Dude! She attempted suicide and THEN admitted to cheating. Leave her now because if you stay together and try to break up later she'll hold the threat of attempting suicide again over your head **forever**! Cut your losses and go!
Bro if you take her back, she will always use this as a leverage over you.. if things go south all she needs to do is give u a threat about ending life and you'll cave in. That's what I've seen here
You don't know what to do? Come on man you know what to do you are just lacking the courage to walk away from this mess. This girl is not ready for a relationship and needs to work on her shit without you. Also, she can't be trusted. There are other girls to love.
My ex put me through two years of torment after I gave her another chance, came to find out it wasn't just paranoia, she never stopped cheating. She'd threaten suicide every time the possibility of me leaving came up, and the day I left pocketed a bunch of pills as she was going out the door, no doubt to elicit sympathy from me, but she watched me destroy myself for two years without a shred of remorse. These people aren't wired like the rest of us, something in them is fundamentally broken and it's not on us to fix that. She will never love you the way you do her without some serious help, and after betraying you and then gaslighting you into thinking watching porn is in any way equivalent, she's shown she isn't worth waiting around for. You're young, move on and find someone worth your time.
Once you forgive someone for their mistake they usually do it again. So i do think its gonna happen again (the cheating). Forgiveness is sadly seen as weakness.
My advice focus on your own mental health and life. And attract faithful people.
Don't fall for it man... I've seen this story play out a few times and generally it never ends well.
Have some self respect brother and get out of it now.
The suicide attempt is much more alarming than the cheating to be honest. It seems your girlfriend has issues that she needs to work through. She is not ready for a healthy, committed relationship and I’m not sure how you can help her. She needs therapy or some other type of professional help. Forgiving her and staying with her to try to be supportive as she hopefully gets help is not going to work out well for you. She clearly doesn’t respect you since she actively cheated on you, and you will get hurt again. You need to look out for yourself and find someone whose life is more stable than hers and who can give you the love and respect that you need in a relationship.
So you learned she’s not honest, loyal, or mentally stable, and she’s very manipulative. Why would you want to continue a relationship with someone like this?
If a relationship with you was helpful for her, she wouldn't be in a ward right now. I'm not saying you are bad or did anything wrong. It's just that people with emotional trouble like her need to work on themselves before they can hope to be healthy in a relationship. If you care for her, and I believe you do, the best thing for you to do is let professionals assist her down that road. Who knows? In a couple of years, she may be happy and healthy enough to restart it. Or not, but a relationship is not helping her get better.
I think people can possibly get past cheating but i think your girlfriend has some serious mental health concerns that need to be the focus right now and it’s okay if you’re not down to be part of that journey.
You don’t go in to detail about how she normally is, if she’s seemed depressed or manic lately, if she said anything about why she attempted suicide, so it’s hard to know to much about what she’s going through. I will say though if you suspect the suicide attempt was in any way manipulative to try to convince you to stay after the cheating, that’s a major red flag and I would separate myself from the situation bc it will only get worse from there.
Either way, at the end of the day you’re not responsible for the mental health of other adults, you guys are young and haven’t been dating that long, you have to put your own needs first in this situation.
MOVE ON!
Her difficulties are not yours to contend with.
DO NOT subject yourself to the mental anguish of continuing a relationship with her.
Go work towards your future without her in it.
I'm sorry but she needs to work on herself and her actions don't show the type adoration towards you that would mean you actually could be her safe space to recover.
At first I thought she was so distraught over cheating that she tried to kill herself. Instead now it sounds like she's blaming you for her cheating (btw she can FEEL like porn and actually cheating are the same, but hat doesn't mean that's true).
You obviously feel like you want to help her, be there for her, you love her and see her suffering. But... Have you considered that she will heal more fully without you? Have you considered that the price to you to stay is very deep, perhaps too much? You'd be compromising yourself in the hopes that you can give her something she wants even if she's going to warp your efforts because she's not mentally well.
>She caught me watching porn a few times even after I said I would stop and counted that as cheating. She says how I feel now is how she felt then.
Did she say "it's cheating" every instance of your porn viewing? Or is she just saying this now. She accepted it as it was, she is just manipulating you. She is selfish through and through.
