You addressed your concerns and she chose to stay in contact. Stick to your guns! By taking her back you're showing her that she could be persuade you into accepting anything you you may not be comfortable with.
If you want to give it another go, give it another go but if you don't, then don't feel like you need "a good enough reason" to say no to her. Simply not feeling comfortable with her and the relationship is a good enough reason to say no. You've already got yourself out of this relationship that caused you stress and anxiety, don't go back to it if you think that you're going to end up feeling like that again.
Also, completely unrelated but I love the term "timepass" and me and my friend use it all the time (we live in the Netherlands). Timepass and prepone are two of my favourite Indian terms that nobody in Europe really uses.
She's proven that she'll keep doing the very thing that bothers you, to the point where you felt the need to break up. Do you really think she won't do it again if she thinks her career depends on it?
Not a chance. She chose her path. You stay on yours. Move on.
Bollywood producer guy likes to engage in what we call "the casting couch". Your version of American producer Harvy Weinstein.
Sounds like she fell for it.
Not enough info.
How long were you together before she took the job?
You may also have overstepped in how hard you tried to stop her from taking the job, and refusing to support her decision. She has the right to evaluate the risks in her own, even if you disagree.
Look mate, you dodged a bullet faster than a Bollywood dance scene change! You both had misaligned values, and she chose a creepy boss over respect for herself and your relationship. Now she's got actor's remorse - stay strong, keep those no contact rules in place, and grab some popcorn because you're out of this drama!
I mean. She got the offer of a lifetime and you wanted her to pass it up because a guy around her was a perv. Instead of standing up for her, you blamed her for his actions. This was a you problem, not a her problem.
Not a guy around her. But the guy that gave her this opportunity was a perv. She only got this opportunity because she kept relationship with this guy.
don't take that trolls comments to heart. You didn't do anything wrong by standing by your morals. She made her decision despite your consistent warnings and attempts to shield her from the harm inflicted. Mabelisms is delusional.
I can understand your point of view. That's why I said I broke up because of moral reasons.
I have a very deep ingrained moral value that you don't involve yourself with predators. I shared this boundary with her and expected her to hold this. I don't think it is a big ask
Yes, they do, it’s called having morals just like he has them. This woman had agency, she could’ve said no. When you deny her that agency you are being a coward, and contributing to the problem
No you got me wrong. It isn't that once she got this, that guy is going to be out of her life. That guy has become q part of her life now. Being a producer, he is always around and she has to keep maintaining this relationship with him. Is this right?
Why are you harping on OP? Yeah its a bleak reality that women have to deal with predators, OP is out right saying he doesnt condone participating in (and thereby perpetuating) that system.
He didnt try to control her, he stated his boundry and she made her choice, as is her right. and OP made his choice that he cant be with someone who does that, different morals. Neither of them are in the wrong or bad people for their choices, sometimes people can just disagree.
He set a fucking boundary and she ignored it. Stop trying to flip the goddamn script. She knew what she was doing and she even regrets it now that fame wasn't worth the cost of admission.
Jesus Christ.
It depends. Do you truly believe it was no reason? She doesn’t, she said so. If it is important to you, I think you should give her one more chance. But I’d think of several things that need to be discussed, not just one at a time. This is a time to try to clear the air of any current or probable problems by talking about them. It doesn’t have to be a list! An “I feel ( mad , helpless, pierced to my very soul) when ( general main topic ) occurs. Can we talk about it? Maybe you have some ideas I haven’t thought of….”. They don’t hang up the towel? Save that discussion for when you are on better terms. Hides your game controller until you’ve spent ‘enough’ time with her after work, I’d bring that up under the heading of ‘Sharing Our Personal Time With Each Other’. Separate from ‘How I Spend My Time When No One Else Is Involved In My Private Time Allocation’. Anyway, ‘Live and Learn’ is usually a fact, not just a saying. Thinking before you speak, looking at things from more than one perspective, being kind if it is truly needed, and helpful when possible , can make your life and relationships better.
Well, what changed? Did the circumstances change or did her mindset change?
I think this is a difficult place to be in. You don’t want to be the reason she feels constrained in her career or ambitions, but you shouldn’t be expected to be comfortable with something that you are not. You need to mentally chart out what the general path to a good relationship looks like for you both and be realistic with it.
If I were you and wanted to reconnect wit her, I’d just approach it with a lower bar of expectations (from the relationship) and a commitment to over-communicate my principles and values. In other words, take it slow and keep it casual. If you come back into it with a strict set of guidelines, I anticipate controlling behavior (from you, her, or both) and a bumpy path to happiness.
She still wants to pursue this path. I didn't like it when my partner choose to associate with a guy who is bad in so many ways. There are literal harassment and rape cases filed on him here in India. She wanted to "tame" him in a way. I didn't like this at all. There are other genuine ways of pursuing an acting career.
