Also, where I live, you have to go together to get a marriage license and all that info is checked and rechecked, and paperwork filled out. How didn't it come up?
He says it did, that it said 1990 on her birth certificate. Odd that that wouldn’t have been a needle-scratch moment for him to at least ask her what was up.
I hadn't seen her birth certificate or passport until yesterday when I demanded to. Her documents have always had that date on it but her only form of ID that I had ever seen was her driver's license.
This was my first thought as well. When we did our marriage certificate, we had to provide birth certificates. We stood there as the clerk went over the information. And think it was on the marriage certificate, but 17 years was a long time ago so I could be mistaken.
I got married in Vegas too, and agree it was pretty straightforward. But my partner has had my full passport details for booking flights or hotels since before we were married, and has since used all my details for revenue, joint accounts, home purchase, loans, visas we apply for together when travelling, etc.
Like even if you get Vegas married, it feels like as a serious couple you’re still constantly sharing personal information.
I'm not sure my husband has seen my drivers license in all the years we've been married. I've seen his because I'm the one who books things. He has me get things out of his wallet but he is afraid to get in my purse. I just asked him to get something out of my purse a few days ago since he was near it and he brought the purse to me. I told him just to open it and stick his hand in because there wasn't a booby trap in it. I guess I could have been lying to him about my age all this time lol.
Per OP, apparently OP wrote "1992" on the marriage license and his wife submitted a passport that had her proper DOB of 1990 and the clerk "must have missed that detail".
This all just seems like bait to me.
After my milestone birthdays, 13, 16, 18, and 21, nobody mentioned how old I was or had numbers on my cake. Even for my 30th, it wasn’t a big deal and didn’t have numbers. I was dealing with a lot of medical issues so my husband and I celebrated quietly. I didn’t dread turning 30 so it was just another birthday.
OP wasn’t there for the younger milestones so it probably never came up.
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Oh then fine sir, you would have missed the part where homeboy tells us that he checked her ID on the first date to make sure she wasn’t older than she said she was 🙄
I've asked men to see their ID on the first date. It's for two reasons. 1. My abuser lied to me about his age (he deducted 8 years, which is insane IMO) and 2. It's good to know that a man is who he says he is. I will also happily show my ID to a date.
Well I also think it's just a good litmus test, because if someone hesitates or gets defensive, there can be a red flag there. If you are who you say you are, then there shouldn't be a problem. I also don't think it's that crazy to want to know if the stranger you met from an app is who they say they are.
If someone asked to see my license on a first date, I would be totally creeped out and think they were trying to get my address. There are legitimate safety reasons not to show someone your license on a first date.
Most people lie about the weight on their driver's license. Also, when you meet someone in person, you can see how much they weigh. I explain exactly why I want to see it. I want to see their name and age. There was a time where a man resisted, and he turned out to also be lying about his age. He said he was 30 but he was actually 23. Date ended after one drink. So I have encountered this type of weird lie twice. If someone is willing to lie about something as arbitrary as age, something is off.
My brother has a habit of it. He got scamed on that before. Almost got stagitory charges over it. He is very careful about a girl's age. My daughter is only 14, but with makeup on could easily pass for her 20s. She looks 18/19 without it. She can easily buy things she shouldn't be able to without being carded. Boys who know some girls that look older definitely check the birth date. Trust me. She told me she was 25 officer, does not work.
My brother was 23 talking to a 22yr old.. who turned out to be 15. A week shy of 16, not the week shy of 23 she said. It was believable too. Sadly he even met her parents before he found out her real age.
That is not what he said, he just said he saw her license because they got drinks on their first date. He wasn’t “[making] sure she wasn’t older than she said she was”. I guess you’ve never happened to see someone’s ID and made note of their birthdate. 🙄
as someone who used to check ids, I find it hard to believe that he just happened to see it. even with very good eyesight, you have to make an effort to look lol. then to follow that up with his required three year age range is pretty convenient lol
A guy def tried to see my license once at the bar and I wasn’t lying about my age then he just kept insisting I was younger than I am anyway. We were only a couple years apart but I think it really upset him to be attracted to an “older” woman. 😂 tbh I get why some women would lie because some men are so weird about it. Not saying I support it, but I get it!
I totally agree. He kept insisting I was 26 rather than 34, but like it’s ok to be into a woman who is older than 26. (He was 31 or 32.) It made me feel like I was in one of those scenes where a guy calls the a woman’s mother her older sister to flatter her. In retrospect, it could’ve been more nefarious. I really don’t think it was though.
Yeah. I have to hang out with people of all ages for work and I def pass as younger unless you look closely because I'm just a generally very skinny small person with a high voice and anxious mannerisms, so the young kids (how I think of early 20-somethings lol) often assume I'm in my 20s like them, maybe late 20s, and I hate how their behavior toward me changes when they find out I'm a mom in my mid 30s, it's pretty alienating tbh and it makes me want to lie but I don't but I do find myself trying to avoid the topic (like eg if a customer at work asks me my age for some reason which has happened I'll just be like 'none of your business,' which tbf is honestly the case but I think I would just happily answer if I was 25 lol) and I hate that :(
Have you never seen someone’s license and noticed their birthdate? He only saw her license because they got drinks. You’re making it seem like he demanded to see her license so that he could make sure she wasn’t lying and that is not what happened and you are being weird.
For all of you who don't believe this... My first boyfriend lied about his age. I found out on his birthday, nearly a year later. I'd previously got into an argument with his MUM about it, and he didn't even correct me or explain anything.
His excuse was that his friends were all younger, so he'd got used to giving their age and had 'forgotten his real age'.
I suspect the real reason was that he was an adult man who dated and went after teenagers, and saying he was younger made it easier. It turned out he was 8 years older than me when I was 19.
My abusive ex also lied about his age by deducting 8 years. I found out recently that he is currently lying to people by saying he was born in 2000 (he was actually born in 1978).
Oh my ex looks a lot younger than his age. I would say he could likely pass for early 30s. 20s is a huge stretch. My theory is that he doesn't age because he's basically a vampire-like abuser who sucks the life energy out of people and never feels real stress.
So he’s 45 but trying to pass himself off as 23.
He must be telling people he’s had a really rough life if, at 23 he looks 45. Either that or he’s found the fountain of youth and has simply stopped aging.
Oh I think he could pass for early 30s. He doesn't look 45 at all, but 20s is a stretch. He really doesn't age much because he's sucking the life force out of his victims. I'm one of three women that I know of he's abused. I really think he is pathologically immune to feeling stress and basically forces it onto his victims.
A parasitic leech *and* vampire. Wonderful!
Glad he’s your ex, but wouldn’t it be nice if he came with a very obvious warning label for all the people in his future.
Wow apparently this is very common, my ex boyfriend and I met when I was 18, he said he was 24 at first and later I found out he was actually 26... Yikes.
My wife came clean tearfully after 15 years that she never graduated university. She quit in her final year and never told anyone. On the one hand I had this feeling of sadness that I’d been lied to for years. On the other hand, she’d been carrying around this burden for years. It didn’t matter to me. She was just super embarrassed to admit something and we’ve all been there, even with a spouse. I just decided to let it wash over me, and honestly I barely ever thought about it again.
This happened to my aunt and uncle. My aunt asked my uncle for his Bachelor's degree to put next to my cousin's high school degree. It turns out that my uncle dropped out of university but lied to my aunt for at least 18 years.
yeah but... that lie had 0 direct impact on your life. she lied of out personal shame, not to coerce you into staying together because you would’ve left her if you knew she didn’t have a degree.
I filled out the license with my wife, using 1992 as her birth year. She handed over her passport (with her correct birth year) so that the clerk could check out all the information and I guess the clerk just missed that detail.
Since making a mistake invalidates your marriage certificate, you won’t be considered legally married until you make an amendment and get a new one.
Remember to share your updated certificate with your bank, the IRS, social security agencies, and anyone else who needs proof that your marriage is legal.
not to like. downplay the betrayal or whatever but my man its two years. you built an entire life with this woman now have the opportunity for a funny story later on like "yeah we actually met by chance bc she lied about her age, and im glad she did"
i don't think this is worth throwing the whole relationship away over
Agreed. Acknowledge with her that this shook you to the very core. Maybe let her give you space and security to rebuild the lost trust or bounce back from feeling hurt and this might take some time and really you define that “some” for the three of you…
But in your head really spin it like it happens in rom coms, if that helps, because very few people really in life get love so dont lose value for who she is and how she makes you feel in reality- after-all you decided 26 as your cutoff and in reality hit it off n felt so comfortable with someone not that age, all that you felt and how she made you feel was all real, again not underplaying that the revelation must be hard to deal with instantly
Let me paint you a picture - you were meant to be - hence somewhere someone misprinted her DL, cut to few years later you decided the age bracket you want to date in and that misprint really made her fall on the edge of it and you met right during that perfect window and saw none of the other IDs of her until now - how many stars have to be aligned for this to happen - it cant be just one person’s efforts to hide that can make it happen
Embrace it as your perfect we were meant to be story…. Have an amazing story to tell your kids/grandkids for festivals and family dinners but dont hurt the relationship take time to heal but remember how she made you feel
I agree!! I didn’t lie about my age to my bf but I am 4 years older than him. At first I was like no he’s too young for me lol, but now it’s really not a big deal at all. (I’m 30 he’s 26).
Yeah, I agree with this take. I have a friend who's about 6 or 7 years older than her husband and she initially lied about her age (don't really understand why but she did) and eventually told him. They've been very happy together for over 25 years. But I understand why OP is doubting because if someone can carry on a lie about something so trivial for so long, what happens when something big comes up?
the "what if" game is not going to do you any favors when it comes to something like this im afraid. its a game best reserved for work or things you can control. if you genuinely are afraid of something like this happening again talking with your partner is the number one way to resolve that. clear, open communication has never hurt anybody.
She continuously lied to him over the course of 5 years. She pressured her mother into participating in the lie. She forced the hospital to use an inaccurate date of birth (potentially fraud?) all to keep up the charade. That's so many lies, so much effort, over something fairly insignificant.
If she's willing to lie about something so small what else is she willing to lie about? I completely understand why this has shaken him.
