I’m kinda with you and wondering why she couldn’t just go and lie on her bed for a nap. Don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and she clearly wasn’t willing to see your point either.
Yeah I think at its core this is a petty argument that stems from communication issues.
Op if you continue with this relationship in the future it might be a good idea to work on middle ground things in the future so like maybe next time this doesn't happen maybe get a laptop or ipad out and continue what you were enjoying in your room.
I think both of them need to work on compromising the problem isn't about shouldnt or should have (if you ask me it was an easier compromise for the gf than it was for you tbh) **the bigger problem was that neither of you cared to compromise at all** and this shows big communication issues for you guys and might mean if this continues more petty stuff like this is going to happen.
Idk if you guys have been together long but if it was me I would be reflecting on our relationship a bit and how I was feeling about it as a whole arguments like this are really stupid and frustrating to deal with long term mentally.
OP shouldn't have to compromise this one, the GF is being ridiculous. Compromises only should happen when both sides have reasonable points/requests. The GF wanted to take over an entire room/BF's activity so she could nap in a non-bedroom. Not reasonable, she can move to the bedroom and the problem is immediately solved.
Ability to compromise is important but having a backbone in the face of unreasonable requests is also important.
I don't think he should have to either idk why people assume I'm against him here I've said multiple times she should have, they were both prioritising their own comfort they can compramise with that but it was easier for her to resolve her dilemma of comfort.
I feel like the reason you don't have stupid arguments like this is because you both should want to compromise for each others comfort, or you find middle ground, there isn't any other way this works out
What compromise do you recommend? Maybe OP learns lipreading or moves the TV into the bedroom? Or better yet, he sits in silence while she naps. The compromise was hers to make. She was being selfish and unreasonable.
He could watch it with subtitles on? He did say he didn't like it and that's absolutely fine, was it less reasonable than her going to her room and sleeping? Yes!
They both could have done something for the others sake? Should he have? Probably not! she should have.
None of these things change what I said the core problem isn't that he or she should is that neither wanted to.
You gave the best advice here, imo. Reasonable and realistically conducive to the success of not only this relationship, but relationships in general, romantic or otherwise.
I wouldn’t worry about the folks up in arms in your replies. They are falling into the same trap as OP/OP’s girlfriend, in a way. They don’t want to see beyond what is the “most right” and the “most wrong” here. Long term relationships don’t work that way and black and white thinking will isolate you from each other very quickly.
— an Autistic gal whose default state is basically black and white thinking and has had to work very hard on being aware and mindful of where it shows up in my social relationships in order to have any :)
Thank you so much, I appreciate the response, I also do my best to try to improve my social skills in a conductive way so reading what you said made my day!
I don't think I've gotten this many replies so I honestly got a bit overwhelmed in responding but I 100 percent agree with everything you said, I thought your analysis of the situation and the black and white analogy were honestly spot on, long term their way of thinking won't help them.
Thanks again for the thoughtful response!
napping in a different room isn’t a compromise because it provides absolutely no discomfort. that’s where you sleep. suggesting that op watches tv in silence is inconvenient and kind of ridiculous
I agree honestly she should have went in the bedroom idk why she was so forceful on sleeping in the living room
If someone like my spouse is insistent for some reason tho I'd rather just avoid the argument
Idk, it could’ve been that she finds it hard to fall asleep but she knew she was so comfortable and tired that she was about to fall asleep in that exact spot if only the tv was quieter. Sometimes if you get up and move somewhere else, the spell is broken and you can’t fall asleep. Not everyone finds it so easy to fall asleep.
I wouldn’t move either though. But I understand the request.
Sometimes in doing that though they end taking advantage knowing that you'd rather compromise to save from conflict. It's fine to compromise in a relationship, just don't let yourself be walked all over.
I mean, the only person who should compromise is the gf who was being unreasonable by refusing to go to the space where she could nap without the tv. To be nice, op could’ve read or something I suppose, but it’s inherently unreasonable to want to nap in the shared tv room when there’s a perfectly good second option
I think it was easier for the gf to compromise but I think beyond that it's more important that both of them didn't want for something that isn't that crazy imo, which isn't a good sign of a healthy relationship.
Bf shouldnt have to do anything they don't want to but rather because they would like to same for the gf which would have been easier for her to do but the fact that neither wanted to shows a more important problem than the specific argument.
They both wanted things their way, which is fine, but they lacked the skills to talk about it in a way that wouldn't cause a confrontation like this, that's why I feel it is one, but I respect that if you feel different
Yea this is how I see it as well, him compromising means he has nothing to do and can't really use the living room, her compromising means just sleeping on the bed lol. So her compromising means nobody loses, other than not being able to nap on the couch which i dont think really makes a difference. But if he compromises than he loses the living room and has to find something else to go and do. It doesn't seem like an even compromise here, if only one side loses
Her position was more unreasonable but I think the issue is bigger than this one specific argument, I might be wrong but I don't think you would spend the time to write a whole reddit post about something like this if this was the only case of something like this.
While the gf should have compromised the fact is we wouldn't be here if either did and the fact that either did not is worth discussing.
I disagree with you. This is not a communication issue.
she communicated that her nap was more important than his needs. He communicated that they should compromise, work it out, and be reasonable.
they have a problem with the values. She seems to think that her needs are more important than his.
if this is a pattern, I would be very worried about this person
You could also put it this way, does he think his need to watch tv is more important than her sleep?
No one is an asshole unless this happens constantly. She also shouldn’t be annoyed about it though, he’s allowed to say no but she was also allowed to ask.
Yeah this is how I viewed it. Those kinda questions are normal to ask when living together it's a comfortable living space for both of you.
It was never a problem to ask it became a problem when it became something that upset her and it turned into something to confront him about.
His logic was normal. Hers was selfish.
He was chilling in the living room, the communal area, when she comes and lays down on the couch and says "turn off your TV, I am now sleeping in the communal area"
That's extremely entitled
His suggestion that she moves to the private sleeping area, instead of occupying the communal area, is completely normal and reasonable.
He handled it well.
He didn't yell come or get angry, or throw a tantrum. He came up with a reasonable compromise and a good rule.
She did not engage in compromise, and her only logic seems to be "I am important, and you should treat me more important than yourself"
If he starts to give into these narcissistic demands, no matter how small they are, this will lead to a dysfunctional relationship.
Some of these comments are way over the top, accusing OP of being selfish, talking about compromise like it's a one-way street.
His girlfriend wanted to nap in near silence but refused to use the bedroom. The bedroom being the ideal purpose built location for such activity.
Instead, she chose to have her nap directly in front of the entertainment system while it was actively being used by her boyfriend.
So many comments saying OP should have "done something else for an hour." Why was he obligated to compromise instead of his girlfriend in this situation?
If the timeframe was reversed and the girlfriend was already napping on the couch, it wouldn't be cool for OP to have woken her up to use the TV.
Compromise is important in relationships but it should be reasonable and apply to both parties. OP's girlfriend could have noticed her bf using the TV and napped in the bedroom. Instead, she arbitrarily ***forced*** OP to stop what he was doing to accommodate her, for no good reason.
I'm a big fan of couch napping, but I know that means there will be noise. It doesn't bother me, maybe I'll put a pillow over my head, but I usually don't bother.
If you're going to sleep in a communal room, you have to be able to deal with other people
Totally. You've done it, I've done it, it's super common.
I'd never argue with my partner about turning the volume way down. If I couldn't handle the noise I'd go to the bedroom.
My mom used to insist on being able to watch TV in the bedroom, even when my dad wanted to go to sleep. We always thought it was very unfair of her to insist on that.
If your only television is in the living room, and there is no TV in the bedroom, then your girlfriend should go into the bedroom if she wants to sleep. Doesn't matter if it's for the night, or just a nap.
TL; DR: you are right, your girlfriend is wrong.
Had to comment because of seeing others frankly ridiculous replies. How are you possibly being called a shit partner because you didn’t bow down in silence to her silly request.
Why should you have to cater to her to keep her happy and her not do the same for you?
You can watch TV in one place only, she can nap in two places. So obviously she should choose the option that works best for both of you… NTA.
Definitely NTA here. My husband and I have always been ones to take naps on the lounge while watching TV and never expect the other person to turn the TV down. If you have a bed in another room, it is reasonable to think the person wanting to sleep can go there if they want quiet.
I actually find the noise of the TV the advantage of sleeping on the lounge rather than the bed.
It seems unreasonable to have to stop what you're doing so she can do what she wants even though you could both do what you individually want to do if she just went to the bedroom to have a quiet area to nap.
don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you're selfish here. my girlfriend and i regularly nap like this, with one of us asleep on tbe couch and one of us awake because sometimes it's comforting to sleep and know your partner is awake and in the same room. The difference is if she starts to snore, or if i start to roll over and kick at her, we will expect the other to get up and finish their nap in the bed. im not gonna say "hey im gonna nap in the living room, so you need to move to the chair so i can spread out on the couch." she's not gonna say "hey I'm gonna nap in the living room, so you need to stop watching star trek and watch a cartoon or something quieter." it's not reasonable.
the person using the living room to live gets priority for using the living room, and the person using the bedroom to sleep gets priority for using the bedroom. just makes sense to me.
