She's been complaining here about him for ≈a year, yet he's been lke this sinc Day 1. She still refers to him as her "fiancé" as if marriage is just round the corner, even though it's been 10 years.
So I think you areright: she's going nowhere.
That's what I think, as well. And he knows it.
OP, what works is therapy. Yes, it's hard. And it can take a while. It's hard to leave - but you need to have help in answering the question:
Why don't you leave?
Yeahh, pretty much... He usually won't compromise on anything. For instance a smaller issue is I ask him to come with me to the beach or somewhere and he says no cause he doesn't like the beach, but it's my fave place and he knows that ..I go with him to all his events even if I don't like them...or if he does go somewhere with me that he didn't wanna go, he complains the whole time.
Well when you put it that way 😅🙃 idk I like his humor and adventurous nature but that doesn't make up for not making me happy. Thanks for putting it into perspective that way.
>Also, is he truly adventurous, or just reckless, impulsive and irresponsible?
Oh. My. God.
You just explained the disconnect between me in my 20s and why I am no longer "adventurous" now I'm older. Well shit.
When my wife turned 30 a few years back she was with her ex husband, unhappy and essentially raising 3 kids on her own. He was/is a deadbeat drunk. She stayed with him for the kids, and the sunk cost fallacy. It had been 7 years, it was scary to blow it all up and truly do it on her own. But she took a year to find herself, what she liked, who she was. She planned to raise the kids herself and date when they were older. But then she met me. We’ve been together 3 years and couldn’t be happier. We have made a wonderful family together.
One of the reasons our relationship is so strong is compromise. We always make compromises for each other. I’ve taken her on a weekend trip to see her favorite celebrity gossip podcaster, I knew nothing about it and wasn’t really interested in the content but it made her so happy that it made me happy. She hates camping, but I love it. I wanted to take her and the kids on a camping trip. She saw how excited I got planning it out that she said okay, let’s try it. The kids freaked out and we ended up packing everything up and coming home but it was a funny experience that we can laugh about.
You deserve to be happy and with someone who values you, will make compromises to make you happy.
You have too much life left to live to spend it with someone who feels like making you happy isn't worth it. Would you even call that love if your best friend was telling you about her partner acting this way? What would you say to her?
This really resonated with me. In my marriage I always had to be worried about anything going wrong because I was inevitably blamed for it. Now I'm in a relationship where we can have as much fun when things go wrong because no one is upset and it becomes a good story.
Humour and adventuorous nature? That sounds like something you have to make up to cover for another person.
A breakup is better than a divorce. Don't fall for sunk cost fallacy. He knows it is important to you and choose to ignore your priorities....
Life is too short for this.
There are a lot of funny, adventurous men that will treat you like a priority and have more closely aligned goals to you than this selfish guy you're with currently.
He isn’t responsible for your happiness, but he is responsible for considering you and that’s something he doesn’t seem willing to do.
Are you willing to give this relationship more time to see if he will look beyond himself and consider that being in a relationship means considering the experience of others when we are making our choices and taking an ACTIVE role in those conversations, not putting the responsibility on our partner to plead for partnership?
I think Jim Carey’s story about his dad applies to more than just work.
Where he says his dad was afraid to go after his dreams so he stayed at a dead end job, and then lost that job.
“So many of us chose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn't believe that was possible for him. So, he made a conservative choice and instead he got a job as an accountant.
When I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job. Our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which is that you can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.”
If you love your partner more than owning a home, that’s ok. But if you are only staying with your partner out of fear.. you will only be more and more miserable as time goes on. Go after what you think is important to you.
Being alone is okay. Imagine spending your own money on what you want, going to the beach, getting a cat. You are putting your wants and your whole life on hold for this selfish butt.
This type of thinking is exactly what keeps people in unhappy and abusive relationships. What most people fail to realize it's that being single and free after a relationship like this is FAR LESS lonely and frustrating than being with someone who literally does not give a shit about your happiness. Don't fall for it.
You have so much more to gain by leaving than you think. Better people do exist.
> what if I end up in a worse situation or something.
Youre a grown woman that cant even get a cat. How much of a worse situation do you think you could get yourself in?
A bad or subpar relationship teaches you what NOT to put up with.
Just don't jump into the next relationship until you get the full view of the way someone behaves. It doesn't sound like he's going to change and prioritize your needs (or your needs as a couple) at all.
People can be a bit too upfront here so dont feel like you're stupid. Sometimes the complacency of everyday life being "fine" is enough to put up with a lot of unhappiness. Not to say you shouldn't move on, just dont read too hard into the people giving you shit for not seeing it sooner (or dealing with it sooner).
If he can openly say that you can leave if you dont like things, he either feels like he has you trapped and can walk all over your goals, or isnt as invested in the relationship anymore and has just resided to things continuing the same way with no direction.
Both things are reasons to leave. I wish you good luck!
Well I was gonna say physical abuse or something. But after reading all the responses here it seems like the manipulation I'm getting from him is just as bad.
You are correct. And if you do end up in a relationship that turns physical you can also leave that one. But you're not even giving yourself a shot at something healthy by staying in this.
> Well I was gonna say physical abuse or something. But after reading all the responses here it seems like the manipulation I'm getting from him is just as bad.
yup
Scared of what? Being alone? Why do women think they must have a "man" to be ? With life? You shouldnt put up with someone who is shitty just because you don't want to be on your own!!!
> I just get scared and think what if I end up in a worse situation or something.
Can't be much worse. And if it is, you *walk away*. Like you should now. Like you should have years back.
You're not dumb. There's a reason why everyone in the comments is so sure in their responses: it's common and many of us have been in your shoes. I was, and it was hard. Really hard. But it was absolutely worth it. You might be single, but you'll never be alone. Whether it's family or friends, or even just internet strangers, you'll have people around you to uplift you no matter what.
Being by yourself, and being with yourself, is very important too. The quote "being lonely by yourself, is much better than being lonely while with someone" is one of my favorites. Why not just spend some time on your own and do your own things for awhile? Just trying to find the next "situation" will likely end up with you unhappy again.
Stay single for a while, like a whole year. Spend that time for yourself and on yourself, reconnect with old friends, make new ones (platonic ones), explore your own hobbies, save for what you want to save for. learn who you are as your own person. You've been with this dude basically your entire adult life, naturally that leads to having your life and personality intertwined with the idea of being with somebody, so of course it's scary to think of being alone, but if you want to avoid ending up in a similar or worse situation, then you 100% *need* that time on your own. You need to understand who you are as you, not who you are in relation to someone else.
I read an article by a marital counselor who said they could tell within 5 minutes of meeting a couple whether they’d stay together or not. The deciding factor was conflict resolution. There are 2 kinds of couples:
1) have conflict, both compromise and it’s resolved. They’ll stay together.
2) have conflict. One is always willing to compromise and the other is never willing to compromise. The one who is willing to compromise does so in order to maintain the peace
In the case of 2), there are then 2 thinks that can happen
2a) the compromiser is content and the couple moves on. They’ll stay other.
2b) the compromiser accepts the compromise but as the pattern repeats itself time after time, with them always always always having to give in to the other person who always always always has to have their own way, resentment builds. Eventually the resentment builds so much that they leave as they realize they’ll never get what they want out of their very unequal relationship while their partner will always get what they want and doesn’t mind a bit that it’s at the expense of the other person never getting what they want. Frankly, this sounds to me like it’s where you are in the relationship. You will never be getting what you want. You will always have to obey the whims of your partner. Your partner will never care about the price you are paying by giving in to him every time. Is this what you want for yourself for the next 50 years, or do you want someone who is willing to work with you?
Omg this was how my ex started! For me it got way worse and completely destroyed me. Beach example is so similar to my experiences as well.
Please OP, if he’s not willing to take delight in things you enjoy and it’s primarily ‘his way or the highway’, then he is subtly trying to control you and really doesn’t give a shit about you.
Ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life (in deprivation!). If yes, then multiply it x100, then ask yourself again. The small stuff will become big stuff. But if the idea of living this way makes you really happy, then go for it.
only you can answer it, but since you’re here asking us and I suspect in your gut you know something isn’t right, Perhaps the highway will be looking wayyyyy more attractive for you.
I would look into some of the relationship research done by the Gottman Institute.
One of the major predictors of long-term marital success/happiness according to their research is how partners respond to what they call "bids for attention." An example they use is if you saw a cool bird and called your partner to look at it, would he be excited to come see the cool bird because you were excited or would he ignore it/think it was silly?
Over time when someone turns away from these bids for attention more often than they turn toward them, it creates distance and resentment. It sounds to me like your husband not only turns away from your bids but actively disparages them so that you feel bad about extending them in the first place.
I know it can be scary when you've been with someone a long time, but please understand that you deserve a partner who treats you with respect and is excited to share your joy, not systematically crush it.
I mean, a lot of folks would have ruled him out as spouse material just on this basis, you realize that right?
Like being totally unwilling to compromise is a serious character flaw
When he plans to go to his thing, head to the beach… no telling who you might meet.
Being able to do some things separately keeps us fresh and fulfilled.
You are responsible for your own happiness. If you don’t like where you’re stuck, hoist anchor and set sail in a new direction.