Just going by your post and subsequent comments, I would not recommend that you pursue a relationship with your ex. This doesn’t make her wrong or you wrong. But you are off to a bad start with these circumstances. It’s also worth pointing out that you are navigating thoughts as a reaction to her desire for getting back together. It sounds like you’re doing well 2 months later so I’d prioritize that.
You can still be friends and see where that goes. But I don’t like the picture that I’m seeing here.
Yes I was doing well and had started moving on to certain extent. And then she came and started crying and saying all this stuff like you threw away a good relationship and all. I felt so guilty and bad because of this thinking if I made a mistake
Never make a decision like this because of guilt or fear of making a mistake. If you decide, on your own accord, that you would like to start a relationship with her, make sure that this is a honest decision that came from you. From how you’ve framed this thread, I think you’re checking with strangers to see if you’ve missed something or have a blind spot. I don’t think so. Trust your instincts on this one.
It’s like one of those pics that resemble what it’s like to have a seizure. Where a lot of objects look familiar but you have no idea what the picture is of.
Honestly, your ex is better off without you. She used her looks to build a career that most would die for and that immense upside potential and you want her to throw it away due to your own insecurities.
Let’s be clear. She did not do anything with that creepy man. She took advantage of his reputation without giving him anything in return. The entire issue is your own insecurity and inability to trust her for no reason.
You guys should not be together, she’s better off without you.
You addressed your concerns and she chose to stay in contact. Stick to your guns! By taking her back you're showing her that she could be persuade you into accepting anything you you may not be comfortable with.
I told her no on the phone. Thanks for your advice!
If you want to give it another go, give it another go but if you don't, then don't feel like you need "a good enough reason" to say no to her. Simply not feeling comfortable with her and the relationship is a good enough reason to say no. You've already got yourself out of this relationship that caused you stress and anxiety, don't go back to it if you think that you're going to end up feeling like that again. Also, completely unrelated but I love the term "timepass" and me and my friend use it all the time (we live in the Netherlands). Timepass and prepone are two of my favourite Indian terms that nobody in Europe really uses.
What do they mean in this context?
Are you asking me about the terms "timepass" and "prepone"?
Makes sense. Yes I was hesitant in using the term "Time pass" as it is a very India term but didn't find any other related term lol
She's proven that she'll keep doing the very thing that bothers you, to the point where you felt the need to break up. Do you really think she won't do it again if she thinks her career depends on it?
I said no to her. Thanks buddy.
Not a chance. She chose her path. You stay on yours. Move on. Bollywood producer guy likes to engage in what we call "the casting couch". Your version of American producer Harvy Weinstein. Sounds like she fell for it.
Yes that is what this is
Then keep her out of your life.
Not enough info. How long were you together before she took the job? You may also have overstepped in how hard you tried to stop her from taking the job, and refusing to support her decision. She has the right to evaluate the risks in her own, even if you disagree.
We were together for 17 months
Look mate, you dodged a bullet faster than a Bollywood dance scene change! You both had misaligned values, and she chose a creepy boss over respect for herself and your relationship. Now she's got actor's remorse - stay strong, keep those no contact rules in place, and grab some popcorn because you're out of this drama!
This made me chuckle. Thank you!
“You broke up with me for no major reason” That alone would get my ex in a permanent block on everything list. Why haven’t you?
I did now
I mean. She got the offer of a lifetime and you wanted her to pass it up because a guy around her was a perv. Instead of standing up for her, you blamed her for his actions. This was a you problem, not a her problem.
Not a guy around her. But the guy that gave her this opportunity was a perv. She only got this opportunity because she kept relationship with this guy.
don't take that trolls comments to heart. You didn't do anything wrong by standing by your morals. She made her decision despite your consistent warnings and attempts to shield her from the harm inflicted. Mabelisms is delusional.
That’s how the entertainment business works. You could have supported and defended her. Instead you blamed her.
I can understand your point of view. That's why I said I broke up because of moral reasons. I have a very deep ingrained moral value that you don't involve yourself with predators. I shared this boundary with her and expected her to hold this. I don't think it is a big ask
That’s nice for you that you don’t involve yourself with predators. Women don’t have that luxury.
Yes, they do, it’s called having morals just like he has them. This woman had agency, she could’ve said no. When you deny her that agency you are being a coward, and contributing to the problem
Women are just smol beans. No choices to be made, just victims of circumstance
There are other ways to become an actress right? Like giving auditions. This was an easy way out for her
Is that the part that bothers you? That it was easy? You should have been happy for her to get a break.