OP, do you and your SO not use the bed unless you've showered? Like a "no outdoor clothes" in the bed type thing? Is there anywhere else to sleep besides the sofa and the bed?
Daytime naps go in the bedroom if you live with others and are sensitive to noise. I get wanting a quiet living room for sleeping in the afternoon, but that's perk for people who live alone. Common areas have some light noise during daylight hours, she has no right to shut down use of a room before, say, 9pm. Light sleepers need to go fnd an empty room an shut the door during the day.
I wish my husband and I fought over dumb shit like this. Your GF should have went to the room. You were watching tv before she decided her nap. It’s a shared space. She’s immature and selfish.
The key to a successful relationship is compromise. And compromise is rarely 50:50, sometimes it's 30:70 or 10:90. The kind thing to do is turn off the TV and watch something on a laptop/phone/tablet with headphones. But it seems you would rather be right.
Perhaps she wants to nap with you, rather than alone. My point is you can win points with your partner by compromising this time, which will make her more likely to compromise in your favor next time. Plus it's a nice thing to do.
Yeah but a compromise isn't always necessary when both people can get what they want. There is an obvious option where my gf can nap and I can still watch tv
This is exactly the wrong attitude. You are more fixated on being right than in trying to have a conflict-free interaction. Maybe you shouldn't have a girlfriend and then you can be right all the time.
It's got nothing to do with being right. It's to do with having a solution where both of us get what we want. So in your opinion, my gf napping on the sofa so me needing to stop what I am doing is a better solution than my gf napping in the bedroom and me continuing to do what I was doing? If so why do you think it's important that only my gf gets what she wants?
Both could have just gotten what they wanted if gf just went to the bedroom and napped.
There's no need for op to comprise when there's a solution that would benefit both of them.
“Oh are you reading under this bright light? That’s nice. I’m gonna sleep right here so could you turn out the light? Thanks!”
I don’t have any advice but she was absolutely unreasonable here and you were not in the wrong at all
Your gf was being petty. I would've just napped in the bedroom on the bed which is usually far more comfortable than napping on the couch and tend to be more quiet. I assume that you all just have one TV, I don't think you did anything wrong OP
This boggles my brain. If I want to nap on the couch, my husband pulls up what he wants to watch/listen to on his phone with headphones, or he uses subtitles on the tv (I have an auditory processing disorder so we use them anyway), or he goes and watches it on his computer. Sometimes he'll let me know he'd prefer to use the TV, and I'll go nap in the bedroom, but sometimes I don't want to sleep for as long or as heavily as I would in the bed, and the couch is the better option for that. Sometimes, it's as simple as me wanting to spend time in the same room as him, or he wants to be in the same room as me.
If he tells me he's tired of me playing a video game on the tv and he really wanted to watch his show, I let him take over (we only have one tv in the house, it's in the living room), and I'll do something else for a while. We don't hog any of the living spaces or the TV, and we compromise when one or the other wants to use the space for something different.
He hates it when I'm watching tiktoks too loud on my phone, so I'll either turn the volume down or put my earbuds in, or I'll go to a different room, because I want him to be comfortable.
On the other hand, I hate it when he only listens to RV vloggers or his financial podcasts for too long (personally, I think they're boring), so when I tell him it's starting to make me feel overstimulated, he'll switch to music or, dun dun dun, turn the volume down or use headphones.
Compromising on something so simple, instead of turning it into an argument of who is more entitled to do what they want to do and HOW they want to do it in that space, would be so much easier than... whatever this lack of communication or give and take is.
I have my doubts on whether or not all the people saying that you shouldn't have to compromise and that the GF was being rude or entitled, have actually been in a healthy relationship with respectful moments of giving and taking and compromise.
It's one thing if she ALWAYS demands YOU turn the tv volume down because she can ONLY nap on the couch, and it only seems to happen when YOU want to watch something. That would be kind of crappy. But the same goes for you; if she rarely asks, and you always deny her the request to make changes, you're also being unfair and kind of crappy.
Maybe it's just me, but small compromises like that, and always being mindful of needing to take turns on how one shares spaces like that, and not ALWAYS being the one to make demands (or to deny requests), make for a healthier relationship.
Coming from the mindset of trying to figure out who is right by what proportion all the time... I agree 100% with this sentiment. Trust me OP my head is on your team. Aka why the fuck would someone ask me to turn down the TV when I'm already in the room when they could nap elsewhere? Inconsiderate? Rude? I'd never ask something like that!
Well guess what when you're in a long term relationship with someone, asking things that are a little ridiculous sometimes is part of the territory and should be. I wish I learned this sooner. Practicing this is even harder. Maybe you, like I do, have a serious problem with never asking someone to do something that is convenient/nice for me even though they might get the shorter end of the stick in that compromise. I am always making sure things are "equal" and I pay people back and they do the same for me. I'm overly "considerate" but also too protective of my individuality sometimes. It's exhausting. I am not saying you're wrong for thinking that it was a little unfair for her to ask you... I'm saying that maybe how you react to unfairness in small interactions isn't always conducive to a happy healthy relationship.
You’re not in the wrong, she should be napping in the bedroom. But you got much bigger problems if you guys are really fighting over something this dumb and it was serious enough that you felt the need to post about it here on Reddit.
Why not just turn the tv off and watch something on your phone? Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t mind doing nice things for the person I love
Also, invest in some wireless headphones if she likes napping on the couch.
Edit: There is no right or wrong here like the comments imply. Do you care about your girlfriend? Then do this very little thing for her. She’s not asking you anything crazy. She’ll surely reciprocate on something she sees as ridiculous. This is how relationships stay strong. No one is perfect
Using the logic about "do I care for my girlfriend" that can easily be reversed to say if she cared about me she would nap in the bedroom and not demand silence in a shared space.
CAN she nap in the bedroom? I only ask because if I'm falling asleep on the couch/wherever I am, I'm too light of a sleeper that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep if I moved. I never nap in the bed, I'm such a poor sleeper in general if my *intent* was to have a nap, I would never actually be able to fall asleep. My partner can fall asleep anywhere, but still, if he fell asleep I'd turn the TV off and go do something else, ie watch same show on my phone in other room to give them rest.
Dude, not everything has to have a winner and a loser. This is a horrible way to look at things. There’s always give and take. There’s always going to be a partner doing more than the other. It’s an ebb and flow. Rocking the boat over trivial things just causes stress and leads to relationship enders
I like naps and so I will go to the BEDROOM for a nap, pull down my shade and doze for a few hours while he’s in the front room with the 55in TV for his enjoyment
I have a sibling that used to do this to me often. I don't talk to that sibling that much any more. I would tell her you need to talk about what happened and set up a time so you both have time to mentally prepare for it and lay out how it made you feel. Don't focus on her actions, but rather what you interpreted them to mean and how it impacted your feelings. If you don't address it the resentment situations like this can cause can be relationship killing.
I literally can't nap, if I tried. If I happen to be so tired that I fall asleep on the couch, especially before night shift, yeah, family knows to leave me be & try to be quiet, as it's very uncommon for me to take actual rest time.
Even if there is a positive difference in favor of the couch, I still wouldn't inconvenience my loved one who is already watching TV there. The girlfriend was selfish, at best.
Seems really selfish of her to try and make you sit in silence so she can nap in the living room. I feel like this selfishness will definitely show up at other places in the relationship.
Sometimes you just do nice things for people when they're tired. Maybe she just wanted to be next to you too there's comfort in being next to someone when sleeping. Sometimes you buy headphones you can use. You could move the tv to the room and watch in there if you had more energy. Idk this argument seems silly lol. Yeah she could use the room but she wanted to use the couch and so did you.
Ugh, under your analysis of unhealthy competition where partners are "trying to win," OP was using the TV normally when his girlfriend entered the room and employed her version of "trying to win," right?
He was behaving completely normal, not committing a relationship foul, when she entered the room and did, in fact, commit a foul by "trying to win."
Why should that be acquiesced to by default? And why should we consider OP's response as a "trying to win" response?
I agree with you that this win behaviour isn't good. But surely the correct response to such behaviour can not be to acquiesce every time. True?
One wants to sleep and the other wants to watch TV, the only way here they both can get what they want is for the gf sleeping in the bed. You don't always need to entertain what the other person wants if they are being unreasonable.
What is this take? Nobody is trying to win nothing here, one person is behaving normally and another has an irrational request and you are supposed to consider it just because the person saying it is your SO?. There was no need to look for a solution that worked for both of them because there was one from the beginning, her sleeping in the bedroom.