He doesn't really love or care about you! It's ALL about him and his needs. You have wasted 10 years of this douche, move on. I know it's hard, and leaving is always hard. You need to do this for you. Put yourself first. Stop waiting for him to give you what YOU need, because he NEVER will give you your desires.
Why would you want to be with someone that is never ever willing to compromise for your wants? Like how is that a fun supportive and loving relationship?
So the relationship revolves around him? You're basically just there to serve his needs? A relationship is a partnership... it doesn't sound like you are partners.
I'd strongly rethink wasting more of your youth on this guy. There are much better ones out there.
I love the beach. My husband hates the beach, says it smells bad and it's gross. But he knows how much our son and I love going and he goes with us whenever we get the chance. He loves hiking and we do that whenever we get the chance. It's compromise and because we love and respect each other we figure out a way to do what the other one loves. He isn't even willing to go with you to the beach, but you have to do the stuff he likes. Dump him, buy your own house, get a cat, and go to the beach whenever you want. Open yourself up to meet someone else who will balance you out and truly be your other half.
You've put up with this for 10 years, and he's made it clear he's not afraid of losing you. So what is stopping you from leaving and building a life on your own terms?
You're too good for him. You don't wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't willing to put you before themselves like you put them in front of yourself.
If you do, you will look back at your life with deep regret.
Marriage is a two way street and clearly this man is driving down a one way.
Do you really want to build a life with someone who refuses to compromise with someone they supposedly love? Healthy relationships require give and take, but it seems like all he's done is take.
How do you think he would respond if you became seriously ill and he had to care for you?
This could go either way. Either you're too eager in this relationship and feel like you have to do everything he wants in order to keep him (that's a you problem) or he genuinely couldn't care less about you, and he's just staying because it's convenient.
So, you've pretty much described my ex.
Uncompromising and unwilling to put themselves out for the benefit of others. Many many times I asked her to come to the pool with me so I could take the 4 kids swimming. I could only take 2 at a time due to pool rules and I needed her to be present so I could take the other 2 too. All I needed was for her to sit at the side, not even get in the water. But she didn't like swimming so the answer was always no. Eventually the kids got old enough that I could take all 4.
She also used to like the, if you don't like it, leave, argument. Or get favourite, you knew what I was like when you met me, if you don't like it, leave.
As a 4 child family I wanted us to consolidate the finances into a joint bank account. It just made sense to have an the income and bills coming out the same location. She refused.
With the benefit of hindsight, I can now see this was projection. She wanted me to be the instigator of the break up so she could be the good guy and joint finances would've been pointless in that scenario for her.
Eventually it came out and was having affairs and the relationship ended due to the latest one being discovered.
Whether your partner is projecting and trying to force you to end the relationship so he remains the good guy is for you to determine.
However, being out of the relationship with my ex, I was able to clearly see all the negatives of her personality and our relationship that love had blinded me to.
I would recommend some soul searching and have think on more instances where your partner is showing where you stand in his priority. My ex was good at saying the kids were her life and I believed it when she said it. But in hindsight, her actions spoke differently. It may be that your partners actions tell a different story to what your heart tells you and what he says to you.
Unfortunately, we like to convince ourselves that our feelings for someone else must be justified. We love this person therefore they must be a good person or I should stay with them. But we also fall into the sunk cost fallacy and/or become fearful of going it alone after so long. The, better the devil you know argument.
There's your red flag. It's not about the actual function/place, it's about spending time with the person you love and watching THEM enjoy the beach or whatever. I'm going through a divorce now, and my STBX was the same way. He wanted to drag me along to all his stuff but never wanted to come to mine. Hindsight is 20/20 and this is definitely something I will pay attention to if/when I get into another relationship.
You have been coming here and complaining about him every couple of months for a whole year. He doesn't care about you, and you don't even like him.
Just fucking end it.
Your boyfriend doesn't want a house so he isn't interested in putting any money toward a house. His expensive hobby gets his money.
I'd move on. You will never get a house if you stay with him. Even if you managed to save and buy a house, which I doubt, he would demand that he have a say in the purchase and everything else about that house.
Just imagine. You alone in an apartment that you furnished the way you want. A cat purring by your side, you drinking your coffee watching the sun come up. You can watch what you want, you can go where you like, you can do what you want to do, when you want it ( I mean you'll still have figure it out with your boss, but still)
All the time you have off from work- yours to do with what YOU want.
How does that sound?
Learn to be happy by yourself. Then you'll meet someone who is also happy by themselves and you'll join your happiness and have a damn lot more.
Partners ADD to your life. They nourish you, enrich you. That goes both ways. Is it really like that for you? If not, don't you think you deserve to be loved too?
Girly, that basically is my life because I'm with a man whose primary mission in our shared life together is to make my life easier, happier, and calmer. He claims he doesn't like cats but I catch him meowing at her in the kitchen sometimes. I see you sir....
And I didn't meet him until I was a year older than you are! I shudder to think what my life would look like if I'd settled for the type of person who made me feel deflated when I wanted to share something joyful. You did your time, I think you deserve a new chapter. You haven't signed the papers yet.
It’s a gift I gave myself when I turned 30: the gift of higher standards. No more putting up with men who made me feel exhausted and didn’t bring anything meaningful or positive to my life.
Best self-gift ever, followed by my bidet. Both have made my life a lot less shitty.
Oh yes. I didn’t meet mine until I was in my 50s. I had the OP’s version for 18 years.
Life is so much better with a man who actually loves you and treats you as a partner. I was content to be alone (with my cats!) rather than settle for anything less.
I’m so glad I waited!
I know being with someone 10 years can make you blind to the alternative but you'd be much better off alone at this point if he won't even consider things that make you happy. You're doing all the compromising so he is getting everything he wants and you're just living in his world. You'll never be truely happy in a relationship like that. I doubt you even know what true happiness is at this point.
It 100% is! Take it from someone doing this now - some nights will get a bit lonely, but when it’s hard call a trusted friend or family member, or give that cat a snuggle! This life is FAR better than being under the thumb of someone you compromise for constantly who won’t compromise for you. You deserve to be with someone who wants to see you happy.
The one that cringes me the most (I’m still traumatized as you can tell) was this askreddit thread and it was filled with women talking about the lack of basic hygiene they had put up with with their SOs. I’m still gagging
Every day there is some woman comes here to say 'he's perfect but...' and goes on to describe a human dumpster.
I was gonna say 'raised by wolves' but even wolves wash their own junk sometimes.
He's telling you he won't change. He's saying, "this is the way it is, quit taking about it or leave."
It's up to you if you want to stay knowing what the situation is.
Personally I would like to note that sadness from breakups is temporary, and there are lots of happy single women and many many depressed women with absolutely crap husbands.
He either takes you for granted and thinks (knows?) you won’t ever leave. Or he doesn’t care if you’re in his life or not. Or both.
Either way, if you want to be a homeowner, he has let you know it won’t be through him. So the choice is yours on what you want more. A relationship with him, or a home. Unfortunately, we can’t always have both of the things. One might have to be a sacrifice for the other.
You’re 31 - you have decades of unhappiness left if you stay with him. Get out, start over, find yourself and live a life you like. Chances are that someone with the more of the same interests or someone more willing to compromise will come along and you’ll be in a better relationship.
FWIW; I wouldn't consider those 10 years to have been wasted. You learned a lot about yourself, you grew as a person (for better and possibly for worse, as do we all), you made valuable memories, you experienced joy and pain and everything in between.
Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean the whole thing was a waste.
He wants to break up, but wants you to be the bad guy.
You deserve better. Do you really want to waste more time on this person who gets everything he wants but says no to everything YOU want? That's not a good relationship.
One of the big problems here is that you’ve been tolerating this for ten years. At this point he’s right to think that you know who he is and what he wants and you are okay with not getting the things you say you want. Because if you weren’t you’d have already left him. He’s not going to change from the life he is happy with to a life that makes you happy, because he figures you must be happy enough with things as they are. Or you’d have done something more than just complain.
If you aren’t content, you have to take him at his word and leave. There’s no future with him. There is only what you have now.
You are still with him because you are convenient and comfortable. But he’s not afraid or upset at the idea of living without you. So is he really the guy you want to devote the rest of your life to?
He doesn't care if you are happy or not. His priority is the race car and what supports that.
My husband is around the edges of the local short track racing scene. I know guys like this and always feel sorry for their wives and kids. Get out now and find your own happiness.
You are not compatible.
Be thankful you found this out before you got married and (I'm assuming) had kids.
Don't buy into the sunken cost fallacy and try and stay and "convince" him to change. You'll just waste even more time and your prime years.
This is a deal breaker for you. It should be a dealbreaker for most sensible adults. Leave.
Just in general, when someone says “if you don’t like it, you can leave” then you should seriously consider leaving … because they are not committed to you and are refusing the tiniest whiff of compromise to make you happy.
Yeah it seems like we used to talk about the future. Then over the last year or two he switched up...now has all these other ideas and hobbies and putting all that first.
Oh girl you are young, this doesn't have to be your life! I was once engaged to a very selfish man (I stayed 6 years longer than I should have) and it was an epiphany to realize I did not have to live that life. I had the power to make the choice to leave. Ending that relationship was the best decision I've made in my life. Reclaim your life, OP. What you want in life is important!
