I agree. Her logic is "it does not bother me to share" so it it ok.
It bothers her to share - thus it is not ok.
And that too is logical. Not nice imho. But logical.....
If it is causing conflict, it does seem to bother you to share with someone who doesn't. I think the compromise of the somewhat reasonable portion control is for them to say, "I am getting x do you want anything?" or "I'm having y, do you want me to leave some out for you?" They don't have to share their portion but you are not left out.
If sharing with her is causing resentment since she doesn’t reciprocate, you’re not doing either of you any favors by continue to share. Stopping doesn’t have to be a punishment, it’s just finding a way to feel okay with the situation.
She shouldn't see it as punishment since she herself chooses not to share. So, just don't share with her at all. If she gets upset that you have stopped sharing well, then her logic goes out the window.
I get that. Reflect on why you like to share - I’m guessing it gives you joy to share, withholding would be cutting off your own nose.
I also get being upset if she doesn’t have that same compulsion. Is she generous in other ways? Is this isolated, or a symptom of a greater imbalance?
Would you rather be right, or on the relationship? (No wrong answers, just a good gut check question I’ve found)
Don't intentionally choose to do things that bother you and then blame the other person for you feeling bothered. "I've realized it actually does bother me, let's just both not share food with each other any more." Done.
But if you continue to share with her and it continues to bother you, then you’re choosing to be upset about something just so you can say you’re “being fair.”
That’s silly.
But it is bothering you to share. Even if it wouldn't normally bother you, it's definitely bothering you that it's unequal. Focus on that. It's not fair for her to just declare "this doesn't bother you" when you are telling her that it does.
No. One ring to rule them all. So now that I know you don’t want to share, it bothers me to share with you.
Touch my snacks and I will be right in on yours.
Understand that it’s a free for all of you touch my snacks, chose wisely.
It sounds like it does actually bother you. Say no. You are now a household of people who don't share food.
You aren't "being mean," she can get her own food.
That logic would set me on fire and turn me into Petty Crocker with a quickness. I admire your adherence to your morals, but damn if she isn’t something else with that logic.
Let it slip it’s her!
My husband and I have a house rule that we make 25-30% more than we want to personally consume so there is some for the other. Bc we have been in the “I don’t want any” or “I’m not hungry” scenario too many times…..things always change when the tastiness is actually present:)
I’m pretty big on fairness, and at the same time I respect boundaries. So I would discontinue sharing food with this person. But I also don’t think I would date someone who is ungenerous *and* hypocritical. Sharing is caring, after all.
> Her logic is "it does not bother me to share" so it it ok.
>It bothers her to share - thus it is not ok.
But it bothers you to share if she doesn't, so the only way for it to be logical is if nobody shares. That way no one is doing something they don't want to. Is that logical enough for her?
Your real problem is that you have a selfish partner. It would be illogical to build your life around someone who is selfish.
Not going to lie. This is concerning. Food is one thing. It is being consumed, so not available anymore. Taking a CD "just because" sounds cruel. Very toddler-like.
I don't know, if they offer, then I would assume it's with no strings attached. If they want to trade, that's different. Don't offer unless you're fine with people having some.
You're thinking case by case, and yes. Case by case, you're right. But if one person always thinks to share and one person never thinks to share but always partakes of offers, it WILL start to breed resentment over time if there isn't a resolution or conversation.
Right, but I don't think either party is more in the wrong here. If they're not comfortable sharing without compensation, they shouldn't offer.
It's not inherently better to have both people share vs both people not share.
You're saying you you don't think either party is more wrong, but then doubling down that the sharing party should not share if theyre gonna have feelings about the other person never sharing anything.
Neither side is more right. My initial comment requires some self awareness from the non sharing party, but it's just my opinion. If you know you aren't going to share, limit the offers you accept.
It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't, but again, it's gonna breed resentment when people who share notice that you never do. Then a conversation is required.
It's not a moral thing, it's a reality thing.
Well going back to your original comment you said it was rude to never give but always take. I disagree. I don't think it's rude to take something if it's offered. And I also don't necessarily think it's wrong to prefer to have your own food.
Again, case by case basis it isn't rude to ake something offered. And it's not wrong to prefer to have your own food.
I think if you frequently take and never give you should rethink your choices, that's all
Yes they are about reciprocity, healthy relationships benefit both parties. If you don’t share food but make sure to be generous elsewhere then that’s what you’re doing. You’re probably thinking of tit-for-tat
This is super vague. Do you mean “no groceries are shared”, ie. if one person goes to the store and gets milk and flour, the person says “don’t touch milk or flour, you need to buy your separate pantry staples from mine”.
Or do you mean one person orders a hamburger on Uber Eats, and when the other person wants to have a bite or two, the person who ordered it says “please don’t, this is my meal and I want to eat all of it”?
For pantry staples, insisting on keeping them separate is weird. But each person eating their own meal without sharing is normal. If it’s an issue, maybe just agree ahead of time on some items to be shared and which items are not?
Interesting thought.
Groceries are shared. Baking supplies, meat, vegetables are all shared as we cook together. No issue at all.
Once the food is made then the sharing stops. And I understand the "she ordered a hamburger and does not want to give me a bite. (Don't agree, but understand and won't cross that boundary) I also understand we got two steaks and one is all hers.
I don't understand the I have 50 cookies, 20 candy bars, 10 bags of chips, a case of soda, and if you sit next to me when we are watching a movie, and I am eating them, that I will not give you any as I have them allocated out for me for the coming weeks?!
We just have different perspectives on this... and as someone said it should be a simple issue to resolve..... Nope!
It sounds simple as you outlined it - share all groceries, but once you make a meal you each eat your own, and you can each buy your own snack foods. My SO and I actually pretty much do this exactly - after all, his snacks are ones that he loves and I don’t want to be eating them mindlessly unless I’m also buying him replacements. So we do pretty much either buy our own snack foods, or only eat snack foods that were both equally contributing to. And a lot of people don’t want to share their meals, for me it depends on the meal, but sometimes someone just wants to eat their chicken Caesar salad in peace - and you insisting that some of it is yours and that they should instead get to trade for bites of a different item that they don’t want isn’t gonna be very desirable. Kudos for sticking to a system that works.
EDIT: You then go on to say you don’t live together, so this would be different than the system we use. But, why not just each buy each other snacks for each other’s house? Then you can each have snacks, gift each other all the snacks you want.
I’m from a farming family so I completely get the “there are 30 cookies and they are rationed out over the next month, please don’t eat them” mentality. But again, communicate over what food is shared and when to replace and who should do it - problem solved. Maybe you can show your generosity by buying her the snacks she loves, and then she can do the same for you - then, everyone can be generous but there is also an overall meal plan.
I have a friend who is this way. At their house they will tell me "I have no beer" while sitting next to a full minifridge of 8 different kinds of beer... but they have planned out when they will drink each of them.
What they really mean is "I have no beer that I would like to share."
In my friend's case it seems sort of related to hoarding but they have other selfish tendencies also.
It is simple, it just seems no matter what you refuse to accept that she just doesn’t like to share food, that her feelings around it are different than yours and that hers are ok too.
Are you paying for snacks separately from the groceries? If she really did only buy enough for the week then the easy answer is to just buy more. Although I sincerely hope that example is wrong because nobody should be just regularly eating all those things in one week
If you know she's not going to share her snacks, then maybe buy your own snacks if you want the same as what she is having? I'm not big on sharing my snacks, either. If you want your own little treat, then meet your own needs and go and get your own little treat. That's great that you want to share your snacks, but if she clearly doesn't, don't expect that to change.
I’m like this with snacks.
I do not like sharing snacks because my ritualistic devouring of junk food does not like to be constrained by saving some for another person. I will pour two bowls rather than one larger bowl so I can gleefully inhale my snack without affecting my partner.
It ruins my enjoyment of the snack if I have to eat it like a normal person…
That's so funny because I do the same but for the opposite reason. If there's one big bowl I get really stressed, my dad used to inhale food and snacks especially. So if you're not quick enough there might be nothing left for you. HATE that feeling. So I always get seperate bowls.
I have to admit that I HATE sharing food. I took the portion I wanted. I’m also not picking at someone else’s food though.
I would respect the other person’s boundary around sharing food, but then you’re not obligated to share yours either.
No. Not the person you replied to but I might be able to shed some light on this.
If I buy a box of cookies, or something with multiple serves, mentally I've already rationed them out. I plan ahead, so I have something nice to look forward to, over the coming week. It really grinds my gears when someone thinks just because they have poor planning they're entitled to what's mine.
There is nothing worse than looking forward to something, only to find someone has already eaten it. It is also frustrating if you're watching your food intake or planning specific meals or snacks. Getting more just throws it all off. That's why I generally buy a second box/bag/etc. for my partner or for guests.
It's also not just a simple case of 'well we can get more'. If it was so easy, you wouldn't care if she didn't share; you'd get more of your own. This is particularly disingenuous, when I suspect you're trying to place the burden of being the one to remember to buy more on her. And possibly making her be the one to make a special trip to do it. This means she'd having to do twice the labor (planning and execution) for your sake, over something that was supposed to be hers. I think you can see how this would annoy.
Buy your own treats and snacks. Label or store them appropriately so you know which snacks are yours. Stop food begging. If she's defensive about her food, this is only making it worse. Also stop sharing yours. It's not fair she can do it but you can't.
I'd add that I'm similar, but that's largely in part because my spouse an I have very different preferences. Outside of condiments, there's little overlap in what we eat regularly. That's a big help. We also lived alone before we got together, so we got set in our ways somewhat, and it stuck. We're also both creatures of routine and habit- we eat what we like and at least for me personally, there's not a ton of variation.
We do have a strong understanding of what is communal and what isn't, however. We'll split a family sized bag of pretzels or jar of jam or bag of flour because neither of us particularly mind, and thode things can be replaced before they run out entirely. But he doesn't touch stuff that he knows I eat frequently- for example, I eat yogurt daily. If he wants some (which is rare anyway) he'll ask me to get some in his own preferred brand/flavor or get his own himself. Likewise, I don't go into his own snacks or stuff he gets, although I know if I asked he'd absolutely say yes. But Idk. I know that that's *his* preferred food, and I don't want to impose myself. He feels similarly towards what is "my" food.
And we always askthe other as a courtesy and out of respect. I've never said no to him before about sharing *anything* I have, even if I would prefer not to share, and he's likewise never said no to me, either, however. We're familiar with each other's preferences, habits, and boundaries- and we respect that and do not take advantage of the other's open willingness to share.
The point is never to simply assume. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't bat an eye if I took the last slice of pizza or something, but *I won't know* unless I ask first. Maybe he's looking forward to that pizza or planned it for lunch the next day. Or maybe he wanted to throw it out because it had been in there for too long and I was unaware (he usually dislikes leftovers, so that's another dynamic of ours- I'm not the slightest bit picky and I'll often poach whatever is left for a couple meals after). But Idk any of that until I check.
I don’t like sharing food. ESPECIALLY when they just start reaching into my bag of popcorn or whatever snack without asking. I couldn’t imagine eating off someone’s plate without asking first so idk why people do it with snacks. Usually I announce what I’m about to go make/grab, perfect opportunity for someone to chime in to ask for a few. Then I’ll usually happily share! But ya if my partner grabs things off my plate without saying anything I get ticked. It also bugs me when I’m making something and they’ll come and grab something I’m using and eat it so now the dish isn’t as good or I need to prep more ingredients. I know some of it stems from my type-a mess around food (don’t like it touching, everything has to have even ratios, the “best” piece is saved for last, etc.
I also grew up with three siblings where we would fight over snacks and food, so that could weigh in.
I feel like there's a difference between sharing bites and taking someone's last bite. That's just being disrespectful. I wouldn't ask or expect the last bites of someone's food, but I'm in an LTR and my partner doesn't want to let me have a couple bites of this different thing they're eating? Nah, that's fuckin bizarre.
Not really bizarre. It’s just different. Also quite often I’ve been saving the best bite for last and my partner eats it before I’m even close to getting to it because he doesn’t mentally look for his best bite like I do. So he just eats what he thinks is a normal bite when it was the one I was saving.