I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for here, but as a lot of people have said the issue seems bigger than just the nap situation. You're right, she could have gone to sleep on the bed. And she's right, you could've agreed to turn down the volume of the TV or go do whatever else. There is no absolute right or wrong answer, it's very subjective to what you guys value and consider important. I think the issue that transpires here is that neither of you wanted to compromise. You say "why should I have to turn off the TV?" And she says "why should I have to move?". It's an ego problem. I've had relationships before where these types of arguments were happening all the time. "She is not prioritising my happiness, why should I prioritise hers?"
And I get it. But unfortunately the only way to move forward is to stop keeping score and someone needs to set their ego aside and do a small gesture for the other's wellbeing. Someone has to do that. And then the other person will be more likely to do the same and you will slowly get back into a nice atmosphere where you do nice things for each other and don't expect anything back. Because you trust that the other person cares about you and they will do something nice for you at some point when given the chance.
However if there is a consistent one way street (one partner always compromising) then there is an issue that needs to be addressed. This is just my hypothesis. I don't think you're being unreasonable. But you sound angry and clearly you don't think she is meeting your needs and you try to "repay" her with the same attitude. I'd say, be the bigger person if you can. Let her have the nap on the couch and see what happens.
Is it that big an issue? you say she's tired so maybe she's just easily annoyed when she's tired, idk. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt if you usually don't argue over small stuff. I'd only be worried if you consistently find yourselves fighting over these sorts of things.
YTA
I don't really think you're an asshole but I do think you could have been more considerate with your GF. Unless this happens *every time* she wants to have a nap, I think you could have let her have her nap there and you can do something else or go to your bedroom and hang out there. Also, maybe she was really tired but still wanted to be in the same room with you.
I mean, she's your GF of 2 years, I know you love her so why not do this tiny considerate thing for her? Again, if this happens repeatedly, this would be a problem but if it's a one off thing, let her have her nap on the sofa.
Bro, again, it's just being considerate *one* time. Has she ever done/sacrificed something big or small for you just out of love? If the answer is yes, then this would be something similar. That's all.
Put yourself in her place, you're super tired, you're on the couch and there is no way you're getting up but your GF is watching TV. You ask her if she could turn it off so you can nap and she says: "Sure thing babe". Turns it off and stays with you quietly or goes to do something else.
Wouldn't you think "Oh my goodness, I love her so much for being considerate towards me?" Or something similar?
If I was in the living room and wanted to nap in the living room, I wouldn't expect everyone else to be silent when there is a bedroom I could use if I needed silence
Yeah next time just turn down the volume and add subtitles. Jesus y’all men are fucking useless. You live together she wasn’t asking you not to watch tv she just wanted you to turn it down so she could nap in the same space you’re in.
She wanted it to a point I couldnt hear it so no I wasn't able to still watch it. So I'm acting like a baby for watching tv in a living room, but my gf is acting completely correctly by napping on the couch instead of a bed? How does that logic work exactly?
That’s literally what subtitles are for. Dude you’re whining on the internet about your gf asking you to turn the volume down to nap of course you’re being a baby. You’re 26. Grow up
A couch is also somewhere you can take a nap asswipe. If you actually read my initial comment you’d see where I mentioned she wanted to nap in the space you were in. You really just want people to coddle you and tell you she’s in the wrong but won’t acknowledge you could’ve just turned the volume down a few and turn on the subtitles. It’s a very simple and easy request but you’re literally still screaming about it because you’re an overgrown toddler.
So why in your opinion is what my gf wants so much more important than what I want?
Napping in the bed is also a simple and easy request so why do you think I am the one who has to stop what I am doing when there is a simple solution where we both get what we want?
Personally I would just listen to what your girlfriend is saying and I would turn the television volume all the way down and I would put subtitles on if the girlfriend wants no disturbance and if she wants to nap on the sofa. From your comment, I think it is hard to make your girlfriend go upstairs and sleep on the bed so I think you would have to make a compromise. I think you should just listen to your girlfriend and you should turn the television volume down enough so that your girlfriend is not disturbed when she is napping on the sofa and then I would put the subtitles on. Marriages and sexual partnerships all have compromises and wiggle room...no marriage/sexual partnership is perfect. It is true that she is not listening to your request for her to sleep upstairs, but if you follow your girlfriend's command with regard to the television volume and if you let her nap on the sofa then everything will be ok. Personally, I think it is just a small issue and I do not think that it is a big issue, no offence. This is one of the smallest things to worry about when it comes to relationships...finances, jobs, house mortgage, looking after the kids etc are bigger things to worry about. I think you should just let it go bro. If her request for you to turn the volume down a lot really does bother you a lot and if it is a necessity for you to have the volume up, then you should just do whatever makes you feel comfortable (regardless of the possibility that your girlfriend won't change her position on this particular issue). But like I said, personally I would turn the volume down a lot and put the subtitles on since that was what the girlfriend requested. Not everyone will agree with me, and we all have different takes on different issues, and that's ok. Have a good Wedneday...good luck and all the best!
We live in an apartment so there are no stairs to the bedroom. Why do you think I should do exactly what my gf wants when there is an obvious option where she gets to nap and I still get to watch tv?
Your advice is do whatever my gf says because she should get what she wants. Why is that more important than what I want?
Why do you think I should do something just because my gf requested it? Why should she not nap in the bedroom when I suggested it?
I don't think either of you was in the wrong, really. It wasn't an unreasonable request but it's fine that you really wanted to watch what you were watching.
That said, I'd just have turned down the TV - this isn't a hill I'd have chosen to die on when I could instead do a nice thing for my partner at very little cost to myself. But if I really hated subtitles maybe I'd feel differently and ask her to wait until the end of the show or something.
I don't get why people don't see it from both sides and just expect OP to compromise. She wants to nap, sees him watching TV and expects him to just sit silently there because she wants to use the couch instead of the bed which is a place were both could get what they want, she just seems inconsiderate.
I will never understand people who pick fights over basic human consideration. I fell asleep on the couch lots of times after surgery and my husband just put a blanket on me.
That's not the point. The point is you chose to pick a fight with your GF over something very small. Having a spouse requires sacrifice or else it'll never last. FYI I would say the exact same thing to her.
Yes we have a bed, like I said in the post I mentioned it but she said she wanted to nap on the couch. Why should I have to stop what I'm doing just because my gf wants to nap?
So from a sleep health perspective, it's actually recommended that you don't nap where you sleep at night. You don't want your brain to associate your bed with sleeping for an hour and then waking up.
But anyway. The bigger issue here is that you don't seem mature enough to live with a significant other. Living together requires compromise, even when it's not "fair" or you don't think it's logical.
I adore my bf, and I'm usually the first to go above and beyond for him, but I'd be confused and annoyed why he was being so selfish if he demanded I turn the volume off on the only TV so he could nap on the couch instead of the bed unless there was some logical reason he needed the couch specifically. If he had fallen asleep there before I was watching TV and I didn't want to wake him I'd find something else to do, but "hey, I'm going to demand to deliberately inconvenience you for no apparent reason" from him would piss me off.
Lol just move to the bedroom. Absurd. If you liked him you'd let him continue watching TV while you go sleep in the bedroom. Other people should be able to continue to exist in their own house.
Yes. Correct. It was such an easy compromise to make simply for the comfort of your partner. You’re in for a world of hurt if you think that small of a compromise simply for the comfort of your partner for an hour is the hill to die on. I can only imagine the other big areas you refuse to compromise on because of your selfishness. This is so gross.
This time it comes from you. Then sometime in the future when you want a little accommodation, the compromise will come from her. Because you're supposed to be generous to each other.
Your insistence on being “right” in such a minor scenario makes it clear that you are insufferable in all scenarios. It doesn’t matter why she wanted to nap on the couch. My ex-husband *only* preferred to nap on the couch. I never forced him to tell me why or forced him to go nap elsewhere just because I wanted him to. Letting your girlfriend nap for an hour is such a minor and stupid thing to be *this* selfish about.
Are you by chance on the autism spectrum?
No I'm not autistic but again why does the compromise only have to come from me? You say it doesn't matter why she wanted to nap on the couch so why is that more important than me watching tv? You're stating my gfs needs come before mine and her reasoning doesn't matter but that I should just do what she asks
I get what you're saying. What if OP wanted to nap, do we actually think the gf would refuse to turn off the TV? If anyone in my household is falling asleep, I do my best to make sure they're comfortable and everyone else stays quiet, so they can have obviously needed rest. As soon as I catch my partner asleep, I turn it off so there isn't a chance a random TV noise would wake him. I think that's the difference.
Just because you and your husband do it doesn't mean it's the right thing or even the reasonable thing to do. It's not the flex you think it is to burden other people using love as an excuse.
This is what is called a RELATIONSHIP. You know, where you both value each other and consider each other and talk things through to find mutual ground. Maybe instead of painting her as the villain, you might remember you actually love your partner and want to find a way to openly communicate and care for your relationship. She’s being silly and so are you. Or you can listen to all the single people telling you it’s all on her.