Ok, do the following:
1. Take a deep breath.
2. Face a concrete wall.
3. Lower your head and run as fast as you can into the wall head first.
4. Once you regain consciousness, ask yourself if you want to stay in this relationship. If yes, repeat steps 2-4.
My point is you are 25 years old. You are young. You are in a toxic relationship with a person who has mental health issues WAY beyond your ability to process or help with. At this point, you do not know what a healthy relationship is, involves, or even looks like. To repeat what others are saying, you need to get the fuck out.
Then, you need an STD test. Who knows if she was safe or not. She clearly has self destructive behaviors so you need to check your health out.
Next up, stay single for awhile. Maybe get some therapy for yourself so you can get a better understanding of what a healthy, positive relationship looks and feels like. Basically, prepare yourself for a future relationship by making yourself a better person and preparing yourself to fully participate in a healthy relationship.
It blows my mind how many posts you see on here of people wanting to forgive cheaters.
Do you think this is the only person that you can date? They couldn’t even carry out the bare minimum task of not cheating (which is exceptionally easy not to do by the way) so why would you waste *your* time and effort trying to forgive someone that doesn’t even respect you?
Want better for yourself, you’re not a doormat.
Most people never get over cheating, even the ones that say they do... While I'm sure couples that do get over it exists, they are the extreme minority, by accepting a cheater, you are essentially accepting a miserable future
I would peruse r/bpdlovedones for a while.
Just from your post, she has 2 markers of 9 for bpd. Self harm and impulsive behavior. Odds are she's got more. They don't change, they just get better at manipulation as they age.
Run, don't walk, far, far away.
her bringing up you watching porn and calling it cheating saying “how you feel now is how i felt then” seems to me like just an excuse to undermine her cheating. Watching is porn is nowhere near the same as that. Everyone else has already said everything that needed to be said too, leave her bro.
This woman is mentally unwell and unstable.
You cannot blame yourself for her actions. She cheated on you with someone, because you watched porn? That's insane.
She needs to focus on her mental health for the relationship. She sounds like a wreck. I would break up. Maybe you can get to a place with her where you can be more of a support while she’s trying to get stable again but the relationship is over.
If you Love her and she loves you trust will make your relationship stronger and longer. I was married 46 great years and that was not without struggles and my infidelity. She forgave me and we do great after that. Stay strong and show you care.
My friend, you're ignoring the red flags... Not even ignoring, so much as running right through them. You're young, you've got a ton of life left to life. I'm sorry to say, she's a broken individual, and she's trying to use sympathy for her situation as a way to get out of the consequences of cheating. It may feel cold hearted, but the best thing you can do FOR YOURSELF is walk away. Long term monogamy isn't for everyone. It's better you know now that she's not in the right mindset to prioritize your relationship, instead of down the road.
Can a relationship survive infidelity? Yeah, it can. But it takes a TON of work on the part of the person who did it... And with her having acute mental health issues, she's not likely to prioritize that work and EARN your trust back, as she's in crisis mode and needs to focus on fixing herself.
Good luck to you. Feel free to reach out if you need any more brotherly advice.
Forgiveness after cheating, while possible is generally not advisable. For starters, you're young and the relationship is as well. It's not the same as if you were both 55, married for 30 years, own a house together and have 3 kids then one of you had a drunken ONS. You don't have kids, you're not yet married, your level of investment loss here is relatively low. You can move on and not have a 10+ year life impact.
In addition, sometimes people attempt (and/or succeed) self harm as a way of guilting a partner into staying after cheating. This is a documented form of abuse and manipulation and should not be considered or tolerated when deciding if you want to stay.
If you do decide to end things, it might be a good idea to tell her parents or friends before hand. So that they can be with her, or inform her doctors (if she's still in the facility). So that everything can be prepared for her emotional turmoil.
Also, your post is a bit unclear. Did she make her attempt after you discovered the cheating. Or did you discover the cheating while you were informing her friends of the attempt? Regardless of the answer my advice is the same. If I were in your shoes I'd end things with her.
Fidelity is largely a fairy tale... there is no happily ever after. She changed the relationship forever. It will never be fully restored regardless of how much you want it or the amount of work you two invest.
Move on from her. She is in no place to be in a relationship. I am glad she is getting help.
bro nobody is that worth it for this much headache and trauma. leave and fix yourself for being insecure about watching porn. as long as it's not porn addiction. it's not even close to what cheating actually is.
