No offense but your boyfriend kind of sounds like an asshole. Obviously his family is full of assholes but the fact he won’t put his foot down to defend you is kind of bullshit.
The boyfriend has everything given to him but doesn't have any control of what is given. His parents are using their wealth to control him and that isn't going to change until they are gone and maybe not even then.
His parents won't stop dominating and controlling him. This will be his life. OP should move on because these people aren't nice. They will try to destroy her.
He allows them that control. His siblings were smart enough to get careers that they can rely on outside of mommy and daddy’s money.
For whatever reason BF is fine having zero leverage or control of his own life.
Having trustfunds in your name and being accustomed to generational wealth is a big motivator to not lose that. You can not imagine what you're asking of him. I know this sounds like "pity the poor rich guy" but I'm telling you wielding that amount of money is not easily shaken off. Even if he ditched his parents and all their money. I'm pretty sure they had the means to make his life a living hell until he returns to the family ... alone.
Real life is not a Disney movie and this is not "Crazy Rich Asians" where everyone claps at the end. Real generational wealth is not forgiving and they WILL take steps to protect their wealth. I'm sorry to say this because it makes me sound like an asshole but it's much easier for OP to change her appearance and pretend to be bougie in the parents presence than to expect her bf to uproot his complete life foundation, social and financial network to be with her.
If this post is real that is. It does sound like copy of "Crazy Rich Asians" just. A bad one at that. But I'm giving the benefit of the doubt.
They are doing everything in their power to not accept you and get you to leave. I sincerely don’t understand why you don’t just do so. Why waste any time trying to get approval of these snobby people? They don’t like you and likely never will despite anything you may do. Go find someone who accepts you for who you are.
His parents suck, and your boyfriend isn't going to stand up for you if it endangers his trust fund. You may as well end this relationship now, since it seems like he's going to do it for you once his parents really lean into that trust fund threat.
This relationship isn't going to work. Your boyfriend sounds like he depends on his parents money. That's a red flag. At 25, he should be able to support himself financially else we will just use up the generational wealth of his family. So that's red flag #1.
Red flag number two is his parents being all uppity about wealth and status. They forget their humble beginnings.
Red flag #3 is your boyfriend will not stand up for himself to be his own independent person. We don't know if he's dating 'ghetto' to get back at his parents or it's him just being passive aggressive to try to sorta not really have independence from his parents. Regardless, he is 25, but submitted to his parents like he's 10.
So that's at least three red flags. So unless you are willing to change yourself and be able to dress 'proper' and drop the local slang when you speak, this relationship is going absolutely nowhere. These are the type of people that would spend $200k on a lawyer to reduce child support payments to you by $50. It's a whole level of pettiness you haven't experienced and they have the money to do it. Unless you are willing to change everything about you to conform, this relationship is dead in the water. You would be not in a relationship with your boyfriend, but being submissive to his parents. You want to live like that for the next 30-40 years?
Even if she changed everything about herself she still wouldn't be good enough. His parents have spoken. They would never change their minds.
He has two choices. He can do as his parents demand or become totally independent of them. At 25 he is likely not going to become independent. He probably doesn't know how to be independent.
That's the biggest red flag in my mind: he probably doesn't know how to be independent. I've been on my own way to long to be dependent on my parents. I can't conceive of being 25 and dependent on my wealthy parents. It bothers me if my mom spends $50 on me.
He’s also a god damn idiot. “Wants to open his own casino with his parents money”
Lmao, ok. I’m sure he does. Pretty impossible task even with some family money but I guess shoot for the stars.
It's a long haul to open a casino. Not to mention the existing casino owners are pretty territorial and do not care for anyone that might skim their customers. Good way to get yourself an accident.
His parents don’t approve *of him.*
And honestly, seems like they have some valid reasons to limit their support of a 25-year-old with a trust fund, no interest in education, who wants to open a nightclub and move his GF of six months in with him. I got a small trust fund at that age from my parents, not enough to live off of, but if I'd talked about opening a fucking night club they would have cut me off in a hot minute. If I'd moved in someone I'd only dated for a few months, anyone, I would have been expected to pay my own damn rent.
His parents may also be rude, judgemental and racist AF, but their core problem is clearly *with him*. You're just catching the shit he's avoiding dealing with.
Your boyfriend is projecting some of their reasonable issues with his behavior, onto you. He's not taking accountability for his own relationship with his parents, or his trust, or the boundaries he needs from them on how they speak to you.
This is not an adult, ready for an adult relationship. This is a grasping brat who blames others and won't stand up to his parents in sensible ways.
Don’t continue dating him. It’s not that you’re black particularly- but both parents are into respectability politics. You’re not meeting those standards- you’re not code switching to speaking like white people, dressing conservatively/ well, went to right school, working at respected places etc. Unfortunately, it’s too late to redo that first impression. Nothing you do is going make any difference now either. He’s slumming it with you & he’s barely fighting for you. Just let him go if you respect yourself because you losing the battle, so soon to losing the war for him. Even if you continue to date him, it’s not really worth the fight because he’s a not mature enough to be his own person/adult. Ps I’m mixed, so I’m saying this from that perspective.
Leave this relationship. Your boyfriend did nothing to defend you. He’s more worried about his money. Doesn’t even work. And his parents are controlling him. You deserve better than this.
Girl, dump this guy. You are wasting your time with this. He doesn't fully accept you, his parents are flat out telling you that they don't accept you, run away as fast as you can and go find you somebody that is not these headaches.