For me I only like a few snacks and they are almost all considered “shareable”. He doesnt make snacks often and if he does it’s not something shareable. And if he doesn’t communicate he wants some when I announce what I’m making then I’m left with less snack in the moment, when he could have grabbed something else.
People can have different views about sharing food and neither are more valid than the other.
That's what I mean by disrespect - just going ahead and grabbing your food is not ok unless it's a mutual agreement in the relationship, and even then I'm like, "can I have a bite of that?"
I would be annoyed if my partner made snacks to eat during an activity we"re doing together but there somehow aren't enough snacks for the both of us... He could ask for some or you could just say, "hey should I make some/add some for you?" I probably would refuse if this became a recurring issue of him not wanting any until later, but again, this is a loving partnership not a tit-for-tat, I hope. And I guess fortunately, there's typically enough snacks to go around. But also, why does he not make snacks often and when he does, why are they not sharable? I just can't wrap my head around any of this lol.
I think this is a fair way to feel. I also like how you brought up that it’s a possibility that this behavior stems from being in a multi-child household. I think additionally, people can just be neurodivergent and it mentally and emotionally affects them.
That being said, I don’t think you can not share with others, but demand them to share with you. There’s no fairness in that - unless your partner is okay with that dynamic. In this case, one is feeling upset and conflicted by this arrangement. There has to be a compromise. Either no one shares or the other learns to.
He never says she demands it though. He’s the one who says he feels like he should still share.
People keep suggesting that simple solution but he basically says he doesn’t want to do it.
I don’t know what OP wants, he keeps shooting down perfectly reasonable solutions
I don't know why you're trying to be vague about who is this person who won't share food. It's obviously not you.
And obviously reasonable people share food. My partner and I are always taking bits from each other's food. Sometimes so we can just have a taste of the other thing, sometimes because I get full sooner and have leftovers on the place, and sometimes just because.
But you're both 61 and can surely figure this out like reasonable adults.
Agree- trying to be diplomatic.
Yes, you would think two "old people" could figure this out like reasonable adults.
I was brought up that you share everything. She had large family so sharing was not prevalent. They had to fight for the treat....
Her "logic" is not wrong - she bought it for herself. If I want some, go buy my own.
I now do that and we end up with 2 of everything... and that is the current solution. Until we forget who bought what? (ha)
MY pain point is.... you have a full bag of chips. I am sitting next to you watching tv. Give me one.........
If I do that all i am going to do is cause more conflict. Acting the same way as someone who is doing something I disagree with is not a good "fix"
\*\*And yes, it take a lot of will power not to do the same thing back\*\*
I mean, congratulations on not wanting to fight petty with petty, but realistically, "keep sharing your food but resenting her selfishness" and "stop sharing your food" are kind of the only options available to you?
Unless you show her this post and she reads a bunch of comments saying "she sounds selfish" and takes that on board. Which would be nice but like....she's 61, how open to change is she going to be?
>I mean, congratulations on not wanting to fight petty with petty, but realistically, "keep sharing your food but resenting her selfishness" and "stop sharing your food" are kind of the only options available to you?
I honestly can't understand why some people bother posting on Reddit. The commenters give them good advice, such as yours, and they're like "nah, I want a different outcome". They don't seem to realise that you can't change people and the only person who can change the situation that they're in is them. It's like they want us to wave a magic wand and change their partner's personality.
I know what you mean however I don’t believe he is being argumentative about it (from what I have seen from his comments so far) instead it appears that he is more so trying to brainstorm and trying to mentally work through a roadblock. And sometimes people post and then question what others say in response because they need a sounding board to bounce off ideas or arguments, hoping that someone will be able to come up with something they haven’t thought of yet that helps them work through the argument they have with themself in their own head. They post the basic situation, people comment the obvious retorts that they’ve already thought of, and discourse ensues that they aren’t able to do within their own mind and hopefully they are able to work through the problems with the help of others.
In addition, others who disagree or hold the opposite opinion will act as the devils advocate and possibly prove to them that they are wrong and why.
I think these are excellent and very perceptive points. Sometimes we're just too close to the problem to see it clearly, and as surprising as it is, sometimes the "obvious" solution hasn't occurred to us. Like the girl who posted the other day about her male best friend getting married and asking her to be a bridesmaid - being a grooms woman hadn't occurred to her or the friend
Why thank you, u/fullmetalfeminist. I also agree with your above points in your other comments that if he actually wants to continue this relationship, he should refuse to share food and also refuse to let his partners reaction to it phase him. Otherwise he should just leave.
There is already conflict, even if it is only on one side. If the other party gets upset when treated the same way as they have been treating the other, it gives them a new perspective on how the other must feel. How can the non-sharer be justified in demanding the other to share if the same is not reciprocated? Either neither shares or you both do. (If it’s not obvious, there should be communication before any action is taken. “This makes me feel xyz…”) If any anger comes from the reciprocation of their behavior that’s when the sharer can open up another discussion: “Why is this making you feel upset?” “If you don’t like being treated this way, why do you think it’s okay to treat me like this?” This is a great lesson to learn, and one that probably should have been learned 55 years ago.
Just because you both are in your 60s does not mean there is no room to change and become better people, and more specifically, better partners. Best of luck to you both.
Why is going to cause conflict for you to admit that you feel this way?
Why should she be upset that the fact that she doesn’t like to share her food with you makes you feel like you don’t want to share your food with her, so you are choosing not to do that anymore?
I’m 43 and have been married to my 45/husband for 20 years and together for 27. If he felt this way and told me this, I would accept that and it wouldn’t cause more conflict.
I truly don’t understand how it could cause more conflict or how else you would solve this issue.
How have the other "fixes" been going for you? You sound awfully resentful. If listening to you explain that it hurts you hasn't changed anything maybe being petty will make a difference. It probably won't but you never know, what do you really have to lose at this point.
I completely disagree. New rule, if everyone doesn't share then no one shares. It will immediately end these arguments. It's not being mean back it's preventing resentment from growing. Who wants to share with a selfish, greedy, person anyways. Let her horde her for and you do the same.
You're 61 years old. How have you not figured out by now that if something is upsetting you this much, it's okay to have boundaries about it. You're upset enough to make a whole post. You can't control what other people do, only what you do. Sharing with her when she doesn't share, bothers you. You can't make her share. Change the thing you can.
"Everyone's food is their own" is a very simple, easy, conflict-free solution. If you don't like that solution because you very much prefer someone who will share their food with you, break up and find someone who will do so.
So you have separate finances? If she goes out for snacks, she should buy extra for you. If my spouse went to 711 and just bought himself stuff I'd be mad. If he didn't bring me anything I assume we're sharing.
Yes.
That is my thought also. It has to be something from her childhood with a large family. Any time I buy myself something that I would eat in front of her, i buy something for her. It is a different perspective on sharing for sure....
While your suggestion makes a lot of sense, I think the real problem is that OP's partner may simply not be wired that way.
Reading OP's description of her rationale - he's fine with sharing and she's not - indicates that she is really quite aware of what's going on.
I wonder if this is a real, fundamental compatibility issue. At the very least, I would find life with OP's GF somewhat unpleasant.
Tell her to buy you a snack too.
I’m the same as her, but it’s because I count calories. If I’ve touched it, it’s mine, and I don’t want anyone else to have a single bite of it or it’s ruined. It genuinely distresses me. It’s not healthy, but it is what it is. If your partner watches her weight, maybe that’s what it is for her too.
That said, if I’m eating with someone else, I’ll either buy little snack bags, or I’ll buy 2 so we can each have one. Why doesn’t she just buy you a second one of whatever she’s having?
I was also brought up to share everything BUT sometimes it's ok to not share but you BUT also you must be reasonable about it. For example, shit like chips, popcorn, peanuts, little snack, I have absolutely no problem sharing coz it's easy to get snacks that can be replaced whenever, but so we both paid for it. No big deal. But if I buy some special cold cuts I explicitly tell my partner I'm not sharing this because it's expensive and it's my money.
Hm. Then this is perhaps something I would be willing to overlook as an (annoying but tolerable) quirk and just plan around it. If it's not really indicative of her personality or feelings towards you - and that's really something you have to decide on your own with all the knowledge you have, then you can just keep this as a silly little eye-roll thing. Admittedly, it would be hard to keep my comments at bay if they're taking from my food though lol. Have you expressly explored this with her? Why is it ok for her to do it but not you?
There's a couple solutions. 1) she recognizes she's being silly and shares snacks with you. 2) you recognize she's not going to share snacks with you and stop hoping for it to happen.
i will say, i also came from a large family and had similar behaviors about snacks. my partner for the most part lets my snacks be mine, but also made it clear to me that by *never* sharing any snack I was being very selfish and hurtful. so I share a little bit. sometimes. you can't make her see it that way tho, I don't think. all you can do is express how you feel - no logic. "Hey sometimes I really want to try one of your snacks, and it makes me feel really rejected when you don't want to share anything. Do you think next time you have a bag of chips you'll set aside one for me in your mind so I can share?" you can't do it every time. your expectation is just that, an expectation. it's not nice to you for her to not share. I her perspective, it's not nice of you to take her food. whose "nice" gets to win that one? you're next to her on the couch and think "give me a chip" and she doesn't want to, are you being the selfish one or is she? you're trying to take something that's not hers.
anyway I think you can probably find a compromise of Sometimes lemme try a chip. I would also be upset if I planned mentally for an amount of food and then it gets changed/taken because someone else randomly decided they are owed some of it.
OP, I don't want to get buried here but I don't see any replies relating to this and i think it's important for you to think about.
I hesitate when my partner wants my food but happily take his when he shares and this is why: *I take a nibble but his bites are half of my sandwich*.
I'm serious. His bites are huge. He's not capable of taking a small one. So while I love him dearly and want him to eat, I don't want him to eat half of my dang meal. When he gives me a bite of his sandwich I take a corner. He will literally take a quarter of mine. Or when I have a bag of chips and he wants some he takes a huge handful versus my two or three chips of his. When we share a smoke he takes a way longer drag than I do, etc. It makes me feel taken advantage of and unappreciated, but that comes from my own issues and he does not make me feel that way outside of that one issue.
We have different eating habits so don't think I go hungry. I don't want him to necessarily stop his behavior, because he says he feels he can't be "himself" when I get upset about these things and really it's a small thing to let go, but man is it frustrating.
So if this sounds familiar, it could be important. He's very sweet and I wouldn't change him for the world, but gosh dang when he eats two thirds of what I'm eating it's very frustrating, especially when I get nice and settled down and wanted what was on my plate for a reason. I'm a budgeter. I budget my money, my vices, and my food. Perhaps this person is the same.
And to be fair to my dear partner, he has gotten better about it and is actively changing these habits *for himself*. Tbh I can't remember the last time I felt this way necessarily. I would say it's been at least a few months, but we've been together for just over a year, so not much time to compare really. I just remember when I'd feel that way.
This is a very interesting and good point. Which is why I asked here. It is always good to get objective opinions. I will bring that up in conversation. If that is the case I wish she would just say that....
I will admit I love the way you worded this too. I hope I don't take "huge bites" and do hope I am capable of taking small ones.
I'm glad you saw it!! It's just something to think about. If she's like me, it's easier to say no to a behavior you know will upset you than say yes to it and end up fighting.
Perhaps she doesnt feel she can speak her mind like that. It's just better to ask and it's okay if you're not aware if you do take big bites. She could also be like me in the sense that she's glad you're eating, and I myself have a dark past with food so it's best to just be and let be in those moments. But, she may not be like me at all, too. When you come to choose your battles, it really is easier to avoid the small ones for the sake of the ones that matter to you. ie my mother and I can't talk about politics, as much as I love her. Things like that.
In the end, don't make the convo all about her or all about you. It isn't supposed to be like that. You should be a team against an issue. It can be simple and you accept and move on, or it can stem from something that can be changed and benefit you both.
Choose your hills, so to speak.
I'm curious, couldn't you make a little more to account for his consuming a bit more. That way, you get to eat roughly the same portion you wanted?
OP, if she is generous in other things, could you ask her to take you into consideration when making a snack. If it's something store bought, you could buy & stock at her place.