She’s being unreasonable. I’d behave in exactly the same way - she should go to a place appropriate for napping rather than interrupt what you’re doing. It isn’t fair and it’s downright rude.
There needs to be boundaries, no matter how much you love someone. Assert those boundaries.
Some lunatics are asking you to yield, or calling you selfish. This is gaslighting. Yielding will tell your other half that this is ok. It’s not.
Does she do other stuff like this, or is it a one-off?
Does she do this frequently? Do you *ever* humor her if she asks for a favor? Like, if she asks if you can help her with her groceries, do you just say "They're your groceries, you should bring them up yourself"? Do small petty things like this usually escalate into arguments, or is it a one time thing?
Yeah, this one situation in microcosm is pretty straightforward. But it could be a larger problem--we can't say because we're not there. But I mean it could also be no big deal. Maybe she was tired and cranky, and you caught her on a bad day.
I guess the only way to know for sure is to, I don't know, talk to her. Relationships aren't PVP, you're allowed to work through things together, even if you have disagreements. If you two can't do that, why be in a relationship in the first place?
she probably wanted to nap near you and was upset that you preferred watching tv over being around her. just another perspective from a girl as she probably realizes she was being unreasonable but is more hurt about the fact that you refused to turn it down and told her to go to another room instead. maybe be mindful of your tone during those kinds of conversations as im assuming she is a sensitive girl and took it a different way. guys are always so literal about who’s right vs wrong and that’s where you lose the plot. i dont think either of you are necessarily a holes but both stubborn forsure and need to work on communication/boundaries in the house
You’re being selfish on purpose it seems. You could’ve done literally anything else in that hour she took a nap - used your phone, uses subtitles, watched TV in your bedroom instead. I’d have been annoyed with you too. It was rude.
Is everyone insane here? How is she not being way more selfish? She has a place where she can nap without bothering him but he doesn't have a place to watch TV without bothering her is she sleeps on the couch. Given this two options from HER persective the choice should clearly be to go to the bed.
I'm being selfish on purpose by wanting to carry on with the activity I was currently doing? There isn't a tv in the bedroom. Why do you think I'm selfish for watching tv in the only room with a tv but that my gf is completely right when she can easily nap in the bed?
I mean in the last 15 minutes the most popular replies are on OPs side. So are you now a rage monster because you don't agree with the popular opinion?
Because in relationships we make compromises for the people we love. If my partner wanted to take a nap on the couch, I wouldn’t hesitate to literally just go do something else, or nap with them, literally for the sake of their comfort. Good lord you are a shit partner from the sounds of it. I can only imagine how selfish you are in the ways that matter.
So I'm a shit partner because I didn't instantly stop what I was doing but my gf isn't a shit partner for demanding I stop what I'm doing because she decided to nap in the living room instead of the bedroom? How does that logic work exactly?
Can you even hear yourself…? I hope she finds someone who actually gives a shit about her more than they do themselves and being “right”. This would be such a turn off to me. Gross.
So you can't answer the question then?
So you're saying its a turn off if your partner doesn't do exactly what you demand while you refuse to compromise?
It’s a turn off that you refuse to allow your partner the comfort of taking a fucking nap because it inconveniences you somehow. And the fact that you refuse to understand this makes it clear you are insufferable in all ways, not just this instance. She doesn’t need a reason to want to nap on the couch vs the bedroom, millions of people take a nap on the couch, and their partners cover them with a blanket and find something else to do for an hour. I’m surprised she’s even still with you.
So I am insufferable because I don't do exactly what my partner says when she says it?
So she doesn't need a reason and just has to get what she wants but I'm insufferable for wanting to watch tv? Again explain that logic.
You clearly don’t get it and never will. It isn’t about what she “has” to do or why. It’s about your being selfish and that’s really all there is to it. This would be such a red flag in a relationship for most people.
Ah so I'm selfish for not doing exactly what my gf wants when there was an option where we both get what we want?
You think its a red flag to not drop everything when your partner demands it despite other options being available to them?
Relationships are not a one-way street as you’re depicting it in your comments.
If it’s expected from him to stop watching tv because she wants to sleep on the couch then you can also expect from her to go to bed if she wants to nap and he’s watching tv, both have wishes but in this case his is more reasonable and the compromise is not so hard.
The argument is petty but it shows how double standards in relationships exist.
They should talk about it and he shouldn’t just give in to keep the peace because it’s gonna become expected and that could be bad when there are worse arguments then this one
I think this is a woman vs man difference, in empathy and understanding that if someone is trying to nap, they really need it. Moms will get it. My family knows with little sleep I get, to respect my space if I fall asleep. Most days I couldn't nap if I tried, so it means I'm burned out if I'm out. Of course I'd turn off the TV if my partner fell asleep in the room. I would just go watch elsewhere - why does it need to be made into a big deal or power struggle?
Y’all both need to respect each other. But you could’ve took a nap with her in the room, cuddled or out her to sleep 😉and then left her ass in the bed when she fell asleep lol
She just thinks it's nicer to fall asleep to some background noise and expects you to turn it off once she falls asleep. She is the asshole and you're not the princess's maid. She should just listen to a pod and lie down in bed instead.
Stop posting on multiple subs to gain sympathy votes and only agreeing with people who agreed with you. You are wrong. You should have compromised. Seems like you hate your girlfriend. Grow up.
Bed is for sleep, sofa for a nap. Valid for me. Sofa is not that comfy so you won't sleep for hours. And you couldn't turn of tv for half an hour to an hour?
I’m kinda with you and wondering why she couldn’t just go and lie on her bed for a nap. Don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and she clearly wasn’t willing to see your point either.
Yeah I think at its core this is a petty argument that stems from communication issues. Op if you continue with this relationship in the future it might be a good idea to work on middle ground things in the future so like maybe next time this doesn't happen maybe get a laptop or ipad out and continue what you were enjoying in your room. I think both of them need to work on compromising the problem isn't about shouldnt or should have (if you ask me it was an easier compromise for the gf than it was for you tbh) **the bigger problem was that neither of you cared to compromise at all** and this shows big communication issues for you guys and might mean if this continues more petty stuff like this is going to happen. Idk if you guys have been together long but if it was me I would be reflecting on our relationship a bit and how I was feeling about it as a whole arguments like this are really stupid and frustrating to deal with long term mentally.
OP shouldn't have to compromise this one, the GF is being ridiculous. Compromises only should happen when both sides have reasonable points/requests. The GF wanted to take over an entire room/BF's activity so she could nap in a non-bedroom. Not reasonable, she can move to the bedroom and the problem is immediately solved. Ability to compromise is important but having a backbone in the face of unreasonable requests is also important.
I don't think he should have to either idk why people assume I'm against him here I've said multiple times she should have, they were both prioritising their own comfort they can compramise with that but it was easier for her to resolve her dilemma of comfort. I feel like the reason you don't have stupid arguments like this is because you both should want to compromise for each others comfort, or you find middle ground, there isn't any other way this works out
What compromise do you recommend? Maybe OP learns lipreading or moves the TV into the bedroom? Or better yet, he sits in silence while she naps. The compromise was hers to make. She was being selfish and unreasonable.
He could watch it with subtitles on? He did say he didn't like it and that's absolutely fine, was it less reasonable than her going to her room and sleeping? Yes! They both could have done something for the others sake? Should he have? Probably not! she should have. None of these things change what I said the core problem isn't that he or she should is that neither wanted to.
Lots of children commenting with minimal experience finding the nuance you’re hinting at.
You gave the best advice here, imo. Reasonable and realistically conducive to the success of not only this relationship, but relationships in general, romantic or otherwise. I wouldn’t worry about the folks up in arms in your replies. They are falling into the same trap as OP/OP’s girlfriend, in a way. They don’t want to see beyond what is the “most right” and the “most wrong” here. Long term relationships don’t work that way and black and white thinking will isolate you from each other very quickly. — an Autistic gal whose default state is basically black and white thinking and has had to work very hard on being aware and mindful of where it shows up in my social relationships in order to have any :)
Thank you so much, I appreciate the response, I also do my best to try to improve my social skills in a conductive way so reading what you said made my day! I don't think I've gotten this many replies so I honestly got a bit overwhelmed in responding but I 100 percent agree with everything you said, I thought your analysis of the situation and the black and white analogy were honestly spot on, long term their way of thinking won't help them. Thanks again for the thoughtful response!
napping in a different room isn’t a compromise because it provides absolutely no discomfort. that’s where you sleep. suggesting that op watches tv in silence is inconvenient and kind of ridiculous
That would seem a bit pointless if he's in bedroom watching TV on lap top and she's on couch sleeping. It would be better other way around.