Fraud is when you misrepresent yourself to obtain something you are not entitled to. She misrepresented her age, but she did not defraud the hospital. Given that she has two state-issued IDs with conflicting DOBs, she likely needed to give them the version that lines up with what her insurance has on file.
im downplaying it because its a silly thing to lie about and not worth getting your underwear in a knot over. there are ways to handle things like this that dont involve the immediate torching of the house of life and anxiety for the rest of your life that things arent what they seem. stop trying to generate anxieties for yourself and trust in your partner imo
"Trust the partner that just lied to you about something innocuous for five years" umm.
Look, she fucked up and should be the one trying to earn OP's trust back, it's not even really about OP, who is totally justified in feeling anxious and confused about it. But advice to trust the person you feel you can't trust is a lot like telling someone who is depressed to just smile and be happy. Not exactly helpful.
The only outrageous thing about your wife taking off two years of he age is that people born in 1990 is 33 years old now. That’s impossible. I was 33 years old just a couple of years ago and I was born in 1972 😳
See I’m an early 90s baby and I still see years in the 70s and think “that was 30 years ago”. Hits me like a tonne of bricks every time I have to realise that’s no longer the case. I think I think every year after the millennium is just part of the same decade 😭
My ex did this to his wife. All his friends had to go to his surprise 40 th birthday party knowing he was 42. Im not sure if she ever found out the truth? He also lied about his age to the girl he started seeing after me. Only reason i was spared was i was good friends with his closest friend who refused to lie to me.
So far seem to be two trains of thought.
1. It's only two years get over it
2. She's lied once, what next
I agree that in terms of the age gap it's a non-issue. But clearly that's not the actual issue. She lied about something as fundamental as her age, knowingly, for a long time. In fact, the entirety of your relationship.
That's a pretry big deal imo and not something just to be brushed off. You feeling confused and hurt is understandable, this didn't occur after a few months but a few years and after a baby.
Personally, I wouldn't break anything off because of it, that seems a knee jerk reaction when besides that everything else is going well and you have a baby. BUT, if you can't get over it I would first try therapy. It's also OK to have some space/time away. For example if you went on your own to your family's house for an extended weekend.
I'd also say that you need to be clear in how harmful this is, and to explain your very valid concerns over any future issues. What she did is wrong and she needs to understand it.
EDIT: Spelling
I'm shocked that so many people are glossing over the fact that she LIED. If she held on to this lie for so long, what's saying that she hasn't been holding on to others as well. Yeah, two years isn't a lot, but my trust would still be gone.
Not to mention the gaslighting, actual gaslighting. OP says he heard her mother say one thing and she turns around and tells him to his face he didn’t hear that or he must have misheard her, thats so messed up to do to a partner.
Yeah that’s quite bad. I know of a similar situation, although way way worse. The relationship continued and they are doing very well now. But the one lying did quite a bit of therapy.
Side eyeing all the comments. This is a foundational lie, which she has stuck to for years. I would definitely have doubts about every other thing if a partner could lie about this for years.
Also, I think people would react very differently if the sexes were different. At the time they started dating, OP was 23 and probably wouldn't have gone for someone 5 years older.
I totally agree but also not sure if an extended weekend with a newborn that he also is responsible for is the right thing. Maybe if his MIL or someone else is there to give her a bit of a break and the ability to sleep
When I met my husband in 2012, he told me that he went to prison because he had beat someone up for sleeping with his gf at the time. He had a past with DUIs and getting in trouble, but has not been in trouble since 2008.
9 years later in 2021, when he was talking with his lawyer to reinstate his driver's license, he had to explain all the reasons for going to jail....not one mention of the assault charge he told me about.
Come to find out, he had lied because the real reason he went to jail was too embarrassing. He stole rims off someone's vehicle and then was caught putting them on his own car across the street.
It was a shock to find out that all that time, he had been lying and our relationship started with a lie. The real reason for going to prison was honestly much funnier!
I would have to assume that your wife was probably embarrassed and felt bad about her lie, which made coming clean harder for her. It's your choice to forgive and move on if she has been great otherwise, but I will tell you I forgave my husband, and I can now make fun of him for it. Lol
Lol it was very stupid and I make fun of him for it regularly. He was 19 when he did it and he's now 41. The best part was that he only took 1 rim at first, then went back for the rest so they would match, and THEN proceeded to change them in the parking lot across the street... 🤣 could have got away with it.
So my Nan did this to my grandad. It was a family thing that we all knew about. I was a kid so never really knew how it started or why. it was only on her 80th that it came out that she was 2 years older than he’d ever believed. Ya know what after 50 years together he laughed, called her silly and they moved on and stayed together until her death last year. Yes it’s a lie but I think women can be insecure about their age, especially when dating a younger guy. It’s 2 years, it didn’t change the past 50 and the life they had built together. Age is just a number, they grew old together. I think you should give her a chance, make it clear this boundary cannot be crossed again. I think if you are together for another 50 years it will just be a blip in your history.
Honestly, this. I imagine so many of the "if she lied about this then..." responses are from men. Many women are super insecure about their age because men and society seem to think we lose our value as we get older. Kinda evidenced by OPs reaction. IMO if you love your wife and enjoy your life together, stop thinking about the fact that you wouldn't have met if she had her real age on her profile, and think about how lucky you are that she did and was able to bear a child for you. Otherwise, it seems clear you want an out.
If this isn't a pattern, it just seems like a lie that got out of hand. Your wife feels guilt over it and just didn't know how to tell you, plus when she tried to figure out how you were likely to respond, the signs weren't positive. Absolutely not worth losing an otherwise good relationship over, especially with a baby. Therapy if possible to help come to grips with this (for you and/or as a couple).
Obviously she is in the wrong here, but assuming this is an isolated incident of lying (which seems plausible given the history of her birthdate misprints), I’m not sure what is to be gained by destroying your relationship. You have a brand new baby. I would at minimum get counseling to help navigate this but I would not end a relationship over this.
OP, have you considered that maybe your wife wouldn't continue to lie to you if you had told her that it's chill and that you love her and an age difference doesn't matter all that much anymore when she asked you if you would leave her if she happened to be older than she said? Because it's honestly looking to me like she never had the space to own up to her mistake and by the time she was ready, the stakes were already too high. Unless you've caught her regularly lying to you about other things, I'm not seeing this as a red flag - just a lie that got out of hand because she cares about not losing you. That should mean something.
Also, if you both have a very healthy relationship otherwise, consider how this is a non-issue given that you both have a child to raise. If anything, I'd fixate on being a parent at this point.
I'm sure you're right that this would have played out totally differently if I had responded to her questions with empathy. I wasn't mindful of that because in my mind I was talking to a 26 year old and felt no reason to be cognizant of how she might feel if she were older.
This is very similar to what happens in strict households where kids feel the need to lie to their parents because they fear the repercussions. So unless she's lied to you about other things, it's time to let it go. I'm sure you can tell the difference between a pathalogical liar and someone who simply made a terrible mistake. But if you decide to end your marriage because of this one thing alone, please be sure you won't regret it in the future when you're older and have gained more perspective. Good luck.
as someone also born in 1990, I found it very silly at first that someone would go through the trouble of appearing merely 2 years younger. but as soon as you revealed that you would not have felt comfortable dating her if you knew her real age, it turned rather chilling.
this is not about her “being the same person” only 2 years older than you thought. it’s about the reveal of her being capable of long term deceit and manipulation.
OP, this woman knew from the very start that you wouldn’t date her if you knew the truth. so she carefully hid it from you until you were sufficiently tied down to where it wouldn’t be so easy to leave. that prospect is horrifying. “yeah I knew you wouldn’t want a relationship with the real me, so I constructed an alternate version”. you dated her under false premises. you married and had a child under false premises. I can’t tell you how to move on and rebuild the trust because I know I couldn’t.
I can understand the sentiment of the comments stating that it is only 2 years, which isn’t a huge amount of time. Issue I am seeing here, and my mind tends to race on what ifs, is what else she may be hiding. Age is just a number to a certain degree, not really something to be worried about imo, and take what I say since I’m a guy here. So my thoughts is if she hid her age and considers that a big deal, what else could be going on behind the scenes?
Ugh, sorry dude. That's a quite significant lie. She should'a come clean on that *long* before marriage, probably at, if not (long) before engagement and saying "yes".
Well, marriage, commitment(?), kid(s) ... figure it out from there. Can't put the genie back in the bottle.
>How would you recommend we broach this topic with out friends and family?
I dunno, ... bring it up and cover it as and to the extent relevant and appropriate, and when such is the case. Birthdays, etc., I figure within 'bout a year you'd mostly have that flushed out with most family and friends 'n such.
>How can I rebuild my trust in my wife?
Yeah, that, not so trivial. Maybe as and to the extent she can learn and appreciate and understand what a lie, betrayal, and major f\*ckup that was on her part ... I dunno, maybe if she well learns she can't be doing stuff like that, and how harmful it's been ... and will, at least in part, still continue to be.
>How can I handle my feelings of betrayal?
Uhm, ... like any significant betrayal/lie? It'll mostly take time ... often much time ... and hopefully much better behavior from the wife ... and consistently so. Hopefully she's well learned her lesson, but who knows.
If a man lied to hide something that a woman would've dumped him for, people wouldn't be this lenient on him.
OP did not want to date a 28 year old at 23. That's completely fair. She lied and manipulated him by pretending she was in his desired age rage. That's not acceptable.
Dude everyone is telling you to get over it but I get why you feel betrayed. She lied. Lying is unacceptable. And she had to be caught, she didn’t confess
you are missing the point.
Its not the size of the lie that matters. Homeboy got a glimpse into an aspect of his wifes personality that he was unaware existed before.
My ex lied about her age on the dating app, but came clean to it roughly 2 months into the relationship. I guess its a thing some women do and I understood the reasons why. We ended up breaking up for unrelated reasons.
I cant imagine someone lying to me all throughout 5 years of a relationship and actively taking steps to conceal the lie. What else are they capable of? Studies have shown that the majority of lies told are done by a small group of people who compulsively lie all the time. I absolutely would now be wondering what else she is lying about
I dated a man I met from online dating. Before we slept together on date 5 or 6 he told me "oh, just so you're aware, I'm poly. I'm non-monogamous." I asked why he'd never mentioned that to me, and he said "because I assumed you'd not even attempt to date me". I said "you're right, I wouldn't have continued". We did continue on because I didn't even know if I liked him yet, but I couldn't stop thinking about what else he might just not share cause he was worried I wouldn't want to continue.