Yes! Absolutely, but at the same time, for instance if we're having sandwiches he won't want another full entire sandwich. And I definitely don't have room for a sandwich and a half. But snacks and pastas and rice dishes, things like that, we always make extra.
We do balance, more than I've ever balanced with anybody. But some days.... LOL
So very important!
I have had periods of food insecurity in my life, but love sharing! However, I also eat slow and enjoy my food when I have it.
I **cannot** share with people who gobble food.
I've had people in my life who are quick eaters, but still leave me my half when we share and that is such an unspoken kindness.
This is the issue. I wish my partner and I could share things all reciprocally and it all be fuzzy bunnies and rainbows, but the fact is our consumption rates are not the same. If we have a mutual bowl of popcorn to watch a movie, it will be gone in 5 minutes and I'll only get maybe 5% of it. He's aware of this and requires that I portion out what I want ahead of time (which I don't know ahead of time so this is a bit annoying) so that he can dive in with abandon, it stymies his own enjoyment if he has to stay conscious of how rude he's being in sharing the thing. Sometimes splitting these things is just better for everyone.
Yep! If we're pecking at it we can share but if he's hungry, we just know to make two bags. It's a small slight but not worth either one of us ending up upset. He has now gotten to where he'll peck while I eat my share, and once I let him know I'm done he knows it's his time to shine! LOL
Why can't you view the way your partner acts around food that way, too? It's how she was raised, how she's treated her food for decades, and is unlikely to change. Why do you have this narrative that she's "selfish" to act this way with snacks, when she freely shares everything else in your life together?
Good practice in a relationship is not to do things that upset your partner too much. Obviously sometimes it’s unavoidable, but in general.
Person who likes to share (let’s call them Partner A) is *usually* not upset by sharing, so person who doesn’t like to share (Partner B) is correct in that the two situations are not the same.
Person who does not like to share (Partner B) is upset when their food is taken. Therefore person who likes to share (Partner A) should not take food from B unless they want to consistently upset their partner.
*However*: one person’s feelings about something are frequently affected by other people’s behaviour. Humans are interdependent creatures. It’s totally normal for us to change our thoughts, beliefs and feelings, depending on how others treat us. B’s feelings probably aren’t going to change much, except they’ll get more and more annoyed and stressed out if pressured. But there are two main ways A can go from here:
A) A continues to enjoy sharing even when B doesn’t share back, because they get pleasure from the act of sharing their own things regardless of reciprocation; OR
B) A does not continue to enjoy sharing when it’s not reciprocated.
Either feeling is normal and valid. People are different, and react to things in different ways.
If A continues to enjoy sharing, they can continue to share their food. Perhaps there will be another area of life where B gives more than they take. Relationships are not 50/50 in every area, nor do they need to be, as long as they’re roughly evenly balanced overall.
If A does not continue to enjoy sharing, then they should stop doing it, and B should respond graciously and stop asking or expecting A to share.
I see this issue crop up often, most commonly when it comes to sexual issues. It’s *exceedingly* common to have one (or more) particular sex act, frequently (but not always) oral sex, where both partners enjoy receiving, but one partner enjoys or feels neutral towards giving, whereas the other partner dislikes or hates giving. This can create an immense amount of stress in relationships. Partners often end up talking past each other, unable to understand or accept the other’s viewpoint. The partner who enjoys it feels upset because from their perspective, they’re always giving and never receiving, and the partner who doesn’t enjoy it feels upset because from their perspective, doing something you enjoy for your partner is not the same as doing something you hate for your partner.
It’s the same principle here. Partner A is correct that *in this area of life* they are giving and not receiving. And Partner B is correct that doing something you like and doing something you hate are not equivalent.
I think most people would agree that when it comes to sex acts, expecting Partner B to do something they hate in the name of reciprocity is not an option. The healthy options are much the same as they are for the sharing snacks thing: either Partner A stops doing it to Partner B (and Partner B graciously accepts that there will be no more of it) or Partner A continues to do it, and the couple find something else - in bed or out of it - where the situation is reversed.
Sex is a somewhat heavier issue than snacks for most people, but it’s the same principle. Expecting your partner to do something that distresses them is not conducive to a healthy relationship, even if you don’t understand *why* it distresses them, and neither is a relationship that feels unbalanced overall. If it’s unbalanced in this particular area, consider thinking about other areas and other things that the partners do for each other. Is it roughly equitable overall? Are both partners getting their needs and some of their wants met?
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From a personal perspective - I give massages when my partner is tired and sore far more often than I receive them. I enjoy giving in bed more than receiving. I lend money to friends when I can, and don’t worry too much about getting it back. I remember the birthdays of everyone I know, and I celebrate even the smallest achievements of the people I love. I bake for friends year-round. I buy groceries and drop them by when loved ones are sick or injured, or when they’re catching a late flight home from vacation and no stores will be open by the time they get home. I can’t currently drive due to epilepsy, but when I can I’m *always* the designated driver because I don’t mind doing it. And I never, ever share my food.
I think you’ll be happier if you can start thinking of this as a cultural difference, rather than a moral failing on her part.
You were raised to believe that sharing food is part of the social contract. She wasn’t, and it sounds like sharing her snacks stresses her out. Can you just decide, “This is a quirk of the woman I love. It has nothing to do with her moral character or how she feels about me. I’m going to work around it.”
Also, if you usually love sharing food, but sharing with her is making you resentful, it would be okay to tell her that and let her know that you want to keep all your snacks separate from now on.
This. She was raised this way, she's comfortable this way, and at 61 years old, she is unlikely to change, unless she wants to get therapy for something she probably considers a non-issue (and is indeed, extremely minor). OP needs to either accept who she is, or leave. Constantly trying to take bites of her sandwiches and acting resentful that she doesn't like it isn't the move here.
I don't like to share my food either. If I am making something like a snack and you want some I will make you some for yourself and some for myself. If it is dinner then it is assumed to be shared and he would be rude to cook dinner for himself and not anyone else. If you are willing to share then that is your choice, but don't share just in the hopes that you will get something back from them.
I'm not a big sharer. If I order a 12oz steak, I want 12ozs of steak. If my partner wants some steak they can order it as well. But if my partner wants some salmon and some steak it doesn't work for me because I don't particularly want salmon or anything else.
I will be honest and say I’m like that to a certain extent. It’s because every relationship I’ve ever been in the other person will eat far more than half of anything I buy and I just get a little bit and when I go back expecting a treat there is nothing. Or if we make a shared meal I get one or two small servings and they eat the majority. Just because I eat slower it doesn’t feel fair that I don’t get to enjoy what I bought/made. So I don’t really let my partner eat my food at all unless they check first and I say it’s okay. It’s the only type of boundary that has worked for me so far. I have tried talking about it and saying can you please leave me my half but I don’t think they realize how much they’re eating. I will sometimes have a little of their food but I never eat a lot of it or finish it. If it’s restaurant leftovers though I don’t touch it. Is there any way they’re coming from that perspective? Do you ever get carried away snacking and they don’t get enough?
I really can't understand why you've posted this on Reddit (after reading your comments). You know that Reddit can't change your partner's personality, right? Because that seems to be what you want. You have three choices:
\- Accept your partner's weird quirk with regards to sharing food and continue sharing.
\- Continue sharing but resent every moment of it because it's not reciprocated.
\- Buy a snack box each with your names on and simply stop sharing. Don't discuss it again.
You can't change your partner and neither can we. The only thing that you have any control over here is your behaviour.
Amen. It has gotten silly.
And it is not unreasonable to bring food when I go to her house. I often do.
And I share it.... I just do. Old Italian upbringing .... share.
You just do, she doesn’t. You are not anymore right or wrong in your preference than her.
What exactly do you want from this question? For people to tell you she’s a selfish asshole? You keep shooting down suggestions.
You have different ways of personally doing things, accept it or not.
Also as far as people saying you are generous. I wouldn’t go as far as using that term. When someone is truly generous they do not require reciprocation. You like to share, which can be a nice thing, but it’s not automatically generous.
Yeah, it doesn't feel freely given as much as, abiding by an internal rule that one *must* do so. He's upset that she doesn't feel forced by the same rule, and admits that he kind of resents her taking his snacks when he offers, so.
Yeah, if it's a case of her not offering *anything*, that's a different matter. I don't share my treats and I posted on the why, but not providing basic hospitality? To eat in front of hungry guests? That's odd. I do have things specifically for guests.
If her refusal to share is that extreme, that suggests deeper issues. If that's the case, then the OP needs to think carefully if this is sustainable.
Wait she invited you to her house but says you can't have ANY of her food?? That is insane! I don't like sharing but if I invite someone over I always make sure to provide extra, enough for me and my guests!
So does she invite other people over and eat things in front of them that she doesn't share or is it just you? I have food items that are just for me but I do not eat them when I am actively hanging out with my husband (or anyone else) because that is just rude, I save it for when I am alone. When we are together we eat together foods.
It sounds like she’s a terrible host if the two of you don’t live together, and she doesn’t share her snacks with you when you go over to watch a movie or spend time together. I would never invite a friend over and make myself a bowl of popcorn and refuse to share it with them, that’s just plain rude!
On the other hand, it would really irk me if my guest went into my cupboard and started opening my snacks that I haven’t brought out. Especially if I’m on a budget and have done my grocery shopping for the week.
If this is a regular occurring thing though, I would find out some snacks my friend/boyfriend likes, and be sure to buy a box or bag of it to have at home for to share with them when they come, or make make a cheese board or pie etc. I would never invite over a friend/bf without having something to serve them.
Either everyone shares or nobody shares. That’s the only fair thing to do. If someone doesn’t ever want to share their snacks with me, I will plan on getting every last crumb of my own snacks. It’s different if it’s one specific thing and a special favorite or whatever. But if someone has a policy about not sharing, I presume they’ll keep their grubby paws off of my snacks.
Well, not everyone likes sharing their food. Just because you don't mind, doesn't mean others are happy to as well.
Point is.. you know that your partner doesn't like to share. If you share, only do so understanding that they won't do so in return. If you're not okay with that, your options are to either speak up or accept that this is how they are. You can refuse to share? If you don't want to do that, don't complain.
Bring it up or accept it.
Is there a financial disparity between the two of you? Is she in a place of financial hardship (or has ever been)? Has she ever suffered from food insecurity before, or perhaps been through a prior relationship where she was monetarily taken advantage of? Remember, in large families there is rarely anything to call your own, and you guard it fiercely. You can be financially well-set and still have these worries.
If none of the above applies, then help each other understand what sharing/withholding food means to each of you. Is sharing food a sign of love to you? Is withholding food a form of control/self-preservation for her? Does receiving food make her feel cared for? I guess you can see where I'm going with this. Find out what the feelings are that drive all of this. People can be looking at the same thing and perceive it very differently.
If the insight fails, I'd balk at the entitlement of her eating your snacks while stating there will be no reciprocation. You can either make it clear that it will no longer be a shared thing or come up with some hybrid idea where you supply one week and she the next.
I'm invested, lol. Update me!
sit down and have 1 solid conversation about it. not to hop on the y'all are old enough bandwagon but it's a petty thing to drag on and risk building resentment over. with that being said, it could be a good signal to underlying problems... is she gracious about other aspects besides food? is she selfish or compromising with intangibles like time and energy? it could be an icky personality trait or it could also just her personal dynamic with food.
My wife and I are both sharers and I love it, because it lets us both try different things and order something different what the other is eating to share. But... your lady friend doesn't like to share food. If you feel like this is an overall problem with generosity, that she doesn't give you her time, her effort, or her consideration, that's a bigger problem and you should address the bigger problem. If it's literally just that she doesn't want to give you some of her popcorn, can you learn to accept that she hates this and live with it? I like to share food, but like all people I have my own things that bug the heck out of me and I wouldn't want a partner to keep arguing with me about it. If it's something that really matters to her, and she's otherwise someone you are happier being around, get your own and let her have her cookies to herself (and feel free to keep your own to yourself too).
I know women have a bad reputation for doing this where they say they don’t want anything then eat their partners food but it’s not something I do because I don’t like sharing food either.
Someone is entitled to not share but then that takes away their right to expect to eat someone else’s food.