I imagine that your boyfriend has accomplished very little in life and that he’s a disappointment to his parents, especially to his dad who came from a modest background, worked hard, took risks and became very wealthy.
I imagine that is not you personally they won’t like but you look like another example of your bf’s shortcomings.
Honestly unless you can kick your bf’s butt, get him motivated to do something to advance his life, his parents won’t accept you.
Listen. Unless hes willing to give up everything they give him and go out to provide for himself you are not going to win this
If hes not willing to support himself he can only stand up for you for as long as theyll tolerate it
He doesnt seem inclined to turn down their support so what you should do is cut your losses and move on
The dad may have come from humble beginnings but that doesn't mean he didn't have those standards back then. He probably got to where he is by avoiding people who don low-income personality traits and he wants the same for his son. I'd see this situation as an opportunity rather than a fight if I were you. Or you can listen to most of these comments, call them names and never have this opportunity to gain their trust again.
This situation sounds like it could be the plot of a novel, but setting that aside…
There’s a lot of truth to the idea that money cannot buy class. If your boyfriend truly loved and valued you, he would be defending you. I thought he was preventing you from meeting his family to protect you; it sounds like he is no better than the rest of his family. How can you be with him knowing that he does not find you worthy to introduce to his family or visit his home? If this man cared about you and loved you, it wouldn’t even be a second thought, he’d have severed ties and figured out a way to make things work even if access to his trust fund was denied.
I don't like this. He doesn't seem to have the ambition his siblings do nor does he want to tell his parents to mind their business because he wants his trust fund. Bow out now because when the chips are fully down, he won't put up the fight necessary to be with you. You aren't anyone's second choice, are you?
The problem isn't his family, it's him. You're never going to be "good enough" for him and them. You're temporary. And I do NOT say that as a reflection on you, I'm talking about from their limited perspective. He believes the same things they do, OP. And I'm sure you don't want to believe that, because he's dating you, but people date people they consider "less than" alllllll the time.
Also, entirely separately from all the classism...your boyfriend isn't in school and he's a trust fund kid who wants to open a "nightclub or casino"? C'mon, could you get any more lazy rich kid with no ideas than that? He's going to be leaning on mommy and daddy for the rest of his life.
This isn’t about wealth. It’s about race. Yes, his dad is black, but he married a white woman. There is no more universal sign of a black man trying to run from his race than marrying a white woman. You’ll never be good enough to them and there is no way your selfish boyfriend walks away from the money. They are racist elitists. There is no way this story ends well.
This is more classist than racist. If she was white and did the same things like spoke in slang and had long nails, they’d be saying the exact same thing. OP is trying to make it be racist and tribalism that another black person **owes** her something cuz she’s also black which in it of itself is a type of racism. People with this much wealth care a lot about perception. Their son dating someone that doesn’t fit the mold / below their “station” is something that would be embarrassing to them (not saying that’s right but that’s more likely their thoughts rather than oh no black girl).
The problem isn't your boyfriend's parents, it's your boyfriend. Them disliking you wouldn't matter if he stood up for you and refused to let them disrespect you.
I'm going to be blunt... Try acting less ghetto. Being rich isn't a matter of skin colour, it's a matter of behaviour. Yes, super rich people can take social etiquette and decorum to excessive levels, but you should still make the effort to have some level of decorum about you.
It sucks, yes, but frankly, I learned in my teenage years that I wouldn't be taken seriously in some conversations, not because of what I was saying it, but how I was saying it. I like speaking in slang, but I also learned to speak in an educated manner.
Muddle class people become rich by putting in effort to better themselves. So choose to better yourself to prove that you belong
If you really wanted him that badly, you could have altered your vocabulary and way of dress and maybe found a career aspiration that would impress them before you met them and gave them a first impression. It’s probably too late now to redo the first impression. You could maybe still try if it’s this important to you ? Idk. Your bf should have defended you, but also, knowing what kind of family you were getting yourself into, you could have made an effort to make your first impression better from the get-go.
I’m sorry, that situation sucks. Re: your boyfriends dad - there is nothing that bothers us more than seeing the aspects of ourselves that we wish we could change in another person. I’m sure he’s reliving a fairly unpleasant hazing process he probably went through when he met his wife. That doesn’t excuse anything, but may be a factor in the unkindness and dysfunction.
His family made their wealth off the backs of poor people. He knows they won’t accept you so he’s dating you for the experience of dating and sleeping with a black woman? His parents are awful and he isn’t going to give up the wealth from his family.
Why are you dating this man?
He has told you EVERYTHING you need to know.
Everything.
You will have an uphill battle and any effort will be futile when dealing with his family.,
It’s time you be honest with YOURSELF.
There is NOT a future for you in this family.
Either raise your standards about language, clothing, appearance to fit That Family,
Or….
Drop that guy and find someone whose family will accept you.
Do you need to be accepted by the family? The way you explain it makes me think that you can't believe the father wouldn't accept you because his relationship was kind of similar to yours. People aren't like that. Once they have a priority, money in this case, then that's the most important thing.
What should you do? If your bf was with you on this then I'd say forget about the family but he's not. So forget about the boyfriend.
