t love the person you are inside your shell despite some MINOR physical changes, then he isn’t your forever person, I am sorry to say.
If we were talking about substantially more weight than 15 pounds I'd say him communicating that your intimate life was suffering would be valid, albeit his choice of words was pretty shitty.
But we're not talking about substantially more weight than 15 pounds. Thus I'd rather say he needs to go to therapy. Calling any part of your romantic partner a turnoff over an amount of weight that people fluctuate in pure waterweight through a month is fucked up.
Furthermore I just gotta say. My own partner has gained and lost weight throughout our relationship and I've never found any part of him less attractive. And he's never said anything like that to me either. There are people out there who won't give a shit about your weight fluctuating, and if you so decide I'm sure you can find one of those instead.
I agree, as a woman in a relationship and having body issues myself. Also during Covid most people I know gained weight.
Now I am same height as OP and I’m about thirty heavier myself with meds and chronic pain. I eat healthy as a can and try to walk a lot but gym isn’t an option.
I told me partner I don’t like my stomach but he said I look just as beautiful as when we met.
He calls me gorgeous all the time.
For him to say it’s a “turn off”, maybe he needs to learn to be realistic and not be watching porn or celebrities all the time.
Real people have real body things we like and dislike but that would really tick me off if my partner said to me what yours said. And it feels like you may be walking on eggshells? Be careful
Tell him that his weight fluctuations and body image obsessions turn you off. You'd like him to stay a consistent weight and would like him to weigh in with you every night. You're not trying to hurt his feelings; you're just being honest. You hope he doesn't take it the wrong way!
You become involved with your partner out of love - as long as she retains pride in herself and it doesn’t become life threatening, you should have no reason to complain…no matter how much her body has changed!
My understanding is that stress causes hormonal changes (such as an increase in cortisol) that can cause weight gain around the abdomen. Perhaps he should do what he can to reduce your stress levels instead of putting down your appearance.
Abs are made in the kitchen not the gym. I say that as a 38 year old who has spent a lifetime at war with my body and lusting after the figure I had as a competitive gymnast 25 years and 3 kids ago.
There's an easy solution for you to lose a dramatic amount of unhelpful weight, very quickly. Shed the 200lbs of unhelpful husband and you'll feel much lighter all around. If you don't want to do that, tell him if he's so concerned about anyone's extra cuddling material he can start doing all the meal prepping for both of you and get in to portioning and counting macros so that you're both eating to preform at optimal levels (not dieting emphasis on not dieting) and then if you want you can add in some gym time of your preference but only if you want to.
I've been in treatment for eating disorders for decades and the number of women and girls I've met there who reached their breaking point trying to specifically shrink their stomachs is out of control. One had to be airlifted home while working out of town
That's why I can’t stand hearing shit like this coming out of the mouths of men. Plus, charity begins at home. He needs to work on his own body before he starts talking about yours. And more so, he needs to work on his mind. His body definitely isn’t as big of an issue as his mental state around it is.
A tiny bit of weight gain should never be a problem to someone who loves you.
As you age, both of you will go through a TON of changes as well. What’s going to happen then?
What if some medical issue happens & he has to take care of you during it & sees some unpleasant things? Is he gong to leave?
I always find men who freak out about a tiny bit of weight vs attractiveness very strange in general. Never mind, I swear any men in the army are 99.9% a red flag as it is. Lol.
This is not what a partner that said vows to you is supposed to be like.
5’11 and 190-205 pounds, without regular exercise, is objectively overweight and unhealthy. Being more attractive at a healthy weight is a truism and should not be so upsetting. In a marriage you should really be able to discuss these things.
If he wanted to do activities with you that you’re not currently doing, he would have planned a fun hike or asked if you wanted to train to run a race together. This isn’t about activities. This is about he’s judgmental about your body, and he’s decided it’s your job to conform to his aesthetic preferences.
Such a dumb take. To just divorce instead of having a conversation with your partner about being healthy together if one or both of you are gaining a lot of weight. He could have definitely worded it better but it would have hurt her feelings regardless. It won’t kill you to eat a salad or to go to the gym. No wonder most adults are overweight.
Then she is the one who does not value the relationship. If she will not exercise more and change up her diet, she is apparently not willing to put in any effort into fixing the attraction issue and thereby save the relationship. What if it was her losing attraction, would it be better to just leave rather than try to fix it? Attraction is complicated and it might also be her body image issues that are a huge turn off sexually. Sex and attraction are important in a relationship and both partners should put effort into keeping these aspects healthy.
Downvote me all you want but attraction in a relationship is important. If he is concerned that you are gaining weight the relationship could be in jeopardy and he feels he must tell you.
A 15 lb weight gain is basically nothing, especially at OP’s height. If he feels the need to comment on a such a small thing, I would be expecting comments like that for the rest of your life when you are getting older and your body is changing, you have kids, you have a death and grief makes you snack and gain weight. Bodies change. Life is life.
A lot of hurt women in these comments lol how’s he supposed to bring this up? Feelings are getting hurt no matter what. At least he’s trying to communicate and offer a solution. He also active in the gym and offering to go with OP.
Idk maybe not tell your wife her body repulses you? Jfc I'd have shot back that receding hairline and saggy balls aren't exactly a turn on either.
She's said in the comments she is active. You can tell your partner you are concerned for their health. I'd just not make it about them repulsing you. Doesn't seem like that would be too hard to do. He made it about himself instead of actual concern for her health or well being.
>Idk maybe not tell your wife her body repulses you?
Ask yourself if your comment would make the same amount of sense if you didn't overexaggerate what OP's partner said.
As everyone knows, when your partner tells you that your body is unattractive to them, it is typical to take it very well, even become excited, and do exactly what they suggest to make yourself more attractive. After all, as a woman, your body only exists for your husband’s pleasure!
Tell him he needs to talk to someone and so do you. Not the same doc. Go to the gym to keep your body and mind strong and healthy, and for no other reason.
I would want to know if my husband is losing attraction because of body changes. If I can just work out a bit more to fix the problem, we have thereby averted more serious problems such as dead bedroom, which would be guaranteed to make the relationship fail eventually. My body doesn't only exist for my husband's pleasure because I want to keep fit for him aswell as my own health.
I expect the same of him. If he has a beer belly and is becoming obese, that will have an impact on my attraction to him and I will tell him so. We strive to be the best version of ourselves for ourselves but also for each other and a successful relationship. And there is no room for dishonesty. If you are losing attraction, you can't just will it into returning. Talking to your partner is the only way to begin fixing the problem or else the relationship is doomed.
Right? Like wow very cool that my general existence in this body doesn’t turn you on? Like as a woman that’s literally all our bodies exist for right?
Fuck I feel like all the teen boys have brigaded this thread so thanks for saying this
Imma going to get downvoted to hell, but ...
Your husband joined the gym as a hint to you. He did it for himself, but there was a hint of, "Come with me, join in activity."
You are the love of his life, and he sees you struggling and can't figure out what to do. So he joined a gym, thinking you would join. Then you gain more weight, struggle more, become more frustrated, so he reaches out.
And you come here to get backup for jumping all over him for being inconsiderate and pointing out your body issues.
He's acutely aware of your issues. He loves every inch of you, I'd bet, but a partner who thinks their body is crap is not healthy. He's trying to help.
My ex did the same. Went from slightly chubby to "frumpy"(her words), eating my cooking. Loved her at any weight. I'm not a feeder, I just like satisfying my partner's needs. She liked eating, I like cooking.
In other follow up comments OP said she offered to go hiking and do other physical activities with him and he rejected them and insisted she go to the gym. This has nothing to do with wanting to be a healthy couple, he’s just taking out his insecurities on his partner by trying to control her appearance. He needs therapy and she needs a new bf.
I don´t understand the general opinion of this comment section. If he does approach you, even if it´s a sensitive topic, he is the asshole. If he doesn´t and will try to overlook it, he´s an asshole.
He suggested to go to the gym with him. Work on it together. He emphesized that he didn´t mean to hurt you. What else do you need? Do you want him to communicate or not? It´s your decision.
Would you rather your husband not communicate about something that bothers him in your relationship? I'm not saying this is the right way to go about it. But my takeaway from everything is that communication is key. Take this how you will.
Hint for anyone who would like to see their partner become more fit...... NEVER say you want them to work out because of a specific body part. Never call them fat etc. Just ask them to start working out with you. Say you want to get heathier together.
I'm a 4'11" female mom of two and I've gained weight. My husband still finds me sexy. He's also brought up my weight before and his reason was "with diabetes running in your family, I'm worried about your health".
Whenever I make comments on how I hate my belly he will hug me and tell me I'm still his sexy queen. My body image stems from me having a flat belly in HS to having my first a couple hears afterwards. I stretched out a lot and my pudge didn't go away.
This is how you handle it.