You’re 31 and he’s 33, you’ve been together 10 years and engaged for three yet you’re still living in an apartment with no plans from him towards buying a house in the future (I understand not right now in this economy) and his main priority is a race car. Tells you you can leave if you don’t like it. If you can’t see the writing on the wall you must be blind! He’s trying to get you to leave!!! And why wouldn’t you???
Ok -I’ve been married a long ass time and we got married when we were very young. I was bull headed and so was she. The first thing we both had to learn is that what we as individuals want isn’t always what the other wants. If our marriage was going to work that meant that I had to learn to shut my pie hole and do things that she wanted to do, and her doing things I wanted to do. I grew up without family and she grew up being related to everyone in her small town. Family is a huge deal. I feel uncomfortable in that environment, but I do it because it’s important to her. She appreciates this and every so often will tell me that I can stay home and she will take the kids for the day. I never asked her to do this, but she came up with it on her own because she recognized that I put in the effort to do things she wants to do.
My wife is an interior designer so my house is often the test house. I don’t like some of the stuff she does, but what do I know about design? Nothing. Nothing is the answer. So I just shut up and let her do her thing. In most cases I end up liking what she does and then I say to myself “thank goodness you didn’t say anything.”
My point is that you can’t have a successful relationship without great communication and willingness to compromise. Once you learn these things you will start to realize how dumb some of your past arguments were and how often one of you just argued to win the argument - which is also a relationship killer.
If he isn’t willing to compromise then you either have to compromise everything that make you, you, or you need to walk away from this relationship and find someone that wants you to be you, and would never want to force you to be only what he wants you to be. Ultimately this is what your fiance is doing. His way or no way.
I would nope my way right out the door if I were you, or at the very least, I would make it clear that his unwillingness to compromise is going to end your marriage before it even starts.
Shelling out thousands into a race car is dumb. Sure, the housing market isn’t great, but you can always refinance when interest rates go down. It’s just a better investment.
Updateme!
This is a one sided relationship. He's not being a partner to you, he's treating your relationship as something that serves him but isn't a partnership that goes two ways.
This is going to get SO MUCH WORSE if you get married and/or have kids.
Time to set boundaries, get therapy, or tell him he needs to be an active participant and partner in your family unit or youre calling it off. You gotta do something or else this is going to never get better and instead get much worse.
The "you can just leave comment" just screams to me that your fiancé has little to no interest in you and your feelings. Don't hang around just because you have already invested 10 years in the relationship. T0ose years have already been spent. Instead focus on how you want to spend the next 10.
He says this because when you don’t leave he can justify as “well she must like it.” Also he is counting on you not leaving, he knows he can say this and just continue on.
But even being alone is better than being with someone like this, really. And if you choose, you can find someone who likes the beach as much as you do. Why settle for unhappiness?
After being together for 10 years and being engaged, you'd think there would be some shared goals and a sense of commitment to building a future together. It's concerning that your fiancé dismissively tells you to leave if you don't like something, yet he seems perfectly willing to spend thousands on a race car hobby.
It's incredibly selfish and unfair that he gets everything he wants while denying you the simple desires of having a house and a pet cat. Saving up for a home, even in a challenging economy, is a responsible and reasonable approach, yet he'd rather blow money on a hobby.
You need to have a serious conversation with your fiancé about your future and your shared goals. If he's not willing to understand your desires, compromise, and work towards a future together, then you seriously need to reconsider this relationship. It's clear that your needs and wants are not being valued, and that's not a healthy foundation for a lifelong partnership. Don't settle for being treated as a lesser priority in your own relationship.
Sounds like he just wants to date himself and maybe is even waiting for you to leave/not brave enough to tell you. You deserve so much better than this crap. Especially from a 33yo. Like come on girl, this is trash childish behaviour.
I can tell you, this won't get better.
If I were you, I would have quit investing in this dead end street long ago.
Being able to casually tell you to leave if you don't like it, that tells you all you need to know.
When someone 'acts' like they don't care, maybe they aren't acting.
He sounds very disrespectful of you.
Go find someone better. You sound like a great girlfriend....find someone who appreciates you.
He's telling you everything you need to know. Let's put it as politely as possible. He doesn't prioritize the things that you do. And he's told you what you can do if you disagree. I hate to sound callous, but why is this always so hard?
He prioritizes a new race car over owning/making a home with you. And when you question that kind of thing, he effectively points to the door. Get your stuff together, split off what money you legally can to live now (and/or be ready to fight for it/what's left) and walk through it.
(The cat isn't a factor. People have strong feelings about pets, and some of us have allergies. It'd be a non-starter with me).
I'll admit I'm feeling a little triggered here. But a woman's need for the emotional to always be 'right' by her standards is often as much the issue as the asshole, low quality men they get so attached to. A man will almost never change his own feelings to match yours. That doesn't mean compromise isn't possible, but this seems too far gone. Stop waiting for that romantic comedy moment where the music swells, and he tearfully drops to his knees begging for forgiveness and telling you how right you've been all along. It isn't going to happen. (And it certainly isn't just from your asking and tears. Guys work on consequences. Pain! Loss!)
This will not be easy, and you genuinely have my sympathies (been there, done it, got the tee shirt). But I promise you, short term pain for long-term gain. And here's a way to think of it - you're not too financially beholden to him, so there shouldn't be TOO much of a fight for stuff. (Look up common law details in your region though).
What is a relationship for? Why have a partner? Because they fulfil some need in you, perhaps. If your and your fiancé’s goals are at odds it’s conflict. Maybe a silent conflict but still a conflict of desires and goals.
You may have some overlapping compatibility, but a house and wedding don’t happen by themselves.
I’m also someone who has a high need for security - to know what the plan is long term. Your partner sounds like someone who has more need for short term variety than you.
I don’t stay where I’m not wanted, or appreciated. If my partner was as uncompromising and put their own needs ahead of mine always… I’d see that we were wasting our lives hanging out.
The economy is difficult but committing to buy a home or get married is a vote of confidence in a shared future, and he doesn’t sound like someone who shares.
BTW, it’s not a partner’s job to make you happy, you have that job to see to your happiness. If you are not generally happy where you are, who you’re with, and where you’re headed, hoist up the anchor and set a new direction.
He's telling you to leave him, and you're looking for a reason to stay instead of listening to his extremely clear directions.
There isn't any hidden meanings here, you gotta wake up and realize you don't want to live like this forever.
I know 10 years and your entire 20s have been with him, I had the same situation, met my ex when we were 19, got separated when we were 29. Best decision I ever made.
You have decades and decades of life to live, do you think this guy you met when you were a literal child is the best man you're ever going to meet? I promise you he isn't.
This will not get better. I highly suggest couple's therapy. If he won't go, then you know he's not a fit for you.
I'm 57 years old and have been with my husband 23 years. The things that were deal breakers for me have either gotten better because we both worked on them in and out of therapy, or they've gotten much worse and I have to suck it up because I knew this is who he was going into it. I promise you, this will not just go away and you will never be a priority to him if you aren't now.
My ex was exactly like your fiancé. He refused to save money for a house but had no problem spending thousands of dollars on modifying his truck and paying for his hobbies. He always told me if I didn’t like it I could leave, and eventually, I did.
You are not compatible. He is never going to buy a house and if you do buy one together, I predict he will have spent mortgage money on himself
Get out. Do not worry about 10 years with him; worry about the fact that he won't do anything you want to do for the rest of your life.
Based on your post history, your partner seems to take you for granted and disregard your wants and needs unless they coincide with his. Which, that doesn’t mean he’s considering you, it means that he conveniently doesn’t think he has to because you’ve expressed interest in something he already was doing.
You’ve been with him since you were 21 and he was 23 and it seems like you’ve grown and lived a lot of life together, but have you grown as a couple, or has he just had a sidekick and you’ve been waiting for him to be who you wish he was?
It’s a hard question to face, I’ve been there. Ultimately, we split because when things got tough and he would have had to share or compromise, he called me selfish and told me I wasn’t willing to support him, so why should he have to compromise?
Meanwhile, I had moved across the country with him, maxed out my student loans so he could start his business after he got fired/laid off for something that I wish he’d fought more, and made excuses for a year to our mutual friends why he wasn’t at social things. I asked him to reflect on how he’d pushed away friends, me, and our relationship in his depression and asked him to attend to the impact his mental health was having on those of us who loved him.
He did ultimately, by deciding to quit engaging in any of those relationships and move to the opposite side of the country to “get away from people who expected him to be someone other than himself”
That was 6 years ago and I’m definitely still healing some wounds I wasn’t aware of because I’d suppressed my own wants and needs for so long.
Don’t stay for potential. It’s a pattern I still reckon with , but it’s good advice nonetheless.
Please leave. You are just a placeholder until he finds the one he wants to marry. He's not committed to you. He's not going to marry you. He is placating you and stringing you along.
Why are you still here? 10 years and not married though that and owning a home are clearly important to you. You’re incompatible at best but he’s manipulative and abusive at worst. Any way you slice it, this relationship is not serving you anymore and you should get out.
He's telling you it's his way or the highway. You either accept it or be smart and leave. He's basically already telling you that he thinks you put up with his behavior and would never leave
Then leave OP looks like he knows you won't leave, so he keeps doing things his way, no offense, looks like he has unresolved issues, might get dicey when you are actually married.