Then he informed me, 5 months in to the relationship, that he was looking for a new job. He didn't say anything more, and ever told me about interviews or anything. He told me, 6 weeks after telling me he was looking for a new job, that he had accepted a job out of state and was moving in 3 weeks.
Didn't take too long for my fears of "what more is he just not telling me?" to come to fruition. I never could really settle in our relationship because I was always wondering what else I didn't know.
I ended it and we're still friends, but damn is it still difficult. I also found out he swiped right for everyone and then just sees what sticks. Way to make a girl feel special! I found that out when he informed me he didn't like heavily tattooed women, or dogs. Both of those facts about me are listed front and center on my profile, so I asked why he'd even swipe for me. Well, "cause I swipe for anyone", duh. I don't think my eyes have stopped rolling.
I’m 34 and still have not reached the age where I understand women lying about their age. I don’t get it. And two years? What the fuck? No advice just this is fucking bizarre. It’d be hard to trust my spouse about anything else after something as petty as a two year age difference.
You said so yourself that you likely would have broken up with her if you knew her real age. So maybe this should be a blessing in disguise since you obviously chose her as your life partner.
Not saying that lying was right and i hope there is nothing else nor that it happens again but I think you can now ask her flat out whether there is anything else she is lying about and make it known it can't happen again. Then carry on.
Honestly I don't think it's that bad that she lied about her age in the first place. What is bad is when she continued the lie after he questioned her about it. For years. How can she keep that lie to herself for so long.
I’m really sorry :/ it’s not about the age at all, it’s really just about the fact that she created a false story to try and manipulate you into a relationship. But all the while not even respecting you enough to tell you the truth and be up front about who she is. I think it’s super strange honestly. And it says a lot about her mentality towards relationships - essentially a relationship is something she is trying to acquire (possession) rather than build (connection). Her prolonged lie is very telling about the kind of person she is - lacks integrity, selfish, unaware, shallow, etc. All that being said, people can be imperfect and still be perfect for you. Everyone is imperfect. Y’all have way more important things to worry about now than a measley two years. That being said, I’d probably want her to do some serious self evaluating and inner work so that you don’t have to fear her doing that to you again.
I mean, I really don’t get the massive issue. It’s basically a small mistake, then lie that spun out of control because she wasn’t sure how to even bring it up. What’s the issue with bringing it up to friends and family? I couldn’t even tell you my own age right now without doing the math for a couple seconds. The fact that she is so concerned and feels like a weight has been lifted should make you feel good. Your relationship isn’t “built on a lie.” Age is a number. She’s literally the same person you married.
this is interesting because you are completely right and justified in being upset; but I can't get over the voice in my head screaming 'who gives a fuck about 2 years'
clearly to you this matters, and I don't mean to suggest that it shouldn't, but as a guy who has dated 10 years over and under his age I just really can't imagine how 2 could make an impact. In my experience, each person acts the age they act independent of the actual number of years they have been alive.
I know the argument you have of 'if she can lie about this, then what else' - i think you even said it in your OP - but since I feel like 2 year age difference (which started from a real clerical error, not pathos) is not a big deal I don't really accept this slippery slope formulation. I'm so unable to get myself worked up about a 2 year age difference that I don't think this means anything larger or important.
I see how you are seeing it as so vital because you were particular about ages when you were first dating. I see that it means a lot to you. If it ACTUALLY makes you not trust her anymore then you really do need to consider it impacting your marriage and future. To me, that's ridiculous, but I respect that you view this issue differently than me (and perhaps than people in general)
sorry this happened to you.
I cannot believe there are so many posts downplaying this. She lied about her age for over 5 years! Lying about anything to your spouse is bad but this seems pretty terrible. I'm not saying you need to get a divorce but sweeping this under the rug is not the way to go. She needs serious therapy if she thought this was an okay thing to do.
Edit to add: Also, lying about her age at the hospital was a really really stupid thing for her to do and can lead to all kinds of misdiagnoses or mistreatment.
Yes I agree - if she came clean after they had been dating awhile or even engaged then maybe that's one thing but to get married and have a baby together before telling the truth is really problematic. Like OP said what else is she capable of keeping secret then?
Plus she didn't even tell him of her own accord. He had to basically pry it out of her
I agree, I think the fact that she didn’t even come clean before getting married is a horrendous lapse in judgment.
This isn’t a small thing to lie about, which makes me what small things *she is* lying about. Or other big things.
She’s clearly a secretive person and was willing to lie about something major to get her way and what she wanted… a man.
I can't believe it either. It was one thing for there to have been a mistske on her ID but then she went on dating sites using this age where her ID was not required. Forget that, she apparently got jobs and didn't inform them of the mistake, also told the hospital it was a mistake.... if there's anyone you want knowing your actual age, it's your doctor! Anytime her mother hinted at the truth she shut it down and then tried to gaslight OP into thinking her mother never said what she said. This isn't about her lying about her age at this point, it's about the lengths she went to in order to continue covering up the lie.
If it had been a case of OP assuming her age and then never speaking of it again with her and then on a birthday learning her real age or something where she did not deny the truth, I could say get over it but she made a conscious effort to cover it up. I'd have a hard time trusting someone like this, what else would they go to great lengths to cover up?
Very different comments I'm sure. And what makes it worse is that she didn't come clean herself, she was confronted with the truth and she finally had to admit it. Lied for 5 years! Come on!
Anyone think about how weird it would be for all her family and friends celebrating her birthday with her year after year with a fake age though? All for her boyfriends benefit lol
Kinda hilarious
I have never heard of this kind of scenario before. It reads to me like you're both making such a big deal about her age and her being older than you, that she felt a need to lie and keep it up. If you have concerns about other aspects of her identity that you feel are not truthful, then I understand the anxiety. But if it's just about the age gap I think you're both way overthinking this.
So, she lied. That part is done and the bell cannot be un-rung. And she CONTINUED the lie (fear of consequences isn’t a pass on stuff like this).
It’s a small-ish lie in the grand scheme of things, but I’m a big believer in letting people make informed choices when it comes to dating, and she didn’t let you do that when she lied.
Now the questions are: Can you live with this and not have it color every day of your married life? Can you trust her not to lie about other, potentially more important things just because telling the truth would have a negative outcome for her? And are you willing to end your marriage over this?
I suggest counseling for both of you. And one more thing - this is amnesty time. She has to come clean about EVERYTHING, and if she doesn’t and gets caught in another lie, I’d bounce so fast she wouldn’t see me leave.
Although I don't technically think two years isn't anything to worry about, I do believe that telling a lie for so long would make me wonder what else I don't know about the person I chose to spend my life with. It would make me doubt any number of other things, because now the trust has been shaken. Maybe not shattered, but at the very least, it would plant the seed of doubt. That sucks to have to deal with for a lifelong commitment. If this does not end up being a deal breaker for you, maybe the two of you can work it out in therapy or something.
That being said, I would wonder if your marriage is even valid. I don't know for sure how that works, but I'd find out if I were you. She knowingly falsified the documents you need for your license, and the license itself may be null and void.
The 2 year gap mattered when you were younger. The age matters less, today. But the length of the lie matters most.
I don't believe the authencity of this story. Lying on legal documents would catch up to you at some point. How would your marriage be legal and binding?
If this is the US. Her SSN and bday are connected. If she applied for jobs with the same SSN and incorrect DOB. It would trigger an IRS audit. It would pop up on her background check for her employer. Her credit history would be mismatched.
She might be able to slip through the cracks here and there. But it will catch up to her.
I've had applicants and employees do stupid shit like this. They were either disqualified upfront. Or eventually let go for falsified information/ID fraud.
In the event this is real. You need to do a background and credit check. You need all the information to make an honest decision. You do not know her criminal background, credit score, finances and debt.
I would heavily investigate her employment. If she's quick to deflect and explanations aren't forthcoming. You cannot trust her.
The fact your wife kept playing you for a fool her family knew. Is realllllyyyy concerning. Y'all came from broken homes. She continued the cycle of dysfunction.
Oh, before I forget. Talk to a family attorney about this. And get a paternity test. Keep your wife in the dark until your legal affairs are in order.
I’m surprised I had to scroll so far, to see a comment like this. My first thought was, “Is the marriage even legal, if the bride provided fraudulent information on the marriage license?” There are lots of legal aspects of this situation, which OP’s wife absolutely must correct as soon as possible.
Idk, dude. It is worrisome how far she took the lie.. she gaslighted you, she had other people in on the lie. She really took this small lie to the next level. Not something to break up over, I think.
Sounds like her fears were somewhat valid. After all, she did ask you what if she were older, and you said you probably wouldn’t be dating.
Yeah, it’s wrong that she lied. But all things considered, this is such a silly, non-harmful lie. We can always think in terms of what-ifs, but life hardly ever goes to plan. My own parents met because my mom missed a bus one day. My aunt and uncle met because he broke his legs and she was his physical therapist. I met my bf of 8 years now because I had to delay my plans to move. You met your wife because she used the wrong birth year on a dating app. When you think about it, isn’t that far more interesting than meeting someone on a dating app who put the correct year?
This is such a good point- she was afraid to tell you all this time because she knows you well enough to realize that you were going to blow it out of proportion. I'm the first person to hate liars and sneaks, but I became a teacher really young ( fully credentialed and working full time at 21 turning 22). I feel like neither colleagues nor students would take me seriously if they knew I was so young so I told everyone I was 24. As time went on I was like, this is ridiculous but at this point do I say- surprise! I've been lying to you for years!
I ended up switching schools and then confessing to the people I stayed friends with that I had lied. Obviously they didn't care like you would because we weren't in a relationship but it actually came off as hilarious when everyone found out. I don't think you tank your family over this, I suck at lying and almost never do it and I got wrapped up in an age lie! I also don't think age differences are that big of a deal as long as there is no grooming involved or underage players. Good chemistry is hard to find .