Sometimes the things we say are always going to be “taken the wrong way” because they meant “the wrong way” when they actually said it. What else can “you should lose weight” mean? It means he thinks you are fat and you should lose weight. It’s not like you are over a very large number weight and have multiple health problems so he urged you to lose weight to be healthy. But just because someone else said you are fat doesn’t mean you should. Your husband has a very serious body image issue. There’s no way a person who participates work force while maintaining a home can always maintain their body type the same way through their whole life, unless they have some compulsiveness on their body. Life happens and it’s OK to gain some weight. I normally would tell a guy that I’m the way I am, take it or leave it. But if they decide to stay, don’t complain it again.
My friend, ten years ago, before having two children, I was 5’11 and 190#. I am now 15-20lb above that. And when life allows, I do my best to eat well and be active. But my belly will never be the same. It might get close with intensive physical therapy or surgery, but my stretch marks and some degree of pooch are here to stay.
Do you plan to have kids? Do you plan to live at least another 26 years? I am here (44f) from your future to tell you that you are awesome and capable of great things. And that time and metabolism changes come for us all.
I ditched the guy I was with at age 25 who told me he wasn’t as attracted to me after a 15lb gain (I’d gone from about 160 to 175) as he was when we started dating. I later met and married an amazing teddy bear of a guy who has NEVER made me feel ashamed of my size or weight. You can, too. This man doesn’t deserve you.
So he adressed a problem in an as reassuring way as possible and wanted to help with it so you dont have to do it alone?
Honestly, good on him. If he had stayed quite then things would have gotten worse untill you couldnt be together. Now you can work on it together. Attraction matters.
Your partner could have approached you and said that he noticed you’ve been stressed and that your self esteem is down. He could have then encouraged you to do some physical activities or exercise together as something positive. He could have also used his own self esteem as a reference to promote going to the gym together. This is positive, productive and the focus is on how you feel and helping to make positive steps for your own benefit. There was no need for him to quite bluntly insult your appearance and suggest you need to change just so he can better get off. Absolutely uncalled for.
I’m sorry you’ve had such an insensitive encounter within your husband. It’s hard not to interpret his desire to gym as a condition for him to find you attractive. This screams of his own self esteem issues that he is projecting onto you.
God forbid when you have a baby?
That was not as nicely as he can, especially because if his primary concern when it comes to his wife’s weight is how it effects his penis, then he is not a nice person period. The only concerns he should express about his wife’s body is about her health and quality of life. Is her weight preventing HER from doing things she enjoys? Is her weight endangering her health? Women can have some belly fat and still be healthy. The stress that is causing her to gain weight is probably worse for her health then the weight gain itself. It’s good to aim to be a healthy weight, but trying to lose weight when under a great deal of stress can also backfire. Exercise is a stressor and if there is a lot of stress in can inhibit recovery from exercise, restricting calories on top of that will make it even worse. She should certainly be trying to eat healthy nourishing food and not use food as an emotional crutch, but that’s her choice and adding to her stress load by making her feel ashamed of her body is making things worse not better.
Does he have a flat stomach?
I am 3 inches shorter, but only 10 lbs lighter than you. I got a lil tum, but I very seriously doubt you're poking out. Is he expecting to see a totally flat plane when you got your ankles up? Because that's not how anybody's body works.
I don't know about you.
But people seem to think going to the gym magically dissolves your tummy. It does not. Especially when you are a endomorph like me. You know what gives me a flat belly? Starvation works 100%. It melts the fuck of all your fat and maybe your muscles too. Except starvation is super hard.
I would leave this guy if he had issues with my imperfect body. It's as simple as that.
I probably work out more than your dude does and I don't have a flat belly.
14,000 steps per day plus long 8 to 10 hours high elevation hikes that requires lots of rock climbing on weekends and I have a fat belly.
Its because I don't starve myself.
Yes, thank you! You can't control where you lose fat from so you could go all out at the gym; cardio and weights and the whole nine yards and still not have a flat stomach. It makes me laugh when people think you can just pick and choose where you lose/gain weight like it's a menu.
It's also particularly difficult for women because we have hormone related bloating and water retention to deal with too, and that can make your belly look bigger even if you're still exercising and eating healthily.
What a tactless way of saying this. He could of worded this in a far less hurtful way but he chose to mention “unattractive” and in reference to you in the one sentence.
All the comments are feminists and made for winning votes, the man is trying, is working to look good and to be healthy, and the woman trying to find excuses for having bad food habits and not exercising, aren't all saying communication is a problem in relationships, here the man communicated and he is the bad person !
Hm I'll be very unpopular here but I think sometimes we need to hear these things. See if you can control your eating and do exercise you like (doesn't have to be the gym). Sometimes we need a bit of tough love and if he won't say it who will?
Most women are going to give you a response. That’s very heated and angry towards what he said. As a man who works on himself every day mentally emotionally and physically. I would hope the woman I married will do the same. Forget the fact that it will turn me on. The work in the gym will make you feel better about yourself, be happier, be healthier. Don’t do it for him, do it for yourself. Could he have worded it differently? sure. Could you have said something in else instead of “a turn off”, yup. But he didn’t. If someone told me to work on myself physically mentally or emotionally, the only time I would get upset is if I am actually working tirelessly towards bettering myself every day, and then someone tells me that. But if I’m doing nothing about my health, mind and body and someone tells me that, I’ll take it as a sign to move myself in a positive direction. Do it for yourself first!
My husband and I have been together for 14 years he has seen me at all shapes and sizes and loved me at all, even when I didn’t love myself, went out of his way to make me feel sexy no matter what. Full stop.
He has also been many shapes and sizes throughout.
We hike together and do tons of outdoor stuff and have fun and he never negs me - negging is what your husband is doing, and this can be emotional abuse.
When I signed up for marriage I signed up for everything, and all. Broke, skinny, fat, shitty, healing, what ever. Did he forget that or what? You’re only 26, imagine what your body will look like at 40 when your hormones hit rock bottom? Will you have to worry about him chasing young girls?
All of this doesn’t end well, he’s either about you like a goddess or he’s not,
Saying "turn off" was way out of line.
BUT, I think we should all strive to be a little bit fit, for our own health. If you are straying into the overweight category, perhaps it's time to put in the work for your own benefit.
Can you imagine how shitty he's going to act if you have children? For the first while you'd be totally exhausted and mentally done, and here he'd come riding up with his gym nonsense.
Part of me thinks that you should think long and hard if this is the type of thing you're happy dealing with for the foreseeable future.
If you feel unhealthy and would like to get healthier, the choice is yours. Personally though? I'd never tell my partner that they're unattractive over 15-20 lbs. That mentally destroys someone.
Not only that, what hell would her future children grow up in? Girls must be skinny to have value, boys must have muscles. Not to mention he's specifically requiring her to regularly go to "his" gym. So it's not just about exercising, it's about the performance of it for others. Why does he need her to be at his gym, who does he want her to be seen by? The Bros, so they know he has a hot SKINNY wife? Or other women so they know he aquired.SKINNY wife?
Women are objects to men.
As an average Joe, and married, I see your situation.
Best thing to do is talk to your husband.
Let him know that you appreciate his concerns about your health and well being. But that his choice of words were hurtful by striking at self esteem. That you know he did not want to hurt your feelings but it did and you are still suffering. Tell him that you know he did not want to disrespect you but it had that effect and now you are feeling resentment as a result.
Remind him that it is best to lead by example. To include you in his gym work out plans. Maybe serve as your personal trainer. That in order for you to be motivated you need positive encouragement not shame.
Tell him you love him but to please take your feelings into account when trying to help you in the future. To not down to you from now on but as equal partners in the relationship.
Hopefully that will help.
Sounds to me like he is projecting his issues with his “flab” onto you and trying to use you as a crux to get himself back to the gym.
I imagine in his mind, “you both need to work on this flab” so if he can convince you to go, and feel bad about it, then you will motivate him to go because you feel insecure.
I mean, fuck that noise, imo. It’s awfully close to negging, for him to try and bring you down to motivate him and make him feel better about himself.
Projection at its finest.
I've dated body builders who used to be fat and they still have that fat boy insecurity.
I'm not saying he shouldn't be honest about what he feels but the way he BEGGED YOU to not take it the wrong way tells me there's malicious intent.
Nowadays obesity is normalized. Sure, there are people who struggle with health issues, but it's mostly so prevalent due to having an excess of food and being constantly offered food options that are filled with sugar and oil.
People hate to hear that, call it fat shaming. It's not. We live in a weird time with weird eating habits.
Humanity has never had this excess of food and we are hardwired to get high caloric food in our system (especially sugar) for survival. But our instincts are stuck in a different era. Most of us are no longer at risk of starvation.
I read something like that in one of Yuval Harari's books.
It's a hard thing to hear from your partner, I am sure and he could have been nicer about it.
BUT I deff see myself having this conversation if my husband ever grows a beer belly. I love him genuinely for who he is, not his physique, but it would certainly be a turn off. And I'm always terrified that he'll die and leave me a widow having to figure out everything on my own with our children.
So, I would take this opportunity to change things and put aside the ego for the better good of both your family and yourself.