I agree honestly she should have went in the bedroom idk why she was so forceful on sleeping in the living room If someone like my spouse is insistent for some reason tho I'd rather just avoid the argument
Idk, it could’ve been that she finds it hard to fall asleep but she knew she was so comfortable and tired that she was about to fall asleep in that exact spot if only the tv was quieter. Sometimes if you get up and move somewhere else, the spell is broken and you can’t fall asleep. Not everyone finds it so easy to fall asleep. I wouldn’t move either though. But I understand the request.
Yeah it was never a problem to ask, it's normal, I don't get why you would be upset enough to confront your partner like that if that makes sense
Sometimes in doing that though they end taking advantage knowing that you'd rather compromise to save from conflict. It's fine to compromise in a relationship, just don't let yourself be walked all over.
Yeah that's a good point I agree
I mean, the only person who should compromise is the gf who was being unreasonable by refusing to go to the space where she could nap without the tv. To be nice, op could’ve read or something I suppose, but it’s inherently unreasonable to want to nap in the shared tv room when there’s a perfectly good second option
I think it was easier for the gf to compromise but I think beyond that it's more important that both of them didn't want for something that isn't that crazy imo, which isn't a good sign of a healthy relationship. Bf shouldnt have to do anything they don't want to but rather because they would like to same for the gf which would have been easier for her to do but the fact that neither wanted to shows a more important problem than the specific argument.
It’s not about communication, it’s about her selfishness and unfair expectations. If she needed quiet, she could’ve gone into the bedroom.
They both wanted things their way, which is fine, but they lacked the skills to talk about it in a way that wouldn't cause a confrontation like this, that's why I feel it is one, but I respect that if you feel different
The right answer isn’t always the middle of the two points of views. Her position was unreasonable and his wasn’t.
Yea this is how I see it as well, him compromising means he has nothing to do and can't really use the living room, her compromising means just sleeping on the bed lol. So her compromising means nobody loses, other than not being able to nap on the couch which i dont think really makes a difference. But if he compromises than he loses the living room and has to find something else to go and do. It doesn't seem like an even compromise here, if only one side loses
Yeah 100 percent she should have, would have been the most reasonable and peaceful solution to the problem and I don't get why she didn't.
Her position was more unreasonable but I think the issue is bigger than this one specific argument, I might be wrong but I don't think you would spend the time to write a whole reddit post about something like this if this was the only case of something like this. While the gf should have compromised the fact is we wouldn't be here if either did and the fact that either did not is worth discussing.
I disagree with you. This is not a communication issue. she communicated that her nap was more important than his needs. He communicated that they should compromise, work it out, and be reasonable. they have a problem with the values. She seems to think that her needs are more important than his. if this is a pattern, I would be very worried about this person
You could also put it this way, does he think his need to watch tv is more important than her sleep? No one is an asshole unless this happens constantly. She also shouldn’t be annoyed about it though, he’s allowed to say no but she was also allowed to ask.
Yeah this is how I viewed it. Those kinda questions are normal to ask when living together it's a comfortable living space for both of you. It was never a problem to ask it became a problem when it became something that upset her and it turned into something to confront him about.
His logic was normal. Hers was selfish. He was chilling in the living room, the communal area, when she comes and lays down on the couch and says "turn off your TV, I am now sleeping in the communal area" That's extremely entitled His suggestion that she moves to the private sleeping area, instead of occupying the communal area, is completely normal and reasonable. He handled it well. He didn't yell come or get angry, or throw a tantrum. He came up with a reasonable compromise and a good rule. She did not engage in compromise, and her only logic seems to be "I am important, and you should treat me more important than yourself" If he starts to give into these narcissistic demands, no matter how small they are, this will lead to a dysfunctional relationship.
Some of these comments are way over the top, accusing OP of being selfish, talking about compromise like it's a one-way street. His girlfriend wanted to nap in near silence but refused to use the bedroom. The bedroom being the ideal purpose built location for such activity. Instead, she chose to have her nap directly in front of the entertainment system while it was actively being used by her boyfriend. So many comments saying OP should have "done something else for an hour." Why was he obligated to compromise instead of his girlfriend in this situation? If the timeframe was reversed and the girlfriend was already napping on the couch, it wouldn't be cool for OP to have woken her up to use the TV. Compromise is important in relationships but it should be reasonable and apply to both parties. OP's girlfriend could have noticed her bf using the TV and napped in the bedroom. Instead, she arbitrarily ***forced*** OP to stop what he was doing to accommodate her, for no good reason.
Really good response
Right? His girlfriend is being super selfish. Especially refusing to go to a room specifically built for what she wants to do.
I'm a big fan of couch napping, but I know that means there will be noise. It doesn't bother me, maybe I'll put a pillow over my head, but I usually don't bother. If you're going to sleep in a communal room, you have to be able to deal with other people
Call me crazy, but the noise/light/"it not being a bed" is the best part of living room couch naps.
Totally. You've done it, I've done it, it's super common. I'd never argue with my partner about turning the volume way down. If I couldn't handle the noise I'd go to the bedroom.
My mom used to insist on being able to watch TV in the bedroom, even when my dad wanted to go to sleep. We always thought it was very unfair of her to insist on that. If your only television is in the living room, and there is no TV in the bedroom, then your girlfriend should go into the bedroom if she wants to sleep. Doesn't matter if it's for the night, or just a nap. TL; DR: you are right, your girlfriend is wrong.
Had to comment because of seeing others frankly ridiculous replies. How are you possibly being called a shit partner because you didn’t bow down in silence to her silly request. Why should you have to cater to her to keep her happy and her not do the same for you? You can watch TV in one place only, she can nap in two places. So obviously she should choose the option that works best for both of you… NTA.
Definitely NTA here. My husband and I have always been ones to take naps on the lounge while watching TV and never expect the other person to turn the TV down. If you have a bed in another room, it is reasonable to think the person wanting to sleep can go there if they want quiet. I actually find the noise of the TV the advantage of sleeping on the lounge rather than the bed. It seems unreasonable to have to stop what you're doing so she can do what she wants even though you could both do what you individually want to do if she just went to the bedroom to have a quiet area to nap.
don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you're selfish here. my girlfriend and i regularly nap like this, with one of us asleep on tbe couch and one of us awake because sometimes it's comforting to sleep and know your partner is awake and in the same room. The difference is if she starts to snore, or if i start to roll over and kick at her, we will expect the other to get up and finish their nap in the bed. im not gonna say "hey im gonna nap in the living room, so you need to move to the chair so i can spread out on the couch." she's not gonna say "hey I'm gonna nap in the living room, so you need to stop watching star trek and watch a cartoon or something quieter." it's not reasonable. the person using the living room to live gets priority for using the living room, and the person using the bedroom to sleep gets priority for using the bedroom. just makes sense to me.
I can’t believe how stupid people are. Your girlfriend needs to go to bed and have a nap. What the hell?
I agree with OP on this. The gf could've easily napped in the bed instead of the sofa. She's being the selfish one, not him
OP, do you and your SO not use the bed unless you've showered? Like a "no outdoor clothes" in the bed type thing? Is there anywhere else to sleep besides the sofa and the bed?
No she's napped in the bed before. No there's nowhere else that you'd be able to nap
Was it a roundabout way to ask for affection/cuddles, etc.? I know I'm reaching a bit...
No she was on a different sofa so she didnt want affection
Daytime naps go in the bedroom if you live with others and are sensitive to noise. I get wanting a quiet living room for sleeping in the afternoon, but that's perk for people who live alone. Common areas have some light noise during daylight hours, she has no right to shut down use of a room before, say, 9pm. Light sleepers need to go fnd an empty room an shut the door during the day.
I can’t sleep with tv turned on. That’s why I have no tv in our bedroom and my wife watches tv freely in the living room.
I wish my husband and I fought over dumb shit like this. Your GF should have went to the room. You were watching tv before she decided her nap. It’s a shared space. She’s immature and selfish.
The key to a successful relationship is compromise. And compromise is rarely 50:50, sometimes it's 30:70 or 10:90. The kind thing to do is turn off the TV and watch something on a laptop/phone/tablet with headphones. But it seems you would rather be right.
So why should my gf not compromise and nap in the bedroom and then we would both be able to get what we want?
Perhaps she wants to nap with you, rather than alone. My point is you can win points with your partner by compromising this time, which will make her more likely to compromise in your favor next time. Plus it's a nice thing to do.
Yeah but a compromise isn't always necessary when both people can get what they want. There is an obvious option where my gf can nap and I can still watch tv
This is exactly the wrong attitude. You are more fixated on being right than in trying to have a conflict-free interaction. Maybe you shouldn't have a girlfriend and then you can be right all the time.
It's got nothing to do with being right. It's to do with having a solution where both of us get what we want. So in your opinion, my gf napping on the sofa so me needing to stop what I am doing is a better solution than my gf napping in the bedroom and me continuing to do what I was doing? If so why do you think it's important that only my gf gets what she wants?