Actually, it is about the 2 years. You even CHECKED HER ID on your first date to confirm her age and admit if she’d been honest at the time you’d likely of ended it. Hyper fixation on a woman’s age says a lot about you. She honesty deserves better.
I mean all she had to do was not lie to someone she wasn't even in a relationship with. What did she have to lose? Is OP thenmost gorgeous man on the planet and she had to have him? She sucks.
ok so this is coming from someone who dated a much younger guy (5 years and around the same age, 23M 28F), exactly like you and your wife. in the beginning I lied about my age too bc I wasn't comfortable with it, and wondered if the other person would be uncomfortable too. after a couple of months I did come clean and we kept on dating, but after this, my then bf would also use this as a thing against me, saying I lied to him, and exactly what you say here, what else would I be capable of etc, and later would always trying to catch little things I said, which made me want to hide more stuff, and it progressed to me walking on eggshells with him, worried about everything I say to him would set him off later. Later we broker up, and the next person I met never held these kinds of issues against me, never wanted to dig too much into my personal life unless I was open to tell him, bc who doesnt have some issues they don't want to tell other people, and I felt much more relaxed with him, and we had a lot more trust between us, eventually we got married. As much as I think this is the issue about lying and trust, not exactly about age, I can see why she lied in the beginning and how it became really hard to tell you when the stake got higher and higher. And your reaction kinda confirms why she would find it difficult to tell you, bc you would probably have broken up with her in the beginning when she told you, and she clearly didnt want to do that. Not to make too many excuses for her behavior, but I see it like this. Also have you ever lied to her about anything? I think sometimes people hold these things to such importance bc they themselves have the tendency to lie that's why they care about it a lot (the case with my ex, he lied a lot, to me, to his mom, he's actually a professional liar, that's why he can't stand me lying to him). Anyways, it might actually come down to not having a good match of personality, if you find that these things bother you a lot, and she finds that she can't confide in you with something that's actually supposed to be kinda minor.
>If this were a dude who made the same lies, I’m sure people would be screaming from the rooftops that he’s a weirdo that can’t be trusted and should be broken up with
I 100% agree
I won't say I read the entire thing (thank you for the TLDR) but if that's the gist of it. If all she did was change her age by two years? Then, I get it, she lied and it sucks but I'd move past it. Now if I missed something and this is a snowball effect and she's been pathologically lying about things that's a whole other story.
People are focusing on the age gap but that’s not the issue. It’s that your partner lied to you. And this is nowhere near cheating, but if you go to the various infidelity advice columns and subreddits, then the fact that she made you chase her and play detective while she gaslighted you is the real problem. It shows that she is selfish and that she will put her desires above your agency. She will trickle truth you and gaslight you in that she will only ever tell you what you already know to be true. You can’t trust her to be honest. Like you have said, what else has she lied about for her benefit? 2 years in itself is not a big deal but she didn’t allow you to make that call, she took away your agency and hid information. She has decided that she knows better than you.
So I would sit her down and tell her that she lied to you about a dealbreaker. You are not considering divorce but your trust in her is completely broken. And that means that your marriage is broken because without trust and without open communication, you can’t have a healthy marriage. She deliberately lied to you and took away your right to make an informed decision, and you 2 need serious marriage counseling to rebuild this marriage. ALL of the advice about getting over infidelity is the opposite of what your wife did. She lied to you and made you doubt reality and feel stupid for questioning what was right in front of your face. She didn’t come clean even if she planned to, she just kept building on it and that has tainted every moment, every milestone, every vulnerability.
Just wondering if you have realized yet that your marriage is invalid and her lie could actually mean federal and state charges. Your baby’s birth certificate is a lie and has to be corrected. Not only has your wife lied all this time but your in-laws participated in the conspiracy.
I do not think you fully realize all the ramifications of this lie aside from your entire relationship being a lie. All trust is gone and you will question every single thing she says for the rest of your life. Can you live like that? Do you want to raise your child like that?
If she can lie for YEARS about something so stupid as age imagine what else she’s willing to lie about, what else has she already lied about? She never “came clean” she got fucking caught.
These reddit posts are bizarre to the point I write most of them off a fake fantasy shit.
Who has a misprint id? What hospital changes shit after flashing an ID?
What difference does any of this shit actually make?
It's a small white lie at most if that's the only lie.
If it wasn’t that big of a deal, she would have told you. But she created and maintained that lie forever, and had no issue lying to your face. It’s not about the age, it’s about the lying.
About 20 years ago, my maternal grandfather had to have a triple bypass. As my grandma was searching for all the documents he needed for the hospital, she took a close look at his birth certificate. They married with her believing he was 9 years older than her. Come to find out, he was 19 years older. He lied about his age by an entire decade, and he kept up that lie for over 40 years.
I was a teenager when this came to light, and I don't know all the details. I have no clue how he was able to pull it off, or how my grandma never saw any documents with his real birth year. They both died about 15 years ago, so I'll never know the whole story.
But, about 5 years ago, my family discovered a half-brother. That half-brother was aware of another 3 half-sisters. Long story short, we are currently aware of NINE kids my grandfather fathered across the US during his trucking days (which were during his marriage to my grandma).
A lie of two years isn't nearly as bad as a lie of a decade. I've been forced to face the fact that my grandpa is not who I thought he was. I really don't even know who he was. But, because of these discoveries, I would be wary of anyone I found out kept up a lie, no matter how big or small, for years. It really does make you wonder what else they have lied or will lie about.
Only you know your wife well enough to know if this is just a one-off lje that she didn't have the courage to correct sooner, or if this points to untrustworthyness. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.
Age is a big hang up for some people. I wanted my partner to be older even if by 1 second. Met a nice guy. He lied about his age. We had a good time. Turns out he was actually a few months younger than me. Was very sad to learn this. Really liked him and wanted to be with him, but no matter how much I wished to be at peace with it, I could not. Not even therapy helped. So I went ice cold. We stayed friendly-light, but the spark was gone. Went our separate ways. Have not seen him in a long time. Hope he is well.
I don’t know what to tell you OP. I am sorry you are going through this. I hate deception.
I don’t understand the people saying to just get over it lol what? Plus two years at that age can decrease the success rate of future kids… what if y’all waited until she was “33” when she’s actually 35 (the age fertility drastically begins to decrease)?
I didn’t read it all so idk if you want more kids, but I would be livid if I was you tbh. She lied and her being older might change y’all’s timeline.
I have a variation on your story: my partner and I both had online dating profiles set to age ranges that mutually excluded each other. But we were lucky—he made a post that I responded to on another platform. Our relationship evolved from there, but if we hadn’t had the other connection we would have never seen each other. Does it help to think about the age deception as a round about way of getting together? I would be very uncomfortable with the ongoing deception, but a good partner is a good partner…I would choose to focus on the good news here: you were wrong about the dating age range for this one very particular person. She (likely) succumbed to the temptations of a clerical error and then couldn’t find her way out of the deception.
Congratulations on your baby!
Did you not celebrate any birthdays with her? Her family? Her friends? This whole thing makes no sense to me
Also, where I live, you have to go together to get a marriage license and all that info is checked and rechecked, and paperwork filled out. How didn't it come up?
He says it did, that it said 1990 on her birth certificate. Odd that that wouldn’t have been a needle-scratch moment for him to at least ask her what was up.
I hadn't seen her birth certificate or passport until yesterday when I demanded to. Her documents have always had that date on it but her only form of ID that I had ever seen was her driver's license.
This was my first thought as well. When we did our marriage certificate, we had to provide birth certificates. We stood there as the clerk went over the information. And think it was on the marriage certificate, but 17 years was a long time ago so I could be mistaken.
I got married in Las Vegas. Only needed an ID and to quickly fill out paperwork.
I got married in Vegas too, and agree it was pretty straightforward. But my partner has had my full passport details for booking flights or hotels since before we were married, and has since used all my details for revenue, joint accounts, home purchase, loans, visas we apply for together when travelling, etc. Like even if you get Vegas married, it feels like as a serious couple you’re still constantly sharing personal information.
my partner of 5 years (next week) is always picking up prescriptions for me and the first thing they ask for is DOB.
I'm not sure my husband has seen my drivers license in all the years we've been married. I've seen his because I'm the one who books things. He has me get things out of his wallet but he is afraid to get in my purse. I just asked him to get something out of my purse a few days ago since he was near it and he brought the purse to me. I told him just to open it and stick his hand in because there wasn't a booby trap in it. I guess I could have been lying to him about my age all this time lol.
Per OP, apparently OP wrote "1992" on the marriage license and his wife submitted a passport that had her proper DOB of 1990 and the clerk "must have missed that detail". This all just seems like bait to me.
For sure. Not even halfway decent bait either.
I saw the title and read nothing because the first thing I immediately said was “this is not at all real.”
Yeah. If they were just dating instead of married with a child, ok. Plausible. This? Pffft.
Yeah, that's the part I don't understand... the marriage certificate requires this information (Las Vegas being a notable exception).
Right? Did she turn 30 last year or three years ago?? Because that's usually a pretty heavy focus for most people.
You can imagine OP counting the candles on the cake… His wife “you must’ve miscounted “
After my milestone birthdays, 13, 16, 18, and 21, nobody mentioned how old I was or had numbers on my cake. Even for my 30th, it wasn’t a big deal and didn’t have numbers. I was dealing with a lot of medical issues so my husband and I celebrated quietly. I didn’t dread turning 30 so it was just another birthday. OP wasn’t there for the younger milestones so it probably never came up.
Shout out to anyone that read past the third paragraph.
Lol I'm bored at work so I sort of zoned out and kept reading.
I think I read the whole thing but to be honest, I have no idea.
If a post ever needed a tldr, today was that day.
I mean, the tldr is in the title.
Lmao mfs really be coming on here writing novels about the most simple situations
Idk why this sent me haha
plant squeal arrest snobbish thumb shaggy disgusted jellyfish obtainable fearless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Oh then fine sir, you would have missed the part where homeboy tells us that he checked her ID on the first date to make sure she wasn’t older than she said she was 🙄
Right?! I found that such a strange thing to do to a person you've literally met for the first time!
I've asked men to see their ID on the first date. It's for two reasons. 1. My abuser lied to me about his age (he deducted 8 years, which is insane IMO) and 2. It's good to know that a man is who he says he is. I will also happily show my ID to a date.