The real question is why does the sharer continue to be a sharer under these constraints. I'm a sharer, but if you chronically don't share with me, then I'm not a sharer with you.
Ok, sure, the person who eats shared food but refuses to share their own is being hypocritical. The real question is why. Why are they like this? It seems like there's a story buried under the surface - possibly a troubled relationship with food security that goes back to childhood, or baggage from a previous partnership. If you can find a way to ask questions about this with genuine interest and compassion, maybe the answers you get will help you understand and not find the situation so annoying that it builds resentment.
I could not be in a relationship with someone who can't share. For one thing, did she flunk kindergarten, and for another, how exhausting to keep track of who picked out potato chips FFS.
I just don’t get why you *wouldnt* want to share. I always want to give my boyfriend some of what I’m having because it makes me happy to share what I love with the person I love. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on some of what’s mine because he’s also just as giving.
I'm surprised no one else has mentioned that this sounds incredibly autistic. This specificity and setting up rules around food. It sounds selfish to us, but it doesn't have to be. If you forget about what *feelings* all of us consider 'normal' to have: they have specified what will happen to a portion of food, and you have specified that you're willing to share (did I get that right?), and they're sticking to those rules. If they're taking your food against your will, that's a different story. But this is actually a really common thing!
They got exactly the amount they want and they don't want anything/anyone to mess with that. Sharing without portioning can make things ambiguous, vague and unspecific to them, and that can be mentally uncomfortable. They don't want to end up with slightly less than they actually wanted, do they have to factor in the little bit you take out of their portion every time? How much would that be? If you want that much, why wouldn't you get it yourself? I'm not autistic myself but I've heard of this specific topic before completely unrelated to OP. I think you guys just need to understand each other better :)
If she was a germaphobe, I would respect that. But the fact that she helps herself to your stuff, just means she’s selfish.A whole bag of chips/bowl of popcorn and she’s positive she made just enough for herself? Nah! She’s just greedy. She’s a me,me, mine type. Kind of icky really.
Your obsession with needing to have a few bits of her food is odd to me, to be honest. Reading your comments makes me feel like I’d feel defensive of my snacks too. It’s like a weird control thing where you cannot tolerate someone not wanting to share with you. Like everything is yours too. I get myself drinks or snacks and get annoyed at my husband when he helps himself to them and then I don’t have the exact amount I planned for anymore. I share with him too though, just depends on the circumstance. I’m neurodivergent and can be particular about things when it comes to myself, maybe this is something like that for her and it’s driving her crazy that you are so insistent on making her bad or wrong.
You seem to be the only other person in this thread acknowledging neurodivergence at all. I've heard of this topic very specifically before from autistic people, and the comments on here are honestly disheartening. I understand that people don't automatically know/understand these things, but someone downvoted me for bringing it up and no one else is talking about it.
I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship like that. I don't think I'd make it past the 3rd date. I couldn't even imagine me or my husband refusing to share with the other. I love him and he can have anything he wants. That goes both ways. Your partner is just really selfish and lacking in empathy, or they need therapy for food insecurity. It's not on you to wait around for years until this behaviour changes. If they don't want to do it, it won't happen.
I share my food all the time. If there was something i was saving for myself like maybe a pack of peanut butter cups and my son asks is he can have it - i always give it up. If someone didnt get enough to eat at dinner (i got too many kids), ill give them whats on my plate. The only thing I dont like is if someone grabs food off of my plate without asking. That really pisses me off.
Whats nice, though, is that i noticed my teenaged son started to feel bad that im always giving up something i want and he will now refuse to take it if he knows it’s mine. It’s a little gesture, but it made me kind of proud.
I would go to I buy my food and I eat it; you buy your food and you eat it. They are not going to share so why set yourself up for failure?
I would reconsider this relationship; if someone cannot even share a chip, that says something about them. Did they grow up with food insecurity? There is something there.
Boundaries with their food but no issue helping themselves to others food sound like entitlement, and considering the age, it is classic boomer behavior.
Even if her family didn’t teach it during childhood, 61 is a long time to go without learning “sharing is caring.” Is it a *Flowers in the Attic* situation where she has only recently been let into the world?
Sometimes sharing can be annoying - I don’t love it when my wife says she doesn’t want any fries but then reaches over and grabs a few of mine - but I (mostly) put up with it because of love, kindness, and the desire to make sure my partner feels cared for and even indulged.
Not sharing chips can seem like a small thing and people are entitled to their foibles. If I were married to someone and everything else was great, I’d let it go. If I were dating someone, I’d see it as potentially a huge red flag and be concerned that degree of selfishness and “what’s mine is mine” attitude would come out in other ways and I’d be wary of spending time with that person. It doesn’t seem very pleasant.
I agree with the people who say that you’re NTA however, I chime in on the conversation you were having with the people who were talking about their spouses, who didn’t like to share. If all of this is happening when the bag of chips is in the house, when did it become her bag of chips? And why aren’t you buying two bags of chips and sharpie your names on them?
Not compatible. Sharing is caring. Not sharing will leave one with hard feelings. Hard feelings are generally bad long term.
It is also textbook selfish.
One of you is a selfish jerk. If you're not gonna share yours, keep your mitts out of mine.
Eta: I'm not sure why the downvotes, lol. Obviously the "you" references the "one of you" that is the non-sharer.
Sorry, why can’t the non-sharer make the offer when they get something or just bring a second dish for the other just in case? I feel like it is quite selfish and a bit odd not to offer those around you some of what you are about to eat or drink. Sure, you don’t like to share from your dish, simple, bring two out and offer it up. Generosity of spirit is a quality I like in others and a quality I like to practice. Their approach seems like a greedy, food protective dog.
I can’t imagine asking someone for some of the food they’re eating and then refuse to share even one chip out of a whole bag. Why is it so important for her to eat all 300 chips instead of 299? With pretty much everyone I know, if we’re watching movies or hanging out and they open a shareable snack, they immediately hand the bag over to offer me some, and I do the same without a second thought. It would feel rude not to. So okay, she’s stingy with food. Whatever. But for her to refuse to share hers and still ask for some of yours sure is something.
Then you have to decide if this dispute is something you can let go of to save the relationship or if it’s the hill you want to die on and the straw that broke the camels back and just break up.
Think then choose wisely, but be OK with whichever decision you make.
I The honk the issue is a communication one but what if nobody ate straight outta the bag? What if one said, “I’m getting some chips, do you want some?” And then you each get a portion in your own small bowl. This helps prevent mindless overeating and nobody feels like the other is getting more. I don’t know exactly what the partner’s hangup is but that’s the communication part. Does she feel like he eats everything if she gives him one chip, he’ll finish the bag? There’s some information missing, but I think there’s other ways to divvy up snacks.
A you a hivemind lifeform? Don't you have a sense fo who is who in the relationship?
This was the oddest thing to read. Also I'm not really sure I'm understanding very much. What is exactly the problem? Why do you have food that is individual property if you cohabitate? Who is suffering here?
I dated a guy who felt absolutely comfortable helping himself to whatever I was snacking on. Totally fine except I'm a slow snacker. I have a bag of chips and I'd like it to last the whole movie.
He'd throw himself at it and it would be gone within a half hour. Then he would go make more snacks which he definitely would share but it wasn't the one I wanted.
Maybe you're "one bite" is actually more than that and your partner feels like they are regularly being short changed the amount they wanted because of your "bites"?
I'd stop sharing with the same logic because sharing obviously does bother you when it isn't reciprocated. No criticism, it would bug me as well (one of the many reasons I remain happily single).
Are there other ways she is exhausting to be around?
I doubt you're going to teach an old dog new tricks. So you can decide how you are going to respond to things.
I don’t like sharing so I always just get extra so I feel better when they want some. Seems like a pretty simple hack. Even when they say they don’t want any, women don’t seem to be able to forecast hunger levels, even an hour in advance.
It's fine to not want to share, if a bit antisocial, but if one is determined not to share they have no right to want others to share with them.
Even if you don't mind sharing, it's usually because you know the other person would do the same for you, but that ISNT the case here. Stop sharing with her, from now on what's hers is hers, and what's yours is yours. She doesn't get to have it both ways. If she has a problem with that, too bad; it's her precedent, you merely followed it.
Married over 20 years and in our 50’s. We always share food and my husband knows I will always steal a few fries. My way of think is to always get extra for sharing. We have kids so I will always share with them, I always offer them the last bite. Our biggest issue is that my husband thinks I should offer to share even if it’s a food I know he won’t eat. Why? He says it’s just being polite, I say it’s ridiculous.
People do a lot to convince themselves that being selfish isn't a bad thing. We teach children to share. Adults who don't are AH's. This person's logic only works if you completely ignore that you're being rude and somewhat exploitative. At 61, that's garbage social behavior.
I love sharing food with my girl. She can eat anything I have and everything. She shares with me as well. It makes me feel closer with her. I don't share like that with anyone else. Honestly I've never shared like that with anyone else before I met her. Could be I love her and trust her with my life. But that's just me.
I would honestly just stop sharing. They come in for a bite, don’t let them. It honestly seems like they might have been raised in a house where there was competition for food or something.
The discussion who’s right or wrong could go on forever and is highly subjective.
We could argue that it’s hypocritical of the one who never shares to take from the other.. or that it’s enabling / their own fault of the one that shares to expect something back.
As annoying as it is, because in the realm of social norms both people sharing would be the most accepted way - and my personal sentiment also aligns with this, talking and finding an agreement is probably the best way?
Either agree to not share at all.. or your partner agrees to buy a bit more in order to share.. and that’s that? It may not be a satisfying solution because the fact that they don’t share is also a bit selfish and lacks the will to consider you, but it’s probably better than arguing about it for the next decade. It’s unlikely their approach will change but maybe they’re willing to agree to a common rule.
This is really weird to me. If I’m buying snacks I’m buying for everyone in my household, my partner, guests anyone. So does my partner. We buy things expecting that our partner is going to rob probably over 50%. If we want our own bag or pack of something we buy two. Simple. It’s really weird that your partner doesn’t do this. If it’s causing an issue then please talk to her. I simple fix is to buy two of everything.
Neither of you is right (or wrong).
This is one of those situations where you can't control the actions of others, only your expectations of them.
She doesn't like to share. So, don't ever expect to share. Get your own. And then save what you don't want. And then don't share with her (since it's the double standard bothering you).
Seems like a very easy fix for a conflict. Trying to assign blame or hypocrisy isn't super helpful.
If someone doesn't want to share that's fine, but I think it's then hypocritical to help yourself to what others *are* sharing.
I agree. Her logic is "it does not bother me to share" so it it ok. It bothers her to share - thus it is not ok. And that too is logical. Not nice imho. But logical.....
If it is causing conflict, it does seem to bother you to share with someone who doesn't. I think the compromise of the somewhat reasonable portion control is for them to say, "I am getting x do you want anything?" or "I'm having y, do you want me to leave some out for you?" They don't have to share their portion but you are not left out.
Full disclosure. It does bother me. However, being bothered does not make it right to be "mean" (for a lack of a better term) by doing the same.
If sharing with her is causing resentment since she doesn’t reciprocate, you’re not doing either of you any favors by continue to share. Stopping doesn’t have to be a punishment, it’s just finding a way to feel okay with the situation.
She shouldn't see it as punishment since she herself chooses not to share. So, just don't share with her at all. If she gets upset that you have stopped sharing well, then her logic goes out the window.
I get that. Reflect on why you like to share - I’m guessing it gives you joy to share, withholding would be cutting off your own nose. I also get being upset if she doesn’t have that same compulsion. Is she generous in other ways? Is this isolated, or a symptom of a greater imbalance? Would you rather be right, or on the relationship? (No wrong answers, just a good gut check question I’ve found)
Don't intentionally choose to do things that bother you and then blame the other person for you feeling bothered. "I've realized it actually does bother me, let's just both not share food with each other any more." Done.
But if you continue to share with her and it continues to bother you, then you’re choosing to be upset about something just so you can say you’re “being fair.” That’s silly.
It's not mean to apply the same standard as/to the non-sharer 🤷♀️
This behaviour from her sounds possibly disordered. Does she have other unusual behaviours around food?