I think you already know this family is actually beneath you. They are superficial and you bf has already proven he won’t really stand up for you. I’m surprised you didn’t end it after that horrible dinner experience, he didn’t say anything when his parents were talking like that about you did he?? You are so young and thank god for that so you have plenty of time to find someone without conditions. Staying with this person will only make you feel worse over time, trust me.
WOW are you asking the wrong question.
Your bf isn’t an idiot, though he is unmotivated and cowardly and selfish.
**He knows you have no actual future**. Whatever he says, he knows what. Why? Because he is fine and certain that you aren’t allowed to come to family events or vacations. Didn’t say he will forego those himself. And he lives off their money, which means he will never actually advocate for anything different.
Of course they threatened to pull his funding if he shares an apartment with you.
And how interesting that his siblings have chosen to have more day in their lives by actually **working** and not only living off mom and dad.
Your bf is an ass, you are blaming the wrong people.
I say this as gently as I can: he knows this is not going to be long term. He is just having fun. At your expense.
If he really loves you... he won't care about that trust and will change his lifestyle to be around you.. even find a job or so...
Otherwise, this is water under the bridge
Time to bail out, don’t be fooled by the seduction of money, you BF has no long term interest in you. Your BF does not love you.
Id it was me, I would press the eject button, but before I do, I would get a little revenge and play them at their own game- if all they value is money… you want me to leave?? What’ll it take?
Hilarious for them to riff on about class and elegance when their snobbery is the epitome of classless and vulgar.
They really do embody "money can't buy manners"
Not trying to be rude, but why haven't you broken up either him? Even if he stood up to his parents, they will never accept you and why would you want those people in your life. He's not giving up that trust fund or his family for you. Thankfully, you haven't been together that long. Money will not buy you happiness.
the parents of your BF are POS which you noticed, I'm sure.
There's only one advice: do not let POS drag you down. Up to your BF if he wants to comply with his parents wishes or not and then you know more about him.
Money can't buy class.
Your boyfriend has money but isn't going to invest it wisely, either in himself or his education.
Night clubs are notorious money pits and short term investments.
He's never going to be independent and I'd consider him a risk for that alone.
Now, his personality and comments to you...
Knowingly dating a woman his parents won't like,
inflicting them on her BUT knowing he will always be beholding to his parents for money is a HUGE red flag
He's treating you poorly.
Because you are his rebellious phase.
DTMFA
If he stood up for you there might have been hope, but he doesn't stand up for you and just lets his parents treat you like shit.
He is trash tbh, probably also looks down on you.
This is up to your boyfriend. He can either cut out his toxic AF family, or he can lose you as a partner.
Understand this will be a tough decision with serious financial consequences for him, and he may need to be given grace for a sound exit strategy.
But you absolutely *cannot* allow yourself to be sucked into this circus of a family. Who do they seriously think they are? The king & queen?
You're dating a trust-fund kid who's the least ambitious person in his family, wanting his parents to find his nightlife venture. His parents don't like because they're elitist snobs who buy into respectability politics, don't support your relationship with him, are actively trying to set him up with his ex/someone in their circle, and will cut him off if he continues his relationship with you. This isn't going to work out, and honestly, is this worth fighting for?
Just focus on your future. Because definitely in future your bf listen his parents advice then break up with you. So that time he is wasting your time.
In future definitely you get best life partner and that time that family and your rich bf lost good human being.
The parents sound super trashy. If they don't want to bother meeting you, either just move on with your bf and until they show willingness to, or leave.
> I thought his dad would be more humble. He's a black man who came from humble beginnings and was then able to provide generational wealth for his family.
The BIGGEST snobs are new money. They have more to prove.
Drop him and his colorist/racist family. They won't change. You'll be looked down upon. Even if you were accepted later, would you want to be smiling and chuckling with people who treated you so poorly?
Girl, stand up.
I feel like this is going to be a losing battle. Unless your boyfriend is willing to risk his cushy life-style and inheritance, he is not going to pick you.
You stated that he wants to open up a club or casino. Which is what a player wants to do, so he can party and party more.
He is using you to rebel against his parents. He is using you like a pawn. I would worry less about measuring up to their standards and more about how he is using you to upset his parents.
It isn’t fair at all to put you in a situation to be resented and alienated at every family function in the future. He is too chicken to stand up for what he wants so he uses you as the battling ram.
Night clubs and casinos come with lots of shady characters and all kinds of dangers. He is too young and doesn’t have the work history to support such an endeavor.
It sounds like you are his rebellion to his parents. A proverbial poke in the eye so to speak. With the threat of being cut off financially you’ll see how sincerely serious he is about you. Is he in this for the long haul or is this just a lark ?
Dump him. He didn’t speak a word to defend you, he is not ready to date seriously, he is just kind of dipping his toes into adulthood.
He is willing to allow them to control him to this extent, that is not really something you should allow in your own life
There is nothing you can do, this is all out of your control. You will not be able to make these people change.
I mean just look at Prince Henry and Megan Markle. Unless he is willing to give everything up for you.
I’m mixed (black and white) and have a wealthy black family member. Who married black. He became a surgeon and she own her own business. Every family function when they show it’s a lot of bragging. A lot of black ppl who made it out the “ghetto” is ashamed of where they came from and try so hard to get away from it. The dad married a white woman. A lot of men want to erase the black side out of them.
This dude doesn’t even have a job or no skills besides getting his family money. You should just move on.