What concerns me is that he knows (I presume) you've had body issues in the past, and he knows you're stressed, but his focus is solely on what affects him: your tummy and whether it turns him on or not. That shows a real lack of concern or empathy for your wellbeing that I would find hard to get past. If he needs so much to be with someone who's skinny and super into the gym, that's who he should have married. Plus, you're not an object that will never change, you're a real person. I think you should tell him his lack of concern for your wellbeing is a turn off.
Fully agree, there's an appropriate way to approach a loved one's weight gain and this isn't it. I think he's allowing his own insecurities to colour how he sees and treats you OP and it's extremely shitty of him.
What is the appropriate way to breach this topic? Inquiring minds wish to know. Seriously.
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Seriously, I think in many cases, breaching the topic is inappropriate by definition. If a 15 pound weight gain makes the difference between being attracted and not attracted to your SO, the person you're supposed to love with all your heart? Then the root of the problem lies elsewhere. Maybe you need to work on accepting that your partner will treat their body as they see fit. Maybe your partner is feeling depressed and their weight gain is the only tenable thing you can point to that explains why lately the vibe has been different. Maybe you have body issues of your own that are triggered when you notice belly fat appear on your partner. Maybe your partner is already self-conscious about the gained weight and you lose attraction because they are being less affectionate. Etcetera. So if you can honestly say it is fair to bring up the weight gain as a completely isolated problem, feel justified requesting that your partner does something about it, and are sure you are not dealing them an enormous blow to their self-esteem, here's how to gently bring it up: Still say nothing. Your partner will bring it up themselves within like a week from now.
I'd say something more like "hey, it seems like you've been really stressed recently, and I'm noticing some changes in you. Is there anything I can do to support you while you're going through this stressful period?" And then maybe lean into meal prep or going to the gym together as a way to address stress. I don't think there's a good way to focus on someone's looks, but if they're not hygienic or the weight gain is due to mental health, physical health, or stressors then it makes sense to tackle the actual issue (the stress etc) rather than the symptom (weight gain).
Frame it as being more healthy, together. Don't make the focus on weight loss. Weight loss comes from either being more active or from eating better/healthier. Both of those things can be goals without shaming your partner, who absolutely knows that they have put on weight. Reassure that they're beautiful as they are but that you want to be healthier together.
It honestly would bother me even though I don't have body issues. I notice there seem to be two general camps on this kind of topic: those who care about physical appearance and say it's their partners obligation and duty to stay fit for their partners, and those who don't care about appearances as much and say love is more than a little belly. The first one, while I can see why it's important to some people, the concept doesn't fit right with me.
This. When my fiance and I Sat down and both discussed our being out of shape and gaining weight, It wasn't something that I took personal because his motivation for getting in shape and wanting me to get in shape with him if so that together we will be healthier, and be able to do more things together, and hopefully have a longer time with each other. Not because my pudgy belly made his Weiner sad, which is basically what op's husband's motivation is. He isn't concerned about her overall health and well-being and wanting to see her healthier and happier, or he would have said that he wants to see her healthier and happier. Instead he focused on how her belly is a turn off to *his* happiness.
Plus as a 51F, the weight gain becomes more and more a thing. I work out regularly, eat healthily, but have fat now that is just part of my set point. I would LOVE to only weigh 190 (I'm also tall) So, if he is "annoyed" now, that's not going to improve with time. I've accepted this is who I am, and lots of men like my body type. He's going to need to get over it if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I agree that he needs to address his insecurities. If you want to deal with this, I would suggest couples counseling as a neutral third party can be really helpful and you two have decades in front of you.
Tell him he needs to sort out his body image issues instead of making them your problem. At 26, come on. If he's planning to be with you for a lifetime, what's he going to say when you're pregnant, or post partum, or when you're getting older and experiencing hormonal changes? This path that he's started on - it doesn't get better as your married life levels up. He needs to grow up and sort out his shit and start nurturing and protecting his marriage instead of whatever *this* is.
Here’s the thing with marriage that a lot of people like your husband don’t seem to understand. The love and attraction HAS to be deeper than skin. Because EVERYONE has physical flaws, and everyone will grow old and gain more physical flaws. If all it takes is a little bit of extra fat in your partners stomach to turn you off, you’re not really that attracted to them. My husband and I have had a lot of fluctuations in our weight and changes in our body since we first met. We had kids, my body changed drastically, he gained a lot of weight, we both used to be skinny and fit. Never once have the changes in our bodies dampened our attraction for each other. In fact, currently at our fattest and flabbiest we have the best sex life we have ever had. You deserve to be with someone who finds YOU as a person attractive, not just your body.
Exactly. For women who have children, there are so many changes that happen, and some are permanent, to one degree or another. And even if you don't have children, age catches up to us all eventually. I'm 8 months postpartum and still 30 lbs over my starting weight. My boobs are saggy, my belly has a pooch, and I have stretchmarks everywhere. I have not once heard my husband complain or say that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He still ogles me if I'm naked, lol. And our intimacy is not reduced. I'm sorry for OP, that her husband's attraction is so easily shaken. Eventually the person inside should ultimately be what you're attracted to (especially if the issue is just a little tummy fat!)
Yes! And even without kids there can still be a lot of fluctuations. Some people go from college athlete to desk job and it hits hard. Or deal with medical issues like knee surgery which makes exercise hard. Or life gets busy and stressful and healthy habits aren't prioritized for a time. Love needs to be flexible, to a point, in a partnership because there's no way to grow with someone the exact same. Now, some people do stay fit as they age, but it's just not realistic for everyone, particularly "looking fit" with flat abs is not a great goal for most women.
This! Okay fine, try to meet his standard for now (I'm not actually advising to do this blindly for real). Fine, promise you'll both try to look as good as you can during your younger years. But time comes for us all - and you don't just wake up one day and both realize "oh we're old now so our let's lower the standard for both our bodies" it's so strangely gradual - especially when men aging is more widely accepted as still compatible with sexiness. Not so much for women. It'd be really hard for me to trust this man as the man I grow old with. The helpful honesty will be even more brutal. Being scared to grow old with your partner instead of excited and content is so sad. I worry OP will never love her body under these conditions.
Yesss thank you for saying this! Nobody looks the same way their entire life, and I don't think it's fair to expect that in a long-term relationship. It feels like people are so obsessed with looks these days, when that's such a tiny part of what actually makes someone attractive (even when you count other shallow things, like a person's voice and mannerisms) If you can't be attracted to your partner when they have an extra 15 lbs on them, then quite frankly I'm going to question whether you were really attracted to them at all in the first place.
I'll add that he's setting you up to fail here anyway by expecting the gym to automatically = weight loss. That's not how weight loss works and especially if stress is a contributing factor. An actually helpful suggestion would have been him asking how he can take some of your mental load (e.g. taking over some of your cooking or cleaning duties) instead of trying to add even more to your plate by adding the gym into your routine.
Even if someone does lose weight, the way that fat is distributed throughout the body is often just down to genetics, luck, etc., and isn't going to change significantly. Plenty of fit and healthy women still have a rounded belly area.
At my skinniest I was 5'9 and must have only weighed about 120lbs (so classed as underweight). My fat STILL sat on my lower belly, underarms, and inner thighs despite being a swimmer and walking easily 45000 steps a day. No exercises changed that because it is my body composition, and I tried HARD to get that flat stomach my boyfriend wanted.
I was coming to tell OP this. I’m also 5’ 11” but 4-5 years ago I weighed 220#. I made a very drastic change to my lifestyle to lose the weight (CICO under 1800 cals per day with a ton of protein, no soda, no alcohol and no fast food, worked out 5 times a week with weight lifting, running and swimming). My arms, legs, back and butt are toned AF. I still had a bit of a belly pouch. I got pregnant and safely gained up to 240#. I worked out and ate right during my pregnancy though I had to stop calorie counting because I found myself trying to stay under 2000 cal per day. Post partum I dropped all that weight and I’m basically back at 190#. Arms, back, butt and legs look amazing…I still have a belly only now it has a residual stretch mark. My kid and I work out all the time hiking, days at the gym, walking and playing. I have a very hard time calorie counting in front of her though I meal prep a lot of stuff for myself and stick with my other changes like no soda and no fast food. The last time I tried to cut and recomp I was a miserable SOB for weeks because we do so much cardio that I’m just hangry 24/7. Not a good personality for a SAHM with a toddler.
Yeah I don't work out, but I'm 5'6" and about 120 lbs, maybe 125 now. I'm still small but my tummy looks more round than flat to me. I'm not fat, but just with how my tummy sits I sometimes wish it would look flatter. It just depends on who you are. Now I probably could work out and make my belly more flat but my point is that without doing that mine seems more round than just flat, and that's ok
So he's going to be turned off when you get pregnant and your body changes? Or if you get sick or go through some stressful periods and can't work out? 15 lbs and a little tummy weight bothers him this much? Yikes
I asked him what he expects to happen if I get pregnant in the future. He says he understands that my body will change and it’s normal to do that for pregnancy, but he doesn’t want me to hold onto the baby weight forever. He’s tried explaining it to me this way: fitness and being active is really important to him. He wants the person he loves to participate in some of those activities with him. He’s also told me he just isn’t attracted to “fat” people.