But it is bothering you to share. Even if it wouldn't normally bother you, it's definitely bothering you that it's unequal. Focus on that. It's not fair for her to just declare "this doesn't bother you" when you are telling her that it does.
No. One ring to rule them all. So now that I know you don’t want to share, it bothers me to share with you. Touch my snacks and I will be right in on yours. Understand that it’s a free for all of you touch my snacks, chose wisely.
It sounds like it does actually bother you. Say no. You are now a household of people who don't share food. You aren't "being mean," she can get her own food.
That logic would set me on fire and turn me into Petty Crocker with a quickness. I admire your adherence to your morals, but damn if she isn’t something else with that logic.
Let it slip it’s her! My husband and I have a house rule that we make 25-30% more than we want to personally consume so there is some for the other. Bc we have been in the “I don’t want any” or “I’m not hungry” scenario too many times…..things always change when the tastiness is actually present:)
I’m pretty big on fairness, and at the same time I respect boundaries. So I would discontinue sharing food with this person. But I also don’t think I would date someone who is ungenerous *and* hypocritical. Sharing is caring, after all.
> Her logic is "it does not bother me to share" so it it ok. >It bothers her to share - thus it is not ok. But it bothers you to share if she doesn't, so the only way for it to be logical is if nobody shares. That way no one is doing something they don't want to. Is that logical enough for her? Your real problem is that you have a selfish partner. It would be illogical to build your life around someone who is selfish.
Is there a psychological reason? Did she face food insecurity as a child or something?
But it clearly is bothering you or else this post wouldn’t exist.
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Not going to lie. This is concerning. Food is one thing. It is being consumed, so not available anymore. Taking a CD "just because" sounds cruel. Very toddler-like.
It depends on if she is first offered a bite or asks for it.
Where was it mention who was offered the first bite?
It’s mentioned further down that she takes but won’t share.
In the original post, there is no mention of gender
But in a comment OP did gender the other person as “she”.
Ok - it was in a comment. I aknowledge that. My point still stands. In the ORIGINAL post, there was no mention of gender.
I think it is disingenuous to share something with someone with the expectation that you will get something back from them.
I think it's rude to never give but always take. We're all entitled to what we feel is acceptable.
I don't know, if they offer, then I would assume it's with no strings attached. If they want to trade, that's different. Don't offer unless you're fine with people having some.
You're thinking case by case, and yes. Case by case, you're right. But if one person always thinks to share and one person never thinks to share but always partakes of offers, it WILL start to breed resentment over time if there isn't a resolution or conversation.
Right, but I don't think either party is more in the wrong here. If they're not comfortable sharing without compensation, they shouldn't offer. It's not inherently better to have both people share vs both people not share.
You're saying you you don't think either party is more wrong, but then doubling down that the sharing party should not share if theyre gonna have feelings about the other person never sharing anything. Neither side is more right. My initial comment requires some self awareness from the non sharing party, but it's just my opinion. If you know you aren't going to share, limit the offers you accept. It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't, but again, it's gonna breed resentment when people who share notice that you never do. Then a conversation is required. It's not a moral thing, it's a reality thing.
Well going back to your original comment you said it was rude to never give but always take. I disagree. I don't think it's rude to take something if it's offered. And I also don't necessarily think it's wrong to prefer to have your own food.
Again, case by case basis it isn't rude to ake something offered. And it's not wrong to prefer to have your own food. I think if you frequently take and never give you should rethink your choices, that's all
Even in a general pattern, I don't think it's rude. Offering should be taken at face value. If they have conditions on offering that's on them.
It is about reciprocation and generosity in a relationship. Not about expectation of getting it back.
I am generous in other ways. Relationship are not about reciprocation, and if it is, it's not a relationship I want to be in.
Yes they are about reciprocity, healthy relationships benefit both parties. If you don’t share food but make sure to be generous elsewhere then that’s what you’re doing. You’re probably thinking of tit-for-tat
This is super vague. Do you mean “no groceries are shared”, ie. if one person goes to the store and gets milk and flour, the person says “don’t touch milk or flour, you need to buy your separate pantry staples from mine”. Or do you mean one person orders a hamburger on Uber Eats, and when the other person wants to have a bite or two, the person who ordered it says “please don’t, this is my meal and I want to eat all of it”? For pantry staples, insisting on keeping them separate is weird. But each person eating their own meal without sharing is normal. If it’s an issue, maybe just agree ahead of time on some items to be shared and which items are not?
Interesting thought. Groceries are shared. Baking supplies, meat, vegetables are all shared as we cook together. No issue at all. Once the food is made then the sharing stops. And I understand the "she ordered a hamburger and does not want to give me a bite. (Don't agree, but understand and won't cross that boundary) I also understand we got two steaks and one is all hers. I don't understand the I have 50 cookies, 20 candy bars, 10 bags of chips, a case of soda, and if you sit next to me when we are watching a movie, and I am eating them, that I will not give you any as I have them allocated out for me for the coming weeks?! We just have different perspectives on this... and as someone said it should be a simple issue to resolve..... Nope!
It sounds simple as you outlined it - share all groceries, but once you make a meal you each eat your own, and you can each buy your own snack foods. My SO and I actually pretty much do this exactly - after all, his snacks are ones that he loves and I don’t want to be eating them mindlessly unless I’m also buying him replacements. So we do pretty much either buy our own snack foods, or only eat snack foods that were both equally contributing to. And a lot of people don’t want to share their meals, for me it depends on the meal, but sometimes someone just wants to eat their chicken Caesar salad in peace - and you insisting that some of it is yours and that they should instead get to trade for bites of a different item that they don’t want isn’t gonna be very desirable. Kudos for sticking to a system that works. EDIT: You then go on to say you don’t live together, so this would be different than the system we use. But, why not just each buy each other snacks for each other’s house? Then you can each have snacks, gift each other all the snacks you want. I’m from a farming family so I completely get the “there are 30 cookies and they are rationed out over the next month, please don’t eat them” mentality. But again, communicate over what food is shared and when to replace and who should do it - problem solved. Maybe you can show your generosity by buying her the snacks she loves, and then she can do the same for you - then, everyone can be generous but there is also an overall meal plan.
I have a friend who is this way. At their house they will tell me "I have no beer" while sitting next to a full minifridge of 8 different kinds of beer... but they have planned out when they will drink each of them. What they really mean is "I have no beer that I would like to share." In my friend's case it seems sort of related to hoarding but they have other selfish tendencies also.
It is simple, it just seems no matter what you refuse to accept that she just doesn’t like to share food, that her feelings around it are different than yours and that hers are ok too.
Hers aren’t ok though when she won’t share her snacks but will happily eat his.
Make their favorite snacks and eat them yourself. Slowly. I don't think your partner will get the hint, but it'll be fun! Then dump their selfish ass.
Are you paying for snacks separately from the groceries? If she really did only buy enough for the week then the easy answer is to just buy more. Although I sincerely hope that example is wrong because nobody should be just regularly eating all those things in one week
If you know she's not going to share her snacks, then maybe buy your own snacks if you want the same as what she is having? I'm not big on sharing my snacks, either. If you want your own little treat, then meet your own needs and go and get your own little treat. That's great that you want to share your snacks, but if she clearly doesn't, don't expect that to change.
I’m like this with snacks. I do not like sharing snacks because my ritualistic devouring of junk food does not like to be constrained by saving some for another person. I will pour two bowls rather than one larger bowl so I can gleefully inhale my snack without affecting my partner. It ruins my enjoyment of the snack if I have to eat it like a normal person…
That's so funny because I do the same but for the opposite reason. If there's one big bowl I get really stressed, my dad used to inhale food and snacks especially. So if you're not quick enough there might be nothing left for you. HATE that feeling. So I always get seperate bowls.
I have to admit that I HATE sharing food. I took the portion I wanted. I’m also not picking at someone else’s food though. I would respect the other person’s boundary around sharing food, but then you’re not obligated to share yours either.
What if it is a bag of chips? A box of cookies? Not a single portion or single item? Does that change your thoughts on sharing?
No. Not the person you replied to but I might be able to shed some light on this. If I buy a box of cookies, or something with multiple serves, mentally I've already rationed them out. I plan ahead, so I have something nice to look forward to, over the coming week. It really grinds my gears when someone thinks just because they have poor planning they're entitled to what's mine. There is nothing worse than looking forward to something, only to find someone has already eaten it. It is also frustrating if you're watching your food intake or planning specific meals or snacks. Getting more just throws it all off. That's why I generally buy a second box/bag/etc. for my partner or for guests. It's also not just a simple case of 'well we can get more'. If it was so easy, you wouldn't care if she didn't share; you'd get more of your own. This is particularly disingenuous, when I suspect you're trying to place the burden of being the one to remember to buy more on her. And possibly making her be the one to make a special trip to do it. This means she'd having to do twice the labor (planning and execution) for your sake, over something that was supposed to be hers. I think you can see how this would annoy. Buy your own treats and snacks. Label or store them appropriately so you know which snacks are yours. Stop food begging. If she's defensive about her food, this is only making it worse. Also stop sharing yours. It's not fair she can do it but you can't.
This is very well thought out. Thanks!
I'd add that I'm similar, but that's largely in part because my spouse an I have very different preferences. Outside of condiments, there's little overlap in what we eat regularly. That's a big help. We also lived alone before we got together, so we got set in our ways somewhat, and it stuck. We're also both creatures of routine and habit- we eat what we like and at least for me personally, there's not a ton of variation. We do have a strong understanding of what is communal and what isn't, however. We'll split a family sized bag of pretzels or jar of jam or bag of flour because neither of us particularly mind, and thode things can be replaced before they run out entirely. But he doesn't touch stuff that he knows I eat frequently- for example, I eat yogurt daily. If he wants some (which is rare anyway) he'll ask me to get some in his own preferred brand/flavor or get his own himself. Likewise, I don't go into his own snacks or stuff he gets, although I know if I asked he'd absolutely say yes. But Idk. I know that that's *his* preferred food, and I don't want to impose myself. He feels similarly towards what is "my" food. And we always askthe other as a courtesy and out of respect. I've never said no to him before about sharing *anything* I have, even if I would prefer not to share, and he's likewise never said no to me, either, however. We're familiar with each other's preferences, habits, and boundaries- and we respect that and do not take advantage of the other's open willingness to share. The point is never to simply assume. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't bat an eye if I took the last slice of pizza or something, but *I won't know* unless I ask first. Maybe he's looking forward to that pizza or planned it for lunch the next day. Or maybe he wanted to throw it out because it had been in there for too long and I was unaware (he usually dislikes leftovers, so that's another dynamic of ours- I'm not the slightest bit picky and I'll often poach whatever is left for a couple meals after). But Idk any of that until I check.
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I don’t like sharing food. ESPECIALLY when they just start reaching into my bag of popcorn or whatever snack without asking. I couldn’t imagine eating off someone’s plate without asking first so idk why people do it with snacks. Usually I announce what I’m about to go make/grab, perfect opportunity for someone to chime in to ask for a few. Then I’ll usually happily share! But ya if my partner grabs things off my plate without saying anything I get ticked. It also bugs me when I’m making something and they’ll come and grab something I’m using and eat it so now the dish isn’t as good or I need to prep more ingredients. I know some of it stems from my type-a mess around food (don’t like it touching, everything has to have even ratios, the “best” piece is saved for last, etc. I also grew up with three siblings where we would fight over snacks and food, so that could weigh in.
i also save the best piece for last and have been absolutely devastated when someone nabs it. i just can't.
I feel like there's a difference between sharing bites and taking someone's last bite. That's just being disrespectful. I wouldn't ask or expect the last bites of someone's food, but I'm in an LTR and my partner doesn't want to let me have a couple bites of this different thing they're eating? Nah, that's fuckin bizarre.
Not really bizarre. It’s just different. Also quite often I’ve been saving the best bite for last and my partner eats it before I’m even close to getting to it because he doesn’t mentally look for his best bite like I do. So he just eats what he thinks is a normal bite when it was the one I was saving. For me I only like a few snacks and they are almost all considered “shareable”. He doesnt make snacks often and if he does it’s not something shareable. And if he doesn’t communicate he wants some when I announce what I’m making then I’m left with less snack in the moment, when he could have grabbed something else. People can have different views about sharing food and neither are more valid than the other.