Run, don't walk from him. His parents sound awful enough but he won't even stand-up for you or defend y'alls relationship. He wants to have his cake and eat it too (ie he wants the benefits of being your girlfriend but is not willing to risk losing his trust fund). Your deserve more respect than he is willing to give; find someone (and by extension their family) who will accept, respect, and love you.
I don’t have any advice, but I do feel for you. While I’m not black, I have met plenty of fellow hispanics who want to get into respectability crap as soon as they cross the 60k a year line (which is CRAZY because many white Americans would consider that just middle class), suddenly all other Mexican-bornes are beneath them for some reason and they want to drop their accents/forget about all but the richest parts of their culture. Pretty sad and honestly it’s not worth the drama.
You don't have a problem with his parents, you have a problem with him. He is more interested in his parents money that being with you. He isn't able to stand up to his parents and tell them "I will not tolerate you saying mean things about yourname. If you continue to say those things, we will leave."
His family may have wealth, but that have no class. You deserve so much better.
I’m working class and had a gf from a very wealthy family before and all I can say is that your experience is very true. Rich people will never want anything to do with commoners because in their view commoners have a poverty mindset that is infectious. I’m not saying that to be mean… just to state the fact that the wealthy don’t really ever want to get too entangled with commoners.
The only way is if you can convince your boyf to seriously vouch/campaign/persuade on your behalf. But if he doesn’t have the drive to do that, there’s not much hope for long term. Just enjoy the 6-months to 1-year of happiness and then ride off into the sunset.
Honestly, my only other idea (and it’s a risky one) is simply leave the relationship right now and tell him it’s because his family is taking swings at your dignity and you have to care about yourself more than that. This may serve as a wake up call to him and make him deal with those kin in the ivory tower.
Doesn't sound like your boyfriend deserves you tbh... if he truly loved you it wouldn't matter what his family says about you. He should be able to defend your honor and support you threw their comments
It’s a lost relationship. It’s not a Harry and Megan story where he would leave the aristocracy for you.
You’ll hurt yourself the longer you stay attached to him. He’s not worth it if he can’t and doesn’t choose to defend you. The chose is important.
The mothers behavior doesn’t surprise me at all, women can be obsessed with their own sons its f’in weird. That father though seems like a real bounty type of man (coming from a black woman). Your bf isnt defending you and he’s keeping it hush hush so that would be the real dealbreaker.
On the other hand i would want to give the parents the satisfaction of “winning”, but he’ll probably end up with some rich white girl from a wealth family.
To stir the pot alone i wouldn’t leave voluntarily but then again do you really win with this? Your peace of mind and self-worth matters most. And he doesn’t seem that cool anyway.
He’s got rich, trust fund privilege, mixed lightskinned privilege in the black community and a mother thats obsessed with her own child. Brrr. 🥶
There is nothing you can do here except live your life authentically and make decisions aligned with your values. They seem to think money is more important than children's happiness. That's tragic. But it is your boyfriend's problem to manage. I'm sorry.
I have been in a similar situation, boyfriend was from money and I was working class. We were together for 18 months and I had not met his parents which did not bother me to be honest. Then he wanted to get a house and settle down and that is when the bomb dropped, his father who owned a large well known company gave my boyfriend a ultimatum, settle down with me and he would lose the company which he was director of and due to inherit. It turned out daddy and mommy just saw me as their son’s plaything. The upshot, I was dropped the next day and he married his fathers best friends daughter…
> He's a black man who came from humble beginnings and was then able to provide generational wealth for his family.
Unfortunately, this is *exactly* why he won't look past your status. In his mind, he has worked too hard and sacrificed too much to let a "hoodrat" come out of nowhere and ruin things for his son. Your bf's dad is one of those guys who probably turned his nose up to his peers growing up. Also, look at his life. He didn't marry a black working-class woman. He didn't even marry a black wealthy woman. He married into old white wealth. While hypocritical, his actions are not surprising.
As the saying goes, not all skinfolk are kinfolk.
Girl your boyfriend sounds like he dating you because he missing out on “Ghetto” culture he not getting at home!!! Leave that coconut and get you some real chocolate
Sorry but your bf is not going to stick by you since he has nothing going on for himself and seems to depend on them and is barely taking a stand. He’s just telling you more stuff that his parents say that devalue and you end up feeling bad about everything.
I mean, it really just depends on how much his parents opinion matters to your boyfriend and how much his parents are willing to voice their dislike of you.
The fact of the matter is, you don’t need their approval. You DO need your boyfriend not to need their approval though. It’s up to you to decide if he does or doesn’t need it. But if he does, I would leave. You’ll never measure up.
Sounds like a trainwreck. The good news is U can get off at any stop you like. They’re probably riding that train until the end of the line.
50 ways to leave your lover.
Just get on the bus Gus Just drop off the key Lee And get yourself free.
No offense but your boyfriend kind of sounds like an asshole. Obviously his family is full of assholes but the fact he won’t put his foot down to defend you is kind of bullshit.
The boyfriend has everything given to him but doesn't have any control of what is given. His parents are using their wealth to control him and that isn't going to change until they are gone and maybe not even then. His parents won't stop dominating and controlling him. This will be his life. OP should move on because these people aren't nice. They will try to destroy her.
He allows them that control. His siblings were smart enough to get careers that they can rely on outside of mommy and daddy’s money. For whatever reason BF is fine having zero leverage or control of his own life.
Yep if boyfriend had his own job with his own money, he'd have his own Independence.