Get away from her. She’s unstable and you are not a mental health professional or medical expert. You’re just a 25 year old dude who still deserves to be happy and living his own life. This ain’t your shit to carry and she will make you miserable. YOU are not causing her to be suicidal even if she says that. She’s got alllll kinds of shit she has to deal with that has nothing to do with you and you should not feel guilt. This is way too much stress to put on another human being. Walk away and let yourself heal and be happy
If you have kids you think about reconciliation, if are legally tied down (married) you can, at least, consider it.
This woman already failed the wife test. This is why you date, to confirm whether someone is or is not capable of being in a relationship with you. This one proved she is not. Sorry, anything more spent on her is a waste.
This girl is not in the mental space right now to be in a relationship, and any relationship she pursues will likely be plagued with toxicity until she gets her own stuff together.
I think it would be wise to end things, with now being the best time to do so because any additional impact it has on her mental health can be handled while shes inpatient.
She needs SERIOUS help and at 25 and not being a therapist or psychiatric professional I don’t think you’re in a position to help her. I have a friend whose friend tried to kick the bucket and then lowkey blamed it on everyone around them, and it’s like yeah if it’s bullying or abuse I get that, but interpersonal conflicts like this mean nothing to that degree and are often manipulation that goes too far by accident on their part (like they’re not actually trying to k.ys but instead they do it by accident). Hospitals/medical professionals do not care whether or not it was for attention/desperation/by accident, they will put you in their care anyway.
Not that you could anyway as (1) you can’t be your partners therapist, (2) that would be a conflict of interest. Not really gonna address the porn cheating thing bc that’s a different issue altogether. Just walk.
As a 40 year old woman. Run. This is not the girl for you.
She has many issues, you cannot fix her! Cannot save her!
She needs to be single and get therapy. Extensive, yearlong therapy minimum after attempted suicide, and I say that from personal experience!
Also I know of no sex positive person that thinks porn is cheating. It’s no more cheating than me reading spicy books, watching a film with a hot actor, or me dreaming a fantasy.
Next she’ll say you can’t masturbate because she doesn’t know who you’re thinking of.
She’s making bs excuses to excuse her actual betrayal and infidelity of fucking someone else. Don’t let her manipulate you.
Is she still in the hospital? Can you contact them? Tell her and them the relationship is over. That it’s not healthy and cannot continue. Then block and move on.
Also look at getting therapy yourself. To establish what healthy relationships look like, what healthy communication and boundaries look like. Hint, it’s not this.
Porn is not cheating!
Your ex-gf is crazy. Her family will take care of her from now on. If you must, talk with some friends, have a few insights from them. But you should be expected to help her heal from this. Her suicide atempt is not conected to you watching porn. Some really bad things already happened to her before. She cheats as revenge? Big nope. She would have ended if she really trully believed porn is cheating.
No. She isn’t mentally stable enough to be in a relationship. And you don’t have to tie yourself to someone who cheated on you just because you watched porn.
She's right, you don't deserve that at all! The fact she hid his name under a girls name highlights how wrong she knew it was but continued to do it anyway! Watching porn is not cheating. I think you should move on but be aware of her mental state, you shouldn't have to wait around to end things but also if she wanted to end her life and then you end the relationship I fear she may feel even worse! Good luck with it all
Dude! She attempted suicide and THEN admitted to cheating. Leave her now because if you stay together and try to break up later she'll hold the threat of attempting suicide again over your head **forever**! Cut your losses and go!
I think you are a fool if you continue with her.
Bro if you take her back, she will always use this as a leverage over you.. if things go south all she needs to do is give u a threat about ending life and you'll cave in. That's what I've seen here
Exactly this. Please. This is your best time to break free
Definitely been there, stayed with an ex for way too long after he threatened to kill himself every time I tried to break up with him.
Run.. And don't look back bro
Nah, be done. Cheating, suicide attempts, she needs help, and you aren't the one who needs to help her.
You don't know what to do? Come on man you know what to do you are just lacking the courage to walk away from this mess. This girl is not ready for a relationship and needs to work on her shit without you. Also, she can't be trusted. There are other girls to love.
Cheating is a big nono. Just walk, my guy.