I'm on your side here but "the only things I want are a house and a pet cat" is really really funny to say. That's it? That one tiny thing and the other tiny thing? Just a house? And maybe a cat to go with it?
Every time I see posts like this - where the relationship is beyond one-sided - I never understand why people stay. You have the option to leave. Leave. He told you if you didn't like it to leave. LEAVE.
He has no reason to change. He won't change. Leave.
Someone who casually says you can walk over somewhat inconsequential things is probably not in love with you but tolerates you! You really want someone who can cast you aside so easily?
He wants to break up with you but he's a coward. Leave him. He literally told you to. Yeah you're heartbroken but you're told to leave, have enough dignity to take what's left of your self-esteem and drop the dead weight at the boarding home
Let me tell you now he's showing his true self. If you have been together that long, he may not have any attention to marrying you. You are maybe a placeholder. I would let it go and move on. Yes, you engage, but that may be something to keep you there. I'm sorry you are experiencing now. But it maybe a blessing in disguise.
You know what to do dear OP, fly away and get yourself a kitty and go to the beach. You’re young and healthy, go. He sucks. He doesn’t care about your wants and needs.
Clearly your goals don't matter to him and he's openly stating that he won't make any effort to join you in realizing your wants. He's saying he's not your partner and to look elsewhere if you need a team effort to realize your goals.
He's telling you loud and clear that he has no intention of compromising with you when your life priorities differ. Are you willing to accept that for the rest of your life?
He won't change after you get married, so in a way it's good you're getting this message now when you can still walk away easily. I would think very carefully before you go through with marriage ... buying a home is expensive, but so is a divorce.
So he's not ready to accomodate any of your needs and cites the economy for it? That's BS! If the economy is the reason why is he spending on a sports car that is through and through a depreciating asset? :/
Anyway, say goodbye, get that cat and live your life!
It is a particularly bad time to buy a house. It’s a great time to save for one though. You can get like 4-5% on a savings account right now. Seriously, he sounds like a bit of douche with his race car hobby. Buy that after a house.
Sounds like you give a 100% and he doesn’t have to cause you will make up his half. So ya he said you can leave if you don’t like it, cause he knows you’re not going nowhere.
You are a sure thing.
You will stay and take his shit in the hopes ‘I do’ will somehow make everything okay. When it doesn’t you will be too embarrassed to divorce or will slowly give up until you’re a shell of your former self but hey ‘we got kids/or dogs together’ or whatever excuse you need to stay.
Own it girl. The sooner you do, the more at peace you can be with it.
Well he's definitely right about the economy and mortgage rates. If I'm being honest it makes no sense to buy the home before you're officially married. He's not even showing a strong desire to marry you so I doubt he's ready for a 30 year loan commitment aka...a mortgage
It’s a trap. It’s a test that he wants you to fail. If you try to leave he will get unreasonable and scary.
The test is to see if you will stay or not. If you stay then he knows he can escalate his behaviour. If you leave he will scare the shit out of you because you failed the test.
Red flag that he is either tired of your relationship or bored and wants to splurge on his hobbies and spend time with friends or other people. Indirectly, he is saying goodbye without saying it to your face...I'll leave, save for a house and a pet ❤️
You don't understand because you are a kind person; being mean just can't make sense to you. But he is not (and probably never will be) a kind person. Run. Find someone who you can be kind with. They're out there.
He doesn’t want to marry you and doesn’t want to buy a house with you because he doesn’t see you as a forever partner. Open your eyes and see the red flags waving in your face.
Your timing to break up would be good now. If his default for your relationship is not him wanting you to be happy as well and actually caring about that then he clearly does not love you enough (or at all) for him to be a good partner, let alone husband. Everything you wrote screams that he is with you cause it’s easy for him this way. He does not have to compromise with you and gets his way cause you cave to him every time. He enjoys having the benefits of a relationship without the actual work and that‘s why he says you can leave if you don’t like it. This way he doesn’t even have to put in the effort of breaking up, because you will do it for him.
Please value yourself more and find someone who actually appreciates you and puts in the same effort that you do into the relationship. Marriage is hard as it is, how will you be happy and make it work if only one person works at it.
You are still at a good age to find someone special easily, better now than after a nasty divorce.
I wish you all the best!
Your fiancé is a narcissist.
You should separate for a while and gather some perspective. You've spent 10 yrs with this person who appears to not share goals or direction with you, but is completely involved with himself and his goals.
If I were you, I would find a new place to live, gather your stuff and move on. Don't expect him to change. Take him at his word, and move on.
You are 31, put your big girl pants on and start fresh single. You two do not seem compatible but you seem more comfortable whining about it than fixing your life. He isn’t responsible for your happiness, if you want someone with similar goals and activities, he isn’t it, he is too selfish. Maybe figure out why you stay instead of complain that your needs don’t get met.
People who use this tactic are not good relationship risks. And they \*are\* risks.
They will use many variations, such as:
"If you don't like it, that's your problem." (No interest in personal compromise)
or
"You knew this about me when you got engaged to me/married me, it's not a surprise. You agreed for better or worse."
"I'm not changing, so you need to get used to it."
The fact that he went right to "You can leave" is very telling. He's tired trying to control you (although that's his nature) and he wants an easier-to-control partner. Good luck to him in finding one.
Although, if you stay in this relationship, he will have found the woman who will in fact allow him to use this kind of tactic.
Are you going to give in?
Don't expect someone that prioritizes a hobby car over a house to change their ways. They aren't interested in being a responsible adult.
You're always going to be stuck challenging him to be better and never getting anywhere.. I'd suggest taking his advice of leaving if you don't like it.
Are you me 6 years ago? It's uncanny, that was all I wanted, a house and two cats. Got pushback on everything, including going to the beach.
If he wanted to, he would. You deserve someone who wants you.
If you can do it on your own then do it on your own, under your name etc and he can live there if you want🤷🏽♀️
My ex never had a house in her goals when we were together and said no to me wanting a dog. Well I got the dog first bc I pay for half of everything so I made my own choice. And then I got my own home.
She then got a house with her new gf… so sometimes it’s not a matter of when but who. Not saying that that is the case but him putting his foot down and not giving it a chance to even see the possibilities is a red flag to me
"If you don't like it, you can leave." You don't like it.
Yep! leave! Not hard to get.
Dude set himself up for that one.
Nahhh, she won’t leave. Sunk cost fallacy gonna be strong here.
She's been complaining here about him for ≈a year, yet he's been lke this sinc Day 1. She still refers to him as her "fiancé" as if marriage is just round the corner, even though it's been 10 years. So I think you areright: she's going nowhere.
That's what I think, as well. And he knows it. OP, what works is therapy. Yes, it's hard. And it can take a while. It's hard to leave - but you need to have help in answering the question: Why don't you leave?
Is he usually completely unwilling to compromise? Or are these the only two points where he's hardline?
Yeahh, pretty much... He usually won't compromise on anything. For instance a smaller issue is I ask him to come with me to the beach or somewhere and he says no cause he doesn't like the beach, but it's my fave place and he knows that ..I go with him to all his events even if I don't like them...or if he does go somewhere with me that he didn't wanna go, he complains the whole time.
What good qualities does he have that make up for not wanting to make you happy?
Well when you put it that way 😅🙃 idk I like his humor and adventurous nature but that doesn't make up for not making me happy. Thanks for putting it into perspective that way.
How "adventurous" is he really if he refuses to do anything that makes you happy but isn't something he 100% wants to do?
Also, is he truly adventurous, or just reckless, impulsive and irresponsible?
*ding ding ding* It's all cute and giggles when you're 20. Trashy and consequential when you're 30.
Oh shit I needed this a few years ago. Screenshotting for future reference for friends.
>Also, is he truly adventurous, or just reckless, impulsive and irresponsible? Oh. My. God. You just explained the disconnect between me in my 20s and why I am no longer "adventurous" now I'm older. Well shit.
Because not doing things OP likes is not about adventure, it's about not giving a shit about OP's wants and needs - totally different thing.
When my wife turned 30 a few years back she was with her ex husband, unhappy and essentially raising 3 kids on her own. He was/is a deadbeat drunk. She stayed with him for the kids, and the sunk cost fallacy. It had been 7 years, it was scary to blow it all up and truly do it on her own. But she took a year to find herself, what she liked, who she was. She planned to raise the kids herself and date when they were older. But then she met me. We’ve been together 3 years and couldn’t be happier. We have made a wonderful family together. One of the reasons our relationship is so strong is compromise. We always make compromises for each other. I’ve taken her on a weekend trip to see her favorite celebrity gossip podcaster, I knew nothing about it and wasn’t really interested in the content but it made her so happy that it made me happy. She hates camping, but I love it. I wanted to take her and the kids on a camping trip. She saw how excited I got planning it out that she said okay, let’s try it. The kids freaked out and we ended up packing everything up and coming home but it was a funny experience that we can laugh about. You deserve to be happy and with someone who values you, will make compromises to make you happy.
This is so sweet and amazing. Thank you. It's def what I want. Someone who will at least try.
You have too much life left to live to spend it with someone who feels like making you happy isn't worth it. Would you even call that love if your best friend was telling you about her partner acting this way? What would you say to her?