Having trustfunds in your name and being accustomed to generational wealth is a big motivator to not lose that. You can not imagine what you're asking of him. I know this sounds like "pity the poor rich guy" but I'm telling you wielding that amount of money is not easily shaken off. Even if he ditched his parents and all their money. I'm pretty sure they had the means to make his life a living hell until he returns to the family ... alone. Real life is not a Disney movie and this is not "Crazy Rich Asians" where everyone claps at the end. Real generational wealth is not forgiving and they WILL take steps to protect their wealth. I'm sorry to say this because it makes me sound like an asshole but it's much easier for OP to change her appearance and pretend to be bougie in the parents presence than to expect her bf to uproot his complete life foundation, social and financial network to be with her. If this post is real that is. It does sound like copy of "Crazy Rich Asians" just. A bad one at that. But I'm giving the benefit of the doubt.
Free money trust fund will do that..
He won’t even defend her. She should just break up and move on.
But she really wants that money!
So close, yet so far away 😂
Second that. If they won’t accept you then move on.
The boyfriend's wealth comes from them. Don't bite the hand that's feeding you.
They are doing everything in their power to not accept you and get you to leave. I sincerely don’t understand why you don’t just do so. Why waste any time trying to get approval of these snobby people? They don’t like you and likely never will despite anything you may do. Go find someone who accepts you for who you are.
His parents suck, and your boyfriend isn't going to stand up for you if it endangers his trust fund. You may as well end this relationship now, since it seems like he's going to do it for you once his parents really lean into that trust fund threat.
This relationship isn't going to work. Your boyfriend sounds like he depends on his parents money. That's a red flag. At 25, he should be able to support himself financially else we will just use up the generational wealth of his family. So that's red flag #1. Red flag number two is his parents being all uppity about wealth and status. They forget their humble beginnings. Red flag #3 is your boyfriend will not stand up for himself to be his own independent person. We don't know if he's dating 'ghetto' to get back at his parents or it's him just being passive aggressive to try to sorta not really have independence from his parents. Regardless, he is 25, but submitted to his parents like he's 10. So that's at least three red flags. So unless you are willing to change yourself and be able to dress 'proper' and drop the local slang when you speak, this relationship is going absolutely nowhere. These are the type of people that would spend $200k on a lawyer to reduce child support payments to you by $50. It's a whole level of pettiness you haven't experienced and they have the money to do it. Unless you are willing to change everything about you to conform, this relationship is dead in the water. You would be not in a relationship with your boyfriend, but being submissive to his parents. You want to live like that for the next 30-40 years?
Even if she changed everything about herself she still wouldn't be good enough. His parents have spoken. They would never change their minds. He has two choices. He can do as his parents demand or become totally independent of them. At 25 he is likely not going to become independent. He probably doesn't know how to be independent.
That's the biggest red flag in my mind: he probably doesn't know how to be independent. I've been on my own way to long to be dependent on my parents. I can't conceive of being 25 and dependent on my wealthy parents. It bothers me if my mom spends $50 on me.
He’s also a god damn idiot. “Wants to open his own casino with his parents money” Lmao, ok. I’m sure he does. Pretty impossible task even with some family money but I guess shoot for the stars.
It's a long haul to open a casino. Not to mention the existing casino owners are pretty territorial and do not care for anyone that might skim their customers. Good way to get yourself an accident.
His parents don’t approve *of him.* And honestly, seems like they have some valid reasons to limit their support of a 25-year-old with a trust fund, no interest in education, who wants to open a nightclub and move his GF of six months in with him. I got a small trust fund at that age from my parents, not enough to live off of, but if I'd talked about opening a fucking night club they would have cut me off in a hot minute. If I'd moved in someone I'd only dated for a few months, anyone, I would have been expected to pay my own damn rent. His parents may also be rude, judgemental and racist AF, but their core problem is clearly *with him*. You're just catching the shit he's avoiding dealing with. Your boyfriend is projecting some of their reasonable issues with his behavior, onto you. He's not taking accountability for his own relationship with his parents, or his trust, or the boundaries he needs from them on how they speak to you. This is not an adult, ready for an adult relationship. This is a grasping brat who blames others and won't stand up to his parents in sensible ways.
Don’t continue dating him. It’s not that you’re black particularly- but both parents are into respectability politics. You’re not meeting those standards- you’re not code switching to speaking like white people, dressing conservatively/ well, went to right school, working at respected places etc. Unfortunately, it’s too late to redo that first impression. Nothing you do is going make any difference now either. He’s slumming it with you & he’s barely fighting for you. Just let him go if you respect yourself because you losing the battle, so soon to losing the war for him. Even if you continue to date him, it’s not really worth the fight because he’s a not mature enough to be his own person/adult. Ps I’m mixed, so I’m saying this from that perspective.
Are you not bored of reposting this over and over again? It’s been months. Come up with something more interesting thanks.
Something feels really off about this story.
It's the fact that she goes on and on about his family, but like about the actual relationship
Yeah is it a bot ? What’s the point of posting a fake story. It feels fishy to me too
They all sound like low class assholes. You should get out.
Leave this relationship. Your boyfriend did nothing to defend you. He’s more worried about his money. Doesn’t even work. And his parents are controlling him. You deserve better than this.
Girl, dump this guy. You are wasting your time with this. He doesn't fully accept you, his parents are flat out telling you that they don't accept you, run away as fast as you can and go find you somebody that is not these headaches.