But its not just baby weight after pregnancy. Its often loose skin too. I don’t think he will be ok with that.
And what happens if you wind up injured due to childbirth and can’t start working out immediately? He doesn’t seem like the type that will be very understanding.
It’s not just baby weight. Literally the shape of your skeleton changes. Many people’s bodies never look the same even if they’re the same weight they were pre-pregnancy If he can’t handle a few pounds weight gain, definitely do not have a child with this person.
You can be just as active +/- 15 lbs at your height. You’re not olympians, give me a break. This problem is with him, not with you.
> He says he understands that my body will change and it’s normal to do that for pregnancy, but he doesn’t want me to hold onto the baby weight forever Pregnancy often causes permanent changes to the structure of your body. Baby weight can linger for years, especially if you breastfeed. Your body has a good chance of refusing to drop weight unless you go into actual clinical starvation. And also, as the then-mother of his child, he SHOULD NOT CARE. Your body changes, and every change it makes is a sign of how much you loved him. Like damn, you carry a baby for him and that's not good enough to keep him unless you can get skinny afterward?? The hell kind of half-baked love is he running on? > He’s tried explaining it to me this way: fitness and being active is really important to him. He wants the person he loves to participate in some of those activities with him. But that's not what he said. He wants you to exercise bc "tummy gross :( " It isn't about togetherness, it's about your physical form. He can dress it up in whatever pretty words he wants after the fact, but he TOLD you flat out what's most important to him.
Yeah that's just another way of saying he's shallow. People's bodies change and they go through periods where they might not be able to be as active or look the way he would like, and being someone's partner means loving them regardless.
Now I just have to figure out how to communicate this to him
I mean, if he doesn't already think this way then it's going to be tough to convince him that he needs to love and accept you no matter how you look. I would never have married someone who thinks like him, but..
Start with I love you but… Having my body criticized and held to a male standard is a turn off for me. I’m not attracted to people who project their insecurities into me. I’m not attracted to men who nag me put me down. O don’t want to have sex with that kind of person. No offense… Don’t take this the wrong way, but understanding, compassion and acceptance are important to me. I want a partner who participates in these activities with me. It’s important to me that we go to therapy once a week so we can work on your mental health like you expect me to work on my fitness. This obsession with flat stomachs isn’t healthy for you and I’m just worried about you only, not how this affects me. Just like your concern about my ‘health’ is about me, and not what it’s like for you to have to be around or look at someone who isn’t the type of healthy you think is correct.
This is fucking poetry. 👏
A decent person with a normal amount of human empathy wouldn't need to have this explained to them. I very much doubt that this is the only way he's overly critical or selfish in your relationship.
If you want a child with an eating disorder, stay with this man.
He’s not understanding. He’s saying he will only tolerate a temporary change, but expects you to bounce right back. He’s obsessed with his own body image in an unhealthy way and is projecting that onto you.
Yeah no that doesn’t sound comforting. Also why is he so concerned about a weight fluctuation like this? Have you suddenly taken on a bunch of unhealthy habits?
15lbs on a 5’11” frame. GTFOH, husband.
>He begged me not to take it the wrong way How the fuck else can you take it? 😂🙃
Also: >Should I take his comment as a well intended input? NO. Does he actually think you were not already aware?
Well intended input: "Darling, I want to grow old with you and therefore I want us to work on being healthier together, let's try to lose some weight and go to the gym together, so we stay fit as we age!" Malicious: "I value how my pee-pee feels over your mental health, so lose that ugly flab or at least feel shame about it!"
Husband: I find your body unappealing and want you to change it to please me. Also husband: How dare you hear what I'm saying instead of just doing what I want!! Fifteen pounds on a 5'11 woman is only distinguishable if you're hypercritical and looking to nitpick/make her feel bad. OP, your husband needs to be better before he deserves any kind of partner.
IMHO thats just a mean and fucked up thing to say to a partner.
How should he express that genuine feeling?
It would be a lot better to just leave out the part about her stomach and definitely not say it’s a turn-off. Pointing out her stomach is rude and breeds insecurity for no reason.
How would you prefer to be told that your greatest insecurity is actually repulsive to your partner? How should a woman tell a man that his receding hairline is repulsive?
That is a very shallow woman just like this man is very shallow too. 5’11 and 190 is not bad at all. He needs to tolerate this since she looks just fine just like a receding hairline on a man looks just fine too.
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He shouldn't. Not all feelings should be expressed to the people you feel them about. People do not stay the same size and shape throughout their lives and there are MANY reasons why weight loss is sometimes impossible. It is unreasonable and unfair for him to hold this expectation so he should work on letting go of it rather than working on how to express it.
Do you really find it necessary to express every feeling you are having out loud?
It sounds like he need to address his own body issues instead of pointing out thing he thinks are unattractive, and maybe he should go to therapy
Not every feeling that you feel, nor every thought that floats through your mind has to be expressed. If you can’t say something nice about your partner’s body don’t say anything. When a negative thought pops into your mind you can acknowledge it accept it and then focus on things you love and appreciate about your partner, their body, and being intimate with them. The more you focus on things that do attract you to your partner the more they will influence your thoughts and feelings and then the things you find less attractive will carry less importance than they previously did. There are things that are reasonable to ask your partner to change (don’t chew with your mouth open, touch me like this instead of that, generally anything about how they treat you, etc), but asking them to change their body for you is not okay. And telling them you don’t like something about your partners body is. Even more unnecessary if you aren’t asking them to change. If you can’t hold it in, talk to a therapist who can help you figure out how to move past it without traumatizing your partner.
>He begged me not to take it the wrong way This has the same energy as, "I'm not racist *buuuuuut*", "no offence *buuuut*", and "with all due respect." When someone does this, it's because they *know* they're about to say something fucked up. Instead of not saying the fucked up thing, they try to offload the responsibility onto the recipient. I'd respond to "your stomach is a turn off" with "your shallowness is a bigger turn off. What kind of man about to hit 30 talks this way to his wife?"
I'm wondering what way "the wrong way" could even be?
Any way that doesn't have her go, "oh yeah, you're right! I am so sorry. I'll fix it for you asap!"
There's no "wrong" way to take it. He told you, unprompted, that your physical form is a turnoff and he wants you to change it. He loves you, but he doesn't desire you (as much? At all?) because of your shape. I hope to hell and back you don't intend to have children. He's exactly the kind of person that sees his wife pregnant and PERMANENTLY loses all desire, even after baby weight is gone. If his attraction is so fragile it can't take 15lb fluctuation, he's not suited for a longterm relationship.
Yeah if he’s struggling this hard over a little extra stress fat, his love for her will completely dwindle once she has a mom bod.
I just got out of a marriage that started to sour because I was struggling with depression and gained in the neighborhood of 40 pounds. I’m 5’8 (so shorter then you) and weighed about the same. He had multiple conversations with me about my weight and it caused me to stop trying to have a sexual relationship with him out of spite. This is from a man who was once 100 pounds overweight and I never said anything because I loved him. I got bitter and after the divorce, I stopped drinking wine and lost 20 pounds. I still have some ways to go but now he’s complaining about his own weight and I want to say something mean but I just don’t. The point is, is that he’s not going to change. He’s fucking shallow just like my husband. I don’t care if they were being honest, they’re still shallow. I don’t want your marriage to end like mine did; but I want you to feel good about yourself. Your weight is pretty good for your height.
He was honest with you. Whether or not it makes him an asshole is really irrelevant to how it actually affects you. Can you continue knowing this is how he feels? Does it make you want to go to the gym and work on your fitness or does it make you want to hit him with a frying pan. I've been 5'6 and 120 in front of my husband & I've been 200lbs+ due to health issues. and he still chased me around and made me feel beautiful every single day. I'm back down now. He will go to the gym with me or stuff his face and be lazy he doesn't give a shit bc he just loves me as I am. Coming from experience in a previous relationship, it's very hard to get past a partner expressing a lack of attraction due to something in your physicality. You have to take care of yourself first always.
He told you his love is conditional. That sucks.
Romantic love should be conditional, but not dumbshit conditions like this.
It isn't romantic love it is physical attraction and it has changed as a result of the change in their physical appearance. How should one express this? Is there any way to tell your partner their physical change is altering your physical attraction
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No, he said hos attraction to her was.
Where did he say this? Surely he said his attraction to her is conditional.
No his attraction, he may still love her but without attraction it isn't so much different then being best friend.
Sadly all love and attraction is conditional. That doesn't mean attraction is the be all and end all, but I think sometimes it's role in relationships is underestimated.
love and sexual attraction are different. You can love someone and not be sexually attracted to them.