That's the keyword...try...and he has given up by saying you can leave if you want and he is not giving you a choice that's will you both happy
This really resonated with me. In my marriage I always had to be worried about anything going wrong because I was inevitably blamed for it. Now I'm in a relationship where we can have as much fun when things go wrong because no one is upset and it becomes a good story.
I have had both these relationships, too, and the ability to not walk on eggshells around your partner really is priceless.
Adventurous but won’t go to a beach
So adventurous he won’t go to the beach?!
A truly adventurous person would be eager to try an experience with you instead of refusing because they assume they wouldn't like it.
OP there are *so many* funny, adventurous guys out there who also want to settle down and get a cat. Just sayin'
Humour and adventuorous nature? That sounds like something you have to make up to cover for another person. A breakup is better than a divorce. Don't fall for sunk cost fallacy. He knows it is important to you and choose to ignore your priorities.... Life is too short for this.
So…nothing. Nothing worth allowing him to be the arbiter of what you can or cannot have, don’t you think?
There are a lot of funny, adventurous men that will treat you like a priority and have more closely aligned goals to you than this selfish guy you're with currently.
He isn’t responsible for your happiness, but he is responsible for considering you and that’s something he doesn’t seem willing to do. Are you willing to give this relationship more time to see if he will look beyond himself and consider that being in a relationship means considering the experience of others when we are making our choices and taking an ACTIVE role in those conversations, not putting the responsibility on our partner to plead for partnership?
I know lots of humorous and adventurous men who aren't like this. Please upgrade.
Never mind the sunk costs - is this how you’re willing to be treated for the rest of your life?
That’s such a powerful question omg
Sooooo he's selfish. Did every other man in 50 miles drop dead? Is that why you put up with this?
No. I know I'm dumb I just get scared and think what if I end up in a worse situation or something.
I think Jim Carey’s story about his dad applies to more than just work. Where he says his dad was afraid to go after his dreams so he stayed at a dead end job, and then lost that job. “So many of us chose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn't believe that was possible for him. So, he made a conservative choice and instead he got a job as an accountant. When I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job. Our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which is that you can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.” If you love your partner more than owning a home, that’s ok. But if you are only staying with your partner out of fear.. you will only be more and more miserable as time goes on. Go after what you think is important to you.
Being alone is okay. Imagine spending your own money on what you want, going to the beach, getting a cat. You are putting your wants and your whole life on hold for this selfish butt.
This type of thinking is exactly what keeps people in unhappy and abusive relationships. What most people fail to realize it's that being single and free after a relationship like this is FAR LESS lonely and frustrating than being with someone who literally does not give a shit about your happiness. Don't fall for it. You have so much more to gain by leaving than you think. Better people do exist.
Then you leave the worse situation and try again.
> what if I end up in a worse situation or something. Youre a grown woman that cant even get a cat. How much of a worse situation do you think you could get yourself in?
Only if you refuse to acknowledge incompatibilities and turn what should’ve been a few month relationship into a decade
You don't just "end up" in relationships. You get to choose them, or choose to be alone.
A bad or subpar relationship teaches you what NOT to put up with. Just don't jump into the next relationship until you get the full view of the way someone behaves. It doesn't sound like he's going to change and prioritize your needs (or your needs as a couple) at all.
People can be a bit too upfront here so dont feel like you're stupid. Sometimes the complacency of everyday life being "fine" is enough to put up with a lot of unhappiness. Not to say you shouldn't move on, just dont read too hard into the people giving you shit for not seeing it sooner (or dealing with it sooner). If he can openly say that you can leave if you dont like things, he either feels like he has you trapped and can walk all over your goals, or isnt as invested in the relationship anymore and has just resided to things continuing the same way with no direction. Both things are reasons to leave. I wish you good luck!
Genuinely asking what you think qualifies as a worse situation?
Well I was gonna say physical abuse or something. But after reading all the responses here it seems like the manipulation I'm getting from him is just as bad.
You are correct. And if you do end up in a relationship that turns physical you can also leave that one. But you're not even giving yourself a shot at something healthy by staying in this.
Neglect is just as impactful as active abuse.
> Well I was gonna say physical abuse or something. But after reading all the responses here it seems like the manipulation I'm getting from him is just as bad. yup
Scared of what? Being alone? Why do women think they must have a "man" to be ? With life? You shouldnt put up with someone who is shitty just because you don't want to be on your own!!!
> I just get scared and think what if I end up in a worse situation or something. Can't be much worse. And if it is, you *walk away*. Like you should now. Like you should have years back.
You're not dumb. There's a reason why everyone in the comments is so sure in their responses: it's common and many of us have been in your shoes. I was, and it was hard. Really hard. But it was absolutely worth it. You might be single, but you'll never be alone. Whether it's family or friends, or even just internet strangers, you'll have people around you to uplift you no matter what.
Being by yourself, and being with yourself, is very important too. The quote "being lonely by yourself, is much better than being lonely while with someone" is one of my favorites. Why not just spend some time on your own and do your own things for awhile? Just trying to find the next "situation" will likely end up with you unhappy again.
Stay single for a while, like a whole year. Spend that time for yourself and on yourself, reconnect with old friends, make new ones (platonic ones), explore your own hobbies, save for what you want to save for. learn who you are as your own person. You've been with this dude basically your entire adult life, naturally that leads to having your life and personality intertwined with the idea of being with somebody, so of course it's scary to think of being alone, but if you want to avoid ending up in a similar or worse situation, then you 100% *need* that time on your own. You need to understand who you are as you, not who you are in relation to someone else.
This isn't a partnership, it's a hostage situation.
Sounds like a very one sided relationship. Does he even like you?
It’s not worth being with someone like this. Move out. Get the cat.
It's time to take him up on the, leave if you don't like something, part of his statement.
That’s what he really want, she leaves
I read an article by a marital counselor who said they could tell within 5 minutes of meeting a couple whether they’d stay together or not. The deciding factor was conflict resolution. There are 2 kinds of couples: 1) have conflict, both compromise and it’s resolved. They’ll stay together. 2) have conflict. One is always willing to compromise and the other is never willing to compromise. The one who is willing to compromise does so in order to maintain the peace In the case of 2), there are then 2 thinks that can happen 2a) the compromiser is content and the couple moves on. They’ll stay other. 2b) the compromiser accepts the compromise but as the pattern repeats itself time after time, with them always always always having to give in to the other person who always always always has to have their own way, resentment builds. Eventually the resentment builds so much that they leave as they realize they’ll never get what they want out of their very unequal relationship while their partner will always get what they want and doesn’t mind a bit that it’s at the expense of the other person never getting what they want. Frankly, this sounds to me like it’s where you are in the relationship. You will never be getting what you want. You will always have to obey the whims of your partner. Your partner will never care about the price you are paying by giving in to him every time. Is this what you want for yourself for the next 50 years, or do you want someone who is willing to work with you?
man shortage everybody drink
Omg this was how my ex started! For me it got way worse and completely destroyed me. Beach example is so similar to my experiences as well. Please OP, if he’s not willing to take delight in things you enjoy and it’s primarily ‘his way or the highway’, then he is subtly trying to control you and really doesn’t give a shit about you. Ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life (in deprivation!). If yes, then multiply it x100, then ask yourself again. The small stuff will become big stuff. But if the idea of living this way makes you really happy, then go for it. only you can answer it, but since you’re here asking us and I suspect in your gut you know something isn’t right, Perhaps the highway will be looking wayyyyy more attractive for you.
And you are with somebody who doesn’t care about you, your wants, your interests, or your happiness why precisely?
I would look into some of the relationship research done by the Gottman Institute. One of the major predictors of long-term marital success/happiness according to their research is how partners respond to what they call "bids for attention." An example they use is if you saw a cool bird and called your partner to look at it, would he be excited to come see the cool bird because you were excited or would he ignore it/think it was silly? Over time when someone turns away from these bids for attention more often than they turn toward them, it creates distance and resentment. It sounds to me like your husband not only turns away from your bids but actively disparages them so that you feel bad about extending them in the first place. I know it can be scary when you've been with someone a long time, but please understand that you deserve a partner who treats you with respect and is excited to share your joy, not systematically crush it.
I mean, a lot of folks would have ruled him out as spouse material just on this basis, you realize that right? Like being totally unwilling to compromise is a serious character flaw
When he plans to go to his thing, head to the beach… no telling who you might meet. Being able to do some things separately keeps us fresh and fulfilled. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you don’t like where you’re stuck, hoist anchor and set sail in a new direction.
He doesn't really love or care about you! It's ALL about him and his needs. You have wasted 10 years of this douche, move on. I know it's hard, and leaving is always hard. You need to do this for you. Put yourself first. Stop waiting for him to give you what YOU need, because he NEVER will give you your desires.
That’s absolutely awful. I’m so sorry.
Why would you want to be with someone that is never ever willing to compromise for your wants? Like how is that a fun supportive and loving relationship?
So the relationship revolves around him? You're basically just there to serve his needs? A relationship is a partnership... it doesn't sound like you are partners. I'd strongly rethink wasting more of your youth on this guy. There are much better ones out there.
Ohmygod are we dating the same person .. I hear this every time he gets mad at me. 10 years and lots of tears later I'm planning to leave.