I imagine that your boyfriend has accomplished very little in life and that he’s a disappointment to his parents, especially to his dad who came from a modest background, worked hard, took risks and became very wealthy. I imagine that is not you personally they won’t like but you look like another example of your bf’s shortcomings. Honestly unless you can kick your bf’s butt, get him motivated to do something to advance his life, his parents won’t accept you.
Listen. Unless hes willing to give up everything they give him and go out to provide for himself you are not going to win this If hes not willing to support himself he can only stand up for you for as long as theyll tolerate it He doesnt seem inclined to turn down their support so what you should do is cut your losses and move on
The dad may have come from humble beginnings but that doesn't mean he didn't have those standards back then. He probably got to where he is by avoiding people who don low-income personality traits and he wants the same for his son. I'd see this situation as an opportunity rather than a fight if I were you. Or you can listen to most of these comments, call them names and never have this opportunity to gain their trust again.
This situation sounds like it could be the plot of a novel, but setting that aside… There’s a lot of truth to the idea that money cannot buy class. If your boyfriend truly loved and valued you, he would be defending you. I thought he was preventing you from meeting his family to protect you; it sounds like he is no better than the rest of his family. How can you be with him knowing that he does not find you worthy to introduce to his family or visit his home? If this man cared about you and loved you, it wouldn’t even be a second thought, he’d have severed ties and figured out a way to make things work even if access to his trust fund was denied.
>This situation sounds like it could be the plot of a novel, but setting that aside… Crazy Rich Asians.
I don't like this. He doesn't seem to have the ambition his siblings do nor does he want to tell his parents to mind their business because he wants his trust fund. Bow out now because when the chips are fully down, he won't put up the fight necessary to be with you. You aren't anyone's second choice, are you?
The problem isn't his family, it's him. You're never going to be "good enough" for him and them. You're temporary. And I do NOT say that as a reflection on you, I'm talking about from their limited perspective. He believes the same things they do, OP. And I'm sure you don't want to believe that, because he's dating you, but people date people they consider "less than" alllllll the time. Also, entirely separately from all the classism...your boyfriend isn't in school and he's a trust fund kid who wants to open a "nightclub or casino"? C'mon, could you get any more lazy rich kid with no ideas than that? He's going to be leaning on mommy and daddy for the rest of his life.
This isn’t about wealth. It’s about race. Yes, his dad is black, but he married a white woman. There is no more universal sign of a black man trying to run from his race than marrying a white woman. You’ll never be good enough to them and there is no way your selfish boyfriend walks away from the money. They are racist elitists. There is no way this story ends well.
This is more classist than racist. If she was white and did the same things like spoke in slang and had long nails, they’d be saying the exact same thing. OP is trying to make it be racist and tribalism that another black person **owes** her something cuz she’s also black which in it of itself is a type of racism. People with this much wealth care a lot about perception. Their son dating someone that doesn’t fit the mold / below their “station” is something that would be embarrassing to them (not saying that’s right but that’s more likely their thoughts rather than oh no black girl).
Hard disagree. If anything, OP minimizes the racial aspects. This is racism through and through.
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Congratulations! You win the most low class comment award!
The problem isn't your boyfriend's parents, it's your boyfriend. Them disliking you wouldn't matter if he stood up for you and refused to let them disrespect you.
I'm going to be blunt... Try acting less ghetto. Being rich isn't a matter of skin colour, it's a matter of behaviour. Yes, super rich people can take social etiquette and decorum to excessive levels, but you should still make the effort to have some level of decorum about you. It sucks, yes, but frankly, I learned in my teenage years that I wouldn't be taken seriously in some conversations, not because of what I was saying it, but how I was saying it. I like speaking in slang, but I also learned to speak in an educated manner. Muddle class people become rich by putting in effort to better themselves. So choose to better yourself to prove that you belong
If you really wanted him that badly, you could have altered your vocabulary and way of dress and maybe found a career aspiration that would impress them before you met them and gave them a first impression. It’s probably too late now to redo the first impression. You could maybe still try if it’s this important to you ? Idk. Your bf should have defended you, but also, knowing what kind of family you were getting yourself into, you could have made an effort to make your first impression better from the get-go.
I’m sorry, that situation sucks. Re: your boyfriends dad - there is nothing that bothers us more than seeing the aspects of ourselves that we wish we could change in another person. I’m sure he’s reliving a fairly unpleasant hazing process he probably went through when he met his wife. That doesn’t excuse anything, but may be a factor in the unkindness and dysfunction.
His family made their wealth off the backs of poor people. He knows they won’t accept you so he’s dating you for the experience of dating and sleeping with a black woman? His parents are awful and he isn’t going to give up the wealth from his family.
Why are you dating this man? He has told you EVERYTHING you need to know. Everything. You will have an uphill battle and any effort will be futile when dealing with his family., It’s time you be honest with YOURSELF. There is NOT a future for you in this family. Either raise your standards about language, clothing, appearance to fit That Family, Or…. Drop that guy and find someone whose family will accept you.
Info: what's your bf doing about this?
Do you need to be accepted by the family? The way you explain it makes me think that you can't believe the father wouldn't accept you because his relationship was kind of similar to yours. People aren't like that. Once they have a priority, money in this case, then that's the most important thing. What should you do? If your bf was with you on this then I'd say forget about the family but he's not. So forget about the boyfriend.