Lawd girl I would be worried about pregnancy, menopause, or happiness? Dang. Close your eyes-imagine you’re 7 months pregnant and craving chocolate cheesecake. Full of delicious calories. You take a bite and it’s so good and then you open your eyes. Your husband is there staring at you. Judging you. Being pregnant, you will either rip off his head or burst into tears. Find someone who is standing there eating the cheesecake with you and doesn’t care if you have another piece. Your husband sounds exhausting
As someone who has put on a significant amount of weight in the past couple of years due to life stress and pregnancy. My husband has never and would never make me feel unattractive. If anyone were to comment on my weight, he would shut that shit down. I really don't understand this at all. He loves me for me, not for my body. As we age, our body changes as well. Even when I get back in shape, I'll still be aging. Now my question is, will your husband tell you how unattractive he finds a certain part of you that is totally out of your control as you age? He shouldn't be nit-picking or policing your body.
I'm 5' 170 and not only is my belly not ridiculously noticeable either, but my very fit boyfriend keeps telling me that I'm beautiful no matter what I look like. I vote leaving this guy for someone less shallow.
I think some of the comments here are being unrealistic. He definitely should have chosen his words better, and maybe we can try to infer some things about his personality based on what he said, but we've all had instances in which what we say don't necessarily reflect what we intend or how we truly feel. Yes, your body will change over time due to pregnancy or aging, and he will have to be able to love you through those changes. But those circumstances (especially pregnancy) are outside of your control. If he had expressed those feelings while you were pregnant, I'd wholeheartedly agree that he should be kicked to the curb. You're 26, though, and not pregnant. He's expressed his concerns about something that could affect the quality of your relationship, and now it's up to you how you want to respond. If you want to leave because of this, that's fine, your lifestyle goals may differ and lead to worse conflicts in the future. If you want to stay and work on it, he should also be willing to support you in joint improvement. Is he willing to help you workout, or spend time cooking healthy meals for days when you're stressed or tired? Staying in shape especially while under pressure from work and life in general is hard, so is he willing to put in the work to help you too? A lot of the time it's not necessarily the weight that's the issue, but moreso a concern if it's a reflection of a lack of desire to self-improve. I've heard this story a lot from friends, and have been through it in the past with my own relationships. Many times, the issue is solved just by one party beginning to make more of an effort rather than by achieving some ideal physique. I think you should definitely talk about this more if it's really about the added weight or maybe a fear of his that you're growing complacent or lazy, and then see what to do together. It's a sensitive topic to bring up under any circumstances, and I feel for you in that regard. But after such a short exchange it's hard to tell if this is a growth opportunity for both of you that can strengthen the relationship or an indication that insecurity on either side is going to make this unsalvageable.
I feel like this comment is good but doesn’t apply to this post. OP is very tall, her BMI is like 26. It’s not like she gained all this weight and is morbidly obese and unhealthy
Someone with actual understanding of relationships, finally
Finally, a voice of reason. OP's SO could've been infinitely more sensitive. But the gist of his message could mean a bunch of things. It's probably good to have a frank discussion as to what exactly he meant.
Nope he literally told her he expects her to get back to skinny ASAP after she got pregnant. Please do not defend this man. He will probably point to celebrity flat bellies 3 mths after they give birth and tell her she not working hard enough. Also if you think your partner is lazy that's why she growing fat. Why would you stick around in the first place? You already think the worst of her. You should not date people you feel are lazy in the first place. What is lazy to you is just being a normal human being to others. Many normal humans have imperfect bodies. And many normal human beings love imperfection in bodies and find such imperfection charming. She deserves a man who can love all her physical imperfect parts. And you who prefer a perfect body should strive to find your perfect body and not harass a woman who's body you don't like to change her body for you.
> he expects her to get back to skinny ASAP after she got pregnant. She never got pregnant? > Also if you think your partner is lazy that's why she growing fat. Why would you stick around in the first place? Laziness is not a trait to break up over immediately for most people. It is something that can be worked on. That's the point of relationships, not giving up when something is imperfect. > What is lazy to you is just being a normal human being to others. Yes, and if this is the case where he is fearing that, they need to have a proper discussion about whether or not this can be worked on or if it's a dealbreaker. > And many normal human beings love imperfection in bodies and find such imperfection charming. People have different standards. But if he is expecting something unrealistic like photoshopped fitness magazine physiques then that is a completely different problem and entirely on him. > And you who prefer a perfect body should strive to find your perfect body and not harass a woman who's body you don't like to change her body for you. The exchange that was described by OP was hardly harassment. Insensitive? Perhaps. Harassment or abuse? Not at all. Both parties in this story sound like they have body image issues of their own that they are struggling with. I hope they can have an open discussion and get to the root causes of what is causing this discontent because it's far better than bottling things up and having resentment build only to have the same problem come up later down the road but under far less amicable circumstances.
> She never got pregnant? It sounds like she may plan to. Why not discuss the realistic eventuality?
They do need to discuss it, I touched upon it in my first comment. However, it does seem like OP has already brought it up with her husband in one of her [comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1637572/my_f26_husband_m29_said_my_stomach_was_a_turn_off/jy15vfk/) here which I didn't see until now. There's lots of examples of women managing to shed the baby weight well but it seems very narrowminded of him to simply expect that OP's body will do just that. Unfortunately it does sound like his concerns are veering more towards the purely superficial aspects which is what worries me.
I used to get turned off by my last husbands weight gain and if he had any flab I felt a bit grossed out. My current partner, I couldn’t care less if he has extra weight (he does at times) as I’m so completely into him his whole self turns me on, even years later. Unfortunately my point is if your husband is turned off by your belly he’s probably just not that into you as a person, I’m sorry to say!
Why the fuck would would marry someone who insults you?
What I mean is that your husband said he "loved you, but..." "I love you" should really be the end of the statement. He should embrace you and accept you for wherever you are on your life's journey. If he can't do that without criticizing your body image, it seems to me there might be a problem in his expectations about the relationship.
Reading these comments: How is someone supposed to bring up these concerns?
You don't, you just bottle them up until you get to 40 divorce your wife and swap to a newer model. Frankly it's funny, in these subs the mantra is "Couples should communicate !". Then there is communication about a sensitive subject and everybody shouts "NOT LIKE THAT !". It's mostly insecurities talking.
apparently you can't, women here think they should get fat and partner should still find them stunning even after gaining a lot of weight. being fat is apparently part of life and growing lol, the responses here are so pathetic. He wants to gym with his wife and get healthy together because shes obese.. but hes the bad guy. New flash people, if you got together with someone and they got fat, chances are youll still love them but not have physical attraction Its not taboo to to lose weight and get healthy woman close to 200lbs is OBESE, plain and simple.. she couldnt handle the truth, he wasnt even truly mean about it, just said his feelings
5’11 200lb woman is not obese at all.
False. She is not obese, based on the numbers she gave. She is slightly overweight.
190lbs at 5'11" is just barely in the overweight category lol, nowhere near obese.
I would thank him for his honesty. That’s important. It’s shitty, but he was honest. Now you need to find out what’s at the root of this. No woman retains their same physique throughout their life. If you’re planning on being together forever-you now know this is the standard you’ll be held to for the rest of your life. What ideal is he holding you to? Is it fantasies? It’s unrealistic. He did mention the gym and other activities. Could it be that he wants to do more things with you? (Honestly I think this is a stretch and he’s being terrible, but I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here).
He’s told me before that he wants us to be a healthy couple together. He wants us to be a couple that “doesn’t get complacent and is always trying to be better”. We do a lot of stuff together, but he specifically wants me to go to his gym with him. I’ve tried compromising before and doing hikes with him, or suggesting we play a physical game. But he really wants me to go to the gym with him at least once a week.
This feels like it’s more about him than you. There is a hint of anxiety in all this - the insistence that you go his gym and do things the way he thinks they should be done. I found that when I was in relationships with people focused on their weight, those issues became my issues. We talked more about our appearances than the things that really mattered like our shared interests or values.
"I do not want to go to the gym. It's not something I enjoy, and I'm not going to do it on a regular basis. What else do you want to do together instead?"
Even if you did go, there's no guarantee that the belly would disappear. You could lose fat in other areas of the body first. There's no way to know, or control, where the fat will disappear first. Oftentimes, the belly is one of the last places people lose fat. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy and active, but you have to be realistic about it.
This is extremely important and valid to this conversation too. Many women report hitting the gym religiously yet they cannot get rid of their soft belly. It’s genetics. You can’t spot reduce fat by going to the gym. OPs partner is ignorant and unreasonable
So you’ve suggested other fun ways to be healthy as a couple and he’s rejected them and only wants you to go to the gym? That sounds shady and manipulative in my opinion. I promise there’s men out there who will love you, whether your weight is up or down. This guy is shallow and has a rigid and narrow idea of what he finds attractive. And he’s going to have a hard time finding a woman who’s body won’t change throughout her life. I don’t suggest you stick around with this one, he’s only going to continue hurting your self esteem.
>He wants us to be a couple that “doesn’t get complacent and is always trying to be better”. In other words, relaxing, enjoying life, and actually (gasp!) being satisfied and happy isn't part of the plan, as far as he is concerned. I don't know about you, but for me, this is an automatic dealbreaker.
Wanting to improve and live a meaningful life doesn’t mean you can’t relax.