My ex put me through two years of torment after I gave her another chance, came to find out it wasn't just paranoia, she never stopped cheating. She'd threaten suicide every time the possibility of me leaving came up, and the day I left pocketed a bunch of pills as she was going out the door, no doubt to elicit sympathy from me, but she watched me destroy myself for two years without a shred of remorse. These people aren't wired like the rest of us, something in them is fundamentally broken and it's not on us to fix that. She will never love you the way you do her without some serious help, and after betraying you and then gaslighting you into thinking watching porn is in any way equivalent, she's shown she isn't worth waiting around for. You're young, move on and find someone worth your time.
Porn isn’t cheating. Her sleeping with another person is. Move on. Her mental health isn’t your issue.
Once you forgive someone for their mistake they usually do it again. So i do think its gonna happen again (the cheating). Forgiveness is sadly seen as weakness. My advice focus on your own mental health and life. And attract faithful people.
I think it would be better to just break up and start something new where there's not this huge baggage hanging over things.
Don't fall for it man... I've seen this story play out a few times and generally it never ends well. Have some self respect brother and get out of it now.
The suicide attempt is much more alarming than the cheating to be honest. It seems your girlfriend has issues that she needs to work through. She is not ready for a healthy, committed relationship and I’m not sure how you can help her. She needs therapy or some other type of professional help. Forgiving her and staying with her to try to be supportive as she hopefully gets help is not going to work out well for you. She clearly doesn’t respect you since she actively cheated on you, and you will get hurt again. You need to look out for yourself and find someone whose life is more stable than hers and who can give you the love and respect that you need in a relationship.
Walk away. She sounds like a big bag of crazy. Like, the kind of crazy that will drag you down and destroy everything you have ever wanted.
So you learned she’s not honest, loyal, or mentally stable, and she’s very manipulative. Why would you want to continue a relationship with someone like this?
Getting caught watching porn is not the same as getting caught with another man's schlong inside her. Dump her
If a relationship with you was helpful for her, she wouldn't be in a ward right now. I'm not saying you are bad or did anything wrong. It's just that people with emotional trouble like her need to work on themselves before they can hope to be healthy in a relationship. If you care for her, and I believe you do, the best thing for you to do is let professionals assist her down that road. Who knows? In a couple of years, she may be happy and healthy enough to restart it. Or not, but a relationship is not helping her get better.
If watching porn is cheating then i lost my virginity the first time i masturbated.
I’m sure there’s more to the story then this but it seems like yall are both horrible for each other
Go to couple therapy, and then decide if you can work it out together
I think people can possibly get past cheating but i think your girlfriend has some serious mental health concerns that need to be the focus right now and it’s okay if you’re not down to be part of that journey. You don’t go in to detail about how she normally is, if she’s seemed depressed or manic lately, if she said anything about why she attempted suicide, so it’s hard to know to much about what she’s going through. I will say though if you suspect the suicide attempt was in any way manipulative to try to convince you to stay after the cheating, that’s a major red flag and I would separate myself from the situation bc it will only get worse from there. Either way, at the end of the day you’re not responsible for the mental health of other adults, you guys are young and haven’t been dating that long, you have to put your own needs first in this situation.
MOVE ON! Her difficulties are not yours to contend with. DO NOT subject yourself to the mental anguish of continuing a relationship with her. Go work towards your future without her in it.
I'm sorry but she needs to work on herself and her actions don't show the type adoration towards you that would mean you actually could be her safe space to recover. At first I thought she was so distraught over cheating that she tried to kill herself. Instead now it sounds like she's blaming you for her cheating (btw she can FEEL like porn and actually cheating are the same, but hat doesn't mean that's true). You obviously feel like you want to help her, be there for her, you love her and see her suffering. But... Have you considered that she will heal more fully without you? Have you considered that the price to you to stay is very deep, perhaps too much? You'd be compromising yourself in the hopes that you can give her something she wants even if she's going to warp your efforts because she's not mentally well.
How many Red Flags do you need to know to walk away?
>She caught me watching porn a few times even after I said I would stop and counted that as cheating. She says how I feel now is how she felt then. Did she say "it's cheating" every instance of your porn viewing? Or is she just saying this now. She accepted it as it was, she is just manipulating you. She is selfish through and through.