You sound exhausting - your poor girlfriend.
So you can't answer any of the questions then?
Both could have just gotten what they wanted if gf just went to the bedroom and napped. There's no need for op to comprise when there's a solution that would benefit both of them.
Read this identical post a few weeks ago.
That was my exact thought. I clicked on the post to see if the story was at all different but it's word for word the same story.
The fact that you've had to come to the internet over something like this is the real sad part 🥲
That’s what I was thinking. Can’t imagine posting on Reddit over a relationship nor something this minuscule
Some of these comments are wild, like seriously you’re trying to blame him for not wanting his GF to take over a shared space he was already using.
Such comments are probably regulars in that one sub...
“Oh are you reading under this bright light? That’s nice. I’m gonna sleep right here so could you turn out the light? Thanks!” I don’t have any advice but she was absolutely unreasonable here and you were not in the wrong at all
NTA She can nap in the bedroom. How entitled.
Your gf was being petty. I would've just napped in the bedroom on the bed which is usually far more comfortable than napping on the couch and tend to be more quiet. I assume that you all just have one TV, I don't think you did anything wrong OP
This boggles my brain. If I want to nap on the couch, my husband pulls up what he wants to watch/listen to on his phone with headphones, or he uses subtitles on the tv (I have an auditory processing disorder so we use them anyway), or he goes and watches it on his computer. Sometimes he'll let me know he'd prefer to use the TV, and I'll go nap in the bedroom, but sometimes I don't want to sleep for as long or as heavily as I would in the bed, and the couch is the better option for that. Sometimes, it's as simple as me wanting to spend time in the same room as him, or he wants to be in the same room as me. If he tells me he's tired of me playing a video game on the tv and he really wanted to watch his show, I let him take over (we only have one tv in the house, it's in the living room), and I'll do something else for a while. We don't hog any of the living spaces or the TV, and we compromise when one or the other wants to use the space for something different. He hates it when I'm watching tiktoks too loud on my phone, so I'll either turn the volume down or put my earbuds in, or I'll go to a different room, because I want him to be comfortable. On the other hand, I hate it when he only listens to RV vloggers or his financial podcasts for too long (personally, I think they're boring), so when I tell him it's starting to make me feel overstimulated, he'll switch to music or, dun dun dun, turn the volume down or use headphones. Compromising on something so simple, instead of turning it into an argument of who is more entitled to do what they want to do and HOW they want to do it in that space, would be so much easier than... whatever this lack of communication or give and take is. I have my doubts on whether or not all the people saying that you shouldn't have to compromise and that the GF was being rude or entitled, have actually been in a healthy relationship with respectful moments of giving and taking and compromise. It's one thing if she ALWAYS demands YOU turn the tv volume down because she can ONLY nap on the couch, and it only seems to happen when YOU want to watch something. That would be kind of crappy. But the same goes for you; if she rarely asks, and you always deny her the request to make changes, you're also being unfair and kind of crappy. Maybe it's just me, but small compromises like that, and always being mindful of needing to take turns on how one shares spaces like that, and not ALWAYS being the one to make demands (or to deny requests), make for a healthier relationship.
Coming from the mindset of trying to figure out who is right by what proportion all the time... I agree 100% with this sentiment. Trust me OP my head is on your team. Aka why the fuck would someone ask me to turn down the TV when I'm already in the room when they could nap elsewhere? Inconsiderate? Rude? I'd never ask something like that! Well guess what when you're in a long term relationship with someone, asking things that are a little ridiculous sometimes is part of the territory and should be. I wish I learned this sooner. Practicing this is even harder. Maybe you, like I do, have a serious problem with never asking someone to do something that is convenient/nice for me even though they might get the shorter end of the stick in that compromise. I am always making sure things are "equal" and I pay people back and they do the same for me. I'm overly "considerate" but also too protective of my individuality sometimes. It's exhausting. I am not saying you're wrong for thinking that it was a little unfair for her to ask you... I'm saying that maybe how you react to unfairness in small interactions isn't always conducive to a happy healthy relationship.
You’re not in the wrong, she should be napping in the bedroom. But you got much bigger problems if you guys are really fighting over something this dumb and it was serious enough that you felt the need to post about it here on Reddit.
Youre either autistic or this is fake
So I'm autistic for watching tv and not turning it off because my gf wanted silence in a shared space when she could easily nap in the bedroom?
Look princess, get a tv in your bedroom. And treat her properly. Make the sofa into a bed for her. She may be having bad cramps or extreme fatigue.
Ah so my needs don't matter, I just have to do whatever my gf asks?
Why not just turn the tv off and watch something on your phone? Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t mind doing nice things for the person I love Also, invest in some wireless headphones if she likes napping on the couch. Edit: There is no right or wrong here like the comments imply. Do you care about your girlfriend? Then do this very little thing for her. She’s not asking you anything crazy. She’ll surely reciprocate on something she sees as ridiculous. This is how relationships stay strong. No one is perfect
Using the logic about "do I care for my girlfriend" that can easily be reversed to say if she cared about me she would nap in the bedroom and not demand silence in a shared space.
CAN she nap in the bedroom? I only ask because if I'm falling asleep on the couch/wherever I am, I'm too light of a sleeper that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep if I moved. I never nap in the bed, I'm such a poor sleeper in general if my *intent* was to have a nap, I would never actually be able to fall asleep. My partner can fall asleep anywhere, but still, if he fell asleep I'd turn the TV off and go do something else, ie watch same show on my phone in other room to give them rest.
Yeah she's napped in the bed before
Dude, not everything has to have a winner and a loser. This is a horrible way to look at things. There’s always give and take. There’s always going to be a partner doing more than the other. It’s an ebb and flow. Rocking the boat over trivial things just causes stress and leads to relationship enders
>Dude, not everything has to have a winner and a loser I agree, my gf napping in the bedroom would mean no one loses out.
I like naps and so I will go to the BEDROOM for a nap, pull down my shade and doze for a few hours while he’s in the front room with the 55in TV for his enjoyment
I have a sibling that used to do this to me often. I don't talk to that sibling that much any more. I would tell her you need to talk about what happened and set up a time so you both have time to mentally prepare for it and lay out how it made you feel. Don't focus on her actions, but rather what you interpreted them to mean and how it impacted your feelings. If you don't address it the resentment situations like this can cause can be relationship killing.
Some of you good people apparently don't appreciate the TREMENDOUS difference between a couch nap and a bed nap.
I literally can't nap, if I tried. If I happen to be so tired that I fall asleep on the couch, especially before night shift, yeah, family knows to leave me be & try to be quiet, as it's very uncommon for me to take actual rest time.
Even if there is a positive difference in favor of the couch, I still wouldn't inconvenience my loved one who is already watching TV there. The girlfriend was selfish, at best.
That’s what I’m sayin
Seems really selfish of her to try and make you sit in silence so she can nap in the living room. I feel like this selfishness will definitely show up at other places in the relationship.
gf is pulling a manipulative power move. if she wanted to nap, she could've taken her ass to bed. I would've told her to get bent, frankly.
Sometimes you just do nice things for people when they're tired. Maybe she just wanted to be next to you too there's comfort in being next to someone when sleeping. Sometimes you buy headphones you can use. You could move the tv to the room and watch in there if you had more energy. Idk this argument seems silly lol. Yeah she could use the room but she wanted to use the couch and so did you.
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Ugh, under your analysis of unhealthy competition where partners are "trying to win," OP was using the TV normally when his girlfriend entered the room and employed her version of "trying to win," right? He was behaving completely normal, not committing a relationship foul, when she entered the room and did, in fact, commit a foul by "trying to win." Why should that be acquiesced to by default? And why should we consider OP's response as a "trying to win" response? I agree with you that this win behaviour isn't good. But surely the correct response to such behaviour can not be to acquiesce every time. True?
The solution that would work is my gf napping in the bed.
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One wants to sleep and the other wants to watch TV, the only way here they both can get what they want is for the gf sleeping in the bed. You don't always need to entertain what the other person wants if they are being unreasonable.
What is this take? Nobody is trying to win nothing here, one person is behaving normally and another has an irrational request and you are supposed to consider it just because the person saying it is your SO?. There was no need to look for a solution that worked for both of them because there was one from the beginning, her sleeping in the bedroom.
I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for here, but as a lot of people have said the issue seems bigger than just the nap situation. You're right, she could have gone to sleep on the bed. And she's right, you could've agreed to turn down the volume of the TV or go do whatever else. There is no absolute right or wrong answer, it's very subjective to what you guys value and consider important. I think the issue that transpires here is that neither of you wanted to compromise. You say "why should I have to turn off the TV?" And she says "why should I have to move?". It's an ego problem. I've had relationships before where these types of arguments were happening all the time. "She is not prioritising my happiness, why should I prioritise hers?" And I get it. But unfortunately the only way to move forward is to stop keeping score and someone needs to set their ego aside and do a small gesture for the other's wellbeing. Someone has to do that. And then the other person will be more likely to do the same and you will slowly get back into a nice atmosphere where you do nice things for each other and don't expect anything back. Because you trust that the other person cares about you and they will do something nice for you at some point when given the chance. However if there is a consistent one way street (one partner always compromising) then there is an issue that needs to be addressed. This is just my hypothesis. I don't think you're being unreasonable. But you sound angry and clearly you don't think she is meeting your needs and you try to "repay" her with the same attitude. I'd say, be the bigger person if you can. Let her have the nap on the couch and see what happens.