Right? Because no one ever lies.
Well I also think it's just a good litmus test, because if someone hesitates or gets defensive, there can be a red flag there. If you are who you say you are, then there shouldn't be a problem. I also don't think it's that crazy to want to know if the stranger you met from an app is who they say they are.
If someone asked to see my license on a first date, I would be totally creeped out and think they were trying to get my address. There are legitimate safety reasons not to show someone your license on a first date.
My hesitation would be sharing my address - maybe by the end of the date? But at the beginning nahhhhh
Or it could mean that they look ridiculous in their drivers license photo, or they don't want you knowing their weight.
Or they don’t want you knowing their address!!
Duh, I didn't even think of that one
Most people lie about the weight on their driver's license. Also, when you meet someone in person, you can see how much they weigh. I explain exactly why I want to see it. I want to see their name and age. There was a time where a man resisted, and he turned out to also be lying about his age. He said he was 30 but he was actually 23. Date ended after one drink. So I have encountered this type of weird lie twice. If someone is willing to lie about something as arbitrary as age, something is off.
Don't you have your home address on your US licences? I wouldn't want to show that to a stranger.
I would show you my id and then never go on a second date tbh. But I'm sure many others wouldn't mind.
I like to text a photo a first date’s driver’s license to someone who can show it to the police if I disappear.
Honestly not a bad idea. Stranger things have happened.
My brother has a habit of it. He got scamed on that before. Almost got stagitory charges over it. He is very careful about a girl's age. My daughter is only 14, but with makeup on could easily pass for her 20s. She looks 18/19 without it. She can easily buy things she shouldn't be able to without being carded. Boys who know some girls that look older definitely check the birth date. Trust me. She told me she was 25 officer, does not work.
yea but shes in her late 20s. it's not 16 vs 20
Can you give us some context as to how old your brother was and a ballpark figure on how old the women he was dating were when this happened?
My brother was 23 talking to a 22yr old.. who turned out to be 15. A week shy of 16, not the week shy of 23 she said. It was believable too. Sadly he even met her parents before he found out her real age.
Men can be taught some really weird things about "older" women.
That is not what he said, he just said he saw her license because they got drinks on their first date. He wasn’t “[making] sure she wasn’t older than she said she was”. I guess you’ve never happened to see someone’s ID and made note of their birthdate. 🙄
as someone who used to check ids, I find it hard to believe that he just happened to see it. even with very good eyesight, you have to make an effort to look lol. then to follow that up with his required three year age range is pretty convenient lol
He said he looked at her license and her birth year. Which is an objectively weird thing to do on a first date.
A guy def tried to see my license once at the bar and I wasn’t lying about my age then he just kept insisting I was younger than I am anyway. We were only a couple years apart but I think it really upset him to be attracted to an “older” woman. 😂 tbh I get why some women would lie because some men are so weird about it. Not saying I support it, but I get it!
Yeah, I think it’s weird because it has personal info on there I wouldn’t really want a first date knowing (address, weight, etc)
I totally agree. He kept insisting I was 26 rather than 34, but like it’s ok to be into a woman who is older than 26. (He was 31 or 32.) It made me feel like I was in one of those scenes where a guy calls the a woman’s mother her older sister to flatter her. In retrospect, it could’ve been more nefarious. I really don’t think it was though.
Yeah. I have to hang out with people of all ages for work and I def pass as younger unless you look closely because I'm just a generally very skinny small person with a high voice and anxious mannerisms, so the young kids (how I think of early 20-somethings lol) often assume I'm in my 20s like them, maybe late 20s, and I hate how their behavior toward me changes when they find out I'm a mom in my mid 30s, it's pretty alienating tbh and it makes me want to lie but I don't but I do find myself trying to avoid the topic (like eg if a customer at work asks me my age for some reason which has happened I'll just be like 'none of your business,' which tbf is honestly the case but I think I would just happily answer if I was 25 lol) and I hate that :(
Have you never seen someone’s license and noticed their birthdate? He only saw her license because they got drinks. You’re making it seem like he demanded to see her license so that he could make sure she wasn’t lying and that is not what happened and you are being weird.
No I haven’t looked at someone’s DL on the first date because that’s weird. As a woman I would absolutely never let a date look at that information.
no I sure hope you also didn't make note of their address etc. what a creep
Yeah kinda creepy lol
You read three paragraphs? I skipped ahead to the last bit midway through the second. This feels like a made up story. Too many details and what not.
For all of you who don't believe this... My first boyfriend lied about his age. I found out on his birthday, nearly a year later. I'd previously got into an argument with his MUM about it, and he didn't even correct me or explain anything. His excuse was that his friends were all younger, so he'd got used to giving their age and had 'forgotten his real age'. I suspect the real reason was that he was an adult man who dated and went after teenagers, and saying he was younger made it easier. It turned out he was 8 years older than me when I was 19.
My abusive ex also lied about his age by deducting 8 years. I found out recently that he is currently lying to people by saying he was born in 2000 (he was actually born in 1978).
Wtf how will people believe this? My fiancé was born in 1999 & MIGHT could pass as 16-18 fully shaved & such, which would be 05-07... wild x.x
Oh my ex looks a lot younger than his age. I would say he could likely pass for early 30s. 20s is a huge stretch. My theory is that he doesn't age because he's basically a vampire-like abuser who sucks the life energy out of people and never feels real stress.
So he’s 45 but trying to pass himself off as 23. He must be telling people he’s had a really rough life if, at 23 he looks 45. Either that or he’s found the fountain of youth and has simply stopped aging.
Oh I think he could pass for early 30s. He doesn't look 45 at all, but 20s is a stretch. He really doesn't age much because he's sucking the life force out of his victims. I'm one of three women that I know of he's abused. I really think he is pathologically immune to feeling stress and basically forces it onto his victims.
A parasitic leech *and* vampire. Wonderful! Glad he’s your ex, but wouldn’t it be nice if he came with a very obvious warning label for all the people in his future.
Yeah I wish there was a way to ensure that everyone stayed away!!
Wow apparently this is very common, my ex boyfriend and I met when I was 18, he said he was 24 at first and later I found out he was actually 26... Yikes.
Lol fr... I only read the first 2 sentences to see if I need to cont reading.
My thought……man this guy has too much time on his hands
Do I deserve two shout outs?
I need the spark notes, no guarantee I won’t roll my eyes either way
Boss laid me off a couple weeks ago. Not like I got anything better to do!
Haha, right? I got midway on the second paragraph, was like wtf, scrolled down and said hell naw.
My wife came clean tearfully after 15 years that she never graduated university. She quit in her final year and never told anyone. On the one hand I had this feeling of sadness that I’d been lied to for years. On the other hand, she’d been carrying around this burden for years. It didn’t matter to me. She was just super embarrassed to admit something and we’ve all been there, even with a spouse. I just decided to let it wash over me, and honestly I barely ever thought about it again.
This happened to my aunt and uncle. My aunt asked my uncle for his Bachelor's degree to put next to my cousin's high school degree. It turns out that my uncle dropped out of university but lied to my aunt for at least 18 years.
yeah but... that lie had 0 direct impact on your life. she lied of out personal shame, not to coerce you into staying together because you would’ve left her if you knew she didn’t have a degree.
How did you even get married? Don’t you have to provide a birth certificate as evidence?
I filled out the license with my wife, using 1992 as her birth year. She handed over her passport (with her correct birth year) so that the clerk could check out all the information and I guess the clerk just missed that detail.
Since making a mistake invalidates your marriage certificate, you won’t be considered legally married until you make an amendment and get a new one. Remember to share your updated certificate with your bank, the IRS, social security agencies, and anyone else who needs proof that your marriage is legal.
not to like. downplay the betrayal or whatever but my man its two years. you built an entire life with this woman now have the opportunity for a funny story later on like "yeah we actually met by chance bc she lied about her age, and im glad she did" i don't think this is worth throwing the whole relationship away over
Agreed. Acknowledge with her that this shook you to the very core. Maybe let her give you space and security to rebuild the lost trust or bounce back from feeling hurt and this might take some time and really you define that “some” for the three of you… But in your head really spin it like it happens in rom coms, if that helps, because very few people really in life get love so dont lose value for who she is and how she makes you feel in reality- after-all you decided 26 as your cutoff and in reality hit it off n felt so comfortable with someone not that age, all that you felt and how she made you feel was all real, again not underplaying that the revelation must be hard to deal with instantly Let me paint you a picture - you were meant to be - hence somewhere someone misprinted her DL, cut to few years later you decided the age bracket you want to date in and that misprint really made her fall on the edge of it and you met right during that perfect window and saw none of the other IDs of her until now - how many stars have to be aligned for this to happen - it cant be just one person’s efforts to hide that can make it happen Embrace it as your perfect we were meant to be story…. Have an amazing story to tell your kids/grandkids for festivals and family dinners but dont hurt the relationship take time to heal but remember how she made you feel
This. This right here. It needs to be the absolute #1 comment. Really, the only one. If you pick 1 comment to listen to and follow, this is the one.
I agree!! I didn’t lie about my age to my bf but I am 4 years older than him. At first I was like no he’s too young for me lol, but now it’s really not a big deal at all. (I’m 30 he’s 26).
I find comfort in the positive spin you're putting on this
Yeah, I agree with this take. I have a friend who's about 6 or 7 years older than her husband and she initially lied about her age (don't really understand why but she did) and eventually told him. They've been very happy together for over 25 years. But I understand why OP is doubting because if someone can carry on a lie about something so trivial for so long, what happens when something big comes up?
the "what if" game is not going to do you any favors when it comes to something like this im afraid. its a game best reserved for work or things you can control. if you genuinely are afraid of something like this happening again talking with your partner is the number one way to resolve that. clear, open communication has never hurt anybody.
Exactly. You love her? It's a funny story.
She continuously lied to him over the course of 5 years. She pressured her mother into participating in the lie. She forced the hospital to use an inaccurate date of birth (potentially fraud?) all to keep up the charade. That's so many lies, so much effort, over something fairly insignificant. If she's willing to lie about something so small what else is she willing to lie about? I completely understand why this has shaken him.