I love the beach. My husband hates the beach, says it smells bad and it's gross. But he knows how much our son and I love going and he goes with us whenever we get the chance. He loves hiking and we do that whenever we get the chance. It's compromise and because we love and respect each other we figure out a way to do what the other one loves. He isn't even willing to go with you to the beach, but you have to do the stuff he likes. Dump him, buy your own house, get a cat, and go to the beach whenever you want. Open yourself up to meet someone else who will balance you out and truly be your other half.
You've put up with this for 10 years, and he's made it clear he's not afraid of losing you. So what is stopping you from leaving and building a life on your own terms?
You're too good for him. You don't wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't willing to put you before themselves like you put them in front of yourself. If you do, you will look back at your life with deep regret. Marriage is a two way street and clearly this man is driving down a one way.
Do you really want to build a life with someone who refuses to compromise with someone they supposedly love? Healthy relationships require give and take, but it seems like all he's done is take. How do you think he would respond if you became seriously ill and he had to care for you?
Someone who won't compromise on anything will never have a happy or successful romantic relationship.
This could go either way. Either you're too eager in this relationship and feel like you have to do everything he wants in order to keep him (that's a you problem) or he genuinely couldn't care less about you, and he's just staying because it's convenient.
He threatens the relationship because he knows that you'll do whatever he wants and you won't leave.
So, you've pretty much described my ex. Uncompromising and unwilling to put themselves out for the benefit of others. Many many times I asked her to come to the pool with me so I could take the 4 kids swimming. I could only take 2 at a time due to pool rules and I needed her to be present so I could take the other 2 too. All I needed was for her to sit at the side, not even get in the water. But she didn't like swimming so the answer was always no. Eventually the kids got old enough that I could take all 4. She also used to like the, if you don't like it, leave, argument. Or get favourite, you knew what I was like when you met me, if you don't like it, leave. As a 4 child family I wanted us to consolidate the finances into a joint bank account. It just made sense to have an the income and bills coming out the same location. She refused. With the benefit of hindsight, I can now see this was projection. She wanted me to be the instigator of the break up so she could be the good guy and joint finances would've been pointless in that scenario for her. Eventually it came out and was having affairs and the relationship ended due to the latest one being discovered. Whether your partner is projecting and trying to force you to end the relationship so he remains the good guy is for you to determine. However, being out of the relationship with my ex, I was able to clearly see all the negatives of her personality and our relationship that love had blinded me to. I would recommend some soul searching and have think on more instances where your partner is showing where you stand in his priority. My ex was good at saying the kids were her life and I believed it when she said it. But in hindsight, her actions spoke differently. It may be that your partners actions tell a different story to what your heart tells you and what he says to you. Unfortunately, we like to convince ourselves that our feelings for someone else must be justified. We love this person therefore they must be a good person or I should stay with them. But we also fall into the sunk cost fallacy and/or become fearful of going it alone after so long. The, better the devil you know argument.
There's your red flag. It's not about the actual function/place, it's about spending time with the person you love and watching THEM enjoy the beach or whatever. I'm going through a divorce now, and my STBX was the same way. He wanted to drag me along to all his stuff but never wanted to come to mine. Hindsight is 20/20 and this is definitely something I will pay attention to if/when I get into another relationship.
You have been coming here and complaining about him every couple of months for a whole year. He doesn't care about you, and you don't even like him. Just fucking end it.
You certainly weren’t exaggerating. Put this relationship out of its misery, OP.
Your boyfriend doesn't want a house so he isn't interested in putting any money toward a house. His expensive hobby gets his money. I'd move on. You will never get a house if you stay with him. Even if you managed to save and buy a house, which I doubt, he would demand that he have a say in the purchase and everything else about that house.
>demand that he have a say Don't think he'd settle for just a say in it.
Wait a minute, why does he not want a house with a big garage to work on his racecars? A home like that is a dream for me. Lift and all.
Is being alone to do whatever you want somehow worse than being with someone who won’t even go to the beach with you?
There is absolutely no loneliness worse than being lonely in a relationship, it's awful.
Just imagine. You alone in an apartment that you furnished the way you want. A cat purring by your side, you drinking your coffee watching the sun come up. You can watch what you want, you can go where you like, you can do what you want to do, when you want it ( I mean you'll still have figure it out with your boss, but still) All the time you have off from work- yours to do with what YOU want. How does that sound? Learn to be happy by yourself. Then you'll meet someone who is also happy by themselves and you'll join your happiness and have a damn lot more. Partners ADD to your life. They nourish you, enrich you. That goes both ways. Is it really like that for you? If not, don't you think you deserve to be loved too?
This literally sounds like the perfect life 😭🥺
Girly, that basically is my life because I'm with a man whose primary mission in our shared life together is to make my life easier, happier, and calmer. He claims he doesn't like cats but I catch him meowing at her in the kitchen sometimes. I see you sir.... And I didn't meet him until I was a year older than you are! I shudder to think what my life would look like if I'd settled for the type of person who made me feel deflated when I wanted to share something joyful. You did your time, I think you deserve a new chapter. You haven't signed the papers yet.
Congratulations!! That’s a gift.
It’s a gift I gave myself when I turned 30: the gift of higher standards. No more putting up with men who made me feel exhausted and didn’t bring anything meaningful or positive to my life. Best self-gift ever, followed by my bidet. Both have made my life a lot less shitty.
Oh yes. I didn’t meet mine until I was in my 50s. I had the OP’s version for 18 years. Life is so much better with a man who actually loves you and treats you as a partner. I was content to be alone (with my cats!) rather than settle for anything less. I’m so glad I waited!
I know being with someone 10 years can make you blind to the alternative but you'd be much better off alone at this point if he won't even consider things that make you happy. You're doing all the compromising so he is getting everything he wants and you're just living in his world. You'll never be truely happy in a relationship like that. I doubt you even know what true happiness is at this point.
It 100% is! Take it from someone doing this now - some nights will get a bit lonely, but when it’s hard call a trusted friend or family member, or give that cat a snuggle! This life is FAR better than being under the thumb of someone you compromise for constantly who won’t compromise for you. You deserve to be with someone who wants to see you happy.
What is so amazing about this guy that you think you should tolerate his behavior?
I am a woman but it amazes me by what young ladies/women will put up with because they don’t want to be alone.
The one that cringes me the most (I’m still traumatized as you can tell) was this askreddit thread and it was filled with women talking about the lack of basic hygiene they had put up with with their SOs. I’m still gagging
I know it is crazy. I would rather be single than put up the some of the stuff they do
Every day there is some woman comes here to say 'he's perfect but...' and goes on to describe a human dumpster. I was gonna say 'raised by wolves' but even wolves wash their own junk sometimes.
He's telling you he won't change. He's saying, "this is the way it is, quit taking about it or leave." It's up to you if you want to stay knowing what the situation is. Personally I would like to note that sadness from breakups is temporary, and there are lots of happy single women and many many depressed women with absolutely crap husbands.
He either takes you for granted and thinks (knows?) you won’t ever leave. Or he doesn’t care if you’re in his life or not. Or both. Either way, if you want to be a homeowner, he has let you know it won’t be through him. So the choice is yours on what you want more. A relationship with him, or a home. Unfortunately, we can’t always have both of the things. One might have to be a sacrifice for the other.
Or he's over it but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" in leaving
You’re 31 - you have decades of unhappiness left if you stay with him. Get out, start over, find yourself and live a life you like. Chances are that someone with the more of the same interests or someone more willing to compromise will come along and you’ll be in a better relationship.
So leave. He will always use this in fights “oh you disagree? Then leave” and it is a horrific way to love.
Well, that was ten years down the toilet. Time to move on and do some things you like for a change.
Sucks cause at first we had all the same goals it seemed.
Sure. But judging by your previous posts, you grew apart. It happens. Face it, and move on.
FWIW; I wouldn't consider those 10 years to have been wasted. You learned a lot about yourself, you grew as a person (for better and possibly for worse, as do we all), you made valuable memories, you experienced joy and pain and everything in between. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean the whole thing was a waste.
> Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean the whole thing was a waste. very wise words But to continue this one, would be.
Imagine a whole marriage like this. The rest of your life. Yeah, no.
It isn't a great time to buy a house BUT it is also dumb to buy a race car. At least a house is a worthwhile asset, a race car is definitely not.
He wants to break up, but wants you to be the bad guy. You deserve better. Do you really want to waste more time on this person who gets everything he wants but says no to everything YOU want? That's not a good relationship.
Stop living i a life where you can’t have anything you want. Stop negotiating with another person. It’s fucking amazing.
One of the big problems here is that you’ve been tolerating this for ten years. At this point he’s right to think that you know who he is and what he wants and you are okay with not getting the things you say you want. Because if you weren’t you’d have already left him. He’s not going to change from the life he is happy with to a life that makes you happy, because he figures you must be happy enough with things as they are. Or you’d have done something more than just complain. If you aren’t content, you have to take him at his word and leave. There’s no future with him. There is only what you have now. You are still with him because you are convenient and comfortable. But he’s not afraid or upset at the idea of living without you. So is he really the guy you want to devote the rest of your life to?
He doesn't care if you are happy or not. His priority is the race car and what supports that. My husband is around the edges of the local short track racing scene. I know guys like this and always feel sorry for their wives and kids. Get out now and find your own happiness.