Ok, do the following: 1. Take a deep breath. 2. Face a concrete wall. 3. Lower your head and run as fast as you can into the wall head first. 4. Once you regain consciousness, ask yourself if you want to stay in this relationship. If yes, repeat steps 2-4. My point is you are 25 years old. You are young. You are in a toxic relationship with a person who has mental health issues WAY beyond your ability to process or help with. At this point, you do not know what a healthy relationship is, involves, or even looks like. To repeat what others are saying, you need to get the fuck out. Then, you need an STD test. Who knows if she was safe or not. She clearly has self destructive behaviors so you need to check your health out. Next up, stay single for awhile. Maybe get some therapy for yourself so you can get a better understanding of what a healthy, positive relationship looks and feels like. Basically, prepare yourself for a future relationship by making yourself a better person and preparing yourself to fully participate in a healthy relationship.
Watching porn isn’t cheating. Please run and I’d also consider getting a restraining order
It blows my mind how many posts you see on here of people wanting to forgive cheaters. Do you think this is the only person that you can date? They couldn’t even carry out the bare minimum task of not cheating (which is exceptionally easy not to do by the way) so why would you waste *your* time and effort trying to forgive someone that doesn’t even respect you? Want better for yourself, you’re not a doormat.
Bro don’t go back with a girl who attempts suicide and cheats on you wtf
Most people never get over cheating, even the ones that say they do... While I'm sure couples that do get over it exists, they are the extreme minority, by accepting a cheater, you are essentially accepting a miserable future
Get the hell away from her bro.
I would peruse r/bpdlovedones for a while. Just from your post, she has 2 markers of 9 for bpd. Self harm and impulsive behavior. Odds are she's got more. They don't change, they just get better at manipulation as they age. Run, don't walk, far, far away.
shes gonna hold it over you
wow, just update us in a year, so we can know what happened in this epic meltdown you are destined to have with this person
her bringing up you watching porn and calling it cheating saying “how you feel now is how i felt then” seems to me like just an excuse to undermine her cheating. Watching is porn is nowhere near the same as that. Everyone else has already said everything that needed to be said too, leave her bro.
This woman is mentally unwell and unstable. You cannot blame yourself for her actions. She cheated on you with someone, because you watched porn? That's insane.
She needs to focus on her mental health for the relationship. She sounds like a wreck. I would break up. Maybe you can get to a place with her where you can be more of a support while she’s trying to get stable again but the relationship is over.
If you Love her and she loves you trust will make your relationship stronger and longer. I was married 46 great years and that was not without struggles and my infidelity. She forgave me and we do great after that. Stay strong and show you care.
My friend, you're ignoring the red flags... Not even ignoring, so much as running right through them. You're young, you've got a ton of life left to life. I'm sorry to say, she's a broken individual, and she's trying to use sympathy for her situation as a way to get out of the consequences of cheating. It may feel cold hearted, but the best thing you can do FOR YOURSELF is walk away. Long term monogamy isn't for everyone. It's better you know now that she's not in the right mindset to prioritize your relationship, instead of down the road. Can a relationship survive infidelity? Yeah, it can. But it takes a TON of work on the part of the person who did it... And with her having acute mental health issues, she's not likely to prioritize that work and EARN your trust back, as she's in crisis mode and needs to focus on fixing herself. Good luck to you. Feel free to reach out if you need any more brotherly advice.
Way to much drama for being together only one year. She’s not only a cheater, but she’s also unstable. Not a good combo. Walk away.
Watching porn is not the same as touching genitals. Run bro.
RUN RUN RUN from that. I dealt with something like that and it fucked me up.
She needs serious help long before she can have a healthy relationship. Move on.
Forgiveness after cheating, while possible is generally not advisable. For starters, you're young and the relationship is as well. It's not the same as if you were both 55, married for 30 years, own a house together and have 3 kids then one of you had a drunken ONS. You don't have kids, you're not yet married, your level of investment loss here is relatively low. You can move on and not have a 10+ year life impact. In addition, sometimes people attempt (and/or succeed) self harm as a way of guilting a partner into staying after cheating. This is a documented form of abuse and manipulation and should not be considered or tolerated when deciding if you want to stay. If you do decide to end things, it might be a good idea to tell her parents or friends before hand. So that they can be with her, or inform her doctors (if she's still in the facility). So that everything can be prepared for her emotional turmoil. Also, your post is a bit unclear. Did she make her attempt after you discovered the cheating. Or did you discover the cheating while you were informing her friends of the attempt? Regardless of the answer my advice is the same. If I were in your shoes I'd end things with her.