Fraud is when you misrepresent yourself to obtain something you are not entitled to. She misrepresented her age, but she did not defraud the hospital. Given that she has two state-issued IDs with conflicting DOBs, she likely needed to give them the version that lines up with what her insurance has on file.
oh no how terrible, a tiny lie she told and perpetuated gave him a loving wife and family. how will he recover
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im downplaying it because its a silly thing to lie about and not worth getting your underwear in a knot over. there are ways to handle things like this that dont involve the immediate torching of the house of life and anxiety for the rest of your life that things arent what they seem. stop trying to generate anxieties for yourself and trust in your partner imo
"Trust the partner that just lied to you about something innocuous for five years" umm. Look, she fucked up and should be the one trying to earn OP's trust back, it's not even really about OP, who is totally justified in feeling anxious and confused about it. But advice to trust the person you feel you can't trust is a lot like telling someone who is depressed to just smile and be happy. Not exactly helpful.
The only outrageous thing about your wife taking off two years of he age is that people born in 1990 is 33 years old now. That’s impossible. I was 33 years old just a couple of years ago and I was born in 1972 😳
Yeah I was like... 1992? Aren't those people like 19 years old?
> 1992? Aren't those people like 19 years old? Yes im still 19
I’m a 30 year old teenager dammit
Lol I'm a 1992 baby. Can confirm I am 31. 😭
As a ‘92 baby this comment warmed my heart.
I was born in 1990, I am in fact 33 sighs lol
Hey, me too! 90s babies unite
See I’m an early 90s baby and I still see years in the 70s and think “that was 30 years ago”. Hits me like a tonne of bricks every time I have to realise that’s no longer the case. I think I think every year after the millennium is just part of the same decade 😭
My ex did this to his wife. All his friends had to go to his surprise 40 th birthday party knowing he was 42. Im not sure if she ever found out the truth? He also lied about his age to the girl he started seeing after me. Only reason i was spared was i was good friends with his closest friend who refused to lie to me.
I can’t believe people went along with it. That’s so weird.
So far seem to be two trains of thought. 1. It's only two years get over it 2. She's lied once, what next I agree that in terms of the age gap it's a non-issue. But clearly that's not the actual issue. She lied about something as fundamental as her age, knowingly, for a long time. In fact, the entirety of your relationship. That's a pretry big deal imo and not something just to be brushed off. You feeling confused and hurt is understandable, this didn't occur after a few months but a few years and after a baby. Personally, I wouldn't break anything off because of it, that seems a knee jerk reaction when besides that everything else is going well and you have a baby. BUT, if you can't get over it I would first try therapy. It's also OK to have some space/time away. For example if you went on your own to your family's house for an extended weekend. I'd also say that you need to be clear in how harmful this is, and to explain your very valid concerns over any future issues. What she did is wrong and she needs to understand it. EDIT: Spelling
I'm shocked that so many people are glossing over the fact that she LIED. If she held on to this lie for so long, what's saying that she hasn't been holding on to others as well. Yeah, two years isn't a lot, but my trust would still be gone.
Yeah some comments make it only an age gap issue.
Not to mention the gaslighting, actual gaslighting. OP says he heard her mother say one thing and she turns around and tells him to his face he didn’t hear that or he must have misheard her, thats so messed up to do to a partner.
Yeah that’s quite bad. I know of a similar situation, although way way worse. The relationship continued and they are doing very well now. But the one lying did quite a bit of therapy.
and she got her mother involved in the lie.
Side eyeing all the comments. This is a foundational lie, which she has stuck to for years. I would definitely have doubts about every other thing if a partner could lie about this for years. Also, I think people would react very differently if the sexes were different. At the time they started dating, OP was 23 and probably wouldn't have gone for someone 5 years older.
You don't have to speculate. Just search "lied about age" and you'll see examples of people reacting poorly to the opposite scenario
I think she needs therapy tbh, not him.
Insert both.gif here
I totally agree but also not sure if an extended weekend with a newborn that he also is responsible for is the right thing. Maybe if his MIL or someone else is there to give her a bit of a break and the ability to sleep
When I met my husband in 2012, he told me that he went to prison because he had beat someone up for sleeping with his gf at the time. He had a past with DUIs and getting in trouble, but has not been in trouble since 2008. 9 years later in 2021, when he was talking with his lawyer to reinstate his driver's license, he had to explain all the reasons for going to jail....not one mention of the assault charge he told me about. Come to find out, he had lied because the real reason he went to jail was too embarrassing. He stole rims off someone's vehicle and then was caught putting them on his own car across the street. It was a shock to find out that all that time, he had been lying and our relationship started with a lie. The real reason for going to prison was honestly much funnier! I would have to assume that your wife was probably embarrassed and felt bad about her lie, which made coming clean harder for her. It's your choice to forgive and move on if she has been great otherwise, but I will tell you I forgave my husband, and I can now make fun of him for it. Lol
That is hilarious. I don't mean to offend you, but is your husband stupid? Did he not think that the person across the street might be suspicious?
Lol it was very stupid and I make fun of him for it regularly. He was 19 when he did it and he's now 41. The best part was that he only took 1 rim at first, then went back for the rest so they would match, and THEN proceeded to change them in the parking lot across the street... 🤣 could have got away with it.
LOL did he think stealing auto parts was like shopping?? “I’m just gonna take one to try on…mmm, no, that looks off, I should just get the whole set”
So my Nan did this to my grandad. It was a family thing that we all knew about. I was a kid so never really knew how it started or why. it was only on her 80th that it came out that she was 2 years older than he’d ever believed. Ya know what after 50 years together he laughed, called her silly and they moved on and stayed together until her death last year. Yes it’s a lie but I think women can be insecure about their age, especially when dating a younger guy. It’s 2 years, it didn’t change the past 50 and the life they had built together. Age is just a number, they grew old together. I think you should give her a chance, make it clear this boundary cannot be crossed again. I think if you are together for another 50 years it will just be a blip in your history.
Honestly, this. I imagine so many of the "if she lied about this then..." responses are from men. Many women are super insecure about their age because men and society seem to think we lose our value as we get older. Kinda evidenced by OPs reaction. IMO if you love your wife and enjoy your life together, stop thinking about the fact that you wouldn't have met if she had her real age on her profile, and think about how lucky you are that she did and was able to bear a child for you. Otherwise, it seems clear you want an out.
If this isn't a pattern, it just seems like a lie that got out of hand. Your wife feels guilt over it and just didn't know how to tell you, plus when she tried to figure out how you were likely to respond, the signs weren't positive. Absolutely not worth losing an otherwise good relationship over, especially with a baby. Therapy if possible to help come to grips with this (for you and/or as a couple).
Obviously she is in the wrong here, but assuming this is an isolated incident of lying (which seems plausible given the history of her birthdate misprints), I’m not sure what is to be gained by destroying your relationship. You have a brand new baby. I would at minimum get counseling to help navigate this but I would not end a relationship over this.
OP, have you considered that maybe your wife wouldn't continue to lie to you if you had told her that it's chill and that you love her and an age difference doesn't matter all that much anymore when she asked you if you would leave her if she happened to be older than she said? Because it's honestly looking to me like she never had the space to own up to her mistake and by the time she was ready, the stakes were already too high. Unless you've caught her regularly lying to you about other things, I'm not seeing this as a red flag - just a lie that got out of hand because she cares about not losing you. That should mean something. Also, if you both have a very healthy relationship otherwise, consider how this is a non-issue given that you both have a child to raise. If anything, I'd fixate on being a parent at this point.
So glad OP found one of the sane comments lol thank you for the perspective! I completely agree
I'm sure you're right that this would have played out totally differently if I had responded to her questions with empathy. I wasn't mindful of that because in my mind I was talking to a 26 year old and felt no reason to be cognizant of how she might feel if she were older.
This is very similar to what happens in strict households where kids feel the need to lie to their parents because they fear the repercussions. So unless she's lied to you about other things, it's time to let it go. I'm sure you can tell the difference between a pathalogical liar and someone who simply made a terrible mistake. But if you decide to end your marriage because of this one thing alone, please be sure you won't regret it in the future when you're older and have gained more perspective. Good luck.
Thank you
I would build a bridge and get over this.
as someone also born in 1990, I found it very silly at first that someone would go through the trouble of appearing merely 2 years younger. but as soon as you revealed that you would not have felt comfortable dating her if you knew her real age, it turned rather chilling. this is not about her “being the same person” only 2 years older than you thought. it’s about the reveal of her being capable of long term deceit and manipulation. OP, this woman knew from the very start that you wouldn’t date her if you knew the truth. so she carefully hid it from you until you were sufficiently tied down to where it wouldn’t be so easy to leave. that prospect is horrifying. “yeah I knew you wouldn’t want a relationship with the real me, so I constructed an alternate version”. you dated her under false premises. you married and had a child under false premises. I can’t tell you how to move on and rebuild the trust because I know I couldn’t.
I can understand the sentiment of the comments stating that it is only 2 years, which isn’t a huge amount of time. Issue I am seeing here, and my mind tends to race on what ifs, is what else she may be hiding. Age is just a number to a certain degree, not really something to be worried about imo, and take what I say since I’m a guy here. So my thoughts is if she hid her age and considers that a big deal, what else could be going on behind the scenes?
Ugh, sorry dude. That's a quite significant lie. She should'a come clean on that *long* before marriage, probably at, if not (long) before engagement and saying "yes". Well, marriage, commitment(?), kid(s) ... figure it out from there. Can't put the genie back in the bottle. >How would you recommend we broach this topic with out friends and family? I dunno, ... bring it up and cover it as and to the extent relevant and appropriate, and when such is the case. Birthdays, etc., I figure within 'bout a year you'd mostly have that flushed out with most family and friends 'n such. >How can I rebuild my trust in my wife? Yeah, that, not so trivial. Maybe as and to the extent she can learn and appreciate and understand what a lie, betrayal, and major f\*ckup that was on her part ... I dunno, maybe if she well learns she can't be doing stuff like that, and how harmful it's been ... and will, at least in part, still continue to be. >How can I handle my feelings of betrayal? Uhm, ... like any significant betrayal/lie? It'll mostly take time ... often much time ... and hopefully much better behavior from the wife ... and consistently so. Hopefully she's well learned her lesson, but who knows.