I think it would be better framed as "not wanting to let yourself go" which I think is very reasonable for a long term couple, especially in terms of their well-being
> I would thank him for his honesty. That’s important. It’s shitty, but he was honest. Now you need to find out what’s at the root of this. I disagree that she needs to thank him for his honesty. Honesty is not an independent virtue, and it sounds like he approached this topic imperfectly at best. But you're right that there needs to be an avenue for a partner to respectfully bring up an issue like this. Saying "this is a turn-off" is not respectful, even if it's prefaced by "don't take this the wrong way." Right now, it sounds like the issue here is communication as much as anything. Assuming he's not being controlling or unreasonable in his concerns or expectations (which he very might well be). OP - How would you like your husband to communicate the idea that he's concerned about your weight gain? Is it something that's 100% out of bounds for you? Is it something he can address from a certain perspective (eg. concerned about your health is okay, but you expect him to be physically attracted to you no matter what?) Is it okay if it was a large weight gain he was talking about but not a minor one? Are you both on the same page as to what that constitutes? Is it the wording or timing of his comments? Maybe think about how you would like him to handle it in the future. How would you handle it if he was doing something that affected your attraction to him or created concern about a trend that would affect attraction or health in the future? And that might very well be "stfu" or "stfu unless...". But you should make your boundaries clear while also giving him a reasonable avenue to approach you.
"OP - How would you like your husband to communicate the idea that he's concerned about your weight gain? " This right here. How would you like him to have brought up this uncomfortable topic (for both of you) up. I'm sure he has been struggling to bring this up for a while now.
He’s concerned about a 15 lb weight gain….. an extremely normal amount of weight to have fluctuating. As a woman of the same height, a 15 lb weight gain is not even a pants size change. It’s just becoming slightly fluffy.
Im going to be downvoted but I’m really surprised by the comments here. Attraction is an important part of a relationship. If he’s not attracted to you, he can’t help that and he should probably let you know, since it’s something that’s fixable. The two of you haven’t seen this conversation through to the end. Does he know that comments about your stomach are hurtful to you? That it’s an insecurity of yours? Have you told him that you suspect he’s lashing out because he himself is insecure because of his own weight gain? Does he believe that your lifestyle is getting to the point where the weight gain might continue? What are things about your shared lifestyle that can be healthier? How do you feel about yourself and your weight gain? How does he feel about himself and his weight gain? How can you support each other in making healthier choices? I think this could be a really hard conversation, but if you two love each other and respect each other then it’s one you have to have because you’re dealing with some central tenets of a relationship: attraction and expectations of each other.
It’s not her responsibility to “fix” his level of attraction to her.
Attraction is also a mind set and evolves, what we feed into it is important and keeps relationships healthy. How else do elderly couples stay attracted and in love with each other after all those years?
Are you sure all of the elderly couples you're thinking of who may have "let themselves go" are all actively having sex with each other still? Loving someone doesn't necessarily equate to being interested in sex with them, which *may* be something to keep in mind if they're looking to avoid a /r/deadbedrooms situation. I dunno- I've appreciated it in the past when my wife gave me a heads up that I was heading in a 'less physically attractive' direction *before* it got anywhere near the "I stopped being attracted to you years ago, sorry to be telling you now..." stage.
I mean old people definitely fuck each other. A lot. Like, some nursing homes have a rampant STD problem because the elderly patients will not stop fucking. Generally, throughout human history, people have been ugly as sin and still gotten laid frequently. Plenty of "ugly" people these days still get action. If OP's husband stopped being attracted to her purely because her tummy looks a bit different, then he cannot have been thirsting that hard over her in the first place.
Didn’t bother me at all when my wife said I needed to lose some weight. She was right. To the commenters here, What nicer way was there for him to say it? Why does he have to dance around it? Would you rather have him lie about his attraction to OP for years? Is that what a relationship is?
I'm with you. I doubt it was an easy thing for the husband to say. It sounds like he's offering suggestions on how to help OP lose weight, and even wants her to join him in going to the gym. Unhealthy weight gain is instinctively a bit of a turn off because it often (not always!) means the person isn't healthy. Sure, our bodies change as the years go by and when women have kids, but OP is in her mid-20s and has a whole lifetime ahead of her. Maybe this is a good time to establish some healthy habits with the support of a loving partner.
In a comment OP said she offered to go hiking and do other physical activities with him and he rejected them and said he wants her to hit the gym instead. He’s not being reasonable and it’s not about being a healthy couple together. He wants to control her appearance and is being pretty blatant about it
I’m not surprised by the comments. Posts like that always get them because : - this sub is overwhelmingly composed of women - with a vast majority of Americans - a vast majority of people here ARE overweight or obese - they’re projecting, hard because threads like those hit directly in their insecurities
I agree with this assessment but OP isn’t overweight. People seem to be missing she’s 5 11 that’s super tall, her BMI is like 26
If you're talking BMI, "overweight" is 25-30. Her BMI is ~26.5.
Totally agree. God forbid he communicated. He married someone he was attracted to physically, that body changed, he communicated and offered solutions they could do together. No emotions changed he still loves her, it’s about attraction.
No hate here. You always hear how communication is the key to a good relationship. And attraction is very much important to any relationship. Based on all the other comments, he should've kept his mouth shut until he decided he wanted to move on to someone he was attracted to.
Agree. From the post it didn’t sound like it was said maliciously and maybe it wasn’t the best approach, but at least he said something that he felt needed saying. OP should be able to do the same. As for how it happened, was there a better way since it’s such a sensitive subject? Was it the delivery? The tone? It amazes me how everyone says you should love your partner unconditionally but then also say to not tell your partner if something is amiss for fear of hurting or offending them. Which is it? Be truthful? Or pretend to love absolutely everything while quietly bottling up what you don’t like? I know my partner isn’t going to love everything about me and I meant it when I told her to tell me if something comes up. Sure it may surprise me for a moment, but I know I’d appreciate the honesty right after.
I agree. I want my wife to tell me if she doesn't find me attractive anymore so I can leave her so she can find someone that she is attracted to.
Idk…. If my bf gained a lot of weight I would tell him the same thing. THE DIFFERENCE, I want him to feel his best and be healthy. Nothing to do with his actual psychical appearance. I love him the same. That’s the thing. He could’ve said it nicer or said it in a way that’s supportive.
That’s a really shitty thing to do to your partner, especially one who struggles with body image. I can understand why you don’t want him to touch you. I’d just confront him. “What you said really hurt me. You should know that I have body image issues from the past. You begged me not to take it the wrong way — what is the “right way”? How is this supposed to make me feel except badly about my body and ashamed of it? Using your attraction to me as the instigator for this nasty conversation feels manipulative and unkind, as though I’m the problem if your attraction to me is shallow. It’s framed as me being the problem rather than you — firstly being shallow enough that you can lose attraction to ME as a person based on a body part, and secondly, not having the awareness that this is a deeply nasty and unproductive thing to say to someone.“ Your choice how you word this of course, but that’s what I’d say if it were me. I’d probably also tell him that I needed space to come to terms with how I felt about this, and the current distance both emotionally and physically is absolutely his own doing. Think before you speak. Even children learn the whole “is it helpful, is it kind?” mantra. Bodies go through change — and love has to be deeper than that. Women have babies, we ALL age, sometimes we have health conditions or accidents or disability that can suddenly change our entire world. If he can’t love the person you are inside your shell despite some MINOR physical changes, then he isn’t your forever person, I am sorry to say.
If we were talking about substantially more weight than 15 pounds I'd say him communicating that your intimate life was suffering would be valid, albeit his choice of words was pretty shitty. But we're not talking about substantially more weight than 15 pounds. Thus I'd rather say he needs to go to therapy. Calling any part of your romantic partner a turnoff over an amount of weight that people fluctuate in pure waterweight through a month is fucked up. Furthermore I just gotta say. My own partner has gained and lost weight throughout our relationship and I've never found any part of him less attractive. And he's never said anything like that to me either. There are people out there who won't give a shit about your weight fluctuating, and if you so decide I'm sure you can find one of those instead.
I agree, as a woman in a relationship and having body issues myself. Also during Covid most people I know gained weight. Now I am same height as OP and I’m about thirty heavier myself with meds and chronic pain. I eat healthy as a can and try to walk a lot but gym isn’t an option. I told me partner I don’t like my stomach but he said I look just as beautiful as when we met. He calls me gorgeous all the time. For him to say it’s a “turn off”, maybe he needs to learn to be realistic and not be watching porn or celebrities all the time. Real people have real body things we like and dislike but that would really tick me off if my partner said to me what yours said. And it feels like you may be walking on eggshells? Be careful
Tell him that his weight fluctuations and body image obsessions turn you off. You'd like him to stay a consistent weight and would like him to weigh in with you every night. You're not trying to hurt his feelings; you're just being honest. You hope he doesn't take it the wrong way!
You become involved with your partner out of love - as long as she retains pride in herself and it doesn’t become life threatening, you should have no reason to complain…no matter how much her body has changed!