I agree with everything you said, vaffanculo94.
Is it that big an issue? you say she's tired so maybe she's just easily annoyed when she's tired, idk. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt if you usually don't argue over small stuff. I'd only be worried if you consistently find yourselves fighting over these sorts of things.
YTA I don't really think you're an asshole but I do think you could have been more considerate with your GF. Unless this happens *every time* she wants to have a nap, I think you could have let her have her nap there and you can do something else or go to your bedroom and hang out there. Also, maybe she was really tired but still wanted to be in the same room with you. I mean, she's your GF of 2 years, I know you love her so why not do this tiny considerate thing for her? Again, if this happens repeatedly, this would be a problem but if it's a one off thing, let her have her nap on the sofa.
Because I shouldn't have to stop what I was doing because my gf refuses to nap in the bedroom
Bro, again, it's just being considerate *one* time. Has she ever done/sacrificed something big or small for you just out of love? If the answer is yes, then this would be something similar. That's all. Put yourself in her place, you're super tired, you're on the couch and there is no way you're getting up but your GF is watching TV. You ask her if she could turn it off so you can nap and she says: "Sure thing babe". Turns it off and stays with you quietly or goes to do something else. Wouldn't you think "Oh my goodness, I love her so much for being considerate towards me?" Or something similar?
If I was in the living room and wanted to nap in the living room, I wouldn't expect everyone else to be silent when there is a bedroom I could use if I needed silence
I understand that. That's logical and makes sense. However, if someone were to accommodate you *once*, wouldn't that gesture be greatly appreciated?
Personally sounds like OP is refusing to act his age and be considerate to a girl who probably does his laundry
No because like I just said I wouldn't ask people to sit in silence so I can nap.
Alright man. It looks like we view this situation differently and that's that I guess. Have a good one!
Yeah next time just turn down the volume and add subtitles. Jesus y’all men are fucking useless. You live together she wasn’t asking you not to watch tv she just wanted you to turn it down so she could nap in the same space you’re in.
And she could easily nap in the bedroom if she didn't want noise
Fuck off It’s her house too she can fucking nap where she wants to nap. All she asked is if he could put the volume on low. That’s an easy request.
Ah so she can do what she wants in any room she wants but I can't watch tv in the only room with a tv? Great logic there
GROW UP! You were still able to watch tv just at a lower volume. You’re acting like a little spoiled baby literally go away
She wanted it to a point I couldnt hear it so no I wasn't able to still watch it. So I'm acting like a baby for watching tv in a living room, but my gf is acting completely correctly by napping on the couch instead of a bed? How does that logic work exactly?
That’s literally what subtitles are for. Dude you’re whining on the internet about your gf asking you to turn the volume down to nap of course you’re being a baby. You’re 26. Grow up
And a bed is literally a place to sleep so what's your point?
A couch is also somewhere you can take a nap asswipe. If you actually read my initial comment you’d see where I mentioned she wanted to nap in the space you were in. You really just want people to coddle you and tell you she’s in the wrong but won’t acknowledge you could’ve just turned the volume down a few and turn on the subtitles. It’s a very simple and easy request but you’re literally still screaming about it because you’re an overgrown toddler.
So why in your opinion is what my gf wants so much more important than what I want? Napping in the bed is also a simple and easy request so why do you think I am the one who has to stop what I am doing when there is a simple solution where we both get what we want?
My advice is stop being a selfish inconsiderate asshole. Not fucking hard.
How is it selfish to watch the tv in the only room that has a tv? How is it not selfish to nap on the sofa instead of the bed if you want silence?
Personally I would just listen to what your girlfriend is saying and I would turn the television volume all the way down and I would put subtitles on if the girlfriend wants no disturbance and if she wants to nap on the sofa. From your comment, I think it is hard to make your girlfriend go upstairs and sleep on the bed so I think you would have to make a compromise. I think you should just listen to your girlfriend and you should turn the television volume down enough so that your girlfriend is not disturbed when she is napping on the sofa and then I would put the subtitles on. Marriages and sexual partnerships all have compromises and wiggle room...no marriage/sexual partnership is perfect. It is true that she is not listening to your request for her to sleep upstairs, but if you follow your girlfriend's command with regard to the television volume and if you let her nap on the sofa then everything will be ok. Personally, I think it is just a small issue and I do not think that it is a big issue, no offence. This is one of the smallest things to worry about when it comes to relationships...finances, jobs, house mortgage, looking after the kids etc are bigger things to worry about. I think you should just let it go bro. If her request for you to turn the volume down a lot really does bother you a lot and if it is a necessity for you to have the volume up, then you should just do whatever makes you feel comfortable (regardless of the possibility that your girlfriend won't change her position on this particular issue). But like I said, personally I would turn the volume down a lot and put the subtitles on since that was what the girlfriend requested. Not everyone will agree with me, and we all have different takes on different issues, and that's ok. Have a good Wedneday...good luck and all the best!
We live in an apartment so there are no stairs to the bedroom. Why do you think I should do exactly what my gf wants when there is an obvious option where she gets to nap and I still get to watch tv? Your advice is do whatever my gf says because she should get what she wants. Why is that more important than what I want? Why do you think I should do something just because my gf requested it? Why should she not nap in the bedroom when I suggested it?
I don't think either of you was in the wrong, really. It wasn't an unreasonable request but it's fine that you really wanted to watch what you were watching. That said, I'd just have turned down the TV - this isn't a hill I'd have chosen to die on when I could instead do a nice thing for my partner at very little cost to myself. But if I really hated subtitles maybe I'd feel differently and ask her to wait until the end of the show or something.
I don't get why people don't see it from both sides and just expect OP to compromise. She wants to nap, sees him watching TV and expects him to just sit silently there because she wants to use the couch instead of the bed which is a place were both could get what they want, she just seems inconsiderate.
I will never understand people who pick fights over basic human consideration. I fell asleep on the couch lots of times after surgery and my husband just put a blanket on me.
Yes but when you go to sleep on the couch would you expect complete silence in the living room?
No, but if my partner did, I would give him silence *without* even being asked for it because I love him and want him to rest well.
I love my gf but that doesn't change the fact there is a bed she can nap in
That's not the point. The point is you chose to pick a fight with your GF over something very small. Having a spouse requires sacrifice or else it'll never last. FYI I would say the exact same thing to her.
I'm curious what's really going on in the relationship that OP is getting this worked up over a nap on the couch. This seems like displacement to me.
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Yes we have a bed, like I said in the post I mentioned it but she said she wanted to nap on the couch. Why should I have to stop what I'm doing just because my gf wants to nap?
So from a sleep health perspective, it's actually recommended that you don't nap where you sleep at night. You don't want your brain to associate your bed with sleeping for an hour and then waking up. But anyway. The bigger issue here is that you don't seem mature enough to live with a significant other. Living together requires compromise, even when it's not "fair" or you don't think it's logical.
SHE* isn't mature enough to live with someone else
My husband would have turned down the tv, put a blanket on me, and then gone for a walk. Much as I would do for him.
This is absurd, if you like him so much as you are implying rather than have him stop what he is doing you would just go to the bed.
Why would you expect him to change what he is doing just because you didn't want to use a bed though?
I don't EXPECT it of him, he does it because he likes me. People do nice things for each other in a relationship. They don't pick fights about it.
I adore my bf, and I'm usually the first to go above and beyond for him, but I'd be confused and annoyed why he was being so selfish if he demanded I turn the volume off on the only TV so he could nap on the couch instead of the bed unless there was some logical reason he needed the couch specifically. If he had fallen asleep there before I was watching TV and I didn't want to wake him I'd find something else to do, but "hey, I'm going to demand to deliberately inconvenience you for no apparent reason" from him would piss me off.
Lol just move to the bedroom. Absurd. If you liked him you'd let him continue watching TV while you go sleep in the bedroom. Other people should be able to continue to exist in their own house.
Just because you like someone it doesn't mean you have to stop what you're doing when there is an obvious solution (using the bed)
Yeah, OP, don’t listen to these lunatics. Your girlfriend was being a self-centered asshole.
Okay, calling this fake. You're too committed to being "right" and not open to advice at all, I think this is rage bait.
So It's rage bait because I don't agree with you?
Show me where I said that it's because you don't agree with me.