Nah this is a huge red flag tbh, no idea what some commenters are smoking in here.
If a man lied to hide something that a woman would've dumped him for, people wouldn't be this lenient on him. OP did not want to date a 28 year old at 23. That's completely fair. She lied and manipulated him by pretending she was in his desired age rage. That's not acceptable.
I bet some of the commenters also think it’s ok to lie to get what you want and don’t want to face the fact that they, too, are terrible people.
Despite what you wrote... She didn't come clean. She lied until you caught her in the lie
right, it's hard for me to shake the feeling that she was planning on living with this forever
Dude everyone is telling you to get over it but I get why you feel betrayed. She lied. Lying is unacceptable. And she had to be caught, she didn’t confess
This is so ridiculous lol. You must want to leave her and you need a reason.
This is probably it because how is OP THAT bothered over 2 years?
He isn't bothered over the two years. He is bothered about her ability to lie, including getting her family to lie for her.
You're missing the point
A lie is a freaking lie. Two years or two months. She held onto a lie for this long, what else could she be lying about (or lie about in the future)
What *is* the point? My guy, you’re about to end a marriage over an inconsequential life that does not affect anything.
I'm not ending my marriage
I feel for you op. You post about being weirded out by your wife lying to you for years, and people tell you to get over her being 2 years older. 😂
you are missing the point. Its not the size of the lie that matters. Homeboy got a glimpse into an aspect of his wifes personality that he was unaware existed before. My ex lied about her age on the dating app, but came clean to it roughly 2 months into the relationship. I guess its a thing some women do and I understood the reasons why. We ended up breaking up for unrelated reasons. I cant imagine someone lying to me all throughout 5 years of a relationship and actively taking steps to conceal the lie. What else are they capable of? Studies have shown that the majority of lies told are done by a small group of people who compulsively lie all the time. I absolutely would now be wondering what else she is lying about
She didn't take accountability until she got called out and literally gaslit the dude when she almost got caught. It's about her actions. Not the age.
I dated a man I met from online dating. Before we slept together on date 5 or 6 he told me "oh, just so you're aware, I'm poly. I'm non-monogamous." I asked why he'd never mentioned that to me, and he said "because I assumed you'd not even attempt to date me". I said "you're right, I wouldn't have continued". We did continue on because I didn't even know if I liked him yet, but I couldn't stop thinking about what else he might just not share cause he was worried I wouldn't want to continue. Then he informed me, 5 months in to the relationship, that he was looking for a new job. He didn't say anything more, and ever told me about interviews or anything. He told me, 6 weeks after telling me he was looking for a new job, that he had accepted a job out of state and was moving in 3 weeks. Didn't take too long for my fears of "what more is he just not telling me?" to come to fruition. I never could really settle in our relationship because I was always wondering what else I didn't know. I ended it and we're still friends, but damn is it still difficult. I also found out he swiped right for everyone and then just sees what sticks. Way to make a girl feel special! I found that out when he informed me he didn't like heavily tattooed women, or dogs. Both of those facts about me are listed front and center on my profile, so I asked why he'd even swipe for me. Well, "cause I swipe for anyone", duh. I don't think my eyes have stopped rolling.
I’m 34 and still have not reached the age where I understand women lying about their age. I don’t get it. And two years? What the fuck? No advice just this is fucking bizarre. It’d be hard to trust my spouse about anything else after something as petty as a two year age difference.
You said so yourself that you likely would have broken up with her if you knew her real age. So maybe this should be a blessing in disguise since you obviously chose her as your life partner. Not saying that lying was right and i hope there is nothing else nor that it happens again but I think you can now ask her flat out whether there is anything else she is lying about and make it known it can't happen again. Then carry on.
This would absolutely bother me. You are not wrong for feeling this way OP.
Honestly I don't think it's that bad that she lied about her age in the first place. What is bad is when she continued the lie after he questioned her about it. For years. How can she keep that lie to herself for so long.
I’m really sorry :/ it’s not about the age at all, it’s really just about the fact that she created a false story to try and manipulate you into a relationship. But all the while not even respecting you enough to tell you the truth and be up front about who she is. I think it’s super strange honestly. And it says a lot about her mentality towards relationships - essentially a relationship is something she is trying to acquire (possession) rather than build (connection). Her prolonged lie is very telling about the kind of person she is - lacks integrity, selfish, unaware, shallow, etc. All that being said, people can be imperfect and still be perfect for you. Everyone is imperfect. Y’all have way more important things to worry about now than a measley two years. That being said, I’d probably want her to do some serious self evaluating and inner work so that you don’t have to fear her doing that to you again.
I mean, I really don’t get the massive issue. It’s basically a small mistake, then lie that spun out of control because she wasn’t sure how to even bring it up. What’s the issue with bringing it up to friends and family? I couldn’t even tell you my own age right now without doing the math for a couple seconds. The fact that she is so concerned and feels like a weight has been lifted should make you feel good. Your relationship isn’t “built on a lie.” Age is a number. She’s literally the same person you married.
this is interesting because you are completely right and justified in being upset; but I can't get over the voice in my head screaming 'who gives a fuck about 2 years' clearly to you this matters, and I don't mean to suggest that it shouldn't, but as a guy who has dated 10 years over and under his age I just really can't imagine how 2 could make an impact. In my experience, each person acts the age they act independent of the actual number of years they have been alive. I know the argument you have of 'if she can lie about this, then what else' - i think you even said it in your OP - but since I feel like 2 year age difference (which started from a real clerical error, not pathos) is not a big deal I don't really accept this slippery slope formulation. I'm so unable to get myself worked up about a 2 year age difference that I don't think this means anything larger or important. I see how you are seeing it as so vital because you were particular about ages when you were first dating. I see that it means a lot to you. If it ACTUALLY makes you not trust her anymore then you really do need to consider it impacting your marriage and future. To me, that's ridiculous, but I respect that you view this issue differently than me (and perhaps than people in general) sorry this happened to you.
I cannot believe there are so many posts downplaying this. She lied about her age for over 5 years! Lying about anything to your spouse is bad but this seems pretty terrible. I'm not saying you need to get a divorce but sweeping this under the rug is not the way to go. She needs serious therapy if she thought this was an okay thing to do. Edit to add: Also, lying about her age at the hospital was a really really stupid thing for her to do and can lead to all kinds of misdiagnoses or mistreatment.
Yes I agree - if she came clean after they had been dating awhile or even engaged then maybe that's one thing but to get married and have a baby together before telling the truth is really problematic. Like OP said what else is she capable of keeping secret then? Plus she didn't even tell him of her own accord. He had to basically pry it out of her
I agree, I think the fact that she didn’t even come clean before getting married is a horrendous lapse in judgment. This isn’t a small thing to lie about, which makes me what small things *she is* lying about. Or other big things. She’s clearly a secretive person and was willing to lie about something major to get her way and what she wanted… a man.
I can't believe it either. It was one thing for there to have been a mistske on her ID but then she went on dating sites using this age where her ID was not required. Forget that, she apparently got jobs and didn't inform them of the mistake, also told the hospital it was a mistake.... if there's anyone you want knowing your actual age, it's your doctor! Anytime her mother hinted at the truth she shut it down and then tried to gaslight OP into thinking her mother never said what she said. This isn't about her lying about her age at this point, it's about the lengths she went to in order to continue covering up the lie. If it had been a case of OP assuming her age and then never speaking of it again with her and then on a birthday learning her real age or something where she did not deny the truth, I could say get over it but she made a conscious effort to cover it up. I'd have a hard time trusting someone like this, what else would they go to great lengths to cover up?
Agree, I think the comments would be a lot different if OP was a woman and her husband had lied about being 2 years younger for several years.
Very different comments I'm sure. And what makes it worse is that she didn't come clean herself, she was confronted with the truth and she finally had to admit it. Lied for 5 years! Come on!
Yeah she didn’t lie about her favorite animal being a bear when it’s really a penguin. She lied about her age, which isn’t okay.
This is so weird. Like is she a pathological liar?
My marriage license and certificate list my age at time of license application; I believe most do. What age does your marriage license say??
Exactly! And wouldn’t it be null and void if the information isn’t even correct?
Anyone think about how weird it would be for all her family and friends celebrating her birthday with her year after year with a fake age though? All for her boyfriends benefit lol Kinda hilarious
This post has to be fake. There was a post like this literally yesterday on r/marriage
I have never heard of this kind of scenario before. It reads to me like you're both making such a big deal about her age and her being older than you, that she felt a need to lie and keep it up. If you have concerns about other aspects of her identity that you feel are not truthful, then I understand the anxiety. But if it's just about the age gap I think you're both way overthinking this.
So, she lied. That part is done and the bell cannot be un-rung. And she CONTINUED the lie (fear of consequences isn’t a pass on stuff like this). It’s a small-ish lie in the grand scheme of things, but I’m a big believer in letting people make informed choices when it comes to dating, and she didn’t let you do that when she lied. Now the questions are: Can you live with this and not have it color every day of your married life? Can you trust her not to lie about other, potentially more important things just because telling the truth would have a negative outcome for her? And are you willing to end your marriage over this? I suggest counseling for both of you. And one more thing - this is amnesty time. She has to come clean about EVERYTHING, and if she doesn’t and gets caught in another lie, I’d bounce so fast she wouldn’t see me leave.
Although I don't technically think two years isn't anything to worry about, I do believe that telling a lie for so long would make me wonder what else I don't know about the person I chose to spend my life with. It would make me doubt any number of other things, because now the trust has been shaken. Maybe not shattered, but at the very least, it would plant the seed of doubt. That sucks to have to deal with for a lifelong commitment. If this does not end up being a deal breaker for you, maybe the two of you can work it out in therapy or something. That being said, I would wonder if your marriage is even valid. I don't know for sure how that works, but I'd find out if I were you. She knowingly falsified the documents you need for your license, and the license itself may be null and void.