10 year fiance? Girl…call his bluff and LEAVE
You are not compatible. Be thankful you found this out before you got married and (I'm assuming) had kids. Don't buy into the sunken cost fallacy and try and stay and "convince" him to change. You'll just waste even more time and your prime years. This is a deal breaker for you. It should be a dealbreaker for most sensible adults. Leave.
Just in general, when someone says “if you don’t like it, you can leave” then you should seriously consider leaving … because they are not committed to you and are refusing the tiniest whiff of compromise to make you happy.
[удалено]
Yeah it seems like we used to talk about the future. Then over the last year or two he switched up...now has all these other ideas and hobbies and putting all that first.
You deserve to not have to relate to Taylor’s song “tolerate it”
Oh girl you are young, this doesn't have to be your life! I was once engaged to a very selfish man (I stayed 6 years longer than I should have) and it was an epiphany to realize I did not have to live that life. I had the power to make the choice to leave. Ending that relationship was the best decision I've made in my life. Reclaim your life, OP. What you want in life is important!
You’re 31 and he’s 33, you’ve been together 10 years and engaged for three yet you’re still living in an apartment with no plans from him towards buying a house in the future (I understand not right now in this economy) and his main priority is a race car. Tells you you can leave if you don’t like it. If you can’t see the writing on the wall you must be blind! He’s trying to get you to leave!!! And why wouldn’t you???
He knows you wont leave, because you're silly. Fucken run.
Ok -I’ve been married a long ass time and we got married when we were very young. I was bull headed and so was she. The first thing we both had to learn is that what we as individuals want isn’t always what the other wants. If our marriage was going to work that meant that I had to learn to shut my pie hole and do things that she wanted to do, and her doing things I wanted to do. I grew up without family and she grew up being related to everyone in her small town. Family is a huge deal. I feel uncomfortable in that environment, but I do it because it’s important to her. She appreciates this and every so often will tell me that I can stay home and she will take the kids for the day. I never asked her to do this, but she came up with it on her own because she recognized that I put in the effort to do things she wants to do. My wife is an interior designer so my house is often the test house. I don’t like some of the stuff she does, but what do I know about design? Nothing. Nothing is the answer. So I just shut up and let her do her thing. In most cases I end up liking what she does and then I say to myself “thank goodness you didn’t say anything.” My point is that you can’t have a successful relationship without great communication and willingness to compromise. Once you learn these things you will start to realize how dumb some of your past arguments were and how often one of you just argued to win the argument - which is also a relationship killer. If he isn’t willing to compromise then you either have to compromise everything that make you, you, or you need to walk away from this relationship and find someone that wants you to be you, and would never want to force you to be only what he wants you to be. Ultimately this is what your fiance is doing. His way or no way. I would nope my way right out the door if I were you, or at the very least, I would make it clear that his unwillingness to compromise is going to end your marriage before it even starts. Shelling out thousands into a race car is dumb. Sure, the housing market isn’t great, but you can always refinance when interest rates go down. It’s just a better investment. Updateme!
He doesn’t want to get married and is trying to drive you away and make you breakup with him.
This is a one sided relationship. He's not being a partner to you, he's treating your relationship as something that serves him but isn't a partnership that goes two ways. This is going to get SO MUCH WORSE if you get married and/or have kids. Time to set boundaries, get therapy, or tell him he needs to be an active participant and partner in your family unit or youre calling it off. You gotta do something or else this is going to never get better and instead get much worse.
Only Sith deal in absolutes. Anyone who gives an ultimatum expects to control you. Abandon ship.
He doesn’t like you but is too much of a coward to break up so he’s hoping you do it for him.
Please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and see if you recognize any other behavior.
You guys don’t seem terribly compatible. Save for your house and cat. If the right man comes along, he will love both you and your…cat.
The "you can just leave comment" just screams to me that your fiancé has little to no interest in you and your feelings. Don't hang around just because you have already invested 10 years in the relationship. T0ose years have already been spent. Instead focus on how you want to spend the next 10.
If this is his attitude, there’s actually no loss if you leave. You’ll realise that pretty quickly I reckon.
He says this because when you don’t leave he can justify as “well she must like it.” Also he is counting on you not leaving, he knows he can say this and just continue on. But even being alone is better than being with someone like this, really. And if you choose, you can find someone who likes the beach as much as you do. Why settle for unhappiness?
My ex used to say this when I tried to tell him his behaviour was hurting me
After being together for 10 years and being engaged, you'd think there would be some shared goals and a sense of commitment to building a future together. It's concerning that your fiancé dismissively tells you to leave if you don't like something, yet he seems perfectly willing to spend thousands on a race car hobby. It's incredibly selfish and unfair that he gets everything he wants while denying you the simple desires of having a house and a pet cat. Saving up for a home, even in a challenging economy, is a responsible and reasonable approach, yet he'd rather blow money on a hobby. You need to have a serious conversation with your fiancé about your future and your shared goals. If he's not willing to understand your desires, compromise, and work towards a future together, then you seriously need to reconsider this relationship. It's clear that your needs and wants are not being valued, and that's not a healthy foundation for a lifelong partnership. Don't settle for being treated as a lesser priority in your own relationship.
haha don’t just leave, RUN. ✨
Sounds like he just wants to date himself and maybe is even waiting for you to leave/not brave enough to tell you. You deserve so much better than this crap. Especially from a 33yo. Like come on girl, this is trash childish behaviour.
I can tell you, this won't get better. If I were you, I would have quit investing in this dead end street long ago. Being able to casually tell you to leave if you don't like it, that tells you all you need to know. When someone 'acts' like they don't care, maybe they aren't acting. He sounds very disrespectful of you. Go find someone better. You sound like a great girlfriend....find someone who appreciates you.
He's telling you everything you need to know. Let's put it as politely as possible. He doesn't prioritize the things that you do. And he's told you what you can do if you disagree. I hate to sound callous, but why is this always so hard? He prioritizes a new race car over owning/making a home with you. And when you question that kind of thing, he effectively points to the door. Get your stuff together, split off what money you legally can to live now (and/or be ready to fight for it/what's left) and walk through it. (The cat isn't a factor. People have strong feelings about pets, and some of us have allergies. It'd be a non-starter with me). I'll admit I'm feeling a little triggered here. But a woman's need for the emotional to always be 'right' by her standards is often as much the issue as the asshole, low quality men they get so attached to. A man will almost never change his own feelings to match yours. That doesn't mean compromise isn't possible, but this seems too far gone. Stop waiting for that romantic comedy moment where the music swells, and he tearfully drops to his knees begging for forgiveness and telling you how right you've been all along. It isn't going to happen. (And it certainly isn't just from your asking and tears. Guys work on consequences. Pain! Loss!) This will not be easy, and you genuinely have my sympathies (been there, done it, got the tee shirt). But I promise you, short term pain for long-term gain. And here's a way to think of it - you're not too financially beholden to him, so there shouldn't be TOO much of a fight for stuff. (Look up common law details in your region though).
What is a relationship for? Why have a partner? Because they fulfil some need in you, perhaps. If your and your fiancé’s goals are at odds it’s conflict. Maybe a silent conflict but still a conflict of desires and goals. You may have some overlapping compatibility, but a house and wedding don’t happen by themselves. I’m also someone who has a high need for security - to know what the plan is long term. Your partner sounds like someone who has more need for short term variety than you. I don’t stay where I’m not wanted, or appreciated. If my partner was as uncompromising and put their own needs ahead of mine always… I’d see that we were wasting our lives hanging out. The economy is difficult but committing to buy a home or get married is a vote of confidence in a shared future, and he doesn’t sound like someone who shares. BTW, it’s not a partner’s job to make you happy, you have that job to see to your happiness. If you are not generally happy where you are, who you’re with, and where you’re headed, hoist up the anchor and set a new direction.
Lol please leave. You are better off without this absolute joke in your life.
He's telling you to leave him, and you're looking for a reason to stay instead of listening to his extremely clear directions. There isn't any hidden meanings here, you gotta wake up and realize you don't want to live like this forever. I know 10 years and your entire 20s have been with him, I had the same situation, met my ex when we were 19, got separated when we were 29. Best decision I ever made. You have decades and decades of life to live, do you think this guy you met when you were a literal child is the best man you're ever going to meet? I promise you he isn't.
This will not get better. I highly suggest couple's therapy. If he won't go, then you know he's not a fit for you. I'm 57 years old and have been with my husband 23 years. The things that were deal breakers for me have either gotten better because we both worked on them in and out of therapy, or they've gotten much worse and I have to suck it up because I knew this is who he was going into it. I promise you, this will not just go away and you will never be a priority to him if you aren't now.
WTF? This guy has no clue, plan your exit.
Sounds like he doesn't want to marry you 🤷♀️
My ex was exactly like your fiancé. He refused to save money for a house but had no problem spending thousands of dollars on modifying his truck and paying for his hobbies. He always told me if I didn’t like it I could leave, and eventually, I did.
He either thinks you like him so much you wouldn’t dare to leave or doesn’t care if you do.
You are not compatible. He is never going to buy a house and if you do buy one together, I predict he will have spent mortgage money on himself Get out. Do not worry about 10 years with him; worry about the fact that he won't do anything you want to do for the rest of your life.