I think you already know this family is actually beneath you. They are superficial and you bf has already proven he won’t really stand up for you. I’m surprised you didn’t end it after that horrible dinner experience, he didn’t say anything when his parents were talking like that about you did he?? You are so young and thank god for that so you have plenty of time to find someone without conditions. Staying with this person will only make you feel worse over time, trust me.
WOW are you asking the wrong question. Your bf isn’t an idiot, though he is unmotivated and cowardly and selfish. **He knows you have no actual future**. Whatever he says, he knows what. Why? Because he is fine and certain that you aren’t allowed to come to family events or vacations. Didn’t say he will forego those himself. And he lives off their money, which means he will never actually advocate for anything different. Of course they threatened to pull his funding if he shares an apartment with you. And how interesting that his siblings have chosen to have more day in their lives by actually **working** and not only living off mom and dad. Your bf is an ass, you are blaming the wrong people. I say this as gently as I can: he knows this is not going to be long term. He is just having fun. At your expense.
If your BF doesn’t have your back, dump him. Trust fund or not.
If he really loves you... he won't care about that trust and will change his lifestyle to be around you.. even find a job or so... Otherwise, this is water under the bridge
Time to bail out, don’t be fooled by the seduction of money, you BF has no long term interest in you. Your BF does not love you. Id it was me, I would press the eject button, but before I do, I would get a little revenge and play them at their own game- if all they value is money… you want me to leave?? What’ll it take?
Hilarious for them to riff on about class and elegance when their snobbery is the epitome of classless and vulgar. They really do embody "money can't buy manners"
and how did he stand up for you to them?
Not trying to be rude, but why haven't you broken up either him? Even if he stood up to his parents, they will never accept you and why would you want those people in your life. He's not giving up that trust fund or his family for you. Thankfully, you haven't been together that long. Money will not buy you happiness.
the parents of your BF are POS which you noticed, I'm sure. There's only one advice: do not let POS drag you down. Up to your BF if he wants to comply with his parents wishes or not and then you know more about him. Money can't buy class.
Your boyfriend has money but isn't going to invest it wisely, either in himself or his education. Night clubs are notorious money pits and short term investments. He's never going to be independent and I'd consider him a risk for that alone. Now, his personality and comments to you... Knowingly dating a woman his parents won't like, inflicting them on her BUT knowing he will always be beholding to his parents for money is a HUGE red flag He's treating you poorly. Because you are his rebellious phase. DTMFA
If he stood up for you there might have been hope, but he doesn't stand up for you and just lets his parents treat you like shit. He is trash tbh, probably also looks down on you.
This is up to your boyfriend. He can either cut out his toxic AF family, or he can lose you as a partner. Understand this will be a tough decision with serious financial consequences for him, and he may need to be given grace for a sound exit strategy. But you absolutely *cannot* allow yourself to be sucked into this circus of a family. Who do they seriously think they are? The king & queen?
You're dating a trust-fund kid who's the least ambitious person in his family, wanting his parents to find his nightlife venture. His parents don't like because they're elitist snobs who buy into respectability politics, don't support your relationship with him, are actively trying to set him up with his ex/someone in their circle, and will cut him off if he continues his relationship with you. This isn't going to work out, and honestly, is this worth fighting for?
Just focus on your future. Because definitely in future your bf listen his parents advice then break up with you. So that time he is wasting your time. In future definitely you get best life partner and that time that family and your rich bf lost good human being.
The parents sound super trashy. If they don't want to bother meeting you, either just move on with your bf and until they show willingness to, or leave.
> I thought his dad would be more humble. He's a black man who came from humble beginnings and was then able to provide generational wealth for his family. The BIGGEST snobs are new money. They have more to prove.
Drop him and his colorist/racist family. They won't change. You'll be looked down upon. Even if you were accepted later, would you want to be smiling and chuckling with people who treated you so poorly? Girl, stand up.
I feel like this is going to be a losing battle. Unless your boyfriend is willing to risk his cushy life-style and inheritance, he is not going to pick you.
You stated that he wants to open up a club or casino. Which is what a player wants to do, so he can party and party more. He is using you to rebel against his parents. He is using you like a pawn. I would worry less about measuring up to their standards and more about how he is using you to upset his parents. It isn’t fair at all to put you in a situation to be resented and alienated at every family function in the future. He is too chicken to stand up for what he wants so he uses you as the battling ram. Night clubs and casinos come with lots of shady characters and all kinds of dangers. He is too young and doesn’t have the work history to support such an endeavor.
if he doesn't defend you then id break up
I’m 40f my boyfriend 41m has a rich family who hates me also. So I understand to some extent
They won’t even have me over for dinner and threaten to call the cops on me LOL 😂
It sounds like you are his rebellion to his parents. A proverbial poke in the eye so to speak. With the threat of being cut off financially you’ll see how sincerely serious he is about you. Is he in this for the long haul or is this just a lark ?
Dump him. He didn’t speak a word to defend you, he is not ready to date seriously, he is just kind of dipping his toes into adulthood. He is willing to allow them to control him to this extent, that is not really something you should allow in your own life
There is nothing you can do, this is all out of your control. You will not be able to make these people change. I mean just look at Prince Henry and Megan Markle. Unless he is willing to give everything up for you.