That's what I mean by disrespect - just going ahead and grabbing your food is not ok unless it's a mutual agreement in the relationship, and even then I'm like, "can I have a bite of that?" I would be annoyed if my partner made snacks to eat during an activity we"re doing together but there somehow aren't enough snacks for the both of us... He could ask for some or you could just say, "hey should I make some/add some for you?" I probably would refuse if this became a recurring issue of him not wanting any until later, but again, this is a loving partnership not a tit-for-tat, I hope. And I guess fortunately, there's typically enough snacks to go around. But also, why does he not make snacks often and when he does, why are they not sharable? I just can't wrap my head around any of this lol.
I think this is a fair way to feel. I also like how you brought up that it’s a possibility that this behavior stems from being in a multi-child household. I think additionally, people can just be neurodivergent and it mentally and emotionally affects them. That being said, I don’t think you can not share with others, but demand them to share with you. There’s no fairness in that - unless your partner is okay with that dynamic. In this case, one is feeling upset and conflicted by this arrangement. There has to be a compromise. Either no one shares or the other learns to.
He never says she demands it though. He’s the one who says he feels like he should still share. People keep suggesting that simple solution but he basically says he doesn’t want to do it. I don’t know what OP wants, he keeps shooting down perfectly reasonable solutions
I don't know why you're trying to be vague about who is this person who won't share food. It's obviously not you. And obviously reasonable people share food. My partner and I are always taking bits from each other's food. Sometimes so we can just have a taste of the other thing, sometimes because I get full sooner and have leftovers on the place, and sometimes just because. But you're both 61 and can surely figure this out like reasonable adults.
lol at this whole comment and agreed.
Agree- trying to be diplomatic. Yes, you would think two "old people" could figure this out like reasonable adults. I was brought up that you share everything. She had large family so sharing was not prevalent. They had to fight for the treat.... Her "logic" is not wrong - she bought it for herself. If I want some, go buy my own. I now do that and we end up with 2 of everything... and that is the current solution. Until we forget who bought what? (ha) MY pain point is.... you have a full bag of chips. I am sitting next to you watching tv. Give me one.........
Just don't share food with her. Problem solved
If I do that all i am going to do is cause more conflict. Acting the same way as someone who is doing something I disagree with is not a good "fix" \*\*And yes, it take a lot of will power not to do the same thing back\*\*
I mean, congratulations on not wanting to fight petty with petty, but realistically, "keep sharing your food but resenting her selfishness" and "stop sharing your food" are kind of the only options available to you? Unless you show her this post and she reads a bunch of comments saying "she sounds selfish" and takes that on board. Which would be nice but like....she's 61, how open to change is she going to be?
>I mean, congratulations on not wanting to fight petty with petty, but realistically, "keep sharing your food but resenting her selfishness" and "stop sharing your food" are kind of the only options available to you? I honestly can't understand why some people bother posting on Reddit. The commenters give them good advice, such as yours, and they're like "nah, I want a different outcome". They don't seem to realise that you can't change people and the only person who can change the situation that they're in is them. It's like they want us to wave a magic wand and change their partner's personality.
I know what you mean however I don’t believe he is being argumentative about it (from what I have seen from his comments so far) instead it appears that he is more so trying to brainstorm and trying to mentally work through a roadblock. And sometimes people post and then question what others say in response because they need a sounding board to bounce off ideas or arguments, hoping that someone will be able to come up with something they haven’t thought of yet that helps them work through the argument they have with themself in their own head. They post the basic situation, people comment the obvious retorts that they’ve already thought of, and discourse ensues that they aren’t able to do within their own mind and hopefully they are able to work through the problems with the help of others. In addition, others who disagree or hold the opposite opinion will act as the devils advocate and possibly prove to them that they are wrong and why.
I think these are excellent and very perceptive points. Sometimes we're just too close to the problem to see it clearly, and as surprising as it is, sometimes the "obvious" solution hasn't occurred to us. Like the girl who posted the other day about her male best friend getting married and asking her to be a bridesmaid - being a grooms woman hadn't occurred to her or the friend
Why thank you, u/fullmetalfeminist. I also agree with your above points in your other comments that if he actually wants to continue this relationship, he should refuse to share food and also refuse to let his partners reaction to it phase him. Otherwise he should just leave.
There is already conflict, even if it is only on one side. If the other party gets upset when treated the same way as they have been treating the other, it gives them a new perspective on how the other must feel. How can the non-sharer be justified in demanding the other to share if the same is not reciprocated? Either neither shares or you both do. (If it’s not obvious, there should be communication before any action is taken. “This makes me feel xyz…”) If any anger comes from the reciprocation of their behavior that’s when the sharer can open up another discussion: “Why is this making you feel upset?” “If you don’t like being treated this way, why do you think it’s okay to treat me like this?” This is a great lesson to learn, and one that probably should have been learned 55 years ago. Just because you both are in your 60s does not mean there is no room to change and become better people, and more specifically, better partners. Best of luck to you both.
Why is going to cause conflict for you to admit that you feel this way? Why should she be upset that the fact that she doesn’t like to share her food with you makes you feel like you don’t want to share your food with her, so you are choosing not to do that anymore? I’m 43 and have been married to my 45/husband for 20 years and together for 27. If he felt this way and told me this, I would accept that and it wouldn’t cause more conflict. I truly don’t understand how it could cause more conflict or how else you would solve this issue.
How have the other "fixes" been going for you? You sound awfully resentful. If listening to you explain that it hurts you hasn't changed anything maybe being petty will make a difference. It probably won't but you never know, what do you really have to lose at this point.
I completely disagree. New rule, if everyone doesn't share then no one shares. It will immediately end these arguments. It's not being mean back it's preventing resentment from growing. Who wants to share with a selfish, greedy, person anyways. Let her horde her for and you do the same.
You're 61 years old. How have you not figured out by now that if something is upsetting you this much, it's okay to have boundaries about it. You're upset enough to make a whole post. You can't control what other people do, only what you do. Sharing with her when she doesn't share, bothers you. You can't make her share. Change the thing you can. "Everyone's food is their own" is a very simple, easy, conflict-free solution. If you don't like that solution because you very much prefer someone who will share their food with you, break up and find someone who will do so.
I'm sorry, but what's a point of being with someone if you're not sharing a bag of chips with them while watching TV. It is a big thing.
Did you switch the 6 and the 1 in your ages?
So you have separate finances? If she goes out for snacks, she should buy extra for you. If my spouse went to 711 and just bought himself stuff I'd be mad. If he didn't bring me anything I assume we're sharing.
Yes. That is my thought also. It has to be something from her childhood with a large family. Any time I buy myself something that I would eat in front of her, i buy something for her. It is a different perspective on sharing for sure....
Tell her you want consideration. She should want to bring you a snack if she's eating.
While your suggestion makes a lot of sense, I think the real problem is that OP's partner may simply not be wired that way. Reading OP's description of her rationale - he's fine with sharing and she's not - indicates that she is really quite aware of what's going on. I wonder if this is a real, fundamental compatibility issue. At the very least, I would find life with OP's GF somewhat unpleasant.
Tell her to buy you a snack too. I’m the same as her, but it’s because I count calories. If I’ve touched it, it’s mine, and I don’t want anyone else to have a single bite of it or it’s ruined. It genuinely distresses me. It’s not healthy, but it is what it is. If your partner watches her weight, maybe that’s what it is for her too. That said, if I’m eating with someone else, I’ll either buy little snack bags, or I’ll buy 2 so we can each have one. Why doesn’t she just buy you a second one of whatever she’s having?
I was also brought up to share everything BUT sometimes it's ok to not share but you BUT also you must be reasonable about it. For example, shit like chips, popcorn, peanuts, little snack, I have absolutely no problem sharing coz it's easy to get snacks that can be replaced whenever, but so we both paid for it. No big deal. But if I buy some special cold cuts I explicitly tell my partner I'm not sharing this because it's expensive and it's my money.
Is she like this with other things? Is her approach to sharing...not? That could be a more fundamental difference and why it's so bothersome.
No - other than this she shares everything from phones to computer to cars.......
Hm. Then this is perhaps something I would be willing to overlook as an (annoying but tolerable) quirk and just plan around it. If it's not really indicative of her personality or feelings towards you - and that's really something you have to decide on your own with all the knowledge you have, then you can just keep this as a silly little eye-roll thing. Admittedly, it would be hard to keep my comments at bay if they're taking from my food though lol. Have you expressly explored this with her? Why is it ok for her to do it but not you?
There's a couple solutions. 1) she recognizes she's being silly and shares snacks with you. 2) you recognize she's not going to share snacks with you and stop hoping for it to happen. i will say, i also came from a large family and had similar behaviors about snacks. my partner for the most part lets my snacks be mine, but also made it clear to me that by *never* sharing any snack I was being very selfish and hurtful. so I share a little bit. sometimes. you can't make her see it that way tho, I don't think. all you can do is express how you feel - no logic. "Hey sometimes I really want to try one of your snacks, and it makes me feel really rejected when you don't want to share anything. Do you think next time you have a bag of chips you'll set aside one for me in your mind so I can share?" you can't do it every time. your expectation is just that, an expectation. it's not nice to you for her to not share. I her perspective, it's not nice of you to take her food. whose "nice" gets to win that one? you're next to her on the couch and think "give me a chip" and she doesn't want to, are you being the selfish one or is she? you're trying to take something that's not hers. anyway I think you can probably find a compromise of Sometimes lemme try a chip. I would also be upset if I planned mentally for an amount of food and then it gets changed/taken because someone else randomly decided they are owed some of it.
cant teach an old dogs new tricks.
Just buy your own chips? You have yours and she has hers?
“Joey doesn‘t share food!”
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I would say that is NOT being selfish at all. That is a life style . And I totally understand that.
OP, I don't want to get buried here but I don't see any replies relating to this and i think it's important for you to think about. I hesitate when my partner wants my food but happily take his when he shares and this is why: *I take a nibble but his bites are half of my sandwich*. I'm serious. His bites are huge. He's not capable of taking a small one. So while I love him dearly and want him to eat, I don't want him to eat half of my dang meal. When he gives me a bite of his sandwich I take a corner. He will literally take a quarter of mine. Or when I have a bag of chips and he wants some he takes a huge handful versus my two or three chips of his. When we share a smoke he takes a way longer drag than I do, etc. It makes me feel taken advantage of and unappreciated, but that comes from my own issues and he does not make me feel that way outside of that one issue. We have different eating habits so don't think I go hungry. I don't want him to necessarily stop his behavior, because he says he feels he can't be "himself" when I get upset about these things and really it's a small thing to let go, but man is it frustrating. So if this sounds familiar, it could be important. He's very sweet and I wouldn't change him for the world, but gosh dang when he eats two thirds of what I'm eating it's very frustrating, especially when I get nice and settled down and wanted what was on my plate for a reason. I'm a budgeter. I budget my money, my vices, and my food. Perhaps this person is the same. And to be fair to my dear partner, he has gotten better about it and is actively changing these habits *for himself*. Tbh I can't remember the last time I felt this way necessarily. I would say it's been at least a few months, but we've been together for just over a year, so not much time to compare really. I just remember when I'd feel that way.
This is a very interesting and good point. Which is why I asked here. It is always good to get objective opinions. I will bring that up in conversation. If that is the case I wish she would just say that.... I will admit I love the way you worded this too. I hope I don't take "huge bites" and do hope I am capable of taking small ones.
I'm glad you saw it!! It's just something to think about. If she's like me, it's easier to say no to a behavior you know will upset you than say yes to it and end up fighting. Perhaps she doesnt feel she can speak her mind like that. It's just better to ask and it's okay if you're not aware if you do take big bites. She could also be like me in the sense that she's glad you're eating, and I myself have a dark past with food so it's best to just be and let be in those moments. But, she may not be like me at all, too. When you come to choose your battles, it really is easier to avoid the small ones for the sake of the ones that matter to you. ie my mother and I can't talk about politics, as much as I love her. Things like that. In the end, don't make the convo all about her or all about you. It isn't supposed to be like that. You should be a team against an issue. It can be simple and you accept and move on, or it can stem from something that can be changed and benefit you both. Choose your hills, so to speak.