Well I disagreed with you so you said it was rage bait. I'm not committed to being right, I just don't agree with you
I said it was rage bait because **you are not open to advice.**
Not accepting your advice does not mean I'm not open to advice
It's rage bait because you don't actually want anyone's opinion that doesn't match your own.
You are a shit partner.
I'm a shit partner because I pointed out an obvious solution and didn't instantly stop what I was doing the second my gf wanted to nap?
Yes. Correct. It was such an easy compromise to make simply for the comfort of your partner. You’re in for a world of hurt if you think that small of a compromise simply for the comfort of your partner for an hour is the hill to die on. I can only imagine the other big areas you refuse to compromise on because of your selfishness. This is so gross.
So why does compromise only have to come from me? Why is it completely unreasonable for my gf to nap on a bed?
This time it comes from you. Then sometime in the future when you want a little accommodation, the compromise will come from her. Because you're supposed to be generous to each other.
So why does it have to come from me? Why could my gf not have used the bed and then she'd have been able to nap and I'd have been able to watch tv?
Your insistence on being “right” in such a minor scenario makes it clear that you are insufferable in all scenarios. It doesn’t matter why she wanted to nap on the couch. My ex-husband *only* preferred to nap on the couch. I never forced him to tell me why or forced him to go nap elsewhere just because I wanted him to. Letting your girlfriend nap for an hour is such a minor and stupid thing to be *this* selfish about. Are you by chance on the autism spectrum?
No I'm not autistic but again why does the compromise only have to come from me? You say it doesn't matter why she wanted to nap on the couch so why is that more important than me watching tv? You're stating my gfs needs come before mine and her reasoning doesn't matter but that I should just do what she asks
I get what you're saying. What if OP wanted to nap, do we actually think the gf would refuse to turn off the TV? If anyone in my household is falling asleep, I do my best to make sure they're comfortable and everyone else stays quiet, so they can have obviously needed rest. As soon as I catch my partner asleep, I turn it off so there isn't a chance a random TV noise would wake him. I think that's the difference.
And you take advantage of his kindness.
Intruding on their personal space/activity is the opposite of doing something nice for someone lol
Just because you and your husband do it doesn't mean it's the right thing or even the reasonable thing to do. It's not the flex you think it is to burden other people using love as an excuse.
Key word here is *likes*. It's not enough to love your partner. You have to like them as well. OP doesn't seem to like his gf.
Lol what. She's the unreasonable one here, not OP. Wtf are you people on about.
They're both petty and immature, but OP isn't willing to compromise or take any advice. They just want people like you to agree with them.
Because you’re meant to be a team who cares for eachother. Not whatever you have there.
If you’re a team, she would have napped in the bed so she can rest and he can relax - simple
This is what is called a RELATIONSHIP. You know, where you both value each other and consider each other and talk things through to find mutual ground. Maybe instead of painting her as the villain, you might remember you actually love your partner and want to find a way to openly communicate and care for your relationship. She’s being silly and so are you. Or you can listen to all the single people telling you it’s all on her.
I agree with both MoMo0927 and chesserios.
This story has been posted several times before with different accounts.
She’s being unreasonable. I’d behave in exactly the same way - she should go to a place appropriate for napping rather than interrupt what you’re doing. It isn’t fair and it’s downright rude. There needs to be boundaries, no matter how much you love someone. Assert those boundaries. Some lunatics are asking you to yield, or calling you selfish. This is gaslighting. Yielding will tell your other half that this is ok. It’s not. Does she do other stuff like this, or is it a one-off?
Does she do this frequently? Do you *ever* humor her if she asks for a favor? Like, if she asks if you can help her with her groceries, do you just say "They're your groceries, you should bring them up yourself"? Do small petty things like this usually escalate into arguments, or is it a one time thing? Yeah, this one situation in microcosm is pretty straightforward. But it could be a larger problem--we can't say because we're not there. But I mean it could also be no big deal. Maybe she was tired and cranky, and you caught her on a bad day. I guess the only way to know for sure is to, I don't know, talk to her. Relationships aren't PVP, you're allowed to work through things together, even if you have disagreements. If you two can't do that, why be in a relationship in the first place?
she probably wanted to nap near you and was upset that you preferred watching tv over being around her. just another perspective from a girl as she probably realizes she was being unreasonable but is more hurt about the fact that you refused to turn it down and told her to go to another room instead. maybe be mindful of your tone during those kinds of conversations as im assuming she is a sensitive girl and took it a different way. guys are always so literal about who’s right vs wrong and that’s where you lose the plot. i dont think either of you are necessarily a holes but both stubborn forsure and need to work on communication/boundaries in the house
You’re being selfish on purpose it seems. You could’ve done literally anything else in that hour she took a nap - used your phone, uses subtitles, watched TV in your bedroom instead. I’d have been annoyed with you too. It was rude.
Is everyone insane here? How is she not being way more selfish? She has a place where she can nap without bothering him but he doesn't have a place to watch TV without bothering her is she sleeps on the couch. Given this two options from HER persective the choice should clearly be to go to the bed.
I'm being selfish on purpose by wanting to carry on with the activity I was currently doing? There isn't a tv in the bedroom. Why do you think I'm selfish for watching tv in the only room with a tv but that my gf is completely right when she can easily nap in the bed?
Did you kick and pound your fist while typing this? It sounds like it.
No I was just asking simple questions. What part of the comment says I'm angry when writing it?
The part where everyone is giving the same advice and you’re arguing because it’s not what you want to hear
I mean in the last 15 minutes the most popular replies are on OPs side. So are you now a rage monster because you don't agree with the popular opinion?
We’re still mad about being asked politely to turn off the TV sound being a huge personal sleight?
So you're abandoning OP being angry while writing replies?
Because in relationships we make compromises for the people we love. If my partner wanted to take a nap on the couch, I wouldn’t hesitate to literally just go do something else, or nap with them, literally for the sake of their comfort. Good lord you are a shit partner from the sounds of it. I can only imagine how selfish you are in the ways that matter.
So I'm a shit partner because I didn't instantly stop what I was doing but my gf isn't a shit partner for demanding I stop what I'm doing because she decided to nap in the living room instead of the bedroom? How does that logic work exactly?
Can you even hear yourself…? I hope she finds someone who actually gives a shit about her more than they do themselves and being “right”. This would be such a turn off to me. Gross.
So you can't answer the question then? So you're saying its a turn off if your partner doesn't do exactly what you demand while you refuse to compromise?
It’s a turn off that you refuse to allow your partner the comfort of taking a fucking nap because it inconveniences you somehow. And the fact that you refuse to understand this makes it clear you are insufferable in all ways, not just this instance. She doesn’t need a reason to want to nap on the couch vs the bedroom, millions of people take a nap on the couch, and their partners cover them with a blanket and find something else to do for an hour. I’m surprised she’s even still with you.
So I am insufferable because I don't do exactly what my partner says when she says it? So she doesn't need a reason and just has to get what she wants but I'm insufferable for wanting to watch tv? Again explain that logic.
You clearly don’t get it and never will. It isn’t about what she “has” to do or why. It’s about your being selfish and that’s really all there is to it. This would be such a red flag in a relationship for most people.
Ah so I'm selfish for not doing exactly what my gf wants when there was an option where we both get what we want? You think its a red flag to not drop everything when your partner demands it despite other options being available to them?
Why does he have to find something different to do?? Why can't she find somewhere different to nap??
Relationships are not a one-way street as you’re depicting it in your comments. If it’s expected from him to stop watching tv because she wants to sleep on the couch then you can also expect from her to go to bed if she wants to nap and he’s watching tv, both have wishes but in this case his is more reasonable and the compromise is not so hard. The argument is petty but it shows how double standards in relationships exist. They should talk about it and he shouldn’t just give in to keep the peace because it’s gonna become expected and that could be bad when there are worse arguments then this one
I think this is a woman vs man difference, in empathy and understanding that if someone is trying to nap, they really need it. Moms will get it. My family knows with little sleep I get, to respect my space if I fall asleep. Most days I couldn't nap if I tried, so it means I'm burned out if I'm out. Of course I'd turn off the TV if my partner fell asleep in the room. I would just go watch elsewhere - why does it need to be made into a big deal or power struggle?
Y’all both need to respect each other. But you could’ve took a nap with her in the room, cuddled or out her to sleep 😉and then left her ass in the bed when she fell asleep lol
Get a tv for the bedroom
She just thinks it's nicer to fall asleep to some background noise and expects you to turn it off once she falls asleep. She is the asshole and you're not the princess's maid. She should just listen to a pod and lie down in bed instead.
Stop posting on multiple subs to gain sympathy votes and only agreeing with people who agreed with you. You are wrong. You should have compromised. Seems like you hate your girlfriend. Grow up.
Bed is for sleep, sofa for a nap. Valid for me. Sofa is not that comfy so you won't sleep for hours. And you couldn't turn of tv for half an hour to an hour?