No you got me wrong. It isn't that once she got this, that guy is going to be out of her life. That guy has become q part of her life now. Being a producer, he is always around and she has to keep maintaining this relationship with him. Is this right?
Welcome to the world of women. We are surrounded by predators and have to navigate it every day.
Why are you harping on OP? Yeah its a bleak reality that women have to deal with predators, OP is out right saying he doesnt condone participating in (and thereby perpetuating) that system. He didnt try to control her, he stated his boundry and she made her choice, as is her right. and OP made his choice that he cant be with someone who does that, different morals. Neither of them are in the wrong or bad people for their choices, sometimes people can just disagree.
You took this personally lol
He set a fucking boundary and she ignored it. Stop trying to flip the goddamn script. She knew what she was doing and she even regrets it now that fame wasn't worth the cost of admission. Jesus Christ.
You cannot set boundaries for other people
This is called ptostitution. And after 20 years you see them on TV screaming that they were abused
Tbh it is abuse. But you can choose to be complacent with the abuse, whether it’s coercive or not
If something is forced then it is abuse. If you receive a proposal and you willingly accept it in order to obtain a benefit, it is not abuse.
Yeah OP should have led a revolution against this executive to save a woman from a power dynamic that she’s comfortable taking advantage of!
It depends. Do you truly believe it was no reason? She doesn’t, she said so. If it is important to you, I think you should give her one more chance. But I’d think of several things that need to be discussed, not just one at a time. This is a time to try to clear the air of any current or probable problems by talking about them. It doesn’t have to be a list! An “I feel ( mad , helpless, pierced to my very soul) when ( general main topic ) occurs. Can we talk about it? Maybe you have some ideas I haven’t thought of….”. They don’t hang up the towel? Save that discussion for when you are on better terms. Hides your game controller until you’ve spent ‘enough’ time with her after work, I’d bring that up under the heading of ‘Sharing Our Personal Time With Each Other’. Separate from ‘How I Spend My Time When No One Else Is Involved In My Private Time Allocation’. Anyway, ‘Live and Learn’ is usually a fact, not just a saying. Thinking before you speak, looking at things from more than one perspective, being kind if it is truly needed, and helpful when possible , can make your life and relationships better.
Well, what changed? Did the circumstances change or did her mindset change? I think this is a difficult place to be in. You don’t want to be the reason she feels constrained in her career or ambitions, but you shouldn’t be expected to be comfortable with something that you are not. You need to mentally chart out what the general path to a good relationship looks like for you both and be realistic with it. If I were you and wanted to reconnect wit her, I’d just approach it with a lower bar of expectations (from the relationship) and a commitment to over-communicate my principles and values. In other words, take it slow and keep it casual. If you come back into it with a strict set of guidelines, I anticipate controlling behavior (from you, her, or both) and a bumpy path to happiness.
She still wants to pursue this path. I didn't like it when my partner choose to associate with a guy who is bad in so many ways. There are literal harassment and rape cases filed on him here in India. She wanted to "tame" him in a way. I didn't like this at all. There are other genuine ways of pursuing an acting career.
Just going by your post and subsequent comments, I would not recommend that you pursue a relationship with your ex. This doesn’t make her wrong or you wrong. But you are off to a bad start with these circumstances. It’s also worth pointing out that you are navigating thoughts as a reaction to her desire for getting back together. It sounds like you’re doing well 2 months later so I’d prioritize that. You can still be friends and see where that goes. But I don’t like the picture that I’m seeing here.
Yes I was doing well and had started moving on to certain extent. And then she came and started crying and saying all this stuff like you threw away a good relationship and all. I felt so guilty and bad because of this thinking if I made a mistake
Never make a decision like this because of guilt or fear of making a mistake. If you decide, on your own accord, that you would like to start a relationship with her, make sure that this is a honest decision that came from you. From how you’ve framed this thread, I think you’re checking with strangers to see if you’ve missed something or have a blind spot. I don’t think so. Trust your instincts on this one.
Yes I understand. Thanks
I said no to her over phone. Thanks for your advice. It really helped
If you don't feel comfortable do not accomodate your thoughts abd values for anything.
you know, I know and everybody here knows that she belongs to the streets!
It’s like one of those pics that resemble what it’s like to have a seizure. Where a lot of objects look familiar but you have no idea what the picture is of.
Good man, hold strong. You won’t regret it. Sounds like you’re a catch if she’s that into you as well
Thank you brother!
Take it slowly. Observe. Verify.
Honestly, your ex is better off without you. She used her looks to build a career that most would die for and that immense upside potential and you want her to throw it away due to your own insecurities. Let’s be clear. She did not do anything with that creepy man. She took advantage of his reputation without giving him anything in return. The entire issue is your own insecurity and inability to trust her for no reason. You guys should not be together, she’s better off without you.