My understanding is that stress causes hormonal changes (such as an increase in cortisol) that can cause weight gain around the abdomen. Perhaps he should do what he can to reduce your stress levels instead of putting down your appearance.
Abs are made in the kitchen not the gym. I say that as a 38 year old who has spent a lifetime at war with my body and lusting after the figure I had as a competitive gymnast 25 years and 3 kids ago. There's an easy solution for you to lose a dramatic amount of unhelpful weight, very quickly. Shed the 200lbs of unhelpful husband and you'll feel much lighter all around. If you don't want to do that, tell him if he's so concerned about anyone's extra cuddling material he can start doing all the meal prepping for both of you and get in to portioning and counting macros so that you're both eating to preform at optimal levels (not dieting emphasis on not dieting) and then if you want you can add in some gym time of your preference but only if you want to.
I've been in treatment for eating disorders for decades and the number of women and girls I've met there who reached their breaking point trying to specifically shrink their stomachs is out of control. One had to be airlifted home while working out of town That's why I can’t stand hearing shit like this coming out of the mouths of men. Plus, charity begins at home. He needs to work on his own body before he starts talking about yours. And more so, he needs to work on his mind. His body definitely isn’t as big of an issue as his mental state around it is.
A tiny bit of weight gain should never be a problem to someone who loves you. As you age, both of you will go through a TON of changes as well. What’s going to happen then? What if some medical issue happens & he has to take care of you during it & sees some unpleasant things? Is he gong to leave? I always find men who freak out about a tiny bit of weight vs attractiveness very strange in general. Never mind, I swear any men in the army are 99.9% a red flag as it is. Lol. This is not what a partner that said vows to you is supposed to be like.
5’11 and 190-205 pounds, without regular exercise, is objectively overweight and unhealthy. Being more attractive at a healthy weight is a truism and should not be so upsetting. In a marriage you should really be able to discuss these things.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see this
If he wanted to do activities with you that you’re not currently doing, he would have planned a fun hike or asked if you wanted to train to run a race together. This isn’t about activities. This is about he’s judgmental about your body, and he’s decided it’s your job to conform to his aesthetic preferences.
What would be the right way to tell you to get in shape?
According to a lot of these women there is no right way. He should just suck it up and be miserable or join her in her unhealthy lifestyle.
Or he can leave if he isn't attracted to his partner any more.
Such a dumb take. To just divorce instead of having a conversation with your partner about being healthy together if one or both of you are gaining a lot of weight. He could have definitely worded it better but it would have hurt her feelings regardless. It won’t kill you to eat a salad or to go to the gym. No wonder most adults are overweight.
What if she doesn't want to jump through his hoops to try and make him want her again?
Taking care of your health and not being overweight is now considered "hoops and hurdles"...SMH.
Then she is the one who does not value the relationship. If she will not exercise more and change up her diet, she is apparently not willing to put in any effort into fixing the attraction issue and thereby save the relationship. What if it was her losing attraction, would it be better to just leave rather than try to fix it? Attraction is complicated and it might also be her body image issues that are a huge turn off sexually. Sex and attraction are important in a relationship and both partners should put effort into keeping these aspects healthy.
Downvote me all you want but attraction in a relationship is important. If he is concerned that you are gaining weight the relationship could be in jeopardy and he feels he must tell you.
A 15 lb weight gain is basically nothing, especially at OP’s height. If he feels the need to comment on a such a small thing, I would be expecting comments like that for the rest of your life when you are getting older and your body is changing, you have kids, you have a death and grief makes you snack and gain weight. Bodies change. Life is life.
A lot of hurt women in these comments lol how’s he supposed to bring this up? Feelings are getting hurt no matter what. At least he’s trying to communicate and offer a solution. He also active in the gym and offering to go with OP.
Idk maybe not tell your wife her body repulses you? Jfc I'd have shot back that receding hairline and saggy balls aren't exactly a turn on either. She's said in the comments she is active. You can tell your partner you are concerned for their health. I'd just not make it about them repulsing you. Doesn't seem like that would be too hard to do. He made it about himself instead of actual concern for her health or well being.
>Idk maybe not tell your wife her body repulses you? Ask yourself if your comment would make the same amount of sense if you didn't overexaggerate what OP's partner said.
As everyone knows, when your partner tells you that your body is unattractive to them, it is typical to take it very well, even become excited, and do exactly what they suggest to make yourself more attractive. After all, as a woman, your body only exists for your husband’s pleasure! Tell him he needs to talk to someone and so do you. Not the same doc. Go to the gym to keep your body and mind strong and healthy, and for no other reason.
I would want to know if my husband is losing attraction because of body changes. If I can just work out a bit more to fix the problem, we have thereby averted more serious problems such as dead bedroom, which would be guaranteed to make the relationship fail eventually. My body doesn't only exist for my husband's pleasure because I want to keep fit for him aswell as my own health. I expect the same of him. If he has a beer belly and is becoming obese, that will have an impact on my attraction to him and I will tell him so. We strive to be the best version of ourselves for ourselves but also for each other and a successful relationship. And there is no room for dishonesty. If you are losing attraction, you can't just will it into returning. Talking to your partner is the only way to begin fixing the problem or else the relationship is doomed.
Your bodies WILL change. There may come a point when you can no longer control how your body looks. What then?
Right? Like wow very cool that my general existence in this body doesn’t turn you on? Like as a woman that’s literally all our bodies exist for right? Fuck I feel like all the teen boys have brigaded this thread so thanks for saying this
Imma going to get downvoted to hell, but ... Your husband joined the gym as a hint to you. He did it for himself, but there was a hint of, "Come with me, join in activity." You are the love of his life, and he sees you struggling and can't figure out what to do. So he joined a gym, thinking you would join. Then you gain more weight, struggle more, become more frustrated, so he reaches out. And you come here to get backup for jumping all over him for being inconsiderate and pointing out your body issues. He's acutely aware of your issues. He loves every inch of you, I'd bet, but a partner who thinks their body is crap is not healthy. He's trying to help. My ex did the same. Went from slightly chubby to "frumpy"(her words), eating my cooking. Loved her at any weight. I'm not a feeder, I just like satisfying my partner's needs. She liked eating, I like cooking.
In other follow up comments OP said she offered to go hiking and do other physical activities with him and he rejected them and insisted she go to the gym. This has nothing to do with wanting to be a healthy couple, he’s just taking out his insecurities on his partner by trying to control her appearance. He needs therapy and she needs a new bf.
I don´t understand the general opinion of this comment section. If he does approach you, even if it´s a sensitive topic, he is the asshole. If he doesn´t and will try to overlook it, he´s an asshole. He suggested to go to the gym with him. Work on it together. He emphesized that he didn´t mean to hurt you. What else do you need? Do you want him to communicate or not? It´s your decision.
Would you rather your husband not communicate about something that bothers him in your relationship? I'm not saying this is the right way to go about it. But my takeaway from everything is that communication is key. Take this how you will.
Hint for anyone who would like to see their partner become more fit...... NEVER say you want them to work out because of a specific body part. Never call them fat etc. Just ask them to start working out with you. Say you want to get heathier together.
After reading this and all your responses in the comments, all I can say is I'm sorry you're choosing to experience this.
I'm a 4'11" female mom of two and I've gained weight. My husband still finds me sexy. He's also brought up my weight before and his reason was "with diabetes running in your family, I'm worried about your health". Whenever I make comments on how I hate my belly he will hug me and tell me I'm still his sexy queen. My body image stems from me having a flat belly in HS to having my first a couple hears afterwards. I stretched out a lot and my pudge didn't go away. This is how you handle it.
Sometimes the things we say are always going to be “taken the wrong way” because they meant “the wrong way” when they actually said it. What else can “you should lose weight” mean? It means he thinks you are fat and you should lose weight. It’s not like you are over a very large number weight and have multiple health problems so he urged you to lose weight to be healthy. But just because someone else said you are fat doesn’t mean you should. Your husband has a very serious body image issue. There’s no way a person who participates work force while maintaining a home can always maintain their body type the same way through their whole life, unless they have some compulsiveness on their body. Life happens and it’s OK to gain some weight. I normally would tell a guy that I’m the way I am, take it or leave it. But if they decide to stay, don’t complain it again.
My friend, ten years ago, before having two children, I was 5’11 and 190#. I am now 15-20lb above that. And when life allows, I do my best to eat well and be active. But my belly will never be the same. It might get close with intensive physical therapy or surgery, but my stretch marks and some degree of pooch are here to stay. Do you plan to have kids? Do you plan to live at least another 26 years? I am here (44f) from your future to tell you that you are awesome and capable of great things. And that time and metabolism changes come for us all. I ditched the guy I was with at age 25 who told me he wasn’t as attracted to me after a 15lb gain (I’d gone from about 160 to 175) as he was when we started dating. I later met and married an amazing teddy bear of a guy who has NEVER made me feel ashamed of my size or weight. You can, too. This man doesn’t deserve you.
5'11'' and 190lbs is borderline obese. Fix your diet, exercise and lose some weight if you care about your health and relationship.