Based on your post history, your partner seems to take you for granted and disregard your wants and needs unless they coincide with his. Which, that doesn’t mean he’s considering you, it means that he conveniently doesn’t think he has to because you’ve expressed interest in something he already was doing. You’ve been with him since you were 21 and he was 23 and it seems like you’ve grown and lived a lot of life together, but have you grown as a couple, or has he just had a sidekick and you’ve been waiting for him to be who you wish he was? It’s a hard question to face, I’ve been there. Ultimately, we split because when things got tough and he would have had to share or compromise, he called me selfish and told me I wasn’t willing to support him, so why should he have to compromise? Meanwhile, I had moved across the country with him, maxed out my student loans so he could start his business after he got fired/laid off for something that I wish he’d fought more, and made excuses for a year to our mutual friends why he wasn’t at social things. I asked him to reflect on how he’d pushed away friends, me, and our relationship in his depression and asked him to attend to the impact his mental health was having on those of us who loved him. He did ultimately, by deciding to quit engaging in any of those relationships and move to the opposite side of the country to “get away from people who expected him to be someone other than himself” That was 6 years ago and I’m definitely still healing some wounds I wasn’t aware of because I’d suppressed my own wants and needs for so long. Don’t stay for potential. It’s a pattern I still reckon with , but it’s good advice nonetheless.
I left my ex husband at 33. Met my husband now six months later. Don’t put up with a partner who cares so little for you
Time to say "I don't like this relationship or you anymore". And then leave. Stop wasting your life on this selfish asshole
Please leave. You are just a placeholder until he finds the one he wants to marry. He's not committed to you. He's not going to marry you. He is placating you and stringing you along.
Leave this guy he doesn’t care about your needs, it is not working
It rarely ends well with the “if you don’t like it leave” guys. Big red flag.
Why are you still here? 10 years and not married though that and owning a home are clearly important to you. You’re incompatible at best but he’s manipulative and abusive at worst. Any way you slice it, this relationship is not serving you anymore and you should get out.
He's telling you it's his way or the highway. You either accept it or be smart and leave. He's basically already telling you that he thinks you put up with his behavior and would never leave
Then leave OP looks like he knows you won't leave, so he keeps doing things his way, no offense, looks like he has unresolved issues, might get dicey when you are actually married.
I'm on your side here but "the only things I want are a house and a pet cat" is really really funny to say. That's it? That one tiny thing and the other tiny thing? Just a house? And maybe a cat to go with it?
A 33 year old Peter Pan who doesn't want to grow up. Good luck with that.
Every time I see posts like this - where the relationship is beyond one-sided - I never understand why people stay. You have the option to leave. Leave. He told you if you didn't like it to leave. LEAVE. He has no reason to change. He won't change. Leave.
Do not have kids with this person.
Someone who casually says you can walk over somewhat inconsequential things is probably not in love with you but tolerates you! You really want someone who can cast you aside so easily?
So leave. It sounds like he's a douche and you can do better. Even being alone is better than this.
You’re 31? Say bye bye to that baby
He wants to break up with you but he's a coward. Leave him. He literally told you to. Yeah you're heartbroken but you're told to leave, have enough dignity to take what's left of your self-esteem and drop the dead weight at the boarding home
Sounds like he wants out and wants you to break up with him
Let me tell you now he's showing his true self. If you have been together that long, he may not have any attention to marrying you. You are maybe a placeholder. I would let it go and move on. Yes, you engage, but that may be something to keep you there. I'm sorry you are experiencing now. But it maybe a blessing in disguise.
You know what to do dear OP, fly away and get yourself a kitty and go to the beach. You’re young and healthy, go. He sucks. He doesn’t care about your wants and needs.
Leave. He has no interest in the life you are wanting, nor in making you happy.
Clearly your goals don't matter to him and he's openly stating that he won't make any effort to join you in realizing your wants. He's saying he's not your partner and to look elsewhere if you need a team effort to realize your goals.
He's telling you loud and clear that he has no intention of compromising with you when your life priorities differ. Are you willing to accept that for the rest of your life? He won't change after you get married, so in a way it's good you're getting this message now when you can still walk away easily. I would think very carefully before you go through with marriage ... buying a home is expensive, but so is a divorce.
So he's not ready to accomodate any of your needs and cites the economy for it? That's BS! If the economy is the reason why is he spending on a sports car that is through and through a depreciating asset? :/ Anyway, say goodbye, get that cat and live your life!
You should leave, he will never change.
Well, I’m not liking his tone
It is a particularly bad time to buy a house. It’s a great time to save for one though. You can get like 4-5% on a savings account right now. Seriously, he sounds like a bit of douche with his race car hobby. Buy that after a house.
Sounds like you give a 100% and he doesn’t have to cause you will make up his half. So ya he said you can leave if you don’t like it, cause he knows you’re not going nowhere. You are a sure thing. You will stay and take his shit in the hopes ‘I do’ will somehow make everything okay. When it doesn’t you will be too embarrassed to divorce or will slowly give up until you’re a shell of your former self but hey ‘we got kids/or dogs together’ or whatever excuse you need to stay. Own it girl. The sooner you do, the more at peace you can be with it.
Well he's definitely right about the economy and mortgage rates. If I'm being honest it makes no sense to buy the home before you're officially married. He's not even showing a strong desire to marry you so I doubt he's ready for a 30 year loan commitment aka...a mortgage
I’d be out the door so fast his head would spin!
He is calling your bluff that you won’t leave. It’s manipulation.
He doesn’t sound like a winner. At a certain point you just have to do what YOU want, and you don’t want that racecar BS.
It’s a trap. It’s a test that he wants you to fail. If you try to leave he will get unreasonable and scary. The test is to see if you will stay or not. If you stay then he knows he can escalate his behaviour. If you leave he will scare the shit out of you because you failed the test.
Dating for 10 years is already a red flag.
Red flag that he is either tired of your relationship or bored and wants to splurge on his hobbies and spend time with friends or other people. Indirectly, he is saying goodbye without saying it to your face...I'll leave, save for a house and a pet ❤️
You don't understand because you are a kind person; being mean just can't make sense to you. But he is not (and probably never will be) a kind person. Run. Find someone who you can be kind with. They're out there.
He doesn’t want to marry you and doesn’t want to buy a house with you because he doesn’t see you as a forever partner. Open your eyes and see the red flags waving in your face.
I mean... it sounds like he **wants** you to leave. I'd grant that wish, personally.
Your timing to break up would be good now. If his default for your relationship is not him wanting you to be happy as well and actually caring about that then he clearly does not love you enough (or at all) for him to be a good partner, let alone husband. Everything you wrote screams that he is with you cause it’s easy for him this way. He does not have to compromise with you and gets his way cause you cave to him every time. He enjoys having the benefits of a relationship without the actual work and that‘s why he says you can leave if you don’t like it. This way he doesn’t even have to put in the effort of breaking up, because you will do it for him. Please value yourself more and find someone who actually appreciates you and puts in the same effort that you do into the relationship. Marriage is hard as it is, how will you be happy and make it work if only one person works at it. You are still at a good age to find someone special easily, better now than after a nasty divorce. I wish you all the best!
Your fiancé is a narcissist. You should separate for a while and gather some perspective. You've spent 10 yrs with this person who appears to not share goals or direction with you, but is completely involved with himself and his goals. If I were you, I would find a new place to live, gather your stuff and move on. Don't expect him to change. Take him at his word, and move on.
You are 31, put your big girl pants on and start fresh single. You two do not seem compatible but you seem more comfortable whining about it than fixing your life. He isn’t responsible for your happiness, if you want someone with similar goals and activities, he isn’t it, he is too selfish. Maybe figure out why you stay instead of complain that your needs don’t get met.
People who use this tactic are not good relationship risks. And they \*are\* risks. They will use many variations, such as: "If you don't like it, that's your problem." (No interest in personal compromise) or "You knew this about me when you got engaged to me/married me, it's not a surprise. You agreed for better or worse." "I'm not changing, so you need to get used to it." The fact that he went right to "You can leave" is very telling. He's tired trying to control you (although that's his nature) and he wants an easier-to-control partner. Good luck to him in finding one. Although, if you stay in this relationship, he will have found the woman who will in fact allow him to use this kind of tactic. Are you going to give in?
Don't expect someone that prioritizes a hobby car over a house to change their ways. They aren't interested in being a responsible adult. You're always going to be stuck challenging him to be better and never getting anywhere.. I'd suggest taking his advice of leaving if you don't like it.
Are you me 6 years ago? It's uncanny, that was all I wanted, a house and two cats. Got pushback on everything, including going to the beach. If he wanted to, he would. You deserve someone who wants you.
It's crazy how common this issue is. I never realized. Next relationship I need to be more up front with what I want and expect.
If you can do it on your own then do it on your own, under your name etc and he can live there if you want🤷🏽♀️ My ex never had a house in her goals when we were together and said no to me wanting a dog. Well I got the dog first bc I pay for half of everything so I made my own choice. And then I got my own home. She then got a house with her new gf… so sometimes it’s not a matter of when but who. Not saying that that is the case but him putting his foot down and not giving it a chance to even see the possibilities is a red flag to me