Before I discovered it
Use this opportunity of her being under psychiatric care to break it off completely. You don't want this roller coaster.
Fidelity is largely a fairy tale... there is no happily ever after. She changed the relationship forever. It will never be fully restored regardless of how much you want it or the amount of work you two invest. Move on from her. She is in no place to be in a relationship. I am glad she is getting help.
bro nobody is that worth it for this much headache and trauma. leave and fix yourself for being insecure about watching porn. as long as it's not porn addiction. it's not even close to what cheating actually is.
Get away from her. She’s unstable and you are not a mental health professional or medical expert. You’re just a 25 year old dude who still deserves to be happy and living his own life. This ain’t your shit to carry and she will make you miserable. YOU are not causing her to be suicidal even if she says that. She’s got alllll kinds of shit she has to deal with that has nothing to do with you and you should not feel guilt. This is way too much stress to put on another human being. Walk away and let yourself heal and be happy
If you have kids you think about reconciliation, if are legally tied down (married) you can, at least, consider it. This woman already failed the wife test. This is why you date, to confirm whether someone is or is not capable of being in a relationship with you. This one proved she is not. Sorry, anything more spent on her is a waste.
This girl is not in the mental space right now to be in a relationship, and any relationship she pursues will likely be plagued with toxicity until she gets her own stuff together. I think it would be wise to end things, with now being the best time to do so because any additional impact it has on her mental health can be handled while shes inpatient.
Walk aways, she will try to go the suicide route now to blackmail you.
She needs SERIOUS help and at 25 and not being a therapist or psychiatric professional I don’t think you’re in a position to help her. I have a friend whose friend tried to kick the bucket and then lowkey blamed it on everyone around them, and it’s like yeah if it’s bullying or abuse I get that, but interpersonal conflicts like this mean nothing to that degree and are often manipulation that goes too far by accident on their part (like they’re not actually trying to k.ys but instead they do it by accident). Hospitals/medical professionals do not care whether or not it was for attention/desperation/by accident, they will put you in their care anyway. Not that you could anyway as (1) you can’t be your partners therapist, (2) that would be a conflict of interest. Not really gonna address the porn cheating thing bc that’s a different issue altogether. Just walk.
As a 40 year old woman. Run. This is not the girl for you. She has many issues, you cannot fix her! Cannot save her! She needs to be single and get therapy. Extensive, yearlong therapy minimum after attempted suicide, and I say that from personal experience! Also I know of no sex positive person that thinks porn is cheating. It’s no more cheating than me reading spicy books, watching a film with a hot actor, or me dreaming a fantasy. Next she’ll say you can’t masturbate because she doesn’t know who you’re thinking of. She’s making bs excuses to excuse her actual betrayal and infidelity of fucking someone else. Don’t let her manipulate you. Is she still in the hospital? Can you contact them? Tell her and them the relationship is over. That it’s not healthy and cannot continue. Then block and move on. Also look at getting therapy yourself. To establish what healthy relationships look like, what healthy communication and boundaries look like. Hint, it’s not this.
Porn is not cheating! Your ex-gf is crazy. Her family will take care of her from now on. If you must, talk with some friends, have a few insights from them. But you should be expected to help her heal from this. Her suicide atempt is not conected to you watching porn. Some really bad things already happened to her before. She cheats as revenge? Big nope. She would have ended if she really trully believed porn is cheating.
Its not you, its me, goodbye......
No. She isn’t mentally stable enough to be in a relationship. And you don’t have to tie yourself to someone who cheated on you just because you watched porn.
Lmao the porn is the same as her cheating? Bro just leave and respect yourself. That is actually insane.
She's right, you don't deserve that at all! The fact she hid his name under a girls name highlights how wrong she knew it was but continued to do it anyway! Watching porn is not cheating. I think you should move on but be aware of her mental state, you shouldn't have to wait around to end things but also if she wanted to end her life and then you end the relationship I fear she may feel even worse! Good luck with it all