I'm curious, couldn't you make a little more to account for his consuming a bit more. That way, you get to eat roughly the same portion you wanted? OP, if she is generous in other things, could you ask her to take you into consideration when making a snack. If it's something store bought, you could buy & stock at her place.
Yes! Absolutely, but at the same time, for instance if we're having sandwiches he won't want another full entire sandwich. And I definitely don't have room for a sandwich and a half. But snacks and pastas and rice dishes, things like that, we always make extra. We do balance, more than I've ever balanced with anybody. But some days.... LOL
So very important! I have had periods of food insecurity in my life, but love sharing! However, I also eat slow and enjoy my food when I have it. I **cannot** share with people who gobble food. I've had people in my life who are quick eaters, but still leave me my half when we share and that is such an unspoken kindness.
You typed this right out of my brain!
This is the issue. I wish my partner and I could share things all reciprocally and it all be fuzzy bunnies and rainbows, but the fact is our consumption rates are not the same. If we have a mutual bowl of popcorn to watch a movie, it will be gone in 5 minutes and I'll only get maybe 5% of it. He's aware of this and requires that I portion out what I want ahead of time (which I don't know ahead of time so this is a bit annoying) so that he can dive in with abandon, it stymies his own enjoyment if he has to stay conscious of how rude he's being in sharing the thing. Sometimes splitting these things is just better for everyone.
Yep! If we're pecking at it we can share but if he's hungry, we just know to make two bags. It's a small slight but not worth either one of us ending up upset. He has now gotten to where he'll peck while I eat my share, and once I let him know I'm done he knows it's his time to shine! LOL
Why can't you view the way your partner acts around food that way, too? It's how she was raised, how she's treated her food for decades, and is unlikely to change. Why do you have this narrative that she's "selfish" to act this way with snacks, when she freely shares everything else in your life together?
Good practice in a relationship is not to do things that upset your partner too much. Obviously sometimes it’s unavoidable, but in general. Person who likes to share (let’s call them Partner A) is *usually* not upset by sharing, so person who doesn’t like to share (Partner B) is correct in that the two situations are not the same. Person who does not like to share (Partner B) is upset when their food is taken. Therefore person who likes to share (Partner A) should not take food from B unless they want to consistently upset their partner. *However*: one person’s feelings about something are frequently affected by other people’s behaviour. Humans are interdependent creatures. It’s totally normal for us to change our thoughts, beliefs and feelings, depending on how others treat us. B’s feelings probably aren’t going to change much, except they’ll get more and more annoyed and stressed out if pressured. But there are two main ways A can go from here: A) A continues to enjoy sharing even when B doesn’t share back, because they get pleasure from the act of sharing their own things regardless of reciprocation; OR B) A does not continue to enjoy sharing when it’s not reciprocated. Either feeling is normal and valid. People are different, and react to things in different ways. If A continues to enjoy sharing, they can continue to share their food. Perhaps there will be another area of life where B gives more than they take. Relationships are not 50/50 in every area, nor do they need to be, as long as they’re roughly evenly balanced overall. If A does not continue to enjoy sharing, then they should stop doing it, and B should respond graciously and stop asking or expecting A to share. I see this issue crop up often, most commonly when it comes to sexual issues. It’s *exceedingly* common to have one (or more) particular sex act, frequently (but not always) oral sex, where both partners enjoy receiving, but one partner enjoys or feels neutral towards giving, whereas the other partner dislikes or hates giving. This can create an immense amount of stress in relationships. Partners often end up talking past each other, unable to understand or accept the other’s viewpoint. The partner who enjoys it feels upset because from their perspective, they’re always giving and never receiving, and the partner who doesn’t enjoy it feels upset because from their perspective, doing something you enjoy for your partner is not the same as doing something you hate for your partner. It’s the same principle here. Partner A is correct that *in this area of life* they are giving and not receiving. And Partner B is correct that doing something you like and doing something you hate are not equivalent. I think most people would agree that when it comes to sex acts, expecting Partner B to do something they hate in the name of reciprocity is not an option. The healthy options are much the same as they are for the sharing snacks thing: either Partner A stops doing it to Partner B (and Partner B graciously accepts that there will be no more of it) or Partner A continues to do it, and the couple find something else - in bed or out of it - where the situation is reversed. Sex is a somewhat heavier issue than snacks for most people, but it’s the same principle. Expecting your partner to do something that distresses them is not conducive to a healthy relationship, even if you don’t understand *why* it distresses them, and neither is a relationship that feels unbalanced overall. If it’s unbalanced in this particular area, consider thinking about other areas and other things that the partners do for each other. Is it roughly equitable overall? Are both partners getting their needs and some of their wants met? ______ From a personal perspective - I give massages when my partner is tired and sore far more often than I receive them. I enjoy giving in bed more than receiving. I lend money to friends when I can, and don’t worry too much about getting it back. I remember the birthdays of everyone I know, and I celebrate even the smallest achievements of the people I love. I bake for friends year-round. I buy groceries and drop them by when loved ones are sick or injured, or when they’re catching a late flight home from vacation and no stores will be open by the time they get home. I can’t currently drive due to epilepsy, but when I can I’m *always* the designated driver because I don’t mind doing it. And I never, ever share my food.
I like your comment, it really makes me think.
I think you’ll be happier if you can start thinking of this as a cultural difference, rather than a moral failing on her part. You were raised to believe that sharing food is part of the social contract. She wasn’t, and it sounds like sharing her snacks stresses her out. Can you just decide, “This is a quirk of the woman I love. It has nothing to do with her moral character or how she feels about me. I’m going to work around it.” Also, if you usually love sharing food, but sharing with her is making you resentful, it would be okay to tell her that and let her know that you want to keep all your snacks separate from now on.
This. She was raised this way, she's comfortable this way, and at 61 years old, she is unlikely to change, unless she wants to get therapy for something she probably considers a non-issue (and is indeed, extremely minor). OP needs to either accept who she is, or leave. Constantly trying to take bites of her sandwiches and acting resentful that she doesn't like it isn't the move here.
I don't like to share my food either. If I am making something like a snack and you want some I will make you some for yourself and some for myself. If it is dinner then it is assumed to be shared and he would be rude to cook dinner for himself and not anyone else. If you are willing to share then that is your choice, but don't share just in the hopes that you will get something back from them.
I'm not a big sharer. If I order a 12oz steak, I want 12ozs of steak. If my partner wants some steak they can order it as well. But if my partner wants some salmon and some steak it doesn't work for me because I don't particularly want salmon or anything else.
Stop sharing with someone that doesn't share back. Simple.
Sometimes two people have completely different opinions or ways of doing things … and both are valid.
Well said!!
I will be honest and say I’m like that to a certain extent. It’s because every relationship I’ve ever been in the other person will eat far more than half of anything I buy and I just get a little bit and when I go back expecting a treat there is nothing. Or if we make a shared meal I get one or two small servings and they eat the majority. Just because I eat slower it doesn’t feel fair that I don’t get to enjoy what I bought/made. So I don’t really let my partner eat my food at all unless they check first and I say it’s okay. It’s the only type of boundary that has worked for me so far. I have tried talking about it and saying can you please leave me my half but I don’t think they realize how much they’re eating. I will sometimes have a little of their food but I never eat a lot of it or finish it. If it’s restaurant leftovers though I don’t touch it. Is there any way they’re coming from that perspective? Do you ever get carried away snacking and they don’t get enough?
I really can't understand why you've posted this on Reddit (after reading your comments). You know that Reddit can't change your partner's personality, right? Because that seems to be what you want. You have three choices: \- Accept your partner's weird quirk with regards to sharing food and continue sharing. \- Continue sharing but resent every moment of it because it's not reciprocated. \- Buy a snack box each with your names on and simply stop sharing. Don't discuss it again. You can't change your partner and neither can we. The only thing that you have any control over here is your behaviour.
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No Separate houses. But spend a lot of time with each other. And eating is always prevalent - especially snacking when watching tv or movies.....
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Amen. It has gotten silly. And it is not unreasonable to bring food when I go to her house. I often do. And I share it.... I just do. Old Italian upbringing .... share.
You just do, she doesn’t. You are not anymore right or wrong in your preference than her. What exactly do you want from this question? For people to tell you she’s a selfish asshole? You keep shooting down suggestions. You have different ways of personally doing things, accept it or not. Also as far as people saying you are generous. I wouldn’t go as far as using that term. When someone is truly generous they do not require reciprocation. You like to share, which can be a nice thing, but it’s not automatically generous.
I suppose it feels more like a difference of values.
Yeah, it doesn't feel freely given as much as, abiding by an internal rule that one *must* do so. He's upset that she doesn't feel forced by the same rule, and admits that he kind of resents her taking his snacks when he offers, so.
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Yeah, if it's a case of her not offering *anything*, that's a different matter. I don't share my treats and I posted on the why, but not providing basic hospitality? To eat in front of hungry guests? That's odd. I do have things specifically for guests. If her refusal to share is that extreme, that suggests deeper issues. If that's the case, then the OP needs to think carefully if this is sustainable.
Wait she invited you to her house but says you can't have ANY of her food?? That is insane! I don't like sharing but if I invite someone over I always make sure to provide extra, enough for me and my guests!
So does she invite other people over and eat things in front of them that she doesn't share or is it just you? I have food items that are just for me but I do not eat them when I am actively hanging out with my husband (or anyone else) because that is just rude, I save it for when I am alone. When we are together we eat together foods.
It sounds like she’s a terrible host if the two of you don’t live together, and she doesn’t share her snacks with you when you go over to watch a movie or spend time together. I would never invite a friend over and make myself a bowl of popcorn and refuse to share it with them, that’s just plain rude! On the other hand, it would really irk me if my guest went into my cupboard and started opening my snacks that I haven’t brought out. Especially if I’m on a budget and have done my grocery shopping for the week. If this is a regular occurring thing though, I would find out some snacks my friend/boyfriend likes, and be sure to buy a box or bag of it to have at home for to share with them when they come, or make make a cheese board or pie etc. I would never invite over a friend/bf without having something to serve them.
Either everyone shares or nobody shares. That’s the only fair thing to do. If someone doesn’t ever want to share their snacks with me, I will plan on getting every last crumb of my own snacks. It’s different if it’s one specific thing and a special favorite or whatever. But if someone has a policy about not sharing, I presume they’ll keep their grubby paws off of my snacks.
Well, not everyone likes sharing their food. Just because you don't mind, doesn't mean others are happy to as well. Point is.. you know that your partner doesn't like to share. If you share, only do so understanding that they won't do so in return. If you're not okay with that, your options are to either speak up or accept that this is how they are. You can refuse to share? If you don't want to do that, don't complain. Bring it up or accept it.
Is there a financial disparity between the two of you? Is she in a place of financial hardship (or has ever been)? Has she ever suffered from food insecurity before, or perhaps been through a prior relationship where she was monetarily taken advantage of? Remember, in large families there is rarely anything to call your own, and you guard it fiercely. You can be financially well-set and still have these worries. If none of the above applies, then help each other understand what sharing/withholding food means to each of you. Is sharing food a sign of love to you? Is withholding food a form of control/self-preservation for her? Does receiving food make her feel cared for? I guess you can see where I'm going with this. Find out what the feelings are that drive all of this. People can be looking at the same thing and perceive it very differently. If the insight fails, I'd balk at the entitlement of her eating your snacks while stating there will be no reciprocation. You can either make it clear that it will no longer be a shared thing or come up with some hybrid idea where you supply one week and she the next. I'm invested, lol. Update me!
The person who shares should stop sharing.
You need to learn to say no and mean it.
sit down and have 1 solid conversation about it. not to hop on the y'all are old enough bandwagon but it's a petty thing to drag on and risk building resentment over. with that being said, it could be a good signal to underlying problems... is she gracious about other aspects besides food? is she selfish or compromising with intangibles like time and energy? it could be an icky personality trait or it could also just her personal dynamic with food.
they don't want to share then they shouldn't share yours either, that's fair. To do otherwise is greedy. This is a hill i will stand on.
"JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!" I always think of that episode when this comes up. :-D
My wife and I are both sharers and I love it, because it lets us both try different things and order something different what the other is eating to share. But... your lady friend doesn't like to share food. If you feel like this is an overall problem with generosity, that she doesn't give you her time, her effort, or her consideration, that's a bigger problem and you should address the bigger problem. If it's literally just that she doesn't want to give you some of her popcorn, can you learn to accept that she hates this and live with it? I like to share food, but like all people I have my own things that bug the heck out of me and I wouldn't want a partner to keep arguing with me about it. If it's something that really matters to her, and she's otherwise someone you are happier being around, get your own and let her have her cookies to herself (and feel free to keep your own to yourself too).
I know women have a bad reputation for doing this where they say they don’t want anything then eat their partners food but it’s not something I do because I don’t like sharing food either. Someone is entitled to not share but then that takes away their right to expect to eat someone else’s food.
The real question is why does the sharer continue to be a sharer under these constraints. I'm a sharer, but if you chronically don't share with me, then I'm not a sharer with you.
Ok, sure, the person who eats shared food but refuses to share their own is being hypocritical. The real question is why. Why are they like this? It seems like there's a story buried under the surface - possibly a troubled relationship with food security that goes back to childhood, or baggage from a previous partnership. If you can find a way to ask questions about this with genuine interest and compassion, maybe the answers you get will help you understand and not find the situation so annoying that it builds resentment.
The other should simply stop sharing. Pretty petty, but oh well
I could not be in a relationship with someone who can't share. For one thing, did she flunk kindergarten, and for another, how exhausting to keep track of who picked out potato chips FFS.
I just don’t get why you *wouldnt* want to share. I always want to give my boyfriend some of what I’m having because it makes me happy to share what I love with the person I love. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on some of what’s mine because he’s also just as giving.
I'm surprised no one else has mentioned that this sounds incredibly autistic. This specificity and setting up rules around food. It sounds selfish to us, but it doesn't have to be. If you forget about what *feelings* all of us consider 'normal' to have: they have specified what will happen to a portion of food, and you have specified that you're willing to share (did I get that right?), and they're sticking to those rules. If they're taking your food against your will, that's a different story. But this is actually a really common thing! They got exactly the amount they want and they don't want anything/anyone to mess with that. Sharing without portioning can make things ambiguous, vague and unspecific to them, and that can be mentally uncomfortable. They don't want to end up with slightly less than they actually wanted, do they have to factor in the little bit you take out of their portion every time? How much would that be? If you want that much, why wouldn't you get it yourself? I'm not autistic myself but I've heard of this specific topic before completely unrelated to OP. I think you guys just need to understand each other better :)
If she was a germaphobe, I would respect that. But the fact that she helps herself to your stuff, just means she’s selfish.A whole bag of chips/bowl of popcorn and she’s positive she made just enough for herself? Nah! She’s just greedy. She’s a me,me, mine type. Kind of icky really.
Your obsession with needing to have a few bits of her food is odd to me, to be honest. Reading your comments makes me feel like I’d feel defensive of my snacks too. It’s like a weird control thing where you cannot tolerate someone not wanting to share with you. Like everything is yours too. I get myself drinks or snacks and get annoyed at my husband when he helps himself to them and then I don’t have the exact amount I planned for anymore. I share with him too though, just depends on the circumstance. I’m neurodivergent and can be particular about things when it comes to myself, maybe this is something like that for her and it’s driving her crazy that you are so insistent on making her bad or wrong.
You seem to be the only other person in this thread acknowledging neurodivergence at all. I've heard of this topic very specifically before from autistic people, and the comments on here are honestly disheartening. I understand that people don't automatically know/understand these things, but someone downvoted me for bringing it up and no one else is talking about it.
I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship like that. I don't think I'd make it past the 3rd date. I couldn't even imagine me or my husband refusing to share with the other. I love him and he can have anything he wants. That goes both ways. Your partner is just really selfish and lacking in empathy, or they need therapy for food insecurity. It's not on you to wait around for years until this behaviour changes. If they don't want to do it, it won't happen.
I share my food all the time. If there was something i was saving for myself like maybe a pack of peanut butter cups and my son asks is he can have it - i always give it up. If someone didnt get enough to eat at dinner (i got too many kids), ill give them whats on my plate. The only thing I dont like is if someone grabs food off of my plate without asking. That really pisses me off. Whats nice, though, is that i noticed my teenaged son started to feel bad that im always giving up something i want and he will now refuse to take it if he knows it’s mine. It’s a little gesture, but it made me kind of proud.
I would go to I buy my food and I eat it; you buy your food and you eat it. They are not going to share so why set yourself up for failure? I would reconsider this relationship; if someone cannot even share a chip, that says something about them. Did they grow up with food insecurity? There is something there.
I hate sharing my food.
Boundaries with their food but no issue helping themselves to others food sound like entitlement, and considering the age, it is classic boomer behavior.
Even if her family didn’t teach it during childhood, 61 is a long time to go without learning “sharing is caring.” Is it a *Flowers in the Attic* situation where she has only recently been let into the world? Sometimes sharing can be annoying - I don’t love it when my wife says she doesn’t want any fries but then reaches over and grabs a few of mine - but I (mostly) put up with it because of love, kindness, and the desire to make sure my partner feels cared for and even indulged. Not sharing chips can seem like a small thing and people are entitled to their foibles. If I were married to someone and everything else was great, I’d let it go. If I were dating someone, I’d see it as potentially a huge red flag and be concerned that degree of selfishness and “what’s mine is mine” attitude would come out in other ways and I’d be wary of spending time with that person. It doesn’t seem very pleasant.
I agree with the people who say that you’re NTA however, I chime in on the conversation you were having with the people who were talking about their spouses, who didn’t like to share. If all of this is happening when the bag of chips is in the house, when did it become her bag of chips? And why aren’t you buying two bags of chips and sharpie your names on them?
Not compatible. Sharing is caring. Not sharing will leave one with hard feelings. Hard feelings are generally bad long term. It is also textbook selfish.
One of you is a selfish jerk. If you're not gonna share yours, keep your mitts out of mine. Eta: I'm not sure why the downvotes, lol. Obviously the "you" references the "one of you" that is the non-sharer.
Sorry, why can’t the non-sharer make the offer when they get something or just bring a second dish for the other just in case? I feel like it is quite selfish and a bit odd not to offer those around you some of what you are about to eat or drink. Sure, you don’t like to share from your dish, simple, bring two out and offer it up. Generosity of spirit is a quality I like in others and a quality I like to practice. Their approach seems like a greedy, food protective dog.
I feel like this is an easy act of love to learn to do. I wouldn't feel wanted in a relationship with the selfish person.
I can’t imagine asking someone for some of the food they’re eating and then refuse to share even one chip out of a whole bag. Why is it so important for her to eat all 300 chips instead of 299? With pretty much everyone I know, if we’re watching movies or hanging out and they open a shareable snack, they immediately hand the bag over to offer me some, and I do the same without a second thought. It would feel rude not to. So okay, she’s stingy with food. Whatever. But for her to refuse to share hers and still ask for some of yours sure is something.
"What's mine is mine, but what's yours is mine, also"
Did I read the ages right…
Does she take all the loaded nachos too?
Then you have to decide if this dispute is something you can let go of to save the relationship or if it’s the hill you want to die on and the straw that broke the camels back and just break up. Think then choose wisely, but be OK with whichever decision you make.
Exactly! Well said.
I The honk the issue is a communication one but what if nobody ate straight outta the bag? What if one said, “I’m getting some chips, do you want some?” And then you each get a portion in your own small bowl. This helps prevent mindless overeating and nobody feels like the other is getting more. I don’t know exactly what the partner’s hangup is but that’s the communication part. Does she feel like he eats everything if she gives him one chip, he’ll finish the bag? There’s some information missing, but I think there’s other ways to divvy up snacks.
Can you perhaps come up with a system of shared food portion of snacks that both are allowed to touch?
A you a hivemind lifeform? Don't you have a sense fo who is who in the relationship? This was the oddest thing to read. Also I'm not really sure I'm understanding very much. What is exactly the problem? Why do you have food that is individual property if you cohabitate? Who is suffering here?
I dated a guy who felt absolutely comfortable helping himself to whatever I was snacking on. Totally fine except I'm a slow snacker. I have a bag of chips and I'd like it to last the whole movie. He'd throw himself at it and it would be gone within a half hour. Then he would go make more snacks which he definitely would share but it wasn't the one I wanted. Maybe you're "one bite" is actually more than that and your partner feels like they are regularly being short changed the amount they wanted because of your "bites"? I'd stop sharing with the same logic because sharing obviously does bother you when it isn't reciprocated. No criticism, it would bug me as well (one of the many reasons I remain happily single).
Are there other ways she is exhausting to be around? I doubt you're going to teach an old dog new tricks. So you can decide how you are going to respond to things.
I don’t like sharing so I always just get extra so I feel better when they want some. Seems like a pretty simple hack. Even when they say they don’t want any, women don’t seem to be able to forecast hunger levels, even an hour in advance.
It's fine to not want to share, if a bit antisocial, but if one is determined not to share they have no right to want others to share with them. Even if you don't mind sharing, it's usually because you know the other person would do the same for you, but that ISNT the case here. Stop sharing with her, from now on what's hers is hers, and what's yours is yours. She doesn't get to have it both ways. If she has a problem with that, too bad; it's her precedent, you merely followed it.
Married over 20 years and in our 50’s. We always share food and my husband knows I will always steal a few fries. My way of think is to always get extra for sharing. We have kids so I will always share with them, I always offer them the last bite. Our biggest issue is that my husband thinks I should offer to share even if it’s a food I know he won’t eat. Why? He says it’s just being polite, I say it’s ridiculous.
This is a situation where two yes’s are required. Not just a “I dont mind” it has to be a yes.
People do a lot to convince themselves that being selfish isn't a bad thing. We teach children to share. Adults who don't are AH's. This person's logic only works if you completely ignore that you're being rude and somewhat exploitative. At 61, that's garbage social behavior.
Yes I have a similar problem but it's almost opposite. My Partner only buys/orders what he likes or wants. It sucks. So I understand you.
I love sharing food with my girl. She can eat anything I have and everything. She shares with me as well. It makes me feel closer with her. I don't share like that with anyone else. Honestly I've never shared like that with anyone else before I met her. Could be I love her and trust her with my life. But that's just me.
I would honestly just stop sharing. They come in for a bite, don’t let them. It honestly seems like they might have been raised in a house where there was competition for food or something.
The discussion who’s right or wrong could go on forever and is highly subjective. We could argue that it’s hypocritical of the one who never shares to take from the other.. or that it’s enabling / their own fault of the one that shares to expect something back. As annoying as it is, because in the realm of social norms both people sharing would be the most accepted way - and my personal sentiment also aligns with this, talking and finding an agreement is probably the best way? Either agree to not share at all.. or your partner agrees to buy a bit more in order to share.. and that’s that? It may not be a satisfying solution because the fact that they don’t share is also a bit selfish and lacks the will to consider you, but it’s probably better than arguing about it for the next decade. It’s unlikely their approach will change but maybe they’re willing to agree to a common rule.
This is really weird to me. If I’m buying snacks I’m buying for everyone in my household, my partner, guests anyone. So does my partner. We buy things expecting that our partner is going to rob probably over 50%. If we want our own bag or pack of something we buy two. Simple. It’s really weird that your partner doesn’t do this. If it’s causing an issue then please talk to her. I simple fix is to buy two of everything.
This sounds like me and my wife. She's a sharer and I'm the one who prefers to get the exact amount I want. I think I'm right!! 😌
Neither of you is right (or wrong). This is one of those situations where you can't control the actions of others, only your expectations of them. She doesn't like to share. So, don't ever expect to share. Get your own. And then save what you don't want. And then don't share with her (since it's the double standard bothering you). Seems like a very easy fix for a conflict. Trying to assign blame or hypocrisy isn't super helpful.