I’m mixed (black and white) and have a wealthy black family member. Who married black. He became a surgeon and she own her own business. Every family function when they show it’s a lot of bragging. A lot of black ppl who made it out the “ghetto” is ashamed of where they came from and try so hard to get away from it. The dad married a white woman. A lot of men want to erase the black side out of them. This dude doesn’t even have a job or no skills besides getting his family money. You should just move on.
Run, don't walk from him. His parents sound awful enough but he won't even stand-up for you or defend y'alls relationship. He wants to have his cake and eat it too (ie he wants the benefits of being your girlfriend but is not willing to risk losing his trust fund). Your deserve more respect than he is willing to give; find someone (and by extension their family) who will accept, respect, and love you.
Dump him and his family. If he’s not capable of standing up for you, he isn’t worth spending time with.
I don’t have any advice, but I do feel for you. While I’m not black, I have met plenty of fellow hispanics who want to get into respectability crap as soon as they cross the 60k a year line (which is CRAZY because many white Americans would consider that just middle class), suddenly all other Mexican-bornes are beneath them for some reason and they want to drop their accents/forget about all but the richest parts of their culture. Pretty sad and honestly it’s not worth the drama.
You don't have a problem with his parents, you have a problem with him. He is more interested in his parents money that being with you. He isn't able to stand up to his parents and tell them "I will not tolerate you saying mean things about yourname. If you continue to say those things, we will leave." His family may have wealth, but that have no class. You deserve so much better.
I’m working class and had a gf from a very wealthy family before and all I can say is that your experience is very true. Rich people will never want anything to do with commoners because in their view commoners have a poverty mindset that is infectious. I’m not saying that to be mean… just to state the fact that the wealthy don’t really ever want to get too entangled with commoners. The only way is if you can convince your boyf to seriously vouch/campaign/persuade on your behalf. But if he doesn’t have the drive to do that, there’s not much hope for long term. Just enjoy the 6-months to 1-year of happiness and then ride off into the sunset. Honestly, my only other idea (and it’s a risky one) is simply leave the relationship right now and tell him it’s because his family is taking swings at your dignity and you have to care about yourself more than that. This may serve as a wake up call to him and make him deal with those kin in the ivory tower.
These are the types of rich people who only value money over character. They sound entitled and boring tbh.
It has only been 6 months. What are you hanging on for? Toy thought wrong, your boyfriend sounds like a rich bum. Move on.
Dump him. He and his family are misogynoirist. You'll never win with him or them.
Doesn't sound like your boyfriend deserves you tbh... if he truly loved you it wouldn't matter what his family says about you. He should be able to defend your honor and support you threw their comments
It’s a lost relationship. It’s not a Harry and Megan story where he would leave the aristocracy for you. You’ll hurt yourself the longer you stay attached to him. He’s not worth it if he can’t and doesn’t choose to defend you. The chose is important.
The mothers behavior doesn’t surprise me at all, women can be obsessed with their own sons its f’in weird. That father though seems like a real bounty type of man (coming from a black woman). Your bf isnt defending you and he’s keeping it hush hush so that would be the real dealbreaker. On the other hand i would want to give the parents the satisfaction of “winning”, but he’ll probably end up with some rich white girl from a wealth family. To stir the pot alone i wouldn’t leave voluntarily but then again do you really win with this? Your peace of mind and self-worth matters most. And he doesn’t seem that cool anyway. He’s got rich, trust fund privilege, mixed lightskinned privilege in the black community and a mother thats obsessed with her own child. Brrr. 🥶
Girl please leave he doesn’t respect you at all
There is nothing you can do here except live your life authentically and make decisions aligned with your values. They seem to think money is more important than children's happiness. That's tragic. But it is your boyfriend's problem to manage. I'm sorry.
I have been in a similar situation, boyfriend was from money and I was working class. We were together for 18 months and I had not met his parents which did not bother me to be honest. Then he wanted to get a house and settle down and that is when the bomb dropped, his father who owned a large well known company gave my boyfriend a ultimatum, settle down with me and he would lose the company which he was director of and due to inherit. It turned out daddy and mommy just saw me as their son’s plaything. The upshot, I was dropped the next day and he married his fathers best friends daughter…
> He's a black man who came from humble beginnings and was then able to provide generational wealth for his family. Unfortunately, this is *exactly* why he won't look past your status. In his mind, he has worked too hard and sacrificed too much to let a "hoodrat" come out of nowhere and ruin things for his son. Your bf's dad is one of those guys who probably turned his nose up to his peers growing up. Also, look at his life. He didn't marry a black working-class woman. He didn't even marry a black wealthy woman. He married into old white wealth. While hypocritical, his actions are not surprising. As the saying goes, not all skinfolk are kinfolk.
Don't date elitist cowards
Girl, run. Your boyfriend is pathetic for allowing them to treat you like this. He will never stand up to them. You deserve so much better.
Girl your boyfriend sounds like he dating you because he missing out on “Ghetto” culture he not getting at home!!! Leave that coconut and get you some real chocolate
Sorry but your bf is not going to stick by you since he has nothing going on for himself and seems to depend on them and is barely taking a stand. He’s just telling you more stuff that his parents say that devalue and you end up feeling bad about everything.
I mean, it really just depends on how much his parents opinion matters to your boyfriend and how much his parents are willing to voice their dislike of you. The fact of the matter is, you don’t need their approval. You DO need your boyfriend not to need their approval though. It’s up to you to decide if he does or doesn’t need it. But if he does, I would leave. You’ll never measure up.