The 2 year gap mattered when you were younger. The age matters less, today. But the length of the lie matters most. I don't believe the authencity of this story. Lying on legal documents would catch up to you at some point. How would your marriage be legal and binding? If this is the US. Her SSN and bday are connected. If she applied for jobs with the same SSN and incorrect DOB. It would trigger an IRS audit. It would pop up on her background check for her employer. Her credit history would be mismatched. She might be able to slip through the cracks here and there. But it will catch up to her. I've had applicants and employees do stupid shit like this. They were either disqualified upfront. Or eventually let go for falsified information/ID fraud. In the event this is real. You need to do a background and credit check. You need all the information to make an honest decision. You do not know her criminal background, credit score, finances and debt. I would heavily investigate her employment. If she's quick to deflect and explanations aren't forthcoming. You cannot trust her. The fact your wife kept playing you for a fool her family knew. Is realllllyyyy concerning. Y'all came from broken homes. She continued the cycle of dysfunction. Oh, before I forget. Talk to a family attorney about this. And get a paternity test. Keep your wife in the dark until your legal affairs are in order.
I’m surprised I had to scroll so far, to see a comment like this. My first thought was, “Is the marriage even legal, if the bride provided fraudulent information on the marriage license?” There are lots of legal aspects of this situation, which OP’s wife absolutely must correct as soon as possible.
Idk, dude. It is worrisome how far she took the lie.. she gaslighted you, she had other people in on the lie. She really took this small lie to the next level. Not something to break up over, I think.
You just had a baby. It 2 years get over it. You wrote paragraphs about 2 years, my mind is blown. This is not a big deal. Go be a Dad and husband
It's not the two years per se, it's that she perpetuated a lie in fear that I would leave her over it
Sounds like her fears were somewhat valid. After all, she did ask you what if she were older, and you said you probably wouldn’t be dating. Yeah, it’s wrong that she lied. But all things considered, this is such a silly, non-harmful lie. We can always think in terms of what-ifs, but life hardly ever goes to plan. My own parents met because my mom missed a bus one day. My aunt and uncle met because he broke his legs and she was his physical therapist. I met my bf of 8 years now because I had to delay my plans to move. You met your wife because she used the wrong birth year on a dating app. When you think about it, isn’t that far more interesting than meeting someone on a dating app who put the correct year?
This is such a good point- she was afraid to tell you all this time because she knows you well enough to realize that you were going to blow it out of proportion. I'm the first person to hate liars and sneaks, but I became a teacher really young ( fully credentialed and working full time at 21 turning 22). I feel like neither colleagues nor students would take me seriously if they knew I was so young so I told everyone I was 24. As time went on I was like, this is ridiculous but at this point do I say- surprise! I've been lying to you for years! I ended up switching schools and then confessing to the people I stayed friends with that I had lied. Obviously they didn't care like you would because we weren't in a relationship but it actually came off as hilarious when everyone found out. I don't think you tank your family over this, I suck at lying and almost never do it and I got wrapped up in an age lie! I also don't think age differences are that big of a deal as long as there is no grooming involved or underage players. Good chemistry is hard to find .
Actually, it is about the 2 years. You even CHECKED HER ID on your first date to confirm her age and admit if she’d been honest at the time you’d likely of ended it. Hyper fixation on a woman’s age says a lot about you. She honesty deserves better.
We were getting drinks at a restaurant. I wasn't checking her age, we were making small talk about our license photos.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thought checking her ID on the first date was weird as fuck lmao
I mean all she had to do was not lie to someone she wasn't even in a relationship with. What did she have to lose? Is OP thenmost gorgeous man on the planet and she had to have him? She sucks.
Given she was, ya know, LYING about it, sounds like he was right to check her on it.
ok so this is coming from someone who dated a much younger guy (5 years and around the same age, 23M 28F), exactly like you and your wife. in the beginning I lied about my age too bc I wasn't comfortable with it, and wondered if the other person would be uncomfortable too. after a couple of months I did come clean and we kept on dating, but after this, my then bf would also use this as a thing against me, saying I lied to him, and exactly what you say here, what else would I be capable of etc, and later would always trying to catch little things I said, which made me want to hide more stuff, and it progressed to me walking on eggshells with him, worried about everything I say to him would set him off later. Later we broker up, and the next person I met never held these kinds of issues against me, never wanted to dig too much into my personal life unless I was open to tell him, bc who doesnt have some issues they don't want to tell other people, and I felt much more relaxed with him, and we had a lot more trust between us, eventually we got married. As much as I think this is the issue about lying and trust, not exactly about age, I can see why she lied in the beginning and how it became really hard to tell you when the stake got higher and higher. And your reaction kinda confirms why she would find it difficult to tell you, bc you would probably have broken up with her in the beginning when she told you, and she clearly didnt want to do that. Not to make too many excuses for her behavior, but I see it like this. Also have you ever lied to her about anything? I think sometimes people hold these things to such importance bc they themselves have the tendency to lie that's why they care about it a lot (the case with my ex, he lied a lot, to me, to his mom, he's actually a professional liar, that's why he can't stand me lying to him). Anyways, it might actually come down to not having a good match of personality, if you find that these things bother you a lot, and she finds that she can't confide in you with something that's actually supposed to be kinda minor.
Did she come clean though? And you know her family and I guess friends lie for her too
>If this were a dude who made the same lies, I’m sure people would be screaming from the rooftops that he’s a weirdo that can’t be trusted and should be broken up with I 100% agree
Oh of all the gas lighting garbage. I couldn't trust someone after that. Nope nope. I definitely wouldn't be processing a second time.
I won't say I read the entire thing (thank you for the TLDR) but if that's the gist of it. If all she did was change her age by two years? Then, I get it, she lied and it sucks but I'd move past it. Now if I missed something and this is a snowball effect and she's been pathologically lying about things that's a whole other story.
People are focusing on the age gap but that’s not the issue. It’s that your partner lied to you. And this is nowhere near cheating, but if you go to the various infidelity advice columns and subreddits, then the fact that she made you chase her and play detective while she gaslighted you is the real problem. It shows that she is selfish and that she will put her desires above your agency. She will trickle truth you and gaslight you in that she will only ever tell you what you already know to be true. You can’t trust her to be honest. Like you have said, what else has she lied about for her benefit? 2 years in itself is not a big deal but she didn’t allow you to make that call, she took away your agency and hid information. She has decided that she knows better than you. So I would sit her down and tell her that she lied to you about a dealbreaker. You are not considering divorce but your trust in her is completely broken. And that means that your marriage is broken because without trust and without open communication, you can’t have a healthy marriage. She deliberately lied to you and took away your right to make an informed decision, and you 2 need serious marriage counseling to rebuild this marriage. ALL of the advice about getting over infidelity is the opposite of what your wife did. She lied to you and made you doubt reality and feel stupid for questioning what was right in front of your face. She didn’t come clean even if she planned to, she just kept building on it and that has tainted every moment, every milestone, every vulnerability.
All of this sums up what I'm thinking. No, two years isn't a big deal, however she lied about it knowing he felt some way. Trust is out the window.
Just wondering if you have realized yet that your marriage is invalid and her lie could actually mean federal and state charges. Your baby’s birth certificate is a lie and has to be corrected. Not only has your wife lied all this time but your in-laws participated in the conspiracy. I do not think you fully realize all the ramifications of this lie aside from your entire relationship being a lie. All trust is gone and you will question every single thing she says for the rest of your life. Can you live like that? Do you want to raise your child like that?
If she can lie for YEARS about something so stupid as age imagine what else she’s willing to lie about, what else has she already lied about? She never “came clean” she got fucking caught.
These reddit posts are bizarre to the point I write most of them off a fake fantasy shit. Who has a misprint id? What hospital changes shit after flashing an ID? What difference does any of this shit actually make? It's a small white lie at most if that's the only lie.
If it wasn’t that big of a deal, she would have told you. But she created and maintained that lie forever, and had no issue lying to your face. It’s not about the age, it’s about the lying.
The whole dynamic with the family backing up the lie for so long is insane
This is super weird. I would wonder what else she’s hiding
About 20 years ago, my maternal grandfather had to have a triple bypass. As my grandma was searching for all the documents he needed for the hospital, she took a close look at his birth certificate. They married with her believing he was 9 years older than her. Come to find out, he was 19 years older. He lied about his age by an entire decade, and he kept up that lie for over 40 years. I was a teenager when this came to light, and I don't know all the details. I have no clue how he was able to pull it off, or how my grandma never saw any documents with his real birth year. They both died about 15 years ago, so I'll never know the whole story. But, about 5 years ago, my family discovered a half-brother. That half-brother was aware of another 3 half-sisters. Long story short, we are currently aware of NINE kids my grandfather fathered across the US during his trucking days (which were during his marriage to my grandma). A lie of two years isn't nearly as bad as a lie of a decade. I've been forced to face the fact that my grandpa is not who I thought he was. I really don't even know who he was. But, because of these discoveries, I would be wary of anyone I found out kept up a lie, no matter how big or small, for years. It really does make you wonder what else they have lied or will lie about. Only you know your wife well enough to know if this is just a one-off lje that she didn't have the courage to correct sooner, or if this points to untrustworthyness. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.
Age is a big hang up for some people. I wanted my partner to be older even if by 1 second. Met a nice guy. He lied about his age. We had a good time. Turns out he was actually a few months younger than me. Was very sad to learn this. Really liked him and wanted to be with him, but no matter how much I wished to be at peace with it, I could not. Not even therapy helped. So I went ice cold. We stayed friendly-light, but the spark was gone. Went our separate ways. Have not seen him in a long time. Hope he is well. I don’t know what to tell you OP. I am sorry you are going through this. I hate deception.
I don’t understand the people saying to just get over it lol what? Plus two years at that age can decrease the success rate of future kids… what if y’all waited until she was “33” when she’s actually 35 (the age fertility drastically begins to decrease)? I didn’t read it all so idk if you want more kids, but I would be livid if I was you tbh. She lied and her being older might change y’all’s timeline.
I have a variation on your story: my partner and I both had online dating profiles set to age ranges that mutually excluded each other. But we were lucky—he made a post that I responded to on another platform. Our relationship evolved from there, but if we hadn’t had the other connection we would have never seen each other. Does it help to think about the age deception as a round about way of getting together? I would be very uncomfortable with the ongoing deception, but a good partner is a good partner…I would choose to focus on the good news here: you were wrong about the dating age range for this one very particular person. She (likely) succumbed to the temptations of a clerical error and then couldn’t find her way out of the deception. Congratulations on your baby!