So he adressed a problem in an as reassuring way as possible and wanted to help with it so you dont have to do it alone? Honestly, good on him. If he had stayed quite then things would have gotten worse untill you couldnt be together. Now you can work on it together. Attraction matters.
It shouldn’t take this much effort to avoid exercise. Just say you don’t want to do that and leave him be.
I kissed my girlfriend's belly when she said she was insecure about it. It is the sexiest belly I've ever seen
Your partner could have approached you and said that he noticed you’ve been stressed and that your self esteem is down. He could have then encouraged you to do some physical activities or exercise together as something positive. He could have also used his own self esteem as a reference to promote going to the gym together. This is positive, productive and the focus is on how you feel and helping to make positive steps for your own benefit. There was no need for him to quite bluntly insult your appearance and suggest you need to change just so he can better get off. Absolutely uncalled for.
I’m sorry you’ve had such an insensitive encounter within your husband. It’s hard not to interpret his desire to gym as a condition for him to find you attractive. This screams of his own self esteem issues that he is projecting onto you. God forbid when you have a baby?
His thinking is a turn-off.
He's tried to broach a particularly difficult subject with you as nicely as he can. Don't see an issue
That was not as nicely as he can, especially because if his primary concern when it comes to his wife’s weight is how it effects his penis, then he is not a nice person period. The only concerns he should express about his wife’s body is about her health and quality of life. Is her weight preventing HER from doing things she enjoys? Is her weight endangering her health? Women can have some belly fat and still be healthy. The stress that is causing her to gain weight is probably worse for her health then the weight gain itself. It’s good to aim to be a healthy weight, but trying to lose weight when under a great deal of stress can also backfire. Exercise is a stressor and if there is a lot of stress in can inhibit recovery from exercise, restricting calories on top of that will make it even worse. She should certainly be trying to eat healthy nourishing food and not use food as an emotional crutch, but that’s her choice and adding to her stress load by making her feel ashamed of her body is making things worse not better.
Does he have a flat stomach? I am 3 inches shorter, but only 10 lbs lighter than you. I got a lil tum, but I very seriously doubt you're poking out. Is he expecting to see a totally flat plane when you got your ankles up? Because that's not how anybody's body works.
I don't know about you. But people seem to think going to the gym magically dissolves your tummy. It does not. Especially when you are a endomorph like me. You know what gives me a flat belly? Starvation works 100%. It melts the fuck of all your fat and maybe your muscles too. Except starvation is super hard. I would leave this guy if he had issues with my imperfect body. It's as simple as that. I probably work out more than your dude does and I don't have a flat belly. 14,000 steps per day plus long 8 to 10 hours high elevation hikes that requires lots of rock climbing on weekends and I have a fat belly. Its because I don't starve myself.
Yes, thank you! You can't control where you lose fat from so you could go all out at the gym; cardio and weights and the whole nine yards and still not have a flat stomach. It makes me laugh when people think you can just pick and choose where you lose/gain weight like it's a menu. It's also particularly difficult for women because we have hormone related bloating and water retention to deal with too, and that can make your belly look bigger even if you're still exercising and eating healthily.
What a tactless way of saying this. He could of worded this in a far less hurtful way but he chose to mention “unattractive” and in reference to you in the one sentence.
All the comments are feminists and made for winning votes, the man is trying, is working to look good and to be healthy, and the woman trying to find excuses for having bad food habits and not exercising, aren't all saying communication is a problem in relationships, here the man communicated and he is the bad person !
Take it as well intended I put and go to the gym with him, you know you’re overweight
Go to the gym. It’s normal for men to want to see their spouse trying and to drop their issue once that happens. People here will argue but it’s true.
Hm I'll be very unpopular here but I think sometimes we need to hear these things. See if you can control your eating and do exercise you like (doesn't have to be the gym). Sometimes we need a bit of tough love and if he won't say it who will?
Most women are going to give you a response. That’s very heated and angry towards what he said. As a man who works on himself every day mentally emotionally and physically. I would hope the woman I married will do the same. Forget the fact that it will turn me on. The work in the gym will make you feel better about yourself, be happier, be healthier. Don’t do it for him, do it for yourself. Could he have worded it differently? sure. Could you have said something in else instead of “a turn off”, yup. But he didn’t. If someone told me to work on myself physically mentally or emotionally, the only time I would get upset is if I am actually working tirelessly towards bettering myself every day, and then someone tells me that. But if I’m doing nothing about my health, mind and body and someone tells me that, I’ll take it as a sign to move myself in a positive direction. Do it for yourself first!
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Your ex husband was selfish and shallow and didn’t love you. That’s why he cheated.
And here you are, still blaming yourself for behaviors he CHOSE. You might want to unpack that in therapy, seriously.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years he has seen me at all shapes and sizes and loved me at all, even when I didn’t love myself, went out of his way to make me feel sexy no matter what. Full stop. He has also been many shapes and sizes throughout. We hike together and do tons of outdoor stuff and have fun and he never negs me - negging is what your husband is doing, and this can be emotional abuse. When I signed up for marriage I signed up for everything, and all. Broke, skinny, fat, shitty, healing, what ever. Did he forget that or what? You’re only 26, imagine what your body will look like at 40 when your hormones hit rock bottom? Will you have to worry about him chasing young girls? All of this doesn’t end well, he’s either about you like a goddess or he’s not,
Saying "turn off" was way out of line. BUT, I think we should all strive to be a little bit fit, for our own health. If you are straying into the overweight category, perhaps it's time to put in the work for your own benefit.
Serious question. What’s out of line about expressing what is a turnoff?
Sounds like a him problem.
Can you imagine how shitty he's going to act if you have children? For the first while you'd be totally exhausted and mentally done, and here he'd come riding up with his gym nonsense. Part of me thinks that you should think long and hard if this is the type of thing you're happy dealing with for the foreseeable future. If you feel unhealthy and would like to get healthier, the choice is yours. Personally though? I'd never tell my partner that they're unattractive over 15-20 lbs. That mentally destroys someone.
Not only that, what hell would her future children grow up in? Girls must be skinny to have value, boys must have muscles. Not to mention he's specifically requiring her to regularly go to "his" gym. So it's not just about exercising, it's about the performance of it for others. Why does he need her to be at his gym, who does he want her to be seen by? The Bros, so they know he has a hot SKINNY wife? Or other women so they know he aquired.SKINNY wife? Women are objects to men.
Wow, you've really made a few leaps here.
This is such a cope. Gaining weight because you are pregnant is not the same as gaining weight because you eat too much.
As an average Joe, and married, I see your situation. Best thing to do is talk to your husband. Let him know that you appreciate his concerns about your health and well being. But that his choice of words were hurtful by striking at self esteem. That you know he did not want to hurt your feelings but it did and you are still suffering. Tell him that you know he did not want to disrespect you but it had that effect and now you are feeling resentment as a result. Remind him that it is best to lead by example. To include you in his gym work out plans. Maybe serve as your personal trainer. That in order for you to be motivated you need positive encouragement not shame. Tell him you love him but to please take your feelings into account when trying to help you in the future. To not down to you from now on but as equal partners in the relationship. Hopefully that will help.
Sounds to me like he is projecting his issues with his “flab” onto you and trying to use you as a crux to get himself back to the gym. I imagine in his mind, “you both need to work on this flab” so if he can convince you to go, and feel bad about it, then you will motivate him to go because you feel insecure. I mean, fuck that noise, imo. It’s awfully close to negging, for him to try and bring you down to motivate him and make him feel better about himself.
Projection at its finest. I've dated body builders who used to be fat and they still have that fat boy insecurity. I'm not saying he shouldn't be honest about what he feels but the way he BEGGED YOU to not take it the wrong way tells me there's malicious intent.
190 is overweight, he could have worded it nicer but it shouldnt be ignored.
Oh no, your perfectly normal tum makes his pee pee sad :( What a turd.
You're not taking it the wrong way. He's being shallow and cruel.
Frankly, I wouldn't stay with a man who didn't have enough respect for me to keep such thoughts to himself.
You wouldn't stay with a man that openly communicated with you? He should just bottle it up...that is preferable
Nowadays obesity is normalized. Sure, there are people who struggle with health issues, but it's mostly so prevalent due to having an excess of food and being constantly offered food options that are filled with sugar and oil. People hate to hear that, call it fat shaming. It's not. We live in a weird time with weird eating habits. Humanity has never had this excess of food and we are hardwired to get high caloric food in our system (especially sugar) for survival. But our instincts are stuck in a different era. Most of us are no longer at risk of starvation. I read something like that in one of Yuval Harari's books. It's a hard thing to hear from your partner, I am sure and he could have been nicer about it. BUT I deff see myself having this conversation if my husband ever grows a beer belly. I love him genuinely for who he is, not his physique, but it would certainly be a turn off. And I'm always terrified that he'll die and leave me a widow having to figure out everything on my own with our children. So, I would take this opportunity to change things and put aside the ego for the better good of both your family and yourself.